Chapter Text
“You know, we could have easily paid her for the coffee if you just asked.” I hear Charmander comment as we continue our path back to the town.
Waaa, if only you asked us waa waa waaaa. I mock mentally as I rub the tip of my head which still hurts a bit including my pride.
I haven’t even been here ONE day and I already made myself look like a complete doofus. Getting myself stuck between some rocks after tripping and rolling down a hill. Way to go. But this time It wasn’t my dinky ass legs that betrayed me, surprisingly enough. No, it was because of something else. Something I didn’t even notice until now. My damn cape. Yes, a freaking cape. For some reason, this body has two scarf-like capes attached directly to its shoulders. It also doesn’t help that they are long enough for them to constantly drag along the ground wherever. Which heavily increases the chances for them to get caught by something. Like someone’s legs for example.
Why do I have these? Having those would be fine If they were just clothing. Which, as I stated earlier, are not. They are literally part of my body which is…why? I just know these things will give me issues down the line. In fact, I will even BET money on the possibility that at some point these things are going to get themselves stuck in something which will either put me into an awkward situation or perhaps even get me killed . Which in hindsight might not be such a bad idea right now. But I digress. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there, but for now, I have them wrapped around my neck like an actual pair of scarves to prevent further accidents and to allow myself just a little bit more decency.
Because I also just realized that I’m fucking naked too.
“Hey look, Caterpie was right. Everyone is already gathered around team A.C.T at the town square. Come on, let's pick up the pace!” I hear Charmander call out which removes me from my internal rant.
I never got the chance to call back my psychiatrist to maybe talk about this little quirk of mine, and at this point I’ll probably never will. Which works for me because that asshole is charging his sessions by the minute and not per hour, which is outrageous.
So good fucking riddance.
The big yellow dude standing at the center was already talking when we finally joined the crowd. It's nice to no longer be the center of attention. I mean how can I when standing just behind him is a big green dinosaur-looking thing with spikes protruding from its back and standing next to that we have a big orange DRAGON, with its tail on fire similar to Charmander’s next to me. I think they're related. Actually I do remember from back in the day that Pokémon can do this thing which allows them to grow into bigger and badder versions of one another. I think this is what I’m seeing right here. How Charmander will look like past his puberty.
Do Pokémon even go through puberty? I hope not. Humans going through puberty is already bad enough. Imagine a super-powered animal with the ability to spew fire or cause earthquakes going through puberty. It'll be pandemonium, specifically for the parents.
Poor bastards.
“…so wait…does this mean you guys failed the mission?” I hear someone ask with a tone of disbelief behind their voice. One I can’t see because I’m small, and it sucks, and there is a big pink blob with bunny ears blocking my view alongside a few others.
Can you all please move out of the way so that I can also SEE what the commotion is all about?
No consideration for the little guys. For fuck sake.
“Wait. Team A.C.T failing a mission? That is almost unheard of!” I hear another one react quickly after, which is immediately followed by a new wave of whispers and gossip from the crowd.
“But A.C.T are the best right? So how can they fail?
“They might be one of the best teams around but even the best can fail sometimes.”
“Wait, that doesn’t make sense. If they are the best then how can they fail?
“Hey, does anyone want to hear a funny joke?” Are some of the reactions I can pick out.
“Uhm…what’s going on here?” Squirtle asks while looking at the crowd in front of him in confusion.
Seriously? Are you now deaf too?
Well, at least his stupid question was enough to get the attention of one of the onlookers, who happened to be the big brown dinosaur/kangaroo mama from earlier—this time with a kid inside her belly pouch that looks exactly like her. Only gray and obviously a lot smaller. Which means….
“HA, I KNEW IT! I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! She actually IS a big dinosaur mama kangaroo hybrid thing. Before it was just a guess but now it has been 100 percent confirmed with the presence of a kid inside her pouch. GOD I love It when I am right.” I state while feeling quite pleased with myself, unaware that everyone around me is now staring at me.
Including the aforementioned dinosaur mama kangaroo thing I was talking about.
“Uh…excuse me?” She reacts while giving me a rather weird look. A mix of shock, bewilderment, and feeling a bit offended, all at the same time. Something I’ve only seen once before when I told a “particularly difficult” customer that she could take her complaints and shove it up her dead grandma’s ass for all I cared. I think her name was Karen. But I could also be misremembering her name. Ah who cares? Because the end point was that she fainted afterwards after speed-running through the 5 stages of grief, followed by an ambulance. That was quite a day, I didn’t even get into trouble for chewing out a customer, because apparently, she was being a royal pain in the ass for the customer support team, even the head executive himself. So in the end all went well, and I even gained a hefty pay bonus for apparently standing up to that “witch” and was even granted the rest of the day off.
That was one of the best days I had at my job so far. Good times, good times.
“Mom? Why is he just standing with that funny look?”
“I don’t know but…he is just…staring off into space after with a strange smile. Is…is your friend alright?” I heard ‘big dinosaur mama kangaroo thing’ ask with concern, which brought me back to reality.
“We…don’t…know. But I am starting to get worried as well. This doesn’t seem normal.” I hear Chikorita reply.
I blink. “What? Oh yeah no I just lost it though, anyway eh what's going on?” I ask too quickly to move the subject.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot!” Chikorita perks after realizing that herself. “ So uhm, what exactly is going on Miss Kangaskhan? What’s with all the commotion?” She asks after getting back on topic.
“Well…” The now dubbed Kangaskhan starts which sounds like a certain Mongolian warlord. “… It’s about Team A.C.T and the possibility that they failed a mission.” She explains which leaves me cold. I mean what’s the big deal? Everyone fails, it's part of life. So why is everyone acting so flabbergasted when a team made of a dinosaur, a dragon, and a yellow guy with a goat head for a face has failed an assignment?
Well, Charmander thinks it’s a big deal as his eyes go wide. “Wait what? Team A.C.T. failed a mission? That’s something I’ve never heard of or at least as far as I can remember.” He reacts before scratching his head. “Hey Chika, do you remember ever hearing about Team A.C.T failing a mission?” He asks his female counterpart.
She shakes her head. “Not that I’m aware of, to be honest.” She replies.
I scoot closer to Squirtle before whispering. “Hey, what’s the deal with this A.C.T. stuff?” I ask in a hushed tone.
“They are one of the best Rescue Teams around. True experts in their craft. They are known to always take on the most dangerous missions out there. Though I have to be honest, I don’t really know much about them other than the fact that they once tried to hunt us down when me, Chika, and Charmander were labeled as criminals many months back.” He explains which quickly makes me raise an eyebrow at that last sentence.
“Criminals? You three used to be criminals? Pff. Hard to believe. You're just kids.” I react with a dismissive wave.
“We-well it's a bit of a story, to be honest, a-and one I won’t get into details right now. Ask me again another time.” He replies while rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Also we're not kids, ok?” He then quickly argues while losing his awkward demeanor.
“Press X to doubt,” I reply out loud.
“Press X to doubt? What does that mean?” He asks while tilting his head.
“Ask me again another time,” I repeat while crossing my arms.
Squirtle’s just reacts with a deadpan look.
“… you’re saying that the cave was completely empty then? No Pokemon in sight?” I heard someone ask right after I decided to once again pay attention to whatever was going on around us.
At this point, Genghis Khan had stepped aside to at least give us a good enough view of the three Pokémon who are the talk of the town: the aforementioned dinosaur, Charmander’s cooler cousin, and mister goat, who nodded to the previously asked question.
“Yes, correct. It sounds strange but it was true. We couldn’t find Jirachi no matter where we looked or went. The entire dungeon was just completely deserted. There weren't even any wild Pokémon along the way to stop us on our path. It was truly strange.” He explains while stroking his long-ass mustache. Looking thoughtful.
“Wait, did you say Jirachi?” Someone asks, this time I can actually make out who did it, which was some green-looking gremlin with a beak for a mouth and a Lilypad resting on its head like a hat. That is the best way I can describe it.
Either way the yellow goat face nods. “Yes, why?” He asks while looking at him.
“Well, that’s because we have a Jirachi right here.” He confesses.
Shit! I curse to myself as I prepare myself to become the center of attention once more.
“Did you say ‘A’ Jirachi? That is ridiculous, there is only one Jirachi and they are…” he pauses as his eyes suddenly fall on me for the first time. He froze. Yup, that is the look of a person who’s just seen a ghost for the first time. But…why. Am I really that ugly, am I really that weird looking even to these Pokémon’s with my big ass head and my tiny ass torso and limp? Granted I’ve seen worse but the way I look just defies all forms of science and biology I know of. How is my body not collapsing under its own weight, unless I weigh nothing? Well, that can’t be true because I did create a sizable chunk of surface damage to that rock I rolled into earlier. Like cracks and stuff. Which raises a lot of questions on its own but let's just focus on one thing at a time. The fact that I seem to have enough “mass” to cause a rock to crack removes my weightlessness hypothesis from earlier. Which should mean…
“Wait…your…Jirachi…right?” I suddenly hear him ask which, once again, for the umpteenth time of the day, removed me from my train of thought.
“Can you be quiet for just a moment? I am trying to do science here.” I state while tapping against my thick skull. In fact, it feels like metal the more I tap against it.
“N-no your Jirachi. The one we’ve been trying to find in Wish Cave. Bu-but how? Wh-why are you out here in all places? Here in Pokémon Square?” He asks, looking completely baffled.
“For one…”I state while raising my index finger” this plaza place isn’t a Square it is actually a circle, and two…”I raise a second finger. “ I don’t know why I’m here either. So your guess is as good as mine.” I reply before lowering my arm back to its original position. That being crossed in front of my chest.
“Actually…” Squirtle steps in. “ He is a human.” He calls out while casually pointing a thumb in my general direction.
“W-wait a HUMAN?!” All three of them react in unison which I find rather funny.
The yellow one shakes his head in an attempt to break his stupor. “A Human…” He muses. “That actually makes sense now.” He comments while scratching his head with a spoon. Oh yeah, did I already mention that he is holding a spoon in each hand? Very important information I know and one I shall now banish into the deepest depths of my mind because I already have enough questions as it is.
Curse you human curiosity!
The big orange dragon blinks before also shaking his head. “How does this make sense?” He asks.
“The fact that Jirachi is missing, and now we have another human right in front of us looking just like them. There might be a connection.” He theorizes while again looking thoughtful.
“HA, I KNEW IT!” The guy with the lily pad for a hat suddenly exclaims. “We are about to face another disaster, because of him. I knew it. I BLOODY WELL knew it!” He shouts while pointing a claw at me.
So it was HIM who spurred up the crowd earlier. Why I outta…
“Whoa, whoa calm down. No need to jump to conclusions like that. Remember what happened last time when we falsely believed that Squirtle was the cause of all of our woes? So let's not make the same mistake twice.” He points out.
Squirtle shifts a bit awkwardly after hearing that.
The hell did they accuse him of?
“So please let us all calm down. Especially YOU Lombre.” He points a spoon at the lily pad-wearing dick head in question.
Good, now I have a name to add to my “shit list”.
The goat man sighs. “Anyway, back on topic.” He declares before returning his attention back on me. “So, you're a human, correct?” He asks.
“I mean last time I checked -which was last night by the way- I was 1.76 meters tall -or 5 foot 8 for you Americans out there since everyone speaks English here for some reason- human until I suddenly woke up in the middle of nowhere looking like this. Big head, small body, and with no facial hair. An absolute nightmare if you ask me.” I state before crossing my arms.
“What? You mean you turned into a Pokémon?” He wonders.
“No!” I counter. “For me to lose all of my facial hair. Do you have ANY idea how much time I spend trimming it the previous day to make it look just right? All of that effort down the FFFFUCKING DRAIN!” I swore, which made a couple of Pokemon flinch.
“ *gasp* Don’t swear like that! There are children nearby!” Genghis Khan scolds while stuffing her kid into her pouch to shield him from my foul words. I think it's already too late. Also, I doubt a flap of skin can block out sound but what do I do know? I’m just an HR accountant, not a biologist, even though I tried to do science and biology before.
Eh it’s the effort that counts.
Either way back on topic.
“So, I heard you're pretty smart, yes?” I ask while focusing back at the Spoon Man.
He blinks. “Ye-yes, but let me warn you, my knowledge simply comes from experience and the places I’ve seen and heard about. ”He explains.
I nod. “Ok, so do you maybe know if it's possible for someone like me to return home? Because I would really love to get back home for obvious reasons.” I ask, once again going straight to the point.
He pauses before shaking his head. “I’m sorry. But if I knew then I would have already informed Squirtle over here of such a possibility. So no, no I don’t know if it is possible for you to return home. I am not aware of such a thing. So again, I’m sorry.” He apologizes.
“Welp…guess I am stuck here then,” I reply with disappointment.
Verdammt. Was jetzt?
“There, there. It's not that bad.” Squirtle tries to reassure me while patting me on my back.
“Not so bad. NOT SO BA…” I quickly stop myself.
Remember, he's just a kid. So calm down. I think to myself while quickly regaining my composure.
“Hold on.” Chikorita suddenly calls out. “What about the real Jirachi then? What happened to them?” She asks while looking up at him.
“Good question...” He muses while rubbing his chin.
“Hey, I have an idea.” Charmander suddenly bursts out. “Why don’t we help along to solve this mystery? How about that? Could be a nice break from just doing rescue missions all the time…N-not that doing rescue missions is bad of course.” He laughs awkwardly while rubbing the back of his head.
“I think you could have worded that a bit better.” Squirtle comments while looking at his elemental counterpart.
“Yeah, I know.” Char sighs.
Wait, did I just give him a nickname? Why? Where the fuck did that come from? Don’t tell me I am already becoming cordial with these three. I hardly even know them. I think to myself before shaking my big ass head.
I have had enough of this.
“Well, since there is nothing left for me to do here, I guess I’ll be going.” I declare before turning on my nonexistent heels.
I was about to leave before the voice of the yellow guy stopped me.
“Wait.” I hear him call out. “You could help though.” He states which makes me pause.
I turn around. “Help? Help with what?” I respond while raising an eyebrow.
Do I even have eyebrows?
“Well, to help us figure out what happened to Jirachi. As I mentioned earlier, you suddenly arriving and Jirachi going missing might be more than just a coincidence.” He explains.
“Wait, seriously?” I respond in disbelief.” You are asking ME, a complete stranger you’ve never met, whose an alien to this world mind you, to help you find a missing person? Are you MAD? Can’t you tell that I am already battling my own problems? Like being STUCK HERE? So WHY, or better yet HOW am I supposed to help? I don’t even know what to call you.” I argue, finding it absolutely ridiculous that he would even consider asking ME for help.
Isn’t he supposed to be smart, or were Charmander and the others just bullshiting me?
He sighs. “I know, asking something like this to a stranger is odd, I admit. But you being here and looking exactly like Jirachi can’t be a coincidence. There has to be more to it than that.” He points out. “Oh and my apologies, I should have probably introduced myself first before even asking you for help.” He points at himself.” I am Alakazam, leader of Team A.C.T, and these two are my fellow teammates and friends. Charizard…” He gestures at the big orange dragon to his right who nods. “…and Tyranitar.” He gestures to the big green dinosaur to his left who smiles.
Well that’s great, at least now I know what to call them, which in turn, doesn’t help me AT ALL ! At least tell me how I can get off this planet and I might actually give a shit. But then again, what exactly am I supposed to do? I have no leads, no ideas no…nothing. All I have is a big ass head filled with unnecessary baggage. Both mentally and emotionally.
“Hey wait, I have an idea.” Charmander once again calls out.
“Another one?” Chikorita asks with a raised eyebrow.
Wait, she doesn’t even have eyebrows.
Unnecessary questions aside, Charmander nods. “Yup, I was thinking. Why don’t we allow Christoph to join our rescue team? Together we can then not only find out what happened to Jirachi, but maybe also find a way to get him back to the human world. Don’t you two agree?” He asks while looking in between his two comrades for any form of confirmation.
Chika smiles. “Yeah, that could work. I mean we saved the world once so going on a simple mystery hunt shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Plus we will get to see more of what the world has to offer!” She states, her voice filled with excitement.
“I agree, plus I won’t be the only human in the team anymore. Isn’t that right?” Squirtle’s comments while nudging me a bit with his elbow.
You do know I am 32 right?
“Plus, who can claim they have a mythical Pokémon part of their team? That alone would be awesome. Just think about it.” Charmander adds.
Oh, so I am just a trophy now am I? A status symbol? Something to brag about? Great, I don’t know if I should be feeling offended by this or not?
You know what, I’m going to ignore it for now in favor of not losing my mind. Even I have limits. I think to myself while pressing my lips together in defiance.
“Hmmm, that is honestly not a bad idea.” I hear Alakazam chime, forcing me to look back at him. “It can give you something to do. Plus you can learn a thing or two about being a Pokémon” He explains.
“Being a Pokémon? What part of me being human didn’t you understand.” I argued back.
“Aw come on. Being a Pokémon isn’t half bad. You’ll get to use so many cool moves and abilities. Trust me, you’ll get used to it pretty quickly.” Squirtle adds while flashing me a confident smile.
“And what if I DON’T want to get used to it huh?” I again argue.
Alakazam sighs. “Just go with them will ya? You won't find the answers you seek if you do this alone. You’re going to need a team. Pokémon you can rely on and trust. I’m not sure how things work in the human world, but here, going out into the wilderness alone, especially with no combat skills is going to be rough, if not foolish. So please, don’t be so stubborn” He patiently explains.
I was about to open my mouth before I realized he was right. As painful as it feels to admit that. Mentally I mean. I’m not going to say that out loud to protect what little ounce of independence I have left. Not that I had much left of it to begin with, sitting my years away as the middleman of a multinational company.
Ah fuck it.
“FINE!” I exclaim while throwing my arms up. “I’ll join your team.”
“Heck yeah!” Charmander exclaims while pumping his fist with excitement.
“Yeah, welcome to Team Go-Getters!” Chikorita adds just as excitedly.
“Great…do I need to sign some papers or…?” I pause.
“Nope, that’s it. That’s exactly how these two recruited me when we first met.” Squirtle replies.
“Huh.” I react.
“Sooo…joining this “Rescue Team” business? “I ask with air quotes.” Does it involve us erupting into random fits of singing and overcoming impossible odds with the power of friendship?” I ask with a sarcastic tone.
Chiko tilts her head. “Uh…No? But working together as friends is an important element.” She replies, looking a bit confused.
I shrug. “Eh, One out of two isn’t that bad. I can work with that.” I replied.
“Oook?” Chikorita reacts” Anyway…” She began with Charmander and Squirtle quickly joining her side.
Oh no not his shit again.
“WE ARE TEAM GO-GETTERS! RESCUE TEAM EXTRAORDINAIRE! WE SAVE EM’ ALL, BIG AND SMALL! AND WE WELCOME YOU TO BE PART OF OUR TEAM! TEAM GO-GETTERS!” They all strike a pose.
"AAAAH THE CRINGE! IT HURTS!!!"
I am suddenly having second thoughts.