Chapter Text
(Ex-)Bulls On Grid Minus Max
Daniel Ricciardo has changed the group name from “(Ex-)Bulls On Grid Minus Max” to “(Ex-)Bulls On Grid Minus Max Plus Daniel”
Daneil Ricciardo has added Liam Lawson to the chat
Daniel
I ain’t leaving this chat.
You all can pry it from my cold retired hands.
Yuki
You can stay.
Liam
What is this?
Yuki
Things I have done my best to protect you from.
But you are a driver now.
It is your turn to join the storied ranks of people who have to deal with Lestappen bullshit.
Liam
Lestappen?
Yuki
Charles and Max.
Mostly Max.
This is the Max group chat.
I think there is a Charles group chat, but I am not in it.
And I don’t want to be.
This place is chaotic enough.
Pierre
The Charles group chat is very fun.
Liam
I know what Lestappen is.
Yuki
Then why did you ask?
Liam
Like.
What about them?
Alex
They are terrible.
Liam
Wow this place really is ex-Bulls.
Daniel
Yep.
See, even if we are no longer Red Bulls we still have to deal with Max on a weekly basis.
It’s cathartic.
You’ll see.
Liam
Aren’t you, like, his best mate?
Daniel
Haven’t you ever gotten tired of your best friend?
Pierre
Yes.
All of the time.
Liam
Point taken.
Are they really that bad?
They didn’t seem terrible last year.
Yuki
I was protecting you from it.
You didn’t see it.
Liam
Why does it sound like you are haunted?
Yuki
I am.
Alex
He is.
Pierre
We all are.
Checo
He’s not that bad.
Daniel
Checo is lying.
Liam
Oh.
Yuki
If Checo is ever not lying, you need to run.
Liam
What does that mean?
Pierre
It means that Checo will say Max is not that bad.
Which is crazy because we all saw him in the Vegas cooldown car last year.
But Checo is wrong. Max is that bad.
And so is Charles.
If Checo ever tells you that Max is bad, he is very bad.
Liam
What do you mean by bad?
Alex
You’ll see.
Liam
Because Max isn’t bad.
Max is great!
He’s an amazing pack alpha. He’s great with me and the other junior drivers. He’s always around. He gives nice hugs, and good advice.
He can’t suddenly become terrible because I am on level competition with him.
Like yeah he’s the bane of my existence behind the wheel, but he’s chill. Right?
Daniel
OH no.
This isn’t about that.
Yeah, Max is great!
He stays great!
I mean you saw him last year when you subbed in.
He’s a good pack alpha, and is always a sweetheart.
This is about how Max is about Charles.
The Lestappen bullshit.
Liam
Oh okay.
Daniel
Max is terrible about Charles.
Liam
What does that mean though?
Yuki
Everything.
Liam
You guys can tell how that’s not actually helpful, right?
Alex
Yeah, but you have to be there.
Pierre
We are trying to prepare you.
Liam
Well I don’t feel prepared, I just feel confused.
Are there any guidelines you have for me to deal with Max?
Is that what this is? Rookie advice?
Carlos
No.
This is catharsis.
We come in here to complain about Max.
And sometimes us in the Charles group chat come in with heads up about things Charles does that is going to affect Max.
Daniel
Thank you.
Carlos, Pierre, and Alex have saved us many times.
Yuki
Thank you.
Checo say thank you.
Checo
Thank you.
Liam
I’m getting scared.
Is this about how his den is, like, bright red.
Full of Ferrari shirts.
Alex
Only partly.
Is it actually?
Liam
Well I haven’t seen the track den, but the Milton Keyes den he set up for the pups is very red.
We always laugh about how the Red Bull Junior Pack Room looks like a Ferrari merch shop was raided.
It’s not our fault, Max keeps bringing them to us.
And like he’s pack alpha, so we’re not going to not use the materials he brought us.
Carlos
Max gives Charles’ clothes to his pups?
Liam
I’m not a pup.
Carlos
Liam.
Liam
Yeah?
Has been for years.
Alex
Oh my god.
Nobody tell Charles.
Pierre
Please nobody tell Charles
Yuki
Okay!
Daniel
Got it.
Carlos
I will have to deal with him too.
Charles would combust.
Liam
Guys?
You aren’t really inspiring confidence here?
Is that a bad thing?
Pierre
For me?
Terrible.
Does he actually do that?
For Charles?
Good?
It would be the opposite of the problem.
It would be a happy combusting.
Liam
Okay.
Nope. Not okay. I am very confused.
Why would Charles combust if Max gave his clothes to his pups (which I am not)?
Isn’t that, like, expected?
Yuki
Liam.
I have some very important news to tell you.
Liam
Tone shift.
I’m scared again.
Yuki
Max and Charles are not mated.
Liam
I know.
Everybody knows that.
They aren’t subtle about it.
There are just as many Charles things in the Junior Driver Pack Room as anything else.
Daniel
I think you missed a word.
Pierre
NOT.
NOT MATED.
Liam
WAIT, NOT MATED?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOT MATED?
What the fuck.
They are totally mated.
Pierre
As Charles’ best friend, no they are not.
Daniel
As Max’s best friend, no they are not.
Liam
My entire life is a lie.
What do you mean other dad isn’t my dad?
Carlos
He is just like Oscar.
Liam
Excuse me?
Alex
Oscar is Charles’ I’m-Not-A-Pup.
Liam
Oi!
I am not a pup!
Alex
Oscar also called Max “other dad.”
And Charles let him get away with it.
Does Max let you get away with that?
Do you do it to his face?
Liam
Yes?
He starts to rumble when we call Charles other dad.
Checo
He does not.
Liam
Only a little.
And he’ll stop if he notices you noticing it.
Daniel
I don’t think you were supposed to tell us that, mate.
That’s gold.
Pierre
Okay I am back.
I think my brain broke.
Never tell me that ever again.
I went into a mental tailspin on Charles’ behalf.
I need a new best friend.
Yuki
You really do.
Also Liam, you see how Checo said something?
Liam
Yeah?
Yuki
Run.
Liam
I’ll just stop calling Charles other dad in front of Max then.
Why do I need to run?
He just rumbles.
Pierre
I told you to never tell me that again.
Liam
Well I’m sorry you’re in the group chat.
Carlos
Hello, I am back.
Charles was trying to read over my shoulder.
Alex
Oh is that why you left?
You should have said something.
He’s coming over here now.
Pierre
I have never been more happy to be stuck in a stupid pointless meeting that is serving absolutely nobody.
Alex
Mate, he’s going to pounce on you.
Pierre
That is fine.
That is later me’s problem.
Carlos
You were looking for advice Liam?
Don’t do that.
Don’t let them stew.
Max is better about the stewing, but it gets very dangerous very quickly.
Liam
What the fuck does that mean?
Yuki
You will see.
Liam
I don’t think I want to.
Daniel
Well that’s too bad.
Because the real reason I brought us all here today was not to invite Liam to our little group chat.
It has been three weeks since the last Grand Prix, and Max and Charles did not see each other over the break.
How are they doing?
Pierre
Charles almost went into withdrawal.
Liam
Scent withdrawal?
That thing mates get when they are away from each other for too long?
Alex
Max and Charles are not mated.
Liam
Are you sure about that?
Checo
Yes.
Yuki
Even Checo agrees.
Remember, when Checo agrees, you run.
Liam
But Charles almost went into scent withdrawal?
That’s, like, really bad, right?
Is he okay?
Pierre
He’s fine.
I dug up some old Toro Rosso shirts.
They didn’t smell like Max, but they settled him.
Got Petit Lion back in his arms, it was okay.
But he’s going to need something soon.
I fear this will only tide him over.
Daniel
How about Max?
Checo
He’s fine.
Carlos
Checo is lying.
Max was with me all morning.
Liam
Why?
What does that have to do with anything?
Carlos
I was with Charles in Maranello last week.
That is why Charles was trying to read my phone, because we were cuddling.
Liam
Because you smelled like Max?
Daniel
They grow up so fast.
Liam
Piss off.
Don’t you have a dirt bike to ride?
Daniel
After I make sure my friends are okay.
Liam
Fair enough.
So.
What?
How?
Yuki
Heist!
Liam
Heist!
Yuki
Heist.
Liam
Can you stop saying heist and tell me what you mean?
Yuki
We must steal items from Max’s den to give to Charles.
Liam
What.
Checo
Just go with it.
Liam
If Checo is agreeing I should run.
Where?
Yuki
Far away.
Unfortunately we need you.
You see: when Pierre was at Red Bull it was easy. He would bring Charles’ clothes for his comfort, and then Max would steal them. And then Pierre would bring home Max’s things for his comfort, and Charles would steal them. It was easy. It was peaceful.
And then Pierre abandoned us all and went to Alpine.
Do you know how much he has upset the delicate balance of Max and Charles being fine?
Because they are not fine.
And now I have to pick up the pieces.
Pierre
Sorry.
Yuki
Is the grass greener over there?
Pierre
Ouch. I said I’m sorry.
Yuki
You are forgiven.
Daniel
Take it into DMs you two.
Liam. About the heist.
As Max’s best friend, it was my job to distract him while Yuki did the heisting, stealing covers and pillows and clothing and smuggling it out to Pierre.
I won’t be there.
So you have to be the distraction.
Liam
Checo?
Yuki
Checo does not heist.
But if all else fails he is a very good barrier.
Liam
Barrier?
Checo
Do not worry about it.
Liam
That is so not comforting coming from you.
Alex
Checo’s right. If you get away with calling Charles “other dad” then you could probably do the stealing bit without repercussion.
Liam
See. I’d offer. But then you say things like “repercussions.”
Daniel
He gets a little growly if you take the wrong things.
Max’s dens are made up of Red Bull merch, Ferrari merch, and other things.
The Red Bull merch is his.
The Ferrari merch is Charles.
The other stuff could be his, it could be Charles', or it could be from literally anybody else he considers pack enough to have an item in his den.
Liam
Okay.
That’s normal.
Carlos
They aren’t mated.
Liam
So you’ve been telling me.
Pierre
When you take things from Max’s den, you have to make sure they don’t belong to Charles. Otherwise he will throw a fit.
Liam
I feel like there’s a story behind that.
Pierre
Charles is my best friend. Sorry Max I wanted to make a nest with a shirt that I stole from him and brought to the Red Bull Pack Room FOR MY NEST!!
Alex
Let it out.
Pierre
And then you can’t take Red Bull shirts because then Charles will know that they are from Max, and he will be terrible about it. Yes he does know that anything I give to him for his nest has the possibility of being Max’s, but he likes the plausible deniability.
Liam
I see how this gets annoying.
Pierre
And you can’t just ask Max for things to give to Charles because he doesn’t think Charles would ever want any of his den items.
They might be saturated with his scent.
Which is the point!
I hate him.
Liam
I can tell.
Pierre
I don’t actually.
Liam
Noted.
Carlos
Charles needs Max’s clothes to be happy.
Liam
You keep saying things like that.
Carlos
I know.
Trust me.
They are not mated.
Yuki
And if Charles is unhappy then Pierre is unhappy.
Daniel
And if Pierre is unhappy then Yuki is unhappy.
Liam
And we don’t want Yuki to be unhappy.
Yuki
No you don’t.
Liam
I am still so confused.
Daniel
That’s okay mate. You just gotta go with it.
Liam
Okay.
Sure.
Heist.
What’s my role?
Distraction?
Yuki
Yes.
Liam
How?
Yuki
I haven’t figured that out yet.
Alex
Get him talking. He can go on for ages.
Checo
Be careful with that strategy. He might start talking about Charles.
Liam
Already running.
Yuki
You are learning well.
Daniel
Okay. I have an idea.
He can easily start talking about Charles with it though.
Pierre
Anything.
Charles has actually been terrible. I am not even joking.
Not regular terrible.
These three weeks have been very bad for him.
Daniel
Ask him about COTA.
You’ve never driven this track.
So it’ll be useful.
Liam
Sure. I can do that.
At the risk of sounding stupid, I have a question.
Why?
Daniel
Why?
Liam
Like, why are we doing this?
Surely one of you has thought about bashing their heads together if it's bothering you so much.
Pierre
Liam.
Liam.
Liam.
Charles got so tired of us all texting behind his back about how pathetic he was about Max that he made a group chat himself for us all to talk in.
Charles is in the Charles group chat.
Do you think we aren’t trying?
Alex
Max also knows about this group chat.
Because sometimes he’ll groan and go “the group chat is going to complain about that.”
Liam
So I don’t need to hide this chat from him?
Figured I’d have to.
Carlos
If you tell him it’s the Minus Max chat he’ll leave you alone.
Liam
Weird, but okay.
But also, like, we can’t just tell him we are taking his clothes for Charles?
Daniel
Nope.
He’ll get in his head about it.
Not fun for him, or for us.
Heists are entertaining, and when he asks about where that thing disappeared, and you tell him Charles has it, he gets all smiley.
So it’s better for everybody involved.
Liam
Right.
Carlos
Can you tell Charles that you are stealing his clothes for Max. If the case ever arises for you.
Liam
Okay.
Thanks for the tips guys.
I don’t believe you when you say that Max and Charles aren’t mated, but I’ll play anyways.
Yuki, just text me when I should go get maxplained.
Yuki
I will signal you.
Good luck.
Liam
It sounds like you guys are drafting me for war or something.
Calves, Foals, and Other Honorary Members
Liam
I have been added to the strangest group chat of my life.
Ollie
Oh?
Oscar
The Max Chat?
Welcome to the grid, mate!
I’m in the Charles Chat.
Kimi
The what?
And the what?
Oscar
You’ll see.
Next year.
When you’re on the grid.
Ollie
But we want to know now!
Dino
And I’m not going to be on the grid. When will I find out?
Isack
Yeah!
What about the rest of us?
Why is there a Dad Chat and an Other Dad Chat?
Liam
I would love to explain, but Yuki has just sent me my draft papers.
See you on the other side.
I’m about to get maxplained everything there is to know about COTA for the benefit of Pierre’s sanity.
Oscar
LMAO
Ollie
Wait! I want to come too! I love maxplinations!
Kimi
I am running to Red Bull as we speak.
Hamda
Anyone else feeling left out?
Arvid
I.
Maya
I.
Emely
I.
Oscar
It’s going to be okay everybody.