Chapter Text
“Nicky love, you didn’t need to make this many snacks,” Sarah Nelson teases her youngest son. He might be thirty-one, but he’s still her baby boy, and she can see how nervous he is for her to witness this momentous occasion. This year, he’d been invited to be a contestant on the holiday episode of The Great British Bake Off, and they are having a small watch party as it airs. Nick is close friends with all of the contestants, so they’re all coming over to watch it as a group. Sarah can’t believe he’s kept all details of the episode a secret from her — he’s never been able to keep anything from her before!
Less than thirty minutes later, Sarah, Nick, and all of Nick’s friends are sitting around the living room, along with some of their parents and partners. Sarah isn’t quite sure how all of these people have fit in her home, but thank goodness Nick was able to have extra chairs brought in. The music starts up, and Darcy loudly shushes everyone. “It’s coming on, hush!”
Sarah watches as Noel Fielding walks onto the screen, looking as delightfully eccentric as ever; he’s joined by a tall, lanky man with dark brown curls and bright blue eyes; as he smiles, Sarah clocks deep dimples in both his cheeks. Her eyes instantly flick over to Nick, wondering how he kept this a secret.
“Hello, Charlie. Happy Christmas!”
Charlie giggles out, “Happy Christmas, Noel.”
“Now Charlie, something about you that not everybody knows is that you play the drums. Is that right?”
Charlie looks at Noel sceptically, as if he’s not sure where the man is going with this. “Yes…”
Noel claps his hands. “Great! So tell me, if you are so into music, you might know the answer to this. What do you think the Grinch’s least favourite band is?”
It’s obvious Charlie is fighting back a smile as he asks, “I don’t know, but I’ll bet you’re going to tell me.”
“It’s The Who!” Noel exclaims, making Charlie try — and fail — to hold back a giggle as Noel shouts to the camera, “Welcome to The Great Christmas Bake Off!”
Amidst scenes of the famous tent, Noel’s voice tells the audience, “This year, we wanted to do something a little bit different. Our celebrity guest host, Charlie Spring, became quite famous for his hit holiday romance two years ago called ‘Happy Holigays’, an adorable meet-cute at a Christmas market. When he was asked why he wrote it, he said that he wanted to write something that was basically the gay equivalent of one of those cheesy holiday rom-coms.”
The camera focuses on Charlie who shrugs. “I mean, straight people get a dozen every year, leaving hardly any for the rest of us.”
Noel chuckles and says, “When he was approached about being a guest host for our little program, he suggested we choose queer contestants. One thing led to another, which is how we got this rag tag team that we have before you today!”
Charlie smiles, showing off his dimples for the camera, not noticing that one of the contestants has been staring at him the entire time. “Joining us this Christmas are a group of friends that many of you will recognise, who are all famous in their own right.”
Sarah squeezes Nick’s hand as she hears Noel’s voiceover introduce her youngest son and all of the kids she’s had the pleasure of thinking of as her de facto children for so many years by this point.
“Nick Nelson became a household name when he played premiership rugby. Ever since retiring from the sport, he’s lived a quiet life, and now spends his days teaching primary school children.”
Nick hides his face as his own voice narrates the scene of him walking over to his station, feeling mortified to see that he did actually trip over his own two feet like he thought he did. “Sometimes I miss playing, but getting to teach children… They really are just little people, you know? They have thoughts and feelings and really big emotions, and I like to think that I can be a safe and welcoming place for them as they navigate figuring out who they are as a person.”
Noel’s voice explains to the viewers that Nick publicly came out as bisexual during his first year at his rugby club, but that he’d been out to his friends and family since he was seventeen.
Sarah smiles as her son’s freckled face fills the screen. “I had no plans to hide who I was. Being bisexual is a part of who I am as a person, and I’m grateful that my team was so supportive, as were the fans.”
Sarah hugs her son close as Noel’s voice introduces Tara, supplying the young woman’s story as she walks over to her own bench. “Tara Jones, one of the most recognisable ballerinas in England, has known Nick since they were thirteen.”
Tara’s beautiful face fills the screen, prompting a whistle from Darcy. “He was my first kiss, actually. And then I figured out that I didn’t really like kissing boys.”
Sarah’s starts cackling with laughter as Darcy leaps into the frame. “She had to kiss me six times before she figured out she was a lesbian!”
Tara rolls her eyes, both on camera and in Sarah's living room. “It was twice,” Tara insists, but Noel just side-eyes her.
As Noel mentions that Darcy’s pronouns are they/them, and that they’ve dated Tara since they were in Year 10, marrying each other seven years ago, Sarah watches Darcy bounce over to their station. When the camera focuses on Darcy, they quip, “Nick kind of became like a brother to me. My parents were pretty crap, and if it wasn’t for Tara’s parents, my gran, and Nick’s mum, I don’t really know where I’d be. Gosh, if I hadn’t changed my last name to Jones, I probably would’ve changed it to Nelson!”
Sarah looks over at Darcy, catching the bubbly blonde smiling warmly at her. They have a moment as Charlie’s voice shares that Darcy is pretty well known in certain circles. Darcy went viral a few years back for their skateboarding videos on TikTok; never having been one for the normal 9-5 daily grind, Darcy was able to capitalise on their fifteen minutes of fame and now runs a Youth Community Center.
As if Sarah’s emotions weren’t already running high, Darcy appears on camera with Charlie telling him, “We’re working on raising money to set up a shelter, so that kids who get kicked out of their homes have a place to go.”
It’s obvious that Charlie gets emotional at this; his eyes sparkle and his voice catches as he says, “That’s amazing. I can’t imagine. Things were tricky for a while for me after I got outed, and the bullying I dealt with at an all-boys school was horrific, but my parents always accepted my sexuality.”
On screen, Darcy claps Charlie on the shoulder, which clearly scares the man. “We all have some kind of trauma from growing up queer, don’t we?”
“Yeah,” Charlie says softly, “but at least now we can try to make it better for those that are following in our footsteps.”
“You know, you’re alright, my guy!”
Sarah could swear that as the camera pans away, she can hear Darcy whisper, “So, have you met Nick?” When she looks over at her youngest though, he is looking everywhere but at her. Interesting.
Yet another bubbly blonde bounces across the screen as Charlie’s voice introduces the audience to Imogen Heaney. “Imogen met Nick in primary school. The actress, who has found worldwide fame in the last few years, also discovered that she was a lesbian after dating Nick.” Sarah laughs as Imogen and Charlie’s faces fill the screen, both sets of bright blue eyes gleaming. “Is he that bad of a kisser?” Charlie teases. Sarah tries not to chuckle as she hears Nick squawk beside her.
Imogen throws her head back and laughs, both in person and on the telly. “No, I just kind of realised that I only dated him because I thought I was supposed to? And honestly, he’s great. I mean, if you aren’t gonna want to be with someone like Nick, it’s kind of a clue that you may not be into guys at all.” Imogen’s eyes twinkle even more, somehow, as she delivers her next line with a wink at the curly-haired co-host. “He’s quite a catch.” Charlie’s blue eyes widen before the camera pans away at just the perfect moment.
Now it’s time for the audience to meet Elle. Noel’s voice narrates her story as she practically glides over to her work area, looking as chic and graceful as ever. “Elle Argent met Tara and Darcy at their all-girls school in Year 11, and they’ve been close friends ever since. The pair, along with Nick and our other contestants, all got to watch her become Instagram famous for her fabulous paintings, and have watched on with pride as she shines at one gallery show after another.”
Elle’s gorgeous face fills the screen. “I feel really lucky to have found such amazing friends. I’ve been lucky all around, actually. I was quite young when I told my parents who I really am, and they found a doctor who helped me transition to be my authentic self before my gender dysphoria got to be unbearable. I met Tara and Darcy shortly after moving from the boys school to the girls school, and the rest is history.”
Finally, Paul and Prue walk onto the screen; Prue with her brightly-coloured glasses and festive jumper, and Paul with his silver white hair and dazzling blue eyes. “There sure are a lot of pretty blue eyes on screen, Nicky,” Sarah teases her son, knowing full well they are one of his biggest weaknesses. It sounds like Nick chokes on the tea he’d been drinking as the judges and the hosts chat on screen, setting the scene for the first challenge.
“For your Signature Challenge,” Prue says, “you will be making a cinnamon bun.”
“Whether you call them a cinnamon roll or a cinnamon bun, you will be making twelve identical yeasted rolls with some kind of filling swirled up inside.”
“You can use any flavours you wish,” Prue adds, “but please make them delicious.”
“You will have three hours,” Noel explains, “which Paul tells me is enough time to make your dough, proof it, and bake it. Looks like you’ll have to prove him right.”
A sound effect of crickets plays alongside Paul and Charlie side-eying Noel; while Paul doesn’t crack, Charlie busts out laughing, covering his mouth with his long, slender fingers. Oh, how did her Nicky survive those dimples? She’s surprised she didn’t hear about this Charlie before now.
Charlie starts the contestants off with, “Ready, set,” with Noel shouting, "bake!” Sarah sits back and watches as the young adults surrounding her get to work on her telly. Most of the Signature is honestly a blur, with Darcy saying how they want to put bacon in theirs, Tara using a nummy sounding orange and fig spread in hers, Imogen is leaning in a festive direction with a cranberry ginger filling, and Elle has gone for rose-flavoured apples. What Sarah focuses on the most is when Charlie and Noel walk over to Nick’s station, and suddenly, her son has butter fingers and can barely speak without stuttering.
“Tell us about your choice of flavour,” Charlie requests as he steps up beside Nick, looking over his shoulder.
Nick’s face is bright red as he says, “I-I’m using a mixture of s-spices that are reminiscent of chai tea, and then I’m steeping some tea bags in my warm m-milk over there.” Nick gestures towards the stove, smacking Charlie in the process. “Oh my God! I’m so sorry.”
Charlie recovers quickly, and waves off Nick’s apology. “No worries. If I have a black eye tomorrow though, one of your friends here better be able to help me cover it.”
“I’m good at covering bruises!” Darcy shouts at them, clearly revealing that they’ve been eavesdropping on the interaction from their place behind Nick the entire time. Darcy isn’t exaggerating though; Nick has seen them manage to cover some gnarly bruises that they’ve ended up with from skateboarding.
“Right, well, let’s get Charlie away from you before you make us need to book a new host, shall we?” Noel teases with a wink as he leads Charlie away from Nick’s station.
“Charlie is no stranger to the tent,” Noel explains with his hands on his hips, facing the camera. “Last year, he joined us for our ‘Stand Up To Cancer’ special, where he showed off his adorable little penguin biscuits and his spot-on Playbill cake.”
Charlie’s voice narrates a scene from when he was on the show last year. “I still think this is what my abuelo is most proud of me for. Not my book, but when he got to tell all of his friends that I was going to be on Bake Off.”
Sarah laughs as Noel jokes to Charlie that ever since he was on the show, Noel’s been saying “bare bum” instead of bourbon almost constantly, which just makes Charlie turn red and shake his head, making his curls flop about his forehead.
“Yeah, you and everyone else I know.” Charlie smiles softly and adds, “I can’t believe I’m back here, all because of my silly little book,” Charlie admits sheepishly.
“Yes, but you did just come out with the sequel, did you not?”
Charlie blushes and nods. “Yes, yes I did.”
Noel looks at the camera and winks. “Such a silly book that got a sequel greenlit and published less than two years later. Modest and handsome? Tell me, I’m asking for a friend: are you single?”
The camera pans to Charlie, whose cheeks are bright red, before it shows Nick staring over at them, waiting to hear the response.
Sarah’s living room is filled with the noises of everyone tittering and snorting with laughter. “Oh my God!” Imogen cackles. “It’s just as bad as I thought!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nick mutters.
Sarah turns to her son, trying to keep her face expressionless — and failing. “Nicky darling, do you have something to tell me?”
Nick crosses his arms and huffs out, “Nope.”
All attention is swept back to the baking competition when Darcy groans loudly on screen. Nick turns around and asks them, “What’s wrong, Darce?”
Darcy’s eyes are wider than Sarah had ever seen them as they exclaim, “I forgot to turn the oven on!”
Nick’s jaw drops as Tara is shown covering her mouth and laughing at her spouse. “Oh no,” Nick whispers.
Needless to say, Darcy’s morning buns are not ready in time. When Paul cuts into them, he practically glares at Darcy. “I know,” they whine. “They’re dreadful.”
“You had a bit of trouble with the oven, I heard?” Prue asks as she tries to find some edible bits in the mass of uncooked dough.
“I forgot to turn it on,” Darcy murmurs as they avoid the judges’ eyes.
“Sorry, but we can’t eat that. It’s all raw dough, which could make us ill,” Paul explains.
“I’m sorry,” Darcy says sheepishly, looking more mortified than Sarah has ever seen them.
Everyone else seems to fare okay with the challenge. Elle used too much rosewater, and Imogen didn’t use enough sugar in her filling, so the tartness of the cranberries overpowered everything. But Tara’s orange and fig morning buns are a hit, and when Paul tries Nick’s chai tea cinnamon roll, he gets a famous ‘Hollywood handshake’, much to Sarah’s delight.
“Oh, baby! That’s so great!” Sarah gushes as she hugs her son close, watching him turn bright red and speechless on screen.
As Noel and Charlie start to introduce the Technical, Sarah gets nervous - until she hears what it is. “Paul and Prue would like you to make a dozen, identical macarons.”
Gasps are heard throughout the tent, and Noel has to almost shout to add, “The shells should be vanilla bean flavoured, and coloured to look like candy canes.”
“The filling should be a peppermint Swiss meringue buttercream,” Charlie finishes.
“Any words of wisdom for our bakers?” Noel asks the judges.
“Follow the recipe,” Prue deadpans. To answer the nervous laughter, she adds, “We’ve actually included the entire recipe, for once.”
“The steps to make perfect macarons and decent buttercream are difficult enough for beginner bakers, so in a way, we’re not going easy on you,” Paul says gleefully.
“Okay then, off you pop!” Charlie quips as he and Noel wave goodbye to Paul and Prue, who disappear to film the scene where they discuss why they’ve chosen this challenge.
“If they’ve never made them before, it will be tricky, even with the recipe,” Paul says as he places a gorgeous red and white macaron on a tiny little plate, grabbing it from a large platter of them.
“Exactly. For all we know, none of them have even made meringue before,” Prue says as she grabs her own macaron to bite into. “And we’re making them prepare it twice!” Both she and Paul bite into their cookies at the same time.
“Mmmm,” Paul moans, “just the right hint of peppermint in that.”
“It’s so easy to mess that up,” Prue says. “I guarantee at least one of them will serve us toothpaste.”
Sarah watches with pride as everyone freaks out over the recipe except for Nick. Charlie comes over to him and comments on how calm he seems. “Have you made these before?” Charlie asks as Noel stands nearby. Sarah gets the sense that the host is also picking up on whatever is happening with Charlie and Nick.
Nick nods as he looks over the recipe. Moving to start measuring ingredients out, he explains, “My dad is French, so I grew up getting to have all kinds of pastries in Paris when I would visit him during summers. There weren’t many places where you could get macarons in England, so I taught myself how to make them.”
“This isn’t fair!” Darcy wails from behind Nick. “You make these all the time!”
Charlie raises his eyebrows. “A retired athlete who is a schoolteacher and bakes? My my my. Careful, I might have to base a character on you in my next book.”
Nick looks at Charlie with doe eyes. “O-okay.”
Noel looks into the camera smirking, and then says to the two men, startling them in the process, “So, Nick. Do you speak French, then?”
“Oui,” Nick retorts with a smile.
Noel brushes him off with, “C’mon, anyone can say that! What about you, Charlie? Do you speak French?”
Charlie shakes his head. “No. I could barely learn Spanish, much to my dad and abuelo’s dismay.”
Somewhere off camera, Sarah can hear Elle shout, “Nick, say something to Charlie in French!”
Nick’s face turns bright red — somehow, it wasn’t all the way there yet — and Charlie narrows his eyes over at Elle before whipping his attention back to Nick, just in time for him to say, "Vous êtes la plus jolie personne que j’aie jamais vue. Je m’en fiche si je gagne ça, je veux juste aller à un rendez-vous avec toi.”
“U-um, what did you say?” Charlie asks, sounding flustered.
“Yes, what did you say, Nick?” Noel presses.
“Nothing,” Nick murmurs as he goes back to focusing on his recipe, avoiding looking at Charlie or Noel.
Sarah claps her hands in glee; this is too good. She has no idea what happens in this competition, or who wins, but she really hopes that by the end of this episode, Nick will tell her that he does, in fact, have a date with Charlie.