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The idea came to him while scrolling through his YouTube homepage. Regulus enjoyed watching documentaries, true crime, video essays, and the occasional ASMR video to unwind from a long day at work. Being a veterinarian was as rewarding as it was draining, and sometimes Regulus just wanted to come home, curl into a ball, and never leave his bed again.
It was rare that Regulus had the house to himself. Whether it was Sirius hovering, Barty intruding, or Dorcas coming over after an argument with her girlfriend, his house was always busy. Ever since last year, when he and James decided to move in together, Regulus rarely had time to himself. Surprisingly, that wasn’t a problem. Regulus found he loved being with James in his downtime, probably because he loved his boyfriend more than he could ever put into words.
Even still, sometimes, Regulus needed a moment alone—truly alone. Away from his overbearing big brother and manic best friend. Away from his other friends who fussed and worried and cared. Away from even James, who shone even in the dark, making it hard for Regulus to stand the light burning behind his eyes.
Luckily, James was incredibly sympathetic. His boyfriend always seemed to know what Regulus was feeling without him saying, and that Saturday morning he woke Regulus up with a gentle kiss before informing him that he would be out visiting his parents. Regulus had rolled onto his back and kissed him goodbye before going back to sleep for another hour.
After he woke up properly, Regulus was scrolling through YouTube, hoping to find another video essay to watch while he made lunch, when he saw an advertisement for a prank channel. Immediately, he wrinkled his nose in distaste. Regulus hated prank channels since they were either fake, cruel, or a mixture of the two. Very few pranks were harmless these days, not with netizens desperate to rip someone apart.
Out of morbid curiosity, he clicked on the user profile and began scrolling through their videos. Most of them seemed like the standard overly ambitious pranks that were honestly downright juvenile. Regulus scoffed as he saw one thumbnail with multiple red arrows and actors wearing shocked expressions.
Regulus was about to go back to his subscription page to see if his favourite video essay creator, Lily Evans, had posted when he saw one of the thumbnails from a few months ago had a skull symbol. With a raised eyebrow, he scrolled further down to read the rest of the title and narrowed his eyes.
Four months ago, ‘GidFab Prew’ posted: ‘FAKE DEAD BODY PRANK ON SISTER!! (SHE CALLED THE POLICE)’.
Either their sister was completely normal or Regulus was mad, because the idea of his brother calling the police on him left him bristling. Somewhat embarrassed, he copied the link for the video and pasted it into a private browser. If James ever saw him watching something so embarrassing he would never live it down.
Regulus watched the video with a straight face. ‘GidFab’ was apparently Gideon and Fabian, identical twins who thought themselves to be true comedians. Their sister Molly seemed much kinder and was clearly more mature than her two idiot brothers. He felt tempted to leave a sympathetic comment when he saw the irritation on her face after realising she had been pranked but decided against it. He didn’t want there to be any trace of his moment of weakness watching a prank video.
As the obnoxious outro played with blaring EDM music, Regulus thought.
What would his brother do if he spotted Regulus dragging a fake dead body? Moreover, what would his friends do? Or James?
Regulus didn’t exactly have the means to mock up a fake body wrapped in tarpaulin…but he did have a phone.
“This is a terrible idea,” Regulus said as he exited YouTube and picked up his phone. Did he not just say that pranks were silly and juvenile? This was something his brother would have done back at school.
Who was he kidding? This was something Sirius would do tomorrow.
“Start small,” he murmured as he tapped on his iMessage app. He had three pinned conversations. The first was his chat with James. In the middle was his chat with Sirius. On the right was his group chat with Barty, Dorcas, Evan, and Pandora.
Messaging the group chat would be foolish. It would send his friends all into a panic. Instead, he scrolled through the list of recent messages. Regulus didn’t have many contacts in his phone that he regularly spoke to, and he never kept chats unless they were with friends, so it was a thankfully short list.
“Start small,” he repeated, thumb hovering over a contact name. He tried to think where everyone would be that day before rolling his eyes and going to the location app. Since Barty was a possessive freak, he insisted on them all using a location app so they could always see where everyone was. Then he made the mistake of mentioning it to Sirius back in university and he made all of his friends join, so Regulus had a real-time map showing where everyone was.
Luck was on his side—everyone was spread out.
Barty was at his flat, probably laying in bed, but Evan was not with him. Instead, it appeared that Evan was at the supermarket. Probably stocking up on alcohol for tomorrow when they would be celebrating Pandora’s promotion. Speaking of Pandora, she was at the pond near her flat. Probably feeding the ducks.
Dorcas was at Marlene’s flat. Marlene was at a different supermarket. James was at his parent’s house on the outskirts of town. Remus was out near a field, almost assuredly walking Padfoot, while Sirius was at their shared flat. Peter was at the office where he worked since he sometimes worked Saturdays.
Perfect.
Regulus wrote out a message and sent it individually to each of them: ‘I need you to help me dispose of a body.’
And then, Regulus waited.
In hindsight, this was not starting small.
Then again, he was unlikely to find them all so spread out again. His friendship group had always been a little codependent and certain pairs within their wider group were pretty much inseparable. Regulus was sure it would take surgical intervention to remove James, Sirius, and Barty from him. Probably Remus and Dorcas too.
So, he couldn’t be blamed for taking advantage of the situation, right? His friends weren’t the type to get hung up on something like this, and he’d been careful not to send the text to Pandora (who would panic) or Peter and Marlene (who he was less close to). He chose his targets carefully.
Barely five seconds had passed since sending the texts before his phone started to ring.
Eyebrows shooting up, he gave himself a second to guess who was calling him, and was completely unsurprised to see it was Sirius.
“Hello?” Regulus said as he answered the phone.
“Stay where you are.” Sirius’ voice was thin and breathy.
“What?”
There was a bang across the line, then the sound of thundering footsteps. “Where are you, Reg?”
“I’m at home—”
“Good. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Don’t move. Don’t call or text anyone else. And delete that text you sent me. I’ll do the same.”
“Wait—”
Before he could say anything more, the phone call ended. Regulus pulled the phone away from his ear and blinked down at it.
This was a terrible idea.
Just as that thought came to him, his phone buzzed several times in rapid succession. While on the phone to Sirius, he had already received replies from two more people.
After Sirius, the first response was from James.
Jamie <3: ‘Give me five minutes, love’
The next few messages came in one right after the other.
Dorcas: ‘Nice try. Marlene loves prank videos <3.’
Dorcas: ‘If this is real: I’ve heard the river by Salazar’s is deeper than it seems and the area is dead quiet.’
Dorcas: ‘Ha. Get it? Dead.’
Dorcas: ‘No, seriously, this has to be fake because my Regulus knows how to get rid of a body.’
Regulus snorted. She wasn’t wrong.
His phone began ringing again and Regulus answered, tapping the speaker icon.
“Hi, Moony.”
“Do you have any tools?”
A slight smile tugged at his lips. “No,” he said, careful to keep his voice even. This was sort of fun, actually.
“Okay. I’ll have to stop at mine to drop Pads off. Delete that text and don’t speak to anyone else. Do you want Sirius involved?”
“No,” he said, curious. His phone started buzzing rapidly and he hissed. “I have to go.”
“Find some gloves!” Remus said before the call ended.
Regulus shook his head, a fond smile stealing across his face. The texts were coming in more rapidly now and he scrolled through his notifications with a hum.
Evan: ‘Love that for you.’
Evan: ‘Just got back home and Barty has disappeared.’
Evan: ‘Please tell me you didn’t kill my boyfriend. We aren’t married yet so I won’t even inherit anything.’
Dorcas: ‘I know you’re reading this Reg!’
Dorcas: ‘I will march right over there.’
Evan: ‘If you have actually killed someone can I see?’
Evan: ‘Whatever. See you later, maybe <3’
Regulus phone started to buzz again and he smiled when he saw James’ contact name and picture on his screen. “Hello, darling.”
“Hi, sweetheart. I just left my parents’ house. I can be back in about thirty minutes. I picked up some stuff from the garage so we can have this sorted out soon, okay? Don’t be scared. I won’t let anything happen, alright?”
Regulus’ insides turned to mush. “Really?”
“Of course. Is it someone we know? What happened? Talk to me.”
Regulus bit his lip in thought. He was incredibly tempted to say something like Sirius or Peter or Evan just to see how James would react but that would be truly cruel. Making James think Regulus killed someone he cared about was unthinkable. His James was too sweet.
Although, not so sweet that covering up a murder was off the table. For some reason, that made heat stir in his gut and he felt a warm tingle all the way to his toes.
“Benjy.”
A neighbour. Someone neither of them knew very well but knew enough to know him by name.
James went quiet. “That’s alright. We can still manage this. His house doesn’t have any cameras and he only lives two doors down… Baby, did he come to you or did you go to him?”
Regulus went to reply, then he heard the sound of footsteps. Eyes widening, Regulus hung up. Terror filled his chest. Had someone broken in? Was Regulus about to face an intruder? Ironic. If he ended up killing this would-be robber, then he really would need someone to help him hide the body.
“Gattino.”
Regulus dropped his phone on the bed.
“Barty?”
Barty was standing in his doorway, dressed head to toe in black with a ski mask on. “Where’s the body?”
Regulus’ jaw dropped. “What?”
Apparently there was no time to talk. Barty pulled him to his feet and directed him to the bathroom. “Strip. Shower. I’ll deal with the rest. Mind if I call Ev? No, stupid question, we need to keep this between us.”
“Did you— Did you break in?”
“Climbed through the back window. You should remember to lock it,” Barty said. His voice was muffled by the ski mask but Regulus couldn’t stop staring at his eyes—the only part of his face he could see. They were wide and wild.
Regulus went to speak but was once again interrupted. The front door banged open and he heard the sound of muffled cursing before a voice called: “Reg?”
“Shit,” Barty hissed. He reached into the pocket of his hoodie and pulled out—
“Is that a saw?”
“Want me to deal with him?”
“That’s my brother, you idiot,” Regulus said, eyeing the weapon. “Where did you get that from?”
“Under my pillow.”
Regulus shook his head as he rushed out into the hallway. Sirius was standing in the living room, laying out a plastic sheet. “Oh, fuck,” he murmured. This had gotten severely out of hand.
“Don’t worry about a thing, baby. Go to bed and let big brother handle all of this nastiness.” Sirius glanced up with a smile before he shot up, tugging a butcher’s knife out of the bag by his side. “Who the fuck—”
“It’s Barty,” Regulus said hurriedly, arms outstretched. “I texted him—”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Put the bloody saw down and help me roll these sheets out.”
“What for?”
“Cutting the body into pieces will make it easier to transport.”
“Oh. I thought we could just toss it in a river but this works too.”
“Amateur. We cut the body up, burn the pieces beyond recognition, toss the remains in different bodies of water.”
“Smart. I’ll handle the body, you focus on clean up.”
“Cool. Reg, baby, go back to bed.”
“No, he needs to shower. Do you have any blood on you?” Barty turned to him.
Regulus startled. “What? No. Right, I should probably tell you that—”
The door opened again before he could finish and Regulus threw his hands up in irritation. Remus was standing in the doorway holding a rucksack. He took in the sight of Sirius on the ground, Regulus standing on a plastic sheet, and a masked man holding a saw.
Then, very calmly, Remus pulled out a gun.
“Get away from them,” Remus said, still extremely calm as he aimed the pistol at Barty.
“You have a gun?” Regulus breathed. Why on Earth did Remus of all people own a gun?
“Don’t worry about it,” Remus said. He gestured with the gun, “Move.”
“What he said.”
Regulus startled at the sudden appearance of James. He whirled around to see James with an axe slung over his shoulder. Something was incredibly wrong with him because seeing James with a large blade in hand made warmth burn low in his abdomen.
“Calm down,” Barty said as he tugged the mask off. “I’m here to help clean up.”
Remus looked disappointed. “Oh.”
“We’re wasting time,” Sirius said unhappily. He’d laid out all of the sheets across the living room floor, coffee table, and even the sofas.
“Right, Reg, where’s the body?” Barty asked. He sounded far too chipper.
“Guys—”
“I’d also like to know who you killed,” Remus said as he started fishing through his bag for some ropes.
“Why do you have rope?” Sirius asked as Remus pulled out a long line of black cord.
“Don’t ask questions.”
“I want to know where you got a bloody gun from,” Barty said sullenly. “I want a gun.”
“Nobody is giving you a gun, Crouch,” James said with a roll of his eyes. He turned to Regulus with a gentle smile. “Where’s Benjy, love?”
“Benjy? Your neighbour?” Sirius frowned. “What did that prick do?”
Regulus groaned and covered his face.
“It’s alright, nobody is judging,” Barty said.
“This was such a bad idea,” Regulus said miserably.
Sirius set down his knife and frowned at him. “What happened, Reg?”
Embarrassment sat hot and prickly in his chest. The thought of explaining that it was all just a stupid prank would probably kill him but it wasn’t like he could continue with the lie. Instead, he turned to James.
“How were Mama and Baba?”
James blinked. The axe in his hands made him look like a sexy lumberjack. Regulus wanted to cry. “Hm? They’re fine. I told them I might need them to act as my alibi for a bit.”
Regulus stared. “You told your parents that I…”
“I tell them everything,” James said with a frown.
“Idiot,” Barty said snidely. “Now Reg is going to go to jail.”
“No, he’s not, my parents aren’t like yours, Crouch,” James snapped. “They would happily lie on the stand.”
“Yeah, well, my dad is a bastard politician. He’d throw anyone under the bus if it helped his career.” Barty crossed his arms. Suddenly, his eyes lit up. “Oh, Gattino, can we pin this on him? Pretty please—”
“Absolutely not. That’s a terrible idea. Do you want him to get caught?” Remus said.
“The body will start to smell soon so we should hurry this along,” Sirius said, checking his watch with a tight frown.
“There is no body!” Regulus shouted, patience finally running out.
The four of them went quiet. They traded confused looks before turning to him.
“What do you mean? Did you eat it?”
“Why the fuck would I eat— What is wrong with you?”
Barty shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.”
Remus narrowed his eyes. “There never was a body, was there?”
Reluctantly, Regulus shook his head.
“Wait…” Sirius trailed off. “So, this was…a prank?”
“A prank?” A look of pure delight washed over James’ face. “My love, did you prank me?”
Regulus’ face burned. “It appears so.”
“Oh,” Barty said. His shoulders slumped in clear disappointment. “Well, that’s boring.”
“You broke into my house with a saw then you were held at gunpoint,” Regulus said, folding his arms and sniffing. “I think you’ve had enough fun for at least a month.”
“I suppose.”
“You pranked me,” James said, awed. A hand covered his heart. “You actually pranked me.”
Regulus cleared his throat. Remus was slowly putting the ropes back in his bag while Sirius stared down at the knife. “I did. I saw a very juvenile video of two idiotic ‘pranksters’ where they fooled their older sister into thinking they were disposing of a dead body and she called the police on them.”
“And you wanted to see if we would do the same,” Remus said in understanding.
“What an awful sister,” Sirius said furiously. “If you see your little brother dragging a dead body out of the house then you help!”
Regulus couldn’t help but smile. “No, I think that’s just us.”
“You’d help me dispose of a dead body?”
“Obviously.”
“Hold on, do you mean those ginger twins?” Barty said. “Dorcas watches them sometimes.”
“She said Marlene does,” Regulus said.
Barty snorted. “They both do.”
“I can’t believe you pranked me,” James said, still smiling. The axe was dropped on the floor and Regulus gasped as he was tugged against James’ chest. “You devious little thing.”
“Are we the only ones?” Remus asked.
Regulus tipped his head back as James pressed a kiss to his lips. He hummed. “No. I messaged Evan and Dorcas too but neither of them believed me. Well, Evan seemed to think I’d killed Barty and was upset that he wouldn’t be entitled to any of his money so—”
Barty sighed dreamily.
“As for Dorcas, she suggested the river and then said she knew I was lying because I would know how to get rid of a body.”
“I did think it was strange that you texted me,” Sirius said.
“You know better than to leave a trail,” James said knowingly, an adoring smile on his face. Regulus leaned up to kiss him when a strange noise made him pause.
Slowly, Regulus lowered himself back to the floor and frowned. “Can you hear…”
“What is that?” Remus asked, looking around. “There’s no chance you have rats.”
“Shh,” James said, keeping one arm around Regulus while he picked up the axe.
All of them went quiet.
There was a moment of silence before the odd sound started up again, almost like something metal was scraping against a plate. After a moment, Regulus realised it was the sound of the front door, and his eyes widened in alarm.
“What is that?” James asked worriedly.
“The door,” Remus said lowly. “Someone’s trying to come in.”
“Oh shit.” Sirius’ face paled. “This is my fault.”
Barty raised his saw. “I can handle it.”
“What did you do, Sirius?” Remus hissed.
“I…called an expert,” said Sirius reluctantly.
Regulus whirled on him. “What on Earth are you talking about?”
There was a moment of silence before the door finally swung open.
“Oh, my ickle Reggie!”
Regulus’ heart plummeted and he looked at Sirius in betrayal. “You did not.”
“I did.”
The sound of sharp heels clicked towards them before finally she rounded the corner. Bellatrix grinned at them all, her lips painted blood red. In her arms, she held a large sword that he vaguely recognised from one of the suits of armour in Black Manor. The grin on her face was nothing short of terrifying even as her jaw worked, chewing the bubblegum she once stuck in Mother’s hair.
She watched them all with glittering black eyes before blowing a bubble in her gum, then she popped it.
“So, where’s the pig?”
Regulus covered his face with his hands. In the future, he was going to leave the pranks to Sirius.