final toll

by vflower_s

Summary:

Back then, they were nothing. If they disappeared, no one would wonder where they went. If they slept, their dreams would be filled with sparkles and glitter and no regrets.

This time it is so much worse.

This time, they have everything to lose.

“It’s so bad.” Their voice is nothing more than a whimper. “Oh, it’s so bad.”

To be, or not to be. To sleep. To disappear.

All Mizuki has ever done is run away. This time, they run until no one can catch them anymore.

Notes:

yes. spoilers.
i can’t wait a million weeks to the next niigo event i need it NOW i need it NOW NOW NOW

Chapter 1: To die, to sleep;

To be or not to be.

 

Mizuki ponders this as they lay on the stark cold floor. 

 

They can’t get up. After their conversation with…

 

They ran away. Away from change. Away from expectations. Away from reality. Away from those (shocked, wide, wide, wide) eyes. 

 

After playing Untitled, the world shattered into a landscape of silver shards and their body collapsed beneath them. 

 

Legs twitching uselessly, Mizuki curls into themself. They scream at the floor, nails digging harsh crescents into their soft skin. They can’t breathe, they can’t breath they can’t breathe, only screaming spitting sobs that wrack their whole body, shaking them from head to toe. Their hands are numb, their head is heavy, and everything is just so painful. Their skin feels like fire, their ribcage set to explode. It feels endless.

 

Eventually, Mizuki’s body grew too tired to cry. Instead, they heave empty sobs, chest convulsing in harsh, painful movements.

 

How easy would it be to not be anymore?

 

They let themself fully sprawl prone onto the floor. The cool chrome is soothing against the burning feeling in their legs and their sore face.

 

It’s always so peaceful in the SEKAI. Only the soft ripples of water currents give off any sound. 

 

Back and forth.

 

Breathe in.

 

Breath out. 

 

“Everything will be ok.” Yuuki murmured, lips soft against their forehead.

 

Mizuki shifts onto their side. They fold their hands under their head like a child ready for a nap. 

 

“Nothing is ok.” They whisper back. 

 

It was so painfully familiar. This feeling in their chest: just like back then. Those days of feeling hopeless. Of rotting aimlessly on their bed, in clinics, in the classroom. Those days when all they wanted to do was disappear. 

 

But at one point, it became easier to breathe. Sunny days of skipping school with a rooftop friend. A girl with stars in her hair that dragged them through the hallways. An online stranger, carrying a story with pages full of music that saved them. Lost, empty purple eyes that kept them motivated, eyes that they would give anything to spark light in. 

 

And her. Her. Mizuki’s searcher, who would wait at the end of the road just for them. 

 

Why can’t things just stay the same?

 

Back then, they were nothing. If they disappeared, no one would wonder where they went. If they slept, their dreams would be filled with sparkles and glitter and no regrets. 

 

This time it is so much worse.

 

This time, they have everything to lose. 

 

“It’s so bad.” Their voice is nothing more than a whimper. “Oh, it’s so bad.”   

 

It’s strange. Mizuki can’t even rationalize why they feel this way. Logically, they know that Ena would accept them, even if she didn’t understand. Mafuyu and Kanade as well. 

 

After saving Mafuyu, the four of them were closer than ever before…

 

Just thinking about it makes Mizuki’s stomach churn. What are they doing here? 

 

All they have ever done is run away. 

 

Mizuki thought they were ready. Finally, to stop in their tracks and look behind them. To let the others catch up. To let the others see them.

 

But Ena’s eyes…that look of surprise.

 

Everything changes. 

 

What they have worked so hard on these past years has come crashing down. When a building with a weak foundation topples over, what is left? Who will be there to pick up the pieces?

 

Kanade, Mafuyu, Ena will. With their kindness, they will pick Mizuki up and put them back together.

 

That kindness. They don’t deserve any of it. Not when they greedily hoard it, never giving back anything.

 

That kind of kindness. Ineffable. 

 

They just can’t accept it.

 

It would be so much easier to not exist , disappear , sleep -

 

“Say it for what it is,” Mizuki whispers aloud to themself. “You coward.”

 

To die—to sleep,

 

It would be so easy to sleep.

 

To run away, as they always do. As they always did—

 

The faint scent of cleaning products. Smooth tile against shins. Pills. One after the other. Swallow after swallow until there is nothing but that feeling stuck in the throat. School nurse. Speaking. Head buzzing. The sound of an ambulance. Paramedics. A police officer. Loaded onto a stretcher. IVs stuck into the arm. Emergency hospital room. Eyes screaming with fear. Those eyes. Shocked, wide, wide eyes. 

 

A warm hand holding theirs.

 

“Promise me you won’t do this again.” Her voice was shaking. 

 

This kindness. They don’t deserve any of it. They should just-

 

“H-hey, nee-chan,” Mizuki chokes out through mirthless giggles. “I’m suh, s-sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry.” 

 

In their hands, the name of action.

 

“I guess I’m not a coward.” They exhale. Despite Mizuki’s shaking hands and flimsy joints, they secure the tie on their left shoe. It is gently placed next to the other beside them. 

 

“Just the fool.”

The water is cold.

Notes:

stay tuned for chap 2 yall

Chapter 2: To sleep, perchance to dream.

Empty SEKAI is never this quiet. No faint white noise, no sound of water flowing, no electronic hum from the Vocaloids. 

 

Ena takes an experimental step. And another. The sound from her flats is muted as well. It’s unnerving. Ena can feel goosebumps begin to crawl up her arms.

 

“…Mizuki?” She calls softly. The atmosphere is suffocating. Ena makes fists of her shaking hands, her steps growing more frantic. They were here, right? 

 

They had to be. Ena wouldn’t, can’t take no for an answer. 

 

She has to hear it from them. She needs to right what was ripped away. Ena has questions, but first and foremost, she needs to see them. Alive and well. Or, at the very least, breathing next to her. 

 

Ena looks around, trying to catch a familiar lock of pink hair, or even the faint static sound of one of the Vocaloids. 

 

Nothing. 

 

She breathes in. 

 

And breathes out. 

 

She has to keep moving. She will find them, no matter how long it takes. 

 

The sky seems to grow dimmer the more she walks on. Now, the clouds are a sickly ash, looming over her head as she continues her search. Where were they?

 

“Mizuki?” Ena calls once again, louder this time. “Are you there? I…I-” 

 

She shakes her head, trying to dislodge her racing thoughts. Whatever she needs to say, she’ll say it when she sees them. 

 

It feels like hours. She’s roamed the strange concrete structures, walked all over the chrome floor. By now, she can’t tell where she’s looked and where she hasn’t. Everything seems the same, stretching on endlessly.

 

Ena rises from where she was trying to peak into a large concrete prism. Scanning the horizon, her eyes latch onto a door-like frame.

 

The lake is the only place she hasn’t been. 

 

“Please don’t tell me…oh no.” Ena squeezes her eyes shut. Her body is moving on autopilot, already heading in the direction of the waters. “Please. Please!”

 

Ena breaks into a run. The sound of her flats echo through her ears as she races across the landscape. 

 

“Mizuki!?” She screams, chest heaving as she reaches the edge of the lake.

 

“MIZUKI!”

A pair of pink sneakers lies at the shore.

 

A satin bow floats atop the inky water.

Notes:

to be or not to be. mizuki chose not to be.

Notes:

ominous bell tolling

i was literally at a con COSPLAYING MIZUKI the DAY MIZU5 DROPPED i was reading the translation OUT LOUD to my friend ON THE DRIVE THERE and they took like a MILLION WRONG TURNS because driving in that city is SO BAD

then day after the con i BOMBED my chem test and proceeded to analyze hamlet’s angst soliloquy. hilarious timing.