professional yappers

by a_handful_of_chrysanthemums

Summary:

A compilation of short talkloid skit scripts that I will never make because I have no money :') Requests: open!
tags will be updated with new chapters. No consistent continuity, generally consistent characterization.

1: Fukase joins the Vocaloid house. Miku, Oliver and the Kagamines discuss a little... observation they have about him.
Oliver: Are we talking about Fukase? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's gay.

2: The meme squad spends Disability Pride Month as they usually do: complaining about the problems that come with being part of the... Disabled Gang?? someone needs to come up with something less on-the-nose.

Notes:

yes pride month is over. but i remain. happy disability pride month too, may also write something for that ^_^

Chapter 1: is he... y'know...

 

Setting: Vocaloid house, living room. Gathering SFX. Fukase is hanging out with some other vocaloids.

 

FUKASE: Hey, it's nice to actually be here after all this time! Wow, your house is cool.

 

MIKU, RIN and LEN huddle around.

 

Miku: Okay, guys, what do you think of Fukase? Y'know...?

 

Len: I mean, he seems nice...? What's this about?

 

Rin: Oh, yeah, I totally got that. No, you're right.

 

Miku: I knew it!! He has the vibe, right?

 

Len: What vibe?

 

 

OLIVER approaches.

 

 

Oliver: Are we talking about Fukase? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's gay.

 

Len: HUH?

 

Miku: Oh, come on, Len, don't tell me that after all this time, your gaydar's suddenly broken?

 

Len: Literally what are you even talking about. How can you even tell?

 

Rin: Look at him! He's wearing a skirt— that's the sign of a guy whose toxic masculinity was completely crushed a long time ago.

 

Miku: He literally has a damn manicure.

 

Len: So? Basically every male vocaloid has a manicure.

 

Miku: I don't mean your basic single coat of paint, Len— I mean he has that fancy cat eye gradient shit going on. That's at least $40, and it doesn't look cheap!

 

Rin: I need his nail tech's number, goddammit.

 

Len: But— but you can't conclude anything off that! What if he just really likes having cool nails? I mean, Meiko does Kaito's nails all the time. Maybe he's just really dedicated to looking nice.

 

Oliver: I don't think Kaito is straight...?

 

Miku: It's either that or he's a really unique person. Haven't you ever asked him, Len?

 

Len: Hell no! What a nightmare— asking my pseudo-father whether he likes guys? eugh.

 

Rin: Aww, you admitted he's like our dad!

 

Len: Shut up.

 

Rin: I'm gonna tell him. He's gonna cry.

 

Len: I'll tell him you've been eating his ice cream if you do.

 

Rin: ... Fine. You're safe. For now.

 

Oliver: We're getting away from the point here.

 

Miku: Yeah, that's not important. We're talking about Fukase!

 

Len: I mean, do we really need to figure this out right now? Can't we just let it be? I haven't even met the guy!

 

Rin: Wh— it's literally his welcome party! What have you been doing this whole time?

 

Len: Oh. I was eating bananas.

 

Oliver: HUH?

 

Len: I thought it was a fruit party or something, sue me, okay?

 

Miku: Len, you always astound me.

 

Len: Thanks!

 

Miku: It wasn't a compliment!

 

Rin: Look, whatever. If you have a functioning gaydar, it's obvious: Fukase is—

 

Fukase: I'm what?

 

All: (various screams)

 

Oliver: OH! Hi, Fukase!

 

Miku: Y-yeah, welcome! We were just talking about you, y'know— good things! By the way, I heard you haven't met Len...?

 

Fukase: Oh, the Kagamine guy? Not yet.

 

Len: Aha, hey, that’s me! How are you!

 

 

Fukase does not respond. There is a long pause of about fifteen seconds. They just... stare at each other.

 

 

Rin: are... Are they okay?

 

Fukase: Wh—what's lookin, good cookin!

 

Len: I— huh?

 

Fukase: I mean— I—

 

 

Fukase proceeds to trip on something and topple over backwards. The other vocaloids shout in alarm.

 

 

Fukase: AUGH!

 

Len: Oh sh—

 

Oliver: Fukase!

 

Miku: AH!

 

Rin: (confused) what's looking, good cooking?

 

 

Len, being the closest, leans over him to check if he's alright.

 

 

Len: Hey, you good?

 

Fukase: Are you an angel becaaaaaause... I... fell.

 

 

Len stares at him in confusion. Fukase's blushing to a truly abnormal degree, looking head over heels and mortified in equal part. After he speaks, he processes his words and silently rolls over onto his side, slumping into his own arms in defeat. Len pauses for a moment. Then he turns back around to look at the rest, one hand cupping his face. He is also blushing slightly.

 

 

Len: I think I get what you mean about the gayness. And also, that was a horrible failure in a very cute way.

 

 

Oliver helps Fukase back up.

 

 

Oliver: Okay, leeeeet's get you to the couch.

 

Miku, low-voiced: so it is a fruit party after all.

 

 

Rin snorts. Oliver groans and facepalms. In doing so, he loses his grip on Fukase, who falls over again.

 

 

Fukase: FUCK!

Chapter 2: the disability pride month special!

Summary:

The snippet i wrote where everyone in the meme squad has a disability. enjoy!

Fukase: the meme squad— also known as the disabled gang. 

 

Flower: ... At some point we've GOTTA find a catchier name. 

 

Oliver: Leave it, he won't stop. 

 

Piko: July is our month— Disability Pride Month! And it's our prerogative to talk about our issues and make our voices heard! 

 

Fukase: It is also our duty and honour to complain about both our disability and people’s stupid questions. 

 

---

 

Flower: I lost a day of my life lying in bed doing nothing but sleep. And even though I did nothing but sleep, I don't feel refreshed or feel any more able to get out of bed and do things today. 

 

Piko: Disabled culture! 

 

---

 

Piko: I have to go ask Miki to look at a wall and tell me whether the horrible robot skeleton thing I'm seeing is real or if it's a delusion. 

 

Miki: Oh, yeah, this one’s real.

Wide shot. Calne Ca is standing there. 

 

 

Fukase: Disabled culture! 

 

---

 

Fukase: People think that my cane is just for show and don't believe it's real! And they accuse me of faking if they see me walk without it— even though that's not how that works! Whatever, I just trip them when they walk by. 

 

Flower: Disabled culture! 

 

---

 

Oliver: For fuck's sake this is the last time I'll ever say this, get on my right side where I can SEE YOU—

 

Flower: Disabled culture! 

 

---

 

Flower: Never anything so depressing as getting out of the funk temporarily only to realize that everyone else is much further ahead than you, and feeling unable to catch up, which causes you to spiral further! 

 

Piko: Disabled culture! 

 

---

 

Oliver: this is our ‘Have you tried yoga/clean eating’ tally. 

 

He pulls out a large whiteboard, of which the entire surface is covered with tally marks. He then unfolds a second, then third page also covered in tallies, until the board is comically large. 

Fukase: If I had a penny per tally, I'd finally be richer than Miku. 

 

Flower, grimacing: Disabled culture! 

 

---

 

Fukase uses his cane to turn his light switch off.

Fukase: never mind, having a cane rules. Disabled win, everybody. 

 

---

 

Flower: My head hurts. 

 

Fukase: My hands hurt… 

 

Oliver: My ankles hurt! 

 

Piko: Guys, for the last half an hour my phone has felt like it's vibrating even though nobody's texting me and there's no notifications of either texts or calls and I don't even have my phone with me right now. 

A beat. 

Fukase: Yeah, you have it the worst. 

 

Flower: time for us to all scream in agony? 

 

Oliver: Yup. 

 

All: (Various screams of anguish) 

 

All: Disabled culture! 

 

---

LEN enters, so anxious he is practically vibrating: GOD! Have any of you people seen my headphones? 

 

Fukase: Whoa, whoa. What's up with you, banana boy? 

 

Len: Well, I wanted to do some work, but I need to do chores first, and to do chores I need music or else I'll go insane from hearing the beeping sound from Luka’s TV show, and I can't find my headphones right now, so I don't have my music, and I can feel my focus slowly slipping away while I'm looking for it, and it's gonna be lunchtime soon which will TOTALLY break my groove because then I'll have to figure out how to switch from that back to work, and the deadline’s coming up so I feel even worse because I put this off for so long that it's biting me in the ass and it's my fault that things are so bad now. So.

 

All: …

 

Flower: Wow, man. 

 

Len: Ugh, sorry. That was… too much, right?

 

Fukase: Y’know, Len, I don't think I’ve ever understood you as well as I do now.

 

Len: …Thanks?

 

Piko: Listen, all of that and a run-on sentence? He’s part of the gang, guys.

 

Len: The… you guys have a gang ??? 

 

Oliver: Len, I'll just… say you should maybe go and google ADHD. In the meantime, welcome to the disabled… gang… god, Fukase, we need a better name. 

 

Fukase: Well, it can't have ‘squad’ in it, we can't have two groups that end with squad! It's, like, derivative! 

 

Piko: As if ‘the disabled squad’ is any better! 

 

Flower: Well, you guys complain but you never come up with anything! 

 

Fukase: Yeah, and I've been having flare ups, so there! 

 

Piko: Well, I'm sorry I could barely work when I keep seeing beheaded people lurking in my room! And I'm a V2, haven't I gone through enough? You're the one who's supposed to coin things, anyway! 

 

Fukase: What are you talking about, my company's basically abandoned me!

 

Oliver: Ugh, come on! You're still popular in the fandom, don't be so dramatic. Hiyama-sensei has DID and nobody really knows him. If we're going by that measure, he has it the worst. 

 

Fukase: But he and Miki are getting a super cool SynthV voicebank at the end of the year!! 

 

Flower: What if it turns out like my Cevio before I got my update? Fancy voicebanks don't mean anything. 

 

Fukase: Hey, I thought you were on my side!

The conversation devolves into pointless squabbling. Zoom out to Len at the edge of the group, still looking shocked. 

Len: ... 

 

Len: What the hell is ADHD????????????

Notes:

Disabilities mentioned in this fic:

Fukase: chronic pain (cane user)
Flower: depression
Oliver: blind in one eye, chronic pain (joints)
Piko: schizophrenia
Len: ADHD (thus far undiagnosed)

(I have a did related plot idea for gakukiyo but I need to research more before I write anything abt that lol)

Let me know what you thought of this chapter by leaving a comment, and send me a kudos if youd like! I know it's literally been months and its not even disability pride month anymore, sorry abt that :") got swamped with work and various other life stuff, i hope yall like it anyw. working on the fukase flirting chapter i prommy– as always feel free to drop me some plot requests!

Notes:

This fic has been converted for free using AOYeet!

I have no clue why it looks like so much space in between each line- probably an option i forgot to check in the settings, orr maybe im not used to the format yet. is it easier to read, at least?? im too tired to fix it, so.

leave a comment and kudos if u liked it, and if u want drop me a request for a skit ouo