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“Hey, your Tau’ri buddies are coming today,” Jaylen said quietly, but very sarcastically.
“Knock it off. I barely knew them. And I said what I said. You can’t change my mind,” Lucy reminded him.
“I still think you are wrong,” Jaylen stated emphatically.
“You were never there to see them interact. All you have is what I told you,” Lucy retorted, with a slight grin on her face.
Lucy had worked at the SGC long enough. Even during different shifts and various teams, she knew the rumors and got to witness her share of “interactions” between the Colonel and Captain. Major now? Did rank really matter to Lucy at this point?
She’d watch the stares, the joking, and the flirting between the two change over time. A little eye flick here, a gentle nudge of the lower back there. And of course now, everyone knows about the Za’tarc test. And even after they admitted how they felt, there were people like Jaylen who just couldn’t see what many others did.
She’d also witnessed the same horrors they saw, and watched how they consoled each other. She often sought the same types of consolation from others on her own team, or other SG teams. At least in public.
She also knew what she did in private, once she got home and the nightmares and memories hit. She suspected others did the same. The drinking, the sex, the staying up all night cuddled next to a friend terrified of your own shadow because you didn’t know what else to do when the alternative was knocking on your mind’s door. That is just how many of them chose to deal with it.
One day she would get word that she was right about those two. She knew that in the deepest part of her soul.
“Well, don’t look now, but I think they are here,” Jaylen said in an almost whisper.
Lucy heard the footsteps in the hallway, and could hear the voices. The voices were not the same ones she was accustomed to working down in this hole, so she knew it had to be the visitors from her Earth.
Teal’c entered the room first. Always so stoic, but with an underlying mischief just waiting to be unleashed. She admired this man for giving up everything he ever had and everyone he knew because he made the right decision to save lives instead of destroying them. She missed their brief hallway conversations at the SGC. He had a very dry sense of humor, and she loved that.
Next to enter the room was Samantha Carter. Lucy gave a quick glance. Yes, Major now. When did that happen? “Could have been at any time,” she heard in the back of her mind. She felt that she had developed a decent friendship with the now Major Carter. Perhaps she didn’t “barely know her” as she often tried to explain to others. Perhaps that was a compensating mechanism in her mind for how things had turned out.
They would always take time to meet for coffee or food when they were both on-planet at the same time. She knew Carter made horrible choices in men, and Lucy tried to steer her on the right path. But, Carter was Carter and absolutely did as she chose. Lucy looked forward to catching up with her.
Lucy’s insides flicked like butterfly wings as the next person stepped into the meeting area.
Colonel Jack O’Neill was an extremely handsome man. She would think nothing of allowing him to show her the ways of amore. But she also knew that would never happen. Especially now. She really, truly respected the Colonel. He was instrumental in saving her life. Lucy tried to get Carter to admit how she felt about him. But Carter had remained stonewalled about him. But Lucy knew. Those two loved and cared deeply for one another.
“Quit gaping open mouthed at him!” Jaylen chided.
Lucy “shushed” him, and began to turn her chair around as the last member of the team walked in.
Daniel Jackson was probably the smartest person she knew. She knew he and the Colonel had a history, a challenging relationship that eventually turned into family. There was something quirky, but endearing with Daniel. Lucy wished she’d have had more time to get to know him. She knew all that Daniel had lost, and yet, he was still here. She is not sure she could have continued if she were given Daniel’s lot in life. But, hadn’t she? And she is still here. Her thoughts continued as the meeting began.
Everyone gathered at the big table. Lucy glanced at Colonel O’Neill. Sure enough, he was seated next to Major Carter. Where else would he sit? She felt an upwelling of “I told you so,” which she would throw in Jaylen’s face later. But for now, she listened as she glanced around the table at her former coworkers.
She let her mind drift again to her time at the SGC. She remembered her friends, the good times and the bad, up until the day her fate was sealed. Only two members of SG-8 made it back alive that day. Her other teammate, Jones, had to be medically discharged. His arm had to be amputated. They were able to stop Lucy’s internal bleeding. But at a huge cost.
Lucy was brought back into the present moment as the meeting ended when Major Carter addressed the table.
“Sounds good, Garshaw. I think we have one or two more volunteers,” and then turned her head to face Lucy.
Lucy moved uncomfortably in her seat as her eyes met Major Carter’s. Samantha Carter always had the biggest and most genuine of smiles when she was trying to let you know that everything would be OK. Her mind raced with memories, and she felt the need to leave the room quickly. Lucy admired Carter for trying to make her feel comfortable, even now, a year later.
“Hey, I’m here. You will be OK,” she heard the gentle words from Jaylen.
Lucy shyly returned Carter’s smile, and stood to leave the room with Anise. As the two ladies walked in silence, Lucy’s mind flashed to the battlefield. She could still smell it. She could still hear it. Frozen in her steps, she recalled that fateful day. A day that she wished would never have happened. But also grateful that it did.
She was securing the air quality tester on that planet when she saw, and felt, the first staff weapon fire pass by her head. She immediately ducked down to shouts and screams from others around her to get out of there. She could not reach her own weapon. Her assistant for the day at least had a Zat. He was flat on the ground firing at everything he could in the direction of the incoming fire.
She used the equipment box as a shield, at least as much as she could. They were both sitting ducks. She could hear the return fire from the Tau’ri teams behind them. She was shaking with fear, and made a move to grab her weapon. As she moved, she saw her assistant take a shot to the neck. His eyes were wide with fear, almost begging her to save him.
She felt another person drop down beside her. She glanced and saw it was the Colonel. She saw him trying to talk to her assistant. She could see his mouth move, but could not hear the words. She watched as the Colonel began to pick him up to carry him out of there. He looked at Lucy and told her to run.
She got up and took one step before she stumbled to the ground. She couldn’t move and her back hurt. Everything got quiet. Why did it get quiet? She flipped over onto her back. Or was she flipped over?
“...take him?” she heard someone yelling at her. She was able to open her eyes and she saw a very dirty, and very stern Colonel O’Neill above her. Why was he yelling at her?
“He is not going to make it! Will you take him?” he was asking her a question.
She started to ask what he was talking about when realization hit her. The world around her came into view for a moment. She was hit.
“Lucy! You are not getting out of here alive! Jaylen needs a host. Will you take him?” he yelled again, with the enormity of the question hitting her heart like a bullet.
She rolled her head to the side and stared into the almost empty eyes of her assistant. His breath was in gulps, just like a dying person would. His eyes seemed to beg her for help. She could see the blood just pouring out of his neck. Must have hit his carotid artery.
Was her back bleeding like that, too? Wait. There isn’t a carotid artery in the back, she thought. Would she get to that point, too? Is she going to die here? She began to cry.
She looked up at the Colonel. Then back at her assistant. A tear dripped down her cheek as she looked up at the Colonel again. A feeling of total peace overcame her body. Her breathing slowed, and her tears stopped. She shook her head yes.
Anise noticed her sitting blankly in the hallway. Anise stood back about three or more steps from Lucy and tried to get her attention to try to break her out of her thoughts.
“Lucy,” she heard softly.
She came back to the present, and saw Anise standing in her normal rigid stance, hands clasped in front of her. Lucy averted her eyes to the floor for a moment.
“I did it again, didn’t I?” Lucy asked.
“Yes, but I have grown accustomed to it and I do give you the space you need to safely deal with your trauma,” Anise said in her stoic voice.
“Yes, Jaylen normally lets me navigate it alone. He says it is therapeutic for me,” she said shyly.
“I am still waiting for your analysis of those samples you are working on,” Anise said a little sternly.
“Oh, right,” Lucy said, spinning around to walk back to her lab.
“But, due to our Tau’ri visitors being here, your time may be better spent with them today instead of my work analysis,” Anise said, trying to give Lucy a smile. It was always so awkward to watch Anise try to incorporate any emotion into her being. Lucy laughed and watched Anise continue down the hall.
About an hour later, after relaxing from her memories and getting some work done, Lucy started down the hallway to find Carter. She heard footfalls, and a few muffled, “Hey, wait up” whispers bouncing off the walls. She realized someone was chasing someone in the hallway. She moved to the side just as Major Carter came into view, with the towering Jack O’Neill moving quickly to catch up. Lucy hid a little out of sight of the two Tau’ri, but was able to witness the conversation.
“Here is where you are proved wrong,” a sarcastic Jaylen spoke.
“I highly doubt it,” Lucy replied, without moving her mouth.
Lucy’s decision to be a host to a Tok’ra saved her life. Without the opportunity, she would have died. But she missed her life on Earth. She desperately missed her family and friends. She even missed the friends who became family at the SGC. She missed driving a car and going through the drive through at McDonald’s.
“Oh hamburgers!” Lucy screamed inside her head.
She heard Jaylen laugh back at her. She was accustomed to him being there now. It was hard at first. Jaylen was the one who talked to the doctors, nurses, and SGC leadership for the first two weeks as Lucy’s body recovered from her staff wound. She lost a good amount of time during those two weeks, and could not remember much after joining with Jaylen.
Their blending had happened so quickly, and she was barely conscious to give the OK. But she remembers the instant that Jaylen took over in order to heal her body. She was laying on the ground bleeding out from a staff blast. After shaking her head in agreement at the Colonel, she remembered watching Jaylen exit her assistant’s body and crawl over to Lucy. She watched her assistant’s eyes lose their sparkle and saw his chest fall for the last time just as a sharp pain pierced the back of her throat.
She remembers coming and going in and out of consciousness for the next few hours. She remembers being put on a stretcher, and carried back to the Stargate. She was breathing on her own now, and something inside of her knew she would survive.
She remembers coming through the Stargate back to the SGC. A medical team was there to transfer her from the stretcher to a gurney. Now she could feel the pain in her back. She winced in pain, and tried to move herself on the gurney to make it feel better. It didn’t work.
“It’s OK. I am here. You will be OK,” she distinctly heard inside her own head. That was different. But she was too tired to care or wonder how.
She was facing the Stargate as she lay upright in the stretcher. As they began to wheel her out, she saw Colonel O’Neill come through and immediately began waving his hand and pointing at her as he ran down the ramp towards the General. The next thing she knew, she was in an isolation room, not the regular medical bay. Fear gripped her, and she felt her new friend inside her head take over.
She was terrified. She felt locked in a cage inside her own body at first. She knew this was probably why Colonel O’Neill did not like the snakes. For some reason, he asked her to take one, knowing she was dying, knowing it may have been her only hope. Now she had one. Now she was one. And she was still alive.
After her recovery at the SGC, Jaylen quietly took the backseat so Lucy could give her post-mission briefing and attend all of her doctor appointments. Only a select few knew what had happened with Jaylen. Not many people needed to speak to Jaylen after he healed Lucy. The times they did need to talk to him felt awkward to Lucy at first. It felt clunky, like trying to learn to drive a standard transmission vehicle on Earth. But now, Lucy was so accustomed to the transition that it was like water falling over the falls.
Lucy’s eyes were glued on the Major and the Colonel.
“So. I know you said no, but…?” O’Neill asked Carter.
His hand glanced over Carter’s, and Lucy watched as his hand seemed to grasp Carter’s fingers without even realizing what he was doing. Carter didn’t pull away, but turned more into O’Neill, looking him straight in the eyes.
“So when you say fishing, you mean…” and stopped her sentence, letting him infer the rest.
“It can be just fishing, Carter. No pressure,” he said, letting go of her fingers and continuing down the hallway right towards Lucy.
“Lucy! How are you doing?” O’Neill asked her, as Carter walked towards them to be a part of the conversation.
“Hi, sir,” Lucy replied, eliciting a sarcastic frown from O’Neill.
“Sorry, I mean Jack. I am doing fine,” Lucy replied, smiling bigger at them both.
Lucy was no longer in the US Armed Forces. But some habits die hard, like referring to officers by rank, or sir, or ma’am. Jack stood tall and proud when he heard his name.
“See, easy, right?,” he said, glancing at Carter next to him.
Lucy smiled knowingly at Carter, and she watched as Carter’s face flushed, then shifted her feet, then crossed her arms in front of herself.
“Okie dokie, then. Let us know if you need anything. I’m going to skeedaddle and leave the two of you,” O’Neill said, waving his hand in the air trying to find the words he wanted, but failing, then just walking off in true O’Neill style.
“Wait! Jack!” Lucy said loudly to get his attention.
He spun around on his heels, and walked back to the two ladies in the hall. He stared at Lucy, waiting for her to speak.
Lucy wanted to ask this question all year long. But now that she had her moment, she froze a little bit. Her eyes moved between Jack and Carter before she gathered her courage. She took in a deep breath, and looked directly at Jack.
“Um, Jack, why me?” she asked. He gave her one of his infamous perplexed looks.
“I mean, I know I was dying. I guess my question is really, well, I know you don’t like them, so why me? Why give me a chance when we all know you probably would rather us both have died, rather than bring one back to Earth?”
This question actually stunned O’Neill. He had never looked at it from that perspective before. Has his aversion to the Tok’ra gone so far that his own people thought he’d rather them die than become one? That was a gut punch he was not prepared for.
Lucy seemed to have pushed a pause button on the Colonel. He was staring at her, but not replying. Lucy looked at Carter for a moment. Carter shrugged her shoulders, and mouthed, “It’ll be OK.” They waited a few more seconds before O’Neill finally responded.
“Lucy. I, uh,” he paused again, never losing eye contact with Lucy.
“I have never been questioned like that before,” he stared gently. He took a few breaths before continuing.
“I never intended my dislike of the Tok’ra to come across as me wanting my people dead rather than taking a snake. If that is how you have felt this entire time, then I owe you a big apology,” he said, emphasizing the words at the end of his sentence.
Lucy looked him in the eyes, averted her eyes down a little bit, then shook her head in understanding. When she brought her eyes back to him, he continued.
“I knew Stanic was dead. The only thing keeping him alive was Jaylen, and Jaylen would’ve died, too. I knew you would never make it. At that moment, I guess you could say I chose to save both of you.”
Lucy knew that was probably all she was going to get. So, Colonel O’Neill had a bigger heart than she realized. This was good. And now she knew he was also trying to save Jaylen that day.
“Are we good?” he asked her.
She smiled up at him.
“Yes, sir. We’re good,” she replied with a smile.
“Lucy!” he mockingly chastised her. She laughed.
“Sorry! Jack! Yes, we are good, Jack!”
“Alright, now I will let you two do what you two do when it’s the two of you,” he said, spinning on his heels again, and walking out of view of them.
Lucy looked at Carter.
“So, we can go to my little office lab room, if you like. Do you need anything? Water?” Lucy asked.
“Water would be great. Show me the way,” Carter replied.
Lucy showed Carter the way to her lab, stopping for water along the way. They found some chairs to sit on, and Carter took a sip of water.
“How have you been? Adjusting well? Do you need anything from us?” Carter asked.
Lucy sat in the seat across from Cater, and let her eyes fall to the floor before speaking.
“I miss Earth. I miss my family. I am making friends here, but it’s just so…” she said, looking at Carter.
Lucy heard the word “different” in her mind.
“Different?” Carter asked, without hearing the word from Lucy.
“Yes, different. I wish I could talk to my mom. I hate that they think I died on that mission. And now I can never speak to her again. Do you have any idea what that is like?” Lucy asked Carter, tears welling in her eyes as she saw Carter bite her lip in thought.
“Is there anything you guys can do?” Lucy asked, begging with her eyes.
“Wait. Why do you think your family was told you died? Who told you that?” Carter asked.
Lucy shifted in her seat, and looked inquisitively at Carter.
“I don’t know,” Lucy said, now agitated and confused. “It was a voice I heard as I was coming to after the healing process. They said, ‘her family has been notified’. Or something like that. So I kept my mouth shut. I had this new thing in my head, recovering from a staff wound, and was so tired, I didn’t know how to think straight. Then they said I’d be escorted by the Tok’ra for assimilation or whatever. No one briefed me about coming back. Sam, what are you saying? Can I go home to see my mom?” Lucy asked, now with tears running down her face.
“Let me verify with the Colonel, but yes, Lucy. You can come back to Earth. Just like the other volunteers. You are not a prisoner. Your family just thinks you go on long TDYs.”
Lucy broke down. Carter let her cry it out for a bit, and went to get two more glasses of water. She returned after a while, and the two women sat in silence as they sipped their water and contemplated the discussion they just had.
“Did it hurt?” Lucy eventually asked Carter.
“Did what hurt?” Carter asked.
“You know, the initial entrance or whatever you want to call it. I don’t remember a lot. It happened so quick, and I was, you know, dying and all,” Lucy said.
Carter thought it over for a moment before answering.
“I don’t know. I really don’t remember. Jolinar immediately took over and I almost remember screaming at her to let me go. I think our joinings were completely different,” Carter shared.
Lucy’s eyes didn’t leave Carter’s. The two women shared a moment of knowing between them. Lucy nodded her head in agreement to Carter’s last statement, and felt compelled to change the subject.
“So, anything with you guys yet?” Lucy asked, after she was able to talk again.
Carter averted her eyes to the floor and exhaled.
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Carter replied, but smiling a mile wide.
“You know, Jack,” Lucy said with emphasis. They both laughed.
“It’s just not that easy, you know that,” Carter replied.
“Well, figure something out before it’s too late. Anything can happen, I’m proof of that,” Lucy replied reaching out to gently clasp hands with Carter.
Carter stared at Lucy for a moment before continuing.
“Well then, let me go talk to Jack about getting you home to see your family,” Carter said, smiling again from ear to ear.
Lucy stood before Carter left the room.
“Sam, thank you,” Lucy said, and gave her friend a hug.
Lucy smiled as Carter left, and gave Jaylen a huge, “I told ya so.”
“I still think you are wrong,” she heard from Jaylen.
Lucy rolled her eyes and smiled. She liked her life with Jaylen and the Tok’ra. And now she can go back to Earth to see her family. What an amazing turn of events. She let her eyes look around her lab before she left the room to go pack her bag for Earth.