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Bradley’s hand shook as he looked at the magazine, a catalog full of half naked women and men. He was in his boyfriend’s childhood home holding his dirty magazines and the earth felt like it had stopped spinning.
Max likes sex, he’s going to want sex. Bradley cringed as he turned the page. Is Max…does he also want all these things in the magazines? Bradley is sure he could handle sex with his boyfriend at some point, but not to the extent that’s being shown between these very worn pages. His stomach churns at the idea. He hates the idea of any of it.
Being tied up sounds awful, like he would panic and hyperventilate if he was trapped that way. Being gagged would have the same effect. He wasn’t sure how anyone could enjoy any of this.
“Bradley…?” Max’s voice knocked him out of his trance, quickly shoving the magazines back under the mattress. He couldn’t let Max know he was snooping.
He quickly fixed himself, dusting off his knees and sitting on Max’s squeaky bed with his hands on his lap. Max rounded the corner and smiled when his eyes met the brunette.
“Hey baby, what’re you doing? I was calling your name. I made us some food.”
Max was carrying to plates full of food. From what Bradley could tell it was grilled cheese and tomato soup, a meal that Bradley had shared was one of his favourite, especially on rainy days like today.
“Oh, thanks. Sorry I must’ve zoned out while looking at your powerline cut out. I think the eyes are following me.” Bradley cracked a smile, grabbing his plate from Max and letting the smell fill his nose. It was comforting, reminded him of the days when his mother would make it for him and read to him in the old bay window.
Max’s face blushed bright red as he set his food down and turned the cut out around.
“There. Better?”
Bradley nodded, kicking his feet under the blanket. It was a chilly day and he and Max had plans to spend it in bed watching trash tv and laughing at the contestants. Max grabbed his food and settled in next to him, flipping on a show.
“So what are we watching?”
“It’s called too hot to handle. They end up on this dating show but they’re all super sexual and the catch is they can’t have sex or anything. Anytime someone does, the prize money goes down. It’s a dumb concept but I thought we could laugh at it together.”
Ah. Bradley’s stomach shrinks again. They’re watching a show about sex. Or rather, a show about how hard it is not to have sex.
Bradley doesn’t like sex. Infant, he’s sex repulsed. The idea of sweat mingling and fluids exchanging makes him want to puke. He already struggles with physical affection, sex just seems alittle too over the top.
Max’s hand finds Bradley’s in the blanket, giving it a soft squeeze.
“We could totally win this game. We’ve been together, what? Eight months? And we haven’t done anything more than make out. Although I think that loses us points too. Think you could go without kissing me?” Max makes kissy noises at his boyfriend, who snorts and pushes his face away.
“No problem for me.” But it is a problem. It’s a problem because they’ve together for eight months and Bradley is just now getting used to making out with someone.
It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy it. His boyfriend always tastes sweet, like vanilla ice cream and root beer. He loves the way Max tastes, but his body recoils at the feeling of hands on his hips and the idea of swapping saliva. Everytime Max’s hands wander down his back and pull at his belt loops or start squeezing his thigh, he jumps away. Max always says it’s okay, that they’ll keep working up to it. Bradley always agrees while feeling sick to his stomach.
Max wants sex. He’s made it clear in every touch that he wants Bradley in every way. Bradley’s not sure he can give him that. But he’s going to try.
The brunette takes a deep breath before rolling ontop of his boyfriend and grabbing his shirt in two fists. Max’s hands rest on his ass, a firm hold. Bradley’s face is red and his throat is tight, the binder under his shirt feeling more constricting than usual. He presses his lips to Max’s, rolling his hips in his lap.
Max groans into Bradley’s lips, moving his hips to meet Bradley’s movements. His hands are sliding up Bradley’s shirt and he’s praying to a God he’s not sure he believes in anymore that Max doesn’t notice his shaking. His prayers, as usual, are unanswered. Max breaks the kiss to look at his boyfriend’s face, concern plastered across his face.
“Baby what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, shut up. We’re gonna have sex now or whatever, okay? I can do it.” Bradley’s voice shakes as he forces the words out, hands fumbling with the button on Max’s jeans.
Max’s hands grab Bradley’s, bringing the knuckles to his lips so he can kiss them.
“Bradley, come on. Talk to me. You’re not acting like yourself.”
Bradley lets out a strangled whine, falling off Max and diving under the blanket. He can’t stop the tears that are filling up his eyes, but he can atleast try to hide them. He mumbles something unintelligible.
“What?”
Bradley takes a deep breath, sitting up with the blanket wound tightly around himself.
“I’m trying to do what you want! I know you want sex, I found those ugly magazines under your bed and you’re always trying to go further than kissing and I know I have to give in eventually or you’re gonna be annoyed or not like me anymore and the thought of sex makes me want to vomit like actually vomit I hate it so much but I love you so much too so if you want to have a sex then we can!” Bradley’s words come out rushed and smashed together, he keeps his eyes on the blanket and avoids Max’s eyes.
“Are you asexual?”
“What? Isn’t that a plant thing?”
Max shakes his head, taking his boyfriend’s hands back in his.
“Asexual just means you don’t experience sexual attraction, it’s another thing that’s a spectrum. Some people experience very little sexual attraction, some people are hypersexual but just don’t feel the attraction to anyone, some people are asexual and aromantic.”
“What the fuck is aromantic?”
Max laughs, resting his forehead against Bradley’s.
“Let’s just focus on one thing at a time, I just for you to understand bisexuality I’m not going to overload you with different labels right now. But I think you should look into asexuality.”
Bradley whines, eyes flickering up to meet Max’s.
“I thought I was bisexual? I love you, I love being with you.”
Max hums and caresses Bradley’s face in one hand.
“Again, I’m not overloading you tonight. But sexuality and romance can differ ya know. You could be biromantic and asexual, romantically attracted to both but not sexually. And that’s okay!”
“Is it? I know you want sex. I’ve seen your magazines. They’re disgusting by the way, even if we do have sex I’m not doing any of that stuff.”
Max can’t help himself, he tried to contain the laughter but it ended up bubbling out of him. His head threw back as he laughed loudly, hands still holding Bradley’s while Bradley’s face burned red.
“Stop laughing!”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Oh my god. Baby, those magazines were from when I was a teenager and confused. Bobby got them for me to help me figure stuff out. I couldn’t throw them out because my dad would see and you’ve met my dad, could you imagine if he saw that in my trash? I completely forgot about them. Honestly. I don’t want anything in those magazines, I just want you. You’re enough.”
Bradley’s heart was beating in his ear drums. Max always said just the right thing.
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to…miss out on anything.”
“I’m not missing out on anything, my love. I have two hands, I can take care of myself just fine. Aslong as I can hold your hand and wake up next to you I don’t care. I don’t need sex.”
Bradley relaxed into Max’s touch, letting out a soft sigh.
“Just wash your hands before you touch me. And thank you, for being so understanding with me. I know I’m…difficult in more ways than one. I can be high maintenance.”
“You are difficult, but that’s okay. I like being the one to handle you. I’m selfish, I don’t want anyone else to be able to do what I do. I like maintaining you.”
Bradley closed his eyes, settling into his boyfriend’s arms.
“Was that friends reference?”
“It might’ve been.”
“You’re ridiculous. I love you.”
Max smiles, wrapping his arms around Bradley’s body.
“I love you too.”