Chapter Text
"If love is like a possession, maybe my letters are like exorcisms.
My letters set me free. Or at least they're supposed to."
- To All The Boys I've Loved Before
For the past three years, it was always the three of them - Penelope, Eloise and Theo. Even when the latter two eventually started dating, then being boyfriend and girlfriend, they made sure that Penelope always felt included when they hung out together, studying for exams or getting a meal or playing a board game or baking together for their school fair - it was always the three of them against the world.
So when Eloise broke up with Theo the day before Lower Sixth started, he was understandably blindsided. And that was how he found himself on Penelope’s porch, right across from Bridgerton House, where he’d just come from after Eloise dumped him.
“Did you know?” he demanded, barely holding back tears as he stared hard at Penelope. Eloise and Penelope had been friends long before Theo ever joined the picture; they met as children, having grown up as neighbours. Theo had only become part of their little duo when he’d moved two doors down from Penelope three years ago. It was reasonable to think that Eloise had given Penelope a head’s up on her plan to break up with Theo - the girls held no secrets from each other. “Did you know what she was planning to do?”
“No, of course not,” denied Penelope emphatically, shaking her head as she stared at her friend with sympathy. It was the truth - she’d no inkling as to her best friend’s idea to break up the literal day before school was to start. She’d have talked Eloise into doing it much earlier so they could at least have the summer to heal. “I’m so sorry, Theo. She didn’t tell me anything.”
“I thought we were cool,” he said softly, looking up at Bridgerton House. His brown eyes sparkled with unshed tears and he raked a hand through his hair, messing it up. “I just don’t understand. Why is she doing this?”
“I don’t know.” Penelope shook her head. When Theo first knocked on her door that night, she’d been completely taken aback by the defeat in his eyes. She’d never seen such emptiness before. “She didn’t tell you anything?”
“She just-” Theo cut himself off and shrugged, looking down at his worn sneakers. He sniffed a little, his lip quivering lightly. “She said it wasn’t working out. And then she returned all my stuff.”
He gestured to a box filled with his clothes and gifts, a few knick-knacks he’d left in Eloise’s room - a fidget spinner, a teddy bear, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. The cardboard box sat on the porch’s railing, the golden streetlight illuminating its contents as if taunting them.
Penelope was in a similar state of distress. She had no idea what possessed Eloise to disrupt the balance they’d so carefully curated amongst the three of them. There was a synergy between them; a contentment and happiness that couldn’t easily be replicated with anyone else. As much as she loved her oldest, best friend, she couldn’t help but wonder how she could have allowed herself to tip the boat so drastically - and at such a crucial point in their lives, too.
But therein laid the problem. Eloise did everything for the benefit of Eloise and no other person. She likely wouldn’t have thought about what it would do to Penelope’s friendship with Theo if she were to break up with him - such was the privilege of never having to think about others. Between the three of them, Eloise was easily the most fortunate. She belonged to one of the richest families in Britain, the Bridgertons. Her oldest brother, Anthony, was a Viscount and a well respected politician. She had a mother who loved and cherished her and seven siblings who would do anything for her. She never had to worry about a thing in her life.
Penelope and Theo weren’t the same. Theo was an only child. His parents loved him very much. He’d grown up poor, his father struggling to put food on the table while his mother stayed home to care for him. However, Mr Sharpe’s publishing business took off just five years ago, and they’d moved here as soon as they could to give Theo a better education.
On the other hand, Penelope had grown up with ample riches - her family lived in a fancy house, they employed a butler and several maids, her closet was filled with branded items (most of them yellow, which she hated) and she had never needed to know what it felt like to go hungry. She knew how lucky she was to be born into such opulence. Any complaint she could have made would only make her sound like an ungrateful brat.
And yet, there was her family. The Featheringtons. If there was ever a more dysfunctional family than hers, Penelope would surely like to meet them. The patriarch, Archibald, was absent at best and neglectful at worst. Portia, his wife, was a social-climbing pariah with gaudy tastes, flaunting extravagance at every opportunity. Penelope’s older sisters, Prudence and Phillipa, often condescended to her, turning their nose at her bigger shape, mocking her weight and making snide comments about her appearance.
The only person she truly cared for at home was her younger sister, Felicity. Dear, sweet Fel. It was a miracle that her younger sister turned out to be decent, given the people they called family.
Penelope supposed Eloise could be forgiven, in the circumstances, for failing to think of her.
“I’m really sorry, Theo,” she sighed, reaching out to place a comforting hand on his arm. “I would talk to her but-”
“It wouldn’t change anything,” he shrugged. He attempted a smile, the corners of his lips quivering slightly. “El is stubborn as a mule. It’s one of the reasons I-”
He stopped abruptly again. Penelope winced in sympathy.
“We can still be friends, right?” he asked tentatively, dark eyes peering into her blue ones. “I mean, I would never ask you to choose between us - I know you’re more likely to choose El anyway, but- well, we could still hang out, right?”
Penelope offered him a smile. “Of course,” she nodded, patting his arm in reassurance. She neglected to say that he was right; she would choose Eloise over him. Such was the result of almost a decade of friendship. “We’ll still be friends. I promise.”
He nodded, brushing a hand over his cheek and carding his fingers through his hair once more. “I should probably go now,” he said, turning to pick up the cardboard box. He hesitated, then reached out to give Penelope a one-armed hug. He pressed a soft kiss on her red curls. “See you around, Penny.”
Penelope watched him leave. He didn’t look back.
The first day of school shouldn’t be so important, especially given how many of them she’d already gone through in her life, but still Penelope found herself staring at her wardrobe the night before, tilting her head at the shelves and shelves of clothing. She’d spent most of the summer culling her closet, replacing bright yellow and orange hues that Portia insisted on dressing her in in favour of a softer colour palette filled with cool colours. Penelope had done most of her shopping online and in secret - sometimes with Felicity’s aid - so that her older sisters wouldn’t poke their pointy noses into her shopping bags. She was known to receive regular packages of books, and Prudence and Phillipa certainly weren’t interested in anything beyond the reading level of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
Sixth form was different for several reasons; first, students no longer needed to wear uniforms. This was, Penelope admitted, the primary reason she sought to change her wardrobe for this year. She could not bear being the only person dressed in fluorescent, borderline neon, yellow while her peers looked beautiful in their normal coloured clothes. She had absolutely zero desire to cosplay as a high-vis jacket for two years.
Second, Penelope would no longer be third-wheeling Eloise and Theo. She’d spent the past three years of her life with the same people every day, and this was evidently about to change. This past summer, Eloise had developed a friendship with the SJW clique - a group of students that spent their free time joining or organising protests around London for a myriad of causes. Ever since Penelope had tagged along with Eloise in a pro-Palestine rally at the beginning of summer, she’d quickly realised that her best friend had found her people. She’d been happy for her, of course, but it was also a hard pill to swallow, knowing that she wasn’t considered one of Eloise’s ‘people’.
Third, and most importantly, this was the year she was finally getting over Colin fucking Bridgerton. Yes, Bridgerton. Eloise’s brother. No, Eloise had no idea that Penelope had harboured the longest crush on one of her older brothers, and Penelope intended for it to stay that way. She’d known the Bridgertons since she was nine, and she’d held a girlish tendre for Colin just as long.
She wasn’t obsessed. She just… loved easily. There was nothing wrong with that.
And it wasn’t as though Colin was the only one. She had real, genuine crushes on four other boys too; Michael Stirling, a devilishly handsome Scottish boy she met when his family lived here briefly before moving back to their hometown; Alfred Debling, a vegetarian whose passion for nature and animals made Penelope’s heart flutter; Charlie Remington, who had so kindly indulged her interest in celebrity gossip and provided his own witty commentary on a subject his peers would have sneered at; and lastly, Theo Sharpe.
Yes, that Theo Sharpe.
In her defence, her crush on Theo came long before he and Eloise even started dating. And once they did, Penelope had confessed to Eloise immediately that she once saw Theo in such a light. She had assured her best friend that those feelings were a thing of the past, something she once felt intensely, but were now gone. Eloise had merely wrapped her arms around her in a tight hug, thanking her for telling the truth, for being vulnerable.
If Penelope had been true to herself, those feelings weren’t exactly gone. Just shoved deep into a box. Quite literally.
She sighed as she eyed the hatbox placed on the top shelf of her walk-in, tilting her head at it. In it sat five letters she wrote - each to a boy she once liked. For as long as she remembered, Penelope had been a writer. It was her vocation, her calling - she could not imagine doing anything else with her time. And so, when faced with feelings so powerful and consuming, she did what she did best; she placed pen to paper.
She wrote of everything she loved about them, everything she wished she was brave enough to say. She’d even used special stationery for them, decorating the borders with stickers and doodles of hearts, writing her sentiments in shiny golden ink. Then she sealed each letter into a lime green envelope, wrote their names and addresses down in silver and placed it in that secret box, safe in the knowledge that those letters would never see the light of day.
It was how she’d let go of the boys she could never have. And it had all started with Colin. As the saying goes, you never forget your first.
It was hard to forget him when he was always in the background, being kind and charming. Even as Penelope felt herself liking other boys, Colin was always there, offering her a funny joke and a cheeky smile, his chestnut curls falling into his eyes. Perhaps, if she were truly honest with herself, those feelings for Colin she’d been so intent on placing into a box - well, they’d never been contained.
But that was about to change this year.
Because this past summer, Penelope’s cousin had moved into town. And Colin was now dating her.
Penelope’s cousin had been kind - at first. After finding out that Penelope’s bestie was a Bridgerton, Marina did everything she could to befriend Penelope. Once she’d finally sunk her claws - nails - into Colin, however, everything changed.
Worse still, Marina had clocked Penelope’s affection for Colin. And she’d been cruel about it.
“Stay away from him. Can’t you see that he just pities you?”
“Your love is an unrequited fantasy, and it will always remain that way.”
“Wake up, Penelope. If he didn’t like you before, what makes you think he’ll change his mind now?”
So - yeah.
All in all, Penelope was getting ready for a really lonely year. But she’d be damned if she wasn’t making sure she looked damn good for it.
“Hey Penny,” greeted Theo as he slid into a chair opposite her. He tossed an apple in the air and bit into it, giving her a cheeky grin. “Free period?”
“Yeah.” She gave him a small smile before returning back to her planner, organising her timetable. Different coloured highlighters were laid out neatly in a line in front of her. “I just thought I’d get some work done.”
Theo raised an eyebrow at her. “It’s the first day back. You’ve got work already?”
She shrugged. “It’s just good to be prepared, you know.”
He took another bite of his apple, the loud crunch echoing around the mostly empty common room. She threw him a look.
“If you get caught by Mrs Varley, I’m not helping,” she muttered, looking down at her notebook once more. “She already gave Colin a warning for eating a sandwich here.”
Theo rolled his eyes at the mention of his ex’s brother. “That would’ve landed anyone else in detention,” he said. “Of course he only gets a warning.”
“It’s only the first day back,” said Penelope, feeling the need to defend Colin. “Mrs Varley probably didn’t want to start giving out detentions so early in the year.”
“Right,” snorted Theo. “Let’s see how many times Bridgerton gets away with eating in the common room this year. I’m telling you, Featherington, Mrs Varley plays favourites.” He dug into his backpack and took out a plastic bag filled with hair ties and clips, a copy of Pride and Prejudice, and a packet of sweets. “Anyway, I didn’t find you to complain about Bridgerton, I wanted to give you this.”
Penelope peered into the bag filled with pastel coloured butterfly clips and raised an eyebrow at him. “Thanks but these don’t really go with my hair,” she said dryly, gesturing to her auburn waves that were held up by a large claw clip.
“These are El’s, smartass,” retorted Theo. “She wanted me to read Pride and Prejudice during the summer. Something about it being a classic of feminist literature.”
“She’s right, by the way,” said Penelope, pulling the items towards her. She nodded to the sweets. “And what’s that for?”
“Oh, that one’s for you,” said Theo, flashing her a smile. “To thank you in advance.”
“You mean to bribe me so you won’t have to speak with Eloise?”
“It’s whatever you want it to be, Featherington,” shrugged Theo, finishing off the last of his apple and standing up. “I gotta run before the bell rings. Don’t wanna stick around - you know.”
She nodded. “I’ll get these back to El,” she promised. “And thanks for this, Theo.”
Theo gave her a nonchalant salute as he slung his bag over one shoulder, heading out of the common room just as the bell rang. Penelope looked down at the packet of milky sweets. It was the little things that endeared her to Theo - the fact that he knew exactly which sort of sweet she favoured, that he travelled all the way to a convenience shop in another neighbourhood to get it for her; she couldn’t help but let her heart fill with warmth at the gesture.
She tore open the packet and peeled the wrapper off the sweet, popping it into her mouth as she stood to dispose of the evidence of her rule-breaking before anyone caught her. A throng of students were making their way along the corridors, heading to class or the courtyard. More and more students were taking up the empty tables and the coveted cosy sofas and armchairs.
Penelope was startled when a pair of hands caught her shoulders as she walked back into the common room.
“Pen!” greeted Eloise, her smile bright. “Free period?”
She hooked her arm into Penelope’s, barely pausing before she was off on another of her rants. Penelope could not help but smile as she listened to her dear friend, noticing how enthusiastic she was. She was talking about yet another demonstration she and her new friends were planning, this time to show support to Just Stop Oil.
“- we don’t really want to inconvenience anyone taking the roads, but I suppose that can’t be helped - a protest must be…” she trailed off suddenly as they approached Penelope’s table, her eyes caught on the plastic bag and the book. “Is that mine?”
“Oh, yes, uh-” Penelope gathered the items and gave them to her. “Theo wanted to return this to you but his class was starting and he had to rush off.”
“And he didn’t want to see me,” added Eloise.
Penelope’s cheeks reddened slightly. “And he didn’t want to see you,” she admitted quietly.
“Thanks, Pen,” sighed Eloise, plopping her bag onto a chair and taking the items from her. “I’m sorry he’s using you as a messenger. I’ll tell him to stop.”
“N-no, it’s fine,” Pen rushed to reassure her. “I think he just needs time, El.”
Before Eloise could answer, a grating voice cut through the air.
“Eloise!” called Marina, halting by their table. Penelope turned away, closing her planner and packing her highlighters. “Colin told me about your breakup with Theo. You okay, girlie pop?”
Eloise raised an eyebrow as Penelope pressed her lips together to stifle a laugh. “Don’t call me that,” she said flatly, before training her gaze behind Marina. “And you - you just couldn’t keep your mouth shut for once in your life, could you?”
Colin didn’t meet his sister’s eyes. “I didn’t think it was a secret,” he murmured.
“Hm,” hummed Eloise, unconvinced. She turned to Penelope, now outrightly ignoring Marina. “Sit with us at lunch? You can tell us all about those new books I saw you post on Instagram.”
“Oh, Penelope!” interjected Marina, her eyes shining. “I didn’t see you there.”
“Yes, well, here I am,” said Penelope with fake enthusiasm.
“I like your new look. It’s… different,” said Marina, looking her up and down. Penelope resisted the urge to pull her emerald crop top down, suddenly conscious of how her stomach was exposed. Marina’s smile was wide and fake as she reached out to pluck the hem of Penelope’s top. “Interesting choice. I love your confidence. Don’t you think she looks nice, Colin?”
Penelope’s ears turned red, but she didn’t let Colin speak. “Do not mock me,” she said, looking Marina in the eye, a smile pasted on her face. She watched as her cousin’s expression morphed into one of surprise before settling into a smirk. Ignoring her, Penelope turned to look at Colin, who was staring directly at her. Surprised by the look on his face but trying not to show it, she picked up her bag and got ready to leave. “It was nice to see you, Colin.”
“You too, Pen,” he said softly, catching her hand as she walked past. She paused, confused. “I do think you look great, by the way.”
Half a smile flickered on her lips before she caught the look on Marina’s face. Right.
“Thanks, Colin,” she said, hurriedly pulling her hand away and walking out of the common room.
Distantly, she heard Eloise decline Colin’s invitation to sit with him and Marina during lunch.
“Full offence, brother, but I’d sooner sit with Theo than with you and your girlfriend,” retorted Eloise. Penelope heard fast footsteps. “Pen! Pen! Wait,” she called, catching up to her quickly. “Jesus, I could punch her.”
Penelope snorted. “Not very feminist of you.”
“I disagree,” said Eloise primly. “Being a feminist means knowing when both men and women are being cunts, and she was being a cunt. She doesn’t get a free pass just because she’s a woman.”
Penelope stifled a laugh. “Thanks, El.”
“Where are we going, by the way?” she asked. “Oh, and you never answered my question about lunch.”
“Library,” answered Penelope. “I need quiet to think. And thanks for the invite, but I think I’ll pass this time. I’ve got plans with my book.”
“Of course you do,” said Eloise, but there was only fondness in her voice. “Tell me all about it when you’re done?”
Penelope shot her a smile. “Sure, girlie pop.”
The brunette scrunched her nose in disgust, throwing her best friend a dirty look. “Don’t you dare.”
Briarly: Sorry, Miss Penelope, but Miss Prudence insisted that you could find another ride home. She requested a drive to Mister Dankworth’s in Park Lane. Perhaps you could wait for an hour and I’ll pick you up on the way back?
Penelope swore at her phone. She pulled up a private message with her eldest sister and typed out, in a haze of fury: you fucking cunt. Her finger hovered over the ‘send’ button before she changed her mind and deleted the message, toggling back to her chat with Mr Briarly, the chauffeur.
Penelope: That’s okay, Briarly. I’ll take a rideshare. You’ll still pick me up for the rest of the term, right?
Briarly: Yes, Miss Penelope.
She pursed her lips in frustration, cursing Prudence. She always did this. Penelope made sure to keep Briarly informed of her schedule in advance, ensuring that he was available when she needed him. Prudence would always pretend that her stupid dates with her boyfriend were more important.
“Fuck you, Pru,” she muttered to herself.
Of course, she could just learn to drive. But then what was the point of her father employing a full-time family chauffeur?
She kicked the rocks in the gravel as she made her way back to the school entrance, dropping down onto the stairs. It would take ages for any car to drive up to the school’s estate - if she could even find a driver willing to make the journey here.
She debated texting Eloise or Theo to ask for a ride, but she knew that Theo was already on the way home - his classes ended early on Fridays - and Eloise was likely at a meeting with the rest of the SJW clique, finalising plans for their demonstration during the weekend. It was only the first week of school, and Penelope was already getting used to being alone. She didn’t want to bother either of them when there was another perfectly good option.
“Pen?” came a startled voice from behind her, making her jump slightly.
She whirled around, straightening her back as she met the curious blue eyes of Colin Bridgerton. Her eyes flickered around him, taking in the peculiar absence of her cousin, who never missed an opportunity to hang onto Colin’s arm. She could not help but note that this was the first time in months they had been alone together, ever since he started going out with Marina.
“Colin!” she blinked in surprise. “Marina not with you?”
At the mention of his girlfriend, Colin frowned. “No, we… well, we had a fight yesterday. She went home by herself.”
“Oh,” said Penelope. She stared at him for a moment, unsure what to say. Finally, she offered, “I’m sorry.”
Colin let out a dry chuckle. “No, you’re not,” he said, and he plopped down onto the stairs next to her, effectively blocking the way for others passing through. “But I am sorry, though. For the way she spoke to you that day, about your top? I really did think you looked great, Pen. I could tell you didn’t really believe me when I told you.”
“It’s fine,” she waved his apology away - she certainly didn’t want him to apologise for what wasn’t his fault. At his pointed look, she sighed. “Look, that’s just Marina, okay? And she’s not going to change. I’ve known her for years, and she’s always been…” she hesitated, unsure how to describe her cousin’s personality. “... like that. She’s just like that. I’ve stopped expecting her to change,” she shrugged and looked at Colin. “You should too. You know, since she’s your girlfriend and all that.”
Colin cleared his throat awkwardly. “Right,” he said. Then he blinked and looked at her as though he was just realising something. “Briarly running late?”
“Actually, Briarly’s not coming. He got poached by the world’s biggest twat.”
Colin snorted with laughter. “And who’s that?”
“Prudence, of course.”
“Ah, of course,” he nodded, then held out his hand. “Come on then. I’ll take you home.”
“What? N-no, it’s fine, Colin,” she said hastily, shaking her head. She held up her phone and showed him the app that was running, tiny cars moving slowly across a map. “See? I’ll get a driver in no time.”
He raised his eyebrows at her. “Are you really going to pay twenty quid for a ride home when I’m offering you one for free?”
“I don’t want to inconvenience you,” she murmured.
He gave her a look. “You live right across the street from me.”
Penelope’s cheeks reddened. Truthfully, she could think of little else that she disliked more than having to share a confined space with Colin Bridgerton for twenty minutes.
“Come on, Pen,” he nudged her with his elbow. “I feel like we haven’t talked at all this summer.” He tilted his head at her. “I hardly saw you at that pool party we had.”
Blame your girlfriend, she thought bitterly. But she maintained a friendly smile as she looked at him.
“Oh, you know,” she said airily. “Sixth form and all that… important year, loads of prep to do.”
“Yeah, it gets busy,” he nodded in understanding. “That’s why I should drive you home! We can catch up a little.” He smiled a little bashfully at her, leaning down to bump his shoulder into hers. “I missed you, Pen. Come on, please?”
Penelope hated how weak she was. It was the way his eyes had widened with hope as he looked at her as though he was gazing into her soul.
She decided then that she could not look into his eyes anymore.
“I’ll even buy you those milky rabbit sweets only you like,” he offered.
She gave him a smirk. “Actually, I already got a packet. Theo bought me one on the first day,” she told him smugly.
“Theo?” he repeated. His expression turned into a frown. “He… bought you sweets?”
“He wanted me to return a few of El’s things,” she said, raising her eyebrows at his reaction. She knew Colin and Theo weren’t exactly best mates, but she never truly understood why. As far as she knew, neither of them had even gotten to know each other before they both decided that the other was an arse. “I know you don’t like him, but he is sweet. He’s a good friend. And I don’t know what El told you, but their breakup wasn’t really his fault.”
“El didn’t tell me anything,” he said, shaking his head. “But isn’t El your life wife? How can you still hang out with Theo? Don’t you have- I don’t know, a girl code or something?”
She shot him an unimpressed look. “If El is fine with my friendship with Theo, then I don’t know why you’ve got such a problem with it.” She looked at her phone again, tapping the screen impatiently. “For fuck’s sake,” she muttered.
“Come on, Pen,” he urged, standing and tugging her elbow lightly, but still making a show of it. “You’re not going to find a driver insane enough to drive all the way out here. Come with me.”
Penelope sighed, looking up into his face. “Fine,” she acquiesced, ignoring the flutter in her chest at the way he smiled at her. She could last twenty minutes alone with Colin, right? “Lead the way, Mr Bridgerton.”
Comfortable silence filled the car as they journeyed home, Penelope distracting herself with the view of the streets outside as though she hadn’t seen the same scenery a thousand times before. She figured it was much safer to stare at the trees that lined the school’s property rather than at Colin, who always managed to make even a mundane task such as driving look enticing, with his strong arms and wispy curls falling into his eyes.
Penelope hugged her backpack to her chest, shifting uncomfortably in the passenger seat. She chose to wear a skirt today. It was pretty, with a pastel blue floral pattern and ruffles that swished around her legs as she walked, but it also fell an inch above her knees, which meant that the fabric rode up her thighs when seated, exposing her skin to the cool air.
She never wore skirts around the Bridgertons. It was a semi-unconscious thing, but her legs - along with her stomach - were parts of her body she always kept hidden. She would wear baggy jeans and sweatpants, even maxi skirts in the summer - things that covered the shape of her thighs and hid the way they jiggled as she moved. Even when she was invited to the Bridgertons’ pool party, she would wear a cute sarong, knotted tightly around her waist, and a plain white t-shirt over her bikini.
She never did muster the courage to get into the pool with the others.
And so she was rather conscious of the fact that her thighs, that doubled in size whenever she sat, were suddenly bare for Colin to see. When tugging at her skirt didn’t make her feel any less exposed, she laid her backpack on her lap, but was dismayed to find that her cleavage was now bare. She bit her lip, muffling a frustrated groan.
“Are you cold or something?” came Colin’s voice from beside her. “I can turn the temp higher if you want.”
She turned to look at him in surprise, flushing when she realised that he’d been paying attention to her actions. “No, no, I was just-” she floundered, realising she didn’t have the words to explain what she was doing. How could she tell Colin that she felt as though her clothes had been stripped from her? “It’s fine.”
He shot her an unconvinced look before turning back to the road. “Right.”
“I’m fine,” she insisted.
“You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from having a girlfriend, it’s that girls don’t always say what they really mean,” he said casually. Penelope struggled not to tense up at the mention of his girlfriend. “But fine, if you insist.”
“I do,” she said, slightly irritated that he would compare her to her cousin.
“I have been meaning to tell you, though,” he paused as he flicked the signal light and made a left turn. “I like your new look.”
Penelope raised her eyebrows in surprise at him. Truthfully, she didn’t think he noticed. No one else but Eloise and Theo did - maybe Marina, if she counted that insult on the first day of school.
“Don’t get me wrong, I think you looked great before,” he rushed to add, tossing her a sideways glance before training his gaze on the road again. Her silence had stretched, she realised belatedly, and she could tell that he feared that she’d taken his comment as an insult. “It’s just that - well, you always seemed to hate wearing the clothes your mum bought you.”
“You would too if your mum forced you to cosplay as a citrus fruit ever since you were born,” she muttered bitterly, but there was a humorous edge to her tone.
He chuckled, his dark blue eyes shining with mirth. “You were a very cute citrus fruit, though.”
Penelope rolled her eyes even as her heart fluttered at the compliment. Colin was simply like that - kind and nice, never rude or mean. Girls always misunderstood his kindness for charm and flirtation, which of course meant that he was the most popular boy in their school. But Penelope knew better; he was just a genuine person.
It was what she loved most about him. It was why her crush on him never seemed to fade, even after years and years. It was not just that he was always around her. It was that he never seemed to go through that douchebag phase all boys seemed to go through, where they talked down to girls or tried to date more than one of them at a time. He never cared - or even seemed to realise, really - that he was the most popular boy in school. He didn’t let the fact that he was well-liked ever stop him from being himself and doing the same things he always did, like playing with his younger siblings or spending time with his mum or helping his sisters out when their period came unexpectedly.
Or hanging out with the resident wallflower. All the things other popular teenagers sneered at or deemed beneath them.
That wasn’t to say he was a dullard. He went to parties and nightclubs, like everyone else. He drank and tried to smoke (he ended up choking on his first cigarette and that experience was enough to scar him for life). Hell, he’d been the one to give Daphne and Eloise their first drink when the two sisters were just fourteen and fifteen (Penelope had declined - she’d seen the effects of alcohol on her father and resolved to never touch the stuff).
But while other popular kids spent their time snogging, fingering or generally getting off with each other during parties, Colin never engaged in that sort of thing. Especially if Daphne and Eloise were at the same event too. He would still have fun and drink a little, play around with his mates, but otherwise, he kept a level head.
Penelope always thought it was because Colin had seen first-hand what having too much fun could do to him. His two older brothers had been uncontrollable when they were his age. Anthony used sex and alcohol to cope with the death of Edmund Bridgerton, their beloved father. Now, Anthony was a respected member of the House of Lords, in addition to chairing the charity foundation that he founded as a tribute to the departed patriarch, but even Penelope could remember the early days. She doubted that she would ever forget the sight of a pale and pallid Anthony Bridgerton slumped over on a couch through a door that had been left slightly ajar as she made her way through Bridgerton House with Eloise.
And Benedict hadn’t fared any better. He followed his older brother’s lead, but when he arrived in art school, his habit grew worse and worse. His dependency on alcohol became alarming, to the point where even Hyacinth, the youngest Bridgerton who was only four at the time, had started to notice that something was off with her second oldest brother. It took some doing, but Benedict finally admitted that he needed help. He was now a renowned artist, several of his pieces having been showcased at various elite galleries, but he never shied from his past as an alcoholic - he even took inspiration from it sometimes. Penelope suspected it was the artist in him that allowed him to so readily embrace what Anthony considered an embarrassing low point in their lives.
The effect Anthony’s and Benedict’s struggles had on Colin was transparent to anyone who knew him. Which was why it was such a surprise when he made Marina Thompson his first girlfriend after meeting her only two weeks before.
“A cute citrus fruit is still a citrus fruit, Colin,” she pointed out, before the silence between them stretched too long. “We wouldn’t have any uniforms to save me, so I had to change my wardrobe before anyone tried to make orange juice out of me.”
“Look on the bright side, Pen,” he said, giving her a cheeky smile. “At least there was no chance of a car hitting you when you went out at night.”
Penelope snorted with laughter. “You’re a prick,” she said.
“I do mean it, though,” he said as they paused at a red light. He turned to her, giving her a once over that made her cheeks heat. “You carry yourself differently in these clothes. Like you have more confidence.” The light turned green and he started driving again. “It’s nice to see.”
Penelope swallowed hard, wondering how on Earth she was supposed to respond to that. She tried a nonchalant shrug. “Fake it till you make it, right?”
His brows furrowed. “You don’t have to fake anything, Pen.” Then a grin stretched wide over his face, his lip twitching at the corners. “You are and have always been… Pen-ough.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
Despite her apparent disdain for his joke, she still couldn't help but giggle at the pleased smile on his face.
The rest of the drive went by quickly as they chatted. Colin shared his anxieties about A-Levels and completing his EPQ, while Penelope assured him that his status as a nepo baby guaranteed him a spot at either Oxbridge university anyway. Colin had punished her for her cheek by lowering the temperature and putting the fans on full blast.
When Colin finally parked the car in front of Bridgerton House (after Penelope insisted it was ridiculous to drop her off when they lived opposite each other), Penelope’s heart was filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling. She hadn’t realised how much she truly missed Colin’s company, especially after she’d resolved to distance herself from him and Marina.
And speaking of Marina, there she was. On the steps of Bridgerton House, her arms folded, lips pursed and nostrils flared as she trained her glare firstly on Colin, before her eyes landed on Penelope.
“You drove her home? Are you serious?” she exploded, climbing down the steps and storming over, her heels making loud clacks against the pavement.
Colin sighed, suddenly looking exhausted. It was a stark difference from the lighthearted demeanour he always carried around Penelope.
“Um,” said Penelope, not quite knowing what to say but not wanting to stay for what seemed to be a lovers’ quarrel. She looked at Marina, who was still glaring furiously at the both of them, and turned to Colin. “I’m just- I’m gonna- I’ll just go now. Thanks for the ride, Colin.”
“Anytime, Pen,” he said softly, but the expression on his face was genuine.
Penelope scrunched up her nose as she gave him a doubtful look, tilting her head towards his seething girlfriend. “Not anytime, apparently.”
He reached out for her arm, ignoring the sound of outrage that escaped Marina. “No. I mean it.” He held her gaze and gave her arm a light, assuring squeeze. “Anytime.”
Penelope stared up at him for a few moments before nodding, giving him what she hoped was a smile that conveyed how grateful she was for his offer and yet how sorry she was that he would have to deal with Marina on his own.
As she walked off, she heard Colin speak again.
“Come on, Marina, I’ll drive you home.”
“Colin, I waited almost an hour for you here, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Then what do you expect me to do? Just hang around in front of my house like this?”
“Invite me in! Obviously!”
“You know I can’t do that when Hyacinth and Gregory are home…”
Their voices trailed off as Penelope walked towards her house, fingers tucked into the strap of her backpack. She felt slight guilt that she was the reason why Colin was rowing with Marina, but she had absolutely no desire to explain to her cousin that her boyfriend was just being nice.
Before she went to bed later that night, she pulled up a chat with Colin.
Pen: hey, just wanted to say i hope that marina didnt give you such a hard time. im sorry if she did.
Pen’s nickname has been changed to you are PENOUGH
you are PENOUGH: seriously?
you are PENOUGH: why are you like thisthe colinator: a question that has been asked many times by many people
Reply to ‘hey, just wanted to say…’
the colinator: dont worry about it.you are PENOUGH: really?
the colinator: yeah, we worked it out
you are PENOUGH: oh
you are PENOUGH: that’s really great!
you are PENOUGH: im glad she came aroundthe colinator: yeah
you are PENOUGH: okay well
you are PENOUGH: see you on mondaythe colinator: not going to el’s protest?
you are PENOUGH: not really my scene
you are PENOUGH: and i’ve got a hot datethe colinator: you do???
you are PENOUGH: yeah
you are PENOUGH: with my books
you are PENOUGH: 🤪🤪🤪the colinator: … of course lmfao
the colinator: well, have fun with your books
the colinator: catch you on monday
the colinator: and remember that you’re always
the colinator: penoughyou are PENOUGH: fuck off, goodnight
Over the next three weeks, Penelope settled into an easy routine. She ate with Eloise and her new friends once a week in the canteen, steadfastly ignoring Colin and Marina, who were sat with a group of football players right in the middle of the room. She spent the rest of the week eating lunch on her own in the common room, the bustle of the other sixth formers serving as white noise as she got on with her schoolwork. On Mondays, during free period, Theo would accompany her; it was the only free period she didn’t share with Eloise.
On weekends, Penelope spent time with Felicity, watching reruns of different old sitcoms. They’d just finished watching episodes of The IT Crowd and were now making their way through The Golden Girls. They were settled on the sofa, hugging cushions to their chest as they tucked into a fresh batch of popcorn.
“Is this really what you’re planning to do the entire weekend?” asked Felicity suddenly, as the TV audience laughed uproariously at another smart quip from Dorothy.
Penelope looked at her younger sister in surprise. “What?”
Felicity shot her a look before grabbing another fistful of popcorn and shoving it into her mouth. “I’m just saying, P. This is the third weekend that you’re spending here with me, watching a show and reading your books.”
Penelope’s brow furrowed. “Is that… judgement I’m sensing from you?”
“Yes,” said the eleven year old bluntly, her eyebrows raised. “Why aren’t you out with El or something?”
“Because she’s planning a protest with her friends. Something about climate change,” said Penelope, flopping back down onto the sofa.
“So why don’t you join her?”
“Because I’d feel like I’m imposing or something,” mumbled Penelope, shrugging a little as she avoided her sister’s gaze. “Her friends know about Father, the bills he voted for. You know I won’t go where I’m not wanted, Fel.”
“What about Colin?”
“What about him?” asked Penelope irritably.
“I bet he invites you to parties and stuff,” said Felicity. “Why not hang out with him?”
“I’d have to hang out with Marina, too,” reminded Penelope, watching as Felicity scrunched her face in disgust. It was lovely to have a common enemy. “And why are you so interested in my social life?”
“You have no social life to be interested in,” snorted Felicity, and Penelope barely contained the urge to hit her on the backside with a cushion. “No offence, P, but I turned down five invites in three weeks to be here with you.”
“And how many invites were from Hyacinth Bridgerton?”
“Only two,” the younger girl shot back. Penelope rolled her eyes in amusement. “Don’t give me that look. I’ve got invites, at the very least. And you’re just here, with your younger sister, or off in your room engaging in your parasocial relationships.”
Penelope raised an eyebrow at her. “You need to get off TikTok,” she said.
“A fictional character isn’t going to hang out with you. Just saying,” shrugged the girl, leaning back onto the sofa. “You’re in sixth form now. Have some fun or something.”
“I have fun!” sputtered Penelope indignantly, frowning. Felicity gave her a look and she pursed her lips. “Is this really how you wanna talk to me after asking for help with your bake sale?”
“Yes,” nodded Felicity, giving her a cheeky smile. “Because you’re nice and you’ll help me anyway, and because you like Hy and you won’t wanna disappoint her.”
Penelope grumbled, snatching the bowl of popcorn from her sister. She was right, of course.
The following week started off quite normally. Theo joined her in the almost empty common room, holding a plastic container of seedless grapes.
“I thought you only ate naturally-grown grapes,” said Penelope, tilting her head at him.
“I only did that to impress El,” he shrugged. He popped another one into his mouth and nudged the container towards her, offering her some. “No need for that anymore, so.” He grimaced before nodding at the book in her hands. “What are you reading today?”
“It’s a bookTok recommendation,” said Penelope, handing the book over to him. “I’m trying out the dark romance genre, but I’m not sure it’s for me, really.”
Theo raised an eyebrow at the summary on the back of the book, pressing his lips together to suppress a laugh. “A mafia billionaire kidnapping a woman he had a one night stand with and forcing her to fall in love with him?” The corners of his mouth twitched and Penelope looked away, ears turning red. “Really, Penny?”
Her cheeks burned as she snatched the book back from him. “Shut up,” she grumbled. “I told you, I’m trying something new.”
“Listen, so- I was thinking,” he started, dark brown eyes still shining with amusement. “There’s one of those book fairs happening near Kensington, they’re selling all sorts of fiction.” He gave her a hopeful grin. “Any chance you’re interested?”
“Yes, of course!” agreed Penelope brightly. “I can even take Felicity, she’s been hounding me for more-”
“Oh, well,” interrupted Theo, planting his elbows on the table and leaning towards her. “I was kind of hoping it would just be the two of us.”
Penelope’s eyebrows rose to her hairline. “What?”
“I like hanging out with you,” he said simply. There was no bashfulness in his behaviour but Penelope could feel herself getting warm all over as her mind raced. “Before El and I got together, it was always the three of us, but now I feel like we’ve grown a little closer and-”
“Theo, stop,” said Penelope firmly. Her eyes grew wide as she stared at him. “This- this book fair thing,” she swallowed hard, her eyebrows furrowing. “You’re inviting me as a friend, right? Just a friend?”
Theo hesitated, and that was all Penelope needed to start gathering up her things in a hurry.
“Seriously?” she asked softly, disbelief clouding her features. “Don’t do this, Theo. Please.”
Theo stared up at her, mouth open and eyes wide, but he seemed unable to speak. Penelope shook her head at him and left.
Things were awkward after that. She and Theo shared a class - luckily, that class was with Eloise, which meant that she could avoid him for the rest of the day. But it was a double-edged sword, because being with Eloise meant that she struggled not to spill the secret that her ex-boyfriend wished to date her best friend a mere month after their breakup.
Theo resorted to blowing up her phone with frantic messages, but Penelope could not bring herself to read any of them, choosing instead to mute her chat with him. When she got back that night, she locked herself in her room and spied the hatbox that sat on the top shelf of her wardrobe, mocking her with its contents and reminding her that once upon a time, she would have been delighted that Theo had asked her out on a date.
But a part of her - a huge, magnificent part of her that still felt immeasurable loyalty towards Eloise - felt like she was betraying her best friend. So she reached up on her tiptoes and pushed the hatbox further inside her wardrobe until it was out of sight, determined not to think about it anymore.
And that worked - for twelve whole hours.
And then it was time for lunch with Eloise and her friends. Penelope was making her way towards the canteen after class when she spotted Theo stalking down the hallway opposite her, a look of grim determination on his face. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion until she realised that he was looking directly at her, and alarm bells immediately went off in her head.
Her gaze fell on his hand, which was clutching a lime green envelope with glittery silver lettering on the outside, and her mouth dropped in shock as she started backing away.
“Penelope!” called Theo loudly.
She turned and ran. She ran until she was huffing and puffing, cursing herself for choosing to wear a slip dress that most definitely did not contain her boobs well enough for a sudden escape. The thick black boots she wore made her heavy steps easy to follow and she cringed as she glanced over her shoulder to see Theo still chasing her.
“Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck,” she muttered under her breath, picking up her pace.
She turned a corner, her red curls flying around and obscuring her vision as she collided into what felt like a brick wall, until said brick wall fell over and she was suddenly rolling around on the ground, students jumping away suddenly and shouting vulgarities in surprise.
“What in the fresh fucking hell- Pen?”
And then Penelope found herself underneath Colin Bridgerton, who was staring at her with wide eyes. He felt warm on top of her as he panted, his breath hitting her face. She was almost relieved to find that it wasn’t some stranger she had knocked into - even more relieved when Theo caught her gaze a moment later, and she realised that her hands had wormed their way around Colin’s neck.
“Oh, fuck. I’m so sorry, Colin, are you alright?” she apologised frantically, looking away from Theo as she ducked her head to examine Colin’s injuries. “I wasn’t looking where I was going, fuck, I’m really sorry.”
“Hey, hey,” soothed Colin, looking down at her with worry. “It’s no problem. I was just looking for you, actually.”
Then she realised he was still on top of her. Why was he still on top of her?
“Oh?” she asked dumbly.
“Yeah, um,” he muttered, before finally helping her to her feet. He dug around in his pocket and Penelope felt the same alarm bells start ringing in her head once again. “I think it’s adorable that you- you think that my eyes are a remarkable shade of blue and that, um, they shine brighter when I’m kind…”
His voice started fading as Penelope watched him pull an identical lime green envelope covered in her handwriting from his pocket, and her vision turned hazy as Colin kept talking, seemingly oblivious to the way her heart was pounding and her head was spinning uncontrollably.
She felt herself sway on the spot before everything went black.