Fire in my Heart

by wonder1973

Summary:

After the trial that isolated him, Buck tries to escape his pain during a party in a bar, but wakes up alone and traumatized in a hotel room, with no memory of the night.

Notes:

There will be some scene 🍋🍋!

Happy reading!

I really like the 9-1-1 fanfic that happens during or after the trial...🚒🚒

Chapter 1: Alone in the storm

The moon suspended in the sky of Los Angeles shone like a pale glow, indifferent to the torments of the men below. For Buck, the evening had started as a desperate attempt to forget. Forget the look of your colleagues in the supermarket. Forget the whispers, Eddie's accusations, and this overwhelming desolation that weighed on his shoulders since the trial. He had always been strong for them, for his friends, for his family at the barracks. But tonight, he needed to breathe away from the weight of the world.

The bar, dark and noisy, seemed to him the ideal place. He was only one face among many others, lost in a sea of laughter and glasses that clashed. Buck settled down at the counter, ordering a drink in the hope that the alcohol could stifle the pain, even a little. The minutes passed, the shards of music becoming more and more muffled, drowned in his thoughts.

That's when he noticed it. A man, tall, muscular and smiling, settled next to him, engaging in the conversation in a disarming way. Buck, in his fatigue and vulnerability, answered politely, finding a meager comfort in this unexpected attention. Maybe he deserved to let go, just for one night, just to not feel alone.

"You seem to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders," said the man with an understanding smile.

Buck shrugged his shoulders, forcing a smile. "Does it show so much? "

The stranger laughed, light, relaxed, and offered another drink. "This one is for me. We all need something to forget. "

Buck nodded without thinking. Maybe it was true. Maybe this glass would help him drown his thoughts. The first sip was bitter, but he continued to drink. The lights of the bar began to dance around him, his thoughts became blurred, his eyelids heavy. The man was still talking to him, but the words no longer made sense. An invasive heat, a sudden weariness... Then nothing.

***

When Buck opened his eyes, the morning light infiltrated through the curtains of an unknown hotel room. His head was buzzing, his body was heavy, numb. The crumpled sheet under his fingers seemed foreign to him. He slowly straightened up, feeling a wave of panic rise in him.

"Shit, shit shit!!" he shouted. He had no memory of the previous night after this last drink.

He was alone. His clothes were scattered, as if all this had been a feverish dream. Yet reality was hit. Something was wrong. A nausea knotted his stomach as he tried to understand what had happened. The silence of the room chilled him. He felt lost, violated in a space he no longer controlled.

Taking a deep breath, Buck stood up. He had to get out of here, find his bearings, try to glue the pieces of this broken night back together. The tremors of his hands, the emptiness in his eyes... everything screamed at the trauma that he struggled to understand.

Without a word, he picked up his things, hurriedly put on his clothes and left the room. The hotel corridor was suffocating, but it was nothing compared to the storm that rumbled in it. For Buck, the road to healing was going to be long and lonely, at least he believed so. He still did not know that another fight, more intimate and unexpected, was brewing in him.

Chapter 2: The Unexpected

The silence in Buck's apartment was oppressive. He sat on the sofa, his eyes fixed on the wall in front of him, lost in an abyss of dark thoughts. Since that night when everything had changed, he felt empty, bruised. Fear and shame gnawed him a little more every day. He had tried to resume a normal routine, but each attempt was a burning failure. There was no way to deny what had happened. It was inscribed in his skin.

He didn't sleep anymore. The dark circles under his eyes had become permanent, and every time he saw himself in the mirror, he felt a deep disgust for himself. The trial, which was supposed to give him back his work and his family, only worsened his condition. The accusing looks, the whispers, the abandonment of those he loved the most... all this crushed him. But, beyond the psychological pain, Buck began to feel something different.

He was nauseous. Unexplained fatigue. A feeling of vertigo that left him trembling. First, he put all this on the stress account. But quickly, he understood that it was more than that. He tried to ignore it, but one morning, while he was struggling to keep his breakfast, he realized: something was wrong.

After days of hesitation, Buck went to the hospital. He reluctantly explained his symptoms, carefully avoiding any eye contact. The doctor, a woman with an understanding look, listened to him carefully before prescribing him a series of tests. The wait was endless. Sitting on a plastic chair, Buck clenched his fists, his nails sinking into his palm. He couldn't help but go over and over again what had led him here.

When the doctor came back, she had a serious look, but also a burst of sweetness in her eyes. She sat in front of him and took a deep breath. "Buck, the test results are back. What I'm going to tell you may surprise you... or shock you. You are pregnant. ”

The word took his breath away. "What? He stared at her, his heart beating at full speed. It made no sense. Not in his reality. "It's not possible. I am a man, I... ”

The doctor nodded slowly. "I know it's hard to hear. But there have been extremely rare cases of male pregnancies due to specific conditions. We don't understand everything yet, but... it's real. You carry a life. ”

Buck shook his head, tears in his eyes. "No... No, it's impossible. "But deep down, he knew it was true. Every symptom, every change... everything led to that.

He was released from the hospital in shock. The following days were a whirlwind of emotions. He cried for hours, alone at home. He thought of his family, Hen, Chim, Maddie, Athena, Bobby and.... Eddie, the man he loved... those who had rejected him. He thought about the trial, about everything he had been through. This baby was not what he wanted, but it was there. And, strangely, it was the only thing that still gave meaning to his life. He could not continue to fight on all fronts. He had to make a choice.

A few days later, he made an appointment with his lawyer. When he entered Mackey's office, he felt exhausted but resolved. Mackey, accustomed to his stressed customer, immediately noticed the change in his behavior.

"Buck, what's going on? He asked, frowning.

Buck sat down and took a long breath. "I'm stopping the trial. ”

Mackey blinked, incredulous. "You're kidding? We are two fingers away from winning. It's your time, Buck! You can't give up now. ”

"I can and I will do it," Buck replied, his voice trembling but firm.

The lawyer stood up, annoyed. "You don't realize what it implies! All the work we have done, all the sacrifices... What are you going to throw everything in the trash for? ”

Buck looked down. "It's not something you can understand. ”

Mackey stared at him for a moment, then his gaze hardened. "You're making a mistake. ”

"Maybe," Buck whispered as he stood up. "But it's my thing to do. ”

He left the office without looking back. When he returned home, he closed the door behind him, put a trembling hand on his stomach and whispered: "I have you. Tears flowed don his cheeks, but for the first time in a long time, he felt a warmth, a semblance of hope. He would never be alone again.

Chapter 3: The Child and Solitude

The morning had become a burden, and Buck no longer knew how to deal with reality. He had woken up in the same position as the day before, still in the same chaos. The sheets wrapped around him, the heavy body, and this feeling of vertigo that did not leave him. The silence in his apartment seemed to suffocate him with every breath. He couldn't believe what he had just learned at the hospital a few days earlier.

He was pregnant. How was it possible? Every time he tried to understand, a dull pain invaded his mind, as if the answer to this question escaped with each attempt. A pregnant man... It wasn't supposed to exist. But the results were there, and the reality, as absurd as it was, was imposed.

Buck stood up staggering, his feet touching the cold ground. He went to the bathroom, his reflection in the mirror seeming foreign to him. His gaze fell on his belly, still flat, but yet... he knew it. This little being was there, in him. He had seen the results, heard the doctor's words. It wasn't a dream. It was a reality that distorted everything he had known until now.

The nausea that had invaded him for days persisted, he had trouble eating and keeping anything. The symptoms were there: excessive fatigue, uncontrollable nausea, feelings of vertigo. It was a whirlwind in his body, but also in his mind. And he felt incredibly alone. His body no longer belonged to him. His mind also stook under his feet.

He sat on the sofa, holding his head in his hands, feeling the tears mounted. Everything he had been through... this trial, this loneliness, the distance from his family at 118. They had all rejected him, and he had no idea how to fix what he had broken. But this situation, its state... it would complicate everything more.

He had no more landmarks. He felt caught in a whirlwind of contradictory emotions: fear, confusion, shame, but also a strange form of hope that grew in him, because this baby... this baby was an accident. But it was also a miracle. A link. A future, however uncertain it may be, but a future.

With a trembling gesture, he grabbed his phone. He had hesitated for hours, wondering if he still had the right to go see them. His friends. His family from 118. But he could not stay there, alone in his apartment, with these black thoughts that invaded him more and more. He needed to see familiar faces, to find himself in a place that was supposed to be his home, even if he knew he would not be welcomed there in the same way.

Without thinking too much, he grabbed his keys and hurried out of his house. He got into his car and started then crossed the streets of Los Angeles, without a specific goal, but always towards the barracks. He wondered how he was going to tell them, if he would even be able to tell them anything. But he knew deep down that he had to face. He could no longer live in this void.

When he arrived at the barracks, the atmosphere was heavy. He felt a palpable tension in the air, as if everyone was waiting for him, without really wanting to see him. He entered in silence, his gaze fleeing those around him.

He climbed the stairs in silence, not daring to meet anyone's eyes. Bobby, who was preparing a meal, looked up and his expression hardened when he saw him. Buck stopped for a few seconds at the top of the steps. He felt his throat knot, but he forced himself to move forward. What he was going to say... he didn't know anything about it. But it had to be done. He had nothing else.

"Buckley," said Bobby, his voice cold, almost sharp. He seemed to have wanted to say something more, but he was silent. The atmosphere in the room was heavy, and the others, without speaking, scrutinized Buck as if he were a stranger.

Buck slowly approached Bobby, a part of him hoping to find comfort in the leader's voice, but he knew deep down that this was not what he was going to find here. He swallowed his saliva with difficulty, hesitating on the words to say. He felt that everything he said would only make the situation worse.

"Bobby..." He began, his voice trembling. "I know you're all angry. I know I ruined everything. But... I have to talk to you. I have to tell you something important."

Bobby straightened up, his arms crossed, but without taking his eyes off Buck. Eddie, behind him, just looked at him, his arms still crossed, an indecipherable expression on his face.

"What's going on now Buckley?" Bobby asked, with a hint of reproach in his voice. "You left us in a flat. You sued us and after everything you made us endure, do you really think we're just going to accept you back?"

Buck felt the pain of an already pronounced rejection, but he knew he had to continue. "I'm... I'm pregnant," he finally said, almost in a whisper. "I know it sounds absurd, but it's true."

He looked up at them, waiting for a reaction. The silence that followed was heavy, almost suffocating. No one reacts immediately. Buck's words echoed in the room, but none of them seemed to be able to respond.

Hen, finally, broke the silence. "You... what are you?" His voice trembled, as if she couldn't grasp what he had just said.

"I'm pregnant," Buck repeated, louder this time. "And I know you all hate me. But this baby... that's all I have."

Bobby turned his head, an air of despair in his eyes. He stood up without a word, and the others looked at each other in silence. Rejection, judgments, misunderstanding, all this hit Buck like a wave, suffocating him.

"I'm leaving," said Buck, tears in his eyes. "I knew you couldn't forgive me..."

And on these words, he turned his heels, leaving the barracks running, without a look back. Sense see the sadness in their eyes and their screams asking him to stop.

Chapter 4: An Unexpected Refuge

Buck wandered the streets of Los Angeles, his heart heavy and his thoughts in disorder. After the confrontation with his colleagues at 118, he needed to flee, to get away from all those who reminded him of his pain. He had gotten into his car without a specific goal, letting the roads stretch in front of him, his mind immersed in a whirlwind of emotions. Tears flowed don his face, each drop symbolizing the pain and rejection he had just felt.

He drove for a long time, losing track of time, his hands clenched on the steering wheel. The memories of the night at the bar, of his unfortunate choices, and of the confrontation with his friends haunted him. Then, without really thinking about it, he found himself attracted to a house he knew well, that of a friend he hadn't contacted for years. The last time he saw his friend was before he definitely came to live in Los Angeles...

He stopped in front of his friend's house, his heart beating. The idea of knocking on this door seemed to him both comforting and terrifying. His hands trembled as he hesitated, wondering if it was a good idea. But he knew that he could not stay alone in this state. Taking a deep breath, he got out of the car and approached the door, his stomach knotted by anguish.

He struck gently, fear and hope mixing in him. After a few moments, the door opened almost suddenly. A beautiful black man, looking surprised, looked at him with wide eyes. " Puppy? Oh my god, what happened to you? His friend's voice betrayed a palpable concern, and Buck felt a wave of relief invade him at the sight of this familiar face.

His friend, realizing the state he was in, left the door open and looked at him intensely, as if he was trying to decipher what was going on in Buck's mind.

Buck felt vulnerable, his friend's concern only accentuating his despair. "I... He tried to speak, but his voice broke, suffocated by the pain that overwhelmed him. Each word seemed like a weight that he could not lift.

"I..." he whispered, but the words remained stuck in his throat. He felt so weak, as if the mere fact of sharing his suffering would plunge him even more into despair. The silence stretched between them, each second seeming like an eternity.

"I... Hondo, I.-»

Chapter 5: The Weight of Silence

The silence in the room was deafening. Buck stood there, his gaze lost, while Hondo, his longtime friend, watched him with palpable concern. The tension in the air was almost electric, each passing second stretching into eternity. Buck could feel the heat of tears threatening to escape, but he forced himself to remain stoic. There was so much he wanted to say, but the words eluded him.  

Hondo, seeing his friend’s state, stepped forward slightly. “Listen, Buck, I don’t know what happened, but I’m here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”  

Hondo’s warm voice resonated like a lifeline in the ocean of pain where Buck was drowning. With a trembling sigh, he forced himself to say the words that burned on his tongue. “I… I’m pregnant.”  

Hondo’s face shifted, moving from concern to shock. “What? Are you… are you serious?” He furrowed his brows, trying to process the revelation. Buck nodded, his heart pounding in his chest.  

“I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. I don’t even know how it happened…” His voice broke, and he ran a hand over his face, trying to hold back the tears. “I’m lost, Hondo. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”  

Hondo stepped closer, placing a reassuring hand on Buck’s shoulder. “Listen, kid, the first thing you need to do is calm down. We’ll figure this out together. You’re not alone, I promise you.”  

A shiver of gratitude coursed through Buck. That simple gesture, that promise of friendship, gave him a flicker of strength. “I don’t even know if I can be a good father… or if I’m ready for this.” His voice was barely a whisper.  

“No one’s ever really ready, Buck. You learn as you go.” Hondo looked him straight in the eye, his determination unmistakable. “You’ve faced tougher situations before. Think about everything you’ve overcome in your life. You’re a fighter.”  

Hondo’s words resonated within him, but Buck still felt overwhelmed by fear. He thought back to the faces of his former colleagues, their expressions of rejection. “And my friends? Or rather, my ex-friends... They’ll never forgive me. I messed everything up… You might not know, but I got them into a lawsuit!”  

Hondo shook his head, refusing to let Buck spiral into dark thoughts. “Don’t let that weigh you down. I get that things are complicated, but that doesn’t mean they can’t forgive you, especially if you mattered to them before. What matters now is how you feel and what you need.”  

Buck lowered his eyes, his heart racing. He knew Hondo was right. He needed to face his fears and risk being vulnerable. But the thought of returning to the 118, of confronting the pain and the blame, was unbearable. He’d already tried, and it had gone badly—like the time he ran into them at the grocery store or earlier today, before coming to Hondo’s place.  

“I don’t know if I can handle all of this. I’ve already lost so much, and I don’t want to feel that pain again.” His voice trembled, betraying the anxiety that gripped him.  

“Listen, Buck,” Hondo said firmly, “you need time to process everything. Why don’t you stay here tonight? We can talk more later or tomorrow. Take all the time you need. I won’t let you face this alone.”  

Buck looked up, surprised by the offer. “Are you sure? I don’t want to be a burden.”  

Hondo smiled, a comforting light in his gaze. “A burden? Not at all. You’re my friend, my little brother even, and you need support. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Staying here will do you good.”  

Buck felt overwhelmed by gratitude. “Okay, I’ll stay. Thank you, Hondo. It means a lot to me.”  

“Good.” Hondo patted his shoulder, then gestured toward the couch. “Make yourself at home. I’ll whip up something to eat. You must be hungry.”  

Buck sat on the couch, his gaze lost in the void. The anxiety within him hadn’t fully dissipated, but knowing Hondo was there for him brought a sense of comfort. He watched his friend move around the kitchen, his gestures steady and natural.  

“You know,” Buck began, finally breaking the silence, “I never thought I’d find myself in this kind of situation. I thought my life was already complicated enough. And now I’m here, at your place, after years of silence...”  

Hondo turned, a compassionate smile on his lips. “Life’s full of surprises, isn’t it? But sometimes, those surprises help us grow in ways we never imagined. And even if we haven’t seen each other in a long time, you’ll always matter to me, kid.”  

Buck nodded, contemplating Hondo’s words. “Maybe. But right now, I just feel… lost. Like everything is falling apart around me.”  

“It’s normal to feel that way, especially with what you’re going through. It’s important to give yourself time to feel all of this. Don’t rush.” Hondo returned to the kitchen, and Buck closed his eyes for a moment, letting himself be carried by his friend’s comforting voice.  

“What am I going to tell my brother?” Buck asked, thinking of Clay, the brother he hadn’t seen in far too long. “I mean, he’s still in the military, and he has his own life. I don’t want to burden him with this.”  

Hondo came out of the kitchen with a steaming plate of pasta. “You know, sometimes family is there to support us, even when we think we shouldn’t bother them. I’m sure Clay will be there for you. And it’s better to be honest with him.”  

Buck took a bite of the pasta, appreciating its comforting taste. “I guess you’re right. But it’s just… so complicated.”  

“It is, yeah. But you don’t have to face it alone. I’m here. And if you want, I can help reach out to Clay and the others for you. Maybe they can come see you.”  

Buck froze, surprised by the offer. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I don’t want them to feel responsible for me. Especially Steve… He’ll rush over here the moment he finds out…”  

“They’ll always feel responsible for you. They’re your family. And family takes care of each other.” Hondo gave him a sincere look. “Deep down, you know isolating yourself will only make things worse. You need support, and I’m here to help you find it. They will be too.”  

Buck felt overwhelmed by emotion. Hondo’s warmth and friendship were like a beacon in the darkness. “Thank you, Hondo. I… I really appreciate all this.”  

“That’s what friends are for,” Hondo replied with a smile. “Now, let’s talk about how you’re feeling. What’s weighing on you the most right now?”  

Buck sighed, thinking over the question. “I think it’s the fear of the unknown. I don’t know how I’m going to handle all of this. I feel like I’m losing control of my life.”  

“That’s understandable. Fear is often our first reaction to major changes. But remember, it’s okay to be afraid. What matters is how you choose to face that fear.”  

Hondo’s words resonated with him, offering a glimmer of clarity amidst the chaos. They continued talking late into the night, sharing memories, laughter, and even tears. Hondo spoke of his own struggles and doubts, comforting Buck in ways he hadn’t thought possible.  

Finally, as night fell, Hondo and Buck found themselves on the couch, tired but at peace. Hondo stood to turn off the light, creating a soothing atmosphere. “Do you want me to set up a bed for you tonight?”  

Buck nodded, feeling strangely relieved at the thought of not being alone. “Yeah, I think that would be nice.”  

“Perfect. Stay here; I’ll get it ready.” Hondo disappeared into another room, leaving Buck in the quiet of the night.  

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and for the first time in a long time, felt a little lighter. With Hondo by his side, he knew he had a solid support system. And for the first time, he felt a glimmer of hope—a promise that no matter what lay ahead, he wouldn’t face it alone.  

As he lay back on the couch, Buck understood that the road ahead would be long, but he was ready to face it. Tomorrow, he would talk it over with Hondo, and maybe together, they could find a way forward.