Chapter Text
What’s worth living for…
In a world where nothing is alive anymore…
?
“Nothing.” The young man murmured softly. His voice, only a whisper –as if not to disturb the quiet of the gray world at dawn–, bounced lightly against the trunks of the dead trees surrounding him, leaping then into the void he stood in front of. “Nothing is worth living for anymore.”
He looked far ahead of him, his eyes lingering onto the almost indiscernible line of the horizon, right where it seemed as if the water met the sky, both of them equally gray. It was the same panorama every day. Every day, ever since the catastrophe had happened.
No one knew how or why it had happened. All that remained were memories of a great fire to which the majority of the human population, and the entire flora and fauna of the planet, had succumbed, leaving the world empty, dark… dead.
But none of that mattered now. If the world had burned away, so be it, the people who survived had to find new ways to keep on living without electricity or running water, and with poor to non-existent food reserves. They’d found their ways, though.
But after all was said and done, was it worth struggling every day to survive in a world that had no future? Was it worth it, to live permanently in an empty and sorrowful state of mind? Was it worth looking for any kind of salvation, now that they were sure that, if there were any Gods above, they were only meant to punish them?
The answer was very simple for him.
He couldn’t remember for how long he’d strived, clinging to his life by a thin thread, feeling as if he was sinking deeper and deeper into a puddle of dark mud that seemed to absorb him, slowly losing his emotions, his morals, his faith… his humanity.
In the first stages of starvation he’d eaten dirt.
When he’d been taken over by a maddening desperation… he’d come to know the taste of human flesh.
He’d never forget how euphoric he felt when he had put down the owner of his meal in a single heavy blow to the back of the head. He’d never forget the pure lust that had invaded his brain when he’d bitten into it, the salty-tasting and iron-smelling red fluids filling his mouth quickly and overflowing onto his chin, neck, chest… He’d never forget the horror he’d felt when he’d realized what he’d done, starving himself for what seemed like weeks –although it was hard to know for sure, since time was no longer counted, all electrical and battery-powered gadgets having stopped working on the day of the catastrophe– and going back to eating dirt when he couldn’t take the hunger anymore.
He wasn’t human anymore. He was just a walking and breathing vacant shell shaped like a human, held together by the strands of the savagery he’d seen and experienced, and the weight of a dead world upon his shoulders.
He’d walked for a long time on the dark and empty road that led south of the country, each step feeling as if he left a portion of himself behind, and he’d decided his exhausting route ended there, on that cliff.
He breathed in deeply, inhaling the scent of the ocean –an aroma that he remembered to have been pleasant in the previous world, a world that no longer was. He took a step closer, eyeing the bottom of the precipice below him where enormous waves crashed with a thunderous roar against gigantic rocks protruding from the depths of the water. A bitter smile cracked his lips; if he failed, it would hurt more than necessary.
He lifted his head up to gaze to the sky, heavy with everlasting gray clouds and looking especially dark in the time when the night was slowly fading into nothingness. If he’d been asked what he wished for in that moment, he’d answer that he would have wished to see the sun, just one last time. Just once… Nevertheless, he closed his eyes.
Strangely, he felt peaceful. He always thought that in a moment like that he would feel anxious, his heartbeat getting quicker and tears surging to the corners of his eyes, but none of that happened. He was empty, his mind was blank, he felt neither hot nor cold; he felt right.
His heels slowly left the ground as he lightly pushed his whole weight to his toes, ready to relay the rest of the work to gravity…
“What the fuck are you doing?!” A shout broke through the air. He didn’t register the sound, his brain having turned to off a long time ago.
And the he flew… backwards.
He landed on something rather soft, far from what he had expected to feel. Curled up around him were arms, gripping him with mighty strength, as if they wanted to crush him –although maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, he thought. He could feel the hasty pump of a rushed heart against his back, as well as heavy breaths brushing his ear and hair. His eyes were still closed, but he knew very well what had prevented his greatly desired fall.
He gazed at the dark clouds, gathering what little amount of energy and willpower was left within himself to turn around and land a blind punch onto the face of the intruder. He was rewarded with a loud groan, as well as a slight loosening of the arms circled around him. He took that chance to free himself and get up, turning toward the edge of the cliff once more. He had been dragged back a little, but he could still make it before the other recovered from the punch… or so he thought.
Strong fingers curled around his ankle, and he fell once more, face landing heavily against the dry earth and making him see stars for a few seconds. In one motion, he rolled onto his back and propelled his other foot toward the stranger, aiming for his head once more. This time, he was stopped right before he could place a hit, the man’s other hand gripping the moving ankle and pressing it against the ground as he crawled on top of him. Before he could register what the stranger was doing, the man had already climbed atop him, his entire weight pushing his chest down onto the ground as he straddled him, imprisoning one of his arms under a bent leg, and clenching his other hand between the two of his.
He wiggled underneath the man, pulling his arms as strong as he could to try and free them, pushing his knees up to try and hit his back –all in vain.
“Stop!”
He froze, the stranger’s voice rumbling powerfully into his chest. For the first time since the beginning of the encounter, he looked at his opponent. He had golden eyes –pupils blown wide by the rush of adrenaline–, rather pale skin, chapped lips –parted slightly to let out heavy pants–, and messy grey hair with dark streaks here and there. It suddenly struck to him that the man above him looked like an owl –a slightly agitated one, but an owl nonetheless–, and he wasn’t sure if it was good or bad that his brain was feeding him completely useless info at a time like that.
“What the fuck… haa… were you thinking…” Warm air brushed his skin as the man spoke while leaning closer to his face, stopping his sentence mid-way to let out a heavy and exhausted breath. He blinked once, twice… three times before understanding what the man’s words meant. The answer seemed pretty obvious to him, although probably not everyone thought like him.
“I asked you– what were you th—”
“Why…” He began, falling into a coughing fit as soon as his vocal chords started vibrating. His voice sounded croaky and his throat was dry. He hadn’t spoken up, if not in whispers, in… how long? He couldn’t remember anymore. And the last time he’d come by a river and drank fresh water dated back to at least a few days. He gasped, pulling hard at his arms for he felt like his throat was splitting in two. The owl-like man realized, secured the arm he held into his hands underneath his other leg and quickly unclasped a bottle from his belt. His head was slightly lifted from the ground, and a cool liquid filled his mouth instantly. He swallowed like he’d never drunk anything before –he was desperate–, which caused some of the liquid to intrude into his lungs, making him cough once more, and then the bottle was gone from his lips. He sucked in heavy breaths. “Why… are you doing this… Why did you stop me…”
Silence hung heavy atop them for a few moments. He saw the man above him knit his eyebrows and lower his eyes, as if he, himself, were unsure of why he had done all of that. And yet… soon, a soft chuckle left the man’s lips and he looked up, a sad smile parting his lips as he spoke. “Because I still have faith.”
“In what?”
“I don’t know.”
That didn’t make sense.
“I know it doesn’t make sense, I know that.” He spoke as if he’d read his thoughts. “But I still believe that there will be a reward for the ones that have survived until now. I still believe there’s something, anything, at the end of the road. Maybe the sky is brighter in the south, maybe there are still plants and animals down there, maybe there’s a future for all of us in there.”
That… didn’t make sense at all. There was nothing nowhere anymore. Eternal doom had fallen atop them as soon as the fire had started, and maybe even before that.
“There’s nothing left to live for.” He spoke flatly, as if it were the most obvious truth that existed.
“You seem very sure of that. Why do you think that?” The stranger inquired, his eyebrow cocking up, looking like an additional interrogation point.
“Look around you. There’s nothing left.”
“Well, maybe you’re seeing something different than me…”
“Uh…?”
Was the guy loosing his mind or what?
“I see trees, dead and sad, yes, but still, trees that could maybe grow leaves once more in the future. Plus, the dry wood I’m provided with helps me light up fires to cook and keep myself warm. I see the sea, angry and cold, but it’s kept me alive by providing me water I can boil and then drink. And I can even dive into it once in a while to clean myself, even though the water’s freezing most of the time. I see the sky, dark and heavy, but it’s the proof that there’s still a sun and a moon up there, for it tends to light up slightly every once in a while. If I could look behind us, I could also see my tent, and I know it’s not the best one out here, but it’s kept me warm and protected all this time.” The stranger spoke with his eyes turned to the horizon the whole time, looking as if his mind was far away from where they were. When he finished, he looked back down to the man he had tackled on the ground. “That’s what I see. And that’s what I believe in.”
He looked into those yellow irises, golden and bright, just like the sun… Just like the sun he’d wanted to see moments before, and he felt warmth spread through his chest in spite of himself. He gulped down, falling short of breath and feeling suddenly lightheaded –because of the hunger, or because he was starting to understand things without really grasping them? he didn’t know. He felt as if his entire existence had been turned upside down; every thought, every sight, everything he’d felt… it now had a different meaning, all because of a few words spoken by a stranger…
It didn’t make sense.
The man spoke up suddenly, breaking his erratic train of thought. “Hey… your eyes are grayish green, aren’t they?” Were they? He couldn’t remember. “It’s a pretty color.”
An honest smile, yellowing teeth appearing behind crusty lips. When was the last time he’d seen someone smile genuinely like that? He couldn’t remember. The warmth in his chest spread further, deeper, and he was still unsure of the reason why it had even started.
A sigh. “I’ve done everything I could… If you still want to jump, I don’t know what else I could tell you, except that I don’t want you to do it.” The strange man murmured softly, clenching his molars, his features falling into a sad expression.
He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t know what to believe.
The man pressing him down on the ground now seemed like the sun he’d longed to see everyday since the sky had turned gray and heavy and sad. He seemed like a warm and protecting sun rising from the east, announcing the start of something new… a new day, maybe, probably, surely…
Or a new life.
He realized his mouth was open when it started to feel dry once more. He closed his lips and gulped down with difficulty, the tried to normalize his breathing. Looking up into the other man’s bright and expecting eyes, he nodded slowly, hoping that the man would understand. And he could feel the moment when the stranger felt relief wash into himself, the tension in the legs which kept him imprisoned onto the hard ground fading a little. Then he saw a small smile pulling up the corners of the man’s lips as his eyebrows unclenched and he let out a heavy breath. Was that the human representation of faith? Maybe, he wasn’t sure.
The silence between them persisted for a while, the dark clouds gaining lighter tones of gray as dawn let place to morning, and the stranger finally spoke up again.
“I’m Bokuto. Bokuto Koutarou.” He spoke up. “And… I should probably get up and stop crushing your chest and arms.” The man whispered, hurriedly pushing himself up onto his legs.
He only felt a slight pain when he actually realized that the weight he’d carried until then might have been heavy on his bones, but it was minimal; he’d been through worse.
He’d been through worse… The thought made him want to crack a small smile without really knowing why.
Looking up again, he saw a hand stretched out in front of him. He took it, noticing at the same time that his own were slightly shaking. Warmth curled around his fingers, and he was lifted up and brought back onto his feet in a split second, as if he weighed nothing –which was probably not too far away from the real thing. He saw the stranger –no, Bokuto– clench his molars once more, probably realizing the same thing as he had, but the owl-like man’s lips stayed shut and he made no comment about it.
“So. What’s your name?” Bokuto inquired, releasing their hands, casually leaning against the dark trunk of a dead tree, and crossing his arms onto his chest.
His… name? What was his name…? Could he remember it?
“It’s…” He began, gulping down heavily as panic rose into his throat. If he couldn’t remember his name, then that meant… “I’m—” He struggled, his hands sweaty as he twisted them.
Ending his own life had never seemed as scary as forgetting his own name. He closed his eyes tightly, his heartbeat hammering into his ears, and his breath turning hasty and erratic.
“Hey…” A soft murmur, soft steps approaching him. “It’s ok…”
I’m still human I’m still human I’m still human. The thought bounced against the inside of his skull, making his head hurt and tainting his vision black, as if he’d turned completely blind. He didn’t realize he was whispering the words out loud, he didn’t realize he was aggressively pulling at his hair, he didn’t realize he’d bitten so hard onto his lip that it’d started bleeding. And it took him a while to understand that the warmth that now enveloped him came from Bokuto’s body pressed against him in a tight embrace; it wasn’t a preventative grip like before, but a comforting hug.
“It’s all good…” Bokuto whispered, his mouth pressed onto his hair, breathing softly into it as he slowly rubbed a hand over the young man’s back. “Don’t push yourself… You’re still human and I believe in you.”
He gasped for air, feeling like he was drowning inside, and he clenched Bokuto’s jacket tightly in his fists, feeling as if the ground would open up beneath him and that Bokuto was his only remaining support. He could hear the other one murmuring softly into his ear, whispering words with the intent of calming him and comforting him, and somehow, those soft whispers managed to eventually make him come back to what was real and tangible and okay. He sucked in long and heavy breaths as Bokuto instructed him, releasing them in a shiver when the man’s countdown hit zero. Somewhere along the way, his vision had cleared, and although his limbs felt as cold as ice, the warmth emanating from Bokuto’s body and words felt soothing to his body, his mind… and his heart.
“Shh… Shh…” Bokuto hushed softly, and the young man finally released his jacket from his grip, going boneless into Bokuto’s arms as he felt his mind shut down completely. “Oopsie. Alright, I’ve got you.” He heard him murmur, feeling him adjust his grasp around his shoulders to prevent him from collapsing onto the cold, hard ground.
In a state of bare consciousness, he hardly registered Bokuto slipping an arm behind his knees and lifting him up into his arms. He walked slowly, yet his steps were determined, a feeling reinforced by the sound of his voice flowing into the other man’s ears. He spoke words the young man couldn’t remember when he’d heard last.
“Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe.”