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Here’s the thing, Frank is a professional. He always has been. Always will be. After loosing his leg during his service, there was very little that could throw him off his game.
And then he got assigned the 118.
The 118 was… special. They were a family and Frank could see how important each one was to one another, each relationship special. Forged literally in fire.
Frank was confident he could help the 118. And he did. Time and time again. From Hen Wilson to Maddie Buckley, each time a member of the 118 or their family appeared in front of him, Frank provided the professional tools and talk therapy needed to get them back on track.
That changed when he met Eddie Diaz.
Eddie Diaz, was frankly the hardest patient of his career. And that’s not to say Eddie Diaz wasn’t polite and determined to heal, he was, but…
Frank noticed from the first session with Eddie Diaz that the man seemed oblivious to his own needs, wants, and frankly his feelings. He spoke of married life, of Shannon, in a way that made Frank pause. Yes, Eddie Diaz had loved his wife but Frank feared the man had yet to realize what kind of love. Actually Frank’s fear was that Eddie Diaz would never realize.
Evan “Buck” Buckley, was frequently a subject in Eddie Diaz’s stories. The first time he had come up, the look on Eddie’s face had taken Frank’s breath away. For the first time since meeting Eddie Diaz, he was genuinely smiling. Soon, Frank would see this facial expression “the Buck smile”, where Eddie’s facade would disappear and his voice would drop with the same affection etched into every corner of his face.
“I’m sorry who is Buck?” Frank had asked the first time after letting Eddie ramble about Buck and Chris, hesitant to stop the obvious joy Eddie got from speaking about them, “You said Chris was with him for the weekend because you have an extra shift?”
“Oh Buck is my partner,” Eddie had said casually and Frank had debated dancing with happiness, maybe Eddie Diaz wasn’t completely oblivious.
“And how long have you two been together?” Frank had asked, unsure where Buck fit in with Shannon’s recent reappearance (and subsequent loss).
“We got assigned as partners the day I started at the 118,” Eddie grinned wider, “After he decided to stop hating me, he’s been my best friend. In life. Not just at work.”
Work partners. This was the first time Frank realized how deep Eddie’s obliviousness (maybe repression?) actually ran.
And yet there were moments when Eddie Diaz’s awareness seemed to blossom.
(“I almost died. So I changed my will, Buck would never stop fighting for Chris, I can’t trust anyone else the way I do Buck.”
Or
“It was just a panic attack, I already talked to Buck. But Chris loves Ana, I’m sure I can too… right?”
Or
“I once said dating felt like a performance, and I’m just so tired of forcing things. Why is dating so exhausting?”
Or
“Someone on a call said Buck’s birthmark was the sign of the devil. It took everything in me not to yell at this injured woman explaining Buck is the opposite. An angel even. He’s mine, that's for sure.”
Or
“3 minutes and 17 seconds. It felt like the world had stopped. Without him, I couldn’t breathe. When I restarted his heart… I never felt so much”
Or even Frank’s personal favorite…
“She doesn’t know him. She’s fascinated by him. She doesn’t know Buck the way I do,” Eddie’s voice shaking with emotion, jealousy or fear, Frank wasn’t positive.)
But as always, no matter how closely Eddie Diaz seemed to dance around it, Eddie Diaz seemed unable to see the truth. His truth. And honestly, Frank wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep being professional.
Frank had come close to shaking Eddie two sessions ago when he walked in deathly pale and hair missing its usual gel.
“Did something happen this week that has thrown you?” Frank had asked carefully after sitting in silence, similar to their first session. The silence was hesitant. Frank had felt certain this time was it. He was already writing the word “Buck” on his paper when Eddie surprised him.
“My parents took Chris.” Eddie’s voice was shaky, “And I don’t blame them. He needed the space. From me. Buck couldn’t even get him to stay.”
“I’m sorry… I feel like I’m missing something here,” Frank was hesitant to point out that Buck had taken a co-parenting role (again).
“I blew up my life.” Eddie had said, not wanting to elaborate. Frank waited. Stared at Eddie, neither of them making a move.
“Her name is Kim,” Eddie finally sighed, “I didn’t mean to cheat. But she was there and looked so much like Shannon. Here look.” Eddie shoved his phone into Frank’s hands.
And Frank was surprised to see that it was in fact Shannon’s doppelgänger… with two distinct differences.
“Wow,” Frank was stalling, even he could hear himself stall, “She does look very similar. Except for the two… things…”
“The what?” Eddie seemed surprised, “They’re identical.”
Frank knew it was a risk but he couldn’t stop it when the next few words came out of his mouth, “Except for the birthmark.” The birthmark that screamed Eddie’s best friend’s name.
“Oh,” Eddie seemed surprised, “What else? You said there were two things.”
“Her style. It seems to contrast with Shannon’s flowery tops I’ve always seen in the photos. It’s much more…” Buck-like is what Frank’s mind supplied unhelpfully, “It’s different.”
“Oh.” Eddie had gone silent for a few moments, “So I blew up my life over a woman who just sorta reminds me of my ex-wife?”
“I didn’t say that,” Frank was `now toeing a dangerous line, “She looks remarkably like Shannon, I can understand your curiosity.”
“Buck found out and…” Eddie had looked away. Frank sat up straighter, “Buck found out and made me realize what I was doing wasn’t right. And I ended it. Whatever we were doing. Hanging out?”
“You’re saying you didn’t sleep with her?” Frank had pushed.
“No!” Eddie seemed offended, “Buck asked the same thing. But like I told him, I never even thought about that. Never even considered kissing her.“
Frank would pay for Eddie Diaz to listen to himself.
“Right,” Frank was applying his own advice and taking deep breaths, “So how did this accumulate to Chris leaving?”
“After I ended it and explained how she looked like Shannon…. Well Kim came back and WAS Shannon.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“She came back dressed as Shannon. With a wig. And basically tried to give me closure. Asking about Shannon and what she meant to me. If she was the love of my life.” Eddie made no acknowledgment that this was for lack of better terms, crazy, “And then Marisol and Chris walked in and for a second he thought Kim… thought Kim was his mother. That she was back.”
Frank understood now. The emotions about Kim were once again distinctly tied to Chris and motherhood.
“Chris called my parents and they got on a plane and took him. Back to Texas. And I’m alone.” Eddie Diaz wasn’t crying, but this was the closest Frank has seen him come (with the exception of Eddie’s appointment where he discussed the lightning strike that had almost taken Buck).
“Eddie,” Frank finally said, “Before I say anything else, I need you to know you are not alone.”
“But I am,” Eddie had looked hopeless, “Chris is gone. I don’t know who I am without him.”
“Chris is not gone. Not forever. As you said he needs space because what you did hurt him,” Frank let his expression go soft, “You did a bad thing. You cheated on Marisol with your late wife’s doppelgänger, you did not kill anyone. You did not tell Chris you don’t love him. He needs time to process. And it sounds like you do too.”
“I also disappointed Buck,” Eddie whispered, “I’ve never seen him so disappointed in me. I didn’t mean to hurt him.”
Frank, for a moment, thought he was going crazy. Eddie’s guilt was wrapped around Buck and Chris, and yet his girlfriend was missing from said emotion.
“And Marisol?” Frank had dared to ask.
“Oh,” Eddie looked confused, “Her leaving felt like a relief. Is that bad to say? And I know I hurt her but… it doesn’t feel the same as what I did to Buck.”
Frank let that sit in the air before finally responding, “Based on everything I know about you and Buck, he’s not going anywhere even if he’s reacting like you believe he is.”
“You don’t think he’s mad?” Eddie’s voice was vulnerable, “I can’t do this without him. Especially now that Chris is gone.”
“I feel confident Buck is worried about you,” Frank had hesitated but added, “Like all partner’s, when one is hurting the other is as well.”
“I can’t handle him leaving,” Eddie was whispering now.
“I know.” Frank decided honesty was the best policy… just not too much. Not yet. He was a professional. “Nothing you’ve said has indicated he is going to.”
Relief was obvious. Once again Frank wished Eddie could understand why this was so important.
“Next session I’d like to expand on what Kim said,” Frank informed him once the session drew to a close, “About Shannon being the love of your life. Just be prepared.”
That was a month ago. The previous session two weeks ago, Eddie successfully avoided the “love of his life” talk by giving Frank a new level of repression to work through.
Eddie Diaz came in with a red face and a guilty conscience. Frank was writing Buck’s name down when Eddie’s first words hit him like a train. Frank’s professionalism died as the pen in his hands dropped in surprise.
“I think I’m homophobic,” Eddie Diaz had said, voice shaky.
“I—“ Frank had only been truly knocked speechless a few times in his career. All times involved members of the 118.
“I feel like a terrible person,” Eddie was now shaking, “How do you stop being homophobic?”
“Eddie…” Frank was rapidly trying to get his bearings before Eddie spiraled too far.
“I never thought I was,” Eddie was talking quickly now, “I never once stopped to think about Hen and Karen. Or Josh at dispatch.”
Frank had successfully recovered enough to murmur out, “So why do you think you’re homophobic?” The half written Buck on his sheet was completed while he waited for Eddie to continue.
“Well,” Eddie was hesitating and Frank could see the internal battle, “Buck came out as bisexual.”
And Buck’s name was now circled.
“When he came out, I told him nothing would change. And yet…” Eddie Diaz was struggling.
The weighted blanket of repression unable to be shaken off. Frank was a professional. He didn’t need to scream.
“And yet….” Frank motioned for Eddie to continue.
“And yet, I can’t stand to be around him and his boyfriend.” Eddie’s face was contorting weird. Frank was a professional. He didn’t need to shake Eddie Diaz silly.
“What part is hard for you?” Frank decided that was the safest question.
“I just hate him,” Eddie’s admission had force behind it.
“Who?” Frank knew Eddie wasn’t referring to Buck, but Eddie needed to say it. To spell it out for himself.
“Tommy fucking Kinard,” Eddie’s voice had taken a tone Frank had never heard, even with Buck’s former partners… maybe with the exception of… Emma? Annie? Abby!
(“How dare she expect Buck to just risk his life for her fiancé. She never deserved Buck. She left him behind, which is already something I can’t imagine anyone sane would do.”)
“Tommy?” Frank had only then put the pieces together, “ Your friend Tommy? The pilot?” Maybe Buck was as clueless as Eddie, Frank had never considered that. Instead he assumed Buck was aware of his feelings, but it may be that Buck was as big of an idiot as Eddie. Not that Frank truly believed idiot was the correct word. But watching this for the past 5.5 years took a toll.
“Not my friend anymore. I can’t even look at him,” Eddie was practically shaking, “Apparently he has a history of racist and misogynistic remarks during the previous captain’s reign at the 118. Not that I can talk considering I’m so homophobic I can’t even stand to be around him.”
“Can you still be around Buck?” Frank could feel the closet doors opening deep within Eddie Diaz, he just need a larger push. But Frank was a professional.
“Of course,” Eddie looked startled by the question, “Buck has been the only thing keeping me together these past couple weeks. It’s only when Tommy is around saying stuff like ‘Evan’” Frank had never seen Eddie sneer, “Or when Tommy is kissing him that the feeling starts.”
“Describe that feeling for me if you don’t mind,” Frank had asked.
“Homophobia?” Eddie supplied unhappily. When Frank pursed his lips and motioned to elaborate Eddie continued, “It’s a feeling in my gut. Almost like anger. But mainly a need to stop Tommy from touching him. Sometimes I have to physically stop myself from moving his hand off Buck. My chest goes tight and I just can’t stop looking. And feeling how wrong it is.”
Frank let that marinate. Eddie Diaz was so close. Two more steps.
“What feels wrong about it exactly?” Frank was a professional so he couldn’t knock Eddie up top the head like a friend would.
“Tommy touching him. Acting like Buck is his,” even Eddie faltered at that one, “I just… I hate them. And I can’t. I can’t hate them. Because I can’t lose him. So teach me how to stop being homophobic.”
Frank wished he could say everything he wanted to. But he was a professional, so all he said was, “I don’t think you are homophobic Eddie.” He didn’t add he thought Eddie was jealous. That would be too much for the man.
The session had ended not long after that. Eddie no less convinced he wasn’t homophobic and Frank no longer sure the glass closet could be escaped.
So, Frank had spent the two weeks between Eddie Diaz’s sessions preparing. Frank knew right now was the best timing he’d ever get to lead the 118 member to his salvation. To his freedom.
When Eddie Diaz came in that day, Frank was ready.
“So Eddie,” Frank started slowly, “There’s a few things I want to go over today. I need you to trust me. Think you can do that?”
“What choice do I have?” Eddie seemed resigned to his fate.
“You always have a choice Eddie,” Frank told him sincerely, “But I hope you trust me enough at this point to indulge me.”
When Eddie nodded, Frank smiled and looked down on his notepad and finally asked, “What did you say to Kim when she asked if Shannon was the love of your life?”
Eddie’s nose scrunched up and he was blinking rapidly, “What?”
“What did you say when asked if Shannon was the love of your life?” Frank repeated patiently.
“I said I think so,” Eddie finally responded after a few more startled blinks.
“Alright,” Frank looked at his next question, took a breath and then asked, “What made her the love of your life?”
“Chris,” Eddie’s answer was immediate. And exactly what Frank assumed it would be, “She gave me Chris. He gives me purpose. Even now. I know I have to get better for him.”
“So Chris is the love of your life?” Eddie looked confused at this question. Frank almost felt bad.
“Can your son be the love of your life?” Eddie’s voice mirrored his face.
“Every time I’ve asked you about Shannon it always comes down to one thing. Chris,” Frank chose his next words carefully, “If Shannon hadn’t gotten pregnant would you have still married her?”
“No,” Both Frank and Eddie looked at eachother with shock. His from Eddie actually admitting it (and so easily) and Eddie’s out of true surprise with himself, “I mean. I don’t know.”
“It’s okay Eddie,” Frank wanted to give him a hug but as his repeated mantra stated… he was a professional, “You’re not disrespecting Shannon, her memory, or Chris by admitting that. Nor would you be by acknowledging that Shannon may not be the love of your life.”
“You don’t think she’s the love of my life?” Eddie asked sitting up straighter.
“Let me ask you something,” Frank pointedly ignored Eddie’s question, “Forget the notion of a wife or family. Forget your past. In this moment, right now, what would you want love to feel like?”
“Safety,” Eddie finally breathed out after a moment or two of heavy silence, “Belonging. Being chosen every time. Silent understanding. Trust. Support… I guess?”
“Did Shannon provide that?” Frank was growing bolder, “Don’t be afraid Eddie.”
“No she didn’t,” Eddie breathing was a little faster now, “None of them did.”
“None of who?” Frank was pushing but he knew it was time. It had to be.
“My past girlfriends. Ana or Marisol. Kim,” Eddie looked horrified, “What’s wrong with me? How broken am I? Can I not love anyone?”
“Nothing is wrong with you. You are not broken Eddie,” Frank could see the light at the end of the closet—ahem tunnel, “Please don’t panic with my next question. Don’t bolt. Just let yourself think.”
“Can we go back to my homophobia instead? We never finished that.” Eddie was basically pleading to change the subject… to what Frank would argue is actually the same subject.
“We’ll come back to that,” Frank said instead, “But may I ask you this next question without you leaving?”
“I haven’t run in a long time,” Eddie Diaz was being brave. Frank was so proud, “But yes. Ask your stupid question.”
“Has anyone made you feel like that?” Frank instantly could tell that wasn’t clear so in a kiss goodbye to professionalism he added, “Does your partner make you feel like that?”
Eddie Diaz was sitting straighter now. Eyes going wide, chest moving rapidly, “What?”
“Does your partner…” Frank looked down at the ‘Buck’ scribbled on his notepad and then back up, “Does Buck make you feel like that?”
“I—“ Frank was glad there wasn’t immediate denial, “Why does that matter?”
“I think you know why it does,” Frank’s voice was quieter now, “You told me years ago you changed your will. Because you trusted him more than anyone else. Because he was safe.”
“But,” Eddie was about to start panicking and Frank needed to get him back on track.
“Breath Eddie,” Frank smiled softly at the man in front of him. Frank could basically see the Catholic guilt and shame rising.
“Oh god,” Eddie started to grab his keys. Frank just stared at him until he dropped them back on the coffee table.
“When you told me you thought you were homophobic, I was very insistent you were not,” Frank took a breath, “Want to know why I was very confident in that? It’s because the only person you seemed to hate was Tommy. Not because he was gay. But because he’s Buck’s.”
“He’s not Buck’s,” Eddie didn’t even seem to realize how automatic his response was until he saw Frank’s raised eyebrows. Eddie blinked rapidly.
“I know,” Frank set down his notepad and rolled closer to Eddie.
“I can’t…” Eddie’s eyes were avoiding Frank’s, “I’m not…”
“It’s okay Eddie,” Frank once again wished he could hug the man but that would be too much, “You are not broken. But just maybe you were forcing something because that’s what was expected. What was supposed to be. But it’s okay if that’s not what you want. What you need.”
“I can’t be,” But the protest sounded much less convincing, “I don’t want my whole life to change.”
“Be brave Eddie,” Frank needed him to say it. To admit it. Otherwise it would be back to square one, “Love doesn’t mean your life has to change, but maybe it will. And maybe it’ll be everything.”
“Love,” Eddie’s hands were shaking, “I love him don’t I?”
“I think you know the answer to that one,” Frank could cry, “but as an objective party... I see your face when you talk about him. When he texts. When you look at your screen background. Your eyes never lie to me Eddie, and they’ve been screaming your truth for longer than I think you would ever believe.”
“I love Buck,” Eddie whispered.
There it was. Years of therapy and self acceptance. Years of yearning without it being labeled that. The truth was out at last.
“You love Buck,” Frank knew he was grinning. He couldn’t help it, even if it was unprofessional.
“Am I gay?” Eddie’s voice was shaky again.
“I can’t tell you that,” Frank told him kindly, even though he wished he could scream yes loud enough for the sandwich shop a block away to hear it.
“Oh god,” Eddie had blown past panic and was now in full body paralysis, “Oh god.”
“Eddie,” Frank was attempting to go for comforting.
“I’m gay,” Eddie was standing up, “And I need to go.”
“I don’t think…” but before Frank could even finish attempting to stop him, Eddie Diaz was gone.
Two weeks later, Frank found himself anxiously awaiting Eddie Diaz’s arrival to his office. He hoped, hell he actually prayed, Eddie Diaz hadn’t talked himself back into the closet.
But the second Eddie Diaz walked in, Frank knew at last Eddie Diaz was experiencing freedom.
Love.
(“He loves me.”)