Chapter 1: New Beginnings
Notes:
TW for chapter:
mentions of homophobia and transphobia
Regulus mentions some experiences with dysphoria
briefly mentions family is abusive (but doesn't really talk about it)
Chapter Text
He felt like he would never be truly free. The last name Black is something that like spilled ink stains everything around it. No matter how far you go, it follows you. Just when you think you’ve reached a corner of the world that has had the joy of not hearing the name, they go “Black? That sounds familiar….Oh! Are you related to Orion and Walburga Black?” And the conversation would go on and on about how incredible it must be to have famous parents and be from the Black family. Regulus’ father was a pretty well known movie producer and his mom an actress but the public had no idea what his reality was like growing up. Only whatever his parents wanted to show the media. And if Regulus or his brother breathed a word of their parents' true actions to the press? They would be blacklisted in any way that mattered. Say goodbye to any future you had actually wanted for yourself because it would be the word of Hollywood's prized stars or their no-name sons.
So he waited until he left for college. He would be everything they wanted because he was terrified to be anything less. His brother left home around sixteen. God, how he wished he could go with him. But he was never allowed to have the same freedoms as Sirius. Sirius had begged him to come with him that night but he felt he would just be a burden. His brother was always popular at school and had tons of friends. He saw the Potters as more of a family and James as more of a brother than his own by blood. And Regulus? He was alone. He couldn’t leave to join James and the Potters. His parents would have definitely lost it and pulled something making both his and Sirius’ life ten times worse. So if he has to suffer so that his brother could actually get a chance at life? So be it.
He lived vicariously through him. Watching as he and James walked through the halls, laughing and living in their own world. Reggie was always alone. Constantly afraid to get close to others and trapped in his own mind - and body. His parents would never admit this publicly because they cared too much about their image but they were homophobic and transphobic. So Regulus….well he remained in the closet and had to pretend to be their perfect daughter. And he hated every second of it. So when he saw his university was offering students a chance to move in a few weeks after they graduated highschool to take a some seminar classes to get ahead, he jumped at the opportunity.
And so, he graduated, did all he could to avoid his parents for the next few weeks and then left with a note that he would never be coming back. He had saved money from working as a teenager and planned to get a job once he got started at uni. He had gotten most of tuition covered by an assortment of scholarships - benefits of being a highschool loner and having nothing to focus on but grades to keep him sane. To work for a goal. To get out.
He had cut his hair the night before by himself, locked in the bathroom with a pair of kitchen scissors. His parents were out of town working on some new project so he didn’t have to risk outing himself to them. He looked at himself for the last time in the mirror. The last time as their “daughter”. He hated it. He avoided looking in the mirror or even a passing reflection for years. He grabbed the scissors from the counter and began hacking at the hair just to have its length gone so he didn’t have to see “her” anymore. The Black daughter….he was finally going to get to live and be himself. After almost nineteen years, his life would be his own.
He snapped back to reality to see tears rolling down his face and hair left in jagged chunks. The image was so ridiculous that he began laughing to himself. After several minutes he was able to clean up his haircut so that he was left with short fluffy curls. His fingers ran through them and it was amazing. Regulus was starting to look like himself. And tomorrow he was going to be able to drive to uni and start living.
It was a long night and the hours passed slowly. He paced around his room recounting details in his head in preparation. He was even more excited for next week when he would get to meet with his doctor about starting testosterone. He had scheduled the appointment months ago and now the date was quickly approaching. When the sun actually was up and Regulus accepted he wasn’t going to fall asleep, he got up and moved all his belongings, or more accurately the ones he cared about, into his car. He left his note but he honestly wasn’t sure his parents would care much. Not about the fact that he was basically cutting contact with them. It was more likely that they’d care only if the media found out - so it would end in a mutual agreement to say nothing. They would be too embarrassed by the situation and would likely let his name and memory fade. At least that's what he hoped. The last thing he wanted was his parents attempting to find him - he wasn’t sure why they would but the thought haunted him none-the-less. He took one last look at the house he spent trapped in for nearly two decades before getting in the car and leaving it all behind him. For good.
Chapter 2: Familiar Faces
Summary:
It's move in day for the start of the Fall Semester and Regulus is already overwhelmed when he recognizes familiar faces from his past.
Notes:
TW for chapter:
Panic attack and anxious thoughts
implies that parents were abusive but doesn't explain/go into detail
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
It had been a couple months since Regulus had settled into the dorm room he was assigned as a summer resident. There weren’t many people on campus and he enjoyed the ability to focus on his course work and ultimately the ability to present as himself for the first time. The idea of making friends after being alone for so long was in a word - daunting. Especially when there was a limited number of students there for the summer. At least the people respected his identity and pronouns, for the most part, and he was far enough away that he didn’t recognize anyone who had known him before he was able to transition.
It was a worry that he would meet someone from his past. The thought gnawed at his mind. He was aware his university was fairly popular - and he was bound to run into someone…. How would they react? Would they even recognize him? He would cope by telling himself it didn't matter. That he wasn’t close enough to anyone before, that it shouldn't affect him. But the thoughts didn't stop. And when he was left alone for too long and it was quiet enough, his thoughts wandered back to him. And it got worse as they finally approached the Autumn semester.
Today was the day that most students returned to campus. Regulus had already decided that he would hide out in his room for most of the day. Was it the healthiest option? No. But when the mere thought of running into someone who knew him sent him spiraling to the point he had to lay on a cold floor, struggling to breath just to ground himself - it made sense. Panic attacks were unfortunately something Regulus was very used to. Something he felt deep shame for because his family had claimed it made him an “embarrassment”. That he should be able to function “just like everyone else”. Sirius had always helped him when he noticed the signs and they were out at an event with their parents or even if it was just at home. But that felt like a lifetime ago.
Regulus would catch himself wondering just how many students would be moving in today. What lives did they leave behind? What were they like? Maybe he would get to know some of them. If he could actually make an effort to find friends. He peaked through his blinds and saw students, several with what looked like family members, moving into the dorms. It made him feel a bit dejected and even a sense of envy. That there were people out there with normal lives and caring parents. That had friends and people they could lean on. Regulus only had himself. And while that was by design in a lot of ways as it made things easier - it certainly was difficult. I mean he wasn't some monster, of course he wanted friends, people who actually cared for him. But… it was hard. To actually let down your walls. To let someone get to know you. To put yourself out there and not worry about rejection or being labeled a “burden” or a “disappointment” like his parents had called him so many times before.
He snapped the blinds back shut and his room darkened. The sun was starting to set and he decided he needed to at least leave his room and face life as it was. He couldn't trap himself here forever. He looked around and found his laundry bin. Okay, he thought to himself, I can start small - maybe do a load of laundry. It's productive at the very least. So he gathered his things into the hamper and grabbed the detergent and fabric softener to head down to the floor below him where the laundry mat was located in their building.
When he stepped out of the dorm, he saw the hall in utter disarray. People everywhere, shouting to one another down the halls. Boxes, bins, totes and personal belongings being carried or pushed in carts into bedrooms. Conversations bouncing off the walls in a variety of tones. Neighbors excited to move in for another year together at uni, pissed off parents arguing over tuition statements or people complaining about heavy boxes or busy class schedules. Overhead lights that were unnatural hue and hard to look at.
He stumbled down the hallway attempting to not get hit by anyone in the oncoming traffic of students. There was a small line by the elevator and with an exasperated sigh, that again no one could even hear because of the sheer ear splitting volume on their floor, he got in line. Regulus leaned against the wall and kept his head down. It was all too overwhelming and he forgot his headphones which added to the modern nightmare. He would briefly look up for no more than fifteen second intervals of time. Scanning the hall, looking at peoples faces, picking up details. Then would look back down at his shoes and the now visible dirt and grime coating the tile floor. The elevator dinged and everyone got in as it opened. Well except for Regulus. He preferred his personal space and they were packed in like sardines. “I’ll take the next one,” he nodded. The elevator closed as he heard a familiar voice and name. Something that should have been impossible yet-
“Come on Sirius, just apologize to Pete!” The voice was exasperated but hauntingly familiar to Regulus. Someone he had left behind and hadn’t seen in years. Not to mention his brother's name being added to the mix. He had never, in his life, met another Sirius. There was only one and it was Sirius Black. He could feel his heart slam against his chest as he scanned the hall looking for the voice. It had to be him! But why? Why now? Why was he here of all places? He couldn’t find his brother or the voice from before. And just when he was sure that he had to be making up the whole thing, that the lack of sleep and family illness had caught up to him and he was losing it, someone ran into him as they turned the corner.
“Oh shit! I am so sorry mate I-”
Regulus’ heart stopped. He didn't have to turn around to know who it was. It was James Potter. Regulus was on his hands and knees from the force of James running into him. He had fallen over and his laundry bin tipped over with some clothes spilled out onto the floor.
“Here let me help, again I’m so so sor-”
“It’s fine!” Regulus said forced. He scrambled up, gathering the clothes into the bin. His mind was racing and he was surprised he had managed to blurt out the two cohesive words. Like magic, the elevator suddenly arrived at his floor and dinged open. He practically ran inside and hit the close door button before mustering the courage to turn around and face them. He brought his eyes from the floor up to meet James’ and then looked over next to him to find Sirius who looked right back and just as he opened his mouth in shock realizing who Regulus was - the elevator door thankfully shut.
Notes:
just finished this chapter and we are finally about to get into the story! i hope you like it so far, sorry if the first two chapters were slower but we had to set the story up!
Chapter 3: Out of Mind, Out of Body
Summary:
Regulus has to face reality and see Sirius and James Potter again....does it go well?
Notes:
TW for chapter:
Regulus actively experiencing anxiety attack and descriptions
mentions parents being homophobic and transphobic
Regulus experiences dissociation
implies abusive parents and household
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The elevator arrived at the floor below and Regulus forgot how to breathe. Nothing was making sense. How was he a mear ten feet from James Potter and his brother of all people. Had they recognized him? How would they react? It’s not like Regulus ever told his brother he was trans. Maybe he had suspected something like that, but they never talked about gender or sexuality or anything related to the topic because their parents were so blatantly transphobic and homophobic growing up. He had thought there was a possibility Sirius could be queer, but it was just as likely with their upbringing he was the complete opposite. Regulus could handle the rejection of his parents, of being branded “the family disappointment”, but he was terrified to come out to Sirius. If Sirius ever saw him in that light, had his face fall in the same way as his mothers - he feared it would break him.
And now, he had to just suddenly face it head on. There was no coming to terms with it and coming out in his own time. His brother and James Potter apparently lived in the same fucking building and they went to the same university. It was inevitable that he would have to see them again. And it was clear that Sirius at the very least recognized him. The look on his face was practically painted on the back of Regulus’ eyelids. And James? Who knows. The way he stopped mid sentence and his breath hitched when their eyes made contact -
No stop, he thought to himself. Regulus was spiraling and he needed to ground himself before it was too late to come back. He started to feel himself leave his body. As if things were happening in slow motion and on a delay. Almost as if he could see himself - which sounded crazy. You can't actually leave your body. But here he was. Instead of grounding like he was supposed to, his body chose another poison. Dissociation.
He stepped outside the elevator and sluggishly dragged the laundry bin towards an open washer. With a deep breath he lifted the bin and started pulling out the clothes to load them in, add soap and then quarters into the slots. He shoved them back and the washer was brought to life. He stood there as people passed by in the background. He did nothing and honestly wasn’t sure how much time passed before he was turning over his hands, flipping them over and over again, stretching out the fingers. He was finally back in his body, feeling restored and his mind less groggy and clouded. There was still time on the washer and although Regulus wasn't as anxious as before he dreaded the thought of returning upstairs to face what inevitably he had to. The longer he waited, the worse it would be.
Terror clawed its way up and around his throat as he made it back towards the elevator. Till the air felt thick and heavy and as if he was breathing through a straw. He knew if he took a deeper breath through his mouth it'd be easier. But he refused to noticeably struggle. He knew that was a stupid thought process and rationally there was nothing wrong with breathing heavier and appearing nervous. But when you grew up in a house where your every move was observed and perfected, so that when his parents were seen with them, there was nothing less than, thoughts like this seemed normal . Blacks weren't allowed to be nervous or anxious or to struggle. They had to be nothing and everything all at once. To be still but alive, to smile but not too much, to not show emotion but not appear emotionless. It was impossible . But it was ingrained in the fiber of his very being d and he’d be damned if he appeared nervous in front of James Potter. Maybe they are gone, he hoped. Maybe they left and I can just go to my room and-
But before he could finish that though the elevator door opened and he already could see the outline of his brother and his “replacement”. Regulus immediately closed his eyes and took a gulp of air before putting on the persona of someone that was the opposite of himself. Someone who was confident, charismatic, bold and unbothered. Inside Regulus was a mess.
It was Sirius who noticed him first. Sirius had a strange expression on his face. One that was happy and hopeful to see him but pained at the same time. As if seeing Regulus brought up bad memories and the past he refused to think about. “He-”
“Hi”. Regulus cut him off. His voice was forced with no emotion behind it, as if seeing Sirius again was a neutral experience. As if it didn't affect him in the slightest. He knew one thing, he sure as hell wouldn’t let Sirius be the first to speak. “I-”. He looked for what to possibly say next. What do you do when your brother ran away four years ago and you suddenly meet at a university you are both stuck in together for the next several years? “I, well,” he took a deep breath, “I didn’t know you went here”. It was all Regulus could manage.
“Yeah, I mean-” Sirius searched for anything to say, grasping at letters trying to string words together, but was left with them all scrambled before him. “I haven’t seen you in so long, I mean,” and Sirius just gestured at him. Motioning his hands up and down towards Regulus with an awkward laugh. “You… look so different!” he said with an awkward laugh meant to fill the silence. And it wasn’t a negative thing, just an expression of surprise.
“Yeah,” Regulus began. “ I look like…me.” He swallowed, closing his eyes, knowing he had to say it and that it couldn’t wait any longer. He opened his eyes and quickly glanced at James before finding Sirius’ again. “Sirius-”
“Yeah?” He sounded expectantly, happy even.
“Well, I’m not sure how to say this-” He took a breath and started again. “Sirius, I am trans. I’m a guy, I was never-” he trailed off looking at the dirty tile below. He was scared to meet the eyes of his brother, of someone from his past, his family. His voice began to falter and the persona he had sculpted so well cracked, crumbling down around him. “So yeah, a lot has happened since, well, since you left”. He took a minute before he went, “anyways, I go by Regulus now so-”
And he stopped mid sentence. Regulus had lifted his face from looking at the ground below and to now face Sirius as he said his name aloud. Sirius had a kind expression with a lazy half grin and kind of chuckled as he extended a hand and said, “Well, nice to meet you Regulus. My name’s Sirius Black”.
Notes:
Ah! they finally meet again after several years apart. I cant want to actually get into the story now. What do you think so far?
Chapter 4: The Perfect Storm
Summary:
Regulus deals with a flare and gets a migraine as he tries to handle seeing Sirius again. He also has a late night encounter with James Potter....
Notes:
TW for chapter:
chronic pain/illness
mentions throwing up?
mentions fainting
transphobia
descriptions of feeling trapped due to trauma and abuse
self hatred and unhealthy thinking patterns?
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus stood shell shocked for probably a minute too long. No response. He didn’t know what his brother would do, if he would ever see him again the night he left let alone receive acceptance given the way they were brought up. What they were taught to believe about people like him. The silence hung in the air, like a blade threatening to pierce the both of them clean through. Of course Sirius had to make a joke by “introducing” himself. Not to mock Regulus, but to break any tension that was created by the whole thing. It was a relief in a way but also so much had happened in the past several minutes it was hard to wrap his mind around it all. That and he had the eyes peering at him from James and two other men. They were about ten feet away giving the brothers space.
James stood awkwardly, hands shoved in the pockets of his faded jeans. He was wearing a buttoned white shirt with the collar slightly crumpled and a knit red sweater overtop. His hair looked like he had attempted to fix it for the morning but it still stuck up randomly in places. Like no matter how many times he ran a brush through it, it would still look messy. His glasses looked slightly crooked on his face and he kept quickly darting his eyes away from Regulus anytime he was caught looking back at him. How annoying. While Sirius waited for his reply, Regulus couldn’t help but wonder what was going through James' mind.
There were two others standing beside him. A shorter person with sandy blonde hair was laughing at something one of the others must have said. He had a sprinkle of faint freckles and he scrunched his nose and eyes that reminded him almost of a mouse. He must have been laughing for a while as his cheeks were tinted a darker pink. The one beside him was leaning up against the wall. He was the tallest one among them but was slightly hunched over so he ended up being the same height as James. He had a cane in one hand and had an arrangement of rings splattered across his fingers. He was also wearing jeans and had on a sweater with worn boots. He nodded every so often to seem to show he was listening to the conversation but overall seemed much more reserved than the rest of the group.
Sirius stood before him waiting. “Regulus, are you alright?” He snapped back from looking at the friend group to meet his brother's eyes. Sirius let out an awkward chuckle to fill the tension that seemed to linger in the air. Regulus felt a sharp pain shoot through his head, just behind his eyes and he couldn’t help but force them shut. He opened them again to see a couple black dots in his vision. He had felt the migraine coming on since last night but it hadn’t quite reached the level of a migraine yet. The change in season from summer to Autumn, the stress from this morning and anxiety attack in seeing Sirius and James and coming out suddenly….it all made sense that the pain was hitting him now. He steadied himself against the wall beside him and looked down at the floor below to avoid as much of the overhead light as possible.
The first time Regulus had a migraine it was the night before his seventh birthday - and it lasted three days. He always thought of it as one hell of a birthday present. He was plenty used to them by now but the first few were something burned to memory. His parents thought he was making it up at first, then just assumed he was being overdramatic. He had had migraines so bad that he felt as if he would pass out and that made him throw up. Regulus remembered the concerned look that would take over Sirius' usual smirk when he would find him in his room or wherever he was, in the dark on his floor. He used to take care of him - but Regulus had since learned to take care of himself and the migraines had gotten worse.
He took in a deep breath and opened his eyes again, “yeah, I’m alright”. And he even added a forced half smile to sell it. Of course Sirius saw right through it but before he could protest Regulus cut him off, “anyways, I should go,”
“Wait, no Regulus! You don't have to go-”
“I just, I have some things to do, I’ll see you around Sirius.” He found his eyes drifting over to Sirius’ friends, “plus your friends are waiting for you”.
“Hey, no, Regulus!” Sirius called after him as he started to make his way down the hallway. A shout that made people eye him as he passed by. He just needed to lay down. To be in a dark cool room to lessen the pain in his skull. His head was throbbing and he felt nauseous and he was honestly just trying to focus on making it to his room and not puking on the hallway floor. He didn’t have time to think of Sirius or James or all the new people in his dorm hall today. That could wait until tomorrow. “Regulus!” Sirius sounded desperate. As if somehow Sirius expected him to run away. No, he thought, no, you were the one that ran away. I would never go down that easily. For the life I left and am trying to make for myself - seeing you and James Potter isn’t enough to make me run.
“Sirius!” Regulus sounded somewhat exasperated. “I will see you soon, we obviously live in the same building” he gestured wildly before whipping around and spotting his door two down from where he currently was standing. He picked up his pace and slammed the door shut before wilting down toward the floor feeling the cool tile hit his face. He half got up to reach for his medication and took it once he was sure he wouldn’t be sick before laying in his bed.
****
He woke up in bed to thunder that rattled the cheap glass of his dorm window. The lighting briefly painted his walls before his room returned to darkness. It was storming outside and Regulus still had a dull pain in his head that lingered. The humidity wasn’t helping but when he made his way to the bathroom and saw his reflection in the mirror he noticed that it had affected his curls. Originally, he had cut his hair short enough that his curls were barely visible but it had been a few months since the initial haircut. He didn’t hate it but didn’t like the frizziness. Or that he had slept so hard his hair was left sticking up wildly. He ran his hair through it a few times. Something he didn’t miss about long hair, ignoring the dysphoria it caused, was how much easier short hair was to maintain. The second thing he noticed was the bags under his eyes and how pale he was. It was always more pronounced when he felt like this and made him hate looking at himself in the mirror even more. Since being able to transition, it had slightly been easier, but overall was still difficult. And he was used to avoiding his reflection. So he turned away.
My laundry! Fuck- He quickly put on his shoes and grabbed his keys. He darted for the door and ran into the hallway but slipped almost fully falling on his face. He managed to catch himself midway. The tile was dirty and had mud tracked in from people's shoes during the storm. It was move in day after all - so more people had come into the building than usual. “Shit!” He muttered under his breath, as he was half on his hands and knees. He probably had a bruise or two and mud now on the knees of his jeans he had slept in, and palm. You’d think they would have cleaned the floor by now as it had to be near one in the morning - but maybe they were unable to? But it was the middle of the night, and he just needed to make sure that his laundry hadn’t been tossed on the floor by some asshat who needed to do there's.
****
The elevator rang and he stepped off the landing, down the hall, into the laundry mat. No one was there - or at least that’s what he thought until he passed through the main door. There, in the corner of the room, now behind him, was a familiar mess of brown hair and wonky circle rimmed glasses. He now wore a T-shirt for the college’s football team, the Griffindor’s, and a pair of red and black matching checkered pajama pants. He stood what had to be slightly less than a foot taller than Regulus which only pissed him off more.
As he made his way to the washer that he left his clothing in last, he felt James turn around and catch his eyes on him. The recognition slowly found its way to him. Well fuck, Regulus thought to himself, I really hoped no one would be down here and who do I run into other than James himself. As if this day couldn’t get any better! Regulus began to feel heat rise to his cheeks, knowing that James was seeing what an utter mess he was. In wrinkled clothes, messy hair, eye bags, and mud that covered his knees and palms. For fuck sake-
“Hey!” James began, “So….you go be what name again now? Sorry, I just forgot-”
“Regulus.” He cut him off shortly, obviously annoyed letting out a huff. He didn’t expect anyone to remember his name or that it would at least take time to get used to, it had been less than a day. But it was always hurtful to a degree to bring up deadnames or pronouns. At least Potter hadn’t brought up his deadname and had the decency to at least do that.
“Right! Regulus. That’s a cool name, I’m not sure if I heard of it before or-” James seemed to be looking to fill the space with anything he could think of. It was odd to see him under any type of stress or anxiety. What exactly was he afraid of? James had always come across as a strong, confident and well-liked person to Regulus - which deeply aggravated him. James Potter. Quarterback, athletic, perfect, funny, popular, smart, came from money and had a good homelife? How does someone have all that? Then he took Sirius. The only one Regulus really felt close to, his brother, his home. And in one night he was gone.
He would never be mad at Sirius for getting out. If he could have left without the consequences he would have too. But he felt chained to that place and to his family. As if he owed it to them to stay. For being born, for being alive, for having a roof over his head, for growing up privileged. Trauma binds you to people and places often when it shouldn’t. So was he mad that Sirius freed himself? No. Did he resent him for the life his brother got to live? For his freedom? All while Regulus remained there and the abuse got worse because he was the only one left to take it? Yes. And he hated that about himself. He knew logically that Sirius did nothing wrong , that his brother was not a bad person and neither was James. That they were kind and genuine people. But honestly….that made Regulus hate them both more. Because they were just so perfect and Regulus felt anything but.
“So that’s cool you go here now! I mean, I know Sirius is happy to see you after, y’know-” James was almost stumbling over his words and stared at his hands.
“James?”
“Yeah?” James looked up, suddenly his dark brown eyes meeting Regulus’. It actually stopped him in his tracks for a second before he cleared his throat and glanced off before saying in a flat tone,
“Just stop”.
“W-what?” James seemed taken back for a moment.
“Just, please,” Regulus’ voice broke slightly. It had been a long enough day, “stop. You don’t need to do this, okay?” He turned on his feet to start loading his laundry from the washer to the dryer. “I really just-” He closed his eyes, hating the memories James Potter brought with him. When he opened them, he shut the dryer and began to walk away.
“Just go back to pretending I don’t exist, okay? It’ll be easier for everyone”.
“What? Regulus I never- what are you talking about?” James started to follow him to the hallway and then the elevator door. Regulus had attempted to shut it quickly but James stuck his foot in the opening causing the censors to be triggered so he could climb inside. Regulus rolled his eyes. “What do you mean?” James demanded. He sounded upset and almost…. angry? As if what Regulus said pissed him off somehow. Well, good then. Regulus thought to himself slightly pleased.
“Potter, I really don’t want to deal with this right now, okay?”
“That’s not an answer. I never ‘pretended you didn’t exist Regulus’. That was all you . I tried so hard to-” James' voice was elevated enough that it started to trigger the pain in Regulus’ head reminding him of the migraine that still was pushing on. He felt nauseous again and dizzy. He stumbled hitting his back against the elevator wall. He winced. “Regulus?” James’ voice had quieted from before. The tone was different too and now reflected concern. Regulus had his eyes closed and his right hand now on his forehead by his eyes. The last thing I need is pity from him! Damn it why am I so weak! Why couldn’t I just hold it together till I got off the damn elevator-
“Regulus?” James said again and touched his shoulder. Regulus shrugged away as they landed on his floor.
“I’m fine”. He forced out as he wobbled off the elevator and down the hall to his dorm.
“Wait! Wait, Regulus! Are you sure you’re-”
“I said I’m fine!” He half shouted. “Goodnight James!” He continued trailing the hallway until he arrived at his door and slammed the door just loud enough to get his point across. James stood waiting at the other end until Regulus disappeared.
Notes:
I know this was a longer chapter but I wanted to establish and introduce Regulus' struggle with chronic illness and migraines/some other stuff as well and him meeting James that night! I didn't see a point in splitting that chapters in two - so I hope you like it!
Chapter 5: Icebreaker
Summary:
Ugh, time for "Freshman Welcome Week" and Regulus is anything but excited. But a new character and potential friend makes an appearance?
Notes:
Tw for Chapter:
dizzy spells (health issues)
gender dysphoria (descriptions and thoughts)
reference to past abuse from parents (emotional abuse)
references to transphobia and thoughts (no actual transphobia)
anxiety attack
lashing out
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
He covered his face with his comforter as the sunlight crept in from the morning and blinded him. It was much too early in Regulus’ opinion to be awake, especially considering he barely slept through the night, or much through the past few days for that matter. Sirius had come back into his life and Regulus had desperately tried to avoid him. But his brother was everywhere. Sirius couldn’t help but draw attention to himself wherever he went. Always the center of every room, as if he were a blackhole and gravity physically pulled people to surround him. Regulus was more like a shadow. Sticking to walls and the edges of rooms. Never someone that was noticeable at parties or events. He told himself he preferred it that way but when his mind was less guarded he found it wondering what it would be like to be Sirius. To be a star that shined that bright.
To Regulus’ dismay he found out that Sirius and his friends were a part of the student staff for Freshman Welcome Week. Freshman Welcome Week took place the week before regular classes started. There were sessions to onboard and prepare new students so they would be “ready for a successful semester”. University was seen as a big change for most students but Regulus had taken college level courses for years and felt the week-long event in his case was useless. He hoped he could lock himself in his room but was sorely mistaken when he read an email Sunday night that stated that sessions would take place from Monday - Friday and were required for all Freshman students. If they failed to attend, they would have to make-up the sessions one-on-one with the student life office before they could officially attend class. In other words - he was fucked.
Now being Monday he attempted to blink the sleep out of his eyes. He felt as if he was weighed down on the mattress. There were shouts echoing down the halls of the student staff “warning” everyone that the first session of the day was in ten minutes. Regulus groaned. He hadn’t meant to wake up quite that late. He rolled out of bed and immediately steadied himself against the bed post. He closed his eyes until the dizzy spell passed. Sometimes when he stood up too fast he found the world would spin around him threatening his limbs to fall to the floor. It was chalked up to the shitty hand he was dealt in life but as he got older it seemed to get worse. Yet another “fun” thing to deal with and hide, he thought before opening his eyes and taking a few shaky steps to his dresser. He clutched the sides and counted to ten -beckoning the world to be still.
It took longer than he hoped for, but finally he could carry on with getting dressed. He quickly threw on dark jeans and a button up. He hated the way he had to cram his belongings into small drawers and compartments. Regulus always preferred things tidy and orderly. Not wrinkled shirts. He smoothed the shirt down, checking in the mirror to make sure his chest was flattened enough from the binder underneath. He sighed. It was never enough. And he quickly vanished from in front of the mirror. The dysphoria hit him like a brick wall. He closed his eyes shut, willing it to go away, to just let him breathe and not be weighed down by it for a moment of peace. But that’s the thing, it always seemed to win.
He looked down at his phone and saw the email with the location for the first session of the day. It was a block and a half from his dorm hall. Great, I will definitely be late then, he exasperated. Regulus dug around his backpack and found his earbuds tangled at the bottom. He took the time to undo the knots, as he was late already, and turned on one of those playlists you listen to when you want to mop around and feel sorry for yourself as he would describe it, and marched on.
****
When he finally arrived at the auditorium, where the welcome session was held, he was out of breath and struggling to hide it. Regulus had a problem. Even if it was a normal human emotion or action - such as being a bit winded from his walk down here - he wouldn’t let anyone know. He would never show anyone that he was struggling or any emotional reaction deemed “too much”. He was trained that way, and it was a hard code to crack. Regulus didn’t necessarily want to be this way but at the same time the thought of letting people in and trusting others fully with himself made him so uneasy he almost felt nauseous. He was conditioned to be this way by his parents and he wasn’t sure it was something that could be “fixed”.... Or even if he wanted to “fix it”
As he entered the double doors, he saw a few students near him look over. He hated drawing attention to himself. He quickly scanned the auditorium and found the closest seat. He took it and suddenly turned his head to find Sirius staring at him with a grin plastered across his face. Fuck, Regulus rolled his eyes. He had already been spotted by his brother and that meant he likely had drawn the attention of James as well. They were lined up on the side of the auditorium with the other student staff. He saw Sirius pointing and whispering to his friends in the direction of Regulus. He could feel his checks heat up and just knew they were turning bright red. He looked down and covered his face, wishing he could physically melt into the chair.
The auditorium was packed full of people and on stage was one of the administrators of the university. He was overly cheery, and trying to get the other students hyped for college life - which was quite the challenge. Most students were tired and pissed to be dragged out of bed before 9 AM to play icebreakers and talk about student loans after lunch. “We are so excited to have you here. We know a lot of students are scared to leave home and attend university for the first time-” the speaker went on. Regulus verbally groaned and found himself wishing he just skipped the session and suffered the consequences.
“Yeah, this really sucks, huh?” He turned to his left to find a stranger sitting two seats beside him.
“Uh….yeah-” Regulus racked his brain searching for a response. He had no one here besides apparently Sirius and James. He needed his own friends. He had been alone all his life and was finally able to be himself, at a new place. To start fresh.
“That guy is so fake. Do you think they pay him enough to believe the cheery shit he's blabbing about up there?” He said with a chuckle at the end. He had one hand on his face and was leaning on the arm chair attached to the theater seat. He seemed bold and confident. He had brown hair that was sort of neatly arranged but had a strand that fell out of place on his forehead. “So what’s your name? Apparently we are supposed to be meeting people and shit” he laughed and turned around to look Regulus in the eye. He had his eyebrow cocked to one side as if to signal, go on and introduce yourself already.
“Uh- My name’s Regulus,” he blurted out.
“Huh, Regulus,” he seemed to ponder for a minute, staring off. It made Regulus nervous. “I’ve never heard that name before”. Fuck. Regulus’ mind began to race, what if he doesn’t like trans people? I know some people hate when trans people pick “unique” names. What if this guy wasn’t being nice at all and is-
He laughed a bit to himself. “I like it, it’s a cool name…hey isn’t that like the name of a star?” Regulus felt his heart jump as he sighed in relief.
“Haha, yeah, it is,” he finally said with a smile. “Um, by the way what’s your name?”
He smiled, “Barty”.
****
Finally, they were released from the forced “Welcome Week speech”. Unfortunately, it was to “get into groups” for icebreakers. “Well, come on,” Barty motioned towards him, “let’s go and play house,” he teased. One thing that Regulus had learned in the thirty minutes he had known Barty Crouch Jr. was that he was very sarcastic. He found himself laughing at the boy's joke, and although guarded, started to actually think he had potential to be friends.
Regulus had his attention on Barty and completely missed the fact that Sirius had practically sprinted over towards him. Suddenly he felt someone push their way between Barty and himself as they slung their arms over the boy's shoulders.
“What the fu-”
“What’s up Reggie?” Sirius smiled smugly at him. Regulus stood there in disbelief as he shrugged his brother’s arms off of him. He found himself angry that Sirius had the audacity to barge over there and throw his arms around him and the guy he just met as if they were all “buddy buddy”. Sirius had been absent in his life for years and practically was a ghost. He didn’t have the right to suddenly act like the past never happened, like he could fix it in a day and suddenly him, James and Sirius would be okay again and fucking sing kumbaya! Also, as if he had the right to give him a nickname? Regulus had picked the name himself, it was his, and his brother marched over here and suddenly changed it?
“Reggie?” Barty repeated, “Is that a nickname? Is this guy your friend or?”
“Fuck no!” Regulus blurted out. God this was so embarrassing. Barty shrugged Sirius’ arm off his shoulder and went around to stand next to Regulus.
“Hey,” he began. Barty wasn’t really good at situations like these. When people started crying or were upset or mad or just…emotional, he never knew what to do. And always felt like whatever he did do - was wrong. But he wanted to at least try and comfort Regulus, he seemed like a really nice guy and maybe they’d be friends. “You seem upset. Do you want to go?” Regulus looked up to see Barty. A guy he just met that already was kinder than most people Regulus had ever met in his life. and here he was - already dealing with the baggage that came along with the Black family. Fuck, I need to get my shit together. I can’t appear upset, I can’t be bothered by him, I shouldn’t care-
“Reggie- come on! Don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit? I’m your brother and I want to spend time with you-” Sirius started before he was cut off. Regulus was in his head spiraling. He had gone completely silent and his vision was getting dark. His heart raced, the room felt like it was closing in. Once his anxiety attacks started, they were hard to get control of. Shit, shit, shit!
“Hey,” Barty interrupted. Suddenly he stepped in-between Sirius and Regulus. “I don’t think he wants to see you right now”. His voice was forceful, and almost… threatening. Sirius tried to insist but Barty stood his ground.
“Regulus, this is so like you! You need to get over yourself,” the words burst out of Sirius’ mouth before he could even think about what he was saying. He stood there for a moment, with a look of regret. The words shot through Regulus and sunk into his core.
“Just go away Sirius,” Regulus’ voice above a whisper. It hung on a thread, threatening to snap at any moment.
“Regulus, I swear I didn't mean-” Barty grabbed Regulus’ arm and led him away from his brother who stood there. Alone.
Notes:
I know, I know! I feel like this chapter was mainly just setting up the story for the next "week" of events in the timeline but i promise! its worth it :)). I will release another chapter asap. Hope you like this one, we are meeting the rest of the "skittles" soon hehe!
Also I know there's a lot of angst in this fic but hey its tagged what did you expect?
Also yes there is drama between the Black Brothers. And yes, Sirius is a good person he is just frustrated because he wants to fix his and Reggie's relationship and doesn't understand how the past affected Reggie. Also Sirius has mental health issues as well - which will be explored later on.
As always let me know if I missed any TW or if I had spelling mistakes (I'm dyslexic lol) so I can fix them!
shamelesswolfstarshipper on Chapter 4 Mon 21 Oct 2024 05:57AM UTC
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thatoneweirdow on Chapter 5 Sun 11 May 2025 07:36AM UTC
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