Chapter Text
“So hey,” Hal said lightly, breaking the tense, echoing silence of the meeting room, “Supes and Bats are totally fucking, right?”
With the atmosphere in the room being what it was, Hal’s voice sounded loud even to his own ears. Diana sent him a warning look. He shrugged, unbothered. “What?”
“It is rude to speak so of people in their absence, Lantern,” she said firmly, then pressed her lips together unhappily and stood. “The meeting is adjourned, in any case. We can meet back here next week as scheduled.” She left without a backwards glance, a couple others trailing out after her.
Hal didn’t really get why she was so upset, honestly. Superman and Batman had some big, blowout fight about something or other at least once a month, and pretty often that fight would be on the Watchtower over a mission or something. And they were real intense about it too, getting all up in each other’s faces with lots of snarled insults (Bats) and passive-aggressive disapproval (Supes). And then they’d storm off, and presumably fuck each other’s brains out about it, and they’d be back to being the bestest of buddies by the time the next League meeting rolled around.
It was normal. Well, not normal – god knows anything involving the League was rarely, actually normal – but it was normal for them. Mostly, Hal thought it was funny to watch them play the same old game over and over again; and sure, also a little hot watching two huge, tough, insanely attractive guys getting steamed at each other. Like how pro-wrestling always looked a little horny when the wrestlers were good-looking. That was just an objectively true fact. Hal didn’t make the rules, okay?
Point being, it wasn’t that big a deal, even though for some reason everyone was acting like it was. Hal was just trying to lighten the mood! Was that such a crime?
Apparently yes, because as soon as Diana was gone, Barry shot him a look of exasperated disapproval. “You know, you really have to stop just voicing every intrusive thought that comes into your head,” he told Hal.
“It’s not an intrusive thought! We were all thinking it.”
“No-one else was thinking it,” Barry said flatly.
“Yeah they were—”
“No-one else was thinking it,” J’onn chimed in in his soft, low voice.
Hal’s mouth twisted. “Huh. Yeah, I guess I don’t have a good rebuttal for that, if the local telepath says so. Well-played, man.” J’onn offered him a polite nod and drifted out of his chair and through the wall.
Weird guy.
“So okay,” Hal said, “apparently it really was just me thinking it, which is crazy. Does no-one else see the sexual tension there?”
Barry was looking at him now with that pinched expression he wore when he was trying to figure something out. “Dude. What sexual tension,” he said, which was insane because seriously? Was he blind? The guy was literally a scientist; Hal was pretty sure they were supposed to be smart.
Just then, Ollie poked his head in the door, Dinah hovering behind him. “Hey guys, do you know what’s up with Superman and Batman? We just saw them lock themselves in a meeting room. All tense, like they were about to beat each other to a pulp.”
“Or fuck,” Dinah said.
“See?!” Hal cried, gesturing enthusiastically at her. “It’s not just me thinking it! There’s totally something there, right?”
Ollie and Barry both turned to look at her. She shrugged. “I mean, I was kinda joking but…yeah. You guys don’t see it?”
“I could kiss you,” Hal said. “Have I ever told you you’re my favorite?”
“Stop trying to hit on my wife, Jordan,” Ollie said, which was stupid. Hal hadn’t been trying to do that because first off, he wasn’t an asshole, and second off, it was Dinah and that would be weird as hell. And third off, if he had been flirting with Dinah, she’d be totally into it already and clearly she wasn’t. So that was pretty much that.
Instead, she rolled her eyes and perched casually on the meeting table. “So what is up with them? They having another fight or something?”
“A ‘strategic disagreement’, Batman would probably say,” Barry said. “But yeah. A big one, about plans for the upcoming mission. Superman was doing the whole paternalistic disapproval thing where he was really mad but trying not to be. And Batman was being all snarly and growly and throwing insults at him. It was, uh. A little more vicious than normal, maybe.”
“Yeah,” Hal agreed. “And they kind of looked like they wanted to kiss the whole time.”
Barry turned to him, mouth agape. “Dude.”
“What! I just say it like I see it! Is that so wrong?”
“You keep bringing it up! Why are you so obsessed with this?”
“I’m not obsessed,” he corrected with a frown. “Like sure, it’d be hot and all—” at this Barry made a face of mild revulsion “—but it’s not about what I want. I just don’t get how you don’t see it.” He looked consideringly between Ollie and Barry. “Maybe it’s a straight-guys-being-oblivious-thing? Dinah gets it.”
Barry, for reasons Hal couldn’t parse, looked deeply offended by this. Dinah just shrugged. “I mean, I guess. Although maybe I’m biased? Bruce’s yelling-at-Superman voice sounds a lot like his sex voice.”
“Oh my god,” said Hal, delighted, just as Barry said the same thing with a tinge of horror. Which Hal didn’t get at all; this was fucking gold.
“I keep forgetting you actually slept with Spooky,” Hal went on, leaning forward conspiratorially. “What was it like? Let me guess: weird and intense, like everything else he does? Ooh! Did he try to suck your blood at any point, or is that something he saves for the fainting damsels he takes to his castle?”
She smiled. “Sorry, Hal. I can’t tell you or Ollie will get weird about it.”
“It’s fine, pretty bird,” said Ollie, “tell them whatever you like! As long as you also tell me later. Privately.” He waggled his eyebrows at her.
She jerked a thumb towards him. “See? Weird.”
“Aw, c’mon, Dinah! Look I’ll give you my number so you can just text it to me later. Ollie doesn’t have to know.”
“I definitely have to know,” Ollie corrected, eyebrows still waggling.
At that, Barry, who’d been looking increasingly uncomfortable throughout the whole conversation, finally snapped. “Ugh. What are we even talking about right now? Can we just move on, please?”
“Oh shit, Bar,” Hal said, “I’m sorry. I keep forgetting you’re a prude.”
“Jesus, Hal— It’s not prudish to not want to talk about our coworkers’ sex lives! Coworkers I respect. If anything, you guys are way too comfortable with it.”
Hal leaned back in his chair and shrugged. “I mean at this point, it’s not about the sex stuff for me so much as it’s a point of pride. They’re just so obviously horny for each other. I feel like everyone except Dinah is gaslighting me.”
“We’ve been over this, Hal,” Barry said tiredly. “People disagreeing with you isn’t gaslighting.”
“Whatever. Point is, I can’t move on with my life until I know for sure if I’m right or not.”
“You could, though, is the thing,” Barry said, now with an edge of desperation. “You could definitely move on. You could move on so easily.”
Ollie was watching this exchange with amusement. “So what, you wanna bet on it or something? Because I’d take those odds in a heartbeat.”
Hal snapped his fingers and threw him a triumphant grin. “Now you mention it? Yeah. A bet sounds like a great idea. You always have such great ideas. Have I ever told you you’re my favorite?”
Ollie grinned back. “Not often enough, I think.”
Dinah looked between them, frowning. “And how the hell are you ever gonna settle this either way? You’re gonna sneak up on Superman and Batman and catch them in the act? You?”
“What are you doubting me for?” Hal said, rising to his feet. “I’m Hal motherfucking Jordan, Green Lantern Extraordinaire. I’ll figure something out.” He held out his hand. “You’re on, Ollie. Fifty bucks says they’re doing the nasty on the reg.”
“Fifty?! That’s chump change. How about 500?”
Hal, who had $150 in his bank account last he checked, shrugged. “You can pay me that if I win, if that’s more interesting for you. But I’m still only paying you fifty if you win. We can’t all be billionaires.”
“Fine! Fifty,” Ollie said and clasped his hand in a firm handshake. “Actually, you know what? If it turns out they’re making out right now, I’ll actually give you that full 500 for free. How’s that?”
“This is so deeply inappropriate,” Barry muttered.
Hal ignored him. “Deal,” he said. Man, he was really gonna enjoy being 500 bucks richer.
Barry sighed. “Great. Well, if either of them ask, I was never here.”
“They’ll never believe you,” Dinah said.
Barry sighed again, longer and deeper this time. “Yeah. Yeah. I know.”
Hal spent about 2 minutes figuring out all the ways he could plausibly do this – tiny camera drone constructs, or an x-ray-vision device, or maybe making something that could hack into the Watchtower surveillance – before he decided to say fuck it, and just turn invisible and hover outside the window. Batman wasn’t gonna be able to hear him from outside the Watchtower after all, and although Superman somehow could hear through the vacuum of space even without a power ring…
Well. If it were Hal sucking face with Bruce goddamn Wayne, he was pretty sure he’d be too distracted to listen out for near silent eavesdroppers. Hal was willing to take his chances that even Superman was enough of a red-blooded man to work the same way.
He asked an amused Dinah and a gleeful Ollie where they’d seen the two disappear off to, then headed straight for the airlock. But the closer he got, the more he started to feel…well, not apprehensive exactly, but…maybe a little weird about the whole thing? Not about the bet, that was totally solid, but about spying on them like this. He’d kind of assumed they wouldn’t get up to anything too crazy in a public room on the Watchtower, but what if they were actually fucking or something and Hal saw them? A kiss was one thing, but Bats could totally be sucking Big Blue off in there, and they probably didn’t want anyone seeing that. And he didn’t want to spy on them like that either. Hal was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a pervert.
Although it would kind of be their fault for doing that shit on a satellite full of their coworkers. Hal probably didn’t need to feel too bad about it.
Still, no matter how Hal felt about things, there was a very real chance that Spooky would try to disappear him if he saw something he shouldn’t. Hal would prefer not to have to deal with that, thanks.
He drifted cautiously closer. The light from the sun glinted off the windows harshly enough that they turned opaque, but just a little further and…yeah, that was it. Fuck yeah, the blinds weren’t even drawn so he had a clear view: that was definitely them alright, alone in the room, sitting really fucking close for two “platonic” best friends – ha, Hal was totally winning this bet—
Oh.
Oh. Shit, that was…that was not what he’d expected to see.
Hal had definitely been right: they were fucking on the reg. But there was nothing sexual about what they were doing now. They’d pulled a couple of the meeting room chairs together. Bats was sitting on the right, more relaxed than Hal had ever seen him: cowl off, in a comfortable slouch rather than his usual ramrod-straight posture, eyes flickering lazily over a datapad; Supes was on his left, curled around him as best he could with two armrests in the way, an arm flung around Bats’ waist and his head pressed to his chest, eyes closed. Listening to his heartbeat, it looked like, even though he could probably hear that shit from across a city.
Apparently, Hal had been right about him being too distracted to listen out for eavesdroppers. He was really on a roll today, huh?
It couldn’t have been all that comfortable, sitting like that, but on them it looked…easy. Familiar. Domestic. Like they’d done this, or something like it, a thousand times. Hal watched Supes’ lips move, murmuring something too quiet for Hal to hear. Whatever it was, it was apparently the joke of the century, because Bats let out an honest to god chuckle then moved his free hand up to Superman’s hair to rub gentle circles into his scalp. Big Blue practically melted against him, more overgrown puppy than godlike superpowered alien, and Bats finally looked up from his screen, and—man, even though Hal was hardly an expert on the series of mildly constipated expressions Bats normally used to emote, even he could tell that look on his face was—
Hal’s heart sank. Crap. They weren’t just fucking. They were in love.
Hovering outside the window watching a clearly happy couple act romantic with each other, Hal suddenly felt like absolute shit. It almost felt unfair, even. Bats was an asshole, sure, but he was crazy rich, crazy smart, crazy gorgeous, and mostly had his shit together. Meanwhile Big Blue was…well, pretty much perfect in every way, honestly. A real stand-up guy, on top of being the kind of walking wet dream you could actually take home to your parents. And on top of all that they already had going for them on their own, they also had each other? Like damn, universe, leave some good fortune for the rest of the schmucks out there.
When was the last time someone had looked at Hal like that? It was probably Carol, wasn’t it, before the last time they’d broken up. That was— Shit, that was years ago now.
This was no fucking fun at all.
With a sudden, all-encompassing intensity, Hal really, really didn’t want to be seeing this anymore. They hadn’t noticed him yet. Maybe he could just…drift away, get blackout drunk and pretend he never saw that? Yeah. Yeah, that sounded like a great plan.
Unfortunately for him, that feeling must have been somehow audible enough for a Kryptonian to hear. Because just then, Superman’s head snapped up. And then he was staring right at Hal.
Shit.
“Hey, so. My bad, big guy,” Hal whispered. “Uh. Fuck. I’ll just—”
“Hal.”
“Jesus fuck!”
The voice came from directly behind him. When he whirled around, heart slamming into his ribcage—yup, that was Supes alright. Arms folded forbiddingly across his broad chest, looking stern and disappointed and faintly furious.
Hal dropped the invisibility; there didn’t seem much point to it now. “Man, did you have to sneak up on me like that? You nearly gave me a damn heart attack.”
Superman was unmoved. “Hal. Bruce and I would like a word with you inside. Now.”
He sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Fine. Let’s go.” There went his plans of quietly moving on with his life. But hey, he could admit he’d sort of made his bed in this case. He could man up and lie in it.
And besides, depending on how this went down, he could probably still do the whole drink-to-forget thing later.
It was admittedly a pretty intimidating sight, seeing two of Earth’s mightiest heroes glaring down at him with matching expressions of barely leashed menace. They stood in front of him, arms folded in a way that would have felt like two parents telling off their wayward teenager, if Hal and the world at large didn’t know that these guys in particular could beat all-powerful alien overlords into the ground and barely break a sweat. With that context, and the deeply displeased looks on both their faces, the average person would absolutely be shitting themselves.
Luckily, as he’d explained to Dinah earlier, he was Hal motherfucking Jordan, and had beaten up his fair share of all-powerful alien overlords too, thanks, and he refused to let anyone think they could intimidate him. Especially not a guy who needed at least three coffees in the morning to function and a guy who thought plaid shirts and loafers were the height of fashion. It just wasn’t happening.
So he leaned back in his chair and met their stare with a raised eyebrow. “You guys gonna say something at any point, or are you just gonna stare at me?”
“You were spying on us,” Bats said in that rough, low growl of his. He didn’t sound happy.
Well, there didn’t seem much point in denying it at this point, huh? “Yeah,” he said.
“Why.”
“Is that really important?” Hal shrugged. “Curiosity, mostly. I sensed a little sexual tension earlier in that meeting, while you two were going at it.” The word choice made Batman’s eyebrow twitch gratifyingly. “I thought maybe you’d come in here to continue what you started, so I decided to check. That’s all.”
Superman went from looking mostly dismayed to a little flustered. “So you wanted to catch us—what? Having sex? This is the Watchtower, we wouldn’t— Why would you think we’d even do that here?”
Hal felt his eyebrows raise. “What, you mean you haven’t? Ever?” Superman didn’t say anything to that, which to Hal was pretty much as good as an admission. “Heh, thought so. I always knew you were less of a boy scout than you let on.”
Superman looked like he wanted to respond to that, but Batman cut him off. “Clark, focus. Hal’s concerning attempts at voyeurism aside—”
“Hey!” Hal objected. “I wasn’t out there trying to jerk off or anything, don’t make it weird—”
“Putting that aside,” Bats continued firmly. “We need to deal with the real issue here.”
He turned his ice-blue gaze on Superman. He met it immediately, as if by instinct. They did that kind of thing a lot, silently communicating with each other with just a look or a subtle gesture, like they had some kind of freaky, psychic bond. Just like now, where the meaningful glances exchanged above Hal’s head seemed like a whole conversation he couldn’t hear.
…Looking back, Hal probably should have figured they were dating a while ago, huh?
After a long few seconds, they seemed to come to an agreement. Superman turned back to address him, stoic and serious: “Hal, we need to know you’re not going to spread this around.”
Hal raised an eyebrow. “Or what? You’re gonna blackmail me? Kick me out of the League? Put my feet in a bucket of cement and drop me into the Atlantic?”
A muscle flexed in Batman’s jaw, the way it always did when he was pissy. “Obviously not.”
“Good,” he said, flashing the ring alongside his signature grin. “Because I’m not feeling super threatened.”
That muscle flexed again and Batman’s hands clenched to fists. Okay, so he was really pissed, huh? “Christ, Jordan, this isn’t the time for your pointless posturing,” he snarled. “Can you take this seriously, for once in your life—”
“Bruce,” Superman said softly, laying a hand on his shoulder. “It’s gonna be fine, okay? It’s Hal.”
Hal didn’t actually know what he meant by that. For a brief second, he decided it was probably some kind of dig and got ready to be righteously indignant. But then Bats just kind of…softened. There wasn’t really another word for it, all that sneering tension seeping out of him in an instant. Bats reached up to squeeze the hand on his shoulder, grateful and reassuring, and it all felt so easily intimate that whatever words were about to come out caught in Hal’s throat.
Hal swallowed. Geez, what was wrong with him? He wasn’t normally like this around Ollie and Dinah, and god knows they weren’t shy about PDA. And this was barely even that. What about it was weirding him out so much? Just because it was them?
Superman smiled at him, all benevolence and understanding but for the tension around his eyes. “Look, there’s a reason we’ve been keeping our relationship private. We agreed when this started that dating openly would be too complicated and too much risk for our secret identities. And unfortunately, that includes the Justice League. You know how gossip spreads among the superhero community.”
Hal let out a snort. Boy did he. When Carol had dumped him for good, he’d gotten a commiseration text from Swamp Thing. Fucking Swamp Thing.
“And I don’t want what we do in our private time encroaching on what we do here,” he went on. “We have a leadership position in the League, together with Diana. The two of us being in a relationship could…complicate things.”
“You don’t want that, huh, big guy?” Hal said. “That not a concern your boyfriend shares?”
Batman’s expression remained blank. Superman’s eyes flickered to him, then hardened. “That’s not important right now,” he said firmly.
“Clark is right,” Batman said. “Hal, we need explicit verbal confirmation. Will you agree to keep this a secret, or are we going to have a problem?”
Hal shrugged. “Yeah, sure.”
Both of them paused.
“Really,” Batman said, with an edge of suspicion. “Just like that.”
Hal bristled. “Yeah, just like that. Why are you acting so surprised? I’m in this game too, I know the drill. I can keep a secret.”
“You wear a flight suit with your name on it under your Lantern uniform.”
“And yet somehow, the general public hasn’t worked it out yet. Go figure.” He felt his lips pull into a sneer. “Look, what do you want from me? I said I won’t blab and I won’t. Am I supposed to sign a pact in blood or something?”
“Shockingly, I wasn’t actually going to suggest that,” Batman said dryly. “But it would certainly be more comforting than just taking it on faith.”
Hal gritted his teeth. “Oh, right. So you don’t trust me, is that it?”
“Bruce,” Superman said, frowning.
Bats just shook his head. “It’s nothing personal. Trust is a poor basis for most agreements.”
“So that’s a no, I don’t trust you then? Un-fucking-believable. How many times have I pulled your ass out of the fire by now, Spooky—”
“Fewer times than I’ve done the same for you—”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Superman cut in, face like gentle thunder. “Bruce, we’re asking him a favor here. Antagonizing him is counterproductive.” Bats just grunted and looked away. “And Hal, you have to understand this is difficult for us, for both of us. We’ve kept this hidden for a long time, from almost everyone in our lives, and you’re the first person to find out like this. I hope you can appreciate the gravity of that.”
Hal scrubbed a hand through his hair, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “Yeah, I… Look, I do get it, okay? I’m not gonna blab, because no matter what either of you think, I’m not that big of an asshole. I don’t go around fucking up other people’s relationships for fun, you know.”
“We know, Hal,” Superman said, reassuringly. Batman was annoyingly silent.
“Cool. Are we done here?”
“We’re done,” Bats said.
Thank god. Hal was feeling shittier and antsier the longer he sat here with these guys.
He stood and clapped his hands once, dramatically. “Great! Well then, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go tell Ollie he can keep his 500 bucks. I hope you two appreciate everything I’m doing for you.”
He didn’t wait for them to respond before whisking out of the room, trying to make it not look like he was running away, because he absolutely wasn’t but man did he not wanna be there anymore. As a matter of fact, he could definitely use that drink after all.
Maybe Ollie could be persuaded into celebrating his victory by buying Hal a beer or five at his favorite bar. It felt like a safe bet, at least.