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“Something’s on your mind.”
Panda’s voice brought him out of his thoughts and back to reality. He hadn’t realized he was staring blankly at the wall until he felt a soft paw touch his shoulder. He looked at the fuzzy cursed corpse and sighed, patting his head.
“What makes you say that?” Yaga answered, trying to sound amused because Panda was the only person- or rather animal- he did not want to worry with what was on his mind.
Panda looked up to him with curious eyes. “You were more quiet today. So I figured something was wrong.” He paused for a second. “So I want to help.”
And Yaga wanted to laugh at how a doll was more intuitive than anyone else he had met. He just smiled at him, ruffling his fur. “You’re considerate. A good trait to have.” He let his hand drop to his side and he turned his gaze back on the fall, hia smile now gone. “I am… worried, for lack of a better word.”
“Why?”
“Because of a troubled student.”
“Why?”
“Because he sees himself as something more than he actually is.”
“Why?”
And now, Yaga did chuckle. He didn’t chuckle much in his life, but god, Panda sounded more like a normal child every single day and it warmed his old heart all the more. “It’s not your job to worry, Panda. I’m the adult here, so I should worry about you kids.”
He patted his head again and Panda snuggled himself to his side. “Why can’t he see himself as he actually is?” Panda asked, innocence and curiosity somehow clear in his expression.
And even though Panda did not need to hear about the troubles he had, Yaga sighed, and picked him up, sitting him on his knee. The fuzzy bear was too curious for both his and Yaga’s own good, and the teacher couldn’t help but cave at the sight. “Well, he’s… how do I say this. He’s portrayed like a god.”
“A god?” Panda asked curiously, raising an imaginary eyebrow.
“Yes, a god. Powerful being who can do anything and everything he wishes. Unlimited energy, unlimited power, never gets tired.” He stopped and sighed. “But in truth, he’s just a kid. A 22-year-old kid who never could be a kid.”
Panda looked more confused at Yaga’s explanation. “How can 22 be considered a kid?”
The corners of Yaga’s lips curled in an amused smirk. “It’s a figurative form of speech. In his heart, he is still a kid. A kid who he never got to be before. A kid who has way too much responsibility on his shoulders. Even when he was an actual child.” Yaga shook his head slightly. “I’m worried because he never sees himself as human. Despite what everyone around him say, despite when he says he knows he is, but he never actually says he is human. And that’s what worries me. Maybe deep down even frustrates me.”
Panda’s head tilted to the side in confusion as he tried to make sense of the teacher’s words and Yaga let out an amused sigh. Of course, he wouldn’t understand, he himself barely did. Why was he telling this to Panda anyway? Oh right, because he was spacing out, comprehending whether or not to actually talk with his student.
Yaga smiled, put Panda on the ground, and patted his head once more. “Don’t worry about this, alright? It’s not something you should know anyway.” He told, hoping to reassure his worries.
And Panda nodded and smiled, but Yaga could still feel a sliver of confusion and curiosity in those black eyes. His smile softened. How did he do so well with him? He stayed with him for a while more, before finally making up his mind and going to talk to his student, whether the said student liked it or not. H wouldn’t take no for an answer. Not this time.
Satoru was sprawled out across the couch with one leg over the ledge as the soft hum of Tsumiki’s voice echoed across the apartment as she drew a picture for homework next to the couch, back against Satoru’s leg. Megumi was in baseball practice after school, so it was just him and her for a few hours and it was peaceful.
He had just come back from a mission and to his surprise, he saw Tsumiki already home. It just made his day brighter as she hugged him and asked about his day. Then he proceeded to ask about her day, and that’s what led the two here.
He sneakily tried to spare a glance to see what Tsumiki was so carefully and concentratedly drawing, but the moment he moved his head even an inch to take a peek, it was like Tsumiki felt it and moved her body so the paper would be hidden from his sight.
He pouted and moved his leg a bit, slightly nudging her back gently. “‘Miki, come on, show me. I wanna see what you’re drawing.” He whined with a pout, but not moving from his position.
Tsumiki chuckled as his foot hit her back, swaying her back and forth. “No, Gojo.” She told politely, looking at him with a sweet smile. “I’ll show you when it’s finished.”
He pouted more. “And… what if I did this!” He suddenly leaped up and wrapped his arms around her torso, picking her up and falling back on the couch with his back, her flopping onto his chest. Satoru chuckled as Tsumiki giggled, but she still hid the picture from his sight.
“No way! You have to wait. It’s a secret!” She told again with a bright smile.
“Come on, pleeease?” He looked over his glasses and flashed his eyelashes, making puppy dog eyes at her. “For me?” The sight of her trying to resist the urge to cave was amusing and slightly hilarious to the sorcerer.
She eventually sighed and Satoru let out a victory shout in his mind. As Tsumiki showed him the picture, he looked at it carefully, eyes wide.
“Tsumiki, this…” He started, not having the words to describe what he was feeling.
He sat up straighter with Tsumiki now sitting next to him, looking at him with expectant eyes. There were half-colored six, a bit more detailed than your average stick figures, varying in sizes, beside a house and a couple of trees with the text at the top saying: “My Family.”
Satoru looked at her, still astonished and bewildered. “Tsumiki, is… is this us?”
She timidly nodded and glanced away, a bit flustered. “Me, Megumi and you.” She started, pointing at each of the people in the drawing. “I put Shoko, Mister Nanami and Mister Yaga here as well as they’re kinda like family as well.” She added quietly.
“Oh, ‘Miki!” He carefully put the drawing down and picked her up, giving her a huge and tight hug. “It’s perfect! Our little family!” He chuckled happily, and hugged her tighter when he heard her laugh in glee as well. “When it’s finished, it will definitely go up on the wall!” He concluded with seriousness, still keeping that bright grin.
Tsumiki nodded as well and got back to finishing the picture. He watched her for a few seconds, his gaze softening. Their little family, huh? But he didn’t manage to think about it for long when his phone vibrated. He reached for it, seeing that Yaga had texted him. Huh, weird. If it was a mission, he would surely call. But he said it was important, yet still not as important as a mission. He shrugged as he stood up, ready to see what was up.
“Hey, Tsumiki, I’m going out, be back in a few, alright?” He told, pocketing his phone. “Be sure to lock the door, okay?”
Tsumiki looked at him, then quickly stood up. “Sure! Have fun, Gojo!” She gave him a quick hug and he hugged her back. “Be safe.” She looked at him with those innocent eyes and his expression softened.
He ruffled her hair with a grin. “I will.” He told, before teleporting away.
A student just was walking along the hallway, when suddenly Satoru blipped into existence right in front of him, starting the poor boy. He stepped back with a surprised gasp and a hand on his chest.
“Gojo-san! You scared the crap out of me!” The student almost shouted in shock and surprise. “Don’t just materialize out of thin air like that!”
Satoru, however, just gave the kid an apologetic smile and a head tilt. “Sorry ‘bout that. Will try not to next time!”
The student shook his head and tried to get his heart rate back to normal as he walked away from the sorcerer, muttering something under his breath as Satoru chuckled, waving at him.
Turning towards Yaga’s office, he walked in with a big grin, not even bothering to knock. “Something important, eh? It’s not a mission, or you would call.” He told, closing the door before sitting on the couch beside the wall and crossing his legs, putting his arms behind his head as he rested it against the wall.
Even if there was a chair in front of Yaga’s desk, the couch had always the comfiest seating and everyone in the school knew it. No one really used the chair, except maybe the first years who just started school, but as soon as they transferred into their second year, maybe even earlier, they chose the couch as well, leaving the chair to sit and collect dust. Some kids even nicknames it “the dust chair”, a reacuring gag within the students as well with the teachers themselves as well.
Their eyes met, and Yaga looked eerily tense. Even if he tried not to be obvious, Satoru could still tell. His shoulders were slightly raised than normal, his gaze more thoughtful, not to mention his cursed energy was spiking rhythmicity every few seconds, as if he was nervous. Satoru slid his glasses down his nose and looked at his teacher suspiciously, narrowing his eyes, letting his Six Eyes gaze over his teacher for a second.
“Alright. Spill it.” He told a bit exaggeratedly as he raised his chin, moving the glasses back in place on the top of his nose. “What’s on your mind? You’re not usually this thoughtful, sensei.”
And for the first time in his life, Yaga did not know how to start a conversation. He sighed and leaned back on his chair, keeping his hands on the table and averting his gaze from his student.
“I’ve had this on my mind for quite a while now. Almost a year ago. No, more earlier on. But I’ve never brought it up.” He started calmly, thinking carefully about his words. He did not want to screw this up.
Satoru raised an eyebrow in curiosity and confusion. “And?” He prompted slowly.
“And I know it’s something you aren’t keen on talking about.” He finally finished as he looked at his student and Satoru now understood what the topic was about.
It was his turn to avert his gaze as he crossed his hands in front of his chest. His eyes studied the office aimlessly for a few seconds, before a small picture frame on a shelf piqued his interest more than his teacher. He wasn’t frowning per se, but his lips were a thin line and he bounced his leg a bit, a nervous habit he had picked up on recently. Yaga sighed and stood up, walking towards him and sitting next to him.
There was silence in the room for a few seconds as no one moved. Until Yaga took a breath. “I know it’s hard for you to let people in. Especially after-” He didn’t say the name. “But we’ve been there for you countless times, Satoru.” He looked at his student, almost expectantly.
Satoru kept his gaze on the picture frame, but it lowered slightly. “I know.” He answered, voice normal yet a tone quieter.
“You say that and yet I don’t believe that you actually believe it.” He told firmly before looking away. “Look. I care, alright? I know I should have shown it more in the past, should have been more considerate as a teacher to you three. You five.” He corrected before paused. “But believe me when I say, I really do care.”
“I never said you didn’t.”
“Then why, after all this time, you still won’t let me in? Won’t let Shoko in?”
Satoru looked at him, an expression of slight surprise under his glasses. Yaga couldn’t helpt but smile a bit. “You really thought I wouldn’t notice? On how, despite you hanging out with her, you still keep her at arm’s length? Never saying everything on what’s your mind?”
Satoru smirked slightly. “Guess I’m not the only one who can read people like a book, huh?”
“I’ve been with you for years. I know how you operate by now, Satoru.” He kept his gaze on his student, although it softened as his lips curled up in slight amusement.
The sorcerer scoffed lightheartedly, leaning his head back and looked at the ceiling. “So, what? You’re asking me to let you in?” He told in slight sarcasm as he let out a deep breath.
Yaga furrowed his brows in thought. “I’m asking you to-” And he stopped. What exactly was he asking him? The truth? Acceptance that he could trust him fully? The knowledge that he wasn’t as alone as he thought he was?
Yaga sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “I just want to know. You’ve given me signs, I’ve figured out the signs, but I can’t place the full picture together. I know you portray yourself as something godly, something so above others that no one can catch up to you, but that’s just the outside you, isn’t it?” He finished softly.
Yaga waited for him to say something, anything at all, but his gaze was firmly on the one spot at the ceiling. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact expression he saw in the student’s eyes. Maybe irritation, maybe hesitation, but he did see his brows furrow in thought, slight uncertainty in his expression. Yaga tried a different approach.
“What do you remember after the mission a month ago? The two-week one?” Yaga prompted and as he could guess, Satoru exhaled a long and irritated sigh.
He brought a hand through his hair with a soft annoyed groan. “I remember feeling like shit. Like I was dying all over again. Everything hurt, everything was spinning, I was seeing double. The mission was supposed to take a week, those assheads told. They forgot to mention the abundant amount of curses in the asylum.” He scoffed in annoyance and bitterness.
Yaga knew Satoru was irritated ever since he recovered from the mission, ever since he got back to the kids. At first, Yaga didn’t notice anything different and thought the sorcerer just pushed everything to the side like he normally did. Satoru never clearly told his thoughts out loud, but sometimes, Yaga could see a more murderous gleam in the sorcerer’s eyes regarding the higher-ups than normal after the incident.
“What do you remember when you called me?” Yaga told calmly, trying to change the topic slightly, treading forward carefully.
Satoru sighed, closing his eyes for a second. “The same. I could barely stay conscious as my Reversed Cursed Technique was running overtime and I stopped it, along with Infinity. Saw as little as I could with Six Eyes. But the world was spinning, the universe was spinning, everything felt numb, in a way.” The irritation was still fresh in his tone.
Yaga listened carefully to what Satoru told and he nodded. “When I and Shoko got to the hospital, there were six sorcerers there.” He told, a bit quietly and now, Satoru turned his gaze at him, hearing the slight change of tone. Guilt? Satoru thought curiously. “I felt the cursed energies of them, of Shoko.” Satoru didn’t like how he had stopped so ominously. Yaga looked at his student. “Yours was barely visible.”
And Satoru would lie if that didn’t make him internally panic. He wanted to laugh, to shove Yaga’s shoulder and call him out on something utterly ridiculous like his cursed energy was depleating . It sounded so ridiculous and hard to believe. But he knew the older man, and Yaga was never the one to lie. So instead of laughing, instead of trying to ease the tension, Satoru just stared at him, wide-eyed, tension rising instead of lowering.
“What do you remember when you woke up?” He had asked, although it felt like he wanted to say something else at first.
Satoru moved his head down just an inch, eyebrows furrowed in thought, his gaze following the pattern on the carpet. “Your hand on my hair.” He admitted somewhat quietly. “Your grip on my hand. You telling me I was okay. I could hear relief, even if you were super quiet and distant. I guess I wasn’t fully there.”
“No, you weren’t.” Yaga told after a nod and somehow, the gesture felt oddly… vulnerable. He swallowed, then took a breath. A shaky breath , Satoru noted. “Once we got there, the doctor told you were in surgery.”
And Satoru’s heart skipped. Him? The strongest needing surgery? Now he wanted to call out on his bluff, to say he was lying with the most defensive tone ever, but he didn’t. Because he saw Yaga’s eyes. Saw the guilt, saw the regret, heard it back then when he was barely concious. He was telling the truth. And no matter how much Satoru wanted to laugh, wanted to make a joke, he couldn’t.
“When I saw you, on the table, being so still, so human, hand cold and body stiff I-” He stopped to inhale. “I was afraid you would die, Satoru.”
And just him saying that so quietly and uneasily brought the student back down to earth, tethered him strongly to the ground so he couldn’t get out of the grasp. He could die. Yaga feared he would die. Him, the unkillable, untouchable god. And his teached feared he would, could be killed. That sounded so outrageous that it made his heartbeat fasten.
“You’re strong, I know. You always have been.” Yaga continued, turning his gaze towards the window. “But that wasn’t about strength. You laid there, practically unmoving, cursed energy barely there, and for the first time, I actually feared for you.” His voice wavered, although he tried not to show it. It was soft, gentle with firmness with a hint of anger. It was vulnerable.
The teacher closed his eyes for a moment, before looking at Satoru. “You may be strong, may tell yourself you’re a god and can do everything you want and all that crap, but damn it-” Yaga gripped his hand and his teacher’s eyes never before showed so much firm determination and resolve before. “You’re human, Satoru.”
The touch was warm, the grip tight but gentle, reassuring, and caring, yet with a hidden strength. Voice laced with belief the sorcerer himself did not believe, no matter who uttered those two words over and over again. He never believed them, except… when a certain someone told those exact words.
Or maybe he was lying to himself again. Just like before.
Maybe he liked to be at arm’s length away from everyone, so once they would leave like Suguru, it wouldn’t hurt as much. Maybe there was always meant to be the gap between him and everyone else. But who was he kidding, he couldn’t do that.
Yaga let his hands go and sighed, seeing the gears turning in his student’s head, turning his gaze away again. “Do you remember when you first allowed yourself to show your tiredness to me? Your exhaustion?”
Satoru gulped and looked towards the corner of the room, his mind racing with everything his teacher had just told. In a way, it was overwhelming and he knew what it would lead up to. He didn’t want that to happen. He wanted to go saying he has a mission and just run away. But something kept him sitting next to the older man. Something kept him wanting to stay.
“It was right after he left.” He told quietly, something unwanted crawling back up memory lane in his mind.
“That day was the first time I saw you cry.” Yaga informed, keeping his voice calm.
“That day was the first time I actually cried.” Satoru corrected him quietly.
“That does not make me feel better.” He replied quickly and Satoru chuckled softly, Yaga was secretly glad.
A beat of silence went by. Comforting silence. Yaga took a deep breath and decided to test the waters. “When I came to get you at the Gojo estate,” He started and Satoru tensed. “Do you remember what I asked?”
The student was quiet for a second. “Barely.” He informed. “Was in and out of consciousness. Skull was busy cracking itself open for me to understand anything, so, that’s that.”
“I asked: ‘Why didn’t you say that it was the worst for you?’ Your reply was: ‘What is there to say.’” Yaga paused, taking in Satoru’s slumped shoulders, almost like he was feeling defeat. “Why didn’t you feel like you could open up to me?”
He furrowed his brows and his jaw tensed. He did not know what to answer to that. He never knew. Once at a time, someone else had asked the same question and he just stared at his friend blankly, not knowing what to say, never really thought about the reason. The friend laughed, he mocked annoyance and pouted, ended up in an argument then the two laughed at that after.
“Because you thought I wouldn’t understand?” Yaga had continued before Satoru could even properly think about his thoughts, about the question, about the memory. “Because you felt no one could understand you?”
Satoru clenched his fists a bit and inhaled quietly yet sharply. Yaga had no idea how true his words were. Or maybe he did, he just hid it well. Did Suguru think that as well? Was that the reason why he laughed, seeing Satoru’s expression back then? “Satoru. I may not be as strong as you, no one may be. Maybe you felt that only Suguru understood you. But no matter what happens, I’ll be there. Shoko will be there. You know you can trust me.” His words were soft yet firm, reassuring.
Satoru closed his eyes as he let out a soft huff, in annoyance, in frustration, he wasn’t sure. Why was he feeling like his chest was going to burst? He knew the feeling, felt it once before. When he first told Suguru, when he let him in. He tried to keep it together, but even he knew, deep down, that he couldn’t. Knew that Yaga knew he couldn’t.
“I’ll always be there for you. I’ll never let you down.” The teacher continued quietly, with reassurance, confidence, and determination that overshadowed Satoru’s own will. “I’ll hold you close, keep you safe, kid.”
Yaga did not like that Satoru had stayed very still, eyes tightly closed like he was trying to forget something. Satoru was trying so hard not to cave, but his resolve was slowly breaking. Yaga had told the truth, nothing but the truth and it was slowly shattering the walls of invincibility Satoru had built around himself, stronger and taller after his one and only left. He couldn’t keep this up, he knew, they both knew.
So he let himself fall from the top, for the second time in his life.
He took a deep breath before slowly looked at his teacher and even through his glasses, Yaga could see the look his student gave. It both melted and broke his heart. He reached his hand towards the sorcerer’s cheek and gently took the glasses away from his eyes, the sorcerer not even bothering to stop him, not making a fuss.
Upon looking at his eyes, Yaga himself froze. The gaze was intense, it looked right through the teacher’s soul. But that was not what fazed him. The teacher let out a short breath, before putting the same hand behind Satoru’s head and pulled him into a hug. And Satoru hugged back, gripping his teacher tight.
Yaga felt Satoru’s shoulders shake, and he patted his back gently, having a firm yet soft grip on the back of his head. “You’re human, Satoru.” He whispered softly, reassuringly. “Whether you believe it or not, you are human. You’ll always be to me. You’re my student, my-” Kid . He wanted to say. And that wouldn’t be wrong. The students grew up with him, those who did not die immediately in missions, anyway. They all were- still are- his kids.
“You are human. My student.” He repeated again. “And I will never see you something less or more. Understand?” Yaga tightened the grip slightly more around Satoru, his voice gentle yet firm.
He felt a small nod against his shoulder, heard a shuddering breath, a deep inhale, and then softly, barely heard- “I’m human.”
And just hearing those words coming from his mouth made Yaga feel younger. Like he actually succeeded in what he failed 5 years ago. It made his heart fill with joy, with proudness, that he finally, after years, could break the god-like image Satoru had painted for himself, break the unbreakable mask. He held him tighter, and ran his fingers through his hair, a comforting and reassuring gesture.
“You’re human, Satoru. Always have been, always will be. For me, for everyone.” He told softly, making a mental promise to never let this kid of his go.
And if he felt something wet on his shirt, it was not his to comment.