To Change This Life (to Chase This Light)

by thegirlofthorns

Summary:

“It seems that our love did not only overcome the powers of Hell, but also has brought us to a sort of Heaven,” James said. “Perhaps there has never been a stronger force.” And then, with an immediate jolt of realization, James spoke far louder. “Angel. You’re pregnant, Daisy.”
“With a little girl.” She shrugged as a tear of joy ran down James’s cheek. “Or so Jem tells me.”
And, with that, James could not take it anymore. He let his fork clatter to his plate, splattering beef sauce and mashed potato across the table as he ran to Cordelia. He swept her up in his arms, and she allowed herself to be swept with a small ‘oh’ noise and a laugh, and he lifted her from her feet. “James, James-“
-
Or, the one where James and Cordelia have a very special secret.

Notes:

HI! I was holding onto this fic until all the chapters were done, but I unfortunately only have about 5 of them completed. I decided to post it now because
1) I miss Herondaisy,
2) I feel that we are in a Supreme Herondaisy Drought,
3) I'm spite-uploading because Herondaisy came last in a 'best TSC main ship' survey when they DESERVED the #1 spot, and
4) Why not upload it?
As such, this fic is going to update sporadically. Please don't expect a consistent upload schedule!
This fic has 9 chapters, each covering a month of the pregnancy. The 10th is an epilogue.
The title is taken from You Were Born by Cloud Cult.
Enjoy!

Chapter 1: September

September 1910

The house looked the same as ever when James walked into it, though it would never look that way in his eyes again. But he did not know that yet as he kicked off his shoes, shrugged off his overcoat, and ran a hand through his windswept hair. The autumn air was crisp, and his cheeks felt warm as he moved inside, but that was alright – he was simply glad to be back, to make his way toward his beautiful wife.

She was undoubtedly curled up on the couch in the parlor, he thought dimly, holding some new book that she would quip about with James. He would kiss her and sidle up beside her, and they would read aloud together until their bellies ached with laughter and their smiles were brighter than he would once have been able to imagine.

Or perhaps not. Because a smell was wafting through the kitchen doors as he passed, and he could hear Cordelia humming behind the wall.

“Daisy?” His voice was soft as he made his way into the hot space. Cordelia’s red hair was blazing as she peered into the range, but when she turned to him, her eyes were only alight with sunshine-laced joy.

“James,” she said. “I did not expect you back so soon.”

James raised an eyebrow. “I at least hope that I’m a pleasant surprise.”

Cordelia giggled. “You are,” she said. “Though I rather did have plans to serve up dinner for you as soon as you walked through the door, and you’ve stuck a wrench in my scheme.”

“Unfortunate, that.” James clicked his tongue. He sidled up to Cordelia and sat down beside her on the floor, kissing her temple as he did so. She turned to smile at him as he continued. “Well, I suppose that as I have unwittingly derailed your idea, you ought to just tell me what’s going on now.”

Cordelia glared. “I will as soon as your Shepard’s pie is ready, James.”

“Effie does the cooking; this is a clear deviation from the norm. Is it some special occasion or something?” James narrowed his eyes. “Did Alastair finally come and take that horrid fountain that your mother removed from Cirenworth? Is that what we’re celebrating?”

“I still cannot believe that she dumped that on us,” Cordelia laughed. “And no, it’s still in the storage room. Besides, can I not just make dinner for my wonderful husband? Must there be some sort of special occasion for me to dote on you?” She leaned her head against his shoulder.

“I suppose I dote on you often enough,” James said grudgingly.

“Yes, and turnabout is in fact fair play.”

“Well, you have me there, I suppose. Do you want any assistance?”

“There’s no assistance needed.” Cordelia waved a hand. “It’s nearly done anyway. You had decent timing, even if it was not completely perfect. I have yet to set the table and cover it in wooden spoons to scandalize you.”

“While I am not going to entertain your spoon nonsense,” James grinned, “I will set the table.” Cordelia shot him a look as though telling him that he was not allowed to do so, but he shook his head. “You can’t talk me out of this, Daisy. You did everything else. And besides, we can eat sooner if I do, and playing with Oscar all day has made me rather hungry.”

“I suppose I cannot argue with that logic,” Cordelia sighed, but a smile played on her lips. “Alright, then. Just do not break the china this time.”

“I won’t,” James laughed, standing up and kissing the top of his wife’s head. “Though you do need to stop holding that against me. It was years ago.”

-

“So,” Cordelia said as James ate across from her. “You asked me what the occasion was.”

“I did,” James agreed. “Several times. Seeing as you cooked my favorite meal, a meal that you once called ‘as bland as unsalted rice,’ I think it’s a rather reasonable question.”

“Alright.” Cordelia’s face was slightly flushed, as though she were anxious about something. But what might it be? What could it be, when there had been nothing but comfort between them for the past six years?  “Well. Today I went to see cousin Jem,” she said. “Do not tell your father. He will be quite put out that I did not bring him along, but it was… rather a personal endeavor, I think.”

“My lips are sealed.”

“And yet,” Cordelia sighed, “you are very much talking with your mouth full. Do listen instead?”

James rolled his eyes good naturedly.

“Alright,” Cordelia said, “where was I? Oh, yes. Alright. So… there’s no romantic or tactful way to lead up to this, as he spent a long time with his hands on my stomach and made some odd Silent-Brotherish mental sounds that I do not care to emulate. He told me that… that I am with child.”

James felt his eyes widen, and a small pressure moved against the backs of his eyelids. I am with child.

“We are to have a family, James,” she said, a vulnerable smile on her lips.

And his mind was blank.

A family. He and Cordelia were going to have a family. A child, to raise together, to love together as much as they loved each other. To let them undergo the joys of parenthood together, to let raise in the ways of adventure and independence. To –

“James. Please say something,” Cordelia said. “Are you… are you pleased?”

“Pleased?” James spoke before he could think. “Pleased is not the word for it. I am pleased with the dinner; I was pleased when you kissed me awake this morning. I am… I am obscenely happy. Daisy… you… I…” He trailed off. There were no words. None. “I’m going to be a father,” he said, as though it were a foreign concept that he had never heard of. The word father had an odd texture to him, but a pleasant one, smooth and beautiful and right. “You are going to … to give me a child.”

Cordelia smiled then, even more brightly than usual, and when James met her eye he saw tears pooling there. “Yes,” she said. “We have created a new person with the power of our love.”

“It seems that our love did not only overcome the powers of Hell, but also has brought us to a sort of Heaven,” James said. “Perhaps there has never been a stronger force.” And then, with an immediate jolt of realization, James spoke far louder. “Angel. You’re pregnant, Daisy.”

“With a little girl.” She shrugged as a tear of joy ran down James’s cheek. “Or so Jem tells me.”

And, with that, James could not take it anymore. He let his fork clatter to his plate, splattering beef sauce and mashed potato across the table as he ran to Cordelia. He swept her up in his arms, and she allowed herself to be swept with a small ‘oh’ noise and a laugh, and he lifted her from her feet. “James, James-“

Her voice was a laugh, and James laughed too as he spun her around once. Both of them had the happiest possible tears in their eyes, and James did not think he had known true happiness until that moment. He set his Daisy down and spun her once more as though dancing, and she was laughing, and he pulled her in close and kissed her hard on the mouth. “By the Angel,” he said as he pulled away. “By the…” He laughed. “Did he happen to say how far along you were? I assume that it’s fairly new, as you have not yet grown larger.”

“It’s ungentlemanly to comment on a lady’s size.” Cordelia swatted his arm playfully. “He said about one month. It is appropriate to wait until the third to tell anyone, by the way,” she said more sternly. “For now, this is to be our secret.”

“I would not wish it any other way,” James said honestly. It would be nice to have a secret with his wife, and one so joyful; and when they finally told their loved ones, there would be even more joys to speak of. “I do hope you know that I now have leave to care for you as much as I wish,” James said. “I’m not so daft or suicidal as to suggest that you remain abed, but I will be providing you with all of the attention I can muster. And I will not apologize for those attentions.”

“Of course not,” Cordelia laughed.

-

Later that night, when James and Cordelia lay in the place between sleep and awake, they turned to each other. They usually slept with their hands clasped between them, faces to the ceiling, but tonight they were facing each other in a gentle embrace. “Daisy?”

“Mmm.” Cordelia’s voice was heavy with the beginnings of sleep. “I must inform you that you ought to let your wife rest during a pregnancy. Whenever she wishes.”

James grinned against her red hair as he gathered her close. “I just wished to say thank you,” he said softly.

“For the Shepard’s pie? It truly wasn’t that challenging to make.”

“No,” James laughed. “For giving me – for giving us – a family.”

They slept soundly that night, their heartbeats in synch as their breaths evened out.

Chapter 2: October

Summary:

IN WHICH James and Cordelia choose books to read aloud to their daughter after she is born.

October 1910

Two months into her pregnancy, Cordelia was still feeling completely normal. As was to be expected, perhaps – she had gotten a copy of Every Woman’s Encyclopaedia at Hatchard’s, and it said that she was unlikely to feel the baby moving until at least the fourth month.

Then again, the book had also seemed overly concerned with her wearing a ‘pretty maternity dress and princess robe’ at home and informed her of the perils of garters. It also told her simultaneously to avoid undue excitement and resume household work per normal. She was not fully certain of its aims.

But when she and James had purchased it at Hatchard’s, they had discussed something else, too.

“I do not think I could bear it if our daughter were not at least moderately bookish,” James had said. “If she were unable to abandon herself to the joys of a good book, I would find myself feeling rather sorry for her. Which I do not want.”

“I cannot see any daughter of ours failing to love reading,” Cordelia argued.

“Nor can I, which is why I feel the need to read aloud to her as she grows.” He paused. “Come and pick out some suitably cheerful books with me, Daisy. Perhaps children’s books, but also perhaps romantic tales with happy endings.”

“Children’s books should do nicely,” Cordelia said. “I wouldn’t wish to scandalize her before she is even born.”

“I would skip the racy bits,” James argued, but followed Cordelia with a small smile to the children’s section. They reached the shelves, and Cordelia opened Every Woman’s Encyclopaedia to a random page while James browsed. Try to cultivate pure, placid thoughts, it instructed, remembering that “of all created things, the loveliest and most divine are children.

Cordelia couldn’t help it – she burst out laughing. “Apparently I am meant to be placid,” she said. “Do you think I can be placid, James?

“I think that is antithetical to your nature,” James said. “And to do that would perhaps harm the baby more than help it, as it would take undue effort from you. What of the Oz books?” He plucked The Road to Oz from the shelf. “We could get all of them. Perhaps it would be good for her, to hear a story with continuity stemming across multiple tomes.”

“I’m not certain that she’s old enough to appreciate narrative continuity.”

“Well, we may as well try.” James slipped both The Wizard of Oz and The Road to Oz underneath his arm. “What of Alice in Wonderland? My mother may not have liked it, but I have always appreciated its madness.”

“Well, as I am intended to avoid undue excitement, Jabberwocky is perhaps not an appropriate tale.”

“I suppose not,” James agreed. “Perhaps when she’s a bit older. What of The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies?”

“Sounds quite unexciting,” Cordelia agreed, and James smiled. “And we could get her a plush rabbit to go along with it. A familiar friend, for after she is born. Like my own stuffed cat.”

“I adore that idea,” James agreed.

“What of The Lilac Fairy Book?” Cordelia asked with a laugh. “I’m not sure I wish for her to immediately learn of the Fair Folk’s tricksy ways.”

“I’m not sure I ever want her to.” James grinned. The Getting of Wisdom sounds far more suitable.”

“I do wish for her to be wise,” Cordelia said. “Though also whimsical. The Hollow Tree Snowed-In Book sounds as though it will accomplish the latter. We can read both at once to her. A sort of double-feature. They’re certainly short enough.”

“You just wish to hear my voice longer,” James argued.

“And what if that’s true?”

“Daisy, you do not need to trick me into droning on at you or our child,” James laughed. “If you did, I would suggest The Lilac Fairy Book as reading for your personal needs.”

“Or Rewards and Fairies,” Cordelia said, plucking the book off the shelf and whacking her husband’s shoulder with it lightly.

“Put that horrible thing away,” James laughed.

“Why should I?” Cordelia tapped his arm with the book again. “I know that you will not whack me back, as I am carrying our daughter and must be treated with, according to this book, the utmost tenderness.”

James sighed. “I suppose I cannot argue with that.”

-

That had been two days ago, now. And, like last night, James curled up onto the chesterfield beside Cordelia that night, slinging his arm around her while she rested her head against his chest.

“When Dorothy stood in the doorway and looked around, she could see nothing but the great gray prairie on every side,” James said in an even singsong. “Not a tree nor a house broke the broad sweep of flat country that reached the edge of the sky in all directions.”

As he continued, Cordelia let herself relax. She closed her eyes, feeling the vibrations in her husband’s chest as he read in that deep, beautiful voice of his. “Once the house had been painted, but the sun blistered the paint and the rains washed it away, and now the house was as dull and gray as everything else.” He paused. “Dull and gray ought to be good for your attempts at placidity,” he whispered into her ear, and she snorted a laugh.

“I am also meant to get lots of sunlight, though,” she said. “And Dorothy is decidedly not getting that.”

James found that he had to concede the point. Cordelia closed her eyes again as he continued reading, speaking, and she realized: this would likely be good for her health as well. She was having a baby; her daily life, her very self, would be changing a lot in the coming months. Even if it was temporary, even if it was to bring the greatest joy, there was still much to get through.

James’s voice would make it easier. Not only for their daughter’s transition to the world, but for her transition to motherhood.

“Banks of gorgeous flowers were on every hand, and birds with rare and brilliant plumage sang and fluttered in the trees and bushes. A little way off was a small brook, rushing and sparkling along between green banks, and murmuring in a voice very grateful to a little girl who had lived so long on the dry, gray prairies…”

Yes, Cordelia thought.

The future was bright indeed, as bright as those flowers and birds could imagine.

Notes:

A resource I used when writing this chapter: https://teainateacup.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/pregnancy-in-1910/