Chapter Text
You’re not sure what to think of Loop.
They started traveling with your group upon Odile’s insistence. You were nervous at first- It’s a new person(?) after all- but they helped you find Odile when she was having her breakdown and ran off on her own, so you figured letting them join would be alright. Plus, you could see how attached she was to them, the quiet familiarity with how they stood and talked to each other. None of you could possibly understand what she went through, so maybe, having someone who went though it with her would be good.
So far, you’ve come to two rather obvious conclusions during your time around them.
1) They’re… a star.
That part’s the most clear, you think. But sometimes, every now and then, you catch a glimpse of what looks to be a head under all that light. You shouldn’t be surprised about it, really, given how the others have seen their so-called “humanish form,” and that in itself implies that they’re at least somewhat human. It’s not something you’ve seen yourself, only heard second hand accounts from the others. Odile mentioned they have a full human form they’re only comfortable showing her. You understand. Getting close to so many new people is scary.
Which brings you to:
2) You don’t think they like you that much.
And well, you don’t know how to feel about them either?
You have no reason to dislike them. They were there for Odile, helping her when the rest of you were oblivious. And you know she said that it wasn’t any of your faults for not noticing, that you even figured it out a few times, but you still feel like you should have known, that you should’ve tried harder to help. Though, that’s a separate issue.
What’s important is that they helped her, and then helped you save her, so you’ll always be grateful to them. You, like the others, have tried to welcome them to the group with open arms. They’re a bit standoffish, like a stray cat, and a little shy with everyone else, but seem to enjoy their company.
You though…
They try to avoid you as much as possible, and whenever they’re forced to be around you, they seem uncomfortable. You find them glaring at you more often than not. You’d understand it if it was the same with the others- You know talking to other people is hard, especially to so many at once- but they don’t have the same bitterness in their voice when they speak to Mira, or Bonnie, or even Isabeau.
You hope you didn’t do anything to upset them. You know you can come off as uncaring sometimes, even if you don’t mean to, so you hope you didn’t accidentally insult them. Odile likes them a lot, and you don’t want her to hate you too.
You’ll find a way to make it up to them. Whatever you did.
Maybe you can carve them a figure. Then they both can match!
Yeah!
~
Helping Odile with everything might be a bit harder than you all thought.
You have a number now.
123.
That’s definitely a lot more than any of you imagined.
It’s terrifying. It’s upsetting. It’s so long.
She went through all of it for so long. It haunts her, that’s as clear as day. You can see the tired look in her eyes sometimes, the relieved sigh when something new happens, the way she tenses up when something must feel too familiar. She’s not the same person she was two weeks ago. She’s Changed, and you’re not quite how to help.
She gets nightmares too. Loop does as well. Just another thing they have in common now. They’ve been sharing her tent to help each other. That doesn’t mean it always works though…
You’re sitting outside of your tent tonight. Put on the first shift of watch duty. Just because the time curse is over doesn’t mean the sadnesses have gone away. And there’s always a chance for thieves, so you all agreed to keep up the routine. Not that you mind. You always liked taking the time to stargaze. And you were useful doing it! It’s a win-win!
Muffled voices catch your attention suddenly. You look around to find them coming from Odile’s tent. You hear a bit more shuffling coming from inside, before she stumbles out of it in a panic. She frantically looks around, breathing ragged, searching for something desperately, until her eyes land on you. Her feet practically trip over each other and she falls to her knees in front of you, hands clutching her shirt.
“Siffrin!” she gasps out.
“Odile, what’s wrong,” your hand reaches out to her, but you pull it back. She’s never been one for touch, and it’d only make things worse now.
“Siffrin, Siffrin Siffrin,” she repeats your name raggedly, as if it’s the only thing she can say, “I-I need- the King- I thought you were- I-I thought-”
She’s breathing fast. Whatever nightmare she had, it must have involved you.
“Hey, I’m okay, see?” you give your most reassuring smile, “I’m fine!”
“No, no no no you’re not- that’s what you said before but you’re not-” her breathing picks up, “You’re not you’re not-”
“But I am!” you try again., a little more desperate
“No,” she gasps, grip tightening on her shirt,
“Odile,” You call out, but she only seems to grow more panicked. You need to calm her down. “Breathe with me?”
You offer your hand, she stills.
“Just in and out. In… and out…” You demonstrate, trying to prompt her to follow, but when you look at her, she’s frozen.
“No nonononono-” her breathing only seems to pick up. You watch, like a blinding idiot. That didn’t go how you planned. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to help. You try calling her name again, but she doesn’t hear it. You hear shuffling coming from her tent again.
“Odile!” Loop calls worriedly, rushing out to meet her. They barely spare a glance at you, “Traveler, move!”
They shoo you away with impatience. You comply without complaint, staring blankly as they take the spot you were just in, kneeled right in front of her. They place their hands on her shoulders carefully. She flinches at first, but relaxes slightly after seeing the bright light of their face.
“You’re here,” they reassure her, “You’re here, Odile. You’re not there anymore. You’re not in the loops.”
You just stand there.
“Your traveler, Siffrin, is alive and well,” they rest their head against her forehead, making her eyes focus on their glow, “They’re alive, and you’re alive. And you and your family are on our way to Bambouche.”
You just stand there.
“Just breathe, okay?” they take an exaggerated breath, prompting her to follow.
She follows their lead after a few seconds, taking in a shaky breath. They slowly bring her into a hug, wrapping their arms around her. She holds onto them like a lifeline, her body still trembling as her pace begins to slow. They comfort her, and you hate how you don’t know what to do.
Eventually, after a few minutes, she stops shaking, and her breathing has returned back to normal. They don’t part from the hug until she does. She looks at them with tired gratitude and thanks them with a small smile.
“Thank you, Loop,” she breathes out, “I… I think I’m going to… take a walk.”
“Take your time,” they respond, “You have so much of it now!”
She huffs a laugh, before standing up. She glances towards where you stand, unmoving.
“Apologies, S-Siffrin,” she gives a small bow to you and parts ways into the woods. You watch as she leaves, eye unable to focus on anything else.
“A word of advice, traveler,” Loop calls your attention in a passive aggressive tone, the one that’s way too cheery, “If your ally gets too stuck in her head, touching her may help bring her out of it. A bit of physical contact can go a long way!”
…Ally?
“She’s not the same person she was before, you know,” they narrow their eyes pointedly, “Or did you forget?”
You’re as good as frozen. Loop leaves soon after, following after Odile, and you haven’t moved at all.
You didn’t help at all.
In fact, you made everything worse.
Loop had to fix everything. Had to pick up the extra pieces you broke. The pieces that didn’t need to break, but had shattered because of your carelessness. You feel a pit in your stomach, like a pair of teeth gnawing at your insides.
You didn’t do anything.
She was hurt and you made it worse! You made her think she was back there again! Of course she would find the action too familiar! You do it all the time! How many times has she heard you comforting yourself, comforting the others, with that technique! Maybe even her! Of course she’d find it too familiar of course it’d remind her of that of course of course!!
You’re a terrible friend.
Are you even friends? Loop said ‘ally.’ They obviously know her better than everyone else now. Better than you clearly.
No wonder she lets Loop touch her.
...
You need to be better.
You’ll make it up to her.
~
She dragged you to her tent for the rest of the night, which meant you had to wake up Mira earlier than you planned. If you had just calmed her down correctly, you wouldn’t be bothering her in the first place. Or Loop either. They didn’t seem too happy about you. You feel awful.
You find out what her nightmare was about the morning after. She tried to reason with the King once, and it ended with him trying to teach her a lesson by killing you in front of her. It’s terrible, horrible even, and it makes you hate the King just a little bit more for doing that to her.
Apparently, you had tried to calm everyone down. Clutched in the hand of the King, and the only thing you could think of was to ask her to breathe? To reassure her that everything was going to be fine when it clearly wasn’t? You didn’t even try to escape?
How stupid are you?
At least it was you and not anyone else. You don’t know what you’d do in her shoes. Horrible things, probably.
You don’t wish that upon anybody.
~
Your group makes a lot of progress throughout the rest of the day, to the point where you’re almost at the next town. Currently, you’ve stopped to set up camp on the far outskirts. Your friends(?) are chatting by the fire as you quietly work on a figure of Loop.
You know it won’t make up for last night, and they probably dislike you even more now, but you hope it could be the first step to apologizing! Besides, it might help to take your mind off things.
You just have to hope that it comes out good. You squint your eye in an attempt to focus. You don’t even notice that the air suddenly smells sweet.
“Oh Change, the fire’s starting to go out,” Mira worries, “Loop, do you think you can get some more firewood?”
“What? Me? Is being a lantern all I’m worth to you?” they put a hand to their chest.
“Ah! I’m sorry! Was that insensitive? I didn’t mean to I’m sorry!!” she frets.
“Relax Housemaiden, I’m only teasing you,” they stand up and stretch, “A walk sounds like it would be nice, don’t you…”
They trail off. You’re too focused on the carving to truly notice.
“Traveler!”
You jump and look up. They’re standing above you (When did they get there???).
“Oh, s-sorry?” you stutter.
“You should be!” they say cheerfully, “Come with me! We’re collecting firewood together! Isn’t that fun?”
“Oh uh, okay,” you pocket the figure and quickly stand up. They’ve already begun walking into the woods and you fall into a small jog to catch up.
Everything around you is dark and you find yourself glad to have a living nightlight walking next to you.
“What are we looking for?” you ask nervously.
“Firewood,” they respond, “Try to keep up Traveler.”
They walk a bit faster, as if they’re trying to get away from you. You match their pace behind them, refusing to let them get lost even if you might annoy them. They stop suddenly and you run into their back, causing them to scoff in annoyance. You try to apologize, but they hand you a stick to shut you up. You guess you’re on carrier duty then.
You fall into a weird truce for the time being. They look for sticks or pieces of wood on the ground and they give them to you to hold. You’ve gotten quite the bundle, surely enough for the fire. But there’s something weighing on your mind, something you want to ask.
“Um, Loop?” You call hesitantly, “Can I ask you a question?”
“You just did,” they inspect another branch.
“Another one then?” You clarify.
“Sure,” they sigh. You breathe in, prepping yourself.
“Have I done something wrong? To you?” you start, “Because if I have, I’m sorry.”
…
They’re quiet for a moment.
“Loop?”
“Let me ask you a question before I answer, hm?” they glow brighter, harsher.
You squint your eye at the light, but nod anyway.
“How do you think Odile got stuck in that timeloop?” they ask.
“She made a wish, didn’t she?” You answer, confused, “She wanted to stay with us, so she made a wish at the Favor Tree and it backfired.”
“And how do you think she made that wish?” they prod further.
“What do you mean?” You’re even more confused now.
“How could someone with no experience in Wishcraft, who didn’t even know it existed, perform the correct ritual to get stuck in the first place?” they ponder sarcastically, “Unless…”
“Unless?”
“Unless someone taught her,” their eyes focus directly on you. You struggle not to shrink away from their gaze.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never noticed it before,” they roll their eyes, “The random smell of sugar? The mumbling? I didn’t bring you out here to bond. I just needed to stop that smell from growing. Otherwise she’d panic and think she was back there. And honestly, the smell is just awful in general.”
“The mumbling?”
“Is a ritual for Wishcraft. Haven’t you noticed your carvings always look better when you do it?”
“I didn't know I did it at all. I didn’t notice I was doing it,” you duck your head down.
“Of course you didn’t. You never notice anything,” they bite and you recoil in shame, “It’s a part of you that never really went away. It’s engraved in you, something you know by heart. Makes sense, if you think about it. That place must’ve been known for it, and what a shame it would be if its survivors forgot it entirely.”
They’re mocking you. You don’t fully know what they mean by “that place,” but you know that they’re mocking you. You feel a pit in your stomach.
“Isn’t it nice? To have something you should be proud of cause so much pain to someone you love?” they go for the throat. They want to hurt you. They hate you. You know this now. They glare daggers at you.
“You taught her the ritual the first time round. You’re the reason she’s like this. Why all of this happened in the first place. That’s not something a carving can fix.”
They pass by you on the way back to camp and you’re left frozen again. You… You know Wishcraft. Somehow, some way, you know Wishcraft. And you taught it to Odile. And she made a wish.
It’s your fault. It’s your fault she went through the most traumatic experience in her life. It’s your fault she’s like this it’s your fault she changed it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault.
It’s your fault.
You’re the reason for everything. You hurt her. You claim to care about her but you hurt her.
No wonder Loop hates you. No wonder Odile doesn’t feel safe around you. You hurt her. You trapped her, you almost killed her. If you hadn’t been fast enough to reach her, her blood would’ve been on your hands! Her blood is on your hands!!! All the past deaths and injuries and every single failure in those blinding loops is your fault!!!!!
Why does she even want you here? After everything you’ve done to her, you don’t deserve her forgiveness. You’re a terrible person, and an even worse friend.
If you can even be called that anymore.
~
Travel continues like normal and you make it to the next town by nightfall. Since you still have plenty of money from your reward, you each pair up and buy three rooms with one bed. You’ve all unanimously decided that you’re going to take the next day off to relax and sightsee, much to Bonnie’s impatience.
You sneak a glance at Loop as you walk up the inn’s stairs. They’re in their human form, but you can’t see what they look like. The lower half of their face is covered with a scarf and the hat they wear is a replica of yours. Both made by Isa to help them blend in while keeping their privacy. They meet your eye and glare unimpressed at you violating their wishes. You look away.
The rest of the night goes by in a blur. You can’t focus on anything, not really. Not when last night’s events play through in your mind, over and over and over, as if to make sure you don’t forget what you did. You feel awful, you can’t even look Odile in the eyes. Not even Bonnie’s food is making you feel better right now.
“Siffrin?” Odile drags you out of your thoughts. You look beside you, eye refusing to make contact. If you look at her face instead of her eyes, it still looks like eye contact, right? “Are you okay?”
Why is she asking you that? You’re supposed to ask her! You quickly put on your best reassuring smile.
“Yeah! I’m fi- okay. I’m okay,” you change your wording at the last second, hoping not to trigger another flashback. She seems to notice and studies you further, analyzing you under her gaze.
“Okay, if you’re sure,” she relents and goes back to eating. Though, not without watching you out of the corner of her eye. You try to focus on your own food. It’s hard to focus on the taste.
It’s best not to worry her. She’s already got enough on her plate. There’s no need for you to add to that.
You don’t have the right to feel bad.
~
You were all hesitant to leave Odile alone. None of you wanted to leave her side for the first few weeks. But you guess all of your doting was getting on her nerves, as she gently requested you all tone it down a bit. You’re not sure what she’s going to do today, or if she wants to do it on her own.
Everyone else is busy and you don’t have any plans either. You were hoping to continue your carving from the other day, but Loop might find it weird. In fact, they might be insulted that you think a carving’s going to do anything. You can’t fix what you’ve done with something so meaningless.
Nevertheless, it stays in your pocket.
Carving might cause you to use Wishcraft, but you don’t know what else to do. What did you normally do when you were traveling alone? You try to remember, but can’t think of anything else but napping and stargazing, and those aren’t really hobbies. You sigh, catching the attention of Odile on the other side of the inn’s common area
Loop said you knew Wishcraft. That it’s ingrained into your very well-being. That you know it by heart and are one of the surviving members from “that place.” What other things do you do that are rituals? If the mumbling habit you had was a ritual, one that was strong enough to have that smell, what other things have that same power?
How many other ways can you hurt your friends? What other things can you accidentally teach them? What other ways can you trap them, get them killed, relive the same moments over and over and over and-
“Siffrin?” Odile’s voice calls calmly.
“Y-yeah?” you’re startled out of your thoughts.
“Aren’t you doing anything today?” she asks.
Oh…
She…. wants to get rid of you…
That’s fine! It makes sense even! She wants a peaceful day reading her book without the person who trapped her in a never-ending timeloop looming over her shoulder! Why would she want you here?
“Ah! I-I guess I forgot!” you try to laugh it off, “I’ll get out of your hair, don’t worry!”
“Oh, I was hoping you and I could do something together, but if you’re busy-”
“Oh! No no! I could totally-” You stammer, trying to calm yourself, “I can do it later?”
“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to get in the way of your plans,” she watches you with concern.
“No, I want to,” you promise selfishly. You’re using her. You don’t want to be alone today, even though you know you deserve to. Everyone would be safer without you there to do some blinding ritual. She would be safer.
“If you’re sure,” she responds and closes her book.
It’s too late to go back now.
~
The two of you end up in an antique bookstore, similar to the secret quests you’d go on prior to Dormont. Normally, it would be relaxing, but this time, you can’t help but be hyper aware of everything you’re doing. Any action, any thought or unknown habit you have, could be a Wishcraft ritual and you wouldn’t even know it. It’s exhausting.
You try to keep your hands to yourself and stay quiet, hoping if you don’t do anything, then you can’t unearth any world-ending rituals. And even if you do, Odile might not get caught in it this time. So long as you keep your distance, at least. It’s the perfect plan!
Or it would be, if she didn’t keep trying to talk to you.
She’s looking for something called a “familytale” you think, from what you overheard her tell the shopkeep. When you asked, she said it was a piece of Vaugardian culture. One of the few traditions most Vaugardian families keep constant. Apparently, she had found one during the loops, but the memory of it was… tainted. So she wants to build a positive association with the concept by finding a different one. You can’t help the guilt that eats you.
You don’t know what it looks like, but you’re browsing the shelves yourself. You find a random one about stars. Huh, weird. You didn’t think Vaugarde cared about that topic. Even that one room in the House was said to be empty. The last time you read a book about stars was when-
…
Wait, what were you doing? You look at the book you’re apparently holding and wince at the title. Stars, your head hurts. But- you were looking at something important, weren’t you?
You try and try but you only grow more frustrated. Tears prick at your eyes from the pain.
“Can you read it?” Odile’s voice asks behind you.
“Does it matter?” you respond, and look at the book again. This was… something important, wasn’t it? Something about…
Your head hurts again.
“Do you have any traditions where you’re from,” Odile asks after a moment, watching you idiotically hurting your head over and over again. Probably to distract yourself. You thought she was the one that needed help, not you. Pathetic.
“...” you force yourself to look away, “I don’t know… I don’t remember any.”
You remember, on the day she went to the House alone, she had come to speak with you. She tried to have a similar conversation, about where you’re from.
“If you don’t have a home to go back to, what kind of a person does that make you?”
She had said.
“If you have forgotten something as important as your country, your childhood, your family, your own name, then are you even a person?”
You know she’s apologized for it, multiple times in fact, but you can’t shake off the idea that she’s right. You can’t remember anything. None of your traditions, nothing of what culture you grew up with, not a single piece of information. You can barely remember your own name, let alone any of the blinding rituals that make you dangerous to be around.
She shouldn’t even be with you right now. She shouldn’t even be talking to you. You shift away from her, shuffling two steps further, and glare at the book in your hands. You shut your mouth and refuse to answer any other questions she asks. If you don’t speak, you can’t utter another wish. You can keep her safe for now.
She looks at you with sadness you don’t deserve, and you feel awful for making her feel worse. You don’t have the right to feel bad. You can’t even keep your friend from worrying. How selfish are you?
Eventually, she stops trying. You hate how that makes your heart feel too.
She doesn’t find another familytale. Yet another memory that remains ruined.
Because of you.
~
You can tell she’s watching you over the next few days. You don’t know why- maybe it gives her something to do- but you do know that you don’t deserve it. You’re not the one that’s traumatized. You’re not the one that’s recovering. You’re fine! Completely fine! You should be the last person she worries about!
Luckily, you’re up in the front with Mirabelle, like usual. So she hardly gets the chance to see your face. She’s all the way in the back with Loop, you can hear them chatting. You’re glad she has someone to talk to. Even if you can’t help, you’re glad they can.
It’s best you keep to yourself. It’s better this way.
It doesn’t stop the guilt though, as much as you want it to. You spare a glance behind you. They lean into her side comfortably and she welcomes them with familiarity.
You hate how you’re jealous.
~
Mirabelle fell asleep in Odile’s tent while they were having their book club. Bonnie went to join them, forcing Loop to come outside with you. You almost want to laugh at the pair of pajamas they’re wearing, but immediately feel bad. You will admit, at least, that the sight is funny. Isa helped find clothes that fit them, so they don’t have to wear his when they need a disguise in public.
They look human tonight, scarf and hat hiding their features. You wonder what they look like under there. The only thing you really know is that their hair is darkless, like yours.
“It’s rude to stare, you know,” they reprimand you.
“S-sorry,” you whip your neck so fast you almost hear it crack.
They shrink into their scarf and pull their hat closer, similar to you with your cloak and hat.
You’re on first shift as usual, stargazing with someone who doesn’t like you. You don’t blame them, but you wish selfishly for a bit of reprieve. Something to distract you from your guilt.
“What are you, anyways?” you ask cautiously.
“That’s a silly question,” they laugh humorlessly, “I’m a star!”
“Not right now,” you point out, and they seem to deflate a bit.
“No… I suppose not,” they seem to realize.
“Were you always human? And you got turned into a star?”
“What is this, an interrogation?”
“I just want to know more about you,” you duck your head into your cloak. They scoff
“You may know more than you realize,” they roll their eyes.
“Still, I want to hear it from you,” you counter. They huff.
“Yes,” they answer, “I was always human. But the Universe had other plans I suppose.”
“The Universe?”
“Don’t tell me you forgot your own faith as well,” they snark.
“My faith?” you perk up, hopeful. They look at you surprised and a little bit regretful.
“Right… I forgot you never,” they trail off, the knowledge of whatever you didn’t do is lost to you. “The Universe is what grants wishes. That’s all I know, so don’t ask anymore.”
They seem uncomfortable, so you leave it be. Your faith. Grants wishes...
You wonder how they knew this, how they knew about Wishcraft. Wherever you’re from, are they from there too? They seem to know more than you, despite not having the full picture either. You want to know more but…
“Do you like being a star?”
“No.”
“...Do you like being human again?”
“I don’t know,” they answer honestly, “It’s kind of hard, living with a face that’s not yours anymore.”
They look at you, raising their head slightly, and you catch a glimpse of what they look like underneath. For a second, you think something impossible. Though Timecraft was thought of the same way, so you don’t know what to think.
Before you can confront them, they get up and leave to sleep in Mira’s tent.
You’re alone now, and you’re left to wonder what you just saw.
~
You pay more attention to Loop after that.
Simple things, really. Stuff like their mannerisms, the way they talk to the others, how they carry themself when they think no one is looking.
Even the way they fight. You encountered a sadness today, and they took it out in one hit before any of you could do anything. You made sure to glance at their hands.
Scissors type.
There’s a picture that’s beginning to form in your head. You don’t have all the pieces right now, but it’s there. They feel too familiar for there not to be something.
Despite their insistence of keeping their identity hidden, you’re starting to put it together.
~
You’re not surprised when the reveal happens.
Or well, you’re surprised, but you’re not surprised. You’ve suspected something for a while.
The day started off normally. You packed up, traveled until sunset and started setting up camp. Odile and Loop have been acting weird all day, speaking in hushed tones and constantly looking at you. They’re talking about you, it seems. Literally behind your back as you lead the rest.
You try not to acknowledge it. You don’t want to acknowledge the sting you feel from that.
They’re jittery the entire day, their normal sarcastic quips lost to half-hearted attempts at deflecting. You keep an eye on them, same as the others in your party who’ve noticed their weird mood. You want to offer a distraction, but you’re not sure if your truce from the other night extends to today.
It all comes to a head at night.
Odile walks over to you where you sit, requesting that you follow her. You do as you’re told and accompany her as she leads you through the dark forest. It’s not a long walk by any means. Enough to be out of earshot of the camp, but still able to see the soft glow of the campfire.
She stops suddenly, and once again you find yourself bumping into someone’s back. And judging by how well the conversation went that time, it doesn’t give you high hopes for whatever this is. Turns out, they have the same interrogation methods. Who knew? Just another thing they share.
…Is this an interrogation?
She turns around and faces you, though not without flinching from the sudden contact. You try not to let it bother you. She’s like that with everyone. E̶v̶e̶r̶y̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶e̶x̶c̶e̶p̶t̶ ̶L̶o̶o̶p̶.̶
You mentally prepare yourself for whatever she’s about to say. She seems to be doing the same.
“So…” you start quietly, “What did you bring me for?”
She sighs, before calmly breathing in and out, the same technique as you.
“It’s about Loop…” she tells you, “There’s something they need to tell everyone. That we need to tell everyone, but… they said they’d feel more comfortable if you weren’t present.”
“Oh…” You don’t know how to respond to that. You shouldn’t be surprised.
“That’s not to say they don’t want you to know,” she clarifies, “Which is why I’m telling you first, before everyone else finds out.”
“Okay,” you nod slowly. You’re curious as to what this is. You have a suspicion, but that could just be you making things up.
“I’ve already told you all how I got stuck in the loops, and you know that Loop went through it with me,” she starts, “They made a wish, got stuck in the same loops, went through the same thing I did, more or less. Except, they didn’t have anyone to help them, so at some point, they gave up.”
You listen attentively.
“They made a new wish, and wished for someone to help them. So, they were taken out of their world and thrown into another version, ours,” she explains, taking a breath before the next part, “Loop is you, Siffrin. Or well, they used to be you, in some other version of our world, before they were forced out of it.”
Ah.
There it is.
You knew it. It doesn’t stop the shock. But it does mean you were right. It sounds insane, but you were right.
“I understand how unbelievable that sounds, so I understand if you’d need time to process it,” she offers.
“Why would I need time?” you question, “I didn’t even go through anything.”
“You’re allowed to… feel weird about it, though,” she retorts, eyebrows furrowed.
Are you?
“I’m f-okay. I’m okay,” you remember what to say. She’s quiet for a moment, looking at you with worry. You hate how you make her feel that way.
“I’ll come back when we’re done explaining to the others,” she passes by and in a moment, she’s gone.
Loop is... you.
Or, they used to be you.
They used to be you but then they went through the loops and Changed. Changed into something you couldn’t truly recognize. Not fully.
...
No wonder they hate you.
You took their spot. You replaced them. You’re oblivious to their suffering while you carry on happily. That’s why they hate you. You’re ignorant of how lucky you are. They’ve gone through so much, suffered the same amount as her. Yet you never had to go through that.
It was your burden to bear. You were supposed to be next, after them. Odile wasn’t supposed to go through this. But you shoved that tragedy onto her when you taught her that blinding ritual.
You were supposed to make the wish. That’s why Loop exists in the first place, because they were you and made the blinding wish. No one else was supposed to be brought into this until you made her. You made her take your place, you made her live through the worst thing imaginable a hundred times over and then you walked away like it was nothing.
It’s fitting, really. Always the fastest, always running away, leaving others to pick up what you broke.
You’re a clone. A copy with no home and a stolen name. Someone who hurts the people they claim to love and walks away, blissfully unaware of the damage they’ve done. Someone without humanity.
You’re the worst version of them.
It all makes sense now.
~
Odile retrieves you after 20 minutes. You wonder if it actually took that long, or if Loop just didn’t want you there. Not that you’d blame them.
Mirabelle and Isabeau look at you with pity. As if you’re the one who personally went through a living nightmare.
They’re in their human form now, face bare to the open world. You find yourself staring, studying every similarity, every feature that you share, noticing the ones you don’t. The second eye, blind but not destroyed. The star-like freckles, the lack of lightless hair. The haunted look in their eyes.
They study you the same way, carefully observing your expression. You’re not sure which one you’re making, but whatever it is causes them to wince and look away.
You don’t know what to think.
~
They act a bit different now.
They tease you a lot more. Or, you think it’s teasing? They might just be making fun of you. But the others…
The others must have accepted them. It’s hard to imagine them not to. But it seems they welcomed them with open arms, while still recognizing they’re a different person than you. They’re a lot more willing to hang out with them now that their identity’s not a secret anymore. Though, they still get that sad look in their eye sometimes. Especially with Isa.
They all seem happy whenever they’re with them. Mirabelle likes their sense of humor. The two of them can be found gossiping about the other housemaidens or of some of the books she likes. Bonnie thinks they’re cool. They ask them a billion questions ranging from how it feels to glow to what their favorite food is. You don’t think they fully understand that they used to be you, and that most of the answers might be the same. Some of them are different though. Isabeau likes talking about fashion with them. They want to have a different style than you and he’s been taking their measurements.
You’ve been trying not to take it to heart.
You don’t know why Mirabelle never seems as comfortable with you as she does with them. You don’t know why Bonnie gets so excited with Loop but is distant with you. You don’t know why Isabeau doesn’t talk about his interests with you.
You don’t know why they’re throwing worried glances your way.
It’s not like you went through anything. You didn’t suffer like they did. You didn’t die, see your allies get killed, lose hope to the point of self destruction. You didn’t go through anything.
So why do you feel this way?
Why do you feel so awful about everything?
Why can’t you look Odile in the eye? Why can’t you be around Loop for more than a second? Why are you feeling jealous?
Every time you see them together, you see them touch. That’s another thing you’ve noticed between them. It’s hard not to. Why does she touch them, but not you? Why do any of them touch them, but not you?
You never noticed it before, but it’s become glaringly obvious. None of them ever touch you. You don’t know why, you can’t wrap your head around it.
Are you really that different? Stupid question, you know. But are you? You’re similar enough. You’re two different branches, both stemming from the same tree, but you’re similar. What makes them lovable? What parts are you missing?
If only you knew. If only you could become them, become someone worthy of that love, that touch you desperately crave. If you were like them, wouldn’t it be easier?
They clearly like them a lot more. They’re clearly the better version of you. They helped and guided Odile through, saving her despite their situation. You were the one who put her there in the first place. And they still made it out of there a good person, someone who cares for those you’re careless with.
There’s no need for two Siffrins. Especially not the worst one. They should just-
Your heart drops.
They wouldn’t replace you… right?
Maybe you can make them leave.
You shiver at the traitorous thought. You could never. They’ve been through too much. They deserve to be happy, to have people that love them. Who are you to take that away? You’ve already taken their name and face. What more could you need?
Why did you even consider that?
You really are the worst one.
~
You reach a climax a week later.
It’s been a few weeks since Loop revealed themself. You and your group are halfway to Bambouche, pushing through the fall chills. You heard it’s supposed to rain later, so you all try to make as much progress as you can.
And you would! If it weren’t for this sadness.
You think this one came from one of the fully frozen towns, because it is way bigger than most of the ones you’ve seen. Rock type too. Not your lucky day.
You swing easily at the sadness in front of you. Loop throws in a few attacks too, but even this one seems too much for them. Odile slows it down with her craft and Isabeau takes the chance to throw you his turn. You rush over and stab it a few times before Mirabelle and Bonnie buff the rest of you up.
It continues like this for a while.
You’ve almost got it down, but in turn neither of you are doing great. It’s really taking a toll on all of you. You’ve never seen one this large before, even in the House. Though, it was mostly distorted at the time, so you don’t think that’s a fair comparison.
You wonder how many sadnesses Loop fought to get that strong. How many Odile had to face.
You see it coming to strike.
You barely dodge out of the way in time.
“Eyes on the sadness Siffrin!” Odile yells from her corner, and you fight the urge to shrink a little.
You stab it again, using whatever craft that’s cooled down enough. You throw a quick glance at your allies. Isabeau still looks like he can take a few more hits. Bonnie is feeding a fainted Mirabelle a crafted water, and Loop looks worse for wear too. You know Odile knows healing craft now, so you go to throw your turn to her. But as you’re distracted, you see it.
Out of the corner of your eye, it lifts its hands upwards. Its focus is on you, gaze piercing.
A large blow from that could be fatal.
At this angle, you could end the battle now. But--
“SIFFRIN!”
Odile’s voice sounds muffled.
You freeze up. You can’t move.
Why can’t you move?
If you move and kill it, it will hit Odile before it dies. But, if you don’t, it’ll hit you, instead. Isabeau’s almost down, Loop is struggling, Mirabelle is still out, you’re the only who can do anything! So why can’t you move!!!
Everything feels like it’s going slower. You watch her reach out to you, hand outstretched to save you. Instinctually, your hand moves upwards, attempting to meet it. You beg your feet to move instead.
She bridges the gap and pushes you out of the way.
The hands come down…
And you watch as they strike her into the ground.
“ODILE!!!” Loop shouts.
They land the final blow, enraged, the sadness finally dissolving into a pile of goo, and run to her side. Mirabelle wakes up, her, Isabeau and Bonnie rushing to her side. Bonnie is in tears, Mirabelle is panicking, Loop and Isabeau try to assess her injuries. She’s still conscious, but just barely. She’s coughing up blood and wheezing.
Your feet finally unfreeze from their position, but you still don’t know what to do.
Odile got hurt.
Odile got hurt because of you!!!
You struggle to breathe, you try desperately to keep it in check, to calm yourself down. You shouldn’t be worrying about yourself right now! She’s hurt! She’s hurt and it’s all your fault!!!
The others’ words are lost on you. You can’t focus on what they’re saying. Isabeau gently picks her up, careful not to make it worse, and begins running in the direction of the next town. Mirabelle follows him. You’re about to go too, but Loop grabs your arm.
You look at them, and they shake their head, then make a subtle nod towards Bonnie. They’re still crying, hiccuping and struggling to calm down. You look around you at your abandoned stuff.
Right, you should take care of this.
She wouldn’t want you there anyways.
The clouds above you start to sprinkle, pouring until it eventually turns into a heavy rain.
You don’t think there’s a more fitting metaphor.
~
Isabeau and Mirabelle take Madame to the next town’s House of Change. She stays in the infirmary for at least a week, the healing craft spread out to avoid harming her further. You’re all quiet throughout it. The last major injury was yours, and you’re not sure how they handled it when you were recovering.
It always comes down to you slipping up, doesn’t it?
You expect Loop to be angry, to blame you, to hate you more. But they look at you the same as everything else currently, despondent. You’re not sure if that makes you feel worse. Did they expect this? Are they not surprised you messed up this badly?
The others are in low spirits as well. Mirabelle is an anxious mess and Isabeau is putting his focus into making sure Bonnie is okay. They seem more angry and frustrated than anything.
You…
The guilt has been eating you alive. How could you? How could you do that to her? Why did you freeze? You’ve never frozen up before, not when it came to the others? So why did you freeze when it was suddenly yourself?
The rain hits the glass of the inn you’re staying at. It’s been raining all week
It’s rather fitting.
~
She’s released from her stay a few days later.
She’s under specific guidelines to make sure her recovery doesn’t regress. But other than that, she got extremely lucky.
You haven’t gotten the chance to personally apologize with the others’ fretting. You tried to in the infirmary, but she was too out of it to hear it, and all the other times, you got interrupted. So you’re waiting for the right time.
Travel is a lot slower now, much to Bonnie’s dismay. They look at Odile the same way they look at you. You feel terrible. They shouldn’t blame her. If anyone’s to blame, it’s you. You’re the reason they’re mad at her, you’re the reason she’s hurt, and you’re the reason it’ll take longer to reach their sister. Just another thing to the list.
The rain has let up a bit, but not by much. Thankfully, most of it has been light, allowing you all to keep traveling. You can’t help but have a grim feeling that the worst is yet to come. You hope that’s just your anxiety.
Nevertheless, you travel as much as you can today and set up camp. You’re on first watch again, but the clouds have hidden the stars. Odile is here with you this time, snuck out of Loops grasp to warm a drink. You sit together in quiet solidarity.
Now would be a perfect time, you think.
“I’m sorry,” you say suddenly. She jumps beside you at the sudden noise. Her gaze moves to you, clouded slightly, as if she’s still not fully awake.
“Oh,” is all she says, “For what?”
“For getting you hurt? For not doing anything?!” How can she seriously not know?
“Oh, Siffrin,” she gives a sad look, “I’m just glad you’re okay.”
She’s worried about you? You’re still making her worry about you!?
“You shouldn’t be!!”
“Siffrin?” she startles at your confession.
“You were in the infirmary for over a week. It took multiple days for you to be able to stand. If I had just moved or gotten hit instead then you wouldn’t be hurt!”
“Siffrin, if you took the hit, then you could’ve died,” Odile’s voice wavers, “And, I don’t think I can handle that again.”
The very light presence of tears prick her eyes. You feel bad for bringing it up now. She rubs them away with her hand, holding her drink in the other. You want to fix this. Loops advice, they said touch makes her feel better, right? Whenever she’s upset?
You try to comfort her, hand on her shoulder.
“Odile, I-”
She flinches away, a small gasp escapes her. Her drink spills a bit from the movement. She looks at you, wide-eyed, as if she forgot where she is. She looks at your hand, breathing quicker than normal, before she remembers where she is.
“Oh, I-I’m sorry Siffrin,” she apologizes, “I just wasn’t expecting…”
She shifts away when you don’t pull your hand back.
“Siffrin?” she tilts her head in concern.
You pull your hand back as if you burned it, hiding it under your cloak where it belongs.
“Hm?
“Are you okay?”
Why does she keep asking you that?
“Yeah!” you try your best to smile.
“Are you sure, because-”
“I’m fine.”
She studies you for a moment, quietly. You look away from her, refusing to meet her eye. How could you be so stupid? She sighs.
“If you say so,” she says with the air of someone who doesn’t believe you for a second, but doesn’t want to call you out on it, “I’ll leave you be for tonight then.”
She gets up from her spot next to you and heads back into her tent, leaving you alone with your thoughts.
She flinched.
She moved away from you.
You were trying to touch her and she moved away from you.
She lets Loop touch her when she's upset, but you’re not Loop. You were trying to comfort her, but she pushed you away.
Of course she would, you’re disgusting. You’re a monster, a parasite, leeching off of the kindness of others around you. Why wouldn’t she? Why wouldn’t she when she has someone way better, someone she’s not afraid of. Someone she lets touch her.
Why would she want your comfort? Why would she want you?
Why would anybody.
All you do is hurt and take. You hurt her back in Dormont, and that’s going to live with her the rest of her life. You took Loop’s place in the world, left them with nothing. You’re selfish. You’re so blinding selfish and one day, they’re going to finally realize that all you’re ever going to do is destroy them.
You don’t deserve them. You don’t deserve their kindness. You don’t deserve to cling on. Odile wanted you all to keep traveling together, but that was back when she didn’t see who you really are. Didn’t see all the ugly parts you’ve tried so hard to hide.
She doesn’t want you. She wants Siffrin. And she’s already got a better one. One that knows what she’s been through, who the others love, who hasn’t caused any problems or gotten anybody hurt. They want Loop. They don’t want you, and eventually they’re going to see that.
You want to be like them. You want to be loved.
Are you just trailing along?
…
Do they even want you here at all?
You should just go.
You freeze at the thought.
Before anyone tells you to. You’ll be doing them a favor. It’ll hurt less this way.
Shouldn’t you hurt for what you’ve done?
No, you’re right.
That way, no one will have to break it to you. You could do the hard part for them. You could do something right for once in your life. You’ll do it tonight, even! Make sure they never have to see you again.
You carefully slip into your tent and quietly grab your bag of things. You stand on the edge of the camp, looking over it one more time.
Are you really going to do this?
You don’t want to. You love them, so much. But if you love something, you’re supposed to let it go, right?
You breathe in, and out. You haven’t done that in a while, for Odile’s sake. Now she won’t have to worry about it again.
You step outside of the camp and into the woods ahead. As soon as you’re out of earshot of the camp, you begin running. As fast as you can, faster than you normally go, you run. The woods are dark, even more so with the clouds covering the moon. But you keep going.
You don’t pay attention to how long you’ve been running. The only tell is the pain in your chest as you pant. You can’t see where you’re going.
Your foot catches on something, a root or a rock maybe, and sends you tumbling down. You try to rebalance yourself, but your feet slip off of a ledge and send you downward, landing with a painful crack. You collapse to the ground in pain, biting hard on your lip as you try not to scream. Your leg feels like it’s on fire, pain coming from every direction.
You move yourself off of your leg, trying to assess the damage. It’s bent in a weird way. Stars, it’s broken. How are you supposed to run away now? You don’t know any healing craft, and the nearest town is miles away. Not to mention, the fact that what you fell into looks to be a small ravine, it’s walls too tall for you to pull yourself up.
You look up. The stars are blocked by the clouds. You wonder if it’s going to rain tonight.
As if on cue, thunder booms from above. And then a raindrop, then another one, until it begins to lightly pour. The ravine’s going to fill with water at some point. You won’t be able to escape, and you definitely won’t be able to swim. You’re trapped. You’re going to die here. You try not to panic.
You don’t want to die, this isn’t what you want!
But what else can you do?
Suddenly, you remember a figure in your pocket, and a sliver of information you managed to not forget.
Wishcraft.
You hate it, but it’s your only hope for tonight.
You pull out your dagger and the figure, and begin to carve, uncaring as to what kind of cuts you make. You mumble words true to your heart.
You wish to survive the night. You wish for safety. You wish to recover quickly.
You say it as many times as you feel is right, and wait.
All you can do now, is wait.