Chapter Text
There’s a long moment where Kurt stares blankly at Blaine and Blaine stares back, his eyes slowly filling with confusion.
“Hi Kurt,” he says, tentatively, and Kurt finally blinks.
“Um,” he manages to say, and Blaine looks even more confused as he walks past Kurt, who’s still holding the door, and glances around the room.
“So, I was looking for Jeff,” Blaine says.
“Um,” Kurt mumbles and closes the door. He turns to look at Blaine, and takes a deep breath, struggling to find some actual words. His mind is blank but when he sees the pleasant, polite curiosity on Blaine’s face, the anger rises in his chest and he finds himself wanting to throw something at Blaine’s head. Something very hard - in fact his hardcover of War and Peace would be perfect.
Blaine obviously notices something wrong because he suddenly frowns and steps closer.
“Are you okay?”
Kurt nods. “Jeff’s not here,” he says, and whilst it’s a relief that he’s finally managed to say something (and he also hasn’t injured Blaine, or damaged his book), he’s fully aware that he hasn’t been able to keep the tension out of his voice.
Blaine’s frown deepens. “Okay,” he says slowly. “Um, do you know where he is?”
“He’s out,” Kurt replies, bluntly, and he can’t stop himself from adding. “We’re allowed to do that, you know. We don’t have to always tell you where we’re going. Or who we’re with.”
“What are you talking about?” Blaine asks, and his frown has morphed into a look of complete bewilderment that only seems to irritate Kurt even more.
“Canaries,” Kurt says, twisting his hands to try to contain his rising resentment. “You might think you get to use us but that doesn’t mean you own us. And if we decide we want to have a proper, normal relationship with someone who’s not a selfish asshole, then we have every right to do that. Jeff has the right to do that, he has the right to be happy with someone.”
By the time Kurt’s finished, Blaine’s eyes are narrowed and he’s looking as furious as Kurt feels.
“What the hell, Kurt,” he says, in a quiet voice that almost seems to tremble with restrained anger. Kurt braces himself but Blaine’s next words send his mind reeling. “Are you actually trying to tell me that my boyfriend is cheating on me? Because I won’t believe that Jeff would do that.”
Kurt’s mind is blank again and he stares at Blaine, frozen with surprise. But eventually he remembers the look on Jeff’s face as he’d explained that he and Blaine weren’t boyfriends and disbelieving anger unwinds in his chest again.
“Boyfriend,” he says flatly, sceptical, eyes narrowed.
“Crap,” Blaine says. “I know I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, but yeah. Jeff and I have been together for a while. And I won’t believe he’d cheat on me and I don’t understand why you’d talk about him like that. I thought you were our friend, Kurt.”
Kurt frowns, completely confused, but with a growing sense of unease. He crosses the room and sits down on his bed, shaking his head.
“I don’t understand any of this,” he says, watching as Blaine takes a seat on Jeff’s bed opposite. “I’m fast coming to the conclusion that Dalton is actually more insane than the glee club at McKinley.”
“Wait,” Blaine says. “Did you just call me a selfish asshole?”
Kurt winces. “Yeah, sorry about that,” he pauses and then adds, “I think. I’m still not entirely sure.”
“Well, thanks a lot,” Blaine says, with an odd mixture of amusement and annoyance in his voice. “But really, do you know where Jeff is? I’ve been sort of busy with a project lately, and I thought we could go to the movies or something.”
And Kurt’s back to staring at Blaine blankly again, a flush of embarrassment rising in his face and completely unable to think of anything to say, so he sees when Blaine’s eyes widen with dismay.
“You were serious?” he asks in a low voice. “Please Kurt, tell me. Where is he?”
“I don’t know,” Kurt says, and he’s not sure he’s doing the right thing but he has to tell the truth when Blaine’s looking at him like that. “But… he’s with… someone. Blaine, he doesn’t seem to think that you and he are… well. He doesn’t seem to think you’re his boyfriend.”
“What? Why?” Blaine demands, his hands clenching on his knees.
“Well… you’re his mentor,” Kurt explains, reluctantly, and as the blood seems to drain from Blaine’s face he knows that he doesn’t have to say anything more.
“Oh god, I think I’m gonna be sick.”
Blaine’s head drops into his hands and Kurt quickly gets up, crosses the room, and takes a seat next to him on the bed, his hand gripping Blaine’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, and he can’t help feeling that it’s completely inadequate.
Blaine still hasn’t moved a moment later when there’s a light tap on the door. Before Kurt can say anything, it opens, and Sebastian walks into the room.
“Kurt, I thought we were meeting in the…” he begins, but when he sees Kurt and Blaine sitting on the bed, he stops and turns to close the door.
“What’s going on here?” he asks quietly, his voice so full of tension that Kurt looks up at him in surprise.
“Blaine and Jeff…” he falters. “Um… Blaine’s upset.”
“I can see that,” Sebastian replies, and whilst the tension is gone from his voice, there’s still some sort of wariness in his expression that Kurt just can’t read.
“I’m such an idiot.” Blaine says finally, his voice muffled in his hands.
“I won’t dispute that,” Sebastian says, leaning against the door.
Kurt shoots Sebastian a look of resigned disbelief but Sebastian just shrugs and smirks.
“Well, he is,” Sebastian continues. “He just admitted it himself.”
Blaine looks up, and it’s obvious by his dazed expression that he hasn’t heard anything that Sebastian has said. Kurt can’t help feeling relieved about that.
“But how could Jeff think that of me?” he asks Kurt, and his eyes are shining with unshed tears. “How could he think that I’d do that to him.”
An echo of that used, humiliated feeling he’d had earlier twists in Kurt’s stomach, and he flushes miserably as he glances at Sebastian and then takes Blaine’s hand.
“You’ve never been a canary, Blaine,” he says softly, but he can almost feel the way that Sebastian is suddenly listening intently. “You don’t know how it feels… how confusing it is. Especially when your mentor is… um… interested in you. It’s really hard to figure out what that means.” He sighs. “It shouldn’t be like this.”
Blaine nods thoughtfully. “Okay, I get that,” he says. “But, I thought that Jeff knew me. And if he did, then wouldn’t he know that I wouldn’t use him like that? I love him, Kurt.”
Kurt’s suddenly flustered in the face of Blaine’s blunt confession and he’s still searching for something to say when Sebastian crosses the room and sits down on the other side of Blaine.
“The thing is Blaine,” Sebastian says, and there’s a compassionate note to his voice that makes Kurt even more flustered. “The thing is, you were kind of acting like the perfect little Dalton robot.”
“I was just trying to fit in,” Blaine says, defensive.
“Yeah, I get that now, but you really did a good job. Too good, actually. To be honest, I thought you were a bit of an asshole about the mentor thing and I’m sorry I misjudged you on that. I guess I’m not the only one who didn’t understand you though and you need to talk to Jeff about this more clearly.”
There’s a long moment of silence where Blaine digests this and then he shakes his head, and Kurt’s heart sinks at the dejected expression in his eyes.
“I can’t,” he says. “What’s the point? Jeff’s gone off with someone else because he thinks I’m a manipulative bastard who took advantage of him. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Blaine-“ Kurt begins but Blaine shakes his head again and quickly gets to his feet.
“No, I can’t,” he repeats. He gets to the door but then he turns to look at Sebastian. “But this mentor tradition sucks and I won’t be a part of it. Not ever again. So, I’m discarding Jeff. All I ask is that you make sure he doesn’t end up with another mentor as stupid as me.”
A second later he’s gone and Kurt’s still staring at the door when he hears Sebastian let out a little huff of amusement.
“Dramatic little thing when he wants to be, isn’t he?” he says, and Kurt can only shake his head at him in resigned disapproval.
“Well, he is, sweetheart,” Sebastian says firmly. “And that’s fine. It’s certainly more human at least.” He’s smiling at Kurt and his eyes are sparkling in the way that Kurt always seems to find hard to resist, so Kurt can’t help smiling as they stare at each other.
But then the sparkle in Sebastian’s eyes slowly fades and Kurt’s shoulders tighten with tension.
“I think we should talk about this more clearly even if Blaine and Jeff won’t,” Sebastian says in a low voice and Kurt lets out a little sigh of resignation and nods.
“I heard what you said to Blaine,” Sebastian continues. “About confusion. I told you I believe that things really should be clear between a mentor and his canary and now we’ve seen what happens if they aren’t. I don’t want that to happen to us.”
“I don’t either,” Kurt says softly. He meets Sebastian’s steady gaze for a few moments, his heart seems too heavy in his chest all of a sudden, and he has to look away. The thing is, he’s pretty sure that Sebastian wouldn’t deliberately mislead him, but Kurt’s fairly worried that he might have been misleading himself about what’s been happening between them.
“I don’t want to feel like Jeff does,” he says, and his throat feels so constricted that it’s almost too much of a struggle to get the words out. “I don’t want to just be someone’s… canary.”
There’s a long moment of silence. Out of the corner of his eye Kurt sees Sebastian run a tense hand through his hair and something sinks in his heart. A second later he realizes that it was hope.
“I’m sorry,” Sebastian finally says, and Kurt can clearly hear the flat finality in his voice. “I really like you Kurt, but… I meant it when I said I don’t do boyfriends and if that makes you feel like you’d just be my canary, then there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t give you what you want.”
“Only what I don’t want,” Kurt mumbles through numb lips. And that’s exactly how he feels, numb, and he just hadn’t realized how much he’d come to actually like Sebastian but he must have, and liked him a lot, to feel this much disappointment. He still can’t look at him, even when Sebastian suddenly gets to his feet and heads for the door.
He stops though and turns back and Kurt finally looks at him. Sebastian’s face is tight and expressionless and for some reason it makes Kurt feel a little sick.
“I won’t approach you again,” Sebastian says, and his voice is as tight as his face. “And if you want me to discard you, let me know, but I’d like to think we’ve managed to become friends.” He stares at Kurt for a moment and then sighs. “I don’t want to hurt you, Kurt.”
Kurt knows Sebastian wants some sort of response, so he just nods, and Sebastian leaves, his final words still echoing in Kurt’s ears.
“Too late,” Kurt whispers to the closed door. “You already have.”
Five minutes later he’s still staring at the door, wondering how this day, that had seemed like it was going to start so well, has turned into such a disaster.
He can’t help feeling a little like it’s his own fault. He’d got carried away, in the way he always does, he thinks, remembering Blaine and… Finn… but it had all been so new to him. He has to admit that he thinks Sebastian is hot and his own reaction to Sebastian’s attraction had stirred up feelings and desires he’d never had before and he’d been swept away with it.
Eventually he sighs and wanders over to Pavarotti’s cage to top up his seed dish. Pavarotti chirps at him cheerfully and Kurt sighs again, trying to ignore the way his eyes are stinging with unshed tears. He’s not going to cry over Sebastian.
“It just would have been nice if it had mattered, that’s all,” he whispers, and Pavarotti chirps again, as if he’s agreeing.
And that’s what it comes down to, Kurt thinks. It just hadn’t mattered; he hadn’t mattered. Once again, he just wasn’t worth the effort. It had been like that at McKinley and now it had happened again.
Feeling a little sick at the direction of his own thoughts, Kurt sits down at his desk searching for any kind of distraction. Finally he realizes that he really should give Jeff some sort of warning about what has happened and he shoots off a quick text suggesting that Jeff gets back to Dalton as soon as he can.
Because, despite Blaine’s misgivings, Kurt likes to think that perhaps there is still something that can be salvaged out of the whole mess, that maybe something can work out for Blaine and Jeff after all, and when Jeff gets back twenty minutes later with a pale face, Kurt feels even more determined.
“What the hell is going on?” Jeff demands as soon as he’s shut the door. “First I get this text from you telling me to come back, and then I’m almost here when I get a text from Blaine telling me he’s discarding me?” Kurt hears the sheer disbelief and confusion in Jeff’s voice and he winces.
“Kurt, tell me,” Jeff continues. “I can see already that you know something… and it’s not good.”
“Blaine came by looking for you, Jeff,” Kurt says. “And I’m sorry but it all sort of came out about where you were.”
Jeff frowns and Kurt hadn’t thought it was possible for him to look any paler but, still, his face seems to whiten even more.
“So what?” he says, a hint of defiance in his voice. “It’s not against the rules to see someone when you’re a canary. Just look at Nick and Liam. Nick was Sebastian’s canary when he got together with Liam.”
Deep down Kurt knows that Jeff’s bravado is all about hiding his own disappointment and hurt but it annoys him all the same. Because he’s had just about enough of all this foolishness. So far, it’s ruined his day and, as far as he can see, his fledgling something with Sebastian… and he’ll be damned if he’s going to let Blaine and Jeff’s stubbornness ruin anything else.
“Blaine seems to think that it might be against the rules to see someone else when you’re already someone’s boyfriend,” Kurt says with flat sarcasm. “In other words, he thought that you two were… together.”
“Yeah, we had this conversation already, Kurt,” Jeff replies resentfully. “So, don’t get snarky with me. You know that I’m not Blaine’s boyfriend. Now, tell me, why is he discarding me?”
“Why don’t you go and ask him that question?” Kurt says. His voice rises and he sees Jeff’s look of surprise. “Because I’m telling you that he sat here with the very firm idea that you two were together… and not just as the canary and mentor thing. He’s upset that you thought otherwise.”
“He’s upset?”
“Oh my god, Jeff,” Kurt says impatiently. “Will you just go and talk to him and sort this out? I don’t know how the hell you two got this far with this sort of misunderstanding but obviously a long conversation is long overdue. He likes you, you like him. Forget about the whole fucking Dalton Tradition thing and just talk to each other as boyfriends.”
Jeff stares at Kurt for a long moment and then blinks. “Kurt, you just swore. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you do that before.”
“Yeah, well, Dalton’s finally cracked me.”
His laugh is slightly bitter but Jeff, who is still leaning against the door, doesn’t seem to notice. Instead he stares at Kurt with a hopeful expression.
“Are you sure about this, Kurt?” he asks in a soft voice and the vulnerability in it makes Kurt forgive his hesitance.
“I’m sure,” Kurt replies firmly. “Blaine’s too confused to take the initiative Jeff. He just wants to hide at the moment, so if you want to sort this out, I think it’s going to have to be you to make the move. That means if you want him that’s what you’ll have to do, as soon as possible. I can only tell you that so many times.”
“Okay then,” Jeff nods, and a moment later he’s gone, leaving Kurt to look forward to a long boring afternoon of bleak thoughts.
He’s distracting himself by cleaning Pavarotti’s cage when he gets a text from Jeff half an hour later.
‘All sorted,” the text says. ‘We’re going on a date tomorrow night and this time we both know that’s what it is. Thanks Kurt I owe you.’
Well, that’s just… nice, Kurt thinks, that’s very… nice… for them. He can’t help feeling some envy over the way they’ve been able to sort it out and arrange a date when he’s dawdling around on his own at a time when he should have been on a date himself.
He wonders if, or when, he’ll ever finally get to go on a date. He’d come close, he thinks, because last night it had really seemed like that’s what Sebastian had been asking him to do. And then he realizes, in a moment of startling clarity, that Sebastian had asked him on a date. In fact, it feels like he’s actually been dating Sebastian since the night they’d gone to the sports store.
So what on earth did that mean? Was Sebastian even aware of the way he’d been acting… or had he been doing it deliberately just to get Kurt exactly where he wanted him?
Does it really matter though? Kurt wonders apathetically, and then he decides, with a firm nod of his head, that yes actually, it fucking well does. Because he's Kurt Hummel, he's fierce and fabulous and he matters and he wants, no, he deserves a better explanation than that Sebastian just doesn’t do boyfriends.
And he’s going to get one. Right now.
On his way to Sebastian’s room Kurt realizes that Sebastian might not even be there – that he might have reverted back to his normal weekend behaviour and gone off looking for one of his ‘hot dates’. The thought hurts, he can’t deny it, and he almost turns back but he steels himself as he hovers outside Sebastian’s door, and eventually knocks loudly.
The door opens a few moments later and Sebastian’s standing there, looking rather confused.
“Kurt?”
“May I come in, please?”
Sebastian steps back and Kurt walks past him into the room. He doesn’t take his usual seat; he really doesn’t want to have this conversation with Sebastian towering over him more than he already does.
“I suppose you’ve come to tell me you want me to discard you,” Sebastian says. “Well, I’ll try to-“
“Oh, it’s not going to be that easy for you,” Kurt interrupts, unable to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “I’ve actually come for a bit more of an explanation than you’ve so far deigned to give me. Oh, and just to be clear this is not a conversation between a ‘canary’ and his ‘mentor’. This is a conversation between us.”
“I think the kisses we’ve had,” he continues, hopelessly willing himself not to blush, “means that I deserve more information than ‘I don’t do boyfriends’.”
Sebastian leans back against his desk and crosses his arms.
“Oh, do you?”
“Yes, I do,” Kurt replies firmly. “Why are you so dead-set against having a boyfriend anyway?”
“Maybe a better question for you to think about is why do you want one so much?” Sebastian responds, and Kurt can see the spark of irritation in his eyes. “You’ve never had one but I have and I can tell you that it’s not worth the effort. Is that enough of an explanation for you?”
“Nope,” Kurt says, deliberately popping the ‘p’. “So, what? You had one bad experience did you? What happened? He cheated on you? Got bored? So what does that mean… you’re eighteen and that’s it for you? For the rest of your life, no more boyfriends, no more chances to find someone who you can love, someone who’ll love you. That’s sad and you know what it makes you? A coward.”
Not for the first time in his life, Kurt thinks that maybe he’s pushed a little too far, particularly when he sees the set, white look on Sebastian’s face and the plain fury in his eyes. But Kurt’s fairly furious himself in that moment and it makes him ignore his own anxiety in favor of being reckless. Besides, he’s only telling it like it is.
“Oh you’re so full of shit flinging around words like coward, aren’t you sweetheart?” Sebastian finally says, and his voice is cold and hard. “Because let’s be real clear here then. I want to fuck you and you’re too scared to admit that you want the same thing. You’re too scared to admit that you want to just go for it and find out what it’s really like just to have sex with someone like me. You have to gloss it over with ‘romance’ and ‘dating’ and ‘boyfriends’ just to get yourself to the point where you can unclench enough just to let someone kiss you.”
For a moment Kurt is almost blind with anger and a fair amount of embarrassment over how … blunt… Sebastian has been. He’d always thought that ‘seeing red’ was just a trite phrase but he’s pretty sure that what he can see definitely has a tinge of crimson to it. He grinds his teeth and wills himself to calm down enough to actually say something sensible because Sebastian has blindsided him and he knows that it’s exactly what Sebastian intended to do.
“Maybe you’re the one who is full of shit, Sebastian, because you might have failed to notice that you were the one that was setting up ‘dates’ and making up so-called romantic verse. Not me. I think you like me and I think that’s part of why you claimed me.”
The smirk that Sebastian gives him is more of a sneer and Kurt forces himself to ignore it.
“Don’t flatter yourself, sweetheart,” Sebastian says. “Sure, I’ve admitted that I’d like to get into your pants but if you’re not up for that, then there’s always someone else out there who is. Makes no difference to me.”
For a moment Kurt feels like he’s almost frozen and he has to admit to himself that the words hurt, that the words dig into a soft place inside him where he’s tried to shield all of his insecurity and doubt about just how attractive he is.
He’s still staring at Sebastian when the anger seems to drain from Sebastian’s face and a hint of regret dawns in his eyes.
“Look, Kurt, I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “There’s no point in us arguing like this. We already know that we can’t give each other what we want.”
And he’s so sick of hearing about what he can’t have or what he can’t be or what he can’t want, that Kurt makes a snap decision fuelled by the sense of rebellion that he’s firmly been squashing since the beginning of the school year. It had started with the Britney Spears debacle when he’d flared up at Mr. Schuester - and after his Dad’s heart attack and the whole duets fiasco, not to mention Karofsky, it had just been easier to squash himself down and avoid any more risks. But not anymore.
“Actually there is a point,” Kurt says calmly. “Because I’m going to call your bluff, Sebastian. I can admit that it’s true, I am curious about doing… stuff… with you and maybe it’s time I learnt. And hell, I figure there’s a lot you can teach me.”
Sebastian frowns at him, his eyes brimming with confusion. When he finally speaks his hesitant voice betrays just how much Kurt has, in his turn, blindsided him.
“I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Kurt.”
“Why not? You’ll be getting what you want and it’s not like you’ll be risking anything, is it? After all, you don’t have any feelings for me, other than some sort of friendship and basic attraction, so you won’t be at risk of falling in love or anything. Because, as you say, you don’t do that.”
“Kurt-“
“When would you like to start?” Kurt interrupts, and yeah, it feels good to be pushing but at the same time his heart is now thumping so hard that he’s not so much worried that Sebastian will hear it, than that it might mean that he could collapse on Sebastian’s floor. He’s also fully aware that once this conversation is over he’s going to be blushing overtime about the things he’s been saying, but for the moment he holds the embarrassment (and the imminent collapse) at bay.
“You don’t meant it,” Sebastian says, his voice now taking on more certainty.
“Actually I do,” Kurt says firmly, and despite his heart working overtime in his chest, he realizes that he does. He does mean it – he wants to do this. Not only does he want to take this gamble on Sebastian he’s also already feeling a little overheated at the thought of what they can do together.
“Let’s forget everything about canaries and mentors, Sebastian,” he says softly. “Let’s just do this because we’re attracted to each other and we both want to do it. I’m making a choice and I’m choosing you because I like you and because I finally get to make a choice here. Which is a nice change, I can tell you.”
Sebastian’s still staring at him, a perturbed look in his eyes, but as Kurt watches his expression changes to a smile that Kurt can’t quite read.
“Well, you’re very… tempting,” Sebastian says in a soft, smooth voice. “But I have a feeling that I’d be the one calling your bluff, sweetheart. Because this doesn’t really seem like you at all.”
And Kurt can’t help it, he actually snorts and enjoys the sight of Sebastian’s eyes widening with surprise.
“You don’t know me as well as you think you do,” Kurt says. “But I guess you’ll have to take the risk to find out.”
He steps closer to Sebastian and rests a hand against his chest. Butterflies are wreaking havoc in his stomach but the warmth he can feel under his palm does a lot to settle him, and that fact reinforces Kurt’s resolve, because despite everything he still trusts Sebastian.
“What are you going to do?” he whispers and when he sees the flush that comes into Sebastian’s face he’s fairly proud that his first attempt at seduction doesn’t seem to have been a complete disaster.
“Nothing,” Sebastian answers, and Kurt’s heart plummets along with his fragile confidence.
“Nothing right now,” Sebastian continues, and really Kurt prays that the sudden roller-coaster ride to hope doesn’t show on his face. “This is… sudden. I think you need… I think we both need to think about this. We’ll talk again tomorrow.”
Kurt nods and he can tell from the expression in Sebastian’s eyes that he’s thoroughly convinced that Kurt will back down once he’s had time to think. And that just makes him more determined not to give in. He’s well aware that he does need to think, he’s aware that he’s made a quick decision about something that really matters to him, and that he’s risking a lot on that decision. But at the same time he wants the risk and Kurt’s finally decided that he’s allowed to want things.
He wants Sebastian and, come what may, he’s going to try his hardest to have him.
“Okay,” he agrees. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
He leaves the room quickly, knowing that he’s heading for a fairly sleepless night of intense thought. He has to be prepared for the fact that Sebastian might say no, and he also has to be prepared for the fact that he might say yes. Both of those options carry their own unique trials.
Not to mention the fact that Sebastian has still managed to avoid talking about exactly what happened that made him so down on the idea of having a boyfriend… and Kurt has to admit that he feels kind of guilty about the way he’d taunted Sebastian over what might have happened in that relationship.
Still, he knows that in some way he’s right. That Sebastian is too young to be so jaded about relationships to the point where he’s closed himself off from the idea and there’s something about him that makes Kurt want to try to get him to see that.
He just hopes, that in the end, it will be worth it.