yours, unspoken (mine, forever)

by Anonymous

Summary:

Keeping his feelings for Mizi locked away was easy- though that was until the start of their second year in high school when she befriended a bunch of stupid, stupid rich kids. As if the disturbance of his peace due to the larger number of people who approached him on a regular basis wasn't enough (which he took like a good boy because they were Mizi's friends), one of them was certainly an annoying piece of shit.

Ivan, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes with the impossibly long ass eyelashes.

There was something about Ivan’s face that Till couldn’t stand: the way his eyes didn’t narrow when he smiled, the absence of laugh lines, and the sense that he was just too put together.

-

aka a high school AU where the gays are drowning in yearning, and the straights are toxic for each other.

Chapter 1: unshared heartbeats

Summary:

The noise of the hallway washed over him as he stepped inside, loud and overwhelming. He moved through the sea of students, feeling small and out of place, until he reached the door to his classroom. He hesitated for a moment before pushing it open. It was empty now, the desks still and the overhead lights buzzing quietly. Till’s footsteps echoed as he walked to his desk and grabbed his bag from the side of his desk.

He stood there for a moment, staring at the empty space that felt both familiar and foreign. This was the room where they’d shared so many moments- where Mizi would lean over and whisper some sarcastic comment when the teacher wasn’t looking, where they’d scribble notes back and forth when things got too boring to bear.

He didn’t want to be here. The noise, the buzz of conversations outside, the reminder of every time he and Mizi had sat together, whispering through boring classes. This room felt heavy with memories he wasn’t ready to face.

But where else could he go?   

 

Till, truly, loved Mizi.   

He cared for her with a warmth that reminded him of freshly brewed tea. It wasn’t that he preferred tea over other hot drinks (due to the pathetic amount of caffeine in it), but tea always left his stomach feeling warm and comforted, never overwhelming. It was like his body recognized the gentle warmth of something more than just hot water—a kind of reassurance that settled deep inside him. He wasn’t sure if that feeling was truly his or if it was because Mizi loved tea so much. But it didn’t matter, because the only thing that mattered was that Till loved Mizi.     

He didn’t mind going to bed hungry if it meant he could share Mizi's favorite dish with her. He didn’t care about getting scolded by his manager for stashing away bestselling sweets to buy later, sweets he knew she adored. He wouldn’t hesitate to risk his life for her if the world were invaded by aliens, though he was fairly certain that scenario wouldn’t happen.     

Till knew they were two sides of the same coin. Ever since he had first stepped into the orphanage, they had been inseparable. They understood each other, completed each other in ways nobody else ever could. Yet they were so… different.   

Mizi was a dreamer. She embraced her vulnerability, always looking for the good in things, and she wasn’t afraid to feel her emotions fully. Her open heartedness made her approachable and friendly to anyone she laid her eyes on. Till, on the other hand, was someone unwilling to acknowledge his feelings. Whenever he tried thinking about an emotion for longer than a minute, he would have an uncomfortable sensation wash over him. It felt as if his head was about to burst, his chest constricted, and his vision blurred until he thought he might throw up. Embracing his vulnerability was impossible when he couldn’t even relax with himself.   

Which was why he never told Mizi how warm she made him feel. Two sides of the same coin never faced the same way. Confessing would cause nothing but unbalance what they had.   

It is not like he was emotionless- he got frustrated at little things, like losing to younger kids at video games or failing to come up with a good rhyme when writing lyrics. He would show happiness whenever Mizi brought him a cup of tea and just sat beside him in silence. He would feel sadness about his lack of facial hair (being called a twink by another twink is not for the weak), envious of rich kids who never had to work part-time, anxious about exams, and disgusted by the toilets he would have to flush after the younger ones in the orphanage. It was when he lingered on these feelings that they overwhelmed him.   

Keeping his feelings for Mizi locked away was easy- though that was until the start of their second year in high school when she befriended a bunch of stupid, stupid rich kids. As if the disturbance of his peace due to the larger number of people who approached him on a regular basis wasn't enough (which he took like a good boy because they were Mizi's friends), one of them was certainly an annoying piece of shit.      

Ivan, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes with the impossibly long ass eyelashes.   

There was something about Ivan’s face that Till couldn’t stand: the way his eyes didn’t narrow when he smiled, the absence of laugh lines, and the sense that he was just too put together.     

Till always kept his distance to these "new friends", but was particularly careful towards Ivan. He didn’t need anyone else as long as he had Mizi anyways. Mizi was his world, his everything, his universe-   

 "You’re going to catch a cold sitting on concrete like that.”   

 Till looked up, startled. Standing above him was Ivan, smirking with that annoying snaggletooth.   

“The hell do you want?” Till muttered, his expression darkening as he sat up.   

 Ivan sighed and removed his jacket, laying it on the cold concrete before sitting down beside Till.   

“I didn’t feel like third-wheeling Mizi and Sua. If their cute little relationship makes me envy, I can’t imagine how you feel,” Ivan said, smirk widening.   

Till’s face flushed at the mention of Mizi. His heart quickened, his irritation rising.    

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Till snapped, crossing his arms defensively. His fingers twitched with impatience. Ivan always seemed to worm his way under Till’s skin, and it was infuriating.   

Ivan let out a long, slow sigh, his breath forming mist in the cold air. He looked up at the cloud-covered sky and shrugged. “It just seems like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” he said casually, a hint of amusement in his voice.   

“Yeah? And you don’t?” Till retorted, his frustration spilling over. He felt exposed, like Ivan could see right through him to the tangled mess of emotions he worked so hard to bury.   

Ivan’s smirk softened, just for a moment. “Oh, I do,” he said, tone suddenly serious. It was so out of character that Till wondered if he was looking at a stranger. But then the moment passed in a blink, and Ivan’s smirk returned. “But we’re not talking about me, are we? We’re talking about you, sulking out here in the cold because Mizi’s inside laughing with someone else.”   

Till’s jaw tightened. He wanted to argue, but the words stuck in his throat. Ivan wasn’t wrong, he was sulking, and the realization made him feel small.   

“Whatever,” Till muttered, looking away.    

“Come on,” Ivan said, voice almost kind. “Mizi’s not going to be best friends with Sua forever.” They will be more than best friends. Ivan had thought, but did not voice it.   

Till’s chest ached. He knew Ivan was right, Mizi was allowed to have other friends, but it didn’t make the feeling of unworthiness go away. She had always been his best friend, his constant. Seeing her so comfortable with someone else made him feel… unsteady.   

“Why do you even care?” Till asked, his voice barely more than a whisper.     

Ivan shifted beside him, the fabric of his coat rustling against the concrete. “Because” he said slowly, a hint of teasing in his voice, “it’s funny watching you get all worked up over something you won’t even admit to yourself.”   

Till’s heart skipped a beat, and he glared at Ivan. Ivan’s eyes gleamed with a kind of infuriating amusement, making Till’s blood boil.     

“You don’t know anything about me,” Till said, voice low and cold. He wanted to push Ivan away, to make him leave, but he was frozen in place.     

Ivan just shrugged, stood up, and dusted off his pants. “Maybe not,” he said, “but I know what I see. And I see someone who’s too scared to be honest.”   

Till’s throat tightened. He opened his mouth to respond, but the words wouldn’t come. He hated how much truth there was in Ivan’s words, hated that he felt seen, even if it was by someone he didn’t want to notice.   

“Think about it,” Ivan said, slipping his jacket back on and turning to leave. “Mizi’s not going to be yours forever.” He gave a lazy wave as he walked away, leaving Till in the empty courtyard.   

Till watched Ivan disappear down the path, the knot of emotions in his chest tightening until it felt like he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to shout after him, to tell him he was wrong- that he didn’t understand anything . But the words caught in his throat, frozen, as Ivan’s figure grew smaller and smaller until it vanished entirely.   

The courtyard felt emptier than ever. The cold seeped deeper into Till’s skin, and the distant sounds of laughter from inside the school seemed far away, like another world he no longer belonged to. He rubbed his arms, trying to push the chill away, but it lingered, clinging to him.   

His eyes stung. He blinked rapidly, forcing down the burning in his chest, swallowing the tangled mess of feelings before they could spill over. He wouldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry. Not here. Not now. Not over something like this.     

He took a deep breath, letting the cold air fill his lungs. It hurt, but the ache forced the emotions back down- somewhere deep and hidden where they wouldn’t show. Get a grip, he told himself, standing up on shaky legs. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and trudged back towards the school, his steps heavy and uncertain.     

But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something had broken, like he was watching the familiar pieces of his life shift and scatter, slipping out of his reach. He didn’t know how to stop it.   

Yet, he had to try. For Mizi, he had to hold on- even if his grip felt weak and uncertain. Maybe he’d figure out what it meant to be himself without burying everything away.   

Till didn’t go straight back inside. Instead, he drifted along the edges of the building, hugging the shadows just beyond the glow of the windows. The muffled laughter and chatter felt unreal, distant echoes of a life that seemed to be slipping through his fingers. He wasn’t ready to see Mizi—not when everything felt so raw and close to unravelling.   

His feet carried him to the old, abandoned stairwell behind the storage shed for the school’s sports gear. It was a spot they’d discovered together during the first year of high school, overwhelmed by the noise of orientation and eager to escape. It had become a quiet place to catch their breath when everything got too loud or too much.   

Till sank down on the bottom step, the concrete cold and rough beneath him. His fingers curled around the edge of the step, gripping tightly. He pulled out his phone and stared at Mizi’s name, right at the top of his messages. He could text her, ask her to meet him here- just the two of them like it used to be.     

But his thumb hesitated, hovering over the screen. She’s probably still with Sua, he reminded himself. The thought made his chest tighten. He knew she had every right to make new friends and be happy, but the idea of Mizi moving on- laughing with someone else, sharing secrets they once shared- left him feeling hollow.   

What if you’re not enough anymore? The thought hit him like a punch, and he swallowed hard. He hated feeling this way- caught between wanting her happiness and fearing it wouldn’t include him. It felt like being stuck in a place he didn’t know how to leave, too afraid to move and too scared to stay.   

He leaned back and stared up at the gray sky, the clouds heavy and endless. He wished he could go back to when everything was simpler, when it had been just the two of them in this hidden spot, sharing dumb jokes and talking about the future they used to imagine. But Mizi wasn’t here now. She was inside with someone else, and the silence around him felt oppressive.   

What if Ivan’s right? The thought crept in again, uninvited, and his grip tightened until his fingers ached. What if you never tell her? What if she slips away for good?   

Acting on impulse, Till yanked out his phone, Mizi’s name flashing up at him like a dare. He could do it now- tell her everything he’d never said. Maybe it wouldn’t fix anything, but at least she’d know how much she meant to him. Maybe it would stop the slow, steady drift that he felt widening between them.   

But the words stuck, trapped by fear. What if she didn’t feel the same way? What if she did, and it still wasn’t enough? The thought of seeing her face change in pity, disappointment, or regret twisted his stomach. He couldn’t bear it.   

The screen dimmed, and he shoved the phone back into his pocket, shame and frustration mingling inside him. He hated himself for being too scared, for holding back when everything in him screamed to move forward.   

A cold wind sliced through the alley, cutting through his thin jacket, and Till shivered. He wished he was more like Ivan- reckless, unafraid of saying what was on his mind. But he wasn’t. He’d never been that brave.   

Stop thinking about him. Till forced himself to stand, hunching his shoulders against the wind, and headed back to the school’s entrance. He didn’t want to admit it, but Ivan’s words had hit too close to home, messing up everything he’d tried so hard to keep together.   

The noise of the hallway washed over him as he stepped inside, loud and overwhelming. He moved through the sea of students, feeling small and out of place, until he reached the door to his classroom. He hesitated for a moment before pushing it open. It was empty now, the desks still and the overhead lights buzzing quietly. Till’s footsteps echoed as he walked to his desk and grabbed his bag from the side of his desk.   

He stood there for a moment, staring at the empty space that felt both familiar and foreign. This was the room where they’d shared so many moments- where Mizi would lean over and whisper some sarcastic comment when the teacher wasn’t looking, where they’d scribble notes back and forth when things got too boring to bear.    

He didn’t want to be here. The noise, the  conversations outside, the reminder of every time he and Mizi had sat together, whispering through boring classes. This room felt heavy with memories he wasn’t ready to face.   

But where else could he go?   

For a second, he thought about going back to his home, the orphanage. But that, too, was full of her- of the nights they’d stayed up whispering across the hall, of the times they’d sat together in the corner of the common room, sharing snacks and secrets when they thought no one was watching. It wasn’t just their home- it was their home, full of shared glances, inside jokes, and moments that were supposed to be safe.     

Every corner, every room seemed to have her name carved into it.   

He hesitated, fingers tightening on the strap of his bag. He was running out of places where he could just breathe without feeling like he was drowning in everything he couldn’t say.    

But where else can I go? He couldn't spend the night at school, and the streets were too lonely to face alone. Despite the fear of seeing Mizi, he knew he couldn’t avoid her forever.    

He took a deep breath, pushing down his insecurities. I can’t hide from this. The orphanage was home, filled with memories he needed to confront.   

With discomfort building inside him, Till turned and walked towards the bus stop.    

As he reached the orphanage, the lights in the windows felt like a cold welcome. Till pushed open the heavy door of the orphanage, the familiar creak echoing in the quiet entryway. The scent of home- faintly sweet and musty, like old books-wrapped around him, mixing with the evening’s dinner aroma, reminding him of the meal he had missed. His stomach grumbled, but the ache in his chest felt far more pressing.   

As he stepped further inside, he spotted Mizi sitting on the floor, surrounded by younger kids. Their laughter filled the room, her smile lighting up the space, and for a moment, he felt frozen, torn between the warmth of her presence and the mess scrambling inside him.   

He considered slipping into the kitchen to avoid her, but her laughter echoed again, pulling him back. Instead, he moved toward the staircase, hoping to find peace in his room. Just as he raised his right foot to walk out, one of the kids knocked over a stack of board games, causing Mizi to burst into laughter, her eyes sparkling with joy.   

That sound tugged at his heart, but it also made his will retreat stronger. He climbed halfway up the stairs, imagining the face she puts on while laughing with a mix of longing and fear.    

“Till!” Mizi called, her smile turning hopeful. She got up from her chair as she approached the stairs. “Come join us!”    

His heart sank, gripping the railing tightly. "I, um… I need to finish some homework.” he stammered, desperately searching for a reason to escape.   

“But… it’s only Friday? You can do homework later on the weekend. Just come play with us!” she insisted, her disappointment evident.   

“Seriously, I have a lot to do. It’s really important.” he replied, his frustration boiling over.   

“But I haven’t seen you all day! Just a little while?” she pressed, her big pupils reminding Till of a puppy.   

“Look, I just… I’m tired,” Till said, forcing a casualness he didn’t feel. He turned away, trying to hide from her gaze.   

“Okay, if that’s what you want. Just… don’t take too long, alright?” she said, a hint of hurt flashing in her voice as she returned to the kids.     

Once in his room, Till’s roommate (the only one present among the other two) opened his mouth to say something the moment he entered, but Till couldn’t be bothered to listen. Instead, he let himself fall onto the bed without changing out of his uniform. Getting the cue, his roommate decided not to press him and quietly left the room.     

The silence felt deafening compared to the laughter he had just left behind. Guilt washed over him as he realized he had pushed Mizi away. Whenever he felt like this, it was Mizi who comforted him, her presence making the world feel bright again. He crawled to the edge of the bed, facing the wall. It felt like muscle memory; he’d done this so many times before to leave space for Mizi, as they would hide from the world together, caressing each other’s hair in a comforting way—like a mother soothing her baby.     

But this time, she wasn’t here.   

Chapter 2: unseen connections

Summary:

The silence in the room felt as if all the people outside had just disappeared. Till blinked, looking down into his mug, slowly pushing his towards Hyuna's hand for her to pat his head more.

"When’d you get so wise?”

“Hey!” she pulled the hair from the back of his head lightly, smirking. As Till made an exaggerated sound, voicing the pain, Hyuna continued. “I have always been- you should start calling me unni!"

"Ughhh…" Till groaned as he freed his head from Hyuna's grip. "If you were, you wouldn't still be in contact with Luka."  

Till lay awake in his bed, staring at the thin cracks on the ceiling, the familiar pattern etched into his mind after countless sleepless nights. But tonight, the quiet weighed heavier, clinging to him like a fog he couldn’t shake. He tossed and turned, trying to drown out the memories of Ivan’s words, the unsettling truth they’d struck. He wasn’t one to dwell on things, but last night’s exchange had unravelled something inside him. 

As dawn approached, he pulled him from his bed. The silence of the orphanage was different at this hour. He glanced at the clock, its hands glowing softly in the dim light. It was barely six. He got up from his bed, barefoot, grabbing his secondhand winter jacket by the collar as he approached the door, putting his shoes on before he left the room. 

He wasn’t sure why, but he found himself slipping out of his room, treading softly down the stairs. As he approached Shine’s desk near the front hall, the sun had barely risen, and the house was still as quiet as it ever got. He cleared his throat, hands stuffed deep in his pockets. 

Shine glanced up from her paperwork, eyebrows rising as she noticed Till hovering. “Up early, aren’t you?” She raised an eyebrow, eyes darting to the clock on the wall. 

“Yeah… Uh, just thought I’d go see Hyuna. Y’know, check in and all.” Till rocked back and forth on his heels, avoiding Shine’s gaze.  

“Hyuna, huh? Haven’t heard her name in a minute.” Shine’s eyes brightened, one of her “first” kids from the orphanage, now grown. She opened a drawer, pulling out a form and sliding it across the desk. “Sign here first. You know the drill. And keep your phone on, alright? No ‘lost connection’ excuses.” 

Till rolled his eyes but nodded, grabbing a pen and scribbling his name on the line. “Yeah, yeah, promise.”  

“Good. And Till-” Shine’s voice softened. “Be careful.”  

He gave a quick nod, trying to look as casual as possible, before turning and heading out into the crisp morning air. The orphanage was located slightly far from the city of Seoul, but it helped that the public transport was just as advanced. While his school was two bus stops away, Hyuna's place was two buses and a metro away.  

The walk from the subway to Hyuna’s apartment was quiet. Early-morning vendors had started to set up their stalls, filling the air with the scent of sizzling dumplings and spicy tteokbokki- reminding him once again how he did not eat dinner, nor breakfast. 

By the time he reached Hyuna’s building, Till’s hands were shoved even deeper into his pockets, fingers numb from the cold. He rang the buzzer, feeling like an icicle waiting outside for at least a full minute until Hyuna’s grumpy voice answered.  

“Yeah?” Her voice was rough with sleep but unmistakably familiar. 

“It’s me- Till. Let me in before I freeze to death.” 

A short pause, then the door clicked open, and Till stepped into the stairwell, climbing the narrow stairs until he reached Hyuna’s apartment. She was waiting in the doorway, hair messy and eyes squinting against the hallway light. 

“Till, what the fuck… It’s like, six in the morning.” She scratched her head, yawning widely. 

“Seven,” he corrected, taking off his shoes. "I'm coming in." The absence of his socks made Hyuna feel uneasy.  

"God, one day you're gonna make someone with a feet fetish really happy." Hyuna rolled her eyes but grinned, stepping aside to let him in. “Get in here before I change my mind. You want coffee or what?” 

“Please,” Till groaned as he walked inside, collapsing onto the worn couch in her living room. His stomach was growling from the absence of any kind of nutrition for the past sixteen hours or so. “Slept like crap, honestly.”  

Hyuna’s cozy one-bedroom apartment in a vibrant Seoul neighbourhood (some called it "ghetto") had cream walls adorned with her paintings.

Hyuna chuckled, shuffling into the kitchen to start the coffee. “What, the orphanage beds not doin’ it for you anymore?”  

“Nah, it’s not that. Just…" Till raised his head from the cushions and paused before continuing his sentence. Just, what? I'm in love with Mizi and some asshole she befriended is making me lose my mind- “head’s full of shit.” He slumped back against the cushions, rubbing his eyes. “Like, I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time. Everyone’s all off doin’ their thing, and it’s just… I don't know, it’s weird.”  

“Ah, the classic existential crisis at seventeen. You shouldn't have skipped a grade just to be with Mizi- everyone around you probably went through this last year." She laughed sluggishly pouring them each a cup of coffee. “I was your age once too, y’know. Didn’t make sense to me either.” 

Till snorted, raising his upper body from the couch and taking the mug from her. “Yeah, but I bet you handled it like a pro.” 

“Please,” she laughed. “I was a mess- Worse than you, probably. Still am. You're lucky I am not kicking your skinny ass for waking me up this early, dude.” 

Till laughed, shaking his head, feeling a strange relief settle over him. He wasn’t great at talking about himself, but somehow, with Hyuna, it felt easy. Her heart was young, yet she had this unchanging matureness that made Till feel safe. Less like spilling his guts and more like he was being reminded of who he was.  

“So,” Hyuna leaned back, crossing her legs and Hyun sipping her coffee. “What’s really eating you, kid?” 

Till hesitated, then looked away, feeling bis face heat up. Running his finger along the rim of his mug, he talked. “It’s Mizi, mostly. And… some other stuff. Feels like she’s got a whole new world, and I’m just stuck watching her from the outside.” It feels like my mind is a circus. Thought flying everywhere- can't catch one for long enough for it to make sense.  

Hyuna eyed him head to toe before giving him a nod. “I get it. Life pulls people in different directions, even when you think you’re gonna be together forever.” She paused, giving him a knowing look. “But that doesn’t mean she’s leavin’ you behind, you know?”  

Till shrugged, his voice quiet. “Yes, I know. It's just-" What? Annoying? No. Off putting, perhaps. Till thought of words to fit into the sentence as he reminisced the big black eyes with flattering eyelashes- the eyes that stared right through his soul. Stupid, stupid Ivan. "Guess I just don’t wanna be the one left behind’.”  

Hyuna shook her head with a chuckle. “Look at you, all mopey." She laid her head on one of the cushions. "Don’t get it twisted, Till. People come and go, but the ones who truly matter? They’ll be there in the end.” She put her hand on Till's head, petting him like a dog. "And that, you ungrateful brat, would be Mizi. She has a life just as much as you do. Let her explore. You matter to her, so don't overthink it, okay?"  

The silence in the room felt as if all the people outside had just disappeared. Till blinked, looking down into his mug, slowly rubbing his head towards Hyuna's hand for her to pat his head more. 

"When’d you get so wise?”  

“Hey!” she pulled the hair from the back of his head lightly, smirking. As Till made an exaggerated sound, voicing the pain, Hyuna continued. “I have always been- you should start calling me unni!"  

"Ughhh…" Till groaned as he freed his head from Hyuna's grip. "If you were, you wouldn't still be in contact with Luka."  

He felt Hyuna’s silence before he looked up. She paused, eyes narrowed just a fraction, and for a split second, the playful ease between them seemed to shift. I shouldn’t have said that.   

“Luka…” she repeated, more to herself than to him. Her mouth turned up slightly, but her eyes softened, some tension unspoken.  

Till noticed her fingers playing with a thread on her sweater, her gaze unfocused. She forced a laugh, breaking the stillness. “That guy never does know when to leave things alone,” she murmured, sounding half-annoyed and half something else- “It’d be easier to forget he’s still out there if he wasn’t such a nepo-baby.”  

“He would jump off a building if you asked him to, you know?’ Till let his words hang, knowing he was close to crossing the invisible line of what they usually talked about.  

She looked up at him, shrugging, the faintest shadow of a grin tugging at the corner of her mouth. “Some people I just… can’t get rid of, Till.” She paused for a moment. “We don’t have the stability of loving parents, and don't have anyone we can lay our back to.” She chuckled. “You, Mizi, Dewey and Isaac all lay your backs to me- I am not complaining, I love being here for you.” She looked directly into Till’s eyes, gaze slightly threatening. “Who do I have to lay my back to, Till?”  

Till started silently, the weight of her words sinking in. Hyuna wasn’t the kind to elaborate on feelings or relationships easily, but her gaze had a distance to it, something that spoke of her feelings more clearly than words ever could.  

“I am sorry.”  He said it softly. This is why you are no one fucking loves you enough to stay. A voice in his head echoed.   

“It’s fine.” She took a sip of her coffee. “You shouldn’t worry so much about Mizi or anyone else right now. Just focus on yourself a little, on what you want. That’s something you won’t regret.”  

I want Mizi. Till thought. I want to be held. I want her to tell me she’ll always be with me. Tell me that I am enough as she looks at me with her honey coloured eyes- his thought paused, thinking of a pair of black eyes that saw right through him. Eyes so black you couldn’t see his pupils, which made him always look like he was in some kind of sorrow, like a dying deer. He felt his heart skip a beat as his mind felt foggy. What the actual fuck?   

They sat in the quiet for a beat longer, her words wrapping around the room like the scent of coffee still lingering in the air.  

Till pushed himself up from the couch, letting her advice settle. “Alright, I’ll do my own thing for a while.”  

Hyuna’s mouth tilted in a proud half-smile. “Don’t get beaten up like you used to.” She watched as he slipped his jacket on, nodding.   

“And Till- about Luka.” She took a deep breath. “If he tries to contact you- don’t give him my new address, alright?”   

“Right.” Till nodded, eyebrows furrowing involuntarily by the mention of Luka.   

With a final wave, he stepped out of her apartment, went down stairs and exited into the crisp morning air, the world feeling bigger but also somehow more his. He took a moment to breathe deeply, inhaling the scent of chilly morning. He walked, his mind repeating the conversation he’d just had with Hyuna.  

“Just focus on yourself a little, on what you want.”   

What do I want? The question mocked him as he went through the crowded streets, shoving his hands deeper into his jacket pockets. He wanted to shove his feelings away, to bury them deep down where they wouldn’t have the power to hurt him. The thought of Mizi floated in and out of his mind like a gentle wave- comforting yet uncanny.  

As he approached the subway, the sounds of the city pulsed around him, yet he felt detached, as if he were floating just above the ground. The ride was a blur of passing concrete landscapes and tunnels. His reflection on the glass made him feel pathetic in a way he couldn’t grasp.   

Focus on what you want.   

He wanted to be seen, to be heard. To feel anchored. As the train rolled to the stop, he stepped off and transferred to the first bus, the passengers around gave a colourful background to his spiralling thoughts. A group of kids laughed, pointing at a cartoon on a phone, while an elderly man sat across from him, absorbed in a newspaper.  

Till let his gaze drift out the window, watching the city blur by. He thought about his “friends” and how different their lives seemed. Mizi was exploring new friendships, Sua was carving her own path, Ivan was- well, Ivan. Freaky- he supposed. Even Hyuna had found ways to live outside the confines of the orphanage.  

What about me?  

He felt like he was standing still while everyone else was racing ahead. With each turn of the bus, a sense of urgency grew inside him.   

What am I doing with my life?   

When he finally arrived at the second stop, he stepped off the bus and took a deep breath, inhaling the smells of the street and the distant sounds of chatter. The world felt alive, vibrant- just like Mizi.  

As he walked towards the next bus stop, he found himself lost in thought. 

Maybe it’s time to think about myself.  

He paused at a small park, the swing set creaking in the gentle breeze. He remembered the last time he had sat on the swings with Mizi, their laughter echoing in the air. But today, he felt different. He wandered over to the swings and sat down, pushing himself gently back and forth, letting the familiar rhythm soothe him.  

What do I enjoy? What makes me happy?   

He thought about the times he felt truly alive- the moments when lyrics flowed from his pen, when melodies danced in his head, and when he lost himself in the magic of music. But lately, those moments felt distant, overshadowed by a creeping uncertainty.  

Was it the pressure to be the strong one? The reliable friend?  

As he swung, memories of Mizi flooded his thoughts. He could picture her bright smile, her laughter filling the air. Each memory felt like a brushstroke on his heart, vibrant yet itchy. Till loved how her creativity sparked his own, how her presence had always ignited something within him. But as he thought deeper, a realisation began to surface.  

If I keep looking at her, will I ever find my own voice?   

The weight of this thought settled on him like a heavy blanket. He had always leaned on her for inspiration, believing that their connection fueled his art. But now he wondered if he had inadvertently put her on a pedestal, blurring the lines between friendship and dependency 

For me to be happy, Mizi can’t be my muse anymore.  

The thought was terrifying. He had spent too long feeling lost, clinging to the idea of being with Mizi while neglecting his own needs. Till felt a stang of sadness at the thought of distancing himself from Mizi.  

With the sun warming his face, he stood up from the swing, some kind of determination coursing through him. Time was getting closer to noon- and he still hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday's lunch. 

He glanced at his phone and realised he had missed the next bus. But instead of feeling frustrated, he felt a strange sense of relief. Perhaps this was a sign. An opportunity to embrace his spontaneity, to allow the universe to guide him for once, instead of Mizi, the one that has always been his universe. 

As he walked away from the park, he made a mental list of things he wanted to do: revisit his old notebooks filled with lyrics, spend time with his guitar, and maybe even explore new types of creativity that didn’t rely on Mizi’s presence. He needed to dive deeper into his own emotions, the emotions that had long been buried beneath the weight of validation from Mizi. Till's heart raced with excitement. He could feel the warmth of the sun against his skin. 

He walked to the last bus station, envisioning himself strumming his guitar, as the notes mingled together to form something beautiful.

Chapter 3: fancy words, small minds

Summary:

The boy crouched down, his back to Ivan, as he leaned close to the flower. Ivan could barely hear him, but the boy’s lips moved in a soft whisper as he studied the wilted petals. Ivan leaned forward, straining to catch the faint words.

“Cheer up,” the boy murmured, touching a petal so gently it barely moved. The boy stayed crouched there, as though he really believed his quiet encouragement could help the tiny flower find the strength to lift its head.

In that moment, Ivan felt something stir in him, something rare and tender, a feeling he couldn’t yet name. The boy seemed different—he moved slowly, deliberately, as if he existed in his own world, untouched by the chaos of the event. Ivan was drawn to him, to the way he lingered beside the passion flower, his expression so focused, almost kind.

For as long as he could remember, people described Ivan as a somewhat… “unique” person. The first one to call him that was his private language teacher, who had begun teaching him the Korean alphabet before he even started elementary school. When reviewing Ivan’s work with his mother, the teacher described him as “unique,” a word his mother very much liked.

Ivan was still young, but he sensed that “unique” carried many meanings. To his mother, it seemed to mean “special.” She often told him that he was gifted, destined for greatness. But the way other people said it — teachers, other kids’ parents, strangers who noticed his strange, almost unnerving gaze — made him wonder if the word meant something entirely different to them. Sometimes “unique” meant he was difficult to understand, and other times it meant he was simply alone. 

He often sat alone at school, not because he disliked others, but because they didn’t seem to know what to make of him. His ideas were high in magnitude, sprawling beyond the limits of their playground games. When other children laughed or shouted, his gaze would drift, studying the patterns in the bark of trees or counting the stripes on the basketball court lines, lost in a world far from the one around him.

One afternoon, when he was about six years old, Ivan’s mother found him on the back steps of their house, scribbling in a notebook. She crouched down beside him, glancing over his shoulder at the pages filled with carefully written characters, symbols, and what appeared to be a strange code. He was meticulously transcribing a fictional language he’d invented, sounds and symbols only he understood. 

“What are you working on?” she asked, her voice filled with admiration.

“It’s a new language, Mom,” he said with a faint smile. “One only I know.”

She studied the characters, her brow furrowing just slightly before she forced a smile. “It’s… very creative. But why would you make something no one else understands?” 

Ivan’s face twisted slightly, his fingers tightening around the pencil. He nodded silently while a thought appeared in his head. Because if they don’t understand, they won’t ruin it.

As Ivan grew, he learned to rely on small, hidden observations to make sense of the world. People rarely said what they meant, and they didn’t usually mean what they said, but their gestures, their silences, and the way their gazes shifted revealed far more than their words. He came to understand that even without speaking, a person’s actions left clues, as if every small moment contained a kind of secret language. It was just a matter of knowing how to read it.

One evening, when he was eight, Ivan found himself at a crowded charity event his mother had organized. She had explained it as a “gathering for a good cause,” where guests in crisp suits and colorful dresses mingled and dined while raising money to support orphaned children. Ivan, unsure of how to engage with the bustling crowd, wandered off, ducking out to a small garden terrace.

That’s where he saw him—a slightly taller boy with gray, messy hair, standing alone near a patch of flowers that bordered the terrace. He wore clothes that looked a bit worn, a little out of place in the sea of polished guests, yet he seemed entirely absorbed, focused on a single, delicate passion flower that drooped at his feet. Ivan stopped a few steps away, close enough to watch but far enough not to disturb.

The boy crouched down, his back to Ivan, as he leaned close to the flower. Ivan could barely hear him, but the boy’s lips moved in a soft whisper as he studied the wilted petals. Ivan leaned forward, straining to catch the faint words.

“Cheer up,” the boy murmured, touching a petal so gently it barely moved. The boy stayed crouched there, as though he really believed his quiet encouragement could help the tiny flower find the strength to lift its head.

In that moment, Ivan felt something stir in him, something, a feeling he couldn’t yet name. The boy seemed different- he moved slowly, as if he existed in his own world, untouched by the chaos of the event. Ivan was drawn to him, to the way he lingered beside the passion flower, his expression so focused, almost kind.

Just as Ivan took a step forward, the boy straightened up, brushing the dirt from his knees, and turned to leave. Ivan froze, wondering if he should say something, ask his name even, but the words never came. He stood rooted to the spot, watching as the boy walked back into the event, blending into the crowd with one last, fleeting glance at the passion flower.

Ivan didn’t realize how long he stood there, staring at the place where the boy had been. He didn’t know it then, but that quiet boy, whispering words of comfort to a dying flower, would leave an impression on him that would last long after the night ended. Over the years, the memory of the boy with the passion flower became distant, yet warm, like a story he held close. He didn’t remember the event itself or what it was for- only the boy and the moment of grace he’d shared with a flower, a moment that felt like love even if he couldn’t explain why.

The moment passed, and as the event wore on, Ivan became aware of the clinking of glasses and the murmur of polite laughter around him. Yet, his mind remained anchored in the fleeting encounter he’d just experienced. He replayed the scene over and over, the boy crouched beside the passion flower, whispering softly.

In the weeks and months that followed, Ivan’s mind clung to that memory. He couldn’t have told you the boy's name or even where he came from, but the image of him lingered vividly in Ivan's thoughts. It was as if he had captured the essence of that moment in a frame, the way an artist might immortalize a fleeting glance in a painting.

He remembered the gentle curve of the boy’s smile, the soft flutter of the flower’s petals, and the way the moonlight caught his soft, silvery hair, illuminating it with a glow. The boy was slightly taller than Ivan, with a lean, almost delicate build that made him appear both fragile and graceful. His big, expressive eyes sparkled with a hint of mischief and kindness, as if he held an entire universe of secrets just beneath the surface.

The faint scent of earth and blossoms filled Ivan's mind, anchoring the memory in time and space. It became a cherished fragment of his life, a piece of innocence- pure love, even, preserved like the pages of a diary never meant to be opened.

As the years went by, Ivan held tightly to the memory of the boy with the passion flower, a glimmer of warmth amid the confusion of his early childhood. But life around him began to shift in ways he couldn’t fully understand.

By the time he turned ten, his mother’s presence in his life began to fade, almost imperceptibly at first. It started with small absences. Late nights spent at charity meetings and early mornings when she left before he awoke. Ivan would sometimes catch a glimpse of her in the kitchen, rushing to pour herself a cup of coffee while preparing for yet another event. The conversations they once shared grew more infrequent, and the laughter that filled their home dulled to echoes of what had been.

The large house, filled with the hustle and bustle of staff members tending to their every need, felt increasingly empty. There were always helpers around, preparing meals, organizing events, and cleaning the expansive spaces. While their lives appeared glamorous from the outside, Ivan felt the hollowness of their family life grow, as his mother’s dedication to her work and the causes she championed pulled her further away from him.

His father, the head of the prestigious Unsha Group, was equally absorbed in his own responsibilities. Ivan knew his father’s reputation loomed large, a figure of success and influence in their community, but it meant their home felt more like a house of cards—impressive yet precariously balanced. Ivan had always kept a low profile, aware of the spotlight that seemed to shine relentlessly on his father’s accomplishments. While his father was celebrated for his achievements, Ivan often felt like a shadow, living in a world filled with expectations and pressures that felt too big for him to bear.

One evening, Ivan returned home from school, brimming with excitement over a project he had completed on the solar system. He had even stayed up late to create a model that glimmered with painstaking detail. But as he entered the living room, he found it empty, the television flickering softly in the background. He wandered through the house, looking for his parents. 

He made his way to the kitchen, where he found one of the household assistants bustling about, preparing dinner. She looked up, offering him a warm smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Good evening, Ivan-nim. Your mother had to leave for a meeting. She’ll be back late,” she informed him.

Ivan felt a familiar ache bloom in his chest. “Is Dad home?” he asked, hoping for at least one of them to be there.

“I’m afraid not. He’s at a conference,” she replied, her tone gentle, yet it only deepened the hollow feeling inside him.

As the assistant turned back to her tasks, Ivan stood there for a moment, grappling with the weight of their absence. The house, filled with the hustle and bustle of staff members tending to their every need, felt increasingly empty. 

As time wore on, Ivan learned to navigate the complexities of his world with care. The absence of his parents, though painful, stirred a quiet determination within him to fill the void of loneliness. Throughout elementary school, he watched as his classmates formed bonds over shared interests and laughter, their friendships blossoming in the spaces where he had once felt so alone. He found himself observing closely, picking up on the subtle cues that defined social interactions. What made his peers laugh? What drew their admiration?

By the time the first year of high school arrived, Ivan had blended his unique perspective of what others valued. He learned to speak in ways that worked with his classmates, sharing witty remarks and thoughtful insights that showcased his intelligence and uniqueness without making him seem odd.

His charm was not born from a desire to be liked, but rather a gentle yearning for connection and validation. Ivan began to engage in conversations, asking questions that intrigued those around him, and showing genuine interest in their stories. The way he listened, made others feel seen, and they responded with warmth and openness. Slowly but surely, he built a network of “friends” who admired him.

Teachers praised him for his thoughtful contributions, which helped him gain respect and validation from adults too. Ivan became the boy everyone wanted to work with on group projects. 

Despite this newfound popularity, Ivan never lost sight of the quiet, introspective side of himself. He still cherished moments alone, whether in the library, where he could lose himself in the pages of novels, or on the rooftop where he listened to music, observing the sky. But he learned to display his public persona, sharing only fragments of his true self with others while keeping his deeper thoughts and feelings tucked away like precious keepsakes.

He decorated his life with this. Carefully choosing the way he dressed, the books he carried, and the interests he shared. He wore a charming smile that could light up a room, and he spoke with a confidence that belied the uncertainties swirling in his heart. In doing so, he became someone others admired for his wit and approachability.

But beneath this polished exterior, the memory of the boy with the passion flower lingered, a reminder of a gentler time when he had simply been himself, unguarded and unmasked. Ivan often thought of that brief encounter, wishing he could revisit the moment. Meet that boy, get to know him… Yet, he understood that in a world where expectations weighed heavily, he needed to adapt, to survive.

As Ivan drifted through the years, the memory of the boy with the passion flower settled into the back of his mind. Sometimes it would resurface, a fragment of a story that stirred something deep within him- a warmth he could not quite name. 

The first year of high school was at a prestigious academy that his parents had chosen for him, a place filled with other students from influential families and legacies in the making. His father was intent on seeing him excel, though his reminders were few and indirect, casual mentions of opportunities or praise for the top students. And his mother’s subtle pride in him, whenever she mentioned him in passing at her events, became a constant undertone. Their pride had become both his encouragement and his measure, his achievements now an unspoken agreement between them.

As his first semester ended in mid july, one of his friends, aka Sua (who was the daughter of a close family friend, a year older than he was), who was in her second year of high school whilst Ivan was in his first, invited him to a festival held at her school. Ivan knew her well since their parents were close friends. Ivan was used to seeing her at dinners and social events. Although they were very different in terms of personality, their shared background gave them a rare understanding of the expectations they both carried. There was a natural ease between them, with Sua’s straightforwardness often drawing a genuine chuckle from him.

Sua sometimes invited him to events at her school (only because her parents asked her to, hoping something more would happen between them). One day, she invited him to a music festival her school was hosting. She attended a school made for students who excelled in different branches of performing art. Music, dance, painting… It was a lively event that was known to attract students from all over the city. Initially, he was hesitant, thinking of the piles of assignments waiting for him, but there was something in Sua’s insistence, in the way she talked about the performances and a pink haired girl, that piqued his interest.

On the day of the festival, the school grounds were filled with excitement, booths lined with all kinds of art pieces, the air filled with the distant strum of guitars and the beats of drums and such. Ivan walked beside Sua for the most part, silently enjoying the energy that he rarely saw in his own school, where the students felt more like competitors than companions. He moved easily through the crowd, watching the performers.

Sua pulled him near the stage, talking about a dance performance that her friend was gonna perform. Then, as he turned a corner by the main stage, he froze. Standing near the edge of the stage, adjusting a guitar with an effortless focus, was a boy with messy gray hair and a lean frame. There was something achingly familiar about the curve of his profile, the quiet intent in his eyes. It took only a heartbeat for Ivan to recognize him, though he could hardly believe it—the boy with the passion flower. 

Ivan felt his chest tighten, the memory of that quiet, moonlit moment years ago making his heartbeat increase with an unexpected intensity. He stood there, watching, as the boy, now older but still carrying that same quiet grace, tuned his guitar, oblivious to the crowd around him. 

After the dance performance, Ivan felt compelled to approach but paused, unsure of what to say. What words could explain the years he spent thinking about him, the life that he had shaped each without knowing since that brief encounter in his mother’s garden? He stayed back, his gaze following the pink haired performer bowed to the audience, then approached the gray boy as he packed up his things and disappeared into the crowd.

Ivan turned to Sua, his voice steady, though his mind raced. “Who was that on stage?”

“Oh, that’s Mizi. A friend from my school,” she said easily. “She's amazing with her movement, right? One of the most talented students here.”

Ivan blinked. “Right, she was great. Do you know the guy she just left with?” 

“Hmm…” Sua looked around, her gaze catching Mizi and the boy she was with. “That’s Till, Mizi’s childhood friend or something.”

Till. Ivan thought. His name is Till. How cute.  A sense of longing stirred in Ivan, a whisper of an old, distant feeling that refused to fade. He found himself wanting to know more about Till, who seemed to carry himself the way he remembered. This time, he didn’t want to let him slip away. 

He spent the following days convincing his parents to let him transfer schools, using every point he could think of. He promised to meet their expectations: valedictorian, class president, a member of the student council, and involvement in the best extracurriculars. His father raised a skeptical eyebrow and his mother took some more convincing, but in the end, they agreed 

As he stepped through the doors of Sua’s school the second semester of his first year, his goals became clear: he would excel, as he had promised, but he would also give himself the chance to uncover the life behind the boy with the passion flower. He was careful to keep his interest quiet, as much to avoid attention as to not be caught not respecting the privacy he imagined Till might value as he stalked him discreetly. And though he didn’t know the details of Till’s life. The world he entered felt more real, more alive, and the memory of Till, now no longer just a memory, felt less like a distant story and more like a path leading him forward.

As days slipped by, Ivan’s focus sharpened on Mizi, though not for her own sake, she was the bridge he hoped would lead to Till. He’d often notice Mizi and Till together in the halls, their bond apparent.

The only way to get closer, he reasoned, was through the one person in his life who knew Mizi: Sua. Quietly observant, with her own distant nature that sometimes bordered on being borderline unapproachable, Sua had never been the sort to talk much about her connections. And yet, the faint look of jealousy he caught on Sua’s face as she watched Mizi and Till hinted that she might be more involved in Mizi’s life than shown.

One afternoon, after class, Ivan caught up to Sua in the hallway. Her bag was slung over her shoulder, and she was glancing down at a file filled with different musical compositions with her other hand, attention focused on the musical notes.

“Sua,” he began, his tone casual, “I’ve been seeing you a lot with that girl from the dance department. Mizi?”

She paused, turning her dark gaze to him. “Yes,” she said, her expression unreadable. There was a slight, cautious pause before she added, “Why do you ask?”

He shrugged, masking it as an easygoing interest. “I was hoping to meet her. You two seem close.”

Something flickered in her eyes, a quick but sharp recognition. She shut her composition file, the movement swift and controlled, as if she were shielding herself from an unseen gaze. “Close? We work on songs together, she likes my rhythm, that’s all. Mizi is…” she hesitated, her voice trailing into silence, her expression carefully distant. “... different.”

She looked away then, perhaps hoping the topic would fade, but Ivan pressed on. “Could you introduce me sometime?”

Her lips tightened, a flicker of annoyance flashing across her face. “If you want,” she said with a sigh.. “But don’t expect much. Mizi doesn’t open up to just anyone.”

While that was the end of the conversation, a few days later, Ivan found himself in the school cafeteria with Sua. They sat together in one of the less crowded areas, a silence between them that seemed to suit Sua just fine. He watched her from the corner of his eye as she absently scrolled through her phone, her expression as neutral as ever. Just then, Mizi appeared, her face lighting up when she spotted Sua.

“Hi!” Mizi greeted, her tone open, a pleasant contrast to Sua’s contained demeanour. 

Sua raised her head from her phone, black pupils in her purple eyes instantly growing in size. “Hi-” she said with a weak voice before pretending to cough to get her shit together.” “S-Sorry, hi. Do you want to sit down?”

Mizi smiled, eyes as bright as ever. She turned her gaze to Ivan, asking him a question. “Would you mind?”

Ivan looked up, flashing Mizi a polite smile, which she returned, though with a hint of shyness. Before he could speak, Sua interfered.

“This is Ivan,, our families are close friends.” She said, scooting to make space for Mizi. 

“Nice to meet you, Mizi,” Ivan said, adding casually, “I’ve seen you around.”

Mizi nodded, looking between them as she took a seat. “I’ve seen you too,” she said with a smile, her tone friendly. “You’re just… friends with Sua?”

“Oh my god don’t even-” Sua’s eyebrows furrowed as she paused, taking a deep breath to calm herself down. “Contrary to the popular belief, Ivan and I are just friends. Nothing more, nothing less.” Looking deep into Mizi’s eyes, she continued. “I promise.”

As Ivan observed the two girls exchanging glances before he decided to speak up for his own, selfish reason.

“I guess you could say that,” he replied to Mizi, supporting Sua’s argument as well. He shifted, unsure of how to bring up Till without giving himself away. “I think I’ve see a lot with you with someone else…a guy with gray hair?”

Mizi’s expression softened as she laughed, looking away from Sua her smile genuine. Ivan could see as Sua’s face resembled of one with jealousy-

“That’s Till. He’s my—well, we’ve been close for a long time. Almost like family.”

Ivan’s stomach twisted at that. Almost like family. He’d been hoping it was something more casual, less significant. But the way she said it, her tone affectionate and full of warmth, hinted at something much deeper.

As they spoke, Sua watched them with a guarded intensity, though she remained silent for the most part. When Mizi excused herself to go eat with Till (as Till apparently had no friends beside her), Ivan’s gaze couldn't help but follow her. The boy he’d glimpsed at the festival was waiting in line for lunch, his hands tucked into his pockets. His eyes lightened up as Mizi approached. He leaned in to speak to her, his voice low, his smile reserved only for her.

“Now you know her,” Sua said abruptly, distracting him from the sight of Mizi and Till. Sua’s tone carried an edge he hadn’t expected. Ivan turned back to see her watching him, her gaze cool and distant.

“Yeah,” he replied, feeling something hollow in his chest.

Sua tilted her head, her expression unchanging. “People aren’t toys, Ivan,” she murmured. “You can’t get close to someone just because you think it’ll lead you somewhere else.”

Ivan blinked, thrown off balance. He hadn’t expected Sua to cut so sharply to the core. For a moment, he just sat there, feeling exposed, as though she’d peeled away his carefully curated layers with a single, incisive look.

"You think I'm using her," he murmured, his voice barely audible. It wasn’t a question.

Sua’s gaze changed target, but her voice remained steady. "I think you’re chasing something you don’t even understand yet.” Her words lingered between them, challenging him without spite. She sighed, Ivan took it as a sign of her sincerity. "Just… be careful, Ivan. People can tell when someone’s with them for the wrong reasons." And they ate lunch in silence.

In the days after Sua’s words, Ivan found himself watching Sua and Mizi more closely. There was something in the way Sua had spoken a hint of warning—that made him doubt his morals. Over the second semester, he slowly grew closer with Mizi- through Sua, ofcourse. But he was yet to interact with Till, his main target. 

As lunch on the rooftop with Sua became a ritual due to their quiet nature that respected one another, but then Mizi started joining them, as his lunch break was no longer filled with silence but with the warm laughter Mizi and Sua shared. The rooftop door was hidden above the bustle of the school, with the city skyline stretched out behind them, where they could escape the crowd below. Mizi always made a small ritual of unpacking her lunch—only this time, her hands hesitated on the neatly wrapped package.

“Here,” she said, offering it to Sua, then Ivan. “It’s… uhmm, my aunt’s recipe.” The words came out softly, her tone almost careful, as if she hadn’t meant to say anything about it at all. “Just, uh, seaweed and sesame… nothing fancy.” She smiled.

Ivan took the rice ball from her with a small smile, sensing the weight behind her words. He took a bite, silently nodding as a  sign of approval while Sua’s face lit up with excitement as she spoke after tasting the rice ball. “This is fantastic, Mizi. Honestly, you’ve been holding out on us.”

A small grin broke through Mizi’s careful expression, and she shrugged. “Yeah, well, it’s a secret recipe… and maybe I’m a little picky about who tries it.”

She didn’t say much else, and Ivan saw Sua glance her way, her expression soft and attentive. Mizi’s guardedness softened slightly, especially under Sua’s patient warmth. Ivan decided not to intervene.

That day, after lunch, Mizi brightened with sudden enthusiasm. “Oh! I almost forgot—I wanted to invite Till to join us tomorrow. He mentioned he’d never been up here, and I feel like he might enjoy it.”

Ivan felt his pulse quicken slightly at the mention of Till’s name, but he forced a casual shrug, even as his mind raced. He hadn’t expected Mizi to extend the invitation herself, though he supposed it was a natural progression. 

“Oh, Till?” he asked, hoping he sounded disinterested. “Is he… really the type to hang out here?”

Mizi rolled her eyes, giving him a playful nudge. “Don’t be dramatic, Ivan. He’s just a person! Besides, you’ll probably get along great. He’s funny in his own way.”

Ivan tried to keep his expression neutral, but he caught a glint of something in Sua’s eyes, as though she could see right through his reaction. For her part, Sua only tilted her head thoughtfully. “Well, maybe he could add something new to the mix. It might be interesting, don’t you think, Ivan?”

He managed a nod, glancing out at the city skyline to avoid her steady gaze. He couldn’t tell if she was aware of his interest in Till or if it was just a gut instinct. 

The next day, Ivan arrived on the rooftop a few minutes early, his heart racing in a way he hadn’t felt in years. He chose a spot on the edge, the light wind ruffling his hair as he gazed at the city stretched out before him, using the view as a distraction. He didn’t want to appear overeager when Mizi, Sua, and, finally, Till arrived.

Mizi and Sua showed up first, chatting easily as they unpacked their lunches. The conversation felt light, natural, but Ivan found himself only half-listening. He kept his eyes on the rooftop door, wondering if Till would show up, and what he would even say to him.

Then the door creaked open, and Ivan’s breath caught. There he was, looking slightly out of place but effortlessly composed, with that same silvery hair falling into his eyes. Till had a slight blush on his cheeks, not quite smiling but not looking angry nor scary- almost a shy expression as he stepped onto the rooftop, his guitar on his back.

“Hey, Till!” Mizi waved him over enthusiastically. “Come sit! I saved a spot for you.” She patted the space between her and Ivan, and Ivan felt a faint spark of excitement as Till walked closer, looking relaxed yet slightly hesitant.

"Thanks," Till said with a smile, his voice softer than Ivan expected. There was a quiet ease to him, a contrast to the practiced ease Ivan had learned to wear. As he took a seat beside Mizi, his shoulder brushed hers, and he glanced at her with an expression so open, so naturally affectionate, that Ivan felt a sting of something he couldn’t quite name. Almost like family, she had said, but the warmth Till held for her seemed to run deeper than mere friendship.

Ivan forced a casual smile. “So, Till… I’ve heard a lot about you.” He kept his tone light, hoping his curiosity wouldn’t seem too intense.

Till turned, meeting Ivan’s gaze. His teal eyes held that same hint of mischief and kindness that Ivan had remembered, along with a flicker of interest that quickly settled into a polite smile. “Yeah? Hope they were good things,” he replied, his voice smooth and unhurried, as if he were completely comfortable with himself.

“They were.” Ivan felt himself warming to Till’s presence, finding a genuine charm in him. He looks even better from close up. Ivan thought, before he noticed the way Till’s hand rested on the ground near Mizi’s, just shy of touching, and the easy, trusting way he spoke to her. Ivan felt jealous of the easy confidence of someone who didn’t need to pretend. It was something he longed for.

“Till’s been roped into a lot of my crazy ideas,” Mizi laughed, nudging him playfully. “Especially with music. He’s actually the one who taught me most of what I know about rhythm and timing when it comes to ballet.”

Till’s blush became more apparent on his face. “You’re giving me too much credit. You’re the one who worked hard for it,” he said, giving her a glance that spoke of familiarity and unspoken words. He seemed entirely absorbed in Mizi’s presence, his quiet admiration evident in the way he looked at her.

Ivan felt a tightening in his chest, a subtle ache. He could tell, from the way Till’s gaze lingered, that his feelings for Mizi ran deep. Ivan wasn’t exactly surprised, but seeing it up close made it painfully real. He hadn’t expected it to feel like this, like he was losing something he’d only just begun to want.

"Do you… play the guitar often, Till?" Sua asked, pointing at the guitar in its case, trying to redirect Mizi’s attention away. Ivan looked at Sua’s face, her smile forced, but not threatening. Ivan felt grateful that Sua got Till to focus on something—anything—other than Mizi.

“Oh, I do.” Till replied, turning his attention to Sua, his smile leaving his face the moment he looked away from Mizi. “I mess around with the guitar whenever I can. It helps me think and understand the tones and shit.”

Ivan nodded, trying to get involved in the conversation.. "I get that. I usually listen to instrumental music when I want to clear my head. Though, I have to say, playing sounds like a better outlet.”

“Maybe you’ll hear me play one day,” Till said, a soft smile appearing in his face by the thought of playing for someone, though there was a slight distance in his gaze. Ivan could feel that Till had already retreated into his world of melodies and memories, his thoughts occupied by something, or someone, beyond the reach of words.

Sua, who had been watching with quiet intensity, spoke up again. “You’re one of those that got into the music department with a full ride scholarship this year, right? Just like Mizi did with dance department.” She raised her eyebrows with the same forced smile on her face, looking into Till's eyes as if to get through his head and understand everything about him that made him and Mizi close. 

“Uhm… Yeah, I couldn’t afford to get in otherwise.” Till responded with a slight panic in his eyes that Ivan managed to catch. 

Sua shot Ivan a meaningful look as Till responded, as if mocking him for his lack of knowledge on the guy he watched since the day he transferred. Ivan managed a grin, though he felt the implication behind her gaze, he wondered if she really did sense the undercurrent of his own interest, or did she want to use him to separate Till and Mizi. Sua was selfish like that, being the younger sibling. She would get what she want, when she wanted, regardless of the consequences it might have on people she didn't care as much for (while she would die for those she loved, she also wouldn't mind if it meant taking someone else's life was necessary for her loved ones survival).

Taking his gaze away from Sua, Ivan looked at Till again. The boy under the moonlight, whispering "Cheer up!" to a flower was right in front of his eyes, shoulders a few centimetres away. The reminder that Till wasn’t just his mysterious memory but a person, whole and complete, made Ivan feel something raw and vulnerable, something he’d almost forgotten he was capable of feeling.

Lunch carried on, with Mizi and Till exchanging stories and laughter that spoke to years of friendship. Ivan found himself watching them interact. The light in Till’s eyes whenever Mizi spoke, the way he relaxed in her presence, made it clear how deeply he cared for her. It was a type of bond Ivan had never experienced with anyone, not even Sua, who understood his world so completely. For a moment, he felt as though he were on the outside, looking in, watching the life he wished he could have.

The bell rang, making them start packing up to leave. Mizi turned to Till as they were exiting the rooftop. “You should join us more often, don’t you think guys?” She glanced back at Ivan and Sua.

As Ivan nodded instantly, Sua stayed silent for a bit before she nodded, giving Mizi a warm, slightly crooked smile. “Yeah. Definitely.”

Chapter 4: crimson spot

Summary:

“What is the rush?” Ivan asked, but Till responded without even glancing at him. “I don’t want Mizi finding me.”

Ivan felt a cold sting in his chest-it washed over the rest of his body, making his whole body uncomfortable and tense. Of course, as always, this was once more about Mizi. Why would Ivan even think-

“I want this to be a you and me thing.” Till continued, slightly blushing as he went up the stairs. That startled Ivan for a bit, making him pause at the bottom of the stairs. As thoughts flew around his head, he couldn’t help but grin- crimson pupils of his black eyes more obvious than ever, as the sun had started setting down, hitting the stairs in quite the dramatic way.

"I…" Ivan chuckled to himself, hiding his face with his hands as he followed Till up the stairs. "absolutely cannot understand his behaviour."

On a cold, November morning, Till was waiting for the earliest bus to get to school. Until today, he and Mizi had always taken the same bus, as their schedules aligned pretty well with each other. That was of course before spending the weekend avoiding her, locking himself inside the room he shares with three other boys, only getting out to work at his shift at the nearby convenience store or to take a piss or to make one of the young boys sneak him a plate of meal, bribing them with candy- the point is he was still avoiding Mizi. It was for her sake, as he didn’t want to be a burden to her with how fragile his feelings were right now. 

He got up at 6:00am, brushing his teeth and getting ready, leaving his room with silent footsteps. His guitar was on his back while his school bag hung on his shoulder. By the time he went down to the kitchen and convinced one of the orphanage workers to give him something to eat, the clock showed 6:18. The bus was at 6:39, thus he didn’t need to rush until he saw Mizi coming down the stairs, still in her pyjamas. 

“Till?” She questioned, voice low with a hint or worry.

And that’s how Till found himself running out of the orphanage, straight to the bus stop as he got faster when he heard Mizi calling for him for a second time, though he couldn’t bear to look back. Which is why he stood in front of the school gates at 7:22am in the morning, stomach growling, hair messy and feeling his underarms sweaty. 

As Till stood before the school gates, he took a slow breath, settling the weight of his guitar against his back. The school guard quietly greeted him, Till giving a nod in response. Just as he was about to step forward, a voice cut through the morning chill, distinct enough to reach him across the crowd.

"Skipping breakfast now too, Till?" Ivan leaned against the gate with a smirk, hands tucked in the pockets of his jacket, eyes sharp and unreadable as they flicked over Till’s tired expression. There was something almost infuriatingly effortless in Ivan’s tone. Till managed a shrug, quickly dropping his gaze.

"Why are you here this early? School doesn’t start until 8:00am." he muttered, trying to keep his voice steady, though it quavered a little due to the cold. “And what is it to you that I am here early anyways?” He turned his head away, pushing his hands deeper in his pockets, nose red from the cold. 

“School council work.” Ivan stepped closer, slowly taking off his thick, wool jacket that kept him warm, not seeming to care much for boundaries. "Well, considering you look like you haven’t slept in a week, I got worried, you know?” He put the jacket that he warmed up with his body heat over Till’s head as he walked through him. “Just being a good friend.”

Till forced himself to meet Ivan’s gaze, feeling a surge of irritation tinged with something else—something he couldn’t quite name. It made him want to look away, but he resisted. He didn’t want Ivan thinking he had the power to unnerve him.

"Not like it’s any of your business," Till said finally, his voice colder than he intended, taking the jacket off his head.

It’s so cold. He thought for the millionth time that morning, but feeling the cold get to him after experiencing the warmness Ivan’s jacket was different. Ivan only shrugged, as though Till’s reaction amused him.

“You’re right,” Ivan replied, the smirk fading to something quieter, more thoughtful, before he added, “but…there’s a lot you could do with the things that keep you up at night.” He nodded to the guitar on Till’s back, a subtle acknowledgment that Till felt all the way down to his bones.

Before Till could reply, Ivan moved past Till into the school building, his heartbeat echoing louder than the footsteps around him though he wasn’t showing it.

He wasn’t sure if it was the blood splashing to his brain that made Till’s body feel warm so suddenly, or the jacket he was holding. Annoyance or intrigue stirred within him, but he couldn’t deny that Ivan had a way of slipping past his defences without warning, bringing up thoughts he’d rather leave untouched.

Till slipped his arms into Ivan’s jacket, feeling the fabric fall well past his wrists and the collar rise up to nearly brush his chin. He half expected it to smell faintly like cologne, something fittingly defiant for Ivan, but the warmth left from Ivan’s body surprised him more. The jacket was a size too big, almost comically so, but it enveloped him in warmth that he hadn’t realized he’d needed until now. He furrowed his eyebrows. I will wear this for a bit… just because it’s cold. He hunched his shoulders, letting the bulk of it shelter him from the cold as he entered the school building.

Settling into his seat in class, he found himself absentmindedly tugging at the oversized sleeves as he began to think, to create some new lyrics that did not revolve around Mizi. He had to stop thinking about her, he needed to become his own person. Yet for some reason, he could not for the life of him write a type of lyrics nor compose a tune about something that he didn’t experience first hand. 

He looked out from the window. If he couldn’t compose anything meaningful as himself… Am I even a person without Mizi? The thought scared him like crazy, to not be able to be someone, something, anything without his reliability to Mizi was terrifying, 

He took a deep breath as squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his sweat dripping off of his armpits again. Not wanting Ivan’s jacket to smell like his sweat, he took it off and hung in behind his chair before he paused-

For a second, he thought of Ivan’s lingering gaze—his black eyes swallowed him like a deep black darkness, weighing down his soul. He felt his heartbeat getting faster as his breath pattern became less regular. He furrowed his eyebrows, pushing his elbows against his desk as he held his head in between his hands.

This is weird. 

Till’s head buzzed as he tried to steady his breathing. He was aware of the soft thud of his heartbeat, feeling almost hypnotized by Ivan’s image in his mind—those dark, unreadable eyes that felt too close, too consuming. His hands trembled slightly against his temples as he fought the absurdity of the situation.

I hate him so much. “That’s what friends do.” my ass-

Shivering slightly, Till looked at the unmeaningful lyrics he’d scrawled onto the edges of his notebook, then he ripped the page completely and put it on the side. Words begun to tumble out as he started scribbling them without fully understanding why:

“This deep black darkness
Weighing down my soul”

The words pulled at something inside him, a strange, bitter force he wasn’t prepared to face. The more he resisted it, the deeper it seemed to dig its roots into his thoughts, tugging at the parts of him he kept hidden. Every line felt weighted with the conflict within him, about things he couldn’t name, about Mizi, and now—almost reluctantly—about Ivan.

Fingers absently tapping on his notebook, Till felt frustration clawing at his chest. The lyrics wanted to reflect something he’d never admit to anyone. He couldn’t help feeling drawn to the image of Ivan’s penetrating gaze, the careless way he’d slipped the jacket onto Till’s shoulders as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Even now, the fabric, a little too big, hung heavily behind him, yet its faint warmth lingered on his skin.

Maybe… I do want to be closer friends with him. I want to understand him.

A fragment from the lyrics glinted in his mind:

“Like a black, black sorrow,
A story of such woe”

The words embodied a feeling of unrequited, almost bitter yearning—a sickness he’d rather keep buried. He shut his notebook that reflected something Ivan had awakened in him, whether intentionally or not.

Till glanced back at the jacket on the chair, hating that even with the smallest gesture, Ivan had pulled at the boundaries he was so determined to keep intact.

I could be friends with him- would be easier. 

He raised his head, eyes glimpsing at the front yard of the school as he observed people starting to walk into school. He noticed the certain pink haired girl, getting closer to the main entrance of the building with her wired earphones in ear- 

He forced himself to look away, slightly blushing as he furrowed his eyebrow further.

I am gonna befriend Ivan. He thought. It won’t be like who I am with Mizi but… He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he started hearing footsteps in the hallway. I need to be a better version of me, be enough for myself before so that I won’t rely on anyone anymore.

He laid back, opening his eyes as some people came inside the class, giving him a formal “good morning” as he replied the same in a low voice.

Besides, It’s not like I could ever like Ivan. 

He chuckled at the thought. 

Just friends, nothing more. 

As Till settled into his seat, letting the last of the students file in, he noticed Ivan slipping into his own seat near the front of the class, glancing around with his usual air of detachment. Every time Till’s eyes drifted in Ivan’s direction, observing his broad shoulders, his straight black hair and such, he felt a bizarre tension.

The jacket remained on the back of his chair, feeling like it had somehow claimed a small part of his day. Even now, he felt its weight, its warmth. Till forced himself to turn his gaze forward, trying to focus on the class but not quite managing to. Frowning, he opened his lyrics notebook back out and tried to scribble more lyrics.

A few notes formed on the page, lyrics half-thought-out, scribbles of frustration mingling with fleeting images of Ivan’s casual smirk, his snaggletooth, his black eyes that had a bit of red in the centre when he looked a certain way… He worked, the lines of “Black Sorrow” coming together in a way that felt like dredging up things he wanted to push down. He wanted to express himself—this deep, untapped well of emotion he was terrified to share even with himself.

By the end of class, Till had finished more of the song, the music and lyrics crystallizing into something intense and dark, yet undeniably real. But with every line, he felt an unsettling closeness to the inspiration behind it. The urge to turn Ivan’s image in his mind from frustration into understanding was undeniable, though it also made him anxious.

After class ended with the bell, Till stood and grabbed the jacket, going towards Ivan’s desk. He watched as Ivan realised his presence, a smirk forming in his face. He reached for the jacket, but Till pulled it back.

“I-” he paused, what was he gonna say? How does one acquire a friend? He barely remembers how he ended up befriending Mizi, forming such a deep connection- there were also Dewey and Isaac, some weirdos he met through Hyuna. How did he even get that close with Hyuna?- Suddenly, he bit his lip. “Thank you for the jacket.” He said, offering it to Ivan as if he didn’t just snatch it when Ivan was reaching for it. 

As Till extended the jacket, Ivan’s smirk softened, his eyes flashing with something that Till couldn’t quite place—amusement, interest, maybe even curiosity. Ivan reached forward, but just as his hand brushed the fabric, he hesitated, raising an eyebrow as he noticed Till’s tension. Oh, he’s kinda sweaty- I wonder if… Ivan thought as he instinctively licked his lips, while pulling the jacket closer to himself.

Till, still looking for a reason to continue talking- an attempt to befriend him- fumbled for words. His gaze briefly flicked to the guitar case leaning against the desk, the memory of the first time he met Ivan echoed in his mind.

“Maybe I’ll play for you one day.” 

God, only back then was everything so easy. I didn’t think Mizi would stay friends with these guys for so long. He shook his head to that thought. Stop. Thinking. About. Mizi.

Before he could overthink it for longer, the words left his mouth.

“Maybe I could… I don’t know,  play something for you,” he said quietly, his eyes briefly meeting Ivan’s before darting away. Ivan felt that the offer was strangely personal, recalling their brief conversation from their first year. “I mean, since you let me borrow it and all.” Till added. 

Ivan's gaze shifted from the jacket to Till, his expression intrigued, though he seemed almost hesitant to let on. He tilted his head slightly, studying Till with an intensity that made the moment feel oddly charged.

“You serious?” Ivan asked, his voice softer than usual. “You’ve got an audience then.” There was a faint challenge in his tone, as if daring Till to follow through.

Till felt his pulse quicken, realizing how unexpectedly vulnerable the offer made him feel. He tried to meet Ivan’s gaze without flinching. "Yeah," he said, voice steadying.

Ivan blinked, studying Till’s body language. His smile widened, eyes very- very slightly narrowing to Till’s surprise. Ivan gestured toward the nearby music room with a casual nod. “Got anywhere in mind, or are we giving the whole class a show?”

Till felt his cheeks warm, fidgeting on the sweat bands on his wrists (seriously, for a Korean, he had an annoying sweating problem).  “Let’s… keep it between us,” he murmured, a bit more firmly than he’d intended. “Can you reserve a room after school, maybe? You’re in the council and shit you know…” 

Ivan nodded, the wide smile gone, his eyes no longer slightly narrowed. “Sure, I will see what I can do.” He looked directly into Till’s eyes. 

Till nodded in confirmation. “C’ya then.” He then left the classroom to go to the bathroom. 

Ivan stood there, replaying the conversation in his head. He said c’ya. He said c’ya to me. He cupped his mouth with his hand, trying to hold back his chuckle of happiness. I don’t get it- is this the product of how I have been trying to get his head for the past year? Did something happen between him and Mizi after last Friday- he paused. I can learn that from Mizi, actually.  

He took a deep breath as he buried his face into the jacked, inhaling the slight scent Till had left. 

Maybe my position in his head is more enjoyable than I thought. 

As the day went by, Ivan used the lunch period to cancel the booking of the room with the most natural lighting as it was used by a few art students. He came up with an excuse, saying there was a double booking and apologised. Thanks to his charming atmosphere, not even the got mad at the situation, knowing Ivan’s reputation.. 

Although the sun would set down early due to it being winter, Ivan was sure he could catch a glimpse of Till’s silver hair under the sunlight, as he played his guitar for him. As the last bell of the day rang, he prepared himself to not show as much interest as he held, slowly getting up from his desk and packing his stuff as he grabbed his jacket. Before he even finished, he felt a shadow fall over him.

“Did you book a room?” Till asked, almost in a hurry. 

Ivan smiled, “Yes, room 5-04-” Before he could finish, Till grabbed Ivan’s bag and jacket, walking, almost running to the door as he started navigating his way to room 5-04. Ivan hurriedly followed Till, eventually catching up to him.  

“What is the rush?” Ivan asked, but Till responded without even glancing at him. “I don’t want Mizi finding me.”

Ivan felt a cold sting in his chest-it washed over the rest of his body, making his whole body uncomfortable and tense. Of course, as always, this was once more about Mizi. Why would Ivan even think-

“I want this to be a you and me thing.” Till continued, slightly blushing as he went up the stairs. That startled Ivan for a bit, making him pause at the bottom of the stairs. As thoughts flew around his head, he couldn’t help but grin- crimson pupils of his black eyes more obvious than ever, as the sun had started setting down, hitting the stairs in quite the dramatic way.

I… Ivan chuckled to himself, hiding his mouth with his right hand as he followed Till up the stairs. absolutely cannot understand his behaviour.

Chapter 5: chaotic chords

Summary:

Till chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re insufferable.”

“And yet you keep letting me into your space.”

Till's heart raced as he considered how easy it was to let down his guard with Ivan, how natural it felt to share this part of himself. It wasn’t as peaceful as he felt with Mizi, he wasn’t as calm and steady. He felt more… chaotic, with Ivan, less able to control and compose his emotions.

He did not know what to name it, but he decided whatever this feeling was, was not positive . 

Till led the way down the hall toward the music room, his heart pounding as they entered the quiet, slightly dim space. The room’s acoustics absorbed their steps, leaving an oddly intimate silence hanging between them. He put his guitar down carefully, while carefully dropping the bags and Ivan’s jacket on one of the chairs.

Soon, Ivan entered after him as he closed the door. As he expected, the room was big and echoed his steps, capturing lots of sunlight. Ivan settled against the wall as he smirked, crossing his arms, his gaze unwavering. “I’ve got high expectations, you know,” he teased lightly. There was a rare openness in his eyes, a small sign that he was actually… interested. Till felt the anxiety crippling inside his stomach, rethinking his decision of befriending this guy. It felt uncomfortable- but Till pushed past it, nodding as he strummed a few testing chords.

Till closed his eyes, letting lyrics he’d written play in his mind. This wasn’t just a song; it felt like an unveiling, as though every chord was a confession to himself. 

Taking a deep breath,Till  let the stillness of the room envelop him. He took his guitar out of the case before he sat down, positioning his fingers on the strings and began to play the familiar rhythm in his head, starting with the trial-error method to really understand how he wanted this to go. Eventually, the chords of Black Sorrow started echoing softly against the walls. As he sang the first lines, his voice trembled slightly, resonating with the weight of the words:

"This deep black darkness
Weighing down my soul
Despite the crushing force
I cannot push back..."

The melody swirled around them, each note feeling like a piece of himself spilling out, raw and unfiltered. He poured his heart into the song, channelling the frustration and longing that had been trapped inside him for so long. But as he reached the chorus, doubt crept in, and he faltered.

"So black, black as it can be
This sick love I can't push back..."

He realized, mid-verse, that the lyrics didn’t quite fit his voice. The deep, brooding tone of the song felt foreign coming from him, like he was wearing someone else's skin. These were his lyrics, yet it did not feel like it belonged to him. He still didn’t feel like his own person. 

Suddenly, he paused. the realization struck him—this wasn’t his truth, not yet. The sound that filled the air felt heavy and thick, and for a moment, he struggled to catch his breath.

As the notes he sang so far hung in the air, he raised his eyes to find Ivan watching him intently, his expression a mix of curiosity and something else—something that made Till’s heart race and stomach twist.

“Yeah, that was... something,” Ivan said, a hint of a smirk, his snaggletooth peeking at the corner of his lips. “But it doesn’t really fit you, does it?”

Till scowled, annoyance bubbling beneath the surface. “What are you, the expert now?”

Ivan shrugged, his gaze steady. “I’m just saying it didn’t sound right. You could try something lighter, maybe? Or...”

“Or what?” Till snapped, frustration boiling over. “You want to give it a shot? Go ahead!”

Ivan raised an eyebrow, his smirk fading slightly as he pushed himself off the wall. “Fine. Just show me the lyrics.”

Till's heart raced as he watched Ivan take the seat beside him, the air between them charged. He felt a mix of irritation and interest- he had never heard Ivan sing despite being in the music department. 

“Just follow my lead,” Till muttered, tuning back into the moment, his fingers ready to play the chorus of the song. As they prepared to dive into the music, he couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t just about the song anymore. It about- forming a new connection, perhaps? Something he never quite did since he’s had the same people in his life since he was five. 

Till strummed the opening chords again, his fingers dancing across the strings with renewed determination. Ivan leaned in closer, his eyes locked onto the guitar as he listened intently, absorbing the rhythm, learning which lyrics hit where.

“Alright, I think I’ve got it,” Ivan said, confident in his voice. “Let’s give it a shot.”

Till nodded, slightly furrowing his eyebrows involuntarily. 

As they began, Till’s heartbeat quickened, each strum igniting something. Frustration, excitement, anxiety- and some other emotions he usually hid deep within him. 

Eventually, Ivan’s voice cut through the air, deep and resonant, filling the gaps where Till’s had faltered.

“Like a black, black sorrow,
A story of such woe...”

There was a rawness in Ivan’s voice, an emotion that seeped into the melody, transforming the song into something different—something powerful. Till’s fingers continued to move instinctively over the strings, but his mind was captivated by the way Ivan delivered the lyrics, infusing them with a weight that was both haunting and beautiful.

As they reached the final chorus, Till found himself swept up in the moment, the earlier tension melting like mist under sunlight. They shared a glance, and for a heartbeat, the world outside didn’t matter. Mizi, life, his studies- nothing mattered, leaving just the two of them suspended in this intimate moment.

Ivan smirked with his snaggletooth peeking, prepared to make a comment to make Till frustrated over the look on his face when he heard Ivan sing, but Till spoke before him.

“You’ve got a hell of a voice,” He admitted, a hint of awe in his tone. He hadn’t expected this. Hadn’t expected to feel this connection through the music, nor Ivan’s annoying voice actually sounding good when he sang. 

Caught by surprise- Ivan chuckled, a hint of vulnerability breaking through his usual distant demeanour. “Thanks.” He flashed a teasing smile. “I am surprised you didn’t get mad over me singing your song better, considering how violent you are.” Although he teased, there was a softness in his eyes that made Till’s stomach flutter.

“You weren’t that much better than me.” Till replied, rolling his eyes but unable to suppress the grin tugging at his lips. “Rather than a competition, it’s more like a collaboration. You can;t play the guitar after all, can you?” He slightly lowered his head, glancing at his guitar. “Just... keep going.”

Ivan made a noise of approval as Till started playing the chords, as Ivan’s voice cut through the air with his voice again.

“The gaze I chased-”

Till shivered as he felt Ivan's gaze on him.  

“Up until now”

Ivan took a breath-

“Your touch so close but I can see,
The more I wait,”

Till tried to pay less attention to the way Ivan sung that song, his voice hitting every tune and tone with such emotion. No matter how much he tried to get it out of his mind, Mizi appeared in it. He felt a strong force squeezing his heart as he pictured the way Mizi smiled with Sua- so warm and so close. The same smile that made Till think he had a special place in Mizi’s heart, something that made him idolize her, want to be like her- 

“The less you seem to want me” 

There was a fierce intensity in his expression, and for a moment, Till felt exposed, as if Ivan could see right through him. He wondered if Ivan felt the weight of the lyrics too, if he understood the layers of pain and yearning woven into the fabric of the song.

Feeling a heaviness in his chest, Till tuned Ivan’s voice out, purposefully not hearing and focusing his attention to playing the chorus. When the last note faded, silence filled the room, heavy. Till’s heart raced, an adrenaline-fueled rush surging through him.

“What do you think?” Ivan said, breaking the spell. 

“You did… really good.” Till murmured, feeling a warmth spread through his chest. “I didn’t expect that.”

Ivan smirked again, the playful glint returning to his eyes. “What can I say? I’ve got skills.”

Till chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re insufferable.”

“And yet you keep letting me into your space.”

Till's heart raced as he considered how easy it was to let down his guard with Ivan, how natural it felt to share this part of himself. It wasn’t as peaceful as he felt with Mizi, he wasn’t as calm and steady. He felt more… chaotic, with Ivan, less able to control and compose his emotions.

He did not know what to name it, but he decided whatever this feeling was, was not positive . 

“Maybe I’m just trying to figure you out,” Till shot back, trying to mask the vulnerability creeping into his voice. “You’re... interesting.”

“Interesting, huh? I’ll take it.” Ivan leaned back, arms crossed, a satisfied grin spreading across his face. “So, what’s next? More of my genius ideas??”

​​Till’s heart pounded in his chest as Ivan’s gaze lingered on him, a mix of curiosity that sent a jolt through him. It felt as if the walls he’d built were starting to crack.

“Uhm, maybe spoke.” Till corrected himself, clearing his throat to break the tension. “Would you like to… make this song yours, if you want? For the showcase in February- Sua said some scouts and agencies might be there.” He tried to keep his tone light, but the weight of his own words hung heavy in the air. “I mean, your voice clearly fits it better, it’s as if I wrote this thinking about your emotions.” Till chuckled nervously. 

Ivan leaned in, his interest palpable. “Hm… Sure but are you okay with just giving this song to me?” He looked into Till’s eyes. “Maybe we could compose something together, what do you think?” 

Till paused, his fingers still resting on the guitar strings. He never really shared his music, yet alone composed with someone. He had always worked alone, wrapping his thoughts in the comfort of solitude. But now, sitting next to Ivan, the offer seemed tempting- a way to show Mizi he could be something without her. 

But then, the reality hit him-

No way am I doing this teacher's pet a favour. 

“Nah, that’s too big of a commitment.” Till admitted, seeing a slight shift in Ivan’s gaze. 

“Why?” Ivan asked. “Everyone else is grouping up, music is better when it's done by more people- more vocals, more instruments?”

“Who says that?” Till started packing his guitar. “Think of the biggest idols you know of- IU, Luka-” his voice shook a little, as he knew the latter personally. He also caught Ivan’s eyes furrowing by the mention of Luka. That’s weird , he thought. “Some people are better solo, get that into your brain. Fucking freak.” Till got up, suddenly annoyed at Ivan for not reason that actually made sense. 

He flipped Ivan off as he gathered his stuff, leaving without saying a goodbye- 

Freak, huh? That’s a new one. Ivan thought, laying back to the uncomfortable wooden chair as he looked at the ceiling. His eyes slid to the small notebook he was holding- He forgot this. He smiled to himself. Another reason for me to invade his personal space, how fun. 

-

Till arrived at the orphanage right before dinner was about to end, able to make himself a big plate full of the burnt pieces of pork belly that no one picked up, some kimchi and stale rice. He skipped the dessert as there was none left. Making himself comfortable on one of the tables with the younger boys, his mind was at ease, as he knew Mizi would never come to dinner this late- being the picky eater she is. 

He took a spoonful of rice, chewing with his mouth closed. He felt someone approaching behind him, not caring much as it was a crowded cafeteria after all. Suddenly, reaching from his behind, a hand put a cup of jello in front of him. 

“I saved this for you.” said the voice he’s been longing for without even realising- the rice got caught up in his oesophagus, as he started coughing. Worrying, Mizi ran to grab a glass of water, bringing in one time.  “Are you okay?” Till took the glass hurriedly as he chugged it- eventually stopping to cough, he tried catching his breath.

“D-Don’t… approach me like that.” He put his hand on his heart, as if to feel it. 

“I’m sorry, I got scared you would run away again if I approached you from where you can see.” Mizi apologised as she sat down on the seat across Till. She had her glasses on. Contacts bothered Mizi’s eyes quite a lot, yet she decided she wasn’t gonna let people see people in her highschool with glasses on- she called it “rebranding”. 

Till took a deep breath, as Mizi’s presence felt… weird. It was still calm but somehow, the feelings sat on his chest heavy. 

“...Thank you for the jello, I guess.” Till muttered. He knew how much Mizi had a sweet tooth for anything that's sweet- she used to chew on sugar cubes she could find when the cafeteria was closed. Hyuna once said it reminded her of Luka- who also did the same thing apparently. 

Mizi nodded, trying to figure out what she wanted to say in her head. “Do you wanna…Skip school tomorrow? Together?” She looked directly into Till’s eyes. It wasn’t as if she saw through Till, like Ivan- her eyes, her gaze showed that she understood Till, without him having to let his guard down. 

Till looked down at the jello, feeling a twist in his stomach. He didn’t want to keep running away from Mizi, but being around her stirred up all kinds of feelings he wasn’t sure he wanted to deal with. Skipping school, though? That felt like a big step.

“I don’t know, Mizi,” he said, poking at the rice with his spoon. “Why do you want to skip school? It’s not like you. Besides, we’ll get in trouble, and I’m not exactly looking for more problems right now.”

Mizi tilted her head, studying him, and then her expression softened. “Come on, Till. When’s the last time you did something just because you wanted to? You used to be up for everything.” She took a deep breath, her eyes flickering with a playful glint. “We could do something spontaneous. Like… pierce your ears. You’ve always wanted to, right?”

Till’s face scrunched up in surprise. “What? Just like that? No way, Mizi. Besides, that’s not something you just… do.” He crossed his arms, feigning resistance, even though his mind was already racing with the idea of it. “We can’t pierce my ears without an adult. It's got to be against some rule.”

“Okay, fine,” she replied, rolling her eyes but smiling. “We’ll ask Hyuna to come with us. She’s technically an adult.”

Till shook his head, half-expecting the conversation to end, but Mizi just kept looking at him, her gaze unwavering and… hopeful. She was serious.

He let out a sigh, the argument bubbling in his mind as he tried to rationalize saying no. But somewhere, beneath his excuses, there was a part of him that actually wanted this. Something about the idea of skipping out on school, of leaving behind the normalcy and the expectations, felt like a breath of fresh air. 

He wanted to become his own person, right? Stop being reliant on Mizi. Maybe, that didn’t quite mean he should avoid her, but learn to be his own person around her influence too..

“Alright,” he finally muttered, not meeting her eyes. He gave in not because Mizi suggested it, but he really, really did want those piercings. “But what if Hyuna says no, what will we do?”

Mizi’s grin was immediate, lighting up her face. “Oh, she won’t.” she said, practically bouncing in her seat. She reached over and grabbed his hand, her fingers warm against his as she gave it a squeeze. “I am going to let her dye the tips of my hair blue- she always said I would look more like a “diva” that way, remember?”

As Till chuckled to Mizi’s plan, for the first time in a while, he felt calm. His heart was beating fast, but not racing. Somehow, he felt closer to Mizi, and it wasn’t in a way where she had to make sure Till had balance.

Chapter 6: inside your heart

Summary:

They finally reached the door, where Mizi gave a light knock, hesitant but determined. When there was no response, Till gave it a knock that was a lot harder than the one before, which resulted in a muffled shuffle coming from inside. After a moment, the door cracked open to reveal a sleepy Hyuna, hair tousled and wrapped in a loose cardigan. She blinked at them, her eyes adjusting, before breaking into a warm, if slightly confused, smile.

“Y'all can’t keep showing up like this.” She stood aside to let them in. “Skipping school, huh?” she teased, “You know, I had a feeling you two would make up within a day or two and pull something like this shit.”

Till blushed slightly as he furrowed his eyebrows, still a bit self-conscious as he entered. “It wasn’t exactly my idea,” he admitted, glancing sideways at Mizi, who grinned unapologetically.

The early morning light filtered through the thin curtains in the shared room at the orphanage, casting a soft glow across Till’s face. He blinked awake slowly, the events of last night sinking in as he remembered Mizi’s plan. They’d spent the rest of the evening planning the next steps, but a pang of nervous excitement mixed with doubt tugged at him as he lay there. This was the first time in… well, not a long time, that he was planning to skip school.

It took Till about five minutes to get dressed and get his stuff, as he left the room to go brush his teeth, Mizi, already up and dressed, was waiting at Till’s door, before Till even woke up. With a mischievous glint in her eyes, “Ready to go?” she whispered. She’d dressed in her casual clothes, a dark hoodie layered over her school uniform shirt, making it easier to blend in as they left.

Till looked down, still groggy, rubbing a hand over his face. “Are we really doing this?” he asked, half to himself, looking at her with bleary eyes.

Mizi nodded, a grin spreading across her face. “We’re really doing this.”

Till took a deep breath as he walked towards the bathroom. “Lemme piss and brush my teeth, I’ll be right back.” 

Mizi giggled as she picked up her backpack, heavier than usual, filled with supplies she’d insisted on bringing—snacks, a change of clothes, and even a spare bottle of hair dye for later.

Reluctantly, Till finished his bathroom activities, grabbed his things, and they slipped out of the orphanage and into the crisp morning air as Till was tugging his jacket tighter around himself. The streets were busy, and for a moment, it felt like any other weekday they went through before Mizi created new bonds with different people. They walked toward the usual bus stop, school bags slung over their shoulders for appearances’ sake.

As they strolled toward the bus stop, they kept their heads down, blending into the steady stream of students with little effort. Every few steps, Mizi would glance over at Till, her face caught between excitement and barely-contained laughter. Till couldn’t help furrow his eyebrows as he held back his smile. He felt different towards Mizi, still warm and nice, but it was just… Not getting to his head as much as it used to, as if he got used to his feelings towards her- which he never actually did, always hoping for something more, until now. 

They waited at the bus stop for a while, biding their time, but as soon as the usual crowd boarded, Mizi gave him a nudge. Without a word, they slipped away, taking a side street that led them toward a quieter path. The rush of people and vehicles faded as they walked deeper into the city’s residential district, where the early hours painted a calm, lazy atmosphere over the buildings.

The route was familiar, thanks to their previous visit to Hyuna’s apartment, but still held an element of secrecy that made Till’s pulse race. “You know, she probably won’t even be awake yet,” Till murmured as they passed a small bakery with its doors just starting to open. The scent of fresh bread and pastries drifted out, warming the chilly air.

Mizi shrugged, looking over her shoulder as if expecting to see someone watching them. “She’d wake up for us, trust me,” she said with a smirk. “Besides, she’ll get why we need her help.”

Finally, they turned onto the narrow street where another bus stop was present. The bus from here was just a station away from the train station that would bring them to Hyuna’s neighbourhood- however, the bus came once every hour, it was barely convenient. 

As they waited for the bus, Till glanced around nervously, tugging at the strap of his bag. Mizi tapped her foot impatiently, scanning the street as if trying to pull their destination closer by sheer force of will.

The bus arrived with a hiss, and they climbed aboard, taking seats near the back. Till let his gaze wander out the window as the familiar scenery blurred past. “You’re seriously committed to this,” he whispered, giving her a sideways look.

“Of course,” she replied, barely able to hide her grin. “I told you—today’s about us. We’re leaving all that school stuff and…” she paused for a bit, taking a deep breath. “Other stuff behind.”

Till caught a glimpse of some sadness- some kind of doubt in her voice. He decided not to dig too deep, as he still wasn’t in full understanding of his own emotions, he shouldn’t be trying to help people release theirs. 

As they got off the bus, the train station was just a few blocks away. The click of their footsteps against the sidewalk echoed in the early morning quiet, the station bustling as people hurried through their routines. Till watched them, suddenly hyper-aware of how different their own day was going to be.

Once aboard the train, they found a quiet corner near the doors, surrounded by half-asleep commuters. Mizi dug around in her bag, pulling out a chocolate bar she’d brought for the ride, breaking off a piece and handing it to him. “Here, might as well have some fun now,” she whispered with a smile. “This is Ivan’s favourite chocolate actually, did you know?”

Till shook his head as took the chocolate as he whispered, “Thank you.” For some reason, he felt a short yet unbearable emotion wash over him by the mention of Ivan- but again, he tried not to look much into it. He did not wanna ruin the day by having another mental breakdown due to an overdose of his emotions. 

The train stop was a short walk from Hyuna’s building. By the time they reached Hyuna's neighbourhood, the first signs of the city fully waking up were starting to show—shops opening, people on their morning jogs, and the sounds of daily life filling the air.

“Almost there,” Mizi said, giving him a little nudge as they reached the front of Hyuna’s apartment complex. The tall, modest building loomed over them, its familiar exterior as much a reminder of friendship as it was of new possibilities.

Mizi stopped, taking a deep breath as she looked up at the window. She glanced over at Till, as if searching for a spark of confidence in his expression. “You ready to make this official?”

He gave her a lopsided grin, nerves settling under the familiar warmth of her confidence. “Let’s do it.”

Mizi led the way up the narrow staircase to Hyuna’s apartment complex, her steps light, nearly bouncing with anticipation. Till followed, steadying himself with each step as his hand brushed the cool railing. While they were about to ring the bell, a short guy in a black mask and a hoodie came out, not even fully letting the apartment complex door close before he walked through them. Till and Mizi looked at each other as Till held the door so it wouldn’t close, “This can’t be safe.” Mizi muttered, 

They finally reached the door, where Mizi gave a light knock, hesitant but determined. When there was no response, Till gave it a knock that was a lot harder than the one before, which resulted in a muffled shuffle coming from inside. After a moment, the door cracked open to reveal a sleepy Hyuna, hair tousled and wrapped in a loose cardigan. She blinked at them, her eyes adjusting, before breaking into a warm, if slightly confused, smile.

“Y'all can’t keep showing up like this.” She stood aside to let them in. “Skipping school, huh?” she teased, “You know, I had a feeling you two would make up within a day or two and pull something like this shit.” 

Till blushed slightly as he furrowed his eyebrows, still a bit self-conscious as he entered. “It wasn’t exactly my idea,” he admitted, glancing sideways at Mizi, who grinned unapologetically.

Hyuna rolled her eyes fondly, crossing her arms. “I figured as much.” She closed the door behind them and motioned for them to follow her into the cozy living room, where she tossed a few stray blankets onto the couch to make space. “So, what’s the plan for today? I’m assuming you didn’t come here to just hang out.”

Mizi took a seat on the couch, looking around at Hyuna’s apartment with a sense of purpose. “We’ve got some big stuff lined up today.” She reached into her backpack, pulling out the bottle of hair dye with a mischievous smile. “First up, I am finally letting you dye my hair- only the tips tho!.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow, laughing softly as she looked at the bottle. “And here I thought you’d just be sneaking around the city. This is way more fun.”

“And we’re piercing Till’s ears,” Mizi added, throwing him a glance. “Just to complete the look, you know?”

Till’s face warmed at the mention, but he managed a casual shrug. “Might as well,” he said, doing his best to play it cool.

Hyuna eyed him with an amused smirk. “You sure you’re ready for that, Till?”

He gave a little nod, his fingers absentmindedly brushing his earlobes. “I think so.”

They spent the next few minutes setting up in Hyuna’s small kitchen, spreading out supplies on the table. Mizi, ever the director of their little operation, took charge, gathering towels and setting out the hair dye with practiced precision. She sat down by the window where the morning light streamed in, turning her face a warm, golden hue.

Hyuna looked at her up and down, parting her hair into parts and tying them up. “I wish you would let me dye your slut strand completely blue-” Hyuna teased before Mizi shouted with a blush. “I won’t go that far! There is still the possibility that my ballet teacher will make me chop the blue parts.” She pouted, managing a laugh from Hyuna.

Hyuna, carefully applying the dye to the tips of Mizi’s hair. "All right, all right. Just the tips, then. But if you ever go full blue, you know where to find me."

Mizi laughed, shifting a bit as she felt the cold dye on her hair. "Maybe one day," she said with a grin. "But only if I’m brave enough to face the consequences."

Till watched them, feeling a pang of admiration as he took in their easy friendship. He hadn’t been around this kind of warmth in a while, and it was… nice, even he was used to both of their presence. 

As Hyuna worked on Mizi’s hair, she glanced over at him. “Alright, Till, while we wait for this dye to set, let’s get those ears pierced.”

He felt his heart skip a beat. "Yeah… uh, how’s this gonna work exactly?"

Hyuna rolled her eyes playfully, reaching into her drawer and pulling out a sterile needle kit. “Calm down, Till. I’m not a hack.” She motioned for him to sit on the kitchen counter due to the lack of space there was in the kitchen. “You can squeeze Mizi’s hand if you need to.”

Mizi snorted, still holding a piece of foil at the end of her dyed strands. "Don’t worry, Till. It’s like a little sting, and it’ll be over before you know it."

He took a deep breath, planting himself on the counter, feeling suddenly self-conscious as Hyuna held the needle close. “Okay, just… do it quick.”

She winked. “You got it, twinkle star.” 

When Till closed his eyes to take a deep breath and calm down before this went down- with a swift, precise movement quickly, Hyuna pierced his first ear, putting in the earrings Mizi had brought. Before he even had time to react, the second was done.

Till’s reaction was delayed as he raised his hands to his ears, not touching, but trying to swallow  the presence of the earrings. 

 “All set,” Hyuna announced, holding up a small hand mirror, as Mizi was looking at them, mouth agape. “I didn’t even see it!” she protested. 

He glanced at his reflection, feeling an odd surge of pride. The tiny silver studs made him look… different, older somehow, a little bolder. "Not bad," he murmured, his lips twitching into a small smile.

Mizi grinned. “Told you it’d look good! You’re like a whole new Till.”

“More like a man whore Till-” Hyuna didn’t continue as she laughed at her own joke.

Till shrugged as he was still admiring the reflection, and ignored the joke Hyuna just made. He looked up to her and mumbled,  “Thanks, Hyuna,”, feeling some warmth in his chest.

She patted his shoulder. “Anytime. This is a big day for all of us, apparently.”

The three of them shared a quiet moment, soaking in the comfortable silence of the apartment. The small, rebellious acts that felt huge in their small corner of the world- and they were lucky enough to have people share this moment with.

Soon later, Hyuna checked the timer on her phone and gave Mizi’s hair a tug. “Alright, let’s rinse out this masterpiece. Come on, the bathroom's this way.”

Mizi hopped up, and Till followed them, watching as Hyuna helped Mizi rinse the dye, her fingertips lightly scrubbing the color out. Soon, the tips of Mizi’s hair were a soft, vibrant blue, gleaming under the bathroom light. She beamed at her reflection, her usual confidence growing ten times more.

“Okay, I love it,” Mizi said, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she looked at them both. “You guys did great.”

Hyuna nudged her, playfully rolling her eyes. “You’re welcome. Now, don’t let this ‘blue tip’ thing ruin any ballet dreams, alright?”

Till looked at Mizi’s hair, slightly fascinated but… calm. Too calm for his liking. Despite the calmness, his heart beat fast and rapidly. For a moment, standing in that small, steamy bathroom with the scent of hair dye lingering in the air, he felt at ease—a rare, precious feeling he wanted to hold onto just a little longer.

Hyuna looked at her fingertips, chewing the inside of his cheeks as she furrowed her eyes. “Jeez, look at that. All blue. What am I, fucking Luka?” she muttered to herself, though the other two could hear her just fine.

Mizi perked up at the mention of Luka, curiosity flashing in her eyes. "Wait—are you still talking to him?” She asked, her voice filled with genuine interest. Till couldn’t help but furrow his eyebrows. 

Hyuna looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, carefully rinsing her blue-stained fingertips, avoiding eye contact. “Talking might be an overstatement,” she murmured, smirking slightly. “More like... occasional texts. He gave Dewey like- two million won (around 2000$) for my number.”

Till shot Mizi a curious glance, but she brushed it off with a laugh. “That’s… crazy.” She paused, twirling a freshly dyed blue strand between her fingers. She did not continue her words, as Hyuna and Luka’s relationship was… complicated, per say. 

Hyuna did not let this conversation continue either, leading them back into the living room, where she plopped down onto the couch, stretching out comfortably. “So, what’s next on the list? It’s like- One o’clock.” She glanced at the clock. “Surely one of you must’ve planned something, right?” 

Till shrugged. “Not really, actually. I thought it would take longer to do this.” He laid back to the couch. “...I don’t wanna leave yet though.” 

The other two stayed silent for a bit, as Mizi’s expression suddenly changed, as if she was... Stressed? Anxious? Constipated? Till wasn’t sure, honestly. 

Mizi laughed nervously, she started fidgeting with her finger as she looked at her feet. “I… actually have something important to tell you guys.” Her voice was filled with uncertainty, as if she herself wasn’t sure of what was about to come out of her mouth. 

“What? Did you somehow get adopted at your big age?” Hyuna teased, chuckling. 

Mizi chuckled, though it wasn’t a type of chuckle that was filled with joy- she sounded nervous. They all stayed silent for a bit, Till looking at Mizi, trying to read her expression, trying to understand what she felt before she spoke her mind. 

“I don’t wish to be adopted anymore, you guys are my family after all.” She sighed, suddenly a sudden blush appearing on her cheeks. “What I wanted to say is that I-” she gulped, trying to get the words out of throat. “I-I…”

Till could observe her confidence shrinking. He did not know what she could possibly want to say that made her express herself like this, insecure and unsure. This wasn’t the Mizi he knew- this wasn’t his Mizi. 

Suddenly, Mizi’s posture straightened as if her confidence had just spiked. She looked into his eyes, then Hyuna’s eyes. Her eyes full of confidence, warmth, and a kind of love Till had always been jealous of- cutting his flow of thoughts, Mizi suddenly blurted out. 

“I like girls. Or- a girl, I am not sure. Google says I might be a bisexual? I don’t know, I never liked a guy like in my life and- UGH!” Suddenly she bent her upper body in between her  knees, scratching her head like crazy. “Why does this have to be so complicated? I don’t get it. It’s just that- I think for the first time in my life, I wish to be held rather than to be one holding.” She raised her head, looking directly into Till’s eyes, “I… love you Till, you know? I love Hyuna too. You- you have always been the most important person in my life, always there for me, and I am always here for you. I like- comforting you, I guess. But I don’t feel as safe in your arms as I feel in her’s-” Her eyes teared up and her nose started getting red, her bottom lip quivering like a baby that’s about to burst crying. “I- Is this love? I don’t know. You guys are the closest thing I have ever had to what love is- but this time, it’s different.” She sobbed, using her hands to hide her face, ugly and scrunched up. “Please- please don’t hate me."

Chapter 7: promises

Summary:

“Till, are you okay-” Mizi’s voice got interrupted by Till.

“This isn’t about me, Mizi!” he raised his voice, as a tear or two fell off his left eye. His eyebrows were furrowed as his whole face slowly turned red. “I- I love you too, you’re my closest family. The fact you… trust us with this part of yourself means more than you realize," Till finally choked out, his voice barely above a whisper. He tightened his hold, resting his chin atop her head as he swallowed back the rush of emotion threatening to spill over. “I may not understand everything, but I don’t need to. All I know is that you deserve every bit of happiness, Mizi, and if Sua is part of that… then I’m all in. We both are.”

Mizi closed her eyes, letting herself sink into the moment. She could feel Till’s heartbeat, the unsteady rhythm mirroring her own. For the first time, she didn’t have to wonder if it was okay to share the weight of her emotions with others. It was just… okay. No hidden expectations. Just love, plain and simple.

Mizi had always been a rather independent person. She was a natural nurturer, the friend who held everyone together, the one people called when they needed a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen to. Her life was built around others’ needs, and she’d always taken pride in that role, finding comfort in the steadiness of her support. She enjoyed the independence of her feelings, not having to share it with people to be able to be in peace with herself. Misi was used to managing things on her own, unbothered by loneliness that might have bothered someone else. If her friends and family were okay, Mizi was okay. That was enough.

Or so she’d thought.

Then she’d met Sua, and her world had shifted in ways she didn’t quite understand. Sua was a year above her, mysterious and reserved in a way that contrasted with Mizi’s usual crowd. They’d met by chance, paired together by her ballet teacher because they were strong in places the other wasn’t. Mizi was good at finding rhythm in melodies, and following, supporting others on stage. Her movement was delicate yet missing something- not like a swan, but like a leaf falling off a tree. Though it was graceful, it could easily be thrown off balance by a slight wind, falling and getting mixed with every other dead leaf on the ground. She had an outstanding talent yet she did not stand out among other dancers. Sua on the other hand has a voice that sounded like a fallen angel begging God to be allowed back in Heaven. Unlike Mizi’s outstanding talent in dance, Sua’s voice wasn't special compared to all those student, yet the way she had her rhythm made her an outstanding artist, making many believe she was gonna excel after graduation.

At first, Mizi had assumed their interaction would be just another fleeting acquaintance. But there was something about Sua that was different—a calm confidence that made Mizi’s heart beat just a little faster.

The feeling had caught her off guard. At first, it was just a small, nagging thought. Sua’s presence was soothing in a way that made Mizi feel… safe, like she didn’t have to be so independent and strong around her. It was strange and unfamiliar. Instead of wanting to be the one supporting and caring, she found herself craving the opposite: the comforting warmth of Sua’s presence, the way Sua’s eyes held her gaze with such calm intensity. It wasn’t like anything Mizi had felt before, and that unsettled her.

The more she thought about it, the more she realized how badly she wanted something she saw as selfish, something she’d never let herself want. She wanted to be held, to be cared for without feeling like she had to earn it. And with Sua, for the first time, she felt that it might be okay to just… need.

But it was confusing, almost terrifying. Was this what love felt like? The question was both thrilling and terrifying, and it lingered in her mind with an intensity she wasn’t ready for.

As Mizi grappled with her emotions, she found herself in a fog of confusion, frustration, and curiosity. The feelings were overwhelming, and they left her fumbling for answers in ways that she had never experienced before. Falling for a girl was something she’d never imagined—not because she didn’t accept it, but because she had never considered it might happen outside of movies they studied in class.

She remembered sitting on her bed one night, with the second hand laptop she received as a gift on her birthday from Hyuna and Till open, typing questions into search engines with hesitant fingers. “How do you know if you like a girl?” or “Am I gay?” The impersonal questions felt embarrassing to ask, even alone, yet she couldn’t stop. She clicked through online quizzes that promised clarity but only gave her generic answers that made her feel even more lost. Each result seemed to say, “Maybe.” Maybe she was, maybe she wasn’t. Maybe this was just a phase, or maybe it was something more.

The uncertainty weighed on her, and she realized that no quiz or search result was going to offer the clarity she was desperately seeking. But as the questions continued to gnaw at her, she found herself unable to keep it all bottled up.

As the confusion in Mizi’s mind deepened, the small moments around her seemed to take on a new weight. She kept noticing Till pulling back, like he was slipping away before her eyes. At first, it was the subtle things: he’d avoid eye contact or make an excuse to leave early, and the easy conversations they once shared felt more like her chasing a shadow. For Mizi, who had always been so steady and sure in her relationships, this shift was deeply unsettling. The one person who had always understood her, even without words, was becoming someone she no longer recognized.

It all came to a head one evening in the orphanage dining hall, just as dinner was winding down. Till wasn’t there for the longest time, which made Mizi doubt whether it was a good idea to catch him here. As the sound of forks scraping against plates and quiet chatter filled the air, Till arrived, not looking around the dining hall. He walked slowly near the food hall, grabbed a tray and got the last pieces of food that was left.

Mizi’s attention was solely on Till, sitting at the far end of a table in a hidden corner (probably why Till did not even see her). He looked tired, his shoulders hunched as he picked at his food. A pang of worry twisted in her stomach—she’d been so caught up in her own struggles, she hadn’t stopped to ask what was going on with him.

Without thinking too much, she picked up tje small cup of jello she’s been saving, one of her favorite desserts, and walked over to his end of the table. Gently, she set the cup in front of him, hoping the small gesture would convey what she couldn’t quite say out loud: I’m still here. You’re not alone.

“I saved this for you.” she said, which seemed to catch Till by surprise as he starting coughing, rice pieces falling out of his mouth. Worried, Mizi ran to grab water and offered it to him. “Are you okay?”

Till took the water and drank as, later pausing as he tried to catch his breath. “D-Don’t… approach me like that.”

For a moment, Till’s eyes flicked up to meet hers, a flash of something in them that she couldn’t place. Maybe surprise, maybe relief, but then it was gone, replaced by that guarded distance that had become all too familiar. 

Mizi gave him a faint smile, one that barely reached his eyes, and mumbled, “I’m sorry, I got scared you would run away again if I approached you from where you can see.” before sitting down across from him. 

She wanted to reach out, to ask him if he was okay, but the words caught in her throat. How could she, when she herself was grappling with questions she couldn’t answer? She watched him quietly, feeling the weight of her own secrets pressing down on her.

“…Thank you for the jello, I guess.” Till muttered.

As the hall emptied and they were left in the silence, she finally mustered the courage to speak. “Till,” she began, her voice barely a whisper, “Do you wanna…Skip school tomorrow? Together?”

He hesitated, glancing at her with a look she couldn’t quite read, “I don’t know, Mizi.” He played with his food. “Why do you want to skip school? It’s not like you. Besides, we’ll get in trouble, and I’m not exactly looking for more problems right now.”

He was right- why did she want to skip school? She tilted her head, trying to think of a reason why her heart desired such a thing. Before she even decided on a reason, she spoke.

Come on, Till. When’s the last time you did something just because you wanted to? You used to be up for everything.” She took a deep breath, her eyes flickering with a playful glint. “We could do something spontaneous. Like… pierce your ears. You’ve always wanted to, right?”

And that was how she ended up here- tears falling off her eyes, head between her hands with her pink hair that now had blue on the tips. 

She felt hysteric, she was scared of rejection from the two people she called family. The confession had not come easily. She shifted nervously the whole day, struggling to find the right words, feeling vulnerable in a way she wasn’t used to. But as she finally let the words spill out, admitting her feelings for Sua (well, she did just say "a girl” but she was sure Till could guess unless he was really dumb) and her confusion over her sexuality, a sense of relief washed over her. She sobbedC trying to calm herself down.

Stop crying. She sobbed, thinking to herself. Crying isn’t gonna help. Do you want them to accept you just because they feel pity for you- Another sob.

“Mizi…” Hyuna said with a soft voice, slowly reaching her hand to caress over her back. Mizi turned her eyes to her- though she was just facing Till’s eyes a second ago, she was not scared to look at him. He was silent. Too silent. 

“H-Hyuna…” She sobbed, suddenly hugging her tightly without giving it a second thought.

Mizi buried her face deeper into Hyuna's shoulder as tears fell from her eyes, the warmth of her friend- her family was comforting against the waterfall of emotions threatening to block her breath passage. She was trembling, caught in the tide of her fears, and she felt a deep ache of vulnerability—something she’d always shielded herself from.

“Why is this so hard?” Mizi murmured, her voice muffled. “I’ve always been strong for everyone else, but I feel so… weak right now.”

Hyuna's hand moved in soothing circles on Mizi's back, her voice gentle yet firm. “Feeling weak doesn’t make you weak, Mizi. It just means you’re human. We all have our moments of doubt and fear, especially when it comes to love and who we are.” She pushed herself back as she caressed over Mizi’s hair, locking their eyes. “You don’t have to carry this alone.”

Mizi pulled back slightly as well, her eyes scanning Hyuna’s face for reassurance. “But what if I mess everything up? What if I- I ruin everything between me and her? Is the act of love and affection… even normal between two girls?”

“Of course it is normal-” Hyuna replied, her gaze steady. “I would never walk away from you for a reason like this, and neither would Till.” She shot a glance at Till, something that wasn’t just asking for him to comfort Mizi- there was another meaning she was trying to deliver to Till. 

Mizi didn’t quite understand the reason Hyuna looked at Till like that until she turned head towards him. The expression on his face was something she had never seen before, not within the thirteen years she’s known her. 

“I- uhm, yeah, it’s normal.” Till said, trying to keep his composure. “It’s… Sua, right? Yeah, you guys would make a- uh, great pair.” He smiled, it wasn’t forced, but he didn’t seem comfortable either. 

He sat down next to Mizi, sandwiching her between himself and Hyuna. Hesitantly, he raised his arms and hugged her head, pressing her face to his shoulders.

Till had never been fond of physical touch, Shine had warned them the day before he arrived to be careful around him. He was violent and aggressive, they said. But the day Till arrived, he seemed so small, full of bruises, malnourished even- Mizi always saw him as someone timid and sensitive, rather than someone so violent.

“It’s normal, don’t you remember the couple that adopted Acorn?” Till asked, pressing her to himself harder than before. “The way they looked at each other was… so full of love and understanding. It’s like they were the only two people in the universe- no, as if they meant the whole universe to each other.” He took a deep breath, shaky, as if he was about to break down crying.

“Till, are you okay-” Mizi’s voice got interrupted by Till.

“This isn’t about me, Mizi!” he raised his voice, as a tear or two fell off his left eye. His eyebrows were furrowed as his whole face slowly turned red. “I- I love you too, you’re my closest family. The fact you… trust us with this part of yourself means more than you realize," Till finally choked out, his voice barely above a whisper. He tightened his hold, resting his chin atop her head as he swallowed back the rush of emotion threatening to spill over. “I may not understand everything, but I don’t need to. All I know is that you deserve every bit of happiness, Mizi, and if Sua is part of that… then I’m all in. We both are.”

Mizi closed her eyes, letting herself sink into the moment. She could feel Till’s heartbeat, the unsteady rhythm mirroring her own. For the first time, she didn’t have to wonder if it was okay to share the weight of her emotions with others. It was just… okay. No hidden expectations. Just love, plain and simple.

Hyuna joined them, her arms wrapping around both of them now like a second layer of warmth. “Whatever comes next, whatever you feel—there’s no rush to define it. You have us with you every step of the way,” she murmured, giving Mizi’s hand a comforting squeeze. “You’ve always been there for us. Let us be there for you too.”

Mizi let out a shuddering breath, her tears easing as the weight on her chest slowly lifted. "Thank you," she whispered. "Both of you."

The three of them sat there, the silence settling around them. Mizi didn’t know her interest in Sua was a one time experience, didn’t know what her heart might feel or what other questions might arise tomorrow. But in that moment, she knew she wasn’t alone, and somehow, that was enough.

-

The clock showed 01:13 when Mizi woke up to the flickering screen of her phone, some kind of notification from the mail app. After confessing what has been weighing her down, she called and begged Shine to spend the night at Hyuna’s. Though something like that wasn’t something Shine would allow with someone else, knowing Hyuna, she gave in to Mizi and Till. Her and Hyuna spoke about sexuality for a bit, while Till went on a walk to get some fresh air and grab some lunch from street vendors. They spent the rest of the day talking about anything and everything until Hyuna had to go to her shift at the bar around 21:00, in which Till joined her for the walk to the bus stop as he wanted some fresh air again. 

While waiting, Mizi took out the spare mattress in one of Hyuna’s closets and set it on the ground for Till, then prepared the couch for herself. Despite preparing the floor mattress for Till, she must have fallen asleep on the mattress before Till came back. (She could figure that out as he was sleeping on the couch instead of the mattress in Hyuna’s old clothes while she was still in the same shirt she had dyed her hair in.)

Mizi lay there for a moment, phone casting a soft glow around her in the darkness of Hyuna’s apartment. She could still feel the remnants of the day clinging to her—confusion, fear, relief, but also a profound sense of connection. Till and Hyuna’s support had been so immediate, so steady, and now, as she watched Till’s peaceful expression in the dim light, she felt an overwhelming gratitude. It wasn’t that she had all the answers now, but for once, she felt okay with that.

Just as she was drifting off again, there was a soft rustling from the couch. She blinked awake, her heart skipping a beat. Till had shifted in his sleep, his arm dangling off the edge, fingers twitching slightly as if reaching for something unseen. It was a small, vulnerable movement that tugged at her heart.

Mizi let herself watch him for a moment, thinking of the words he had whispered to her earlier. His expression, the unguarded emotion—it had revealed a part of him that she hadn’t fully understood. 

Mizi lay there, her gaze drifting between the quiet hum of the room and the sleeping form of Till on the couch. There was something calming about this scene, the shared silence filled with trust, with the memory of words spoken and unspoken. Her heart felt fuller somehow, the weight of the day slowly ebbing away, replaced by warmth and quiet gratitude. Just as her eyes started to close, she felt her phone vibrate softly in her hand, the screen lighting up once again.

A message.

She blinked, the brightness briefly blinding her as she adjusted her eyes. As the screen came into focus, her heart fluttered at the sight of a new notification— Sua .

Her hand trembled as she opened the message. It was short, but her heart skipped all the same.

sua sunbae<33

Are you up? 

I can’t sleep.

 01:22

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard as she wondered what to say. She wanted to be thoughtful, to find the right words tso Sua wouldn’t understand Mizi woke up to her message, as it would make her feel bad. 

 

i’m up!! 

me and till were having a sleepover with an old friend

but he fell asleep early 

[Image Attached, portraying Till asleep, his arm dangling off the edge]

01:22

Oh

I’m saving that, but don’t think of it in a weird way

Just incase I ever need a favour from Ivan

01:22

hahahaa 

you’re righttt

ivan loves to annoy till soo that makes sense

i’m surprised till still hasn’t jumped on him ngl

01:23

 

Oh, right

He really, really loves to annoy Till

The same way I love to make you smile 

01:23

Mizi felt her heart getting a lot faster than it was a second ago as blood rose up to her cheeks. She did not pay attention to anything Sua said besides the fact that- She likes to make me smile. She loves to make me smile. SHE LOVES TO MAKE ME SMILE. 

heheheheheh

you like to make me smile? how cute

01:24

Well, I did state that as a fact so, yes

Where were you guys today?

01:25

hmmm 

you’ll see tomorrow!!!

can you bring that vanilla perfume with you tho??

and a deodorant for til’s smelly ass

also, do you happen to have any 

erm

alcohol wipes

01:25

I am assuming the perfume is for you?

I will pack it up right now

I will text Ivan to bring one of his colognes and the alcohol wipes, 

01:26

thank youuu<33

you’re the nicest, sua sunbae :33

01:26

Hahaha 

You make me feel old

01:27

well, you are graduating this year so…

why are you awake though?? 

01:27

Uh

I couldn’t sleep

Just, thinking 

You know

01:27

about what?

01:28

My parents want me to perform at the church this sunday, I don’t know though

01:28

Mizi paused, realizing that her worries about coming out were only part of the storm inside her. The real problem was the girl she was… well, falling for. The girl who seemed like an angel, who did everything with a quiet grace, never straying from the path her beliefs had laid out for her. A girl who wouldn’t dream of going against the universe and her God. And yet, here Mizi was, heart tangled up in feelings she wasn’t sure she could—or even should—hold on to.

can we speak tomorrow?

sorry

goodnight

01:30

Oh, no problem

goodnight

1:30

She didn’t know how long she lay there, her thoughts swirling in a quiet storm. Eventually, she let her phone dim to black and turned over on the mattress, tugging the blanket around her shoulders. A strange sense of fear had started to creep in, filling the spaces that gratitude had occupied earlier. 

Chapter 8: between us

Summary:

Mizi nodded, her expression soft and sincere. “Till, I… I know I probably threw you off a bit. I didn’t mean to, though. I just wanted to be honest, with myself and with you.” She paused, her gaze steady on his. “You’ve always been so important to me. I don’t want you to think that’s changed.”

He swallowed hard, her words striking something tender inside him. It wasn’t Mizi’s fault, he knew that. She hadn’t led him on or given him false hope. But it still hurt, realizing that he’d wrapped so much of himself around her, only to find that she would never feel the same way.

He managed a nod. “I get it, Mizi. I really do. It’s just… I feel stupid, you know?… I mean, it was obvious and I still couldn’t see it, nor be there for you..” He gave a dry laugh, scratching the back of his neck hard enough to turn his skin red.

“Till.” Hyuna called, her voice softer than usual. She grabbed Till’s hand that was resting on his bent knee and placed some cash in his palm. “Go grab some food for us, will ya?” She smiled gently.

As Till walked outside of the apartment, the streets were alive with people and sounds, the bustling city pressing around him. He was supposed to get food, but each step away from the apartment felt like stepping further into an ache that wouldn’t leave him alone.

She likes girls. She might be lesbian. She likes Sua. Not me. Never me.

The thought spun over and over, each turn tighter, sharper, digging into him. His feelings, his plans, all the things he wanted to say—everything he’d bottled up was mixing up inside his stomach. He had planned to tell her eventually, to confess how much she meant to him, hoping that maybe she felt it, too. Now, that hope felt like a cruel joke.

The smell of sizzling meat drew him toward a vendor, but he only half-registered it as he bought a skewer. The vendor gave him a sympathetic nod, mistaking his blank stare for hunger, and handed him the food. Till took a slow bite, feeling the warmth of the food but tasting nothing.

Turning down a narrow alley, Till drifted toward a stall selling fish cakes and dumplings. The warmth of the stall and the aroma of spices mixed with the cool air, grounding him for a moment. He bought a big portion of dumplings and some fish cakes, asking for the sweet and spicy sauce that Mizi liked. As he was cradling the paper box in his hands, he sat down on a low concrete wall near the stall, watching people pass by, feeling oddly small among all the noise and motion. What do I do now? he thought. He’d spent so long thinking about Mizi, imagining she could be his person. And now she was figuring herself out, braver than he’d ever managed to be. It felt like he was left in the dust of her courage.

The realization settled over him slowly, like the warmth from the dumplings that was seeping into his fingers.. Maybe this wasn’t about Mizi at all—it was about him. For as long as he could remember, he’d been so focused on wanting to satisfy Mizi, to be seen by her. He stopped getting into fights in middle school cause she thought violence was not the answer, started studying to get into the same school as her, hell- he even decided to go into music and not art because Mizi once said his sense of rhythm was good. 

So, his whole life had always revolved around her, and now Mizi was learning to be honest with herself… maybe he could try, too.

Starting to get overwhelmed with his thoughts, he took out his phone, the screen cold against his hand, and opened his messages. The cursor blinked at him, and he typed out a short text to Ivan.

 

ivan

let’s do it.

13:24

 

Ivan responded almost immediately. 

 

Not even a “hi, how are you on this breezy november morning?”

So mean, where are your manners? 

13:25

fuck off

13:25

If you insist

13:25

 

His phone was quiet after that, as he bit his chapped bottom lip, causing it to bleed slightly. He took a deep breath, calming himself as he started typing again.

 

let’s

work on a song together, yeah?

13:28

Hmm 

Maybe

13:28

 

Oh, so he was online. He just chose not to fucking answer him after getting told to fuck off. Ivan really took him so seriously, huh? 

 

tf you mean maybe???

it was your idea 

13:29

Yes, and I am not saying no

I just have a few conditions

13:30

fucking hell

what conditions? 

13:31

Dunno :D

Let’s talk about it over dinner, shall we?

Since your skinny ass decided to skip today

13:32

i’m not that skinny

it’s muscle weight

13:33

If you say so 

13:33

 

Till paused for a minute, weighing the ups and downs of actually getting something to eat with dinner. He didn’t necessarily enjoy Ivan’s company, if anything, he would describe his emotions towards him as hate- he’d decided it was easier to hate someone than love them, as the consequences of their actions would have a lesser impact on you (as opposed to what Mizi made him feel like without even relaizing right now).

 

[Current Location Sent]

i’m like, one stop away from school right now

come meet me at like 21:00, k?

13:35

 

There was no response from Ivan for at least five minutes, thus he decided to put his phone back in his pocket and head back to Hyuna’s apartment with the food that was starting to get colder. 

He rang the bell as Hyuna buzzed opened the outside door of the apartment without even asking who it was. Till climbed up the stairs, knocking the door before Hyuna opened the door. 

“Finally, man. I’m starving.” She took the package from Till’s hands as he was taking his shoes off. 

Till followed Hyuna back into the apartment, the comforting warmth and scent of freshly fried food wrapped around him as he stepped inside. Mizi was on the couch, her new blue-dyed tips bright against her pink hair, and she gave him a quick smile that was softer, gentler than usual. She seemed to be feeling better. She patted the space next to her as he sat down, and Hyuna joined them, unpacking the dumplings, skewers, and fish cakes on the coffee table.

They ate quietly for a while. Mizi and Hyuna chatted in between bites, but Till was distant, his thoughts tangled and heavy. It felt strange to be here, with Mizi so close beside him, knowing that all the plans he’d built up around her were now just… gone. It was not that he was blaming Mizi for it, it was just strange. He needed more time to accept it.

Mizi must have noticed his silence because she nudged him gently. “Till? You’ve barely touched the dumplings. You okay?”

He looked down, realizing he’d been clutching a dumpling skewer without eating. He forced a half-smile, shrugging. “I ate a bunch of skewers on the way, not very hungry. Plus… I am still thinking about some stuff. ”

Hyuna gave him a knowing look. “You know you don’t have to keep things to yourself, right? Might as well spill everything out since we’ve already started.”

Mizi nodded, her expression soft and sincere. “Till, I… I know I probably threw you off a bit. I didn’t mean to, though. I just wanted to be honest, with myself and with you.” She paused, her gaze steady on his. “You’ve always been so important to me. I don’t want you to think that’s changed.”

He swallowed hard, her words striking something tender inside him. It wasn’t Mizi’s fault, he knew that. She hadn’t led him on or given him false hope. But it still hurt, realizing that he’d wrapped so much of himself around her, only to find that she would never feel the same way.

He managed a nod. “I get it, Mizi. I really do. It’s just… I feel stupid, you know?… I mean, it was obvious and I still couldn’t see it, nor be there for you..” He gave a dry laugh, scratching the back of his neck hard enough to turn his skin red.

“You aren’t stupid, Till. These kinds of things are not as solid as you think.” Hyuna said as she chewed on the dumpling that filled her mouth, making her sound funny. 

Mizi opened her mouth to say something too, but it was cut off by the sound of notifications coming from Till’s phone. He blushed slightly, furrowing his eyebrows. “This idiot…” He muttered to himself, the expression of unsureness washing away within seconds, noticed by both Mizi and Hyuna. 

He clicked on the notification, a reply from Ivan.

 

ivan

Sorry, almost got caught by the teacher.

I just checked that location from maps and it seems sketchy…

Are you trying to kidnap me, Till-ssi T-T

14:02

 

God, he typed like a fucking thirteen year old fan girl sometimes.

 

it’s near my friends place, i am gonna walk her to the station around that time anyways

we can get some tteokbokki

there is a stall that makes a sweet black bean sauce over it

you like sweets, right? 

14:03

There was no response for a while.

Yeah, I do. 

Wasn’t expecting you to know that

I guess you pay more attention to me than I notice

14:05

 

Till felt blood rising up to his cheeks, eyebrows furrowing before he typed quickly.

 

fuck off

mizi told me you liked sweets

like 

fo fucking gull of yourself

fucking

loser

fuck off

and cya

14:06

:0 

I’ll treat your malnourished ass a nice dinner tonight

See you :)

14:06

 

Till felt mad, annoyed, frustrated. How could someone be so full of themselves, thinking every detail about them was so hard to notice without one observing them carefully? First of all, Till only had that information because Mizi had asked him to grab some snacks from the convenience store to share with Ivan months ago- and he didn’t have the memory of a goldfish, so he remembered. “Fucking hell..” He murmured, dimming the screen of his phone and raising his head to look at Mizi and Hyuna. 

Oh- right. They were in the middle of a rather heavy conversation.

“The fuck is that expression on your face? You got a lover or some?” Hyuna chuckled, still talking with her mouth full yet unbothered. 

“What- NO! That was- uhh… Ivan. From my class. He’s friends with Mizi… and I, I guess?” Till defended himself, suddenly picking up a dumpling with his hands and shoving it to his mouth. “Ew, did you wash your hands Till?” Mizi asked, with a teasing smirk. “Erm… No?” He said, though he didn’t care much about it. 

“Dis-gus-ting!” She said in the cutest voice possible before continuing to dig in. Normally, that kind of voice would have given Till a heart attack. Yet with the civil war going on in his head (every thought just fighting with each other, a mess, truly), it was hard to react in a thoughtful way.

“I am not the one that licked Sua’s eyeshadow off your finger before she was about to perform!” Till spit out, unable to keep up with how inconsistent his feelings were- he wasn’t sure why he was taking it out on Mizi. 

Hyuna burst out laughing as Mizi’s face changed through colours of pink, red then blue- Oh, there was a dumpling stuck in her throat. Hyuna started patting her back as Mizi started coughing, Till rising up from his seat to grab her a cup of water which she chugged down immediately. 

As Hyuna’s laughter finally settled, Till sat back down, feeling both guilty and oddly relieved. The whole exchange had somehow lightened the tension that had been weighing on him, a small release of the pressure that had built up in his chest. Mizi, her cheeks flushed, shot him a mock glare, though he could see the amusement in her eyes.

"Seriously, though,” Mizi said, her voice hoarse from coughing. “don’t use that against me. I was nervous, okay?”

Hyuna snorted. “Nervous enough to eat makeup, huh? That’s a new one.”

Mizi rolled her eyes, shaking her head at both of them. “It was…a moment. Let’s leave it at that.”

They returned to eating, the silence that followed somehow more comfortable now. The food was filling, the warmth of the apartment cozy, and for a brief moment, Till could let himself relax. Despite everything, these were his people, and even if he was struggling with his feelings, it felt good to be here. Till suddenly felt the need to cut the silence. 

“Oh.” He said. “Hyuna, your shift starts at 21:00 today right? Let me walk with you to the station.”

“Aww, do you think I am so pretty that I’m gonna get jumped?” Hyuna said, fluttering her eyelashes while sending a kiss through the air. Till narrowed his eyes, expression changing as if he just sucked on a sour candy. 

“Pedo.” 

“What- No! I am joking!” Hyuna defended herself, taking the accusation seriously. Mizi chuckled. 

“I am sure you would be more effective if you got attacked, compared to Till.” Mizi said with her tongue out. 

“I-” Till thought for a moment. “I weigh more than Hyuna, so I beg to differ.”

Hyuna shrugged. “Weight is just a number- it barely hold any value to your actual strength. It's about the muscles, you know?” She gave a confident smile.

Till and Mizi both narrowed their eyes, Mizi covering her chest as if hiding it from the boys in elementary school that would try to peek into the girls changing room. As Till made the same sour expression, this time, Mizi was one to talk. 

“Pedo.” 

“AM NOT!” Hyuna yelled, as Till and Mizi chuckled to her exaggerated reaction.

This is good. Till thought, chuckling while Hyuna started defending her case. I… can try to get used to this. Not being... Mizi's favorite.

His heart ached. 

Chapter 9: spiral

Summary:

“Terms? For writing a song?” Till raised an eyebrow, looking both skeptical and intrigued.

“Absolutely,” Ivan said, nodding solemnly. “First condition—you bring snacks to every practice session. Something sweet. Non-negotiable.”

Till snorted, rolling his eyes. “Fine. Snack duty it is. What else?”

Ivan leaned in a little, grinning. “Second—no more telling me to ‘fuck off.’ You’ve got a… colorful way with words, but I’d prefer ‘please’ once in a while.”

Till’s cheeks tinted pink, and he nudged Ivan’s shoulder. “Keep dreaming.”

When Ivan arrived on the busy street, he felt oddly out of place. People were lining up at vendors, tired from work but animated by the warmth of street food and chatter. He glanced at his watch—20:43. Till hadn’t specified a time, only “around nine,” but knowing him, he’d probably be late.

He leaned against a cold wall, the grime and clutter around him sparking a small grimace. It wasn’t what he was used to. Yet, imagining Till walking these streets every day, it grounded him. Made him feel like he belonged here, in a way.

His gaze drifted, taking in the night scene—a drunk guy devouring skewers, two high school girls debating between spicy or black bean tteok-bokki—and then, a tall, striking woman with a cigarette hanging loosely from her mouth. She was walking beside—Till?

Ivan straightened, his eyes following them without a second thought. Who was this woman? She looked out of place but… somehow fit. Maybe she was related to Till? Or Mizi?

He was still puzzling over it when Till and the woman stopped a few metres away from the station. She exchanged a few words with Till, and then he turned in Ivan’s direction. Crap. Ivan pulled up his hood and blended back into the crowd, though his height made it a challenge. He hurried to his earlier spot against the wall and leaned into it, feigning nonchalance.

Till’s silver hair caught the street lights as he approached, and Ivan smirked, waiting until Till noticed him. As their eyes met, Ivan gave a small, taunting wave.

Till rolled his eyes, eyebrows knitting together in mild irritation—though Ivan couldn’t help but find it a little charming.

“Took your time,” Ivan said, his tone light and teasing when Till finally arrived, hands buried in his pockets.

Till shrugged, unable to fully hide a slight grin despite his furrowed brow. “Had to survive a family meal first. Trust me, you wouldn’t have made it.”

Ivan laughed, soft and genuine, surprising Till just a little. “Lucky me, then.”

They fell into step together, heading toward the tteokbokki stand Till had mentioned earlier. The warm lights from the stalls cast a cozy glow over the street, and the murmur of voices wrapped around them, creating a feeling of shared intimacy amidst the crowd.

“Alright, let’s talk terms,” Ivan said as they reached the stand, his tone mock-serious but his eyes alight with humor.

“Terms? For writing a song?” Till raised an eyebrow, looking both skeptical and intrigued.

“Absolutely,” Ivan said, nodding solemnly. “First condition—you bring snacks to every practice session. Something sweet. Non-negotiable.”

Till snorted, rolling his eyes. “Fine. Snack duty it is. What else?”

Ivan leaned in a little, grinning. “Second—no more telling me to ‘fuck off.’ You’ve got a… colorful way with words, but I’d prefer ‘please’ once in a while.”

Till’s cheeks tinted pink, and he nudged Ivan’s shoulder. “Keep dreaming.”

They bantered on as they ordered, the warm scent of spicy-sweet tteokbokki wafting up as they waited. And despite himself, Till felt a growing ease settle over him—a strange, unexpected warmth that he hadn’t quite seen coming. For the first time, he wondered if maybe, just maybe, there was something worth exploring here.

As they settled on their terms, they reached the tteokbokki stand. The steam and spicy scent filled the air, mingling with the other street food stalls nearby. Till ordered without hesitation, as if he’d done it a thousand times before. Ivan watched him, noticing how relaxed Till seemed here, in his element, amidst the noise and lights.

When their food arrived, Till handed Ivan a skewer, then picked up his own. “You’ve had street food before, right?”

“Not this kind.” Ivan took a cautious bite, the spicy-sweet sauce hitting his taste buds in a way that was unexpectedly satisfying. “It’s… good,” he admitted, surprising himself.

Till gave a small smile, clearly amused. “Didn’t take you for someone who’d like it. Guess there’s a first time for everything.”

They ate in comfortable silence for a moment, just taking in the surroundings. For Ivan, it was a rare moment of feeling in peace with himself, almost ordinary. He felt more like himself with Till than he had in a long time, even as they stood in a world so different from the pristine spaces he was used to.

“So,” Till said, breaking the quiet. “What kind of song are you thinking about?”

Ivan hesitated, choosing his words carefully. “I want it to be real. Nothing too… glossy. More raw.”

Till looked at him, studying his expression. “Like… About feelings and shit?”

“Yeah,” Ivan replied, nodding. “I think that’s what I need right now.” He turned to Till, eyes serious. “And maybe you do too?”

Till’s gaze softened, and for a moment, Ivan thought he saw something vulnerable there, something Till rarely let show. Till nodded slowly, and for once, he didn’t have a snappy comeback. 

They continued eating, not saying much for a while, the silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable. As they started walking again, Ivan glanced at Till, his heart thumping just a little faster. “Next practice session’s at my place,” he said, trying to sound casual but feeling anything but. “If you’re up for it.”

Till smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, so I get the VIP invitation now?”

Ivan grinned. “Only if you bring the snacks, remember?”

Till laughed, the slightly sound echoing through the street. “Guess I’ll start shopping, then.” They walked on, both of them somehow lighter, as if they’d just stepped into something new, something that neither of them was ready to name but both were willing to explore.

They walked in silence, but Ivan could sense a shift in Till’s demeanor as time we—a touch of that familiar guardedness creeping back in, like Till was trying to cover up how much he’d let Ivan in tonight. It was in the way he occasionally huffed or kicked a stray pebble, as if each gesture was a defense against the vulnerability hanging between them.

At the end of the alley, Till shoved his hands deep into his pockets, his shoulders hunching slightly. “Don’t think you’re all that just because I asked you to duet with me, you’re still a weirdo” he muttered, almost under his breath, though Ivan caught every word.

Ivan stifled a grin. “Oh, believe me, I know it takes more than being asked to duet with you to impress you.”

Till’s eyes flicked up at him, narrowing with a hint of irritation. It was like he misunderstood what Ivan meant by that sentence. “Who says I’m impressed?”

Ivan raised an eyebrow, playing along. “Not you, obviously. But I think that’s more because you don’t want to admit it.”

Till scoffed, turning his head slightly so Ivan couldn’t see the pink rising to his cheeks. “Get over yourself. It takes more than some street food and forced chitchat to impress me.”

“Uh-huh,” Ivan replied, his tone smug as he leaned a bit closer, just enough to fluster Till. “Then why’d you keep looking back to see if I was still following you?”

“I—what? I wasn’t,” Till sputtered, glancing away. “I was just checking if you could keep up, is all.”

“Sure, sure.” Ivan couldn’t hold back his laughter this time, earning himself a light, frustrated shove from Till.

“Stop laughing!” Till said, his voice low but tinged with a nervousness Ivan hadn’t heard before. “It’s annoying.”

“Noted,” Ivan said, still chuckling as they reached one of the main streets, a bit far from Hyuna's place now,  where the lights of the food stalls glowed warm against the night. Till marched ahead, acting disinterested, but Ivan knew he wasn’t about to shake him off that easily. He caught up, letting the silence settle between them as they reached a stand that sold hotteok- a traditional sweet pancake Ivan loved, though never ate a place like this before.

When Till placed the order, Ivan leaned on the counter beside him, watching the way Till tapped his foot and looked anywhere but directly at him. The woman behind the counter handed them two steaming hotteok, and Till quickly shoved one toward Ivan without looking up.

“Here,” he muttered, like he was embarrassed to be offering it.

Ivan took it with a grateful nod, enjoying the spice and warmth. “You didn’t have to get this for me, you know, I know you’re broke.” he said, teasingly. “But… thanks.”

Till gave a small, irritated sigh, looking away again. “Stop acting like I did you some big favor. I was getting one anyway, so whatever.”

“Right, of course,” Ivan agreed, barely hiding his smirk. “Just a coincidence that I happened to be here too.”

They ate in silence for a few moments, and as they did, Till’s expression softened, his guard slipping as he watched the bustling street around them. There was something vulnerable about him in this moment, and Ivan felt a tug of warmth that he couldn’t quite explain.

“So,” Till said, breaking the silence, his voice casual, “I will need to head back in a bit, Mizi is probably waiting.” Ivan felt his chest filling with jealousy, as he tried to keep his same face to make sure it didn’t show. “Do you have… A type of beat, or rhythm in mid?”

Ivan considered him, choosing his words carefully. “I think… I want something slow, but it gradually becomes more... loud. Not fast, I don’t know how to explain it. Not the rock or really slow stuff you did with ‘Unknown’ and ‘Black Sorrow’.”

Till looked at him, surprised. “You… know about ‘Unknown’?” He blushed slightly before looking away to clear his throat, eyebrows once again getting closer to each other. “You sure? That type of songs usually sounds dark, no? Like, heavy on the chest. I don’t mind, but I thought you were all about that shiny image.”

Ivan chuckled, a bit self-conscious. “Maybe I was. But now, I’m not so sure.”

Till shrugged, glancing down at his hotteok. “Fine, I’ll work on it. But if it ends up sounding cheesy or anything, I’m out.”

Ivan held up his hands in mock surrender. “Noted. No cheese.”

Till nodded, looking a little reassured, though his expression was still guarded. “And don’t think this makes us friends or anything,” he added, glancing at Ivan with a look that was almost a glare.

“Oh, of course not,” Ivan replied, amused. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Till gave him another eye roll, though this time, the corners of his mouth twitched up into a reluctant smile. He straightened up from the wall he was leaning on. Ivan straightened too, eager to follow, but Till didn’t move.

“I will… Come to your place tomorrow after school, if not on thursday. I gotta go now.” Till said as he walked, aiming for casual but feeling the weight of his words.

Ivan hesitated, his brow furrowing slightly, unable to hide the jealousy in his expression. “You’re… staying at the same house as Mizi or something?”

“Well,” Till shrugged, “Not… usually. Today she had something important to say-”

Ivan suddenly felt the heavy weight on his chest disappearing, breathing out in relief before he cut Till’s sentence off. 

“Oh, she told you about Sua. Got it.”

Till scoffed, a flash of surprise and frustration  in his eyes. “What- You knew? Mizi told you before me?” He almost sounded upset.

Ivan smirked while shrugging. “Nope, but it was obvious. Her dilated pupils, breath pattern, the way she would try to graze over her fingertips- you know.”

Till’s cheeks flushed, and he narrowed his eyes, clearly taken aback by Ivan’s detailed analysis. He didn’t respond right away, it was as if his brain just gave an error.

“How do you even notice that stuff?” he muttered, sounding both impressed and irritated (though the latter was more dominant in his voice), almost as if he wanted to say that Ivan was being ridiculous but couldn’t quite get the words out.

Ivan leaned on the wall nonchalantly, trying to play it cool. “It’s just… observation,” he replied, though he could tell from Till’s skeptical look that he wasn’t buying it. “Don’t worry. I don’t have superpowers, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Till gave a half-hearted scoff. “Yeah, right,” he muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking away. “Just don’t get too cocky about noticing this shit before I do. Mizi’s my best friend, not yours.” He spit out before muttering under his breath, “Idiot”.

Ivan chuckled softly. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied, earning himself another eye roll.

They stood like that for a little longer, although Till said he needed to go. Heseemed deep in thought, his gaze trained on the pavement as if he were counting the cracks in the sidewalk. As Ivan started observing the bustling energy of the stalls fading into the hum of distant traffic and the occasional flicker of street lamps. How can he sleep with this noise all around? 

As Ivan was too busy thinking and observing, Till finally spoke, his voice a bit softer than before. “Just… don’t mention the whole Mizi thing to her, alright?” He glanced at Ivan, his expression somewhere between anxious and pleading. “She’d kill me if she thought I told you.”

Ivan held up his hands, palms out, as if making a solemn promise. “Cross my heart,” he said, though his lips quirked into a smirk.

Till huffed, his shoulders relaxing just a bit. “Good. You’re still a weirdo, though,” he added as if needing to remind both of them.

“Appreciate your honesty, actually. I’ll make sure to keep my weirdness in check around you,” Ivan replied, amused by how defensive Till seemed. He was beginning to enjoy these moments, each little flash of vulnerability Till tried so hard to hide.

Eventually, Till fully straightened up before stuffing his hands deeper into his pockets. “I’ll… see you at school tomorrow, then,” he said, glancing up at Ivan, his voice laced with just a hint of uncertainty.

Ivan nodded, giving him an encouraging smile. “Looking forward to it,” he replied, and he meant it. For the first time, he genuinely wanted to see what a songwriting project would bring, where it would lead.

Till’s cheeks tinted pink, and he turned his gaze downward, as if embarrassed by how honest his own response sounded. “Yeah, well… don’t get too excited,” he muttered before clearing his throat. “Anyway, see ya.”

And with that, Till turned and walked away, his shoulders stiff but his steps a little lighter than before. Ivan watched him go, hands in his pockets and a grin tugging at his lips. Maybe, just maybe, he was onto something here—something worth staying for.

-

Sua shifted restlessly in bed, unable to sleep. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed since she’d put her phone down after texting Mizi, only that she was caught between exhaustion and wakefulness, unable to settle. She replayed scattered memories, fragments of dreams, even half-formed song ideas, but no matter how she tried, her mind kept circling back to one particular memory.

“Sua…” her mother’s voice echoed softly, as gentle as the hand stroking her hair as they stood together by her grandmother’s casket. “Don’t cry, okay? She’s in a better place now.” Her mother’s sad smile had been warm, her voice full of conviction. “Things that can’t be fixed or healed by us, by human strength… Those are the will of God. Everything happens for a reason, all right?”

Suddenly, Sua’s eyes snapped open, staring up at the ceiling. She felt a strange, uncomfortable ache in her chest as she relieved that scene, the familiar words that used to bring her comfort now felt… hollow, or perhaps hypocritical.

When she was nine, she’d woken up one night to the sound of laughter, drifting from the living room, where her parents and their friends had gathered. She’d tiptoed quietly down the hallway, trying to be sneaky as she approached the door. The muffled voices were softer now, almost as if they were sharing secrets. She leaned in and peeked through the door frame, holding her breath without realizing it. Her parents sat close together on the couch, glasses in hand, her mother’s fingers laced with those of another woman before she leaned over and kissed her.

Sua had gasped, her heart racing as she stumbled back. She had felt as though she had witnessed something forbidden, something she shouldn’t have seen. She ran quietly back to her room, her mind unable to make sense of what she’d just witnessed.

“When a woman and a man love each other very much, they get married,” her mother had explained once, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Sua’s ear. “Two women can’t make a child, neither can two men. That’s human nature, Sua. It can’t be changed, so God doesn’t allow it. Love between two women is a sin.”

The memory pressed heavily on her chest. She rose from bed, her throat dry, feeling the weight of her spiralling emotions pushing her into motion. She chewed on her inner cheek as she walked to her desk to grab a water bottle. It felt so far away, and yet her heart was pounding so loudly, she couldn’t think of anything else.

“Mom,” she’d said the day after, sitting at the kitchen table during breakfast, toying with the rice in her bowl as she avoided her mother’s gaze. “You said… love between two women—or two men—is a sin, right?” Her mother’s attention shifted fully onto her, her smile soft and approving. “Yes, Sua. It’s nice to see you remember my teachings.”

But that response only made Sua feel sicker, resentment building in her chest. “Then… if I accidentally kissed a girl while playing, would that be a sin?” She tried to sound innocent, to make it sound like a child’s curiosity while hiding the real reason behind her question. “Kissing is something that’s supposed to happen between a husband and wife, right?”

Her mother paused, then laughed gently, reaching out to smooth Sua’s hair. “No, my cute little dainty flower. A kiss, or any kind of intimacy, doesn’t have to be just between a man and a woman. These are things that bring pleasure to the body, but not necessarily to the heart. So don’t be scared, God still loves you.”

Back in her room, Sua crushed the empty water bottle in her hand, the crinkling sound sharp in the quiet. Her throat felt tight, her eyes stinging. She wasn’t sure what she felt—was it anger? Sadness? Betrayal? 

She threw the bottle into the trash before she laid back onto her bed as her heart raced. The tangled web of memories, her mother’s soothing but unsteady words, and that night she could never forget—it all crashed over her, filling her with a confusion she couldn’t quite figure out, no matter how hard she tried.

The memories replayed in her mind, clashing against her present reality, where Mizi’s face seemed to linger every time she closed her eyes. The thought of Mizi’s gentle laugh, her kindness, her way of making every room brighter simply by being in it. The warm affection she felt for Mizi didn’t fit neatly into any category that her mother’s teachings had prepared her for. It felt like something else, something beyond friendship, something her heart reached for instinctively.

She swallowed, throat dry again, a bitterness twisting in her chest. Her mother’s words had always painted such a clear picture, rules that were supposed to give her life structure and purpose, a way to be "loved by God" But how could her mother, with all her teachings about sin and purity, say those things yet hold another woman’s hand the way she had?

Sua wasn’t even sure who she was angry at. Her mother, for her hypocrisy? Herself, for not being able to let go of these memories, to feel them twisting up every part of her? It wasn’t fair.

Sighing, she pulled her comforter up to her head and buried her face under it, her breath shallow as she tried to push the memories away. She felt like a little girl again, peeking through the door, witnessing something she was too young to understand. Only now, she knew too much, understood too much, and she hated every second of it.

And then, just as quickly, the anger melted into something softer, something aching and desperate. She wondered what Mizi would say if she knew any of this. Would she understand? Could she understand the way she felt like she was constantly caught between the world she knew and the world she wanted to be a part of? Would she laugh, hold her hand, tell her it was okay?

The thought of sharing this with Mizi made her chest tighten, but it was the good kind of ache—the one that felt like it might lead to healing, somehow, if only she had the courage to speak.

In the dim light, her thoughts slowed, her eyelids heavy as she drifted into a fragile sleep. During her last moments before falling asleep, her last thoughts weren’t spiralling in guilt or confusion; they were soft, as gentle as Mizi’s smile, as hopeful as her own heart dared to be.

Would it be wrong if she kissed Mizi, and it was her heart that felt the pleasure?

Chapter 10: fixation

Summary:

“Mizi, your hair… wow. It’s perfect on you.”

Mizi felt her cheeks flush under Sua’s attention, a warmth rising from within that she hadn’t quite felt before. Oh no, don’t blush, she told herself, trying to hold her composure, but the sparkle in Sua’s eyes made it nearly impossible.

“You think so?” Mizi asked, trying to keep her voice light, even though her heart was pounding. “I wanted to try something new. And… well, I kind of hoped you’d like it.”

Notes:

enjoy<33

Mizi woke up to the soft hum of Hyuna’s apartment, dim light slipping through the curtains. She blinked, adjusting to the stillness. Across the room, Till was sprawled on the couch, his arm still dangling over the edge. She was yet to shake off the weight of yesterday. The confusion, the relief, maybe even something close to hope.

As she glanced at the ceiling, letting her mind wake up, she felt something buzz near her. Her phone.

sua sunbae<33

Good morning, sleepyhead. 

Are you coming today?

07:13

Mizi felt her heart skip, a soft smile tugging at her lips as she read the message. There was something about Sua’s care- something steady, warm, that stirred excitement in her. She started typing a reply, but a groan from the couch made her look up. Till was stirring, rubbing his eyes as he squinted against the morning light.

Till was stirring, stretching as he blinked into the morning light. “What time is it?” he muttered, voice thick with sleep.

“A little after seven,” Mizi replied. “We should probably get moving if we don’t wanna be late.”

Till grunted, but he sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Ugh, school. Right.” He couldn’t help but sigh deeply.

Mizi chuckled, feeling a rare lightness as she watched him struggle to fully wake up. It was grounding, just having him here, the quiet reassurance of his presence. She grabbed her bag and fished out a chocolate granola bar, tossing it to him.

“Fuel up,” she teased. “You’re gonna need it if we’re surviving another day.”

He caught it, giving her a mock glare but biting into it anyway. “Don’t you have like… an energy drink in there? Or something?”

She rolled her eyes. “You wish.” 

There was a different kind of comfort she felt with Till now, something that slightly changed. The idea of not having to lie about what’s on her mind after almost two years of constant pining over Sua- she felt at ease.

Yesterday had shifted something, something good. Something safe. The silence was comfortable now, rather than awkward- it was filled with unspoken understanding.

They got ready (rinsing their mouth with toothpaste as they didn’t have toothbrushes) before walking towards the bus stop together. As they approached, Mizi felt her phone buzz inside her school bag. She glanced down, hoping it was another message from Sua that made her heart race.

Till didn’t pay much attention to her at that moment, lost in thought as he looked ahead. But the longer they waited for the bus, the less he seemed distracted in his thoughts and the more became aware of the current reality.

“Hey… about yesterday. Just… thanks. For trusting me with all of that.” He spoke, without looking at Mizi.

Mizi studied his expression, feeling a rush of gratitude. “I should be the one saying thank you, for being there. ”

He nodded, looking like he understood more than he let on. He didn’t answer nor look away from the direction he was looking at. Though that was until they caught a sight of the bus approaching the stop. They climbed on, side by side, a quiet sense of connection holding them steady. Mizi took her seat, glancing down at her phone and typing a quick reply to Sua.

sua sunbae<33

hii, sorry for late reply

i'm on my way to school right now!!

07:43

Mizi tucked her phone away with a shy smile, not wanting Till to catch her distracted. She couldn’t help but wonder if the subtle distance she’d felt from Till lately was changing, too. Things felt different, but not in a bad way. Yesterday, they’d opened up to each other, and that shift had brought a kind of clarity—maybe, for the first time, they were both beginning to feel truly understood.

The bus ride to school passed in comfortable silence, Till staring out the window, lost in thought, and Mizi feeling the warmth of Sua’s texts lingering in her mind. 

They eventually got off the bus at their designated stop and approached the school, the chatter of students flooded the air, a symphony of laughter and conversations that felt oddly comforting. Before walking in, Mizi put her hair in a bun, hiding the blue tips as she wanted to surprise Sua when they had more time (Till’s bird's nest hairstyle barely drew attention to the small, silver piercings, so he was fine).

Mizi spotted Sua by the entrance of the school, hanging a sign on the bulletin board. She took a deep breath, gathering her courage as she stepped closer to her. The warmth from the text from earlier lingered in her chest, and she was determined not to let it slip away. Mizi approached Sua by the entrance, hanging a sign on the bulletin board.

A rush of excitement bloomed in Mizi’s chest. She walked over to Sua, gently grabbing Till’s arm to pull him along. “Hey, Sua!” she called out, trying to sound casual despite her quickening heartbeat.

Sua turned, her face lighting up as she spotted Mizi. “Hey, it’s good to see you here today,” She smiled as she walked away from the sheet she just hung. She noticed Mizi’s gaze on the poster as she continued her sentence. “I was just doing Ivan a favour by hanging these up, his council duty but he got lazy. This is more like an event for parents to raise money for charity…” She looked into Mizi’s eyes with her large, iris orbs. “Are your parents coming?”

Sua turned, her face lighting up as she spotted Mizi. “Hey, it’s good to see you here today.” She stepped away from the poster she’d just put up. “I was helping Ivan with his council duties. This is for the Christmas event—a little fundraiser for charity.” She explained, to make it easier for them to resonate with the fact thst she was doing this despite not being a member. 

She looked into Mizi’s eyes with her large, iris orbs. “Are you… or your parents coming?”

“Uh… Maybe?” She laughed lightly, a hint of nervousness slipping through her confident demeanour. “I wouldn’t miss it if you’re performing, though. What about you?”

“Well… if they’re not too busy with work- Because I’m actually supposed to perform.” Sua laughed, running a hand through her hair with a faint blush. “But I’m a bit worried. My parents think I need more practice, but I’m afraid of messing up in front of everyone.”

Mizi shook her head. “Sua, you’re incredible. You just need to sing like yourself—everyone loves you for that.”

There was a moment of silence before Sua muttered a quiet “Thanks,” as her smile slightly grew. “You always know how to make me feel better. Seriously, you’re like my personal cheerleader.”

Mizi felt heat rise in her cheeks at the compliment. “Well, it’s easy when you’re so talented.”

Before Sua could answer, Mizi heard a low chuckle behind her. She could sense Till watching them, and glanced over to see him with a small, amused smirk.

 “What?” she asked, narrowing her eyes playfully.

“Oh, nothing.” Till shrugged, barely hiding his grin. “Just wondering if you’re starting a fan club or something.”

Mizi shot him a glare, and couldn't help the blush on her face. “Shut up, Till. I’m just being supportive.”

“Right, right, support is key,” he replied with a pretend seriousness. “I’ll make sure to bring my pom-poms for the performance.”

Sua let out a soft laugh, and Mizi’s heart skipped. Seeing Sua laugh like that felt magical. Before Mizi could say anything more, Till excused himself, mumbling something about finding a wet wipe, and left with a casual wave.

Once he was gone, Sua turned to Mizi, her expression softening. “So… I was thinking. If you’re free after school, maybe… uhm, stay with me for after school practice?”

“Definitely!,” Mizi replied, a bit too enthusiastic as she felt excited at the thought. The idea of spending more time with Sua felt thrilling, like a strawberry shortcake she was eager to eat.

“Awesome, I can’t wait.” Sua said, her enthusiasm a bit more hidden.

“Me neither.” Mizi replied, her heart racing with anticipation.

The bell rang, cutting their conversation short. Mizi felt a pang of disappointment but quickly brushed it aside. “Looks like we’ve got to head to class,” she said, glancing at Sua.

“Right. I’ll see you at lunch.” Sua said, playfully nudging Mizi before she walked to the opposite direction of Mizi’s stance- where the music department was.

The morning classes passed in a blur as Mizi found herself daydreaming about her time with Sua, the way they could be together, laughing and sharing music. The excitement of potential blossomed in her chest, and for the first time in a long while, she felt like things were falling into place.

As the lunch bell rang, Mizi felt a sense of anticipation she hadn’t known she could feel for someone. She navigated the bustling halls, her mind still swirling with thoughts of Sua as she made her way to the rooftop. The anticipation built with every step, and she could almost hear the echo of Sua’s laughter in her head. When she finally reached the rooftop, the familiar breeze of the wind enveloped her, and she spotted Ivan sitting at their usual spot, unpacking his lunch.

“Hey, Mizi.” Ivan called, waving her over. “You’re here-.” He said with a smile before he paused. “Your hair-”

As if I could resist being here.

”I know- it’s cute, right?” she answered Ivan. “I had it in a bun since this morning. Gotta hide it until I can have a nice revelation moment.” she continued, feeling her cheeks warm at the thought of Sua’s reaction. “What’s for lunch?”

Ivan shrugged. “Just the basics. Jasmine rice, kimchi, beef with truffle sauce.”

Mizi laughed, settling in beside him. “Your ‘basics’ are most people’s five-star meals, Ivan.”

He grinned, offering her a bite of the beef. “I’m glad you think so. Try it.”

Before Mizi could take a bite, she heard footsteps behind her. Turning, she caught sight of Till as he stepped onto the rooftop, looking a bit out of sorts. His hair was tousled, and he wore a frown that didn’t quite match the lively atmosphere between Ivan and her.

He looks kinda mad, Mizi noted, her heart sinking slightly at the sight. 

“Till!” she greeted enthusiastically, though she couldn’t ignore the shadow lingering on his face. “You’re joining us?”

“Yeah, I figured I’d get some fresh air,” he said, but there was a slight tension in his voice that made Mizi want to reach out and shake it away. 

Ivan raised an eyebrow, noticing Till’s demeanour. He decided not to make a comment on it, slightly extending the arm with the lunch box towards Till, the lunch that he was previously offering to Mizi. “Do you want some?”

Till shrugged, furrow slightly rising as he sat next to Ivan. That took Mizi by a slight surprise- she was too used to having Till right by her side, after all. She knew something seemed to be bothering him since last week- but yesterday, he seemed fine, and this morning too.

He really… did seem fine before. Yet now- it seemed like they went back to square one.

“I’ll take some, I guess.” Till uttered, leaning close to see what was inside the lunchbox. 

Mizi exchanged a quick glance with Ivan, who was clearly pretending not to realize the clouds over Till’s head.

I wish I knew what was really going on in Till’s head. Mizi thought. Maybe if I ask, later he’ll tell me.

“Do you like truffle sauce?” Ivan asked calmly, poking the food with the chopsticks to give a glimpse of the ingredients. 

“The fuck is a truffle?” Till asked, his frown softening a bit as he focused on Ivan’s lunch.

“It’s a… type of mushroom,” Ivan replied, his tone steady, clearly enjoying the moment. “And it makes everything taste better! Here, try some.” He extended his chopsticks toward Till, a playful grin spreading across his face.

Why is he suddenly excited about sharing chopsticks? Mizi slightly furrowed. 

Till took the offered chopsticks, a hint of a smile breaking through the clouds of his earlier demeanor. “Alright, let’s see what this truffle fuss is all about.” He mixed the beed a little, getting the sauce all over, and for a fleeting moment, Mizi saw a slight spark in his eyes. The familiar curiosity and willingness to try new things. 

Why can’t he just stay like this?

Ivan watched Till taking a bite, his own expression eager and slightly nervous. “Well?” he prompted, leaning in closer. “What do you think?”

Till chewed thoughtfully, his brow furrowed in concentration. “Not bad. It’s… flavorful. Doesn’t taste like a mushroom.”

“I knew you’d like it.” Ivan exclaimed, clearly thrilled to have made an impression. 

This is nice, this feels normal, Ivan thought, feeling a sense of accomplishment as he felt that Till and him were getting closer. “I can bring you some more if you want, tomorrow maybe?”

“Yeah, sure,” Till replied, his tone slightly lighter.

Till straightened up he stole a glance at Mizi, who was watching him intently, her concern palpable. Feeling guilty, he quickly avoided eye contact with her.

Suddenly, Ivan spoke, still feeling the confidence of that accomplishment of making Till ease up. 

“So, what’s the deal with you today?” Ivan asked, casually poking at the rice as he sensed the undercurrents. “You seem… off. More than usual.”

Mizi held her breath, her heart pounding as she watched Till’s expression shift, the weight of Ivan’s question pressing down on them. Please don’t shut down, Till. Just say something, she hoped silently. She wanted to reach out to him, comfort him, but the distance between them felt larger now than ever.

“Just… thinking,” Till mumbled, avoiding their gaze on his expression. “School is stressful, that’s it. I’m fine.”

Fine? Mizi thought, her heart sinking further. 

Ivan blinked, he was clearly not buying it. 

“Come on, Till. You’re always thinking. This is different.” He gestured between them, including Mizi in the exchange. “If something’s bothering you, we’re here.”

Mizi nodded in agreement, her heart aching for Till. Her breath shook a little, a bit scared of the idea of there was a side of Till that was unknown to her.

“I’m just tired,” Till finally admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “And I don’t want to talk about it.”

Mizi felt a flicker of frustration. Why can’t he just see that we fucking care? 

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” she said softly, despite her rather harsh thought, she kept trying to keep her tone light. “But you can’t just shut us out. You know that, right?”

Till stood quietly, slightly creating eye contact with Mizi. His eyebrows frown got a little bit more apparent as he bit down his chapped lower lip. 

He wouldn't say anything- and it drove Mizi crazy. She opened her mouth to talk, to scold him, to make sure the fact that she was here for him went through his thick fucking skull.

But just then, the rooftop door swung open, and Sua stepped onto the scene, her presence immediately brightening Mizi’s mood. “Hey, guys.” she called, her smile calm.

Sua’s smile widened as she approached the group, her eyes immediately drawn to Mizi. Her gaze flickered to Mizi’s newly styled hair, the blue tips catching in the rooftop sunlight, and she stopped mid-step, her expression shifting from pleasant surprise to something almost captivated.

“Mizi… your hair.” Sua’s voice was softer, almost breathless. She got closer to Mizi, her hand reaching out towards her, fingers feeling the tips of Mizi’s hair. 

“Mizi, your hair… wow. It’s perfect on you.”

Mizi felt her cheeks flush under Sua’s attention, a warmth rising from within that she hadn’t quite felt before. Oh no, don’t blush, she told herself, trying to hold her composure, but the sparkle in Sua’s eyes made it nearly impossible. 

“You think so?” Mizi asked, trying to keep her voice light, even though her heart was pounding. “I wanted to try something new. And… well, I kind of hoped you’d like it.”

Sua’s smile softened, and she let her fingers graze the tips of Mizi’s hair before pulling her hand back, a slight shyness in her gaze. “Like it? I love it, actually. It’s so… you.” She laughed, her voice gentle. “Did Hyuna help you with this?”

Mizi nodded, her gaze lowering slightly as she tucked a loose strand behind her ear. “Yeah, she did. Till was there too.” She glanced over at Till, whose expression had darkened slightly, though he gave her a quick nod.

Sua knows about Hyuna? Till noticed the mention of the name, feeling bothered by it for some reason.  

“I just needed a change, you know?” Mizi uttered, her voice shy.

Sua gave her a knowing look, her eyes softening with understanding. “I get that. Change… is exciting. Really.” She shot a playful look at Till and Ivan. “What do you two think? Doesn’t Mizi look amazing?”

Ivan grinned, nodding in agreement. “She’s definitely going to steal all the attention during Christmas, that’s for sure.” He gave Mizi a teasing smile, clearly enjoying the moment as he could observe the effect Mizi had on Sua. 

Till, on the other hand, seemed distant, as though he were struggling to keep himself in the conversation. He gave Mizi a quick, forced smile. “It suits you, Mizi.” he murmured, his tone lacking the warmth she was used to from him.

Mizi’s heart ached at Till’s detached response, her own smile faltering slightly. Why does he seem so… far away? She stole a quick glance at Sua, who seemed unaware of the tension, her focus still entirely on Mizi. Maybe that’s part of it, Mizi thought, feeling torn.

“Anyways,” Sua said, gently breaking the silence, “about after school, my practice got cancelled so I thought maybe we could grab a coffee or… something.” Her voice trailed off, a hint of vulnerability peeking through her normally calm demeanor.

Mizi’s heart skipped a beat, the offer pulling her out of her thoughts. She wants to spend time with me- alone? Outside of the school grounds?  

“Yeah, I’d love that,” she replied almost too quickly, trying to keep her excitement in check. “It sounds perfect.”

Till looked away, a flicker of something unreadable in his expression as he focused intently on his food. Ivan caught this and gave him a gentle nudge, trying to bring him back into the moment. “So, you good with truffle now, Till?” Ivan asked, almost whispering, his voice light, attempting to ease his mood.

“Yeah,” Till mumbled, nodding. “It’s… fine.”

But Mizi couldn’t shake the sense that there was something more going on behind those words, that his silence was hiding something deeper. She glanced between Till and Sua, feeling a pang of guilt and hope all at once. I… need to sort everything out.

Chapter 11: discordant notes

Summary:

Suddenly, Ivan took a deep breath as he saw the doodle at the corner of Till’s notebook- a sketch of Mizi.

In a quick decision making, Ivan ripped of the paper off the notebook, not giving a fuck about the messy notes Till had scarambled.

Surprised by this unexpected action, Till furrowed his eyes, opening his mouth to cuss him out. But Ivan beat him to it, voicing the thoughts that had been hanging in his head.

“Cheer up.” Ivan said, voice gentle in a way Till hadn’t expected.

Till stood still with his mouth slightly, his anger melting into something he couldn’t understand. The words were not that… special, yet it felt so familiar in a way he couldn’t quite understand. “I just… I can’t seem to keep things straight lately,” Till admitted, the words slippin

Till’s day began in a familiar haze of routine. He walked into class, dropped into his seat, and tuned out the morning announcements, letting his mind wander. He should have felt settled after yesterday- after all, he’d spent the entire day with Mizi at Hyuna’s, and they’d had fun. But here he was, unable to shake a strange, gnawing feeling that had started creeping in ever since he’d seen Miz’s interaction with Sua in the morning.

In theory, he knew Mizi and him weren’t supposed to be anything more than friends. That’s what he’d been telling himself for months, and the conclusion he fully accepted after she’d confided in him about her sexuality. And he wanted to be happy for her- Mizi seemed more at ease, finding a piece of herself she hadn’t known before. But in practice? His emotions didn’t line up with his intentions.

At first, Till tried to brush it off, hoping the odd discomfort would dissolve over time. But as the hours passed, the feeling grew sharper, edged by an unfamiliar bitterness. Why did it sting so much to see her with Sua? His mind drifted back to memories of all the days they’d spent together, the little promises they’d made to be there for each other through everything. He’d never questioned whether they would stay by each other’s side, not until now.

Maybe that was the problem. Somewhere along the line, Till had begun assuming that Mizi would always be there- his anchor in an unpredictable world. He wanted her to be happy, but he hadn’t fully acknowledged how much he’d tied his own identity to her, nor how hard it was to imagine her drifting toward someone else.

By the time the lunch bell rang, his thoughts were a tangled mess. He trudged to the lockers, each step heavy, his mind running over the day’s interactions.

Till drifted through the crowded halls toward the stairwell, his steps slow and heavy. Mizi’s laughter with Sua from earlier kept echoing in his mind, breaking through his usual sense of calm. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this disoriented over something so small -a morning conversation and a shared smile, but here he was, trying to steady himself while every other student around him moved with easy purpose.

Part of him wanted to skip lunch altogether, just find a quiet spot and let himself disappear for a while. But he needed to push through his emotions, and assumed this lunch would help him face it enough.

Taking a breath, he headed up the stairs.

As Till climbed the last few steps to the rooftop, he tried to shake off his unease. The cool wind hit him as he stepped outside, a welcome contrast to the stuffy atmosphere of his thoughts. He spotted Mizi and Ivan already seated, their laughter mingling with the background noise of the city. Mizi looked up and waved him over, her smile as bright as always. It was a smile that used to make him feel grounded, but today, it only added to the tangle inside him.

“Till!” Mizi called, patting the empty spot beside her. “You’re joining us?”

Till forced a smile, sliding into his usual spot. “Yeah, I figured I’d get some fresh air,” he mumbled, hoping that’d be enough to cover the slight edge in his voice.

Ivan raised an eyebrow, a faint smirk playing on his lips. “Do you want some?” he asked, extending his arm to offer what’s inside of the lunch box he was holding. 

Till felt his mouth water by the idea of food as he slid next to Ivan. As they settled into eating, Till found himself watching Mizi more than he meant to. She seemed so at ease, trading stories with Ivan and laughing in a way that felt both familiar and distant. She did notice the way his gaze lingered, how he was trying to decipher this new distance between them—this shift that had taken her by surprise as well.

When Sua arrived and started interacting with Mizi- complimenting her hair, asking to go out gor coffe and such, he tried to turn his attention to Ivan instead, who was talking about some band he’d recently discovered, something dark and unfiltered that seemed right up Ivan’s alley. Till nodded along, but he wasn’t really hearing the words. His mind kept drifting back to Mizi and Sua, replying when Sua asked what they thought of Mizi’s hair.  He felt a little bothered by how Sua was able to touch her so easily like they were already… a couple. He told himself it was nothing, that he was overreacting, but he couldn’t escape the feeling that something fundamental had changed.

Finally, when lunch was almost over, Ivan seemed to notice his quietness. “So, you good with truffle now, Till?”

Till blinked, snapping back to reality “Yeah, It’s… Fine.” he said, glancing away.

Ivan didn’t push, just nodded thoughtfully. But his expression softened. The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch, and they packed up as Mizi and Sua continued talking. As they walked back to class, Till felt the weight of the day pressing down on him even more heavily. It wasn’t until later when the classes ended when he realized he’d left his guitar back at the orphanage before he went to Hyuna’s, that his frustration finally boiled over.

He’d promised Ivan they’d work on a song together after school. Music was supposed to be his escape, the one thing he could rely on. But now, even that seemed to slip through his fingers. He clenched his fists, hating the way everything felt just out of reach- Mizi, his own sense of calm, even his guitar.

When he met Ivan’s gaze across the classroom, Ivan approached him as he seemed to pick up on his frustration. Ivan paused in front of him for a while, trying to find the right words to say, the right way to portray bis body language-

Suddenly, Ivan took a deep breath as he saw the doodle at the corner of Till’s notebook- a sketch of Mizi. 

In a quick decision making, Ivan ripped of the paper off the notebook, not giving a fuck about the messy notes Till had scarambled. 

Surprised by this unexpected action, Till furrowed his eyes, opening his mouth to cuss him out. But Ivan beat him to it, voicing the thoughts that had been hanging in his head.

“Cheer up.” Ivan said, voice gentle in a way Till hadn’t expected.

Till stood still with his mouth slightly, his anger melting into something he couldn’t understand. The words were not that… special, yet it felt so familiar in a way he couldn’t quite understand. “I just… I can’t seem to keep things straight lately,” Till admitted, the words slipping out before he could stop them.

Ivan placed his jacket over his head, a small attempt to comfort him.  “You don’t have to.”

Till looked away, a small part of him grateful for Ivan’s understanding, even if he couldn’t quite put it into words. For now, that small gesture of comfort was enough. He spoke quietly, just loud enough for Ivan to hear. “I just… I forgot my guitar. I left it at home yesterday before going to my friend's place.”

Ivan’s expression softened, “It happens, you know? We can go back for it if you want, or…we can do something else. It’s not the end of the world.”

Till’s frustration surged again, though it wasn’t forwarded to Ivan. This isn’t just about the guitar.

‘You don’t get it. I never forget stuff like this. Not when it’s important.” He could feel the anger bubbling up, less at the guitar and more at himself—for letting these feelings he couldn’t control take over, for slipping up in a way he didn’t even recognize anymore.

Ivan didn’t flinch. Instead, he reached out, placing a steady hand on Till’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. We all mess up. I told you, it’s not the end of the world. This kind of stuff happen, especially when you’re dealing with a lot.”

Till wanted to argue, to deny it, but something about Ivan’s words cut through his defensiveness. It was true—he was dealing with a lot, and not just with Mizi. His emotions were all over the place, and he wasn’t sure where to even start untangling them. He let out a sigh, his shoulders slumping as the anger drained away.

“You’re probably right,” Till admitted quietly. “It’s just… I don’t know how to handle it all.”

Ivan thought about Till’s words, studying his posture, before he spoke. “We’re… only close to make music, yeah? but…if you need to talk or whatever, I’m not going anywhere.” His tone was light, but there was a sincerity in his gaze that Till hadn’t seen before, a quiet promise that steadied him.

For the first time that day, Till felt a flicker of calm. The doubts and confusion were still there, lingering like shadows, but with Ivan’s steady presence beside him, they didn’t feel quite as overwhelming.

“Plus, I can buy you a new one on our way to my place.” Ivan continued his sentence, smiling cocky enough to make Till feel more awake and aware than he was a second before. 

Till scoffed, a reluctant smile breaking through his frustration. “Yeah, right. Like you could actually pay for a new guitar.”

Ivan paused for a second, Right. He thought. Till doesn’t know about my family’s money. He felt a singular drop of sweat dripping off his forehead. And I invited him to my house- how nice. I might as well…

Ivan took a deep breath before he replied, “Hey,” feigning offense, his eyes wide. “You think I couldn’t? I might have to empty my savings account, but I think I could manage.”

Till rolled his eyes but felt the tension in his chest start to ease. There was something about Ivan’s lightheartedness that had a way of cutting the knots of confusion he carried.

“All right, fine. But if you’re paying, I’m going for the most expensive one in the store,” he shot back, trying to keep his tone serious.

Ivan chuckled. “Deal. But I get to pick the color. I’m thinking something bright- maybe neon pink or sparkly purple. It’d totally match your vibe.”

Till grimaced at the mental image. “Please, no. I’d rather play air guitar for the rest of my life.”

Ivan laughed quietly, his snaggletooth peeking underneath his upper lips as he did- the sound mingled with the chatter of students around them. The easy banter was working, melting away the frustration that had been threatening to consume him. 

Till got up from his chair, packing his stuff (throwing the page Ivan had ripped into trash) before they went down the hallway. Ivan fell into step beside him, hands stuffed in the pockets of his blazer as he gave his jacket to Till. His gaze was continuously flicking over to Till, as if checking his mood while appreciating how good he looked in Ivan’s own jacket.

“So,” Ivan began after a beat, his voice becoming more serious. “You’re really okay, right? I mean, forgetting your guitar is annoying, but…” He hesitated, searching for the right words. “It feels like there’s more going on with you.”

Till stopped for a second. He could brush it off, pretend everything was fine, but Ivan’s sincerity made it hard to do so. Maybe it was time to open up, even just a little.

“Yeah, there’s… more,” Till admitted, his voice quieter. “It’s just everything piling up- Mizi, school, these thoughts I can’t get straight.” He shrugged, looking away, embarrassment creeping in. “It’s like everything’s slipping through my fingers.”

Ivan nodded, his expression thoughtful. “You don’t have to figure it all out right now. Just take it one thing at a time.” His tone was steady, reassuring.

Till met his gaze, a mix of gratitude and uncertainty swirling inside him. For someone who often wore a carefree facade, Ivan had a surprising depth. There was a sincerity in his eyes that made Till feel understood, if only for a moment.

“Yeah,” Till murmured, more to himself than to Ivan. “One thing at a time.”

They walked in comfortable silence for a moment, the bustling hallways fading into the background. For once, Till allowed himself to lean into the stillness, letting the heaviness he’d been carrying ease, just a little. 

He still had a lot to sort through- Mizi, his feelings, the uncertainty about everything- but for now, he felt… okay. And that was enough.

As they stepped outside into the cool evening air, Ivan shot him a playful glance, a grin tugging at his lips. “So, neon pink, right? Just double-checking.”

Till couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head, feeling light. “In your dreams, man.”

They shared a quiet chuckle, the sound lightening the air around them. For the first time in a while, Till felt like he could breathe again.  

“How far is your house? Are we taking the bus or the train?” Till asked, changing the topic of conversation. Ivan looked towards the gates of the school as kept walking, slightly shivering due to the absence of his winter coat.

“My driver usually picks me up from the parking lot of the restaurant nearby.”

Till paused, eyebrows slightly furrowing. “…Driver? Do you mean your dad or- Do you have an actual driver?”

Ivan stood silent for a moment, gathering his thoughts, then sighed. He wasn’t eager to reveal the truth- that he was, basically, a chaebol. His family situation was complex in ways he preferred not to share, and he wasn’t sure if Till would recognize the conference room of the building where he lived, a penthouse in one of the city’s luxury towers. 

That conference room, the same one where a charity event had been held years ago, where the memory he’d been replaying in his mind for yearr had happened.

Ivan’s hesitation didn’t go unnoticed. Till watched him, the curiosity in his gaze unyielding. Ivan finally cleared his throat, keeping his tone casual. “Yeah, I guess you could say… I’ve got a driver,” he admitted, though he kept his gaze focused straight ahead, not really wanting to see Till’s reaction. “My family has some connections, so… stuff like that just comes with it.”

Till blinked, processing this. “Connections?” he echoed, a slight smile tugging at his lips. “You make it sound like you’re some nepo baby.”

Ivan shrugged, trying to brush it off. “It’s not like that. My family’s… complicated. But I wouldn’t go around calling myself a nepo baby.” He forced a chuckle.

They walked in silence for a few moments, the usual after-school noise filling the background. Ivan glanced over, noticing Till’s thoughtful expression, and something in him softened. It was strange- admitting, talking about his family like this. He hadn’t really intended to, but with Till, the words didn’t feel quite as serious.

“So… this driver,” Till continued, his curiosity still piqued. “Does he, like, drive you everywhere? Even when you go out with friends?”

“Pretty much,” Ivan replied, a hint of resignation in his voice. “It’s a bit restrictive, but it’s how things have always been. The whole… family image thing. Although I do not have a public appearance.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, exhaling in a way that seemed to release a bit of pent-up frustration. “But hey, it gets me home faster.”

Till chuckled. “Must be nice, though. Fancy car, door-to-door service.” He tried to imagine Ivan in that world- a world of chauffeurs, big houses, a family and connections- realizing it was far different from his own.

“Nice, maybe,” Ivan said, but his voice was quieter now, almost as if he were talking to himself. “Sometimes, though… it just feels like a cage.” The words slipped out before he could stop them, and he instantly regretted it, glancing away as if hoping Till hadn’t heard.

Till noticed the shift, noticing the disturbance in Ivan’s body language. He hesitated, not wanting to pry but also not willing to let it go completely. “Hey,” he said softly. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I don’t expect… you to open up just because I did. But thanks for letting me in a little.”

Ivan looked back at him, surprised by Till’s non-aggressive approach to this. It was rare for someone to respond this way, without judgement or assumptions, or any hidden meanings behind people's words. That was what Ivan was used to, after all.

“Yeah,” Ivan said, a faint smile breaking through. “Thank you for… being understanding, I guess.”

The silence that followed wasn’t awkward, comfortable even. Both of them were lost in thought as they neared the restaurant parking lot. It was there that a black car with window films was waiting, the sleek black vehicle of an expensive brand standing out among the others.

Till raised an eyebrow. “Guess that’s our ride?”

Ivan nodded, feeling an odd mix of pride and discomfort. “Yep. Get ready for a taste of comfort, unlike the dirty bus you take.” he said, trying to inject a bit of humor into his tone.

As they climbed into the car, Till glanced around, taking in the immaculate interior. He glanced at the driver as he slightly bowed (as much as he could while sitting), giving a quick greeting. It was surreal, sitting beside Ivan, a setting so far from his usual school routine. But despite the luxury, Ivan seemed almost… ordinary. Like a regular guy just trying to navigate a world that wasn’t always as glamorous as it appeared- although he had his shit more together than Till did.

And as the car pulled away, Till couldn’t shake the feeling that there was much more to Ivan’s world-and to Ivan himself-than he’d ever realized.

The drive was quiet at first, both of them watching the city lights blur past as the sun started setting. Till leaned back against the soft leather, glancing out of the window before sneaking another look at Ivan. There was something about Ivan’s calm expression, his gaze settled on the passing scenery, that seemed strangely peaceful. He didn’t look like the overly confident, sometimes sarcastic guy Till saw at school, but just… whenever it was just the two of them, Ivan seemed to be comfortable. At ease. 

“Is it always this quiet?” Till eventually asked, breaking the silence. He wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that- maybe he was referring to the drive, or Ivan’s expression, or maybe even Ivan’s life, which seemed anything but quiet.

Ivan looked at him.  “Someties,” he said. “But… I kind of like it this way. When you’re constantly surrounded by noise, people expecting things, it’s nice to have some space where it’s just yours.”

Till nodded, taking his time to understand the words. There was a part of him that resonated with that- the constant noise of people at the orphanage, always something going on- even if his reasons were different from Ivan’s, he understood what Ivan meant. It felt rare, almost fragile, to find someone who understood. (Which was one of the reasons why he was so connected to Mizi, maybe.)

The car took a turn, entering a quieter, residential area. Tall buildings with bright lights and dark-tinted windows loomed around them. It was a world Till didn’t know well, one that felt almost unreal. They pulled up in front of an apartment complex, sleek and modern, but still holding a warmth in its glowing lights.

“So… this is it?” Till asked, unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Yeah.” Ivan gave a nod to the driver, who offered a polite nod back before stepping out to open the door for them. “Let’s go. I’ll show you around.”

They stepped out, and Ivan led the way through the quiet lobby, past the marble floor and minimalist decor. Till felt a bit out of place here- he wasn’t used to places like this, places that seemed so meticulously put together. It felt a little bit nostalgic. 

Ivan moved easily, almost unthinkingly, as if this was just another space to him. He walked past the security, approaching the elevators. As they got in, he pressed on the button for the last floor.

A penthouse. Till thought. I guess he wasn’t joking about having so much money. 

As they reached Ivan’s floor and walked down a hallway, Till couldn’t help the slight gap in his mouth, admiring the luxury. “Fancy place you’ve got.”

Ivan gave a slight smirk. “It’s alright. It’s home, I guess.”

When they entered, the apartment looked pristine, until they arrived in Ivan’s room. It looked cozier than Till had expected, still pristine, but there were also traces of life- a stack of books on a table, a few half-finished sketches on the counter, a cello leaning against a wall, about to fall down.

Till’s eyes lingered on the cello “You play?”

Ivan looked over, nodding. “Yeah. Sometimes. Not much lately.” He hesitated before adding, “Feel free to use it if you know how to play.”

Till blinked, a little taken aback. The offer felt like a kind of trust, something Ivan didn’t give freely. Though he felt nauseous at the idea of using a cello, similar to violin- something Luka used to play for them if Hyuna asked him to. Before everything went down.

‘No thanks.”

Till settled into the unfamiliar space as he looked at one of the sketches. They were mostly drawings of stuff, rather than figures. A sketch of the moon in a garden, some dead flowers laying on the ground, and something that looked like a black hole. 

The sketch of the garden felt oddly familiar, though he stopped paying attention as Ivan spoke.

“You really seem to like my jacket.” 

Till paused, the realization suddenly kicked in– he was still wearing Ivan’s jacket. He took it on in an instance, blushing up to his ear. “I forgot.” He muttered, as he slowly offered it back to Ivan. 

Ivan couldn’t help but smirk, enjoying the blush on Till’s cheeks. He liked this, making Till flustered, flustered, anything. He still couldn’t understand what made Till react in ways he did, and he found joy in this. Till was unpredictable, one of the reasons Ivan was just so… stuck about him.

“Keep it, your jacket seemed old anyways. Plus, I can buy another one whenever I want.” He slowly pushed the jacket Till was offering at him. 

“I- This is probably too expensive. I can’t.” Till denied his offer, looking into Ivan’s eyes. His eyes have a little red in them. He noticed.

“Till, I insist. I saw the area you lived by yesterday- no offence, but it’s sketchy. So please, just accept this.”

Till paused, he should have denied it, as that was where Hyuna’s place was- not his. But he couldn’t tell Ivan that he was just an orphan, it had barely been a week since they started getting closer.

“...You know what, fine. In exchange, I will make sure to write the best lyrics ever known to humankind.” Till said, as he put the jacket by his side and started looking for something in his bag, eventually pulling his notebook and a cheap looking pen out.

Ivan smiled, feeling satisfied by the fact that Till was now going to be using Till’s jacket, until it got worn out. And when it did get worn out, Ivan would offer him a new one. He didn’t doubt that in ten years from now on, he would still be in contact with Till, thus he would definitely be able to buy him a new jacket eventually.

He had found the boy with the passion flower, and he did not plan to let go of him. Whether he was on Till’s side as a friend, enemy, a sponsor or something else- he planned to always, always be by his side.

Chapter 12: fractured mind

Summary:

Mizi took a deep breath, letting the weight of Sua’s encouragement wash over her. Finally, after what felt like hours of emotional torture, Mizi raised her head and turned to Sua. “Thank you for being here for me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Always,” Sua replied, her expression softening. “I’m in your corner, no matter what happens. Just remember that.”

Mizi smiled, feeling spoiled by Sua’s support.

“You know,” Mizi said slowly, her voice dropping as uncertainty seeped in, “I really… am glad I have you by my side.” She smiled, wide enough to make Sua feel the sincerity behind those words, yet still gentle. “You mean the whole universe to me.”

After a moment of silence. Sua leaned closer, her expression serious. “You… mean the whole universe to me too.”

Mizi could feel Sua’s warm breath on her cheeks. She felt the blood in her veins move, rushing up to her cheeks as her heart beat so hard that it would explode in her chest. Mizi gulped, she slowly closed her eyes, accepting Sua’s touch in any shape or form. 

Mizi had lost track of the days, counting them only by the increasingly elaborate ways Till managed to avoid her. Lately, he always seemed just out of reach, slipping through crowded hallways and ducking into doors she knew he didn’t need to use. A few times, she caught a glimpse of him- a flash of familiar grey hair. It was maddening.

The first day or two after they had fun at Hyuna’s place, she thought to herself that it was her imagination, that she was reading too much into his absent glances and clipped answers. But by the end of the week, the absence became too obvious to ignore.

She hadn’t thought she’d care this much; after all, Till was just Till, always around her like a planet orbiting the sun. That was why every time he avoided Mizi, it left a sour, uncomfortable feeling she couldn’t shake. It crawled through her body during class, practice, sleep, turned her thoughts muddled when she was supposed to be studying, and left her staring blankly out of windows, trying to make sense of it all.

There had been something in the air before, an almost unspoken ease between them that she was only now realizing she missed. She didn’t know why he was avoiding her, and it was that lack of explanation that stung most. A thousand possibilities rushed through her mind—had she said something, done something wrong without realizing it? Or was it something worse, like him not supporting her feelings for Sua?

She replayed their last time they spent time together over and over, looking for some hidden signal she’d missed. But no matter how hard she tried, she kept coming up empty.

"Are you even listening?" Sua’’s voice broke through her thoughts one afternoon, a touch sharper than usual.

She blinked, realizing she’d been staring into the distance, her mind somewhere far away from their conversation. "Sorry," she mumbled, glancing back at her. Sua’s eyes were narrowed, a look of faint concern tugging downwards at the corners of his mouth.

Sua didn’t press her at first, but the way she waited, her gaze steady and unwavering, made Mizi feel the tension of the unspoken words hanging in the air between them. It was uncomfortable, which wasn’t something she ever felt around Sua- who was someone that cared enough to notice her struggles.

“Mizi,” Sua finally said, her tone gentle but firm. “I know you too well, and I know you are holding your feelings back right now. I get it; something’s bothering you.” She paused before guessing. “Is it about Till?”

Mizi felt a flush creep up her neck, surprised by how quickly her heart raced at the mere mention of his name. Not for the same reason it did for Sua- it was more like the anxiety of losing Till that made her heart pump faster. 

She turned away, focusing on a random spot on the floor as she gathered her thoughts. “I just… I don’t know. I thought we were fine, but now it feels like he’s avoiding me. And I have no idea why.”

“Have you talked to him?” Sua asked, her voice laced with concern.

“No,” Mizi admitted, shaking her head. “What would I even say? ‘Hey, why are you pretending I don’t exist?’”

“Maybe something less dramatic?” Sua suggested, a small smile tugging at her lips, trying to lighten the mood. “But seriously, communication might help. You can’t just let this eat you alive.”

Mizi sighed, leaning her head on Sua’s shoulder. “I know. It’s just hard. Every time I see him, I want to say something, but the words get stuck in my throat. 

“Maybe he feels the same,” Sua countered, her eyes searching Mizi’s for understanding. “You know Till can be a bit… secretive, sometimes. He barely ever joined us for lunch since last year, after all. Maybe he’s going through something he doesn’t want to share.”

The thought struck Mizi like a bolt of lightning. What if he was struggling with something she didn’t know about? The idea of Till hiding his feelings felt unsettling, yet it also made her heart ache for him. “What if he is?” she murmured, her mind racing. “Is he… projecting himself by avoiding me?”

“Or maybe he thinks he’s protecting you,” Sua offered gently. “You can’t assume the worst. Maybe he needs you to reach out first.”

Mizi bit her lip, considering that possibility. “But what if he doesn’t want me to? What if he just wants to be left alone?”

“Then you’ll know,” Sua replied, her voice steady. “But you have to try. You’re not going to figure anything out by hiding from each other.”

Mizi took a deep breath, the weight of her emotions crashing down on her. “I don’t want to lose him, Sua. He’s important to me, and it hurts to feel this distance between us.”

“Then don’t lose hope,” Sua said, her tone reassuring. “You’ll never know until you talk to him. And if he cares about you, he’ll want to hear from you.”

Mizi nodded slowly, her heart pounding with a mix of anxiety and determination. She felt like she was standing at the edge of a cliff, unsure if she wanted to jump into the unknown or stay safely where she was. But Sua was right; staying silent was killing her, and she needed to know what was going on with Till.

“Okay,” she said finally, her voice stronger than she felt. “I’ll talk to him. I just hope I don’t make things worse.”

“You won’t,” Sua reassured her with a soft smile. 

Mizi smiled back, grateful for Sua’s support. Slowly, Sua’s smile settled down, as Mizi watched her look away, slightly bothered by something.

“You don’t… have a crush on Till or something, do you?” She asked hesitantly, as if she was scared of the answer. Mizi blinked, gauging at the idea in her head. She loved Till, but she could never, ever imagine the two of them being involved romantically.

“God, Imagine. I am pretty sure that would be like incest.” She said, half joking. 

Sua let out a small laugh, but it was laced with nervousness. “Right? You and Till are practically siblings at this point.”

Mizi chuckled, but the humor didn’t quite reach her eyes. The idea of Till becoming anything more than a brother figure was not even a thing in her brain. He was the other side of her, someone who grounded her when everything else felt chaotic. “Exactly. It would be weird,” she agreed, but her heart ached a little at the thought of losing that bond.

Mizi took a deep breath, though it was a little shaky. Hesitantly, she rubbed her forehead against Sua’s shoulder, trying to find forget. “It’s just that…” she took a pause. “Have you ever felt like you’re losing someone without even knowing why?” Mizi asked suddenly, her voice barely above a whisper. The vulnerability in her tone caught Sua’s attention, and she slowly ran a finger through Mizi’s hair.

“Every day, honestly,” Sua replied, her gaze steady. “But it’s worse when you know the person is still there, just… distant. It’s like standing in a room full of people and still feeling utterly alone.”

Mizi nodded, the analogy settling deeply within her. “That’s exactly it. I can see him, and I can feel that he’s still the same Till, but there’s this wall between us now. And it’s suffocating.”

“What do you think is behind that wall?” Sua asked gently, trying to encourage Mizi to dig deeper.

“I wish I knew,” Mizi admitted, frustration creeping into her voice. “Part of me wants to believe he’s going through something, but what if he's just… tired of being my friend?” Mizi uttered, voice sounding as if she was about to cry. 

“Don’t jump to conclusions,” Sua said firmly. “Till cares about you. Just think about how he used to be around you. He’s your biggest supporter, even if he’s being distant right now.”

Mizi’s heart fluttered at Sua’s words, but the doubt still lingered. “But what if I’m not the friend he wants to be around anymore? What if I’ve made him… uncomfortable?” Her voice cracked, thinking about the conversation they had at Hyuna’s apartment. Was he faking his support? He did leave to get air not once, but twice… Did Mizi’s new discovery about her identity really bother him this much?

“Then you’ll find out, won’t you?” Sua replied, determination shining in her eyes. “The worst thing you can do is keep second-guessing yourself. You deserve to know where you stand with him. Besides, it’s not like you’re just going to let him slip away without trying, right?”

Mizi took a deep breath, letting the weight of Sua’s encouragement wash over her. Finally, after what felt like hours of emotional torture, Mizi raised her head and turned to Sua. “Thank you for being here for me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Always,” Sua replied, her expression softening. “I’m in your corner, no matter what happens. Just remember that.”

Mizi smiled, feeling spoiled by Sua’s support.

“You know,” Mizi said slowly, her voice dropping as uncertainty seeped in, “I really… am glad I have you by my side.” She smiled, wide enough to make Sua feel the sincerity behind those words, yet still gentle. “You mean the whole universe to me.”

After a moment of silence. Sua leaned closer, her expression serious. “You… mean the whole universe to me too.” 

Mizi could feel Sua’s warm breath on her cheeks. She felt the blood in her veins move, rushing up to her cheeks as her heart beat so hard that it would explode in her chest. Mizi gulped, she slowly closed her eyes, accepting Sua’s touch in any shape or form. 

She felt Sua’s hand on her cheeks, thumb slowly caressing under her eyes, and she felt Sua’s warm breath again, contrasting against the cold November weather.

I… sure am going to hell, one day. Sua thought, as she slowly rubbed her lips against Mizi’s forehead, before pulling herself back.

Mizi stood, a little disappointed as she opened her eyes, trying to understand what was going on. “Sua…?” She asked, a bit unsure of what else to say.

“I thought you had a fewer, your face is very red.” Sua said, masking her true intentions. As she avoided Mizi’s gaze, she slowly extended her legs to hop into a standing position. “Goodluck with Till.” She said before waving and exiting the rooftop.  

As the sun began to set, casting warm hues across the rooftop, Mizi was more confused than ever. She knew about Sua’s religious background, knew how low the chances were of Sua actually reciprocating her feelings- So why was Sua doing this? Giving Mizi hope, then pulling herself back before anything actually happened? Was she in denial? Protecting herself from the judgement of the Lord? Or was she… protecting Mizi, or preparing her in a way of what would happen if they did get together, but would have to get separated if anyone found out- 

Mizi shook her head as she pinched her skin on the top of her hand. No more letting Till avoid her. No more second-guessing Sua’s intentions with her. She would find out the truth, no matter what it took.

-

It was Saturday, the weekend dragging in the chilly November air as it neared the end of the month. Mizi stood just inside the orphanage, the hallway echoing with the faint sounds of laughter and chatter from the common room. She felt like a statue, frozen in place, as she watched Till prepare by putting his shoes and headphones on, to leave for his shift at the convenience store. He has a new jacket. Mizi thought. 

His grey hair caught the dim light, casting a shadow that seemed to stretch between them, and it only deepened the sense of distance that had grown over the week.

“Till!” Mizi called out, her voice a mixture of desperation and determination. She couldn’t let him slip away again, not when she needed answers.

He paused just outside the door, turning slightly but not meeting her gaze. “I can’t talk right now, Mizi,” he replied, his voice flat, almost robotic. It was the same tone he used with people he didn’t want to bother entertaining, the same he had used with her all week, and it made her insides twist.

“Why not?” she pushed, stepping forward to block his path. “You’ve been avoiding me since wednesday. Don’t you think it’s time we talked about this?”

His eyes flickered towards her, filled with something she couldn’t decipher—frustration, maybe? “I just need to get to work,” he said, trying to sidestep her, but she moved to keep him in place.

“No, Till! You can’t just brush me off like this!” Her heart raced, fueled by a mix of anger and worry. “What’s going on with you? Why are you acting like I don’t even exist?”

He clenched his jaw, and for a moment, it looked like he might just turn and leave. “I’m not acting like that,” he snapped, finally looking her in the eye, the tension in his expression palpable. “You’re making this into something it’s not.”

Mizi felt a surge of hurt wash over her. “How can you say that? You’ve barely spoken to me since… since everything at Hyuna’s. It feels like you’re trying to erase me from your life!”

Till sighed heavily, his shoulders drooping slightly. “Maybe it would be easier if I did,” he muttered under his breath, but Mizi caught the words, and they struck her like a physical blow.

“What do you mean by that?” She challenged, feeling a knot of anger and confusion twist in her stomach. “You think avoiding me is the answer? What happened to the Till I know, who would sit and talk to me for hours? Days if sleep wasn’t something your body fucking needs!”

He looked away, his gaze fixed on the ground. “I can’t be that person right now.” he said quietly, almost regretfully. 

“Why not?!” Mizi’s voice cracked with emotion, the frustration spilling over. “What’s changed? You think I don’t care? You think I can’t handle whatever you’re dealing with?”

His eyes finally met hers, and she saw something vulnerable behind the anger—a flicker of pain, of fear. “You don’t get it, Mizi. I don’t want to drag you into this. You deserve better than to be stuck in my mess.”

“Till, you’re not a mess! You’re my best friend!” She stepped closer, her voice softening, desperate to reach him. “Whatever you’re going through, we can face it together. You don’t have to push me away.”

He hesitated, the fight draining out of him as he struggled with his emotions. “Yes, I do,” he admitted, the words almost a whisper. “I don’t know how to let you in without making it worse.”

Mizi felt her heart ache at the sight of him, so lost and afraid. “You’re not going to make it worse by talking to me, I promise. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

For a long moment, the silence hung heavy between them. The air was thick with unspoken words, with doubts and fears swirling in the space where their friendship had once thrived. She could see the walls he had built around himself, and she felt a deep yearning to break them down, to pull him back into the light.

“Please, Till,” she urged, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “Let me in. Talk to me.”

He looked at her, his expression wavering, and for a heartbeat, she thought he might finally break. But then the moment passed, and he turned away, his resolve hardening again. “I can’t,” he said, almost too quietly. “I need to go to work.”

“Till!” she called after him, but he was already slipping out the door, leaving her standing in the hallway, heart racing and filled with an ache she couldn’t shake.

Defeated, she let herself sink against the wall, sliding down until she was sitting on the floor, staring at the door he had just exited. She wanted to scream, to cry, to shake him until he understood how much she cared. But all she could do was sit there in silence, feeling the weight of his absence pressing down on her, threatening to crush her spirit.

Mizi walked towards the common room, arms crossed tightly over her chest, as she struggled to find the strength to walk. She noticed the commotion in the common room, all the little ones gathered around someone, a certain blonde, offering him sweets and drawings. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes, this was the last thing she wanted to deal with. She turned her back, trying to leave unnoticed, but the blonde spoke regarding her.

“What's going on with you and Till?” Luka asked, sucking on a lollipop.

She opened her mouth to respond but hesitated, unsure of where to start. “ILeave me alone.” she finally said, frustration creeping back into her voice.

“Maybe he’s scared,” Luka suggested, his tone shifting to a less mocking tone. It was as if he was testing how many words he could utter before Mizi punched him. “Scared of how much he means to you or how much you mean to him. Sometimes people shut others out because they don’t know how to deal with their own feelings.”

Mizi looked at him, surprised by his insight, but still annoyed. She furrowed her eyebrows as she felt the anger rising up to her chest. “None of that is your fucking business.” She spit out as she turned her back to him, not caring about swearing in front of the little kids for once (which she often scolded Till for). 

“Why are you even here? The press doesn’t even know you’re adopted.” she continued. 

Luka shrugged, as if the answer was obvious, yet he didn’t tell her. “This place was still my home for sixteen years, Shine allows me to come in.” He answered, glancing away as if lost in his own memories. “I was also hoping I could ask you or the wet cat about the whereabouts of Hyuna.” Wet cat- a nickname Mizi had come up with for Till as children. Something Till hated to be called as. 

Of course he wants to know where Hyuna is. Mizi thought, sighing as she turned her face towards the door again, not enthusiastic to entertain Luka.

”Oh, I can also help you figure out where you stand in Sua’s life.” Luka talked, getting up to approach her from the behind, slightly stroking her shoulder. “That’s the girl that you like so much, am I right?”

Mizi pulled her shoulder away from Luka’s hand, scowling as she took a step back. She was mad, every bone, muscle, cell in her body wanted to punch Luka across the face. But this was what he wanted- to be abused so he could blackmail her into reaching Hyuna. She clenched her fists, not looking at him. “I don’t need life lessons from you, Luka. And I definitely don’t need your theories about Sua. You don’t know anything about what’s going on between us.”

Luka’s grin barely faltered. “You’re right,” he said, shrugging nonchalantly. “But it’s not hard to guess when someone’s looking as miserable as you are. Or when they’re practically fuming because a certain someone”—he jerked his head in the direction Till had left—“acts like he doesn’t even know they exist anymore.”

Mizi clenched her fists, anger bubbling up, but she refused to let him get a rise out of her. “Go pretend to care somewhere else, Luka. Whatever you’re after, it’s not going to work on me. Besides,” she said, her voice dripping with contempt, “don’t you have better things to do, like posing for photoshoots or basking in your own ego?”

His smirk faltered this time, if only for a second, and Mizi saw a flash of irritation in his eyes. But Luka quickly recovered, crossing his arms and giving her an appraising look. “Guess I touched a nerve. And you’re right—I do have other things to do. But Hyuna’s one of them. She might not answer my calls, but I figured you or Till would know how to find her. And I’m sure if you can help me out, you might get something out of it too.”

Mizi shot him a glare, barely able to contain her frustration. “Hyuna doesn’t need you showing up just because you feel nostalgic or whatever. If she wanted to see you, she’d reach out herself. But let me guess,” she sneered, “you want to sweep in and pretend like everything’s fine because it suits you now, right?”

Luka’s jaw tightened, a crack in his usual calm facade. “It’s not like that,” he said, his voice a little lower. “And I don’t owe you an explanation for what’s between Hyuna and me.”

“Then stay out of mine,” she retorted, voice full of bitterness. “If you think I’m going to play messenger just so you can pull Hyuna back into your life when it’s convenient for you, think again.”

They stood there, locked in a tense silence, neither willing to back down. Mizi felt her heart pounding as she glared at him, anger and resentment swirling with an intensity she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Finally, Luka sighed and took a step back, dropping the smirk for something that almost looked like resignation. “Fine,” he said, holding his hands up as if in surrender. “Keep your secrets. But don’t act so high and mighty, Mizi. You’re still the weakling, and Till isn’t here to protect you from the harsh reality of life anymore.”

With that, he turned and strode away, the kids in the common room gathering around him again. Mizi stayed rooted to the spot, fists clenched, watching him go. Then she retreated to her room, to find peace, to escape from the harsh reality Luka knew the most about.

Chapter 13: strings in between

Summary:

“Till,” she said, her tone careful but firm, “she’s worrying about you anyway. Maybe sharing whatever it is you are struggling with, wouldn’t hurt as much as you think.”

Till narrowed his eyes, his expression filled with a mixture of frustration and vulnerability. Two of his least favourite emotions.

“And what if it does? What if I just end up hurting her more? Giving her more to worry about?”

There was a quiet pause before Sua spoke again, her voice gentle. “Sometimes, it’s not about avoiding hurting them. It’s about letting people choose to be there, even if it’s hard.” She smiled softly, thinking about Mizi and her heart, too big for own good, trying her best for her so-called brother- “You might be surprised by how strong she is, especially when it comes to you.”

The dim glow of Ivan's desk lamp cast long shadows around his room, highlighting the open sheet music sprawled out across the table. Tuesday nights had quickly become a ritual: after school, Ivan and Till tucked themselves away here, surrounded by instruments and notebooks filled with unfinished lyrics. 

Till had his back to Ivan, adjusting the strings on his guitar, his fingers moving deftly but his expression distant. Ivan couldn’t help but notice. Till had been quiet since the weekend, more so than usual. It was a quietness Ivan hadn’t quite figured out how to break.

"So, I was thinking of a softer bridge here," Ivan suggested, tapping a pencil against the lines he’d sketched out. "Something that feels… more intimate, you know?" He hesitated, hoping to draw Till in. But Till only nodded, his eyes focused on his guitar, fingers absently plucking at chords.

"Yeah, that could work," Till replied, his voice flat. He kept his gaze fixed downward, avoiding Ivan’s searching look. 

Ivan sighed, leaning back in his chair. "You’ve been… somewhere else all night, Till. Is something up?" He waited, half expecting Till to brush it off. Till was good at dodging questions, but tonight, the silence felt heavier.

Finally, Till shrugged. "It's nothing," he muttered, but his fingers faltered on the strings, betraying the tension knotted up inside him.

Ivan leaned forward, studying him closely. "You sure? Because you've been… distant. Even more than usual," he added, forcing a casual tone, though his heart thudded with the hope that maybe, just maybe, Till would let him in. 

Till glanced up briefly, meeting Ivan’s gaze for a split second before looking away again. "It’s just... someone tried to talk to me about something," he murmured. "But I… didn’t really know what to say."

Ivan tried to piece it together, sensing the hesitation Till struggled to put into words. "Was it… Mizi?" he asked gently, watching for a reaction. 

Till’s grip on his guitar tightened, his gaze dropping to the floor. "Yeah. I think I messed things up."

Ivan glanced down at the half-finished sheet music, wondering how to respond to Till's uncharacteristic openness. This was the first time Till had admitted to feeling like he'd messed something up. Ivan wanted to reach across the gap between them and say something that would make it right, but he knew better than to push too hard, too fast.

"Look," he began, choosing his words carefully, "maybe you could just... try and talk to her first. Even if you don't know what to say, sometimes just being there is enough."

Till's expression softened, just a hint, as if he might consider it. But before he could respond, Ivan’s phone buzzed on the table, lighting up with a familiar name. He gave Till an apologetic look before answering.

"Hey, Sua," Ivan greeted, putting her on speaker while keeping an eye on Till, whose posture subtly tensed at the mention of her name.

"Ivan, hey," Sua's voice came through, calm but laced with a hint of frustration. "Sorry to bother you, but my parents are having this, like, mini-reunion thing with their friends. It’s loud, and I’m trying to get some music stuff done... I just- do you mind if I come by for a bit?"

Ivan's eyes flicked to Till, as if gauging his reaction. Till chewed on his inner cheek, realizing Ivan’s gaze on him, he nodded.

"Sure," Ivan said, smiling even though she couldn’t see him. "Come over whenever. I’m just working on some music with Till."

There was a brief pause on the other end, but Sua only replied with a light, "Thanks. I'll be there soon." She hung up quickly, and Ivan glanced back at Till, who had gone back to fiddling with his guitar, his shoulders hunched.

"She’ll probably just keep to herself," Ivan said, not wanting to interrupt the moment between him and Till. "You know how Sua is."

"Yeah," Till murmured, half-focused, as if pulled in two directions- one toward Ivan’s steady presence and the other back to the lingering thoughts of Mizi. He finally set his guitar down and met Ivan’s eyes. "Do you think I should apologize? To Mizi, I mean."

Ivan gave a small nod, realizing how rare it was for Till to voice a question like this. "If you feel like you need to... then yeah. I think she'd want to hear it. You could also ask Sua." He tried not to show the relief that Till was finally opening up, even if just a little. “Her and Mizi are close after all.”

A few moments later, the doorbell echoed through the apartment,  and Ivan got up to let Sua in, his heart thumping as he glanced back at Till. This conversation was far from over. But with Sua here, he knew they’d have to tone it down, just as they were finally getting somewhere.

Ivan opened the door to find Sua standing there, a faintly weary look in her eyes, her notebook filled with musical notes tucked under one arm. She gave a small smile and a wave before stepping inside.

“Sorry for dropping by,” she said softly. “My parents are hosting a bunch of friends tonight, and it’s... louder than usual.”

“It’s fine,” Ivan reassured her, leading her into his room where Till sat on the couch, guitar resting on his lap. Till looked up, his fingers halting mid-chord. He nodded at Sua in acknowledgment, then shifted slightly to make room as she settled on the other side of the small couch.

For a few moments, the room was quiet as they resumed their own tasks—Till strumming lightly on his guitar, Ivan making notes in his notebook, and Sua opening out her notebook and pulling out her pencils, quietly humming to herself. The three of them worked in an easy silence, each absorbed in their own rhythm, until Sua looked up thoughtfully.

“It’s kind of nice to have a break from all the noise at home,” Sua broke the silence, eyes on the musical notes she was scrambling. "Family gatherings can be… complicated sometimes. They always have these expectations." She paused, the words hovering between a casual remark and something more. 

Sua knew Ivan could relate to this, and wanted to get something out of him so Till would start opening up too- which would help her figure what his problem was that made Mizi so upset.

Till’s gaze remained fixed on his guitar, his fingers picking out a soft, steady tune. But there was a slight tension in his jaw, as if the comment had struck a nerve. Ivan noticed, glancing between the two of them, and felt the familiar pull to ease the atmosphere.

“Yeah, I’m guessing it’s different for everyone though,” Ivan replied carefully, glancing sideways at Till, who nodded but didn’t elaborate. “Sometimes family can be supportive, sometimes... you just need space.”

Sua nodded, looking at Till thoughtfully, sensing the impact the conversation had on him. “I mean, sometimes you can’t fix everything, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t important,” she added quietly, the gentleness in her voice clearly meant for Till.

Till shifted, his fingers slowing over the strings as he unexpectedly met her gaze, a mixture of anger and hesitation in his expression. "Yeah, maybe," he murmured, his voice almost inaudible.

Ivan felt the tension rise slightly and tried to steer the focus back to something familiar. “So, should we try that bridge one more time?” he asked Till, giving him an encouraging look, trying to distract him so Sua and Till wouldn’t banter. 

Till gave a small nod as he picked up the tempo on his guitar. 

Sua glanced back down at her notebook for a moment, as though gathering her thoughts. Then, in a soft but probing voice, she looked up at Till. “Mizi told me once that she thinks of you as family. Like an older brother she could count on,” she said, her tone gentle, almost inviting. “I think she misses that… maybe she misses you.”

Till’s fingers froze over his guitar strings, his eyes fixed downward. Ivan observed him closely, noticing the faint tension in his friend’s posture. It wasn’t like Till to let his guard slip so easily, but tonight, the unspoken distance between him and Mizi seemed to weigh on him more than he wanted to admit.

“It’s… complicated,” Till replied, his voice low. “She probably thinks I’m being selfish. I just—I don’t always know how to talk to her. It’s like whatever I say feels wrong, like I’m…” he paused, searching for the right words, “...pushing her away without meaning to.”

Sua nodded after a moment of silence, taking in Till’s words. She kept her voice soft, careful not to push him too far. She hesitated for a moment before speaking. “Maybe Mizi just wants to feel like you’re there, even if things with you are messy.”

Till’s jaw tightened, and he seemed to wrestle with an inner conflict, his fingers hovering uncertainly over the guitar strings. “I… I don’t want to make things harder for her. She’s got enough to deal with- stuff even you don’t even know about.” He looked directly towards Sua. “I don’t want her worrying about me.”

Sua listened closely, though she felt a little frustrated over the idea of Till knowing stuff about Mizi that she did. She didn’t change her expression, but fidgeted with the pencil in her hand. 

“Till,” she said, her tone careful but firm, “she’s worrying about you anyway. Maybe sharing whatever it is you are struggling with, wouldn’t hurt as much as you think.”

Till narrowed his eyes, his expression filled with a mixture of frustration and vulnerability. Two of his least favourite emotions.

“And what if it does? What if I just end up hurting her more? Giving her more to worry about?”

There was a quiet pause before Sua spoke again, her voice gentle. “Sometimes, it’s not about avoiding hurting them. It’s about letting people choose to be there, even if it’s hard.” She smiled softly, thinking about Mizi and her heart, too big for own good, trying her best for her so-called brother- “You might be surprised by how strong she is, especially when it comes to you.”

Till sat there, Sua’s words running through his mind like a song he couldn’t quite shake. “You might be surprised by how strong she is, especially when it comes to you.”  

It echoed in his thoughts, twisting the knots in his head that he’d tried so hard to keep tight. His fingers hovered over the guitar strings, his eyes distant. Mizi had been there for him through everything; she’d been patient, even when he didn’t deserve it. But when she needed him, he’d backed away.

He stole a glance at Sua, who was watching him with an expression of patience. Her words had struck a chord deeper than he’d expected, something fragile he’d been avoiding. He cleared his throat, trying to ease the discomfort in his chest. “You think… she’d want to hear whatever the fuck is going on in my head?” he asked quietly, voice slightly shaky. 

Sua nodded without hesitation. “If it means you’re letting her be there for you, yeah. She’d want that more than anything, Till.” She paused without continuing, thinking about words that were about to come out of her mouth. “Mizi doesn’t see you as some project to fix; she just wants to be part of your life, even if it’s… fucked up” she repeated, a soft smile crossing her face. “Sometimes being there is all it takes.”

Till’s jaw clenched, his fingers pressing down harder than needed on the strings. “I don’t want her to worry about me. She’s got enough on her plate already,” he muttered. He felt Ivan’s gaze on him, but he kept his eyes down, focusing on the guitar. Mizi’s strong, he thought. She’ll be fine without me. Won’t she?

But even as he thought it, he knew it wasn’t that simple. Mizi wouldn’t just stop caring, and maybe shutting her out had only hurt her more.

Ivan leaned forward, his tone gentle but insistent. “Till, she sees you as a family. You don’t just- abandon your family, or shut them out. That’s not what family is, you know?” He tried to catch on to Till's expression, though he couldn’t actually process what was going on behind his head. Just the way he liked it. “You’re allowed to lean on people, too. Let Mizi be there for you—she wants that.” His hand rested on Till’s shoulder, a quiet reassurance that somehow made the tightness in his chest ease just a little.

The room fell into a thoughtful silence. Ivan was waiting for a response, but Till couldn’t help but feel a little angry at his words. “You don’t just- abandon your family.” My ass. The fuck does he know? Fucking rich ass kid… 

He tried to calm down before he let anything slip out that he did not want to share with them, at least not yet- each of them were lost in their own thoughts until Sua spoke up again. “You’re both so stubborn,” she said, her voice a little more harsh than before. “Maybe that’s why you’re so close.”

Till sat there, Sua’s words still hanging in the air between them, but his mind was already somewhere else. The silence stretched on longer than he was comfortable with, and the pressure in his chest only grew heavier. He didn’t want to keep talking in circles, didn’t want to keep rehashing the same feelings that only made everything worse.

His fingers tapped against the guitar absentmindedly, his thoughts drifting to Mizi again. The way she’d looked at him when she thought he was pulling away, the hurt in her voice she didn’t even try to hide.

"Do you think… she’d just forgive me for ignoring her for so long?" he asked suddenly, his voice rough. His eyes didn’t meet theirs, instead staring at the floor, his mind racing. "I don’t even know how to make it... easy. If I really open up to her- I wouldn’t know how to go back to what we were."

There was a sharp intake of breath from Sua, but she didn’t answer immediately. She didn’t need to. Till knew what she was thinking, and maybe, in some way, he already knew the answer himself.

"I’m not good at this," Till muttered, almost to himself. "I don’t know how to fix things. With her. With anyone. Mizi is the one that always made the connections right for me- and now that my relationship with her fucked, I don’t know what to do."

There was a pause, a moment of silence before Ivan spoke, his voice softer than usual. "You don’t need to be good at it, Till. You just need to try ."

Till felt a flicker of something- resentment, maybe, or bitterness. Easy for you to say, he thought, but he didn’t say it out loud. The words stayed stuck in his throat.

The silence hung thick, and Till let it fill the space, unsure of what to say next. The weight of his thoughts and the frustration clawing at him felt suffocating.

His gaze moved to the window, the night dark outside, and he couldn’t help but wonder about what Mizi was doing at the orphanage, feeling just as lost as he was. And even though the idea of talking to her, of laying everything bare, terrified him, a part of him knew he was running out of time. 

“So, what now?” Till asked, his voice distant. It wasn’t a question for anyone in particular—it was the question he was asking himself. What the hell was he supposed to do next?

Sua and Ivan exchanged glances, but neither spoke right away. Finally, it was Sua who broke the silence again. “You take it one step at a time, Till. Just… try and talk to her, that should be enough for now.” She didn’t say it with pity, but with a quiet sort of understanding.

Till’s fingers found their way back to his guitar, a rhythm emerging from his restless thoughts. It was a small comfort, but it was something. 

He just had to start.

And maybe that was enough. For now.

-

Hyuna had barely stepped into the bar for her shift when she could already feel the tension in the air. It was a typical Wednesday night, the place was quiet—at least, for now—but the unspoken drama between Till and Mizi hung over her like a storm waiting to break. She knew something had shifted between them over the weekend. Even with all the chaos of her own life, both of them had reached out to her, asking for help on how to approach the other- closing the distance, solving the unresolved feelings.

She hadn’t had the chance to talk to either of them yet, but she already had a sense of what had been happening. It wasn’t the first time Mizi had come to her with questions about Till, and it wasn’t the first time Till had seemed distant after one of their deep, emotional conversations. Hyuna wasn’t blind to it—she’d been watching their friendship be on the edge for months, and now, it seemed like it was finally tipping over.

She was setting up at the bar when Dewey walked in, looking like he hadn’t slept a full night in weeks. Hyuna felt a pang of sympathy but pushed it down, knowing he would never admit it if she asked. She gave her a knowing look, and Dewey offered a faint smile.

“You alright?” Hyuna asked, wiping down the counter.

Dewey hesitated before nodding. “Yeah, just tired. Drunk old men are the worst.” 

Hyuna had been expecting this. The usual complaining session of Dewey, until Isaac showed up to make him go back outside to do his job as the bouncer. “Tell me about it, and they always reek of something disgusting, right?” She offered him a shot of vodka-redbull, looking over her shoulder to make sure no one was looking. “This is on me, don’t worry about it.”

Dewey didn’t seem reassured, but she nodded anyway, clearly grateful for the alcohol. Hyuna wasn’t sure if it would be enough, so she gave him a pat on the shoulder. 

Before she could say more, the door swung open, and Isaac walked in. He started scolding Dewey, causing him to shotgun the shot quickly and giving Hyuna the glass before being caught. Isaac walked up to the bar, grabbing Dewey by the ear and making him go back to his job. 

Hyuna couldn’t help but chuckle.

This was her usual weekday night, and she found peace in it.

A few hours passed by, clock showing a bit over midnight. She would close in an hour, as tonight seemed to be even calmer than usual. She started the cleanup process, trying to relax at the beauty of the club when it was empty.

But at that moment, the door opened slowly, and Hyuna froze. A slim figure stepped into the bar, and for a moment, she didn’t even recognize him. He was wearing a black baseball cap and oversized sunglasses, but even with the disguise, she could feel her heart skip in her chest. She knew exactly who it was.

Luka.

Hyuna’s breath hitched in her throat. He looked polished, dressed in designer clothes that screamed idol status. He walked into the bar with an easy confidence, the kind of air that demanded attention. Even with the disguise, the aura of fame clung to him. It made Hyuna want to vomit.

Luka approached the counter with a smile that was both charming and somehow… pathetic. Desperate, even.

“Hyuna,” he said, his voice smooth, yet carrying an edge that sent a shiver down her spine. “It’s been a while.”

Her stomach twisted, and she forced herself to respond, though her heart was racing. “Fuck off.”

He giggled, sitting on one of the stools by the bar, as if they were just old friends catching up. “A little birdie told me you were working here. Thought I’d stop by, see how things were going.” He raised his gaze, looking into her eyes now- “You look good, Hyuna.” He spoke casually, but there was something too polished about it—like he was performing, even here, in the quiet of the bar. When he had no audience besides Hyuna. 

Hyuna didn’t want to talk to him. She just… couldn’t. Her eyes flicked to the door, toIsaac who was sitting there, his gaze now fixed on Luka with a look of recognition that made Hyuna’s blood run cold. Luka had pulled some strings again, even Isaac- the owner of the club, seemed unable to escort him out.

“I’m working,” Hyuna said, her voice sharp. “What are you really here for, Luka?”

Luka’s smile didn’t falter, but there was a subtle shift in his demeanor. “I just wanted to catch up,” he said, but it didn’t feel like the whole truth. 

Hyuna crossed her arms, leaning against the bar as she met Luka’s eyes. His practiced charm didn’t fool her. It had been years since she cut ties with him, and disappeared from his life without a word. Yet he would always… find his way back into her life. 

She couldn’t just act like she didn’t feel a sense of warmness about the days at the orphanage. She would mention Luka to Mizi and Till every now and then, the only two people that knew the whole story despite their young age. She did miss him, Hyun Woo, and herself, together. But not once has she ever missed him.

“Catch up?” she repeated, her voice biting. “You’ve got a funny way of doing that. You show up in a disguise, pretending like you have a place in my life?”

He strained up in his seat, taking a moment to adjust his sunglasses before pulling them off, revealing those sharp, calculating eyes that never quite met hers without the desperate need for attention. 

“Do I not?” Luka said, his tone shifting just a little. He was trying to lower his guard, but Hyuna wasn’t buying it. “I’ve been busy. You know how it is, the industry... but I thought about you every day. Thought maybe we could finally talk, you know?” His voice softened, but it still didn’t reach her.

Hyuna wanted to scream at him. She wanted to ask how he could just waltz back into her life and act like nothing had happened. How he could pretend to still care, after everything he’d put her through. But the words stuck in her throat. They felt too heavy, too dangerous. It was easier to shut it all out.

“You thought about me?” she said, her voice dangerously quiet. “Where was that thinking when you fucking let them take Hyun Woo, instead of you? Did you think spreading us would make me close to you, fucking idiot?”

Luka’s smile faltered for a split second, but he recovered quickly, his posture becoming more rigid. “I didn’t let them take him, Hyuna,” he said, his voice quiet now, almost too quiet. “I just didn’t want them to adopt me, so I could stay by your side-”

“Don’t,” Hyuna interrupted, her voice sharp, cutting through whatever attempt at an excuse he was trying to make. “Don’t bring that up. We both know what happened. I’ve moved on, Luka. And you... moved on too. So why don’t you do us both a favor and leave?”

Luka looked like he was about to protest, but before he could say anything, a voice from behind the bar interrupted. “Is everything alright back here?” Isaac’s voice was calm, but there was a tension in his eyes as he looked between them. Hyuna could tell he was ready to step in if anything went wrong, but Luka just waved him off with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Everything’s fine.” Luka said, his tone smooth again, almost too smooth. He turned his gaze back to Hyuna. “But I think we’re far from done, aren’t we?”

Hyuna’s fists clenched under the counter. The last thing she wanted was to relive the past, especially not now, when she was still dealing with the mess of  Till and Mizi. She could feel Luka’s gaze on her, like he was trying to force some kind of response, some kind of crack in her. But she wasn’t going to give him that.

“You’re not welcome in my life, Luka,” she said, her voice unwavering. “And we’re not going to talk. Not now, not ever.”

Luka’s eyes darkened for just a moment, but he quickly masked it with a smile. “Maybe not now, but I’ll be back, Hyuna. You’ll see.”

Hyuna didn’t respond. She didn’t have to. Her silence spoke louder than any words could. Luka stood up, his cool demeanor returning, and he turned toward the door. Just as he reached it, he glanced back at her one last time, that twisted smile still on his lips.

“I’ll see you later, Hyuna.” he said, before walking out of the bar, leaving a lingering chill in the air.

Isaac waited a beat before he stepped forward, his face full of concern. “Are you alright?” he asked quietly.

Hyuna let out a long breath, her body finally relaxing just a little. Her legs were shaking, she needed to sit down, and remind herself to breath-

“I’m fine, Isaac. Just... I didn’t think he’d show up here, of all places.” She ran a hand through her hair, trying to calm the storm inside her.

Isaac nodded, clearly understanding the weight of what Luka’s appearance meant for Hyuna. He glanced toward the door where Luka had just disappeared. “If he causes any more trouble, let me know. I… can’t kick him out, but I will stand by your side.”

Hyuna shook her head, her eyes still focused on the floor. “I don’t need your help with him, Isaac. He’s not the one I need help with.”

Isaac raised an eyebrow. “Then who?”

Hyuna didn’t answer. She just turned her back to the bar, focusing on the glasses in front of her. She wanted to move on, to forget Luka and everything he represented. But deep down, she knew the damage he had done couldn’t be so easily erased.

As she resumed cleaning, her thoughts returned to Till and Mizi. They were the ones who truly needed her right now, not Luka. She just hoped she could help them, before the distance between them turned into an irreversible gap.

Chapter 14: roots

Summary:

Till’s gaze dropped, his voice barely a whisper. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be around you.” He looked up, meeting her eyes for the first time, a flicker of pain in his own. “It’s because… I was scared of how I felt. I feel like… I am too dependent on you, Mizi. And the fact that you have Sua now’- It’s-” He couldn’t continue his sentence. It felt like his emotions were clogging his breath way, and if he tried speaking any longer, the tears he had been holding back would give in.

Her heart skipped a beat. She searched his face, feeling her own walls begin to crumble. “It's… what, Till? You’re my best friend, even with Sua in the picture. Nothing could ruin that, okay?” Her voice softened, barely above a whisper. “But I need you to trust me, too.”

“But it could.” He said, breath shaky. He closed his eyes, his voice barely above a whisper- only for Mizi to hear. “Because I love you the way you… love Sua.” 

The dining hall buzzed with its usual Friday night energy- laughter and the clinking of dishes filled the air, wrapping the room in a warm, familiar hum. Mizi took her usual seat near the middle of the long wooden table, surrounded by the younger kids. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, glancing up briefly as the other kids shuffled into their places, but her heart sank a bit when she realized Till wasn’t anywhere in sight.

She forced herself to focus on her food, listening to the chatter around her as she poked at her rice. It had been days since they last spoke. She’d half-expected him to reach out, but now, it seemed like he was intent on keeping his distance. Disappointment clenched in her chest, but she did her best to bury it. At least she had the weekend to clear her head and, maybe, stop worrying about things she could not make a change about. She also still needed to update Hyuna about the visitation from Luka… which was not something she was looking forward to.

Just as she took a small bite, she heard a familiar shuffle of footsteps and felt someone slide into the seat beside her. She didn’t have to look up to know who it was; she recognized that quiet presence, the way he seemed to carry a bit of aggressive silence with him wherever he went. She held her breath, suddenly nervous, and finally glanced over.

Till was staring at his plate, his fingers toying with a fork as he mumbled, “Mind if I sit here?”

Mizi blinked, taken aback, but she managed a small nod. “Um… sure. Of course.”

For a moment, neither of them spoke. The silence was heavy, awkward. She could feel the tension between them like a physical barrier, one that neither seemed ready to break. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, unsure of what to say. After all the rehearsed conversations in her mind, her words now felt tangled up and out of reach.

“So… how’s your week been?” Till’s voice was quiet, almost hesitant.

She swallowed, surprised by the question. “It’s… been alright. Busy with school, you know.” She glanced at him, but he was still looking at his plate. “I’ve been… I mean, I wanted to talk to you. I wasn’t sure if you’d want that, though.”

He let out a soft sigh, his shoulders sinking a bit. “I didn’t think… I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say.” He paused, his fingers tightening around the fork. ‘I am sorry for… being a burden to you.”

She took a slow breath, gathering her courage. “You- you are not a burden to me, Till.” She continued, studying his expression “I just didn’t understand why you were avoiding me. After everything… I thought we’d gotten closer. And then suddenly… it was like you didn’t want to be around me anymore.”

Till’s gaze dropped, his voice barely a whisper. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be around you.” He looked up, meeting her eyes for the first time, a flicker of pain in his own. “It’s because… I was scared of how I felt. I feel like… I am too dependent on you, Mizi. And the fact that you have Sua now- It’s-” He couldn’t continue his sentence. It felt like his emotions were clogging his breath way, and if he tried speaking any longer, the tears he had been holding back would give in. 

Her heart skipped a beat. She searched his face, feeling her own walls begin to crumble. “It's… what, Till? You’re my best friend, even with Sua in the picture. Nothing could ruin that, okay?” Her voice softened, barely above a whisper. “But I need you to trust me, too.”

“But it could.” He said, breath shaky. He closed his eyes, his voice barely above a whisper- only for Mizi to hear. “Because I love you the way you… love Sua.” Till’s voice trembled as he spoke, each word softer than the last, as though saying them too loud might break a glass. "I’ve been trying to bury it. I thought maybe... if I put some distance between us, it would help. But every time I tried... it just felt wrong."

Mizi’s breath hitched as she took in his words, her mind racing. She’d known there was something Till hadn’t been sharing, but this? She felt her pulse quicken, and she struggled to steady herself. She wanted to be there for him, to say the right thing, but his confession left her both touched and heartbroken for him.

Till glanced down, his cheeks flushed. “I didn’t want to make things harder for you... knowing that you’re in love with Sua. I tried to push my feelings down, to be a good friend, but every time I saw you two together...” He took a shaky breath, struggling to keep his emotions under control. “It hurt.”

Mizi could see the the raw emotion in his eyes, the one he’d been carrying around in silence. She swallowed hard, trying to find the right words, but nothing came to mind. She’d never thought of Till this way- he was her best friend, her safe place, the closest thing she had to a family. Yet, as he shared his heart with her, she saw a part of him she’d never seen before, and it left her shaken.

“I didn’t want you to know,” he murmured, “because I didn’t want to ruin what we have. You’ve always been so important to me, Mizi. And now, even though I know how you feel about Sua, I can’t just make these feelings disappear.”

She forced herself to meet his gaze, her heart aching for him. “Till...” She trailed off, unsure how to continue, her voice catching as she spoke. “I... I don’t know what to say. I didn’t realize you felt this way, and...”

His hand rested on the table, trembling as he fought to gather her thoughts. “You’ve been there for me through everything,” Till continued, voice barely above a whisper. “I know you don’t feel the same. You never will. But the idea that my future might not have you in it- it’s terrifying.” He gulped, forcing a low chuckle to make himself seem less pathetic than he was. "I just... I needed you to know. I didn’t want you to think I was avoiding you because I didn’t care. I just... didn’t know how else to handle it.”

Mizi felt her chest tighten at the weight of Till’s words, her pulse quickening as she absorbed his vulnerability. She searched his face, feeling a mix of empathy and sadness at the longing in his gaze. She wanted to say something, anything, to make him feel better, but her own emotions tangled around her, leaving her at a loss.

She gently placed her hand over his, noticing how his fingers trembled beneath hers. “Till… you’re not going to lose me,” she said softly, trying to convey the warmth she felt for him. “Even if I can’t… return your feelings the way you want, you’re still everything to me. You’re my closest friend, my family, the person I can always count on. That doesn’t change.”

Till’s eyes softened just a bit, and he gave her a faint nod, as if trying to find comfort in her words. “I- I was scared you’d pull away if you knew,” he murmured, voice still filled with fear of his confession. “I didn’t want to burden you with this, but… keeping it inside just started feeling impossible.”

Mizi offered a gentle smile, hoping he could feel her sincerity. “Till, this isn’t a burden,” she reassured him. “I want you to be real with me. I don’t want you to hide your feelings, or feel like you have to pretend around me. We’re too close for that, don’t you think?”

A flicker of relief passed over his face, and he let out a shaky breath, seeming to release some of the tension he’d been holding. “Thank you for saying that,” he replied, his tone soft but filled with gratitude. “I just... I needed you to know. I didn’t want you to think I was avoiding you because I didn’t care. And now- It helps, just hearing you to say this. That we’re too close and- nothing bad will happen between us, cause we’re too close for that.” He gave a sigh of relief, he felt like he had finally dropped the heaviness he had been carrying on his shoulders for a long time.

“Just promise me one thing,” Mizi said, slightly grabbing his hand tighter than she did before. “Don’t shut me out again, okay? No more hiding what’s on your mind.”

Till looked away for a moment, trying to get his composure back together, then he nodded. They sat in a comfortable quiet for a few moments, letting the intensity of the conversation settle. Mizi felt the shift between them, a tentative peace that, while bittersweet, felt somehow freeing.

His lips curved into a small after a while, a shy smile as he nodded. “I won’t,” he replied, his voice more confident this time. “I promise.”

Mizi looked down at their hands, and a faint smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “You know, I was so scared you…hated me for liking Sua. I… feel so relieved now, that I can still have you by my side- although I cannot return these feelings.”

He squeezed her hand gently. “I could never hate you, Mizi. You’re too important to me. I just hope that… I can get over you. And while doing so, it might be rough on our relationship. But at least you know why now, so…” He sighed. “Sua was right- you just want to be here for me, no matter the reason.”

Mizi’s heart skipped a beat at the mention of Sua, and she felt a surge of warmth spread across her chest. "Sua talked to you?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper, unsure of how to process the idea of Sua knowing about Till’s feelings.

Till nodded, his expression a little guilty. "Yeah, she noticed I was... off. I wasn’t really hiding it, I guess. She figured something was wrong, and she just asked me." He looked at her with a soft, almost apologetic smile.

Mizi felt a small laugh escape her lips at the thought of Sua being so perceptive, but it quickly turned into a sigh. She wasn’t sure how to feel about Sua’s involvement in this, or what it meant that Till had opened up to her about something so personal. She squeezed his hand tighter, trying to ground herself in the moment.

"I'm glad you two talked," Mizi said, her voice still a little shaky. "But, I don't want you to feel like you have to force yourself to move on right away, Till. It’s okay to take time. You don’t need to rush it just because you think you’re supposed to."

Till’s blush deepened, but he managed a small nod, as though finally accepting her words. They sat together, hands still touching, each finding a strange sense of peace, knowing that the unspoken feelings between them had finally been laid to rest.

Mizi gave Till’s hand a light squeeze again, trying to shake off the lingering tension in the air. The conversation had gone from heavy to a bit lighter, but it still felt like there was more to navigate.

"Okay, so... no more shutting each other out, right?" Mizi said with a small smile, attempting to steer the mood in a more playful direction.

Till nodded, looking a bit more at ease, the shy smile still lingering on his face. "Yeah, no more hiding. I promise." He paused for a moment, looking at her with a mix of sincerity and a hint of embarrassment. "You’re still my best friend, even when I’m a mess like this."

Mizi chuckled softly, her eyes crinkling with amusement. "Yeah, well, we can be a mess together then." She leaned back in her seat, finally feeling a little more relaxed. "That’s why we work, right?"

Till laughed quietly, shaking his head in mock disbelief. "I don’t know if 'work' is the right word. More like... we’re both hopeless."

She playfully rolled her eyes. "Hopeless, huh? Well, at least we’re hopeless together. You can mourn over me, and I will mourn over Sua." Her grin widened, trying to lighten things even further.

"That’s true," Till agreed, looking more like himself now, the seriousness fading from his features. "I guess... I guess I can live with that."

They shared a brief moment of quiet, and Mizi felt a gentle warmth settle between them. The awkwardness had faded, replaced by the comforting way their friendship had always worked through-  the familiarity that made it feel like they were a family.

"Seriously, though," Mizi said after a moment, her tone lighter. "We’ll figure this out. No need to turn everything into some big emotional ordeal."

Till raised an eyebrow. "You’re right. No more dramatic speeches. I’ll leave those to you."

Mizi laughed, shaking her head. "Excuse me? You’re the one who made a dramatic confession ."

He groaned playfully, rubbing his face. "Okay, okay- Maybe I did get a little carried away. But you know, it was really hard to say. You can’t blame me for overthinking it."

Mizi grinned. "It’s fine, really. But next time, just tell me you’re feeling weird and we’ll skip the whole ‘emotional breakdown’ thing."

"Deal," Till said, his smile widening. He looked at her, his expression soft. "Thanks, Mizi. I really needed to hear that."

"No problem," she replied, her tone light. "You’ll be okay. And so will I."

Till leaned back in his chair, a more comfortable silence settling between them as they finished their meal. The world outside felt a little brighter, a little easier, as they sat there together, surrounded by the noise of the other kids in the orphanage. It was like everything had just clicked back into place, the way it always did when they were around each other.

-

Hyuna is back in the dimly lit halls of the orphanage, where the air is thick with the familiar, musty warmth of late nights spent whispering stories and stolen laughter. Her younger brother stands beside her, clutching her hand with that strong grip of his. She squeezes it back, feeling the delicate bones under his thin skin, and there’s a part of her that wants to draw him closer, find shelter in him like.

She glances up and sees Luka down the hall, a soft grin tugging at his lips as he whispers something to one of the little ones, who looks up at him with wide, admiring eyes. Hyuna watches, feeling that flicker of something safe, like a small warmth spreading in the cold. Luka meets her gaze and gives a real, sincere smile, and for a second, it feels like things will always be like this- her, her brother, Luka, caught in the shelter of their shared world.

The three of them slip outside together, Luka pulling her and her brother along in a playful jog across the cracked pavement behind the orphanage. The night air is cool, filled with the scent of dew and faint sounds of traffic from a world they don’t belong to. Her brother’s laugh rings out, clear and sweet, and Luka ruffles his hair, a rare softness. Something that is not an act to impress others, but something he felt. 

They sit on the edge of the old stone steps, knees tucked up, arms brushing. Luka’s gaze is distant, and he talks about things she doesn't quite understand- about "being seen," about how he doesn’t want to get adopted if it meant not being by her side. But one day, he’ll have a family, too. A family, with Hyuna, Hyun woo and him. The thought of it is strange, like an alien. She doesn’t want to think about any of them being apart in the future, so she finds it comforting- Though deep down, she knows she would want to feel that parental love again.

Her brother speaks up, his voice small but steady, saying something about what kind of family he’d want, and it makes Hyuna’s heart squeeze. Luka smiles at him, encouraging, saying he’d be the best son, or a brother, or a father anyone could ask for, and Hyuna feels herself nodding along, a warm swell of pride she can’t quite put into words. It’s a perfect moment, suspended in that quiet night air.

But then, as they sit in silence, she feels something unspoken settle over them, a tension she doesn’t yet understand. Luka’s gaze grows somber, his hand resting protectively on her brother’s shoulder. She feels her brother’s fingers slip slightly from hers, and she tightens her grip, refusing to let go.

As the moment stretches, a strange chill begins to seep into the air. She turns to Luka, but he’s looking away, his face unreadable, a shadow flickering in his eyes. Her brother’s fingers slip further from hers, no matter how tightly she tries to hold on. Her heart pounds, and a sense of loss fills her chest, heavy and aching, though she can’t understand why.

The laughter, the warmth- it all feels distant now, blurred around the edges. She blinks, reaching for her brother’s hand, but when she looks down, there’s only her empty palm. The cold stone steps beneath her grow sharper, and Hyun Woo’s figure starts to fade, a ghostly remnant of the boy she knew, as if he were already half-gone, his laughter a mere echo.

And then, just like that, the orphanage hallway melts away, and she’s left in the silence of her room, heart pounding, fingers curling into her palm, grasping at emptiness, her eyes fluttering open.

The dim light from her small window filters in, casting faint shadows across her room. She lays there, staring at the ceiling, feeling the remnants of the dream slip away like sand through her fingers. Her hand is still curled tightly, as if her brother’s small hand had really been there, and she slowly unfurls it, feeling the coolness of her empty palm.

The familiar loneliness settles back in, that hollow space where her brother’s laughter used to be, where Luka’s voice once filled the silence. She brings her hand to her chest, pressing it against her heart, as if she can ease the ache, grounding herself in the present, reminding herself of where she is- far from the orphanage, far from that night. And yet, the loss feels fresh, as raw as it did years ago.

Sitting up, she pulls her knees close, resting her forehead against them, taking slow, steady breaths. She knows the orphanage is just a memory now, that Luka is a distant figure who only appears in the most unexpected corners of her life. But her brother, his absence weighs on her differently, the what-ifs crowding her mind, leaving her with a hollow feeling of something missing, a part of her that she never quite got back.

She glances at her phone, on the nightstand beside her bed- 05:13 still early, but the thought of lying back down feels impossible. Sleep would only bring her back there, back to those dark halls, back to the familiar faces she left behind.

After a long moment, she rises, padding quietly through her apartment, feeling the chill of the floor under her feet. The world outside is still dark, the city lights casting faint glows across the streets. She leans against the window, her forehead resting against the cool glass, grounding herself in the sight of the waking world outside, in the present.

Hyuna eventually pulls her phone from the nightstand, her fingers moving automatically, eyes still adjusting to the soft glow of the screen in the dim room. Her notifications sit quietly, mostly unimportant, until she spots a text from Mizi in their group chat with Till, sent late last night.

She opens the message, blinking in mild surprise as a picture fills her screen. It’s a selfie of Mizi and Till, both of them with tired eyes but unmistakable smiles, Mizi leaning into Till’s shoulder with her tongue out, and Till-with his usual frown-grinning faintly, making bunny ears behind Mizi with his finger. They look comfortable, at peace in that small, unassuming way they sometimes had, and the caption from Mizi reads, “made up with this idiot :) guess it was overdue.”

A wave of warmth mixes with the fading ache in her chest, and she can’t help the small smile that creeps onto her face. She swipes through the few other photos Mizi had shared- a goofy face from Mizi, the two of them raising their glasses filled with warm milk to a mock toast, and finally, a quiet shot of them side by side, Mizi doing half a heart with her hand as Till is raising the middle finger towards the camera.

Hyuna feels a gentle tug of relief in her chest as she chuckles. Mizi and Till had been.. Off around each other for a while, the tension lingering like fog, but it seems, at least for now, that some weight has lifted between them. She types a quick reply, fingers hovering over the keyboard as she thinks about what to say.

 

fatherless behaviour explained

 

Good. You both needed this. 💙 So happy to see you two smiling again.

05:17

 

She hesitates, staring at her own message for a moment, before adding:

 

Maybe we can all hang out sometime soon? Miss you both.

05:17

 

After pressing send, she places her phone back on the nightstand and returns her gaze to the window, the night sky slowly lightening as the city stirs to life. Mizi and Till’s laughter seems to echo softly in her memory, their carefree expressions lingering like ghosts in her mind.

In their own way, they’re rebuilding what they can, finding joy where they are. And though her heart still aches for what she's lost, Hyuna feels a sense of hope stirring in the early dawn light- a quiet assurance that she’s not as alone as she sometimes feels.

Chapter 15: plain sight

Summary:

Pulling out her uniform, she changed in quick, almost mechanical motions. The soft fabric of her blouse felt too tight, too formal. It was hard to even picture herself as the version of Sua who fit neatly into this life- this perfect, polished version her parents expected her to be. The Sua that wasn’t so sensitive. The Sua that didn’t cry when people complimented her, saying they were envious of her. She felt sad for them, about how her voice made them doubt their own capabilities…

She had always been this way. Sensitive, fragile. Sua was described as a cold person by her peers, and mature by the adults that surrounded her. But she was still just a child, despite her age- just trying to control her feelings, taking deep breaths, counting backwards from 100, 7 by 7…

That’s just how she had always been, and no one seemed to understand her nature.

The alarm went off, pulling Sua from the haze of restless sleep she had drifted into only a few hours earlier. Her mind still felt foggy, but the morning’s routine was enough to push the confusion aside, for now. The soft hum of the city outside her window, the clink of kitchenware from the other rooms, it was all familiar. 

She stood in front of her mirror, brushing her hair with mechanical precision, eyes unfocused as she tried to shake off her thoughts. Mizi’s face flickered in her mind like an image caught in the corner of her vision, abstract yet constant. She couldn’t escape it, no matter how much she tried to focus on her reflection. That smile of Mizi’s, her laughter, how it made everything feel a little lighter- it was the only thing that had given her any sense of peace in the past few months. But peace and the disorder in her heart couldn’t coexist for long.

When she finally emerged from her room, the house was alive with quiet energy. Her mother’s soft voice could be heard as she talked about the upcoming exhibition she was working on, and the sharp, crisp sound of her father’s piano keys echoed from the living room. Their world, though not overflowing with wealth, was filled with refinement, a constant undercurrent of culture and class that Sua had grown used to, and faith. Something her parents cared a lot about. But no matter how much she tried to fit into this world, a quiet worry in her mind always remained- especially now, with everything she was feeling for Mizi.

As she made her way to the kitchen, her mother glanced up from the newspaper. “You’re up early,” she said with a smile, her eyes scanning the quiet but polished scene before her. The words were warm, but there was something else in her gaze, something like expectation, as if Sua’s every action were a reflection of the image they tried so hard to maintain.

Sua managed a small smile in return, though her thoughts were elsewhere, the weight of the morning settling on her shoulders. "Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep," she mumbled, reaching for the cup of tea her mother had just prepared for her.

Her mother didn’t let the moment pass. She closed her exhibition folder carefully and placed it down on the counter, fixing Sua with a thoughtful look. "You spent a lot of time at Ivan’s last Tuesday, didn’t you?" she asked, her voice casual but with a slight edge of curiosity. "Is there something going on between you two?"

Sua froze. Her hand paused just above her cup, her heart skipping a beat as she tried to keep her face neutral. She hadn’t expected her mother to bring it up so directly.

"We’re just friends," Sua replied quickly, trying to sound casual, though her voice betrayed the tension she was feeling.

Her mother’s gaze didn’t waver. "I see," she said slowly, but her tone was not convinced. "You know, it’s fine if it’s more than that, Sua." Her mother’s smile was gentle, but there was a hidden expectation behind it, a reminder that her parents always had their own expectations from, whether spoken or unspoken. "You’re growing up, and you deserve to have someone who understands you."

Sua could feel her chest tighten. She had never felt more uncertain, the pressure of her own feelings mixing with her mother’s probing gaze. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to meet her mother’s eyes. "I don’t know what you mean," she said quietly, her words slipping out more softly than she intended.

Her mother gave a small sigh, a trace of something like concern in her eyes. "Just be honest with yourself, Sua. And with others. Don’t hide what you feel." She reached across the counter, brushing a strand of hair from Sua’s face in a gesture that was both motherly and soft.

Sua nodded absently, her thoughts racing. She felt like she was standing at the edge of something she wasn’t ready to face- something far more complicated than she could explain. Her mother, however, didn’t seem to sense the unease brewing beneath her daughter’s calm exterior.

"All right," Sua said finally, forcing a smile as she took her cup of tea and walked toward the door. "I’ll think about it."

Her mother smiled, but Sua could feel her gaze lingering on her back, as though there were more she wanted to say- more she was expecting. She wasn’t sure if she could give it to her.

The sound of her father’s piano filled the house as Sua made her way back upstairs, the quiet, steady notes offering no comfort. She shut the door to her room behind her, the soft click of the latch echoing in the silence.

Her fingers lingered on the handle for a moment, as if they could somehow still her racing thoughts. The conversation with her mother replayed in her mind, each word like a pebble dropped into a pond, sending ripples that refused to settle. You deserve to be happy, her mother’s voice echoed, but how could she be happy when everything felt so tangled? Her feelings for Mizi were one thing- something complicated- but now her mother’s words had stirred up new doubts. Was she really being honest with herself? Her faith? What even was her identity without her beliefs? 

She dragged herself toward her wardrobe, still lost in thought. It was as though the world was pushing her in one direction while her heart tugged her somewhere else entirely. There was no easy way to navigate the gap between what she felt and what was expected of her- the expectations of her family, the expectation of God…

Pulling out her uniform, she changed in quick, almost mechanical motions. The soft fabric of her blouse felt too tight, too formal. It was hard to even picture herself as the version of Sua who fit neatly into this life- this perfect, polished version her parents expected her to be. The Sua that wasn’t so sensitive. The Sua that didn’t cry when people complimented her, saying they were envious of her. She felt sad for them, about how her voice made them doubt their own capabilities…

She had always been this way. Sensitive, fragile. Sua was described as a cold person by her peers, and mature by the adults that surrounded her. But she was still just a child, despite her age- just trying to control her feelings, taking deep breaths, counting backwards from 100, 7 by 7… 

That’s just how she had always been, and no one seemed to understand her nature.

Once dressed, she glanced at the mirror, running a hand through her hair. Her reflection seemed distant, disconnected. What do you really want? she asked herself, but the answer was elusive. All she knew for certain was that the weight of her feelings for Mizi had become too heavy to carry alone. The quiet ache in her chest had grown since the night before, and no matter how many times she tried to push it aside, it always resurfaced.

She adjusted the hem of her skirt, smoothing down the wrinkles before grabbing her bag. With one last look around the room, she made her way downstairs, every step feeling like a force field she had to force herself to move past. Her mother was back at the table, reading through her exhibition notes, her father’s piano music still faintly playing in the background.

As Sua reached for the door handle, her mother’s voice called after her. “Goodluck with your practice, sweetie!”

Sua paused, her hand still on the door. Her heart beat faster, her mothers voice settling heavy in her stomach. She nodded silently, not trusting herself to speak. She didn’t know how to explain it, but she felt… nauseous. The expectations she had to meet, the people she had to win over to meet these expectation, the feelings of others that would be hurt when she would win-

There was no way of winning in this life that she couldn’t abandon.

With a soft sigh, she opened the apartment door, walking towards the elevator. Once she reached the bottom floor and stepped outside, the cool morning air washed over her. I should’ve worn a scarf… She thought.

Sua pulled her coat a little tighter around herself as she walked, shivering slightly at the morning chill. The crisp air filled her lungs, sharp and biting, but it did little to clear her muddled thoughts. Her steps felt slower than usual, each one heavy with the weight of everything she didn’t know how to say, didn’t know how to feel. The city around her buzzed with the energy of morning commuters, the distant hum of conversations and footsteps blending together, but it all seemed to wash over her in a muted haze.

She took her usual bus to the school, watching the scenes move in a blur. When she arrived at school, the courtyard was already filled with groups of students chatting and laughing, their voices weaving together into a familiar symphony of routine. She tried to focus on the comforting predictability of it, the way the school always looked the same. But her heart felt offbeat, a strange tempo that didn’t quite fit.

She spotted Ivan leaning against the wall near the gate, scrolling through his phone. He glanced up as she approached, slipping his phone into his pocket and offering her a small, warm smile. “Morning, Sua.”

“Morning,” she replied softly. She wanted to seem okay, but the words felt thin, hollow even as they left her lips.

He raised an eyebrow, studying her with a quiet concern. “You alright?” His voice was gentle, as if he sensed the fragility just beneath her surface.

Sua hesitated, then shrugged. “Just didn’t sleep well,” she murmured. She appreciated his concern, to an extent, at least. But she wasn’t sure she could explain the tangled mess inside her with words, especially not here, surrounded by the bustle of school life.

They walked into the building together, Ivan keeping a respectful silence beside her. Sua felt a strange safety around Ivan, he didn’t press her for answers, didn’t push her to explain what she herself barely understood. She was grateful for that- grateful to have someone who could just be there, without needing anything in return. Someone who she didn’t have the need to control her emotions- he was a weird one, though she couldn’t relate to him even if she tried to. 

As they walked down the hall toward their shoe lockers, Sua’s gaze drifted, almost unconsciously, back towards the front yard of the school. Mizi walked through the entrance, in between the two metal doors that were unlocked by the school guard. There she was, laughing with Till, her expression open and bright, her laugh carrying through the crowd. Sua felt a strange ache at the sight, a mixture of happiness for Mizi and something deeper, something that was uncertain. 

Ivan noticed her gaze, glancing toward Mizi and Till. “Looks like they’re back to normal,” he remarked with a gentle smile, though there was a sourness behind his words that Sua didn't notice at that moment. “Guess whatever was going on between them worked itself out.”

Sua nodded absently, unable to tear her eyes away from Mizi. The ease in Mizi’s expression, the way her eyebrows lifted when she laughed, the way her eyes narrowed- it was a sight that awakened the emotions swirling through her. Relief, envy, something else she couldn’t put a name to. She wanted to be happy for Mizi, to be content just seeing her smile, but instead, the sight left her feeling more confused than ever.

“Are you going to go over and say hi?” Ivan’s question was in a non-pressuring manner, as he could sense her hesitation.

Sua bit her lip, glancing away. Part of her wanted to be close to Mizi, to feel the warmth of her presence, but another part felt that familiar wall rise within her, the reminder of all the things she couldn’t say, couldn’t express.

“I… I think I’ll just head to class,” she said finally, her voice low.

Ivan nodded, his expression understanding, and they walked to their respective classrooms in silence. But even as Sua settled into her seat, flipping open her notebook, her mind drifted back to Mizi, to that smile that seemed to haunt her thoughts.

She wondered, not for the first time, what it would be like to reach out, to close the distance between them. Between their hands. Between their lips. To say the things that had been sitting, unspoken, in her heart for so long. But that thought remained just out of reach, dangling on the edge of her mind, a fragile hope she wasn’t yet ready to face.

As the teacher started the lesson, Sua forced herself to focus, to push the thoughts aside for now. But she knew, deep down, that Mizi’s laughter, her presence, would linger with her long after the school day ended. 

-

The music practice room was quiet and well lit, despite the closed weather of the beginning of december. It was filled with instruments that were neatly arranged along the walls: a grand piano in one corner, an assortment of guitars, and a drum kit waiting to be played. Till pushed open the door, and Ivan slipped in behind him, both of them letting out a small sigh of relief at the solitude the room offered. They dropped their bags and lunches on a nearby table, away from the instruments, as Till pulled out his notebook, flipping to the song ideas they’d last discussed.

Ivan settled down on the bench in front of the piano, testing a few soft notes as he watched Till thoughtfully. “This is better than the rooftop sometimes,” he commented, his fingers playing a few random chords. “Feels like we can actually think in here.”

“Yeah,” Till agreed, pulling up a chair beside Ivan and tapping his pen against the notebook. “We needed somewhere quiet to work this through.” He paused, scanning the notes they’d written earlier. “For the song… you mentioned a bridge, right? But I was thinking we could layer it with something ambient, like synth or maybe a soft vocal harmony. Something that builds but doesn’t overpower.”

Ivan nodded, following Till’s thoughts as he played a soft chord progression on the piano. “Something gentle,” he agreed. “To keep it intimate, y’know?”

Till’s expression lightened up at the idea, and he gave a small nod, though his gaze seemed to drift for a moment. After a pause, Ivan spoke up again, voice careful and curious, almost hesitant. “So… you and Mizi. I take that things are back to normal?”

Till let out a quiet sigh, then a low chuckle as his fingers were tracing the edge of his notebook. “Yeah… we talked things out.” He spoke, his voice lowering with every word that he uttered. “I told her… how I felt. Just put it all out there.”

Ivan’s stomach twisted slightly at the words, but he kept his expression neutral, nodding as he continued to play a gentle tune on the piano. “That’s… brave of you,” he said, trying to hide the emotions twirling in his stomach not show. “Putting yourself out there like that.”

“Didn’t feel brave,” Till replied with another small, humorless laugh. “I mean, I knew she didn’t feel the same way, but hearing it…” He trailed off, shaking his head, a small, rueful smile on his lips. “Guess it was bound to happen, so that I can still have her by myself.”

Ivan’s heart ached at Till’s tone, and he struggled to find the right words, something to offer comfort. “I’m sorry, Till.” He managed to speak, though he didn’t want to. He needed to speak, say something, continue speaking- 

Till needed him to speak. He needed someone to comfort the parts of him Mizi couldn’t. Love the parts of him that he himself was so afraid to show others but Mizi. Someone to love those parts, flawed and raw, unfiltered. Ivan knew that Till needed those parts of him loved the same way he did- but he couldn’t show. Not yet.

“But… I think it’s good that you were honest. That takes a lot.” Ivan kept his gaze on the piano keys, playing a soft melody to fill the silence.

Till glanced at him, his expression calming up a little. “Thanks, Ivan. I think I needed to hear that.” He sighed, looking down at his hands. “Maybe now I can start letting it go, you know? Stop hoping for something that… isn’t there.”

Ivan felt his chest tighten. The idea of Till “letting go” was a bittersweet thought. Part of him felt a strange sense of relief, but another part couldn’t ignore the ache that came with it. He had only just started to understand his own feelings, the quiet fondness that had been growing for Till since they’d reconnected. The feeling that kept him going since the day he saw that little boy, cheering up a dead flower. But seeing Till like this, vulnerable and open, something he had always been afraid to show- brought that fondness sharply into focus.

Till was changing, slowly. And Ivan was scared of what that would bring. He was scared of the deep feelings he had for Till, and for how much longer he could bear them.

“Yeah,” Ivan said, his voice soft and a bit unsteady, masking the emotions that threatened to surface. “Maybe… maybe it’s the start of something better. You deserve that.”

Till managed a faint smile, less pathetic this time- as if he actually felt it. His gaze was slightly  lingering on Ivan. Not his face, now his eyes. It was on the fingers that were still hovering over the piano, the cuffed sleeves of his uniform, the way the bone of his wrist was peeking out. “Thanks. I don’t really say this often, but… I’m glad we started hanging out. I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to talk to.”

Ivan’s pulse quickened, but he returned Till’s smile with a small, genuine one of his own. “Me too, Till.” The words held more meanings than he let on, and he hoped Till wouldn’t pick up on the quiet intensity behind them.

They fell into a comfortable silence, and Till glanced down at the notebook, flipping back to their song notes. “So… back to this song,” he murmured, his tone lighter as he seemed to try and focus on the work ahead.

Ivan nodded, clearing his throat as he focused on the music once more. “Right. Let’s see what we can make happen.”

Chapter 16: fragile truth

Summary:

“Don’t swear at me like that!” Mizi replied, a bit louder, causing Ivan and Sua to realize they are actually talking about something.

Ivan glanced between them, his brows furrowed in confusion. “Is something going on?”

Sua leaned forward, her eyes narrowing with concern. “Why are you two acting so weird?”

Ignoring them, Mizi glared at Till, her voice gaining an edge. “You know what, maybe I should just go ahead and say it since you’re too fucking scared to.”

Till's expression became rather furious, his voice turning sharp. “Oh, talk about fucking swearing! I’m not scared, Mizi. I just don’t see why everyone has to know our business!”

December had begun, each day marked by reminders of the upcoming Christmas fundraiser. It had been around a week since her and Till had finally talked, sorting things out. She was okay with giving Till more space now- partially because she knew the reason, and partially because Till and Ivan forming a rather unexpected duo and Till dragging him with him meant she could now spend more alone time with Sua.

Mizi glanced at the festive posters hanging by the lockers, the bulletin boards, the walls- it was everywhere. Everyone was busy worrying about their parents joining the fundraiser. Interacting with each other, and with teachers… But Mizi’s mind was already on something else- Sua’s performance. They’d talked about it briefly a couple of times before, Sua mentioning that she would be one of the main performers of the night. Mizi had seen the way Sua’s eyes had brightened, a rare glimmer of excitement she didn’t often let show.

Now, as Mizi walked through the school with a soft feeling of excitement herself, she found her thoughts drifting back to their conversations. It was usually a casual remark on Sua’s part, and she had asked about her parents, but Mizi couldn’t stop herself from imagining what it would be like to see her on stage, singing in front of everyone.

Later that afternoon, Mizi found herself lingering near the music practice rooms. She knew Sua would be there, preparing for the performance, and she wanted to offer her support, maybe even catch a sneak peek of her rehearsing. Peeking around the corner, she spotted Sua by one of the practice room doors, adjusting some sheet music with a focused look on her face.

Seeing Mizi, Sua raised an eyebrow with a faint smile. “Stalking me, are you?” she teased lightly, her voice carrying a warmth that made Mizi’s cheeks heat up.

“Just happened to be in the area,” Mizi said, grinning back. She shifted her bag on her shoulder, trying to play it casual. “Mind if I listen in?”

Sua shrugged, gesturing for her to come closer. “It’s not like it’s some big secret,” she said, her voice calm but with a hint of shyness as she adjusted the mic stand.

Mizi settled herself on a nearby bench, her hands clasped as she watched Sua prepare. The room was quiet, the usual school noises fading as Sua took a deep breath, focusing on the sheet music in front of her. Then, with an effortless grace, Sua began to sing. 

“There aren’t any words I could say anymore,”

Her voice filled the room in a way that seemed to make it expand, the notes carrying a gentle strength that resonated in Mizi’s chest. 

“It has no meaning,

Even that night, so blue with splendid night”

Mizi was mesmerized, her gaze fixed on Sua, watching the way her expression softened as she let herself sink into the music.

“Even this white dress of mine is dyed red”

Sua smiled a little, her gaze slightly turned to Mizi now. 

“And the morning, it does not seem like it’s coming’

It’s all like a lie”

Mizi looked into her eyes, lightly placing her hair on her own chest- as if to control her breath. To make sure her heart wasn’t about to explode out of her chest.

“Now if only all this were just a dream”

There was a pause as Sua stopped singing, a slight blush in her cheeks. She knew the next verse, “You hug me tight as if what happened was nothing”-  But she could not sing it in front of Mizi. Not without losing her composure or crying, yearning to be comforted by her.

“This… is enough for now.” Sua said, letting out a nervous chuckle.

Mizi couldn’t help the wide smile spreading across her face. “You’re amazing,” she breathed, her eyes shining with genuine admiration. “I mean, I knew you could sing, but… hearing you like this?”

Sua’s lips curved into a small, modest smile, and her eyes held a glimmer of pride. “Thanks,” she murmured. “I’ve been practicing a lot. I want it to be… good.” She hesitated, then glanced back at Mizi. “Especially since you’re going to be there. And hopefully your parents- So they can see I am a good influence on you.”

Mizi felt her heart skip, her grin widening. 

She ignored the part Sua had mentioned about her parents- Mizi knew how important the idea of family was to Sua. She often talked about the careers of her parents- both heavily involved in the artistic world. A pianist and a museum manager, it was hard to meet, yet exceed their expectations. Having to explain the fact that she was an orphaned child would be… a big stab to the knife for someone as sensitive as Sua. 

Plus, it would reveal Till’s situation too- and he definitely did not want that.

“Of course I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

They stayed in that quiet space for a few more heartbeats, neither of them in any rush to break the delicate moment. The room felt warmer, almost alive, as if filled with the lingering echoes of Sua’s voice. Mizi wanted to capture this feeling somehow, to hold onto it like a favorite song she could play over and over.

The moment filled her heart with hope- something she knew she shouldn’t grow, as it would only hurt her if what she’d hoped for wouldn't come true. 

But… Sua was right next to her. So easy to reach. Warm and kind, as sensitive as the delicate neck of a swan. 

Sua looked down at her sheet music, her fingers tracing the edge of the paper. “I don’t usually let anyone listen while I’m practicing,” she admitted softly. “It’s… personal, I guess.”

Mizi nodded, feeling honored by the quiet confession. “I’m glad you let me,” she said, her voice just as soft. “I mean it, Sua. I haven’t heard anyone sing like that… with so much heart.”

Sua’s gaze met hers, a shy smile playing on her lips. “Sometimes I think music is the only way I can really say what I feel. Even if I don’t know how to say it out loud.”

Mizi swallowed, feeling the words resonate within her. She wanted to tell Sua that she understood, that she felt the same way whenever she looked at her. But instead, she took a small, steadying breath and held onto the closeness they shared now. “Then I think I’m lucky to hear it.”

Sua’s eyes softened, and for a moment, Mizi thought she saw something like her own in her gaze, something fragile, something that just wished to be loved all over. It was as if Sua was letting her see a piece of herself that she kept hidden from the rest of the world.

“Thank you, Mizi,” Sua said, her voice barely above a whisper. She hesitated, then reached out and gently touched Mizi’s hand, just for a second. The touch was delicate, though her fingertips were cold, and Mizi felt her heart skip a beat.

Mizi’s cheeks flushed, but she didn’t pull away. Instead, she smiled, feeling the warmth of that small, shared touch. “Anytime,” she replied, her voice equally soft. “I’ll always be here to listen. You don’t have to keep it all to yourself.”

Sua seemed to study her for a moment, as if weighing her words, then gave a small, almost wistful smile. “Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself,” she murmured.

Mizi felt her heart swell, a shy but hopeful smile spreading across her face. “Maybe I do.”

-

Mizi hadn’t expected to run into Till that afternoon. It was Thursday, and she knew he usually spent his time after school with Ivan, working on the song they were producing together. But here he was, sitting in the common room of the orphanage, a soft, soothing melody flowing from the guitar as a few of the younger kids gathered around him, their eyes wide with fascination.

She leaned against the doorframe, watching him for a moment, letting herself soak in the calm scene. The sight of him there, relaxed and at ease… it was nostalgic. It had been a while since she’d seen him in a place where he could just be himself.

One of the younger kids tugged on Till’s sleeve, her eyes bright with curiosity. “Can you play the song about the stars again, Till?” she asked, her voice filled with excitement and awe.

Till nodded, a soft smile spreading across his face as he launched into the familiar tune. His fingers moved gracefully over the strings, and the quiet, lilting notes filled the room. The other children leaned closer, mesmerized.

Mizi couldn’t help but smile, feeling her heart lighten at the sight. She took a quiet step into the room, settling onto the sofa nearby, unnoticed by the others. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to interrupt, but when Till’s gaze flickered up and met hers, he gave her a small, almost surprised smile.

Once the song ended, Till set the guitar down, gently patting the head of one of the younger boys who looked close to dozing off. “Okay, brats,” he said softly. “Time to give the guitar a little break, yeah?”

The kids murmured their goodbyes to the guitar and scattered around the room, leaving no obstacles between Mizi and Till.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” she said, her voice soft as she watched him.

“Yeah, I… wanted a change of pace,” he replied, scratching the back of his neck with a slight blush. “Besides, these kids know how to be a good audience.” He chuckled, nodding toward the guitar. “Unlike Ivan, who keeps nagging me about tempo and tone.”

Mizi laughed, leaning back into the couch. “Well, I guess we’re lucky to have you today. It’s been a while since you played in front of people like this, hasn’t it?”

Till nodded, looking thoughtful. “Yeah, it has.”

They settled into a silence for a bit, neither one feeling the need to fill the silence. Studied Mizi’s face, noticing the way her gaze drifted from him, lingering on the walls of the common room, then down to her hands. He furrowed his eyebrows, a gentle curiosity forming as he caught her eye.

“What’s going on, Mizi?” he asked, tilting his head to meet her gaze. He had a rather aggressive way of speaking, but Mizi knew this only because he was worried. “You look like you’ve got something on your mind.”

Mizi blinked, her fingers fidgeting with the hair tie on her wrist. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, struggling to find the right words. How was she supposed to bring up something like this, without opening up deep wounds for Till?

“It’s nothing, really,” she started, then immediately let out a soft sigh, her gaze falling back to her hands. “Actually… maybe it’s something.”

Till shifted closer, resting his elbow on his knee, his expression a little aggressive, yet encouraging. “You can talk to me, even if it’s ‘something.’”

Mizi let herself breathe, feeling the steady warmth of his presence. “I don’t know. It’s just… lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about things I usually don’t want to think about.” She paused, glancing up at him, searching his face for a sign of understanding.

Till’s expression softened, a quiet patience in his eyes. “Like what?”

“Like… the fact that this place is our whole world,” she murmured, gesturing around the room, referring to the orphanage. “It’s home, and… you know how you learned a lot about Ivan’s life by just going to his place?”

He nodded slowly, his gaze thoughtful, as though he was piecing together her words. “Uhm, yeah…” he replied, his voice coming off a little weak.

“Yeah,” Mizi repeated, her voice soft. She hesitated before continuing to speak, choosing her words carefully. “I’ve been thinking about telling Sua… about us. About the orphanage, I mean.”

Till’s expression shifted, a flicker of discomfort tightening his jaw. He looked away, his fingers gripping the edge of the guitar a little harder than before, as if bracing himself. His voice, when he finally spoke, was a shade colder, more guarded.

“Mizi… are you sure about this?” he asked, a hint of frustration lacing his tone. “I mean, we’ve kept this part of us private for a reason. You don’t know how she’ll react, and once it’s out, you can’t take it back.”

Mizi felt her heart sink slightly at the tension in his words, but she forced herself to hold his gaze, to stand firm. “I know it’s risky, Till,” she replied, her tone gentle but steady. “But I trust her, and I want to be honest with her. This place is part of who I am—who we are.”

He shook his head, his brows furrowing as he tried to process her words. “But what if she doesn’t get it? What if she starts looking at you differently? It’s… not just about you, Mizi,” he muttered, his voice quiet but intense. “It’s about us. It means one day I would have to explain to them about myself-”

He didn't finish his sentence, and a small silence stretched between them, thick with Till’s unspoken fears. Mizi took a slow breath, trying to ease the tension that seemed to hang over him.

“I understand,” she said softly. “I don’t want to lose this… or make things harder for you. But I think I have to try. I want her to see all of me, even the parts that aren’t easy to talk about.”

Till’s eyes narrowed slightly, the frustration in his gaze mingling with something more vulnerable, a deep-seated fear. He seemed to wrestle with himself for a moment before he spoke, his voice dropping to a murmur.

“If you’re going to tell her, just… be ready for it to go wrong, Mizi,” he said, his voice low and tense. “People don’t always react how you want them to. Sometimes they don’t understand, or worse… they pity you.” He clenched his jaw, as if the thought alone stung.

Mizi’s gaze softened, and she reached out, placing a hand gently over his on the guitar. “I get it, Till. I really do. I know there’s a risk, but… I don’t want to keep hiding who I am from the people I care about.” Her thumb moved lightly over his knuckles, an attempt to reassure him, to ground him. “And Sua’s different, I promise. She’s not… she won’t treat us any differently.”

Till’s fingers relaxed a little under hers, but his expression stayed guarded. “You always think the best of people,” he muttered, glancing away. “I just… I don’t want you to get hurt if it doesn’t go that way.”

She gave him a small smile, squeezing his hand. “That’s why I have you, right? To look out for me if it does.” Her voice was light, playful, but there was an honesty in her gaze that reassured him.

Till’s expression softened a bit, the tension in his shoulders easing just slightly. “Fine,” he said finally, exhaling. “If this is something you need to do, I won’t stop you. But… just be careful. Don’t… don’t let her change the way you see yourself. And do not make her make any comments on my behaviour. Promise me.”

Mizi’s smile grew, and she nodded, holding his gaze, ignoring the last part as he would’ve hated for her to continue bringing that up.. “I promise, Till. No matter what happens, I’m still me. And I’m still here. We’re still here.”

He gave her a reluctant, almost grudging nod, a mixture of pride and protectiveness in his eyes. “Good,” he murmured, glancing down as he shifted the guitar in his lap. “Because I don’t think I could handle…” He took a deep breath, mumbling something Mizi didn’t really hear. “...not over this.”

_

The rooftop air held an edge of winter chill, and Mizi could feel the tension in Till's posture beside her as they sat with Ivan and Sua. The conversation was easygoing at first, filled with laughter and the casual back-and-forth they’d all become used to.

But Mizi couldn't shake the urge to bring up what had been on her mind. She nudged Till with her elbow, lowering her voice but just enough for the others to hear. "Till, you remember that thing we talked about.. You know?"

Till’s jaw tightened, his eyes darting toward Ivan and Sua. “Are you serious, Mizi? Now?”

Mizi crossed her arms, giving him an exasperated look. “Yes, now! You’re the one who’s been putting it off.”

Till scoffed, leaning back with a dry laugh. “Because it’s not exactly something you just fucking bring up over lunch, Mizi.”

“Don’t swear at me like that!” Mizi replied, a bit louder, causing Ivan and Sua to realize they are actually talking about something.

Ivan glanced between them, his brows furrowed in confusion. “Is something going on?”

Sua leaned forward, her eyes narrowing with concern. “Why are you two acting so weird?”

Ignoring them, Mizi glared at Till, her voice gaining an edge. “You know what, maybe I should just go ahead and say it since you’re too fucking scared to.”

Till's expression became rather furious, his voice turning sharp. “Oh, talk about fucking swearing! I’m not scared, Mizi. I just don’t see why everyone has to know our business!”

The rising tension between them was unexpected, out of nowhere- they were just eating lunch together, giggling over stupid stuff, talking about the fundraiser… 

Ivan raised his hands, trying to calm them down. “Whoa, whoa- seriously, what’s going on here?”

Sua nodded, worry etched into her features. She could sense their anger, the tension between them. She hated it. She hated knowing these two people who were so dear to each other were fighting over something that she didn’t know about and… It made her chest tighten. She had to shut herself down. Shut these emotions down so she wouldn’t get hurt.

She knew that life was a hell for sensitive people, after all. And one like Sua, someone who was so pure, filled to the brim with emotions that she did not dare show was just so… fragile.

“Did something happen between you two?” Sua finally spoke, squeezing the ends of her skirt to let her emotions out in some form. 

Till looked like he was about to say something more to Mizi but instead let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair. He turned to Ivan and Sua, looking directly into Sua’s eyes. In a sudden burst, the words tumbled out before he could stop himself.

“Mizi wants to tell you that we’re fucking orphans is what’s going on.”

The silence was immediate and heavy. Ivan and Sua stared at them, blinking as the Till’s words hung in the air.

Mizi’s expression softened as she looked at her friends, even though she was not expecting Till to blurt out this way, she was glad it was over. She sighed and spoke up, her voice more subdued. “It’s- uhm, true. Till and I… we’ve been in the orphanage for years. It’s not something we usually talk about. But since the topic of family and stuff ha been coming out a lot-”

Mizi’s voice trailed off, and before she could finish her sentence, Sua’s arms were wrapped around her, pulling her into a tight, comforting hug. Mizi stiffened, surprised, but Sua’s embrace was warm, grounding, and filled with a kind of acceptance that made Mizi’s heart swell.

“Thank you,” Sua whispered, her voice soft but laced with deep emotion. “Thank you for wanting to tell us. You didn’t have to… but I’m so glad you did.”

Mizi felt a lump form in her throat, her own arms coming up to return the hug as she closed her eyes for a moment, letting Sua’s warmth melt away the tension she’d been carrying. She hadn’t realized how much she’d needed someone to know- how much she needed her dear Sua to see this part of her life without judgment. Her cheeks flushed as she rubbed her forehead against Sua’s shoulder, finding comfort in her smell.  

Till shifted uncomfortably, looking away as if giving them privacy, though his clenched fists and tense expression gave him away. Ivan placed a steady hand on Till’s shoulder, giving it a light, reassuring squeeze. Till glanced over, and for a split second, he saw an understanding in Ivan’s eyes, a silent acknowledgment that spoke volumes.

Sua finally pulled back, her eyes glistening with unshed tears as she looked between Mizi and Till, her gaze full of care. “You’re both… so strong,” she said quietly. “And I’m honored that you trusted us enough to tell us this.”

Mizi managed a small, grateful smile, her cheeks flushed. “It means a lot to have you both here.”

Till let out a soft exhale, the tension in his shoulders easing. He glanced at Mizi, and then, with a wry smile tugging at his lips, he mumbled, “Guess this wasn’t such a disaster after all.”

Mizi rolled her eyes but grinned back at him. “Told you so.”

 

Chapter 17: hidden boundaries

Summary:

“I think… I think I’m falling for someone,” Sua whispered, her voice shaking, and she dared to look up, meeting her sister’s gaze. “And it’s not what they’d expect. Not… what they’d ever want for me.”

Her sister’s eyes widened, a flicker of surprise passing through her expression. But she held Sua’s gaze, unwavering, as if she could see how much it had taken for her to finally say those words.

“Who is it?” her sister asked softly, her voice barely more than a whisper.

A tear slipped down Sua’s cheek, and she quickly brushed it away, her voice barely audible as she spoke. “It’s… it’s a girl, her name is Mizi.”

It was a peaceful afternoon, the kind where time seemed to stretch and the world felt softer. Mizi, Till, and Hyuna sat sprawled out in Hyuna’s warm living room, wrapped in blankets with mugs of coffee for Till and Hyuna, and a hot chocolate for Mizi warming their hands. A frail of sunlight filtered in through the window, casting a gentle glow over the room as Hyuna and Till were bantering over rock music- something Mizi wasn’t quite interested in. 

Mizi’s gaze drifted over her friends, a small smile tugging at her lips. This was her safe place- next to her favorite people. This was where she could let her guard down, share the thoughts she hadn’t dared to voice to herself.

“I think I actually might have a chance with her,” she said out of nowhere, surprising even herself as the words slipped out. Her fingers tightened around her mug, nervous but relieved to finally admit it.

Till and Hyuna looked over at her, Hyuna’s face lighting up with intrigue while Till’s expression stayed more cautious. Till was the first to break the silence, leaning forward with a frown. “Wait—do you mean Sua?” His voice had a sparkle of doubt, but his eyes were serious, encouraging Mizi to open up.

Mizi nodded, a shy smile warming her face. “Yeah… I know it sounds delusional but it’s like… when we’re together, I feel like she’s really seeing me. She let me stay and listen to her practice the other day, even talked about her feelings about performing in a way she usually doesn’t share with anyone.” She trailed off, feeling her heart swell at the memory.

Hyuna gave her an approving nod, a knowing look on her face. “Well, that’s definitely something, Mizi. I’m not saying it’s all there yet, but letting someone in like that—it means she feels close to you.”

Till’s expression remained steady, though his eyes held a glint of protectiveness. “I’m happy for you, Mizi. But just… be careful. I know it’s easy to want things to work out, but I just don’t want you to get hurt if she doesn’t feel the same.” 

Mizi gave him a reassuring smile, recognizing the concern in his voice. “I know, Till. But I think I’m ready to try. Hiding it is harder than just… being honest with myself.”

Hyuna nudged Till lightly, flashing him a playful glare. “C’mon, don’t ruin the moment. Mizi’s had a rough year, having to deal with that whole existential crisis and big fat crush of yours on her. She deserves to feel a little hope for once. We’ll be here for her no matter what.”

Mizi laughed, feeling the weight of her uncertainty lift just a bit. “Thanks, really. I don’t know where this is going, but just having you both here—it means a lot.”

Till rolled his eyes, leaning back against the couch. “Alright, fine,” he said, shrugging. “I’m not here to ruin your romantic dreams. I just don’t want Sua messing with your head.”

Hyuna chuckled, giving him a light smack on the arm. “She’s not ‘messing with her head,’ Till. You’re acting like Sua’s out to break hearts. Maybe she’s feeling just as scared as Mizi.”

Mizi looked down at her mug, a small, hopeful smile playing at her lips. She couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it- that maybe, just maybe, her feelings might not be one-sided. “She… I don’t know. She’s always so quiet, but lately, I feel like I see something more in her eyes. Something softer.”

Till scoffed, trying to mask the genuine interest behind his nonchalant expression. “And what does that mean, exactly? She gave you a look? You two are weird,” he muttered, shaking his head, though there was no mistaking the amusement in his eyes. “Plus, isn’t her family super religious?”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow at Till, giving him a playful nudge. “Since when do you care about someone’s family values? People are more than where they come from, you should know this best,” she said, glancing over at Mizi with a supportive smile. “People might surprise you.”

Mizi nodded, her fingers tracing a pattern on her mug. “Yeah, I know Sua’s faith is important to her,” she admitted, voice hopeful. “She’s mentioned it a few times, actually. I think… it’s something she’s really interested in. But she’s also never been judgmental about it with me. She listens, really listens. And you saw how she reacted when we opened up about not having a family.”

“Listening doesn’t mean she’ll be okay with it,” Till said a bit aggressively, though his eyes softened. “It’s a lot to expect, Mizi, especially with the way she was raised. I just don’t want you getting your hopes up too high.”

Mizi looked down, nodding as she took in his words. “I know what you mean,” she murmured. “But it’s not like I’m asking her to change. I just… I feel like there’s this side of her that wants to be understood too. And if I let her know of my feelings, she might let go of the expectations she’s holding onto.”

“Sounds familiar,” Hyuna teased, pettine Mizi’s head a little. “That sounds similar to how you were before you realized how much you like to dance, you know?”

Mizi chuckled, warmth spreading through her chest as she thought of Sua. “Yeah, maybe that’s why I like her. She has everything that makes me feel happy. It’s like we have our own little world when we’re together, and it doesn’t matter what’s expected of us.”

Till rolled his eyes, but finally cracked a smile. “Alright, alright, I get it. I still think you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, but if she’s that important to you… I guess I’ll just be here for the fallout if it goes wrong.”

Hyuna grinned, reaching with her other hand over to ruffle Till’s hair. “Oh, come on, stop being such a pessimist. Mizi deserves to see where this goes, and you deserve to let her have that chance.”

A small, hopeful smile touched Mizi’s lips as she looked at her friends, feeling more sure of herself. “Whatever happens… I’m glad I have you two in my corner.”

In that moment, surrounded by her best friends, she let herself believe -just a little- that her feelings for Sua might have a chance.

-

The days until the Christmas fundraiser slipped by like snow melting under the sun. As the event drew closer, the school was filled with excitement of the activity, teachers calling out instructions, students darting back and forth with decorations and equipment. It seemed like everyone was caught in the swirl of it- except for Mizi, who found herself feeling strangely detached, watching it all with a quiet calm.

One afternoon, Mizi sat in an empty practice room overlooking the school courtyard, her gaze following the figures below, her friends scattered across different tasks. A friend of hers, named Marty was on ladder duty, draping lights across the upper windows, his usual confidence on full display as he helped other students through the decorations. Till and Ivan were out near the stage setup, Till occasionally throwing up his hands in frustration while Ivan spoke with a measured calm, clearly keeping Till grounded.

Mizi’s thoughts wandered as she watched them throughout the week, feeling a swell of warmth that was both soothing and bittersweet. The people around her -her friends, this school, this place- all felt like a part of her now. But whenever she turned her attention back inside, a new feeling tugged at her, something quieter, more private.

She glanced down at the notebook in her lap, tracing the lines of a half-finished drawing she’d started the day before. It was of her friends, the way she always imagined them together- a little chaotic, a little too loud, but full of something bright. Compared to the art students at school (and even Till) she knew her drawing skills weren’t necessarily good. But she didn’t feel the need to be skilled to enjoy it. What she drew wasn’t about perfection, it was about capturing moments of happiness, reflecting pieces of herself on paper. That, she realized, was more than enough. A small smile played on her lips as she shaded the edges of Hyuna’s hair, adding the playful glint she always wore when she was around them.

But then her pencil stilled, her thoughts drifting toward Sua. The memory of Sua’s soft, still eyes filled her mind, the way she looked when she sang, a kind of vulnerability that seemed to wrap around Mizi’s heart. The way they’d shared that quiet moment in the music room had left Mizi’s emotions tangled, as if her feelings had only grown stronger in the days since.

She closed her notebook slowly, leaning back in her chair. Could it be that Sua saw something in her too? The thought warmed her chest, but just as quickly, a wave of doubt that she couldn’t show Till or Hyuna clouded over it. She didn’t want to build herself up only to come crashing down later, but that hope- it was there, like a pushing up through snow.

The sound of footsteps pulled her from her thoughts. She looked up to see Sua entering the classroom, carrying a box of tinsel and looking a bit lost.

“Hey,” Sua greeted, her voice soft as she approached Mizi with a shy smile. “What are you doing here all alone?”

Mizi felt her cheeks warm slightly. “Just… watching all the chaos from a distance,” she replied with a chuckle. “Needed a moment to catch my breath.”

Sua laughed, the sound soft but contagious. “You and me both. I feel like I’ve wrapped a hundred boxes today- to give to top donators.” She walked closer. “The teacher said my song is good enough already, so… Now I just gotta do physical labor, since I don’t attend any other club.” She set the tinsel box down on a nearby table and sat beside Mizi, her gaze drifting out the window.

They sat in silence for a moment, the quiet feeling comforting, almost natural.

“So,” Sua said after a while, her tone light but with a hint of curiosity, “are you excited about the fundraiser?”

Mizi nodded, her fingers playing nervously with the corner of her notebook. “Yeah, especially your performance. I can’t wait to hear you sing again.” She looked over at Sua, her heart skipping a beat as their eyes met.

Sua’s cheeks flushed, and she looked down, smiling. “I hope it’ll be good. I’ve been practicing like crazy.” She hesitated, as if choosing her next words carefully. “I said this before, but… It means a lot that you’ll be there, you know.”

Mizi swallowed, feeling her pulse quicken. She laughed, trying to hide her nervousness. “That’s… good to hear, really.” she replied, her voice a little shy. 

Sua smiled, though she didn’t know how to respond, she felt her heartbeat get faster by Mizi’s shy demeanour. She glanced out the window, her fingers idly tapping on the edge of the table, trying to think of something to say. 

After a moment that took her to think, Sua spoke. “Never seen people get so intense over decorations and wrapped boxes.”

Mizi chuckled, watching her. “Guess it’s one way to make things feel… festive,” she replied, smiling as she looked around at the stray ribbons and tape left behind by other students. “Even if it’s kind of exhausting.”

Sua nodded, leaning back in her chair. “It feels nice to be part of something that everyone’s working on together. Almost like there’s more to it than just… school.”

Mizi’s pupils dilated slightly, and she felt herself relaxing a bit more. “Yeah, I get that,” she said, glancing down at the notebook in her lap. “I don’t know what it is exactly, but… being around everyone, seeing them put everything into this, it’s like we’re all connected. I really feel like I belong to something, with people, you know?”

Sua nodded slowly, her eyes meeting Mizi’s, a quiet understanding passing between them. “Guess it’s easy to forget sometimes, huh? Given that…” She paused, her throat tightening as she considered the boundary the words she wanted to say might cross. A line seemed to hover between them, something she wasn’t sure she was meant to cross. She knew so little about Mizi’s situation beyond these moments they shared. What if her family story held memories too painful to speak of? What if it was a tragedy too deep for casual conversation?

A quiet worry crept into her mind, and she swallowed, glancing down as she tried to gather her thoughts as her smile froze in her face. She wanted to know Mizi, truly know her, but some things felt sacred, too delicate to touch. “But it’s different when you’re with people who… see you.”

Mizi felt her heart skip. It was a feeling that didn’t couldn't be explained- this thing of being seen, of being understood without having to say everything out loud by someone she adored so much. 

“Yeah,” Mizi spoke softly, her voice lower than before. “It really is.”

She glanced at Sua, noticing the gentle curve of her lips, the softness in her eyes. Mizi felt like she could reach across the space between them, close that final distance. She wanted to say something more, maybe even express the emotions she’d been holding back, but the words wouldn’t come, and she simply let the moment linger, unbroken.

As if sensing her thoughts, Sua’s hand shifted ever so slightly, fingers brushing against the table. It was such a small movement, but to Mizi, it felt like an invitation.

This wasn’t the moment she’d been waiting for, but Mizi sensed that the time when Sua would finally understand her real feelings was near.

The moments passed, clock ticking and students leaving the school, including Mizi and Sua. Later that evening, Sua was sat curled up in the family’s living room, the soft glow of lamps illuminating the familiar space. She could hear her parents’ voices drifting from the kitchen, their conversation muffled but comforting. She’d always loved this room, with its shelves stacked with music scores and art books, a reminder of the family's appreciation for arts- a break from religion.

Her older sister stepped into the room, shrugging off her coat and setting down her bag with a sigh. She’d just arrived home for the weekend from university, and the usual weight of exhaustion mixed with purpose seemed to hang over her as always. Without a word, she settled onto the couch beside Sua, her gaze drifting across the room before landing on her.

“So,” her sister began, crossing her arm. “I hear you’re the big performer at this fundraiser.”

Sua offered a shy smile, pulling her knees closer. “Yeah, they thought I’d be a good fit.”

Her sister nodded, glancing away as a hint of something -maybe some wistfulness, maybe some irritation, there was something in her expression. “Must be nice… knowing you’re exactly what Mom and Dad always wanted. The talented one, the one who’s got it all naturally.” She commented with the hostility Sua was used to.

Sua shifted, sensing the underlying frustration. Despite their closeness, she’d always felt a quiet tension with her sister- a subtle distance, like they were on different paths entirely. She understood why, as her sister’s choice to study maths had been unexpected in their family, a departure from the creative world their parents cherished.

“They’re proud of you too,” Sua said softly, trying to bridge the gap she felt between them. “You know they respect how hard you work.”

Her sister scoffed, brushing a strand of hair from her face. “Maybe. But it’s not the same. You have this… natural gift, Sua. You’re everything they wanted in a daughter, and I’m… well, I’m something different.”

She took a deep breath, looking down at her hands. “I’m not perfect, you know,” she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. “It’s… not all as easy as it seems.”

Her sister raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms. “Oh? The golden child with a flaw? Shocking,” she teased, though there was a flicker of curiosity in her gaze.

Sua managed a small smile, letting out a soft laugh. “Yeah, shocking,” she murmured, staring down at the floor. “But it’s true. I don’t always feel like I’m… exactly what they want me to be.” Her voice softened, her fingers fidgeting with the edge of her sweater as she chose her words carefully. “I have things I think they wouldn’t understand.”

Her sister’s expression became even more curious, the tension between them fading slightly. She nudged Sua gently with her elbow. “I doubt it’s anything that bad, Sua. You’re probably just overthinking, as usual. Sensitive crybaby.”

Sua chuckled, shrugging. “Maybe,” she replied, grateful for the lighthearted tone. “But I guess it’s hard not to overthink when everyone’s always expecting something from you.”

Her sister rolled her eyes playfully. “Welcome to the club, Miss Perfect. At least one of us still has a chance of meeting those expectations.”

Sua smirked, nudging her back. “Oh, please. You’re the one making waves with all those maths courses. Dad brags about you every time he sees someone with a calculator.”

Her sister let out a genuine laugh, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. We both know he’d much rather brag about his little star performer.”

Sua tried to keep her smile steady, hoping her sister didn’t notice the way her laughter was shakey. She wanted to believe her sister’s words, to see herself as the daughter her parents would be proud of, but she couldn’t ignore the quiet ache that grew each time she thought about the feelings she had for Mizi. The feelings she could never fully voice.

“Girls! The dinner is ready!” The call from her mother was what cut their conversation, as they settled into what their usual Friday night would look like.

However, later that night, long after the rest of the house had settled into silence, Sua found herself awake, her thoughts restless. She slipped quietly from her room, her bare feet padding softly across the floor as she made her way to her sister’s room. The door was slightly open, and through the soft light spilling in from the hallway, Sua could see her sister’s silhouette, leaning over her desk, scribbling notes into a thick textbook.

Sua hesitated in the doorway, feeling the familiar emotions rising within her. She wanted to say something but didn’t know where to begin. Her sister must have sensed her there, glancing up with a tired smile. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Sua nodded, stepping into the room. She sat down on the edge of her sister’s bed, wrapping her arms around herself. The weight of her own thoughts pressed down on her, and for a moment, she simply looked down, lost in the quiet of the room.

“Ever think about… if all this is worth it?” she murmured, her voice soft, almost as if she were talking to herself. “Living the way we do… to meet what’s expected of us?”

Her sister’s pen stilled, and she leaned back in her chair, her eyes narrowing slightly as she looked at Sua. “What’s this about, Sua?” she asked, her voice was more gentle than usual, yet the hint of curiosity was still there. “You’ve never talked about this kind of thing before.”

Sua pressed her lips together, playing with her fingers. Her heart felt heavy, caught between the familiar comfort of her family’s values and the quiet yearning she could no longer ignore. She didn’t want to explain, didn’t know how to put the feelings into words that would make sense. But being here, with her sister, in this room where they’d whispered secrets as children (until her sister decided she would never be the “Ms. Little Perfect” Sua was), she felt a strange courage- a need to be honest, even if only a little.

“I just… sometimes wonder if what they want for us is what we really want for ourselves,” she said quietly, glancing up to meet her sister’s gaze. “Sometimes, I feel like I’m living someone else’s dream. And it’s not that I don’t love them, or want to make them proud. It’s just… there are parts of me I don’t know how to share.”

Her sister watched her, the usual teasing edge gone from her gaze, replaced by a rare empathy. “You’re not the only one,” she murmured, her voice quiet and understanding. “But if it’s important to you, those parts of you- then maybe… maybe that’s what you should be following.”

Sua’s heart swelled with a bittersweet ache. She wanted to believe her sister’s words, to believe that it was enough to follow her heart, to be true to herself, but a familiar fear held her back. “But what if it changes everything?” she asked, her shaky as if she was about to cry. “What if… what if it means disappointing them? Disregarding all the values they taught me? Disregarding… the God’s will?”

Her sister’s brows knitted, a subtle curiosity breaking through her calm expression. She leaned forward from her chair, her gaze steady on Sua, trying catching onto Sua’s thought process, trying to understand the reason behind the hesitation that seemed to ripple through her words.

“Disregarding God’s will?” she repeated, a touch of confusion creeping into her tone. “Sua… what’s going on? I’ve never seen you question these things like this.”

Sua’s fingers tightened around the fabric of her sleeve, her heart hammering in her chest as she felt her sister’s searching gaze. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, as if struggling to catch her breath.

“Sua,” her sister’s voice was gentle, yet probing, pressing just enough to urge her on. “Is there something… someone… you’re afraid they wouldn’t approve of?”

Sua froze, a faint blush coloring her cheeks as her sister’s words cut close to the truth. She looked down, her fingers twisting together as she tried to form an answer, any answer that might steer them away from this path.

Her sister’s expression softened a little, seeing as her little sister was actually showing her emotions rather than forcing herself to act whatever was seen as right way- a new understanding was dawning in her eyes. She reached out, resting a hand on Sua’s shoulder. “Hey, you know you can talk to me, right? Whatever it is, I’m not here to judge you for once. I’ll listen.”

That quiet encouragement was all it took for the fragile walls Sua had built to come tumbling down. Her vision blurred as she finally let herself acknowledge the truth she’d been avoiding, the truth that had filled her with both longing and guilt.

“I think… I think I’m falling for someone,” Sua whispered, her voice shaking, and she dared to look up, meeting her sister’s gaze. “And it’s not what they’d expect. Not… what they’d ever want for me.”

Her sister’s eyes widened, a flicker of surprise passing through her expression. But she held Sua’s gaze, unwavering, as if she could see how much it had taken for her to finally say those words.

“Who is it?” her sister asked softly, her voice barely more than a whisper.

A tear slipped down Sua’s cheek, and she quickly brushed it away, her voice barely audible as she spoke. “It’s… it’s a girl, her name is Mizi.”

For a moment, her sister was silent, her hand resting on Sua’s shoulder as she took it in. Then, after a pause, she gave a small nod, her voice tender and kind.

“Sua, you’re allowed to love whoever makes you happy. It doesn’t matter if it’s what they want or what they’d expect. What matters is that it’s what you want. This is your life, remember?” Her fingers gave Sua’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, a silent assurance. “God doesn’t want you to live in fear, Sua. Love is… love is the truest part of yourself. There is nothing wrong with that.”

Sua felt herself break then, leaning into her sister’s embrace as tears slipped down her cheeks. The weight of her secret, her guilt, the longing she had felt, all spilled out, leaving her raw, but somehow lighter.

Her sister held her tightly, stroking her hair as she murmured, “It’s okay, it’s okay… You’re okay, my little crybaby.”

And Sua cried, until everything actually felt like… it was okay.

Chapter 18: applause

Summary:

But Ivan’s grin only widened as he leaned closer, his tone exaggeratedly gentle. “Come on, little bro, isn’t this just fate? You should call me hyung, don’t you think?”

Till groaned, his face a mix of frustration and embarrassment. “Absolutely not.”

Mizi snorted, clearly enjoying the teasing. “I think it’s only fair, Till. You used to call Hyuna unni… Just one little ‘hyung’ won’t hurt.”

Sua chimed in with a soft laugh. “It would make his day, you know. A birthday gift for me, perhaps?”

Till glared at Sua and sighed. He then switched gaze towards Ivan, who was looking way too pleased with himself. After a beat, Till relented with another sigh, though this time it was overly exaggerated. He finally spoke, muttering under his breath, “Fine. Hyung,” he said, barely audible.

December 22nd had arrived, a day that usually passed by quietly as students drifted into the holiday spirit, ready to wind down before the school free day of the fundraiser. But today felt different to Mizi- it was Sua’s birthday, and though it wasn’t anything big or official, she’d managed to arrange a little surprise for her friend. With Ivan’s help, she’d transformed an empty classroom into a cozy spot with a few treats and small decorations, just enough to make it feel special without overwhelming Sua.

During after school hours, Mizi waited in the room, pacing a little, the bracelet she’d picked out for Sua held tightly in her hands. It was a simple piece, just a silver band with a star charm- a reminder of all the quiet, unnoticed moments they’d shared, like tiny stars in the background of the whole universe.

As Mizi waited, her fingers fidgeting with the box, Ivan and Till slipped into the room, each carrying a small touch they thought would add to the setup. Ivan carried a tray of warm drinks he got from the council room, carefully chosen hot chocolate with marshmallows (and tea for Sua, as she preferred it over sweet drinks), while Till held a handful of string lights he’d found last minute, already tangled and looking somewhat worse for wear.

Ivan gave Mizi a small smile, setting the drinks down on a small table near the treats. “I think she’s going to love this,” he said, glancing around the room. “You’ve thought of everything, Mizi.”

Till, on the other hand, was less subtle, rolling his eyes playfully as he tried to untangle the lights. “You’re setting the bar pretty high for all of us,” he said, grinning. “Don’t come crying to me if we can’t return a party like this on your birthday.”

Mizi chuckled, nudging him lightly. “You two are the ones that helped me pull it off, so yes, I will be expecting this on my birthday too!” she replied, watching as Till finally draped the lights across the table in a not-so-perfect but charming arrangement.

“Guess I can accept that I’ve got some of the responsibility,” Ivan joked, as he was the one that booked the room, gathered snacks and drinks, and found decorations from the storage room. 

Till rolled his eyes, slightly furrowing his eyebrows. He then glanced at the bracelet in Mizi’s hand. “But hey, you’re the one with an actual present. So don’t get all shy now.”

She couldn’t help the shy smile that crept onto her face. “Thanks for helping me, really,” she said, her voice soft. “It helps a lot that you two are here.”

“Anything for the Mizi mission,” Ivan quipped, giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Now we’ll head out and give you a few moments alone with Sua. We will come back for the hot chocolate though.” He gave her one last, encouraging squeeze. “You’ve got this.”

They exchanged one last glance, Till giving her a half hearted thumbs-up before they quietly slipped out, leaving the room filled with silence. Mizi could hear her heartbeat up to her ear as she took a deep breath, calming herself.

The door creaked open, and Sua stepped inside, her expression shifting from confusion to a warm, surprised smile as she realized the setup of the classroom. Her eyes widened as she took in the little decorations, her gaze drifting over the twinkling lights, the treats, and the table with drinks carefully set out. Her smile was soft, a mixture of surprise and warmth that made Mizi’s heart race even faster.

“Mizi… did you do all this?” Sua asked, her voice barely above a whisper as she stepped further into the room, her eyes wet as tears formed in her eyes due to happiness.

Mizi nodded, her cheeks flushing a little. “I mean… yeah, but Ivan and Till helped too,” she admitted, holding out the small box with the bracelet. “I just wanted to do something nice for you. Happy birthday, Sua.”

Sua took the box, looking down at it with a tender expression before meeting Mizi’s eyes again. She carefully opened it, revealing the silver bracelet. Her fingers brushed over the tiny star charm, and her gaze softened even further as she looked up, clearly moved.

“Mizi… it’s beautiful,” she murmured, her eyes lingering on the bracelet before glancing up at Mizi. “Thank you. Really. This means so much.”

Mizi’s lips curved into a shy smile, her fingers nervously tapping the side of her mug as she watched Sua slip the bracelet onto her wrist. She had pictured this moment in her head, but seeing Sua’s reaction was more than she could have hoped for.

“I’m glad you like it,” Mizi replied, her voice warm. “It… reminded me of you, I guess. Like, even when everything else is busy or overwhelming, you’re there with me. Like a quiet star.”

Sua laughed softly, her cheeks tinged pink as she clasped the bracelet, looking down at it for a moment before meeting Mizi’s gaze. “You always know what to say, don’t you?” she teased, though there was a hint of something- a kind of gratefulness in her eyes.

They sat down as they shared the treats, some hot chocolote and tea in comfortable silence, the warmth of the room and the quiet presence of one another making it feel like their own little world. Every now and then, their eyes would meet, and Mizi would feel a rush of emotions that she couldn’t quite put into words.

“So,” Mizi began after a few moments, trying to gather her thoughts, “I know this isn’t a big birthday party or anything, but… I hope it makes today feel a little more special.”

Sua reached across the table, placing her hand gently over Mizi’s. Her touch was light, but it sent a warmth through Mizi’s skin. “It’s more than enough,” Sua said, her voice quiet, but filled with sincerity. “It’s perfect. Just like this.”

Mizi felt her heart skip as she looked down at their hands, unable to keep the shy smile off her face. She knew, in that moment, that this was exactly where she wanted to be. And perhaps, just maybe, Sua felt the same way.

As the moment stretched, their fingers occasionally brushed as they reached for the same snack or adjusted the decorations around them. The warmth in the room wasn’t just from the small table lamp or the string lights Till had tangled; it was from the closeness between them, a closeness Mizi had only dared to imagine before.

They shared little stories, laughed over small memories. Mizi found herself leaning a bit closer each time Sua spoke, captivated by the softness in her voice and the gentle way she held her gaze. She felt her nerves ease, a sense of comfort wrapping around her heart as if it was just the two of them in the entire universe.

Sua glanced down at the bracelet, her fingers lightly tracing the charm as if it were a precious relic. “I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone do something like this for me,” she admitted, her voice soft, almost like she was letting Mizi in on a private thought.

Mizi’s heart fluttered at the admission, and she reached over to touch Sua’s wrist, her fingers barely brushing the bracelet. “You deserve it,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “More than anyone I know.”

They held each other’s gaze, and Mizi felt her heart beating faster. The soft lighting, the warmth of the room, and the look in Sua’s eyes made everything feel surreal. It was a perfect, quiet moment between them, and Mizi felt herself wishing it could last forever.

Just then, the door opened slightly, and Ivan’s head peeked in. He quickly raised a brow, noticing the soft glow in the room and the lingering closeness between Mizi and Sua. Clearing his throat with a teasing grin, he fully opened the door, stepping in with Till close behind him.

“Hope we’re not interrupting anything too special,” Ivan quipped, smirking as he looked between the two girls.

Sua laughed softly, though she pulled her hand back, the warmth of Mizi’s touch still lingering. “No, you’re fine. I’m sure there’s some hot chocolate left for you two.”

Till rolled his eyes playfully, giving Mizi a quick, approving glance before making his way to the table. “Well, we did say we’d be back for it, didn’t we? Can’t let you two have all the fun.”

Ivan poured himself a cup and as he took a sip of his hot chocolate, he let out an approving hum, raising his cup in a playful salute to Mizi. “This is definitely worth interrupting for.” 

Mizi laughed, a bit of the shyness from earlier melting away now that everyone was together. “Thanks, but I can’t take all the credit. You did bring the hot chocolate, after all.”

Till snorted, plopping down in a chair beside Ivan. “Yeah, don’t get too proud of yourself, Ivan. We all know Mizi’s the mastermind here.”

Sua chuckled softly, glancing between the friends. “Well, either way, this has definitely been one of the nicest birthdays I’ve had,” she admitted, her gaze landing on Mizi with a warm smile. “Thank you, really.”

They chatted and joked around, the room filling with laughter and easy conversation. Mizi felt her shoulders relax as they settled in comfortably, swapping stories about random moments in class, past holidays, and a few inside jokes that made Sua shake her head, though she couldn’t help but smile.

Till, leaned back in his chair as he looked at the ceiling. “So, Sua, got any deep, introspective thoughts now that you’re a legal adult?” he asked in a rather joking, sarcastic tone.

Sua pretended to think deeply, tapping her chin. “Hmm, well, maybe I’ll finally be mature enough to stop falling asleep in history class.”

Ivan laughed, raising his half-filled cup, pretending to be a drunk uncle. “You’ll have to let us know how that goes. I think Till might want to learn the secret to doing that.”

“Hey! I never fall asleep in class!” Till turned his gaze towards Ivan, mouth slightly tilted downwards. “I just don’t pay attention.”

Mizi couldn’t stop herself from chuckling as she watched them banter. “That doesn’t make it any better, Till.” 

Sua, feeling a warm glow settle in her chest, smiled as she observed them. She’d spent so long dreaming of moments like this, moments where she could share her friends’ laughter, feel connected in the simplest of ways without having to guard her emotions, And seeing Mizi here, happy and at ease, made it all the more meaningful.

“Well, I guess when you turn nineteen next year it will be better.” Ivan said, looking at Till as he was taking a sip of hot chocolate. 

Mizi snorted at that, a little bit of hot chocolate coming out of her nose as Sua chuckled, handing her a napkin. Till pouted, his eyebrows furrowing as he mumbled something under his breath. Observing all of this, Ivan couldn’t help the look of confusion forming on his face. “What’s so funny?”

Till sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. ‘’I am not turning eighteen next year, not nineteen. I started school a year early to be with Mizi.”

Mizi gave an approving nod as she wiped the hot chocolate coming out of her nose. “He’s always been the baby of the group, even if he won’t admit it.”

Ivan’s eyes lit up, clearly entertained by the new dynamic. He leaned back, crossing his arms with a playful smirk. “So, our Till is younger than me? That’s… adorable.”

Till’s eyes narrowed, realizing where this was going. “Don’t even think about it.”

But Ivan’s grin only widened as he leaned closer, his tone exaggeratedly gentle. “Come on, little bro, isn’t this just fate? You should call me hyung, don’t you think?”

Till groaned, his face a mix of frustration and embarrassment. “Absolutely not.”

Mizi snorted, clearly enjoying the teasing. “I think it’s only fair, Till. You used to call Hyuna unni… Just one little ‘hyung’ won’t hurt.”

Sua chimed in with a soft laugh. “It would make his day, you know. A birthday gift for me, perhaps?”

Till glared at Sua and sighed. He then switched gaze towards Ivan, who was looking way too pleased with himself. After a beat, Till relented with another sigh, though this time it was overly exaggerated. He finally spoke, muttering under his breath, “Fine. Hyung,” he said, barely audible.

Ivan felt a slight warmth creeping up his cheeks, his smirk faltering as Till muttered “hyung” in that barely-there voice. He hadn’t expected the word to actually feel... well, endearing. For a moment, he lost his usual witty composure, surprised by how much he actually enjoyed hearing it.

Mizi immediately caught on, her eyes narrowing with a grin as she nudged Sua. “Look at him! He’s blushing! I didn’t know ‘hyung’ would have this much power over you, Ivan.”

Sua chuckled, covering her mouth as she watched Ivan’s expression shift from his usual confident teasing to something softer, a bit more vulnerable. “It’s kind of cute,” she said, her tone both amused and gentle. “Looks like you actually wanted that title.”

Ivan attempted to recover, clearing his throat and leaning back as if he hadn’t been affected. “Oh, please. I’m just being a good senior, that’s all,” he said, though his voice wavered slightly, betraying the fact that he was more touched than he’d let on.

But Mizi and Sua weren’t about to let him off that easily.

“Oh, just admit it, Ivan,” Mizi teased, leaning forward with a grin. “You’ve wanted Till to call you ‘hyung’ this whole time. Look at you—you’re practically glowing.”

Ivan rolled his eyes, though he could still feel the blush lingering. He glanced sideways at Till, who was now smirking, clearly enjoying the rare moment of seeing Ivan flustered.

“Fine,” Ivan muttered, finally allowing himself to smile, a bit sheepish. “Maybe it’s nice… just this once.”

Till rolled his eyes, crossing his arms with a grin. “Enjoy it while it lasts. That’s the last ‘hyung’ you’re getting out of me. So don’t get used to it,” he warned, his voice grumbling but his eyes betraying his amusement.

The room erupted into laughter from Mizi, the playful atmosphere filling every corner as they shared in the joke. As the hour went by, Ivan stood, stretching. “Alright, before I finish this entire tray of snacks by myself, I think it’s time we head out. Let’s give the birthday girl a little peace.”

Till rolled his eyes but stood up as well, finishing off his hot chocolate with a satisfied sigh. “You’re just saying that because you want the last cupcake.”

Sua laughed, holding the cupcake out to him. “Fine, take it. I’ve had plenty already.”

Ivan accepted it with a dramatic bow. “Woah, thank you, Your Majesty.”

Till shook his head, chuckling. “Alright, alright, let’s leave them to it. Thanks for letting us crash your party, Sua.”

“Anytime,” she replied with a small smile. “And thanks again, all of you.”

As Ivan and Till made their way out, Till stuck out his tongue towards Mizi, and Ivan flashed her a thumbs-up before closing the door behind them. The room felt a little quieter without them, but the warmth lingered, a gentle reminder of the friendship they all shared. 

Sua looked around, her eyes catching Mizi’s in a gentle, almost hesitant gaze. “This was… really nice,” she said. “Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I felt this…” She trailed off, her fingers brushing the star charm on her bracelet.

“Special?” Mizi finished for her, her own voice low, a smile tugging at her lips.

Sua nodded, smiling a little shyly. “Yeah. Special.”

Mizi leaned back, crossing her legs and letting her fingers tap on her knee. “Well, that was the goal,” she replied, with a bit of playfulness in her tone. “Glad we could pull it off. I mean, it was a lot of work- Till and Ivan alone took half my energy.”

Sua laughed, the sound filling the room like a soft melody. “You did more than enough, Mizi. And I really… I really needed this.” She paused, her gaze drifting to the bracelet again, her thumb rubbing gently over the star as if grounding herself. “It was very fun.”

Mizi watched her, feeling the soft warmth of the moment wrap around them both. She hesitated for a second, then reached over, covering Sua’s hand with her own. “You deserve to feel this way,” she said, her voice sincere. “Not just today, but… always.”

Sua’s gaze lifted, her eyes soft and warm as they met Mizi’s. “Thank you,” she whispered, her fingers gently intertwining with Mizi’s. They sat there together, in quiet, feeling the world outside of them fading away, leaving only the gentle rhythm of their breaths and the warmth of their connection.

The moment stretched, unhurried and full of feelings unsaid, feelings that lingered in the air between them.

-

On December 23rd, the city was practically glowing with posters, digital displays, and even subtle decorations marking Luka’s birthday. It was impossible to miss. Everywhere Hyuna turned, Luka’s face was there, his smile plastered on screens, his name shining in neon letters on the side of buildings. Fans crowded the streets, chattering excitedly, holding up signs and wearing shirts with his name. The whole city seemed to pulse with energy for him- and only him.

Hyuna gripped her coat tightly as she navigated through the crowd. She could feel the strain building, her breathing coming shallow and quick as Luka’s face appeared in every reflection, every store window. Her heart pounded, an anxious beat that only grew louder as she tried to push her way through the people celebrating someone she’d spent years trying to forget.

As she turned a corner, she caught sight of one of the biggest posters yet: Luka’s face, looking out over the city, a larger-than-life reminder of someone who was everywhere and nowhere at once. The cheerful words “Happy Birthday Luka!” blared out at her, a message meant for his fans but feeling as if it were directed squarely at her, taunting her with memories she’d tried to bury.

She stopped in her tracks, chest tight, each breath feeling heavier than the last. A cold sweat broke over her skin, and her vision blurred, the world around her turning into a swirl of lights, colors, and noise. Her thoughts were racing, spiraling- memories of the last time they’d celebrated his birthday together, and the years of loneliness that followed, the feeling of being abandoned by everyone she had ever cared for while he was swept away by fame. She wanted to escape, to tear down the posters, to find a quiet place far from here, far from him.

Her hand reached out to the wall beside her, desperate for support as her knees felt weak, her whole body trembling. The noise of the city faded, replaced by the loud drumming of her own pulse. She closed her eyes, trying to steady herself, but the memories rushed in too quickly, each one sharper and more painful than the last.

Finally, as her breathing came in shuddering gasps, she forced herself to open her eyes and focus on something small, something real and grounding: a patch of concrete, her own hand clutching her coat, a passerby’s footsteps fading into the distance. Slowly, painfully, she managed to catch her breath, the suffocating weight beginning to ease just enough for her to take a step back from the edge.

Hyuna stood there for a moment longer, feeling the cold air bite against her skin, a sensation that helped her back to her senses, grounding her back into the present. The reminders of Luka were relentless, each turn revealing another ad, another fan, another reminder of how far he’d come- and how far he’d left her behind and its cost. The ache in her chest was almost physical, a bruising pressure that made her feel smal. She felt like she was shrinking in the crowd, as if the city itself were pushing her down.

Her eyes landed on a sliver of sky above, framed by tall buildings. It looked distant, untouched by all the lights and noise below. It reminded her of a simpler time, the memories she had with Luka, before everything got complicated. She remembered the nights they’d spent talking about their dreams and their fears, how he’d promised he’d always stay in touch, that no matter what happened, they’d never lose each other.

Yet here she was, alone in an alleyway on his birthday, haunted by memories that felt more like ghosts than friends.

A shiver ran through her, and she pressed her lips together, a fierce determination building within her, cutting through the haze of hurt. She was done being haunted. She took a deep, steadying breath and straightened, glancing one last time at the glowing lights in the distance, the soft murmurs of his name echoing in the city. She turned, heading back toward the main street, her steps lighter than before. She had her own life to live, her own path to walk. Whatever Luka was doing, wherever he was right now- he had to move on, accept that Hyuna would no longer be there for him.

-

Luka sat on the big, plush couch, the dim glow of the chandelier casting a soft light over the room as his adoptive father, Heperu, read another birthday card, this one from a luxury brand ambassador. Boxes and packages surrounded him, gifts from celebrities, executives, and brands- names he recognized but people he’d never even met.

“And this one’s from Han Industries,” Heperu said, his voice filled with pride as he scanned the gold-embossed card. “They say they’re looking forward to working with you on their upcoming line. They even wrote a whole paragraph about how you’re redefining the image of youth. See? This is what I mean, Luka. Adopting you when you were sixteen- best decision I ever made. Look at what you’ve done. Look at what you’re becoming.”

Luka forced a smile, nodding slightly, but his heart felt heavy, his chest hollow. He glanced at the elaborate arrangements around him- the carefully curated decor, the designer gifts, the congratulatory notes all handwritten by people who’d only ever seen his face on screens or posters. People who saw him as an asset, a symbol, something to elevate their brands, but never simply as himself. Not the way Hyuna had seen him once.

Heperu leaned in, his eyes twinkling with pride. “Imagine, Luka- just ten years ago, none of this was here. We took a chance on you, a risky investment, and now you’re the most sought-after idol. Don’t you feel proud of everything we’ve built?”

Luka looked at him, though not quite seeing through his father. Heperu’s fingers were tightening around the edge of the birthday card he was holding as he looked at Luka- he didn’t see him like a son he was proud of. He was a trophy, nothing more, nothin less.

The truth was, Luka didn’t feel pride. He was...used, like a piece in someone else’s game. He knew Heperu had always seen him as an investment, a talent to be polished and displayed, a means to reach a greater status. Even on his birthday, he felt less like a person and more like a figurehead in a carefully controlled empire.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, forcing himself to focus on Heperu’s gaze. “I'm grateful, really.”

Heperu laughed, reaching over to pat Luka’s shoulder. “That’s the spirit. You’ve always been grateful, Luka, and that’s what makes you different from the others. That’s why I chose to adopt, after all. If you were my biological son, you would’ve been a brat.” His laughter grew. “I mean, look at the fame you’ve achieved in such a short time. There’s not a single fan out there who doesn’t adore you.”

Luka’s smile grew more strained, but he kept it in place. He’d heard these words countless times, and though he was grateful for the life he’d been given, each affirmation only seemed to deepen the emptiness inside him. He wasn’t ungrateful; he understood the privileges he had, the opportunities that had come his way. But no one ever asked how he was holding up under it all, or if this version of his life was one he’d ever wanted.

He glanced at the heap of unopened gifts piled around him, a colorful fortress of wrapping paper and ribbon, each one a token from people who only knew the idol he’d been shaped into. Inside, he felt miles away from all of it. His mind drifted to memories from before, the days when he’d been just another kid in an orphanage, when his life was shaped by everyday struggles, hopes, and small connections.

“So, what do you think?” Heperu’s voice pulled him back to the present. “How about a live stream tonight to thank your fans? We can set it up here with the gifts as a backdrop. It’ll give them a taste of the celebration.”

The suggestion felt like the final touch to his cage. Luka took a deep breath, trying to swallow the sharp prick of frustration that was rising within him. “Sure,” he replied, forcing his tone to remain upbeat. “It’ll be...nice to connect with them.”

Heperu nodded approvingly, oblivious to the quiet resignation in Luka’s eyes. “That’s my boy,” he said, beaming. “And remember, you’ve got to keep that charm on full display. They’re all watching you.”

Luka’s fingers curled around the edge of the couch. He knew what he wanted -the freedom to exist for himself, to define his own worth and be seen beyond the persona… and it was as distant as ever.

As Heperu continued to discuss plans for his next appearance, Luka felt himself drifting into silence, the room around him fading into a blur. All he could hear was the silent, unspoken question in his heart: Would there ever be a version of his life that belonged to him, and not to the world that only wanted him to be their star?

Chapter 19: more than faith

Summary:

Sua stood at the center of the stage, bathed in the soft glow of the spotlight as she gripped the microphone. The soft chords of the instruments filled the air, and she closed her eyes briefly, steadying herself as the first notes of "Sweet Dream" began. This song was everything- her prayer, her plea, her confession.

The morning of the fundraiser dawned bright, dusting of snow coating the city, giving everything a magical quality. The school was already buzzing with activity as students, teachers, and volunteers scurried around, setting up the final decorations and arranging tables in the main hall before all the parents arrived. Lights twinkled along the walls, casting a soft, festive glow, and garlands hung from the doorways, filling the space with a quiet sense of anticipation.

Mizi arrived early, bundled in her coat as she stepped inside, her breath fogging in the chilly air. She glanced around at the transformed school, her heart fluttering with excitement. This was the day Sua had been practicing for, the day she’d be on stage, singing in front of everyone. Mizi knew that for Sua, it was more than just a performance.

The air was filled with murmured conversations, laughter, and the soft hum of music playing over the speakers. Ivan and Till appeared, each carrying stacks of programs for the event, their banter blending with the general chatter as they worked together, clearly caught up in the excitement of the day. Mizi watched them for a moment, feeling a warmth settle over her at the sight of her friends.

As she moved through the hall, setting up little touches to make the space feel welcoming, she caught a glimpse of Sua across the room, arranging sheet music and checking over last-minute details for her performance. 

Mizi took a deep breath and made her way over to where Sua was standing, adjusting the sheet music one last time. Sua was dressed simply but elegantly, her hair down with a white head piece, and Mizi couldn’t help but notice the determination in her eyes as she prepared herself.

“Hey,” Mizi greeted softly, reaching out to help Sua adjust one of the decorations on the piano nearby. “You look amazing… and ready.”

Sua smiled, her cheeks tinged pink from both the compliment and the chill in the air. “Thanks, Mizi. I’m… a little nervous, to be honest,” she admitted, her fingers fiddling with the edge of the sheet music.

“You’re going to be incredible,” Mizi reassured her, touching her hand lightly. “Besides, I’ll be right here cheering you on.”

Sua’s smile softened, and she squeezed Mizi’s hand in return, the small gesture grounding her. “Thank you… I think that makes it a lot less scary.”

Mizi stood by until a teacher called Sua, telling her the doors had opened, meaning the parents and guests began arriving. That was Sua’s cue to leave for the backstage, as she gave a goodbye wave to Mizi before leaving alongside her teacher. The school’s entryway became a scene of polite introductions, with teachers guiding the guests inside and students greeting families with programs and warm smiles. Mizi spotted familiar faces among the crowd, classmates with their parents, some exchanging greetings with teachers, others looking around, visibly impressed by the transformation of the school.

Hyuna arrived not long after, accompanied by Shine, the headmistress of the orphanage, who’d allowed her to attend as Mizi and Till’s guardian for the event. They exchanged warm smiles and nods as they joined the crowd, Hyuna giving Mizi and Till an encouraging wave from across the room.

“Wow, this place is actually beautiful,” Hyuna whispered to Mizi as she made her way over. 

Mizi grinned. “It really is,” she replied, her gaze shifting to Till, as Shine was shaking hands with Ivan. “Just hoping Sua knows how many people are rooting for her tonight.”

Hyuna paused, her gaze sliding towards where Mizi was looking, and her eyes focused on Ivan as she took him in for the first time. There was a glint of recognition in her eyes, though she kept her expression neutral, as if she couldn’t quite place where she might have seen him before. As Ivan and Till came closer with Shine by their side, Ivan noticed her looking and offered a friendly smile, holding out his hand.

“Hey, you must be Hyuna,” he said. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Mizi and Till.”

“Nice to meet you,” Hyuna replied, shaking his hand warmly, though her gaze flickered with subtle curiosity. “You seem… familiar, but maybe it’s just me,” she added with a slight shrug, brushing the thought away for the moment.

Shine stepped forward, catching Hyuna’s expression, and gave her a reassuring smile. “I’ll leave you all to enjoy the fundraiser. I’ll be with the other parents if you need me.” She gave Mizi and Till a warm look before heading toward the gathering of parents, offering polite introductions and joining the conversations going around the hall.

Once Shine had moved on, the rest of the group began to wander through the event together. The school hall was beautifully decorated, with twinkling lights and wreaths hanging on the walls, creating a festive ambiance. Ivan walked beside Hyuna, and Till and Mizi shared a few quiet jokes as they passed by tables filled with refreshments, crafts, and holiday treats.

“Honestly, I’m impressed,” Hyuna said, glancing around. “You all really went all out.”

“Not just us, but yeah, we had to,” Till replied with a grin. “Otherwise, we’d never hear the end of it from Mizi. She’s been plotting this in her sleep, the perfect moment to confess to Sua and all.”

Mizi rolled her eyes, nudging him with her elbow. “Shut up,” she said playfully, smiling. 

Till chuckled, dodging her playful nudge. "What? Just saying. Someone had to keep you from turning this into an all-out holiday festival."

Ivan smirked, leaning into the banter. “Yeah, I caught her one night drawing plans for a Santa sleigh display. Had to talk her down.”

Mizi scoffed, crossing her arms. "I was just being thorough! Besides, who wouldn’t want a sleigh photo booth?”

Hyuna laughed, shaking her head as she observed their dynamic. “Honestly, Mizi, I think it would’ve been adorable,” she said, her voice warm with approval. “You’re giving these people some incredible memories.”

Mizi softened at Hyuna’s words, a bit of pride warming her cheeks. She glanced at Ivan and Till with a playful smirk. “See? At least someone appreciates my vision.”

They wandered from table to table, sharing laughs over everything from hand-decorated holiday cookies to student-made crafts, the easy camaraderie between them keeping their spirits light.

As they approached the stage area, decorated with glimmering garlands and lit with soft, golden lights, Mizi’s eyes drifted toward the curtain, imagining Sua backstage, preparing for her performance. Her heart gave a familiar flutter, a mix of excitement and nerves she couldn’t quite shake.

Then, just as they were admiring a miniature tree decorated with student-made ornaments, Marty appeared from around the corner, slightly out of breath.

"Mizi!” he called, his face lighting up as he caught sight of her. “Sua’s asking for you. She’s backstage and wants to see you before the performance.”

Mizi’s eyes widened, a mix of surprise and excitement filling her. She exchanged a quick look with Hyuna, who gave her an encouraging nod, and Ivan and Till, who grinned knowingly.

“Go on, Mizi,” Ivan said, patting her shoulder. “It’s the moment you’ve been plotting in your sleep, remember?”

Mizi shot him a look but couldn’t keep her stupid smile off her face as she turned to follow Marty. Her heart raced as she made her way toward the stage, the laughter and teasing from her friends fading behind her, replaced by the steady drumbeat of anticipation. This was her chance- her moment to see Sua, to let her know just how much she meant, no matter what might come next.

Mizi slipped backstage, Marty leaving after pointing out where Sua was. Her heart was pounding as she spotted Sua, who looked up from her sheet music with a bright smile and immediately moved forward, wrapping Mizi in a warm hug. The embrace was tight, and Mizi felt Sua’s breath a little shaky against her shoulder.

“Mizi,” Sua whispered, holding on as if gathering strength from the hug. “I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve never felt this nervous before.”

Mizi hugged her back, feeling the soft warmth of her friend’s arms around her. “You’re going to be amazing, Sua. I know it. Everyone’s here to see you shine, and I’ll be right here cheering you on.”

Sua pulled back slightly, her cheeks flushed, a nervous but grateful smile on her face. “You… really always know what to say.” she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper as she held Mizi’s gaze, fingers brushing lightly against Mizi’s as they separated.

Mizi squeezed her hand reassuringly. “I’ll be just a few steps away. You’ve got this.”

Just then, Sua’s teacher approached, clipboard in hand, signaling for her to get ready. “Sua, we’re about to start,” she said briskly, glancing at her clipboard. “Take your place, and let’s make this unforgettable, okay?” She started the countdown as she turned her back, signalling the other students with her hands as well. “Three… two…”

Sua’s eyes held Mizi’s, and just as the countdown began, she leaned in, pressing a soft kiss against Mizi’s lips. The touch was light but charged, grounding Mizi in a moment that felt both fleeting and endless.

“One,” the teacher said, oblivious, just as Sua pulled back, her gaze lingering on Mizi for a second longer, filled with warmth and vulnerability.

Then Sua took a steadying breath, straightened, and stepped onto the stage, leaving Mizi behind, heart pounding, lips tingling, and mind racing with the memory of the unexpected kiss.

-

Sua stood at the center of the stage, bathed in the soft glow of the spotlight as she gripped the microphone. The soft chords of the instruments filled the air, and she closed her eyes briefly, steadying herself as the first notes of "Sweet Dream" began. This song was everything- her prayer, her plea, her confession.

As she opened her mouth to sing, her voice floated out, strong yet fragile, carrying her emotions to everyone listening.

“There aren't any words that I could say anymore now
It has no meaning...”

Her voice resonated, and in the quiet of her heart, Sua felt the weight of the words, as if they echoed her own struggles. Lord, please... she thought. Each line brought memories of her parents, her upbringing, and the constant pressure to be perfect, to fit the mold they’d created for her. She could almost feel their watchful eyes from the audience, wondering if her performance was flawless enough, graceful enough, good enough.

“Even that night, so blue with splendid light
Even this white dress of mine is dyed red...”

Her mind drifted, and Mizi’s face flashed in her thoughts, just as vivid as the spotlight around her. Mizi, who had been so present, so steady, who’d made her feel seen in a way that no one else had. She thought of the warmth of their moments together, the way Mizi had hugged her backstage, the way she looked at her with encouragement instead of expectation.

She swallowed, singing with all her heart that trembled slightly on each note. 

“And the morning, it does not seem like it is coming...”

It felt like she was laying her heart bare before everyone, and yet, only Mizi would truly understand what this song meant to her. It was her prayer—her plea to the universe, to God, to herself. She wanted to know if what she felt was wrong, if her growing love for Mizi was something she had to hide. She wasn’t sure if she could reconcile her faith with what her heart wanted.

“Now, if only all this were just a dream…”

For a fleeting second, she imagined Mizi’s arms around her, offering the comfort and assurance that her prayers had never brought. Mizi was like a soft light in the darkness, something steady in a world that felt like it was slipping from her grasp.

“It’s a sweet dream,
It’s happening today, wait for me...”

As the chorus swelled, her voice rose with it, filled with a mix of desperation and longing. She wanted something, someone to save her from this, to make her feel like she was enough, that she could belong somewhere without hiding parts of herself.

“Lord, please, when this song is over,
Come and save me from this, please.”

Each word felt like a confession, a request for acceptance that went beyond her family, her upbringing, even her own beliefs. She was laying it all out, the delicate threads of her identity, her dreams, her fears. She wondered if God was listening, if Mizi could feel the depth of her cries from the backstage.

“My father, my universe
Take away this small and weak me...”

The weight of the lyrics fell over her shoulders, and she felt her eyes sting, the pressure building. The song felt like her way of expressing everything she could never say aloud: to her parents, to Mizi, even to herself.

“The edge of a cliff, that’s where I’m standing.”

The words came out almost like a cry, an admission of her fears. She felt as though she was shaking, unsure of what step to take next, if she would be caught or left to fall. 

“Now, I live in darkness, bring me brightness...”

The final notes filled the room, and as her voice softened, her heart beat with a strange hope. She wanted to be seen, to be understood, not just by her parents or by her God, but by the person who made her feel like she didn’t have to hide. The song ended, her plea fading into silence as she stood there, breathless, waiting for something -anything- that would tell her she was on the right path.

As the applause echoed through the auditorium, Sua took a shaky breath and lowered the microphone, feeling the lingering pulse of the music still thudding in her chest. She gave a small bow, her eyes scanning the audience just long enough to catch a glimpse of her parents proud, beaming face before she turned and made her way offstage.

Backstage, a few teachers and the choir director offered her warm compliments. “Beautiful performance, Sua,” one teacher said with a soft smile, “You put so much heart into it.”

Sua blushed, offering a quiet “Thank you.” as she accepted their praise. But her thoughts were elsewhere, her heart still racing from the song and the memory of the quick, impulsive kiss she’d given Mizi before stepping on stage. She hadn’t even looked back to see Mizi’s reaction, and now, she felt a flutter of nerves wondering how Mizi had taken it.

The backstage area gradually cleared, and as the last of the teachers moved away, Sua turned to see Mizi waiting just a few steps away, her eyes full of warmth and something deeper that made Sua’s cheeks flush even more.

“Hey,” Mizi greeted softly, stepping closer. "You were amazing up there.”

Sua opened her mouth to respond but felt her voice catch, her mind replaying the kiss and wondering if she should apologize or explain. But Mizi’s gaze was so open, so encouraging, that Sua found herself smiling instead. “Thank you… I was really nervous,” she admitted, fidgeting slightly as she brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Mizi held her gaze, seeming to understand. “Want to go somewhere quieter to talk?”

Sua nodded, grateful for the offer, and they slipped out of the bustling backstage area and through the quieter corridors of the school. Mizi led her to an empty classroom down the hall, its dim, cozy atmosphere a perfect contrast to the vibrant, lively event outside. They stepped inside, and Mizi closed the door gently behind them.

For a moment, they simply stood there, facing each other, neither quite knowing how to begin. Sua’s heart raced, the memory of her impulsive kiss still fresh in her mind. She could feel her cheeks warm under Mizi’s gaze, and she looked down, feeling vulnerable and uncertain.

Mizi broke the silence first, her voice soft. “I… wasn’t expecting that kiss,” she said, her lips curving into a shy smile. “But I can’t say I didn’t like it.”

Sua’s blush deepened, but a small, relieved smile crept onto her face as she looked up, meeting Mizi’s eyes. “I just… I couldn’t leave without letting you know,” she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. “This night, this song… It felt like I was singing it for you.”

Mizi took a step closer, her eyes softening as she reached out, gently taking Sua’s hands in her own. “I’m glad you did,” she whispered, her thumb brushing over Sua’s knuckles, her touch warm and grounding. “I think… I’ve been waiting for this. For us.”

As the quiet of the classroom settled around them, Mizi felt her heart pounding in her chest, her gaze lingering on Sua’s soft, hopeful expression. There was something tender in the way Sua looked at her, something that felt like an invitation. Taking a deep breath, Mizi stepped forward, her hands gently cupping Sua’s face, and she leaned in, closing the distance between them.

Their lips met in a soft, hesitant kiss, one that quickly melted into something deeper. Sua’s hands found their way to Mizi’s waist, pulling her closer, and Mizi responded eagerly, feeling as though the world outside had disappeared, leaving only the warmth of Sua’s touch and the soft press of her lips.

They pulled back for a brief moment, breathless, their foreheads resting together. Mizi’s fingers traced gently along Sua’s jawline as she whispered, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.”

Sua’s cheeks flushed, a shy smile spreading across her face as she murmured, “Me too… I just… I didn’t know if it was okay to feel this way.”

Mizi leaned in, pressing another kiss to Sua’s lips, her voice a soft promise between them. “It’s more than okay. I think… I think it’s perfect.”

Their lips met again, this time with more confidence, as if the hesitation and doubts had melted away. Their hands explored each other, gentle but eager, as if trying to make up for the time they’d spent holding back. In between kisses, their whispered words filled the small space around them.

“I’m so glad it’s you, Mizi,” Sua murmured, her voice thick with emotion, her fingers trailing along Mizi’s cheek.

Mizi smiled against her lips, her fingers tangling in Sua’s hair. “You’re everything I have ever needed, Sua,” she whispered, her words carrying all the emotions she’d kept hidden for so long.

They lost themselves in each other, each kiss deepening their connection, each touch grounding them in the here and now. Time seemed to stand still as they shared this moment, the rest of the world fading away as they finally allowed themselves to be vulnerable, to be open, to be seen.

As they finally pulled back, breathless and flushed, Sua glanced up at Mizi, a playful smile breaking through the tenderness of the moment. Then, suddenly, she burst into laughter, her hand flying to her mouth to stifle the giggles.

Mizi’s brows got closer in confusion, her heart still racing, but the warmth of Sua’s laughter was contagious. “What?” she asked, trying not to smile herself. “What’s so funny?”

Sua reached out, gently touching Mizi’s cheek as she laughed. “It’s just… my lipstick,” she managed between laughs, her eyes sparkling with amusement. “It’s all over your face. You look like… I don’t even know, but it’s adorable.”

Mizi’s eyes widened, and she couldn’t help but laugh, a blush creeping up her cheeks. “Oh no…” she murmured, glancing around as if looking for a mirror. “I bet I look ridiculous.”

Sua shook her head, still giggling as she reached into her bag and pulled out a tissue, gently dabbing at the smudged lipstick on Mizi’s face. “It’s cute,” she murmured, her voice softening as her fingers traced Mizi’s cheek, a lingering touch that made them both smile. “You’re cute.”

Mizi flushed (as if it was possible to get redder than she already was) and she managed a chuckle. “Guess we got a little carried away,” Mizi said, a teasing glint in her eye as she held Sua’s gaze, leaning into her touch.

Sua’s smile softened, her fingers brushing lightly against Mizi’s skin. “Maybe just a little,” she admitted, her voice barely a whisper. “But I don’t mind. Not even a little.”

Mizi’s laughter melted into a quiet smile, and they shared a look filled with both playfulness and warmth, the echoes of their kiss lingering in the shared silence between them.

Chapter 20: moments

Summary:

Their laughter slowly settled lower, as Sua and Mizi talked about going back inside to make some tea or coffee, Ivan’s gaze drifted to Till as his hair moved due to the wind and got even messier. Something caught his eye- a small glint of silver that he hadn’t noticed before. Leaning in, Ivan squinted. “Wait… did you pierce your ear?”

Till’s cheeks flushed a bit, but he shrugged. “Oh, that? Yeah, got it done a while back. Just felt like a change, you know?”

Ivan, without thinking, reached up, fingers brushing against Till’s earlobe, where the small, silver piercing sat. “It actually suits you,” Ivan murmured, his tone softer, almost intrigued. He gently traced the edge of Till’s ear, his fingers lingering just a bit longer than necessary.

Till’s breath caught, his cheeks flushing a deep shade of red as he tried to stay casual, though he could feel the warmth spreading across his face. “Uh… yeah? Thanks, I guess,” he stammered, his usual confidence faltering under Ivan’s touch.

Till settled into his favorite spot by the window, fingers idly strumming his guitar. He was in his pyjamas, the soft moonlight cast a cool glow across the room, and he let his fingers drift over the strings, experimenting with a gentle, soothing melody as he waited for Mizi. The familiar notes filled the space, making him feel safe. Soon enough, he heard her quick footsteps approaching, and a small smile crept onto his face.

“Till!” Mizi’s voice was bright, her cheeks flushed as she came over, eyes practically shining. She took a seat across from him, leaning forward with an energy he hadn’t seen in a while.

“Here we go,” Till muttered under his breath, still strumming as he glanced up at her. “Something tells me this isn’t just a regular chat.”

“Oh, stop,” Mizi replied, swatting at his knee playfully. “But… maybe you’re right.” She lowered her voice, the excitement still evident. “I mean, I’ve been dying to tell you.”

Till rolled his eyes dramatically, still playing a lighthearted tune. “Don’t keep me waiting then. I’m on the edge of my seat here.”

Mizi didn’t need more encouragement. She launched into the story, her words coming in bursts as she recounted the moments with Sua from the fundraiser- the little glances, the hug backstage, the unexpected kiss that caught her completely off-guard, the make out session in the classroom. Till listened, occasionally humming a response, tossing in the occasional comment.

“She kissed you? Oh, big moment, huh?” he teased, sliding into a slower rhythm on his guitar to match the drama in his voice. “Did you faint or something?”

“Ha-ha,” Mizi shot back, rolling her eyes. “Actually, I almost did. You have no idea, Till, it was just… incredible.” She hugged her knees, her smile softening. “It felt like I was in my own world, you know?”

Till plucked a few playful notes, leaning back with a smirk. “So, you’ve got it bad, huh? This is officially next level?”

Mizi blushed, laughing as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Yeah… I guess I do.”

As she spoke, he found himself genuinely enjoying her story, the details of each look and touch as Mizi explained how it all finally came together with Sua. He let his fingers shift into a slower, softer melody, watching her with a quiet interest. He’d always imagined that if something like this ever happened, he’d feel… something, a tug of jealousy or frustration. But as she laughed and shared each detail, he realized all he felt was calm- a comfortable, even happy feeling settling in as he listened to her.

“So, Sua’s all you think about now?” he teased, his voice light as he slid his fingers into a gentle rhythm. “What, I don’t even get a little credit for cheering you up all these years?”

Mizi laughed, nudging his arm. “Till, I think I owe you endless credit for that. You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for.”

He rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t keep back his smile. “Don’t go getting all mushy on me now. It’s enough hearing about you two getting all cozy.”

They laughed, sharing an easy silence as he kept playing. The room filled with the soft sound of his guitar, a peaceful backdrop to their conversation. Gradually, he realized that his heart felt lighter, a warmth growing as he watched Mizi, genuinely happy for her in a way that surprised him. She looked at ease, like she’d found something she’d been searching for, and somehow, that was enough for him.

After a while, he looked up at her, letting his fingers slow on the strings. “You know… I’m really happy for you, Mizi,” he said quietly, the words genuine. “And I mean that.”

She looked back at him, her expression softening. “I’m so glad you’re here. You’ve always been there for me.”

He gave a slight nod, his fingers resuming a soft melody as he looked back down at his guitar, a peaceful smile on his lips. In that moment, he knew their friendship was right where it needed to be, and that was all he could ever want.

-

It was a cold evening, snow coating all over the city, and everyone seemed to be glowing under the silver light that reflected from the moon. Mizi, Till, and Ivan had planned to meet up by Ivan’s house, to console Mizi in case things didn’t go right- but now that Sua and her were together, the plans had changed to just enjoying the crisp night air in the large balcony of the penthouse, which felt a lot like the rooftop but it was much higher than the school building. And somehow, they (mainly Mizi) even managed to rope Sua into joining them. The four of them huddled together in the chilly air, wrapped in jackets and blankets as they shared laughs and stories under the open sky.

“I don’t know why we didn’t buy hot chocolate mix,” Mizi mused, pulling her blanket closer. “It’s freezing.”

Till smirked, nudging her. “You’re the one who wanted to stargaze. Besides, with Sua here, you’re probably plenty warm already.”

Mizi’s cheeks went pink as she elbowed Till. “Keep it up, and I’m pushing you off this roof,” she threatened, though her grin betrayed her.

Ivan grinned. “Please, like you weren’t completely obvious about it. No one even told me and I was more aware than Till, I even knew you had a crush on Sua way before Till.”

There was a pause as Sua’s eyes widened, her cheeks flushing. “Wait… everyone knew?” she asked, glancing between them.

Mizi groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Uhmm…” she muttered. “Can’t we just pretend I was a nonchalant, unreadable person?”

“Not a chance,” Till said, laughing. “The way you’d get all quiet and red anytime Sua’s name came up? It was practically written on your forehead.”

Ivan nodded in agreement, smirking. “Honestly, Mizi, you could’ve saved yourself a lot of anxiety by just saying something earlier.”

Till leaned back against the railing, grinning as he pulled the blanket around his shoulders all around himself. “And to think, after all that pining, you didn’t even make the first move,” he teased, his gray hair sparkling from the lights of the city. “I mean, really, Mizi, what was that about?”

Mizi shot him a look, cheeks flaming, but before she could say anything, Sua turned to her, eyebrows raised in surprise. “You told Till everything?” she asked, tone sounding like a mock betrayal. “So he knew this whole time too?”

Mizi laughed nervously, her eyes darting between Sua and Till. “Okay, okay, maybe I told him… a little bit of how we got together,” she admitted, holding her fingers up as if to show just a tiny bit. “He might have been my… unofficial advisor.”

Till narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, and by ‘unofficial advisor,’ she means she was practically begging for advice without actually following any of it.”

“Hey!” Mizi shot back, elbowing Till again. “I needed emotional support, okay? Everyone knew how terrified I was!”

Sua chuckled, leaning into Mizi as she tucked her hands into her own coat pockets. “So you just spilled your heart to Till, among all of your friends? The one that’s the most unreliable?” she teased, though her tone was warm and amused.

Till clutched his chest in mock offense, his eyes wide as everyone laughed around him. “Unreliable? Me? Just because I wasn’t Mizi’s favorite person anymore doesn’t mean I went into hiding,” he protested, raising his hands dramatically. “I was just, you know, giving her some space.”

Ivan grinned, nudging him lightly. “Sure, Till, you were just giving her space. Totally not sulking at all, right?”

“Oh, please!” Mizi said with a high pitched tone, rolling her eyes with a smirk. “I distinctly remember a certain someone pouting any time I chose to sit with you guys, leaving him alone.”

Till raised an eyebrow, trying to keep his cool. “Listen, I wasn’t pouting. I was… observing from a respectful distance.”

Sua chuckled, folding her arms as she gave him a look. “Oh really? Because I remember you being pretty offended whenever Mizi’s attention was somewhere else.”

Till threw his hands up, groaning. “You guys are relentless! I wasn’t offended- just… keeping my options open as the resident best friend.”

The group burst into laughter, and Till shook his head, trying to hide his grin. “Okay, fine, keep laughing. I’m an incredible friend, and one day you’ll all realize it.”

Their laughter slowly settled lower, as Sua and Mizi talked about going back inside to make some tea or coffee, Ivan’s gaze drifted to Till as his hair moved due to the wind and got even messier. Something caught his eye- a small glint of silver that he hadn’t noticed before. Leaning in, Ivan squinted. “Wait… did you pierce your ear?”

Till’s cheeks flushed a bit, but he shrugged. “Oh, that? Yeah, got it done a while back. Just felt like a change, you know?”

Ivan, without thinking, reached up, fingers brushing against Till’s earlobe, where the small, silver piercing sat. “It actually suits you,” Ivan murmured, his tone softer, almost intrigued. He gently traced the edge of Till’s ear, his fingers lingering just a bit longer than necessary.

Till’s breath caught, his cheeks flushing a deep shade of red as he tried to stay casual, though he could feel the warmth spreading across his face. “Uh… yeah? Thanks, I guess,” he stammered, his usual confidence faltering under Ivan’s touch.

Ivan’s eyes stayed on Till’s ear, as though he was taking in every detail of the new piercing. “I didn’t take you for the earring type,” he added, his voice light but with a hint of genuine admiration.

“Surprise, surprise,” Till mumbled sarcastically, attempting a smirk even as his face heated up. “Got to keep you all guessing, right?”

Ivan chuckled, his fingers brushing down from Till’s ear to his jaw before he pulled back, seemingly reluctant to let go. “Well, it looks good. Maybe I’ll have to keep an eye out for more of these surprises.”

Till swallowed, his heart racing as he tried to play it cool. “Oh, please. Like I’d give you the satisfaction,” he replied, nudging Ivan lightly with his shoulder.

But Ivan didn’t move away, instead smiling as his gaze lingered on Till’s flushed face, clearly entertained by his reaction. The brief touch left a spark in the air, and as their friends chatted in the background, neither seemed quite ready to move away.

As Ivan finally let his hand drop, a smirk played at the corners of his mouth. “Didn’t expect you to get so shy, Till,” he teased, his tone light.

“Shy? Me?” Till scoffed, rubbing his earlobe as if brushing off the moment. “I just didn’t think my earring would be such a showstopper. Thought you’d seen enough of me to be unfazed by now,” he adde.

“Oh, we’ve all seen enough,” Mizi suddenly spoke, returning with a mug of tea in hand. She leaned in close, giving Till a playful squint. “But apparently, we’ve missed the fact that you’re secretly an earring model.”

Till rolled his eyes as he took the mug from her. “Alright, that’s enough roasting. This was your idea to begin with.”

Ivan chuckled, crossing his arms with a small grin. “So, what’s next? Nipple piercings? A hidden tattoo?”

Till snorted, shaking his head. “But you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Noted,” Ivan said with a smirk, clinking his mug against Till’s. The rest of them chuckled as they settled back, the easy banter between friends filling the chilly night air.

-

Till had been haunted by a memory -something half-remembered, half-dreamed- ever since he’d started spending more time at Ivan’s house. It was like a nostalgic hallucination, slipping in and out of focus, with details so vivid that he wasn’t sure if they were real or just figments his mind had fantasized.

Each time, it was the same. He found himself in this vibrant garden, filled with bushes of flowers in colors he didn’t even know could exist. Everything was carefully looked after, each flower blooming, deeply rooted, and thriving in its place. The door he had come through was intricately carved, elegant in a way that made him feel like he didn’t quite belong.

As he wandered, his eyes fell on a single flower lying on the ground, its petals bruised, its stem twisted like it had been pulled from the earth and carelessly discarded. An ache of sadness hit him, rising up from his chest. Everything else here was so beautiful, each plant connected to its roots, soaking up all the things it needed to grow- light, water, warmth. But this one flower was torn from that, left to wither, alone and out of place.

He knelt beside it, reaching out gently, feeling an odd ache for the little bloom. This single broken flower, so far from where it belonged, made him feel strange. He understood it and the flower, somehow, understood him.

He felt his bottom lip start to tremble, the ache in his chest swelling as he knelt beside the broken flower. Taking a shaky breath, he leaned in close, whispering softly, almost to himself, words he’d wished someone had told him back then.

“Cheer up, cheer up…” His voice was barely a whisper, like a lullaby meant to comfort them both.

Just then, a boy appeared beside him, about his own age, dressed in clothes so polished they seemed to glow. The boy’s face was kind, his bowl-cut framing his big, curious eyes. Without a word, he knelt down next to Till, glancing at the flower with a tender expression, and then back at Till, as if understanding something unspoken.

“Cheer up, cheer up…” the boy echoed, his voice soft but reassuring, joining Till in his quiet chant. They both stayed there, side by side, voices mingling in a gentle rhythm as they murmured to the tiny flower.

“What are you two losers doing now?” a voice came from nearby, snapping Till out of the quiet moment. He looked up, frustration bubbling over as he saw another boy sneering at them from a short distance away.

“What?!” Till barked, his voice sharper than he intended, the anger rising faster than he could contain it.

The boy just stuck his tongue out, laughing as he ran off back inside. Till felt his fists clench, emotions piling on top of each othe. Beside him, the bowl-cut boy looked up at him, tilting his head with innocent curiosity.

“What’s a loser?” he asked softly.

Till exhaled hard, the word lodging in his chest as he turned back to the boy, the sharp edge still in his voice. “A loser is a moron without any friends,” he spat out. “You moron.”

The boy stayed quiet, absorbing the words in a way that made Till feel a strange twist in his stomach. After a moment, the boy mumbled, barely above a whisper, “Then that’s you, right?”

Till felt something snap. He was tired- tired of feeling small, of holding back everything that hurt. Before he could stop himself, he swung his hand, a quick, rough motion that left his palm stinging as he smacked the boy beside him.

The shock of what he’d done hit him almost instantly, but he couldn’t face it, couldn’t face the look on the boy’s face. Without a word, he stomped away, blinking hard to keep the tears at bay as he made his way back toward the ballroom.

Unknowing to him, left alone, the boy with the bowl cut lay back on the grass, staring up at the darkening sky. Slowly, he brought a hand to his cheek, his voice a soft murmur as he whispered to himself.

“Cheer up, cheer up…”

Chapter 21: snow

Summary:

He exhaled, running a hand through his hair, realizing his mind had drifted -again- to Ivan. Ever since that night on the balcony, Ivan’s face had kept sneaking into his thoughts, the warmth in his gaze, the casual way he’d leaned in close. There was something about it that made Till uneasy, a tension that knotted in his stomach every time he remembered the way Ivan had traced his earring, eyes lingering in a way that felt too intense, too real.

It frustrated him, honestly. His connection with Mizi was always easy, light, something he could trust to make him feel safe and comforted. But Ivan… everything with Ivan felt like stepping out of his comfort zone, like he couldn’t hide the parts of himself he was so used to burying. With Ivan, he felt like he was seen in ways he wasn’t ready to be. And somehow, that made him feel exposed, like he couldn’t control what Ivan saw or thought of him.

The orphanage was peaceful in the early morning, the kind of quiet that felt almost fragile. His roommates were asleep, while Till sat cross-legged on his bed, his guitar resting beside him, fingers idly tracing over the strings without making noise. Outside, dawn was just beginning to break, casting a cool, gray light through the thin curtains. Normally, this was his favorite time- before everyone else woke up, before he had to interact with people. But today, that familiar comfort felt strangely out of reach.

He exhaled, running a hand through his hair, realizing his mind had drifted -again- to Ivan. Ever since that night on the balcony, Ivan’s face had kept sneaking into his thoughts, the warmth in his gaze, the casual way he’d leaned in close. There was something about it that made Till uneasy, a tension that knotted in his stomach every time he remembered the way Ivan had traced his earring, eyes lingering in a way that felt too intense, too real.

It frustrated him, honestly. His connection with Mizi was always easy, light, something he could trust to make him feel safe and comforted. But Ivan… everything with Ivan felt like stepping out of his comfort zone, like he couldn’t hide the parts of himself he was so used to burying. With Ivan, he felt like he was seen in ways he wasn’t ready to be. And somehow, that made him feel exposed, like he couldn’t control what Ivan saw or thought of him.

He clenched his jaw, telling himself this uneasiness was a warning. Maybe his instincts were right, and this pull he felt toward Ivan was something he should ignore, some strange annoyance, or jealousy he couldn’t explain. But as much as he wanted to brush it off, to label it as irritation, he couldn’t deny the strange warmth that accompanied the thought of Ivan, how it kept lingering, stubbornly refusing to go away.

As the first rays of morning light slipped through the orphanage windows, Till let his hand fall from his guitar, fingers curling into a loose fist as he tried to steady himself. He wanted to shake off the thought of Ivan entirely, to bury it in the same way he did with everything else that dug too close to his heart. But something about Ivan had this ability to unsettle him, leaving him feeling off-balance, and he hated it.

In the back of his mind, he could still hear the easy laughter they’d shared, the way Ivan’s smile had felt so genuine, so inviting. Till rubbed his temple, trying to convince himself it was nothing- that whatever connection they’d formed was just a trick of his own mind.

A soft knock on the door broke him out of his thoughts, and he looked up just as Mizi poked her head in, giving him a sleepy smile.

“You’re up early,” she whispered, stepping inside and closing the door softly behind her. The rest of Till’s roommates were still asleep, after all.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Till mumbled, shrugging. He forced a smile, trying to act like he hadn’t been completely lost in his thoughts.

Mizi walked over and sat beside him, wrapping herself in a blanket she’d brought from her room. “You okay? You seem… I don’t know, kind of out of it.” Her voice was so sleepy and low, even Till struggled to hear it.

Till hesitated, fingers running absently over the guitar strings without playing them. He wanted to say something, to maybe admit the confusing mix of frustration and curiosity he felt about Ivan. But even with Mizi, the words felt too raw, too exposed to speak out loud.

Instead, he shook his head, brushing it off. “Just… thinking too much,” he muttered. “You know how it is.”

Mizi watched him, her eyes warm and understanding. “Is it… about Ivan?”

Till froze, surprised that she’d guessed is so easily. His mind flashed to the moments he’d caught himself staring, to the way he felt exposed whenever Ivan was around. Denial sprang to his lips instinctively. “What? No. Why would it be about him?” 

One of his roommates made a sound, asking him to be quiet. He bit his lip as he looked away from Mizi, feeling exposed. 

Mizi raised an eyebrow, a small, knowing smile playing on her lips. “Because, Till, you’re different around him. You’re… I don’t know, almost tense. And not in a bad way.” She whispered.

Till shook his head, more out of stubbornness than anything. “It’s not like that. He’s just… frustrating,” he insisted, trying to sound convincing even though his voice wavered slightly. “I don’t know. It’s like he… sees things I don’t want him to.”

Mizi glanced around at the other sleeping boys, then gestured toward the door. She whispered, “Come on, let’s go somewhere we don’t have to whisper. I don’t think your roommates want to hear about your boy troubles.”

Till rolled his eyes, but he got up, grabbing his guitar and following her out of the room. They walked down the halway, careful not to make any noise, until they reached a small common area with mismatched chairs and a couch. The early morning light cast long shadows, giving the place a quiet, kind of uncanny feel.

Mizi settled into the couch, wrapping her blanket around her shoulders, while Till leaned his guitar against the armrest and took a seat across from her. She gave him a look, her expression somewhere between gentle encouragement and playful curiosity.

“So…” she started, keeping her voice low but relaxed now that they were alone. “You’re really not going to admit it, huh?”

Till groaned, resting his head in his hands. “I don’t know what you want me to admit. Ivan just… I don’t know. He gets under my skin. Like, he doesn’t even have to try, and I’m already all… tense. It’s annoying.”

Mizi smirked, her eyes twinkling with amusement. “You mean he sees right through all your walls and makes you feel like you can’t hide?”

“Exactly,” Till said, sighing. “I don’t get why he has to look at me like that. Like he sees everything, all the stuff I don’t even let myself think about.”

Mizi’s gaze softened as she leaned forward, resting her chin on her hands. “Maybe it’s not a bad thing to be seen, Till. I mean, isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? For someone to understand you?”

Till rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a little too exposed under her words. “Yeah, maybe… But it’s not comforting. It’s just… intense. He doesn’t make me feel safe the way you do.”

Mizi gave him a sympathetic smile, but there was something knowing in her expression. “You don’t have to feel safe with him, though. Maybe that’s why he’s different. Maybe you don’t want to just feel safe with him.”

Till was quiet, her words settling over him like a strange sort of clarity. The warmth he felt around Ivan, that unfamiliar flutter- maybe it wasn’t something to be brushed off or denied. But he wasn’t sure he was ready to admit what it meant, even to himself.

“What if I don’t want to feel that way?” he murmured, staring at his hands. “What if I just want things to be… simple? Like…” He felt heat rising up to his cheeks. He knew shouldn’t continue the sentence, but he couldn’t help himself. “Like it would’ve been with you.”

Mizi’s expression softened as she leaned forward, a gentle look in her eyes. "Till, you know I’ve always seen us as… family.”

Till shifted uncomfortably, slightly tugging the hair behind his neck as a way to punish himself for saying things he knew he wasn't supposed to. He knew Mizi had never felt that way about him, and honestly, he thought he’d let go of those feelings ages ago. But being with her now, it was like he couldn’t help but wish things were as simple as he used to believe they could be.

“It’s not that I… I mean, I know we’re just…” he trailed off, feeling the weight of Mizi’s gaze. "You were the person who always made me feel safe. And Ivan… he’s the opposite. Nothing about him feels safe, or comfortable.”

Mizi gave him a knowing look, her gaze full of understanding. “Till, maybe that’s the point,” she murmured. “Maybe he’s not meant to make you feel safe, but to make you feel… well, something more. I know it’s terrifying, but maybe it’s something good.”

Till frowned, mulling it over, the weight of his feelings swirling around, unwilling to settle. The pull toward Ivan was unsettling, making him feel things he didn’t want to acknowledge. Being around him was raw and intense, leaving him exposed in ways he wasn’t prepared for. And he couldn’t quite decide if it was something he should run from or lean into.

Mizi reached over, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay to let it in, you know? It doesn’t have to be comfortable. It just has to be a feeling that belongs to you. ”

Till let out a breath, nodding. "Maybe… maybe you’re right,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "I just… I don’t know if I’m ready for that."

Mizi smiled gently, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “No one ever is, Till.”

-

Till leaned his elbows on the counter, his gaze drifting to the window where snow was beginning to collect in soft piles along the edges of the glass. It was his favorite type of shift- no customers, just the quiet hum of the refrigerators, the soft buzz of the fluorescent lights, and the rare silence he could let his thoughts wander in.

But tonight, that silence felt sharper, somehow heavier, pressing in on him as he stared out at the snow covered street. His mind kept slipping, circling back to thoughts he’d been trying to avoid all week. No matter how many times he counted the items on the shelves or reorganized the candy display, his mind always drifted back to one thing.

To Ivan.

It was confusing and frustrating, that Ivan had started to feel so… present in his thoughts. With Mizi, he’d always known what he felt- a warm, comfortable affection, something he could trust. But Ivan was different. When he thought of Ivan, it felt like stepping into the cold, fresh air after leaving a warm room. It was unsettling, like Ivan could see through every layer Till had built up around himself, seeing parts Till didn’t want anyone else to see.

The gentle snowfall outside didn’t help. It only made the night feel more closed in, like he was caught in a space that was too quiet, too open for his own thoughts.

He turned away from the window, focusing on the details of his surroundings—the colorful snack wrappers, the low hum of the refrigerators. But the stillness of the snow outside pulled at him, a reminder of the strange, quiet pull he felt whenever Ivan was around. He tried to tell himself it was just some unexplainable irritation, just an emotion he could ignore. But he couldn’t ignore the way his heart felt just a little bit lighter whenever he thought of Ivan, how the feeling refused to fade, lingering stubbornly in the background.

A flicker of warmth rose in his chest, a feeling he wanted to brush off but couldn’t seem to shake. He looked back out the window, watching as the snow settled onto empty benches and street signs, softening the city in a blanket of quiet that matched his own hesitant thoughts. As much as he wanted to ignore it, something about the idea of seeing Ivan again, being near him, being touched by him- kept pushing to the surface, making his heart beat just a little faster.

Till sighed, rubbing his hands together to keep warm in the chilly store. His shift was almost over, but he lingered a little longer, staring out at the softly falling snow, letting himself feel the confusion he’d been bottling up.

Then he glanced up as the bell over the door jingled, and his heart sank a little when he saw who walked in. Luka. Wearing a hoodie and scarf pulled high, trying (and failing) to disguise himself, the idol didn’t exactly look like he belonged in a place like this, especially not at this hour.

The two exchanged looks across the store, Till’s face instantly hardening. He didn’t try to hide the irritation in his voice as he called out, “What are you doing here, Luka?”

Luka’s gaze shifted uneasily around the store, but he held Till’s stare with a practiced, unreadable expression, his voice smooth, almost rehearsed. “I just… came to ask about Hyuna.”

Till crossed his arms, every muscle tensing. “You’re kidding me, right? You come all the way here in the middle of the night just to ask about her?” He scoffed, anger bubbling up. His glare sharpened, his voice dripping with barely restrained anger. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?” He crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “After everything you put her through, you think you can just come back in and ask about her? Like she’d even want to hear your name?”

Luka’s expression barely shifted, though a slight tightening in his jaw betrayed him. “I just wanted to know if she’s okay,” he said quietly, his voice almost carefully neutral, as though he were reading a line from a script. “I know things… didn’t go the way they should have. But I didn’t—”

“Oh, don’t even try to defend yourself,” Till interrupted, his tone aggressive. “You’re the reason she lost everything. If you hadn’t been so selfish and refused that first adoption, maybe she’d still have Hyun Woo.”

The slightest flicker of something passed over Luka’s face -quick and nearly unseeable- but he looked away, his face quickly smoothing back to that mask of calm. “I didn’t want any of that to happen,” he said softly. “I didn’t know… No one knew.”

Till scoffed, his anger only growing. “Doesn’t matter. You could’ve been there. You were supposed to look out for her, and instead, you just left.”

Luka’s eyes narrowed slightly, his voice sharpening in response. “I didn’t just leave, Till. I tried. I was sixteen, and I didn’t have a choice when my father adopted me. He kept me away from her- didn’t want me distracted, not while he was turning me into this,” he said, gesturing to himself with a detached, almost bitter look.

Till shook his head, unwilling to relent. “And what did you do once you were free, huh? You think a couple of calls from your fancy new life were supposed to fix everything? You were living it up, playing the idol, while Hyuna was alone, scared, and losing her brother. You weren’t there for her then, and she doesn’t need you now.”

Luka’s face remained expressionless, his shoulders barely shifting under the weight of Till’s accusations. “It wasn’t that simple,” he murmured, his voice steady, controlled. “I was just a kid, Till. I was just trying to survive, too. And when I found out about Hyun Woo…” His voice faltered for the briefest second before he quickly composed himself. “I couldn’t even mourn him properly. I was paraded around for the cameras, while she was left alone. I tried to reach her, but every time I did, she pushed me away.”

“Right,” Till scoffed, “you’ve always been so noble, haven’t you? Running off to save yourself while she suffered in silence. And then what? You come crawling back, thinking a few half-hearted attempts to reach out will make up for it?”

“It’s not like that,” Luka said, as if the words physically hurt him. “I never asked to be adopted by a man who saw me as nothing but a product. He cut me off from everyone, even her. By the time I could make choices for myself, it was too late, and she wouldn’t listen.”

“Maybe because she knows who you really are now,” Till shot back coldly. “She doesn’t need your excuses, Luka. You were supposed to be there for her, and when it mattered, you weren’t.”

Luka looked away, not reacting for a while, his face still like a porcelain doll, not showing any sign of life. He was silent for a long moment, his face still and unreadable. “I know I don’t deserve her forgiveness,” he said finally. “But I can’t just forget about her. She’s the only real connection, the only family I’ve ever had.”

For a moment, Till’s anger almost went away, thinking he might’ve seen a flash of vulnerability in Luka’s eyes, but the expression was so quickly concealed that it felt like a trick of his imagination. He forced himself to hold onto his anger. Luka was a master at controlling his image, at showing only what he wanted people to see. Till had seen enough of the idol’s perfectly managed facade to know better than to trust him.

“Family doesn’t walk away when things get hard, Luka. Family doesn’t leave you alone,” Till said, his voice low and unforgiving.

Luka let out a slow breath, his face composed but hollow, his tone empty. “I know,” he whispered, barely audible. “I know, and I’ve been paying for that every day. I can’t make up for what happened. I can’t bring Hyun Woo back, and I can’t undo the choices I made. But I still care about her. I always have.”

“She doesn’t need you,” Till said firmly, even though a part of him, a small part he didn’t want to acknowledge, knew Hyuna would be much happier if she could just move on from everything, or just talk to Luka. “And I think it’s time you finally let her go. She’s moved on. She’s built a life for herself without you.” 

It was half a lie- he knew Hyuna hadn’t moved on. How could she? She lost everyone that had ever mattered to her within the span of the first fifteen years of her life. Her parents, Hyun Woo, then Luka. She did build a life for herself though, and somehow even managed to pull herself together and made other friends, also bagging a job as a barmaid with no CV (which was quiet impressive, given the situation of the job market in Korea). 

Luka’s expression didn’t change, his face unreadable as he absorbed Till’s words. He nodded slowly, as though resigning himself, but a flicker of something almost like resignation was settling over his face. “If that’s what she wants, then… I’ll respect it,” he said, his voice quiet, each word a perfectly measured note. “But I will be back to check up on her.”

Without another word, he turned and walked out into the falling snow, leaving Till alone in the quiet of the store, the silence pressing down heavier than before.

Chapter 22: resolutions

Summary:

Mizi smiled, squeezing Sua’s hand. “Oh, people are definitely going to look forward to hearing you. Imagine hearing you on some drama OST, right when the main characters are about to-” she broke off, a sudden flush creeping up her cheeks as the thought hit her hard and unexpected. One day, she’d be with Sua like that. Close, naked and vulnerable, wrapped up in each other in a way she hadn’t allowed herself to think about until now.

The idea sent a jolt through her, and her mind scrambled. What if… they wanted to go beyond the tender kisses and hand-holding they’d gotten used to? She felt the color rising in her face, trying to brush it off but suddenly aware of how little she actually knew about having sex with another girl.

New Year’s had just passed, and the early January air was sharp and cold as Till and Mizi walked together toward school. They’d barely had a break, with only the first day of the new year off, and already it felt like the world was speeding up again. Their footsteps fell in sync, the frosty ground crunching beneath them as they reached the school gates, surrounded by students chatting, and catching up.

Till’s eyes darted around, scanning the crowd almost unconsciously, and Mizi nudged him, noticing the way his gaze lingered a bit too long on certain faces. “Looking for anyone specific?” she asked, her tone light but knowing.

He rolled his eyes, stuffing his hands deeper into his pockets. “Not really. Just… people-watching.”

Mizi hummed, clearly unconvinced. “Sure,” she replied with a playful grin. “I’ll believe that.”

They walked through the school gates, and Till spotted Ivan near the entrance, talking with a couple of classmates. Ivan’s gaze flicked up, catching Till’s almost instantly, and something shifted in his expression- something like surprise that softened into an easy, subtle smile. The sight made Till’s stomach twist in a way he couldn’t explain, a knot that made him want to throw up.

“Oh, look, there’s Sua,” Mizi murmured, and her face lit up as she spotted her girlfriend across the courtyard. She flashed Till a knowing grin. “Guess I’ll leave you to your people-watching, then?”

Till shrugged, trying to seem unaffected. “Yeah, sure,” he muttered, but Mizi’s look of knowingness followed him even as she moved off toward Sua, who was waving her over with a bright smile.

He turned, only to realize Ivan had already started walking over. His expression was warm, but there was something unreadable in his eyes that made Till’s nerves spike.

“Hey, Till,” Ivan greeted, his tone light but somehow pointed. “How was… the new year?”

“Fine,” Till replied, aiming for nonchalance, his voice a touch too casual. He tightened his grip on his bag, trying to keep himself calm. “Nothing special. Just another day.”

Ivan gave a small, thoughtful smile, glancing briefly toward the bustling courtyard. “It was quiet for me,” he said. “Kinda made me miss school, oddly enough.”

“Yeah?” Till asked, surprised. He didn’t expect Ivan, of all people, to feel that way. “Didn’t think you’d be the type to miss this place.”

Ivan shrugged, meeting Till’s gaze with a calm that Till found unsettling. “Guess I missed… certain things about it,” he said, his eyes flickering, just enough to make Till’s heart beat a little faster, though he tried to ignore it.

Till shifted uncomfortably, a tightness building in his chest. He hated how Ivan seemed to be able to unsettle him without even trying, how every word felt like it meant something deeper than he could fully grasp. With Mizi, everything had always been straightforward, warm, easy. But with Ivan, there was an intensity that made him feel exposed, as if Ivan could see the parts of himself he’d rather keep hidden.

“Student council keeping you busy?” Till asked, trying to steer the conversation somewhere neutral, somewhere that didn’t make him feel like he was losing himself in front of Ivan.

“Always,” Ivan replied with a soft chuckle. “But that’s just how it is.” He hesitated for a moment, then added, almost casually, “I guess… sometimes it’s worth it.”

Till shifted his weight, feeling like the ground was suddenly unsteady beneath him. “Right. Sounds… fulfilling.” He tried to sound indifferent, but there was a nervous edge in his voice that he hoped Ivan didn’t notice.

Ivan’s eyes softened, something almost amused but too gentle to be mocking. “It has its moments,” he murmured, as if he could sense the way Till was wrestling with his own reactions.

The bell rang, pulling them back to the present, and Till let out a small breath, relieved for the excuse to break away. He was about to turn toward their classroom when Ivan’s voice stopped him.

“See you in class,” Ivan said, his tone light but with a subtle weight that Till couldn’t ignore.

Till only nodded, keeping his face carefully blank as he made his way inside, but his mind kept replaying the last few moments, the way Ivan’s gaze seemed to linger, the warmth in his voice. It left him feeling annoyed, like he was facing something he wasn’t ready to understand. And no matter how hard he tried to push it down, the feeling stayed with him, staying stubbornly in the back of his mind.

Throughout the morning classes, Till tried to keep his focus on the lessons, but his mind kept drifting. He found himself sneaking glances at Ivan, who was seated a few rows over, fully focused in his notes or quietly chatting with a classmate. Every time Ivan looked his way or caught his eye, Till felt a strange, uncomfortable jolt and quickly looked away, hoping no one else noticed.

As the bell finally rang for lunch, Till was more than ready to escape the tension building up inside him. He grabbed his wallet from his bag to make his way to the cafeteria, but just as he was about to slip out of the classroom, Ivan appeared beside him, looking almost casual but with a slight tension in his posture. “Till,” he said, keeping his voice low, “I thought maybe we could… I don’t know, eat together. Might be good to give Mizi and Sua some time alone?”

The suggestion caught Till off guard, and he felt his stomach twist, a mix of discomfort and something he couldn’t name. “Oh, uh… sure,” he replied, hoping his tone was as casual as Ivan’s. He didn’t really want to be alone with Ivan, not with the way his mind had been so unsettled around him lately. But he couldn’t exactly refuse without sounding suspicious.

“Go grab your jacket.” Ivan said, as a soft smile formed on his face. Till only nodded in response before walking back to grab the jacket Ivan had gifted him.

They walked together, neither of them saying much as they made their way to the backyard. The cold January air hit them as soon as they stepped outside, and Till felt a chill run through him- not entirely because of the temperature. He pulled his jacket tighter around him, glancing around at the mostly empty backyard, where only a few other students were scattered, lost in their own conversations.

Till shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, glancing at Ivan as they walked further into the backyard. "I… I still need to grab something from the cafeteria," he mumbled, half hoping it might be an excuse to escape the tension that was building up in him whenever he was around Ivan.

Ivan glanced at him, a hint of amusement in his eyes. “Don’t worry about it. I packed enough for both of us,” he said casually, lifting his lunch bag. “Figured it’d be easier this way.”

Till hesitated, caught off guard again. “Oh… okay,” he said, pushing his hands deeper into his pockets he tried to hide his surprise. He didn’t know why Ivan’s small acts of thoughtfulness always seemed to throw him off. Maybe because it felt like Ivan had this thing for anticipating things Till wasn’t even aware he wanted.

They found a quiet bench at the edge of the yard, a spot far enough from other students that they wouldn’t be easily overheard. Ivan set his bag between them and pulled out two lunch boxes, handing one over to Till with a small smile. “Here, it’s nothing fancy, but… hope it’s alright.”

Till took the box, feeling a strange warmth in his chest that he tried to push down. “Thanks,” he mumbled, opening it and glancing at the food. It was simple but neatly prepared, like someone had put a lot of thought into it. He took a tentative bite, avoiding Ivan’s gaze as he focused on the flavors, feeling oddly self-conscious.

They ate in comfortable silence for a few minutes, the faint chatter of other students blending with the rustling of bare tree branches in the cold air. Every so often, Till felt Ivan’s gaze on him, but he kept his own eyes fixed on his food, trying to ignore the way his heart seemed to beat just a little faster.

After a while, Ivan broke the silence. “You know, it’s nice having some quiet time with someone,” he said, his tone thoughtful. “I’m usually busy with council stuff during lunch, or else I eat with Mizi and Sua so… this is kind of rare for me.”

Till nodded, unsure of how to respond. “I get that,” he said finally. “I usually don’t… you know, hang out much during lunch either.”

Ivan smiled, a warm, easy expression that made Till’s chest feel tight. “Well, I’m glad we could make an exception today,” he said softly, his gaze lingering on Till for a moment longer than necessary.

Till’s throat felt dry, and he quickly looked down, playing with his food to avoid meeting Ivan’s eyes. “Yeah,” he muttered, keeping his tone as casual as he could. “It’s… not bad, I guess.”

They continued eating, but Till couldn’t shake the uncomfortable warmth that lingered, nor the way Ivan’s small gestures seemed to dig beneath his usual defenses. As the wind stirred, Till tried to focus on anything else, the sounds around them, the chill in the air- but his thoughts kept returning to Ivan, leaving him feeling more exposed than he was ready to admit.

-

On the rooftop, Mizi and Sua leaned against the edge, the cold January air nipping at their cheeks as they gazed out over the school grounds below. The city stretched out in the distance, it looked magical under the pale winter sun. Snow dusted the edges of the rooftop, creating a soft, shimmering contrast against the concrete, and Sua’s hand found its way to Mizi’s without a word.

“Feels like we barely got a break, huh?” Mizi murmured, her thumb brushing softly over the back of Sua’s hand. She gave a small laugh. “We just started the new year, and it already feels like things are moving too fast.”

Sua chuckled, leaning her shoulder gently against Mizi’s. “Tell me about it. Sometimes I feel like if I blink, I’ll miss something important.” She looked down at their joined hands, her fingers intertwined with Mizi’s, and smiled. “But… I guess it’s nice that we get a few minutes like this.”

Mizi nodded, a soft smile tugging at her lips as she glanced at Sua, her cheeks a little pink- not entirely from the cold. “It is. I mean, I don’t think I’d want to be up here freezing with anyone else.” She tried to sound casual, but her eyes sparkled with a warmth that gave her away.

Sua laughed, her breath fogging in the air as she looked down at their joined hands. “Good to know I’m worth braving the cold for,” she teased lightly, squeezing Mizi’s hand. “If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll buy us some hot chocolate later.”

Mizi’s eyes lit up at the mention, and she leaned closer, their faces only inches apart. “Oh, if hot chocolate’s on the line, you better believe I’ll hold you to that.”

Sua’s smile softened as she looked into Mizi’s eyes, their breaths mingling in the cold air. The moment was stretching out as they drew closer, until finally, Mizi closed the distance, pressing her lips to Sua’s in a gentle  kiss. The rooftop, the snow, the chill- all of it seemed to disappear as they melted into each other’s warmth, caught in a moment that felt like it could last forever.

As they pulled back, Sua’s hand slipped up to Mizi’s cheek, her thumb brushing over her skin with a tenderness that made Mizi’s heart race. She leaned in again, and they kissed a little deeper this time, the world around them falling away as they lost themselves in each other. Mizi’s hands found their way to Sua’s waist, pulling her close as the cold faded beneath the warmth of their connection. They stayed like that, their kisses becoming slower, softer, until they finally drew apart, their foreheads resting against each other’s.

A few quiet moments passed, and Mizi broke the silence, her voice soft. “So… what’s next for you, Sua?” She bit her lip, glancing down as she brushed her fingers over Sua’s hand. “I mean, you’re graduating in February… Do you have any plans?”

Sua's gaze softened, and she took a deep breath, her fingers lacing through Mizi's as she gathered her thoughts. “Actually..." she started, her voice low, almost as if voicing her dreams aloud made them all the more real, filling her chest with excitement. “I made an early application to Korea National University of Arts back in April… and I got in.” She looked up, eyes shining. “I’ll be starting in March, right after I graduate next month. They have a program for Vocal Music, with electives in Media Music. It’s… exactly what I’ve been looking for, something that could really help me get into OSTs and, maybe, one day work in the film industry.”

Mizi’s face lit up with pride, her eyes shining with admiration as she squeezed Sua’s hand, getting closer to Sua’s face in joy and excitement. “Sua, that’s amazing! I can already see it- your voice on a soundtrack, giving life to a story. It’s like you were made for this.”

Sua chuckled, her cheeks coloring as she looked away, a little shy under Mizi's gaze. “It’s exciting… and terrifying,” she admitted, laughing softly. “But I can’t imagine doing anything else. I want to make music that’s meaningful, you know? Music that people hum even after they leave the theater or turn off the TV. I want to give them something that stays, like… like the songs that have stayed with me.”

Mizi reached up, brushing a strand of hair behind Sua’s ear, her smile soft. “I have no doubt you’ll do that. Your voice, Sua- it’s angelic. I feel lucky to be able to hear it whenever I want.”

Sua’s blush deepened, and she let out a soft laugh, her fingers tightening around Mizi’s. “You’re too sweet,” she whispered, looking down for a moment, almost bashful. “Sometimes I think I’m just… dreaming too big, you know? Like, who am I to think I could actually get there one day?”

Mizi shook her head, her voice full of gentle insistence. “Hey, if anyone can make it, it’s you. I’ve seen the way you pour your heart into your music, how you bring every note to life. It’s not just a dream- it’s what you’re meant to do. And honestly?” Mizi’s eyes sparkled, a playful grin slipping onto her face. “I’m gonna be your number one fan no matter what. I’ll be that person buying out all your albums and bragging about you to anyone who’ll listen.”

Sua chuckled, her nervousness melting away as she looked into Mizi’s eyes. “Well, if you’re there cheering me on, I think I might actually stand a chance.” Her gaze softened, and her hand reached up, resting gently against Mizi’s cheek. “You’re… you’re a huge part of why I feel brave enough to do this. You make me feel like I’m capable of more than I think.”

They shared a quiet moment, faces close, filling the cold air with the warmth of their breath. Mizi felt her heart pounding, and her own voice came out soft, almost like a promise. “And I’ll keep reminding you every day if you need me to,” she whispered, leaning in, closing the small space between them.

Their lips met in a tender kiss, the world around them blurring as they held onto each other once again. 

When they finally pulled back, Sua’s fingers lingered against Mizi’s cheek. “Thank you,” she whispered, her voice filled with emotion, her eyes still closed as if to hold onto the moment a bit longer. “For believing in me, and being by my side.”

Mizi leaned her forehead against Sua’s, her smile soft and steady. “Always.”

They stood there, enjoying the comfortable silence, Sua’s hand drifted back to Mizi’s, fingers laced as she spoke about her plans with a gentle excitement that warmed Mizi’s heart.

“I want to work with directors who care about telling stories that move people,” Sua said, her voice dreamy, her gaze focused on some distant, imagined scene. “And maybe, one day… my voice will be in something people look forward to hearing, you know?”

Mizi smiled, squeezing Sua’s hand. “Oh, people are definitely going to look forward to hearing you. Imagine hearing you on some drama OST, right when the main characters are about to-” she broke off, a sudden flush creeping up her cheeks as the thought hit her hard and unexpected. One day, she’d be with Sua like that. Close, naked and vulnerable, wrapped up in each other in a way she hadn’t allowed herself to think about until now.

The idea sent a jolt through her, and her mind scrambled. What if… they wanted to go beyond the tender kisses and hand-holding they’d gotten used to? She felt the color rising in her face, trying to brush it off but suddenly aware of how little she actually knew about having sex with another girl.

“You alright?” Sua’s gentle voice broke through her thoughts, her eyes soft with concern. “You look a little… pink.”

“Me? Oh, yeah,” Mizi stammered, laughing a little too loudly, trying to shake off the nervous thoughts. “Just the cold… you know, gets to your face.”

“Hmm,” Sua replied, a small smirk tugging at her lips as she moved a bit closer, brushing her hand softly against Mizi’s cheek. “If you say so. You’re usually pretty good with the cold, though.”

Mizi tried to swallow the lump in her throat, her heart racing as she looked at Sua’s playful expression, suddenly feeling all the more exposed. The thought stayed there, insistently lingering at the back of her mind: one day, this was going to be real. She and Sua, somewhere safe and private, sharing something beyond their quiet rooftop kisses.

Desperate to shake off the blush, she turned the conversation back to safer territory. “Uh, so… which OST artists do you look up to the most?” she asked, though her voice came out a little too fast. She tried to focus, but her mind was still racing.

Sua laughed softly, noticing Mizi’s awkward shift but letting it slide. “There are so many,” she replied, eyes lighting up. She started listing them with a smile, giving small details of where Mizi might know them from.

Mizi smiled back, trying to relax as she let herself sink back into the warmth of Sua’s presence. For now, she told herself that dream could wait, but a quiet excitement settled in her chest as she imagined a future where her dreams -and Sua- felt close and certain.

Chapter 23: intimate shapes

Summary:

Till nodded, understanding in a way he hadn’t thought he would. “I… I never thought about it like that. I mean, I figured…” He looked down, embarrassed, his voice trailing off as he tried to find the right words. “I guess I just assumed… you had it all.”

A small, sad smile played on Ivan’s lips as he glanced at Till. “Maybe I do, in a way. But sometimes, the things you think you want don’t feel like enough.” There was a weight to his words, a vulnerability Till hadn’t seen before, and it made his chest feel tight.

Notes:

TW- but not really. this chapter has discussion of sex and masturbation, so fyi, warning you

Till slung his backpack over his shoulder as the final bell echoed through the halls, already mentally preparing himself for the drive over to Ivan’s place. He still didn’t know why he’d agreed to work on the song there of all places- it was more nerve-wracking than he cared to admit. If they didn’t do it there, then maybe he’d have the chance to focus on the music and not so much on the guy he was working with. But at the same time, he enjoyed the comfortable feeling of a warm house.

He was about to head to the entrance when he heard Mizi’s voice, cheerful as ever. “Not taking the bus with me today?” she asked, glancing up at him with a playful smile. “Got something important planned?”

“Oh, uh…” Till hesitated, scratching the back of his hair. “I’m, um, going over to Ivan’s. We’re working on that composition for the music showcase.”

Mizi’s eyes widened slightly, and then her face lit up with curiosity. “Really? Ivan’s place? Didn’t expect that.” She paused, glancing around as if weighing a decision. “Hey, Sua’s busy after school today… Do you mind if I tag along? You know, I can offer some moral support, help brainstorm lyrics if you need.”

Till shrugged, glancing toward the exit. “I don’t see why not. But, uh… you should probably ask Ivan. It’s his place, after all.”

“Of course!” Mizi grinned, giving him a quick nudge. “You think I’d just barge in uninvited?”

Till rolled his eyes but couldn’t hold back a small smile. He felt a bit lighter with Mizi coming along, it would be easier to be around Ivan with her there. Plus, maybe her presence would keep his mind from wandering to… uncomfortable places.

As they made their way to the school entrance, they spotted Ivan waiting by the gate, leaning against a nearby tree with his bag slung casually over one shoulder. He straightened up as he saw them approach, his gaze shifting from Till to Mizi. His usual calm expression flickered, a brief moment of hesitation crossing his face before he quickly regained his composure.

“Mizi wants to come with us, if that’s cool,” Till said, aiming for a nonchalant tone. “You know, to, uh… help out with lyrics and stuff.”

Ivan blinked, then nodded, his lips curving into a polite, almost unreadable smile. “Sure. The more, the merrier, right?”

They set off together, they walked to the restaurant nearby to get picked up, then the car filled with casual conversation. Mizi kept things lively, chatting about her day and sharing stories from her classes. Till tried to keep up, but he found himself occasionally glancing at Ivan, who was mostly quiet, chiming in now and then with a small smile or a nod.

Ivan and Mizi were supposed to be good friends, what was his problem?

As they settled into Ivan’s room, Mizi flipped through her notebook, her gaze occasionally flicking up to the boys with a hint of hesitation. Ivan was setting up his lyrics notebook, while Till was already strumming his guitar softly, focused on tuning it. The room was quiet, with only the faint hum of Ivan’s house around them, and for a while, everything felt almost routine.

Then, after a few minutes of silence, Mizi cleared her throat, her cheeks already pink as she glanced up, visibly nervous. “Uh… I know this is a little out of nowhere, but… can I ask you guys something kind of… weird?”

Till looked up from his guitar, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. “Um… sure? What’s up?” he asked, his voice casual though he sensed her hesitation.

Mizi hesitated, her face growing redder as she looked down at her notebook, fidgeting with the edge of the page. “Okay, this is… I just feel a little embarrassed to even bring it up, but, um… have you guys… ever seen, like… you know, um… lesbian porn?”

Till nearly dropped his guitar, his face instantly flushing a deep shade of red. “W-What? Mizi! Why would you-” He stammered, looking anywhere but at her, clearly struggling to process the question. “I mean, no! Why would I… why would you ask that?”

Mizi covered her face with her hands, clearly mortified at her own question. “I know! I know, it’s such a weird question! It’s just… guys usually masturbate, and some straight guys like lesbians so I guess… you know? Maybe one of you knew something.” She sighed. “I do not have it in me to open up a porn website.” 

Ivan leaned back, quietly amused as he watched Till’s reaction unfold, his eyes bright with silent laughter. He didn’t seem fazed at all by the question, his attention mostly focused on Till’s flustered expressions. “Interesting conversation topic,” he commented lightly, casting a quick glance at Till. “But I’m guessing this isn’t really Till’s area of expertise.”

Till’s face flushed even deeper, and before he could stop himself, he blurted out, “Of course it’s not! I don’t even… I don’t even masturbate!” The words left his mouth in a rush, and he immediately regretted it as silence fell over the room.

Ivan’s eyebrows shot up, a surprised, almost amused glint in his eyes, while Mizi blinked at him, clearly taken aback. “Wait… seriously?” she asked, unable to hide her disbelief. “I thought… you know… most guys do.”

Till’s embarrassment only grew, and he crossed his arms, his face now a bright shade of red, and his eyebrows furrowed. “Well, yeah, most guys probably do! But have you considered my living situation?” he shot back, his voice a mixture of frustration and mortification. “I share a room with three other dudes, okay? And the showers… the toilets… they don’t even close properly. You try finding privacy in an orphanage, I dare you.”

Mizi stifled a laugh, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh… oh no, Till, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

Ivan, on the other hand, was openly smirking, clearly amused by Till’s flustered state. “Makes sense, I guess,” he said, trying to keep his tone neutral but failing to hide the laughter in his eyes. “That sounds… challenging, to say the least.”

“‘Challenging’ is an understatement,” Till muttered, his arms still crossed tightly over his chest. “I mean, not everyone has the luxury of their own room, you know?” He shot a glare at Ivan, who only seemed to find his irritation even more entertaining.

“Fair enough,” Ivan replied, a faint grin still playing at his lips. “I can’t imagine how you’d, uh, get any peace like that.”

Mizi seemed to gather herself from laughter, a small apologetic smile tugging at her lips as she placed a hand on Till’s shoulder. “Till, I really didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m just… clueless,” she admitted, her cheeks still rosy with embarrassment. “It’s just…I have been thinking about, you know… stuff like that. And I guess… I wanted some insight.” She chuckled, though her face was still a bright shade of pink. “I would usually go to Hyuna, but I didn’t take her as someone who would watch lesbian porn.”

Till felt his jaw drop, a look of genuine offense flashing across his face. “Excuse me, and you thought I would?” he spluttered, his voice hitting a slightly higher pitch than he intended. “Why would you even-?”

Mizi held up her hands in a small, sheepish defense, still laughing softly. “No, I just meant… you know, Hyuna’s not exactly the type to think about… sex. But I thought maybe you’d, um… know more than I do?”

Till groaned, rubbing his hand over his face, feeling the heat creeping up his neck. “This is… honestly, Mizi, you have no idea how weird I feel- the girl I used to have a crush on basically asking me if I ever jerked off to her.” 

Ivan’s laughter finally broke through the silence, and he leaned back against the wall, his amusement evident in his expression. “Poor Till. Always caught off guard by life’s biggest questions,” He chuckled, clearly enjoying himself as Till glared at him, trying to hold onto what little dignity he had left. 

He looked at Till in a way that made Till’s stomach twist in a way he couldn’t explain.

Mizi blinked, still trying to wrap her head around the idea. “Wait, Till… you’ve had a crush on me for how long?” She tilted her head, genuinely curious. “And you’ve, like, never thought about… you know… that kind of stuff?”

Till’s face reddened even more, he started looking anywhere but at her. “Look, Mizi, I don’t know what you’re imagining, but I didn’t… I didn’t see you that way,” he muttered. “It wasn’t like that. My feelings for you were… they were just different, okay? It was… pure. I mean, you were my best friend at the same time after all.”

Mizi seemed genuinely surprised, her brows lifting as she nodded slowly. “Wow… I guess I didn’t realize. I always just assumed… I mean, it’s weird, right? I can’t stop thinking about Sua sometimes, in every possible way.” She blushed at her own admission, glancing down with an embarrassed smile.

Till’s face flushed, and he stammered, clearly caught off guard. “You… really?” He blinked at Mizi, a mix of surprise and awkwardness in his expression. “I mean, I didn’t think… well, I didn’t think you thought about Sua like… that much.”

Mizi’s cheeks deepened in color, and she looked down, fiddling with the edge of her notebook. “I didn’t really expect to, either. But… I guess that’s how things are now,” she said softly, almost as if she was realizing it herself as she spoke. “She’s… always on my mind. And not just in the sweet, romantic way, you know?” She peeked up at them, a shy but genuine smile on her face.

Ivan’s amusement softened, and he gave her a gentle nod, a touch of understanding in his expression. “Guess that means it’s real, then,” he murmured, his tone kind. “And, hey, that’s a good thing. Besides,” he added with a slight smile, “Sua’s lucky to have you thinking about her like that.”

Till cleared his throat, still visibly flustered. “Yeah… well, as long as it makes you happy,” he muttered, trying to sound casual but clearly embarrassed. A small, sincere smile tugged at his lips as he looked at Mizi. “Just… don’t go thinking everyone else is, uh, that comfortable with… those thoughts.”

Mizi laughed, the tension easing slightly as she nudged Till’s shoulder. “Alright, alright. I’ll keep my… curious questions to myself. And maybe to Hyuna.” She threw a quick, amused glance at Ivan, who merely shook his head, unable to hide his smile.

The air settling down, Mizi laid onto Ivan’s bed, pulling out a book from her bag to flip through as Till and Ivan refocused on the song. She didn’t need to be involved, but she was more than happy to stick around and listen, keeping a casual presence in the background.

Till adjusted his guitar, strumming a few chords as he focused on the melody they’d been working on. “So, for the verse here,” he mumbled, his gaze fixed on his sheet music, “I was thinking we could keep it simple, then bring in a counter-melody for the chorus… I just can’t figure out the right rhythm.”

Ivan leaned over slightly, studying Till’s notes. “Maybe something like this?” he suggested, humming a soft line that complimented Till’s melody. His voice was low and steady, almost soothing, and Till found himself captivated by the way Ivan naturally filled in the gaps, as if he could hear the music Till struggled to put into words.

“Yeah,” Till murmured, nodding slowly. “That… actually works better.” He played it again, this time adding Ivan’s suggestion, and the melody seemed to click into place, fuller than before. He gave Ivan a surprised glance, a small, genuine smile creeping onto his face. “You’ve got an ear for this.”

Ivan shrugged, a faint smile on his lips. “It’s easier when someone else has already laid the groundwork,” he replied, his tone light. “You already had the main idea. I’m just here to help smooth it out.”

Mizi looked up from her book, giving them a smile. “Sounds like it’s coming together,” she said. “I didn’t expect you two to work so well together. It’s kind of… nice.”

Till’s face flushed slightly, and he turned back to his guitar, mumbling, “Yeah, well, it’s just a song. We’re just… you know, working on it.”

Ivan’s gaze softened, lingering on Till for a moment. “It’s more than that,” he said quietly, his voice barely audible. “It’s a chance to create something. That’s not nothing, you know?

Till hesitated, his fingers pausing over the strings. There was something in Ivan’s tone that made his heart beat a little faster, and he wasn’t sure how to respond. He glanced down, feeling both flustered and strangely… connected. It was unsettling, but he didn’t exactly hate it, it was too strong of a word. He felt more as if, like, he disliked it.

They continued working, bouncing ideas back and forth, with Ivan occasionally suggesting harmonies or adjustments. Till felt himself relaxing into the rhythm of it, his usual nervousness fading as they built on each other’s ideas. For the first time, the tension between them felt productive, and that brought out the best in the song.

Mizi watched them with quiet amusement, noticing the subtle glances Till would cast toward Ivan when he thought no one was looking. She hid a smile behind her book, sensing something that Till would rather leave unspoken.

After a while, Ivan suggested, “Why don’t we take a break?” He looked at Till, a slight smile on his face. “We’ve made good progress… and you look like you could use some air.”

Till blinked, caught off guard. “Uh, yeah… maybe a break would be good,” he mumbled, setting his guitar down.

Ivan gestured casually toward the window, a hint of amusement in his eyes. “So… terrace or balcony? Either one works.”

Till blinked, surprised. “There’s a terrace?” he asked, trying to hide his curiosity. They’d only ever spent time on the balcony whenever he’d been over, and he’d never there would be more.

Ivan nodded, his expression relaxed. “Yeah, it’s down the hall. It has a better view than the balcony, actually.”

Mizi glanced between the two of them, a small, knowing smile tugging at her lips. “I think I’ll stay here,” she said, her tone light but intentional. “I’ll… let you two get some fresh air. Besides, I’m at a good part in my book.” She flashed them both a quick grin before settling back against the pillows, pretending to focus on her reading.

Till hesitated, glancing at her, but Mizi gave him a little wave, as if to say, Go on. Reluctantly, he looked back to Ivan, who was already holding the door open, waiting for him. With a small sigh, Till got up and followed, his nerves a little more pronounced now that he was alone with Ivan. He tried to ignore the subtle rush of adrenaline as they walked down the hallway.

As they stepped onto the terrace, Till’s breath hitched slightly. The view was incredible; the city stretched out before them, and the fading light cast a warm, silver hue over the rooftops. There was a quiet stillness, a kind of peacefulness that made everything feel a little more intimate.

“Not bad, right?” Ivan murmured, leaning against the railing, his gaze fixed on the skyline.

Till nodded, trying to focus on the view rather than the fact that they were alone. “Yeah… it’s, uh… it’s nice,” he said, a bit awkwardly, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Ivan glanced over, a faint smile playing at his lips as he took in Till’s flustered expression. “You don’t have to look so tense, you know. We’re just taking a break.”

“Right… just a break,” Till mumbled, though the ease with which Ivan seemed to read him was unsettling. He forced himself to look out at the view, the cool air helping him feel grounded.

They stood there in silence for a moment, the quiet stretching between them, the hum of the city below creating a strange kind of calm. Ivan let out a small sigh. “It’s nice, having someone to work with,” he said quietly, almost as if he were talking more to himself than to Till. “Makes things… feel less lonely.”

Till glanced over, caught off guard by the slight sadness in Ivan’s tone. He wasn’t sure how to respond, feeling an unfamiliar mix of sympathy and discomfort. “Yeah… I get that,” he said finally, his voice softer than usual.

They stood in silence, Till feeling Ivan’s words settling over them like the soft evening light. He wasn’t used to seeing Ivan so open, so unguarded. It was strange, and it stirred something in him- a kind of empathy he didn’t know he could feel for Ivan. He glanced sideways, catching Ivan’s profile, the way his gaze was lost in the distance. Till could almost sense the layers Ivan hid behind that calm demeanor, the hidden loneliness he hadn’t expected from someone who, unlike him, wasn’t alone.

He hesitated before speaking, his voice quiet. “I mean… you’ve got your parents, right? It must be… different, being here alone when you could be with them.”

Ivan’s expression flickered, and he let out a soft, almost ironic chuckle. “Yeah, I have parents,” he said, his tone both distant and a little sad. “But just because they’re there doesn’t mean I’m… not alone sometimes. I’m not with them much either, honestly. They’re more like people I see from time to time than… family.”

Till didn’t know what to say at first, surprised by the honesty in Ivan’s words. It was one thing to feel lonely in an orphanage, where he’d long accepted that no one was obligated to stay in his life, but Ivan’s situation- having family but feeling detached from them. felt like a different kind of isolation.

He found himself speaking before he could stop himself. “So, you’re here in this big house… and it’s just you?”

Ivan nodded, his gaze distant, lingering on the rooftops across the cityscape. “Just me,” he murmured. “It’s a nice place and all, but…” He trailed off, then gave a small, almost self-conscious shrug. “I guess it can feel empty sometimes.”

Till nodded, understanding in a way he hadn’t thought he would. “I… I never thought about it like that. I mean, I figured…” He looked down, embarrassed, his voice trailing off as he tried to find the right words. “I guess I just assumed… you had it all.”

A small, sad smile played on Ivan’s lips as he glanced at Till. “Maybe I do, in a way. But sometimes, the things you think you want don’t feel like enough.” There was a weight to his words, a vulnerability Till hadn’t seen before, and it made his chest feel tight.

Till swallowed, struggling to find his voice. “Well… for what it’s worth, you’re not alone right now,” he murmured, his tone unsteady. He looked away quickly, not wanting Ivan to see the unexpected rush of empathy -and maybe something else- that had crept up on him.

Ivan’s gaze softened, lingering on Till for a moment longer than Till was prepared for. “Thanks, Till,” he said quietly, his voice filled with a sincerity that left Till feeling both exposed and strangely… understood.

After a beat of silence, Ivan let out a breath, his tone lightening as he glanced back at Till. “So… think you’re ready to head back in?”

Till nodded, cheeks warm, but he couldn’t help a small smile. “Yeah, I think I am.”

-

At Hyuna’s place, Till dropped onto the couch, running a hand through his hair with a huff. “I don’t know how he does it, but Ivan has this way of getting under my skin. It’s like… like he knows exactly what’ll bug me and just goes for it every time.” He leaned back, crossing his arms as if he were still mid-argument with Ivan.

Mizi exchanged a glance with Hyuna, who raised an eyebrow, a small, knowing smile on her lips. “You sure you’re not just overthinking it?” Hyuna asked casually, a touch of amusement in her voice. “Because for someone who claims not to care, you sure notice a lot about Ivan.”

Till blinked, caught off guard. “I- what?! No, it’s not like that. I don’t… notice him. I mean, it’s hard not to when he’s always there, you know?”

Mizi stifled a laugh, glancing at Hyuna, who seemed entirely unbothered by Till’s defensiveness. “Okay, sure, you’re not noticing him,” Hyuna said, her tone light but unmistakably teasing. “But you do talk about him a lot. Just an observation.”

Till felt a surge of heat rise to his face. “I… well, maybe he’s just annoying enough to talk about,” he muttered, his voice trailing off as he looked away, trying to ignore Hyuna’s words poking something he wasn’t ready to acknowledge.

Hyuna leaned back in her chair, clearly enjoying Till’s flustered state as she sipped her coffee. “You know, for someone who’s supposedly just annoying, Ivan sure takes up a lot of space in your head.”

Mizi nudged Till’s shoulder, not even bothering to hide her own amusement. “Hyuna’s got a point. I mean, you never rant this much about anyone else. Even Luka didn’t get this kind of attention, and he was practically the king of getting on your nerves when we were children.”

Till groaned, burying his face in his hands. “This isn’t a conspiracy, okay? Ivan’s just…” He paused, searching for the right words. “He’s… smug. Like, he thinks he knows everything, and he’s always so calm about it. It’s irritating.”

Hyuna exchanged another look with Mizi, the two of them barely containing their laughter. “Right,” Hyuna said, her tone dripping with mock seriousness. “I’m sure that’s all it is. Pure, unfiltered irritation.”

Mizi, always the peacekeeper, decided to ease up on the teasing. “Okay, okay, we’ll stop. But seriously, Till, maybe it’s worth thinking about why Ivan bugs you so much. Like, if it’s just his personality, or…” Her voice trailed off, leaving the rest of the thought unsaid to see how Till would interpret it.

Till frowned, lowering his hands just enough to glare at Mizi. “It’s his personality, obviously. What else would it be?”

Hyuna grinned, leaning forward slightly. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you’re annoyed because he gets under your skin in a way you don’t want to admit? Or maybe it’s because he sees things about you that even you don’t want to see.”

Till froze, her words hitting uncomfortably close to home. He didn’t like how they made his chest feel tight or how his mind immediately flashed to moments with Ivan- moments he’d dismissed as just… weird. Like the way Ivan’s gaze felt on him, or how his voice softened when he wasn’t teasing. Or the way his smile made Till feel like the floor wasn’t as steady as it should be.

Hyuna must have noticed his hesitation. “Hey,” she said gently, “it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right now.”

Mizi nodded, her expression kind but curious. “Maybe try to give Ivan the benefit of the doubt. He’s not as smug as you think, you know. I’ve known him longer than you have. He actually cares a lot about the people around him.”

Till scoffed, though it lacked his usual aggressiveness. “Yeah, well… maybe he should stop caring so much about bothering me.”

Hyuna chuckled, getting up to refill her coffee. “Or maybe you should stop pretending like it’s just bothering you.”

Till didn’t respond, but the conversation stayed with him, echoing in the quiet spaces of his mind.

Chapter 24: thick air

Summary:

Mizi snorted, and Till couldn’t even muster a sarcastic comeback. Instead, he set his mug down and moved to help, his mind still stuck on Ivan’s voice, Ivan’s words, Ivan’s quiet sadness on the terrace.

And why it mattered so much.

The low echo of the cello filled the empty living room, its rich sound vibrating softly against the walls. Ivan leaned into the notes, his bow gliding smoothly across the strings. The melody he played wasn’t something fully formed, just fragments of the tune Till had worked on earlier. It was raw and unpolished, but there was something honest about it that resonated with him.

As he closed his eyes, the terrace moment replayed in his mind. Till, leaning awkwardly against the railing, fumbling over his words, had looked so out of place, but seemed to be accepting it. “You’re not alone right now,” Till had said, his voice quieter than usual, almost like he didn’t want Ivan to hear it. Or maybe he didn’t want to admit he meant it.

Ivan’s bow faltered slightly. He opened his eyes, letting out a quiet sigh as the sound stopped, fading into the silence. The cello rested on his shoulder, steady, but his thoughts weren’t.

He shifted in his seat, running a hand through his hair before setting the bow down for a moment. The house was quiet, as it always was, but today it felt… different. He’d been alone for years now, and he’d grown used to it. But after spending the day with Till, Mizi’s laughter in the background, and the quiet moments on the terrace- he couldn’t shake the feeling that this silence wasn’t peaceful. It was just… empty.

Don’t overthink it, he thought to himself, shaking his head. His fingers tightened slightly around the neck of the cello. It’s just Till.

But it wasn’t just Till, was it? 

Ivan frowned, picking up the bow again. The defensive glances Till had given him all day came to mind. Ivan had been watching, quietly amused, as Till fumbled over every interaction. It wasn’t irritating. If anything, it was fascinating. Till wore his heart on his sleeve, even when he tried to act like he didn’t.

Ivan exhaled and positioned the bow again, drawing it across the strings in a long, deliberate note. This time, the melody came easier, fuller. He added harmonies to Till’s tune, something softer but fast, like the beat of his heart.

He played until the light outside casted shadows stretched across the room. When he finally set the cello aside, his chest felt a little tighter than before, the echo of the melody still playing in his head.

For now, he’d let the music speak for what he couldn’t quite put into words.

Ivan leaned back against the chair, as he stared at the faint reflection of himself in the window. The city lights outside twinkled like distant stars, but they felt too far away to reach. 

His feelings for Till had crept up on him slowly over the years, like the soft rise of a melody, until they became impossible to ignore. Till had been a face in the crowd once, back at a charity event when they were children. He hadn’t even known his name then, but the way Till had stood, small and nervous, kneeled down over a flower, telling it to cheer up, it etched itself into Ivan’s memory. Even now, the clarity of that moment surprised him.

He thought it would fade as they got closer, that Till’s flaws would eventually make his feelings get weaker. Instead, it had grown stronger. Till’s guarded, restless energy had a way of drawing him in, and the way Till fought so hard to keep people at a distance made Ivan want to get closer. It wasn’t logical, it wasn’t even practical- but it was undeniable, that Ivan had completely fallen for who was once the kid he once saw at the garden.

And that’s why Ivan couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t risk saying the wrong thing, pushing too hard, and losing the little space he had gained in Till’s life.

Till wasn’t like anyone else. If he found out about Ivan’s feelings, he wouldn’t stay out of politeness or obligation. He’d run. Ivan knew that. Till was like a stray cat, skittish and wary of any hand that reached out, no matter how kind the intention. So, Ivan didn’t reach.

Instead, he built the connection piece by piece. He watched Till, listened when no one else did, and found ways to stay in his life. Helping with the song was just another way to be close, to give Till a reason to come back. And yesterday, on the terrace, when Till had said, “You’re not alone right now,” Ivan had almost let himself believe it meant more than it did.

But it didn’t.

Till cared, sure. He was kind in his own way, but Ivan wasn’t foolish enough to think it went deeper than that. Till was defensive for a reason- he didn’t want to let anyone in, least of all Ivan.

Ivan rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a quiet sigh. “Just keep him close,” he murmured to himself, his voice barely above a whisper. That’s enough.

It had to be enough.

His gaze drifted back to the cello, the strings still vibrating faintly with the echoes of the melody he’d played. Till’s melody. The notes felt like a piece of Till himself. Ivan picked up the bow again, his fingers steady as he set it against the strings. He played the tune once more, slower this time, softer, as if trying to bring himself to ease, to believe it was enough.

If he could keep this, keep playing Till’s melody, keep these moments where they worked side by side, maybe he could hold onto Till for just a little longer. Maybe, even if Till never saw him the same way, Ivan could still have this- a quiet connection, unspoken but real, something that would Till by his side without needing to explain why.

As the final note faded into the silence, Ivan leaned back, closing his eyes. The weight in his chest hadn’t lifted, but at least it felt familiar now. Loneliness wasn’t so bad when it had a name, and tonight, the name of it was Till.

-

At Hyuna’s place, Till sat at the dining table, his hands around a mug of coffee that was still too hot to drink. He tapped his fingers against the side of the ceramic, his mind stuck on the time at Ivan’s terrace. It wasn’t just Ivan’s words that bothered him (though they stayed around more than he wanted to admit) it was the feeling, that strange something between them. He hated how unsettled it left him.

Hyuna glanced at him from across the room, where she was folding laundry. “You’ve got that look again,” she said casually, breaking the silence.

Till blinked, looking up. “What look?”

“The one you get when you’re overthinking something but don’t want to admit it,” she replied, not even glancing up from the shirt in her hands. “Want to talk about it, or should I just leave you to have another existential crisis?”

Till rolled his eyes, his lips twitching into a grimace. “I’m not overthinking anything. I’m just… tired.”

“Right.” Hyuna gave him a skeptical glance before dropping the folded shirt onto a pile. “And by ‘tired,’ you mean annoyed, don’t you?”

Till sighed, leaning back in his chair. “Fine. Annoyed. You happy?”

“I’ll be happy when you actually tell me what’s going on,” she said, crossing her arms. “Let me guess- that kid called, what was it, Ivan?”

He groaned, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “Why does everyone think everything I do has to do with Ivan?”

“Because lately, it kind of does,” Mizi looked up from the couch. “You’ve been talking about him a lot. Like, a lot.”

“I don’t talk about him that much,” Till muttered, though the defensive edge in his voice only made Mizi snicker.

Hyuna raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you? Didn’t you spend twenty minutes last week going on about how his handwriting was weirdly perfect? Or how he hums the song you guys have been working on under his breath when he thinks no one’s listening?”

Till stiffened, feeling his face heat. “That doesn’t mean anything. He’s just… He’s Ivan! He’s smug and weirdly intense, and-”

“And you notice everything about him,” Hyuna interrupted, her tone calm but pointed. She took a step closer, her gaze steady. “Come on, Till. You can’t expect us not to see it. You’re not someone that cares that much for others, yet you’ve been… I don’t know, orbiting him for weeks now.”

“I don’t-” Till started to argue, but Hyuna cut him off again, her voice softer this time.

“You do,” she said simply. “And it’s okay. I told you before, you don’t need answers just yet. Maybe you’re just not ready to admit things yet.”

The words hit him harder than he expected. He opened his mouth to argue, but nothing came out. Instead, he stared into his coffee, his mind racing. Was that what this was? Was it more than irritation?

Mizi, sensing his hesitation, set her phone (where she was texting Sua) aside and leaned over the arm of the couch. “Don’t shut him out like you did to me, okay? I think he cares about you a lot more than you realize.”

Her words left him feeling strangely annoyed, like someone had took away the best piece of chicken he was saving to eat last. He nodded mutely, not trusting himself to say anything without opening up his heart more comfortable than he was.

“Good,” Hyuna said, her voice lightening as she moved back toward the laundry. “Now stop sulking and help me fold these clothes. It’s the least you can do for invading my space.”

Mizi snorted, and Till couldn’t even muster a sarcastic comeback. Instead, he set his mug down and moved to help, his mind still stuck on Ivan’s voice, Ivan’s words, Ivan’s quiet sadness on the terrace.

And why it mattered so much.

-

The night air was cool as Till stared at the ceiling of his shared room at the orphanage. His bed creaked faintly as he shifted, restless. The faint snores of the younger kids filled the space, a comforting background noise that Till usually found soothing. Tonight, though, it felt like fucking tilting, messing with his already overloaded mind.

Ivan’s voice echoed in his head- soft, steady, with that undertone of sadness Till couldn’t seem to erase from his mind. “It’s nice having someone to work with. Makes things… feel less lonely.”

Till groaned and rolled onto his side, squeezing his eyes shut. Why can’t I just stop thinking about this? he thought.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t heard things like that before. Everyone got lonely sometimes, especially in places like this, where being alone was practically normal. So why did hearing it from Ivan feel different? Why did it twist his stomach and stab his chest like a knife he couldn’t pull out?

Maybe it was just the way Ivan said it. He always had that calm, composed voice, like nothing could shame him. But when he said those words on the terrace, there was a crack in it, a vulnerability Till hadn’t seen before. It made Ivan feel… real.

Too real.

Till rubbed a hand over his face, frustration building. His thoughts felt like they were circling a drain, pulling him toward something he wasn’t ready to look at. It’s just Ivan, he told himself. He’s just annoying and smug and always getting under my skin.

But then his mind betrayed him again, replaying moments he didn’t want to acknowledge. Ivan’s quiet encouragement when they worked on the song. The way he hummed the melody under his breath, almost like it meant something to him. The way he looked at Till- not with judgment or pity, but like he saw him for who he was

And then there was that damn terrace. Till’s stomach twisted as he remembered the way Ivan’s expression softened when he’d said, “You’re not alone right now.” He meant it, and the expression in Ivan’s face had felt… good. Safe, even.

Till let out a sharp breath, trying to push the memory away. He wasn’t like that. He wasn’t… gay. He had only ever imagined himself being with Mizi before. Not once had he thought about guys that way before, not once. 

He wasn’t homophobic- Mizi was with Sua, and despite Mizi being his crush for a long time in the past before, he was happy for them. He didn’t have a problem with it- it wasn’t a big deal. But him?

It didn’t make sense. It couldn’t be right.

But then why did Ivan keep popping into his head? Why did he notice so much about him- his stupid handwriting, his dumb little hums, the way his hair always looked like he just stepped out of the barber? Why did it bother him so much when Ivan wasn’t around?

“Stop,” Till muttered to himself, pressing his hands against his temples. He couldn’t think about this. It didn’t mean anything. He was probably just overthinking it like Hyuna always said. Ivan was just a friend- annoying, sure, but a friend. That’s all.

But as he rolled onto his back again, staring blankly at the ceiling, Till couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling in his chest, the quiet voice that whispered, What if it’s more?

The thought sent a jolt of panic through him, and he shook his head, trying to drown it out. He wasn’t ready to face that, not yet. Maybe not ever.

For now, he told himself, he’d focus on the song, on the showcase, on anything but the way Ivan’s absence left an ache in his chest-

If he just ignored it, maybe it would go away.

It had to.

As Till’s breathing slowly evened out and the room grew quieter, the only sound left was the faint hum of the wind outside the window, carrying the echo of a melody he couldn’t quite forget.

-

The first faint rays of sunrise painted the sky in soft pink and gold as Hyuna climbed the stairs to her small apartment, her feet dragging with the exhaustion of another long night at the bar. The noise of the city of Seoul waking up was in tue background, and her mind was heavy, cluttered with memories she hadn’t been able to shake lately- memories of Hyun Woo.

She reached her door and froze. Luka was there, sitting on the cold floor, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees, his fingertips blue. His head rested against the wall, and his eyes were downcast, hollowed by exhaustion. His coat was slightly damp from the early morning dew, his hair messy in a way that betrayed just how long he had been waiting.

Her first instinct was to tell him to leave, to turn her back and let him waste his time. But something about the way he sat there, so small, so unlike the confident idol the world saw- it made her pause.

Luka noticed her before she could decide. He looked up slowly, his eyes meeting hers with a flicker of something she didn’t recognize. Vulnerability? Defeat? She couldn’t tell.

“Hyuna,” he rasped, his voice hoarse from the cold and likely from lack of sleep. “Please.”

She sighed, the sound heavy with resignation. “What are you doing here, Luka?”

“I…” He paused, struggling to find the words. “I just… I need to talk to you. Please, just hear me out.”

Her brows furrowed as she stared down at him, her fatigue fighting against the anger bubbling up inside her. She should send him away. After everything, she owed him nothing. And yet…

Without a word, she turned and unlocked her door, pushing it open and stepping inside. She didn’t invite him in, not explicitly, but she didn’t stop him either. Luka hesitated for a moment before slowly getting to his feet and following her inside.

The apartment was small and cluttered,  it was cold, a stark contrast to the warm world Hyuna believed Luka lived in. Hyuna tossed her bag onto the couch and shrugged out of her coat, not sparing him a glance as she moved into the kitchen.

“You want tea or something?” she asked flatly, her back to him.

“Sure,” Luka said quietly, his voice almost drowned out by the sound of water running.

She returned a few minutes later with two steaming mugs, setting one in front of him before sinking onto the couch. She held her own mug in between her palms, trying to warm her hands, and staring at the floor as silence stretched between them.

“Talk,” she said finally, her tone sharp and tired all at once. “Say whatever you came here to say.”

Luka sat on the edge of the armchair, his blue fingertips wrapped tightly around the mug as if it were the only thing keeping him sane. He hesitated, his eyes fixed on the tea, before finally speaking.

“I can’t do it anymore,” he admitted, his voice trembling slightly. “This… life. The agency, the fans, the expectations- it’s all so much, Hyuna. It’s like I’m living someone else’s life, playing a role they wrote for me. And no matter what I do, it never feels like mine.”

Hyuna frowned, her grip on her mug tightening. “What does that have to do with me?”

He looked up at her then, his eyes desperate. “Because you’re the only thing that feels real. You’re the only one who knows who I really am, who remembers me before all of this. Before Heperu, before the agency, before the cameras and the lies. You’re the only thing that makes my life feel like it’s mine.”

Her breath hitched, and she looked away, staring out the window. “You left, Luka. You chose this life over me. Over us. And now you’re coming back because you feel lost? That’s not fair.”

“I know it’s not,” Luka said quickly. “I know I have no right to ask you for anything. But Hyuna, I need you. I can’t keep doing this without something real to hold onto. And you’re the only thing I have left.”

His words hit her like a punch to the gut. She hated how they made her chest tighten, how they stirred up feelings she thought she’d buried long ago. She hated how true they felt.

“You don’t get to do this,” she said quietly, her voice trembling with barely contained frustration. “You don’t get to walk back into my life and expect me to fix you. Not after everything.”

“I’m not asking you to fix me,” Luka said, his voice breaking. “I just… I just want to be here. With you. Even if you hate me, even if you never forgive me- I just need to be near you. Because without you, I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Hyuna let out a shaky breath, her hands trembling slightly as she set her mug down on the table. She pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill over.

“I hate you, Luka,” she whispered, her voice filled with resentment. “I hate you for leaving me. For not being there when Hyun Woo—” Her voice cracked, and she shook her head, “For it not being you that got adopted by those people. Because I know for a fact-” She looked at Luka in the eyes, her blue eyes teared up, thick eyebrows close together as her face had a clear way of showing what she felt; rage and hatred. “I know for a fact you are not half the person Hyun Woo was. And if it were you that got adopted by them, you would not stand up for that mother, unlike him- because you are a fucking coward, aren’t you?” She laughed angrily, ignoring the boiling water of tea that spilled from her mug and burnt her skin. “If it were you that got adopted that day, Hyun Woo would still be alive.”

Luka flinched at her words, the tea trembled, spilling slightly over the rim onto his already cold fingers, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“You think I don’t know that?” he whispered, his voice raw and breaking. “You think I don’t wake up every day knowing that I’m not Hyun Woo? That I couldn’t have been him, even if I tried? I’ve thought about it every day since he…” He stopped himself, his voice choking on the word, and looked down, his shoulders trembling. “I know I’m a coward, Hyuna. You don’t have to remind me. But it is not like I rejected the adoption knowing this would happen.”

Hyuna froze, her anger faltering for just a second as she watched him crumble in front of her. She wanted to hold onto her rage, to let it shield her from the vulnerability spreading off of him, but his words cut through her defenses like glass.

“If you know that,” she said, her voice quieter but not less biting, “then why are you here? What do you want from me, Luka? I’m not going to forgive you. I can’t. Not for everything.”

“I don’t want forgiveness,” Luka said quickly, his voice desperate. He finally looked up. “No one really knows who I really am anymore. But you…” His voice cracked, and he looked down again, his hands gripping the mug like it was his last lifeline. “You’re the only one who knows who I was before. It’s not like Mizi and Till remember shit about me, they were seven. The only one who ever really knew me is… You.”

Hyuna clenched her jaw, trying to ignore the way his words made her chest ache. “I knew you when we were kids, Luka. Before you left. But now? I don’t know who you are anymore.”

He let out a bitter laugh, the sound hollow. “Neither do I,” he admitted. “But being here… with you, it’s the only thing that feels real. Like my life belongs to me. Everything else feels like a script I’m supposed to follow. But you… you remind me of who I used to be. Of what I was trying to hold onto before I…” He trailed off, his words hanging heavy in the air.

Hyuna narrowed her eyes, studying him closely. There was something he wasn’t saying, something buried beneath his desperation and his words. Luka had always been good at hiding, but she could see the cracks now, and could see how deeply he was struggling to keep himself together.

“What are you not telling me?” she asked, her voice sharper now, cutting through the heavy air.

Luka stiffened, his hands stilling on the mug. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve always hidden things, Luka. Even back then. You’re not just here because you’re lost or lonely. There’s something else.” She leaned forward, her eyes locking onto his. “What is it?”

He hesitated, his mouth opening slightly as if to answer, but no words came out. Instead, he lowered his gaze again, his grip on the mug tightening until his knuckles turned white. He took a sip of the tea, followed by a moment of silence.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said finally, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. “I’m here because I need you, Hyuna. That’s all.”

Her frustration flared again, the familiar anger sparking in her chest. “That’s not all, and you know it,” she snapped. “But fine. Don’t tell me. Keep running from whatever it is you’re hiding. That’s what you’re good at, isn’t it?”

Luka flinched, but he didn’t respond. The silence between them grew heavier, the presence of unspoken truths bothering both of them.

Hyuna stood abruptly, putting down her mug on the side table. “You should go,” she said, her voice cold and final. “I’m too tired of this. Of you.”

Luka looked up at her, his expression crumpling. “Hyuna, please-”

“I said go,” she interrupted, her voice cracking slightly despite her effort to stay composed. “I can’t do this right now.”

Luka stayed still for a second before he stood up slowly, setting the mug down on the table with trembling hands. For a moment, he looked like he was going to say something, but then he nodded, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

As he moved toward the door, Hyuna felt a shot of guilt twist in her chest, but she pushed it down, clinging to her anger instead. She wouldn’t let him pull her back into his life, not when he had left her alone with all the pain he claimed to share.

Before he stepped out, Luka turned to look at her one last time. “For what it’s worth,” he said softly, his voice barely audible, “I never wanted to leave you. Not then. Not now.”

And with that, he was gone, leaving Hyuna standing in the middle of her small, cluttered apartment, his words in the air, haunting Hyuna like a ghost.

Chapter 25: off balance

Summary:

Ivan hesitated, his fingers stilling on his cup. For a moment, Till thought he wouldn’t answer, but then Ivan spoke, his voice quieter than before. “My birthday’s coming up.”

“Okay…?” Till said slowly, unsure where this was going.

“February 14th,” Ivan continued, his gaze dropping to the table. “Valentine’s Day. Not exactly the easiest day to celebrate when you’re single.”

The school hallway was bustling with students, chatter and footsteps echoing off the tiled floors as the winter chill seeped in through the walls. Till shoved his books into his bag, his movements stiff. He didn’t know why he’d agreed to meet Ivan after class. Maybe it was guilt, or maybe it was just that weird pull that Ivan had, which always made Till feel like saying no wasn’t an option.

But mostly, Till hated how Ivan could just… make him feel things. Things he didn’t want to think about, let alone acknowledge.

“Till.”

He didn’t have to look up to know who it was. Ivan’s voice was calm, steady, and far too close for comfort.

“What?” Till snapped, slinging his bag over his shoulder. He turned to see Ivan standing there, his hands in his pockets, head tilted in that maddeningly patient way, like he already knew Till was annoyed and didn’t care.

“Still coming with me?” Ivan asked, his tone casual, but kind of needy like a puppy.

Till scowled. “Yeah, I said I would, didn’t I?”

Ivan smiled faintly, the kind of smile that always made Till’s stomach twist in ways he refused to acknowledge. “Just making sure. You’ve got that look on your face like you’d rather be anywhere else.”

“Maybe I would,” Till muttered under his breath, brushing past Ivan and heading for the exit of the classroom. He didn’t wait to see if Ivan was following. He didn’t need to- he always was.

They walked toward the coffee shop Ivan had picked beforehand. The walk was quiet, the kind of silence Till usually appreciated but found awkward now. Ivan matched his pace easily, his presence steady but discreet, like he was giving Till space while still staying close. It was irritating. Or at least, that’s what Till told himself.

When they finally reached the shop, Till was hit with a wave of warmth and the smell of coffee beans. He shrugged off his coat (the coat that once belonged to Ivan) and found a table near the back, away from the chatter of other customers. Ivan followed, setting his own bag down and slipping into the seat across from Till.

“What’s this about, anyway?” Till asked, his tone sharper than he meant it to be.

Ivan didn’t answer right away. Instead, he leaned back in his chair, studying Till with that infuriatingly calm expression. “Nothing serious. Just thought it’d be nice to get out for a bit.”

Till frowned, suspicion rising at the corners of his thoughts. “You don’t just do things like this. What’s the catch?”

“No catch,” Ivan said smoothly. “But if it helps, I can say it’s part of working on the song.”

Till rolled his eyes but didn’t argue. They’d been working on the piece for the showcase for months now, bouncing ideas back and forth until it was something Till was almost proud of. But there was always that nagging feeling whenever they worked together- that Ivan wasn’t just interested in the music. That he was watching Till too closely, peeling back layers Till wasn’t ready to reveal.

They sat in silence for a while, the quiet punctuated by the occasional clink of cups and low hum of conversation around them. Ivan got up to order coffee, knowing Till’s taste. 

Shortly after, he came back with two cups of coffee and two sweet treats. After he put the tray on the table, the first did was to add some extra sugar on his cappuccino with lots of foam and a pinch of cinnamon on top of.  He then reached to take a sip of his coffee, gaze drifting out the window, and for once, Till found himself watching Ivan instead of avoiding his eyes.

There was something annoying about the way Ivan carried himself. It was like he belonged everywhere and nowhere at once. Till hated how he noticed things like how Ivan’s hair caught the light, how his fingers tapped absentmindedly against his cup. He hated how Ivan made him feel like he was on the verge of something he couldn’t name.

“What’s your deal?” Till blurted out before he could stop himself.

Ivan turned to him, one brow raised. “My deal?”

“Yeah,” Till said, suddenly feeling stupid for asking. “You’re… I don’t know. Weird. Always so calm, like nothing bothers you.”

Ivan’s faint smile returned, but this time it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You’d be surprised by how much actually bothers me.”

Till frowned, his irritation mixing with curiosity. “Like what?”

Ivan hesitated, his fingers stilling on his cup. For a moment, Till thought he wouldn’t answer, but then Ivan spoke, his voice quieter than before. “My birthday’s coming up.”

“Okay…?” Till said slowly, unsure where this was going.

“February 14th,” Ivan continued, his gaze dropping to the table. “Valentine’s Day. Not exactly the easiest day to celebrate when you’re single.”

Till snorted, trying to mask the way Ivan’s words made his chest feel tight. “So what? You’re saying you’re lonely or something?”

Ivan’s smile turned wry. “Something like that.”

Till shifted in his seat, suddenly uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to Ivan being so… open. It made him feel like he should say something, but what? He wasn’t good at this kind of thing.

“Your parents do anything for it?” he asked awkwardly.

Ivan shrugged, his expression unreadable. “The give me expensive gifts, and bring me cake sometimes.” He looked down into his mug. “It’s not really my birthday, though. Just the day they brought me home.”

Till blinked, the words catching him off guard. “What do you mean?”

Ivan’s gaze met his, and for the first time, Till saw something in Ivan’s eyes he couldn’t imagine him portraying. Vulnerability. Sadness. Loneliness. “It’s my adoption date. My parents never told me outright, but… I figured it out.”

The room felt quieter suddenly, the sounds of the coffee shop fading into the background. Till didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know how to feel. He just stared at Ivan.

“You don’t talk about that stuff much,” Till said finally, his voice softer than he expected.

“Not much to talk about,” Ivan replied, his tone light but hollow. “It’s just a day.”

Till frowned, his chest tight. He wanted to say something -anything- but the words wouldn’t come. He took a deep breath as he just sat there, the silence between them feeling heavier than it ever had before.

“How did you figure it out?” Till managed to ask after a while, gathering up his thoughts. 

Ivan’s fingers tightened slightly around the mug, his gaze dropping to the swirling foam on top of his cappuccino. “Blood types,” he said simply, his voice steady but subdued. “Mine doesn’t match my parents’.”

Till blinked, caught off guard by the bluntness of the answer. “Blood types?”

Ivan nodded, his expression distant. “They’re both O-positive. I’m B-positive. I didn’t think about it much when I was a kid, but in high school, we learned about inheritance and genetics. This was before I transferred to our school.” He let out a small, bitter laugh. “I remember sitting there in biology class, realizing it didn’t add up. That was… an interesting day.”

Till didn’t know what to say. Ivan’s words settled over him like a heavy blanket, and he found himself gripping his coffee cup a little tighter. “Did you… ever ask them about it?”

Ivan shook his head, his smile turning faint, as if he pitied himself. Something he had never shown towards Till, not when he failed physics, not when he told him about being rejected by Mizi, not even when he told him about Till himself being an orphan.

“No point. They’ve never mentioned it, so I assume they don’t want me to know. And if they don’t want me to know, what would asking them accomplish?”

Till frowned, something about that answer bothering him. “But doesn’t that… I don’t know, bother you? Not knowing for sure?”

“It used to,” Ivan admitted, his voice quiet. “But I’ve had a long time to make peace with it. I know what they expect from me. I know where I stand with them. That’s enough.”

Till opened his mouth to argue, to say something about how unfair that sounded, but the words got caught in his throat. He wasn’t sure why, but Ivan’s calm acceptance of it all made him feel… angry. Not at Ivan, but at the whole situation. At the idea that someone like Ivan, someone who seemed so put-together, so composed- could be carrying this kind of sorrowness around with him.

“It’s not just a day,” Till muttered somehow, his voice careful. “You shouldn’t just… treat it like it doesn’t matter.”

Ivan’s eyes flicked up to meet Till’s, surprise flashing across his face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Till hesitated, suddenly unsure of himself. “I mean, it’s your life. You shouldn’t just let them decide what’s important and what’s not. If it bothers you, you should-”

“Should what?” Ivan interrupted gently, though there was a faint tilt to his voice. “Confront them? Demand answers? And then what? It doesn’t change anything, Till. I know who I am. I know where I came from. And I know they care about me in their own way. That’s enough.”

Till bit back a retort, his jaw tightening. He didn’t understand how Ivan could just… let it go like that. But maybe it wasn’t his place to understand. Maybe it wasn’t his business at all.

The silence stretched between them again, heavy and awkward. Ivan took another sip of his coffee, his gaze drifting back to the window. Till stared down at his own cup, his thoughts churning.

After a moment, Ivan spoke again, his tone lighter but still tinged with something Till couldn’t quite place. “You’re quiet. That’s not like you.”

Till scowled, more at himself than at Ivan. “I’m just thinking.”

“About?”

“About how you’re weird,” Till said bluntly, though there was no aggressiveness in his words. “And how you make everything sound so… neat and clean, like it doesn’t bother you at all.”

Ivan’s lips curved into a small, playful smile. “Maybe I’m just good at pretending.”

Till looked up at him then, something in Ivan’s voice catching him off guard. “Are you?”

Ivan didn’t answer right away. Instead, he turned his cup slowly in his hands, his gaze fixed on the steam rising from the coffee. “Sometimes,” he said finally, his voice soft. “It’s easier than the alternative.”

“What’s the alternative?” Till asked, his voice quieter now, almost hesitant.

Ivan took a sip from his cappuccino, his fingers tightening slightly around the cup. “The alternative is letting it get to you,” he said, his tone steady but soft. “Letting it eat away at you until there’s nothing left. I’ve seen it happen to people. My parents are good at pretending too, you know. I guess it runs in the family.” He said with a hint of irony in his voice.

Till frowned, his chest tightening at the calmness of Ivan’s voice. It wasn’t defensive or bitter- it was resigned. Like he’d already come to terms with something Till couldn’t begin to understand.

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Till said before he could stop himself. “You shouldn’t have to pretend all the time. That’s not… normal.”

Ivan’s lips twitched, his snaggletooth biting down onto his lower lip. “What’s normal, then?”

“Not this,” Till snapped, gesturing vaguely toward Ivan. “Not acting like it’s fine when it’s clearly not.”

Ivan tilted his head slightly, studying Till with an unreadable expression. “And what about you?” he asked, his voice even. “You’re always so quick to tell other people what they should do, but what about you, Till? When’s the last time you stopped pretending?”

Till froze, the question hitting him harder, caught unexpected. “This isn’t about me,” he muttered, his gaze dropping to his coffee cup.

“No,” Ivan agreed, Till could feel his gaze on himself. “It’s not. But it could be. If you wanted it to be.”

Till’s head snapped up, his eyes narrowing. “What’s that fucking supposed to mean?”

Ivan shrugged, his expression calm but unreadable. “Nothing. Just that maybe you’re not as different from me as you think.”

Till clenched his jaw, his mind racing with things he wanted to say but couldn’t quite find the words for. He hated how Ivan always seemed to turn things around, how he could shift the focus so effortlessly. And he hated even more that Ivan might be right.

“I’m not the one acting like the history of my life doesn’t matter,” Till said finally, his voice sharper than he intended. “You’re the one who’s okay with just… being someone else’s idea of perfect.”

Ivan flinched, the tiniest flicker of emotion crossing his face before he quickly masked it. “Maybe,” he said after a moment, his voice quieter. “But sometimes it’s easier to be what people want than to figure out what you want for yourself.”

His words hung in the air, mainly because Till didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to say anything. He just stared at Ivan, his thoughts a mixed with a mess of frustration, confusion, and pity. Not for Ivan, but himself. For feeling this way towards him. Something he didn’t want to give a name to.

Ivan looked down at his coffee, his fingers tracing the rim of the cup. “Anyway,” he said after a long silence, his tone calmer now. “Thanks for listening, I guess. I don’t talk about this stuff much.”

Till blinked, the sudden shift catching him off guard. “I didn’t… I mean, it’s not like I-”

“I know,” Ivan interrupted. “But you did anyway. So… thanks.”

Till didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t. He just nodded, his grip tightening on his coffee cup. He wasn’t sure why he felt so annoyed- he knew a part of him was frustrated because he thought the history of one’s self meant a lot about them. His life before the orphanage, how he ended up there and what happened at the orphanage were all the things that shaped how he was. 

It was annoying how Ivan seemed to not care ablut any of these attributes of himself.

Ivan didn’t press him any longer. He just leaned back in his chair, his gaze drifting to the window once  again. The light outside had shifted, the sun dipping lower in the sky and casting long shadows across the coffee shop. The quiet between them wasn’t as awkward now, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable either. The background noise of the coffee shop helped Till ease off, somehow.

“Do you ever stop pretending?” Till asked suddenly, surprising even himself with the question.

Ivan turned to him, his expression softening. “Sometimes,” he said quietly. “when I am with you. But not too often.”

Till froze, the words felt so heavy on his chest that he felt the physical pain. “When you’re with me?” Till repeated, his voice a little sharper than he meant it to be. It wasn’t anger- more like confusion, or maybe some disbelief.

Ivan nodded, his gaze now steady on Till. There wasn’t a trace of hesitation in his expression, and that was what threw Till off the most. Ivan wasn’t being sarcastic or teasing, he wasn’t even trying to provoke him. He was just… honest.

“I don’t mean it in some dramatic way,” Ivan said, his voice soft. “But when I’m around you, I don’t feel like I have to put on the same act I do with everyone else. You don’t expect me to be perfect, or to say the right thing, or to be… I don’t know. The version of me that my parents or anyone else expects.”

Till’s fingers curled around his coffee cup that now started to get cold, unlike Ivan, he had not been taking sips during their conversation. He hated how his chest tightened at Ivan’s words, hated how much they made him want to lean in and understand more. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he muttered, his voice kind of rough.

Ivan tilted his head slightly, a small, knowing smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “You do. You just don’t want to.”

Till’s gaze snapped up to meet Ivan’s, heat rising to his face. “Stop that,” he said, his voice a little louder than he intended. A couple of heads turned their way, but Ivan didn’t flinch.

“Stop what?”

“Acting like you know what I’m thinking,” Till shot back, his tone sharp.

Ivan shrugged, his expression calm. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, Till. But I know how you are. You don’t like being seen. Not really.”

Till’s stomach twisted, almost making him feel nauseous. Helooked away, his gaze fixating on the people waiting in line to order. “You don’t know anything about me.”

Ivan let out a quiet laugh, but it wasn’t mocking- it was soft, almost wistful. Slowly, he took a bite off the small chocolate lava cake he brought, chewing carefully before speaking up. “I know more than you think.”

Till couldn’t stand the way Ivan was looking at him, like he could see through every wall Till had spent years building. The walls that he built to keep himself safe, and to not bring pain to anyone who might feel anything towards him. “Why are you even telling me this?” he asked, his voice quieter now, more frustrated than angry. “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you,” Ivan said simply, his voice steady. “I’m just… lonely, like I said. Tired of pretending too, kind of. And you’re the only person I don’t feel like I have to with.”

Till clenched his jaw, his thoughts now a chaotic mess. He hated how Ivan’s words made him feel, like the ground beneath him wasn’t as solid as he thought. He hated the way Ivan looked at him- calm, steady, and entirely unshaken, like he wasn’t afraid of whatever mess Till was.

It made Till want to beat the fuck out of Ivan.

“Do you ever stop pretending?” Ivan asked suddenly, echoing Till’s earlier question.

Till blinked, his fingers tightening around his coffee cup. “I’m not pretending.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow, but he didn’t say anything, just watched Till with that same quiet patience that made Till’s skin crawl. It wasn’t the kind of patience that came from pity- it was the kind that came from understanding, and that was what scared Till the most.

“I’m not,” Till repeated, his voice more aggresive now, almost defensive.

“Okay,” Ivan said softly, his tone so gentle that it felt like a challenge.

Till hated that he didn’t know how to respond again. He hated how Ivan’s presence made him feel so exposed, like all the parts of himself he tried to keep hidden were suddenly out in the open. He wanted to yell, to storm out, to do anything but sit here under Ivan’s quiet gaze. But he didn’t move. He couldn’t.

He felt naked in front of Ivan, like his body and his emotions had never truly belonged to him. As if they’d always been something others could take, shape, and decide the meaning of, leaving him with nothing to call his own.

He looked down at his coffee, now cold, his reflection distorted in the rippling surface. “Why me?” he asked finally, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What do you mean?” Ivan asked, his voice just as soft.

“Why do you feel like you can be yourself around me?” Till asked, his gaze still fixed on his coffee. “I’m not… I’m not good at this kind of stuff. I’m not good at anything, really.”

“That’s not true,” Ivan said immediately, his tone firm but gentle. “You’re better at this than you think. You listen, even when you don’t want to. You care, even when you pretend not to. That’s more than most people can do.”

Till looked up then, meeting Ivan’s gaze, and for a moment, the world felt like it had gone completely still. There was something in Ivan’s eyes, something quiet and steady and real… it made Till’s heart beat faster, feelings that got twisted in his stomach now rising to his head with each beat, making his mind foggy.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Till said, his voice barely audible.

Ivan’s lips curved into a small, soft smile. “I don’t want anything from you, Till. I just… want to be around you. That’s all.”

Till felt a shock down his spine, like an unseen hand had reached into his chest and gripped his heart with an inhuman force. He looked away, his thoughts were too tangled to make sense of, his mind foggy. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to deal with the way Ivan made him feel. All he knew was that he didn’t want this moment to end, no matter how much it scared him.

-

hyuna 

this is all your fucking fault

01:21

What?

01:47

this is all because 

you chose to be a fucking

non traditional woman

you are the closest thing i have to a fucking parent

and you’re weird

did you peg luka or something is that why he is so obsessed with you??

01:48

Till 

Are you on fucking drugs?

Did you drink too much coffee or something?

Having an aneurysm??

01:48

i wish 

i wish i was havign a ficking anyrusm

i wish i drank coffee than open my fucking mouth

01:49

What’s wrong?

01:49

 

Till took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Calm everything that was going on within him. 

 

hyuna

mizi is a lesbian because of you 

bitch

01:50

Till actually what the fuck are you on?

01:51

hyuna

hyuna

noona

unni

your mf independent 

gender role breaking ass

gym, smoke, alcohol, fucking barman

01:52

Barmaid*

01:52

WHATEVER

it made mizi a lesbian

or bi-whatever-she-said

01:52

Bisexual.

01:53

cause how else 

would she realize she was a lesbian if she had conventional parents

01:54 

Till, I can’t tell if you’re being homophobic 

Or pinning over Mizi again

Didn’t Mizi girlfriend have conventional parents!

Your point is not made

Also, stop saying shit like this

It’s borderline homophobic

01:56

 

Hyuna looked at the screen of her phone, taking a smoke break outside the bar. There was a moment of silence from Till before he finally responded.

 

i am so NOT homophobic

02:01

You don’t sound like a not homophobic person right now.

02:01

oh well

i am just saying

maybe if you were a lil bit more normal

everyone around you wouldn’t be borderline gay

02:02

????

Are you being homophobic or pining over Mizi man?

So I can respond accordingly.

02:02

neither

02:02

Then what is your point?

02:03

look at mizi

fucking gay when she has had me pinning over her for what, 11 years?

look at luka

twink, femboy

i kid you not isaac likes taking it up the ass too

02:04

What the fuck is wrong with you?

02:05

 

Hyuna began typing a sharp response, ready to scold Till for making such ignorant observations. She understood that his past had been rougher than most of the other kids at the orphanage, but this still wasn’t the kind of behaviour she expected from him. However, before she could finish typing, another message from Till popped up, cutting her off.

and now

me

liking guys

or

a guy

idk

it’s your fault

fucking hell

i JUST FYCKING GOT OVER MIXI

ok that’s a lie

i am not fully over her

and now i don’t onow if i wanna punch this guy in the face and break his tooth

or 

be desperate and die

that sounds easier

02:08

Chapter 26: inhale

Summary:

Till shook his head, his cheeks flushing slightly. “Just confused. About you. About me. About… everything.”

The room fell into silence. Ivan was afraid to open his mouth, to voice his feelings about Till, to ruin everything between them. He wanted to reach out, to tell Till it was okay to feel all of that, but he didn’t want to push. He leaned back slightly again, giving Till the space he was so eager to invade.

“I’m not going anywhere, Till. You have time to learn about… these feelings of yours, I guess.” Ivan finally said, breaking the silence.

Hyuna’s apartment was as it always was, cozy but messy, with the faint smell of coffee mixed with the scent of some expensive cologne that probably belonged to some guy she’d let in. Till sat on the couch, fidgeting with his sleeves as Hyuna moved around in the small kitchen corner. Her usual sharp energy seemed dulled, her movements wake yet distracted. Her face was still, as if she wasn’t quite herself.

“Coffee’s almost ready,” Hyuna called over her shoulder. Her tone was casual, but there was something that seemed to be bothering her underneath. “And don’t think I’m letting you off the hook just because I haven’t said anything yet. We need to talk about those texts.”

Till froze. His stomach twisted at the mention of the messages- late night words typed in a moment of frustration and confusion he couldn’t quite explain. He tried to compose himself as Hyuna walked over, setting two mugs on the coffee table.

“Right,” he muttered, taking the mug she handed him. “About that… I think I might’ve just been-”

“Stop,” Hyuna cut him off, her voice sharp but not mean, at least not yet. “You weren’t drunk or high, so don’t even try to play that card. What’s really going on?”

Till avoided her gaze, his fingers tightening around the warm mug. “I was just... I don’t know. Confused, I guess.” He hesitated, his voice faltering. “Ivan told me some stuff. About how he’s adopted. It just… hit me. I empathized, and maybe it got to me more than I thought.” He exhaled, trying to gather his thoughts, but the words got out of his mouth messily. “I’ve been in this weird emotional vacancy, you know? Since Mizi. And Ivan... kind of filled it, but not in a weird way-” He stopped himself, frustration starting to boil over. “I mean, I was confused.”

Hyuna leaned back, crossing her arms. Her gaze, piercing and unforgiving, made him wanna disappear. “So, you’re saying you’re confused because Ivan managed to make you feel something?”

“It’s not like that!” Till snapped, the words spilling out too quickly. “It’s just... I’ve been dependent on Mizi for so long. She’s been my comfort, my safe space. And now, with Ivan, it’s... different. He’s weird. Calm and patient, and he just... gets under my skin.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow. “That’s a lot of words to not actually say anything. What are you really feeling, Till?”

He took a deep breath, his hands tightening around the mug. “I don’t know,” he admitted, quieter now. He felt smaller, somehow. “Maybe I’m scared. Mizi’s always been there, and you’ve always been there too. I liked things the way they were. It was safe.” His voice dropped. “But Ivan... he’s not safe. He makes me feel things I don’t understand, and I don’t like it.”

Hyuna’s lips pressed into a thin line. For a moment, she didn’t say anything, just took a slow sip of her coffee. Then she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, her expression unusually serious.

“Till,” she said, her voice firm. “Your life isn’t going anywhere if you keep running away from the real world. You can’t just cling to Mizi because she makes you feel safe, because she knows how to comfort you. She’s your friend, and she’s moved on. You need to stop using her comfort as a crutch.”

Her words hit him like a slap, and he flinched. “I’m not-”

“Yes, you are,” Hyuna interrupted, cutting through his protest. “And you’re doing the same thing with me. You come here, you vent, you drink my coffee, and then you go back to pretending everything’s fine. But it’s not fine, is it?”

Till opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come. He hated how right she was, how her bluntness always pierced through the walls he tried to put up.

“You’re scared,” Hyuna continued, her tone softening slightly. “Scared of feeling something real. Scared of letting anyone in because you think they’ll leave, just because everyone else did. But, Till, you can’t keep living like this. You can’t keep running to Mizi or to me every time you feel something you don’t want to deal with. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to us. And it’s not fair to Ivan, either.”

The mention of Ivan made him tense. “I’m not running,” he muttered, weakly now, knowing even as he said it that it was a lie.

Hyuna sighed, leaning back. “Yes, you are. And you need to figure out why. Because until you do, you’re going to keep pushing people away. Even the ones who actually care about you.”

Her words hung heavy in the air, and for once, Till didn’t have a retort. He just stared down at his coffee, the weight of everything pressing against his chest.

Hyuna let out another sigh, the sharpness in her gaze softening. “You know,” she said quietly, “Luka came by a few days ago.”

Till looked up, startled by the sudden shift. “Luka?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was flat, almost detached. “He wanted to... reconnect. Said he regrets not being there for me. For Hyun Woo.”

Till frowned, unsure what to say.

“I told him I don’t have time for people who left when it mattered most,” Hyuna said, bitterness lacing her voice. “He doesn’t get to walk back into my life just because he feels lost now.”

Till swallowed hard, her words sinking in. “Hyuna...”

She looked at him then, her expression fierce. “I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to end up like him. Don’t wait until it’s too late to figure out what you want, Till. Don’t keep running from the people who care about you.”

Her voice softened, and she reached out, resting a hand on his knee. “It’s okay to be scared. But it’s not okay to stay scared. Figure out what you want. Because no one else can do it for you.”

-

As Ivan and Till drove through the snowy streets, the car's heater hummed softly, battling the mid January chill. Ivan glanced over at Till, who sat quietly, his gaze fixed on the passing scenery. Something seemed off, like Till's usual expressive personality was replaced by a distant silence. Ivan debated whether to say something, but decided to wait until they were in the privacy of his home.

As they stepped into Ivan’s house, the warmth enveloped them, something that “normally” got a reaction from Till, which was not today. Till shrugged off his coat and dropped it over the couch, his movements slow. Ivan only watched as Till sat down and prepared his guitar, his fingers brushing lightly over the strings instinctively.

“You’re unusually quiet today,” Ivan remarked. He tried to keep his tone light, though his concern seeped through.

Till responded, his focus still on the guitar. “Just thinking. About the song… and other stuff.”

Ivan didn’t push. He knew better than to push Till when he was like this. Instead, he sat down across from him, giving him some space. Till’s fingers moved across the strings, producing a soft, calm melody Ivan didn’t recognize. There was a hesitance in the way the notes lingered, like Till wasn’t entirely sure where the tune was going.

“That’s... different,” Ivan said after a moment, moving closer. “What are you going for?”

Till’s hands stilled, his shoulders tensing slightly. “I’ve been thinking about my mom,” he said quietly, still not meeting Ivan’s gaze. “She used to hum to me. Not a song, really. Just... a melody. Simple, but comforting.”

Ivan shifted, sitting on the edge of his seat, not sure on how to react to Till opening up about his biological mother for the first time. “What kind of melody?” he asked gently.

Till hesitated before playing the sequence again. This time, the notes were more confident, as if revisiting them clarified the memory in his head. “Something like this. She’d hum it when I couldn’t sleep. I don’t remember much about her, but... that stuck.”

Ivan smiled faintly, letting the tune settle in his mind. “It’s beautiful. Feels like it has a lot of heart.”

Till chuckled dryly, shaking his head. “She’d probably appreciate you saying that.”

“Maybe it could work for the song,” Ivan suggested cautiously. “The piano could carry that nostalgic feeling, and I could layer something brighter with the cello. Like memories and the present... overlapping.”

Till shook his head firmly, his gaze still fixed on the guitar. “I don’t want to use it in the song.”

Ivan blinked, trying to understand the point Till seemed to be trying to make. If he was not here to compose the song- which was the only thing he ever cared about when they were alone, then why was he here?

Ivan frowned slightly, surprised by his resistance. “Why not?”

“Because it’s hers,” Till said simply, his voice softer now. He kept strumming absently, his fingers searching for something else.

Till continued strumming absently, his gaze now less distant. “My mom… she was everything to me,” he began, his voice soft. “She wasn’t perfect, but she tried. I think she loved music, or at least the fact that it made me happy. She wasn’t, like, a professional or anything. She’d make up these silly little tunes when I was upset, just to make me laugh. Sometimes they were lullabies. Sometimes, they were just… nonsense. But they worked.”

Ivan’s heart twisted at the vulnerability in Till’s voice. “Sounds like she had a gift.”

Till nodded slowly. “She used to say music wasn’t about being good. It was about feeling something. About making your words... belong to you.” His voice grew quieter. “She was big on feelings. Said I had too many of them for a little kid.”

Ivan’s fingers tapped lightly against the armrest of his chair. “Seems like you haven’t changed much. Or… as if she predicted how you would be now, all grown up.”

“Yeah,” Till murmured. “She did.” He hesitated before continuing, his tone growing heavier. “She used to tell me stories about the stars. How they weren’t just lights in the sky, but living things- dreamers who loved the world so much they chose to watch over it forever. She’d say that stars listened, that they were the bridge between us and something greater.”

He paused, his fingers brushing lightly over the guitar strings, as if searching for the melody of her voice. “She told me she prayed to God, to the stars, to bring me into this world. That I wasn’t just her child, but her creation- something blessed, and beautiful. She’d hum this little tune while she said it, and then she’d smile at me like I was her whole world.”

Ivan swallowed hard, his chest tightening at the bittersweet warmth in Till’s voice. “That’s... beautiful,” he said sincerely. “She sounds like someone who found the goodness in everything.”

Till laughed in a low, coarse voice, like he was holding back tears. “Yeah, she was. But life wasn’t exactly good for us. She got sick, really sick. I didn’t understand it then, but now I think she was trying to hide how bad it was. She always smiled, even when she looked like she could barely stand.”

Ivan stayed silent, his gaze fixed on Till, who kept his eyes on the guitar strings as if they held answers to questions he didn’t want to ask.

“And then… she was gone,” Till continued, his voice faltering. “Not gone like- died, but… gone. One day, she told me to wait at home, said she’d be back soon. I didn’t know it then, but now I think she was trying to get help for herself, for us. But she never came back.”

Till paused, his hands stilling on the guitar. Ivan stood still, unsure whether to speak or let him keep going. Before he could decide, Till continued.

“Her boyfriend- my stepdad, I guess, wasn’t exactly Father of the Year. When my mom didn’t come back, he just… got rid of me. Sold me, like I was something he didn’t want cluttering up his life.”

Ivan felt a sharp sting of anger rising up in his chest, his fist clenching involuntarily. “Sold you?” he repeated, as if he could not wrap his mind around it.

Till nodded, his expression unreadable. “To traffickers. I was just a kid, maybe four at most. I didn’t understand what was happening. One minute, I was at home, waiting for my mom. The next, I was in a van with strangers, being told to shut up and not ask questions, then shoved in a fucking box like a package.”

Ivan’s throat tightened, his mind reeling. He couldn’t imagine what Till must’ve gone through, the fear, the confusion, the helplessness. “How… how did you get out?”

Till shrugged, his gaze distant. “It’s a long story. Some people got involved, social workers, police. I ended up in the orphanage. But by then, it didn’t matter. My mom was gone. My old life was gone. And I just… stopped thinking about it.”

Ivan’s chest ached at the resignation in Till’s voice. He wanted to say something, anything, to make it better, but he knew there were no words that could erase that kind of pain.

“I don’t even know what happened to her,” Till admitted, his voice barely audible. “For all I know, she’s still out there somewhere, or maybe she’s not. I’ve thought about looking for her, but… what’s the point? If she’s alive, she’s better off without me. And if she’s not… well, I’m better off not knowing.”

Ivan’s gaze was stuck on Till when exhaled shakily, running a hand through his hair, almost like trying to brush away the weight of the words he’d just spoken. “That’s why I hate being seen,” he muttered, his voice now tinted with frustration. “I hate when people try to look too close, like they’re trying to dig up something buried. I don’t want them to see... all that.”

Ivan stayed silent, his mind racing with everything Till had just said. He wanted to offer some kind of comfort, but nothing he could think felt enough. Instead, he let Till keep going, knowing this was one of the rare moments Till let himself be this open.

“Mizi made it easy,” Till continued, his voice getting quieter with each word. “She’s always been so… warm, you know? She didn’t push, didn’t dig. She just… made me feel like I could exist without having to explain anything. Like it was okay to just… feel things on the surface level and not go deeper.”

He paused, his hands tightening around the neck of the guitar. “But now she’s got Sua, and it’s different. I mean, I’m happy for her. I really am. But it’s like… I don’t know, like the one place I didn’t have to think about this stuff is gone. And I don’t blame her. She deserves to be happy, and Sua’s great. It’s just… I guess I’m struggling to figure out what to do now.”

Ivan leaned forward slightly, getting slightly closer to Till, his elbows now resting on his knees while he listened. “You don’t have to figure it all out at once, you know,” he said softly. “Seems like you have a lot of… things going on. It’s okay to feel lost.”

Till let out a rather genuine laugh, finding the similarity between Ivan’s words and Hyuna’s. “Yeah, well, lost is the only thing I’ve ever been good at I guess. And now, I’ve got you looking at me like that, and it’s…” He trailed off, his jaw tightening.

“Like what?” Ivan prompted, his voice careful.

“Like you actually see me,” Till admitted, his voice barely audible. The words came out before he could stop them, surprising even himself. “And I hate it. I hate how you look at me like you’re trying to understand everything about me. Like you’re trying to fix me or something.”

Ivan frowned, his chest tightening at Till’s words. “I’m not trying to fix you, Till,” he said gently. “I just… care. That’s all.”

Till scoffed, though his gaze softened slightly. “That’s the problem,” he muttered. “You care too much, and it makes me feel… things I don’t want to feel.”

Ivan’s heart skipped a beat, but he forced himself to keep his expression neutral. “Like what?”

Till hesitated, his fingers gripping the guitar as if his life depended on it. “I don’t know. Like I don’t deserve it, I guess. Like I don’t know what to do with it. And then there’s this whole other part of me that’s just...”

“Just what?” Ivan asked, his voice barely above a whisper, coming out like a breath.

Till shook his head, his cheeks flushing slightly. “Just confused. About you. About me. About… everything.”

The room fell into silence. Ivan was afraid to open his mouth, to voice his feelings about Till, to ruin everything between them. He wanted to reach out, to tell Till it was okay to feel all of that, but he didn’t want to push. He leaned back slightly again, giving Till the space he was so eager to invade.

“I’m not going anywhere, Till. You have time to learn about… these feelings of yours, I guess.” Ivan finally said, breaking the silence.

Till, finally, looked at him then, his expression now a little frustrated, his gaze angry with his brows close together. “That’s what scares me,” he said. “That you won’t go away.”

Ivan’s breath got caught, his chest tightening at Till’s words. He wanted to say something, to lock eyes, but Till was already looking away, his fingers plucking the strings of the guitar again in a desperate attempt to fill the silence.

“I don’t even know what I’m doing,” Till admitted after a moment, before Ivan got a chance to speak. He didn’t look up, but he seemed to be aware of Ivan’s state of stillness. “You’re just going to sit there and stare, huh?” His voice was rough, yet his usual anger almost seemed to be fading away.

“I’m trying to figure you out,” Ivan replied softly, the corners of his mouth lifting in a faint, self deprecating smile. “But I guess that’s the problem, isn’t it?”

Till’s brow furrowed ever more. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Ivan hesitated, running a hand through his hair as he searched for the right words. “You’re complicated, Till. Someone I want to understand, but every time I think I’ve got something about you in place, you take it back. And I’m scared if I push too hard, you’ll… you’ll shut me out completely.”

Till’s lips parted, but no words came out. He raised his head and looked at Ivan like he wanted to punch him, like there was a storm of emotions brewing just beneath the surface, but all he did was exhale and glance away.

“That’s why I don’t push,” Ivan added. “Because I don’t want to lose you.”

Till felt the itchiness in his throat, so he swallowed. Swallowed hard. “You make it sound like I’m something to lose.”

“You are,” Ivan said without hesitation, his voice steadier now. “To me, you are.”

Till’s hands clenched around the guitar, his knuckles looking sharp due to his bone structure. “You don’t even know me that well.” he muttered, though his voice lacked the bite it usually carried.

“I know enough,” Ivan countered, leaning forward slightly, attempting to invade the space he was giving to Till. “I know you care about people more than you let on. I know you’re stubborn, and that you act tough, but you’ve got this… softness to you, even if you hate showing it. I now know your music comes from a place no one else can touch, and that when you let yourself be honest, it’s-” He stopped himself, realizing he was starting to ramble. “I just… I see you, Till. Even when you don’t want me to. Yet still, I cannot predict you. I guess that’s why I…” he suddenly stopped, letting his words end there.

Till let out a shaky, angry laugh, the sound caught somewhere between disbelief and discomfort. “That’s what I’m talking about. You look at me, talk about me, with me like- like I’m worth something. It’s… It’s too much.”

“Why?” Ivan asked, his voice soft but insistent. “Why is it too much?”

“Because it makes me feel things I don’t know what to do with!” Till snapped, his voice rising before he caught himself. He turned his head away, his grip on the guitar tightening. “I’m not… I’m not good at this. At… feeling things. At letting people-”

“Till,” Ivan interrupted, his voice calm but firm. “You don’t have to explain. Not to me.”

Till’s head snapped back toward him, his eyes wide, startled. “But that’s just it, Ivan. You make me want to. And it annoys the hell out of me.”

Ivan’s heart clenched, he wasn’t sure if that meant Till… loved him, or hated him- it made his chest ache. He wanted to tell Till that he wasn’t alone in this, that he was just as scared of what they might become, but the words stuck in his throat. 

He couldn’t speak, the words didn’t find their way out of his heart. So, he reached out, his hand hovering just above Till’s thigh, an uncertain touch. Finally able to make Till accept him into his personal space.

Till (obviously) noticed the movement, his gaze flicking down to Ivan’s hand. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t move closer either. The space between them felt charged, like an electrical current, and the slightest touch could set something irreversible into motion.

The air felt like it became thick, making it hard to breathe. Ivan’s hand hovered over Till’s thigh, the hesitation in his movement betraying the steady appearance he tried to maintain. Till’s eyes flicked back up to Ivan’s face, his expression unreadable, though there was no mistaking the tension in his body.

“Ivan,” Till said, his voice low and rough. His voice made it sound like a threat, though it had an undertone that coated it like he wasn’t complaining.

“I’m not gonna do anything, dumbass.” Ivan replied quietly, though his hand remained where it was, close enough to feel the heat radiating from Till. “Not unless you want me to.”

Till scoffed, the sound harsh, his head slowly rising up to glare at Ivan. “This is the thing with you, isn’t it?” he said, his voice rising, rough around the end. “You just… hover. You sit here, acting all calm, and wait for me to do something, to say something.” He exhaled angrily. “Like- You don’t just say shit like that and expect me to… to what?” he finished off, questioning both himself and Ivan by the end.

Ivan blinked, taken aback by the outburst, but he didn’t move his hand. “What are you talking about?”

Till’s jaw clenched, his frustration building up once again. “About how you make everything so… fucking complicated.”

Ivan’s breath caught, his heart pounding in his chest. He wanted to reach out, to close the gap between their hearts. But he held back, knowing Till wasn’t ready for it. “What’s complicated about it?” Ivan asked softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “What’s so hard about letting yourself feel something?”

“Everything,” Till spat, his hands gripping the guitar so tightly it was a wonder how the strings didn’t snap. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, okay? I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel or how I’m supposed to act. And you… you look at me like- like I’m something worth figuring out, and I fucking hate it.”

Ivan’s chest tightened at Till’s words, the rawness in his voice cutting through him. “Why do you hate it?” he asked, his tone steady despite the emotions swirling inside him. “Why is it so bad that someone sees you?”

“Because it’s not real!” Till shouted, his voice echoing in the quiet room. He looked into Ivan’s eyes, the eyes that were blazing with a mix of anger and desperation. “You don’t know me that well, Ivan. Not really. You see what you want to see, but you don’t know who I am. And if you did-”

“Then what?” Ivan interrupted, his voice firmer now. “What happens if I actually know you, Till? What happens if I see all of you?”

Till froze, his chest rising and falling down through his irregular breath pattern as he tried to form a response. He looked at Ivan, in disbelief, in fear-

The emotions Ivan wasn't quite familiar with.

“Don’t,” Till said finally, his voice quieter now but no less intense. “Don’t make it sound that simple.”

“Maybe it is that simple,” Ivan countered. “Maybe it’s just you making it harder than it needs to be.”

Till let out a sharp, bitter chuckle. “You don’t fucking get it,” he said, his tone dripping with frustration. “You don’t get how hard this is for me. How fucking terrifying it is to-” He stopped himself, his jaw tightening as he bit his bottom lip to make himself shut up. His fingers moved over the strings once again, plucking aimlessly, his tension bleeding into the sound.

“To what?” Ivan asked quietly, his voice steady. “To let someone in? To let yourself want something?”

“To let myself want something and lose it,” Till muttered, his voice barely audible. His eyes flicked up to Ivan’s, a little wet, a little vulnerable. “To let someone in, let them matter fucking something to me-” He took a deep breath, “and then watch them walk away. Like everyone else.”

Ivan’s breath hitched, the words hitting him harder than he expected. “Till…” he started, his voice soft, careful, but Till cut him off.

“No, you don’t get to say something reassuring,” Till snapped, his tone harsher now, though his voice cracked. “You don’t get to act like this is easy or like you’re some kind of exception. You’re just-” He broke off, shaking his head, frustration radiating off him. “You’re just as much of a risk as everything else.”

Ivan’s chest tightened, but he didn’t pull back, instead giving his thigh a light, reassuring squeeze. “I know I’m a risk,” he admitted, his voice low but steady. “I know I could hurt you, that I could screw this up. But I’m still here, Till. I’m not going anywhere.”

Till scoffed, though there was no real bite to it. “Yeah? And what happens when you decide I’m too much? When you figure out I’m not worth it?”

“That’s not going to happen,” Ivan said firmly, his voice carrying an intensity.. “I’m not going to run, Till. No matter how much you push or how messy it gets.”

Till’s eyebrows got closer, his eyes narrowing. “You say that now. Everyone says that in the beginning. My own mother probably said that too- all those foster parents, everyone. And then something changes, and I’m the one left alone. As if my feelings don’t fucking matter. As if I am not valuable!”

Till’s words echoed in Ivan’s ears, raw and biting, filled with the kind of frustration that came from wounds too deep to close. Yet, as much as the sharpness of Till’s tone stung, it also stirred something else- an old, dream-like memory, hazy but warm, flickering like a shadow at the edge of his mind.

“I don’t… I don’t care about all that, about what you’re worth, I mean.” Ivan said softly, his voice unsteady but firm. He shifted slightly, his hand resting near Till’s inner thigh now, close but not invasive. “I mean, maybe I do, but not in the way you think.”

Till snorted, his fingers dragging over the strings of his guitar in an uneven, aggressive rhythm. “You’re so fucking full of shit.”

“I’m not,” Ivan said, sharper now. His own frustration started rising beneath the surface, like a quiet storm. “You think you’ve got me all figured out. Even when you say you don’t understand me- you speak like you do. But you don’t. You don’t know why I’m here, why I-” He stopped himself, the words catching in his throat. A fragment of a moment, half-remembered and blurry, flared to life in his mind. A quiet garden. A boy crouched by a flower. Words whispered in a soft chant: Cheer up, cheer up…

Till’s hand froze on the strings, his jaw tightening. “Why you what?”

Ivan exhaled slowly, trying to steady himself. “Why I switched schools,” he admitted. His eyes locked on Till’s, searching for something- recognition, maybe. “It wasn’t about grades, or what I wanted to be, or anything my parents wanted. It was about… you.”

Till blinked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. “Me? What the hell are you talking about?”

Ivan hesitated, the memory growing clearer now, like a photograph coming into focus. “Years ago,” he began, his voice quieter, almost hesitant, “at one of my mom’s charity events. There was this garden terrace outside, and I saw this boy. He was… different. He wasn’t like anyone else there. He wasn’t polished or fake, like the rest of them. He was-”

“Stop,” Till interrupted, his voice sharp and defensive. “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but-”

“You were talking to a flower,” Ivan continued, undeterred. His voice grew steadier, more certain. “A little passion flower, dirty and broken. You touched it like it mattered, like it wasn’t just some useless, dying thing. And you whispered to it. You said, “ Cheer up.” Over and over.”

Till’s breath hitched, his entire body still. His fingers hovered above the guitar strings, trembling slightly.

“I didn’t understand it then,” Ivan went on, his eyes never leaving Till’s. “But it stayed with me. The way you looked at that flower, the way you spoke to it, like you were trying to will it back to life. I thought… I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.”

Till’s lips parted, but no words came out. He looked at Ivan like he didn’t know whether to lash out or run away. “You’re lying,” he muttered finally, his voice low and uneven. “You’re just making this up.”

“I’m not,” Ivan said firmly. “I didn’t even realize it was you until I caught a glimpse of you during that music festival, your first year, that first term of high school. I didn’t catch your performance, but I saw you leave with Mizi.” He chuckled, reminiscing the moment. “I didn’t know how or why, but I knew it was you. And after that… I couldn’t stop thinking about you. So I transferred. I needed to know who you were.”

Till’s hands clenched into fists. “That’s insane,” he said, his voice trembling with anger- or maybe something else. “You didn’t know fucking shit about me. You saw me once, and you-”

“And I couldn’t forget you,” Ivan interrupted, his voice rising slightly. “Do you know what it’s like to feel that way about someone? To carry this stupid, fleeting memory of them and not even know why it matters? You think you’re the only one who’s scared, Till? You think you’re the only one who doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing?”

Till’s jaw tightened, his breath coming faster now. “I don’t want to be your stupid fantasy,” he snapped. “I’m not some perfect, soft-spoken kid who whispers to flowers and makes people’s lives better. I’m a mess, Ivan. I’m angry, and mad, and I’ll ruin you.”

Ivan leaned closer, his voice dropping to a low, steady tone. His hand squeezed Till’s thigh hard, their faces close now. “They mean the same thing, you moron.” Something tingled in Till’s brain, something he thought he made up. He opened his mouth to argue, to dismiss the whole thing as some ridiculous fantasy, but the words caught in his throat. How could he say anything without admitting that some part of him, deep down, thought this story might actually be true? 

“You have already ruined me,” Ivan continued quietly, his breath warm and steady. Till felt like his lips might touch Ivan’s snaggletooth if he moved just a little bit. “And I don’t care.”

Till’s eyes darted away, his chest heavy as he struggled to process everything Ivan had said. His fingers twitched on the guitar, a nervous habit he couldn’t quite shake.

“Cheer up,” Ivan said suddenly, the words soft but pointed. He then moved away from his face, leaning back slightly, giving Till space but keeping his gaze steady. “That’s what you said to the flower, isn’t it? And maybe… maybe you need to say it to yourself, too.”

Till’s head snapped back toward Ivan, his eyes filled with fury… and something deeper, something more vulnerable. “Don’t,” he warned, his voice low and dangerous. “Don’t act like you understand me.”

“I don’t,” Ivan admitted, his tone calm but unwavering. “But I want to. That’s the difference.”

Till stared at him, his expression unreadable, his chest still rising and falling in uneven breaths. For a long moment, neither of them spoke. Then, slowly, Till set the guitar aside, his hands trembling as he rubbed his palms against his jeans.

“You’re insane,” Till muttered, his voice softer now, almost shaky. “Completely fucking insane.”

“Maybe,” Ivan said, a faint, self-deprecating smile tugging at his lips. “But so are you. And maybe that’s why this works.”

Till’s lips twitched, like he wanted to argue, but he didn’t. Instead, he exhaled sharply, leaning back against the couch and closing his eyes. “Cheer up,” he murmured under his breath, almost to himself.

And for the first time, Ivan let himself believe that maybe, just maybe, Till was starting to let him in.

Chapter 27: hold

Summary:

Mizi exchanged a glance with Sua before standing up. “We should go too. He’s been like this for too long, and we can’t just leave him to sulk forever.”

Sua hesitated, but the determined look in Mizi’s eyes made her nod. “Okay. But let’s try not to overwhelm him.”

Hyuna grinned faintly, gesturing for them to follow. “Yeah, good luck with that. He’s already drowning in estrogen in this place.”

The phone pressed against Hyuna’s ear felt heavier than it should have. Shine’s voice crackled on the other end, a mix of concern and quiet frustration.  

“Hyuna, I don’t know what to do with him anymore,” Shine said, her voice edged with worry. “He barely speaks to anyone at the orphanage- not even Mizi, he skips meals, comes after curfew or doesn’t come at all… You know Till, he’s never been like this before. Is he with you?”  

Hyuna glanced over her shoulder. Till sat slouched at the bar, his gaze glued to his phone screen as his fingers tapped a rhythmic pattern against the screen. He looked almost bored, but Hyuna could see the tension in his posture.  

She hesitated. What could she say? That he was playing games at a club bar when he was supposed to be at the orphanage, studying or at least pretending to have it together? She rubbed her temple, inhaling through her nose. “He’s… busy,” Hyuna said carefully, her voice steady but unconvincing.  

“Busy?” Shine sounded skeptical. “Too busy to check in? He used to come to me when something was wrong, but now-”  

“I’m sorry,” Hyuna cut in, guilt pressing against her chest. “I’ll talk to him, okay? Don’t worry about it. I’ll make sure he’s fine. He might ask to spend the weekend at my place and… I guess he needs it right now.”  

There was a long pause on the line before Shine sighed. “All right. But, Hyuna... please remind him he doesn’t have to carry everything alone. We’re here for him, even if he doesn’t see it. There are all these therapists and foster parents, if he needs some sense of normality in his life.”

Hyuna talked for a bit longer, followed by a quiet goodbye and hung up, slipping the phone into her pocket. She leaned against the counter for a moment, staring down Till. His shoulders were hunched as he focused on the tiny screen, oblivious to the world around him.  

She grabbed a glass, filled it with soda, and slid it across the counter. “Here,” she said. “Drink this before I get in trouble for letting you sit here like a statue.”  

Till looked up briefly, his expression unreadable, before turning back to his phone. “Thanks,” he muttered, though he didn’t touch the glass.  

Hyuna folded her arms and leaned closer, her voice low. “You know, Shine called just now.”  

That got a reaction. Till’s fingers paused mid-tap, and his head tilted slightly toward her. “What did she say?”  

“She’s worried about you,” Hyuna said bluntly. “Asked if you’ve been eating, talking, existing like a normal person.”  

Till sighed, locking his phone and sliding it into his pocket. He swirled the soda with one hand, still not drinking it. “I’m fine. You can tell her that.”  

“Yeah, that’ll really convince her,” Hyuna said, sarcasm dripping from her words. She studied him, her sharp gaze softening for just a moment. “You should check in with her. She cares about you, you know.”  

Till shrugged, but his shoulders sank further, weighed down by something invisible. “I’ll call her later.”  

Hyuna sighed, shaking her head. “You’re so predictable sometimes, Till. Always waiting until later to deal with anything real.”  

He didn’t respond, his fingers drumming lightly on the bar.  

"That’s not what Ivan said,” Till murmured, his eyes fixed on the bubbles lazily rising to the top of his soda glass. “He said he’s spent his whole life studying people- learning how to react, how to act normal so people would love him. How to predict them. But then he said... he can’t predict me.”

Hyuna’s eyebrows shot up. “Ivan?” she asked, her tone shifting into something sharper. “Oh, so that’s what this is about. What’s up with you and Mizi lately, anyway? First you’re having an existential crisis, then Mizi suddenly realizes she’s into girls and keeps asking me all these awkward questions about lesbian sex- and let’s not forget, you two fought.” She rolled her eyes dramatically. “And now I’m guessing she rejected you, too. Of course, here we are with another sexuality crisis now. Typical.”

“Don’t tell Mizi,” Till cut in sharply, his tone firm despite the softness he had towards Hyuna.

Hyuna tilted her head, studying him for a long moment. “Relax,” she said, her voice losing some of its bite. “Your secret’s safe with me, dumbass.”

She giggled as she turned back and grabbed herself a whiskey with some eyes, letting his music of the club lingerie for a moment longer before she turned back to Till. “I guess I can talk to you, it isn’t busy tonight.” She took a sip of her whiskey, face wrinkling up as the strong taste of it went down her throat. “You know,” she started again, her voice taking on a teasing lilt, “for someone who’s supposedly unpredictable, you’ve been sulking in the exact same spot for hours now. You’re about as mysterious as the drawing you called “Whimsical Mizi” as a child, Till.”

Till rolled his eyes, blushing slightly by the mention of that memory as his fingers tightened slightly around the untouched glass of soda. “I’m not sulking,” he muttered.

“Right,” Hyuna chuckled, giving him a skeptical look. “Because sitting there staring at your phone with that kicked puppy expression is totally normal behavior.”

He didn’t respond, his gaze sliding down to the soda again. Hyuna’s teasing smile softened, her expression turning more serious. “Look, Till… whatever’s going on with you and Ivan, or Mizi, or even Shine- it will be fine. But if you keep trying to bottle everything up, you’re going to explode. And trust me, no one wants to deal with that mess.”

“I’m not bottling anything up,” Till said quietly. “If anything, I let it explode in front of Ivan after our last talk. And it’s embarrassing. And annoying. And frustrating. I want to punch him in the guts but I can’t risk getting expelled…”

“Exploding in front of Ivan, huh?” she prompted, her tone turning playful. “So, what happened? Did you finally snap and tell him you’ve got the hots for him or something?”

Till groaned, his ears turning red. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Uh-huh,” Hyuna smirked, leaning forward on the counter. “So what was it like? Enlighten me, drama king.”

Till rubbed his hand over his face, clearly regretting bringing it up. “I don’t know. He just- he said all this stuff about how he transferred schools because of me. Because he remembered me from some random moment years ago. And he brought up this thing- like, this flower I was talking to when I was a kid. I don’t even remember doing that!”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow, intrigued despite herself. “Talking to a flower? You? That’s adorable. Please tell me there’s a photo of this somewhere.”

“Shut up,” Till muttered, though the tips of his ears darkened even more. “The point is, he acted like it was this big, meaningful moment. Like it was some kind of sign or whatever. And then he said he can’t predict me, and that’s why he… wanted to stay by my side. Why he cares.”

Hyuna whistled low, her teasing smirk fading. “Wow. That’s heavy. And you? What did you say to all that?”

Till exhaled sharply, slumping forward to rest his arms on the counter. “I told him I hated it. That I hated how he looked at me like I’m worth something. Like I matter.”

Hyuna’s expression softened, a rare moment of genuine concern slipping through. “And do you hate it?” she asked gently. “Or do you hate that you might actually believe him?”

Till flinched, spilling a bit of the sofa on the counter. “I don’t know,” he admitted quietly. “I thought I hated him- but I don’t know about it anymore. About him, or me, or anything.”

Hyuna tilted her head, studying him for a long moment. “For someone who’s declared unpredictable by your boy crush, you’re really predictable sometimes, Till,” she said finally. “You’re scared. Scared of him getting too close, scared of letting him matter, and scared of what happens if he decides to leave.” she continued, as if reading it from a book, as if it was a matter of fact and Till was dumb for not realizing it.

Til bit down on his bottom lip, but he didn’t argue. His gaze dropped to the spilled soda in front of him, wiping it with the sleeves of his shirt.

“I just…” he started, his voice rough, “I don’t know if I can deal with it. With him.”

Hyuna reached out, giving his arm a light shove. “Maybe, you can start by stopping acting like you have to push him away before he decides to leave. You’re not exactly subtle, you know.”

Before Till could respond, someone approached from behind him. A familiar voice, sharp yet hinted with genuine concern, cut through the hum of the club’s music.

“Hyuna,” Isaac’s voice carried a hint of ire. “What’s the kid doing here? I thought we had an understanding about keeping underaged people out of my bar.”

Hyuna straightened, turning to face Isaac with a calmness that only she could manage in moments like this. “Relax, Isaac,” she said, waving a hand dismissively. “He’s just drinking soda and hiding from his feelings. Nothing illegal about that.”

Isaac stepped closer, his eyes narrowing as he looked down at Till. “Soda or not, Hyuna, you know how this looks. If someone walks in here and sees a kid sitting at my bar, I’m the one who’s going to have to deal with it.”

“Good to see you too, Isaac,” Till said dryly, not even bothering to look up from his soda. “Thanks for the warm welcome.”

Isaac sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, over the scar that was across his face. “Don’t get smart with me, Till. I’ve already had enough headaches today without you adding to them.” He paused, his sharp gaze softening slightly as he studied the boy more closely. “What’s going on with you anyway? You don’t usually come around unless something’s up.”

Hyuna leaned her hip against the counter, folding her arms. “See? Even Isaac can tell you’re sulking.”

“I’m not sulking,” Till muttered for what felt like the hundredth time that night. He finally looked up, meeting Isaac’s gaze. “I’m just… here. Okay?”

Isaac raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. “Just here,” he repeated. “That’s not exactly a way of explaining your mental state, kid. And I know you well enough to know you don’t hang around places like this for no reason. What’s going on?”

Till hesitated, his fingers tightening around the soda glass. For a moment, he thought about saying something. Maybe it would help to spill it all- to tell someone how Ivan’s words had shaken him to the core, made him question everything about himself. But just as he opened his mouth, Hyuna’s voice cut in.

“Hey, Isaac,” Hyuna said, tilting her head with a grin. “How’d you figure out you were gay?”

Till blinked, his train of thought crashing to a mountain. “What?” he said, his voice pitching slightly.

Isaac shot Hyuna a look, his eyebrow arching. “Really, Hyuna? This is the conversation you want to have right now?”

Hyuna shrugged, a mischievous sparkle in her eye. “Well, you’re already here, and you know how these things go. Might as well educate the kid. He could use some wisdom from someone with experience.”

Isaac groaned, rubbing the back of his neck. “Fine, but don’t expect anything enlightening.” He leaned against the counter, his expression softening slightly. “It wasn’t exactly a lightbulb moment or anything. Just… a lot of small things adding up. Like realizing I was more interested in the guy in the cologne ads than the women. Or how I’d get nervous around certain friends, but not in the same way other guys seemed to around girls.”

Hyuna smirked, leaning forward to rest her chin on her hand. “And? Did you freak out? Did you have a dramatic, existential crisis?”

Isaac gave her a flat look. “I didn’t freak out . It was more like... quietly accepting it over time. Eventually, I stopped pretending to like what everyone else did and just let myself be me. Took a while, though. And a lot of bad dates.”

Hyuna grinned, pointing a finger dramatically at Till. “See, Till? It’s not that hard.”

Till stiffened, his face turning red. “Wait- what? I’m not-”

“Relax, kid,” Isaac said, chuckling lightly. “Hyuna’s just messing with you.”

“I’m not gay!” Till blurted, his voice louder than he intended. A couple of heads at nearby tables turned in his direction, and he sank lower in his seat, mortified. “Seriously. I’m not.”

Hyuna leaned closer, her grin widening. “Oh? Then what’s with all the drama about Ivan? And don’t tell me it’s nothing, because I’ve seen the way you talk about him. All flustered and red-faced, just like now.”

“I’m not-” Till started, but his voice cracked, and he groaned, burying his face in his hands. “You’re impossible.”

Isaac raised an eyebrow, his gaze flicking between them with mild amusement. “Sounds like someone’s got a lot to figure out,” he said, his tone surprisingly kind.

“I don’t have anything to figure out!” Till shot back, his voice muffled behind his hands. “It’s just… complicated, okay?”

Hyuna rolled her eyes, patting his arm in mock sympathy. “Oh, sweetie, it’s always complicated. Welcome to life.”

Till groaned again, wishing the ground would swallow him whole.

-

Mizi sat cross-legged on the worn-out sofa in the orphanage’s common room, her face lighting up as Sua leaned against the armrest beside her. They had the place mostly to themselves- Shine had just returned from running errands and was in her office, while most of the kids were either interviewing potential parents.

Sua, ever the composed one, was laughing at Mizi’s dramatic reenactment of something she’d witnessed at school. Her fingers played with a strand of Mizi’s hair, occasionally tucking it behind her ear as Mizi’s animated expressions filled the room with life.

“You’re too much,” Sua teased, her smile softening as she looked at Mizi. “Do you always overthink everything this much, or is it just with me?”

Mizi playfully shoved Sua’s arm, her cheeks warming. “Oh, shut up. I’m telling a story here!”

Out of nowhere, Shine poked her head into the common. Her sharp gaze landed on Sua with curiosity, though her tone was warm. “You must be Sua. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Sua straightened, a hint of nervousness flickering across her usually composed demeanor. “All good things, I hope.”

Shine chuckled, stepping closer. “Mostly. Mizi talks about you like you’ve cured every bad day she’s ever had.”

“Shine!” Mizi groaned, burying her face in her hands as Sua laughed softly.

“Well, it’s true,” Shine added with a shrug. She extended a hand to Sua. “I’m Shine. I keep this place running and keep Mizi in line when she starts daydreaming too much.”

Sua shook her hand, her smile polite but genuine. “It’s nice to meet you. Mizi’s told me a lot about you too.”

“Oh, I bet,” Shine said, her tone wry but affectionate. “Good to see she’s got someone looking out for her.”

Before the moment could get too mushy, the front door swung open with a creak, and the sound of familiar voices echoed through the hallway.

“I told you I’m not staying,” Till grumbled as he walked inside, Hyuna following close behind him with an apologetic look.

“Till,” Hyuna sighed, her voice carrying the weariness of someone who had tried- and failed- to talk sense into him. “Come on, it’s just one night. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal,” Till snapped, “is that I don’t need to be babysat.”

Shine folded her arms, her sharp eyes narrowing as she took in the pair. “What’s this about?”

Hyuna hit the back of Till’s head, not hard, but scolding. “I tried to convince him to spend the night here. He’s been all over the place lately, and Shine, you know he needs-”

“I’m fine,” Till cut in, his tone sharp as he avoided looking at anyone directly. “Hyuna’s just being dramatic.”

Mizi and Sua exchanged a glance from the sofa, the tension in the room almost visible. Mizi finally broke the silence, her voice gentle. “Till, it’s okay to stay here. You can hang out with us.”

Till’s jaw tightened, his eyes flicking to the pair of them- Sua’s hand still casually playing with a strand of Mizi’s hair, their easy closeness an unspoken reminder of something he couldn’t quite put into words. “I’m good.” he muttered, his tone biting as he stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“Till,” Hyuna warned, her voice low.

“What?” Till snapped, the irritation hard to hide as he gestured vaguely toward Mizi and Sua. “I’m just saying it’s easy for some people to sit here and act like everything’s fine when-” He stopped himself, his face flushing as his words hung in the air.

Mizi frowned, sitting up straighter. “When what, Till?”

Sua’s expression shifted, her calm exterior hardening just slightly as she leaned forward. “Is there a problem with us, Till?” she asked, her tone cool but pointed.

Till shook his head, his cheeks reddening further. “No. I don’t care. Do whatever you want.” He turned on his heel, muttering under his breath as he went upstairs. “This place is too loud anyway.”

As he stomped off toward the hallway, Shine called after him. “Till, don’t slam the door-”

A loud bang cut her off.

Hyuna sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Sorry, Shine. I tried.”

Shine shook her head, a faint smile tugging at her lips despite the tension. “You did what you could. He’s just… Till.”

Mizi leaned against Sua, letting out a soft sigh. “He’s been like this for weeks. Like a girl on her period but it stays longer.”

Sua giggled as her hand rested gently on Mizi’s shoulder. “He’ll figure it out eventually,” she said softly, her voice carrying a quiet confidence that made Mizi’s chest feel a little lighter. “Sometimes people just need time to catch up with themselves.”

Mizi tilted her head to look up at Sua, her gaze lingering on her calm, steady expression. “How do you always know the right thing to say?”

Sua smiled, brushing a strand of hair away from Mizi’s face, rubbing their noses together. “Maybe I just know you.”

Hyuna, noticing the shift in atmosphere, snorted. “Okay, lovebirds, save it for later. Let’s figure out how to keep Till from imploding.”

Shine chuckled, the tension in the room easing as she headed back to the kitchen. “I’ll start by making tea. That always helps.”

Hyuna sighed, watching Till disappear upstairs. “He’s gonna break something one of these days. Shine, mind if I go after him?”

Shine waved a hand, her tone resigned but understanding. “Go ahead. Just don’t let him set anything on fire.”

Mizi exchanged a glance with Sua before standing up. “We should go too. He’s been like this for too long, and we can’t just leave him to sulk forever.”

Sua hesitated, but the determined look in Mizi’s eyes made her nod. “Okay. But let’s try not to overwhelm him.”

Hyuna grinned faintly, gesturing for them to follow. “Yeah, good luck with that. He’s already drowning in estrogen in this place.”

The trio climbed the stairs, their footsteps soft on the creaky wood. They reached Till’s room and found the door ajar- someone must’ve opened it after he shut it close. Peeking inside, they saw him lying on his bed, one arm draped over his face as he let out a long sigh.

Two younger boys sat at the opposite bunk, playing cards, ignoring Till’s presence. Hyuna leaned against the doorframe and cleared her throat. “Boys, out. Give us the room.”

The boys exchanged a confused look before tip-toeing out, one of them muttering something about "grown-ups being so annoying." Hyuna shut the door behind them and turned to Till, her arms crossed.

“Till,” she started, her tone lighter now. “You’re not getting out of this one. What’s going on?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Till grumbled, his voice muffled by his arm.

Mizi stepped closer, her voice soft. “We’re just trying to help. You don’t have to deal with whatever it is on your own.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that’s worked out great so far,” Till muttered, finally lowering his arm to glare at them. His gaze flickered between Mizi and Sua, and he groaned, throwing his head back against the pillow. “Why are all of you so… annoying?”

Sua raised an eyebrow, her calm demeanor unshaken. “Annoying how?”

Till gestured vaguely in their direction, his words tumbling out before he could stop them. “Just… all this feminine energy or whatever! It’s like- it’s messing with my head.”

Hyuna’s eyes widened slightly, a flicker of fear -of Till exposing himself when he was not ready- crossing her face, but she quickly masked it with a neutral expression. “Feminine energy?” she asked, her tone carefully casual. “Care to elaborate?”

Till groaned again, covering his face with both hands. “No. Forget I said anything.”

Mizi frowned, glancing at Sua. “Till, you’re not making any sense. Is this about us? Did we do something?”

“No!” Till said quickly, sitting up and waving his hands defensively. “It’s not you. It’s just… it’s everything! You, and Ivan, and- and I don’t even know! Everyone’s all in their feelings and happy and- ugh.” He slumped back against the bed, letting out a frustrated noise.

Sua tilted her head, her brow furrowing slightly. “You think our feelings are the problem?”

Till peeked out from behind his hands, his face flushed. “No! Yes. I don’t know. You’re all so sure of yourselves, and I’m just…” He trailed off, his voice dropping to a mutter. “I don’t wanna feel anything anymore.”

Hyuna, watching the scene unfold, bit her lip to keep from laughing. She could practically see the pieces clicking into place, even if Till refused to acknowledge them yet. “You’re all fucked up, all right,” she said, her tone teasing but not unkind. “But that’s not because of them, genius.”

Till shot her a glare. “Oh, so now you’re a therapist?”

Hyuna shrugged, leaning against the wall. “Nah, just an observer. And what I’m observing is you being grumpy because you don’t know what to do with all these “feelings” you keep running from.”

Mizi crossed her arms, her concern outweighing her confusion. “Till, if this is about us- me and Sua- you can just say so. We don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s not about you!” Till blurted, his voice cracking slightly. He buried his face in his hands again, groaning. “Okay, maybe a little. But not like… the way you think.”

Sua raised an eyebrow, her curiosity growing. “Then what way?”

Hyuna stepped in before Till could dig himself a deeper hole, a knowing smirk tugging at her lips. “It’s nothing, Sua. He’s just going through something. Aren’t you, Till?”

Till glared at her, his face red. “Shut up, Hyuna.”

Mizi reached out, resting a hand on his arm. “Till, whatever it is, you can tell us. You know we’re here for you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Till muttered, refusing to meet anyone’s gaze.

“Too bad,” Hyuna shot back. “Because we’re not leaving until you do.”

Till groaned, dragging his hands down his face. “Why are you even here? Don’t you have better things to do?”

“Nope,” Hyuna said cheerfully, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Now spill.”

Mizi stepped forward hesitantly. “Till, we’re just worried about you. If something’s bothering you-”

“Something’s always bothering me,” Till cut her off, though the mean tone in his voice had finally faded. He slumped further into the mattress, his frustration leaking into the air around him. “It’s nothing. Just… forget it.”

Sua tilted her head, her calm gaze pinning him down. “You don’t look like someone dealing with nothing. You look like someone who’s been carrying around a bomb that’s about to tick off.”

Till let out a hollow laugh, though not meeting their gaze. “Yeah? Well, maybe that’s because everything feels like it’s about to blow up.”

Sua exchanged a glance with Mizi, her brows knitting together. “Blow up how?”

He hesitated, the words catching in his throat. But then Hyuna gave him a knowing look,, and something inside him cracked. The pressure building in his chest demanded release, and he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“It’s Ivan,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.

Mizi blinked, her usual confidence faltering. “Ivan? What about him?”

Till exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair. “We were at his place a few days ago. I was playing my guitar, and we were talking, and then… things got weird.”

Mizi and Sua shared a confused look. “Define “weird”, it’s Ivan. He’s always weird.” said Mizi.

Till shifted uncomfortably, his cheeks flushing. “He said all this stuff about how he transferred schools because of me. That he remembered me from some random moment when we were kids, and he’s been… I don’t know, obsessed? Whatever. And then he said he can’t predict me, and that’s why he cares so much.”

Mizi’s mouth fell open slightly. “Wait, he transferred because of you?”

“That’s not the worst part,” Till muttered, his voice dropping. He stared down at his hands, his fingers knotting together as if trying to hold something in place. “We were sitting there, and he… he put his hand on my thigh.”

Hyuna’s eyebrows shot up. “He did what now? You didn’t tell me about this!”

“And our faces were so close,” Till continued, his voice rising as the words poured out. “Like, way too close. I could feel his breath, and I thought- no, I knew, that if I moved even a little, we’d…” He let out a shaky breath. ”And I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was like this- this tension I didn’t know what to do with, and it was driving me insane!”

Sua’s eyebrows arched slightly, a flicker of understanding passing over her face, but she stayed quiet, letting him speak.

“And the worst part,” Till went on, his voice breaking, “is that I didn’t hate it. I wanted to punch him or yell at him or something, but I didn’t hate it. And now I can’t stop thinking about him, and it’s so… frustrating!” He threw his hands up in exasperation, his face flushed with equal parts anger and embarrassment. “And then I come back here, and you two-” He gestured vaguely at Mizi and Sua. “-are all… cozy and happy, and it just makes everything worse.”

The room fell silent, Till’s confession hanging in the air. Mizi looked utterly lost for words, her eyes darting nervously between Hyuna and Sua. Hyuna’s mouth opened and closed a few times, her usual sharp tongue failing her after hearing about the details Till had excluded before..

Then, unexpectedly, Sua laughed.

It wasn’t a mocking laugh or one born of spite. It was soft, warm, and carried a surprising note of understanding that made Till freeze.

“You’re not the first person to feel like that,” Sua said gently, her voice steady and calm. “Trust me. I’ve been there.”

Till stared at her, his mouth slightly open. “What?”

Mizi gulped, slightly blushing. “You did?”

Sua stepped forward, her movements unhurried as she stepped on the edge of the bed beside him, next to Hyuna. “That feeling of confusion, of wanting something but not knowing what to do with it? It’s scary. And frustrating. And it makes you want to scream sometimes.” She smiled faintly, her gaze steady. “But it’s okay. Look at where it made me end up.”

Till blinked, her words getting into his thick head slowly, like sunlight breaking through a stormy sky. “You… you don’t think I’m-”

“Weird? No,” Sua said firmly. “Human? Yes.”

Mizi watched, her worry slowly giving way to a soft, admiring smile as Sua continued.

“And for what it’s worth,” Sua added, her tone lightening, “you’re not alone in figuring this stuff out. Everyone’s got their own version of this mess. Yours just happens to involve a guy who apparently can’t predict you, which honestly sounds kind of romantic if you think about it.”

Till groaned, burying his face in his hands. “Don’t make it worse.”

Sua chuckled, nudging Till lightly on the arm. "Sorry, couldn’t resist. But seriously, it’s not the end of the world. Just a part of figuring yourself out.”

Mizi, still sitting cross-legged on the floor, raised her hand hesitantly, a confused expression on her face. “Wait, hold up. Till, you used to like me, didn’t you? I mean, I’ve known you since forever, and I always kinda assumed…”

Till groaned, his face turning a deeper shade of red. “Mizi, can you not?”

“No, seriously!” Mizi pressed, leaning forward with wide eyes. “Is this, like, a thing? Were you confused back then too, or were you just  what’s the word- experimenting?”

Hyuna, sitting on the bed beside Till, snorted loudly. “Oh, this is gold. Go on, Till. Let’s hear the timeline of your existential crisis.”

“I hate all of you,” Till muttered, his voice muffled as he buried his face in his hands again.

Sua was biting her lip to keep from laughing, but the corners of her mouth betrayed her. “I don’t understand how you kept your love for Mizi a secret for so long. The second I realized, I was ready to risk it all- to be rejected or to be loved.” She chuckled. “Are you sure you really, really liked her?” Sua asked, tone more curious than judgemental.

Till peeked out from behind his fingers, glaring at her. “I did, okay? But it wasn’t like this, like…” He blushed, thinking about Ivan’s hand on his thigh. “Not like that.” He turned to Mizi with a resigned sigh. “I liked you because you were safe, you know? You’ve always been there, and I guess I thought that’s what love was supposed to feel like.”

Mizi blinked, her mouth forming a small “oh.” Then she tilted her head, frowning slightly. “So… you’re saying I was your safety crush? Like training wheels?”

“That’s one way to put it,” Hyuna quipped, grinning. “Till, you really know how to charm a girl.”

“Hyuna, you’re not helping!” Till snapped, but his irritation was already softening as Mizi laughed.

“Well,” Mizi said, flipping her hair dramatically, “I guess it’s a good thing I like Sua. Poor Ivan wouldn’t stand a chance if I did’t.”

Sua smirked, leaning closer to Mizi. “Poor Ivan? I don’t think he’s the one who’s confused here.”

Hyuna grinned wickedly. “And it’s all thanks to me. Everyone I touch turns into a hot, bisexual mess. Call it the Hyuna Effect.”

“The Luka Effect,” Mizi corrected, her voice teasing as she pointed a finger at Hyuna. “This all started with him, and him letting you dress him in girly clothes and him being fine with it. Cmon now, that must’ve fucked up mine and Till’s idea of gender as children. You guys practically cuddled when he was in those clothes” Mizi laughed, giving Hyuna a knowing look. “It’s contagious and you know it.”

Hyuna froze, her grin faltering slightly. “Don’t bring Luka into this.”

“Wait,” Sua said, sitting up straighter. “Luka? As in the Luka? The idol? What does he have to do with anything?”

Hyuna groaned, dragging a hand down her face. “Oh, great. Now we’re talking about him.”

Mizi, clearly enjoying Hyuna’s discomfort, leaned back with a smug expression. “Luka used to be in the orphanage with us. He and Hyuna were super close back then. Practically inseparable.”

Sua’s eyes widened in surprise. “Wait, seriously? Luka was an orphan?”

“Yep,” Mizi said, her tone light. “He got adopted when he was, like, sixteen, but he and Hyuna kept in touch for a while. Then something happened, and now they act like they don’t know each other.”

“It’s not like that,” Hyuna muttered, crossing her arms defensively. “We just… lost contact.”

“Lost contact, my ass,” Till muttered, his voice low but audible enough to earn a sharp smack from Hyuna.

Sua frowned, glancing between them. “What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Hyuna sighed heavily, trying to think of a quick lie. “He left, okay? Got adopted, became Luka the superstar, and forgot about the rest of us. End of story.”

“It’s not the end of the story,” Mizi said gently, her teasing tone fading. “Hyuna, you know it’s more complicated than that.”

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter,” Hyuna snapped, standing up abruptly. “We’ve got bigger things to worry about than Luka. Like Till here, who still hasn’t figured out whether he’s gonna kiss Ivan or punch him.”

“Hyuna!” Till groaned, his face buried in his hands yet again.

Sua, trying to diffuse the tension, rested a hand on Mizi’s shoulder and gave Hyuna a small smile. “Maybe we can take it one crisis at a time. Luka can wait.”

“Fine by me,” Hyuna muttered, sitting back down. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you, Till. If you keep running, you’re just gonna make it harder for yourself.”

Till exhaled heavily, finally looking up at the group. “I’m not running. I’m just… figuring stuff out. Slowly.”

“Good,” Sua said, her voice steady. “Just don’t forget that you don’t have to figure it out alone. We’re here, whether you like it or not.”

Till’s gaze lingered on her for a moment before he nodded, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Thanks. I guess.”

Hyuna rolled her eyes but grinned. “Don’t get all mushy on us now. You’ll ruin your tough guy image.”

Mizi laughed, leaning into Sua. “Too late for that.”

Chapter 28: exhale

Summary:

“Fuck you!” Till scoffed, his teal eyes blazing with a mix of anger and embarrassment. “Why do you always have to push me like this?”

Ivan straightened, fixing his black hair by brushing it with his hands, his expression unreadable but calm. “Because I like pushing you,” he said simply, stepping forward again, unbothered by Till’s outburst. “And because you let me.”

The school halls were quieter than usual, the silence pressing down on Till. He walked slowly, not really heading towards the practice room, his thoughts all over the place. Lately, everything felt heavier- every conversation, every glance. It was like something had shifted, and he couldn’t figure out how to adjust to it.

He couldn’t stop thinking about everything that had happened, no matter how much he tried to push it away. It wasn’t just Ivan. It was Mizi, Hyuna, Sua- everyone. Mizi always had that way of reading his mind, knowing what he was feeling even when he didn’t want to admit it. Hyuna had her own struggles but somehow always found time to listen to his. Even Sua, who barely put up with him most days, had moments where she surprised him with her kindness. It all stuck with him, whether he wanted it to or not.

But Ivan… Ivan was different.

Till’s fists clenched at his sides as his thoughts circled back to him, like they always did. He couldn’t help it. Ivan had this way of getting under his skin, of making him feel seen in a way that scared the hell out of him. The way he looked at Till, like he was waiting for something but willing to wait forever if he had to. It pissed him off how patient Ivan was, how gentle his words could be even when Till lashed out.

And then there was that day in the apartment.

Till felt his stomach twist at the memory. He’d let his guard down, told Ivan things he’d never said out loud before, and for a moment, it had felt okay. Like maybe he didn’t have to keep everything locked up inside. But then the panic had set in, and he’d run- like he always did.

Coward. That’s what he was. A coward who couldn’t face the things Ivan made him feel.

The worst part was, he didn’t even know what those feelings were. Anger? Annoyance? Or something else entirely? Something he knew he felt but wasn’t ready to name, something that made his chest tighten every time he thought about Ivan’s stupid smirk or the way his dark eyes softened when he spoke.

Till shook his head, as if the motion could scatter the thoughts, but it didn’t help. His steps slowed as he approached the music room, the familiar sight of the door making his chest ache with a mix of dread and anticipation. He should turn around. Go back to the dorms and pretend none of this was happening.

But then the sound of the piano reached him, soft and familiar, wrapping around him like a thread pulling him forward. His feet moved before his brain could catch up, carrying him toward the door and the person waiting inside.

Because no matter how much Till wanted to run, part of him always came back.

The muffled sound of a piano drifted down the quiet hallway, pulling Till to a stop. He’d only meant to grab his guitar from the music room, escape for a few minutes of alone time to gather his thoughts without anyone noticing him. But the soft, familiar melody that rang in his ear.

It wasn’t just any melody- it was the one he’d played for Ivan that day in private. The same day he’d rambled to Ivan about his past, the day he let himself be vulnerable in front of someone. It was just for a moment, before Till had turned away like a coward like the usual.

His fingers curled into fists at his sides. He should leave. He should-

“You’re just going to stand there?”

Till flinched, Ivan’s voice breaking through his thoughts. The playing had stopped, leaving only the deafening silence of the room between them. Ivan didn’t sound angry, but there was something in his tone- like he’d been waiting for this moment.

Till hesitated, Ivan’s voice pinning him in place. He swallowed hard and forced himself to step into the room, his school slippers squeaking faintly against the polished floor. Ivan sat at the piano, his back to Till, hands still resting lightly on the keys. The tension in the air was almost suffocating.

“I didn’t know you played the piano,” Till said, his voice quieter than he intended. It was a weak attempt to deflect, and he knew it.

Ivan glanced over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised. “You do know this is your song, right?” His lips quivered into a faint smile, but his eyes betrayed him, reflecting his emotions. Hurt, longing, frustration, all tangled together.

Till’s stomach twisted. “It’s not my song, it's my mothers.”

Ivan turned fully, resting his elbow on the edge of the piano and giving Till with a knowing look. “You’re terrible at hiding, you know.”

Till furrowed his eyebrows in response to the unrelated remark. “The fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“A lot, actually,” Ivan said, his voice calm but edged with something sharp, “It has to do with the fact that you’ve been avoiding me. And not very subtly.”

Till clenched his jaw, his gaze dropping to the floor. “I’ve been busy.”

“Busy,” Ivan repeated, his tone skeptical. He stood, his movements deliberate as he stepped up then away from the piano, closing the distance between them. “Too busy to even look me in the eye lately? Too busy to explain what happened that day?”

“There’s nothing to explain,” Till muttered, taking a step back, but Ivan followed, his presence steady and unyielding.

“That’s a lie,” Ivan said simply. “And you know it.”

The bluntness of the words made Till flinch. He glanced up, meeting Ivan’s gaze for the first time in what felt like ages. There was no anger there, just an intensity that left Till feeling exposed.

“I don’t-” Till began, but the words caught in his throat. He looked away again, using one of his fists to slightly punch Ivan’s chest. Not to hurt him, but to push him away- thought it had no impact on Ivan’s stance. “I don’t know how to deal with this, okay?”

Ivan’s brows furrowed, though his expression seemed slightly softer. He didn’t step back, grabbing Till’s fist from chest and aggressively pushing it away. “Deal with what?”

Till huffed, frustrated with himself, with Ivan, with everything. “You, Ivan. This… whatever this is. You get under my skin, and- Ugh.” He groaned, stepping back to shut the rooms door. He leaned his back towards it, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know how to handle you. This. All of this. All of you.”

Ivan’s breath hitched, but he didn’t let the moment slip away. Instead, he reached out, his fingers brushing Till’s wrist lightly. “Then don’t handle it,” Ivan said, his voice quieter now. “Just let it be.”

The simplicity of the words made Till’s chest ache. He looked at Ivan again, his defenses crumbling piece by piece. “I don’t know how.”

“You don’t have to know everything,” Ivan said, a small, genuine smile breaking through. “Just… don’t push me away.”

For a moment, the silence stretched between them, thick and charged. Till’s gaze flickered to Ivan’s lips, just for a second, before he caught himself and looked away again, his heart hammering in his chest.

“What… do you want from me? Why do you want to be by my side so bad?” Till asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

The fingers that had brushed Till’s wrist tightened, their grip firm but not forceful. Ivan’s other hand lifted slowly, hesitantly, until it hovered near Till’s cheek, as if seeking permission before closing the distance. The warmth of Ivan’s palm against his skin sent a jolt through Till’s chest, his breath catching in his throat.

“I don’t want you to run this time,” Ivan murmured, his voice low and steady, the words hanging in the charged air between them.

Till’s eyes widened, his pulse pounding in his ears. He wanted to pull away, to retreat into the safety of his defenses, but something in Ivan’s gaze held him there- it was so soft. As if Ivan was willing to wait as long as it took.

“I…” Till’s voice wavered, but he couldn’t look away. The closeness between them was overwhelming, suffocating and intoxicating all at once. “I don’t know how to-”

“You don’t have to,” Ivan interrupted gently, his thumb brushing lightly across Till’s cheek, a fleeting touch that sent shivers down Till’s spine. “Just stay.”

Till's lips parted as if to respond, but no words came out. He looked at Ivan, his eyes filled with a confusion that made his chest feel tight. "I don’t understand you," Till muttered finally, his voice trembling with frustration. “I don’t understand why you… why you’re like this with me.”

Ivan tilted his head slightly, his thumb still gently brushing against Till’s skin. “Like what?”

“Like-” Till took a deep breath, trying to sound less annoyed. “This. You’re so… calm, so patient. Like you’re waiting for something from me, and I don’t know if I can give it to you.”

Ivan’s expression didn’t move. “I don’t need you to give me anything, Till.” He let out a soft breath, his hand moving from Till’s cheek to rest against his jaw, as a faint smile appeared on his face. “Because I want to give everything I possibly can to you. I want to love you, Till. Even if you don’t love me back. Even if you don’t know how to handle it. I just want to be here for you.”

Till blinked as heat starting rising up on his face, his brows furrowing as he searched Ivan’s face for any sign of insincerity. He found none.

“I just need you to let me in. To let me… be there for you. Through anything.” Ivan continued, his hand sliding down to rest gently on Till’s shoulder.

“You don’t even know if I…” Till trailed off, looking away. His voice was smaller when he spoke again. “If I’m even capable of that.”

Ivan shook his head, stepping closer, their bodies now mere inches apart. “It doesn’t matter,” he said firmly. “I’ll love you anyway. Even if you never feel the same. I’ll be here, Till. Taking care of you, seeing you in all the ways you won’t let anyone else. I’ll never leave, Till. Not after you let me in.”

Till’s heart pounded against his ribcage, his mind a foggy with thoughts he couldn’t make sense of. He wanted to argue, to push Ivan away like he always did, but his body refused to move. The sincerity in Ivan’s voice, the warmth in his touch- it made it impossible to fight back. 

This wasn’t comfortable or safe. It felt like stepping into something he couldn’t predict, like walking a tightrope without knowing if there was a net to catch him. Till wasn’t used to this- letting himself be vulnerable, letting someone get this close. It felt like a risk. He knew he wasn’t ready to take the risk, how he would be unable to face the consequences- but for some reason, he felt as if… it was worth the risk.

“You’re a fucking moron,” Till whispered.

“Am I?” Ivan countered, his lips curving into a soft smile as he leaned in, his nose resting lightly against Till’s, breathing in his scent. “Cause you let me be too close.” He chuckled lightly, as his lips brushed against the corner of Till’s. “Tell me to stop, and I will. But if you don’t…”

The words hung in the air, heavy with unspoken meaning. Till didn’t say anything. He couldn’t.

Ivan took his silence as permission and closed the remaining distance between them, his lips pressing softly against Till’s. It wasn’t demanding or forceful- just a quiet, tender declaration of everything Ivan had been holding back. Till froze for a moment, his breath hitching, but he didn’t pull away.

Instead, he leaned in, returning the kiss hesitantly at first, then with more certainty as the seconds passed. Ivan’s hand slid from Till’s shoulder to the back of his neck, his fingers running gently through his hair. The kiss deepened, slowly, like they were both testing the waters of the other.

Till could feel the faint edge of Ivan’s snaggletooth brushing against his bottom lip, and it sent a shiver down his spine- not unpleasant, just unexpected.

They broke apart briefly, both of them breathing hard. Ivan’s eyes searched Till’s face, his thumb brushing against Till’s jawline. “I mean it,” he murmured. “All of it.”

Till didn’t respond with words. Instead, he leaned in again, pressing his lips with Ivan’s own. This time, the kiss was more urgent, Till’s hands gripping Ivan’s shoulders as he tried to take control of the moment. His lips moved with a fierceness that surprised even himself, but Ivan didn’t stumble.

Ivan’s hands found Till’s waist, holding him steady as he subtly shifted their positions. When Till pressed forward, Ivan pushed back, firm but not aggressive, guiding them until Till’s back was against the piano now. The kiss grew deeper, Ivan’s lips parting slightly to pull Till in further. His snaggletooth brushing teasingly against Till’s lip again, a small reminder of who he was kissing.

Till’s hands slid up Ivan’s chest, tugging at his shirt as if trying to regain dominance, but Ivan was quicker. With a firm but gentle motion, he caught Till’s wrists, pinning them to the piano behind him. The sound of the keys beneath them let out a loud, unharmonious note, but neither of them cared.

“Ivan-” Till started, but his words were swallowed as Ivan tilted his head, deepening the kiss with such force that left Till breathless. Ivan’s grip on his wrists was strong, steady, but not painful. Ivan's black hair, usually styled neatly, now fell forward, brushing against Till's forehead. 

Ivan’s lips moved to Till’s jawline, leaving a trail of warmth as he kissed the soft skin beneath his ear. His movements were warm, calculated, each kiss made Ivan feel like his lips were on fire. His hands loosened their hold on Till’s wrists, sliding down to his waist, then to the fabric of his school uniform.

Till's shirt was slightly unbuttoned on top, his tie loose, exposing the skin of his neck and the faint edge of his collarbones. Ivan took advantage, his lips pressing against the exposed skin, slow and wet, as if he was memorizing every part. The warmth of his breath sent shivers down Till’s spine, and the scent of Ivan’s cologne wrapped around him, making it impossible to focus.

Till let out a low, frustrated growl, his hands gripping Ivan’s shoulders roughly as if to push him back, but he didn’t follow through. Instead, his fingers curled into the fabric of Ivan’s black turtleneck that he wore under his uniform, yanking him from the back of his neck closer despite his irritation. “You’re such a fucking tease,” Till muttered, his voice shaky with both anger and something he didn’t want to name.

Ivan pulled back slightly, just enough to meet Till’s eyes. His own black ones, flecked with crimson, shined with amusement and something deeper. “Am I?” he said softly, his voice smooth but challenging. Without waiting for an answer, he dipped his head lower, his lips brushing against the bend of Till’s throat.

Till’s breath hitched, his body tensing as Ivan’s kisses grew bolder. He could feel Ivan’s snaggletooth against his skin, causing heat to spread through his body. It was infuriating how easily Ivan could disarm him like this. 

“Stop…” Till muttered, but his hands betrayed his words, fisting into Ivan’s shirt as if holding on for stability, and pushing him closer. “I mean it.”

Ivan smirked against his neck, his lips curling sluggishly. “You don’t,” he murmured, his voice muffled as he kissed the edge of Till’s collarbone.

The frustration boiled over in Till, and before he could stop himself, he shoved Ivan back with a burst of strength, slamming his palms against Ivan’s chest. The sound of the piano keys clanged again as Ivan stumbled slightly but caught himself, his smirk never fading.

“Fuck you!” Till scoffed, his teal eyes blazing with a mix of anger and embarrassment. “Why do you always have to push me like this?”

Ivan straightened, fixing his black hair by brushing it with his hands, his expression unreadable but calm. “Because I like pushing you,” he said simply, stepping forward again, unbothered by Till’s outburst. “And because you let me.”

Till glared at him, his breathing still heavy, his hands still on Ivan’s chest. He grabbed the taller one's uniform aggressively, pulling him towards himself. “I could punch you right now,” he hissed, though his voice lacked the conviction.

“Go ahead,” Ivan said, his voice soft, almost taunting. He leaned in close again, letting Till pull himself, his hands resting on Till’s waist. Suddenly, he pushed him back against the piano. “But you won’t.”

The tension in Till’s shoulders didn’t ease, but he didn’t fight as he said. Ivan’s lips found their way back to his neck, trailing along his skin with wet kisses. “You’re infuriating,” Till said as he leaned back against the piano, one of his hands gripping the back of Ivan’s hair, pulling the strands as he pushed Ivan’s head toward his neck.

“And you’re irresistible,” Ivan whispered against his skin, his tone both teasing and sincere, as if Till wasn’t about to rip the strands of his hair. His hands slid beneath the edge of Till’s blazer, pulling it off his shoulders with ease. The blazer hit the floor with a soft thud, leaving Till more exposed, his white dress shirt obviously unironed and untucked.

Till let out a shaky exhale. His mind screamed at him to push Ivan away, to put an end to this before it went too far, but his body refused to move. Instead, he gritted his teeth, his hands gripping Ivan’s hair tightly.

“What…” Till muttered under his breath, his voice rough but with a resigned acceptance. “Are we? What kind of relationship do we have to be doing- uhm…” He paused for a moment, looking for the right words. “...this kind of stuff.”

Till's words hung in the air, shakey and uncertain, as Ivan pulled back just enough to look at him. Their faces were still close, Ivan’s breath warm against Till’s flushed skin. His dark eyes, the crimson pupils, studied Till’s expression with an intensity that made Till’s chest tighten.

Ivan tilted his head, his smirk softening into something more thoughtful. “What are we?” he repeated, his voice low, almost a murmur. “Whatever you want us to be.”

“That’s not an answer,” Till muttered, his hands still gripping the strands of Ivan’s hair. His frustration was clear, but so was the vulnerability that bled into his tone. “You can’t just-” He paused, exhaling sharply, his grip loosening. “You can’t just kiss me like this and leave me with nothing to hold onto.”

Ivan’s lips quivered slightly, but there was no teasing in his gaze this time. “I’m not leaving you with nothing, Till. It’s the opposite. I’m giving you everything I’ve got.” His hand slid to cup Till’s face gently, his thumb brushing along the sharp edge of his jawline. 

Till’s breath was uneven as he stared at Ivan, the warmth of Ivan’s hand against his jawline making his pulse race all at once. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to feel. It was too much and not enough all at once, his skin tingled in every spot Ivan had touched, a heat that refused to fade.

Left with no response, Ivan’s thumb traced a slow line along Till’s jaw, his voice still sow. “Okay, let me make it simple,” he murmured, his eyes locked on Till’s. “Be mine. And let me be yours.”

The words sent a shiver down Till’s spine, his chest tightening. His lips opened up, wanting to argue, but no sound came out. The idea made his mind foggy, heavy and consuming. Till couldn’t tell if it terrified him or made him want to lean in closer- maybe both, even.

Instead of answering, Till moved. His hands slid from Ivan’s hair to his shoulders, shoving him back with enough force to make him stumble into the chair behind him. Ivan fell into it with a low grunt, his dark eyes widening slightly before softening into something more amused.

“Till-” Ivan started, but the words were cut off as Till closed the distance between them, his knee now placed firmly between Ivan’s legs as he leaned down. His hands gripped Ivan’s shoulders tightly, his teal eyes blazing with something Ivan couldn’t quite place.

“Don’t talk,” Till muttered, his voice rough, before pressing his lips to Ivan’s with a dedication that left no room for hesitation. Ivan’s hands found Till’s waist, steadying him as their bodies pressed together, the heat between them almost unbearable.

The kiss deepened, Till’s movements almost frantic as if he was trying to drown out every doubt and thought in his mind. Ivan responded just as eagerly, his fingers curling into the fabric of Till’s shirt, pulling him closer.

Till shifted, his knee pressing harder against Ivan’s crotch, drawing a soft sound from him that sent a thrill through Till’s chest. Ivan continued guiding the kiss with a gentleness that contrasted Till’s intensity, his snaggletooth causing Till’s bottom lip to slightly bleed.

Ivan grasped Till’s shoulders, slightly pushing him away and steadying him as his thumb gently traced over Till’s bleeding bottom lip. He wiped away the blood with a slow motion, then brought his thumb to his own lips, his tongue flicking over it in an unhurried gesture.

“You’re… such a weirdo” Till muttered, his breath coming in short, uneven bursts. 

Ivan’s lips curved into a slow, wicked smile, his dark eyes gleaming with something unspoken, something that sent a wave of heat through Till’s already burning chest. He didn’t respond immediately, his thumb lingering near his mouth as if savoring the taste, his gaze locked onto Till’s.

“A weirdo?” Ivan murmured, his voice low and teasing, his head tilting slightly as he regarded Till with an unsettling calm. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Till felt his pulse quicken, the words that came out of Ivan’s mouth -and that damn look, unsettling him in ways he wasn’t ready to admit. He leaned back slightly, but Ivan’s hands didn’t let him move far. They slid from Till’s shoulders to his waist, pulling him closer again.

“You make it sound like I’m the freak here,” Ivan continued, his voice soft, but his words carried a dangerous edge. “But you’re the one pinning me down like this, your knee where it is, and I’m not exactly the one bleeding right now.”

Till’s cheeks flushed, though he refused to back down. “Shut up,” he muttered, his teal eyes narrowing as his fingers tightened on Ivan’s shoulders. “You’re the one making this weird.”

Ivan chuckled, a deep, rich sound that made Till’s stomach flip. “Really” he questioned, leaning in just enough that their noses brushed. “Or are you just scared you like it?”

Till’s breath hitched, his body going rigid for a moment. Ivan took the opportunity to move, his lips brushing softly against the corner of Till’s mouth, then trailing down his jawline once again. 

Before Till could respond, Ivan’s teeth grazed the sensitive spot just below his ear, his snaggletooth pressing enough to sting but not hurt. The sensation made Till’s entire body lose control over itself, his hands instinctively pushing against Ivan’s chest to create distance, but Ivan held firm.

Ivan pulled back slightly, just enough to let Till catch his breath. “You’re addictive,” he murmured, his thumb brushing against Till’s collarbones.

Till scoffed, though his voice was unsteady. “You’re a freak.”

“And you’re the one who can’t seem to stop,” Ivan replied smoothly, his lips curving into a smirk that made Till’s stomach twist in ways he didn’t want to analyze.

“I hate you,” Till muttered, but the words carried no real meaning, especially as he leaned in again. Ivan closed the distance between their lips, his snaggletooth scraping against Till’s bottom lip again.

Chapter 29: unfair

Summary:

Mizi’s fingers froze against the fabric, her eyes narrowing as she got a better look at Till’s neck. Her breath hitched as the faint, reddish-purple marks peeked out from under the edge of the turtleneck.

“Oh,” she said, her voice going soft, then louder as realization hit her. “Oh my god. Till!”

Till stiffened, his face immediately getting red. He immediately yanked the jacket back off and clutched it in front of him like a shield. “What? What are you freaking out about now?” he snapped, though his tone lacked any real bite.

Mizi’s jaw dropped as she pointed at his neck. “Are those- oh my god, they are! You- he- you let Ivan do that to you?”

The piano room was quiet now, save for the faint sound of their breathing. The sun outside had dipped low, casting the room in shades of amber and shadow. Till leaned against the piano, his head tilted back, catching his breath as Ivan stood a few steps away, running a hand through his now messy black hair. His school blazer was slightly rumpled, and his shirt collar hung open, revealing the pale skin beneath.

Till turned his head slightly, catching his reflection in the window. His teal eyes narrowed as he took in the faint, reddish marks blooming across the sides of his neck and the faint bite marks on his skin. His jaw tightened.

“Shit,” Till muttered under his breath, running a hand over his neck as if it would erase the evidence. “You’re an asshole, you know that?”

Ivan chuckled, low and lazy, his hands sliding into his pockets. “I’ve been told once or twice.”

“I can’t walk out like this,” Till snapped, rubbing his neck. “It’s- ugh.”

Ivan stepped closer, his smirk softening into something more amused than taunting. “Oh, come on. It’s not that bad.”

“Not that bad?” Till shot him a glare, his face flushing. “I look like I got attacked.”

“You did,” Ivan said smoothly, leaning casually against the piano. “By me. You’re welcome.”

Till groaned, pinching the low bridge of his nose as he tried to ignore the heat creeping up his face. His eyes flicked back to the window, and his frustration grew. “Take off your turtleneck.”

Ivan blinked, his smirk vanishing for half a second before it returned, sharper and more amused. “Excuse me?”

“The turtleneck,” Till repeated, gesturing impatiently. “You’re wearing one under your uniform. Give it to me.”

Ivan tilted his head, a glint of mischief in his dark eyes. “And why would I do that?”

“Because I need to cover this up,” Till said, his tone sharp. “And you’re the one who- ugh, just hand it over.”

Ivan didn’t move immediately. Instead, he crossed his arms, his smirk deepening as he watched Till squirm. “Are you sure this isn’t just an elaborate excuse to see me strip?”

Till froze, his teal eyes widening as he stared at Ivan. “What?”

“You know,” Ivan said, his voice smooth and teasing as he leaned in slightly. “All you had to do was ask. I wouldn’t mind.” His fingers moved to the top button of his shirt, unbuttoning it slowly. “I mean, if you’re that curious-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Till snapped, his voice a little too loud in the quiet room. His face was burning now. “Just- give me the damn turtleneck, or I swear-”

Till glared at Ivan, his frustration written on his face as the taller boy took off his uniform in an infuriating way, full of nonchalance. Ivan’s smirk didn’t even flicker for a moment as he tugged at the hem of his turtleneck, lifting it over his head in one fluid motion. 

His eyes moved unwillingly toward Ivan as he took the turtleneck off, catching a glimpse of his upper body before turning his gaze away. But it was too late- the image was already carved into his mind. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Till snapped, turning his head away so fast he almost felt the need to slap himself. His teal eyes darted to the piano keys, desperate for anywhere to look that wasn’t Ivan. “Why are you stripping right in front of me?”

Ivan’s build wasn’t bulky or overdone, but lean and toned in a way that made every movement seem effortless. His biceps were defined, his shoulders broad enough to make his frame look strong without being overwhelming. There was a quiet power in the way his torso shifted, all clean lines and subtle muscle, like he was built for action rather than show. It annoyed Till, how natural it looked- like Ivan didn’t even have to try. Of course, the asshole would be smug about it, too.

Ivan chuckled, the sound low and amused as he bundled up the turtleneck in his hands. “You told me to take it off,” he said simply, his tone maddeningly casual. “I’m just following orders.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to do it like- like that!” Till hissed, still refusing to look directly at him. His ears burned as he folded his arms across his chest, hunching his shoulders as if trying to shield himself from further embarrassment.

“Like what?” Ivan teased, stepping closer and holding out the turtleneck. “I mean, I could’ve done it slower if you wanted.”

“Shut up!” Till growled, snatching the turtleneck from Ivan’s outstretched hands with a sharp tug. “You’re so damn annoying.”

Ivan’s grin widened, his bare arms crossed over his naked upper body shirt as he leaned casually against the piano. “Be nice, I am letting you borrow my clothes.”

Till’s face twisted in frustration as he clutched the turtleneck in his hands, glaring at Ivan. “Shut up,” he muttered, voice gruff and uneven. Turning away slightly, he yanked at the buttons of his school shirt, his fingers fumbling in his rush to get it open.

Ivan didn’t say anything at first, which was somehow worse. The silence made Till too aware of every sound- the rustle of fabric, the slight hitch in his breath, and most annoyingly, the faint scrape of Ivan shifting his weight against the piano.

“Could you not stare at me like that?” Till snapped suddenly, turning his head halfway toward Ivan, his teal eyes sharp.

Ivan didn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed. Instead, his lips curved into a slow, knowing grin, his dark eyes sparkling with mischief. “Like what?” he asked, his tone impossibly casual. “I’m just standing here.”

“Bullshit,” Till shot back, his voice rising a little. He hesitated, his fingers hovering over the buttons of his half-open shirt. He could feel Ivan’s gaze -no, he could practically see it. It seemed as if Ivan was saving every tiny movement to memory. It made Till’s skin itch, his pulse quickening for reasons he didn’t want to think about.

Ivan shrugged, the movement making the muscles in his shoulders flex just enough to catch Till’s eyesight from the corner of his eye. “You’re the one undressing in front of me,” Ivan pointed out, his voice low, the teasing lilt obvious. “I could leave if it makes you shy.”

Till clenched his jaw, his cheeks burning hotter. “I’m not shy,” he muttered, turning his attention back to his shirt and hurriedly yanking it open. The buttons clattered against the fabric, and he shrugged out of it as fast as he could without looking like he cared.

Ivan didn’t move. Didn’t even blink. “I mean, if you’re comfortable with me watching…” he trailed off, his smirk growing as his gaze shamelessly lingered on Till’s bare shoulders and his slender yet toned frame. “You’ve got nothing to hide, you know.”

“God, you’re unbearable,” Till said as if it was a slur, he pulled the turtleneck on roughly, tugging it over his head with more force than necessary. The fabric was soft, and the faint scent of Ivan’s cologne clung to it, making Till’s chest tighten. 

The soft fabric slid into place, covering the faint marks on his neck as he glared at Ivan from under the collar. “There. Happy now?”

Ivan’s grin stayed on his face. “You look great,” he said smoothly, his tone just this side of sarcastic, but there was something genuine in his dark eyes. “My clothes suit you.”

Till sighed, dragging a hand through his messy hair as he put on and rebuttoned his uniform shirt over the turtleneck. “If you don’t shut up, I’m going to-”

“What? Kiss me again?” Ivan cut in, his voice a low murmur.

Till froze, his eyes narrowing as he shot Ivan a dangerous glare. “You’re so full of yourself,” he bit out, grabbing his discarded blazer from the floor and putting it on. “For the record, you’re lucky I didn’t punch you.”

Ivan’s chuckle was soft, almost fond, as he pushed off the piano and stepped closer, his bare arms still crossed over his chest. “For the record, I’d let you,” he said, his smirk tilting into a teasing smile. “But only if you promise to kiss me after.”

Till let out a frustrated growl, shoving Ivan’s shoulder as he brushed past him toward where he had left his guitar, the purpose of his presence in this room. “You’re insufferable,” he muttered, though there was no real bite to his words.

Ivan followed a step behind, his grin never wavering. “And you can’t seem to get enough of it,” he called after him, his voice light and teasing.

-

The orphanage was quiet when Till stepped inside, the faint creak of the front door echoing through the dimly lit hallway. He kicked off his dirty sneakers and picked them up to bring them to his room. The chill of the evening still clinging to him despite the warmth of the place. He hadn’t expected to be gone so long, but Ivan had a way of making time go faster than it was or something.

The sound of footsteps pulled him from his thoughts, and before he could slip away unnoticed, Mizi appeared at the end of the hallway, by the end of the stairs. 

“Where have you been?” she asked, her expression a mix of worry and mild irritation. “It’s late.”

“Out,” Till replied shortly, closing the door behind him and walking toward the small common room where the heater was still humming softly, so they wouldn’t bother anyone sleeping upstairs.

Mizi followed, her brows furrowing. “Out where? You didn’t even text. Shine was worried about you.”

“Just… out,” Till muttered, shrugging off his winter jacket and hanging it on the back of the chair. He froze slightly as he caught her sharp intake of breath.

“What’s that?” Mizi asked, her tone shifting, sounding suspicious.

Till glanced at her, his eyes narrowing. “What’s what?”

“That,” she said, pointing at the black turtleneck snug under his school uniform shirt. “Since when do you wear turtlenecks?”

“It’s cold,” Till replied, his voice flat as he grabbed a cup from the counter and poured himself some water. “What’s the big deal?”

Mizi stepped closer, her eyes narrowing further as she studied him. “You never wear turtlenecks. Like, ever. And that doesn’t even look like yours.” She crossed her arms, her tone sharpening. “Till, where did you get that?”

“Why do you care?” Till snapped, a little harsher than he intended. He immediately regretted it when Mizi’s expression softened into something more curious than accusing.

“I care because you’re being weird,” she said calmly, tilting her head. “And because you’re acting like you don’t want me to know something.”

Till sighed, dragging a hand through his messy hair. “It’s not a big deal, okay? Just leave it.”

But Mizi wasn’t letting it go. Her eyes flicked between him and the turtleneck, and suddenly, a sudden realization crossed her face. “Wait,” she said, her voice dropping slightly. “Did… did Ivan give you that?”

Till stiffened, his grip tightening on the cup in his hand. “What? No,” he said too quickly, the heat rising to his face.

Mizi’s eyes widened, her mouth falling open in shock. “Oh my god,” she whispered, her hands rising to her mouth. “He did. Didn’t he?”

“Drop it, Mizi,” Till muttered, turning away and trying to focus on anything else. His ears burned, and he hated how transparent he was to Mizi.

Mizi, however, was grinning now, her earlier concern replaced by something far more mischievous. “Till!” she said, her voice rising slightly in delight. “You’re wearing his clothes! What were you doing?”

“Nothing,” Till bit out, his voice tight. “It’s not like that.”

“Oh, it’s exactly like that,” Mizi teased, stepping closer and slightly punching his arm. “You were with him this whole time, weren’t you? What, did he pin you down and make you wear it?”

Till shot her a glare, his cheeks flushing an even deeper shade of red. “Shut up,” he muttered, shrugging his jacket back on in a rush. But before he could fully pull it over his shoulders, Mizi stepped closer, her fingers pulling the fabric of the turtleneck.

“This feels expensive—wait... oh.”

Mizi’s fingers froze against the fabric, her eyes narrowing as she got a better look at Till’s neck. Her breath hitched as the faint, reddish-purple marks peeked out from under the edge of the turtleneck.

“Oh,” she said, her voice going soft, then louder as realization hit her. “Oh my god. Till!”

Till stiffened, his face immediately getting red. He immediately yanked the jacket back off and clutched it in front of him like a shield. “What? What are you freaking out about now?” he snapped, though his tone lacked any real bite.

Mizi’s jaw dropped as she pointed at his neck. “Are those- oh my god, they are! You- he- you let Ivan do that to you?”

Till’s face was burning now, and he quickly pulled the turtleneck higher up his neck, trying to cover the evidence. “Will you shut up already?” he said, his voice basically a panicked whisper. “You’re gonna wake everyone up!”

Mizi didn’t even acknowledge him, too busy staring at him like he’d just done something unbelievable. “You- you’ve been hanging out for like, what, a couple months? And you’re already-” She gestured wildly at him, her words tumbling out in disbelief. “Meanwhile, I’ve been close with Sua for two years , and we haven’t even- ugh!” She buried her face in her hands, groaning.

“What are you even talking about?” Till asked, frowning as he crossed his arms. He was desperate to turn the conversation away from himself, and this seemed like a good opportunity.

“You don’t get it, Till!” Mizi said, peeking at him through her fingers, her cheeks pink. “I’m down bad for Sua, okay? She’s so- ugh, she’s perfect. But we’ve only kissed. Kissed! And here you are, with Ivan of all people, already… this.” She gestured at his neck again, her voice trailing off into frustration. “You realized you might like guys a few days ago and have already done this!”

“Can you not?” Till muttered, pulling the turtleneck higher like it might erase the marks and the conversation altogether. “It’s not a competition.”

“Oh, trust me, if it were, you’d be winning,” Mizi said with a huff, crossing her arms. Her gaze softened slightly as she looked at him. “But seriously, Till… you and Ivan? That’s- wow. I mean, I didn’t think you’d… you know. This fast, at least.”

“Yeah, well, me neither,” Till muttered, his voice quieter now as he rubbed his neck, avoiding her gaze. “It just… happened.”

Mizi studied him for a moment, then smirked, though it was more amused than teasing this time. “You’re so awkward about this, it’s almost cute. But I swear, if you end up losing your virginity before me or something, I’m gonna lose it.”

“Not gonna happen,” Till said quickly, though the way his ears turned red gave him away. He turned toward the kitchen, desperate to escape the conversation. “Now, can we please drop it?”

Mizi followed him, grinning like she’d just uncovered the secret of the universe. “Fine, fine. But you’re telling me everything later at Hyuna’s. And I mean everything, Till.” She winked, and Till groaned, knowing there was no escaping her now.

-

Till lay in his bed, the only light in the room provided by the soft glow of the streetlamp outside. The faint hum of the heater was the only sound besides the snores of his roommates in the otherwise quiet orphanage. He stared at the ceiling, his thoughts a mess he couldn’t seem to sort through. The day’s events replayed over and over in his mind, like a movie he couldn’t pause.

His fingers absentmindedly traced the edge of the turtleneck Ivan had given him, the fabric still faintly carrying Ivan’s scent. It was distracting- annoyingly so. He could have taken it off- but then everyone would see the fucking hickeys Ivan had left all over his neck. 

Everything about Ivan was distracting. The way he spoke, his stupid confidence, that damn snaggletooth. Till groaned softly, burying his face in his pillow, as if that would block out the images.

He thought about the practice room, Ivan’s teasing smirk, and how easily he’d pushed Till’s buttons. How Ivan’s lips had felt against his skin, how his voice still echoed in Till’s ears like an annoying song he couldn’t shake. It wasn’t just Ivan, though. It was everything- Mizi figuring it out so quickly, her teasing, her comparisons to her own relationship with Sua. It all felt like too much, too fast.

How did it even get here? he wondered, his chest tightening. He had barely even started to make sense of his feelings, and now he was wearing Ivan’s clothes and dealing with Mizi’s relentless teasing.

His phone buzzed on the small table beside his bed. He reached for it, squinting at the screen in the dim light. The name on the notification made his stomach do a stupid little flip.

 

ivan (dumb fuck)

Hope you’re keeping my turtleneck warm.

23:21

 

Till let out a frustrated groan, flopping back onto his bed and glaring at the ceiling. Of course Ivan would text something like that. Of course, he’d find a way to be insufferable, even through a screen.

He typed out a response quickly, his thumbs tapping the screen harder than necessary.

 

shut up

23:21

 

He didn’t even have the chance to think before his phone buzzed again.

 

What? I was just making sure you didn’t ruin it or something. I expect it back in perfect condition.

23:21

 

Till’s face burned as he read the message. His fingers hovered over the keyboard, debating whether to reply or just throw his phone across the room. But then, another message popped up.

 

Unless, of course, you want to keep it.

I wouldn’t mind.

23:22

 

Till groaned louder this time, covering his face with his hands. Why is he like this? he thought to himself. And why do I like it?

He couldn’t stop himself from replying, though.

you’re so fucking annoying 

stop texting me

23:23

Aww, I thought you liked my attention. 

</3

23:23

 

Till stared at the screen, his heart racing and his mind screaming at him to ignore it. But the stupid smile tugging at the corner of his lips betrayed him, even as he rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head.

"Idiot," he muttered in a low voice.

goodnight 

stupid fuck

23:24

He didn’t wait for a response, because he knew it would come. He set his phone down on the nightstand beside him, his fingers brushing against the soft fabric of the turtleneck again. For the first time in a while, he managed to fall asleep, Ivan’s teasing words still buzzing in the back of his mind.

Chapter 30: silent pulse

Summary:

Luka shrugged lazily, tapping the unlit cigarette against his palm. “No reason. Just heard the name somewhere. Thought it sounded familiar.”

Ivan narrowed his eyes. “That’s not exactly an answer.”

“Do you know a Mizi or a Till?” Luka asked, completely ignoring Ivan’s suspicion. His tone was almost too casual, as though the question had just popped into his head.

Ivan hesitated. “I do. Why?”

Luka sat in the sterile white room, the soft hum of the fluorescent lights above him doing little to calm his nerves. The chill of the examination table beneath him made his muscles tense, but he tried to relax. His doctor, Dr. Kim, shuffled through a stack of medical papers on her desk, her glasses perched on the edge of her nose. It wasn’t the first time Luka had been here, nor would it be the last.

He hated these appointments, mandatory and unavoidable, ever since he got adopted. It was the constant reminder of his fragility. Of everything that could go wrong at any moment, how he could lose everything within the span of a blink.

"Luka," Dr. Kim finally spoke, looking up from the chart. Her tone was professional, but there was a softness in her eyes that acknowledged the seriousness of her words. "The results from your exams came through. Your asthma is stable, as long as you continue your current regimen. Your chronic migraines are manageable, but you’ve been skipping doses again, haven’t you?"

Luka didn’t answer immediately. He had, in fact, been skipping the medication. The long hours on stage, the flashing lights, the screaming fans- all of it seemed to drown out the pain. At least for a little while.

"I’ll take them more regularly," Luka finally replied, his voice hoarse. He wasn’t sure if he was convincing himself or Dr. Kim.

She gave him a knowing look but didn’t press the issue. Instead, she glanced back at the papers, tapping a pen against the table. "Your heart condition... is another matter."

Luka felt his stomach tighten. He knew this was coming, but hearing it out loud made it real in a way he couldn’t ignore. His congenital heart disease, something that had been a part of him since birth, had only worsened with age. The irregularities in his heart rhythm were becoming harder to control, even with the treatments he was on.

Dr. Kim’s gaze softened as she continued, her voice quieter now. "Luka, your condition requires closer monitoring. We need to adjust your treatment plan- this is something we can manage, but only if you take it seriously. Your current lifestyle isn't making it any easier."

He looked away, his fingers absently tapping against the fabric of his pants. He didn’t need to hear this. He didn’t need someone else telling him he was too much of a risk to his health. It was already in his head, every day, every performance, every moment on stage.

"How bad is it?" Luka asked, his voice low.

Dr. Kim hesitated, then answered, "Your heart isn’t strong enough for this kind of pressure, Luka. I can’t stress this enough- stress, late nights, pushing your body too far- you are gambling right now. If you don’t reduce your workload and take better care of yourself, you could face some serious complications down the road. You know this already."

Luka exhaled sharply, frustration bubbling beneath his calm demeanour. "I don’t have time to slow down," he muttered, more to himself than to Dr. Kim. "I’m an idol. The schedule is packed. I can’t just disappear for months to recover."

"I understand," she said gently, but her words didn’t soften the sharpness of the reality. "But you need to understand that your health is non-negotiable. Your body can only take so much."

She flipped to a specific page on her clipboard and handed it to him. On it were detailed instructions. “We’ll need to make some lifestyle changes immediately. First, no strenuous cardio- your heart can’t handle the strain. Second, avoid sugary foods and drinks, they cause spikes in your heart rate, which we can’t afford. And finally, I’m prescribing a wearable heart monitor.”

“A what?” Luka asked, a frown creasing his brow.

Dr. Kim walked over to a nearby cabinet and pulled out a sleek, lightweight device. “This monitor will track your heart rate throughout the day. If it detects irregularities- like if your heart rate spikes dangerously, it will emit a warning beep. You’ll need to stop whatever you’re doing immediately and rest. It’s non-negotiable, Luka.”

He stared at the device, his throat tightening. The idea of being tethered to something like this felt humiliating- a constant reminder of his limitations. But he knew arguing was pointless.

“I’m supposed to wear this all the time?” he asked, his voice tinged with frustration.

“Yes,” Dr. Kim replied firmly. “Your heart needs this level of monitoring. If the device warns you, Luka, it means you’re pushing too far. Ignoring it could have severe consequences.”

Luka sat back, staring at the floor. He wasn’t angry, but the melancholy in his chest was unmistakable. He had spent so much of his life buried in the chaos of his career, constantly performing, constantly chasing something- what, exactly, he wasn’t sure anymore. But it was all a way to run from something deeper, something he didn’t know how to face.

"You’ve been pushing yourself too hard," Dr. Kim continued, her tone softening. "Luka, you have to take care of yourself. If not for you, then for the people who care about you."

The mention of others hit him like a physical blow. He thought of Hyuna, of the strained years since he left the orphanage, of her distant rejection when she had grown tired of his attempts at redemption. His need to fix things, to reconcile the broken pieces of his past, had only made him more exhausted.

"I’m doing the best I can," he said quietly, the words leaving his mouth with more conviction than he felt. "I’ll manage. I always do."

Dr. Kim didn’t say anything for a long moment, simply watching him with a gaze that spoke volumes. She could see through his facade, but there was nothing more she could do.

"Just promise me you’ll take it easy," she said finally, her voice gentle but firm. "The stress will catch up to you if you don’t start taking better care of yourself."

Luka didn’t respond immediately. He wasn’t sure what to say. Instead, he nodded stiffly, offering a forced smile.

"I will."

Putting the device on was easier than he had expected, but an uncomfortable awareness lingered, like the sudden realization of wearing socks- a sensation that, once noticed, became impossible to ignore.

As Luka left the clinic, the cold air hit him, the bustling noise of the city overwhelming his senses. He didn’t feel any better after the conversation- if anything, he felt more suffocated by the weight of his own reality. His heart ached not just from the condition he had to live with but from the isolation that came with it. He was always surrounded by people, but never truly seen.

He glanced down at his phone as a message from his manager popped up, reminding him of his packed schedule. A familiar knot tightened in his chest, and Luka felt a deep, stabbing weariness set in. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it up.

But there was no going back now. He had built a life around this identity- his relentless, tireless version of himself- and there was no space for weakness.

He could not lose control.

He turned a corner, stepping into a quieter alleyway where the noise of the city softened into a distant hum. His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out reluctantly. Another message from his manager.

 

manager-nim

Don’t forget, you have the magazine shoot at 15:00, followed by rehearsals. Let me know if you need anything adjusted.

12:21

 

Luka sighed, his thumb hovering over the reply button. He wanted to say, "Cancel it all," but instead, he typed out a quick acknowledgment and shoved the phone back into his pocket. There was no point in fighting it. The schedule didn’t stop for anyone, not even him.

As he walked, Luka’s mind lingered on Dr. Kim’s words. “Your health is non-negotiable.” It felt like a cruel joke. His whole life had been built on the exact opposite- his worth was always measured by what he could give, not what he needed. The agency saw him as a product, his adoptive father as a trophy, and the public as a performer who owed them everything. Even the fans who screamed his name didn’t see Luka, only the polished version they adored. The idea of something in his life being "non-negotiable" felt foreign, almost laughable. He had grown so used to being pushed aside, his needs ignored, that the thought of anyone truly prioritizing him felt more like an empty promise than a reality.

What had he really built all these years? A career that left him hollow and alone? A name that strangers chanted but no one truly knew?

A memory surfaced, unbidden. Hyuna’s laughter, bright and unguarded, as they played in the garden behind the orphanage. She had always been the brave one, dragging him along on her wild adventures, her confidence a stark contrast to his hesitation. He could almost hear her voice in his head, teasing him for being too careful, too cautious.

Maybe Dr. Kim was right. Maybe he needed to stop running, stop pretending he could outrun the things that haunted him. But how? How could he stop when the world kept pushing him forward, demanding more and more until there was nothing left to give?

He didn’t have an answer.

His phone buzzed again, this time with a call from his manager. He answered and held it towards his ear- his manager spoke without any greeting.

“Luka, we’ve got a last-minute adjustment to your schedule,” his manager said. “You’ll need to perform at the Unsha Foundation’s charity gala tonight. Big crowd, lots of VIPs. The chairman himself personally requested you.”

Luka’s jaw clenched. The Unsha Foundation was a name he knew well. It was one of the biggest companies in Korea, known for its wealth and power. Its chairman, Eun Ha, had always been in the background of Luka’s career. His agency depended on Unsha’s sponsorships for its major projects, and Luka’s adoptive father had drilled into him how important that connection was.

“Of course he did,” Luka muttered under his breath, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “What time?”

“7pm sharp. Black tie. And Luka,” the manager added, her voice softening, “it’s important. Don’t mess this up.”

As if I ever do, Luka thought bitterly. He hung up without responding, his mood souring as he imagined the night ahead: bright lights, empty compliments, and another performance that would leave him more exhausted than fulfilled.

-

The golden glow of the chandeliers, the murmurs of polished conversations, the endless clinking of glasses… all of it pressed down on Ivan like an unbearable weight, digging into his shoulders. His usual mask -the composed, perfect heir of Unsha, was slipping, and he could feel the cracks forming. Irritation rose up beneath his usual, calm form, not just from the night’s suffocating expectations but from the chaos that had been brewing inside him for months.

Till. His father. Everything in between. It all created a knot together in his mind, a relentless mockery of things he couldn’t untangle. He couldn’t get Till’s expression from that moment in the music room out of his mind. It was vivid. And the inability to control his feelings whenever he thought of that moment, was just as vivid. 

He should have kissed him more. Right there, right then. But he hadn’t. And now, it felt as though he couldn’t have enough of Till. He was not satisfied by just a kiss and a slight view of his body- he wanted more. He needed more. He wanted to be by Till's side every moment he was alive- Though instead, he was here, surrounded by too many people, all effortlessly commanding attention. He couldn’t afford to falter, couldn’t let his carefully crafted mask shatter. Not tonight. Not ever.

He needed air.

Ivan excused himself quietly, slipping through the side door of the grand hall and out into the garden. The cold night air hit him, clearing the fog in his mind just enough for him to breathe. The garden was well maintained, the paths lit by soft, warm garden lights that guided his steps deeper into its quiet corners. Away from the noise, the tension in his shoulders began to ease.

But as he turned a corner, he stopped.

Luka was there, crouched low near one of the garden benches. The idol’s white suit stood out among the shadows, but the faint glow of a cigarette in his hand caught Ivan’s eye. Or, rather, the lack of glow- it was unlit, and Luka was struggling with the lighter in his other hand.

The wind wasn’t helping, but neither were his hands, which shook visibly as he tried to steady the flame. Ivan’s gaze dropped to Luka’s fingers, noticing the blue tint at the tips, stark against his pale skin.

For a moment, Ivan considered walking away, leaving Luka to his struggles. But something about the scene rooted him in place. This wasn’t the Luka the world knew- the polished performer, the idol with the perfect smile. He felt intrigued. 

The lighter clicked uselessly again, and Luka let out a frustrated sigh, lowering his hands. “Damn wind,” he muttered under his breath, his voice low but hinted with exhaustion.

“You shouldn’t be smoking,” Ivan said, stepping forward.

Luka’s head snapped up, pale yellow eyes narrowing briefly before recognition flickered across his face. He straightened slowly, slipping the cigarette into his pocket with a smooth, practiced motion. A faint smile tugged at his lips- polished and distant, the kind of smile that revealed nothing. “And you shouldn’t be sneaking around gardens at night, but here we are.”

Ivan ignored the response, his focus still on Luka’s hands. “Your fingers- are they always like that?”

Luka tilted his head, his expression unreadable. “Yeah,” he said flatly, holding up his hands and flexing his fingers as if to demonstrate. “Circulation issues. Congenital heart disease. Nothing exciting. It’s what the doctors love to remind me about.” He shrugged, the movement casual and detached, as though he were discussing the weather.

Ivan didn’t respond immediately, his eyes lingering on Luka’s fingers. Luka let out a soft laugh- calculated, as though he were following a script. “Don’t look at me like that, Ha. It’s not some tragic sob story. Just another detail they keep off the headlines. Can we move on now?”

“You should take care of yourself,” Ivan said softly, the words sounding more rehearsed than sincere, though Luka barely seemed to care.

“Thanks for the concern, Dr. Ha,” Luka replied, his smile sharpening into something that didn’t reach his eyes. “Now go back inside before someone notices the golden boy of Unsha is missing. Wouldn’t want your perfect image cracking any more than it already has.”

Ivan didn’t move. Instead, he walked over to the bench and sat down beside Luka, surprising them both. Luka’s faint smirk twitched, though it was still impossible to tell if it was genuine or another part of the mask. He glanced at Ivan, his eyes scanning him like he was sizing him up. “What are you doing?”

Ivan didn’t answer immediately, his gaze focused on the faintly lit garden path. Finally, he spoke, “Give me one.”

Luka blinked. “One what?”

“A cigarette,” Ivan replied, turning to meet Luka’s unimpressed stare. “In exchange for not telling anyone you smoke.”

Luka tilted his head, the smirk widening. “Blackmail? Didn’t think you had it in you, Ha.”

Ivan shrugged. “Think of it as an investment. I don’t say anything, and you keep your image intact.”

For a moment, Luka said nothing, his yellow eyes narrowing slightly. Then he let out a soft sigh, reaching into his pocket. “You’re ridiculous,” he muttered, pulling out the pack. He handed one to Ivan, along with the lighter. “Here. Knock yourself out.”

Ivan accepted it without hesitation, lighting the cigarette with surprising ease. The soft glow illuminated his face briefly, and Luka’s gaze lingered just a moment too long. Ivan seemed calm, like sitting in the cold garden smoking with Luka was the most natural thing in the world.

“You don’t care if I smoke?” Ivan asked, exhaling a thin trail of smoke into the night air.

“Why would I?” Luka replied, leaning back against the bench. “It’s your lungs. Do whatever you want.”

Ivan exhaled slowly, the smoke curling into the cold night air before vanishing into the darkness. For a moment, neither of them spoke. The distant sound of the gala and the rustling of the garden leaves filled the silence.

“You’re taking this pretty casually,” Ivan said finally, breaking the quiet.

Luka glanced at him. “Taking what casually?”

“This,” Ivan gestured between them with the cigarette. “The garden. The smoking. Me sitting here and blackmailing you.”

Luka snorted softly, flicking at the edge of his unlit cigarette. “You’re not much of a blackmailer, Ha. If you were serious, you’d have made a bigger deal out of it.”

Ivan frowned. “I could still say something.”

Luka’s lips twitched into the faintest of smirks. “Go ahead. Let’s see if anyone cares.” He leaned back against the bench, stretching his legs out as if he was settling in for a nap. “But if you’re planning to lecture me again, let me save you the trouble, I’ve heard it all before.”

Ivan studied him for a moment, trying to decide if Luka was genuinely this unbothered or just incredibly skilled at faking it. Unlike Till, who was unpredictable in ways that kept Ivan on edge, Luka was carefully constructed. Everything about him seemed deliberate- calculated, even. He knew all the right moves, all the subtle tricks to make himself liked, to keep people interested without revealing anything real. It was the kind of charisma that felt effortless but was undoubtedly rehearsed, polished to perfection over years of performing, both on stage and off. Ivan didn’t understand him, but he wasn’t hard to predict, like an overused plot.

“You go to Anakt Academy, right?” Luka asked suddenly, his tone light, almost casual.

Ivan blinked, caught off guard by the question. “Yeah… why?”

Luka shrugged lazily, tapping the unlit cigarette against his palm. “No reason. Just heard the name somewhere. Thought it sounded familiar.”

Ivan narrowed his eyes. “That’s not exactly an answer.”

“Do you know a Mizi or a Till?” Luka asked, completely ignoring Ivan’s suspicion. His tone was almost too casual, as though the question had just popped into his head.

Ivan hesitated. “I do. Why?”

Luka shrugged again, leaning back even further on the bench. “No reason. Just curious.”

Ivan frowned. “You don’t strike me as someone who asks questions without a reason.”

Luka chuckled, the sound low and careless. “Maybe I’m just bored.”

Ivan’s grip on the cigarette tightened slightly, but he forced his voice to remain calm. “What’s your connection to them?”

Luka tilted his head, glancing at Ivan out of the corner of his eye. “You think I’d tell you if I had one?”

The remark was delivered so casually it was almost infuriating. Ivan resisted the urge to press further, knowing he’d get nothing out of Luka if he didn’t want to share. Instead, he inhaled another breath from the cigarette, letting the smoke fill the silence between them.

“Small world, huh?” Luka said after a while, his gaze drifting back toward the shadows of the garden.

Ivan couldn’t help but feel there was more to it, but Luka’s calm, indifferent behaviour gave him nothing to hold onto. “Yeah,” he replied flatly. “Small world.”

Luka smiled faintly, the expression so casual it almost felt dismissive. “Funny how that works.”

They sat in silence again, the tension Ivan felt contrasting with Luka’s ease. Whatever Luka’s interest in Mizi and Till was, he clearly wasn’t in a hurry to explain it. Ivan could feel the questions building inside him, but Luka’s attitude made it clear he’d share nothing unless he felt like it.

And from the look on his face, Luka didn’t feel like it at all.

Chapter 31: competition

Summary:

Mizi didn’t respond. Instead, she grabbed the hem of her oversized hoodie and yanked it off in one smooth motion, revealing a simple T-shirt underneath. But it wasn’t the shirt that she was trying to show off- it was the bundle of faint purplish marks on her neck, a bunch of hickeys.

Hyuna’s eyes widened, then a grin spread across her face. “Oh my,” she said, her tone dripping with teasing delight. “Mizi, you didn’t!”

The late afternoon sun came through Sua’s curtains, casting soft, warm light across her neatly kept room. The golden hour.

The tick-tock sound of the clock by Sua’s side table filled the silence, blending with the occasional melody of a song Mizi had been humming. She sat cross legged on Sua’s bed, hugging a pillow against her chest. Her face was scrunched up, and she looked like she was deep in thought- no, more like she was sulking.

Sua sat on the floor by her small desk, her laptop open on her lap, looking at real estate. She glanced over her shoulder at Mizi, who hadn’t said much besides humming since she got there, which was unusual.

“You’ve been quiet,” Sua said. “What’s wrong?”

Mizi hesitated, staring down at the pillow in her arms. “Nothing.”

Sua raised her eyebrows. “You’re acting like Till now. You wouldn’t act like this if it was nothing, Mizi. What’s wrong?” she asked kindly, turning her upper body towards her.

Mizi sighed loudly, flopping back onto the bed. She stared at the ceiling, her face a mix of frustration and embarrassment. “It’s stupid.”

Sua set her laptop aside and scooted closer to the bed, resting her arms on the edge. “If it’s bothering you, it’s not stupid. Come on, just tell me.”

Mizi bit her bottom lip, her cheeks turning red. “You’ll laugh.”

Sua shook her head. “I won’t. Promise.”

Mizi groaned, pulling the pillow over her face. “It’s Till.”

Sua blinked, pouting a little. “Till? What about him?”

Mizi peeked out from behind the pillow, her voice muffled. “He came home wearing Ivan’s turtleneck yesterday.”

Sua frowned slightly, confused. “Okay…”

“And,” Mizi continued, sitting up now, her face completely red, “he had hickeys on his neck. Like, really red ones. From Ivan.”

Sua blinked again, surprised by how fast they proceeded since Till’s crisis, and wondering where Mizi was going with this. “And…?”

“And it’s not fair!” Mizi burst out, throwing the pillow onto the bed. She looked at Sua, her expression somewhere between annoyed and embarrassed. “I got so jealous when I saw them.”

Sua tilted her head, her eyebrows getting closer to each other. “Jealous? Of… Till?”

“No!” Mizi said quickly, waving her hands. “Not of him. Just… jealous. Because I want… I don’t know. I want that.”

Sua froze, her heart skipping a beat. She didn’t say anything, but her chest felt tight as she stared at Mizi, waiting for her to continue.

Mizi hesitated, fidgeting with the hem of her sweater. “I… I want that with you, Sua. I want to do more than just kiss you.”

The words hung in the air, and Sua felt her cheeks heat up. “You… you do?”

Mizi nodded, looking anywhere but at her. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it for- a while, actually. And seeing Till like that just made me realize how much I want to be closer to you. Like… not just kissing. More.”

Sua didn’t respond right away. She sat back a little, her mind racing. Mizi’s words were straightforward, but they had so much more unspoken.

What was… more? Making out? Sex? What did Mizi want?

Just the thought was enough to paint Sua’s cheeks a shade of pink.

“Mizi,” Sua finally said, her voice soft. “You’ve… really thought about this?”

Mizi nodded again, reaching for the pillow again to hide her face from the embarrassment. “Yeah. I know it’s a lot, but I didn’t know how else to tell you. I just… I wanted to be honest. I can’t… hold it in anymore.”

Sua bit on her inner cheeks, feeling a strange sensation of her nerves and the warmth inside her chest. She reached out, her hand brushing against Mizi’s. “You could’ve just said it,” she said, her voice light but steady. “I don’t think it’s weird.”

Mizi’s eyes widened slightly, her grip on the pillow loosening. “You don’t?”

Sua smiled, her fingers curling lightly around Mizi’s hand. “Yeah. I mean… it’s you. I want to be close to you too. But it’s okay to take our time, you know?”

Mizi let out a nervous laugh, her shoulders relaxing. “I was so… scared you’d think I was a pervert- or weird.”

“You’re always weird,” Sua teased, her smile softening. She landed a small kiss on her hand. “But I like that about you.”

Mizi laughed for real this time, the tension in the room lifting. She leaned into Sua’s side, folding her fingers around Sua’s. “Thanks for not freaking out.”

Sua rested her head against Mizi’s. “You’re welcome. But, uh… let’s not get ideas from Till and Ivan, okay? They’re a disaster.”

Mizi grinned, her cheeks still pink. “Deal.”

-

The small living room in Hyuna’s apartment was as cozy as ever. There was a faint smell of instant ramen in the air, and the TV played an old drama none of them were really paying attention to. Hyuna sat on one corner of the couch, a glass of soju in her hand, while Till leaned against the armrest on the other corner, scrolling lazily through his phone. He still wore the black turtleneck, which caught Hyuna’s attention more than once- it wasn’t his usual style.

Mizi had laid on the floor with her legs stretched out, a cushion underneath her head. She was wearing an oversized hoodie that made her frame look smaller. 

What caught Hyuna’s attention was that, Mizi looked oddly proud of herself, a grin teasing at her lips as she glanced at Till, then at Hyuna.

“Alright, what’s up with you?” Hyuna finally asked, narrowing her eyes at Mizi. “You’ve been smiling like you’ve got a secret you’re dying to spill.”

Mizi sat up suddenly, grinning wider now. “Oh, nothing much,” she said casually, standing up to stretch. “It’s just been a good week, you know?”

Till glanced at her, unimpressed. “You’re way too smug about something. Just spit it out.”

Mizi didn’t respond. Instead, she grabbed the hem of her oversized hoodie and yanked it off in one smooth motion, revealing a simple T-shirt underneath. But it wasn’t the shirt that she was trying to show off- it was the bundle of faint purplish marks on her neck, a bunch of hickeys.

Hyuna’s eyes widened, then a grin spread across her face. “Oh my,” she said, her tone dripping with teasing delight. “Mizi, you didn’t!”

Mizi gave her a cute look as she fixed her glasses, throwing her hoodie onto the couch. “Oh, I did,” she said, tilting her head proudly so the marks were even more obvious. “What do you think?”

Till choked on nothing, quickly looking away with an awkward cough. “Fuck, Mizi, put your hoodie back on.”

“Why?” Mizi teased, her grin growing. “You’re just jealous.”

“Yeah, I’m not,” Till muttered, still avoiding looking directly at her.

Hyuna, on the other hand, was loving every second of it. “Finally!” she exclaimed, raising her glass as if to toast. “You’ve been whining about wanting to do more with Sua for weeks. I was starting to think you’d never get past that awkward hand holding and kisses.”

Mizi laughed, dropping back down on the floor, now sitting on the cushion she was previously resting her head on. “I know, right? It was about time.”

“So,” Hyuna leaned forward, her grin turning mischievous. “How’d it happen? Spill.”

Mizi’s cheeks flushed slightly, but she looked far too pleased to be embarrassed. “Well,” she started, “I saw Till the other day, and he was wearing this stupid turtleneck, right?”

“It’s not stupid,” Till interrupted, frowning. “It’s practical.”

“Whatever,” Mizi said, waving him off. “The point is, I saw the marks on his neck-”

“What marks?” Hyuna cut in, looking between them with a confused expression.

Mizi blinked, then pointed at Till. “You know, the hickeys.”

Hyuna froze, her eyes narrowing as she turned to Till. “Wait. Back up. Hickeys? On Till? From who?”

Till’s face turned bright red as he tugged at the collar of the turtleneck, trying to hide even more of his neck. “It’s not what you think.”

“Oh, it seems to be exactly what I think,” Hyuna said, her grin turning wicked. “Till, who gave you hickeys? Was it Ivan?”

Till groaned, burying his face to his phone. “Can we not do this?”

Mizi snorted, clearly enjoying the shift in Hyuna’s focus. “Oh, come on, Till. You thought you could just wear that turtleneck and it would go unnoticed?”

Hyuna laughed, leaning back on the couch. “This is gold. I knew there was something going on with you two. I just didn’t think you’d let him get this far.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “So… was it good?”

“Hyuna!” Till snapped, his voice muffled underneath his phone. “I’m not talking about this.”

“Why not?” Mizi teased, smirking. “I told you about mine.”

“That’s different!” Till protested, finally lowering his phone to glare at her. “You’re proud of it. I’m-”

“Embarrassed?” Hyuna offered, her grin widening. “Confused? Mortified?”

“All of the above,” Till muttered, tugging the collar of the turtleneck higher again.

Hyuna laughed so hard she almost spilled her drink. “Oh, this is the best thing that’s happened all week. Mizi, you’ve got competition. Till’s out here having about to get his dick sucked off while you’re still bragging about first base.”

“Hey!” Mizi protested, ignoring the groan from Till. “I’ll have you know we’re way past first base now.”

“Sure, sure,” Hyuna said, waving her off. She turned back to Till. “But seriously, Till. You and Ivan? I need details.”

“No, you don’t,” Till said firmly, crossing his arms. “And I’m not giving you any.”

Hyuna leaned closer, her grin almost predatory. “You know that just makes me want to know more, right?”

Till groaned again, slumping his head back against the armrest. “Why do I hang out with you two?”

“Because you love us,” Mizi said sweetly, her smile as wide as Hyuna’s.

“Yeah,” Till muttered, rolling his eyes. “Sure. Let’s go with that instead of the whole history of my orphan-ism and you guys being the only two people that somehow stayed around.”

Hyuna raised her glass again, smirking. “To Till and his turtleneck of shame.”

Mizi clinked an imaginary glass against hers, laughing as Till buried his face in his hands once more.

“Can we talk about literally anything else now?” Till asked, his voice muffled.

But the teasing didn’t stop.

“Seriously, Till,” Hyuna said, swirling the soju in her glass with a grin. “You’re just gonna leave us hanging like that? C’mon. Did he, like, take you out to dinner first, or was it straight to the good stuff?”

“Yeah, come on,” Mizi said, her oversized hoodie was now in her lap, but her smug grin was the only thing Till could focus on. “Was it hot and heavy? Or, like… slow and romantic?”

Till glared at her from across the couch, his ears turning red. “I’m not talking about this with you two.”

Hyuna leaned forward. “Why not? We’re practically family. It’s not like you can keep secrets from us anyway.”

“Exactly,” Mizi added, tapping her chin as if she was deep in thought. “Let me guess. Ivan probably gave you that intense stare of his, leaned in all slow, and- boom. You were toast.”

“Fucking hell, can you not?” Till muttered, pulling his turtleneck up higher to hide his neck. “It wasn’t like that.”

Hyuna snorted, nearly choking on her drink. “Oh, it was definitely good. Look at Till’s face. He’s turning red just thinking about it.”

“I’m not-” Till started, but the way his voice cracked didn’t help his case. “Can we talk about something else? Literally anything else?”

“Nope,” Hyuna said, settling back into the couch like she was ready for a full story. “We’ve been waiting for this moment for weeks, and had to sit through your existential crisis countless tomes. And then- Do you know how long I’ve had to listen to Mizi whining about wanting to go past kissing with Sua? And here you are, jumping straight to hickeys.”

“Exactly!” Mizi chimed in, throwing her hands up. “I had to wait a full month to get pass kissing- And I’ve known Sua for two years! Ugh…”

Till sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I hate both of you.”

“No, you don’t,” Mizi said, grinning. “Now, be honest. Was he the one who started it? Or did you finally make a move?”

“God, Mizi, stop!” Till spoke loudly, his face burning.

“I bet Ivan started it,” Hyuna said, her voice dropping into a teasing tone. “He’s got that whole ‘smooth but intense’ thing going on. Probably backed you into a corner, didn’t he?”

Till froze, his hand halfway to his phone. That was… uncomfortably close to what had happened.

Hyuna’s eyes widened as she caught the look on his face. “Oh my god, he did! He totally cornered you, didn’t he? Till, did he pin you to the wall or something?”

“Stop talking!” Till practically yelled, burying his face in his hands.

Mizi cackled, leaning back onto the floor. “This is too good. Did you moan? I bet you did. I can’t believe you’re out here living a whole romance movie while I’m stuck playing board games with Sua.”

“You’re disgusting,” Till muttered, his voice muffled by his hands.

“Honestly, I’m impressed. I didn’t think you had it in you.” Hyuna said, laughing as she raised her glass.

Till peeked out from behind his hands, glaring at her. “I didn’t do anything. It just… happened.”

Hyuna grinned, setting her glass down. “Sure, sure. “It just happened.” That’s what everyone says before they end up in bed with someone.”

“I’m leaving,” Till announced, standing up abruptly. He grabbed his jacket from the back of the couch and started pulling it on.

“What? Where are you going?” Mizi asked, sitting up quickly. “We’re not done making fun of you yet!”

“To Ivan’s,” Till said shortly, zipping up his jacket. “We’re working on the song.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow, a slow grin spreading across her face. “The song, huh? Is that what we’re calling it now?”

Till shot her a glare. “It’s literally a song, Hyuna. Don’t be gross.”

“I’m just saying,” Hyuna teased, leaning back on the couch. “Late night date with Ivan? Sounds a lot like foreplay to me.”

Mizi snorted, pressing her hand again her mouth to hold her laughter. “Yeah, Till. Don’t forget to hydrate- and pee afterwards! We don’t need you getting a UTI.”

Till groaned, shoving his hands into his pockets. “You two are the worst.”

“And you love us,” Hyuna said for the second time, waving him off. “Now go on, lover boy. Say hi to Ivan for us.”

“Use protection!” Mizi called after him, laughing as Till slammed the door behind him without another word.

Hyuna turned to Mizi, her grin still firmly in place. “I give it a week before they’re officially dating.”

Mizi laughed, shaking her head. “You’re too generous. I say three days.”

Hyuna settled back on the couch, her laughter slowly fading away. She stretched her legs across the armrest, where Till was previously seated as she looked down at Mizi, who was still sitting on the floor, playing with the strings of her hoodie.

“Alright, Mizi,” Hyuna said, smirking. “Since Till’s run off to his boyfriend, let’s talk about you and Sua. How’s that going?”

Mizi immediately flushed, the smugness she’d worn earlier replaced by a shy grin. “It’s… going good,” she said, her voice quieter than usual. “Really, really good, actually.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed with the vague response. “Good? That’s all I get? C’mon, you were just showing off your hickeys five minutes ago. I need details.”

Mizi laughed, leaning back onto the floor. “Why are you like this?”

“Because I’m curious!” Hyuna shot back, leaning forward like she was ready to dig for gossip. “You’ve been whining about wanting to do more with Sua for the past two weeks. And now, here you are, all marked up like a piece of art. Don’t hold out on me.”

Mizi laughed nervously, her fingers brushing the faint marks on her neck. “Fine, fine. But you can’t make fun of me.”

“No promises,” Hyuna said, grinning. “Now spill.”

Mizi hesitated for a moment, chewing on her lip. “Okay, so… you remember how I told you I was kind of jealous of Till’s hickeys?”

Hyuna nodded.

“Well,” Mizi muttered, her cheeks growing redder. “That got me thinking, you know? Like, why hasn’t Sua and I… you know, done more?”

“Because you’re a coward,” Hyuna said bluntly, taking another sip of soju.

Mizi threw a cushion at her, which Hyuna caught with a laugh. “Not helping!” Mizi said, pouting. “Anyways, I decided I wasn’t going to just sit around anymore. So, I… might’ve brought it up.”

Hyuna’s eyebrows rose up. “Oh? Look at you, taking the lead! What’d you say?”

Mizi buried her face in her hands. “I told her I wanted to, uh… move past kissing.”

Hyuna cackled, slapping her thigh. “You actually said that? Just like that?”

“No!” Mizi protested, peeking out from between her fingers. “It was more… subtle. I think.”

Hyuna smirked, clearly not buying it. “Uh-huh. And what did Sua say?”

Mizi’s face softened, a small smile tugging at her lips. “She just… smiled at me, you know? That really soft smile she does, like she’s trying not to laugh. And then she said she wanted to be close to me too.’”

Hyuna let out a loud laugh, nearly spilling her drink. “Fuck, Mizi, you guys are so cute together.”

Mizi groaned, covering her face again. “I thought I was being all brave and forward, and she was just… already ahead of me.”

Hyuna shook her head, grinning. “So, what happened next? Clearly, it went well, considering your neck looks like a crime scene.”

Mizi’s cheeks turned a deep red. “She, uh… kissed me. And then it just kind of… happened.”

Hyuna leaned forward, her grin turning sly. “Define it. How far are we talking here? Second base? Third? Home run?”

“Hyuna!” Mizi whined, throwing yet another cushion at her. “I’m not giving you a play-by-play.”

“Why not? Till ran off before I could get his,” Hyuna teased, dodging the cushion. “Come on, I’m living vicariously here. Don’t leave me hanging.”

Mizi sighed, her face still bright red. “Fine. Let’s just say… it was more than just kissing. I am still a virgin, though.”

Hyuna’s grin widened. “Oh ho, look at you, finally catching up. So, was it everything you imagined? Better?”

Mizi hesitated, then smiled softly. “It was better. She was so… cute, you know? Like, she wasn’t rushing anything, moving with our own pace. She just… made me feel safe.”

Hyuna’s teasing expression softened slightly at that. “That’s good,” she said, her tone more sincere. “You deserve that.”

Mizi nodded, her smile growing. “Yeah. I think I got lucky with her.”

Hyuna chuckled, raising her glass in a mock toast. “Here’s to Mizi, finally getting her shit together.”

Mizi laughed, clinking her imaginary glass against Hyuna’s once again. “Thanks, Hyuna.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a moment before Hyuna smirked again. “So, when’s the next step? You planning to… you know.”

Mizi choked on her laughter, but she was out of cushions to throw- so she threw her hoodie instead. “Oh my god, stop!”

Hyuna just took it this time, grinning. “Hey, I’m just saying! You’ve got the momentum now. Don’t lose it.”

-

The sound of Till’s guitar filled Ivan’s room, the notes uneven as he tried out different chords. Ivan laid on his bed, watching Till with a pout that grew deeper every time Till ignored him.

“Did you really just come here to work on the song?” Ivan finally asked, breaking the silence.

“Uh, yeah,” Till replied, not looking up. His fingers continued to pick at the strings. “That’s why I’m here.”

Ivan sat up, his lips pushing into an exaggerated pout. “You didn’t even say ‘hi’ properly when you came in. Just barged in, grabbed the guitar, and started working.”

Till snorted, glancing at him. “What do you want, a hug and a kiss? I’m here, aren’t I?”

Ivan grinned, tilting his head. “Well, a kiss wouldn’t hurt.”

Till rolled his eyes, his cheeks flushing faintly as he muttered, “You’re such a… ugh!”

“Seriously, though,” Ivan continued, leaning forward now, his elbows resting on his knees. “You didn’t even seem happy to see me. I’m starting to think you’re only using me for my guitar.”

Till looked up then, raising an eyebrow. “You mean the guitar you bought specifically so I’d have one here? That guitar?”

Ivan shrugged. “Details.”

“Fuck, you’re like a child,” Till muttered, shaking his head as he adjusted his grip on the guitar. “And we have, like, twenty days before the showcase, so yeah, I’m gonna focus on the song.”

Ivan’s grin faded slightly, replaced with a more still expression. “You’re stressing about it too much, you know. It’s gonna be great.”

“I don’t want it to just be great,” Till said, setting the guitar down and leaning back against his chair. “I want it to be… good, you know? Really good. Not just okay.”

“It will be,” Ivan said confidently, standing up and walking over to sit on the edge of the desk Till was working at. “You’re putting so much into it. I can tell.”

Till gave a small, almost shy shrug. “Yeah, well… it’s important.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Till suddenly looked up. “Your birthday’s coming up. What do you want?”

Ivan blinked, caught off guard. “What?”

“Your birthday,” Till repeated, his tone casual. “It’s in a couple weeks. What do you want?”

Ivan leaned back slightly, crossing his arms. “I don’t really care about that stuff.”

“Don’t care?” Till repeated flatly, narrowing his eyes. “Okay, but I do. So, what do you want?”

Ivan smirked, the teasing glint returning to his eyes. “You’re really gonna make a big deal out of it?”

“Yes,” Till said simply, carefully shifting the guitar away from his lap. “So, what do you want? And don’t say nothing.”

Ivan tilted his head, pretending to think. “Hmm… I could use another kiss. Or maybe let me suck-”

“Not happening,” Till cut in, his face turning pink. “Be serious.”

Ivan laughed, leaning closer. “I’m always serious.”

Till groaned, leaning back and rubbing a hand over his face. “Fine. If you’re not gonna tell me, I’ll figure something out myself.”

Ivan’s teasing smile softened as he looked at Till. “You don’t have to do anything, you know. Just being here is enough.”

Till blinked, caught off guard by the sincerity in Ivan’s voice. He looked down at the guitar he had just put by his side. “Yeah, well,” he muttered, “I want to. So, think about it.”

Chapter 32: adjusments

Summary:

Till’s grip on Ivan’s collar tightened, his frustration pouring out in every movement. He kissed like he had something to prove, his teeth grazing Ivan’s lower lip one last time before he pulled back just enough to glare down at him.

“Happy now?” Till muttered, his voice breathless and dripping with irritation.

Ivan’s chest moved with heavy breaths as he stared up at Till, his smirk returning despite the flush on his cheeks. “Very,” he said, his voice low and slightly hoarse. “But you might need to try that again. I think you missed a spot.”

The restaurant was one of the fanciest, most expensive in the city, the kind of place where the waiters wore white gloves and the chandeliers glittered like stars. Ivan sat stiffly across from his father at their private table, the low background noise of the other patrons’ conversations blending with the soft hum of a live pianist in the background. His mother sat beside him, dabbing her lips with a napkin as she finished her glass of wine.

The table was set with way too many utensils for what Ivan thought anyone needed, and the food looked overly neat, like someone had spent hours arranging it just right. Ivan hadn’t touched his steak, the pink slices sitting untouched on his plate, while his father ate his meal in slow, precise bites.

“So,” his father began, setting his fork down neatly and folding his hands on the table, “your showcase is in mid February, isn’t it?”

Ivan nodded. “Yes. February 16th.”

His father nodded slowly, his sharp gaze meeting Ivan’s. “And this is for your… music class?”

Ivan’s jaw tightened, but he kept his voice calm. “Yes, I’m in the music department. It’s for school- a grade requirement.”

His mother finally looked up from the small mirror she had been using to reapply her lipstick. There was a faint smile on her lips. “You’ve been practicing for it, haven’t you? I imagine you’ll be performing something impressive.”

Ivan hesitated. “I’m working on it.”

His father hummed, his expression unreadable. “Well, if you’re serious about this… hobby of yours, I have a suggestion.”

Ivan tensed, his fork hovering over his plate. “What suggestion?”

“You’ve known Luka, don’t you?” his father asked, casually picking up his wine glass.

Ivan blinked, caught off guard. “Luka?”

“Yes,” his father said. “He’s a client of Unsha. Quite successful, from what I understand, and very familiar with the industry. If you’re planning to pursue this music thing, it wouldn’t hurt to have someone like him as a contact.”

Ivan’s grip on his fork tightened. “I’m not-” He took a deep breath. “I’m not planning to pursue anything.”

“Regardless,” his father continued, “I’ve arranged for him to attend the event. I’ll extend an invitation on your behalf. It’s a good opportunity to network.”

Ivan’s first instinct was to refuse. The idea of his father pulling strings for him made him feel like… he wasn’t worth anything by himself. The thought of having someone like Luka watching his performance felt intrusive. But then he remembered something- Luka had asked about Mizi and Till during their strange garden encounter at the charity gala. It had been brief, almost casual, but the memory stayed (mainly because of the mention of Till).

“Why Luka?” Ivan asked carefully, setting his fork down.

“He’s expressed interest in mentoring younger artists over the years,” his father replied. “I mentioned you were performing, and he seemed open to the idea.”

Ivan’s mother reached out, patting his hand lightly. “It’s a wonderful chance for you, darling. You should take it.”

Ivan hesitated, his mind spinning. He hated how calculated everything felt, like a chess piece being moved into place. But his curiosity took over his thoughts. What did Luka want? Why had he brought up Mizi and Till? How could he possibly know either one of them?

“Fine,” Ivan said finally, his voice even. “Invite him.”

His father nodded approvingly, raising his glass. “Good. I’ll take care of it.”

Ivan didn’t reply, staring down at his plate. The steak was still untouched, and the pianist’s soft melody suddenly felt far too loud.

-

The laptop screen glowed softly in the dimly lit room, casting blue light against Ivan’s pale skin. He sat cross legged on the floor, his back leaning against the edge of his bed. The MIDI controller he invested in for the sake of Till rested in front of him, its keys glowing faintly, while Till himself sat nearby with his guitar, fingers lightly plucking the strings in sync with the faint hum of the instrumental track playing on the speakers.

The faint beat of a drum machine pulsed through the room, layered with the melody Ivan had been working on earlier. The atmosphere was thick with focus, but the quiet closeness between them made it feel warmer than it should.

“Play that again,” Till said, pointing toward Ivan’s laptop with his head. He adjusted his grip on the guitar, tilting his head as he listened to the looping instrumental. His teal eyes narrowed in thought. “The drumline feels off in the pre-chorus. It needs to hit harder- something sharper to match the tension, like a heartbeat.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow, his fingers flying across the MIDI controller. “Like this?” he asked, hitting play.

The speakers responded with a sharper beat. Till tapped his fingers against the guitar body, testing the rhythm against the melody in his head.

“Yeah,” Till said slowly, nodding. “That’s better. But maybe make it like- ba-dum ba-dum, not dum-dum dum-dum. it’s drowning the buildup.”

“Demanding as always,” Ivan teased, but his tone was light as he adjusted the settings. He glanced at Till, catching the way the light reflected off his hair, how his brow furrowed slightly as he concentrated. “Better?”

Till leaned closer, his shoulder brushing against Ivan’s as he reached to turn up the volume. The subtle contact sent a flicker of warmth between them, and Ivan had to resist the urge to kiss his neck. “Yeah,” Till murmured. “That’s it. Keep it.”

Ivan turned his attention back to the laptop, his fingers moving lazily over the keys. “Alright, guitar’s next. Let’s get this perfect before you start nitpicking again.”

Till scoffed, adjusting the guitar over his lap. “It’s called having standards.”

“Sure,” Ivan said, leaning back with a grin. “Let’s see if your playing lives up to them.”

Till shot him a glare but didn’t rise to the bait. Instead, he adjusted the mic stand in front of him, his movements precise as he positioned himself. Ivan watched as Till settled into place, his fingers hovering over the fretboard.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Ivan said, his voice softer now. He hit the record button, and the room fell silent except for the hum of the speakers.

Till started playing. The notes were deliberate, each one carrying the weight of the song’s heavy tone. Ivan leaned forward slightly, watching Till’s hands as they moved over the strings. There was something intimate about the way Till played, like he was pouring every thought he ever had into the music.

The pre-chorus ended, and Till’s strumming shifted, the rhythm growing sharper, more urgent. Ivan’s chest tightened as he listened, the layers of the song coming together in a way that felt almost too personal.

When the final note faded into silence, Ivan let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Damn,” he said softly, his eyes locked on Till. “That was… yeah. That was it.”

Till lowered the guitar slightly, his lips pressing into a thin line as he listened to the playback. “It’s still missing something,” he muttered, more to himself than to Ivan.

Ivan leaned closer, their knees nearly touching. “Like what? It sounds incredible.”

Till shook his head, his fingers tapping against the guitar body. “After the final bridge. It needs more… depth. Like, maybe a counter melody under the main one.”

“Counter melody, huh?” Ivan smiled, his fingers already moving across the MIDI controller. He played a soft, melancholic melody over the final chorus, letting it blend into the existing track. “Something like this?”

Till tilted his head, his eyes narrowing as he listened. He hummed softly, then nodded. “Yeah. Add a little distortion, though. It needs to cut through.”

Ivan grinned, leaning closer until his shoulder bumped against Till’s. “You’re really picky, you know that?”

Till rolled his eyes but didn’t move away. “And you’re too smug for your own good.”

Ivan’s grin widened, his voice dropping slightly. “Maybe. But you don’t seem to mind.”

Till froze for a moment, his fingers stilling on the guitar. He glanced at Ivan, his cheeks faintly pink, but quickly looked away. “Focus, Ivan,” he muttered, his voice tight.

“I am focused,” Ivan said, but there was a teasing edge to his tone. He leaned back slightly, giving Till space but keeping his gaze on him. “You’re the one who’s distracted.”

“I’m not distracted,” Till snapped, adjusting the guitar in his lap as though that would shield him from Ivan’s gaze.

“Sure, you’re not,” Ivan teased, his voice dipping into a mock seriousness. “You’ve only stopped playing three times to glare at me.”

Till’s jaw tightened, and his teal eyes flashed. “You’re the one staring at me like a creep. Can’t focus with you looking at me like that.”

Ivan’s grin widened. “I’m admiring the artist. You look… intense when you’re working. It’s hot.”

Till’s fingers tightened on his guitar, his face turning a dark shade of red. “You’re- You’re-,” he muttered, his voice laced with frustration. “You’re such a fucking weirdo.”

“And you like it,” Ivan shot back, leaning forward until their knees touched again. “Admit it.”

Till’s head snapped up, his eyes narrowing as he glared at Ivan. “You’re such a fucking-” He broke off, huffing sharply as he stood abruptly, setting the guitar down with a little more force than necessary. “You know what? Maybe I should just finish this at Hyuna’s. At least she doesn’t-”

Ivan grabbed his wrist before he could move away. “Doesn’t what?” Ivan asked, his tone softer now but still had that teasing tone. “Make you blush like this?”

Till froze, his eyes flicking down to where Ivan’s hand held his wrist, then back up to meet Ivan’s gaze. “I’m not blushing,” he said aggressively, though his face betrayed him, the redness creeping down his neck.

Ivan straightened up slowly, still holding onto Till’s wrist as he closed the distance between them. “You are,” he said, his voice quieter now, the teasing replaced with... an arousing tone. “And it’s cute.”

Till tried to tug his wrist free, but Ivan didn’t let go. Instead, he came closer, the space between them shrinking until there was nowhere left for Till to look but at him. Ivan’s dark eyes were steady, his expression soft but confident, like he was daring Till to say something, to do something.

“You’re so full of yourself,” Till muttered, but his voice had lost its bite. 

“And you’re not,” Ivan replied, his grip on Till’s wrist loosening slightly but not letting go. “We make a good team.”

Till rolled his eyes, leaning in a bit closer. “Fucking idiot..”

Ivan smirked. “Maybe. But you’re still sitting here.”

Till opened his mouth to respond, but the words caught in his throat when Ivan stepped closer, their chests brushing. Ivan’s free hand reached up, his fingers lightly brushing a stray strand of hair away from Till’s forehead.

“Ivan,” Till muttered, his voice low and strained, “you’re such a pain in the ass.”

Ivan tilted his head slightly, his smirk unwavering. “Not yet, but I can be if you want.”

Till clenched his fists, the heat in his cheeks spreading to his ear. “You’re-” he started, but his words were cut off by the sound of Ivan’s quiet laugh. It wasn’t mocking, it was warm, teasing, and way too inviting.

“Come on, Till,” Ivan said softly. “Admit it. You like me.”

That was it. Something inside Till snapped.

With a frustrated growl, Till shoved Ivan hard, the force knocking the laptop off Ivan’s lap. It slid a short distance across the carpeted floor, the soft thud barely registering in Till’s mind as he was too taken over by emotions.

“Shit, Till-” Ivan started, but before he could say anything else, Till was on him.

Till climbed on top of Ivan, his knees pressing into the carpet on either side of Ivan’s hips. His hands gripped Ivan’s collar, and for a moment, Ivan thought Till might actually punch him. But instead, Till leaned down, closing the gap between them in a rough kiss, their teeth hitting each other which made Ivan groan.

Ivan froze for a split second, his brain scrambling to catch up, before he melted into the kiss. His hands found their way to Till’s waist, pulling him closer as Till’s lips moved against his with such force it left no room for hesitation.

Till’s grip on Ivan’s collar tightened, his frustration pouring out in every movement. He kissed like he had something to prove, his teeth grazing Ivan’s lower lip one last time before he pulled back just enough to glare down at him.

“Happy now?” Till muttered, his voice breathless and dripping with irritation.

Ivan’s chest moved with heavy breaths as he stared up at Till, his smirk returning despite the flush on his cheeks. “Very,” he said, his voice low and slightly hoarse. “But you might need to try that again. I think you missed a spot.”

Till’s eyes narrowed, his teal gaze sharp. “You’re too horny for your own good.” he growled, but instead of climbing off, he leaned down again, capturing Ivan’s lips in another kiss.

Ivan’s hands slid through Till’s (actually his) turtleneck, his fingers brushing over his spine. The heat between them was overwhelming, their breaths shared as the kiss deepened.  He was still trying to assert some kind of control, his lips pressing hard against Ivan’s, when Ivan decided to push things further.

Ivan pushed his head slightly and slid his tongue against Till’s bottom lip, testing, teasing. When Till didn’t immediately pull back, Ivan pressed forward, his tongue slipping into Till’s mouth. The unexpected attack made Till freeze for a second, his teal eyes widening in surprise.

“Ivan-” Till tried to speak, his voice muffled against Ivan’s lips, but Ivan didn’t let him finish. His hands tightened underneath the turtleneck, holding him steady as he deepened the kiss. It wasn’t just teasing anymore, it was hard, confident, and left Till with no room to protest.

Till’s surprise melted into something else- confusion, frustration, and a strange, growing warmth that spread through his chest and down his spine. He instinctively leaned closer, his hands gripping Ivan’s shirt now instead of his collar.

Ivan’s tongue slid against Till’s, slowly, too fucking slowly , drawing a muffled groan from Till. His fingers, still pressed against Ivan’s chest, flexed involuntarily, like he didn’t know whether to push him away or pull him closer.

“You’re such a weirdo,” Till muttered against Ivan’s mouth when they broke apart for air, his voice shaky but still carrying a slight irritation.

Ivan smirked. “You’re the one who jumped me,” he said, his voice low and teasing. “Don’t act like you don’t want this.”

Till’s cheeks burned, but he refused to back down. “Maybe I just wanted to shut you up.”

“Didn’t work,” Ivan said with a grin, his palms caressing over his back as if consulting him. “In fact, I think you made it worse.”

Till groaned, dropping his forehead onto Ivan’s shoulder as if trying to hide his face. “You’re so fucking annoying,” he muttered.

Till’s forehead stayed pressed against Ivan’s shoulder for a moment, his breath coming in uneven bursts as his mind raced. His fingers still gripped Ivan’s shirt, and his whole body felt like it was on fire.

Then, something shifted- literally. Ivan’s hands slid lower, brushing against Till’s lower back, the light touch sending a shiver up his spine. It wasn’t rough or teasing this time, it was steady, almost comforting. But as Till shifted slightly, trying to adjust his balance, he froze.

It hit him all at once.

He was sitting on Ivan’s lap.

The realization slammed into him like a train. His legs were straddling Ivan’s hips, his knees pressing into the carpet on either side of Ivan’s body. His weight was fully resting on Ivan’s thighs, and every slight movement felt exaggerated due to the closeness between them.

Till’s heart pounded in his chest, each beat so loud he was so sure Ivan could hear it. He pulled back slightly, his teal eyes wide and conflicted as they locked onto Ivan’s. “I…” he started, but the words died in his throat as he became painfully aware of everything.

Ivan’s hands rested against his back, one sliding slightly lower as if to steady him. Till’s thighs pressed against Ivan’s hips, and his weight shifted just enough that he could feel-

Oh no.

Till’s face turned an impossibly darker shade of red as he felt it, the faint but unmistakable pressure of Ivan’s crotch, his dick , against his body. It wasn’t… erect, but it was there, and the realization made his entire body go rigid.

“I- I need to-” Till stuttered, his voice breaking slightly as he tried to pull back, but Ivan’s hands held him in place.

“Hey,” Ivan said softly. His dark eyes searched Till’s, his expression almost serious. “You’re okay.”

“No, I-” Till’s words were weak as he tried to figure out how to process the hurricane of emotions and sensations coursing through him. “I’ve never… done this,” he admitted quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve never even thought about sitting on-”

Ivan tilted his head slightly, a small, almost understanding smile playing on his lips. “On a guy?” he finished for him, his voice gentle but with that Ivan confidence.

Till nodded, his jaw tight as he struggled to meet Ivan’s gaze.

“Well,” Ivan said, his hands brushing soothingly over Till’s back again, “you’re doing it now.”

The “matter of fact” tone made Till’s chest tighten even more, but it wasn’t just embarrassment anymore. It was more, something that made his skin buzz where Ivan touched him. “That’s not helping,” Till muttered, his voice displaying his frustration.

Ivan’s smirk returned, but it was softer this time, almost affectionate. “It’s just me, Till,” he said quietly. “You don’t have to overthink it. You’re here, I’m here, and it’s fine. We’re fine.”

Till’s breathing slowed slightly as he processed Ivan’s words. It wasn’t fine- it was weird, confusing, and way too much all at once. But the warmth of Ivan’s hands on his back, the way Ivan wasn’t teasing him for once, made it a little easier to stay still.

Ivan leaned closer again, his lips brushing against Till’s ear, his voice dropping to a low murmur. “Unless you want to move, of course. But I don’t mind if you stay right here.”

Till sat still, quiet. Every inch of him was hyper aware of the weight of Ivan’s hands on his back, the heat of Ivan’s body under his thighs, and (God, or someone- please help him) the pressure of Ivan’s crotch against him. His brain spun in circles, seeing starts instead of the mess of thoughts he couldn’t pull apart.

Sex.

Would it hurt? It probably would, right? Or maybe it wouldn’t. He had no point of reference. Did they…? No. But maybe? Fuck. He didn’t know, and the more he thought about it, the more his cheeks burned with embarrassment and frustration.

Till's body stiffened, his hands curling into fists against Ivan's chest as the words sank in. “Stay right here.” Ivan said it so easily, like this was normal. Like Till wasn’t losing his mind over every tiny touch, every shift of weight, every unspoken implication hidden behind Ivan’s words.

Ivan's hands were steady against his back, rubbing in an attempt to calm down Till- in a way that felt almost too intimate. Till couldn’t help it- his mind went there, to the next step, to what might happen if they didn’t stop. If he didn’t move.

He tried to push the thought away, but it stayed. The idea of Ivan’s hands sliding lower, tugging at his clothes, touching him in ways he’d never let anyone touch him before- it was too much. His skin burned at the thought, the heat crawling up his neck and spreading through his chest.

Would Ivan…? Would he want to? The thought alone made Till’s stomach twist in knots. He had no idea how any of that would even work. 

He thought about Ivan kissing him again, but more than that- kissing him in places Till didn’t even know he wanted to be kissed. His mind flicked to flashes of skin, heat, and the weight of Ivan above him, his hands guiding Till’s. It wasn’t just the physicality of it that made his chest tighten- it was the thought of being that close, of letting someone see him like that, completely vulnerable.

And it was Ivan. Of all people, it was Ivan.

“Till?” Ivan’s voice broke through the chaos in his head, low and steady. His hands hadn’t moved, still resting lightly on Till’s back, like he knew pushing any further would shatter whatever fragile control Till was clinging to.

Till blinked, realizing he’d been staring at Ivan without saying anything. He cleared his throat, trying to loosen the tightness that had settled there. “I… I’m fine,” he said, though his voice was rough, unconvincing.

Ivan raised an eyebrow, his lips twitching like he wanted to smirk but was holding back. “You don’t look fine.”

Till let out a shaky breath, his gaze darting away. He couldn’t meet Ivan’s eyes- not now, not when he was still hyperaware of everything. “I’m just… thinking.”

“Thinking,” Ivan echoed, his tone gentle but curious. He tilted his head, studying Till like he was trying to piece him together. “About what?”

Till hesitated, his fingers tightening against Ivan’s shirt. “About… this,” he admitted quietly, his cheeks burning as the words slipped out. “About what happens if… we keep doing this.”

Ivan’s expression softened, the teasing edge fading completely. “If we keep doing this,” he said carefully, his voice steady, “then we go as far as you’re okay with. And no further.”

Till sat still, slowly raising his head from Ivan;s shoulder to meet his gaze. This was annoying. In his seventeen years long life, not once had he imagined having sex with a man. He didn’t even know if he even wanted to have sex with a man- it wasn’t that he imagined himself like that with Mizi. Just that… It felt unreal. 

Ivan’s lips parted slightly, but he didn’t say anything at first. His hands stayed steady on Till’s back, not teasing or pushing, just… there. “You’ve really never thought about it before?” he asked, his voice quieter now, careful.

“No!” Till snapped, more out of embarrassment than anger. “Why the fuck would I? I didn’t even think about being with guys until-” He cut himself off, his cheeks turning a darker shade of red. “Until recently.”

Ivan leaned back slightly, giving Till just enough space to breathe. “It’s not like there’s a manual,” he said lightly, though there was no teasing in his tone. “I mean, I don’t know everything either.”

Till’s eyes shot up to meet his. “You don’t?” he asked, his voice skeptical.

Ivan shook his head, a faint smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. “Not really. I’ve… thought about it, sure. But that doesn’t mean I have all the answers. And it’s not like I’ve done it before.”

That caught Till off guard. He stared at Ivan, his mouth opening slightly in surprise. “Wait. You haven’t…?”

“No,” Ivan said simply, his smirk fading into something more sincere. “I don’t want anyone beside you, Till. You’re my first, and will be my last.”

The weight of those words hit Till harder than he expected. He felt the heat in his chest shift, the tension in his shoulders loosening slightly. “But you’re so… confident,” he muttered, his voice quieter now. “Like you know exactly what you’re doing.”

Ivan shrugged, his hands brushing lightly over Till’s back again. “You know I’m good at faking it,” he said, his tone light but honest. “And that doesn’t mean I’m not figuring it out too.”

Till swallowed hard, his gaze dropping to Ivan’s chest. His thoughts were still a mess, but the sincerity in Ivan’s voice made it easier to focus. “I don’t even know where to start,” he admitted, his voice barely audible. “It’s… confusing.”

Ivan tilted his head slightly, his expression softening further. “We don’t have to figure it all out right now,” he said. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

Till’s fingers tightened on Ivan’s shirt again, his chest tightening with a mix of emotions he couldn’t name. “And if I don’t figure it out?” he asked, his voice almost bitter. “What then?”

“Then we won’t do anything.” Ivan’s words came out almost too quickly, too reassuring. “I told you, I am fine just being by your side. All these things we are doing are just… like the freebies they give when you buy something from Louis Vuitton, you know?”

Till stared at him, his mind still racing but slightly calmer now. His eyes narrowed to the metaphor he used. “You’re really annoying, you know that?”

Ivan’s smirk grew wider, the teasing glint back in his eyes. “You’ve mentioned that before.”

Till groaned, dropping his head onto Ivan’s shoulder again. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” Ivan said softly, his hands steady against Till’s back. “But I don’t mind if you stay here until you figure out how you feel.”

Till didn’t respond, but he didn’t move either. His mind was still a mess, but maybe Ivan was right.

Chapter 33: beep

Summary:

At the end of the hall, she knocked once on a frosted glass door and opened it. “Mr. Kang, your guest is here.”

Luka was on a couch, dressed in casual clothes that still somehow looked effortlessly stylish. His hoodie was oversized, the hood pulled up as if he were trying to blend into the background.

“You’re the last person I expected to see,” Luka said, straightening up slightly as the assistant left, closing the door behind her.

The orphanage was never silent, but the quiet sound of the night seemed louder than usual. Luka laid curled up on his small bed, staring at the darkened ceiling. The air was colder than usual, or maybe it just felt that way to him. He tugged the thin blanket tighter around his shoulders, his chest heavy with emotions.

His bed, tucked into the corner of the shared boys room, was smaller than the others. It wasn’t because he was smaller (though he was) but because it had always been his bed. From the day he was born, Luka had been here, in this same spot. No before, no tragic backstory, just endless rejection. Too small, too weak, too “complicated.”

He had heard the whispers earlier that day, the grown up voices of the couple in the office with the social worker. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but their words had floated out into the hall as he passed by.

“We really like Luka,” the woman had said, her voice warm but unfamiliar. “He’s quiet, well-mannered… And such a sweet boy. He’s not that young either, wouldn’t be a hassle.”

Luka had learned long ago that being sweet wasn’t a compliment in places like this. Sweet meant fragile, temporary, someone you picked up because they looked nice but put down the moment they became too much. He wasn’t stupid. He knew why they wanted him now, after years of being passed over. The social worker must have left out the part about the medical costs.

But none of that mattered because he had said no.

He hadn’t even thought about it. The moment they asked, he had shaken his head, the words spilling out before he could stop them. “I don’t want to go.”

The social worker’s brows had risen up in confusion, but nodded understandingly as Luka’s medical costs would be too much. The couple had looked at each other in confusion, trying to convince him, but Luka had stood his ground. And now, lying there in the dark, he wasn’t sure if he felt relief or regret.

The door creaked open, and Luka stiffened, turning his head toward the sound. Hyun Woo slipped inside, his silhouette barely visible in the dark.

“Luka?” Hyun Woo whispered, his voice soft but excited. “You awake?”

Luka stayed silent for a moment before pulling the blanket over his head. “No.”

Hyun Woo didn’t care about the sarcasm. He walked over and laid next to him, trying to join Luka under the blanket, his grin now visible from close up. “I have news.”

Luka didn’t respond, his blanket still pulled up to his chin, Hyun Woo was now right next to him. 

“They picked me,” he said, his voice filled with energy. “The couple from earlier. They want me.”

Luka’s heart sank, but he forced himself to stay still, his expression unreadable. “Good for you,” he muttered.

Hyun Woo frowned, leaning closer. “That’s it? No congratulations or anything?”

“What do you want me to say?” Luka asked calmly, turning to glare at him. “You got what you wanted. You’re leaving.”

Hyun Woo blinked, taken aback by the bitterness in Luka’s tone. “It’s not like that. I’m not leaving you. I mean… I am, but it’s not because I want to. You know that, right?”

Luka rolled onto his side, facing away from him. “Whatever.”

Hyun Woo pouted. “Look, I didn’t think they’d pick me. I thought they were going to stick with you.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to go,” Luka said flatly. “So they picked the next best thing.”

Hyun Woo’s shoulders tensed, but he didn’t argue. Instead, he leaned back, staring at the dark ceiling. “You really don’t want to leave, huh?”

Luka clenched his fists under the blanket, his voice quieter now. “Yes.”

“Why?” Hyun Woo asked, his tone softer.

“Because…” Luka hesitated, his throat tightening. “Because I want to stay with Hyuna.”

Hyun Woo was quiet for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then, he let out a soft, quiet laugh. “She’s lucky to have you, you know?”

Luka frowned, his chest tightening. “…It’s not like she needs me or anything.”

“Maybe not,” Hyun Woo admitted, his voice light. “But you need her.”

Luka didn’t respond, hating on how much truth Hyun Woo was aware of.

“Hey,” Hyun Woo said suddenly, his voice happier now. “When I go, I’ll keep in touch. Write letters, maybe even call when I can. And I’ll come back to visit. Promise. The couple- they said I can visit Hyuna whenever I want, and that she can come to sleepover sometimes. Maybe you can come too!”

Luka scoffed, but the corner of his lips twitched, almost a smile. “I can’t sleep through your snoring. But I want the letters.”

Hyun Woo grinned, ruffling Luka’s hair. “Deal.”

Hyun Woo stayed lying beside Luka, their shared silence interrupted only by the occasional creak of floorboards or the muffled cough of another kid down the hall reminded Luka that, for now, nothing had changed. Hyun Woo was still here.

“So,” Hyun Woo began, his voice quiet but playful. “You’re not going to miss me at all, huh?”

Luka rolled his eyes, the blanket still wrapped tightly around him. “What’s there to miss? Your loud voice? The way you steal food off my plate? Your hairy ass clogging the showers? Pass.”

Hyun Woo let out an exaggerated gasp, clutching his chest like he’d been wounded. “Wow. I see how it is. All these years of friendship, and this is what I get.”

Luka turned his head slightly, just enough to catch Hyun Woo’s wide grin in the faint light. Despite his sarcastic tone, Luka felt a lump in his throat. “You know I’ll miss you.” he mumbled, his voice quieter now. 

Hyun Woo’s grin softened into something warmer. He reached out, poking Luka’s side. “There it is. I knew you had a heart in there somewhere.”

Luka didn’t respond, trying to memorize the patterns on the wall. Something seemed off. Something felt off.

They stayed like that for a while, talking about the small, silly things they’d shared over the years. Hyun Woo told a story about the time Luka had tried to fix a broken toy but ended up making it worse, and Luka retaliated with a memory of Hyun Woo tripping over his own feet during a game of tag. The banter was light, but it was more sad than usual. Both of them knew this was one of their last nights like this.

“Luka,” Hyun Woo said. “You’ll look out for her, right? Hyuna?”

Luka’s brows furrowed. “Of course I will.”

Hyun Woo nodded, his gaze distant. “She’s strong, you know. Stronger than either of us sometimes. But… I worry about her.”

“She’ll be fine,” Luka said, he wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Hyun Woo or himself. “I won’t let anything happen to her.”

Hyun Woo smiled faintly. “I know you won’t.”

The room grew quieter, and the indistinct shapes on the white wall began to shift, taking on forms that felt almost familiar. It was like watching a dream piece itself together, soft and blurred at the edges, the type of shapes you see when you close your eyes.

Without realizing how, Luka found himself seated at a table, a neat stack of blank paper in front of him. The air carried the faint sound of laughter, distant and out of reach, like it was coming from somewhere just beyond his vision.

Hyun Woo’s voice called out to him, clear and full of energy. “Luka! Come on!”

Luka turned, finding himself in the familiar courtyard of the orphanage. Hyun Woo was there, grinning as he waved him over. Luka hesitated, a strange sense of unease creeping into his chest.

“I’m coming!” Luka tried to shout back, to move- , his legs felt heavy, like they were stuck in place.

Hyun Woo’s grin was still there, but his figure was growing hazy. “Hurry up, Luka.”

Beep.

“I’m trying!” Luka yelled, panic rising in his throat. The courtyard around him began to shift, the bright colors fading into dull grays. The sound of laughter turned into something else- faint and sharp, like the distant beeping of a machine.

Beep. 

“Wait!” Luka called out, his voice cracking. “Don’t go!”

Beep.

But Hyun Woo was already turning away, his figure dissolving into the gray fog. The beeping grew louder, sharper, until it was all Luka could hear.

Luka’s eyes flew open, his chest rising up and down as he gasped for air. The dim room came into focus, the faint glow of the heart monitor by his bedside casting shadows on the walls. 

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

The steady rhythm pounded in his ears, matching the frantic beat of his heart.

He pressed a trembling hand to his chest, trying to steady his breathing. His skin was dry, fingertips blue, his pulse racing as if he’d been running. The dream was stuck to him, the image of Hyun Woo’s fading figure burned into his mind.

Luka squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to focus on the beeping. It was real. This was the current reality. Hyun Woo was not here. Hyuna was not here. He was not at the orphanage, either.

The ache in his chest remained, a reminder of what he couldn’t change. Hyun Woo was gone, and no matter how much Luka wanted to hold onto those promises, the reality was much colder.

He exhaled shakily, staring at the monitor. The sound was steady now, but it didn’t feel comforting. It felt like a countdown.

-

The high rise building of Unsha Entertainment was as intimidating as Ivan had expected. Polished glass doors, a pristine marble lobby… it screamed exclusivity. Ivan adjusted the strap of his messenger bag, glancing around nervously before approaching the receptionist.

“Hi,” he began, clearing his throat. “I’m here to see Luka Kang. My father arranged it with Mr. Choi.”

The receptionist, a sharp looking woman in her early thirties, glanced up from her computer. “Name?”

“Ivan Ha,” he said, trying to sound confident.

Her expression shifted slightly, recognition sparking in her eyes. “One moment.” She tapped on her keyboard, then gestured toward the elevators. “Fourth floor, meeting room three. Someone will escort you.”

“Thanks,” Ivan said, clutching his bag tightly as he stepped toward the elevators.

The ride up was quiet, yet Ivan could hear voices in his head that told him didn’t belong there, but his curiosity overrode his nerves. Luka’s connection to Till and Mizi- and his brief mention of them at the gala- had been bugging him ever since. He needed answers, and this was the only way to get them.

When the elevator doors opened, a young assistant in a company blazer greeted him. “Right this way,” she said, leading him down a hallway lined with minimalist decor and framed posters of the company’s artists.

At the end of the hall, she knocked once on a frosted glass door and opened it. “Mr. Kang, your guest is here.”

Luka was on a couch, dressed in casual clothes that still somehow looked effortlessly stylish. His hoodie was oversized, the hood pulled up as if he were trying to blend into the background.

“You’re the last person I expected to see,” Luka said, straightening up slightly as the assistant left, closing the door behind her.

Ivan stepped inside, his eyes scanning the room briefly before focusing on Luka. “I wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t important.”

“Important?” Luka repeated in a mocking tone. “Let me guess- your father sent you?”

“Not exactly,” Ivan said. “But he did mention something to me. About inviting you to my school’s showcase.”

Luka’s smirk faltered, replaced by a more neutral expression. “Ah, that.”

“So, it’s true,” Ivan said, crossing his arms. “He invited you, and you accepted. Why?”

Luka leaned back, resting his arm on the couch. “Why not? Your father seemed eager to have me there. Said it’d be good for you. Networking for if you want to pursue music or something.”

Ivan stood expressionless. “I don’t need networking.”

“Well, then you should take it up with him,” Luka said, shrugging. “I just said yes because it sounded interesting.”

“Interesting?” Ivan asked, his voice sharpening. “You’re not even trying to hide it, are you? This isn’t about the showcase- it’s about Till and Mizi.”

Luka’s expression didn’t change, though he blinked. “Maybe.”

Ivan stepped closer, lowering his voice. “How do you know them? What do you want with them?”

“Why would I tell you?” Luke asked, blinking uninterestedly. 

“Because,” Ivan started, placing his messenger bag on the coffee table as he sat on one of the unoccupied couches. “Till is my partner for the performance, and I don’t want you there if you’re gonna distract him.”

Luka’s posture changed almost unnoticeable. His shoulders tensed ever so slightly, and though his face remained neutral, Ivan could see something in his eyes- something that gave away he cared.

“You okay?” Ivan asked, his tone sharper than before just enough to show he’d noticed. “You froze up there.”

Luka shifted, sitting up straighter and shrugging casually, though his movements were stiff. “I’m fine. Just didn’t realize Till was performing.”

Ivan tilted his head, narrowing his eyes. “That’s not all, is it?”

Luka’s expression didn’t flip, but the air between them grew heavier. “What do you mean?”

“You’re acting weird,” Ivan said bluntly. “And not your usual I-don’t-care weird. The moment I mentioned Till performing, you… changed.”

“I didn’t change,” Luka said, his voice a touch defensive.

“Yeah, you did,” Ivan pressed. He leaned forward. “What’s the deal? Apparently you’ve met Till and Mizi, right? You brought them up at the gala, and now you’re all… tense. What’s going on?”

Luka’s jaw tightened, and he looked away, his gaze fixed on a spot on the floor. “You’re imagining things,” he muttered.

Ivan laughed sarcastically. “Don’t give me that. You’re obviously bothered by something. If this is about Till, you better tell me now, because I’m not letting you mess with him- or Mizi, for that matter.”

Ivan’s gaze stayed locked on Luka, his eyes narrowing as the silence stretched uncomfortably. Luka’s lack of response wasn’t just annoyance- it was hesitation, and it only made Ivan more suspicious.

“What is it?” Ivan demanded, his voice low but firm. “You clearly know something about them, and you’re not telling me. Why?”

Luka’s fingers twitched against his knee. “It’s nothing. You’re overthinking it.”

“You said their names at the gala. Till, Mizi—those aren’t just random kids you’d know. What’s your connection to them? Why were you asking about them?” Ivan said, leaning forward.

Luka leaned back, his hood slipping off his head. He ran a hand through his hair, his frustration barely contained. “You’re awfully protective for someone who barely knows what’s going on.”

Ivan’s eyes narrowed, the red in his pupils getting smaller due the hostility he felt. “I know enough. Till’s my partner for the showcase. Mizi’s my friend. If you’re going to mess with them, I have every right to know why.”

Luka laughed, it was fake and humourless, his gaze meeting Ivan and then away again. “It’s not about messing with them.”

“Then what is it?” Ivan pressed. “You’re dodging the question.”

For a moment, Luka didn’t answer. His jaw tightened, one of his hands rising to bite on one of his nails. Finally, he met Ivan’s gaze once more, his expression unreadable. “It’s personal.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “That’s not an answer.”

“It’s the only one you’re getting,” Luka shot back. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

Ivan sat back, crossing his arms as he studied Luka. “So you’re just going to show up at my school, act like nothing’s weird, and pretend you don’t know Till and Mizi? That’s your plan?”

Luka’s lips twitched, almost like he wanted to smirk but couldn’t put in the effort. “Something like that.”

Ivan shook his head, his frustration only frowing. “You know, I didn’t come here for games. If you’re not going to be honest with me, I’ll find out the truth myself.”

Luka’s lips finally gave in, a small smirk on his face, his voice lowering. “Careful, Ha. You might not like what you find.”

The tension in the room was almost graspable by hand, the air heavy with unspoken implications. Ivan held Luka’s gaze, refusing to back down.

“Whatever it is, I’ll deal with it,” Ivan said firmly. “Just don’t get in Till’s way. He’s already been through enough.”

Luka laughed once again, though it had a little bit of humour in it this time. “You make it sound like I am some kind of villain in a story. I am not that bad, you know, I just wanna be happy with myself.”

“If that’s it, then why won’t you tell me the truth?” Ivan challenged.

Luka's smile remained on his face, head slightly tilting as he stood up, “This conversation’s over.”

“Is it?” Ivan asked, standing as well. “Because it doesn’t feel like it.”

Luka walked toward the door, his movements mechanical, almost calculated. “I don’t owe you anything, Ha. Not now, not ever.”

Ivan’s voice followed him as he opened the door. “Fine. But if you’re hiding something that affects Till or Mizi, I’ll find out. And I won’t let you hurt them.”

Luka paused in the doorway, his back to Ivan. “You’re a lot like him, you know,” he said quietly, almost to himself.

“Like who?” Ivan demanded.

Luka didn’t answer. He pointed at the door, hinting for Ivan to step into the hall. Ivan sighed as he picked up his bag and got out, trying to convince himself not to ask Till- he didn’t want to get involved in something that might bring up… bad memories for him. 

Letting the door close behind him, Ivan walked towards the elevator, his mind spinning with more questions than answers. There was a crowd of fans and paparazzi outside, though their attention didn’t seem to be on him.

Whatever Luka’s connection to Till and Mizi was, it was deeper than he’d realized- and Ivan wasn’t about to let it go.

Chapter 34: viral

Summary:

“Till- stop,” Ivan said, his voice muffled as he pulled back, his hands gripping Till’s wrists to gently push him away.

Till’s eyes widened in surprise, the fire in them flickering into confusion. “What the fuck?” he muttered, his voice breaking slightly. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t,” Ivan said, his tone quieter but firm. He released Till’s wrists, stepping back just enough to put some  space between them. “Not now.”

It all started when Mizi was scrolling through her phone during an afternoon in the common room of the orphanage. She leaned against the corner of the couch, hiding from her responsibilities such as homework and practicing for her ballet recital. Her thumb swiped lazily through her feed, pausing now and then to like a post or read a caption. It was her usual escape from the day- checking out pictures of her favorite idols, random memes, and occasionally peeking at her friends’ posts.

That was when she saw it.

A blurry photo of Ivan stepping out of a building with the iconic Unsha Entertainment logo in the background. His expression was as still as ever, his messenger bag slung casually over his shoulder. The image wasn’t great- clearly taken from a distance by someone who wasn’t supposed to be snapping pictures- but it was unmistakably Ivan.

Mizi frowned, clicking on the post. It was from one of those gossip accounts that often speculated about celebrity relationships or the next big trainee debut. The caption read:
“Spotted outside Unsha HQ: Mystery student leaving after a private meeting. Possible new trainee? Industry insiders speculate ties to Anakt Academy.”

She scrolled down, and her confusion turned to concern. There were more posts. A TikTok with someone zooming in on Ivan as he exited the building, paired with music and captions like, “Who is he? Future idol or just another investor’s kid?” On Twitter, threads had popped up dissecting every available detail about him. The posts included screenshots of Anakt Academy’s official site featuring Ivan as the valedictorian and honor roll student, alongside captions like, “Why is a genius like this at an entertainment company? Double life, maybe?”

Mizi clicked out of the thread and switched to Instagram, where hashtags like #MysteryTrainee and #AnaktIdol were beginning to trend. Comments ranged from speculative to outright ridiculous.

senpapinoticeme21: He looks like a visual type for sure. SMILE, KING.

CancelJayce: He’s definitely rich. Look at that bag.

Caitlyin4Ever: I got the same school as him, his name is Ivan Ha. I heard his family is an investor of Luka. Makes sense he’d be there.

Mizi’s stomach flipped. None of these people knew Ivan. They didn’t know how private he was, how much he hated standing out for the wrong reasons. But this? This was the kind of attention that could get out of control real fast. Ivan wasn’t on social media much, but Mizi could imagine his reaction if he ever found out.

She shoved her phone in her pocket, hurrying to find Till. He needed to see this.

Mizi found Till sitting on the orphanage steps in the backyards despite the cold, strumming his guitar. His teal eyes were focused on the strings, but his posture was relaxed, like he was lost in his own world.

“Till!” Mizi called out, running up to him. Her tone made him look up immediately, sensing something was off.

“What’s wrong?” Till asked, setting the guitar down and giving her his full attention.

Mizi pulled out her phone and practically shoved it in his face. “Look at this. Ivan’s all over social media.”

Till frowned, taking the phone from her hands. His eyes scanned the posts, his expression hardening with each swipe. “What the fuck?” he muttered. “Where did they even get this photo?”

“Apparently someone snapped it when he left Unsha Entertainment,” Mizi explained, crossing her arms. “Now there’s all these stupid theories about him being a trainee or some rich investor’s kid.”

“Well, they’re half right about the rich part,” Till said dryly, still scrolling. “But why are they so obsessed? It’s not like Ivan’s trying to be famous.”

“Exactly!” Mizi said, throwing her hands up. “You know how private he is. He’s going to hate this.”

Till let out a low whistle, pausing on a thread talking about Ivan’s supposed “double life.” “Damn, they’re really reaching. Someone even posted a screenshot of his valedictorian speech from Anakt’s site from last year. How do these people find this stuff?”

Mizi sat down on the steps beside him. “I don’t know, but it’s weird. He doesn’t even use social media, so he probably has no idea this is happening.”

Till handed her phone back and leaned back, shifting his guitar away from her lap onto the ground. “Should we tell him? Or is it better to just let it… I don’t know, fade?”

Mizi hesitated, biting her lip. “I don’t know. If we tell him, he’ll probably not do anything about. But if we don’t and he finds out on his own, it might be worse.”

Mizi sighed. “It’s not just that. Some of the comments are saying stuff about Luka, too.”

Till suddenly fell quiet, his nails pressing into the concrete of the stairs as he took the phone again scrolled through the posts on Mizi’s phone. His teal eyes darkened with every caption, every ridiculous theory tying Ivan to Unsha Entertainment- and worse, to Luka.

“This is bullshit,” he muttered, his voice low and filled with pure anger. “Why is Luka’s name even showing up in this?”

Mizi leaned back against the orphanage’s worn wooden railing, her arms crossed. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “But it’s spreading fast. People are linking Ivan to Luka just because he walked out of the same building like ten minutes later.”

“They’re not just linking him,” Till said sharply, handing her the phone. “They’re turning him into a goddamn sideshow. Look at this.” He tapped the screen, pulling up a thread. “#MysteryTrainee? #AnaktIdol? They don’t even know him, but they’re all over his life.”

Mizi sighed, glancing at the phone again. “I know. It’s gross. But what are we supposed to do? It’s not like we can stop them.”

Till kicked a small gravel angrily. “It’s not just the rumors. It’s Luka. Why does his name keep coming up in all this?”

Mizi frowned. “It’s probably nothing. People are just making connections because they’re both at Unsha. It doesn’t mean Luka’s actually involved.”

Till shot her a look, his teal eyes blazing. “You really believe that?”

Mizi hesitated, then looked away. “…No.”

“Exactly,” Till said, his voice rising slightly. “This isn’t some coincidence.”

Mizi rubbed her arms, the chill of the evening air finally settling in. “Okay, fine. Maybe he wants to reach us to get to Hyuna. But why would he care about Ivan?”

Till’s teal eyes burned as he got up and starting pacing back and forth across the orphanage steps, his fists clenched tightly at his sides. “Ivan has nothing to do with Luka. Nothing. So why is his name even in the same sentence as that bastard?”

Mizi leaned her head back against the railing. “I don’t know,” she murmured, her voice quieter now. “But it’s not just random connections. People are talking about Luka like he’s some kind of mentor to Ivan or something.”

“Mentor?” Till snapped, stopping mid-step to glare at her. “What the hell would Luka have to mentor him about? How to screw people over?”

Mizi bit her lip, unsure how to respond. The anger in Till’s tone wasn’t surprising- she’d seen him get protective before. But this was different. There was something else in his words, something sharper and more personal. She couldn’t tell if it was just about Ivan or if Luka’s name stirred something deeper in him.

“It’s probably just gossip,” Mizi said softly, trying to ease the tension. “You know how people are online. They see one blurry picture, and suddenly it’s a conspiracy.”

“Yeah, but gossip spreads,” Till shot back, his voice cracking slightly. “And now Ivan’s the center of it. He didn’t ask for this.”

“No, he didn’t,” Mizi agreed, pulling her knees up to her chest. “But what can we do? It’s not like we can control what people post.”

“It’s not about controlling posts,” Till said, resuming his pacing. “It’s about Luka. He’s not innocent in this, Mizi. You know that as much as I do.”

Mizi’s expression darkened. “Of course I know that. You think I forgot what Hyuna told us? All the shit Luka left her to deal with while he went off to get adopted by a rich family?”

Till’s pacing stopped again, his fists clenching tighter. “Exactly. And now he’s back, poking around where he doesn’t belong.”

Mizi hesitated, her voice dropping. “Do you think… he’s trying to reach her?”

“Who else would he care about?” Till spat. “It’s not like he has some long lost connection to Ivan or us. This is about Hyuna.”

“But why now?” Mizi pressed, her voice laced with frustration. “He’s been out of the picture for years. Why show up in Ivan’s orbit? Why not just… contact her directly?”

“Because he’s a coward,” Till said flatly. “He knows what he did. He knows Hyuna wouldn’t want to see him, not after everything. So maybe he’s using Ivan as an excuse to…. fuck around, to see if we’ll lure Hyuna to him instead.”

Mizi frowned, rubbing her arms against the growing chill. “But Ivan doesn’t even know about Hyuna and Luka. Hell, he doesn’t even know we’re close to her. This doesn’t make any sense.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense,” Till said bitterly. “Luka’s always been good at screwing things up without a plan.”

Mizi looked down at her phone again, the comments and threads… “We can’t let Ivan get caught in the middle of this.”

“Damn right we can’t,” Till said, his voice hard. “But if Luka tries anything, and I mean anything - I’ll make sure he regrets it.”

Mizi looked up at him, worry flickering in her eyes. “Till, don’t do something stupid. Ivan’s already going to freak out when he finds out about this. The last thing we need is for you to-”

“I’m not going to sit back and do nothing,” Till interrupted, his teal eyes blazing with determination. “Ivan might not know what’s going on, but we do. And if Luka thinks he can somehow use to get his way back into Hyuna’s life, he’s got another thing coming.”

Mizi sighed, resting her chin on her knees. “Fine. But let’s not jump to conclusions. We don’t even know if Luka’s actually involved or if this is just a misunderstanding.”

Till scoffed, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Yeah, because Luka’s such an innocent guy.”

Mizi didn’t argue. She didn’t have to. They both knew that Luka’s reappearance, no matter how coincidental it seemed, couldn’t be ignored. Not after everything they’d learned from Hyuna. Not with Ivan caught in the crossfire.

-

Ivan checked his phone as it buzzed on the corner of his desk, the bright screen illuminating Till’s name. It was rare for Till to text first- rare enough that Ivan immediately swiped it open, curiosity replacing his usual composure.

 

wet cat

 

let’s meet up.

now.

18:34

 

The bluntness of the message caught him off guard. No context, no explanation, just a demand. 

 

Whatever you want.

Where?

18:34

i’m at the lotta seoul

the cafe by your house

18:35

 

Ivan frowned as he sensed something was wrong, grabbing his coat and heading out without a second thought.

By the time Ivan arrived, Till was already there as he said. Sitting by the back, scrolling on his phone with a half drank black coffee in front him.  

His back was to Ivan, his hands gripping the phone so tightly he almost looked angry. Even from a distance, Ivan could tell something was off.

“Hey,” Ivan called as he approached. “What’s going on?”

Till didn’t turn around. “Took you long enough.”

Ivan sat down in front of him, his brows furrowing. “What’s this about?”

Finally, he faced Till, his teal eyes sharp and unreadable. “You want to tell me what the hell you were doing at Unsha Entertainment?”

Ivan blinked, taken aback. “How do you-?”

“Does it matter how I know?” Till cut him off, his voice rising, though he slowly got it under control, not wanting to draw any attention from strangers. “You walked out of their building, Ivan. Now everyone and their mother thinks you’re some goddamn trainee or Luka’s protege or whatever.”

Ivan’s confusion turned to frustration. “Okay, calm down-”

“Don’t tell me to calm down.” Till snapped, practically hissing as bit down on his bottom lip. “How reckless was it for you to just stroll into that building without even thinking?”

Ivan’s jaw tightened, his own irritation getting up to the surface. “First of all, I don’t owe you an explanation for where I go. Second, what’s the big deal? It’s just some stupid rumors.”

“Stupid rumors?” Till repeated, his tone annoyed. “Do you even know who Luka is? What he’s done?”

Ivan crossed his arms, his gaze steady but annoyed. “What does Luka have to do with this?”

Till scoffed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “You don’t get it, do you? Luka’s not just some random idol. He’s-””

“He’s what?” Ivan challenged, his tone sharp. “Why are you acting like this is personal?”

“Because it is personal!” Till whispered in a shouting way, his voice cracking slightly. “You don’t know what he did to Hyuna. What he left her to deal with while he ran off and got adopted by some rich family.”

Ivan blinked, the name catching him off guard. “Hyuna? What does she have to do with this?”

Till clenched his fists, his anger barely contained. “She’s the reason I can’t stand Luka. And now you-” He stopped, shaking his head like he couldn’t even finish the thought. “You’re letting yourself get dragged into this, whether you realize it or not.”

Ivan’s gaze softened, but his voice was firm. “Till, I didn’t ‘let’ anything happen. You’re acting like I’m betraying you or something.”

“Maybe you are.” Till fired back, the words escaping before he could stop them. “You don’t see it, but you’re stepping right into the mess he left behind. And if he screws with you- or with us- And I’m not just going to stand by and watch.”

Ivan stared at him for a moment, his expression unreadable. A quick light went through crimson pupils, caused by the traffic outside. It made Till’s heart a little bit faster, but he ignored it.

“This isn’t about me, is it? This is about you.” Ivan spoke finally, his voice soft, but he sounded… disappointed?

Till’s breath hitched, his anger faltering for a moment. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You’re mad because you can’t let go of whatever Luka did to you or Hyuna,” Ivan said quietly. “And now you’re taking it out on me.”

Till froze, his chest tightening as a flood or emotions went up from his lower stomach to his chest. He glared at Ivan. The truth in his words stung more than he wanted to admit, but the anger was still there, just beneath the surface.

“So what if I am?” Till muttered, his voice barely above a whisper. “That doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”

Ivan leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms, his gaze steady on Till. “Maybe you’re not wrong about Luka,” he said, his voice calm, but there was a sharpness to itS. “But you are wrong about me. I’m not some pawn in whatever unresolved drama you and Hyuna have with him.”

Till scoffed,  his teal eyes narrowing. “You think this is just about me and Hyuna? This isn’t just some old grudge, Ivan. Luka’s the kind of person who leaves a mess everywhere he goes, and he doesn’t care who gets caught in it.”

“And you think I’m part of that mess now?” Ivan asked, his tone laced with something that stabbed Till by the heart. “Because I walked out of the same building as him? You’re jumping to conclusions, Till.”

“Am I?” Till shot back. “You’re the one who refuses to tell me what you were doing there. What kind of secrets are you keeping?”

Ivan’s jaw tightened, and he exhaled slowly, his hands gripping the corner of the table. “I don’t owe you every detail of my life.”

“Maybe not,” Till admitted, his voice dropping, “but you owe me the truth. If you’re caught up in something with Luka, I deserve to know.”

Ivan stared at Till, his expression unreadable. For a moment, the only sound was the faint clinking of cups and conversations from the other tables in the cafe.

“Why are you so fixated on this?” Ivan asked finally, his voice quieter but not less intense than before. “Why can’t you just trust me when I say I’m not involved with Luka?”

Till leaned back, avoiding his gaze. “Because I’ve seen what happens when people trust Luka. Hyuna trusted him once. I’m not going to let that happen again. Not to you.”

Ivan’s gaze softened, and he tilted his head slightly, studying Till. “You’re worried about me.”

Till’s spit got caught in his throat, and for a second, he thought he was gonna die as he coughed. “Of course I am,” he managed to mutter out, his voice rough. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Ivan’s lips curved into a small smile. “You have a funny way of showing it.”

Till glared at him. “Don’t make this into a joke, Ivan.”

“I’m not joking,” Ivan said, leaning forward slightly, his voice steady. “I get it, Till. You care. But you can’t let your anger at Luka cloud everything else. I’m not him, and I’m not going to let him mess with me- or with you.”

Till looked away, his jaw tight as he fought to keep his emotions in check. “I just… I don’t trust him.”

“I’m not asking you to trust him,” Ivan said, his tone softening. “I’m asking you to trust me.”

Till’s shoulders lowered slightly, the tension in his body easing just a bit. He let out a sharp exhale, running a hand through his hair. “Fine,” he muttered. “But if Luka looks at you the wrong way, I’m not holding back.”

Ivan chuckled, the sound low and warm. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

The corner of Till’s mouth twitched, almost a smile. “You’d better.” He glanced down at the table, his fingers drumming on top of the table. “And… sorry. For snapping at you.”

Ivan waved it off, his smirk returning. “I’m used to it. You’ve got a temper.”

Till rolled his eyes, but there was no tilt behind it. “Yeah, well, you’re not exactly easy to deal with either.”

“Good thing we balance each other out,” Ivan said lightly, leaning back in his chair.

Till shook his head, but he couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips. “Whatever. Let’s just get out of here before I say something else I’ll regret.”

Ivan stood, reaching for his wallet. “I’ve paid already.” Till cut him off, though earning a smile on Ivan’s face. 

“Lead the way then, Wet Cat.” Ivan said, grinning with that confident and smug expression of his.

Till groaned, shoving past him toward the door. “You’re never calling me that again.”

The streets were quiet as Till and Ivan made their way toward Ivan’s house. The light from streetlamps had started turning on as the sun was going down, and the cool breeze carried with it the faint smell of gas from all the cars trying to get to places. Ivan’s home wasn’t far, and their footsteps were right after another..

Till walked slightly ahead, his teal eyes fixed forward, his hands pushed into his jacket pockets. Ivan was right beside him, keeping pace but remaining quiet, his mind a mess. The earlier argument had left a strange tension between them, one that wasn’t entirely unpleasant but felt unresolved. He wasn’t sure if he should have come clean about his connection to Luka, but he needed to uncover more on his own before deciding how to hold onto Till and keep him close.

“Are you gonna tell me what you’re thinking, or do I have to guess?” Ivan finally broke the silence, his voice calm.

Till stopped suddenly, turning to face him. “You don’t want to know,” he muttered, his voice low but still tight with emotion.

Ivan raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms. “Try me.”

For a moment, Till didn’t respond. The muscles in his jaw tightened as if he was trying to hold something back. Without a word, he turned, walking into a narrow alleyway between two buildings. The light barely reached the walls, the air damp and heavy. It was like a contrast to the streets filled with people and energy just a few metres away, but the noise of the crowd felt distant now, muffled by the closeness of the space.

“Till,” Ivan called after him, his brows furrowing in confusion. He hesitated before following.

Till stopped near the back of the alley, his fists out of his pockets and clenched at his sides. He stared at the ground, his breaths coming fast and uneven. “You like privacy, right?” he muttered, his voice low. “Well, here we are.”

Ivan approached cautiously, unsure what to say. “What are you doing? This isn’t-”

Before Ivan could finish, Till spun around, grabbing the collar of Ivan’s coat and yanking him forward. Their faces were centimetres apart. Then, without hesitation, Till crashed his lips against Ivan’s in a rough, desperate kiss. It wasn’t gentle or calculated- it was raw, angry, vulnerable, and longing.

For a moment, Ivan froze, his body stiff against Till’s intensity. Then, like before, guilt surged through him. The memory of Luka, the truth he hid from Till…

“Till- stop,” Ivan said, his voice muffled as he pulled back, his hands gripping Till’s wrists to gently push him away.

Till’s eyes widened in surprise, the fire in them flickering into confusion. “What the fuck?” he muttered, his voice breaking slightly. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t,” Ivan said, his tone quieter but firm. He released Till’s wrists, stepping back just enough to put some  space between them. “Not now.”

“Not now?” Till repeated, his voice rising with disbelief. “What does that even mean, Ivan? Why not now?”

“It means,” Ivan started, trying to find the right words without letting things escalate, “it’s not the right time. Not here. Not when you’re… like this.”

“Like what?” Till snapped, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment and anger. “You think I don’t mean it? That I’m just- what, mad and reckless?”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Ivan tried to explain, his tone steady but cautious. “I just don’t want to do this when you’re upset. When it feels-”

“Don’t,” Till cut him off, his voice trembling. “Don’t you dare make it sound like this is just some fucking tantrum.”

“Till, I-” Ivan started, stepping forward, but Till’s fist came out of nowhere.

The punch landed squarely on Ivan’s jaw, the force sending him stumbling back a step. The impact was hard, the pain spreading through his nervous system almost immediately. Ivan raised a hand to his face, his eyes wide with shock as he looked up at Till.

“You’re such a fucking liar,” Till hissed, his hands still balled into fists. “You say you care, that you want to be with me no matter what- but you’re always holding something back. Always keeping me out.”

Ivan didn’t respond immediately, his jaw throbbing as he tried to process what had just happened. He opened his mouth to say something, but Till didn’t give him the chance.

“Forget it,” Till muttered, his voice cracking. He turned on his heel, storming out of the alley without a backward glance. His footsteps echoed against the walls, the sound fading quickly as he disappeared into the noise of the city.

Ivan stayed where he was. His hand fell from his jaw, his fingers brushing against the sore spot where Till had hit him. The pain was nothing compared to… whatever the fuck this emotion was in his chest.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself, leaning his head back against the wall. The weight of his guilt felt unbearable now, pressing down on him like a physical force. He couldn’t blame Till for his anger, but the punch had been… too much.

Ivan exhaled shakily, pushing off the wall and stepping out of the alley, making his way home.

Chapter 35: piggy back

Summary:

“I don’t know,” Hyuna admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “At the time, I thought it was just his way of trying to make himself look like the victim. But now... now I think there was more to it. Something he didn’t tell me.”

Mizi tilted her head, her expression thoughtful through her tears. “Do you think he was hiding something? Like... maybe he wasn’t as happy as he seemed?”

The sound of children laughing echoed faintly in Hyuna’s mind as she stood by the window, staring at the light of dawn breaking over the rooftops. The memory came uncalled for, vivid and bittersweet, as if it had been waiting for the quiet to surface.

She had been nine, maybe ten, and the orphanage courtyard had been alive with energy. Kids ran in circles, their voices all around, but her attention was fixed on a boy and his sister.

The boy was bent down, letting her climb onto his back. His movements were unsteady, exaggerated to make her giggle, but his grin was wide.

“You can't carry her!” one of the younger kids teased.

“No, I’m not,” Hyun Woo shot back, puffing his chest out as he adjusted his sister’s weight. She squealed in delight, her short arms wrapping tightly around his neck as he ran around the courtyard.

Luka had stood beside her that day, arms by his side, his expression unreadable. Once Hyun Woo let her down, Luka had pulled on the edge of Hyuna’s shirt. “Think you could do that for me?”

She had snorted, shaking his head. “I’d drop you in two seconds.”

Luka nodded, not insisting though he seemed disappointed. Pulling his hand back to himself, he slowly raised his hand towards his face to suck on his sleeve. 

Hyuna frowned. “Hey,” she said, nudging him with her elbow. “I was just joking, you know.”

Luka glanced at her, his expression still blank, but the way he avoided her eyes told her everything she needed to know. “It’s fine,” he mumbled through the fabric of his sleeve. “I don’t need to be carried.”

“Oh, shut up,” Hyuna said, rolling her eyes as she crouched down in front of him. “Come on, get on.”

Luka hesitated, his eyes darting between her and the ground. “You don’t have to-”

“Just do it!” she snapped, though her tone was more playful than annoyed. “I’m stronger than I look, you know.”

Still reluctant, Luka finally stepped forward, his movements hesitant as he placed his hands on her shoulders and climbed onto her back. Hyuna adjusted his weight, standing up with a slight unbalance but managing to stay steady.

“There,” she said. “See? I didn’t drop you.”

Luka didn’t say anything, but the faintest smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he held onto her shoulders. His grip was light, almost like he was afraid of being a burden. Hyuna could feel the tension in his small frame, but she didn’t comment on it. Instead, she started walking, her steps slow.

“Not so bad, huh?” she teased, glancing over her shoulder at him.

Luka finally let out a quiet laugh, the sound soft and hesitant, but genuine. “Not bad.”

Hyuna grinned, feeling a strange sense of satisfaction. For a moment, it was just the two of them, and the truth of it felt comforting rather than haunting at this point of her life.

“Hyuna!” Hyun Woo’s voice was loud, breaking the moment. He pouted, his face flushed from running around. “You’re carrying Luka now?”

“Yeah, why?” Hyuna said, adjusting Luka’s weight on her back. “Jealous?”

Hyun Woo crossed his arms, puffing his cheek. “...Maybe. Think you can carry me too?”

Hyuna snorted, her knees already starting to ache. “You’re twice the size of Lukat, idiot. No way.”

“Aw, come on,” Hyun Woo said, pouting dramatically. “I’ve carried you, and we’re the same size!”

Hyuna rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Fine, but only for a second. I’m not breaking my back for you.”

She crouched down again, letting Luka slide off her back before gesturing for Hyun Woo to get on. “You’d better appreciate this,” she grumbled as he climbed on, wrapping his arms around her neck with far less hesitation than Luka had shown.

Hyuna pushed herself up with a groan, wobbling slightly under his weight. “You’re heavier than you look,” she complained, though there was a grin on her face.

“Hey, you said you’re strong!” Hyun Woo teased, laughing as she took a few unsteady steps.

The other kids cheered and laughed as Hyuna carried him around the courtyard. Luka stood to the side, watching quietly while sucking on his sleeve.

When Hyun Woo finally hopped off, he patted Hyuna’s head like she was the one younger than him. “You’re pretty strong, sis,” he said with a grin. “But don’t push yourself too hard.”

Hyuna pouted, swatting his hand away. “Yeah, yeah. Don’t expect me to do that again anytime soon.”

As the laughter died down, Hyuna and Hyun Woo made their way back to where Luka was lingering. 

As they arrived, “Thanks,” Luka said softly, barely loud enough for her to hear.

Hyuna glanced at him, her brow furrowing slightly. “What for?”

“For… carrying me,” Luka said, his gaze dropping to the ground. 

Hyuna’s expression softened, and she gave him a light punch on the arm that shoved Luka a bit too hard as he had to take a step back to gain his balance. “Don’t mention it,” she said, her tone casual but warm. “That’s what big sisters are for, right?”

Luka didn’t respond, but the look in his eyes said enough. It was a… common occurrence, an unimportant moment back then, but one that would stay with her for years to come.

Hyuna blinked, the memory dissolving into the pale blue of the present. She let out a shaky breath as she moved away from the window. 

Her phone buzzed on the counter behind her, breaking the silence. She didn’t have to check it to know who it was- Mizi or Till, maybe both. They have been… changing a lot lately. Change. Something that rather scared Hyuna, so they tried to be subtle about it. They thought she didn’t notice, but Hyuna noticed everything.

Hyuna picked up her phone, her fingers hesitating above the screen for a moment before she finally unlocked it. As expected, it was a message from Mizi.

 

Mizi

can we come over later? 

till’s being weird.
09:13

 

Hyuna’s lips twitched into a small smile. She could practically hear Mizi through the text. It wasn’t the first time she’d gotten a message like this, and it likely wouldn’t be the last.

 

Weird how?
09:14

 

She set the phone back down on the counter and reached for the kettle, filling it with water. The kettle whistled just as her phone buzzed again. She poured the hot water over the tea leaves in her favorite chipped mug before glancing at the screen.

he’s pacing a lot

muttering stuff

keeps looking at his phone like it owes him money

definitely weird
09:17

 

Hyuna snorted softly, taking a sip of her tea before replying.

 

Sounds normal for him. Bring him over. I’ll straighten him out.
09:18

 

It didn’t take long for Mizi to reply.

you’re the best, unnie!!!

we’ll be there soon
09:18

 

Hyuna placed the phone back down.

Despite everything, she couldn’t help but feel protective of them. They were hers in a way- not by blood, but by circumstance, by choice. She wouldn’t let anyone, not Luka, not anyone, disrupt this fragile sense of stability.

The thought of Luka made her grip tighten around her mug. She set it down carefully, forcing herself to breathe. She wasn’t sure if the memories, the dreams that kept occupying her in her sleep were comforting or suffocating, and maybe that was the point. They were both.

She moved toward the living room, glancing at the clock on the wall. She had an hour or so before they’d show up. Time to get things in order. The cushions on her couch were still scattered around from the night before, and her books lay scattered across the coffee table. She busied herself tidying up, letting her “adult responsibilities” occupy her thoughts.

As she worked, her mind kept wandering back to the courtyard, to Luka’s hesitant smile and Hyun Woo’s playful grin. They had been her world, her family in a place that didn’t offer much else. She’d carried them, in more ways than one, and even now, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she still was.

The knock at the door came earlier than she expected, breaking her from her thoughts. Hyuna wiped her hands on her sweatpants and made her way to the door, opening it to find Mizi and Till standing there. Mizi looked a concerned and annoyed, while Till… Till looked like he hadn’t slept much.

“Hey,” Hyuna said, stepping aside to let them in. “What’s this about?”

“Ask him,” Mizi said, jerking her thumb toward Till as she let herself fall down onto the couch. “He’s been acting like a caged animal all morning.”

Till shot her a glare but didn’t say anything, instead sitting on the ground and leaning towards the coffee table, leaving the other side of the couch empty for Hyuna to sit. His teal eyes seemed… clouded. As if he wasn’t actually seeing anything, just predicting.

Hyuna crossed her arms, sitting down next to Mizi as she studied him. “Alright, spill. What’s got you pacing and muttering?”

Till stood frozen, his gaze locked on the patterns of the carpet beneath him. His hands fidgeted with the sleeves of his hoodie, tugging and twisting the fabric.

“I… -nched Ivan,” he mumbled, his voice barely audible.

Hyuna leaned forward slightly, her sharp blue eyes narrowing. “What was that? Speak up, Till.”

His fingers stilled for a moment, his shoulders tensing. “I said, I… unched Ivan,” he repeated, just loud enough to be heard but still avoiding her gaze.

“Still can’t hear you,” Hyuna said, her tone calm but firm.

Till’s head shot up, frustration flaring in his teal eyes. “I punched Ivan, okay?” he snapped, his voice rising as he kicked the base of the couch in a sudden burst of anger. The hit echoed through the room, the tension he’d been holding onto finally broke free.

Mizi’s head snapped up from where she sat, her eyes widening. “You what? ” she blurted, her voice in disbelief..

Hyuna blinked, unfazed by the outburst. Her arms crossed over her chest as she studied him, her expression unreadable. “Well, that explains why you look like you haven’t slept,” she said dryly.

Till’s fists clenched at his sides, his anger flickering between self directed guilt and frustration at her unimpressed expression. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just-” He cut himself off, his jaw tightening as he looked away.

Hyuna let out a soft sigh, leaning towards him, her voice softer this time. “Alright, Till. Sit down and start from the beginning. What happened?”

Till hesitated, his gaze switching between Mizi and Hyuna before finally settling on the worn edge of the coffee table. “I texted him,” Till began, his voice low and rough. “I told him to meet me at Lotta Seoul, the café near his house. I… I just wanted to talk.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow, her tone skeptical. “Talk about what?”

“About him being at Unsha Entertainment probably,” Mizi answered instead, Till’s head snapping up to glare at her. “And about why Luka’s name keeps popping up in all this.”

Hyuna’s lips pressed into a thin line. She leaned forward, looking at Till now. “And that led to you punching him?”

Till groaned, his hands running through his hair, tugging the roots of his hair as if trying to scrub the memory from his mind. “He kept dodging my questions, alright? I asked him what he was doing there, why everyone online thinks he’s some kind of trainee, and all he did was dance around it. It… it pissed me off.”

“So you thought throwing a punch would get answers?” Mizi asked, crossing her arms. Her tone was less judgmental and more incredulous.

“No!” Till snapped, his voice cracking slightly. He exhaled sharply, his fists tightening in his lap. “I wasn’t trying to- it just… happened. He was all calm and smug, like none of this matters, like Luka’s not a big fucking deal. And when I tried to make him see why this is serious, he…” Till’s voice was getting lower with each word, his anger deflating into something more vulnerable. “He said I was just projecting. That this was all about me, not him.”

Hyuna’s gaze softened slightly. “And was he wrong?”

Till’s head jerked up, his eyes narrowing. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” Hyuna started, “you’ve been carrying a lot of anger about Luka for years. And honestly… that’s on me. I’ve avoided talking about him, avoided explaining everything. You’ve only ever seen the aftermath- what his leaving did to me. But I never really told you the whole story.”

The room fell into an uneasy silence. Till slouched forward, his elbows resting on his knees, as Mizi glanced between him and Hyuna, her usual energy muted. Hyuna stayed quiet for a long while, her blue eyes distant, as though she were looking at something far beyond the worn coffee table in front of them.

Finally, she let out a deep sigh, leaning back against the couch. “I guess it’s about time I told you everything,” she said, her voice quieter than usual. “About Luka. About Hyun Woo. About... everything.”

Till lifted his head slightly, his expression uncertain, but he didn’t interrupt. Mizi shifted in her seat, leaning forward as though afraid she’d miss something important.

Hyuna’s gaze settled on the window. “It started years ago,” she began, her voice steady but with a heaviness that hadn’t been there before. “We were just kids, all of us. Luka, Hyun Woo, and me. The three of us were inseparable- until we weren’t.”

Mizi tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

Hyuna folded her hands in her lap, her grip tight as though holding onto something fragile. “There was a couple who came to the orphanage. They were nice enough, kind of on the younger side. The kind of people you’d hope would take in a kid for sure. They showed interest in Luka right away- he was polite, quiet, sweet in his own way. I thought... I thought they’d pick him for sure.”

“But they didn’t?” Till asked cautiously.

Hyuna shook her head. “Well, they did. But Luka... he refused. I don’t know why. He never explained it to me or Hyun Woo. He just told the social worker he didn’t want to go. He shut down the topic completely after that, wouldn’t talk about it no matter how much we asked.”

Mizi frowned. “So... what happened?”

Hyuna paused for a bit, taking a deep breath.  “The couple didn’t leave empty-handed. They chose Hyun Woo instead.”

The words hung heavy in the air, and for a moment, the only sound was the faint ticking of the clock on the wall before Hyuna exhaled.

“They… adopted Hyun Woo?” Till finally said, his teal eyes wide with disbelief.

Hyuna nodded slowly. “He didn’t want to go at first, not without Luka or me. But Luka convinced him it was okay, that he should go and have a chance at something better. He promised Hyun Woo we’d all stay close, that nothing would change.” She exhaled shakily. “And for a while, it didn’t. Everything was fine for the next two years. We wrote letters, sent pictures. We missed him like hell, but at least still me and  Luka had each other.”

“What changed?” Mizi asked softly, her voice filled with worry.

Hyuna’s gaze darkened. “Luka got adopted. He was sixteen by then, way older than most people want when they’re looking to adopt. It came out of nowhere- a rich man showed up, signed the papers, and Luka was gone just like that. He promised to keep in touch, too, but... he didn’t. I guess he got blinded by the comfort money could provide”

Till frowned, his hands balling into fists. “Yeah, we know about that part. That selfish bastars just-”

“Left me.” Hyuna chuckled angrily, her voice quieter now. “He left, and after that, everything fell apart. I tried writing to him, calling the number the orphanage gave me, but I never got a response. I felt... abandoned. And with Hyun Woo gone too, I was completely alone. That’s when I started looking after you two more. You and Mizi. You were both so little, so... vulnerable. Taking care of you gave me something to hold onto.”

Mizi reached out, placing a hand gently on Hyuna’s arm. “Unnie...”

Hyuna smiled faintly, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “You two kept me going, even when things got harder. And they did. A few months after Luka left, I stopped hearing from Hyun Woo. No more letters, no more calls. Nothing. I tried to find out what happened, but everything was... hidden. No one would tell me anything. It was like he’d just disappeared.”

“What did you do?” Till asked, his voice quieter now.

“I fell apart,” Hyuna admitted, her voice raw. “I fell into this... pit of depression. I felt like I’d failed both of them. But you and Mizi... you were there. You didn’t even understand what was happening, but you stayed by my side, tried to make me laugh, hugged me when I cried. You pulled me out of it without even realizing.”

Mizi’s hand tightened on Hyuna’s arm, her expression soft and sad. “...I’m sorry. I know we were just kids but… I wish we knew what else to do.”

Hyuna smiled faintly. “You did enough.” She shifted, leaning back onto the couch, her eyes moist. “When I turned nineteen, I finally got the truth. Shine told me that Hyun Woo… was dead.” She gulped, words clogging her airways. “He was… killed by his stepfather while trying to protect his stepmother during one of their fights.”

The room went still. Mizi’s eyes filled with tears, and Till’s hands trembled at his sides.

Hyuna’s voice cracked, but she kept going. “I didn’t even know he was in danger. I couldn’t do anything to help him. And Luka... Luka wasn’t there either. He promised us he’d stay close, that he wouldn’t let us be alone, and he broke that promise.”

The heaviness in the room was graspable by hand, Mizi’s quiet sniffles the only sound as Till sat frozen, his jaw clenched.

“For years, I hated him,” Hyuna admitted, her voice low. “Not just for leaving, but for staying gone. For letting me and Hyun Woo fall apart while he... chased whatever he thought was better. I didn’t hear from Luka again until I turned nineteen and left the orphanage. By then, I’d made peace with the fact that he wasn’t coming back.”

She paused, swallowing hard as she glanced at the window again. “But he did come back. Out of nowhere, Luka found me. I was working at that convenience store near the bus terminal. He just walked in one night like it was nothing, smiling like he didn’t vanish for years.”

Mizi swallowed as she sniffled, sobbing slightly. Hyuna put her hand on top of Mizi’s in an attempt to comfort her- comfort herself .

Hyuna let out a dry laugh. “What do you think I did? I yelled at him. Called him every name I could think of. All that anger I’d been holding onto- it just came pouring out. And you know what he did?”

Till shook his head, his teal eyes narrowing. “What?”

“He apologized,” Hyuna said bitterly. “He stood there and apologized like it was supposed to fix everything. Like saying ‘sorry’ was going to bring Hyun Woo back or undo all the years I spent feeling abandoned.”

Mizi frowned, she sobbed while her other hand rested gently on Hyuna’s arm. 

“I wanted to... Forgive him. At least, I thought I did. For a while, I let him back in. We talked, caught up. He told me about being an idol trainee, about the man who adopted him. How he’d had to work his ass off to get where he was.” Her voice tightened. “And he looked so... happy. Like he’d made something of himself while I was left picking up the pieces of what he left behind.”

Till’s fists clenched, his anger visible just beneath the surface. “That bastard.”

Hyuna’s voice trembled as she continued, her gaze fixated on her lap. “The last time I saw him, he was sitting outside my apartment, looking half fucking dead. It was so early in the morning, and I’d just gotten off a shift. I remember thinking he looked... small. Not like the idol the world sees, not like the Luka who left us. Just... I don’t know.”

Mizi sniffled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “Unnie... what happened?”

Hyuna let out a shaky breath. “I wanted to send him away. I was so angry. But he was freezing, and he looked so desperate... I let him in.” She shook her head, a bitter smile tugging at her lips. “He told me he couldn’t take it anymore. The agency, the fans, the cameras. He said it wasn’t his life, that he felt like he was living someone else’s script.”

Till scoffed, getting up to start pacing the room. “And he thought that was your problem to solve?”

Hyuna shrugged, her hands tightening around the fabric of her sweatpants. “I told him it wasn’t fair. That he didn’t get to come back and expect me to fix him after everything he’d done. And you know what he said?” Her voice cracked, her blue eyes glistening with unshed tears. “He said I was the only real thing left in his life. That I was the only one who knew him before all of this.”

Mizi tilted her head, her brow furrowed. “What did you say?”

“I told him the truth,” Hyuna said, her voice cold and heavy. “That I hated him. That he left me and Hyun Woo when we needed him most. And that if it had been him instead of Hyun Woo... Hyun Woo would still be alive.”

Mizi practically gasped, her hand flying to her mouth, while Till froze mid-pace, his teal eyes wide. “You said that to him?” he asked.

Hyuna nodded, her jaw tight. “I was so angry. I wanted to hurt him, to make him feel even a fraction of what I felt. And he just... took it. He didn’t argue, didn’t fight back. He said, “I know,” and then... he left.”

Mizi wiped at her tears again, her voice trembling. “He didn’t even try to explain himself?”

“No,” Hyuna said softly, her gaze distant. “At the time, I thought it was because he didn’t care. I thought he was just running away again. But now... now I wonder if it was something else.”

Till clenched his fists. “Why would he come back at all if he was just going to leave again? It’s like he wanted to mess with your head.”

“Maybe,” Hyuna said. “Or maybe he thought it was his way of making things right. But he never stayed long enough to explain, and I never let him.”

She paused, her fingers gripping her sweatpants tightly. “There was something he said before he left that’s been stuck in my head ever since. He looked at me, and his voice... it sounded different. Like he was scared. He said, “For what it’s worth, I never wanted to leave you. Not then. Not now” ”

Till’s teal eyes snapped to her. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know,” Hyuna admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “At the time, I thought it was just his way of trying to make himself look like the victim. But now... now I think there was more to it. Something he didn’t tell me.”

Mizi tilted her head, her expression thoughtful through her tears. “Do you think he was hiding something? Like... maybe he wasn’t as happy as he seemed?”

Hyuna let out a humorless laugh, shaking her head. “I don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that I hated him for leaving, and I hated him even more for coming back. But now I wonder if I should’ve just... listened.”

The room fell into silence. Mizi leaned against Hyuna’s shoulder, offering quiet comfort, while Till stood abruptly, pacing back and forth like a caged mongoose.

“This doesn’t change anything,” Till muttered, his voice tight. “He still left. He still abandoned you- abandoned Hyun Woo. Nothing can undo that.”

“I know,” Hyuna said softly. “And I’m not asking you to forgive him- you guys know him as the guy that put me through everything, after all. I don’t think I’ve forgiven him either. But... I can’t keep carrying this anger. It’s exhausting, Till. It’s been exhausting for years.”

Till stopped in his tracks, his fists clenched at his sides. “So what? You’re just going to let it go? Just like that?”

Hyuna shook her head. “It’s not that simple. But I think... I think I need to know the whole truth before I can decide how to feel. I need to understand why he left, why he came back, and why he said the things he did. And maybe, just maybe, that’ll help me move on.”

Mizi lifted her head, her eyes a little red. “Do you think Luka would tell you if you asked him now?”

Hyuna hesitated, her lips pressing into a thin line. “I don’t know. He’s so hard to pin down, and I don’t even know where he is right now. But... maybe it’s time I tried.”

Till scoffed, crossing his arms. “You’re seriously thinking about reaching out to him? After everything he’s done?”

“Yes,” Hyuna said firmly, her voice stronger now. “Because if I don’t, I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering. And I’m tired of wondering.”

Mizi hesitated, chewing her bottom lip before speaking. “What if.. Ivan could help?”

Hyuna blinked, her brows furrowing. “Ivan? What does he have to do with this?”

Mizi shifted uncomfortably, stealing a quick glance at Till. His entire body had gone stiff the moment Ivan’s name left her mouth, his teal eyes hard as they focused on a random spot on the wall. She pressed on cautiously.

“He was photographed leaving Unsha Entertainment,” Mizi said. “Maybe he can... get him to talk to you again? He’s smart, unnie. He could help us figure out what’s going on with Luka.”

Till let out a sharp, bitter laugh, drawing both their attention. “Help us?” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Right. Because Ivan’s just dying to stick his stupid nose into my business all the fucking time.”

Mizi frowned, her shoulders tensing. “Why not? He’s already caught up in this whether he likes it or not. People are dragging his name into the rumors, and if anyone can figure out a way to get Luka talking, it’s Ivan.”

Till scoffed, his laugh sharp and bitter. “Oh, yeah. Let’s just throw Ivan around like bait and hope Luka takes the damn hint. Great plan, Mizi.”

“Stop twisting my words,” Mizi snapped, her voice rising in frustration. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

Hyuna raised a hand, her tone calm but firm. “Enough, both of you. Till, what’s your problem with this?”

Till’s jaw tightened. “My problem is that Ivan doesn’t belong in this mess. He doesn’t know anything about Luka, about Hyun Woo, about any of it. And dragging him into it just because he walked out of the wrong building at the wrong time? It’s stupid.”

Mizi crossed her arms, her gaze steady. “You’re so full of it. This isn’t about keeping Ivan out of it- it’s about you being too stubborn to face him after throwing a punch at him.”

Till’s fists clenched at his sides, his voice dropping to a dangerous level. “Careful, Mizi.”

“Oh, come on, Till,” Mizi shot back, her frustration boiling over. “You can act tough all you want, but we all know why you’re avoiding him. You’re embarrassed because you couldn’t handle your own feelings, and now you’re taking it out on everyone else.”

Till’s teal eyes snapped to her, anger and hurt flashing across his face. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Mizi got up as she stepped closer, her tone softening to not hurt Till but not losing any of its determination. “Don’t I? You’re not mad at Ivan because of Luka or some stupid rumors. You’re mad because you’re too fucking stubborn to admit what you feel about him!”

Hyuna watched the exchange in silence, her sharp eyes narrowing as she studied Till. “Is that true?” she asked quietly.

Till looked away, his jaw tightening as he tried to find the right words. “It doesn’t matter,” he muttered, his voice barely audible.

“It does matter,” Mizi pressed, her voice firm. “Because if you can’t get past this, we’re not going to get anywhere. You can’t keep letting your issues with Ivan hold this back.”

Hyuna nodded, her gaze steady. “Mizi’s right. We don’t have to drag Ivan into this if you don’t want to, Till. But you need to be honest with yourself about why you’re so against it.”

Till exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair. “Fine,” he muttered, his voice tilted. “You want honesty? I don’t want Ivan involved because I don’t trust him. Not with this.”

Mizi’s brows furrowed in confusion. “You don’t trust him? Till, he’s done nothing but prove himself over and over again.”

“It’s not about what he’s done,” Till said, his voice cracking slightly. “It’s about what he hasn’t. He hasn’t told me what he was doing at Unsha. He hasn’t told me why he was even near Luka in the first place. And if he’s keeping secrets, how the hell am I supposed to trust him with this ?”

Hyuna tilted her head, her expression thoughtful. “Have you even asked him? Or are you just assuming he won’t tell you?”

Till hesitated, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. “I tried,” he admitted. “But he wouldn’t give me a straight answer.”

Mizi sighed. “Maybe he didn’t know how to. Did you even give him a chance, or did you just… blow up?”

Till blushed, thinking about what led to the punch. “I don’t know,” he muttered, his voice low.

Hyuna leaned forward, her tone gentle but firm. “Then try again. Talk to him, Till. It doesn’t have to be about Luka or Unsha- talk to him about what’s really going on. If you don’t, this isn’t just going to hurt him. It’s going to hurt you more.”

Till didn’t respond immediately, his gaze fixed on the floor as he wrestled with his emotions. Finally, he nodded, his movements stiff and reluctant. “Fine. I’ll talk to him.”

Mizi smiled faintly, relief flickering in her eyes. “Good. Because whether you like it or not, we need him. And so do you.”

Till shot her a glare, but it lacked the usual annoyance. “Don’t push your luck.”

Hyuna stood up, placing a hand on Till’s shoulder. “You’ve got this,” she said simply. “Just be honest. With him, and with yourself.”

Till exhaled slowly. He didn’t know if he was ready to face Ivan when the fight was this fresh, but he knew one thing for sure, he couldn’t keep running forever.

Chapter 36: sos

Summary:

“Is that…” Till started, his voice faltering. He gestured vaguely toward Ivan’s chin, his hand half-lifting from his hoodie pocket.

Ivan glanced at him, eyebrows raised in confusion at first, before realizing what Till was referring to. His fingers brushed the edge of the bandage. “Oh, this?” he said, his voice light, but there was something teasing in his tone. “Yeah. Your handiwork.”

“I’m sorry,” Till blurted out, breaking the silence. His voice sounded louder than he’d intended. “For, uh… punching you.”

Ivan slowed his steps slightly, turning to face him with a small, almost teasing smile. “You’re sorry for punching me?”

don’t respond

Hey. 

Can we talk?

Yesterday, 22:23

I know you're mad. Please, just let me explain.

Yesterday, 23:18

I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say, but I am. Please, just text back.

01:04

I can’t stop thinking about what happened. Let’s meet. Anywhere you want.

06:37

We still have to finish the song. Remember? Or did you already give up on it?

08:14

Please.

15:56

 

Till’s thumb hovered over the screen, his heart beating like crazy in his chest. The mention of the song stung more than he cared to admit. He hadn’t given up on it- how could he? It was more than just a song, it was theirs . But facing Ivan meant dealing with everything that came with him: the guilt, the vulnerability, the stupid feelings Till had no control over.

If you hate me, just say it. At least I’ll know where we stand.

18:32

 

Till let out a shaky breath, leaning back in his chair as he stared up at the ceiling. He didn’t hate Ivan- not even close. But he didn’t know how to face him either. Not when his own emotions were like this, not when he was barely keeping it together himself.

Another buzz. This time, the preview of the message caught his eye.

I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID I WANT TO STAY BY YOUR SIDE

Sorry, caps.

20:34

Please, Till. 

20:35

 

Till clenched his jaw, the words echoing in his mind. He knew he couldn’t keep ignoring Ivan forever. But was he ready to face him now, when the wound was still fresh, when every part of him felt raw and exposed?

He leaned forward, dropping the phone onto the nightstand as he felt like it burned him to touch it. His hands went through his hair, tugging at the roots as his mind started playing back to the last 48 hours- he fight that felt like a punch to his own gut, not just Ivan’s chin.

He could still feel the tension in the air of that cafe. Ivan had looked so composed, so maddeningly calm, while Till had been a mess of anger, confusion, and desperation. The memory of his own fist connecting with Ivan’s jaw made him sick now. He hadn’t meant to lose control like that. Ivan didn’t deserve it. But at that moment, it had felt like the only way to make him understand how much this all mattered.

It wasn’t just about Luka. It wasn’t just about Unsha Entertainment. It was about the way Ivan refused to let him in, even as he insisted they could figure things out together. How could they, when Ivan was always holding something back?

And then there was Mizi’s voice from the day before, cutting through his defenses like a knife.

"You’re mad because you’re too fucking stubborn to admit what you feel about him."

Till groaned, slamming his fist lightly against the pillow. It wasn’t true- was it? It couldn’t be. His frustration with Ivan wasn’t about some stupid crush, it was about trust. About the way Ivan had walked into his life, carefully built himself a space in Till’s world, only to let cracks form between them with secrets and lies.

But then Ivan’s texts played on repeat in his mind.

"I meant it when I said I want to stay by your side."

The words lingered, almost painfully so, finding its way into the vulnerable parts of Till he fought so hard to protect. He didn’t know how to… face the Ivan he was furious with, and the Ivan who sent those texts. The Ivan who looked at him like he was the center of the world one moment, and the Ivan who left questions hanging in the air the next.

“Shit,” Till muttered under his breath. He wasn’t angry anymore. Not at Ivan, at least.

He was angry at himself.

Angry for pushing Ivan away when all he wanted was to pull him closer. Angry for not knowing how to close the gap between their hearths without making everything worse. Angry for caring so much it hurt.

Till picked up his phone again, staring at the thread of unanswered messages. His thumb hovered over the keyboard, hesitating as doubt crept in. What if texting back made everything worse? What if they couldn’t fix this?

No.

He shook his head, inhaling sharply. Running away wasn’t the answer, and ignoring Ivan wouldn’t make the mess disappear. If anything, it would only deepen the rift.

Till typed slowly, his heart pounding with every letter.

 

don’t respond

i don’t hate you

let’s meet.

21:45

 

He hit send before he could second-guess himself, then tossed the phone onto the bed like it might explode. It was terrifying, sure. Vulnerable, definitely. But it felt like a start. For the first time in two days, Till allowed himself to breathe- at least until Ivan responded back. 

 

Should I come by the orphanage? 

What’s the address?

21:46

not now you dumb fuck

21:48

Please.

21:48

 

He groaned and shut his phone off, tossing it into the pocket. Ivan’s face- his stupid, calm, kind face, refused to leave his mind. 

With a sharp exhale, Till swung his legs over the side of the bed and pulled on a hoodie. He had to figure out where to meet Ivan, but more importantly, he needed a way to bring him to the orphanage without stirring up a lecture from Shine.

The thought of facing Shine sent a different kind of anxiety through him. She wasn’t unreasonable- far from it. But she’d know something was up, and he wasn’t sure how much he could get away with.

Till headed downstairs, the faint sound of the younger kids chattering drifting in from the common room. The faint scent of cooking wafted through the hall, and he caught sight of Shine standing by the kitchen counter, her sleeves rolled up, making coffee. She looked up at the sound of his footsteps.

Till hesitated, leaning awkwardly against the doorframe. “Uh… I need to ask you something.”

Shine raised her head, then back to the coffee as she continued stirring it. “Go on.”

He chewed on his inner cheek, trying to find the words. “So… a friend of mine from school- uh, Ivan, needs to come over. We forgot about this group assignment, and it’s kind of last minute, so… Can I go outside for a bit?”

Shine’s brows furrowed. “You’ve never mentioned an Ivan before.”

“Well, yeah, I don’t talk about school much,” Till said quickly, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s the guy you shook hands with during christmas. He’s, uh… really smart. Honor roll type of shit- sorry, language. He’s helping me with this project.”

Shine crossed her arms, studying him with suspicion and curiosity. “And why can’t you work on it somewhere else? A café, maybe?”

“It’s late,” Till said. “And I can’t really go anywhere with curfew. Besides, I don’t think I’ll get back into a café without ordering something, and I’m broke.”

Shine’s gaze softened slightly, though her skepticism didn’t leave entirely. “What’s the real reason, Till?”

He let out a long breath, dropping his arms to his sides. “Fine. I need to fix something with him, okay? There was… a misunderstanding. I might’ve been a bit of an ass, and I just need to make things right.”

Shine raised a brow, her stern expression softening. “Ah, so this is less about an assignment and more about patching things up with your friend?”

“Yeah,” Till admitted, his voice low. “I just need a little time. That’s all.”

Shine sighed, shaking her head with a small smile. “You’re lucky I’m feeling generous tonight. Fine. He can come over. But if you guys are loud or make a mess, you’re cleaning it up.”

Till nodded quickly, relief washing over him. “Thanks, Shine. You’re the best.”

She chuckled softly, waving him off. “Go on. Tell your “friend” to bring his smartass over here.”

Till turned, heading towards the main door of the orphanage before Shine could change her mind. His heart raced as he grabbed his phone from his pocket, powering it on. The screen lit up with Ivan’s last message.

 

don’t respond

Please.

21:48

 

Till stared at it for a moment before finally typing.

 

XXXXXXXXX 239

get here quickly, i will wait by the door

22:03

I’ll be there in 20 minutes.

22:04

????

it takes at least 30 minutes by car?

22:04

I already left my house the second you responded,

My driver is dropping me off.

22:05

 

Till stared at the last message, his face instantly heating up. He left the second I responded? He groaned, dropping his head into his hands as if that would somehow cool the warmth creeping up his neck.

“Stupid Ivan,” he muttered under his breath, his voice muffled against his palms. Who does that?

He paced back and forth near the door, his mind racing with conflicting thoughts. He wasn’t sure if he was annoyed, flattered, or just embarrassed. Probably all three. The idea of Ivan sitting in a car, rushing through the cold Seoul night just to see him, made his chest tighten in a way he wasn’t ready to unpack.

“Twenty minutes,” Till whispered, glancing at his phone. “What kind of rich kid driver gets him here that fast?”

His pacing slowed as he leaned against the doorframe, peeking out through the small glass window at the dark, quiet street outside. The orphanage sat around a more secluded part of the city, away from the lights and sounds of the city of Seoul. Here, the streets were mostly empty, with only the occasional car passing by, headlights casting brief beams of light over the frosted pavement.

The cold seeped through the cracks of the door, but Till barely noticed. His thoughts were too preoccupied with what he’d say when Ivan arrived. Would he apologize? Start with something casual? Make a joke to ease the tension? None of it felt right.

By the time he heard the distant hum of a car engine, his heart was pounding again. A sleek black car turned the corner, its headlights cutting through the darkness. It slowed to a stop just outside the orphanage, and the door opened. Ivan stepped out, his tall frame against the glow of the streetlights. He had his signature composure- cool and confident, but his eyes moved  around, scanning the area until they landed on Till.

Till pushed the door open and stepped outside, the chill of the night air hitting him immediately. He shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets, trying to hide how nervous he felt. “You made it,” he called out, his voice steady despite the chaos inside his head.

Ivan closed the car door and gave a small wave as the vehicle drove off. “Told you I’d be here fast,” he said, a faint smile tugging at his lips.

Till rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching upward despite his thought. “You didn’t have to break the sound barrier to get here.”

Ivan chuckled softly as he approached, his breath visible in the cold air. “Well, you finally texted back. I wasn’t about to waste any time.”

Till looked away, his cheeks burning. “Yeah, whatever.”

They stood there for a moment, the quiet of the street settling around them. Ivan glanced at the orphanage, then back at Till. “So… are we going inside, or…?”

“No,” Till said quickly, shaking his head. “It’s late, and Shine’ll kill me if we make too much noise. Let’s walk.”

Ivan nodded without hesitation, falling into step beside Till as they moved down the empty street. The cold bit at their exposed skin, but neither seemed to mind. Their footsteps echoed faintly in the stillness, the soft crunch of frost beneath their shoes the only sound for a while.

Till glanced at Ivan from the corner of his eye, taking in the way his breath puffed out in small clouds and the way his hands were shoved deep into his coat pockets. He looked calm, as always, but there was a tension in his shoulders that hadn’t been there before.

It wasn’t until they passed beneath the glow of a streetlamp that Till noticed it. His gaze moved to Ivan’s face, and his breath hitched. Just below Ivan’s lip, at the spot where his jawline met his chin, was a small rectangular bandage.

Till’s stomach twisted. The bandage wasn’t big, but it stood out against Ivan’s pale skin, a reminder of the punch Till had thrown two days ago. He knew it shouldn’t still bother him- Ivan had shrugged it off, after all- but seeing it now, the guilt rose fresh and hot in his chest.

“Is that…” Till started, his voice faltering. He gestured vaguely toward Ivan’s chin, his hand half-lifting from his hoodie pocket.

Ivan glanced at him, eyebrows raised in confusion at first, before realizing what Till was referring to. His fingers brushed the edge of the bandage. “Oh, this?” he said, his voice light, but there was something teasing in his tone. “Yeah. Your handiwork.”

“I’m sorry,” Till blurted out, breaking the silence. His voice sounded louder than he’d intended. “For, uh… punching you.”

Ivan slowed his steps slightly, turning to face him with a small, almost teasing smile. “You’re sorry for punching me?”

“Well, yeah,” Till said, his tone defensive. “I shouldn’t have done it.”

Ivan’s smile softened. “I deserved it.”

“No, you didn’t,” Till muttered, his gaze fixed on the ground. “I was out of line. I just… I didn’t know how else to make you understand how frustrated I was.”

They stopped walking. Ivan tilted his head, his expression thoughtful. “And now? Are you still frustrated?”

Till hesitated, his hands clenching inside his pockets. “A little,” he admitted. “But not at you.”

Ivan took a step closer, his crimson pupils searching Till’s face. “Then what is it?”

Till looked up at him, the words caught in his throat. He wanted to tell Ivan everything- the anger, the guilt, the confusion, but instead, he just sighed. “It’s complicated.”

Ivan studied Till’s face. “I’m not afraid of complicated,” he said softly. “Just tell me, Till.”

Till’s breath hitched at the way Ivan said his name, so sure and yet so gentle. He looked away, his teal eyes scanning the empty street as if it might offer him an escape. But there was no escape, not from this- this pull that Ivan had on him, this unbearable weight of feelings he’d tried so hard to ignore.

“You don’t get it,” Till muttered, his voice low. “It’s not just Luka, or Unsha, or whatever else. It’s… you.”

“Me?” Ivan’s voice softened, but there was a hint of something else there- hope, maybe.

Till nodded, his fists clenching in his pockets. “Yeah, you. You drive me insane. You’re too… fucking annoying. You’re always so calm, so… perfect. And I’m-” He stopped, biting his lower lip as he let out a sharp breath. “I’m a mess, Ivan. And when you don’t let me in, when you keep secrets-”

“I’m not trying to keep you out,” Ivan interrupted, his voice firm. He stepped closer, close enough that Till could feel the warmth radiating from him even in the freezing air. “I’m just scared. Scared of messing this up, scared of losing you.”

Till’s chest tightened at what felt like honesty in Ivan’s voice. He looked up, meeting those crimson pupils that seemed to see straight through him, and for once, he didn’t look away.

“I don’t hate you,” Till said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Ivan’s lips parted slightly, his breath visible in the cold as his eyes softened. “Then what are you so afraid of?”

Till’s throat worked as he tried to swallow the lump forming there. “This,” he admitted, his voice shaking. “Feeling this way about you. Wanting you so much it scares me.”

For a moment, neither of them moved, the tension as sharp as the frost clinging to the pavement. Till felt exposed, like he’d just cracked himself open and handed Ivan every vulnerable part of him on a silver platter.

Ivan finally spoke, his voice soft but unwavering. “Till... I-”

“Stop” Till interrupted, taking a step back. His teal eyes burned, frustration building up as heat rose to his cheeks. “Don’t do that thing where you dance around the truth and make it sound like you’re being honest. Just tell me what the hell is going on with Unsha.”

Ivan blinked, his composure slipping away for a split second before he took a deep breath. “It’s not that simple.”

“Bullshit,” Till snapped, his voice rising. “You’re the one who said you didn’t want to lose me, right? So stop hiding behind excuses and just say it. Why the hell were you at Unsha? What are you not telling me?”

Ivan looked away, his jaw tightening. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, and Till could see the tension in his shoulders again, the same tension he’d noticed when Ivan first stepped out of the car.

“I told you,” Ivan said quietly. “I can’t explain it yet. Not until I-”

“Not until what?” Till cut him off, his voice cracking. “Not until I punch you again? Not until this whole thing blows up in your face? What’s it going to take for you to stop treating me like some idiot who can’t handle the truth?”

Ivan flinched at the sharpness in Till’s tone, his crimson pupils flickering with something Till couldn’t quite place- guilt, maybe. Or fear.

“It’s not about you not being able to handle it,” Ivan said, his voice strained. “It’s about me trying to figure it out first. I don’t even know the whole story yet, Till.”

“That’s not good enough!” Till snapped, his frustration taking over. He took one more step back, not wanting to attack Ivan again. “You want me to trust you, but you’re still keeping secrets! How am I supposed to believe you when you can’t even tell me what’s going on?”

Ivan’s expression didn’t change, though his usual calm gaze seemed to be cracking under Till’s anger. “Do you really think I want to keep things from you?” he said, his voice low, eyebrows rising upwards. “Do you think it’s easy for me to look you in the eye and not tell you everything?”

“Then why don’t you?” Till shot back, his teal eyes blazing. “What the hell are you so afraid of?”

Ivan hesitated, his breath coming out in short, visible bursts, and for a moment, Till thought he wasn’t going to answer. But then Ivan spoke, his voice quiet.

“Are you or Mizi related to Luka?”

The question hit Till like… a punch to the gut, or throat, or dick- something that knocked the breath out of him. His eyes widened, and for a moment, all he could do was stare at Ivan in stunned silence.

“What?” he finally managed to choke out.

Ivan’s gaze was steady now, his black eyes boring into Till’s teal ones. “Are you or Mizi related to Luka somehow?” he repeated, his voice careful, “Because if you are, I need to know. It’s important.”

Till blinked, frozen in place. Related to Luka? What the fuck was he even talking about?

“Why would you even ask that?” Till asked finally. His brain was scrambling for something to say, but nothing made sense. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

Ivan didn’t back down, his gaze locked on Till. “It’s just… Luka asked about you. And Mizi.”

That snapped Till out of his daze. “What?” His voice was louder than he meant it to be, echoing down the empty street as he furrowed his eyebrows.

Ivan flinched at the outburst but stayed calm. “A few weeks ago… Luka asked me if I knew anyone named Till or Mizi at my school.”

Till’s heart was pounding now, his chest tightening. Why the hell would Luka be asking about them? His mind immediately jumped to Hyuna, to the stories she’d shared, the pain Luka had caused her. If Luka was sniffing around now, there had to be a reason- and not a good one.

“You’re kidding,” Till muttered, running a hand through his hair. “This has to be some kind of joke.”

“It’s not,” Ivan said, his tone dead serious. “He brought it up during a… a gala. I didn’t think much of it at first, but now…” Ivan hesitated, his jaw tightening. “I am scared it would cause you unhappiness.”

Till’s mind was racing, too many pieces of the puzzle suddenly clicking together in ways he didn’t like. Luka was asking about them. Ivan’s dad was involved. And he couldn’t ignore what Hyuna had told him about Luka’s past.

Till hesitated, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want to drag Ivan into this any deeper, but he also knew he couldn’t handle this alone. And if Luka was involved, Hyuna needed answers- hell, they all did.

“Okay,” Till said finally, his voice quieter now. “Look… Mizi and I aren’t related to Luka. But we know him.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow, his expression shifting from suspicion to curiosity. “How?”

Till looked down. “It’s complicated. He… he used to be in the same orphanage as me, Mizi, and Hyuna.”

Ivan’s eyes widened slightly at the mention of the orphanage. “So that’s the connection?”

“Yeah,” Till admitted, his voice tinged with frustration. “He left years ago. And now, out of nowhere, he’s asking about us?”

Ivan nodded slowly, his expression thoughtful. “That’s why you’ve been so tense about all this. It’s personal.”

“Damn right it’s personal,” Till muttered. “He put Hyuna through hell.”

Ivan stayed quiet for a moment, his gaze fixed on Till as if he were piecing something together. Finally, he let out a soft sigh. “There’s something else you should know.”

Till tensed. “What now?”

“My dad,” Ivan started, his voice hesitant but firm, “is the chairman of Unsha Entertainment.”

Till stared at him, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. “Your dad is what?”

Ivan looked away, his hands shoved deep into his coat pockets. “Yeah. That’s why I was at Unsha. I don’t have anything to do with Luka directly, but… when he brought you and Mizi up, I knew something was off. I just didn’t know what.”

Till ran a hand through his hair again, pacing in a tight circle. “The fuck, Ivan? You couldn’t have mentioned that earlier?”

“I didn’t think it mattered.” Ivan said defensively. “Not until Luka started connecting dots that didn’t make sense.”

Till stopped, turning to face him, his teal eyes burning. “And you thought keeping it a secret was the smart move?”

Ivan sighed. “I didn’t keep it a secret to hurt you, okay? I was scared it’d make things worse. You’ve already got enough going on, Till, and I didn’t want to dump this on you and cause… I didn’t know if it would cause you like- more stress? Or pain.”

Till crossed his arms, glaring at him. “You thought not telling me would help? Finding out like this doesn’t exactly feel great.”

“I get that,” Ivan said quickly, his black eyes softening as he stepped closer. “But it’s not like I planned for Luka to bring you and Mizi up at all. And when he did, I didn’t even know how to handle it myself. My first thought was… what if I screw this up and make everything worse for you?”

Till hesitated, his frustration leaving his body at how soft Ivan’s voice was. He shifted awkwardly, looking down at the frost covered pavement. “You really thought it’d hurt me that much?”

Ivan nodded. “Yeah. I… don’t really understand feelings. I mess things up sometimes, which is why I… pretended to be normal my whole life. But I don’t wanna pretend around you, Till. I don’t want to hurt you, either.”

Till’s jaw tightened, his emotions swirling as he tried to process everything. He hated that Ivan sounded so sincere, so damn caring, because it made it harder to stay mad. He let out a sharp exhale. “Fine. But next time, don’t hold back, okay? If there’s something I need to know, just say it.”

“Deal,” Ivan said, a small, relieved smile tugging at his lips. “No more secrets.”

They stood there for a moment, the cold air settling between them. Till’s mind was still racing, though, and his thoughts circled back to one thing Ivan had said earlier. He glanced at him, his teal eyes narrowing slightly. “So… your dad’s the chairman of Unsha, huh?”

Ivan tensed, sensing the shift in Till’s tone. “Yeah,” he said cautiously. “Why?”

Till tilted his head, a mischievous smirk forming. “And here I was, worried about hooking up with a guy. Turns out, I should’ve been worried about hooking up with a rich guy.”

Ivan froze, caught off guard, heat started rising up his cheeks. “What?”

Till’s smirk grew, and he leaned slightly closer, enjoying Ivan’s flustered reaction though he was blushing himself. “You know, all that privilege and wealth. What if I can’t keep up, huh? Gotta step up my game now.”

Ivan blinked rapidly, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to process Till’s words. His cheeks were already tinged pink from the cold, but now the flush was spreading, making him look even more caught off guard. “What are you even talking about?” he blurted, his usual composure completely slipping.

“You heard me,” Till said, his smirk widening as he took a step closer. He was enjoying this way too much. “What if I’m not good enough for some rich kid with fancy connections? Gotta keep up appearances, right?”

Ivan’s lips parted slightly, his breath visible in the cold as he tried to find a response. “That’s… not… you’re ridiculous,” he muttered, looking away for a moment, clearly flustered.

“Ridiculous, huh?” Till teased, leaning in a little more, his teal eyes sparkling with mischief. “So you’re not denying it, then? That you’ve got a thing for me?”

Ivan’s gaze snapped back to him, and for a moment, he just stared, his crimson pupils widening. “You’re acting like this is news.” he said, his voice low, but whatever he was about to say was cut off by Till’s words.

“It’s not, but-”

Before Till could finish, Ivan moved. His hands shot up, grabbing Till by the sides of his hoodie and pulling him forward. Their lips collided, and for a second, Till froze, caught off guard by the sudden warmth. The cold air around them seemed to vanish, replaced by the heat of Ivan’s mouth pressing against his.

Ivan’s hands slid under Till’s hoodie, his cold fingers brushing against the warm skin of Till’s waist, making him shiver. The contrast was electric, and Till couldn’t stop the small gasp that escaped him.

Till opened his mouth to try and fight back with his tongue, but Ivan’s hands tightened on his waist, pulling him closer, and whatever comeback he’d been planning melted into nothing. His hands hovered awkwardly at Ivan’s shoulders before he gave in, gripping the fabric of Ivan’s coat as he kissed back.

The kiss deepened, Ivan’s lips moving against Till’s with a hunger that made Till’s knees feel weak. Ivan tilted his head slightly, his tongue teasing Till’s chapped lips until Till parted them, letting him in. It was messy and hot, and Till hated how much he liked it.

When Ivan finally pulled back, he was breathing heavy.  His lips hovered just above Till’s. “You drive me insane, you know that?” he whispered, his voice rough.

“I do, actually,” Till shot back, grabbing the back of Ivan’s next to prepare for the next move.

Ivan’s lips curved into a small smirk, and before Till could stop him, he dipped his head, aiming for Till’s neck. The first press of his lips against Till’s skin sent a jolt through him, and he immediately squirmed.

“Stop!” Till hissed, pulling Ivan’s hair back. “No hickeys!”

Ivan pulled back just enough to raise his eyebrows, his lips pouting. “Why not?”

“Because it’s embarrassing, that’s why,” Till muttered, his cheeks burning.

Ivan chuckled softly, the sound low and teasing. “You weren’t embarrassed last time.”

“Yeah, well, last time I didn’t even know you were leaving hickeys” Till grumbled, crossing his arms defensively over his chest. “So don’t even think about it.”

Ivan’s hands were still under Till’s hoodie, his thumbs brushing over his skin in a way that m

ade Till’s shift from cold every now and that. “Fine,” Ivan said, though the mischievous glint in his eyes suggested he wasn’t giving up entirely. “But you owe me.”

“Owe you?” Till scoffed, trying to ignore the way his heart was racing. “For what?”

“For this,” Ivan said simply, leaning in to steal another kiss, softer this time but no less heated. He pulled back, kissing the side of Till’s lips this time. “Do you think I could suck you off in the car? I’m pretty sure my driver will keep quiet-”

Till's face turned an impossible shade of red, his teal eyes wide as he slapped a hand over Ivan’s mouth. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence!” he hissed, glancing around the empty street like someone might materialize out of nowhere and hear them.

Ivan’s eyes sparkled with amusement above Till’s hand, and he mumbled something incomprehensible against his palm. Just as Till narrowed his eyes, Ivan licked his palm- Till groaned and dropped his hand, already regretting it. “Do you even think before you say this shit?”

Ivan just grinned, utterly unbothered. “What? I’m just saying. The car’s tinted, and it’s not like the driver would care-”

“Oh my God, stop talking,” Till groaned, trying to get back.

Ivan reacted almost immediately, smoothly stepping closer again as his hands found their way back under Till’s hoodie, resting on his back. “Will you let me touch you more if I do?.”

Till shivered, his body betraying him as the warmth of Ivan’s palms sent a jolt through him. Trying to regain some kind of control back, he spoke. “Freak.”

Chapter 37: team-up

Summary:

Sua’s eyes flicked toward the kitchen, where Ivan and Till were engrossed in their chaotic attempts at drink making. Ivan moved carefully, trying to be precise, while Till darted around like he was on a game show timer. The sight made her stomach twist slightly. Ivan seemed to fit right in- his calm, easy going behaviour balancing perfectly against Till’s frantic energy and Hyuna’s sharp demeanour. Meanwhile, she felt like she was just… there.

Mizi must have noticed the shift in her expression because she gave Sua’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Hey,” Mizi murmured softly. “You okay?”

Sua hesitated, glancing at Mizi’s warm eyes before forcing a small smile. “Yeah.”

The apartment door creaked as it opened, and Ivan hesitated before stepping in to follow Till. The space was smaller than he’d expected, though maybe that was the weight of the stares already pressing on him. Hyuna stood by the window, arms crossed, her sharp eyes locking onto him like a hawk spotting prey. She wasn’t glaring exactly, but there was no warmth in her gaze.

“Hello,” Ivan said, his voice quieter than he’d planned.

“Shoes, Ivan.” Tilk warned as if he was already in the process of taking his shoes off, while Ivan nodded and did as he said.

Hyuna raised a brow, glancing at Till, who went by the tiny kitchen counter after taking off his shoes. “This is Ivan?” she asked.

Ivan blinked, caught off guard. “We’ve met before,” he said quickly, as if that might help. “At the Christmas showcase, remember?”

“Oh, I remember,” Hyuna said, leaning back against the wall. “You’re the one who kept hovering around Till and Mizi like a lost puppy. Guess I should’ve paid more attention.”

“Hyuna,” Till muttered, his tone low, almost warning. He didn’t look at Ivan, his teal eyes fixed on the floor, a little embarrassed. “He’s here to help.”

“Help, huh?” Hyuna pushed off the wall and crossed the room in a few quick steps, stopping a few feet in front of Ivan. She looked him up and down, like she was sizing him up. “Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t trust you. I don’t care how many songs you write with Till or how many hickeys you give him. If you mess this up, it’s on you.”

“Hyuna!” Till squirmed from the counter, blushing at the mention of hickeys.

“Understood,” Ivan said, his expression steady. He wasn’t going to argue, she had every right to doubt him.

Hyuna turned back to Till. “So, what’s the plan? Why’s he even here?”

Till finally looked up, his gaze darting between Hyuna and Ivan. “He knows Luka.”

Hyuna froze, her eyebrows rising. “What do you mean, “knows”?”

Ivan cleared his throat. “Luka mentioned Till and Mizi to me a few weeks ago. I didn’t tell him anything, but it didn’t sit right with me. Till thought… maybe I could help you talk to him?”

Hyuna’s eyes narrowed as she turned back to Ivan. “And how exactly are you supposed to do that? Luka doesn’t just listen to anyone.”

“I have access to people he works with.” Ivan admitted. “My dad’s the chairman of Unsha Entertainment.”

Hyuna stared at Ivan for a long moment, her arms still crossed. She raised an eyebrow as she let her arms drop by her sides, walking towards Ivan.

“So, let me get this straight,” Hyuna said, her tone sharper than necessary, but not hostile. “Your dad’s the chairman of Unsha, and now you’re here to… what? Play messenger?”

“Something like that,” Ivan said cautiously. “Till said… You wanted to talk to him, and that it could resolve whatever he’s been wanting.”

Hyuna tilted her head, giving Ivan a look from head to toe. “You trust me enough to let me near a well known idol like that? What if I am a serial killer? Surely you would have to face the consequences.”

“It’s not that,” Ivan said quickly, his voice steady. “It’s just… Till trusts you. And I trust Till.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow, the corner of her mouth twitching like she was trying not to smile. “Interesting logic.”

“Hyuna,” Till said, his voice low and a little pleading as he poured a glass of water for himself. “Can we not make this weird?”

Hyuna turned her attention to Till, who was now drinking water, a sly grin spreading across her face. “Weird? You’re the one who brought your boyfriend into my apartment without giving me a heads up.”

Till choked on the water, coughing and glaring at her. “He’s not my- ugh, stop it.”

“I’m just saying,” Hyuna continued, the teasing tone taking over now. She gestured toward Ivan, her grin widening. “Look at him. All tall, put together, and apparently loaded. How the hell did you pull that off, Till?”

“Hyuna,” Till said in a complaining tone, his ears practically glowing red. “He’s not- can you not embarrass me right now?”

Hyuna smirked at Till’s flustered state, clearly enjoying the opportunity to tease him. “What? Embarrass you? I’m just trying to understand the miracle here. Ivan’s basically a walking rich boy straight out of a drama and you’re… well, you.”

Till groaned, running a hand over his face. “Can we not? Ivan didn’t come here for you to psychoanalyze our... whatever this is.”

“Our what?” Ivan asked, raising an eyebrow and tilting his head slightly towards Till. A teasing smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“Shut up,” Till muttered, shooting him a glare. His blush deepened as he turned back to Hyuna.

Hyuna smirked, clearly enjoying herself as she leaned back against the counter. “Please, I’m just trying to figure out how you’ve managed to keep this guy interested. What’s your secret, Till? Got some alien tech that makes people fall in love with you hidden away at the orphanage?”

Till groaned, covering his face with his hands. “Why are you like this?”

“I’m just curious,” Hyuna said innocently, though the glint in her eyes was anything but. She turned her attention to Ivan, her grin widening. “So, rich boy, what’s the deal? Do you have a thing for moody musicians?”

Ivan blinked, momentarily caught off guard by her sharp humor. He glanced at Till, who looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole, before a small, amused smile tugged at his lips. “I just like how unpredictable he is, actually,” Ivan said calmly. “There’s something charming about the emotionally constipated type he is.”

“Charming?” Hyuna repeated, raising her eyebrows as she looked at Till. “That’s not the word I’d use, but hey, whatever floats your boat.”

“Hyuna, can you stop?” Till muttered, his voice muffled as he buried his face in his hands. His ears were bright red, the tips peeking out from under his messy hair. “Can we talk about Luka now?”

Hyuna laughed, clearly enjoying Till’s suffering. “Alright, alright, I’ll stop. For now.” She turned her focus back to Ivan, crossing her arms. “So, back to the real reason you’re here. How do you plan on arranging a meeting with him for me?”

Ivan straightened slightly, his expression turning more serious. “There’s an opportunity coming up that might make it easier.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow. “Opportunity?”

Ivan nodded. “ Luka’s going to be there at the end-of-year showcase in February in our school.”

“He’s what?” Till practically yelled, his voice cracking in disbelief.

Hyuna frowned, her sharp gaze darting between the two of them. “Okay, am I missing something here? Why is this such a big deal?”

Till threw up his hands, annoyance written all over his face. “Because it’s Luka ! Showing up at our school! The end-of-year showcase is already stressful as hell, and now you’re telling me this is going to turn into some celebrity networking circus?”

Ivan blinked, slightly taken aback by Till’s outburst. “Well, it’s not exactly a circus,” he said cautiously. “But yeah, it’s gonna be a pretty big deal, but it won’t be announced until he shows up. Over time, Luka being there will draw attention from industry professionals, and my dad-”

“Hold up,” Hyuna interrupted, raising a hand. “Why does your dad even care about some high school showcase? Isn’t he the chairman of, like, a billion-dollar company? What’s the point here?”

Ivan hesitated. “He thinks I go to Anakt because I’m serious about music,” he admitted, his tone quieter now. “He’s under the impression that I’m there to build connections and prepare for some future career in the industry. So, when the school announced the showcase, my parents saw it as an opportunity to “support my ambitions.””

Hyuna’s frown deepened, confusion written across her face. “Wait, wait. Back up. Why does he think you’re there for music? Aren’t you... like, top of the class or something?”

Till let out a snort, crossing his arms as he leaned against the counter with a smug smirk on his face. “Because Ivan’s parents have no idea he transferred to be closer to me,” he said as if he was proud of himself.

Hyuna blinked, “Oh yeah, I forgot about that whole thing because you were too worked up over having a sexuality crisis and Ivan squeezing your thigh.”

Till’s smug expression evaporated in an instant, replaced by wide eyes and a burning blush that spread from his ears to his neck. He whipped his head toward Hyuna, his mouth opening and closing as if he was gasping for air.

“I what?!” Till finally blurted out, his voice cracking embarrassingly. “You’re just making shit up now!”

Hyuna grinned. “Am I? Or do you just not want to admit that you spent days having a sexsuality crisis over Ivan touching your thigh that one time?”

“I hate you,” Till groaned, burying his face in his hands as if that would somehow make him disappear. “Why do you remember these things?”

Hyuna leaned against the counter, feigning an innocent shrug. “You were the one ranting about it all being my fault that everyone around me was gay, remember?”

Till let out a strangled noise, muttering something incoherent under his breath. He refused to look at Ivan, who, to his growing horror, had gone completely silent.

Finally, Ivan broke the silence, his voice calm but laced with clear amusement. “You told them?”

Till froze. He peeked out from behind his hands to see Ivan staring at him, one eyebrow raised and a slight smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. The teasing glint in his crimson eyes made Till want to crawl under the floorboards.

“I didn’t- It wasn’t-” Till stammered, his face somehow turning an even deeper shade of red. “They asked stuff! And it just-  I mean, you- You did grab my thigh! What was I supposed to do?!”

Ivan’s smirk widened, and he leaned slightly closer, his voice dropping just enough to send a shiver down Till’s spine. “So it made that much of an impression, huh?”

Till groaned again, shoving Ivan back by the chest. “Oh my god, shut up!”

Hyuna burst out laughing, holding onto the couch for support as she wiped away a tear. “Oh, this is too good. Ivan, I gotta say, you’ve got a real talent for breaking Till’s brain.”

“Apparently,” Ivan said, his tone light but clearly enjoying himself. He stepped back, still chuckling softly, and glanced at Hyuna. “But I’m starting to see where he gets his dramatics from.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Hyuna agreed with a smirk. “It’s all me. I’ve been training him for this exact moment.”

Till glared at both of them, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. “Are we done roasting me yet, or is this just my life now?”

Hyuna waved him off, still grinning. “Fine, fine. Back to the topic at hand. Luka. Showcase. Networking. Parental delusions about Ivan’s music career. Let’s hear the rest.”

Ivan’s smirk softened as he adjusted his posture, falling back into his usual composure. “Like I said, my parents think I’m at Anakt for music, so they’re always looking for ways to support me. When the school announced the end of year showcase, my dad saw it as a prime opportunity for networking. He reached out to Luka, and Luka agreed to attend as a guest.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow. “Why would Luka agree to that? What’s in it for him?”

“Exposure, mostly,” Ivan said. “Luka thrives on public appearances that keep his name in the spotlight, especially in settings where he seems approachable. My dad framed it as a way to “give back” to aspiring artists, and Luka ran with it.”

Hyuna frowned, clearly unimpressed. “So he’s just showing up to make himself look good.”

“Pretty much,” Ivan admitted. “But that’s exactly why it could work. He’ll want to keep up appearances, which means he’ll be more cooperative in a controlled setting.”

Hyuna considered this for a moment, tapping her fingers against the couchs armrest. “Alright, it’s not the worst idea. But what’s the plan? You just gonna approach him and ask for a chat?”

Ivan shook his head. “Not quite. I’ll make sure you’re introduced as part of the event. If we frame it right, it won’t seem out of place. The only problem would be if he… shuts you down, or something.”

“Don’t worry, I am positive he won’t shut me down.” Hyuna said confidently, narrowing her eyes.

Ivan met her gaze, his expression calm but serious as he norder. “But you still need to play this smart if you want to speak with him privately.”

Hyuna studied him for a moment before nodding slowly. “Alright. Let’s give it a shot.”

Ivan smiled, nodding as he turned back to Till.

Till, still red-faced but now more composed, sighed loudly. “Great. Now that’s settled, can we please stop talking about Luka and move on? Preferably to something that doesn’t involve embarrassing me?”

Hyuna smirked. “No promises.”

-

Hyuna leaned against the armrest of the couch, her sharp gaze flicking between the group scattered across her small apartment. “That’s the plan,” she said, her tone brisk but 

Mizi nodded, leaning forward slightly. “And you’re sure he won’t… Push you off? Like- you can manage your anger, right?”

Hyuna nodded. “I think I can manage.”

Sua gave a small nod, though her grip on Mizi’s hand tightened just a little bit. “But… what if he doesn’t?”

Hyuna’s confidence didn’t waver. “Then I’ll adapt. Trust me, I’ve dealt with him when we were children. I can take care of it now.”

Mizi exchanged a glance with Sua before smiling faintly. “Okay. Sounds good.”

Hyuna turned her gaze to the kitchen, where Till and Ivan were busy raiding her supplies for mocktail ingredients. She raised an eyebrow. “Speaking of trust, I’m starting to regret letting those two anywhere near my bar stuff.”

“Relax,” Till called over, clearly overhearing. He held up a bottle with a grin. “I’m an artist, I think I can manage.”

“I hope so,” Hyuna signed, watching as Ivan calmly sliced a lime and Till went through the fridge. “I’m not cleaning up after this, just so we’re clear.” She continued.

Sua’s eyes flicked toward the kitchen, where Ivan and Till were engrossed in their chaotic attempts at drink making. Ivan moved carefully, trying to be precise, while Till darted around like he was on a game show timer. The sight made her stomach twist slightly. Ivan seemed to fit right in- his calm, easy going behaviour balancing perfectly against Till’s frantic energy and Hyuna’s sharp demeanour. Meanwhile, she felt like she was just… there.

Mizi must have noticed the shift in her expression because she gave Sua’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Hey,” Mizi murmured softly. “You okay?”

Sua hesitated, glancing at Mizi’s warm eyes before forcing a small smile. “Yeah.”

Mizi tilted her head, studying her for a moment before smiling more brightly. She glanced toward the kitchen, then leaned closer, leaving a small kiss on her cheek. “Don’t worry about them. You fit here just fine.”

Sua’s smile softened as she relaxed a little. “You think?”

“I know,” Mizi said firmly, brushing her thumb lightly against Sua’s hand. “And for the record, I’d much rather be sitting here with you than pretending I know how to make drinks.”

As they had their moment (which would’ve lead to them kissing if others weren’t right), Hyuna’s sharp laugh suddenly cut through the air. She had moved to stand near the kitchen, arms crossed as she watched the mocktail chaos unfold. “Ivan, if you ever get tired of the music thing, you could probably make it as a bartender. Till, on the other hand…”

“Hey!” Till interrupted, offended as he held up a glass of cloudy liquid. “This is art.”

Hyuna rolled her eyes. “It’s a disaster.”

“Fuck you.” Till snapped.

Ivan, holding his own drink, smirked. “To be fair, I wouldn’t serve this either.”

Till turned to him, looking betrayed. “…Well, fuck you too then!”

Mizi chuckled at their exchange, but Sua’s attention got caught on Ivan again. He seemed so composed, so effortlessly a part of this dynamic. She couldn’t help but feel like she was on the outside looking in.

He seemed to blend effortlessly into the dynamic, the kind of comfort and safety Sua had never managed to feel with her own family in her nineteen years. Her fingers fidgeted in her lap, her gaze fixed on the floor as the low hum of conversation continued around her.

Without a word, Mizi reached for Sua’s hand, interlacing their fingers in a quiet, grounding gesture as if she had read her mind. Sua glanced at her, startled at first, but Mizi’s soft, reassuring smile eased some of the tension building in her chest.

Leaning in just slightly, Mizi pressed a quick, light kiss to Sua’s cheek. It was subtle, careful, there were still the others in the living room, after all- but it was enough. Enough to remind Sua that she wasn’t alone, that someone had noticed her unease and cared enough to reach out. There was someone that she felt safe with. 

Sua glanced at her, and Mizi’s warm smile. The silent acknowledgement that she was there, by her side… I love her. Sua thought. More than anything.

“Thanks,” Sua said quietly instead of speaking her mind, her grip on Mizi’s hand tightening. 

Hyuna, catching the small kiss on the cheek at the corner of her eye, smirked as she leaned back against the counter. “Aww, how cute!” Her voice on the higher pitches. “Do you know what would make this cuter? The fact that Mizi’s been walking around with her collar pulled up to hide those hickeys.”

Mizi’s face turned red as she turned to Hyuna in an instant. “Hyuna, no! Not when Sua is here.”

“Oh, come on,” Hyuna teased, her grin widening. “You worked so hard for them, even getting jealous when Till managed to get it before you. Why hide now?”

“Hyuna!” Mizi squeaked, while hugging Sua’s arm as she pouted. “You’re so mean! I only asked for them because it was annoying Till got them first somehow- boys are horny, disgusting creatures.” 

In the kitchen, Till groaned, “That wasn’t my fault!” he yelled, clearly done with the teasing as he shoved Ivan lightly. “See what you started? This is your fault.”

Ivan, completely unbothered, smirked as he leaned casually against the counter. “I’m not hearing a complaint about your hickeys, though.”

Till blushed, smacking Ivan’s head. “I hate you- actually, all of you!”

The group laughed as Sua felt her earlier anxiety melting into amusement, leaned into Mizi’s shoulder with a soft laugh. Mizi looked at her, visibly relieved to see that smile again, and grinned back as if to say, See? You’re okay. We’re okay.

Chapter 38: backstage

Summary:

Sua outed a small chuckle, stepping back to admire her work. “He’s not wrong, though. He’s like… unfairly good at staying chill.”

“Must be nice,” Till muttered, glancing at himself in the mirror again. He pulled at the sleeves of Ivan’s borrowed shirt. “Meanwhile, I look like a stray cat someone tried dress up like a a K-pop idol and failed.”

“You look fine,” Mizi reassured him with a grin. “You just don’t know how to sit still.”

The backstage was buzzing around like a restless hive. Performers darted back and forth, voices overlapping with instructions, last-minute rehearsals, and the murmur of the crowd filling the school from both outside and the inside. 

Mizi sat on a stool near the corner, her phone in hand, thumb flying across the screen. She wore her costume for the solo ballet performence- soft pastel tones that contrasted with the backstage chaos, her makeup and hair already immaculate. Her legs bounced slightly as she texted Hyuna.

 

hyuna, bisexsuals and the side hoes

Hyuna

Remember not to break anything out there.

14:45

that’s till you’re thinking of

14:45

Hyuna

Right

Do me a favor and remind him to at least look like he belongs here.

14:46

i’ll tryyy

can’t make promises.

14:47

Mizi smiled faintly at the screen. She glanced up briefly to where Sua hovered over Till and Ivan, expertly dabbing foundation onto Till’s face while Ivan waited his turn.

“Stop squirming,” Sua muttered, her tone somewhere between scolding and amused as she steadied Till’s chin with one hand.

“I’m not squirming!” Till shot back, though his teal eyes darted nervously to the mirror. He tugged at the silver collar on his neck, then tried to pull the collor of his dark long sleeves that he wore underneath a black shirt down. He had borrowed it from Ivan, though it fell oversized on him, it was comfortable. “This thing feels like it’s choking me.”

“You’re not going to choke,” Sua reassured him, holding up a brush. “Close your eyes.”

Till sighed but obeyed, muttering under his breath about how he didn’t sign up for a makeover.

Ivan, standing nearby in his light, futuristic and expensive attire, smirked. “He’s just scared you’ll make him look too pretty.”

“Shut up,” Till snapped, opening one eye to glare at him. “You’re next.”

Sua ignored their bickering, her focus entirely on Till as she added the finishing touches. “There,” she said, stepping back to inspect her work. “Now you just look mildly exhausted instead of dead. Perfect for the theme.”

“Wow, thanks,” Till muttered as he looked at himself in the mirror. “At least I don’t look emo.” he said, but he didn’t complain further.

“You don’t need makeup for that.” Sua said with a flat face, earning a chuckle from Ivan.

Mizi watched the exchange with amusement as Till struggled to shot back an answer before turning her attention back to her phone.

hyuna, bisexsuals and the side hoes

Hyuna

Seriously, though.

You nervous?

14:50

a little

butttt i think it’s more exciting than scary

14:54

Hyuna

Good. 

You’re going to kill it out there. 

Make sure Sua doesn’t stress over you too much, okay?

14:55

she’s fineeee 

she’s doing

 till’s makeup

. speaking of whichhh

  i think she might need help surviving that.

14:55

Hyuna

💀(skull emoji)

14:56

 

Mizi chuckled softly, pocketing her phone. She stood and walked over to Sua, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Everything okay?”

Sua glanced at her, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Yeah. Till’s just being dramatic.”

“Am not,” Till mumbled, but there was no real heat behind it. He fidgeted with his cuffs, glancing at Ivan. “Why aren’t you sitting down yet?”

“I’m waiting for her to finish with you,” Ivan replied. “Besides, you seem to need more help.”

Mizi rolled her eyes affectionately, stepping closer to Sua. “You’ve done enough. I’ll take over if you want a break.”

Sua shook her head. “It’s fine. It’s keeping me busy.” Her tone was calm, but Mizi noticed the slight tension in her shoulders from the idea of the confrontation that was supposed to happen today.

Mizi squeezed her hand briefly, watching her close until Sua’s smile softened, and she turned back to Till. “There. Done.”

Till stood, inspecting himself in the mirror. “Not bad. Could’ve been worse.”

“High praise,” Sua deadpanned as she motioned for Ivan to take Till’s place. “Your turn.”

Ivan sat down without complaint, the faintest hint of a smile tugging at his lips as he watched Sua gather her supplies. Till hovered nearby, pretending not to be interested as Ivan’s makeup process began.

Mizi leaned against the counter, her gaze flicking between the three of them. “So… any idea when Luka’s supposed to show up?”

Till stiffened at the name while Ivan’s expression didn’t even twitch. “Not until later,” Ivan said carefully. “Probably toward the second half. My dad said it’d make a better impression if he showed up after most of the student performances.”

Mizi nodded, though her stomach twisted slightly. She didn’t want to think about Luka yet. There was still so much to focus on before then- her ballet performance, Till and Ivan’s duet, and the endless nerves beneath it all.

“Hey,” Sua said quietly, her voice breaking through Mizi’s thoughts. She had finished with Ivan’s makeup and was now standing beside her. “You okay?”

Mizi nodded, mustering a smile. “Yeah. Just… a lot to think about.”

Sua’s hand brushed hers, comforting her for a moment. “You’ll be amazing,” she said softly as she leaned closer, leaving a small kiss on Mizi’s chin, which caused Mizi’s blush to show despite all the make up she was wearing. 

Till, catching the exchange, cleared his throat loudly. “Alright, I know you would rather be like- I don’t know, sucking each other’s titties or something.” He paused for a second, questioning himself. “Or whatever lesbians do, but can we focus? Some of us have to go out there and perform soon.”

Mizi pulled back from Sua, her blush deepening as she tried to suppress a laugh at Till's blunt comment. "First of all," she said, her voice tinted with mockery, "that is not what lesbians do. Secondly, you're just jealous because no one wants to suck your titties."

“I do.” Ivan said with a smirk as Sua was busy applying a faint eyeshadow over his eyelids- though she couldn’t help hold her chuckle.  

Till threw up his hands, his teal eyes wide with exaggerated horror. "What is wrong with you people? I’m trying to be serious here!"

Ivan smirked wider, leaning back in his chair as Sua began looking through her brushes for the next stage. "You’re the one who brought up sucking anything. Maybe you’re the one who’s distracted."

Till shot him a glare as heat crept up to his cheeks. "I hate you."

Mizi chuckled, the tension easing slightly as she leaned against the counter. “Okay, okay. Let’s all try to act like functioning adults for five minutes. We’ve got enough chaos going on.”

Ivan slightly opened his eyelids and glanced at his phone, his smirk fading slightly. “Speaking of chaos,” he said, holding up the screen. “Hyuna’s been texting me nonstop. Something about making sure Till doesn’t trip over his own feet.”

Till groaned loudly, dragging a hand down his face. “She needs to let it go. That was one time, and the floor was slippery!”

Sua arched an eyebrow. “It was during a vocal performance. What exactly was slippery about that?”

“Such details are not important.” Till muttered, crossing his arms.

Ivan chuckled softly, typing a quick reply before pocketing his phone. “She says good luck, by the way. To all of us.”

Mizi smiled faintly at the mention of Hyuna’s support, but the sound of a microphone crackling to life in the distance quickly pulled her attention. A voice echoed through the backstage speakers, calling for the first set of performers to start lining up.

“Here we go,” Mizi murmured, glancing toward the stage entrance. The energy in the room shifted, the chatter fading into focused whispers and hurried movements as students began making their way toward the curtain.

Sua squeezed Mizi’s hand gently. “You’ve got time,” she said softly. “Ballet isn’t until later. Just breathe.”

Mizi nodded, though her stomach twisted all the same. “Thanks.”

Till fiddled with the cuffs of his borrowed shirt, his nerves starting to show as he glanced at Ivan. “So, we just wait until they call us, right?”

“Plenty of time for me to have a mental breakdown,” Till mumbled under his breath, earning a laugh from Mizi and a comforting pat on the shoulder from Sua.

Ivan nodded, his calm demeanor rather a way of comforting Till’s fidgeting. “Yeah. We’re toward the middle. Plenty of time.”

Till sighed heavily, slumping against the counter, his fingers still tugging at the silver collar around his neck. “I swear, Ivan, if you don’t stop looking so calm, I’m going to lose it.”

Ivan smirked but didn’t respond, leaning back in his chair as Sua carefully adjusted the eyeliner along his lids. “You should try it sometime,” Ivan said smoothly. “It’s called composure. I can give you a private lesson after the showcase.”

Mizi chuckled, crossing her arms as she leaned against the counter. “Composure? Is that what you call letting Sua do all the hard work while you sit there looking like you’re on a magazine cover?”

Sua outed a small chuckle, stepping back to admire her work. “He’s not wrong, though. He’s like… unfairly good at staying chill.”

“Must be nice,” Till muttered, glancing at himself in the mirror again. He pulled at the sleeves of Ivan’s borrowed shirt. “Meanwhile, I look like a stray cat someone tried dress up like a a K-pop idol and failed.”

“You look fine,” Mizi reassured him with a grin. “You just don’t know how to sit still.”

Before Till could shoot back a failing attempt of a come back, a sudden wave of noise surged through the stage area, loud and unmistakably excited. It started as a murmur but quickly built into a tornado of fangirling screams and hurried footsteps from the direction of the stage.

Mizi’s eyebrows shot up. “What the hell was that?”

Sua frowned, stepping away from Ivan. “That’s… a lot of noise for an end-of-year showcase.”

Till straightened, his nerves spiking as he exchanged a glance with Ivan. “Is that-?”

Before anyone could finish the thought, a stagehand hurried past, their walk practically a sprint. They were carrying a clipboard, but their wide eyes and frantic expression said it all.

Mizi’s heart sank as realization dawned. “It’s… Luka, isn’t it? He’s here.”

“He’s… not supposed to be here yet.” Ivan said, his calm demeanor cracking slightly as he stood. “My dad said he’d show up toward the second half.”

“Well, maybe Luka didn’t get the fucking memo!” Till snapped, his own panic rising up to the surface. He pulled his phone from his pocket, frantically scrolling through his contacts. “We need to call Hyuna. Now.”

Mizi was already ahead of him, her fingers flying across the screen as she called Hyuna’s number. “Come on, pick up,” she muttered under her breath, pacing as the ringing echoed in her ear.

Till, meanwhile, was busy muttering curses as his call failed to connect. “She’s not answering,” he said, his voice rising with frustration.

“Not to me either!” Mizi said, voice filled with panic as her phone still pressed to her ear. “What’s she doing?”

The noise from the stage area grew louder, the fangirling screams now mixed with camera shutters and a few distinct voices calling Luka’s name.

Sua looked between the two of them, her face etched with worry. “Maybe she’s stuck in the crowd? If Luka’s here early, she might be just… in her seat, maybe?.” She took a deep breath. “Hopefully.”

Till groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Great. Just great. What are we supposed to do now?”

Ivan’s jaw tightened as he glanced toward the stage entrance. “We stick to the plan,” he said firmly. “No matter when he showed up, the goal hasn’t changed. Hyuna will handle it. We just need to focus on our performances.”

Mizi lowered her phone, her lips pressed into a thin line. “Easier said than done when the entire school’s losing their minds.”

“Well,” Till said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “if I trip on stage, there will be too much footage to act like it never happened.”

Mizi swatted his arm lightly. “Not helping, Till.”

Ivan placed a hand on Till’s shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “You’ll be fine,” he said quietly, which felt like a comforting lullaby to Till. ““We’ll all be fine.”

The noise outside continued to swell, and Mizi exchanged a worried glance with Sua. 

-

The crowd roared as Luka stepped out of the car, people almost recognizing him immediately, the sound almost deafening even as his feet hit the pavement and his bodyguards gathered around him. The school wasn’t exactly the kind of venue he was used to, but the energy from the fans gathered at the entrance was the same. 

Cameras clicked as the students forced their parents to capture him from their expensive gadget, and flashes went off as security guided him toward the building. Luka adjusted his sunglasses, hiding the uneasiness he felt as he scanned the growing throng.

He’d arrived earlier than planned. He told himself it was because he wanted to soak in the atmosphere, to observe the showcase from a quieter, more candid perspective before the performances started. But that wasn’t the truth, not entirely.  

His thoughts were cut off by the chanters of his fans. Fame had its price after all, and right now, that price was enduring the adoration of students who idolized him without truly knowing him.

“Luka! Over here please!”

“Can we get a photo?”

“You’re even more handsome in person!”

He waved casually, giving a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes at that moment. “I’m here to support the students,” he said smoothly, his voice carrying the perfect balance of warmth and detachment. “Let’s focus on their performances tonight.”

The crowd parted slowly, letting him pass through the auditorium, guided by one of the event organizers who had a blush on their face. The lights were bright, unlike it would have been if he arrived later.

Luka had only one reason for showing up early, the bright lights.

It would be easier to spot Hyuna under the bright lights before the performance began, rather than during the show when the auditorium would be dark. That was the only real reason Luka had arrived early. He wasn’t interested in the rehearsals or the chatter that came with pre-show anxiety and excitement. His focus was singular: Hyuna.

If she was here, she’d be seated somewhere rather hidden. She wouldn’t sit front and center, that wasn’t her style. That left either on the edge of a row or near the back.

Hyuna never tried to stand out, but she didn’t shy away from attention either- which would explain her seat choice.

It was one of the many attributes about her that had always fascinated him. The bright lights gave him the advantage of scanning the audience without her realizing he was looking for her, his gaze moving across the rows of seats. He doubted she would have dressed… elegantly, but Hyuna also had a way of drawing attention even in the simplest of outfits. Her presence had always been magnetic.

The lights brightening the room allowed him to catch details- someone adjusting their coat, a parent handing snacks to their child, a student nervously fidgeting with a program- but none of it mattered. What he sought was a single familiar frame among this sea of faces. Whether she would meet his gaze with that same sharp look she always had, or whether she’d pretend not to notice him entirely, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that if Hyuna was here, he needed to locate her before the dimming lights took that chance away.

Luka paused his thought process for a moment, his gaze sweeping over the rows of seats. Some were already filled with parents and friends, their chatter filling the space, while others remained empty, waiting for late arrivals.

His eyes darted toward the corners of the crowd once more, scanning for any sign of her. A small part of him doubted she’d come. After all, Hyuna wasn’t one to seek out events so polished and celebratory as this. 

But there was another part of him- a quieter, stubborn part, hoped she would, for Mizi and Till. 

He was hoping if she was here, she wouldn’t blend in entirely. Hyuna never did.

The auditorium was filling up fast. Rows of parents whispered among themselves, students gathered in excited small groups, and the event organizers was running around to make sure everything was going smoothly. The overhead lights still remained bright, making it easier for Luka to assess the faces in the crowd.

His gaze lingered on a section near the back, catching glimpses of people settling into their seats. A parent adjusting a scarf. A student flipping through the program. Nothing. He glanced at the right-most and left-most sides of the room, then back toward the corners, scanning for any detail that might stand out.

And then, he saw her.

Hyuna sat near the back, partially obscured by the tall figure of someone leaning forward in the row in front of her. She wasn’t dressed up- just a simple black jacket over a neutral-toned blouse, but her posture, casual yet so… confident, caught his eye instantly. Her hair, tucked behind one ear, revealed her sharp profile, the same one he remembered from last time. She wasn’t looking his way, but even without her attention, her presence was there. She was here. 

For a moment, Luka froze. His breath hitched ever so slightly, and he almost forgot to keep moving. Then, as if sensing his gaze, Hyuna turned her head. Their eyes met.

It was brief- a fleeting second of connection in the sea of noise and movement, but for Luka, it felt like everything around them fell silent. Her expression was unreadable, her sharp gaze cutting through the space between them with an intensity that made his chest tighten. There was no smile, no sign of acknowledgment beyond the steady look she gave him, daring him to make the first move.

But before Luka could do anything- wave, nod, even take another step, the lights dimmed. The murmur of the audience hushed, and a soft spotlight illuminated the stage, signaling the start of the performances. 

The timing was almost cruel.

Luka blinked, the sudden shift to dim lighting forcing him to readjust his focus. Applause began to rise through the crowd as the first performers took their places on stage, but Luka’s attention wasn’t on them. His mind was stuck on the brief moment of eye contact, replaying it as if it held some deeper meaning.

His bodyguard nudged him gently, guiding him toward a reserved seat closer to the front. Luka allowed himself to be led, his face calm and composed, but his thoughts were racing. 

Hyuna was here. She had come. 

As he took his seat, the stage lights brightened, illuminating the first act. Luka leaned back slightly, his hands clasped loosely in his lap, his gaze darting between the performers and the distant section where he’d seen her.

Chapter 39: hurt me

Summary:

As the final chorus swelled, the rhythm became relentless, refusing to break. The pounding beat echoed in Till's chest, strings and piano chords in the background they recorded together in Ivan’s bedroom crashing together with the melody, creating a storm of sound that felt too overwhelming.

He’d had a crush on Mizi once. It was safe, warm, and simple- a comforting kind of affection that came from familiarity and comfort. But this- whatever this was that he felt for Ivan… it was nothing like that. This wasn’t comforting or safe. It was an electric current running through him, igniting something deeper that burned his skin, something terrifying. It wasn’t the kind of feeling he could tuck away and ignore.

It demanded to be felt, to be acknowledged.

The auditorium was still, the air thick with anticipation as the dimmed lights casted shadows over Ivan and Till stood side by side, the stage lights casting long shadows across their figures. Their outfits mirrored each other in a contrasting way. Till with his oversized t-shirt on top of the dark long-sleeved shirt he was wearing, paired with the silver collar that gleamed under the spotlight, and Ivan in his light, futuristic suit that seemed to make him glow, making his dark hair and long eyelashes stand out.

The contrast between them was… attention seeking, making people believe they were about to sing something filled with meaning. One shadowed, one luminous- both commanding the audience’s attention.

The first notes of the song, soft and ethereal, played through the speakers, and the crowd stood quiet, all eyes on the two performers.

Till began to sing, his voice low, the lyrics spilling out like a confession.

"Allow me, to the tips of your fingers

Allow me, to the ends of your feet

Dissolve me in your gaze

I don't want to let you go."

The words, the lyrics, the chorus… they all- belonged to him. It was not just the song, it was the feelings, the memories, the time it took for them to compose that meant everything to time. 

While Till’s voice carried out into the theatre, Ivan couldn’t help but think of Till- the boy he had once seen at the garden, the boy who’d always kept him at a distance, even when they were close. He had always wanted to be seen by Till, fully and completely, but Till’s gaze always seemed to dart away before staying on him long enough to satisfy him.

"Please, leave me scars

Please, hurt me so that

Not a single drop of me remains

Let me drown in you."

Till’s chest tightened as he sang. The lyrics weren’t just made out of words- they were his truth. He’d spent so long denying the intensity of what he felt for Ivan, hiding behind the sarcasm and the delusion of hatred, but now, with the spotlight on him, there was nowhere to run. His eyes flickered toward Ivan briefly, catching a faint view of his snaggletooth. That damn fucking snaggletooth. 

It was like Ivan could see through him, see the way every part of him ached for a connection he was too afraid to reach for.

"Until these falling stars

Are buried in the blur of time

On your icy lips

Read my soul

Yes, my soul."

He couldn’t stop himself from glancing at Ivan again, his stomach twisting with every word. How many times had Ivan’s presence broken down the wall Till built so strongly? How many times had he caught himself staring too long, feeling too much? It scared him, all of it, but it was also the only thing that made him feel alive.

Ivan felt the weight of Till’s voice pressing against his body. His heart clenched as he watched the lyrics breaking the layers of Till’s carefully constructed walls while the piano verse they pre-recorded was playing. 

Ivan’s crimson eyes scanned the audience before he stepped forward to take his part.

"Even if your cold words

Carve scars beneath my eyes

May they linger on your tongue

You can break me apart."

Ivan felt the weight of Till’s voice pressing against his body. His heart clenched as he watched the lyrics breaking the layers of Till’s carefully constructed walls while the piano verse they pre-recorded was playing. 

Ivan had always been good at pretending, at playing the role of the perfect son, the untouchable yet admirable person. But with Till, there was no need for it. Till saw him, not the image he built to be loved, not the persona that was meant to satisfy people’s expectation of him, but the real him. And Ivan wanted to give him everything, even if it meant losing himself in the process.

"Notice my pain

And mend me right now

To quiet my fears

I'll drown in you."

Ivan’s expression softened as he sang, letting emotions he usually kept hidden show through. For years, he had always kept his feelings for Till, telling himself it was enough just to be near him, to stay a part of Till’s life. But under the bright stage lights, he couldn’t pretend anymore. He wanted more. He wanted Till to see how much he cared, how much Till meant to him, how much he needed him.

He slowly raised his hand, reaching towards the audience as the chorus began.

“ Until these falling stars

Are buried in the blur of time

On your icy lips

Read my soul

Yes, my soul, oh, oh ”

Then the bridge began, Till taking the lead.

"To this everlasting melody” 

As Till sang, his voice shook slightly, not from lack of skill but from the storm of emotions building inside him. Each lyric felt like something was squeezing his heart with the stem of a rose. The words wrapped around him, forcing him to confront feelings he’d been so scared to let out. 

Ivans voice joined his.

“Face to face we dance”

As Ivan sang, his voice steady and filled with emotion, he risked a glance at Till. His heart clenched painfully at the sight. Ivan's breath caught in his throat. He had seen Till in so many ways- laughing, brooding, even angry, but this was different.

This was Till stripped bare, his defenses momentarily forgotten under the weight of the music. It was overwhelming to see him like this, so unguarded, so real, and it made Ivan’s feelings surge to the surface with a force that left him shaken. 

“With our story

Lost in forever’s embrace” 

The stage lights felt too hot, the room too small, but he couldn’t look at Ivan. He could not stop himself if his gaze caught even a single hair strand of his.

As the final chorus swelled, the rhythm became relentless, refusing to break. The pounding beat echoed in Till's chest, strings and piano chords in the background they recorded together in Ivan’s bedroom crashing together with the melody, creating a storm of sound that felt too overwhelming.

He’d had a crush on Mizi once. It was safe, warm, and simple- a comforting kind of affection that came from familiarity and comfort. But this- whatever this was that he felt for Ivan… it was nothing like that. This wasn’t comforting or safe. It was an electric current running through him, igniting something deeper that burned his skin, something terrifying. It wasn’t the kind of feeling he could tuck away and ignore. 

It demanded to be felt, to be acknowledged.

The music climbed higher, harmonies causing an aching, as if the song itself was crying out for something to be finally heard.

Ivan had always known his feelings for Till were different. He’d carried them quietly, keeping them buried beneath the surface. But standing here, singing side by side, it was impossible to keep hiding. The way Till moved, the vulnerability in his voice….

This wasn’t the kind of admiration he’d felt for anyone else. It wasn’t a passing infatuation or a simple longing for connection. What he felt for Till felt like a prison cell he never wanted to leave. It was consuming, an emotion that had grasped itself into every corner of his being, leaving no room for escape. And the truth was, Ivan didn’t want to escape. He didn’t want freedom if it meant stepping away from Till. 

Being around Till wasn’t always easy- there were moments when Ivan felt like he was drowning in the intensity of these feelings, moments when he wished he could simply shut it all off. But he also knew that without those feelings, he would lose something essential about himself.

Till was the one person who made Ivan feel alive in a way no one else could. It wasn’t just attraction- it was the way Till’s presence seemed to unbind everything. Colors felt brighter, music felt deeper, and the world seemed to make more sense when Till was near. Even the pain of his unspoken love felt bearable, simply because it was tied to Till.

In the final moments, as the tempo slowed slightly, Till felt the each note stretching into the air, refusing to fade completely. The sound hung between them and the audience, as though it carried every unspoken word and feeling he’d been too scared to voice. His breath hitched, the deliberate stillness of the song's end mirroring the way his heart seemed to pause, then beat again as if it was gonna explore out of his chest.

This melody, this rhythm, this stretch of the notes wasn’t just music- it was a confession, a plea, and a promise all at once. It filled the space between him and Ivan, the song itself was waiting for something to happen between them. Till’s teal eyes darted to Ivan during the last seconds of the song, catching his diluted crimson pupils

This was everything between them, everything they had poured into this moment.

For the first time, Till didn’t want the silence to come. He didn’t want the notes to dissolve or the connection to end. He wanted to stay in this in-between space, where emotions felt easier to show, where Ivan’s voice, his editing of the instrumental music, his presence was still in the air, and where Till’s feelings for him felt as limitless as the echo of the music itself.

The final note faded into a breathless hush, the silence for a moment. For a split second, the world seemed to hold still, as though everyone in the auditorium was afraid to disrupt the moment. Then, like a wave crashing against the shore, the applause erupted.

It wasn’t polite clapping or scattered cheers- it was thunderous. The kind of applause that shook the walls and filled every corner of the room. Till blinked, his teal eyes widening slightly as he straightened. For a moment, he wasn’t sure if the sound was even real. But the sight of the audience rising to their feet, the faces lit with admiration, it all confirmed it. They were clapping for them- for him and Ivan.

Beside him, Ivan stood still but couldn’t hide the faint smile on his lips. He turned back slightly to glance at Till, his eyes softening. Till caught the look again and felt the warmth spread through his chest, stronger than the exhilaration from the applause. Without a word, they moved in sync, bowing deeply to the crowd.

The backstage was alive with noise, the sound of their names blending with cheers and shouts of encouragement from their peers, classmates, people who probably didn’t even know who they were until now. As they stepped offstage, teachers and organizers were all over them, each one eager to praise on their performance.

“That was incredible!” the drama teacher gushed, her hands clasped together as though in prayer. “You captured the emotion perfectly- so real!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen an audience this moved,” added the music instructor, his usually reserved tone now filled with excitement. “You two were spectacular, I am proud of both of you.”

The ballet teacher, who rarely spoke, nodded with a small but genuine smile.

Till felt the heat rising to his face, unsure how to process so much praise all at once. He mumbled a soft “Thank you,” his voice barely audible over the chaos around them. His gaze darted back to Ivan, who seemed calmer, taking it like he was used to it. Ivan gave a small nod to each teacher, his responses polished, but Till could see the faint color in his cheeks, the way his fingers brushed nervously against his side.

As they stepped further backstage, no one could hold back their reactions. Performers clapped them on the back, shouted congratulations, and joked about how they’d stolen the show.

“Are you kidding me?” Mizi called out as they came close to her, grinning widely as she pushed through the small crowd gathering around them. “You two just broke the entire audience! They’re probably sobbing out there.”

“Not bad for an emo stray cat,” Ivan teased, his smirk deepening as he nudged Till lightly with his shoulder.

“Shut up,” Till muttered, though his lips twitched into a small smile despite himself. The rush of adrenaline, the warmth of the applause still echoing in his ears, and Ivan’s presence beside him all blended into a… strange mixture. 

He felt like he could float.

As the teachers moved on to address the next performers, Mizi grabbed both of their arms and pulled them aside. “Seriously, though. That was amazing,” she said, her tone quieter but not less genuine. “You guys deserve every bit of that applause.”

Till looked at her, then at Ivan, who was already meeting his gaze for one more time. The applause, the compliments, the chaos- it all faded into the background.

“Yeah,” Till said finally, his voice low but firm. “We really did.”

Mizi grinned at Till’s response, her hand playfully ruffling his hair despite the carefully styled strands falling out of place. “You’re damn right you did. Honestly, I’m kind of jealous. You’ve set the bar so high for the rest of us now.”

Before Till could respond, Sua appeared beside her, offering both boys a bottle of water each. “Here,” she said softly, “You’re probably dehydrated after that. I don’t think either of you took a proper breath the entire performance.”

“Thanks,” Ivan said, his fingers brushing against hers briefly as he took the bottle. He unscrewed the cap and sipped it, more out of habit than need, his crimson eyes darting sideways to Till.

Till muttered a quiet “Thanks” as he accepted his bottle but didn’t immediately drink. His hands fidgeted with the label, peeling the edges as though the applause and praise still ringing in his ears were too much to process. His gaze went up toward Ivan again, locking eyes just a second too long before he caught himself and quickly looked away.

Mizi noticed the tension between them instantly. She shot a quick glance at Sua, who raised her eyebrows in understanding. The way Till and Ivan… hovered near each other, stealing glances and shifting awkwardly.

Shit was too painfully obvious.

“So,” Sua said, a small smile curling at her lips. “Mizi, your makeup smudged a little from all the grinning you were doing. Want me to retouch it?”

Mizi blinked, caught off guard by the sudden comment but catching on quickly. “Oh, uh… yeah, sure. I don’t want to look a mess for my performance later.”

Sua nodded, her expression casual but as she grabbed Mizi’s hand and tugged her gently away from the boys. “You two,” she said over her shoulder, “suit yourselves. You’ve done your part. Relax or… whatever it is you need to do.”

Mizi giggled as she let herself be dragged off, hugging her girlfriends arm. The knowing look Sua gave her as they walked away said it all. Leave them alone to figure this out.

Ivan and Till stood in silence, the air between them silent now that the girls were gone. Till glanced at the floor, then at Ivan, then back at the floor, his words stuck somewhere in his throat.

“So…” Till started. “Uh… you wanna… stay here or…?”

Ivan’s lips twitched into a smirk. “Stay here and get attacked by people telling us how great we are? Not really.”

Till chuckled nervously, his teal eyes flicking to the side. “Yeah, same. Let’s, uh, go somewhere else. Less crowded.”

“Good idea,” Ivan agreed, his voice calm but his heart pounding in his chest.

They moved almost in sync, their steps quiet as they slipped out of the backstage area and into the quieter halls of the school. The noise of the ongoing performances and excited chatter from the auditorium faded behind them, though they could feel the vibrations from the floor. 

Till stuffed his hands into the pockets of his black pantst, his gaze darting around as they walked. “So… where exactly are we going?”

Ivan glanced at him. “I don’t know. Somewhere we can talk.”

“Talk?” Till asked, his voice lighter, trying to cover up the unease creeping in his chest. “Since when do you want to talk?”

“Since now,” Ivan said firmly.

They walked in silence for a bit longer until they found a small, unlocked empty music practice room tucked away at the end of the hall. Ivan opened the door and stepped inside, holding it open for Till, who hesitated for a second before following.

The room was rather dark, only filled with the sun that started setting outside, with a single piano in the corner and a few scattered chairs- which brought back memories for both of them.

Ivan leaned against the wall, crossing his arms as he looked at Till. “So.”

Till shifted on his feet, his hands still in his pockets. “So,” he repeated awkwardly. His eyes darted to Ivan’s face, then quickly away again.

Ivan, leaning casually against the wall, tilted his head slightly. His eyes softened as he watched Till fidget. “You seem tense,” he said, his voice calm, almost teasing. “Did I do something to piss you off?”

Till snapped his head up, his teal eyes narrowing. “No. You didn’t do anything,” he said defensively, though his voice came out sharper than he intended.

Ivan raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed by the tone. “Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s fucking wrong!” Till blurted, his fists clenching at his sides. He didn’t know why he was getting mad- maybe it was the way Ivan was standing there, all calm and collected, like this didn’t affect him at all. Or maybe it was how his own chest felt like it was going to explode with everything he’d been holding back.

Ivan pushed off the wall, stepping closer, his tone still calm but tinged with concern. “Till,” he said softly, “I can tell when you’re lying. Just talk to me.”

“I don’t have anything to say! Fucking dammit!" Till snapped, his voice loud. Till’s chest rose and fell with quick, uneven breaths as he finally turned to glare at Ivan. “I’m just tired, okay?”

Ivan didn’t flinch at the outburst. He straightened slightly, his smirk fading into something more serious, more concerned. “Till,” he said softly, his voice dropping. “I am gonna ask again, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong!” Till shot back, his hands balling into fists inside his pockets. His voice cracked slightly, betraying everything he tried to keep inside. “Why do you always have to ask so many fucking questions?”

“Because I care,” Ivan replied. He stepped closer, closing the space between them. “And because you’re clearly upset. Talk to me.”

Till opened his mouth, then closed it again, his throat tightening, he felt as if Ivan’s words were choking him. His heart pounded, each beat echoing in his ears like a drum. The weight of Ivan’s gaze was too much, too knowing, too patient. 

He hated it. He loved it. He didn’t know what to do with it.

“I hate you,” Till muttered under his breath, his voice barely audible. But the words were thick, trembling with something far deeper.

Ivan’s brow rose up, as if a little surprised, disappointed- his lips parting as if to respond, but Till cut him off, his voice breaking. “I hate you because you make me feel like this! You make me-” He stopped, his breath hitching as his chest tightened. He couldn’t hold it back any longer. He couldn’t explain how he felt. How deep he felt everything to his core. “I love you, okay? I fucking love you, and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

The confession burst out of him like an explosion. Till’s face turned red as the words hung in the air, his breathing ragged. He couldn’t look at Ivan, couldn’t bear to see the reaction.

For a moment, there was only silence. Then, to Till’s horror, Ivan started laughing.

It wasn’t a mocking laugh, not cold or cruel- though that didn’t make Till feel any better. It was bright, full, and uncontrollable, spilling out of Ivan like it had been locked up for too long. His shoulders shook, and his hand came up to cover his mouth, but it couldn’t hide the snaggletooth that Till secretly adored. The sound filled the room, echoing off the walls along with the current performance going on.

“What the hell are you laughing at!?” Till asked loudly, his embarrassment turning into anger as he glared at Ivan, his face burning. “I just told you- ugh, forget it. You’re such an asshole!”

Ivan shook his head, trying to catch his breath, his laughter softening into chuckles. He stepped closer, his crimson pupil glistening, diluted with an emotion. “I’m not laughing at you,” Ivan said, his voice breathless but steady. “I’m laughing because…” He paused, looking directly into his eyes.” Till, you have no idea how happy I am right now.”

Till blinked, his anger evaporating from he body as he stared at Ivan. “What?”

Ivan smiled, wide and unguarded, the snaggletooth still peeking out. “You love me,” he said, his voice filled with pure happiness yet cautious- as if he couldn’t quite believe it. “You actually love me.”

“Yeah, well, don’t get used to it,” Till muttered, his face burning even hotter as he turned his head away. He raised his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms over his chest, as if to hold his heart back- looking anywhere but at Ivan. “And stop smiling like that. You look so fucking stupid.”

Ivan laughed again, softer this time, as he reached out to gently place a hand on Till’s cheek. “I can’t help it,” he said, his voice warm and low. “You make me too happy, Till. You always have.”

Ivan’s hand caressed over Till’s cheek, the warmth of his palm radiating against Till’s flushed skin. Till's teal eyes flicked to Ivan's, his expression still guarded, though the way his breath hitched betrayed him. "You're such a fucking idiot," he muttered, his voice low and rough, but no longer biting. 

He didn’t pull away from Ivan’s hand.

Ivan’s lips curled into a faint smirk, “Maybe I am,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “But you love this idiot, don’t you?”

Till groaned, rolling his eyes, but the tension in his shoulders eased just slightly. “Don’t push it.”

Ivan chuckled, dropping his hand but staying close. His gaze didn’t drift, he didn’t even blink- as if the moment would be gone if he did. 

He studied Till like he was trying to memorize every detail. His teal eyes, so piercing and filled with a depth, always seemed to betray the emotions Till tried so hard to hide. They were his favorite part of Till- expressive, yet guarded, like looking into a storm that only Till could control. His hair, slightly messy and falling into his face, gave him a softness that contrasted with his sharp edges. The small, slightly upturned nose that gave Till an unintentional charm, a subtle uniqueness that Ivan couldn’t get enough of. There was something so inherently Till about it- delicate yet confident, unassuming but impossible to ignore.

To Ivan, Till wasn’t just beautiful. He was mesmerizing in a way that left him breathless, his presence seeping into Ivan’s thoughts and never leaving.

“I’m serious, though,” Ivan said after a beat, his tone quieter. “Hearing you say that… Till, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Till shifted uncomfortably, Ivan’s voice making his chest tighten. “Yeah, well… I didn’t say it to make you happy,” he muttered. “I said it because I couldn’t keep it in anymore. You make me crazy, you know that?”

Ivan tilted his head slightly, the faintest hint of amusement playing on his lips. “Crazy good or crazy bad?”

“Both,” Till admitted, his voice rought. He finally met Ivan’s gaze fully, the intensity of it stealing his breath for a second. “You’re the most annoying, smug, overconfident bastard I’ve ever met. And I don’t know how to deal with you.”

Ivan’s smirk grew, his snaggletooth peeking out again. “You could start by not hating me so much.”

Till huffed. “I don’t hate you. Obviously. Fucking idiot.”

Ivan stepped closer, his hands brushing against Till’s forearms, uncrossing them with a gentle tug. He didn’t let go, his fingers curling around Till’s wrists. “Then stop trying to fight it,” Ivan said softly, his voice almost pleading. “I’m here. You’re here. Let’s just… stop pretending.”

Till’s breath caught, his heart going crazier than his mind. “Ivan…”

“I love you,” Ivan said, cutting him off. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, Till. And I know I’m a lot- too much for you, probably. But I can’t- I don’t want to pretend anymore. Not when I know you feel the same.”

The confession hit Till like a punch to the gut, feeling like he was gonna fall from impact. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to respond to the way Ivan was looking at him, like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. 

He couldn’t say anything. Nothing felt right, nothing felt enough to express, to make his emotions reach Ivan in a fully accurate way.

So instead, he moved forward, his hands grabbing the front of Ivan’s jacket as their mouths collided.

It wasn’t smooth or graceful- far from it. Till’s movements were rough, his lips clashing against Ivan’s in a way that was more desperate than anything else. Ivan stumbled back slightly from the force, his hands instinctively finding Till’s waist, letting go of his wrists to steady them both.

Their teeth bumped awkwardly, and Ivan couldn’t help but laugh against Till’s lips, the sound muffled and breathless. “This is…” Ivan started to say, but Till cut him off with another kiss, his hands fisting tighter in Ivan’s shirt.

“Shut up,” Till muttered, his voice muffled against Ivan’s mouth. “Just… shut up.”

Ivan didn’t argue. Instead, he pushed his head, deepening the kiss as his hands slid up Till’s back, pulling him closer. Their noses bumped, and their movements were clumsy, uncoordinated, but neither of them seemed to care. It was messy and chaotic, but it was them.

Till’s heart felt like something was going to explode, his mind spinning as he pressed closer to Ivan. The feel of Ivan’s lips, the warmth of his hands, the sound of his breathless laughter- it was all too much and not enough at all.

Ivan finally pulled back, just to caress his cheek over Till’s, their breaths mingling as they both tried to catch up with what just happened. His crimson eyes searched Till’s face, his lips curling into a crooked grin. “This is the worst kiss you have ever given me,” he teased, his voice warm and soft.

“Not my fault you kiss like a fucking idiot.” Till shot back, though the flush on his cheeks betrayed him.

Ivan’s laugh was quiet, but it made Till’s chest ache in the best way. “Guess we’ll have to practice more,” Ivan said, his voice teasing but full of so… filled with love, something so real.

“Shut up,” Till snapped, his lips wet from Ivans saliva. He glanced at Ivan’s lips once more, then back up at his eyes. “Don’t… stop now.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Ivan murmured before pulling Till back in, their lips meeting again in another messy, eager kiss.

Ivan’s lips moved against Till’s, slow at first, savoring the sensation before the desperation took over again. Their movements were still messy, teeth occasionally clashing, breaths coming in short, uneven gasps, but the urgency made it perfect.

Till’s hands slipped from Ivan’s shirt to the back of his neck, his fingers tugging in the soft strands of Ivan’s dark hair, earning a low hum from Ivan that sent a shiver down Till’s spine. Ivan’s hands roamed down Till’s sides, his fingertips brushing over the fabric of his shirt before resting firmly on his hips, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them.

“Fuck,” Till muttered against Ivan’s lips, his voice breathless and shaky. His chest rose and fell rapidly, his heart pounding so hard he was sure Ivan could feel it. “Why the fuck are you too good at this?”

Ivan chuckled, the sound low and warm, vibrating against Till’s lips. “You make it easy.” he murmured, his voice laced with affection and just a hint of teasing. He pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Till’s mouth before trailing his lips along his jawline, his breath hot against Till’s skin. 

Till let out a soft noise, his head tilting back instinctively to give Ivan more access. The feeling of Ivan’s lips brushing over his jaw, his teeth grazing the sensitive skin just below his ear, made his knees feel weak. “You’re such a fucking idiot,” Till muttered, as they were the only words he could form. His fingers tightened in Ivan’s hair, tugging him closer.

“And you love it,” Ivan replied, his voice muffled as he pressed a kiss to the side of Till’s neck. He lingered there for a moment, his lips soft against Till’s pulse point, before pulling back just enough to look at him.

Till’s teal eyes met Ivan’s black ones. His face was flushed, his lips slightly swollen, his hair a mess from Till’s hands, and yet he looked… perfect. Like he belonged here, in this moment, with Till.

“I do,” Till admitted quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. The honesty in his own words surprised himself, but he didn’t back down. “I fucking love it. I fucking love you.”

Ivan’s expression softened, his smile widening until his snaggletooth peeked out again, letting out a soft chuckle while his cheeks started blushing. “Say it again,” he said, his voice light, filled with longing and need, like a puppy weeping for love. “Please.”

Till rolled his eyes, furrowing his eyebrows. “You’re too fucking annoying, spoiled little bitch.”

Ivan leaned in, their foreheads brushing together as he whispered, “Say it.”

“I love you,” Till said, louder this time, his voice steady despite the heat rising in his face. “Happy now?”

“Very,” Ivan said, his smile widening as he closed the distance between them, capturing Till’s lips in yet another kiss.

Ivan’s hands slid up to Till’s waist as he wasn’t sure if he could hold himself back from unbuckling his belt if they hovered around his hips. When Till didn’t pull away, Ivan’s hands slipped beneath the shirt, his palms warm against Till’s cold skin. The touch was gentle, while Ivan was trying to memorise every curve, every line.

Till shivered at the contact, his breath hitching as he tightened his grip on Ivan’s hair. “You’re really testing my patience,” he muttered, though his voice was more breathless than angry.

Ivan smirked, his lips brushing against Till’s in a tease of a kiss. “Good,” he murmured, his hands sliding up Till’s back. “I want you to lose it.”

Till huffed an angry laugh. “You’re actually so fucking insufferable, annoying and-.”

“And you’re perfect,” Ivan cut him softly, his voice barely audible as he pressed another kiss to Till’s lips, his movements slowing. The urgency was gone, replaced by something gentler, as his body started realizing Till wasn’t going anywhere.

It wasn’t just about the heat of the moment anymore. It was about everything they’d been too scared to say, too scared to feel, finally finding its place between them.

They stayed like that for a while, their kisses growing slower, softer, until the sound of distant applause from the auditorium reminded them of where they were. Ivan pulled back, his forehead resting against Till’s as they both caught their breath.

“We should probably… get back,” Ivan said, though he made no move to let go of Till.

Till nodded, his hands still resting on the back of Ivan’s head. “Yeah,” he said, his voice quieter now, his gaze dropping to Ivan’s lips before flicking back up to meet his eyes. “But… not yet.”

Ivan’s smile softened, his arms tightening around Till. “Not yet,” he agreed, his voice a whisper.

And for a little longer, they stayed there.

-

Chapter 40: you are a liar

Summary:

Luka didn’t answer immediately. His golden eyes were unfocused, and his chest rose and fell unevenly. His lips parted, but all that came out was a shaky gasp. His hands slipped out of his coat pockets, and Hyuna noticed, for the first time, that his fingertips were a disturbing shade of blue. He clutched at his chest, his body trembling as if he was trying to keep himself upright by his will to live alone. The beeping grew faster, more insistent, like an alarm, and Hyuna’s heart started pounding in her ears.

“Luka!” she yelled, stepping closer, her anger now filled with fear. “What the fuck is that noise? What’s happening to you?”

“I’m… fine,” he managed to let out, but his voice cracked, his body betraying him.

Before Hyuna could answer, Luka shook his head weakly, his golden eyes locking onto hers, filled with a desperation that made her chest tighten. “I… I thought if I could just explain… if I could just make you understand…” His voice broke again, his breathing growing more irregular. “Hyuna… I just… I wanted to be loved. By you.”

The applause from the previous performance was still ringing across the auditorium, parents and other people from the viewers murmuring among each other until the next performance was coming. Hyuna leaned back in her seat, her blue eyes fixed on the stage. She’d seen plenty of performances over the years- Mizi and Till had always been into this stuff, foring her to go along, along with the live performances she had seen at bars she had worked at. While some were incredible, some were equally, utterly forgettable. 

But just when the dimmed lights were replaced by a spotlight on the stage where Till and Ivan stepped in, something about their presence made her sit up a little straighter.

Hyuna’s gaze swept over them, observing the contrast between their outfits. Till, in his dark clothes and fingerless, maroon gloves and the glint of a silver collar at his neck, looked like he’d stumbled into the spotlight by accident, a stray cat cornered under the headlight of a car, about to get run over. Ivan on the other hand, in his glowing white suit, was every bit the opposite. Polished, breathtaking, and commanding. Together, they looked like they’d been plucked from two completely different worlds, yet somehow, they fit well together.

As the first soft notes of the song played, Hyuna exhaled slowly, her arms crossed. The crowd fell back into silence, and the feeling of anticipation pressed against her chest. When Till’s voice broke through, low and raw, her lips quivered into a faint smile.

“Damn,” she muttered to herself, leaning forward slightly. “You've been holding back until now, huh?”

Her gaze shifted briefly to Ivan, who stood quietly for now, his eyes darting between Till and the audience. When the time came, his voice blended into music like it was meant to, filled with something heavy, something felt real from the tone of his voice. Hyuna knew Ivan was talented- that was a requirement if Till had ever agreed to be close with him. But this? This wasn’t just talent. This was personal.

Hyuna frowned slightly, her eyes narrowing as she watched the way they moved, the way their gazes flickered toward each other. It wasn’t just a performance. Not for them. Till’s voice, the way Ivan reached toward the audience like he was reaching for something  (or someone) specific. Hyuna wasn’t a romantic, but even she couldn’t deny the tension between the two boys onstage. It was magnetic, conducting heat like the mug that held a really hot coffee, impossible to ignore.

The final notes hung in the air while Ivan and Till tried to catch their breaths. Then, the applause erupted like a wave crashing against the shore, Hyuna didn’t join in right away. She sat back, letting the sound wash over her as she glanced at the crowd. They were on their feet, clapping and cheering that even made her jaded heart feel a strong sense of pride.

She stood eventually, her applause loud and genuine as she whistled, hoping it reached Till among the crowded noise.

Then, she moved slowly out of the side door of the auditorium. The noise slowly faded behind her as she made her way to the courtyard, pulling her jacket tighter against the cool air. Her fingers found her pack of cigarettes in her pocket as she took one out, and she lit one, the light briefly illuminating her face.

As she inhaled a sharp intake of her cigarette, she pulled out her phone with her free hand, using it to open the group chat she shared with the others. Her fingers hesitated over the keyboard for a moment before she began typing.

 

hyuna, bisexsuals and the side hoes

The emo boy and his cure just tore the place apart.

 You should’ve seen it from the front

They were incredible.

17:24

 

She hit send and took a slow drag, exhaling a thin stream of smoke into the night air. The buzz of her phone came almost immediately.

 

Mizi

i KNOWWWW sua and i were watching backstage i almost cried like 5 times fr

17:24

Sua

They did amazing. 

I’m proud of them for once.

Hopefully they don’t smudge their makeup by indulging in inappropriate activities 

17:25

I’m going to barf if I see Till’s neck filled with hickeys again

But yeah. 

They did good.

17:26

Her lips twitched into a faint smirk as she watched the chat evolved into Mizi spamming keysmashes and Sua trying to calm her down. Hyuna leaned against the wall, the distant sound of applause still ringing in her ear. She took another drag of her cigarette, her thoughts drifting back to the stage, to the way Till’s voice had trembled with emotion, to the way Ivan had looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered.

“Guess I don’t have to worry about those two anymore,” she muttered to herself, shaking her head. But even as she said it, something bittersweet tugged at her chest. Watching them, hearing their voices, had reminded her of something she didn’t like to think about too often- something that felt like longing, or maybe loss.

With a sigh, she inhaled another smoke from her cigarette, stuffing her idle hand into her pocket. She blew out another thin stream of smoke, as she he leaned her head back against the cool brick wall, her blue eyes staring off into the distance, unfocused, as she replayed Till and Ivan's performance in her head.

She heard footsteps approaching before she saw him. They were measured, hesitant, like someone deciding whether to come closer or turn around. Her lips twitched in annoyance even before his familiar figure came into view. 

Luka.

He stopped a few feet away, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his coat. His expression was unreadable- but his eyes seemed to betray him. They held some sadness, something Hyuna didn’t care to name.

“You shouldn’t smoke so much,” Luka said softly, his voice absent of its usual smooth confidence. He might as well have been stating the weather.

Hyuna didn’t respond immediately. She took another drag, the ember burning brighter as she inhaled. Only then did she speak, her tone calm- she managed to hold her anger well when she smoked. “Didn’t know you were so worried about my lungs, Luka.”

His lips twitched into the ghost of a smile before disappearing. “I’m not worried,” he admitted. “Just making an observation.”

“Noted,” she replied dryly, her gaze now fixed on the stars barely visible through the sky. “What do you want?”

Luka hesitated, his fingers curling tighter in his pockets. “How have you been?” he asked finally, his voice softer than she expected. “Since… the last time we talked.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow, glancing at him sideways. “Since you showed up at my apartment uninvited, tried to apologize, and thought I’d just forget everything like it didn’t happen?”

Luka flinched, his composure disappearing for a split second before he straightened. “Yeah. Since then.”

She didn’t lash out, didn’t hit him or storm off like he seemed to expect. Instead, she took another slow drag of her cigarette, exhaled, and said simply, “I’ve been fine.”

Her calmness seemed to throw Luka off balance. He blinked, his lips parting as if to say something, but no words came. Hyuna smirked faintly, flicking some ash onto the ground. “What about you?” she asked, her tone casual. “What’d you think of Till and Ivan’s performance?”

Luka’s didn’t change. “They were okay,” he said quietly, almost like he was confessing something. “Ivan’s voice... it surprised me. And Till…” He trailed off, blinking as if he was gathering his thoughts. “They fit.”

Hyuna nodded, her lips quivering upward again. “Yeah, they do.” She tilted her head, her gaze sharp as it landed back on him. “So, did Ivan’s dad pay you well, or what?”

The question caught Luka off guard, and for a moment, he looked genuinely startled. Then he nodded as his expression turned back into his usual deadpan.

“You’re not much of a talker tonight,” she remarked suddenly, her tone filled with sarcasm. “What’s the matter, Luka? Cat got your tongue?”

“I just didn’t think you’d want to talk to me,” he admitted, his voice low. “Not after… everything.”

Hyuna let out a dry laugh, shaking her head. “Everything,” she repeated, “You’re gonna have to be more specific. You’ve given me plenty to hold against you.”

Luka didn’t respond, though his gaze still seemed to be fixed on Hyuna- though she did not meet his eyes.

Hyuna smirked faintly, taking the final drag of her cigarette before stubbing it out against the wall. She let it fall to the ground, stepping on it with the heel of her boot. “That said,” she began, brushing her hands off on her jacket, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

The statement caught Luka off guard. His eyes widened slightly, his usual stoic expression cracking as he stared at her. “You… wanted to talk to me?”

Hyuna nodded, crossing her arms as she leaned back against the wall. “Don’t let it go to your head,” she said dryly. “It’s not because I missed you or anything. It’s just… something’s been bothering me.”

Luka’s brows rose up slightly in confusion, and he shifted his weight, looking suddenly unsure of himself. “What is it?”

Hyuna’s gaze finally locked onto his. “When you came to my apartment… I feel like you didn’t tell me the whole story.”

Luka paused as his posture stiffened. “What do you mean?” he asked cautiously, though his tone betrayed that he already knew exactly what she meant.

“I mean,” Hyuna said slowly, her voice steady, “you were hiding something. You still are. And it bothers me.”

Luka’s lips parted slightly, but no words came out. His eyes flickered downward to the crushed cigarette under Hyuna’s boot, then back up to her face. “I don’t know why you think I’m hiding something,” he said, his voice calm. “I told you everything there was to tell.”

Hyuna’s brows furrowed. “Don’t play dumb with me, Luka,” she said, her voice sharper now. “You’ve been lying to me for years, and I know when you’re still doing it. So drop the act.”

“I’m not lying,” Luka insisted, his tone growing firmer as his gaze hardened. “Hyuna, I told you-”

“You told me what you thought I wanted to hear,” she interrupted, stepping closer. Her blue eyes burned into his golden ones, her calm demeanor cracking as the tension beneath the surface began to boil over. “You always do that, Luka. You decide what’s ‘best’ for me, what I should or shouldn’t know, and then you lie through your teeth and expect me to just accept it.”

Luka’s hands clenched in his coat pockets as he took a small step back. “It’s not like that,” he said quietly, his voice barely audible. “I just-”

“Spare me the excuses,” Hyuna snapped, her voice rising. She didn’t care that they were still in the courtyard, that someone might overhear them. Her chest felt tight, her frustration squeezing her throat. “You think you’re protecting me? You’re not. You’re just making it worse.”

Luka flinched at her words, his usual deadpan slipping for a moment. “Hyuna, I-”

“Do you even understand the extent of what you’ve done?” she demanded, her voice trembling with anger. She took another step closer, her finger pushing his chest. “You left me to deal with everything alone. You let me hate you, blame you for everything that happened- Hyun Woo, the adoption, all of it. And now you’re standing here, acting like you’re some kind of… what, savior of mine for keeping secrets? You don’t get to do that.”

“I didn’t… have a choice.” Luka uttered out, his voice was low and hesitant. His expression twisted, a rare scene where emotions were actually crossing his face. “I did not want to leave. I did not… want to let you hate me. You don’t know what it was like- why I had to do it.”

“Then tell me you dumb fuck!” Hyuna yelled, her voice echoing in the quiet courtyard. Her chest moved up and down as she stared him down, her frustration showing in a way she couldn’t control. “If you didn’t want this, then why the hell did you let it happen? Why didn’t you fight for us- for Hyun Woo, for me?”

Luka’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. He looked at her, his eyes wide, his usual composure completely shattered. For a moment, it seemed like he might say something, might finally give her the answers she’d been craving.

But instead, he looked away, his shoulders slumping as he exhaled shakily. “Would you be happier…” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “If I were to die instead of Hyun Woo?”

Hyuna let out a bitter laugh, shaking her head as she stepped back. “What do you think?” she said coldly, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Because I think Hyun Woo wouldn’t get adopted to enjoy the wealth of some rich man and leave me alone if such a thing happened.”

Luka didn’t respond. He just stood there, his gaze fixed on the ground, his hands still buried in his pockets. The silence between them was deafening, filled with all the words neither of them could say

Beep.

Hyuna heard a noise, but she didn’t care at that moment. Her lips pressed into a thin line as she took one last look at him. “You know what, Luka?” she said quietly, though her voice still had the same bite. “I was right to blame you. For everything. Because at the end of the day, you made your choices, and you left me to deal with the fallout. Alone.”

She looked right into his eyes. “My life would be better if I never met you.”

Luka stayed silent for a long moment after Hyuna’s biting words. His shoulders sagged, and his head lowered slightly. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely audible, each word trembling under the strain of his emotions.

“Why do you blame me for wanting to be by your side?” he asked softly, his golden eyes lifting to meet hers, their usual expressionless face  replaced with something… honest.

Hyuna opened her mouth to respond, but Luka kept going, his words tumbling out like he’d been holding them back for years. “Do you know why I didn’t want to get adopted by Hyun Woo’s parents? Why I pushed them away, even though they wanted me first? Even when I was yearning for parental love?” His voice cracked, his breath hitching as he pressed on. “Because I loved you, Hyuna. I couldn’t imagine being alive if you weren’t by my side.”

Hyuna’s lips parted, her expression filled with anger and disbelief, but Luka didn’t let her interrupt. “You and Hyun Woo… you gave me a reason to feel alive,” he said, his voice carrying a lot more emotion than she had ever seen him express. “Before you two, it was just me, fighting every day to stay invisible, to survive. But then you showed up, and suddenly… I wasn’t alone anymore.”

Beep.

The faint sound interrupted the charged silence, but neither of them paid attention. Luka took a shaky breath, his hands trembling as they clenched and unclenched at his sides. “I didn’t feel alive until you and Hyun Woo entered my life,” he continued, his voice gaining strength as he looked her in the eyes. “You gave me something to fight for, something to hold on to. You with your ridiculous smile and your endless need to fight with me. Hyun Woo with his stubborn kindness that I didn’t deserve. You both made me want to stay alive.” He took a deep breath. “And I… I never wanted to let go.”

Hyuna’s chest tightness with anger, her hands shaking as she clenched them into fists. “Then why did you leave me, Luka?” she demanded, her voice rising again, her frustration pouring out. “Why did you choose to get adopted if you couldn’t live without me? Why did you have to fucking leave me to deal with everything alone?”

Luka’s gaze didn’t flinch, though his expression crumbled into something desperate, something almost broken. “Because if I didn’t,” he said, his voice trembling, “I wouldn’t have a life to spend with you to begin with.”

Beep. Beep. 

The sound came again, louder this time, and Hyuna’s brows furrowed as she finally noticed it. “What the fuck is that noise?” she snapped, glancing around, but Luka didn’t seem to hear her. His focus remained entirely on her, his golden eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“I thought,” Luka continued, his voice coming out hoarse, “that if I took the adoption, if I gave myself a chance to build a future, I could come back for you. That we could have something better- something more than just surviving. I wanted to live with you, with Hyun Woo, but I was barely surviving- We. We were barely surviving.”

Hyuna froze, her anger replaced with confusion and something deeper that she refused to acknowledge. “You think that justifies leaving me?” she asked, her voice shaking. “You think that erases everything I went through because you decided it was better for me?”

“I didn’t want to leave you,” Luka said, his voice breaking. “I didn’t want to, Hyuna. But if I didn’t… I wouldn’t have been able to give you anything. I wouldn’t have been able to be anything.”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The sound was louder now, and Hyuna’s frustration appeared again as she tried to place where it came from. “What the hell is that noise, Luka?” she demanded again, but he ignored her, his words pouring out like a spilled cup of molding tea.

“I thought I was doing the right thing,” he said, his tone pleading. “I thought… if I could just survive long enough, if I could just make something of myself, I could come back for you. For Hyun Woo. For us.”

Hyuna’s eyes narrowed, her anger burning hotter as she struggled to control the emotions -her emotions, inside her. “And what about me, huh?” she shot back, her voice trembling with anger. “Did you ever think about what I needed? What I wanted? You left me alone, Luka! You left me to deal with Hyun Woo’s death, with the aftermath of your choices. Do you have any idea what that was like?”

Luka flinched, his shoulders hunching as if her words were physical blows. “I thought I was helping,” he whispered. “I didn’t think Hyun Woo was going to die- I thought I would still be able to contact you, but I wasn’t allowed to and I-”

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

The sound became more insistent, louder with each passing moment. Hyuna’s eyes darted around, her anger giving way to confusion as she tried to figure out where the noise was coming from. Her fists clenched, nails digging into her palms as the beeping grew louder, more insistent, and Luka’s breathing became shallow, uneven.

“Luka, what the hell is that noise?” Hyuna demanded again, her voice sharp and biting again. 

Luka didn’t answer. He was staring at her, his golden eyes glassy, his lips parted as if he were trying to speak but couldn’t find the words.

“I…” He tried to speak, but his words came out choked, his breath hitching as if the very act of talking was a struggle. The beeping quickened, its rhythm syncing with the panic rising in his chest.

Hyuna’s anger disappeared for a second, confusion creeping in as she watched him struggle to breathe. “Luka?” she called, her voice softer now, a hint of concern she didn’t want to admit. “What’s wrong with you?”

Luka didn’t answer immediately. His golden eyes were unfocused, and his chest rose and fell unevenly. His lips parted, but all that came out was a shaky gasp. His hands slipped out of his coat pockets, and Hyuna noticed, for the first time, that his fingertips were a disturbing shade of blue. He clutched at his chest, his body trembling as if he was trying to keep himself upright by his will to live alone. The beeping grew faster, more insistent, like an alarm, and Hyuna’s heart started pounding in her ears.

“Luka!” she yelled, stepping closer, her anger now filled with fear. “What the fuck is that noise? What’s happening to you?”

“I’m… fine,” he managed to let out, but his voice cracked, his body betraying him. 

Before Hyuna could answer, Luka shook his head weakly, his golden eyes locking onto hers, filled with a desperation that made her chest tighten. “I… I thought if I could just explain… if I could just make you understand…” His voice broke again, his breathing growing more irregular. “Hyuna… I just… I wanted to be loved. By you. ”

The words hit her like a punch to the gut, and for a moment, she forgot how to breathe. But Luka didn’t stop, his voice rising louder, more desperate, trying to make his feelings reach her in a way that made his body tremble.

“I’ve never… never been loved like that,” he said, his words coming out between gasps. “Not by my parents- I never met them. Not by fosters, not by anyone. But you… you made me feel like I mattered. Like I was worth something. And all I wanted… all I ever wanted… was to be held by you, to be comforted by you.”

“Luka…” Hyuna whispered, her anger dissolving as her eyes widened in alarm. She reached out instinctively, but he stumbled back, his hand clutching his chest tighter.

“And I ruined it,” Luka choked out, his voice cracking as his legs wobbled. “I was selfish. I wanted you so much, I thought… if I could be better… if I could just… be someone worthy of you…”

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. 

The noise was deafening now, rapid and frantic, matching the uneven rise and fall of Luka’s chest. He let out a strangled gasp, his body doubling over as he grabbed at his heart, his trying to keep in control, trying to hide the pain.

“Luka!” Hyuna shouted, rushing to his side as he swayed dangerously. “What’s happening? Talk to me!”

But Luka didn’t answer. His knees buckled, and he crumpled to the ground, his body shaking as the beeping grew louder, more frantic. Hyuna dropped to her knees beside him, her hands hovering over his trembling frame, unsure of what to do.

“I thought…” Luka whispered, his voice barely audible now, his eyes fluttering shut as tears slipped down his cheeks. “I thought… I could come back to you. That I could… make you love me.“ He tried to inhale, oxygen, air, something- anything. “I never… I never felt anything like your love,” he continued, his voice almost not audible. He clutched his chest tighter. “It was the only thing… the only thing I’ve ever been selfish about. The only thing I have ever wanted for myself with my… free will.”

“Luka, stop fucking talking!” Hyuna ordered, panic impossible to miss in her voice as she tried to shake him awake. “You’re not making any sense- just hold on!”

But Luka’s body grew weaker, his breathing shallow. As his vision blurred, his thoughts took over every emotion he tried so hard to control, every emotion he mastered to control- and a bitter smile curled on his lips.

How pathetic, he thought as darkness closed in around him. Dying while begging to be loved by the only person I’ve ever been selfish for.

BEEEEEEEEEP.

And with that, his body went limp, the beeping becoming continuous like a straight, uninterrupted line.

Chapter 41: march of the fools

Summary:

The teacher’s eyes widened as they registered the situation. Without wasting a second, they pulled their phone out, dialing 119 with practiced precision. “I’m calling an ambulance,” they said firmly, their voice steady even as Hyuna’s panic continued to spiral.

Hyuna sat back on her heels, her hands clutching at her hair as she watched the teacher talk to the operator. Her mind felt like it was splintering, Luka’s words echoing in her head. “I just wanted to be loved… I thought I could come back for you…”

None of it made sense. Why would he push himself to the brink like this? Why did he always have to be so goddamn dramatic?

The walls of Dr. Kim’s office were pure white, basically sterile, except for the occasional scratch of her pen against the clipboard. Luka sat in the chair across her desk, his usual deadpan expression in place, though his fingers tapped absently against the armrest. The faint beeping of the heart monitor clipped to his side felt louder in the quiet room, an annoying thing he couldn’t ignore.

Dr. Kim set her pen down, her eyes scanning the chart in front of her one last time before she looked up, her gaze steady and unyielding. “You’ve been avoiding stress, right?” she asked, though the question carried some sort of an accusation.

Luka tilted his head slightly, his lips twitching into a faint smirk. “Define ‘stress.’”

Dr. Kim sighed, leaning back in her chair as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Luka, this isn’t a joke. You know your condition better than anyone. Your heart is-”

“Fragile, compromised, a ticking time bomb,” Luka cut in, his voice light, almost mocking, as if he was reciting some bad joke he’d heard too many times. He gestured to the monitor clipped to his waistband. “You think I don’t get it? This thing beeps every time I breathe too hard.”

Her sharp gaze didn’t disappear. “And yet you’re here looking more lost in control than usual. Have you been following the diet I gave you? Monitoring your blood pressure? Actually using the stress management techniques we discussed?”

“Sure,” Luka replied, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. “I do yoga every morning, meditate before bed, and whisper sweet nothings to this little machine on my hip. Very therapeutic.”

Dr. Kim’s lips thinned, her patience clearly wearing off. “Luka,” she said, her tone firmer now, “this isn’t something you can joke your way out of. Your heart is under severe strain, and every time you push yourself- whether physically or emotionally, you’re risking another episode. If that happens, and we don’t get you stabilized in time…” She trailed off, letting the implication hang in the air.

Luka’s smirk faded, his gaze dropping to the corner of her desk. He didn’t need her to finish. He’d heard it all before, seen the worry in her eyes every time she brought up his condition. But hearing it didn’t make it any easier to swallow.

“What about the surgery?” he asked after a moment, his voice quieter, less sarcastic. “You said there was something new.”

Dr. Kim nodded, folding her hands on the desk. “There’s a procedure we’re looking into- an upgrade that could significantly improve your condition. It’s still in the trial phase, but initial results have been promising. If we proceed, it could give you a much better quality of life.”

Luka raised an eyebrow. “Sounds great. What’s the catch?”

“The surgery is risky,” she admitted, her voice hesitant. “And even if it’s successful, it won’t be a cure. You’ll still need to avoid stress and manage your lifestyle carefully. The monitor stays, at least for the foreseeable future. You’ll need regular check-ins, follow-ups, and-”

“Basically, I’d still be a walking warning label,” Luka interrupted, his tone dry but his expression unreadable. “Good to know.”

Dr. Kim sighed again, leaning forward slightly. “Luka, I need you to take this seriously. If you keep pushing yourself the way you have been… you won’t make it to the surgery, let alone benefit from it. Avoid stress, avoid overexertion, and please, let people help you.”

Luka let out a faint chuckle, though it held no humor. “Yeah, sure. I’ll avoid stress. No problem.”

Dr. Kim’s gaze softened, her frustration giving way to something gentler. “You’re not invincible, Luka,” she said quietly. 

Luka didn’t respond immediately. He stared at the floor, the faint beeping of the monitor filling the silence between them. “Yeah,” he said finally, his voice low. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

The beeping had faded away as he left the office, a sound he’d learned to tune out- until it decided to remind him of its presence at the worst possible times.

Luka exhaled sharply, the chill of the hospital corridor biting against his skin as he stepped outside. Avoid stress, overexertion… easier said than done. 

How does one even avoid stress when the only thing you ever wanted is the one thing that keeps tearing you apart?

-

The courtyard was quiet except for the frantic beeping of Luka’s heart monitor. Hyuna hovered over his collapsed form, her breaths coming fast and shallow. Her hands trembled as she gripped his shoulders, shaking him roughly.

“Luka, get up!” she yelled, her voice breaking. “Stop being dramatic and wake up, you selfish asshole!”

But Luka didn’t respond. His golden eyes were half-closed, his chest rising and falling unevenly as his hands twitched against the concrete. Hyuna’s mind raced, trying to make sense of what had just happened. One moment he was yelling, pouring his heart out, and the next, he was… this.

The beeping was deafening now, uninterrupting, unavoidable, matching the panic clawing at her chest. Her usual composure, her practiced indifference, was nowhere to be found. She crouched closer, grabbing his face with both hands, forcing him to look at her.

“Don’t you dare die on me, Luka,” she growled, though her voice shook. “Not after everything you put me through. You don’t get to just… collapse like this!”

He still didn’t move, and Hyuna felt something crawl up her spine. Her gaze darted around the empty courtyard, searching for someone- anyone, who could help. The world felt far too quiet, the distant sound of applause from the auditorium mocking her panic.

“Shit,” she muttered under her breath, her hands fumbling as she yanked her phone out of her pocket. Her fingers shook so badly she almost dropped it, the screen lighting up with the group chat she’d been scrolling through earlier.

She stared at it for a moment, frozen. Who was she supposed to call? Mizi? Sua? No, they were backstage, completely oblivious. The emergency number flashed in her mind, but before she could act, a voice cut through the stillness.

“Hey! What’s going on here?”

Her head snapped up, her blue eyes locking onto the figure standing a few feet away. It was a teacher, one she didn’t recognize. They wore a lanyard with an ID badge, but Hyuna couldn’t focus on reading it. Their expression shifted from confusion to alarm as they took in the scene.

“Is that… Luka?” they asked, their voice rising in recognition.

Hyuna blinked, momentarily thrown by the question. “Yeah, it’s Luka,” she snapped. “But who cares who he is right now? He’s not breathing right!”

The teacher hurried closer, their initial awe at Luka’s celebrity status quickly giving way to concern. “What happened?” they asked, kneeling beside Luka.

“I don’t know!” Hyuna snapped again, her voice filled with frustration and fear. “He just… collapsed! He was fine, and then- then he started gasping, and this damn beeping-” She gestured wildly at the heart monitor on Luka’s waist, her voice breaking. “I don’t know what to do!”

The teacher’s eyes widened as they registered the situation. Without wasting a second, they pulled their phone out, dialing 119 with practiced precision. “I’m calling an ambulance,” they said firmly, their voice steady even as Hyuna’s panic continued to spiral.

Hyuna sat back on her heels, her hands clutching at her hair as she watched the teacher talk to the operator. Her mind felt like it was splintering, Luka’s words echoing in her head. “I just wanted to be loved… I thought I could come back for you…”

None of it made sense. Why would he push himself to the brink like this? Why did he always have to be so goddamn dramatic?

“Miss,” the teacher’s voice pulled her back from her thoughts. Their tone was calm but firm. “Help’s on the way. We just need to keep him stable until they get here.”

“Stable?” she repeated, her voice hollow. “I don’t even know what’s wrong with him.”

The teacher glanced down at Luka, their brows furrowing. “Does he have a condition? Anything like… a heart problem?”

“I don’t know!” Hyuna snapped again, her eyes wild. “He didn’t tell me anything. He just fell!”

The teacher nodded, their expression unreadable as they moved to check Luka’s pulse. Hyuna watched helplessly, her hands still trembling as she stared at Luka’s pale face. The vibrant, self assured mask he usually wore was gone, replaced by something so fragile, something so terrifyingly human.

“Come on,” she muttered under her breath, her voice shaking. “You’re not allowed to do this. Not to me. Not like this.”

The sound of distant sirens grew louder, and for the first time since Luka had collapsed, Hyuna felt a hint of relief. She didn’t look away from him, though. She couldn’t.

“You hear that?” she whispered, leaning closer to his ear. “Help is coming. So don’t you fucking dare give up now, Luka.”

But his chest rose and fell with the same uneven beat. 

-

The orphanage was quiet that evening, except for the voices from the common room where the younger children were playing. Luka sat on the worn couch in the corner of Shine’s office, his knees drawn up to his chest as he rested his chin on them. His golden eyes, usually filled with a slightly mischievous light, were dulled with exhaustion. The ache in his chest, faint but persistent, gnawed at him like a silent warning. He clenched his fists tightly, as if trying to push the pain away.

Shine stood near the window of her office, her arms crossed as she watched him with worry and… helplessness. She’d known for a while that Luka’s condition was worsening. The medication and treatments they could afford barely kept him stable, and there was only so much she could do. She had tried to shield him from the truth, but the signs were clear now, even to Luka.

“Luka,” she said softly, stepping closer. “You need to rest. Pushing yourself like this isn’t helping.”

Luka didn’t answer. He stared at the carpet, his thoughts foggy and dark. He hated the way his body betrayed him, how weak he felt. But more than that, he hated the idea of leaving. Leaving Hyuna. Leaving the life he knew, no matter how imperfect it was.

The sound of approaching footsteps broke the silence. Shine turned toward the door just as it opened, revealing a man dressed in an expensive looking suit. He seemed to have an air of wealth and control, his movements precise as he stepped into the room. Shine straightened, her face carefully neutral.

“Mr. Heperu,” she greeted him politely. “Thank you for coming.”

The man gave a nod, his wide eyes sweeping over the room before settling on Luka. “This is him?” he asked, his voice smooth but cold.

“Yes,” Shine replied, glancing back at Luka. “This is Luka. He’s… very bright. And talented.”

Luka raised his head slowly, his golden eyes narrowing as he studied the man. There was something about him that made Luka’s stomach twist- a presence that felt both commanding and distant. He didn’t trust him, but then again, he didn’t trust anyone besides Hyuna and Hyun Woo.

Mr. Heperu stepped closer, his polished shoes clicking softly against the floor. “You’re Luka,” he said, his tone more like a statement than a question. “I’ve heard about your condition. It’s unfortunate.”

Luka got annoyed at the detached way the man spoke about him, as if he were an object to be appraised. “And who are you supposed to be?” he muttered.

Shine shot Luka a warning glance but didn’t scold him about it. Mr. Heperu, however, merely smiled/ a cold, calculated smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m someone who can help you,” he said simply. “Your condition requires expensive treatments, surgeries that this place cannot provide. I have the means to ensure you get everything you need to live.”

Luka’s fists clenched tighter. “And what’s the catch?” he asked, his voice low.

“The catch,” Mr. Heperu said, his smile fading, “is that you obey my rules. You will be my son in name only. You will do as I say, without question, and in return, I will fund your medical needs. I’ll even provide for your… friend, Hyuna, if that’s what it takes to convince you.”

Shine’s face tightened, but she remained silent, her hands fidgeting nervously in front of her. She knew how much Luka was dependent onto the bonds he’d formed with Hyuna and Hyun Woo (although he was adopted now). But she also knew what would happen if he stayed.

“Luka,” she said gently, her voice trembling. “If you don’t go… if you don’t take this chance… you won’t survive much longer. The treatments you need, the surgeries- this is the only way.”

Luka turned to her, a feeling of betrayal in his eyes. “You’re just going to let him take me?” he asked. “You’re just going to hand me over like some… thing?”

Shine flinched but didn’t back down. “It’s not about that,” she said, her voice breaking. “It’s about giving you a chance to live. Please, Luka. If you stay here… I can’t help you anymore.”

Luka looked between Shine and Mr. Heperu, his mind racing. He hated the idea of leaving, of becoming someone else’s possession. But the heaviness in his chest, the way the world seemed to tilt whenever he stood up too fast, reminded him of his condition.

And then there was Hyuna. If Mr. Heperu was serious about providing for her too…

“Fine,” Luka said finally, his voice low. “I’ll go.”

Shine let out a shaky breath, relief and sorrow in her expression. Mr. Heperu nodded approvingly, as if Luka had made the only logical choice. “Good,” he said. “We’ll begin the paperwork immediately.”

Luka stood slowly, his movements stiff as Mr. Heperu and Shine started discussing the process. He walked towards the door, and neither stopped him as they seemed to have understood he needed some time to process what he’d just agreed to.

The second he left the office and closed the door behind him, a familiar noise called his name.

“Luka!”

Luka froze, his breath catching in his throat as Hyuna ran up to him, her face glowing with excitement. She held a slightly crumpled envelope in her hand, waving it.

“You won’t believe it!” she exclaimed, her blue eyes sparkling with joy. “We got another letter from Hyun Woo! Shine gave it to me like ten minutes ago- come on, let’s read it together!”

Her voice was so full of energy, so alive, that for a moment Luka forgot the crushing conversation he’d just had. He glanced at the door, thinking. Then he stopped. He didn’t want to ruin this moment for her- not yet.

Pushing the ache in his chest aside, he forced a smile, though it felt like it might crack his face in half. “A letter from Hyun Woo?” he said, his voice steady despite the rage inside him. “Let’s read it.”

Hyuna’s grin widened as she grabbed his arm, pulling him toward the couch in the common room and she sat down. “Come on, let’s read it before the little ones find us and start asking a million questions.”

Luka followed her. “Sit, idiot,” she said, patting the spot next to her. “Don’t just stand there looking all serious.”

Luka chuckled softly, lowering himself onto the couch. He leaned back, trying to compose himself in a relaxed posture as Hyuna unfolded the letter. Her excitement was almost contagious, and for a moment, the tension in his chest eased.

“Okay, here it goes,” she said, clearing her throat dramatically before beginning to read.

Dear Hyuna and Luka,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you’re both doing okay. Things here have been… different. My new family is nice, but it’s not the same as being with you two. I miss you so much. I miss our late night talks, our dumb arguments, and how we always managed to make things fun even when we had nothing.

The dad here works a lot, and the mom is kind, but it feels strange, you know? Like I don’t quite fit. But I’m trying. I want to make the most of this chance. They’ve been talking about letting me start art classes, and I’m kind of excited about it. Remember how we used to draw on the orphanage walls with chalk? I still do that sometimes, but now it’s on paper. It’s not the same without you.

Luka, don’t be so stubborn. I know you are. Take care of yourself, okay? And Hyuna, boss around Luka too much.

You guys are my real family and I’ll never forget that. I love you guys.

I’ll write again soon. 

Love,

Hyun Woo

Hyuna’s voice shook slightly as she finished reading, and Luka could see the tears glistening in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand, sniffling as she folded the letter and clutched it to her chest.

“Damn him,” she muttered, her voice filled with emotion. “Why does he have to make me cry like this?”

Luka swallowed hard, his throat tightening as he forced another smile. “Because he’s Hyun Woo,” he said softly, rubbing his cheek against Hyuna’s shoulder. “That’s just who he is.”

Hyuna let out a watery laugh, nudging him with her elbow. “You’re lucky I’m in a good mood, or I’d kick your ass for being so clingy.”

Luka smirked, leaning back against the couch. “Sure, you would.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Luka felt his chest ache again, but this time it wasn’t just the physical pain- it was the knowledge that he wouldn’t be here for moments like this much longer. The adoption process would take time, but it was inevitable. And when the day came, he would have to leave this behind.

But for now, he allowed himself to stay in this moment, to feel the warmth of Hyuna’s presence and the bittersweet comfort of Hyun Woo’s words.

“I miss him,” Hyuna said quietly, her voice barely audible. “But I’m glad he’s okay- and happy.”

Luka nodded, his forced smile softening into something real, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah,” he said. “Me too.”

And for the first time in a long while, he let himself believe that maybe, just maybe, everything would turn out okay- even if he had to sacrifice everything to make it happen.

-

The fluorescent lights of the emergency room were harsh. Hyuna sat on one of the plastic chairs in the waiting area, her hands balled into fists on her lap. She stared at the floor, its dull pattern swimming in and out of focus as her thoughts raced.

The ride to the hospital had been a blur. Paramedics had swarmed Luka, attaching wires, checking vitals, speaking in hurried tones and terms that Hyuna couldn’t understand. She had followed the ambulance in silence, her fists clenched tightly.

Now, everything settled on her chest, suffocating and unrelenting.

The doors to the treatment area were closed, a barrier between her and Luka. She wanted to barge in, to demand answers, but the stern look from the nurse at the desk had stopped her. Instead, she sat, waiting, her mind replaying the last moments in the courtyard over and over.

“I just wanted to be loved.”

His words echoed in her head, louder than the sirens, louder than the beeping of the heart monitor. Hyuna clenched her jaw, forcing herself not to cry. She didn’t cry. Not for Luka. Not for anyone. Not since Hyun Woo.

The sound of footsteps broke through her thoughts. A doctor emerged from the double doors, still wearing their scrubs, their mask pulled down to reveal a tired but calm expression. Hyuna shot to her feet, her heart pounding as she closed the distance between them.

“Is he okay?” she demanded, her voice sharper than intended. “Is Luka-”

The doctor held up a hand, cutting her off gently. “He’s stable for now,” they said. “But his condition is serious.”

Hyuna’s stomach twisted. “What does that mean?” she asked, her voice quieter now. “What’s wrong with him?”

The doctor sighed. “Luka has a pre-existing heart condition. From what we can tell, he’s been managing it with medication and monitoring, but the stress he experienced today caused a cardiac episode.”

Hyuna blinked, her mind racing to process the words. “A cardiac episode? What does that even mean? He just- he was talking, and then he-” Her voice broke, and she bit her lip hard to steady herself.

“It means his heart couldn’t handle the strain,” the doctor explained, their tone gentle but firm. “We’re running tests now to determine the extent of the damage. He’s very lucky to have made it here in time.”

Hyuna let out a shaky breath, her hands gripping the edge of the chair next to her. “Can I see him?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

The doctor hesitated. “He’s sedated right now,” they said. “But you can sit with him for a few minutes. Just… try to keep calm. He needs rest more than anything else.”

Hyuna nodded quickly, not trusting herself to speak. The doctor gestured for her to follow, and she trailed behind them down the hallway, her boots echoing faintly against the floor.

When they reached Luka’s room, Hyuna paused, her breath catching in her throat. He lay on the hospital bed, his face pale against the white sheets. Wires and tubes surrounded him, connecting him to various machines that beeped softly in the background. The steady beat of the heart monitor was nothing but a cruel reminder of what had happened.

Hyuna stepped inside, her movements slow and hesitant. She stopped at the side of the bed, her gaze fixed on Luka’s face. Without the usual fake smile, without the emptiness in his eyes, he looked so… vulnerable. Fragile.

She swallowed hard. “You idiot,” she muttered under her breath, her voice shaking. “You’re such a selfish, dramatic idiot.”

Luka didn’t respond, of course. His chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm, the only sign that he was still alive. Hyuna sat down in the chair close to the bed, her shoulders slumping as the weight of everything finally caught up to her.

“I told you not to die,” she whispered, her voice filled with emotion. “And you didn’t. But don’t think this means you get to slack off now.”

Her hands trembled as she reached out, hesitating for a moment before taking Luka’s limp hand in hers. His skin was cool, his fingertips still slightly blue, and the sight made something twist painfully in her chest.

“You’re not allowed to leave,” she said softly, her thumb brushing over his knuckles. “Not yet. Not like this.”

-

Hyuna and Luka sat in their usual corner, the large table they shared with other children felt too small now that they were grown. Hyuna’s sharp blue eyes darted between Luka and the letter in his hand, the crisp corners of the envelope crumpled from his grip.

She hated how quiet he was being, hated how he wouldn’t just say whatever was clearly eating him from the inside. Luka, who was never at a loss for a sarcastic comment through his expressionless face now looked… small. It made something heavy settle in her chest, though she refused to acknowledge it as worry.

“What’s your problem?” she finally asked, her tone harsher than she intended. “You’ve been acting weird all day.”

Luka’s golden eyes flicked up to meet hers, and for a moment, there was something in his eyes. Something sad. He exhaled, letting the letter fall onto the table between them.

“I’m getting adopted,” he said flatly.

Hyuna blinked, her mind stuttering over the words. “Adopted?” she repeated, her voice rising slightly. “By who? Since when?”

Luka’s gaze dropped again, his hands fidgeting as he leaned back in his chair. “Some rich guy. He came by Shine’s office last month. Guess he liked what he saw.”

Hyuna stared at him, her mind racing to catch up. “You’re… leaving?” she asked, her voice quieter now, a little shaky from the disbelief. “You’re actually leaving?”

Luka didn’t respond immediately. He leaned forward, resting an elbow on the table while he used his other hand to drag it across Hyuna’s dark hair. “I’m sorry,” he said finally, his voice low. “ If I stay here, I won’t-” He stopped himself, biting down on his lower lip. “I have to go.”

Hyuna’s chest tightened, anger and something dangerously close to fear building up inside her. “So that’s it?” she snapped, her voice trembling. “You’re just going to leave? What about me? What about Hyun Woo?”

Luka flinched at the mention of Hyun Woo, his expression cracking for a brief second before he forced it back into his usual deadpan. “I… think I deserve a chance at what a family feels like, don’t you think?”

Hyuna scoffed, leaning back in her chair with her arms crossed. “Yeah, well, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you decided to be my family,” she shot back. “Families don’t just leave, Luka.” She turned her head away.

“I’m not leaving you!” Luka’s voice rose suddenly, louder than she’d ever heard it. The outburst startled her, and for a moment, the entire room seemed to hold its breath. Luka leaned forward, his golden eyes glistening as he stared at her. “I’m not leaving you,” he repeated, his voice quieter now. “I’ll call you. I’ll write. I’ll- whatever it takes, I’ll stay in touch.”

Hyuna narrowed her eyes, skepticism etched across her face. “You’re serious?”

“Yes.” Luka reached into his pocket, pulling out a small piece of paper and sliding it across the table. “This is my new phone number. The guy- my… adoptive dad- he said I’d have a private line. You can call me anytime.”

Hyuna eyed the paper, her fingers hovering over it before finally snatching it up. “You better answer,” she muttered, her voice still sharp. “If I call and you don’t pick up, I’ll hunt you down, Luka. I swear.”

A faint smile tugged at the corner of Luka’s lips, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “I wouldn’t mind if you did.” he said softly.

Time passed, and Luka was gone, adopted into a world far removed from the orphanage. Hyuna remained, now the oldest kid left behind, watching as one by one, the others found families, leaving her to face the quiet halls and empty beds. Each goodbye felt heavier, the space around her growing lonelier as she stayed behind, the constant witness to everyone else’s new beginnings.

And…

The phone number didn’t work.

At first, Hyuna thought it was a mistake. Maybe she’d dialed it wrong. She tried again, carefully punching in each number with trembling fingers, but the robotic voice on the other end repeated the same message.

“The number you have dialed is not in service. Please check the number and try again.”

She stared at the phone in her hand, her heart pounding as frustration and confusion rose in her chest. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Luka had promised- he’d promised they would stay in touch.

For weeks, she tried. She called every day, her stubbornness refusing to let her give up, even as the message never changed. She wrote letters, pouring her anger and sadness onto paper, sending them to the address Luka had given her. But none of them came back. None of them got a response.

And slowly, the truth began to sink in.

Luka was gone.

She didn’t know if it was his choice or his adoptive father’s, didn’t know if he’d forgotten about her or if he’d been forced to cut ties. All she knew was that the one person she’d counted on since Hyun Woo got adopted two years ago, the one person who had promised not to leave, had broken that promise.

Hyuna stood in the orphanage’s courtyard one evening, the cold air hitting at her skin as she stared at the small piece of paper in her hand. It was worn and wrinkly from how often she’d held it, the ink smudged from her fingers. She stared at the number, her jaw tightening as anger and hurt squeezed her heart.

With a sharp exhale, she crumpled the paper and burned it with a lighter, dropping it as it turned into ashes. “Fuck you, Luka,” she muttered under her breath, her voice shaking. “I don’t need you.”

But the words felt like a lie, even when she stomped away, leaving the crumpled paper behind, she knew deep down how hard it would be to erase her feelings for him.

Chapter 42: bloomed

Summary:

As Mizi stepped backstage, her face was flushed, her breaths shallow, her shoulders rising and falling with the exertion of her performance. She wiped a stray tear from her cheek, her gaze flickering briefly to Sua before darting away.

Sua’s heart ached at the sight. Mizi’s dance had been a masterpiece, a cry from the depths of her soul. The soul that loved Mizi so much. The soul that has the belief of Sua being her universe, her God.

Mizi closed her eyes for a moment, letting the lingering echoes of the song settle in her chest. The performance had drained her, both physically and emotionally. Yet, it wasn’t exhaustion she felt now- it was something heavier, something tender. 

The room was too quiet except for the constant rhythm of the heart monitor and the occasional shuffle of papers from the nurse on duty. Hyuna sat on the stiff hospital chair, her legs stretched out and arms crossed, exhaustion in her limbs. She wasn’t sure why she stayed. Maybe it was guilt, or habit, or some deep placed loyalty in her heart that she wished she didn’t have. Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter. She was here.

The door opened softly as a doctor stepped inside. Her expression was polite but firm as she approached Hyuna.

“You’re Miss Hyuna, correct?” the doctor asked, her tone professional.

Hyuna straightened slightly, brushing her hair out of her face. “Yeah. That’s me.”

The doctor glanced at Luka, still unconscious in the bed, before returning her attention to Hyuna. “Mr. Heperu has taken over as Luka’s primary contact and legal guardian. Since he’s here to handle everything, you’re free to leave whenever you’d like.”

Hyuna’s eyes flickered to Luka, his face still pale. “Right,” she muttered, “Of course.”

The doctor offered a small nod before stepping back toward the door. “If you have any questions, let the nurses know. Otherwise, thank you for staying with him.”

Hyuna didn’t respond, her gaze fixed on Luka as the door closed behind the doctor. For a moment, she didn’t move, her mind foggy with thoughts she didn’t want to entertain.

She had done her part, hadn’t she? She’d stayed. Made sure he was alive. Yelled at the people who treated him like a disposable tool. What more could she do?

Why does it feel like this isn’t enough? she thought.

Her hands clenched into fists on her lap, everything pressing against her chest, making it hurt. She hated this- this feeling of helplessness. Hated that no matter how much she wanted to punch sense into Luka, it wouldn’t fix anything.

With a shaky breath, she stood, smoothing her jacket out as she stared at Luka one last time. “You don’t make it easy, you know that?” she said quietly. The words hung in the air for a moment before she turned and walked to the door. She hesitated, her hand on the handle, her heart in battle with her head. But she pushed it down.

“Take care of yourself,” she muttered, more to herself than to him, as she stepped out into the hallway.

Unbeknownst to her, Luka’s fingers twitched against the sheets. His golden eyes fluttered open just a fraction, hazy and unfocused. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been drifting in and out of consciousness, but her voice- sharp, familiar, and unmistakably hers, had pulled him back to the surface.

He heard her leave. Felt the absence of her presence like a cold void in the room.

His chest tightened, not just from the lingering pain, but from the crushing feeling of her absence.

“Take care of yourself.”

She was leaving. She thought he didn’t care. That he didn’t want her to stay.

Luka’s lips parted, his voice no more than a strained whisper. “Hyuna…”

But it was too late. She was gone, the sound of the door clicking shut echoing in the silence.

He closed his eyes again, his breath shaky as he fought the ache in his chest. He wanted to tell her to stay. To explain. To apologize. But his body betrayed him, too weak to do more than exist.

In the quiet room, with only the beeping monitor for company, Luka felt the familiar sting of helplessness rise up in his chest.

I didn’t want you to go, he thought, the words trapped in his mind, unable to escape.

And for the first time in a long while, Luka remembered how much he hated silence.

-

The muffled sound of applause echoed through the backstage corridors as Sua leaned against the wall, her arms crossed tightly. She leaned against the cold wall, the fabric of the curtain brushing against her shoulder as she peeked out toward the stage. Her eyes were fixed on one figure in particular, framed by the dim lighting before the spotlight claimed her.

Mizi.

She stood motionless in the center of the stage, her head bowed slightly, her arms at her sides. The audience hushed as the opening notes of Oh My Clematis began to play, delicate, like a prayer.

“Oh my Clematis
Hope that bloomed with darkness abyss

Oh my Clematis
Stay forever by my side.”

 The stage lights brightened gradually, illuminating her white ballet dress. It shimmered softly against the blackened background.

Then, she moved.

Her first step was slow, deliberate, as if she were testing the space around her. Her arms extended gracefully, fingers curling like the petals of a flower blooming at dawn. The soft melody guided her, and she surrendered to it completely, her body flowing like water. Each movement was precise yet natural. her feet skimming the floor like gravity had no effect on her.

Sua felt her breath hitch as Mizi spun, her silhouette catching the light in a way that seemed to make her glow. The audience sat enraptured, but Sua’s attention was far more personal. This wasn’t just a performance. This was Mizi baring her soul.

The second part of lyrics began, and Mizi’s pace quickened, her movements matching the rhythm of the song.

“You bloomed from

The huge black wall

the galactic starlight

in your eyes spreads out”

Mizi leapt into the air, weightless, her arms reaching outward as if grasping for something- someone. She landed seamlessly, the force of her descent absorbed by the delicate arch of her feet. Her head tilted upward, her gaze fixed on a point far beyond the stage, beyond the theater, as though she were searching for a distant star.

“In the endless darkness

I find you with your scent”

The music continued, and her pirouettes became sharper, her steps more desperate. Her hands reached toward the sky before curling back toward her chest, a gesture of longing and retreat. The balance between her precision and raw emotion was breathtaking, the tension in every line of her body telling a story that words couldn’t convey.

“Even if i sleep in infinity 

Don’t leave my universe”

Sua’s hands tightened at her sides. It was as if Mizi wasn’t dancing to the song but living it, embodying every note and lyric.

“Oh my Clematis
Hope that bloomed with darkness abyss

Oh my Clematis
Stay forever by my side.”

When the music softened, Mizi slowed, her movements becoming almost tender. Her arms stretched outward, her fingers trembling slightly as if brushing against something fragile. The spotlight dimmed, and she danced in shadow, her silhouette the only thing visible as the bridge echoed through the theater.

“Ahh…”

It was to watch, to hear, to feel everything when it was layered over the delicate melody while the lights moved around, changing colors into the projection of a clematis haze. 

Mizi’s movements grew smaller, more introspective. She turned slowly, her hand reaching outward before pulling back toward her chest. The vulnerability in her posture was impossible to miss, her body trembling as she folded her upper body inward for a moment while moving her feet, only to rise again, her arms lifting like a prayer.

The chorus swelled once more, and Mizi exploded into motion, her final series of leaps and turns and jumps a display of unrestrained emotion. The spotlight intensified, capturing the tears glistening in her eyes as she spun, her dress flaring around her like the petals of a flower in full bloom.

“Oh my Clematis
Can’t you stay here by my side…?
My dear Clematis.”

The last note lingered in the air as Mizi froze mid-pose, her arms reaching upward, her gaze locked on the heavens. The stage lights faded to darkness, leaving her as little more than a shadow before the curtains began to lower.

The theater erupted into another applause, the biggest one from the dance performances so far. Sua stood frozen, her chest tightening as she watched Mizi’s silhouette bow slightly before stepping out of the spotlight and into the wings.

As Mizi stepped backstage, her face was flushed, her breaths shallow, her shoulders rising and falling with the exertion of her performance. She wiped a stray tear from her cheek, her gaze flickering briefly to Sua before darting away.

Sua’s heart ached at the sight. Mizi’s dance had been a masterpiece, a cry from the depths of her soul. The soul that loved Mizi so much. The soul that has the belief of Sua being her universe, her God.

Mizi closed her eyes for a moment, letting the lingering echoes of the song settle in her chest. The performance had drained her, both physically and emotionally. Yet, it wasn’t exhaustion she felt now- it was something heavier, something tender. 

“Hey.”

Mizi opened her eyes to see Sua standing a few feet away, her figure illuminated by the dim light spilling in from the corridor. There was something hesitant in Sua’s posture, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her blazer, but her gaze was fixed on her eyes, filled with warmth and something Mizi couldn’t quite name.

“You were…” Sua’s voice trailed off, looking at her with admiration while searching for the right words. Finally, she let out a soft sigh, stepping closer. “You were beautiful, Mizi. I mean, you always are, but out there…” She wrapped her arms around her wasit. “It was like you were… shining.”

Mizi blinked, caught off guard by the hug. A faint flush appeared on her face, over all of that makeup- and wrapped her arms around her neck as she looked down, a small smile tugging at her lips. “It wasn’t just me,” she murmured. “It was the song, the lights… everything.”

“No,” Sua said firmly, rubbing her head by her shoulder though she did not break eye contact “It was you.”

The feeling of Sua's gaze on her made Mizi’s breath hitch. She looked down again, meeting her eyes, and for a moment, everything else disappeared- the noise, the exhaustion, the ache from the performance. It was just them.

“I…” Mizi started, her voice trembling slightly. “I wasn’t sure if you’d like it.”

Sua’s brow furrowed, her expression softening into something almost pained. “How could I not?” she whispered. “Mizi, every step you took out there… it was like you were telling a story. And I felt it. I felt all of it.”

Mizi’s heart skipped a beat in her chest. “You… you did?”

Sua nodded, her hands reaching out tentatively until they rested lightly on the back of Mizi’s shoulders. Mizi found herself leaning into it without thinking.

“I did,” Sua said softly. “And it made me realize something.”

Mizi’s breath caught as Sua leaned in slightly, their faces mere inches apart. “What?” she asked, her voice barely audible.

Sua hesitated for a moment, her gaze flickering between Mizi’s eyes and her lips. Then, with a deep breath, she said, “You make me believe in things I thought I’d have to choose in between. In love or… In… some kind of faith. In… us.”

Mizi’s eyes widened, and she felt a warmth blooming in her chest, spreading outward until it reached every corner of her being. Without thinking, she reached up, her hands trembling slightly as they cupped Sua’s face.

“I don’t know if I deserve that,” Mizi admitted, her voice shaking. “But if I’m your universe… you’re my God,, Sua. You’re the one thing that makes me want to be selfish.”

Before Sua could respond, a sharp voice interrupted them, cutting through the tender moment like a blade.

“Mizi, Sua!” one of the teachers called, stepping into view from the hallway. “What are you two doing here? Everyone is supposed to be back at the backstage area for the final curtain call.”

Both girls froze, their gazes snapping toward the teacher. Sua dropped her hands from Mizi’s shoulders, her cheeks flushing as if they’d been caught doing something far more scandalous. Mizi straightened, the vulnerability in her posture replaced with a practiced calm.

“Sorry, Miss” Mizi said quickly, her voice steady despite the disappointment in her eyes. “We’ll be right there.”

The teacher gave them a brief, scrutinizing glance before nodding. “Hurry up. The audience is waiting.”

As the teacher disappeared down the hallway, Mizi let out a soft sigh, turning back to Sua. Their earlier intimacy was still heavy in the air, but the interruption had made it harder to return to that vulnerable space.

“We should go,” Mizi murmured, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “We don’t want to get in trouble.”

Sua hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, you’re right.”

As they walked back toward the backstage area, Mizi pulled her phone from her bag, her fingers flying over the screen. She sent a quick text to Till, her closest confidant, wanting to share a piece of what had just happened.

till

just finished the performanceee 

it was more overwhelming than i thought 

where are you?

17:54

She hit send, her steps slowing as she stared at the screen, waiting for a reply. But nothing came. She frowned slightly, biting her lip as they reached the deeper parts of the backstage area, where the other dancers were chatting and changing out of their costumes.

“Everything okay?” Sua asked, noticing the crease in Mizi’s brow.

Mizi shook her head, slipping her phone back into her bag. “It’s nothing. I just… Till usually answers right away.”

Sua tilted her head. “Maybe he’s busy? Do you want to go look for him?”

Mizi hesitated, her fingers brushing her ballet skirt. “Would that be weird?”

“Not if we go together,” Sua replied, her tone gentle but firm. She reached out, lacing her fingers through Mizi’s. “Come on. Let’s find him.”

The two of them left backstage and walked through the busy corridors, the post performance chatter growing fainter as they reached deeper into the quieter parts of the building. Mizi’s worry grew with each empty hallway they passed.

Mizi glanced down at her phone, frowning slightly once again. “Still nothing,” she muttered. “Till’s usually the one spamming me after a performance. I hope he’s okay.”

Sua gave her a knowing look, a sly smile tugging at her lips. “Maybe he’s a little… preoccupied,” she teased.

Mizi raised an eyebrow but couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face. “You think?”

As they rounded a corner mid conversation, a faint sound- soft murmurs and muffled laughters, caught their attention. Mizi’s steps slowed, and she tilted her head toward the source of the noise.

“Did you hear that?” she whispered.

Sua nodded, her expression curious. “It came from over there.”

The two of them exchanged a glance before quietly approaching the slightly ajar door of an empty classroom. Mizi peeked through the gap, her eyes widening at the sight inside.

Till was seated on the edge of a desk, his hands resting lightly on Ivan’s shoulders as Ivan stood between his legs. They were close- so close that there was no mistaking whatever was going between them. Ivan said something softly, his voice too low to make out, and Till laughed, his head tipping back slightly as Ivan leaned in and kissed him.

Mizi blinked, then pulled back to look at Sua, her expression somewhere between surprise and amusement. “I am not even surprised this is the first thing they decided to do after their performance,” she whispered, biting back a grin.

Sua raised an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at her lips. “Well, at least they’ve stopped pretending they’re just friends.”

Mizi stifled a giggle and pushed the door open just enough to step inside. “What’s upp!” she called out, her voice cutting through the quiet.

Till and Ivan jumped apart, though not with the usual panic. Till’s cheeks flushed red as he blinked, trying to process what;s going on. Ivan, on the other hand, simply leaned back against the desk.

“Mizi,” Till muttered, his voice in utter shock and mortification. “Why?”

“Why not?” Mizi shot back, grinning as she leaned casually against the doorframe. Sua followed, her arms crossed and an simple look on her face. “I mean, it’s not like we didn’t know.”

Till blinked again, his blush deepening. “You knew?”

Sua shrugged, a smirk appearing on her face. “It wasn’t exactly subtle. The stares, the ‘accidental’ touches, the whole ‘I hate him but spend all my time with him’ act?”

Mizi giggled, her grin widening. “Honestly, it was just a matter of time. But I have to say, catching you two mid-makeout session? That’s a bonus.”

Ivan chuckled quietly, shaking his head. “If you were expecting me to deny it, you’re out of luck,” he said, his tone light. “But do you mind giving us a little privacy?”

Mizi raised her eyebrows, her tone playful. “Privacy? You guys didn’t even catch my performance because you were too busy shoving your tongues down each other's throats! And I am looking at you, Till. How dare you miss my performance?”

Till groaned again, shooting Ivan a pleading look. “Help me.”

Ivan shrugged, his smirk turning teasing. “You’re on your own, Till.”

Mizi suddenly clapped her hands together, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “You know what? I will forgive you for a price. Maybe we can double date. You two can pay-”

“Out,” Till interrupted, his voice filled with exasperation as he pointed toward the door. “Out now.”

Sua chuckled, grabbing Mizi’s hand and leaning her head on her shoulder. “Even if we leave, you know Mizi’s going to grill you later.”

Till let out a long sigh. “This is a nightmare.”

Ivan chuckled, stepping closer again and placing a gentle hand on Till’s shoulder. “It could’ve been worse.”

“How?” Till asked, shooting him a glare.

“They could’ve walked in five minutes earlier,” Ivan said, his smirk teasing as his thumb brushed lightly against Till’s collarbone.

Mizi crossed her arms, straightening away from the doorframe, her mischievous grin firmly in place. “You know,” she began, her tone dripping with fake disappointment, “I really thought my best friend would’ve prioritized my grand performance over… whatever happened five minutes ago.”

Till groaned, running a hand through his hair as his cheeks flushed an even deeper shade of red. “Mizi, for the love of- can you not?”

Sua smirked, stepping up beside Mizi with her head tilted. “I mean, to be fair, it was a pretty incredible performance. But I guess Till had… other priorities.”

Ivan’s lips quivered into a small smile, his eyes switching between the two girls. “I’d argue our priorities were just as valid,” he said smoothly, earning a glare from Till.

“You’re not helping,” Till muttered, swatting at Ivan’s arm.

Mizi gasped dramatically, placing a hand over her heart. “Till, you wound me. After all those late-night talks, all that emotional support and existential crises I help you through- you couldn’t even show up for me?” She leaned toward Ivan, mock in her voice. “You’d better make it up for taking my best friend.”

Ivan chuckled, unbothered by her teasing. “I like to think I am,” he replied, his tone playful. “But if you need more proof, we’ll just have to discuss how to make it up to you.”

Mizi perked up at that, her grin turning devious. “Oh? Is that an offer? Because I’m thinking dinner. Fancy dinner. Maybe one of those places with desserts that look like tiny art pieces.”

Till buried his face in his hands, letting out a muffled groan. “Why do I even still talk to you?”

“Because I was your crush and the pathetic excuse you have as a family,” Mizi  answered quickly, not missing a beat. “And because deep down, you know I’m right.”

Ivan tilted his head, considering. “I could get behind the fancy dinner idea. What do you think, Till?”

Till dropped his hands, shooting Ivan a glare. “I think you’re all conspiring against me.”

Sua, who had been quietly observing, finally spoke,, her voice soft but teasing. “Conspiring? No, we’re just helping you celebrate… whatever this is.”

“This?” Mizi gestured between Till and Ivan, her grin widening. “Oh, this is love, Sua. Can’t you tell? Look at the way Till’s glaring. That’s devotion if I’ve ever seen it.”

Ivan’s shoulders shook with silent laughter as Till groaned again, throwing his head back dramatically. “You two are impossible.”

“And you love us for it,” Mizi shot back with a wink.

Before Till could respond, a sound cut through their air- a distant siren, growing louder by the second. The atmosphere in the room shifted as the noise of the approaching ambulance pierced the air.

Mizi straightened, her grin fading as she exchanged a glance with Sua. “That’s… coming this way, isn’t it?”

Sua nodded slowly, her brow furrowing. “It sounds like it.”

Ivan’s expression sobered, his playful smirk replaced with a concerned frown. “Should we check it out?”

Mizi bit her lip, a pang of unease settling in her chest. “Yeah,” she said, her voice quieter now. “We probably should.”

They hesitated for a moment, the sound pressing down on them. Then, without another word, they filed out of the room, their earlier laughter replaced with a heavy silence.

The sirens grew louder as they walked, their footsteps echoing in the hallway. Whatever was happening, it was close. Too close.

Chapter 43: players

Summary:

Mizi leaned back on the couch, smirking. “Think they’ll actually talk about the birthday, or is Till just going to awkwardly avoid it the whole night?”

Ivan giggled, getting up to follow Till putting his shoes on. “Hey, don’t think I didn’t try to suck-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Till yelled, as he threw the shoe he was trying to put on towards Ivan's head.

 

Mizi sat cross legged on the couch, her hands wrapped around a steaming mug of tea. Sua was beside her, her hand resting lightly on Mizi’s knee as she had coffee with hazelnut syrup in it. Till was slouched on the armchair, his arms crossed tightly, his gaze flicking between Hyuna and the worn coffee table. Ivan perched on the armrest beside him, his expression neutral as he leaned slightly toward Till.

Hyuna stood near the window, her arms crossed and her gaze fixed on the street below. She hadn’t said much since they’d arrived. 

Finally, with a sigh, she turned to face them.

“You probably figured this isn’t a casual hangout,” she said, her voice low.

Mizi tilted her head, her brows furrowed. “What’s going on?”

Hyuna leaned against the wall, her sharp blue eyes scanning the room before settling on the floor. “It’s about Luka,” she began. “Something happened during the showcase, and… I needed some time to think before talking to you guys.”

Till straightened in his seat, his expression shifting to concern. “The fuck happened?”

Hyuna exhaled, running a hand through her hair. “He collapsed,” she said bluntly. “Right in front of me. One second, he was yelling at me, and the next… he couldn’t breathe.”

Sua’s hand tightened on Mizi’s knee as she felt a sense of empathy for him, her eyes widening. “Collapsed? Is he okay?”

Hyuna gave a short, humorless laugh. “Define ‘okay.’ Turns out Luka’s been hiding how his heart’s messed up. Some kind of congenital defect.”

Mizi blinked, “He’s sick?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Hyuna nodded, her jaw tightening. “Yeah. He’s been dealing with this for years I guess. Regular check-ups, meds, some fancy monitor he wears under his clothes. And he didn’t tell a damn soul.”

“Not entirely true,” Ivan said quietly, his voice cutting through the stunned silence.

All eyes turned to him, and he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “He wasn’t hiding it that much, he told me about it at a gala.”

Till shot him a sharp look. “You knew, and you didn’t tell us?”

“I didn’t know he was hiding it or anything,” Ivan said, meeting Till’s gaze evenly. “I… assumed you guys know.”

Hyuna let out a bitter laugh, shaking her head. The fuck? He’s been pushing himself to the brink, and for what? To keep his fucking father happy?”

Sua’s expression softened, her voice gentle as she felt something pressing her heart down- a sense of empathy for Luka that made her feel upset. She changed the topic.“What happened after he collapsed?”

“Uh, a teacher called the ambulance and they rushed him to the hospital,” Hyuna replied. “I stayed with him until Heperu and his manager showed up..”

The room fell silent again, the weight of Hyuna’s words settling over them.

“I didn’t even know he was sick,” Till muttered, his tone heavy with guilt.

“None of us did,” Mizi said softly, her gaze dropping to her lap. “How could he keep something like this from happening you? Like, you guys were practically inseparable for ten years.”

“Because he’s Luka,” Hyuna said bitterly. “Stubborn, and too proud for his own good. He thinks he knows what is best for me, but doesn’t give a fuck about what is best for him or anybody else.”

Sua glanced at Hyuna, her brow furrowing. “What about you? How are you holding up?”

Hyuna hesitated, her arms tightening around herself. “I’m… I don’t know,” she admitted. “I’m still… angry at him. I don’t plan on forgiving him, but I also can’t just walk away. Not yet.” Her shoulders relaxed slightly, and she sighed. “Thanks,” she murmured. “I just… needed to get it off my chest.”

Mizi watched Hyuna closely, her sharp blue eyes clouded with something Mizi couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t just anger or frustration- it was something more vulnerable, something Hyuna didn’t often show. 

Hyuna, who always carried herself with an air of control, seemed weighed down by everything she had just shared.

Mizi glanced at Sua, her fingers brushing over the hand still resting on her knee. Sua gave her a small, encouraging squeeze, but her eyes betrayed her worry for Hyuna.

Breaking the tension felt like the right thing to do.

“Well,” Mizi said suddenly, setting her mug down on the table, her voice light. “Since we’re sharing dramatic stories, I’ve got one too. It’s a bit less life or death situation, but it’s still worth a mention.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow, her arms still crossed, but curiosity showed all over her face. “Oh?”

Mizi nodded, leaning back against the couch, a playful glint in her eyes. “So, after my bellet performance- my incredible performance, I must say, Sua and I went looking for Till. You know, to hear him gush about how amazing I was.”

Till groaned from his chair, already sensing where this was headed. “Don’t.”

Mizi ignored him, her grin widening. “But guess where we found him?”

Ivan smirked, clearly unbothered by whatever was coming next. “Oh, I think I know where this is going.”

“Till was not backstage cheering for me, like a good friend,” Mizi continued, her tone mockingly offended. “No, no. He was in an empty classroom. With Ivan. Very... preoccupied.”

Sua couldn’t hold back her giggle, covering her mouth with her free hand. “It was quite the sight,” she continued. “We walk in, and there they are, all over each other.”

Hyuna’s eyes widened slightly before narrowing in amusement. “Wait. Till and Ivan?” She glanced between them, her lips twitching into the faintest smirk.

“Yup,” Mizi said, her grin mischievous. “Caught mid makeout session. Honestly, it was a bit rude. Missing my performance for that? ”

Till swore under his breath. “Oh my god, can we not talk about this?”

“Nope,” Mizi shot back, leaning forward with a teasing glint in her eyes. “This is what happens when you don’t prioritize your friends. And I told them already that I expect compensation. Fancy dinner. Maybe even a spa day.”

Ivan chuckled, placing a hand on Till’s shoulder. “You’re not getting out of this one, you know.”

Hyuna let out a short laugh, the tension in her shoulders easing. “So, you’re telling me Till ditched Mizi’s grand performance to suck face with Ivan?”

Mizi gasped, placing a hand over her heart dramatically. “Exactly! Thank you, Hyuna. At least you understand my pain.” she giggled. Though, I have to admit, Ivan, you’ve got some guts pulling that during my big moment.”

Ivan shrugged, his smirk unwavering as he leaned casually against the armrest. “What can I say? Inspiration strikes when it strikes.”

Till opened his mouth to speak, but Sua cut him off.

“Oh, please,” she broke in, her voice teasing. “You brought this on yourself, Till. You had to know you wouldn’t get away with it.”

Mizi nodded, her grin wide. “Exactly. Actions have consequences, you know? And missing my performance? That’s the kind of crime that demands some compensation as I said.”

Hyuna crossed her arms, the corners of her mouth lifting into a faint smirk. “Honestly, Till, I’m impressed. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Oh, come on!” Till finally burst, his voice loud as he gestured between Ivan and himself. “It’s not like we planned it! And, for the record, someone could’ve just closed the door instead of just getting to it”

Mizi chuckled, tilting her head. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Ivan’s laugh was low and amused as he glanced at Till. “Well, closing the door would’ve saved us, but then we wouldn’t have this delightful conversation.”

Till shot him a glare. “Whose side are you even on?”

Ivan shrugged, his smirk growing as he rubbed on his shoulder. “Yours, obviously. But I’m also enjoying the show.”

Mizi clapped her hands together. “Speaking of shows, you still owe me for missing mine. I’m thinking a group outing. Dinner, dessert, and maybe even karaoke.”

Till groaned, slumping back into his chair. “Why does this feel like I am being forced to pay a tax at this age?”

“Because it is,” Mizi replied cheerfully. “And it’s well deserved.”

Sua gave Mizi’s knee a gentle squeeze, her smile warm. “To be fair, it’s not like you didn’t enjoy catching them in the act.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Mizi said, her tone deadpan. “It was the highlight of the night. Almost made up for Till’s betrayal. Almost.”

Hyuna shook her head, laughing softly. The tension that had weighed her down earlier was easing, replaced by the lighthearted banter in the room. She leaned against the wall, watching them with amusement.

“Well,” Hyuna said, her voice cutting through the playful chaos. “At least now I know you’re all just as dysfunctional as ever. Makes me feel better about my own mess.”

“Dysfunctional?” Mizi gasped, her hand flying to her chest again. “Hyuna, how dare you? We’re perfectly functional.”

Hyuna chuckled, the sound low and genuine. “If you say so, Mizi.”

Ivan leaned closer to Till, his voice low but still teasing. “You know, they’re not going to let this go anytime soon.”

“I know,” Till muttered, glaring at the ceiling. “Believe me, I know.” he sighed heavily, his lips twitching into the faintest smile despite himself. “At least I got a boyfriend now to console me.”

“Wait, what? Boyfriend?!” Mizi launched forward, her knee hitting the coffee table as the tea left in her cup spilled a little who;e she grabbed Sua’s arm, shaking it for emphasis. “Did you hear that? Boyfriend!”

Hyuna, who had just taken a sip of her coffee, almost choked. She coughed, staring at Till in disbelief before breaking into a wide grin. “Well, well, well,” she drawled, her tone dripping with amusement. “Look who’s all grown up and in a relationship. Last time I checked you were blaming your attraction to Ivan on me for being a non-traditional woman.”

Till froze, his face turning a brilliant shade of crimson as the attention was focused on him. “It’s not- I didn’t-” He stuttered, his words tripping over each other as he pointed at Ivan, clearly flustered.

Sua, sitting beside Mizi, remained calm. “It’s sweet,” she said softly, placing her free hand on Mizi’s arm to still her.

Meanwhile, Ivan raised an eyebrow, leaning slightly away from Till to get a better look at him. “Wait,” he said, his voice laced with confusion. “Boyfriend? When did that happen?”

Till turned to him, his face still burning. “The fuck you mean by “when”? We-” He stopped abruptly, not knowing how to continue it.

Ivan tilted his head, still looking genuinely puzzled. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t mind being your boyfriend,” he said casually, shrugging one shoulder. “But I don’t remember you actually asking.”

Hyuna let out a sharp laugh, folding her arms as she leaned back against the wall. “Till, you didn’t even ask? That’s like, the bare minimum, man. ”

Till blinked, trying to replay the memory in his head. “Can everyone just stop talking for two seconds? We made out for, like, ten minutes after I-” He froze, his eyes widening as he realized where his sentence was heading. His mouth snapped shut, and his face turned an even deeper shade of red.

"But you didn’t actually ask me out,” Ivan said, his tone calm but with a hint of teasing as his fingers brushed lightly against the back of Till’s hair. “We just made out, and now I’m suddenly your boyfriend?”

“It’s not- I mean, that’s not the point! We didn’t need to… ugh, formalities are overrated, okay?” Till rolled his eyes, biting down on his bottom lip. 

Ivan raised an eyebrow, his fingers still brushing the back of Till’s neck. “Formalities? Like asking someone if they want to be your boyfriend?”

Hyuna snorted, as her mood seemed to start getting back to normal. “You’re as smooth as ever, Till.”

“I’m about to leave,” Till muttered, sinking lower into the couch as his face flushed an even deeper shade of red.

“You’re not going anywhere!” Mizi spoke, leaning forward with a wicked grin. “What happened during those ten minutes, Till? What’s got you so flustered, huh?”

Till froze, his jaw tightening as he glared at her. “Mizi, shut up”

“Oh, no,” Mizi said, sitting up straighter and nudging Sua. “You can’t tease us with that and not spill. Did you say something? Something… heartfelt, perhaps?”

Sua, the calm voice of reason, glanced at Mizi and said softly, “Maybe we should let go.”

Mizi giggled. “Where’s the fun in that? This is Till we’re talking about. The boy doesn’t just turn red- he practically combusts. I need to know what he said.”

“I said nothing!” Till barked, his voice an octave higher than usual. “Absolutely nothing important! Why don’t we talk about something else? Like… oh, I don’t know…” His eyes flicked to Mizi, and a devilish grin slowly spread across his face. “Like the time Mizi asked me if I watch lesbian porn.”

The room went dead silent.

Mizi blinked as Sua turned her head to stare at her, her expression one of pure surprise. “Mizi?”

Mizi’s mouth opened and closed several times, her face flushing to a shade that rivaled Till’s earlier embarrassment.

“Mizi?” Sua repeated, her voice soft but tinged with a mix of amusement and genuine curiosity. Her eyebrows raised, and she tilted her head toward Mizi, who looked as though Till had just exposed her deepest secret to the entire world.

“I- That’s not- You’re taking it completely out of context!” Mizi spit out, her hands moving around as she turned to Sua. “It was a joke! A hypothetical! You know how I am!”

Sua’s lips twitched, threatening to break into a smile. “A hypothetical about lesbian porn?”

Mizi pointed a trembling finger at Till, her voice cracking as she tried to defend herself. “That was a private conversation! And it wasn’t even about watching it. I just asked if you- you know- ever thought about it. For research purposes!”

Till let out a loud, nervous laugh, clearly enjoying the shift in attention. “Mizi, if that’s what you’re calling it, I’m a little worried about what you’re researching.”

Sua’s lips were now fully curved into a smile, her composure cracking under Mizi’s defense. “I’m not judging,” she said, her voice gentle “But I’m just… curious. Hypothetically, what kind of answer were you expecting?”

Mizi groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Well, Till has had a crush on me for eleven years so he must have imagined how it would be with a girl! Not just porn, just… s-stuff in general.”  

“I have to say, Mizi,” Hyuna cut in, saving her from the embarrassment of continuing to speak. “You’ve managed to make this entire conversation about Till’s awkward love life somehow about yourself. Impressive.”

Mizi pouted. “I wasn’t trying to make it about me! I was just-” She cut herself off, groaning again. “I… uhh- I don’t even know.” She sighed. 

 “Okay, okay,” Sua said, raising a hand to calm the group. “I think we’ve teased Mizi and Till enough for one night.”

“No such thing,” Hyuna chuckled, still grinning.

“Seriously,” Sua continued, her voice gentle but firm. “It’s getting late, and some of us actually need sleep.”

Mizi blinked, her embarrassment momentarily replaced with concern. “Oh, I didn’t realize how late it was. Are you okay to walk home?”

Sua smiled, squeezing Mizi’s hand. “I’ll be fine, Ivan’s driver is gonna drop both of us since we live close.”

Mizi perked up at Sua’s comment, her earlier embarrassment fading as a thoughtful expression crossed her face. “You know,” she started, looking at Till, “I was actually thinking of staying here tonight. You’re okay with that, right?”

Till, who had been glaring at the coffee table to avoid further teasing, looked up abruptly. “Staying here?” he echoed, blinking in surprise. “Why?”

Mizi shrugged casually. “Well, for one, I think Hyuna could use the company. And two, I think you owe me for all the emotional damage you’ve caused tonight. What better way to make it up to me than letting me crash?”

Till paused for a bit, thinking about what staying another night away from the orphanage might bring him and… “Okay, call Shine and see if she allows it.”

Mizi smiled as she nodded. “Oh, she’ll totally allow it. I mean, Hyuna’s here, and Hyuna is basically her favorite success story.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow at that, crossing her arms. “Success story? I’m a barmaid who barely gets by. Some success.”

“Exactly,” Mizi said with a teasing grin. “Compared to us, you’re thriving. She thinks Till and I are gonna end up jobless because we are pursuing art.”

Hyuna snorted but didn’t argue.

Mizi pulled out her phone and quickly tapped Shine’s contact. The line rang twice before Shine’s warm, slightly raspy voice answered. “Mizi? What’s wrong, dear? It’s late- you guys need to make the curfew.”

“Hi, Ms. Shine!” Mizi said her voice was extra sweet. “I was wondering if me and Till could stay over at Hyuna’s place tonight. Just for the night! It’s been a long day, and I think she could use some company.”

Shine’s warm voice softened with a hint of hesitation. “Mizi, I trust Hyuna, but you know I can’t just let you stay out without a good reason. Especially after how… distracted Till has been lately.”

“Distracted?” Mizi echoed, glancing at Till, who looked like he wanted to sink into the couch. “Till’s fine! He’s just been… uh… preoccupied with school stuff.”

Hyuna snorted, muttering, “Sure, school stuff,” under her breath.

Shine sighed on the other end. “It’s not just that, Mizi. There’s paperwork involved for stay-outs, and I need to make sure it’s properly documented. I’ll allow it for tonight, but I expect you both to check in with me first thing tomorrow. Understood?”

Mizi grinned. “Understood, Ms. Shine. Thank you!”

As Mizi hung up, she turned to Till with a smug smile. “See? Told you she’d allow it.”

But Till, who had been silent throughout the exchange, suddenly stood up.

“Let’s go,” he said firmly, grabbing his coat from the armchair.

Mizi blinked, confused. “Go? Where?”

Till glanced at Ivan. “I am gonna stay at Ivan’s house.” 

Mizi stared at Till, her confusion shifting into a sly grin as she tilted her head. “Wait… Ivan’s house? Tonight? Just you two?”

Hyuna leaned against the wall, raising an eyebrow with a smirk that could only mean trouble. “You know someone’s gotta… douche right? Where are you gonna find that at this hour?”

Till whipped around, his face instantly going red. “What the fuck, Hyuna? No! It’s not like that!” his voice getting louder as he tried to defend himself. “I missed Ivan’s birthday, okay? I was too stressed about the showcase, and I didn’t even say anything to him. So, I’m… making up for it.”

Ivan, who had been quietly sitting on the armrest of the couch, raised an amused eyebrow. “You didn’t have to come over for that, you know. I wasn’t keeping score.”

Hyuna’s grin widened, clearly enjoying every second of Till’s mortification. “Missed his birthday, huh? So now you’re running to his place in the middle of the night? Sounds a lot like angry sex time-”

“Shut up!” Till spit out, blush creeping up his ears.

Mizi leaned forward, her grin mischievous. “Don’t forget to pack your pajamas, Till. Or, wait, do you even need them if-”

“MIZI!” Till shouted as he stormed toward the door. Ivan followed him, clearly amused but doing his best to keep a straight face.

Mizi leaned back on the couch, smirking. “Think they’ll actually talk about the birthday, or is Till just going to awkwardly avoid it the whole night?”

Ivan giggled, getting up to follow Till putting his shoes on. “Hey, don’t think I didn’t try to suck-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Till yelled, as he threw the shoe he was trying to put on towards Ivan's head.

-

The quiet of Ivan’s room was interrupted only by the soft sounds of their lips meeting and their teeth occasionally clashing to one another. Till was on top of Ivan, his hands pressed against Ivan’s shoulders as they leaned into each other on Ivan’s bed. The dim light from the bedside lamp cast a warm glow, highlighting the faint smile tugging at Ivan’s lips even as their kisses deepened.

Till pulled back slightly, breathless, his hair even messier than usual as he tried to catch his breath. “So…” he began, his voice low, “your parents aren’t going to walk in on us or anything, right?”

Ivan’s laugh was quiet but filled with amusement. He brought a hand up to brush a stray strand of hair from Till’s forehead. “Relax,” he said, his tone light. “They’re not even home. My dad’s in Shanghai for work, and my mom’s probably at some fundraiser.”

Till squinted his eyes. “So… definitely not home?”

“Definitely not,” Ivan reassured him, leaning in to press a soft kiss to the corner of Till’s mouth. “Even if they were, they’d never come in here without knocking. Trust me.”

Till nodded slowly, though his body was still tense, his mind clearly racing. “Okay, good. Because I’m not- like, I’m not saying I’m not into this. I just… I don’t need to explain myself to your mom right now. Or ever.”

Ivan smirked, his hands sliding down to rest on the flatter, lower parts of Till’s hips. “ But you know,” he teased, his voice dipping lower, “you get this cute little crease between your eyebrows when you’re nervous. Kind of cute.”

Till couldn’t help but furrowed his eyebrows, pressing lightly on Ivan’s chest. “Shut up. This isn’t cute. I’m just… I’ve never done this, okay? This whole… relationship thing.”

“I know,” he said quietly, his thumbs brushing small circles against the lower parts of Till’s butt. “But you’re here. That counts for something, doesn’t it?”

Till didn’t respond immediately. Instead, he looked down, his gaze switching between Ivan’s face and the space between them. “Yeah,” he finally admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “It does.”

Ivan smiled, leaning up to press another gentle kiss to Till’s lips. “Then stop overthinking it.”

Till huffed out a breath, his lips twitching into a reluctant smile. “Just shut the fuck up already…”

Ivan leaned back against the pillows, his arms squeezing loosely around Till’s hips as their lips met again. He tilted his head slightly, deepening the kiss, but his movements were measured, like something was holding something back.

Till noticed. Pulling back just enough to keep the bridge of saliva between their lips. “Okay, what’s going on?” he asked, his voice still a little breathless.

“What do you mean?” Ivan replied, his tone casual, though the faint pink coloring his cheeks betrayed him.

“You’re holding back,” Till accused, narrowing his eyes. “Why the fuck are you holding back?”

Ivan hesitated, his hands twitching slightly where they rested on Till’s lowry butt. “I’m not- well, okay, maybe a little.”

“Why?” Till pressed, pressing bis bodyweight back to study Ivan’s face- Fuck. Ivan thought. 

 “Am I doing something wrong? Is it me?” Till askee.

“No.” Ivan replied quickly, his grip on Till’s hips tightening for a moment. “It’s not you, I promise. I just…” He paused, looking away, clearly embarrassed a little.

Till tilted his head, trying to understand what Ivan was feeling. They had done this multiple times, so why was it now that he was acting like this? Ivan was never embarrassed of such stuff-

Then he felt it, under his hips.

He would’ve been embarrassed, but having Ivan like this underneath him gave him some unusual kind of confidence. 

“What? You worried about getting a boner or something?” Till asked, a grin on his face as he pressed his body weight back on Ivan.

Ivan groaned, covering his forehead with one hand as the blush on his cheeks darkened. “You already know the answer to that.”

Till laughed, leaning down so his weight rested more fully on Ivan, effectively pinning him against the bed. “So that is what’s going on,” he teased, his grin widening. “You’re trying not to get hard. That’s cute.”

“Till,” Ivan said warningly, though his tone lacked any real type of threat. One of his hands moved to Till’s back, holding him in place. “You’re not helping.”

“I wasn’t trying to,” Till shot back, smirking. He paused for a moment, his grin softening into something more genuine. “You know,” he said quietly, “since I missed your birthday last month, we could… I don’t know. Make up for it tonight.”

Ivan blinked up at him, his lips parting slightly in surprise. “Make up for it?” he repeated, his voice uncertain.

Till nodded, a faint blush dusting his cheeks now. “Yeah, like… go further. You keep saying you want to suck me off or something-” He blushed, his confidence starting to falter. “Like- Y-You know what I mean.”

Ivan stared at him for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then, slowly, a small smile curved his lips. “You’re terrible at this,”

Till scowled, clearly flustered. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” Ivan said, shifting slightly so he could sit up more, “you’re sweet. And I appreciate the offer. But we don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

“I just said I’m fine,” Till muttered, looking away, his blush deepening. 

“But we can take our time. There’s no rush or anything like-” Ivan’s sentence got interrupted by Till.

“Are you really gonna make me say it?”

Ivan paused. He blinked once. He blinked twice. “Make you say what?”

Till sighed, his blush deepening as hir eyebrows furrowed as much as they could. “I am not saying let’s fuck tonight, you dumb fuck. You’re so fucking dumb like- sure, you’re good at pretending and reading others but not me. You. Stupid. Fuck.” 

Ivan blinked, his mouth slightly open as he processed Till’s sudden outburst. For a moment, the room was utterly silent except for the sound of their breathing, Till’s chest heaving slightly from his rant.

Ivan, usually quick to respond, was completely caught off guard. And, truthfully… a little turned on by how sexsually flustered Till looked.

“I-” Ivan started, but Till immediately cut him off, leaning down so their faces were barely inches apart.

“You said it yourself,” Till snapped, his voice low and almost trembling, though whether it was from nerves or anger, Ivan couldn’t tell. “You like me because you don’t understand me. So shut the fuck up and listen, because I’m only saying this once.”

Ivan’s throat went dry as he stayed quiet.

“I wanna touch you more,” Till said, his words sharp but laced with vulnerability. “See more of your skin. I want you to wish the same for me. And I don’t give a fuck if you get hard because of it,” he added, his voice dropping even lower. “Because at this point, I don’t give a fuck if you jizz all over me, okay?”

Ivan felt his breath hitch, his hands tightening instinctively on Till’s butt. The sheer honesty in Till’s words, how much he wanted Ivan like he wanted Till- it hit Ivan like a punch to the gut. He’d never seen Till like this before, and it left him speechless.

“Okay?” Till repeated, his tone softer now but still firm.

Ivan swallowed hard, his lips curving into a small, genuine smile. “Okay,” he whispered, his voice barely audible.

Till relaxed slightly, his shoulders dropping as he let out a shaky breath. “Good,” he muttered, his cheeks still faintly red. He looked away, clearly embarrassed.

Chapter 44: rules

Summary:

“I’ll make you forgive me,” he whispered, his voice low. “You’ll see. You need me just as much as I need you.”

She would forgive him. She had to.

Because if she didn’t…

The thought made his chest tighten, but not with fear. It was something darker. If Hyuna tried to leave him again, he didn’t know what he would do. He didn’t want to know.

He didn’t want to be alive if it meant Hyuna would forever be gone from his life.

The years of searching, the countless nights spent wondering if she was safe, if she still though about him, had led to this moment where the artificial lights of the convenience store truly hurt Luka’s eyes, making his migraine even worse.

He adjusted his Burberry scarf with trembling fingers, trying to calm his nerves. The faint ache in his chest was familiar, a constant companion- though this time it wasn’t due to his physical ability.

He ignored it like always. Pain didn’t matter. Not when he was this close to seeing her again.

The chime above the door rang as he stepped inside, and there she was. Hyuna stood behind the counter, leaning against the register as she stocked a few last minute items. Her blue eyes flicked up at the sound of the bell, landing on him as she spoke from habit-

“Welcome-”

Then she paused.

For a moment, her expression was unreadable. Then her brows furrowed, and her posture stiffened. The look wasn’t one of joy, or even recognition- it was annoyed, distant.

“Hyuna,” Luka said softly, his voice trembling. 

She straightened, crossing her arms over her chest. “Luka,” she said flatly, her tone colder than the night outside. 

Luka’s stomach twisted, but he forced himself to step closer. “I’ve been looking for you,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “For years. I finally found you.”

Her laugh was sharp.“Found me?” she repeated, her eyes narrowing. “You’re speaking as if I was the one that left, Luka.” she paused, her body fully turning towards him. “You’re the one who left, remember?”

Luks took a deep breath. Her words cut through him, sharper than any pain he’d felt in years. “I didn’t… really want to leave you, or Hyun Woo or anything,” he said quickly, desperation creeping into his voice. “I am sorry-”

“Stop,” she snapped, her voice hard and unrelenting. “Just stop. You think I care about your excuses? Do you have any idea what you left me to deal with? Do you even know what it was like, Luka?”

“I-” Luka tried to cut her off, though his tone fell weak compared to her furious one.

“I didn’t need letters or calls!” Hyuna’s voice rose, her anger spilling over. “I needed you! I waited for you to come back. Every single day, I told myself you’d show up, and you never did. You abandoned me, Luka. You were the only person I had left, and you left me alone.”

Luka felt the ache in his chest intensify, his hand instinctively pressing against his ribs. “I didn’t want to leave you,” he whispered, his voice trembling. “And you had Hyun Woo-.”

“Don’t,” she said sharply, shaking her head. “Don’t say that now. It’s too late.”

He could feel the walls between them, solid and unyielding, but he couldn’t give up. He wouldn’t. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice breaking. He didn’t care if he came off as desperate, annoying, needy- all the things he avoided since the day he realized he was bound to be unloved.

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve fought harder. I should’ve come back sooner. But I swear, I never stopped thinking about you.”

“Thinking about me?” Hyuna repeated bitterly. “That’s supposed to mean something? I didn’t have the luxury of just thinking, Luka. I had to survive. Alone.”

Luka’s hands clenched at his sides, his breathing shallow. He wasn’t sure if it was his health or the hostility in her voice pressing down on him, but his vision swam for a second before he forced himself to focus. “Please… please, Hyuna. Let me try. Let me make it up to you.”

She stared at him, her lips slightly apart. The anger in her eyes hadn’t disappeared, but there was more to it- as if she felt just as unloved as he did.

Her arms tightened around herself, and for a moment, she looked away.

“I don’t know if I can,” she admitted quietly, her voice softer but still laced with hurt. “It’s not that simple.”

Luka felt his chest tightening further. He took another step closer, his voice trembling. “I’ll wait. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I’m here now, Hyuna. I’m not leaving again.”

Her shoulders sagged slightly, and she let out a shaky breath. “Why now, Luka? Why not years ago?”

“Because I couldn’t,” he uttered a quick, white lie. “When I could finally look for you, you were already gone from the orphanage. I thought… I thought I’d lost you forever.”

Hyuna’s throat tightened as she listened, and she hugged herself tighter. She hated how much she wanted to believe him, how much she needed something, anything to keep her from falling down further.

“Do you have any idea how broken I felt after you left?” she said finally, her voice trembling. “Do you know how many nights I cried myself to sleep, wishing you’d come back?”

“I know,” Luka said, his own tears threatening to spill. “And I’m sorry. For everything. If I could go back, I’d do it all differently. But I can’t. All I can do is be here now, for as long as you’ll let me.”

The silence stretched between them, heavy and suffocating. Finally, Hyuna let out a long, shaky breath. Her arms fell to her sides, and she met his gaze, her eyes glistening.

“Hyun Woo’s dead." she said quietly. 

The world around him felt as if it was fading away, everything was swirling and twirling. He felt cold. Too cold.

Luka found himself standing in the orphanage, the corridors stretching endlessly in every direction. The walls were gray and crumbling, the faint sound of children’s laughter drifting through the air like a haunting ghost.

“Hyuna?” he called out, his voice echoing unnaturally. 

A figure appeared in the distance, small and fragile. 

Hyun Woo. 

He turned to face him, his eyes wide and terrified, his body covered in bruises that Luka didn’t remember ever seeing.

“Luka-” he began to talk, but suddenly, the darkness was replaced by the blinding white light.

Luka’s eyes fluttered open, his vision hazy and unfocused. The sharp beeping of his heart monitor filled the room once again, each sound hammering into his skull like a nail.

He tried to move, to sit up, but his body felt heavy and unresponsive. Sweat dripped down his temples.

Trying to process where he was, what had happened, he blinked a couple of times. The image of Hyun Woo’s bruised face burned into his mind. His throat felt dry and raw as he tried to speak, but no words came out.

And he chuckled.

It wasn’t a sound of relief or desperation- it was soft, almost amused, as if he were in on a private joke the rest of the world couldn’t understand. His lips curled into a faint smile, his cheeks blushing and the sound escaping him like a giggle. To anyone else, it might have sounded unhinged.

But Luka wasn’t unhinged. He was focused. He always had been.

“Hyun Woo,” he murmured to himself, tasting the name on his tongue as if testing its limit. The memory of Hyuna's brother’s bruised, tear streaked face flickered in his mind, but it was like watching a scene in a movie. 

Distant. 

Detached.

It had no effect on him.

He let out another low chuckle, his gaze fixed on the ceiling tiles above him. The name held no power over him, no real meaning. Hyun Woo was gone. A part of his past, nothing more. The boy’s death didn’t haunt him- it was barely even a memory.

But Hyuna…

She mattered. She was even the only thing that mattered.

Their counter in the convenience store back then…

He’d known she’d be angry. He’d counted on it. That kind of fury only came from someone who still cared, someone who hadn’t yet let go. Indifference- that was the real enemy, and Luka had been relieved to see none of it in her eyes.

He had played his part well. The stammering apologies, the trembling voice, the tears threatening to spill. It had been perfect, just the right mixture of vulnerability and desperation. 

He knew Hyuna- knew her better than anyone. She was sharp and angry, but deep down, she still wanted to believe in people, to believe in him.

Her anger was his opening, and he’d slipped through the cracks.

“Anger fades,” he whispered to himself, his voice low, steady. “It always fades.”

She would forgive him eventually. He’d make sure of it. He didn’t care what it took- lies, manipulation, carefully rehearsed sincerity. He would do whatever it took to keep her tied to him, because he couldn’t bear the alternative.

Without Hyuna, there was no Luka. She was the only thing that made his presence matter in this world, the only person who made him feel real. 

Unlike Hyun Woo, Hyuna was alive.

She was here. And she hated him.

Good.

He could work with that.

“Hyuna…” he murmured, her name slipping from his lips like she was some kind of Goddess. 

It wasn’t pure love that fueled his obsession- it was need. She was his lifeline, the one person who could make him feel alive in a world that often felt like an endless void. 

He thought about her anger, the way her voice had cracked when she admitted how broken she’d been after he left. That had been the moment he knew he’d won. Her pain, her vulnerability- it was all his now. She still needed something to hold onto, and he would make sure that something was him.

“I’ll make you forgive me,” he whispered, his voice low. “You’ll see. You need me just as much as I need you.”

She would forgive him. She had to.

Because if she didn’t…

The thought made his chest tighten, but not with fear. It was something darker. If Hyuna tried to leave him again, he didn’t know what he would do. He didn’t want to know.

He didn’t want to be alive if it meant Hyuna would forever be gone from his life.

-

Hyuna took another long drag from her cigarette, the ember glowing faintly against the night. The smoke curled upward in lazy spirals before dissolving into the cold air, but the bitterness on her tongue lingered. Her jaw tightened as her thoughts drifted to Luka- his face, thinner and paler than it had any right to be, his eyes desperate, and his voice trembling as he said her name.

“Hyuna…”

She closed her eyes, the sound of it still echoing in her mind, soft, like it was meant to fix everything. It hadn’t.

She had wanted to hit him. To scream at him until her voice broke. To demand why, after all these years, he thought he could just walk back into her life, shrouded in guilt and frailty, and pretend like he cared. She had wanted him to drown in all the tears she’d cried, every lonely, suffocating night spent clawing her way out of the darkness he’d left her in, and throw them in his face. To make him feel her suffering.

But she hadn’t.

Instead, she had stood there, paralyzed, as the past came rushing back to consume her.

The way he had looked at her- so small, so fragile, as though he might shatter if she pushed too hard when he screamed at her of how much he yearned to be loved had stolen the air from her lungs. His apologies, his pleading, had thrown her off balance in a way she hadn’t expected. She hated him for that.

She hated him for making her feel like she was the cruel one.

For making her question her own anger.

She hated the way he fell down right by her.

Her fingers trembled slightly as she flicked ash to the ground. The anger she carried still burned hot and steady, but beneath it was included her self doubt.

It coiled tightly in her chest, pressing against her ribs until it hurt to breathe.

Fear, maybe. Or regret. Or perhaps just the terrible realization that no matter how much she hated Luka, part of her still wanted him to be the boy she once knew. The boy she could rely on.

But that boy didn’t exist anymore.

The man who stood before her at the showcase, pleading with her to forgive him, wasn’t someone she could trust. She wasn’t sure if he ever had been.

She stared at the faint glow of the city lights in the distance. Forgiveness. Was that what he wanted from her? She let out a dry laugh.

What he wanted didn’t matter. What she wanted was to stop thinking about him, to stop feeling the pull of his words, his desperation, the crack in his voice when he told her he hadn’t stopped thinking about her.

But she couldn’t.

And that was what scared her the most.

She hated how much space he still took up in her mind. How his voice had slipped past her defenses and wrapped itself around the parts of her she tried so hard to protect.

She hated that no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t forget the way his voice had broken when he said her name.

Her thoughts shifted to Mizi and Till. She could still see them in her mind’s eye- the way Mizi had practically been maturing as she explored herself and found out about her own wants and needs, and the way her bright energy became more balanced, completed when she was around Sua. 

And Till, who had finally become someone more composed, but with that rare smile on his face as Ivan stood close to him.

“Guess they’re actually growing up,” Hyuna murmured, her voice barely above a whisper.

They were finding their people. Their places. Mizi had Sua, with her calm and kind presence, the sensitivity that balanced Mizi’s boundless emotions. Till had Ivan, whose gaze spoke louder than any words ever could. They were building their lives, finding new foundations to stand on.

And Hyuna?

She took another drag, the ember flaring in the dark as the ache in her chest grew heavier.

She was still here. Stuck in the same place, in the same patterns, smoking her way through cold nights while the rest of the world moved on.

She was happy for them. She was. 

But she couldn't help the way her blue eyes burned as they flicked up to the distant city lights. The tears blurred her vision, but she refused to let them fall. 

And yet, her mind and her eyes betrayed her, pulling her back to the one person she couldn’t stop thinking about as the tears fell.

Hyun Woo.

She thought of his smile, shy but bright, the way he’d clung to her hand when he was scared, the way he’d called her “Unni” every now and then/ like it was always the two of them against the world. 

She thought of his kindness, his hope, the strength he’d carried despite everything they’d endured.

And then she thought of the day she’d lost him.

Her chest tightened, her breath hitching as she pressed her free hand against her ribs. She hadn’t been there for him. She’d failed him when he’d needed her most.

She tilted her head back against the wall, her blue eyes tracing the faint outline of the stars once again. Her breath came out in unsteady clouds, her hands trembling as she shoved them into her coat pockets.

“I miss you,” she whispered, her voice cracking on the words. “God, Hyun Woo, I miss you so much.”

The tears finally fell, hot and unwelcome against her cold cheeks. She didn’t wipe them away this time. Didn’t bother pretending she was strong enough to hold it all in tonight.

The world felt too big, too empty, and Hyuna wished she could go back. Back to the days when it was just the three of them- her, Luka, and Hyun Woo. Back before everything had fallen apart.

But there was no going back. Only forward.

And she wasn’t sure she knew how to do that anymore.

Chapter 45: one, two, three

Summary:

She had turned everyone around her against him, hoping that one day, she would believe it too. That one day, she would wake up and Luka would mean nothing to her.

But Luka had never been nothing.

He had always been everything.

Even when he had left. Even when he had broken her into something unrecognizable.

She resented him so.

Pain was familiar. Predictable.

But the silence?

The silence was unbearable.

He turned his head slightly, eyes landing on the phone resting on the nightstand. The screen was dark, untouched. No messages. No missed calls.

Not that he had expected one.

Luka let out a quiet breath, tilting his head back against the pillow. The cold undertone of the hospital ceiling blurred in his vision, but his mind was clear. Going through every possibility, every move he could make.

She was still thinking about him.

He knew it. He had seen it in her eyes- the way her hands trembled when she shoved them into her pockets, the way her voice cracked beneath her anger. He had spent years learning her, understanding the way she worked, and despite the way she seemed to resent him, she had never been good at actually hating him. 

Hyuna’s silence wasn’t indifference.

It was hesitation.

And hesitation meant she was still within reach.

He just needed to push her.

Luka shifted against the bed, ignoring the way his body protested. The pain didn’t matter. This- this was more important. 

She thought she could ignore him forever.

She couldn’t.

Not when is he was the only thing in her mind.

He had played his role well- the trembling voice, the raw desperation, the apologies spilling out like they had been sitting on his tongue for years. Hyuna had been angry, furious even. But beneath that rage, there had been something else.

Something fragile.

She still cared.

And Luka could use that.

His gaze flickered to the phone again. He could call her. Send a message. But that would be too easy. Too expected.

No, he needed something better. Something bigger. 

Something that would make her weak.

He had to be everywhere.

Make it impossible for her to not think about him.

Everywhere.

Billboards, social media, magazines.

His name had to be in everyone’s mouth. 

She was trying to pretend he didn’t exist.

But he was going to make it impossible for her to do so. 

-

Hyuna woke to the dim glow of her phone screen illuminating her face, the sound of notifications breaking the silence of her apartment. She didn’t move at first, lying on her back, staring at the patterns of light shifting through her closed eyes. A headache throbbing behind her temples, the neediness of sleep clinging to her limbs, heavy and suffocating.

The smell of stale smoke and some cheap alcohol lingered on her clothes, her fingers instinctively curling, searching for the half burnt cigarette she must’ve dropped somewhere in the night.

Another buzz. Another notification.

She exhaled sharply through her nose, opening her eyes just enough to glance at the screen. The brightness stung her eyes, but she barely registered the discomfort. Her phone was flooded- Twitter, news alerts, group chats.

She didn’t have to look to know what it was about.

But she did anyway.

The first thing she saw was his name. Luka.

Trending. Everywhere.

She furrowed her eyebrows as sat up slowly, pulling the phone closer, her thumb swiping through the notifications.

And there it was.

A single post.

A grainy, black and white photo of Luka as a child, standing in front of a run down building. His frame was small, swallowed by an old jacket too big for him. His hands were tucked into the sleeves. His face was blank. His eyes were empty. Almost soulless, as if it was straight out of a horror movie. 

He almost looked haunted.

Beneath it, read four words.

“I was an orphan too.”

Hyuna felt something in her chest tighten,. Her breath hitched, a flicker of something she refused to name curling in her ribs.

She scrolled down. The comments were relentless.

doritos_feet : Luka was adopted???

skibidi_toilert: what does he mean ‘too’?  

CaitVi69: Did no one know this? How has this never come up before???

luka_fan_12122: I swear his whole life is a mystery!! 

senpapinoticeme21: this must be rage bait lmao

Her fingers tightened around the phone, her knuckles turning white as she continued scrolling. 

babygirl4luka: This man has been famous for YEARS and we still know NOTHING about him I’m gonna lose it.

noturmom: bro really said “figure it out” and dipped 💀

ticklemyfeey88: nah, this is insane. he’s been famous for YEARS and we’re just now finding out about this??

frogegggg: This feels like one of those social experiments, I’m not falling for it.

lukaisgod: We were NOT prepared for this level of drama on a random Tuesday night.

He had done this on purpose.

She knew Luka. She knew him better than he himself did. And she knew this wasn’t some late night confession, wasn’t some moment of vulnerability.

It was calculated.

He wasn’t telling the world.

He was reminding her.

He was making sure she couldn’t look away.

Hyuna sucked in a sharp breath, shaking off the sleep still clinging to her. Her head pounded as she forced herself to focus, scrolling through the responses, the speculations, the desperation in the way people were trying to piece together the past he had left behind.

She hated the way her chest ached, the way her stomach twisted, the way her pulse hammered beneath her skin like something was crawling under it.

She hated that it was working.

Because she was thinking about him.

Because her mind was spiraling.

Because no matter how much she told herself she didn’t care-

She did.

Her weakness wasn’t Hyunwoo. It had never been.

It was Luka. 

And she already knew.

She knew Luka before anyone else did. She knew the way he used to pull his sleeves over his hands when he was cold, the way he always spoke too fast when he was lying. She knew the way he would stay awake at night, curled into himself like he could disappear if he tried hard enough.

She had spent years pretending she didn’t.

She had spent years trying to rewrite him into someone she could despise.

Because if she could truly hate him- if she could really carve him out of herself like he was nothing more than a mistake, a scar that had long since faded- then she wouldn’t be here now, drowning under the current of a love she never wanted.

A love that had never been gentle.

Luka had hurt her.

Not out of malice. Not out of cruelty.

But because he didn’t know how to do anything else.

Because Luka had never been taught how to love without hurting, without taking, without leaving someone behind in the process.

He had been born into a world that had never been kind to him. Raised in an orphanage where love was something that came and went, something fleeting, something that never lasted. It was only natural that he had grown into someone who inflicted the same kind of suffering he had always known.

He loved her.

And he had left her anyway.

Because to Luka, love was never something you held onto.

It was something you survived.

And Hyuna- she had spent all these years trying to survive him.

Trying to push him out of her heart, trying to pretend that the love she had for him was something else.

Something bitter. Something miserable. Something broken.

She had turned everyone around her against him, hoping that one day, she would believe it too. That one day, she would wake up and Luka would mean nothing to her.

But Luka had never been nothing.

He had always been everything.

Even when he had left. Even when he had broken her into something unrecognizable.

She resented him so.

She had learned to live with the pain, and had forced herself to. She had swallowed it down, built a life around it, convinced herself that moving forward meant erasing him.

But Luka- Luka had never moved forward.

He had never learned how.

While she clawed her way out of the wreckage he left behind, he had remained there, trapped in the past, hands outstretched, waiting for her to come back. He had always leached onto the memory of her, unwilling to let go, unwilling to face a world where she didn’t belong to him in some way.

He had been so used to adapting to ways of survival, he never learned how to actually live.

Luka had always been like that- shifting, adjusting, bending himself into whatever shape the world demanded of him. He had learned how to endure, how to manipulate, how to make himself indispensable just enough to avoid being abandoned. But living?

That had never been a part of it.

Because to Luka, survival had never meant moving forward. It had meant holding on- gripping onto anything, anyone, that made him feel real. And Hyuna…

Hyuna had always been the thing he refused to let go of.

He had spent years trying to win her back.

Years trying to make her forgive him before he had ever even learned how to forgive himself.

She had spent so much time trying to cut him out of her life, so much effort wasted on pretending she was okay with losing him. But the truth was there, she had never let him go either.

Because she had never known how to.

Even now, even after all the pain, all the resentment, there was a part of her that understood Luka in a way no one else ever could.

Luka didn’t know how to love without hurting.

And Hyuna didn’t know how to stop loving him, even after everything.

She had built her life around the idea that one day, she would wake up and the idea of him in her head would be gone. That one day, she would truly despise him. That one day, she would look at his name, hear his voice, and feel nothing.

But that day had never come.

And deep down, she knew it never would.

She had spent years learning how to live with her wounds, how to embrace the pain, the frailty, the unbearable shame of it all.

But Luka-

Luka was still standing in the wreckage, waiting for her to save him.

-

Luka was thirteen the first time he asked Hyuna what love felt like.

She was ten, sitting beside him on the rooftop of the orphanage, her legs swinging over the edge, the city light illuminating their night rather than the stars. The night was cold, but neither of them moved to go back inside.

Luka was always like that. He’d rather freeze in the open air than stay in a room without Hyuna.

He was shorter than her despite the three year age gap between them, skinnier too- like something unfinished, like he’d stopped growing somewhere along the way. His clothes were loose, oversized hand me downs that barely stayed on his thin frame. It made him look smaller than he already was, fragile in a way that made Hyuna want to take care of him.

He had his sleeves pulled over his hands, fingers curling into the fabric as he stared out at the world beyond the orphanage walls.

“What does love feel like?” he asked suddenly, his voice quiet, like he was testing the words before fully committing to them.

Hyuna frowned, tilting her head. “Why do you wanna know?”

Luka shrugged, his gaze distant. “Because I don’t think I’d recognize it.”

Hyuna didn’t know what to say to that. She looked down, picking at a loose thread on her sweater.

“Love is…” she started, then hesitated. “It’s when you want to take care of someone, I guess.”

Luka hummed, as if considering it. “That’s not enough.”

Hyuna pouted. “Well, what do you want me to say? It’s different for everyone.”

“Not for us.” Luka’s voice was calm before he turned to look at her, pale eyes unreadable. “We grew up here. With people coming and going. Getting adopted. Leaving. No one stays. So how do we know?”

Hyuna clenched her fists. She hated when he talked like that- like they were something temporary, like everything was just waiting to disappear.

Luka let out a shy laugh. “I’ve never known it.”

Hyuna inhaled sharply, anger rising in her throat. “That’s not true,” she snapped, turning to face him fully. “You have me.”

Luka blinked, caught off guard.

She didn’t stop. “And you have Hyun Woo,” she added, her voice softer now. “Just because we weren’t adopted doesn’t mean no one loved us.”

Luka looked away, cheeks a little pink.

Hyuna kept going, determined now. “Love isn’t just families that adopt kids. It’s not just people who say it out loud. It’s…” She trailed off, searching for the words. “It’s the way Hyun Woo used to wait for you before dinner, even when he was starving. It’s the way you let me have your extra blanket in the winter even when your nose turns red from the cold.”

Luka stayed quiet, a small smile appearing on his face.

“It’s not about who leaves,” she finished, softer now. “It’s about who stays as long as they can.”

Then- slowly, carefully, Luka let his head fall onto her shoulder.

Hyuna froze.

He didn’t move.

“…You’re warm,” he muttered, voice barely above a whisper.

Hyuna swallowed. She wanted to shove him off, tease him, say something to break the tension. But she didn’t.

Instead, she let him stay.

They sat there in silence, in the cold, but Hyuna didn’t feel it anymore.

Luka didn’t either.

Because he knew.

I love you.

Chapter 46: gentle now

Summary:

She took another drag. Let it fill her lungs. Let it sting.

“I used to think I could hate him enough to forget,” she murmured. “But it’s like he built a home in the ugliest parts of me. And no matter how much I try to burn it down, it’s still there.”

She rested her head back against the cold stone, staring up at the gray sky. Her cigarette burned low between her fingers.

“I miss you,” she said quietly. “I miss how easy it was to believe I could be good… when you were still around.”

Her voice cracked at the end. Just slightly.

Then, softer, almost like a secret: “And I miss him too. I wish I didn’t. But I do.”

Hyuna stepped through the cemetery gates, her breath leaving a trail in the cold air. It was windy, causing the rustling of the trees, accompanied by the scent of damp earth and fading flowers. Gravel crunched beneath her boots as she made her way down the familiar path, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her coat.

It had been months since she’d last come. Maybe longer. She wasn’t sure. Time had a way of slipping through her fingers when she wasn’t paying attention.

The headstones stood in neat rows, weathered but standing, each name carved into stone like a quiet reminder that someone had once been here. They laughed once. They loved once. That mattered once.

And now could all be described as one word instead of many traits, the values they carried with themselves their whole lives.

Dead.

Hyuna swallowed hard as she neared the one she had been avoiding.

Hyun Woo.

The name hit her like it always did, knocking something loose inside her chest, her throat tightening. She exhaled sharply, staring at the grave, expecting the usual feeling of guilt to creep in. 

But instead, something else caught her eye.

The grave was clean. Taken care of. The flowers… were fresh.

Her fingers twitched at her sides.

It wasn’t her that had left them.

-

Mizi leaned against the railing of the rooftop, eyes fixed on the city lights below. The night air was cool, biting just enough to make her wrap her arms around herself. She hadn’t meant to sneak out here alone- she just needed a minute to breathe, to sort through the mess in her head after the graduation ceremony.

But she wasn’t alone for long. The soft creak of the door signaled Sua’s arrival, and Mizi didn’t turn around, already knowing it was her.

Sua slipped her arms around Mizi’s waist from behind, resting her chin on Mizi’s shoulder. “You disappeared,” she murmured, her breath warm against Mizi’s neck.

“Just needed some air,” Mizi replied, her voice softer than usual.

Sua hummed, not letting go. “You seemed really happy earlier,” she whispered. “But now you’re… quiet.”

Mizi forced a smile, though Sua couldn’t see it. “It’s just… a lot, you know? Graduation and everything. You looked so pretty up there.”

“Pretty?” Sua teased lightly, pressing a soft kiss to the side of Mizi’s neck. “You sound surprised.”

“No! I mean-” Mizi sputtered, turning slightly to catch Sua’s gaze. “You always look pretty. Just… especially tonight. You were glowing.”

Sua’s lips curved into a small smile, and she moved to stand beside Mizi, leaning on the railing. Her hand found Mizi’s, fingers intertwining. They stood like that for a moment, quiet, just listening to the hum of the city below.

“I didn’t know you’d be this emotional,” Sua teased again, nudging Mizi with her shoulder.

Mizi bit her lip, fighting the sting in her eyes. “I wasn’t… emotional. I was just-  proud of you. That’s all.”

Sua squeezed her hand gently. “Liar. You were crying the whole time.”

“I was not,” Mizi protested weakly, even as her cheeks flushed.

Sua giggled, nudging her again. “You were. I saw you.”

Mizi huffed, but couldn’t keep the fond smile off her face. “It’s not fair, you know. You’re leaving, and I just got used to having you around all the time.”

“I’m not leaving,” Sua corrected softly. “I’m just… taking a different path for a while. You know that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you.”

Mizi tightened her grip on Sua’s hand, not trusting herself to speak without her voice breaking.

Sua noticed, shifting closer so their shoulders pressed together. “Hey,” she whispered. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Mizi looked down, her eyes fixed on their joined hands. “I just… I don’t want things to change,” she admitted, barely above a whisper.

Sua’s expression softened, and she turned to face Mizi fully, cupping her cheek. “Mizi. Just because I’m going to university doesn’t mean I’m going to forget about you. Or us.”

Mizi swallowed hard. “I know. I just… I’m scared. You’re going to meet new people and have all these new experiences, and I’m still… here. I just don’t want to lose you.”

Sua’s eyes widened, and she pulled Mizi into a tight hug. “You won’t lose me. Ever. I promise,” she whispered, pressing her face into Mizi’s shoulder. “I love you, okay? That’s not changing just because I’m going to college.”

Mizi buried her face in Sua’s hair, blinking back the tears she had been fighting all night. “You better not change your mind,” she mumbled, her voice thick.

Sua pulled back just enough to look at her, wiping away the tear that slipped down Mizi’s cheek. “I’m not going anywhere,” she said firmly. “I chose you. I’ll keep choosing you.”

Mizi sniffled, feeling both ridiculous and overwhelmingly relieved. “Okay,” she whispered, leaning in to press a shaky kiss to Sua’s lips.

They stayed like that for a while, wrapped up in each other, the city lights twinkling around them. The world could change all it wanted. 

Mizi would hold onto this moment, where Sua’s warmth melted all her fears.

Would never forget.

-

The wind had quieted by the time Hyuna sat down beside the grave.

She didn’t sit on the bench a few rows back, or on the small strip of grass beside the stone. She sat right next to her brother, beside the plot that hadn’t been filled. The hollowness where no one was buried yet. Just earth. Just absence.

Her legs stretched out in front of her. Her coat bunched beneath her at the spine. She lit a cigarette with shaking fingers, the click of the lighter loud in the silence, and took a long drag without thinking.

It was cold. The smoke burned a little. She welcomed it.

Her eyes drifted across the stone again.

Hyun Woo

Just a name. A year. A dash. And nothing that could ever capture what he’d meant.

She exhaled slowly, eyes on the empty space next to him.

“Feels wrong, doesn’t it,” she muttered. “That you’re here and he’s not.”

She didn’t say Luka’s name. Didn’t need to.

But he was there. In her chest. In the heaviness between her ribs. In the silence that had followed her all the way here and refused to leave.

She tapped ash against the edge of the grave, not caring where it fell. “You’d probably hate that I’m even thinking about him,” she said, half a laugh breaking through. “But you knew me. You knew I was always stupid about him.”

The wind picked up again, brushing her hair across her face.

She took another drag. Let it fill her lungs. Let it sting.

“I used to think I could hate him enough to forget,” she murmured. “But it’s like he built a home in the ugliest parts of me. And no matter how much I try to burn it down, it’s still there.”

She rested her head back against the cold stone, staring up at the gray sky. Her cigarette burned low between her fingers.

“I miss you,” she said quietly. “I miss how easy it was to believe I could be good… when you were still around.”

Her voice cracked at the end. Just slightly.

Then, softer, almost like a secret: “And I miss him too. I wish I didn’t. But I do.”

She didn’t cry. Not here.

But she stayed. Laying beside Hyun Woo’s grave. Smoking in silence.

She watched the cigarette burn down between her fingers, ember glowing steady even as the wind blew across her skin. The smoke curled up into the sky, disappearing into gray.

Hyuna didn’t need to say it out loud. She had accepted it a long time ago.

She loved Luka.

Not in the soft, romantic way people wrote songs about. Not in a way that ever felt gentle or easy.

She loved him like a bruise she pressed just to feel the ache again.

And he loved her too. In his own broken, backward way.

That was never the problem.

The problem was something else. Something inside her that clenched tight and refused to open. Something that recoiled when she imagined a version of the world where Luka was happy. With her.

She didn’t know what to call it. Pride? Grief? Resentment?

Whatever it was, it had festered over time. Bitter, stubborn, rooted in the quiet moments no one else saw. The birthdays he missed. The nights he didn’t come back. The way he always made her feel like she had to be the one who understood him, even when she was the one breaking.

There was a version of her that had waited for Luka for years. And there was another version, the one that smoked beside her brother’s grave, that wanted him to know what it felt like to be left behind.

She pressed her palm against the stone.

“I can’t hate him,” she whispered.

She couldn’t.

But something inside her did. Something cold. Something sharp. Something that wouldn’t let her open the door again, not without bleeding for it.

She closed her eyes, letting the smoke sting as it left her lungs.

“I don’t think I can be what he wants me to be,” she admitted softly. “Not anymore.”

Because love wasn’t always enough.

And sometimes, forgiveness didn’t survive.

-

Till laid across Ivan’s bed, the blanket loosely draped over his bare skin. The room was quiet now, save for the soft hum of Ivan’s breathing beside him and the distant sound of traffic outside. The cool fabric of the sheets felt oddly comforting against his heated skin, the sensation grounding him as his mind wandered.

For as long as he could remember, his life had revolved around Miz. Her laughter, her dreams, the brightness she carried that he could never seem to replicate, only chase after. His choices had always mirrored hers, a silent echo of her aspirations. Music had been their bridge, the language he’d chosen because it made her smile the brightest.

But lately, the chords that once felt familiar and safe had started to sound hollow. Empty. As if he’d worn them out, played them until they lost all meaning. Till frowned slightly, staring blankly at the shadows cast by the streetlights across Ivan’s ceiling.

He shifted slightly, his eyes catching on a sketchbook tossed carelessly onto Ivan’s bedside table, pages worn and frayed from frequent use. Till often drew there, sketching in quick, confident strokes. Ivan had always admired his passion. The certainty behind his strokes, the quiet dedication. It made him wonder, perhaps for the first time, if there was something else waiting for him too.

Drawing had always been private for Till. Something he did without thinking, idle lines doodled in margins when no one was looking. Unlike music, it didn’t feel like something he needed to perfect, or perform, or prove himself with. It was simple, quiet, hidden in a way that belonged solely to him.

His chest tightened with a sudden, unexpected yearning, raw and unsettling.

Maybe his passion had never been music at all. 

Maybe it had always been drawing- something he’d denied himself because it wasn’t what others expected from him. It wasn’t flashy or bold, but small and delicate, captured quietly on scraps of paper he hid away.

He turned his head slightly, watching Ivan’s peaceful profile in the dim glow. Ivan had always been unapologetically himself, unafraid of what others thought. Till envied that courage.

Perhaps it was time he found his own.

He exhaled slowly, tension melting slightly from his shoulders. He wasn’t sure yet, not entirely. But for the first time, the uncertainty didn’t feel frightening, it felt hopeful. 

Till pulled the blanket closer around himself, eyes drifting closed as he felt Ivan’s fingers brush gently against his wrist in sleep. 

Maybe he could learn to draw his own path after all.

Till’s restless shifting stirred Ivan awake, and the bed dipped slightly as Ivan propped himself up on one elbow, blinking slowly through the darkness. He rubbed his eyes and squinted down at Till, noticing the slight tremor in his frame beneath the covers.

“You’re shaking,” Ivan said, voice still rough from sleep. His hand reached out instinctively, fingertips brushing Till’s shoulder. “Did something happen?”

Till tensed slightly beneath Ivan’s touch, a flash of irritation crossing his face. “It’s nothing,” he muttered, turning away slightly, gaze stubbornly fixed on the wall. “Just… thinking too much.”

Ivan didn’t pull back.

Instead, his touch became firmer, thumb gently pressing into the curve of Till’s shoulder blade. “You think too much all the time,” he teased softly, testing Till’s mood.

Till scoffed lightly, shifting under Ivan’s hold. “Yeah, maybe. But tonight, it’s worse.”

Ivan shifted closer, pressing against Till’s side. His tone remained playful, careful not to push too hard. “About us?”

Till rolled his eyes, grateful the dark hid the slight heat rising in his cheeks. “Not everything’s about you, Ivan.”

Ivan chuckled softly, undeterred. “Well, it should be.”

Despite himself, Till’s lips quirked into a reluctant smirk. “God, you’re annoying.”

Ivan leaned closer, lips brushing against Till’s ear. “Yet you asked me to be your boyfriend.”

Till’s breathing hitched slightly, heart rate picking up as Ivan’s hand slipped down, tracing lazy circles along his hip. A familiar warmth settled low in his stomach, chasing away some of the restless anxiety that had been twisting inside him. He turned his head slightly, their noses nearly touching in the dim glow of the streetlights filtering through the curtains.

Ivan took the opening, capturing Till’s mouth in a slow kiss. Till kissed back immediately, letting himself lean into Ivan’s touch, his earlier uncertainty forgotten for the moment. There was nothing tender about the way they kissed; it was heated, impatient, almost competitive. Till’s fingers curled into Ivan’s hair, tugging slightly, provoking a low hum of approval from Ivan.

When they parted briefly, Ivan’s eyes were dark, playful. “Feeling better?”

“Shut up,” Till muttered, biting lightly at Ivan’s lower lip.

Ivan grinned lazily, thumb stroking Till’s cheekbone. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

-

Luka stared blankly at the ceiling, eyes following the faint patterns of shadow cast by the streetlights filtering through his window. Sleep had never come easily to him, and tonight was no different. His thoughts were loud, too vivid, too persistent.

He turned onto his side, fingers idly brushing against the pillow beside him. It was cold, empty. 

But in his mind, Hyuna was there, her presence warm, almost reachable.

Luka imagined what kissing Hyuna might feel like.

He'd kissed people before, of course. Scripted kisses on sets, choreographed affection for the cameras, a practiced intimacy that never felt quite right. Those kisses were nothing more than part of a performance, hollow acts shared between him and strangers he'd forget by the next scene.

But Hyuna… Hyuna would be different.

Her lips would be softer, hesitant at first, then stubborn and demanding, a reflection of her personality. Luka knew exactly how she’d taste: bitter, smoky, just like the cigarettes she pretended to hate. He wondered if she'd tremble when he pulled her closer, if she'd push him away out of habit before finally giving in. The idea made him smile slightly, a childish, hopeful joy sparking in his chest.

Luka wasn't soft. He was sharp edges, carefully constructed masks, biting words and calculated actions. He had been cold to nearly everyone in his life, sometimes even cruel. But with Hyuna, he was still that orphaned child, heart racing, palms clammy with an innocent kind of excitement he thought he'd lost long ago.

He shifted onto his back again, sighing quietly. His heart ached with a longing he rarely allowed himself to feel, vulnerable in a way he usually despised.

But for now, alone in the quiet of his room, Luka let himself imagine it.

The warmth of her breath, the sting of her nails digging into his skin, the whispered curses she’d murmur against his lips.

He closed his eyes, smiling. 

He knew it wouldn’t be easy. Nothing with Hyuna ever was. But it was exactly that thought that sent a thrill through him, a quiet, stubborn joy lighting up his chest.

Hyuna had always been a challenge.

And despite being a coward, Luka would never turn away from a challenge when Hyuna was the prize.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of unsaid, undone (mine)