Chapter Text
🍊
my personal space is uncomfortable as hell
Jaehyun’s voice is a warm blanket. The ones you set down for a picnic under the spring sun; the ones you wrap around yourself on a stormy night. His words are made of chocolate; sweet, and warm, they’re always meant to comfort, never to upset. Despite the teasing lilt that seems to never leave his tone, he’s never insincere. It’s why everyone gravitates to him so naturally, planets to the sun.
Jaehyun never raises his voice in anger, even now when he’s brimming with frustration. He knows Sungho hates it—it reminds him too much of family dinners that end up with shattered China plates and knocked-over chairs—so Jaehyun has learned never to yell when he’s angry.
(Sungho thinks it would sting less if Jaehyun did. He doesn’t feel worthy of Jaehyun’s consideration right now.)
It’s way past midnight. Unlike most nights that he comes home late, tonight, he doesn’t find Jaehyun asleep on the sofa. Most nights, Sungho would have to coax him to change out of his scrubs and drag tired bones to rest on a proper bed. The TV isn’t running any of the K-dramas Jaehyun doesn’t pay attention to but insists on keeping on because it keeps him company while waiting for Sungho to come home.
It’s way past midnight. There’s Sungho: standing stiffly by the entrance of their apartment. He’s yet to shrug his coat off. There’s Jaehyun. He’s wearing a cream knit cardigan Sungho gave him and a black button-up he only brings out for special occasions, still dressed for a date that never happened. Sungho can visibly see the exhaustion clinging onto Jaehyun’s slumped figure, the weight of the sky on his shoulders.
“I waited for three hours, Sungho. I waited until the restaurant closed because I believed that you’d show up. I wanted you to show up because we’re so busy that we’ve barely seen each other all month. But you didn’t even- you didn’t even-“ Jaehyun lets out a shaky exhale, tired. His stomach twists into knots when Jaehyun finally looks at him, eyes void of fondness, and instead full of hurt. Sungho wants to reach out and wipe the tears welling in his eyes, but he’s scared that he’d break him even more if he dared to touch him. It’s all too delicate right now. Any more pressure and this brittle moment will snap. “God, Sungho. You didn’t even reply to any of my texts. You didn’t pick up any of my calls. All our friends didn’t know where you were. I was so fucking scared that something happened to you.”
Sungho’s bottom lip catches between his teeth and his eyebrows furrow. He doesn’t get why Jaehyun doesn’t seem to understand, but he tries explaining again. “There was a sudden business meeting and my parents, you know them. They said they needed me to be there—“
Jaehyun cuts him off with a bitter laugh. “It always is. It’s always them. Of course it is.” He’s aimlessly wiping his tears with his sleeves when he says: “I’m so tired of feeling abandoned. Like I’m just something you could push to the side and pull whenever it’s convenient. That’s the excuse you say whenever you come home late. That’s the excuse whenever you suddenly can’t pick me up from work even when you promised you would. If things are always going to be like this then…”
Jaehyun walks toward the door behind Sungho. For a moment he’s an arm's width away in front of Sungho, near enough to hold, then he isn’t.
The knob clicks.
If Sungho hadn’t been so stunned by the sudden outburst, he would have noticed the tremble in Jaehyun’s voice when he announced: “I don’t think we should go on with this.”
The door shuts firmly. The temperature drops to an unforgiving cold.
🍊
sometimes i want to lean in
For a long while, Sungho just stands there, dazedly staring at the door.
It’s only when Parmie trots over that he snaps out of his trance. The orange ragdoll paws at the door then turns to nuzzle at Sungho’s leg. She tilts her head almost inquisitively, as if she’s wondering where Jaehyun has gone too.
“I guess it’s just you and me for now, Parmie.” Sungho pats Parmie gently. As if in sympathy, Parmie meows back.
He’s still contemplating whether he should chase after Jaehyun or not. Sungho prefers to iron out disagreements right away. However, experience reminds him that Jaehyun prefers sorting out his feelings on his own first, so Sungho decides to give him space.
Heaving a deep sigh, Sungho scoops Parmie into the crook of his arm. “Let’s wait for your other dad to come home, ‘kay? I’ll clean up so he’ll be… calmer when he’s back.”
With Parmie keeping him company, Sungho cleans and cleans and cleans. It’s rather therapeutic. Tidying up the space is a welcome distraction; his mind clears up in the process, too.
Routinely, he starts with the living room. With a practiced hand, he meticulously organizes the shelves displaying stacks of his DVDs, Jaehyun’s array of music albums, and their shared collection of blind box figurines. Sungho pauses when he reaches to where a framed photo Taesan took of them on their high school graduation day sits. He holds it up to see it closer.
They’re both in their uniforms in the photo, each with a diploma and a sunflower (gifted by Woonhak) in hand. Sungho has an arm wrapped around Jaehyun’s shoulders, and the other is leaning close toward him.
It’s this particular detail that smoothens the furrow in his eyebrows, lifts the corners of his mouth, and turns his eyes into something incredibly fond: while Sungho is grinning widely with crinkled eyes towards the camera, Jaehyun is smiling at Sungho.
(Jaehyun confesses to him two summers after. It’s all faux confidence and trembling hands around a red tulip and Sungho is so endeared by him and he likes Jaehyun so much. Is there anything but yes to say if Myung Jaehyun asks you on a date? It’s not like Sungho can ever say no to him in the first place.
That same summer, a little before they’re officially a thing, Sungho comes over to help Jaehyun pack his things to move out of his parents’ house. It’s mostly Sungho doing the actual work of neatly organizing Jaehyun’s life into brown boxes, really, because Jaehyun gets distracted by every nostalgic childhood relic he unearths. He was never good at throwing things out, too attached to the memories they intertwined with, no matter how distant or fleeting the moment was.
Just like Jaehyun, his room is a mosaic of everything and everyone he loves, has loved. Band posters plastered are on deep blue walls and four-cut photos of them and their friends are pinned on Jaehyun’s corkboard. There is not a space left unloved. Tucked in every corner of the room are gifts Jaehyun has treasured over the years. From Woonhak, a jar of his favorite sweets; from Taesan, customized accessories; from Sanghyuk, scented candles and from Leehan, a plush keychain of a wolf with cartoonishly wide eyes. Lastly, there’s his self-proclaimed most prized possession: a cream knit cardigan Sungho got him.
Jaehyun’s eyes are still flitting between his giant Pokémon plushies when Sungho comes across a photo album on the desk. Taesan made Riwoo, Sungho, and Jaehyun each a personalized scrapbook of their own and gifted it to them the week after their graduation. Stickers and pop-ups aside, Jaehyun’s is clearly the thickest among the three. Taesan claims it’s because Jaehyun has so many embarrassing photos and it would be a shame to leave any of them out. Still, even if Taesan would never admit it, they all know he has so many photos of Jaehyun because he never misses documenting any of his childhood best friend's moments, no matter how small or big.
Deciding he could take a break after all the spring cleaning they (again, it’s mostly Sungho) have been doing, he sits cross-legged on the bed to flip through the sturdy craft paper pages. It’s arranged chronologically. On the last few pages of the album are photos taken during the graduation. Sungho comes across the one Taesan took of them two and laughs at Jaehyun’s smitten, incredibly cheesy face in the photo.
“Jae,” Sungho calls over to tease him. When he has gotten the other’s attention, he holds up the album so Jaehyun can see the picture. “You kinda look like you’ve got a crush on me here.”
Jaehyun scoots over, dragging along the Elfuun and Snorlax pillows, to see the photo better. He studies it for a bit, then blinks at Sungho.
“Yeah.” Jaehyun nods earnestly, he looks at Sungho like it’s a matter of fact. He always admits his affections so easily, proudly, even. Nonetheless, it never fails to surprise Sungho whenever he’s so willingly transparent. “I’ve had a crush on you since that one time we were together for a group project in second-year high. You were so nice and smart. Also, I thought you looked super cute in your glasses. I’m so weak for cute boys with glasses. I was bound to like you.”
There’s a blush rising to Sungho’s cheeks now. If he wasn’t so flattered, he would be regretting bringing anything up at all. But Sungho is Sungho, and Sungho is a whole lot interested in what Jaehyun thinks of him, so he prods a little further. “No way. Seriously?”
“Mhm. I can’t believe you didn’t notice. I kept trying to make you look my way.” Jaehyun pouts petulantly. He looks down and plays around with his Whimsicott plush to hide his reddening face, but his fidgeting hands betray his confident front, too. To Sungho, they’re all telltale signs he’s getting shy. “Taesan always said I was too obvious when he’s the one who told me to take the opportunity to woo you. He’s the worst! You know, he even said that—”
Jaehyun continues to talk but it gets drowned out when Sungho cradles the album toward himself again. He traces over the photo gently with the pad of his index finger and just takes in the look on Jaehyun’s face in the photo for a good minute. Then, he looks at the 3D version of Jaehyun ranting. He’s all exasperated faces and wild gestures and Sungho thinks he’s so beautiful. Jaehyun is so unbound by worries and expectations. He overflows with genuineness and emotion that Sungho has been missing out on. It’s foreign, it’s new, and normally Sungho would be so averse to change but this is different, this is thrilling. He can’t help but want to see more of Jaehyun’s world. To be part of Jaehyun’s world.
“—I’ve been friends with Taesan since forever and I can say he’s a menace! A total menace! We have to keep him away from Leehan—”
“I think we should frame it.”
“—because he’s gonna corrupt poor, sweet, sweet angel Leehan. Wait. What?” Jaehyun whips his head and grabs Sungho's hand.
“We should frame it,” Sungho repeats. He ignores the warmth rising up to his ears and keeps his voice as steady and as convincing as he can manage. “This photo.”
“Really?” Jaehyun barely contains his grin and his eyes sparkled with anticipation, and Sungho couldn’t believe they were for him. He looks so fond, just like in the picture (maybe even fonder than that).
Sungho’s heart surges with affection. He molds his hand to fit the spaces between Jaehyun’s fingers. It’s his own way of telling Jaehyun that he feels the same way.
His eyes flick down to Jaehyun’s smiling mouth. He can tell by the subtle sheen that Jaehyun actually remembered to wear lip balm today (most days he needs Sungho to remind him). It makes him want to pull Jaehyun in even closer. Time freezes here. Before he knows it, his hand moves until it’s almost touching Jaehyun’s cheek, then he sees Jaehyun’s lips part in a quiet puff; it kinda makes him wonder if they’re as soft as they look, it kinda makes him want to lean in and—
He halts his train of thought and hesitates. Sungho doesn’t know what the outcomes could be. He doesn’t know enough to predict how Jaehyun would react to that. There are too many possibilities of what could happen if he did that and some of them are just Not Good. He really can’t risk it.
So, Sungho musters all his willpower to go against what he wants.
For now, he resists the urge to fill his arms with Jaehyun. For now, he resists the urge to cross a line. He picks his hand up from where it froze in the air and brings it up to brush brown curls gently instead. For now, he’s content with this.
The clock hands begin to move again.
“Yeah.” Sungho smiles and rubs his thumb gently on the back of Jaehyun’s hand before squeezing it gently. His gaze turns into something tender as he watches Jaehyun draw hearts to his palm. “Really.”)
Sungho wipes the dust off (there barely is any) and sets the photo back down on the shelf. He places it a little forward and clears the decal obstructing the photo.
The entire time he was cleaning the living room, his eyes would flicker to the door every other second, hoping that Jaehyun would come in. The living room is completely spruced up. Jaehyun doesn’t return.
With a sigh, he drags his feet to the kitchen.
Sungho freezes the moment his eyes catch a bouquet of flowers on the table. A card is tied on to it with twine. Sungho cautiously unties it to read the words written in rushed handwriting.
My Loveliest Yeppi! ^__^
You get me flowers all the time, so I wanted to be the one giving for a change. You’re the flower expert between us, so I’m sure you know what these mean. I chose well, didn’t I? I hope you like them <3
It’s a beautiful arrangement of chamomile, baby’s breath, and blue salvias. Patience in adversity, everlasting love, I think of you. It’s so thoughtful and they’re all Sungho’s favorites; he can tell Jaehyun chose them with him in mind.
Sungho gasps as he reads over to the rest of the card. He gets it now, why Jaehyun’s so upset, why Jaehyun wouldn’t hear him out. He reads the words again and again, each read making him more guilt-stricken than the last.
“I messed up,” Sungho whispers.
I’m glad we managed to fit this date in. We’re both so busy with internships that I barely get to see you anymore :( but I know it’s you working hard for your dreams, and who am I to stand in the way of that when you’ve been so supportive of mine? So for now, I can settle with spamming you with photos of everything that reminds me of you and 2AM snacks with you and rare dates like this that we plan so far ahead.
Whatever we become in the future, I hope we’ll still be together, like we are now (but maybe with me a little less you-deprived).
Happy anniversary, my left atrium.
Always yours, always loving you (with all four chambers of my heart and no less!!!),
Jaehyun
Sungho holds the bouquet to his pounding heart. The room around him won’t stop spinning.
Jaehyun doesn’t come home that night.