Chapter Text
Shawn and Juliet’s engagement lasted seven months and fourteen days. It ended not with a wedding but a single smile from a bookstore cashier on a case Juliet was working. Gus didn’t see it, but he felt Shawn stand up a little straighter beside him. Gus didn’t think about it. He just flipped through the case file.
After the smile things crumbled for them. Gus watched without realizing what it meant. Another rough patch maybe, but they’d get through it. Juliet and Shawn always got through it. They’d gotten over lies and commitment issues and Juliet’s move to San Francisco. Juliet helped Shawn grow up, become a mostly functioning adult. Gus didn’t even have to claim him on his taxes anymore.
The couple didn’t get over the smile. The smile became The Girl and The Girl became Katie. Katie from Duluth: pretty, sweet, grew up playing hockey with her brothers, and fell for Juliet at first sight. There wasn’t an affair because both of them were too kind for that. Juliet talked to Shawn without hesitation but neither mentioned it to anyone else. Not even Gus.
It only took a month for Juliet to sit Shawn down, return the ring, and ask for his forgiveness. She didn’t have to ask twice. Shawn understood, knew it was coming in the same way he was always three steps ahead of everyone. He watched it. He smiled. He joked he’d already started packing. He made Jules promise to bring the girl around for his and Gus’s annual John Hughes Film Fest. She did.
That’s the night Gus finally found out. Shawn had just enough sense to take him aside and explain everything before he answered the door letting in the new couple. Gus hid in the kitchen at first, fighting to process it all. He was more torn up than Shawn seemed to be and that pissed him off. That was good. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to be mad and rude but this was Juliet. Gus liked Jules. Even after finding everything out he liked her. There wasn’t a better way any of this could’ve been handled because Juliet was kind and smart and good. He joined them in his living room a few minutes later- rushing out of the kitchen after realizing that maybe leaving Shawn alone with his most recent and most serious ex and the woman she left him for wasn’t a good idea. Even if it was Shawn.
It was fine. The three were smiling. It wasn’t even one of Shawn’s plethora of fake smiles, the ones with eyes too sharp and too much teeth. Gus joined the group, tried to ignore the ugly thing growing in his chest and belly because if everyone else seemed to be okay he should be too.
xxx
The thing was Gus was not okay . At all. Jules and Katie were charming. Adorable. Shawn was his usual breezy self. It was almost as if nothing had even happened. By the time Pretty and Pink was over and the girls were leaving Gus couldn’t breathe. The ugly thing had been growing the whole night. He wasn’t sure what it was but knew he didn’t like it. He didn’t like any of this.
Shawn and Juliet were supposed to be forever. They were a storybook romance. Kinda. He had graciously stepped back and accepted that she was taking over his Shawn centered duties. She was going to be his handler. His new number one. He got ready for his Best Man responsibilities, excitedly thinking about bachelor party options and drafting speeches in his head. That was gone now.
And Katie? Katie had been a delight. Truly. She was kind, genuine. She looked at Jules like she hung the moon. Every time Juliet looked at her the same way Gus wanted to get mad. He couldn’t. He couldn’t find an ounce of anger towards either of them. He knew they’d see her again and lied saying he looked forward to it. It only took him a minute to realize that wasn’t a lie. Gus sank into the couch waiting till he heard Shawn’s footsteps to finally speak up.
“What the hell was that?”
“I know right? Can you believe Katie’s hadn’t seen Weird Science before? It’s a classic.” Shawn said dropping down next to him.
“No Shawn. I mean what is going on with you and Juliet and you letting her go?”
“I didn’t,” Shawn seemed a little at a loss. He tucked himself into the corner before continuing, “I didn’t let her go. There was no letting. She just went. She met Katie and they’re great. Didn’t you like Katie?”
“Of course I liked Katie, did you hear her talk about Teen Wolf? How could I not like Katie?”
“Okay then what’s the problem?”
“The problem, Shawn, is that I watched you spend the last decade of your life mooning after Juliet, finally getting her to date and marry you after everything you two have been through and you let her go. Without any fight.” Gus didn’t look at Shawn when it all rushed out. He couldn’t.
“It hasn’t been a decade.”
“Shawn.”
He expects another quip. Shawn remained silent. Minutes pass and Gus thinks that maybe the conversation is over. Shawn slipping out of it before Gus has a chance to get to an actual answer. Gus knew though, that even if it’s over for now it’s not over forever. Because Shawn is his best friend and you can’t be a good friend and watch your best friend ruin his life without at least knowing why. He needed to know why. He wanted Shawn to give him one of those rare honest conversations where he sheds the quips and jokes and just talks . The ugly thing flared up again.
“They’re great.” Shawn said and for a moment Gus wasn’t even sure he was staying on topic. Then Shawn added, “They’re great together .”
Gus finally looked over. Shawn looked so small. As small as his voice sounded. Shawn Spencer should never look or sound small- Gus was sure of that. He didn’t want to keep pushing. He wanted to drop it; distract Shawn, make him laugh. He wanted Shawn happy again. He always wanted Shawn happy. That couldn’t happen if he let this go.
“You were great together too.”
Shawn looked at Gus. Watched him. Gus didn’t know what he was looking for but he must have found it. Shawn nodded and stood, slowly cleaning up. Gus hefted himself up and smacked Shawn’s hands away from the dirty bowls. Shawn never cleaned. He was trying to escape, make this conversation go away. Another thing to bottle up and patch over, another thing to ignore because confronting it was ugly. Gus pushed him back down to the couch giving him a look and gathering up the dishes himself.
“We were. We were, but let’s be honest buddy, we weren’t gonna be forever.” Shawn stared at a glass.
His voice would’ve sounded normal to anyone else. To Gus it sounded hollow. He couldn’t look at him, too afraid of which Shawn he’d see. He was too afraid he’d find that eighteen-year-old kid again. The one that decided to drop everything and run. Run from Henry. Run from the future. Run from Gus . Shawn’s self loathing was audible, palpable. It was enough to make Gus hate Juliet and Katie. They brought that back. They did this. Gus knew that wasn’t right. He let the hate slide off him without a fight. It wasn’t them, it was Shawn’s own demons.
“Why?” Gus asked.
“I don’t need a forever. That’s what I have you for.”
“Shawn that sounds suspect.”
“Too gay?” Shawn asked but it was humorless.
“Shawn.”
Gus was getting tired of fighting for every bit of truth and vulnerability, but he needed it. He needed to know. He needed this conversation to be done and over because something in him said that he wouldn’t be able to handle drawing this out. Gus wouldn’t be able to ignore and patch up. The ugly thing in his chest was growing again and it wanted answers from Shawn. Gus was trying to push it away but everything was becoming so much. Everything about this was suddenly so overwhelming.
“Alright, alright, I’m a little bummed. Maybe more than a little bummed, but it wasn’t like it was messy. It wasn’t like it destroyed everything good I feel for Jules, or her for me.”
“No it just destroyed your impending marriage.”
“Now, we don’t have to deal with a divorce! I don’t think Aaron handles divorce cases. Plus, now I don’t have to go shopping for a new suit for the wedding, you know my good suit doesn’t fit anymore.” Shawn attempted a laugh. It was brittle.
Gus let out a long sigh, walked the dishes to the kitchen, started to fill the sink. He braced himself on the counter taking deep, even breaths when he heard Shawn follow him. He looked at him, then to the sink, then back to Shawn. Gus cycled through his options, trying to find the best possible way to ask his next question. Shawn came closer, hopped up on the island behind him. His voice was so soft Gus almost didn’t hear it.
“Gus.” He started. “I’m not going to run again.”
“You know I hate when you do that.”
“Answer your questions?”
Gus clicked his tongue. He spun around because now that his biggest fear about this was out in the open he needed to look at Shawn. He needed to see Shawn. He needed to know beyond any doubt that Shawn was telling him the truth. He needed Shawn to know that he was telling the truth.
“Answering questions I haven’t asked yet, like you know every word that’s ever going to come outta my damn mouth.”
“I do though.”
“Shawn.” Gus was tired of using the tone, but didn’t know another way to bring Shawn back.
“Right, sorry.”
“Juliet was good for you Shawn. Really good.”
“And she still will be, it’s not like she’s gone. We’ll still work together; we’ll still all be friends. We can plan sleepovers, build pillow forts. I bet I can even convince her to let you braid her hair.”
“I don’t want to braid her hair.”
“Okay, Katie’s then.”
“ Shawn .” It came out louder, sharper than Gus meant. His stomach dropped.
“Okay. Fine. You can braid mine but no cornrows, you know I can’t pull those off.” Shawn said.
His voice was ice. Gus lost him. He’d snapped and pushed too far and Shawn retreated. Gus didn’t know how to bring him back. He was so tired. He wanted out of this conversation just as much as Shawn did. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let this go. Gus wasn’t going to get another chance because if Shawn left without airing it all out he would figure out how to hide it. Shawn would figure out how to avoid this conversation for the rest of their lives. Gus knew he had one shot. He wasn’t clever enough to trick Shawn, not with something like this.
“I just want to know if you’re okay. Actually okay. Not the okay that you’re gonna show to everyone else so they leave it alone. Not the okay like last time, where you’re fine until I get home one day and there’s a cheery post card explaining you’re on an adventure and that’s all I hear from you for months. ”
“I told you I’m not going to run. I won’t run.”
“I know what you told me! Do you know what you told me? Last time?” Gus can’t stop himself. He can’t control his volume. He’s yelling, his voice is shaking, his hands are too. He feels like maybe everything around them is staking.
“Gus.”
“Wrong. You said, and I quote, I won’t run. You RAN.” Gus stepped closer to Shawn, not even aware of it. “You. Ran.” Gus couldn’t breathe.
“Gus-,” Shawn sounded so small, sounded pained. Gus wants to drop it.
“Shawn, you ran, and for years I was alone. You were gone. I was lucky to get any word from you every couple months. All the plans we made. Everything we dreamed up. You dropped it. You dropped me. I can’t go through the next seven years not know if you’re okay or alive or dead in Tahiti. Not hearing from you because you’re off trying to find yourself when really you’re just running .” Gus let out a shaky breath, trying to reel himself in. “I can’t go through the next seven, eight, however many years without you. I uprooted everything for you .”
Gus’s last words came out quiet, soft. He knew Shawn understood what wasn’t said. For a minute he thinks he can leave it like this. Then Gus’s common sense kicked in. Last time he didn’t spell it all out. He let everything go at face value and Shawn went. He didn’t know if saying every single little thing would’ve changed that- but…but, Gus knows they’re at that point again. They’re at the edge of something. Shawn might leave, might run. If letting it go didn’t work last time, Gus sure as hell isn’t going to try it again. He scrubbed his face with his hands, getting ready for another round.
“Shawn-,”
“Gus ple-,” Shawn started. Gus held up his hand, stopping him mid word. He needs to let it out. Now. Before it’s too late and there’s a postcard from Peru in his mailbox.
“No. Let me finish. Shawn. You can tell everyone else you’re okay. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want you to hide everything away. I know you. You throw a Band-Aid on a broken arm and tell everyone you’re fine and hide it. You hide it well. Except that I see it. I see the lies and the winces and the glassy eyed, too wide smiles. I watch and I keep my mouth shut because it’s what you need . But then you hide it better and better until I can’t see it anymore either.”
Gus let that sit. The air felt heavy. He needed a second. Shawn stood, a spike of fear ran through him. He’d gone too far. He’d done the opposite of what he meant, he pushed Shawn too far. Shawn moved closer, closer, then slid right past leaning over to turn off the sink. Shawn was so close and that ugly thing came back. It was screaming.
“It was about to flood.” Shawn said softly, nodding towards the sink.
Gus lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He waited for Shawn to sit back down, but he didn’t. He stayed leaning against the counter. So close. Too close. Gus wanted to move, but somehow it didn’t feel right. He felt rooted to the ground, stuck in Shawn Spencer’s gravitational pull. He’s been trapped in it so long he forgets what it’s like to not have that instinct to stick with Shawn. To stay. Most of the time he doesn’t feel it, too used to it. Now though, to Gus it felt just like he was meeting Shawn again for the first time. Caught up in all the bullshit coming out of his mouth that he can’t help but quit the game of tag and talk to the weird kid yelling about some movie he’d never heard of and about to get his ass kicked for it.
“Shawn I know it’s not that you don’t trust me. I know it’s just, just you, just the way you are. It fucking hurts though. When you figure out how to hide something well enough to trick me too. Like I’m not more than the rest of them. I need you to be honest. I need you to honestly tell me you’re okay. Truly okay. I need to know why, if it is the truth. Shawn, I need to know, because from where I’m standing you should be devastated.”
“But I’m not.” Shawn finished for him.
“But you’re not, and I need to know why. I need to know that it’s not a bandage. I can’t stand aside and just watch you hide it. I can’t be the way you figure out how to hide it from everyone else. Tell me.”
Gus doesn’t remember a time he’s been this brave in his life. As wonderful as Shawn is, as fascinating and entertaining and fun as Shawn is- he’s also terrifying. Shawn terrifies Gus. He can vanish. He can do anything and he doesn’t need Gus to do it. Gus is just along for the ride because for some reason Shawn likes him, enjoys his company, feels loyal to him. Gus knows that can all go away one day. All the excitement and wonder and thrill of Shawn can just go away . It’s temporary. It can disappear without reason, but now Gus has provided one. Gus pushed. He kept pushing. Gus didn’t know what he’d do if this was too far. He didn’t know what to do without Shawn.
“I’m okay. Gus. I’m okay.” Shawn wouldn’t look at him.
“But why?” pushingpushingpushing. Why couldn’t he just stop ?
“I’m not that kid anymore. I’m okay. I’m not going anywhere.” Shawn said. He was so quiet Gus had to lean in, “I never honestly expected to be with Juliet forever. Never. She wanted it. Thought she did, believed it most of the time, but deepdeep in the warm, gooey bits where we all hide from even ourselves she knew I wasn’t the one .”
Shawn sounded like he was talking about the weather. His tone was like this was the most normal thing in the world. Like the fact that he knew his fiancée didn’t think he was actually the one she should marry was standard fare.
“Juliet wanted that soul mate connection. That zap from a look and a kiss. It wasn’t me. I knew it and she knew it, but we were reallyreally happy. Gus, I was always okay with just being with her till we didn’t want to be together anymore. There was always an ending looming somewhere in the future. If it had lasted years or decades or just three days, I would’ve been fine with it.”
“That’s messed up.” Gus said it so low he wasn’t sure Shawn heard it till the corner of his mouth ticked up.
“Maybe. But I watched her meet Katie. I watched them together and knew that Juliet had found what she’d been looking for, what she was pretending to feel with me. And Katie’s great. Katie’s really great. They’ll be happy together Gus, and I’m okay stepping out of the way for that to happen.”
“I feel like I’m in a parallel universe, you’re not supposed to be this mature.”
Shawn laughed. A full body laugh that rang through the kitchen and went right through Gus. The laughter settled just underneath the ugly thing in his chest. Gus laughed with him, but it was slow and tired. He felt drained, but Shawn was so close. He was radiating warmth. Gus felt drawn closer. Shawn moved from the counter, leaning just slightly into Gus’s space.
“I promise not to be this grown up too often.” Shawn said smiling.
He was so close. Gus moved closer too. They were nearly touching. He could feel Shawn’s words and breath on his face and neck. He wanted to be closer. He wanted to lean in farther and…he didn’t know. The ugly thing in his chest was tightly coiled, ready to snap. He wanted to be closer. He wanted to touch and, and...Gus didn’t want to think anymore. He didn’t want to feel Shawn looking at him. He suddenly needed to be on the other side of the room, far away, safe. He needed Shawn gone so he could stop feeling whatever it was he felt.
“Alright. It’s late. This was exhausting. I’m gonna get going buddy.” Shawn said.
He patted Gus on the shoulder as he passed to make his way to the door. Gus’s shoulder burned. Before Shawn could get too far he grabbed at his wrist, but aimed too low reaching for his hand instead. Shawn stopped, looked back to Gus curiously. Gus knew that he was still hiding something, but not enough that he thought it’d never surface again. When Shawn was ready to spill the last part of this mess he would- and Gus would be there for it.
“Ah, um, I’ll see you then. Later?” Gus stammered.
Can I see you tomorrow to make sure you stayed was what he was really asking. They both knew it. They both knew that he needed proof that Shawn wasn’t going to evaporate. Shawn nodded, leaning in again. He laced his fingers through Gus’s even though the angles were awkward, borderline uncomfortable. Their noses were almost touching. Gus could. He could lean in more. He could so easily kiss Shawn. The ugly thing was tearing through him. He didn’t move.
“Breakfast. Definitely.” Shawn said.
He smiled. A good smile. Normal. Not too sharp or bright. It was happy and content. Gus smiled back, letting go and watching his friend leave the apartment. The second the door shut behind Shawn everything hit Gus at once. He was heavy. He was spent. He dragged himself to the bedroom trying to forget about everything. Placing it in the back of his mind where it would wait till he could process it without needing to hyperventilate. He fell into bed still feeling the warmth of Shawn’s hand is his. He felt eight all over again.