A Glimpse of Us

by Giant_raccoon

Summary:

Set after the earthquake

There were so many things left unsaid and Neil wondered if he should have told her how he felt about her. Maybe it could have changed something, maybe things would be different between them now

Chapter 1: Once she came back

I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
And I'll use you as a focal point
So I don't lose sight of what I want
And I've moved further than I thought I could
But I missed you more than I thought I would
And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me

 

---

 

The day gave way to the evening and a warm, orange light shone through the large windows of the office.

Dr. Melendez signed the last files of the day and sighed.

It had been a few stressful weeks, but he was torn about whether he would miss his new role as the Chief of Surgery or not. It had always been his goal to be in this position one day, but the circumstances that had led to it left a sour taste in his mouth.

 

Dr. Lim had traveled to Guatemala with Dr. Glassman and the apprentices to help a small local community as part of a surgical mission. Such trips were organized by the hospital every time the residents were about to complete their apprenticeship. It was to raise awareness and to use all the knowledge they had learned to help patients, even in extreme situations.

Neil remembered their trip to South Africa, where they had spent several weeks. To this day, these were the most memorable experiences he had had in his medical career. He was all the more excited to support his people in Guatemala and to see how they would handle the situation. He had high expectations of his team, each and every one of them had the requirements to become a brilliant surgeon.

But things turned out differently than expected and Audrey had more or less forced Neil to stay in San José.

‘So that the hospital continues to be in the best possible position,’ she had said.

‘Don’t look at me like that, you’ve always wanted my job, now you have your way.’

Neil remembered that he had just laughed bitterly at these words. He knew that this wasn’t the reason he had to stay at home. It was more because of the injuries he had sustained during the earthquake. Although he appreciated that Lim was worried about him, he still couldn't shake the feeling that she was once again overriding him and making a decision that wasn't hers to make.

 

The earthquake had already happened several weeks ago and the only souvenir Neil had of it was the barely visible wound on his stomach. Admittedly, things had looked bad for him at times during his stay in the hospital, but in the end it had looked worse than it had been and now he was just frustrated that his friends and colleagues were treating him so cautiously. Many people had been seriously injured or even killed in this disaster, but his injuries had healed relatively quickly. How could‘nt they , when the entire hospital staff was watching over him with eagle eyes?

Neil hoped that his performance over the last few weeks would prove to his colleagues that he was back to his old self and that the cautious glances would finally stop.

 

Neil closed the files in front of him and took a final sip from his cup to empty the coffee in it. His gaze wandered over the pile of documents that lay in front of him. He was proud to have been responsible for the hospital for the past few weeks, but a small part of him was glad that his colleagues' plane would be landing that evening.

He would be reluctant to hand his job back to Audrey, but he admitted that his time in the OR had suffered greatly from his new role. Although everything had gone smoothly, he had had to work with people he didn't normally see. Neil couldn't wait to be back in the operating room in his old formation.

His social life had also suffered from this trip. He didn't have many friends in this city and all of them had been almost 600 miles away from him.

A week ago he had met up with a college friend who had been on a business trip at the time and had made a detour to visit Neil.

He had been very grateful for the evening they had spent together, because even though work had distracted him well, he had still been pretty alone in the meantime.

Audrey had tried to call as often as possible to keep him updated, but that had also been difficult. There had hardly been any moments when both of them had time at the same time, and when there had been, the network on Audrey's side had usually been so bad that they had ended the call after just a few minutes.

 

"Dr. Melendez?"

Neil, who was already putting on his jacket, looked towards the door and met the eyes of the slightly stressed-looking Dr. Chase.

Dr. Chase had hardly left his side in the last few weeks and had done everything possible to support him in his work. Neil almost felt guilty because Dr. Chase had been overlooked eversince he started working here. He had been good at his job, but not outstanding. When Neil had been in the OR with him, he had always been obedient and had not made any mistakes, but Neil still felt that he did not have the talent that Shaun or Claire had.

Audrey had already mentioned during an evening together in the bar that Dr. Chase was one oft he residents that would have liked to stay at St. Bonaventure after his training, but the internal decision had already been made against offering him a job.

 

"Yes, what can I do for you, Dr. Chase?"

The small, lanky man stepped towards him and waved his cell phone around.

 

"Dr. Lim just called me, she said her flight had already landed."

Although Neil was pleased that his colleagues were already back in town, he grimaced slightly at the thought that Audrey had not spoken to him, but to 'his lapdog', as she had called Dr. Chase during one of their phone calls.

 

"Well, that is very good news. Thank you for letting me know."

 

"No problem, um, you're very welcome."

He smiled shyly, then cleared his throat and held out his hand to Neil. Neil raised his eyebrow slightly and looked questioningly at Chase.

 

"I wanted to thank you. It was an extraordinary honor to work with you. You are a true inspiration to me.”

Neil hesitated for a moment, but then reached for the outstretched hand of his counterpart. He felt guilty because he knew that he had not given him anywhere near the attention that he had given his team from the beginning.

 

“It was a pleasure. I look forward to being in the OR with you again,” he said, and part of him meant it.

On the way out of his office, the two talked for a moment about the previous surgeries they had performed together in the last few weeks. As they walked down the hall, Neil reached for the cell phone in his pocket and waved Dr. Chase off, wishing him good night.

He dialed the familiar number and held the cell phone to his ear as he walked quickly down the stairs.

It took longer than expected for the woman’s voice to be heard on the other end of the line.

 

"Hey, Neil. What's up?"

 

"I've just been informed that the boss is back in the country."

Audrey laughed lightly, but exhaled heavily.

 

"How was the flight? Did you get through okay?"

 

"The flight wasn't the problem. One of those idiot flight attendants lost my damn suitcase and now I have to run around here and make sure that stupid thing turns up again."

 

"Well, I guess you're the boss, no matter where you go," he said, hoping to cheer her up a little.

The annoyed sigh on the other side of the line made him think that hadn't really worked.

 

Neil stepped out of the hospital door and grimaced as he walked through the large puddle that had collected on the floor over the afternoon. The sun, which had set less than an hour ago, had made him think that he could go for a quick run to end the evening. But lately he had hardly found the motivation to do so and the wet ground gave him the excuse he was looking for to postpone the run again.

 

"Hey, Neil. Was there something else? I'm really exhausted and I really need to take care of my suitcase."

 

"No, it's fine. I just wanted to ask if - "

 

"Park, stop! That's my suitcase!"

 

Neil rolled his eyes with a grin as he slipped the phone back into his pockets and made his way to his car. He wouldn't admit it, but he had missed Audrey almost the most. She was his person, or at least she used to be. For some time now he had felt that he couldn't talk to her about everything anymore. Not least of all, it was because she was now his boss, which most oft he time, ruled out medical topics, as her opinion was now always worth more than his and she unfortunately let him knew that far too often.

He also had the feeling that a barrier had been built between them on private topics since they had split up a while ago. Neil always had the feeling that, even if she would never admit it, she still had feelings for him. When she heard the rumor that he was having a thing with Claire, it seemed to have hurt her.

That was one of the reasons why he avoided talking to her about Claire. Which turned out to be quite difficult, as she had impressed him more and more, both professionally and privately and they also spent time together after work from time to time. Neil had even caught himself making up little white lies when Audrey had asked him who he had spent time with the previous evening and the answer had been Claire.

But since he felt it was unfair to both of them to lie, he eventually decided against it and told Audrey the truth. He always mentioned that she had been there as casually as possible. He also spent more time with Alex in private to prevent any rumors. Surprisingly, he got on quite well with him, they seemed to share quite a few values.

Before the trip to Guatemala, they had met up every now and then to watch a game together and Neil enjoyed having a friend who was just as interested in sports as he was. He also took Park with him  from time to time when he went running with Claire, because they seemed to like each other as well.

It made things with Claire much easier.

The things with Claire ...

 

Neil closed the door behind him and put his bag on the empty passenger seat of his car.

He sat in silence for a moment and closed his eyes. With a sigh, he pulled his cell phone out of his jacket pocket again and this time selected Claire's contact.

They were in almost no contact at all in the last few weeks while Claire had been away. It had felt strange because Claire had sneaked into his life unnoticed and had now taken a place that Neil could no longer imagine being without. They had been there for each other when they needed it and thus a bond had developed between them that was so new and yet so familiar.

But since the earthquake, something had changed between them. There had been this moment when no one had been sure whether Neil would survive his injuries or not. He didn't remember much from that night, but Claire had stayed in his mind. The worry in her eyes as soon as she had noticed that he had been injured. How she wanted to make sure he was okay before she even started taking care of the patients. He remembered her worried voice when he collapsed in front of her.

And he remembered that she had been almost all he could think of when he was conscious. He had thought about what he could say to make the fear disappear from her face, but there was nothing that could have changed the things they were going through.

When he had been told how bad his vitals looked after the surgery, he had been worried about how she would take the news.

And he had wondered how she would deal with it if he died too, like her mother had. If she could‘ve handled it and if she would have been happy again. She would have been, because she was strong now.

But what was burned into his brain were not those moments when they had feared for his life.

It was the moment when she had come into his hospital room after she had learned that his vitals had stabilized and that he was problably going to be fine.

She tried to cover it with a playful smile, but he saw that she must have been crying. Her eyes had been glassy and her nose slightly red, but her smile was warm and heartfelt, full of relief.

He could hear her exhale heavily, as if a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders and he could feel how much he meant to her.

They had started to make some stupid jokes that Neil couldn't even remember, but he remembered the warm feeling that had spread through him when she started laughing. She had grabbed his hand and held it tightly, as if she never wanted to let go.

There had been this tension between them, as if something was trying to break out of them that they had buried deep inside, afraid to face it. There was a brief moment of peace and perfection, followed by a moment of longing. Words unsaid that had begged to finally be said. Touches that finally wanted to become more than just little fantasies in the back of my mind.

But that moment had passed, like so many moments did before.

 

Neil had tried not to put too much meaning to the whole thing, but he knew that there were feelings involved that shouldn't have been there. It had become clear to him that he had these feelings for Claire and he was almost certain that she returned them. But the little doubt in his head had been louder until the end, preventing him from opening up to her completely and putting his cards on the table.

 

What if she didn't return the feelings?

What if it would destroy their friendship?

What if she felt harassed and then avoided him?

What if she felt the same and it still wouldn’t work out?

What if he realized that he had been fooling himself and the feelings weren't as real as he thought?

What if he hurt her?

 

What if it actually worked out?

 

It had been a weird timing for Claire to go away for a few weeks. It was as if the universe wanted to give him time to sort out his thoughts properly and finally turn the question marks into exclamation marks.

Nevertheless, she had taken a part of him with her, whether he wanted it or not. While his head had remained in San José, his heart had been in Guatemala.

Neil sighed as he stared at the bright screen in his hands. He had always waited for Claire to take a step towards him and get in touch. But she had rarely done that and the time she had been away had felt endless.

He decided to get in touch with her that evening, realizing how happy he had been that she was back.

 

I heard you are back in town. I'm glad you came back safely.

 

***

 

The next day had come quickly and even though he didn't want to admit it, Neil's self-confidence had been a little dented that he was no longer entering the hospital as the Chief of Surgery the next day.

Lim being the way she was, she went straight back to work as soon as she was back in the country. She had given the others a day off to recover from their long flight. But as she herself said, nothing could stop her from seeing what had been going on in the hospital while she had been away.

When Neil ran into Audrey in the cafeteria, she looked tired but somehow content. She had covered up her dark circles under her eyes with a little more makeup than usual and the double espresso in her hand would do the rest.

Neil reported on the work he had done in the last few weeks and Audrey seemed more impressed than he would have liked.

"You make a great substitute," she had said playfully and Neil had playfully rolled his eyes.

Since the two had split up due to their differences at work, they had been making jokes about it, with a little too much truth in them.

Neil didn't hold it against Audrey. After walking in her shoes for the last few weeks, he had to admit that she had been a perfect candidate for the job and that it seemed right to him that things had turned out this way.

Although it had changed Neil's professional perspective, it had given him more time to focus on his personal life. Audrey had long ago decided against having children and for her job, and Neil knew deep down that he could never have made such a radical decision. And if he had to make it, he would have chosen the family.

 

"So, what do you think? Shall we meet tonight and celebrate your return? There are so many stories you wanted to tell me.”

Audrey sighed as she leafed through the files while walking and at the same time trying to sip her coffee cup so that she didn’t spill it. Neil had trouble keeping up as her pace got faster and faster. It wasn’t until a moment later that he noticed that she was trying to catch the elevator. The door closed right in front of her nose and, annoyed, she pressed the button several times.

 

“Look, I know it sucks when you’re left out.” She said with a slight grin, but immediately the little stress lines formed on her forehead again.

“Let’s meet up in a day or two, I really have a lot to catch up on. I’ll let you know where and when, I know your shift schedule.”

She gave him an apologetic smile as she stepped into the elevator and immediately sank back into the files in her hand.

"It's fine, don't worry."

 

The door closed and Neil sighed. It might sound childish, but it actually hadn't felt good to be left out. He felt like he'd missed everything important around him. While work had kept him on his toes, now he felt like he wasn't that important again. Many of these thoughts had plagued him since the accident, and he questioned all of his decisions. His dream had always been to become a father, but that dream was getting further and further away. He hadn't thought about it much since his breakup with Jessica, because he had distracted himself with work, but in those few moments when he had thought that he might not survive his injuries, he hadn't thought about all of his successes in the OR, even though he had still been proud of it. He had thought about what he didn't have.

Neil looked at his watch on his wrist and frowned. Two hours until his next operation.

His day wasn't particularly packed, he just had to have a few preparatory meetings with the patients he would be operating on the next day. The thought of the next day didn't exactly make Neil any more motivated. Although the others on his team were on duty tomorrow, he was assigned Dr. Chase again. Whether that was just a weird joke from Audrey or whether it had a deeper meaning, Neil couldn't say for sure, but he was still disappointed that he wouldn't be working with Claire or at least Alex.

 

“Dr. Park?”

On his way to the next patient room, Neil met Alex, who was standing at the nurses’ station and was also busy browsing through files.

Neil raised his eyebrow.

 

“Oh, hey, Dr. Melendez, it’s been a while since we saw you.” he said with a grin and offered him a friendly handshake.

Neil shook hands and smiled. Park’s manners had always been a plus in Neil’s book. He looked closely at the man opposite him and realized that he was standing in front of him in his street clothes.

 

“What are you doing here? You still have one day off, just like the others. Are you allergic to a healthy work -life-balance?”

Alex grinned and waved the file around in his hand before shaking his head.

 

“No, it’s fine. I just want to prepare for my case tomorrow. I’m with Dr. Lim on this case and it kept me up all night, so ..."

Neil became suspicious and furrowed his eyebrows. He wondered if he had misjudged Dr. Park. Although he had gotten to know him better over the last few months and appreciated how hard he worked, coming to work on his day off to prepare for a patient was something Claire would do rather than him. It wasn’t a Park Thing to do.

Alex seemed to have noticed Neil's surprise and handed him the file.

When Neil read the name on the chart, even more questions formed in his head.

 

"Cooper Blade? The sixteen-year-old boy with PKTN?"

Neil and his team had already treated the boy several months ago, or at least tried to. His illness was so rare that even Shaun had taken several weeks to diagnose it. Unfortunately, there was currently no cure.

 

"Yes, Dr. Lim invited him to the hospital tomorrow because we wanted to talk to him again."

 

"Has his situation gotten worse?"

Alex nodded anxiously, but there was a slight gleam in his eyes.

 

"Yes, but when we were in Guatemala, we actually had a similar case. A woman, a few years older, but the disease was already much more advanced. Claire and I took care of her. One of the local doctors came up with the idea of ​​a V5 implant and there was actually a slight improvement after just a week. We thought it could work for Cooper too and -"

 

"Wow, Park, wait a minute. Cooper Blade was my patient and now you want to do what exactly? Put an implant in him for which there is absolutely no research and no evidence that it works? Did anyone want to discuss that with me?"

Park pulled the medical file back to him and shook his head.

 

"It's just an idea for now, we just want to talk to the family to see if they're interested, after all there's nothing else we can do for the boy."

 

"You know as well as I do that it's not that easy, we've been trying to help him for weeks. Don't you think you're overestimating yourself after your trip? It's completely irresponsible to come here and-"

Park raised his hands defensively.

"It's not like that and it wasn't my decision either, I just want to prepare myself as best as possible for what's coming."

 

"We can't just put him through an operation on a whim that we don't even have permission for. Do you want hope-"

"Actually..."

Alex shrugged.

"Dr. Lim has already obtained permission. We just need the parents' consent."

 

***

 

Neil hadn't gotten much sleep that night, his head was in chaos. He kept thinking about the Blades and how desperately they had tried to find a cure for the boy, how frustrating it had been to have to send the family home again.

Then he asked himself why he had been betrayed like that. Of course he didn't want to stand in his way, but it had still been his patient and now to decide over his head and send him to work with Dr. Chase, in the hope that he wouldn't notice …

He had been researching all night himself and hadn't found anything helpful about his illness or any information about how the V5 implant would help in his case.

 

Since he couldn't get any rest anyway, he came to work relatively early, hoping to talk to Audrey about the whole situation again, since she was, of course, no longer available for him yesterday and she had skillfully ignored all of his calls. As Neil walked through the hospital corridors, he played out every possible scenario of how the conversation with the Blades would go and what the consequences would be. His mood was already at an all-time low when he entered the resident lounge.

That immediately changed when he saw the young woman leaning over the large table in the middle of the room, studying the documents that were spread out there.

He could feel a small smile creeping onto his lips and warming his heart. Only now had he realized that his breath had caught when he saw her. He stopped for a moment and watched her as she seemed so engrossed in what was in front of her.

 

"Morning."

Claire turned around immediately and a big smile formed on her lips. The joy on her face was unmistakable and Neil's heart beat faster for a moment. He could see the light in her green eyes and for a brief moment it was as if he was getting lost in them.

 

"Hey, Neil, it's good to see you!"

Neil took another step towards her and noticed how hard it was for him not to hug her and he imagined that she felt the same way as her body twitched slightly in his direction. He considered whether he shouldn't just hug her, there was nothing wrong with that. Although they had never hugged before they left and in general there weren't many moments when they had allowed phsyical contact between them, they hadn't seen each other for quite a while and everyone knew by now that they were friends.

 

"You look really good, I'm glad," said Claire, ending the strange moment between them.

Neil put his briefcase down on a free chair next to her and grinned.

 

"Well, I always do."

He knew she was referring to his injuries. The last time they had seen each other, he had weighed a few pounds less due to his stay in the hospital, the inedible food, and the lack of exercise.

Claire laughed lightly and exhaled slightly.

 

"Oh, shut up."

Neil also smirked as his gaze fell on the documents Claire had been studying until a few seconds ago.

 

"So what's this about?"

Claire followed his gaze and her expression immediately became a little more focused.

 

"These are the Cooper Blade files and some research I did."

 

"So are you involved in this too?" Neil asked, regretting the accusatory tone that resonated in the question.

Claire looked up and met his gaze. Her eyebrows furrowed and for a brief moment she considered how to answer, but then she shrugged.

 

"Well, it was my idea, so..." Of course it was.

Neil sighed for a moment and swallowed the words that were already on his tongue, deciding to take a closer look at the documents in front of him instead He was reluctant to take out his frustration on her when she was so convinced of this. In fact, he had only had a problem with Audrey, who had passed him over, not with Claire.

Claire stared at him and watched his every move. She couldn't make sense of his expression and sighed.

 

"These are Angela Diaz's medical records. She showed the same symptoms as Cooper shortly after her twentieth birthday."

The tone of her voice was different now, a cool and professional tone. This was the tone she always adopted when she and Neil had professional differences.

 

"Although her symptoms are not progressing as quickly as Cooper's, her quality of life is already severely impaired."

Neil pulled the file towards him and leafed through it. He came to the page that showed her values ​​after the implant was inserted. There had indeed been an improvement, but...

 

"Claire, you know as well as I do that the values ​​can vary at her stage. This here …”

The values ​​had improved slightly, but there were no signs that it would stay that way. He understood that Claire and Alex saw hope in this, but he couldn’t understand how Audrey could have agreed to it all, since there had been no studies on the subject, nor had the improvement been so great that it would indicate a success in therapy.

Claire took the file back and put it on the table with the others. For a brief moment she paused and stared at the pages as if she saw something written there that he hadn’t seen. Then she shook her head almost imperceptibly and stood upright and confidently, folding her arms in front of her chest.

 

“Maybe it’s nothing. But maybe it’s exactly what Cooper needs.”

Neil sighed and ran his hand over his face. He knew Claire and knew what phase she was in. She hated it when they had to send a patient home without being able to do anything for them and then clung to every bit of hope there was. Her greatest strength was that she never gave up, but Neil also counted it as one of her weaknesses because it was almost impossible for her to let go at that stage.

Neil took off his jacket and put it on the chair in front of him, thinking about what he could have said to Claire, since he definitely wouldn't dissuade her from her idea, especially since she had Lim's support.

He cast a quick glance at her, who was still looking at him confidently.

 

"We'll see," he finally said, and even if it wasn't much, it seemed to have been enough to satisfy Claire for the moment.

 

Neil grabbed his things and opened his office, where he hung up his jacket and put down his bag. He opened the window and let his gaze wander over the room he had been so proud of for years.

His own office. But now it seemed small and not quite as important. He plopped down on his chair and started his tablet to get started on his cases for the day when Claire appeared in the doorway and looked at him.

Neil raised his eyebrow, but couldn't help but smile skeptically.

 

"What?"

Claire grinned too and shook her head only slightly absently as she let her gaze wander around the room, too.

 

"Nothing. It's just ... weird to be back."

Neil slumped back against the arm of his chair and folded his hands on his stomach. He noticed that he was still smiling and thought about how much he had longed for them to come back.

It was indeed weird that she was now just standing in front of him again, casting a spell over him.

 

"So, you liked it?"

Her gaze met his and something shone in her eyes that Neil had never seen before. She grinned at him, but in her mind she seemed to be in Guatemala again. He could have spent a lifetime seeing Claire like this. She seemed to glow from within and her light seemed to illuminate the entire room.

"Yes, it was... amazing."

Neil smiled and nodded, because he knew the feeling she was now carrying inside her.

 

"You should have been there," she said, giving him a gentle smile.

 

"Next time."

For a moment, there was silence between them, but Neil immediately noticed the change in Claire's facial expression. It was like a small shadow that had fallen over her eyes and Neil leaned forward slightly to get what was on her mind.

But he didn't get the chance, because at that moment Audrey entered the room, followed by Shaun and Alex.

Claire turned around abruptly and, as if by reflex, took a few steps away from Neil.

Neil stood up and quickly set off to follow Claire. He leaned against the doorframe of his office and noticed Morgan, who squeezed through the door behind Audrey.

 

"So, the plan for today is set. Murphy, you are with Dr. Glassman. Park and Claire, you are with me. The meeting with the Blades is scheduled in half an hour. Depending on how that goes, we will perform the procedure this evening. You will let me do the talking until I say otherwise. Reznick, you and Dr. Chase are on Dr. Melendez's team today."

Morgan let her gaze wander around and leaned over to Park.

 

"Who?" she whispered, loud enough that everyone in the room could have heard the question. Audrey gave her a warning look but did not answer her question any further.

 

"Dr. Lim, a word?"

Audrey cast a quick glance at Neil, but paid him no further attention.

"Later."

For a brief moment, the lounge was quiet and Neil realized that he wasn’t the only one noticing Audreys behavior. The others did too.

He considered whether he should stand up for himself, but he knew that he would end up making things worse if he took her on now. He didn't want the others to notice that something was wrong, so he decided not to say anything instead.

 

Neil stood there and listened until the others had finished planning. He received another look from Audrey that he couldn't really place, then she disappeared from the room, followed by the others.

"Shall we continue the conversation at another time, Dr Browne?" he called after her and Claire turned around briefly and nodded with a smile before she also walked quickly.

 

“Trouble in paradise?”

Neil ignored Morgan’s comment and, annoyed, grabbed his tablet to go with her to their first patient.

 

---

 

Chapter 2: Moving on

---

 

From what Neil had gathered, the boy's parents had agreed to the operation, so he no longer had the opportunity to contribute anything. He decided not to take the whole thing too personally until he had had the chance to talk to Audrey about the whole situation. But she was hardly around for the next few days and Neil didn't care to make an appointment to talk to her.

To his relief, he had received a message from her two days later.

 

"Saturday at the bar."

 

She hadn't said anything else, but that was enough for Neil for now, even if it raised even more questions. If she was looking for the conversation at the bar, then that meant that she had no intention of settling the whole thing officially. Whether that was a positive thing or not, Neil couldn't say yet. He felt the need to clarify this with the necessary seriousness, but it was a lot easier for him if he could talk to her as a friend and not as a Superior.

So he longed for the meeting, because the question marks in his head were getting bigger and bigger.

 

He had hoped to talk to Claire and find out what was going on in her head as well, but in the days that followed she was absent and out of sorts. Although she was assigned to his team on a few days, the mood was no longer as he was used to and she was less communicative than usual. When the moment was right, Neil had invited her for a drink and on some days to the cinema. However, he had always been turned down. Even though she assured him that nothing was wrong, he sensed that something was off.

It could have been because the treatment with the V5 implant had failed, as Neil found out after a few days.

But that didn't make sense, because she had already shown a change in behavior before. He sensed that it was bothering her that they had disappointed Cooper again. That they had given him hope and now taken it away again, but moments like this had happened many times before and Claire had always managed to pick herself up again at some point.

Neil began to worry, but since she rejected every one of his attempts to talk to him in one way or another, Neil decided to let her come to him.

 

Soon Saturday had arrived and Neil and Audrey had met at their favorite bar and spent the first few minutes in silence while ordering their first drinks.

The bar was crowded and louder than usual and Neil frowned in annoyance, it was not the ideal setting for such a conversation. He reached for the bowl of nuts in front of him and started to crack them while he waited for Audrey to start the conversation. After that didn't happen after another five minutes, Neil sighed dramatically loudly and turned in his chair so that he was looking directly at her.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on or are you expecting me to guess?"

Audrey sighed too, holding her glass in her hand and swirling her tequila around in it. For a few seconds she just stared at the drink in front of her before saying anything.

 

"Look, I know I didn't go about this the right way."

She paused for a moment, expecting him to say something, but he didn't, so she put down her glass and looked him straight in the eye.

"But it's not like I betrayed you. We saw an opportunity there in Guatemala, an opportunity for your patient, yes. But there was nothing you could have done to make it happen."

 

"That doesn't matter, it was my patient. I have a right to know. You can't just decide over my head what's best for my patient."

She laughed briefly, but the sound that came out of her throat was more sarcastic than she intended to make it sound.

 

"Well, actually, I can do just that."

Neil felt the anger boiling up inside him. He couldn't understand why she was acting so aloof and didn’t even try to understand him. She had just shut down.

 

"But why? Didn't we look at exactly the same files? Am I missing something here? There was almost no indication that this implant could‘ve helped Cooper. There was hardly any indication that it would have helped your patient on site." He watched her reaction closely, but she paid him no attention. She just continued to stare at the glass in front of her.

"There must have been a reason why you got the consent form for the procedure on site. As far as I know, the connection was so bad that you couldn't even talk to me. And yet you had the opportunity to spend hours on the phone to get an idea like that approved?"

Audrey ordered the next round and finally raised her eyes to look at Neil. He couldn't read what he saw in her eyes. But she looked tired and for a brief moment he felt guilty for putting so much pressure on her.

 

"Look, I understand that it doesn't make sense from the outside. Damn, I'm sure if you'd pulled that on me, I'd be just as pissed off as you are."

She gave a bitter laugh and shook her head.

"But Guatemala ... it was ... hard. I reached my limits down there and I feel like I'm going crazy. We lost so many people there, simply because we didn't have the resources. We did everything we could and it would have been so easy to save them, if they had been here. But they weren't."

The stone of anger that had been on Neil's heart until just a moment ago had vanished from one second to the next and given way to a warm feeling of empathy. He remembered that Audrey had had exactly the same feelings when they came back from South Africa. She felt powerless and couldn't see the bigger picture.

He sighed and turned his attention back to the nuts in front of him to take the tension out of the situation. Neil knew it was easier for Audrey that way.

"And then the kids came along with their brilliant idea for the sick boy here and I... just got carried away. I wanted hope. You know how captivating Claire can be in situations like this."

A small smile played on his lips, but he didn't say anything. He knew all too well what it was like to let Claire carry you away to something that actually seemed almost impossible. That had been the basis for the best operations they had performed in the last year.

"It doesn't matter, it didn't do any good, you were right."

There was another silence and Neil knew that there was no point in saying anything. She had probably already replayed all the encouraging words and all the accusations in her head a hundred times.

 

"But why didn't you just tell me? You said it yourself, you can decide whether you want to anything or not anyway," he added in a tone that made Audrey smile slightly.

 

"I don't know."

 

"Yes, that's a really satisfying answer."

Audrey let her fingers dance around the rim of her glass and seemed to be thinking about what to say next. Neil allowed the silence between them to pass and tried to think about what could have been the reason for her actions. However, it now seemed almost impossible for him to form any meaningful thoughts, as the people around them were getting louder and drunker. Saturday night.

 

"Maybe I just didn't want you to talk sense into me."

Neil understood her better now. He knew that he would probably have acted differently in her position, but he didn't want to dwell on it any more. It didn't matter anymore. He was sick of feeling unimportant or mistreated all the time and decided not to wallow in self-pity any more.

 

"Then will you at least tell me why you're putting me on permanent duty with Dr. Chase? Or was that just a clever diversionary tactic on your part?" he said with his crooked grin and a slight wink.

Audrey, who seemed a little more relaxed, also grinned.

 

"Hey, you really can't blame me for that. He likes you, he looks up to you. He practically begged me to join your team." She shrugged and took a long sip from her glass.

"And, to be completely honest, I thought having a suck-up like that would be good for your ego, you know."

 

Neil rolled his eyes, but also sipped his drink. She was probably right.

 

"Well, thanks, I guess."

Audrey laughed heartily now and held out her almost empty glass to him so they could toast.

 

"Anything for you, sweetheart."

The atmosphere was less tense now and Audrey seemed more relaxed as she told Neil in detail what had happened to the Blade boy. Exactly what Neil had suspected had happened, but Audrey was now relatively drunk and thought that he could surely be saved somehow, at some point. Neil didn't comment on this because he disagreed, but he did feel sorry for Audrey and also for Park and Claire. At the end of the day, they just wanted to save a child. Even if they wanted to do it with childish naivety, they still tried.

He ordered another round.

 

"So, are you finally going to tell me how well the kids did on site?"

Audrey laughed, and this time she meant it.

 

"I have to say, the person who surprised me the most was Shaun. I actually expected him to be completely overwhelmed if a situation didn't go as expected or if he didn't have the necessary materials at his disposal."

She smiled proudly in Neil's direction.

"But he's really damn good at improvising and he really saved our asses a few times."

Neil could imagine it all too well. Even though he hadn't had high expectations of Shaun at first, he had proven him wrong and Neil could say with certainty that he was one of the best students he had ever had.

"But actually, everyone really surprised me in a positive way. Morgan, like Shaun, was able to make very good decisions when it came to who we could and couldn't help, and then was able to implement them convincingly."

Neil had hoped that Audrey would bring up Claire herself, that he would be able to make some sense of what was wrong with her. But of course that didn't happen.

 

"What about Claire? She seems a bit off track since you got back."

Audrey frowned in surprise and thought for a moment.

 

"No, I had a really good feeling about her. She always kept a cool head and didn't react nearly as over-emotionally as I expected. She was able to handle the whole situation even better than I. She fit in really well, as if she had never done anything else."

Even if Claire had only spoken very briefly about her trip to Guatemala, Audrey's story made sense. That was exactly how Neil had imagined it. He was all the more surprised by the current situation.

"However," Audrey added, "she asked me for a conversation and hasn't really mentioned what it was about."

Neil became alert.

 

"What? And does she want to speak to you as a friend or to you as her boss?"

Audrey just shrugged and waved it off.

 

"I don't know, she didn't say. I'll definitely talk to her on Monday. Then I'll know."

 

***

 

The weekend went by quickly, and it was also quite short. Neil and Audrey spent the entire Saturday evening in the bar and Neil didn't come home until early in the morning when the sun was already rising again. The next day he regretted it because he woke up with a hangover for the first time in a long time. But it was worth it because after the awkward start to the conversation, they had had a long, deep conversation and Neil felt like his social life had finally been breathed new life into.

Nevertheless, in the back of his mind he always had thoughts of Claire and what was wrong with her.

Fortunately, he didn't have to wonder for too long because when he was sitting on the couch on Monday evening, his cell phone rang and a glance at the display told him that it was Claire.

He couldn't describe the feeling he had felt at that moment, a mixture of nervousness and relief, but he didn't let it show.

On the phone, she sounded like herself again and asked if he wanted to go running again sometime soon.

And so it came to be that they met on Wednesday evening after work and spent time together for the first time in months. It was a strange feeling; before the earthquake, they had fallen into a rhythm that had made things seem so easy and normal between them. They had met up to run every day they had free time and occasionally arranged to meet for a drink after work. Meeting again after such a long time felt almost new and Neil couldn't help but notice the butterflies that had formed in his stomach.

As soon as they met, he understood why. He had longed for the feeling of her closeness. He felt freer and more calm. He had almost forgotten that it was the first time he had gone running in weeks, but when Claire passed him at a speed he couldn't have dreamed of catching up with, he realized it again.

Claire laughed when he admitted he was out of shape, but for a moment a look of concern crossed her face. But it vanished as quickly as it had come and they decided to jog side by side at a leisurely pace.

 

It was pleasant and Neil felt the energy returning to his body. He made a mental note that he should exercise more often now because he felt more relaxed and happier.

The two quickly fell back into old habits and talked about all sorts of things while they ran next to each other, but neither mentioned Guatemala. Neil wanted to find out from her what was going through her mind, but the moment had not yet come.

Instead, he used the time and told her about the things he had experienced as head of surgery and with her he had no problem analyzing both the negative and the positive things. In front of Audrey he had of course only mentioned how smoothly it had gone and how he was made for this job. But Claire understood him and knew the downsides of this job just as he did. It felt good to talk to her and Neil remembered why the two had connected so well with each other.

She gave him encouragement at the right moment, countered when he teased her and was quiet when she needed to be.

They ran one of their usual laps and came to a stop at the bench where they could see almost the entire city. It was Claire's favorite spot, which is why they chose this route as often as possible.

Claire had already collapsed onto the bench and was laughing when Neil theatrically collapsed next to her and exhaled loudly.

It was a warm spring evening and the last warm rays of sun shone through the trees. Neil watched as the light framed Claire and left her glowing warmly. At this sight, he smiled to himself and sighed as he looked away to take in the surroundings around him. The silence between them was pleasant, they enjoyed each other's presence and lost themselves in their thoughts. It wouldn't be long until Claire finished her residency and Neil wondered what would happen next. He had wanted a lot for her future, but a small selfish part of him hoped that maybe they would get even closer than they had been so far.

 

"I really missed this." Claire said, Neil looked over at her and caught her eye. She smiled gently before looking out at the city again.

 

"Me too."

She hesitated for a moment.

 

"I'm sorry I've been so absent and we haven't really had a chance to talk yet. It's really good to see you again."

Neil smiled slightly, as he could only return the feeling.

"I've been thinking a lot about you and what happened to you. Then I felt bad again because I never managed to get in touch." She frowned.

 

"It's okay, you were busy," he said simply.

 

"Yeah, but it’s not. You must have been very lonely because we all just left when you were hurt."

Neil smiled gently, unable to miss the sad undertone in her voice.

 

"I'm fine, Claire. I was fine and I'm fine now. Don't worry."

She remained silent and looked out at the city. Her eyebrows were drawn together, her body tense.

 

"It's crazy, since I've been back it feels like time has been running much slower, or like it's stopped."

 

"What do you mean?"

Claire paused for a moment and for a split second Neil recognized the look on her face that she had already had in his office.

 

"I don't know, I was full of adrenaline the whole time because something was constantly happening. Even if it was just decisions that I had to make, even though they seemed impossible. I feel like I'm on standby here."

Although what she said didn't sound negative, it had that kind of undertone. Neil knew the feeling well, from days in the ER. On a particularly stressful day, it was like a high, adrenaline pumping through his veins when several patients had to be treated at the same time and he felt like he had to be in several places at once.

 

"You already told me that you enjoyed the trip. Do you want to... talk about it?"

Claire's eyes immediately started to sparkle, a smile played around her lips and Neil couldn't help but return it. He could feel the passion bubbling inside her.

 

"It was really impressive. I didn't think I would learn so much. It was so completely different to here. When you had a patient, you always knew that you were the only one who could help them. They don't have the same options as here, to get a second opinion, to go to another hospital. Either you're there or you're not. It was only then that I really realized that I was saving people. That I'm the reason they're alive."

Neil smiled, noticing how differently Claire had experienced the situation than Audrey, while Audrey had almost broken down, it was as if Claire had only gained more strength from it. At the beginning of her residendcy, Neil would have expected this trait from everyone but Claire. He had thought her compassion for patients would slow her down, but it turned out to be what made her stand out from the crowd.

 

"You did something good, Claire. You changed these people's lives and when they think about their illnesses or accidents in the future, they will remember you. And that you saved them."

Claire's smile disappeared and her gaze wandered to her hands, she played nervously with her fingers and exhaled heavily.

 

"There is still so much to do there. So many people who need help."

Neil remembered that he had felt the same way when they came back from South Africa. They had done so much work, but he had felt as if he had achieved nothing. He leaned towards her and put his arm on the back of the bench. He watched her for a moment, but when she didn't say anything else, he nodded slightly at her.

 

"That's the difficult thing about our job. We have the chance to do good and help people, so sometimes it seems unfair when you can't save the whole world. Because if not us, who else?"

Claire nodded, but her posture remained stiff.

"It's hard, but you can't lose sight of what you can do and what you've already achieved. Even if it feels like that sometimes, -" he grinned slightly.

"- We're not gods. We can't be everywhere at once, we can't split ourselves up, no matter how hard we try. There will always be someone, everywhere, who needs our help. And there will always be people who need our help even more but can't get it. That's just the way it is, unfortunately."

He placed his hand gently on her shoulder, which made her smile briefly.

They met eyes and locked their gazes. He tried to read her, but he didn't see anything. He was so caught up in the moment, in the green in her eyes, that he almost didn't notice the desperation in them.

"The only thing you can do is pass on your knowledge so that there will be new doctors who will then help people. And otherwise... you have to try to see the good, like you did there. Focus on those you can save and do it for those you can't."

Claire stood up with a sigh and crossed her arms as she looked into the distance.

 

Neil hesitated, not knowing how to handle her in this situation. Normally he would just give her space, like he did with Audrey, so she would have time to realize that these kinds of thoughts weren't getting her anywhere. However, he knew that when Claire was in that mindset, she would usually just bury herself deeper in it.

"Look, it's like working at an animal shelter. Are you sad about the animals you can't rescue? Of course. But does that mean you're closing the shelter and depriving other animals of the opportunity to get help?"

Claire turned to him, her arms still crossed, her eyebrow raised, but a slight smile formed on her face.

 

"I never thought you were the kind of person who would compare our work to that at the animal shelter. Interesting."

Neil raised his eyebrow, not knowing if he had said something right or wrong.

"Have you ever worked at an animal shelter?"

 

"Well... no. But helping is helping, right?"

Claire plopped down next to him again, still smiling slightly.

 

"Well, I did. And you're probably right."

 

"You used to work at an animal shelter?"

 

"Yes, an internship I did in school."

She hesitated for a moment before she started to smile.

"And in a way that was worse, because it's much more realistic for me to adopt all the dogs than for me to adopt every child in need. I was really close to adopting them all, I swear"

Her laughter broke the calm atmosphere and Neil smiled.

 

"And then all the cats too, while you're at it."

Claire pulled a slight face before shrugging.

 

"Nah. I'm more of a dog person. Yes, cats are great, but dogs are my kryptonite."

She looked briefly at Neil, but when he didn't react she added, "What about you? Dog or cat person?"

Neil raised his eyebrow, fell back into the bench and crossed his arms.

 

"That's a weird question."

Claire laughed and shook her head, causing a few strands to come loose from her braid and fall into her face. Neil suppressed the urge to tuck them behind her ear and cleared his throat.

 

"No, it's not. It's a basic dating question," she giggled and Neil tensed. A look into her eyes told him that she didn't attach as much importance to her words as he did. A slight disappointment spread through him, but he didn't let it show.

 

"Why do you have to choose? I like animals, I like dogs and cats, why can't I like both?" he laughed.

Claire frowned and thought about it for a moment.

 

"I don't think it's fundamentally about liking. I like both, but dogs suit me and my way of life better. They're just completely different dynamics."

She shrugged.

"I see you as a cat person. I can imagine you with a cat."

Neil tried to picture this in his head, but he had a hard time imagining any living creature in his life other than himself. He had lived alone for so long, even though Audrey had often stayed over when they were still together. As nice as he imagined it would be to share his living space with someone, he didn't expect that to be the case any time soon.

 

He shrugged as well.

"I'll abstain."

Claire rolled her eyes.

 

"What? Oh, come on."

Neil paused for a moment and looked around the park. He saw a woman pushing a stroller, a small dog trotting along beside them.

 

"Well, in a perfect world, I always imagined my future with a dog. You know, wife, kids and the dog."

Claire nodded understandingly. She knew that Neil's wish was a big loving family.

"But I was pretty sure we would also have a cat or two. I grew up in a house where there were always cats and it was nice to have them around, I guess."

Claire sighed and shook her head, but a warm smile was on her lips.

 

"Always something special, huh?"

It had become quiet between them again, the sun had almost set by now. A cold gust of wind made Neil shake and he glanced at Claire to suggest that they slowly make their way back. It had been nice to spend the afternoon with her and finally be able to talk to her again.

But the look on Claire's face suggested that she wasn't ready to leave yet.

 

"Hey, are you okay?"

She hesitated for a moment, her eyes darting to him briefly and then back to her hands. Neil felt an uneasy feeling forming in his stomach and his throat becoming dry.

 

"Yeah, it's just... I wanted to talk to you about something. I just don't know how."

Neil swallowed hard and felt his heart rate quicken.

 

"Just say it," he whispered softly and she sighed.

The moments when she didn't speak felt like an eternity, and in a split second Neil played through a hundred different scenarios in his head of what she would say and what it would mean.

 

"The last few days ... or probably even longer ..."

She paused, her words quiet, but there was a certainty in them that didn't match her uncertain expression.

"I've been thinking about whether I should ... go back to Guatemala. Whether I want to."

Neil furrowed his eyebrows and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. It was as if Claire was speaking a different language, he didn't seem to understand a word she was saying.

 

"Do you mean ... for another month, or?" he managed to say, but even the thought of it made his stomach turn. He couldn't imagine her leaving again, so soon after she'd come back. Only today had he realized how much he'd missed her being there.

Claire sighed again and then turned her head in his direction, seeking his gaze. When she found it, her eyes were full of worry, full of ... pity?

 

"Well, I was thinking about staying there."

Neil didn't understand the words that left her mouth, but his racing heart suggested that his heart had already understood it faster than his brain.

He tried not to let on how disturbing the idea sounded to him and cleared his throat.

 

"Okay but why?"

Claire's cheeks flushed slightly and she lowered her gaze as if she were ashamed. It hadn't taken words to understand that answer, but she looked into the distance and let the air that had been building up in her lungs out.

 

"I feel like I have to go there. Every time I decide against it, it feels wrong, but when I decide for it, it feels... like I was meant to go that way. I know it sounds weird, but when I was there, it felt like it was right, I don't know."

 

"So you want to live there? Move there?"

Claire avoided his gaze, shrugged slightly and sighed.

 

"Well, that was the idea behind it, yes. I don't know if you understand or if that sounds crazy. I've only just got back, after all."

Neil nodded absently, trying not to be too dismissive, not to let on how hurt he was that she was even thinking about it. He had no right to be hurt, really. It was her decision and if she felt like she belonged there... God, that felt wrong.

"But it already felt so wrong to get back on the plane and leave. Yes, this is my real life, but still... I feel so guilty from the moment we left. You should have seen how much they needed us. We had to send so many people home simply because we didn't have the time to help them. I just want them to have someone to see them."

She exhaled heavily and desperately searched for his gaze, expecting some kind of reaction from him.

 

"Is this really so bad?"

Neil stared at his fingers, which he had pressed together so tightly that they were already turning white. His thoughts were racing, words burning on his tongue, but he couldn't get a single one out.

 

"It's not. It's just... a lot."

It was quiet between them again, uncomfortable silence. Each of them expected the other to say something, but they couldn't find the words themselves. Neil thought of how many times he had wanted to tell her how he felt about her, all the words that had remained unsaid and that now seemed to lose their meaning.

 

"But I'm worried. It's scary. There are a few things I'm not sure about. And then there's you."

Neil looked up and Claire caught his eye as if it were the most natural thing in the world and in that moment it was as if all the questions vanished into thin air. They didn't have to have said it, Neil could see that Claire gave the thing between them exactly the same meaning as he did. Her eyes left no doubt that she felt the same as he did and even though his heart seemed to be pounding out of his chest, Neil couldn't concentrate on that feeling. His throat was tight, his mouth dry, his stomach seemed to be turning.

It was as if Claire was asking him for permission. Permission to leave. And Neil couldn't imagine wanting or being able to let her go. He wondered if he should tell her how he felt about her, put all his cards on the table. The small spark of hope that she would then reconsider her decision made Neil hesitate.

 

He could tell her that he couldn't imagine life without her, that he should have told her much earlier that he wanted more. More of her time, more of her, that he wanted everything.

That he saw a future with her.

He could have told her that she was all he thought about, that his heart beat faster every time she smiled at him.

He could have told her that he felt more for her than he ever thought he could.

He could have told her that he didn't want her to go.

He could have asked her to stay, to discover what had developed between them and that they had never had the chance to feel.

He could have asked her to stay, so that he could take her hand and never have to let go.

He could have asked her to stay.

 

But then he thought of the light in her eyes when she had told him about Guatemala. He thought of how proud she had been of what she had done there. And he thought of how he had had so many opportunities to tell her how he felt and never had. Was it fair to give her this package now, that she was going to break away from him? He had never told her and it didn't feel right to do it now.

 

"I think..."

He cleared his throat to give his voice back the strength it had lost.

"I think it's the right thing to do.“

Claire looked at him questioningly, obviously expecting a different answer or perhaps even hoping for one.

 

"Really?"

Neil smiled, not a smile of joy, but one of understanding. One that was meant to hide the hell that was really raging inside him at that moment. He gently placed his hand on her shoulder. He had hoped that it would give both her and him the comfort that was needed to take this step. But it didn't.

 

"I won't stop you from going your own way. And you won't either."

Claire nodded, the words seemed to sink in slowly. There was an uncertainty, it was unclear how things would continue, or whether this was a goodbye. At least it felt that way.

 

"It feels right, it really does. I feel like I can become someone I can be really proud of. But I'm afraid... that I'll regret it at some point. What if I'm wrong? What if it is a huge mistake after all?"

Her brow furrowed, but Neil could see that she wasn't really afraid that it was a mistake. She was determined, it was the potential consequences that worried her.

 

"Don't worry. I've known you for a while now and I can probably count the times you've been wrong on one hand. And even when you have been, you've always made the best of it."

A warm smile crept almost unnoticed onto her face and Neil was sure that the images he had in the back of his mind were also playing in her head. How many times they'd clashed because they had different opinions and how often she could convince him otherwise. Partly with the help of her talent and partly with the help of her charm.

"And even in the unlikely case that you don't find what you're looking for there, if you think this might all have been a big mistake ..."

He paused for a moment and her eyes met his. They lost themselves in each other's eyes, whether they were trying to find something in them or whether they were desperately trying to suppress what was clearly in front of them, they couldn't tell anymore.

"You will always have a place here. Whether you come back in a few days, a few months or years - this is your home. And we will always be here and welcome you with open arms. Or we will be here and cheer you on from afar. You can always come back to this, to us. And there is nothing that could ever change that. I promise."

Neil couldn't make her promises he wasn't sure he could keep. He couldn't promise her that this wasn't a mistake, she had to find that out for herself.

He couldn't promise her that other people's lives wouldn't go on without her, they would. But he was sure that one thing would never change. That she belonged here, whether she was there or not. She had touched so many lives and there was no way to take that back.

 

Claire looked away, fighting against the emotions that wanted to burst out of her. But she swallowed hard before looking at Neil again.

"Thank you."

They sat on the bench for a few minutes without saying a word. And as they looked into the distance together, they wondered if this would be the last time they would be here together in this place. The sun had now set and it was getting colder, so they left the bench in silent agreement and made their way back without looking back.

Neil didn't know how to process the situation. As much as he knew that everything he had said to Claire was true, it hurt him to think that this was the reality he would now have to live in. It felt as if he had only imagined the last few days, as if he was actually still sitting in his office waiting for his colleagues to return from Guatemala.

He had often thought about what would happen when Claire had finished her residency. She had never spoken about the future, always so focused on her dark past or the present. But he had never thought that she would leave the hospital, as she had always described it as her home.

 

"I've already spoken to Dr. Lim," Claire said, breaking the silence.

Her voice was stronger and more confident, and Neil couldn't help but hear the anticipation in her words. That thought made Neil's stomach clench, as he didn't think it was possible to feel anything other than the nausea that had settled in his stomach like a stone.

 

"Yes, she told me you spoke on Monday."

Claire nodded, pulled her phone out of her pocket, and opened the notes app. Neil only caught a quick glimpse when he glanced over, but he saw that the pages were written from top to bottom.

 

"She gave me the contact details of a staff member from the program we were on this time, and she said it might be possible for me to finish my residency right there, since I would only be missing a few weeks anyway."

Neil said nothing, nodded absently, and tried to erase the timeline he had mentally noted, from his mind. So she would be leaving even earlier than expected.

Maybe it's better this way, maybe it would make things easier.

 

"I still have to fill out a few documents, of course, and prepare a few things. But Dr. Lim also offered to help me, she was pretty enthusiastic about my idea."

Neil was sure that he would have been excited about the idea too if it had concerned anyone other than Claire.

"I expect that I should be finished with everything in about four weeks, so ... that I can then ... leave."

 

Four weeks. Four weeks was nothing.

It was nothing if you tried to make up for everything you had missed over the last few months. If you tried to justify that going was okay. That it wasn't leaving, but moving on.

Neil shook his head inwardly, thinking of how many times he had thought that the time had never been right to tell Claire how he felt. And now there was no time.

But she's still here. Standing right in front of you.

Was it so selfish to tell her how he felt just because she was about to leave and it might affect her decision?

Or wasn't it much more selfish not to tell her and thus deprive her of the knowledge that she was loved?

 

"Neil?"

Claire had stopped and looked up at him.

 

"Oh, sorry. What did you say?"

Claire smiled gently and shook her head.

 

"Nothing, I was just wondering if you could... teach me a little Spanish before I go? The language barrier has really been a problem."

Neil folded his arms across his chest in amusement and looked down at her with a raised eyebrow.

 

"Excuse me, but have you ever heard me speak one word of Spanish?"

Claire tilted her head and her mouth remained slightly open, question marks forming in her eyes before she opened them in shame. Her cheeks flushed slightly before she looked down, embarrassed.

 

"What? No, I mean, I thought, I assumed that... because you..."

Neil couldn't help but laugh. For a moment, he forgot everything around him and let his emotions run wild. Claire's confused expression made him smile even more as he shook his head dismissively.

He had never told her directly that he spoke Spanish, sure, one could have guessed it, but it was all the funnier to see Claire blush with embarrassment as she suspected she had jumped to the wrong conclusion. He had used his native language many times in the hospital, but never in cases he had dealt with Claire.

 

"No, no hay problema. Definitivamente puedo enseñarte algunas cosas".

Claire rolled her eyes theatrically before joining in with his laughter.

It almost went unnoticed by him, the look in Claire's eyes when she heard him speak Spanish. The sparkle she was trying to hide and Neil wondered what had triggered it in her.

 

"Yes, okay, I deserve that," she laughed.

"Thanks for the help. I hope we can get things done. I don't want to have to rely on an interpreter for too long."

 

"We have a month, that's more than enough time," he said, knowing full well that he didn't believe a word of it.

 

---

 

Chapter 3: Nothing between us

 

---

 

"Now you're just making up words."

 

"You're just making up excuses."

Claire giggled as she put her empty cup in the dishwasher.

It had been two weeks since she decided to go to Guatemala. Time was passing quickly, too quickly, and Neil couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. It felt like they were preparing for a goodbye they weren't ready for and doing everything they could to suppress that certainty. Well, it was probably just that.

 

Even though it had a bitter aftertaste, the last few days had been good, with many happy memories. Claire rarely went to the hospital anymore, as Audrey had given her the time to continue preparing for her trip. But when she did, she was allowed to operate, usually with Neil and Park. It felt like it used to be. It was obvious that both Claire and Park had learned a lot during their time in Guatemala. They were eager to learn, but Neil could sense that they had become independent doctors who made their own decisions. They were no longer in his OR to learn something, but to contribute something to it.

Neil had kept his promise and taught Claire Spanish. Of course, she was a natural at that too. She knew the basics after just two days, even if she still struggled a bit with the pronunciation, but that made it all the more fun for Neil. He had no doubt that she could communicate well, but she wasn't so sure and so she spent every free minute with him. It was strange how natural it had become that she was at his house. In the past, he had kept her away from it for good reason. It had felt like playing with fire if he had invited her to his house, it would have crossed a line from which they would not have been able to return. In the past, he had worried a lot about what would happen then. But now that didn't matter anymore, she was leaving. Nothing was important anymore except spending as much time with her as possible.

It was almost unreal how naturally Claire now behaved in his apartment. She made the coffee herself, nibbled on the grapes he had bought the day before, her jacket was on his sofa (which Neil would normally find annoying since he had already told her several times where the wardrobe was, but with her it didn't bother him), sometimes she just left her papers on Neil's coffee table until the next time, because there was always a next time.

Now she visited every other day and studied, or at least tried to. Most of the time, they were engrossed in discussions about certain cases, talking about Claire's plans in Guatemala or laughing about memories of the past. It gave Neil a warm feeling when she was here. It felt right and he wished she would never leave again. She gave his home a different meaning, it was no longer just a place. It had become so easy between them. He knew that this feeling wouldn't last forever and that time flew by. But he wanted to capture this image.

He watched Claire standing on her tiptoes to get the coffee powder from the cupboard and smiled.

 

"If you can't handle these words, then you won't like what I got for you." Neil said mischievously, getting the reaction he wanted from Claire.

She turned to him slowly, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

 

"What are you talking about?"

Neil couldn't help but grin cheekily as he got up to get the present he had bought for Claire as soon as it was clear that she was actually going to leave. He heard her call out something that sounded like a warning as he disappeared into his bedroom, where he had hidden it in his closet.

He didn't know why he had gone to the trouble of hiding it. It wasn't like anyone else was going to visit him, and Claire never stayed in his bedroom when she visited, but he wanted to make sure she wouldn't find it early.

When he got back into the open kitchen, Claire was already standing with her back to the wall, arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed. Neil chuckled as he saw her roll her eyes theatrically.

 

"Why are you giving me something?" she asked hesitantly as she picked up the small package. Neil knew she was uncomfortable with receiving gifts, so he didn't take it personally when Claire grimaced when she noticed how much effort he had put into wrapping it. The gift was wrapped in black paper and a red bow decorated the top. It hadn't been as much effort for Neil as it seemed, but he was clearly amused that Claire suspected just that.

 

"You'll probably understand better when you unwrap it, would be my guess."

Claire sighed and gently tugged on the small bow to loosen it. Neil watched with his arms crossed and a smile on his face as she tentatively unwrapped it, as if she was afraid of breaking something.

When she finally held it in her hands, the skepticism on her face had not disappeared.

 

"A book?"

Claire's lips played with a slight smile as she raised her eyes and looked at Neil. Neil nodded again towards the book, which had no cover and therefore did not reveal what kind of book it was. She turned it carefully in her hand and opened the first page, which had the title on it and she grinned.

"Términos médicos: todo lo que un cirujano necesita saber"

She nodded understandingly with a slight grin. Neil did not let it show, but he was quite impressed that she had read the title with almost perfect pronunciation.

"That is really very nice of you."

 

"You know, if you ever run out of words in front of patients, you always have it ready." He said, but grinned.

Claire giggled.

 

"Yeah, well, if I need a technical term quickly, I'll probably just ask my phone, but thanks anyway. If I have time, I'll definitely look into it."

Neil raised his hands defensively.

 

"Hey, call me old-fashioned, but back in my day, I didn't have anything else to understand all the technical terms. If you don't want to keep running to the library, then this really is a lifesaver."

Claire nodded and put the book on the table in front of her.

 

"Well, at least I won't always have internet access, so that's really not a bad thing."

Neil gave her a crooked grin before picking up the book himself and leafing through it.

Medical terms - everything you need to know as a surgeon

It seemed almost ridiculous to him how small this book was, considering it contained so much knowledge. He remembered that during his own residency he had opened both the English and Spanish versions of this book and learned both things in parallel. He felt incredibly lucky that he knew both languages ​​- this often came in handy in his career. Every year he made a resolution to learn Chinese as well, in order to be even better positioned professionally. Unfortunately, he had not yet found the motivation to do so, so it remained nothing more than a good resolution.

 

"So, did you really learn medicine from this book?" Claire asked as she stood next to him and stared at the page he had opened.

Neil grimaced.

 

"Yes, believe it or not. But I really am that old."

Claire groaned in annoyance and gently hit him on the shoulder, making Neil laugh.

 

"Oh, shut up. Now give me back my book." she complained, pulling the book towards her and holding it to her chest. She walked quickly to her bag and put it in.

Neil grinned as he watched her because she was so uncomfortable receiving gifts.

 

"You're welcome."

 

****

 

When Neil wasn't spending his free time with Claire, who had been busy preparing for her trip, he was spending it with Audrey. He was worried about her, even if he wouldn't tell her so. She didn't like to be vulnerable, but her behavior lately made Neil feel uneasy. She was having more and more panic attacks due to stress and overwork, but whenever Neil brought it up, she got angry and pushed him further away.

'You must be after my job.'

Neil could handle the emotional outbursts, but that didn't make him any less overwhelmed by the situation. Although she was still the best person for the job, he would have liked to suggest, helping her for a while. No one would even have to know, he would just take over some of her work without noticing. But Audrey, like him, was too proud to accept help, even from him.

Instead, he encouraged her to go jogging with her, as he had rediscovered his passion for it. They didn't meet too often, as their work schedules got in the way, but whenever they did, Neil could see her blossoming and it felt good that he could do something for her. He soon learned that she went jogging almost every day before or after work, even without him. Neil was glad that at least he hadn't lost control of that.

But he had lost control of time. It seemed to run away faster the more he tried to hold on to it. Only one more week.

Claire had already booked her flights and dealt with the local people to organize accommodation where she could stay for the time being. He had hardly seen her during the week, but he didn't blame her. So he was happy when she agreed to go jogging that afternoon, but all the more disappointed when she showed up with Park by her side. He grimaced slightly, but didn't let it show.

 

Neil was now back in full form and kept challenging Claire to little races, which Alex accepted only annoyed. He preferred to stay at a relaxed pace, but Claire was only too happy to accept the invitation and chased Neil through the large park. She was now having more problems keeping up with him, so Neil kept falling back so that they could run closer together. At some point they adjusted to Alex's speed again so that he didn't feel too left out. They had now reached the center of the park and decided to get an ice cream from the small stationary ice cream stand.

As they walked relaxed next to each other with their ice cream, they listened to Claire, who spoke enthusiastically about her trip. Even if Neil still felt uneasy when she talked about her moving, he couldn't help but smile when she talked with strong gesticulations about the possibilities that lay before her. The gleam in her eyes, a sign of passion and anticipation, warmed Neil's heart. He knew that, even though it was difficult, she had made the right decision for herself at that moment.

But when she said that she hadn't had the heart to get out of her apartment lease, a small spark of hope sprouted in him. That this wouldn't be goodbye forever.

 

The conversations slowed down, the ice cream was eaten, and eventually they just walked next to each other in silence. They listened to the birds, the children playing and the barking dogs that brought the park to life that afternoon.

 

"Ah, good news," Alex said finally.

"Kellan is coming to visit me this weekend."

 

Claire grinned while Neil frowned skeptically.

"I'm happy for you, Alex. I hope I get to see him still, it's been ages."

Alex nodded at Claire in confirmation and sighed when they stopped.

 

"Yes, it really has been. I get it, who wants to fly several hours to visit their father?" He shook his head to put that thought aside and instead smiled at the thought of Alex visiting.

"It'll be great, we'll watch a game and then probably go to the movies. Man, I miss that kid."

Neil couldn't imagine being away from his son for so long if he ever had the luck of being a father. He didn't blame Alex for the way he and his family lived, but it was absolutely unimaginable for him not even living in the same city as his child.

Claire gently patted Park on the shoulder and they lost themselves in a conversation about how Kellan had been since he had last been in San Jose. It was a painful memory for Park when he had learned that his son suffered from panic attacks. After long conversations with him, Alex realized that he had struggled with similar problems since childhood and couldn't help but blame himself for his son's condition. Neil and Claire calmed him down with medical and psychological facts surrounding panic attacks and that there was no evidence that he had passed them on to him. Even though Neil knew Park didn't really believe them, Claire managed to steer the conversation in a more pleasant direction and instead talked about the game they were going to watch together and how much Kellan was looking forward to it.

The ringing of Claire's cell phone interrupted the conversation and she raised her hands apologetically as she pulled the phone out of her pocket.

 

"Oh crap. I completely forgot about that. Damn." She cursed and briefly looked up from the screen.

"Sorry, guys. I have to go, I still have a few things to sort out."

She waved the cell phone in front of her and put her hand on Park's shoulder.

"Have fun with your son, if we don't see each other again before then. We'll talk later, okay?"

Claire gave Neil a small smile too before she pushed past them. The other two looked after her for a moment and called out goodbye.

Neil then turned to Park and folded his arms.

 

"So, what exactly are your plans for the weekend?"

Alex raised his hands dismissively.

 

"Don't worry, I haven't forgotten. Kellan is coming on Friday and then we're going to the movies. On Saturday afternoon we're watching the game, but we should make it to the club on time. If not, we'll only be a few minutes late."

Neil thought for a second and then began to smile.

 

"How old is your son again? And you want to bring him to your colleague's farewell party, where there will definitely be more than just a little drinking?"

Alex grimaced for a moment at the thought of the party, but then just shrugged briefly.

 

"Claire loves Kellan, I don't think she'll have a problem with it. And he certainly won't either. Besides-"

He raised a warning finger.

"It's a karaoke party and not a drinking party."

Neil laughed briefly at this comment, but didn't want to contradict him any further. He wasn't sure what to think of this farewell party. He was surprised that Shaun had come up with the idea, but he was sure that Lea had had a hand in it. It was a nice thought that Claire's friends would all come together again to give her a proper farewell. Claire had been worried over the last few weeks that she rarely saw her friends with all the stress. Audrey had managed to ensure that only a few of them were on call, the others had a free evening. Although he had to get up early the next morning, he was happy that he would at least be there that evening. The whole thing was intended as a surprise and Neil couldn't imagine whether Claire would like it or find it completely overwhelming. Of course he hoped for the former and decided to trust Shaun and Lea with the planning. He only knew when he should be where and didn't want to interfere otherwise.

"I really wouldn't want to miss the party, but if I had to choose between Kellan and Claire, well…"

Alex shrugged and Neil nodded, ending the conversation.

 

They were both no longer in the mood to run, so they decided to walk through the park for a while and enjoy the warm afternoon. Park watched Neil out of the corner of his eye who seemed to weigh up his words. He tried to ignore it, but his gaze met Park's, who slowed down a bit and looked at the ground in front of him.

"Look, this is a little awkward now, since you're my boss and all, but I also see myself as your friend."

Neil frowned, guessing where this conversation would lead, which is why his body was already tensing slightly.

 

"Right."

Alex nodded in agreement and hesitated for another moment.

 

"So, what's up with you and Claire? Is there something going on between you two?"

Park's gaze was intense and Neil rolled his eyes.

 

"Why is everyone so obsessed with my love life? I didn't know that it was suddenly the whole hospital's business."

Neil was dismissive and started walking a little faster, hoping to shake him off or end the conversation. But Alex kept up and jogged next to him again.

 

"It's not. Like I said, I'm asking you as a friend, not a colleague. And as Claire's friend."

Neil rolled his eyes. As if that would change anything. Professional and private life were almost impossible to separate, especially in this hospital where almost everyone was good friends.

 

"Park, in case you haven't noticed, Claire is leaving. Hence the farewell party you want to drag your son to."

Alex ignored the comment and increased his pace, as Neil did the same.

 

"That’s not what I was asking. I asked if there was something going on."

Alex looked at him demandingly and everything in Neil told him to run faster to finally leave him behind. But he stayed next to him.

 

"I really don't know what you’re expecting from me. There is nothing between us. She's leaving."

Neil felt these words coming out of his mouth, but it felt like a lie. There was not nothing between them. There was something. And Alex knew that too, Neil was sure of that, but he continued to play the clueless. Alex watched him for a moment, hesitating. He was now having difficulty keeping up with Neil. The jogging had turned into a race that Alex would not be able to endure much longer.

 

"Well, I just thought you could go with her. To Guatemala."

Neil stopped almost abruptly and put his hands on his hips. He stared at Alex, who had now come to a standing position and was trying to get his breathing under control.

 

"What?" Neil managed to say, his voice breaking due to the lack of oxygen and exhaled heavily.

Alex came a little closer to him again.

 

"I'm just saying. I know Claire pretty well by now and I'm actually sure that she feels a certain way about you. At least I'd be pretty surprised if that wasn't the case, the way she talks about you or looks at you."

Neil tried to understand these words and weigh up how much meaning he could give them. These rumors had been around ever since they became friends and even if they were at least partially true, that didn't mean that it was the same when it came to Claire's feelings.

"And I really don't want to accuse you of anything, if there really is nothing, but it's kinda obvious."

Alex put his hand brotherly on his shoulder and smiled an all-knowing grin.

 

"But if I'm right and there is something and Guatemala is standing in your way -"

He shrugged.

"Then I say go with her."

Neil's head was racing. He wasn’t able to think about anything else than her leaving, that she would start a new life, but who said he couldn't just go with her? Was it that simple? Lately he hadn't seen any perspectives, perhaps because he wasn't looking in the right place. But would she want him to come with her? After all, she hadn't said anything in that direction at all, perhaps he would just force himself on her if he suggested it.

 

"Good doctors are always needed there. There will always be someone here who can do your job."

Neil saw Alex's cheeky grin and shook his hand off his shoulder.

 

"So that's what you're after? You're after my job, or what?"

Alex pulled a face, but Neil lightened the situation with a slight laugh, pushing that thought to the back of his mind. It was quite possible that Park was looking for prospects and his search would have been much easier if Neil were no longer there. The job as a cardiothoracic surgeon would be perfect for Alex, he had the talent, after all he had had the best teacher.

 

"I'm just worried about Claire. And about you too, if that means anything."

The thoughts in Neil's head were spinning so that he almost felt dizzy and he exhaled heavily, lowered his gaze and shook his head.

 

"I appreciate that. But Claire is fine with her decision. I'm fine. She's leaving and I'm staying." He paused briefly.

"And as much as I respect you as a friend and colleague, don’t you ever interfere in my love life again."

Alex seemed to feel offended, his arms folded in front of his chest, his gaze averted.

"And if you do, at least do it like men do - with a beer, in a dark corner of a bar." Neil added with a laugh to lighten the mood.

A small laugh crept across Alex's face as he glanced down at his wrist at his watch.

 

"You know what, I'll keep that in mind."

For a moment, Neil tilted his head and looked at his feet, playing with the idea of ​​bringing up the next topic. Finally, he decided to do so, watching Park's face closely.

 

"In a bar, I might have asked you what's been going on between you and Reznick since you got back." He said, challenging his gaze with a cheeky grin.

Park's gaze was unreadable, but in the end he just shrugged.

 

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Neil laughed at the irony in his words.

 

"Yeah, I was expecting that." He said, giving Park a friendly pat on the back.

Even if Neil hadn't been on the trip, the change in behavior between the two wasn't exactly subtle. On top of that, he couldn't help but hear the latest gossip from the nurses, who always made it difficult to keep a secret in the hospital. Neil had often fallen victim to the hospital's gossip philosophy over the last few months, so he was all the more pleased that he had now been dealt the cards he needed to get back at his buddy.

 

 

"Good evening, gentlemen."

Park and Neil turned abruptly to the voice that had could be heard next to them. In front of them stood two police officers in their work clothes, who seemed relaxed but demanding. It was not unusual for police officers to make their rounds in the city's busy places, but Neil could not remember ever being approached by anyone in this situation.

 

"Anything alright, officer?" asked Park.

 

"We would be very grateful if you could help us with something." The young officer said and took a step forward. Her expression showed no emotion, so it was impossible to see what the matter was about. She pulled a cell phone out of her pocket and showed the two of them the display, which showed a small child with a yellow jacket and curly hair.

"We're looking for this boy, his mother said she only lost sight of him for a few seconds and now he's gone." Her partner also stepped a little closer and gave them both a questioning look.

 

"He's been missing for more than forty minutes, but since he's still very young, he won't have gotten far without outside influence." Alex and Neil shook their heads, as they were sure they hadn't seen him - as sure as they could have been, as they hadn't paid much attention to the people around them.

 

"Sorry, I don't think we saw him." Park finally said and Neil looked at the young woman who was still holding out the display to him.

 

"No, but we'll keep our eyes open. Where can we find the mother if we see anything?"

The police pointed in the direction they had come from and explained in detail what clothes the boy was wearing when he disappeared and how they could contact them or the child's parents and what else they could look out for.

Park took a step away from the others and narrowed his eyes.

 

"Now, I don't mean to be like this, but... isn't that him?"

He pointed to a direction a little to their left, where a little boy with brown curls and a yellow jacket was busy running after the ducks that had gathered in the large lawn.

The officers looked at the phone again and back at the child to be sure. And then again.

 

"That's him!" The male officer ran toward the child while the woman took her radio from her shoulder and made an announcement that the search had been successful. Then she giggled softly, a sound that was unexpected. The cute, soft sound didn't match her demeanor, but as her face relaxed, little dimples appeared.

 

"Well, look at those two lifesavers," she said and Park laughed.

 

"We're glad we were able to help." The woman smiled and for a moment her gaze landed on Neil. When he lingered on him for a moment longer, he tilted his head slightly, a small smile on his lips.

The woman hesitated for a second, but then looked away. Park looked back and forth between Neil and the woman, analyzing the tense silence between them, but said nothing.

 

"Thank you for the help. And have fun running," she said before turning around with a smile and disappearing in the direction of her partner.

Neil and Park watched her for a moment before Neil shrugged.

 

"Lifesaver both professionally and privately, huh." He slapped Park on the back again in a friendly manner and when he didn't react, he turned to him and noticed the slightly crooked smile on his face.

"What?" Park patted him on the shoulder as well before he started jogging again.

 

"I think we'll have to have a beer sometime," he called as he ran away and Neil also rolled his eyes and went back to jogging.

 

 

****

 

The week was slowly coming to an end and Neil was back to his stressful everyday life. In the meantime he was doing operations much more often and he noticed how much he had missed it when he had taken over Audrey's job for a few weeks. Working with Shaun so often brought him to life in his OR and for the first time Neil had the feeling that he was learning more from Shaun than the other way around and it made him feel good. He was proud of him, of how he had developed and he enjoyed being able to learn something new and develop further.

At lunch he met Dr. Glassman, whom he had last seen when he was still in the hospital after the earthquake. The two took the opportunity to talk and Dr. Glassman mentioned how happy he had been that the trip to Guatemala had done Shaun so much good. Apparently he had been worried about Shaun and Lea, as they had lost their child not too long ago. But both had been able to take something positive out of their trip.

 

"Oh, Neil, before I forget - I had a letter delivered for you today. I had it brought to your office," Aaron said as he stood up and started to take his tray away.

Neil nodded and waved goodbye before choking down the sandwich that was in front of him. He hadn't felt like eating lately.

As he chewed on the bread, he saw the face of Dr. Chase, who was already on his way to him. He had completely forgotten that he had arranged to meet him to go over the case they had worked on with Shaun yesterday. He sighed, not really feeling like going over it all again after spending the previous evening updating the files. Normally he would have referred him to his other residents, but Neil knew that going over a case with Shaun again when you didn't understand something was just as good as not going over it at all.

 

"Come with me, Chase. I have to go to my office, we'll talk on the way there."

Chase nodded gratefully and on their way they discussed the case, why a certain procedure was being performed, why it was important to do it as quickly as possible and so on. Neil was sure that Dr. Chase knew all of these things himself, as he usually answered the questions himself. He encouraged him and told him that the most important thing as a surgeon was self-confidence, because if you didn't have that, there was no reason why patients should put their trust in you.

 

"You can put your things there, I'll be right back, give me a moment."

Chase sat down in the designated seat and watched Neil close the door to his office.

 

The envelope on the table immediately stood out - it was red and decorated with some flowers. Neil reached for it skeptically and turned it over in his hand to find out who the letter was from. Unfortunately, the envelope didn't reveal anything.

Dr. Chase watched him through the thin glass that separated his office and the residents' lounge and Neil turned his back to him. It wasn't as if he could see anything from where he was sitting, but a little privacy wouldn't hurt - assuming that Neil had no idea what was in the envelope.

 

As soon as he opened it and read the first few lines, his heart warmed.

It was a thank you letter from a patient who had been saved by his team last year. She told him what her new life looked like now, how many opportunities she now had in her life. That she had given birth to her first child a few weeks ago and that all of this had only been possible because of him. He had saved her life. He had made all these things possible.

While the words felt good and went down like oil, they still allowed for a certainty.

Neil remembered this case very well, as she had a particularly difficult condition and for a long time there was no hope of a cure. But in the end there was a way out and it wasn't him who found the solution. It was Claire. She had spent the whole night in the hospital, leafing through every old medical book she could find. She had stayed there when everyone had already told her to leave. So he had allowed her to take on the most important part of the operation, which she had also mastered with flying colors. He still remembered that he wanted to congratulate her on the successful operation when he caught her doing a dance of joy in the hospital corridors because she thought no one was watching.

It had been his patient, but it was Claire who had saved her.

But not a word from her in the letter.

It was not to be expected that she would stand out as much as she did, he was her attending ...

And that's when Neil realized that it was not up for debate whether he could go with Claire. He knew that she would always be in his shadow, regardless of her talent. In his presence she would never have the opportunity to shine. He had to step aside and make room for her. Room to find herself and grow beyond herself. And that was the moment when Neil actually understood Claire, her decision, as painful as it was - it made sense. It was not a decision against him, but one for herself.

The vibration of his cell phone tore Neil out of his thoughts. The letter disappeared into his drawer, within reach, so that he could always look at it when he forgot the reason for all this.

Not paying too much attention to the display, he answered the call and greeted the caller.

"Hey Neil, do you have a minute?"

Speaking of the devil.

 

"Claire, sure. What's up?" The background noise from her side suggested that Claire was still busy packing. There was a loud rumbling and rustling noise, which she excused.

 

"I just went over my plan for Sunday and um." She hesitated, whether it was because she was busy putting her things away or because she didn't know what she wanted to say, it wasn't quite clear.

"I was wondering if you could maybe drive me to the airport? My suitcase is pretty big and well, you're the one with the biggest car of all the people I know." She added, laughing and with a playful undertone.

Neil grinned at the comment as he opened his calendar in front of him. He knew that he didn't really have time, but wanted to play it safe. The party, which Claire didn't know about yet, was on Saturday evening and Neil had to work early the next day.

 

"Hm, when does your flight leave?" The first glance at his schedule revealed that there wasn't actually a good time to go to the airport. Claire mumbled something to herself and the sound of pages turning could be heard.

 

"Departure would be four o'clock in the afternoon. I would have to be there about two hours beforehand, of course. More or less.”

Neil sighed, because everything in him was reluctant to leave her hanging. Patient appointments were scheduled for early afternoon, and he was not due to have an operation with Dr. Chase until the evening.

 

“Hmm,” he grumbled.

 

“It’s okay if you can’t. I can also take a taxi, that’s perfectly fine.”

 

Neil mentally sorted the appointments so that it would somehow have been possible, but no matter what he tried, he couldn’t be in two places at once. Desperately searching for a solution, his gaze wandered around his office and stopped at the glass wall that separated his office and the residents’ lounge. Dr. Chase, who was now busy going through the documents in front of him, was still waiting for Neil. A smile appeared on Neils lips.

 

“It’s alright. I’ll manage something.”

 

---

 

 

 

Notes:

The next one is going to be longer and emotional ;)

Chapter 4: One last Dance

 

---

 

Neil rarely felt as old as he did this evening. As if he were a real mood killer, he sat at the bar, drinking his juice and watching Alex standing on the small stage with his son, shouting the lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody into the microphone painfully incorrectly. The whole thing would be much easier to bear if he were as drunk as the others, but since he had to work early the next morning, he tried to keep his alcohol level as low as possible. But since it was only the beginning of the evening, he wasn't so sure if he could stick to it.

He was glad that he had at least been able to organize the trip to the airport tomorrow. Dr. Chase had once again proven himself to be a lifesaver and had agreed to take over the patient consultations that were scheduled for the early afternoon. So Neil had to show up at the hospital early and make some preparations, but he would also have the opportunity to disappear for a few hours in the afternoon.

It felt strange that the evening of farewell had already arrived. The month had flown by and all preparations were complete, so Claire could leave the next day. She was really happy about the surprise party, but as she admitted, Shaun had already blurted out the surprise a few days ago, so it was less of a surprise, but still a party. All of her colleagues were there, even if only for a short time. The closest circle had been given the whole evening off, so they could all say goodbye properly.

 

"Hello, Dr. Melendez." Shaun pushed himself onto the bar stool next to Neil and ordered another drink.

"What song did you choose?" Neil pulled a face. There was really nothing that would have irritated him less than stepping onto a stage in front of his colleagues and having to sing some 70s or 80s hit. Especially since he was almost completely sober.

"Oh no, Shaun, I'm not going to sing today." Shaun tilted his head.

"That doesn't make sense, it's karaoke night. Everyone sings something tonight. You're invited too, so you have to sing something too."

Neil mumbled something into his glass, but Shaun had turned his attention back to the stage.

 

"I usually enjoy karaoke," he said and took a big sip of his drink.

"But not today, today I'm sad."

Neil followed Shaun's gaze and saw Claire on the dance floor, dancing  with Lea and Dr. Glassman. They cheered Park and Kellan on stage while the women sang along to the lyrics.

"I'm going to miss Claire, she's my best friend." Shaun's voice had a sad undertone - at least as much as it would’ve been possible for Shaun.

 

"I know, Shaun. This must be difficult for you. But she's not gone." He convinced himself and Shaun turned to him. As usual, Neil couldn't read his gaze, and even the slight nod of his head didn't make it any easier.

 

"Yes, that's true. I'll still miss her."

Neil nodded, there was nothing else he could have added. He ordered a whiskey after all, promising himself that this would be the last one for tonight.

 

"Hey, what's with the long faces?"

Shaun and Neil turned at the same time to the woman's voice that sounded behind them.

Claire's cheeks were already slightly flushed, perhaps from dancing or perhaps from the alcohol, a broad smile on her face. Before they could even answer, Audrey appeared on Neil's other side, who also seemed to be quite drunk.

 

"Guys, there's no need to mope today. We're at a party, not a funeral." Shaun shrugged and slid down from the bar stool again.

 

"Dr. Melendez said he doesn't plan on singing today." And here we go.

Audrey shook her head and dropped onto the now vacant stool, while Claire indignantly put her hand on Neil's shoulder.

"Under no circumstances am I letting you off the hook tonight. I'm not leaving until you've been on stage today." Neil pulled a cheeky face that was somewhere between a grin and a pout and raised his hands defensively.

 

"Well, then you won't leave, I guess."

Audrey laughed and Claire shook her head with a smile.

 

"We'll see about that," she said before patting him on the shoulder and going onto the stage to join Morgan and Lea.

Neil shook his head with a smile as the three of them started playing the song Run the world (girls).

He turned on his stool and let his gaze wander through the crowd. It was nice to see his friends together in such a happy and exuberant way. Alex and his son were having fun on the dance floor and Neil couldn’t help but smile. Alex became a completely different person when he was with Kellan. A freer, more exuberant and probably cooler version of the otherwise so focused Alex.

Neil couldn't help but notice Morgan's gaze, which kept going over to the two of them, and felt his suspicions confirmed. He still didn't know what to make of it. He had never been a particularly big fan of Morgan, at least when it came to her character. But since he couldn't say with any certainty what was going on between the two of them, he didn't want to form an opinion.

 

"You do realize, I won't let you go until you've sung either." Audrey grinned and held her glass in his direction, with which he clinked his glasses.

 

"Do you suspect a hidden talent in me that I haven't told you about yet, or are you just longing for me to embarrass myself?" he asked, laughing and looking at the stage.

Even though the three had already drunk quite a bit, they still put on a pretty good performance and Neil dreaded the thought of how he would do. Sure, impressing people who were drunk wasn't particularly difficult, but finding the courage to do so was even more so.

 

"Maybe I just want you to have a little fun too." She hesitated for a moment and then pointed to her friends on the dance floor. "They're our people now. In the blink of an eye, we'll no longer be their bosses. As scary as it is, we'll just be colleagues." Audrey pulled a face. "So there's nothing embarrassing about this anymore. It's just about having fun, loosen up a bit."

With that, she finished her drink and made her way to the dance floor. With a meaningful wave of her hand, she motioned for Neil to follow her, leading for him to roll his eyes.

Audrey was probably right. It was Claire's last night in this group and they had no idea when she would be coming back. It wasn't fair to anyone to be the mood killer. Shaun danced euphorically in front of the stage, Aaron's arm resting on his shoulder. Even Kellan sang along to the song as loudly as he could while Alex filmed him. Neil grabbed another beer and then followed Audrey to cheer on the women's trio's final verses.

 

As Neil began to get into the whole evening, he became more relaxed and actually enjoyed the whole thing. Cheering on Shaun, who was now on stage singing some song Neil didn't know, he let the others encourage him to dance along. Even if he wasn't quite as into it as Audrey or Morgan, who had now held hands and were doing wild dance moves from the 80s, he still felt the energy rising within him. He looked around the room, saw how everyone was enjoying themselves and couldn't help but smile. It seemed to be the perfect evening.

As soon as Shaun had finished his song, he celebrated a little exuberantly before leaving the stage and making room for the next volunteer. Apparently everyone had already fulfilled their quota, as no one else took his place. As Neil was already on his way back to the bar, he heard Kellan call out.

"And now the older ones!" and turned around skeptically. He wasn’t saying what he tought he just did ... but when he looked at Kellan, he realized that he actually meant him. The boy looked in the direction of Dr. Glassman, Audrey and Neil. And while Glassman and Neil were offended, Audrey raised her hands triumphantly and made her way to the microphone.

 

"You can't tell me that anyone actually felt addressed by that." Glassman grumbled indignantly. Kellan raised his hands dismissively and received a gentle slap on the back of the head from his father.

 

"Sorry."

Neil rolled his eyes, but couldn't hide the smile. He still vividly remembered how Audrey and the others in his year thought exactly the same thing about Aaron. Time flew by.

 

Now Audrey was on the stage, flipping through the song selection while chewing on the straw in her mouth. It was pretty obvious by now that she was already pretty drunk and Morgen and Alex were whispering about it, but it wasn't negative talk, it seemed like they were just having fun. In a good way. All eyes were on her as she grabbed the microphone and turned to the others. She smiled down at her friends and took another sip of her drink before speaking.

"Okay, even if this isn't an official event, I feel like I still have to give something like a speech."

Alex and Morgan started booing, which Lea and Shaun joined in a short while later. Soon the whole group was shouting 'Sing, Sing, Sing,' but Lim raised her hands with a grin and persisted.

"Okay, okay. I’ll make it quick.“ She smiled. „When I look around this room, I see some very talented people, damn, some of the best surgeons I've ever met are gathered here." Now she had the attention of the audience, who cheered her on.

"And tonight is a very special evening for all of us. Because today we‘re saying goodbye." Raising the glass in her hand in Claire's direction, she began to smile.

Neil looked at Claire, who was looking down in dramatic shame. The big grin on her face, however, made it clear that she was comfortable.

"Today we are saying goodbye to Dr. Claire Browne to see her off to a new phase of her life. Claire, I haven't told you this often because I don't like to give away my cards, but you were my favorite from the start."

The group started clapping again and Claire made a small heart gesture in Audrey's direction.

"Maybe it's because I saw so much of myself in you. Maybe it's because of your big heart. But - if you still remember," she said in an exaggeratedly casual way. "You were the first in your year to be trusted to perform a solo operation."

A big smile formed on Claire's face.

"And by then you had convinced us all how much you had in you and how much was hidden behind the insecure facade. And I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say that we are incredibly proud of you, Claire."

Audrey raised her glass, the others immediately understood the gesture and also raised their glasses towards Claire's.

"We are already proud of you and what you have become and we can hardly wait to see what you will achieve, simply because you want to." Claire also raised her glass and Neil could see how moved she was, even though he was standing so far away from her.

"And that's why" She pointed to Neil and Glassman. "The older ones will dedicate this song to you."

While Claire started to laugh, Neil pulled a face, everything in him resisted going on stage.

 

"Come on, Glassi," Lea called and Neil felt someone's hand pushing him forward. Gritting his teeth, more out of reluctance, Neil decided to surrender to his fate and pulled Aaron onto the stage with him. And although Aaron also resisted, the shouts of his friends and colleagues encouraged him, so that a short time later the three of them secured their place on the small area. Neil was still not particularly enthusiastic about the singing performance, so he was glad that Audrey had already grabbed the microphone and chosen the song. With the beer in his hand, he let his gaze wander through the crowd and couldn't help but smile when he saw the faces of his friends cheering them on with euphoria.

Audrey had chosen the song 'With or Without you' by U2 and Neil rolled his eyes knowingly. That was Audrey's go-to song when they used to celebrate their residency in the karaoke bars.

The first notes of the song began to play and Audrey gave a performance that she would not have been able to achieve sober, so Neil and Aaron left the spotlight to her while they were content with the role of backing singers. Starting with quiet background murmuring, the chorus of the song captivated the two of them so much that they sang along at the top of their lungs. The uncertainty that Neil had felt just a few minutes ago had disappeared with the euphoria of the others, so that he now enjoyed every moment that he spent on stage with his friends.

 

Even minutes after their song, no one could talk about any other performance than the one the three had put on. Everyone celebrated extensively and laughed together about the odd off-key note that was sung. It was a lovely evening and it was almost a bitter irony for Neil that it was now so easy to have such a party with his residents without anyone seeing a problem with it. It would have made so many things so much easier if this had been done earlier. Maybe it would have changed everything.

 

****

 

The evening was slowly drawing to a close when it was finally Claire who stepped onto the stage to the applause of the others. The smile that had not left her face all evening made her eyes shine and Neil could not remember ever having seen Claire so completely full of joy. It was as if she was radiating outwards all the warmth that she carried within her at that moment, as if she was surrounded by a warm light that drew everyone's attention to her. As if she captivated everyone who even caught a glimpse of her. She was so beautiful.

"I think it's time I say something. Although - " Her hand made an all-encompassing movement across the room. "I have no idea if there are even the right words for this. I am so utterly grateful to all of you for this evening, you have no idea what this means to me." She sighed heavily as she looked into the faces of the others. Gripping the microphone tightly with both hands, a soft and warm smile formed on her lips.

"So, uhm, I know some of you already know this story, but I think it's more important that each of you has heard it." Her eyes met Neil's for a brief, almost unnoticeable moment.

"As you know, my relationship with my mother was never easy and one thing has never really left me … When I was little and actually into adulthood, she told me over and over again that I would end up like her - always putting my trust in the wrong people. She made sure, I always remembered that noone would every truly love me. Noone execpt her." For a split second, Claire's face twisted in pain before she sighed loudly again and addressed the crowd in front of her again.

"And you are the people who showed me that this is not true. I am so glad that I put my trust in you, because that way I could see what incredibly great people you are. You make me feel loved and not alone. You are my family and I wouldn't trade that for anything in this world." Claire was now fighting back tears, but she shook them off with a loving laugh.

"I wish she were here today so she could see who these people are that have made my life so incredibly worth living."

Claire began to tell a short, loving or funny story about each and every one of those present, but Neil was hardly listening properly anymore. Only now did this evening actually feel like a farewell. It was as if it was now becoming reality. As heavy as the pressure on his chest was, Neil was delighted by how many people appreciated Claire, how many people stood behind her and how many people wished her nothing but the best. It was as if everyone around her had finally realized what a great person she was.

They also just all laughed together when she told the story of how Neil had kicked her off his team when they had disagreed. No one questioned what exactly it was about Claire anymore. They were all just together to appreciate the beautiful person she was.

 

"I'm so lucky to have people in my life who make it so hard to say goodbye." A tear crept down her cheek and that was her cue to change the mood. "So, this is for my beautiful, messed up family. I love you all so much."

She picked a song and started singing, her voice full of passion and love.

 

"Standing at the station

We don't know what to say

Looking out the window

As you're rolling away

If I'm gonna be alone

Let it be with you"

 

Neil had meanwhile retreated to the bar, where he was now leaning and watching Claire. His heart was warmed by the feeling she was giving off. It was almost peaceful, the way they were all gathered together and listening to Claire's beautiful voice as she was saying goodbye. The bond between them was palpable and as Neil looked into the faces of the people who had gathered for her, he felt certain.

All the people who loved Claire so much were ready to let her go. As much as they may have wanted her to stay, the support she received from them to go her own way was stronger. If all these people who loved her so much were able to let her go, then so was he.

It was okay that things had turned out the way they had, it was okay that their story together hadn't gone any further than this point. It would always be a story of maybes, possiblys and almosts and as tragic as that might have seemed, it felt all the more right at this point in their story. He had to let her go and he was ready to do that. For her.

 

"Everything's gonna be alright

I know you believe it, too

If I'm gonna be alone

Then let it be with you

If I'm gonna be alone

Then let it be with you

Look up

Not down

It all comes around

Even when we're gone

We can always come back to this

Look up

Not down

It all comes around

Even when you're gone

We can always come back to this"

 

****

 

Slowly everyone had started to make their way home again, the only ones left were Glassman, who was waiting for Shaun, who was talking to Claire. Lea, who was calling a taxi, and Neil, who was fiddling with the label on his beer while waiting. He had offered to drive Claire home, as he was the only one still fit to drive, but she wanted to end the party with Shaun and Lea. Still, Neil wanted to make sure that she made it home safely, even if he only saw her get into the taxi. Alex and his son were the first to leave, sometime around midnight, and Morgan only lasted half an hour longer and then set off as well.

The music had now become just a quiet background noise that barely drowned out the chatter of the others. Aaron dropped onto the bar stool next to Neil and put a friendly arm around his shoulder.

"What a night." He said and Neil held out his bottle to toast him. "But, oh son, we were really bad up there."

 

"Are you kidding? We were terrible." They shared a laugh and reassured each other that the others were probably too drunk to really notice. They both knew that wasn't the case, but it didn't stop them from making jokes about them. It was easy to have a good conversation with Aaron, to have fun with him, Neil had almost forgotten. But as they lost themselves in stories about Neil's residency under Aaron's care, he felt the connection between them blossom again.

 

"May I have the dance?" Neil and Aaron turned in their seats to look at Claire's face, who held out her hand towards Neil. She certainly looked a little drunk, but the smile on her face was genuine. Neil raised his eyebrows in amusement and Aaron also grinned slightly.

"What?" Neil asked, his voice still amused. Claire shrugged and held out her hand even further.

 

"Well, it's the last dance of the evening, so it's only too fitting to dance with the prom king."

Aaron laughed again while Neil let his gaze wander over Claire's shoulders and looked at Shaun and Lea, who were now dancing together. It was a slow, romantic song and Neil's teeth clenched. Leaving Claire standing was of course out of the question, but it still took some effort for him to agree to the dance. Not that he didn't want to dance with her, but their last dance together was so etched in his mind that he couldn't say whether it was a good idea to do it again. But Claire's demanding expression put an end to any doubts and Neil hesitantly slid down from his bar stool. Glassman gave them both a smile and for a brief moment Neil felt guilty about leaving him sitting there alone, but when Claire reached for his hand, he couldn't think of anything else.

Claire pulled him relatively close to the speakers so that the song, which would have been much too quiet for dancing, seemed a little louder before she turned to him with a smile. For a moment he could have lost himself in her gaze, but as soon as she loosely put her arms around his neck, his thoughts were everywhere and nowhere. There was still a certain distance between them, so Neil had to stretch his hands relatively far to put them on her waist.

The dance was different from the last one. It was more intimate and Neil felt how much time had passed, how much had happened between them. They were no longer strangers who just liked each other in some way. They were more, even if that more couldn't be defined exactly.

He didn't know exactly where he should have looked, but when she looked up at him and gave him a big smile, he couldn't help but return it. Suddenly it didn't matter who else was watching them or what was happening around them. All that was important now was this moment.

Neil felt his heart beating faster, but tried not to let it show. To make it easier for himself, he looked away and simply concentrated on the slow rhythmic movements and the far too cheesy song playing in the background. Claire followed suit and they allowed the silence, and with it the closeness that was building between them. It could have been minutes, or even hours that they had spent together like this, it was hard to say. For the first time in a long time, Neil's head was completely silent, he wasn't thinking about his mistakes, about the things he should or shouldn't have said. He wasn't thinking about the future. All he thought about was Claire's warm arms wrapped around him and her body under his fingertips. His touches were gentle, as if he was afraid that this moment could be destroyed or interrupted if he really touched her. This moment should never have ended.

 

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home? Not sure if that's your best option." Neil asked, nodding towards Shaun and Lea, who were dancing and kissing, their arms around each other. Claire followed his gaze and giggled slightly to herself. She shrugged.

 

"Well, actually, Shaun insisted that I come with them. He has a present for me too." Neil raised his eyebrow skeptically. He knew that Claire was very important to Shaun, but until that moment he hadn't imagined that Shaun had actually bought her a present.

 

"Well, let's hope it's not a Spanish dictionary. That would be embarrassing." Claire laughed at Neil's theatrical tone and Neil grinned.

 

"Anyway, thanks for your offer, but I'll at least stop by for a quick visit. Um, If they rip their clothes off in front of me, it's my own fault." She glanced over at them again before looking back up at Neil.

"But don't worry, you won't have to miss me for that long. You can drive me around tomorrow." Neil twisted his face into a crooked grin.

 

"Yes, exactly." He wanted to add something else, but Claire, who had apparently been too distracted by the other two, tripped over her feet, so Neil had to hold her down, otherwise she would have fallen. Claire giggled slightly embarrassed.

 

"Sorry," she mumbled. With the next cheeky remark already on his lips, Neil was taken by surprise when she wrapped her arms around his neck again. This time she left hardly any space between them and Neil had to swallow hard. At first he didn't know what to do with himself or his hands or any other part of his body, but then he looked into Claire's innocent smile. He put his arms on her hips again, but at least tried to keep her far enough away from him, so that she couldn't feel his heartbeat, racing in his chest. He avoided her gaze, but couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face.

 

"You are out of your mind," he said, his mood not as confident as he would have liked. His eyes found their way to hers, sparkling cheekily.

 

"Why?" she whispered innocently. Neil looked away again, because he didn't dare at that moment. The corners of his mouth turned up into a grin, more a sign of uncertainty than a happy smile.

 

"You know why." She knew why. There wasn't a chance that she didn't feel it, that she didn't feel what she was doing to him and how much strength it cost him to resist her. He wasn't sure why Claire was playing with fire now, why she was torturing him like that, but he liked that side of her - cheeky and confident. Neil wished he'd had more time to get to know that side of her. The heavy swallow that was supposed to stop him from taking a step further was only of limited help.

It seemed as if Claire wanted to say something to that, but she didn't. Instead, she closed her eyes and listened to the music playing quietly in the background. Fighting the tension that had built up between them, Neil did the same and just let the music carry him away. It was just the two of them, holding each other and forgetting everything that was going on around them. For that moment, everything was right, everything was peaceful. It wasn’t just a dance, it was the shared glances and unspoken words and the uncharted territory that lay between them. The desire to bridge that gap that they had forced between them, to explore what could have been. It was her body under his hands, their rapidly beating hearts, the feeling of being close to the person you longed for most. It was the feeling of being so attracted to another body that it seemed absolutely impossible to resist. It was her scent in his nose, her hair tickling his chin, the feeling of being complete.

It wasn’t just a dance.

And Neil had the thought that in another life they would laugh about what kept them apart in this one.

 

****

 

The next day, the previous evening felt like a distant memory, warm and comfortable, but unreal. Neil had been unable to think of anything other than their last dance all night. What he couldn't have known at the time was that this memory had become ingrained in him and would keep him busy for much longer than he realized.

Neil stuck to the plan he and Dr. Chase had made as best he could to make sure everything was as it should be. However, his nervousness got in the way and he was much less focused than usual. He was lucky that Dr. Chase had been well prepared for the day, so he left work a little earlier than planned. He promised him that he would stay longer afterwards to compensate for this and take on the follow-up work that he would normally have passed on to his resident. The most important thing was to get the whole trip over with as easily as possible and not think about it too much.

After discussing it with Claire, he set off a little earlier to see her so that she could go through everything she might need for her trip with him. When he arrived at the parking lot in front of her apartment, he had a feeling that he would not be able to shake off all day. It was like a stone in his stomach. And even if he kept telling himself that today was a good day, he couldn't really convince his subconscious of that.

He picked her up from upstairs and the first moment of their reunion was strange and tense. They both covered up the unusual atmosphere by talking as much as they could and hardly leaving any time for silence. It felt forced and both were aware of that, but the silence was unbearable.

He helped her take her suitcase and travel bag to his car and then loaded them into his trunk while Claire looked at the apartment building one last time and probably thought about everything she had experienced there. Maybe she also wondered if she would ever go back there. At least that was what Neil did.

 

In the car, Neil turned up the radio, even though he could hardly concentrate on what was playing. It was as if they had left all the words they could have said in Claire's apartment and now it was silent between them. The air in the car seemed electrified, it was as if the car was suddenly much too small, his thoughts much too loud, but Neil surrendered to his fate and decided to just drive.

He drove slowly, there was no need to rush, they had left much too early. And even if he hadn't, he probably wouldn't have had the heart to drive any faster. He was too dreading arriving at his destination.

So he just drove.

Out past the city, past the street signs that flew past them much too fast, until the road was nothing but shadows and curves. It felt like driving on autopilot.

The drive remained silent, except for the sound of her breathing, uneven and shallow. She was nervous.

He kept his hands on the wheel, and eyes on the road, too afraid to look over. The chance of looking into her eyes and getting lost in them and turning around as quickly as possible was far too great.

Claire shifted nervously in her seat, checking the contents of her bag over and over again, knowing that everything important was in there. From her bag she pulled out the framed picture that Shaun had given her last night. It was the photo from their first day of residency, all of them so young, uncertain and distant. It was a great gift, it reminded Claire of how far she had come. She held it tightly, ran her fingers gently over the glass and smiled.

"Can I ask you something?" The sound of her voice was like a knife cutting through the thick air in the car. Neil didn't look over at her, trying to sound as relaxed as possible.

 

"Sure."

 

"How are you feeling about the whole situation? Like ... about me leaving?"

Neil's eyes focused on the road ahead, but his mind was racing. The last thing he wanted was to think about how he was feeling, something he was trying desperately to suppress the whole time.

 

"Well, that's a pretty big step and I think you can be proud - " She raised her hand, stopping him in mid-sentence.

 

"Let me rephrase that. How are you feeling about it, the whole teacher-friendly facade aside?"

He could feel her gaze in the corner of his eye and he tried to find the right words for the situation. It was obvious that she would no longer accept excuses and little lies, so there was nothing left but the truth. The question was how much of the truth he was ready to tell. He sighed heavily.

 

"Well, this is a difficult situation and I think, well, uhm, we both have to learn to deal with it." She didn't look away and for a brief moment he dared to look at her too. It was impossible to see what was going on inside her. "And of course I'm sad that you're leaving. Come on, Who else is going to reprimand me in my own OR if I can't get over my ego?" Her laughter broke through the awkward situation and suddenly it was as if all the negative thoughts had disappeared with her laughter. A smile appeared on his lips and it felt at least partially sincere. "But I'm still proud of you. And I think sometimes …“ He paused again. „Sometimes, going for one thing, is going without the other."

That was the moment when he consciously looked at her and she felt the meaning in his words. If she hadn't known until that moment that Neil felt the way he did about her, he was sure that she did in that second. She was aware that she was choosing against him and for an uncertain future. His eyes were locked with hers to emphasize his words. Whether she wanted to say anything or not, a few moments later they arrived at the airport and Neil looked for a parking space that was not too far from the entrance.

When he found one, he turned the key and left the two of them in complete silence. He sighed and shook his head before looking at her again.

"It's okay, Claire."

Her look made it clear that it wasn't okay, but it had to be at that moment. She sighed and turned to the window, away from his warm gaze, as if the answers to the questions that neither of them had dared to ask were out there.

Neil looked at the clock and even though it reassured him a little that they still had enough time, it felt like a blessing and a curse at the same time. The time was endless and yet it passed far too quickly.

 

"You know I'll miss you the most, right?" Knowing full well that she wasn't being ironic, Neil shrugged and waved her off.

 

"I expected it. I mean, have you met me?" Rolling her eyes and smiling slightly, Claire waved him off. There was a strange feeling between them, they knew they both still had things to say, but the right words couldn't have been found at that moment.

 

"But I mean it." Claire added, this time her voice was more serious, but almost like a whisper. Neil flinched slightly when he felt the warmth of her hand closing around his, but he didn't resist. His hand closed around hers too. "You saved me. You pulled me from waters I didn't know I was drowning in.“ A tired laugh escaped her lips.“ You saved me when I didn't want to be saved. I want you to know that." The tone in her voice made Neil's stomach clench. It was so final and yet filled with so much love that it scared him. "You changed me. You are the reason I can be here today and I will never forget that." Her gaze was intense and tightened Neil's throat. He wanted to tell her that she had saved herself, that he was just in the right place at the right time, that she didn't need him. But instead he just nodded and stared at their locked hands.

Her hand held his so tightly, as if she was afraid he would take it away, and he did the same with hers.

"I'm going to miss you." She whispered. That was something he knew the answer to.

 

"I'll miss you too." the sound of his voice, no more than a whisper. Even if he had tried to speak louder, he would not have been able to.

 

They sat there for a few more minutes before finally deciding that Claire should head off to her flight. It was clear to both of them that the time had come. Neil got out and walked to the passenger side to open it for Claire. But she didn't come out right away and he decided to give her the time she needed. So he went to his trunk and put all her things outside. He stood there for what felt like hours, before she finally got out. The smile had returned to her lips, even if it was cautious and uncertain. Neil returned it and pushed her suitcases onto the curb next to them. When she stood in front of him, she said nothing, he said nothing. Fiddling with her fingers, she looked up at him and sighed heavily.

"I'll call as often as I can." Neil smiled and nodded.

 

"I hope so. You have to tell me if my great Spanish lessons helped you out." He added with a grin, although he wasn't in the mood for jokes, and neither was Claire, who just nodded. She seemed lost, overwhelmed and so small compared to her plans. Neil put his hand on her arm, wanting nothing more than to comfort her.

"You deserve to be happy, Claire." He said and her eyes met his. He tried to memorize the green in them, the glow that emanated from them.

 

"You too."

This time it was easier for both of them to bridge the distance between them, it was natural. They had already crossed that line emotionally last night, nothing was stopping them from doing it again.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, her body pressed closely against his. They were so close, he could feel her heart beating, so fast he felt like it would burst out of her chest.

No one dared to move, they just stood there, holding each other, hoping this moment would never end. However, Neil knew that if he didn't let go now, he probably never would. So he loosened his embrace, but still held her tightly. He looked into her eyes and smiled. It was agonizing to accept the distance between them again, the warmth of her body still felt on his, after it had been so liberating to finally allow what they had longed for for so long.

 

"I'm really proud of you." He said, but the smile on her face revealed that she already knew that. Then she grabbed her suitcases and left. She turned around and waved goodbye, but then she walked through the airport doors and Neil lost sight of her.

He loved what had been between them, he loved every single bit of it and he wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world.

Even though it would have been poetic if she had turned around to be with him, if she had chosen him, he was also glad, however painful it had been, that she hadn't.

 

****

 

It felt surreal to go back to work that afternoon. Neil's mind was empty, he was on autopilot. Luckily, Dr. Chase had done a great job, so he was able to walk right into the OR with him as soon as he got back to the hospital. It was a good distraction and it was almost as if nothing had changed, even if it had.

Dr. Chase stayed a little longer after the operation to help Neil with the follow-up work, but at some point Neil insisted that he go home. It was getting late and he had done most of his work that day, so it was only fair that he would go. Apart from that, it was liberating for Neil to be alone. He had nothing to hide and nothing to say, but he was happy to just be alone with his work, which didn't demand anything of him.

Even when he had finished, he didn't go home straight away, but stepped out onto the balcony where he had stood countless times before to clear his head. It was already dark, the street lamps were lit and Neil sighed contentedly as the cool breeze hit him. He leaned against the railing and breathed in the fresh air, it was peaceful. His gaze lifted and stopped on the dark sky, lit up by the many stars. As a plane glided across the sky in the distance, Neil imagined that Claire was up there too at that moment, probably watching the stars too, just from a different perspective.

A little lost in thought, he almost didn't notice that the door behind him opened and Audrey came out to join him.

"Well, good news," she said as he turned to her and leaned on the railing as well. She looked down at the people whose chatter interrupted the silence of the night like a quiet background noise.

"I sat down with the committee again regarding Dr. Chase. And since Claire is now gone for good, we have a place free for him so that he can stay with us next year." Neil smiled and nodded. It was actually good news, he didn't want to imagine how that afternoon would have gone if Dr. Chase hadn't been there.

 

"Good job, boss." He said, watching with a raised eyebrow as Audrey pulled a cigarette out of her pocket and lit it. She hardly smoked, was more of an occasional smoker, which made Neil wonder what the reason was this time and whether it had something to do with her panic attacks, which he had thought she had under control by now.

 

"So, how are you?" she asked, looking into his eyes. She looked tired, but her gaze was full of compassion.

 

"Well, I'm fine. What about you?" Pointing to the cigarette, he turned to face her completely. She ignored his comment, but turned to face her too. Taking another deep drag, she exhaled heavily.

 

"I mean, how are you doing ,regarding Claire?" He could have guessed that was why she had asked, but he really didn't feel like talking anymore. He tried to shrug it off as noncommittally as possible.

 

"Ah, I successfully dropped her off at the airport today and I expect she'll call again when she arrives. That probably won't happen until late at night, though, so … yeah."

Audrey watched every motion on his face, and for a moment it seemed as if she was going to accept that answer. She turned away from him again, her arms resting casually on the railing and taking a drag on her cigarette.

 

"Do you finally want to be honest with me about what happened between you two?" Neil clenched his teeth, thinking that Claire had always been a taboo subject between them, even before he realized he had feelings for her. Audrey and the hospital had been the main reason why he had kept quiet for so long, why he had never confessed his feelings. At least that's what he told himself. "It doesn't matter anymore, she's gone. I'm not going to lecture you about whether it was right or not," she finally added, as if she could read his mind.

Neil looked up at the sky and sighed. It was good to have a friend by his side now and to finally be able to speak openly about everything that had created such a distance between him and Audrey. He folded his arms, his gaze not on her.

 

"There was something. Feeling-wise. But we ... I never acted on it." The look on Audrey's face suggested that she didn't buy it hundred percent, but she said nothing and he ignored her. „I never acted on it. So what's there to say about it? I didn't get my heart broken. It's not like I lost my partner or my relationship." He sighed heavily as he thought back to the moments at the airport. "I just lost an opportunity."

They remained silent, Audrey nodded almost imperceptibly. She understood how that felt, even though she had never told Neil about it and probably never would. It was her charisma that made Neil feel understood and it was as if a stone had been lifted from his soul now that he had spoken out for the first time about what he had hidden for so long. His feelings for Claire. And even if he knew he was right about that, it was still an unpleasant realization. That she was not the tragic love he had lost. From a completely neutral perspective, what was between them was not as significant as it had felt. It could have been so much more, he knew that, but it was him who had chosen against it every time by not admitting his feelings. He could not be angry with Claire because she had chosen against him the last time too.

There was silence between the two of them for a while and Neil suspected that Audrey was doing the same thing he always did when she was in his situation. Giving him time to figure out for himself what he was feeling. Because just talking about it changed so much.

She threw her cigarette on the floor and crushed it with her shoe before looking at him.

"Look, It's okay that this hurts, Neil. It's okay to be sad that she's gone."Neil frowned.

 

"I do feel a certrain way about it and I'm not denying it. But in the end of the day, things happened the way they did. Whether I like it or not." He sighed. "And it's problably for the best anyway. She found her way and that's all that I could've ever asked for."Audrey put her hands on her hips and looked up at the sky, considering how to respond.

 

"Why didn't you tell her?" she asked cautiously, but the question remained unanswered. There were so many answers to that question and none could have answered it properly. Of course, in retrospect, all of those reasons seemed small and insignificant, but when he faced them head on, they seemed insurmountable, until it was too late.

"I … I just don't want you to regret not being honest, that’s all." Ready to end the conversation, Neil sighed heavily and moved away from the railing.

 

"I get it. But … That what we had was special, because she is special. She made things special. It's about her as a person. That's what I'll miss, not the what could have beens." Even though he didn't know if these two could ever be separated, it was still true. He missed her. Already.

 

"I'm sorry." Neil smiled and shoved his hands in his pockets, looking up at the sky one last time.

 

"I'm a big boy, I think I'll survive."

 

They spent a few more minutes together on the terrace, not much talk was necessary. Neil was glad to have Audrey by his side and to have talked to her about the matter. Even if it didn't change his situation, it seemed easier to get through. As they said goodbye, Audrey gently put her hand on his arm and Neil was now sure that things between them weren't as complicated as he had thought. If Audrey still had feelings for him, she hid them well. And even though Neil knew only too well that that didn't mean that she didn't have any, it felt better. It was less tense and Audrey made him feel like she truly wanted the best for him.

 

Neil just wanted to get the day over with and turn off all the confusing thoughts in his head, so he considered whether he should drive to the bar again or at least get a drink somewhere that would help him sleep. His tired body made the decision for him and he decided to just get home as quickly as possible and hope that exhaustion would do the rest for him.

He was already putting his bag on the passenger seat when he felt a slight pressure on his leg.

"Hey, what - "

When he turned around, he pulled his leg back as if by reflex. The dog, who had been cleaning his nose on Neil's pants just a few seconds ago, was now looking at him, panting. When Neil realized that he didn't seem to pose any danger, he leaned forward and patted the animal's head.

"Banjo! Banjo, come here boy!"

Neil turned to the voice that belonged to the young woman who was running towards him and the dog.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, he's not usually so cheeky, I-I just let him go for a moment and then - " Still stumbling over her own words, she raised her eyes and when hers met his, her mouth twisted into a smile. "Oh, hey, you're the one who helped us find the child in the park a few days ago!" she said as she put her dog back on the leash. Neil raised his eyebrows and wondered what the woman was talking about, as he was sure he had never seen her before. She seemed to have understood his reaction, as a brief, uncertain smile spread across her face. The moment Neil saw the dimples that had come with the smile, he immediately remembered her. He hadn't recognized her without her police uniform.

 

"Oh, sorry. Yes, of course. I just had to think for a moment because, well, I'm always busy helping people, you know?" he asked, laughing, to cover up the brief awkward situation. It seemed to work, because her smile grew wider as she stroked her dog's head.

 

"Yes, I get that. I feel the same way," she added with a laugh. The brief silence between them made Neil assume that she would say goodbye and leave, but she didn't. He watched her for a moment and then held out his hand to her.

 

"I'm Dr. Melendez. Neil." She grinned and took his hand to shake it briefly. Neil almost jumped at the coldness that emanated from her hand. She had probably been out for a while.

 

"I'm Officer Taylor. Nicole." Only now did he notice her British accent, but it was barely noticeable anymore. When she let go of his hand, Neil let his gaze fall on the large dog again, who was now sitting obediently next to his owner.

 

"So, Nicole. Who is this runaway here?" A loving smile formed on her lips as she crouched down next to him and stroked his gray fur. Neil suspected that it was a German shepherd mix, but couldn't say for sure.

 

"This is Banjo and he's normally a true gentleman and not as pushy as today. No idea what's gotten into him," she said, while making loving faces at her dog. Neil couldn't help but smile. Dog people were a very special breed of people.

"He's my first dog, so I want to do everything right with him. My family dogs used to literally eat the hair off my head. But when you live in the city, you should have your animal under control. So this is a little embarrassing for me" Nodding, Neil also patted the dog on the head, which then wagged its tail. Nicole laughed and stood up straight again, but continued to scratch Banjo behind the ear.

 

"So a real doglover then?" asked Neil and Nicole grinned from ear to ear.

 

"I love dogs."

She looked at Neil for a moment, her expression unreadable.

 

"What about you? Dog or cat person?"

 

 

---

 

 

 

Notes:

I know some of you may not be so excited about how the story unfolds, but stick with it, it will be worth it. ;)

Chapter 5: A ghost from the past

Notes:

If you want to listen to the song I referring to in this chapter its: A Glimpse of us buy Joji
I listened to it while writing the chapter and it's definitely sets the mood. And it'S obviously the main theme of this fanfiction :D

 

---

 

It was strange how quickly life could change and where it would go if you just let it. Just a few months ago his life had been completely different, he was confused and without any perspective and now ... everything was different.

 

The first few weeks since Claire had left had been difficult for Neil, he had had to accept that she had settled in quickly and probably wouldn't be back as soon as he would have liked. It had been exhausting; every day and evening he had looked at his cell phone, hoping that she would call. With his thoughts in Guatemala and all the lost moments they had shared over the last year... So much guilt, it hadn't been easy to let go. Again and again he had questioned whether he should have told her what he had felt. All of this had been so difficult for him. She had called him almost every evening and told him about her day and what progress she had made and quickly and subconsciously that became Neil's favorite time of day, so he always looked at the clock, hoping that the time would pass more quickly, that it would finally be evening. They laughed together about how easy it was for Claire to communicate locally, Neil would always mention that he had been the best teacher and Claire had agreed. They talked for hours, but it never felt like that. Time always went by so quickly, they talked about everything under the sun, about their friends in San José, about the friends Claire had made in Guatemala, they talked about everything important and everything unimportant. But they never talked about themselves. It was like an unspoken rule that they didn't talk about their feelings, about how he missed her, about how she would have liked to come back. An awkward silence on the other end of the phone when they said goodbye and neither of them knew how to do it, a clever distraction when Claire asked how he was - they danced around the truth over and over again so that it didn't have to be said.

At first, contact with her had been like a bittersweet prison for Neil. It had consumed him completely and kept him busy every single day. It was as if there was no way out, it was always just that. Claire.

 

But things had been different for some time. Almost daily calls turned into occasional emails, emails turned into text messages, which mostly went unanswered, so he stopped contacting her himself - and at some point there was almost no contact at all. Neil couldn't say exactly what the reason for this had been, and it wasn't clear who was to blame. Everything that had once connected them seemed to have simply faded away. As depressing as that had been, Neil still felt that it was so much easier for him to get on with his life. His thoughts soon stopped revolving around her, his cell phone stayed in his pocket and when images of shared memories started dancing in his head, he pushed them away. It was easier when he was no longer confronted with her, almost as if all these feelings had never existed. And it seemed so insignificant to him, the evenings they spent together in the bar, the hours-long operations, the meaningful glances, the gravity that had forced their bodies together, the sparkle in her green eyes, her gentle smile when she played with her hair. It was like another life. The past. Maybe he had simply misinterpreted his feelings for her. It was a pattern he had followed, always falling in love with a woman he had worked with. Maybe that was exactly what it had been and nothing more. They had unexpectedly gotten along so well that it could easily have been mistaken for love when in fact it had just been misclassified feelings. But that was behind him. He could concentrate on his work again. On his work and his new life. On his picture-perfect life. Everything had changed.

 

It still seemed like fate that he had met Nicole the night he had let Claire go. How could you not believe in fate when it seemed so obvious? Their meeting had been straight out of a romantic comedy - a dog choosing a partner for its owner. When he finally got involved with her, it was almost too perfect. He had followed all the rules, invited her on a romantic date, and then the next, and the next. It was only on the third date that he kissed her, and since then everything had been on autopilot. Suddenly he had everything he had wanted - a beautiful woman by his side, a good job, and a dog that had crept into his heart. Apparently he was a dog person after all. Because even if Nicole wasn't as active in her private life as Neil would have liked, he could take her dog jogging with him and it was as if everything balanced itself out. They met as often as possible, Nicole was often out of the house because she was busy with her job as a police officer, but she made an evening free at least once a week to have dinner with Neil.

Neil had everything. The only thing he was missing was feelings for her. She was beautiful, strong and smart and any man would have been happy to have her. But no matter how hard Neil tried, he didn't feel anything for her, at least not in that way. At least not yet. But she was perfect, as if made for him and that's why he was sure that the feelings had to come. They simply had to.

So he gave their relationship time, time to grow together and build something. At the moment it felt like a shoe that was one size too small - not infinitely painful, but the longer the distance that had to be covered, the more uncomfortable it became.

Nevertheless, he was sure that she would be worth it, their relationship would be worth it. Someday. She deserved the time for feelings to develop naturally over time. She deserved so much better than this – than him, distracted and hunted by someone who wasn’t there.

 

Neil felt guilty because he knew it was his fault that it wasn't as perfect as it seemed. Because he thought way too much about everything, forced perfectionism into what they had. He had these expectations that were way too high, that she could never have fulfilled because she just wasn't ... she just wasn't ...

"Hey, where are you?" Nicole whispered in his ear before kissing his neck gently. Neil cleared his throat to get out of the head that he got caught in way too often. As he ran his hands over her thighs, a slight smile formed on his lips.

 

"I'm right here." He whispered as his hands came to rest on her hips. Her breath caugh at the touch and she smiled.

 

"Then prove it to me." She breathed against his lips just before Neil closed the distance between them.

 

 

****

 

Neil let his gaze wander around the spacious bedroom. It was like another version of himself, a mirror image of his apartment. Maybe that's why he liked it here so much, maybe that was why they always met in her apartment and never at his. It just hadn't worked out yet that she would stay with him, he was sure of that. It was so much easier, she lived closer to the hospital than he did anyway. It wasn't that he didn't want her with him, because he did. Her closeness was easy to enjoy. It was more that it hadn't been the right time for him to let her into his apartment, why it felt that way, he didn't know. He just wasn't ready for it yet.

"That was great." Nicole said, wrapping her arm around him and snuggling up to him. Neil put his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him. He felt her bare skin under the covers and grinned.

 

"It always is." He said, winking.

It was always great. It was fulfilling to finally be as close to someone as Nicole again. He had missed the touch of a beautiful woman that took his breath away. He had missed hearing the sounds she made because of him, the way her body twitched under his fingers. It was a part of his life that he had neglected so much after his relationship with Audrey that he had no longer noticed how much his body had longed for it. But it was different with her. He remembered the sex with Audrey and with Jessica and it had always been passionate, every time a new experience in which he had gotten to know his partner again, found out what she particularly liked.

With Nicole it was relaxed, it was as if they had known each other forever and had been doing this together forever. It felt like a perfectly rehearsed piece, every touch planned, every reaction expected. It just wasn't exciting, it was relaxed and calm. In a certain way, mechanical. And yet it felt good, like something he still had to get used to, because it was a new version of himself. But it was good not to be alone anymore, it was good to have someone by his side who shared the same values ​​and set the same goals. It was like having found a counterpart that created perspective.

They just lay there for a while while Neil stroked her dark blonde hair.

 

"I know it's a little early to talk about it, but um..." She leaned on her forearm to look him in the eyes. An uncertain smile played on her lips. "You want to have kids, right? Well, I mean, not right away and um ... I mean in general." Smiling at how shy she seemed now, he pulled her a little closer to him.

 

"You don't really know me well, do you?" he asked, kissing her forehead. She giggled and sighed.

 

"Maybe we should actually talk more and do less of this." She waved her hands between them and Neil raised his eyebrow skeptically. "I'm just saying, I just want to know what I'm getting myself into with you. Because I want kids, but I also want you." She looked away. "I'd prefer two boys and a girl, so she'll always have her bodyguards." Neil couldn't help but laugh at how much Nicole had planned her life. She was probably one of those people who had planned her perfect wedding since she was a little girl. Her look suggested that she had misinterpreted his laughter, so Neil rolled his eyes theatrically and raised his hands defensively.

 

"Or, let me finish - two boys and two girls, for the sake of fairness." His words brought out her cute dimples and she nodded in satisfaction.

 

"That sounds like a good plan." She leaned over to him to seal the deal, but before that happened, her dog jumped into bed with them. "Banjo, how many times do I have to tell you? The bed is off limits!" she exclaimed indignantly and tried to push him off the mattress, but she had no chance against the large pet. And Banjo seemed happy with his place and had laid down between the two of them to yawn cheekily.

 

"You do know that this might work better if you actually tried using commands and didn't, you know, ask him to leave." Neil laughed, but he had already put his hand back on Banjo's head to scratch him. Nicole sighed and pressed her pillow into Neil's face before getting out of bed.

 

"Whatever, you two can do whatever you want. I have to get ready for work anyway.” she said in a feigned annoyance as she crawled out of bed.

Both Banjo and Neil seemed to be okay with that, as they both let out a satisfied grumble.

Nicole's silhouette kept emerging from the bathroom, leaving the door open. Neil heard the quiet hum of her voice, she always sang to herself in the bathroom and he was sure she didn't even notice. It was an endearing quality of hers, and it gave Neil a warm feeling in his stomach.

“So, are you coming over again this evening?” she called to him, and Neil went through his plan for the day in his head and thought about it.

 

"Well, I can if you want." Her head peeked out of the bathroom and she smiled at him with her hair shaggy.

 

"I insist."

 

"How can I say no to that?" he asked sarcastically and with a satisfied nod she disappeared back into the bathroom.

 

"Good, because I have something special planned for you tonight." Neil raised his eyebrow and waited for Nicole to elaborate, but she didn't.

 

"And what would that be?" There was a brief moment of silence, but then she came over to him and sat on the edge of the bed.

 

"You'll be surprised." Neil furrowed his eyebrows and sighed artificially.

 

"Can I at least have a hint? Please?" She smiled again, this time slightly embarrassed, her cheeks turning a little red as she avoided his gaze. Stroking Banjo's fur with her hand, she composed her words before exhaling heavily.

 

"I know we haven't been together for that long ... well ... we haven't been seeing each other for that long. But it's been ..."

 

"Almost three months." He added and she nodded. It didn't seem nearly that long to Neil. It was as if it had only been yesterday that he had met her while jogging with Park, but when he thought about how long ago Claire's farewell party had been, it seemed like an eternity.

 

"And I thought we could do something special. You come over and I'll make us dinner and ... I don't know, maybe we can talk about what we're going to do next. So ... no pressure or anything. Just talk." Even though that's exactly what shouldn't have happened, that request had created pressure. Pressure that Neil wasn't sure he could handle. He felt like the relationship with Nicole had developed like a natural fit, there was no need to label it or talk about the things that had developed. Doing so now felt forced.

But when he looked into her warm brown eyes, so full of fear of rejection, a smile formed on his lips.

 

"I didn't expect I'd ever meet anyone more romantic than me." He joked, reaching for her hand. She intertwined her fingers with his and sighed with her head tilted.

 

"Come on, you gave it your all on our first three dates, and after that you pretty much lost your romance." She meant it as a joke, but the pain in her voice was unmistakable.

 

"Hey, come on, don't be like that with me. Maybe I just didn't want to overhelm you, ever thought about that?" She gave him a doubtful look. "Not all women like romance... In fact, almost all the women I've dated have been allergic to romance of any kind." He tried to defend himself with a grin as he thought back to his relationship with Jessica and Audrey. For a brief moment he also thought of Claire, but he pushed her straight back to the back of his mind. Since Nicole still didn't seem convinced, he brought her hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to it. "But now I know." She smiled gently. "And I'm really looking forward to tonight.“

They agreed that Neil would go for a walk with Banjo after work and then be back with Nicole in time for dinner at around 8 o'clock.

 

Nicole disappeared out the door a short time later, leaving Neil in an apartment that wasn't his, with a dog that wasn't his and thoughts he didn't want to think. Sighing, he got out of bed and got ready for work. It was still too early, the sun had barely risen, the first rays of sunlight were breaking through the transparent curtains. But Neil was now happy to add an extra hour to his morning routine to go for a walk with Banjo. It was almost ridiculous, even Audrey had already noticed that.

'You don't want to introduce your girlfriend to me, but you drag her mutt everywhere with you,' she had said when they had been jogging together again, and it was true. He didn't feel the need to introduce Nicole to his friends, at least not so early. He was enjoying the fact that his partner was not sharing his workplace with him for once. Finally having a private life was new and comforting, but unfortunately it didn't last long.

 

After his second date with her, he made the mistake of telling Park about her when they met in the bar a short time later. After initial skepticism, as he was pretty sure that Neil had feelings for Claire, Alex was thrilled, as he had already been sure that he had felt something between them when they first met. Neil was sure that this hadn't been the case, as he had been so caught up in his thoughts about someone else at that moment that he wouldn't even have noticed if she had been standing in front of him drooling.

In the bar, Alex had also admitted that there was something between him and Morgan that he couldn't define but wanted to enjoy, and Neil decided to be happy for him.

That only lasted for a short time, however, because he had told her about Neils dates with the cute policewoman they had met together in the park immediately and then the rumor had spread like wildfire. As usual, he could only avoid asking questions for a limited time, even though he had tried to block out the others' opinions as best he could, it had been the topic of conversation in the hospital for a short time. At least until it came out that Audrey had also met a man who she was making an even bigger secret out of than Neil was with Nicole. She hadn't even told him his name yet, the only information she had shared was that there was someone. Neil was happy for her because she now seemed much more relaxed and happier. Of course, he didn't mind that she was drawing attention to herself, but that was just the cherry on top. Morgan and the others didn't spare him any comments, though. 'I would call that overcompensating, but what do I know,' she had said when Park had told her about Nicole.

'No, it's not. Jessica was blonde too, so it's pretty obvious that Dr. Melendez is interested in blonde women in general,' was Shaun's only reaction, and Neil couldn't help but chuckle at that. Jessica and Nicole were the only women from his dating history with blonde hair.

 

Things in San José had also changed a lot in the last few months. The residents had graduated and many of them had gone their own ways, but most had stayed at the hospital. Part of Neil was sad to have to give up the responsibility of teaching for the most part, but the other part of him was relieved. When the new interns came to the hospital, he withdrew as far away as he could and observed everything from a safe distance. Every now and then, when the opportunity arose, he met with Glassman and they made bets about who would develop how and which of the newborn attendings would throw in the towel first.

It was a relaxed working environment for him. He concentrated entirely on his operations, which he usually performed together with Dr. Chase. Dr. Chase was grateful for his position here at the hospital and quickly took on the role of Neil's right-hand man. He was the only one still learning from Neil, the others were far too busy with the new Residents. This gave Neil the opportunity to focus more and more on new studies after a long time, and he had spent the last few weeks trying to find a way to cure Cooper Blade. Even though he hadn't succeeded yet, he felt like he was one step closer and he was grateful for that. He didn't want to give up again.

 

"So, everything's back to zero." Audrey said with a sigh and fell back into her chair, staring at the documents in front of her.

The mood in the room was tense because the mission that everyone involved had been working towards for the past few weeks had failed. A domino transplant - one of the most complex planning undertakings a surgeon could imagine. Six children who needed an organ transplant to survive and parents who would each donate one of their healthy organs to another child if their child got one too. Weeks of planning, patient discussions and tests had been necessary to get to this point and now everything had collapsed like a house of cards.

 

"You really can't make this up." Alex cursed as he took the picture of little Sophie and her father from the board that had been on display in Audrey's office for weeks. "All these preliminary examinations, all the interviews, the positive tests ... only for Mr. Rogers to have a heart attack a week before the operations." He shook his head as he put the pictures back in the files and stared at the board. "One person dies and condemns seven others to death."

Neil rubbed his temples and tried hard to come up with a solution, but there was none. Otherwise Shaun would probably have found it long ago. The fact that Mr. Rogers had died triggered a chain reaction. The mother of the child who was supposed to receive his kidney withdrew her donation because her child was now left empty-handed and the whole construct collapsed.

 

"I mean, we could talk to Ms. Yang again, maybe... maybe she'll donate anyway." He sighed and let his gaze wander through the room, not even believing himself.

 

"That's out of question, she's already decided against the transplant," Shaun said, shrugging his shoulders. "The only possibility is that we find a suitable donor for Lee, but even then his mother won't want to donate anymore. The only thing we can do is replace both Mr. Rogers and Sophie, only then will it all make sense again. And if we don't do that, then Park is right - they'll all die." They were all aware that time was running out.

 

"Okay, that's enough now," Audrey hissed, the tone of her voice sharp. "I'll take care of it. Make a few more calls. I ... I'll find a replacement." Convincing herself more than the others, she propped her head up in her hands and stared at the documents in front of her. "The plan remains, but is postponed for now." She raised her eyes and motioned for the other doctors to leave the room.

"What are you starring at? Am I stuttering? You have other patients to take care of too ... and your residents, while we're at it." Alex nodded and pulled Shaun outside, who was already about to complain about his new resident again. Neil sighed and folded his arms in front of his chest.

 

"What about Sophie? Can we at least get her a new kidney quickly?" He shook his head slowly. "So young and then her father dies while she's waiting for an organ ... terrible." Audrey leaned back in her chair and rolled her eyes.

 

"What do you want to hear from me, Neil? Yes, it's cruel, hard to imagine, but she's already at the top of the transplant list. That's all I can do at the moment. We can only hope and wait."

Neil kept his eyes on the floor, he knew she was right. This was one of those days when he was glad that he hadn't gotten her job. Her eyes were still on him, but she didn't say anything for another moment.

"... so, do you want to do something together today? Maybe I can introduce you to Josh then."

 

"Josh? So that's the name of your secret admirer?" Neil grinned. "Well, any other day is fine, you know, I really want to get to know him." She leaned forward in her chair again, her gaze demanding, her eyebrow slightly raised.

 

"But mistress won't let you go again?" she said jokingly, Neil grimaced. He had stood her up several times because of Nicole and her statement didn't make him feel any better.

 

"All I know is that she has something special planned today." He mumbled, shrugging his shoulders. She didn't answer, so after a short pause he added, "It seems we have some kind of anniversary, I don't know, it seemed important to her."

 

"Interesting," she finally said, but with a tired smile on her face, before reaching for her phone and waving Neil out of the room as well.

 

****

 

After the initial stress, the shift was as relaxed as expected. Neil left the hospital on time and since he had promised to be a bit more romantic in the future, he stopped at the gas station on the way back to get some flowers for Nicole. It was now unbearably hot most of the time, summer had arrived and temperatures were at a natural high. But that evening a cool breeze provided the necessary cooling, so Neil decided to take Banjo for a jog instead of just taking him for a walk. The dog loved these walks and Neil could need it after a day like that.

He found the key to Nicole's apartment under the doormat as usual - they had already argued several times about the fact that she couldn't just hide her key where even the most banal burglar would expect to find it. But she was stubborn and insisted that if someone were to break in, they wouldn't dare go past Banjo. Neil finally came to terms with it, even though he thought it was careless.

Banjo was happy to see him as usual and soon they were on their way outside.

 

Neil chose one of his favorite routes to clear his head. It was a long walk, but he was sure he would make it back to Nicole in time. Even though they were already well-rehearsed and the dog didn't seem to have too many problems with the temperature, Neil decided to stop for a break so they could rest. Neil sat down on the bench and grinned contentedly as Banjo rolled around in the dirt next to him. He sighed and looked at the city, which he could see almost completely from this bench. He loved this place and subconsciously knew that Claire was the reason for it. Because she loved this place.

He let his eyes close and concentrated on the birds around him, the wind blowing through his hair and the panting coming from his buddy at his feet. He wondered what he could expect from the evening and how exactly he imagined his relationship with Nicole going forward. Actually, everything was fine the way it was, he was happy. In a way, it felt right that he was here, at this point in his life, after all, this was what he had always wanted.

The last few months with Nicole had been beautiful, but strange in a way. It was so different from the relationships he had had before her, but maybe that was because this seemed more final. They talked about the future, about plans, at least she did. She was ready for this life, for this life that Neil had always wanted. Children, a house, the dog was already in the picture . Everything was going exactly as it was supposed to ... right? It wasn't that it felt wrong, but Neil had always thought that it would feel different when he reached his goal. Somehow ... more meaningful.

The vibration of his phone made him jump and pulled him out of his thoughts. It was probably Nicole, wanting to know if they would make it back in time. Or she had seen the roses he had placed in a small vase on the dinner table, hoping she would enjoy them. She probably couldn't wait to thank him. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the screen.

Suddenly his head started racing, a warm feeling spread in his stomach. Images began to flash in his mind, so many images, memories that flashed for a split second. And then that one memory, clear and distinct ...

 

 

He couldn't remember Lea and Shaun being there, but they had to be because she wanted to go with them. He didn’t remember one song replacing the next, he didn't remember the taxi being late. He just remembered her.

The music was still playing quietly in the background, but it seemed much louder now that no one was saying anything. But Neil couldn't hear anything, the beating of his heart was much too loud in his ears. At that moment he was sure that she must feel it too, because her head was resting on his chest as they moved slowly to the music. His fingertips tingled where he touched her and he wanted nothing more than to be alone with her. To be able to touch her like he always imagined it, wanted to be able to feel her. Her hands wrapped around him as if she was afraid he would disappear if she opened her eyes again.

 

She'd take the world off my shoulders if it was ever hard to move

She'd turn the rain into a rainbow when I was living in the blue

Why then, if she's so perfect, do I still wish that it was you?

Perfect don't mean that it's working, so what can I do?

 

"It feels strange, doesn't it?" she said, so quietly he almost didn't hear it.

 

"What?" Nothing felt wrong to him, it was the first time that everything felt right and even if he worried for a second that she saw it differently, he knew that wasn't true. She felt comfortable, so close to him. It was natural, almost like an invisible force pulling them together and satisfying itself now that they were so close.

She looked up at him, her eyes slightly closed, a smile on her lips and pink cheeks. He could have lost himself in that sight if she had let him.

 

'Cause sometimes I look in her eyes, and that's where I find a glimpse of us

And I try to fall for her touch, but I'm thinking of the way it was

Said, "I'm fine" and said, "I moved on"

I'm only here passing time in her arms

Hoping I'll find a glimpse of us

 

"I don't know, everything. That we're here today. That I'm leaving tomorrow, that's all." Air escaped from his lips, which he hadn't noticed were slightly parted.

 

"I don't know." He said simply. Claire smiled slightly, but it didn't reach her eyes. The corner of her mouth twitched and Neil tried to read what was going on in her head, but he couldn't.

 

'Cause sometimes, I look in her eyes

And that's where I find a glimpse of us

And I try to fall for her touch

But I'm thinkin' of the way it was

Said I'm fine and said I moved on

I'm only here passing time in her arms

Hopin' I'll find a glimpse of us

 

"It's weird, you, me. I don't know. It seems like yesterday when I was always getting upset with Jared about having to work with you."

Neil raised his eyebrows defensively and leaned back a little to look at her questioningly. She didn't seem to like the sudden distance from his body, but she shrugged, a cheeky grin on her lips.

 

"You were an idiot back then," she added with a grin.

 

"I was never an idiot," he said, rolling his eyes, but the crooked grin remained on his face.

 

"Yes, you were, you were arrogant and never really wanted to work with any of us. Everyone thought you were an idiot." Neil laughed quietly, but just shook his head at how absurd that sounded.

 

"Okay, so first of all. I wasn't arrogant, I still am, but only because I know how good I am." Now it was Claire who rolled her eyes. She wanted to counter something, he could already see it flashing in her eyes, but he pulled her closer to him again, interrupting this thought. It almost made him proud that she held her breath at this movement and her cheeks flushed, but he left it uncommented.

"And secondly, there was no reason for me to want to work with you." She pulled a face but said nothing and Neil nodded in satisfaction. "In my defense, I thought every single one of you was an idiot too. But hey, at least you almost all convinced me otherwise."

 

"Well, you convinced us all otherwise." Claire breathed, her voice soft and urgent. Neil met her gaze and felt his muscles tense under her touch. The light in her eyes made him lose his mind. He knew that at first he had had difficulty warming up to the residents, especially to Shaun. But that felt so far away now that he hardly remembered it.

He felt her gentle gaze on him, his chest almost ached, the attraction to her was so strong.

 

"It will be different here without you, you know?. Someone like you is hard to replace." He said simply, his voice loving and warm. She smiled and shook her head.

 

"There will always be someone who is better than you. Even if you of all people can't imagine it." For a brief moment Claire tilted her head as if she wanted to think about something, but then she grinned again. "I'm pretty sure there will be one or two next year that you won't think are idiots." The warmth rushed to Neil's face, he was pretty sure she would have seen his cheeks flush if she had still been looking at him.

 

"That's not what I mean," he said, but it was as if the words had found their way out of his mouth all by themselves. "I mean you, Claire. You ... are irreplaceable." She looked up and recoiled almost imperceptibly when she saw Neil's serious face. Slowly she pulled her arms away from him, taking a step back. It felt strange, so suddenly without her closeness, without her warmth.

 

"Why are you saying this?" she whispered, her gaze demanding. Neil suspected that she knew exactly why he said that, but the tension that had built up between them because of her gaze made him nervous.

 

"Maybe I don't want you to go." Even if it was true, Neil wanted to hit himself in the face when he noticed how her body tensed and she exhaled loudly. He wished she had said something to break the moment, he would have preferred to pull her back to him and just carry on where they had started. "I'm just kidding." He tried to prevent the worst from happening. His tone was joking, but there was a seriousness in it that he couldn't have hidden. She looked up and down at him, her gaze unreadable. Visibly overwhelmed by the situation, Claire folded her arms in front of her chest and avoided his gaze.

"Really, I'm just kidding." He tried again, carefully extending his hand toward her. She didn't back away, but her gaze remained fixed on the ground.

 

"I never told you this because..." she began, her body language now softer as she took another step towards him. "... I don't know really. I don't know if it's right or completely crazy." She shook her head and Neil felt his heart racing. Say it, he thought to himself, praying that she would finally say what he had never dared to say. Her gaze lifted and met his, for a second the world seemed to stand still as she looked at him like that, with so much emotion in her eyes. "Couldn't you have imagined that we ... well, us..." She sighed heavily and he would have loved to take over her words, to interrupt her and shout out to the world what he could have imagined with her. But he didn't, he needed to hear it from her. She played with her fingers, but her gaze was still intensely fixed on him. "It's crazy and inappropriate, but I - "

 

"Hey, Claire. The taxi is here!” Lea shouted, tearing the two out of the bubble they had been in until just a moment ago. Neil looked at Claire, questioning, hoping that she would still find the courage to keep it going between them. To stay in the moment and lay all her cards on the table. But the interruption and Lea's wave seemed to have brought her back to reality, because she didn't say anything else. She just left, leaving Neil with many more questions than before.

 

 

It felt like an eternity that Neil stared at the screen in his hand, but it was only a few short seconds before he answered the call.

“Hola extraño.” He said, surprised at how relaxed his voice sounded considering he was so nervous about hearing the voice on the other end.

 

“Oh man, I was really hoping to finally be able to speak english for a change.” Claire replied with a slight giggle. It was strange how familiar her voice felt, even though he had almost forgotten it. He hadn't even noticed that he had formed a crooked grin on his face as if by reflex when he realized that it was actually Claire who was calling. He had almost not believed the name on the screen, it had been almost ten weeks since he had last heard from her and now she was just back and with her the warmth in his stomach.

 

“I wasn't sure if you even spoke our language anymore.” She laughed and Neil remembered how much he had loved that sound. It was as if it had put everything else into perspective, as if this break in contact had never happened. As if she had just been here a few moments ago. His feelings completely confused and overwhelming. When her laughter slowly died down, a short silence followed that neither of them wanted to bridge. It wasn't awkward, more like neither of them knew what to say first. It was the moment to feel the other's presence, to feel the emotions they triggered in each other.

"I haven't heard from you in a while," he finally said, clenching his fist when he heard the hurt undertone in his voice. "I thought you'd finally gotten tired of me." He added with a grin, to take the seriousness out of the situation. It seemed to work, because Claire snorted before sighing.

 

“Yeah, I’m so sorry, it's been a real nightmare here and … we've been in quarantine for the last few weeks.” She paused for a moment and exhaled heavily. “It's been really ... a lot. I've been way too caught up in it. I'm sorry.”

 

“Wait, quarantine? What was going on? Are you alright?” He suddenly felt like an idiot for all the times he'd been disappointed or angry that she hadn't contacted him. He'd been so sure that she just didn't want any more contact, it never occurred to him that she'd been in danger.

 

“Well, I'd cautiously say I'm okay.” It sounded like she was going through paperwork, the rustling on the other side of the line almost a static noise. “But we're still not sure exactly what kind of virus is going around here, it came so suddenly and is different from anything I've seen before. It always started like a cold and then... then it always got much, much worse.” Claire told him about the outbreak a few weeks ago and how much it had gotten worse. Many people had died, and many more had long-term illnesses. Luckily she hadn't caught it, but Neil could tell from her stories how much the whole thing had affected her. "Anyway, what's new with you?" she asked, skilfully changing the subject. Neil suddenly felt very uneasy, a tight feeling in his chest as if... he had a guilty conscience. He looked at the dog at his feet and thought about how much his life had changed since Claire had left and how little she knew about it. His leg bounced up and down as he considered his next words. Sighing, he ran his hand through his hair.

 

“Oh, you know...” There were a million things he could have told her, so many things had developed, so many possibilities. Nothing was the way it used to be. He could have told her everything, but the thought that it might hurt her even a little bit stopped him. “You know me. As always, I like to stay out of all the drama. Nothing too exciting.” Claire clicked her tongue before an indefinable sound left her lips.

 

“That definitely sounds like you.” She said sarcastically and Neil couldn't help but smile. She gave him a warm feeling and he felt so comfortable with her.

 

“You don't seem to be up to date.” He added. “Maybe I should enlighten you about the mess you left behind.” Her light laugh interrupted him and he was only too happy to enjoy this moment.

 

“Please enlighten me.” She giggled.

 

“Well, we have new residents, and one-“ Claire took a sharp breath.

 

“Oh yeah, that’s right! What are they like?” At the interruption, Neil rolled his eyes in amusement and shook his head.

 

“You know me, I don't work with them willingly.” They both giggled at this comment. “But I think you'd get along with any of them. But let me tell you, whatever Audrey was thinking, putting Shaun with his spitting image ...” Claire mumbled something to herself before speaking up again.

 

“What do you mean?” she asked and Neil shrugged. There was no real description for the combination of the two, it had to be seen with your own eyes.

 

“Dr. Lukaitis, one of the new interns is also on the spectrum and well, it just so happened that Shaun is, well... her attending.” He heard Claire hold her breath before she burst into a light laugh.

 

“Oh... okay. And... how does that work?” Neil grinned.

 

“What do you think? I actually wonder every day who will kill the other first.” They laughed together and Neil shared a few more stories from their mutual friends, revealed that Alex and Morgan were now officially a couple and that Audrey was also seeing someone, albeit not publicly. They discussed their latest cases, the domino transplant, and soon Claire started talking about her time in Guatemala again. She told stories in such detail, always from A to Z, that Neil was sure outsiders would think she was crazy. She kept forgetting to breathe and Neil felt the joy boiling up inside him when he noticed how much she could talk to him, like before. It was as if time wasn't enough for all the things that needed to be said. And he always just listened, like this time. He remembered thinking that he could listen to her talk forever and how he'd never felt that way about anyone else.

But at some point she came to the end and thanked him for letting her get everything off her chest. Neil smiled as he looked up at the sky, which had now become dark, the crickets were starting to chirp, Banjo next to him had already fallen asleep.

 

“So, is it what you hoped it would be?” he asked gently, but the reaction he had expected did not come. She hesitated, said nothing at first and Neil already suspected that the connection had broken off. But then she just sighed.

 

“Yes, of course. It's really good to be able to help here, the people here really needed it and we've built up a lot. But ...” The last word hung so heavily in the air that it was almost unbearable.

 

“But what?” Neil asked cautiously. He suspected that it was because of all the stress of the quarantine, a situation like this would have been difficult to handle in San José, he couldn't imagine what it had been like over there. She remained silent for a few seconds longer, seconds that felt like minutes.

 

“Don’t you sometimes wonder when saving lives was no longer enough?” she finally asked, leaving the question hanging in the air. Neil didn’t know how to answer that. For him, it had always been enough in that aspect, and for Claire too until a few months ago, when she decided to go to Guatemala. But he hadn’t felt that it wasn’t good enough for her, but simply that she was looking for something she hadn’t found here. “Oh, it’s not that important. I’m just a little exhausted, I’m talking nonsense.” She said, thus cutting off any further questions. Neil would have liked to know where these thoughts came from, but she just blocked it out and played it down. Maybe she really was just tired. “Oh, but there’s one more thing I really have to tell you.” Her voice was now full of excitement again. Neil smiled.

 

“I'm listening.” She rummaged through the papers again and muttered to herself.

 

“There is definitely one good thing about this. I have the opportunity to keep a close eye on Angela Diaz - you know, the one with the same disease as Cooper Blade.” She paused for a moment to think. “Unfortunately, the V5 transplant didn't really work out, but I'm pretty sure I've stumbled upon something.” And so they continued to talk about their patients, Neil told her about his research and Claire told him about her findings, and for the first time they saw something like hope, realistic chances.

 

Talking to her made Neil lose track of time and he didn't even notice the calls trying to reach him.

 

 

---

 

Chapter 6: Haunted

 

 

---

 

Neil hadn't even noticed how quickly time had passed, even though it had always been like that with her. He wouldn't admit it, but it was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders when he heard her voice. Even if the distance made things a little more difficult and the need to see her again had become stronger now, the phone call had been exactly what he'd needed. Not just on a professional level - he had been able to take some interesting aspects from Claire, ideas that would certainly take him a big step forward in his research into Cooper's illness. But more important was the interpersonal aspect. Even though he had always pushed the thoughts away, it had affected him that at some point she had simply stopped contacting him. He had been sure until the very end that he had done something wrong or that she was simply no longer interested in talking with him. It was all the more reassuring that all of this had been in his head. Although he admittedly still worried about her because of the quarantine, he was relieved to have heard her voice and to know that she was okay.

He had missed talking to her, it was as if she had been able to complete his thoughts.

 

And yet, as nice as the last hour had been, he felt even worse on the way to Nicole. She had tried to call him several times because he was already much too late and she was probably worried about Banjo and him. It wasn't like him to treat his partner like that and he knew she deserved better. He couldn't even think of an excuse that could justify it, even though he didn't think about anything else the whole way home. The thought of accusing Banjo of running away and him trying to catch him had crossed his mind, but he had immediately dismissed it. The two of them had gone for walks alot together and this had never happened before. On top of that, she had tried to reach him several times and had probably noticed that the line was busy. So the only thing left was the truth. Still, he didn't feel comfortable with it, and even if he and Banjo were on their way as quickly as possible, he dreaded arriving at her place. He was ashamed.

 

As he pulled Banjo through the dark stairwell, the light from her apartment was already shining on them. She stood in the open doorway, arms crossed, eyes narrowed.

"Listen, I - " She reached out to him and took Banjo's leash before slamming the door shut in his face. Neil sighed and rested his arms on his hips, waiting for her to let him in after all.

"Come on, let me in." He tried, but the door didn't open. There were footsteps coming from the apartment, but they seemed to be moving further away and not getting any closer, so he knocked again. "Nicole, please, I can explain this to you." Nicole's sigh could be heard all the way into the hallway, but she didn't move.

 

"Go away." She just called and Neil sighed again. He definitely deserved it, but going home without explaining himself was out of the question for him.

 

"Just talk to me, please?" Neil ran his hand over his face and thought. Looking down at his shoes, his gaze fell on the doormat in front of her door and he raised his eyebrow. Had she perhaps already ... again? Pushing the mat away with his foot, he grinned mischievously and crouched down to pick up the key that she had already hidden there again. He tried knocking one last time, but when there was still no response, he put the key in the lock and opened the door.

Nicole stood at the kitchen table with her arms crossed and stared at him. She had apparently expected him to come in.

 

"I told you to go away." She hissed and nodded towards the door. Neil raised his hands defensively and took a step towards her.

 

"I know you're angry, but I can explain." He closed the door and looked at her desperately, but her tough facade kept her upright. She rolled her eyes in annoyance and laughed mockingly.

 

"You men with pretty faces are all the same. And you all always have the same explanations and I really don't care to hear it." Neil felt desperation boiling up inside him because he was running out of words. He didn't know her well enough to know how to calm her down and one step in the wrong direction could cause things to escalate.

 

"Nicole, please..." he began, but she turned her back to him. "I got distracted, by ... work. I completely lost track of time. You have to understand that." He didn't want to lie to her, but bringing Claire into the picture now seemed counterproductive in this case. She turned around and raised her eyebrows disdainfully, not believing a word he said.

 

"Work? Work? Do you really think I’m that stupid? You wanted to avoid the evening and our talks from the very beginning and now you have the guts to lie to me? Really, Neil?" He had never seen her like this before, so completely enraged, her face twisted with anger, like a volcano bubbling, about to erupt. Taking a step toward her, careful not to move too quickly, he smiled gently.

 

"You know that's not true. Look, I even bought you ..." He pointed towards the kitchen table, only to find that the roses he had bought were no longer there. Only after a quick look around did he notice that they had ended up in the trash. "… roses." He sighed and shook his head. "Look, Nicole. Today really went badly. But I was looking forward to the evening. I got a call from an old colleague who had an idea about the Blade case, I told you about it, remember?" Her expression softened a little, but her arms remained crossed. "We got a little lost in the discussion and ... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let myself get carried away by … it. That was wrong. I've just been looking for a way to help the boy for so long and..." She lowered her gaze and stared at her shoes, a sigh escaping her lips. At the sight of her, Neil sighed as well and closed the distance between them. He gently put his arms on her shoulders. "I'm really sorry I disappointed you. I'll make it up to you, I promise." She looked up, her gaze warmer this time, but her eyes glassy.

 

"You can." She whispered and Neil smiled. "But not today. I want to be alone today." He nodded and pressed a light kiss to her forehead. For a split second he was sure he saw a smile flash at the corners of her mouth.

 

"Okay, We'll talk tomorrow." He said, turned around and walked out the door.

He was relieved that he could calm her and his guilty conscience a little before he had to leave. It was their first argument and it had turned out well. He knew he had disappointed her and even if she wasn't a vindictive person, he promised himself to prove to her that he was better than that.

 

So he just went home, alone with his thoughts, his guilty conscience and feelings that he couldn't classify. It was difficult when the past caught up with him and put his potential future at risk. He didn't know what to think of everything that had happened that evening, but he didn't want to deal with it today either. Until recently, he had thought, hoped, that he had left all these confusing feelings in the past and then a call came that put everything into perspective again. All the changes, all the memories of the last few months, they faded in the light of the past.

When he got home, he took a shower and thought about where his relationship with Nicole was headed and where Claire fit into that picture. She was back in the picture, right? When she left, he had promised her that she would always have a place here and she did, even if it made everything more complicated. She had a place in San José, a place in the hospital, a place with her friends and a place with him, but he couldn't quite put his finger on where that place was. If he had thought the situation had been complicated before, it was now simply inexplicable. It felt bad to be treating Claire like a secret again, even if that was only partially true. It was true that he had talked to her about Cooper and it had actually helped him. But he had left out the most important thing. He didn't want it to feel like he was hiding her, not again. He tried not to give too much weight to the feeling the call had given him. Given his situation, he had to feel bad about Nicole and the way the evening had gone. The feeling of warmth spreading in his stomach couldn't mean anything. Feeling the way he did confused him, he was sorry for how he had treated Nicole, but he couldn't be sorry for the reason why.

 

Neil sighed as he stared at his phone, trying to think of what else he could say to Nicole. It felt wrong not to say anything else, but he couldn't find the right words, wasn't even sure if he wanted to say something to her. He was spared the thought when he got a message. But it wasn't from Nicole.

`It was nice talking to you today. Let's do it again soon.`

That was all the message said, and yet a small smile crept onto his lips, which felt wrong, but he couldn't help it. "That woman is nothing but trouble." He said quietly to himself and sighed. He was already typing a reply when he got another message. This time it was just a picture, no text. Without hesitation, he opened the attachment and grinned.

The roses that had been in the trash when he left were now back in the vase on the dinner table.

With a slight smile on his lips, he replied with a red heart.

 

****

 

Things went back to normal after that evening. The next day Neil had been with Nicole, but they hadn't spoken anymore, not about what had happened or what they had planned to discuss that evening. They didn't talk, Neil just apologized - three times.

After that he made more of an effort to do her justice in the near future. For this reason he tried to keep contact with Claire as low as possible in order to concentrate on what lay ahead. Although it was difficult at first to ignore her calls, they agreed that emails were better anyway due to their working hours. He only tried to answer them every few days, so that Claire was eventually just a quiet noise in the back of his mind. He would be lying if he said that this wasn't a stab in the heart for him, but it was the right thing to do. This way Claire had her place in his life and he would treat Nicole fairly.

So the weeks went by and everything seemed to slowly fall into place, in a pleasant way.

Work was also demanding more of him now, with the help of Claire's notes about her patient in Guatemala, Neil had drawn up a treatment plan for Cooper, which was still very experimental, but also very promising. So he spent almost all of his free time in the hospital, keeping an eye on him and noting down even the smallest abnormalities. It demanded a lot of him, but seeing the boy's face regain its color made it all worthwhile.

 

It was one of the few free evenings he had taken recently when he met up with Nicole. They spent the hours in front of the television, Neil had his arm loosely around her and was staring at the screen without paying much attention to what was being said. Thoughts about his work had completely consumed him and when he closed his eyes he could still see all the dates and numbers dancing in his mind's eye.

“Neil?” Nicole’s voice cut through his thoughts. Her brows furrowed, concern flickering in her eyes. “You okay? You’ve been kind of quiet today.” He blinked, pulling himself back to the present.

 

 “Yeah,” he said quickly, forcing a smile. “Just... tired, I guess.” She studied him for a moment, then reached for his hand, her hand warm and reassuring against his.

 

„You’ve been working so hard lately. Maybe you should take some days off. We could … do something together. Or you just stay here with Banjo … I’m sure he’d love that.“ The tenderness in her voice twisted something in his chest.

 

“Nicole,” he began, his voice hesitant. He had thought a lot about their relationship, about where they were and where it should lead, what the next step would be and whether he was ready to take it with her. "You've thought a lot about us, haven't you?" Her eyes lit up with cautious hope. She seemed to choose her next words carefully, the small wrinkle on her forehead that always formed when she was thinking was present and darkened her otherwise carefree face.

 

“I have,” she admitted softly. “I think we’re really good together, Neil. I see us growing into something even stronger. Don’t you?” He hesitated, guilt clawing at him. He didn't know if he was ready yet, but it was time to know.

 

“I want to. I do,” he said, and it was the truth—at least part of it. Nicole tilted her head, searching his face.

 

“But?” she asked, her voice gentle but firm. There was a but, even if Neil couldn't place it. It had always been so important to him to have a relationship with prospects, with the prospect of a family. In the past, he would have given anything for what they had built, but a small doubt remained.

The expectant look in her eyes made these doubts disappear and he sighed slightly as he stroked her fingers with his thumb.

 

“But nothing. I think I want to introduce you to my friends.” He finally said, pleased by the broad grin that appeared on her face. Even if it had only been a small thing to introduce her to his friends, it felt like a big step in their relationship. As if he was now becoming them, and even with the small doubts he had, he felt that it had been the right step.

 

That same week they met up with Audrey and her partner and Neil was happy to finally meet him. Even though it was a little strange at first - a date in an expensive restaurant with his ex and her new partner - it quickly became one of the best evenings Neil had had in a long time. Josh was nice and unassuming and at first Neil had wondered what it was about him that Audrey found so appealing. He was a little older than her and was so ordinary, had a normal office job, a nice family and, as it turned out, was obsessed with his hobby, drawing. He was so completely different from Audrey and maybe that was exactly what she needed. Things between Neil and her ultimately failed because they had been so similar, too stubborn, Josh seemed to balance her out and Neil couldn't help but see the sparkle in Audrey's eyes every time she looked at him. He was happy for her, she seemed so much more exuberant and it seemed as if everything had worked out for her too.

They also seemed to like Nicole, they laughed a lot at her jokes, listened intently to her stories about work and asked questions that even Neil hadn't known the answer to. During that dinner he learned many things about her that he had never suspected and he wondered why he hadn't known all of these things. Even if it was just little things that surprised him, he felt like he hadn't really gotten to know her yet. Only now did he realize that they talked almost exclusively about the future, or the present, but the past was hardly ever a topic. That was the reason why all her stories about her childhood were completely new to him.

So many parts of her personality had been completely foreign to him until now. It felt good and made him want to get to know her better.

 

"You look good together." Audrey said as she stirred the milk in her coffee. The two took a moment to rest in the midday sun and sat on a bench not far from the hospital. Neil also sipped his coffee and watched the cars drive by.

 

"Hm?" Audrey leaned against the back of the bench and sighed contentedly as she took the first sip. Work was still stressful for her too, she was still desperately looking for a suitable donor for the domino transplant. She rarely took time for little breaks like this.

 

"You and Nicole. That seems to work." Neil grinned and shrugged.

 

"Yes, I really like her." Audrey nodded slightly.

 

"Well, that is the least. But ... I'm not surprised. You always had a thing for authority."

 

"What?" laughed Neil. "What does that mean?" Audrey's expression didn't change, but the tone of her voice was amusing.

 

"You like women in positions of power. It always has been that way." Her eyes sparkling and crinkling at the corners. "And no one can blame you, that's just how it is, you've always been attracted to women with a lot of spirit who know what they want." Finally, Audrey shrugged. "Do you remember when we had that one senior doctor in training, the one with the long brown hair?" Neil took a sharp breath, a short laugh escaping his lips. Although he had hoped that this story would remain in the past, Audrey brought it up every few month and was always amused by how embarrassed he was. "None of us liked her, she was a total bitch, we hated having to work with her. Everyone, but our Prince Charming." She laughed as Neil rolled his eyes.

 

"Oh come on. I really wasn't that bad." He defended himself, but he couldn't hide the fact that he was still uncomfortable.

 

"What part of it wasn't bad? That you basically drooled every time you were on her team? Or that you asked her out in her own OR and she rejected you so brutally that that went down in hospital history?" Neil tried to push the memory of that moment away and shook his head. "You're really lucky that you met Jessica, it really saved you a lot of embarrassment."

 

"Okay, yeah, that might not have been my best moment, but in my defense - " Audrey raised her hand, cutting Neil off mid-sentence.

 

"Which brings us to Jessica - hospital lawyer and vice president of risk management. Well, if that doesn't scream authority, I don't know what does." She laughed heartily and patted him on the shoulder.

 

"But that thing with Jessica had nothing to do with her being above me. It was her character and ..." Audrey shook her head, a wide, sincere smile reaching her eyes.

 

"Oh no, you don't choose, of course. The women you find attractive just happen to be in positions of power. Then there was ..." She paused with a meaningful look and made an all-encompassing hand gesture between them. "Me. And I don't know if you've noticed, but I ... am your boss." Neil laughed and gently pushed her hand off his shoulder.

 

"And I don't know if you've noticed, but since you became my boss, we've been separated." He said with a wide grin and Audrey sipped her coffee, the next cheeky remark already on her lips.

 

"Oh yeah, and I bet you still regret it to this day." She said in a sarcastic tone and Neil nodded.

 

"Every day." The two laughed together, Audrey ran her finger along the rim of her cup and raised her eyebrows.

 

"And then there was Claire." She said and the sudden mention of her name made Neil's heart skip a beat. It had been a long time since he had talked to anyone about her. Although he had heard Shaun talking to someone a few times about talking to Claire or had heard her name in connection with a previous patient, he had not spoken about her since that day with Alex in the bar when he had told him about his dates with Nicole. The memories of the time with her were warm but painful. He did not want to make the mistake of walking down that path again and ran his hand over his face.

 

"We weren't together though." He said bluntly, hoping to end the subject.

 

"And are you sure it wasn't because she wasn't your boss?" Audrey's tone was playful as she stuck her tongue out at him. Rolling his eyes, he turned away from her almost imperceptibly.

 

"Yeah, I guess that was the reason." Shaking his head, Neil noticed out of the corner of his eye that Audrey pulled a cigarette and held it between her fingers, but didn't light it.

 

"She had what it takes, at least. She would have probably worked her way up sooner or later." She shrugged, rolling the cigarette between her fingers. "She certainly had the mouth for it." Neil snorted a tired laugh and sighed.

 

"Well, Nicole is different." Audrey nodded.

 

"Yeah, I can tell. But I think it's good for you." She lit the cigarette and took a long, deep drag. "You were always the all-in type when it came to relationships, but you're more reserved here. I feel like she's bringing you down to earth a bit." Neil thought about it, maybe that was really the reason. With his other relationships, it had always felt like it was something very special, a love story worth telling, a story you'd like to tell your children later when they asked how their parents met. He would have talked about the feelings that felt like they were a forever thing. With Nicole, that was something different. He lived for the day and no longer looked at the big picture. Maybe that was good for him.

Audrey's gaze was gentle, but skeptical. "Or do you think differently about that?" Neil shook his head slightly and nodded towards her cigarette.

 

"Nope, I was just wondering, you know." Audrey groaned in annoyance and took another drag before demonstratively stubbing out the cigarette on the bench next to her.

 

"Jesus, can't a busy woman have a moment's peace?" She slumped down on the bench and checked the time.

 

"Well, first of all, you're a doctor and I would assume that would be reason enough for you not to smoke." He nudged his shoulder against hers and she crossed her arms. "And secondly, I'm just wondering why you started smoking again. That... isn't you." His gaze lingered on her, but she said nothing. "Well, if anything happens, you know I'm here for you," he said gently. "And your Josh certainly is too," he added with a cheeky grin. The smile was reflected on Audrey's face and for another moment they simply enjoyed each other's closeness and the short break they so rarely allowed themselves.

 

"So Dr. Chase..." she began, gallantly changing the subject and Neil raised his eyebrow. "He's really coming for it, I gotta say." Audrey said, her voice a mixture of pride and surprise. Neil grinned.

 

"Well, he learns from the best, what did you expect." Audrey nodded, her look meaningful.

 

"He performed the kidney transplant on the little Rogers girl last week, did you notice that?" Neil grinned. Had he noticed? He had sat in the gallery and watched from start to finish, not least because he had been happy that Sophie had received a new organ so quickly despite the circumstances. He too was increasingly impressed by the development that Dr. Chase had made; as much as he had been lost at the beginning, he had caught up with the others and was now on a par with them. It was as if something had clicked.

 

"Yes, I heard." He just said and Audrey nodded, her eyes glued to her cell phone. "Are you expecting a call, or...?" Audrey nodded and raised her finger as her ringtone went off a short while later.

 

"Yes, and there it is." She said as she stood up and waved to Neil again. "See you later." Neil looked after her and shook his head. The calm disappeared just as quickly as it came. "Hey, I'm glad you called back. Did you get the documents I sent you?"

 

Neil took a moment and swallowed the coffee, which had now gone cold, and then went back to his patient.

 

****

 

The kitchen was quiet except for the soft clink of dishes being washed and the hum of the refrigerator. The dog at his feet breathed deeply and began to twitch in his sleep. Neil sat at the small kitchen table, his elbows resting on the surface, his fingers loosely wrapped around a mug of tea. Nicole sat across from him, her eyes bright with excitement as she spoke about the plans she’d been thinking of for their future. Things and the situation between them had changed since their date; they now talked more often about themselves and what they wanted for the future.

Even though the question of what exactly it was that connected them so much kept coming up, the answer was always the same - the things they wanted. They were very similar in many ways and in some they didn't seem to find common ground, it was the perfect middle ground. They wanted a future with a partner and children and a house somewhere far away from the city. They were so united in their wishes for their future that they soon merged into one and could imagine that they were the right partners for each other. Things became more important and at some point there was no way around deciding whether they wanted to develop together or go their separate ways. The question seemed to answer itself over the next few weeks - even the sex was better, less mechanical. It was as if the prospect of a future together had lit the fire between them, at least a little. It felt like the right path.

Neil nodded, his mind only half on the conversation. He could hear her words, could see the hopeful gleam in her eyes, but something else tugged at the edge of his consciousness. Something he couldn’t quite shake.

 

Claire.

Talking to Audrey had brought back the buried thoughts of her and it was as if Neil couldn't get rid of them. They had stuck inside him and were slowly driving him insane. It should have been so simple, this thing with him and his relationship, but ever since he heard her name again and awakened all his memories of her, it became so incredibly complicated again.

It had been months since he had last seen Claire, since that day at the airport when they had shared those quiet, unspoken moments. The almost-confession, the hesitation, the tension hanging in the air between them. Since then, he'd buried those feelings deep down, convincing himself that what he had with Nicole was the right path. But every now and then, when he closed his eyes, he still saw Claire's face, still felt the warmth of her touch ,still felt the way she had looked at him, like there was something more waiting to be said. He blinked, refocusing on Nicole as she continued speaking, her words flowing effortlessly.

"I just think it’s time we take that next step, you know? I do really like you, Neil. I want to build a life with you, at least I think I'm ready to." They had been talking about moving in together a lot lately, it made sense, it was the next step and in many ways it felt right. Her voice brought him back to the present, but a small knot formed in his stomach. The future Nicole was talking about, what she envisioned for them, felt so certain, so easy. And yet, in the back of his mind, there was still that pull, that whisper of doubt. He couldn’t ignore it anymore.

 

"Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that too," Neil said, forcing a smile, though it felt thin, stretched too tight. "It sounds ... good. Really good." His voice wasn't really convincing, but for Nicole it was all she needed to hear. She smiled, leaning forward, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

 

"You know, we could make it perfect. I’ve already been looking at places online. We could find something with a little backyard for a garden. Wouldn’t that be nice?"

Neil's heart ached, a strange mixture of guilt and longing twisting inside him. He should be happy. Nicole was everything he had wanted, everything that made sense. But in the quietest moments, when everything else faded, Claire’s face still lingered. His hand tightened around the mug, his knuckles turning white. He had almost confessed everything to Claire, almost crossed that line—what if he had? Would he still be sitting here now, talking about a future with Nicole? Or would he have chosen a different path entirely? Was it a sign that he was still thinking about it so long after? That it had been a mistake? Or that the thing with Nicole had been a mistake? Nicole reached across the table, her hand resting on top of his, her thumb rubbing soothing circles against his skin.

 

"Neil, you’re quiet. I know that look, what's going on? You can tell me.“

Neil blinked, startled out of his thoughts. He met her gaze, her concern evident. He forced himself to focus on her, on the life they were building together, and not the weight of everything left unsaid.

 

"I’m just ... thinking about everything," he said, his voice low. "It’s a lot, you know? The future, what comes next. It's a big step. For … both of us." Nicole's smile softened, and she leaned back in her chair, giving him space.

 

"It’s okay to be nervous. But I want you to know, I’m in this with you. Whatever happens next, we’ll do it together."

Her words were comforting, and he wanted to believe them with everything in him. He was in this with her, wasn't he? The life they had together felt solid, built on a foundation that made sense. And yet, somewhere deep down, there was a question that lingered, something he couldn’t fully silence.

 

"I know," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I know."

But as Nicole continued to talk about their future, Neil couldn't escape the feeling that, in some corner of his heart, he was still holding on to something …  someone …that he had never fully let go of.

 

****

 

"You said what?" Alex shook his head as he tried to keep up with Neil.

 

"I said she could stay at my place and we'll see." Alex laughed.

 

"You're the only person I know who invites a woman over for a sleepover after she asks him to move in together ..." Both of their pagers went off again and they picked up their pace. "And even getting sex for it ... you really need to teach me a few things." Neil rolled his eyes as they climbed the stairs.

 

"She's never stayed at my place before, so I thought this would be a good compromise." He frowned, realizing how far-fetched that sounded. "Besides, we're probably still looking for something together. One step at a time." Alex shook his head.

 

"Okay, but what I don't understand is why has she never stayed at your place before? How long have you been together? I've already half moved in with Morgan and we haven't even been dating for two months." They reached the elevator and Neil pressed the appropriate button. As soon as the doors closed, he sighed.

 

"That ... it's difficult with her dog." Judging by the look on his face, Alex didn't believe him, but simply shrugged. "I just don't want to rush this, it's never worked out for me in the end, so this time I want to do it ... right." There was silence between them for a moment, the only sound being the slamming of the elevator.

 

"Yes, but if you wait too long, it usually doesn't end well, you know?" Neil frowned and sighed. He definitely knew that. He knew that the speed at which he and Nicole were moving in their relationship wasn't optimal and he hoped that things would slowly develop in the right direction when he could finally allow it. A shared apartment would move things forward and erase the questions in his head. "Look, you love her, don't you?" His words were like a knife stabbing Neil's chest. Love. Something he had expected to feel by now, something that should have developed between them. Even if he slowly had the feeling that something was developing between them, he was far from talking about love, even if that sounded absolutely stupid to outsiders. The pressure from outside, the expectations that the others and probably Nicole had of their relationship, it made him feel like he was being pushed in a direction rather than choosing it. And even if he didn't want to admit it, he felt like he was only following his head instead of his heart. He started to say something, then the door opened and Shaun joined them in the elevator. His hand twitched toward the buttons, but when he saw that the right one had already been pressed, he clasped his hands together.

 

"Did you get paged too, Shaun?" Neil asked, exchanging a quick glance with Alex. Shaun nodded.

 

"Yes, three times already," he said simply, looking straight ahead. Neil frowned and wondered what that meant. In most cases, it was a bad sign when so many doctors were called at once, but they weren't supposed to be in the emergency room, but in Dr. Lim's office - how bad could that be?

They spent the rest of the short elevator ride in silence, and when the doors opened, they quickly made their way to Audrey's office. When they reached it, Alex knocked and after a short pause they entered.

Neil couldn't read Audrey's gaze, which flicked up to them briefly before she sank back into her papers. Her pen hovering over the chart on her desk. She said nothing, just muttered quietly to herself and pointed to the empty chairs in front of her. While Alex and Neil were already sitting down, Shaun walked to the large board on which they had collected all the information for the domino transplant, he studied it closely. "We have a new donor." He finally said and the other two turned to him. He pointed to a picture in front of him. "Here, a new match for Lee." Neil stood up and stood next to Shaun, his arms folded in front of his chest. Sure enough, new pictures were hanging where the Rogers' pictures had hung until a few weeks ago. The row was complete again.

 

"Very well spotted, Murphy." Audrey said, drawing all eyes to her. She leaned back in her chair, her elbows propped up on the armrests, her hands folded under her chin. "That's why I called you. We have a lot of work to do." She pointed to the chairs in front of her again, this time everyone sat down directly and listened to her. "It's not a perfect match, but I think it's good enough. Considering..." She paused and glanced at the board herself. "...that we're running out of time."

 

"Not perfect, how?" asked Alex, who was already taking notes. Audrey tapped her pen restlessly on the table, her eyes fixed on Park.

 

"Well, it's not a 100 percent match." She hesitated. "But at 92 percent, we're in a good position, I'd say. We still need to tweak the plan a bit, make a few changes, as we've encountered some hurdles that...were not foreseeable."

 

"And those are?" Neil asked, his voice gentle. There was simply no scenario that they hadn't planned through to be prepared for the worst. Well, except that one of the donors would die before the OP. But now that there was a new donor, there seemed to be nothing that could stop them.

 

"The donors aren't from here and as you probably know, it's unusual for the patients to travel and not just the donor organ, but well, since the child also needs an organ, it's safest this way." She passed the documents across the table, Shaun immediately reached out and took the medical records. "The big sister is the donor and yeah, they will be arriving here by the end of the week with the doctor who is currently treating them."

 

"Why is the doctor coming with them?" asked Alex, since that was only the case with high-risk patients. Audrey ignored the question at first and turned her gaze back to Shaun.

 

"They're here at the end of the week and I want all the tests to be repeated then, I want to be sure that the sister is ready for the donation and that the child is in good shape also. I'm scheduling the operations for Sunday, it's going to be a big day, so be prepared." Shaun put the documents on the table in front of him and shook his head.

 

"Why should the tests be repeated? The results are less than twelve hours old." Audrey nodded.

 

"I know, but the patients have been in quarantine for the past few months and I don't want to miss anything. The tests have all been normal and I don't expect any nasty surprises, they've never been infected as far as I know, but well... we'd rather be extra cautious." Audrey's words only slowly entered Neil's head, where they pieced themselves together and formed a complete picture. He leaned back in his chair.

 

"Quarantine? Why? For what?" Audrey's gaze darted to him, but her expression remained cold. Before she could answer, Neil started again. "The patients... are they from Guatemala?" The others' eyes rose, now also looking for answers in Audrey's face. She put her pen aside and nodded.

 

"Yes, they are." Alex and Neil glanced at each other, both already knowing what that meant.

 

"That means the doctor who will accompany them..."

 

"Yes," Audrey interrupted. "Claire is coming back."

 

---

 

 

Notes:

This one is a bit shorter for ... shocking factor :D Next one is going to be extra long, tho ^^

Chapter 7: A Glimpse of us Part I

 

---

 

"Claire is coming back, really?"

 

"How long will she stay?"

 

"How long have you known?"

 

Audrey raised her hand, silencing the others.

 

"Claire is coming back to look after her patients and to keep a close eye on them after the operation. After that, she will take them home again." Shaun's face lit up, something that was rare for him. He jumped up and down and Neil and Alex couldn't help but smile.

 

"Claire is coming back!" he shouted, and a smile crept onto Audrey's face.

 

"Okay, okay, that's enough. I'll send you the exact plan for everything in the next few days, how things will work, and then you can prepare. I think it's good that she's coming to help us. I'll adjust the organization accordingly." Neil still didn't quite understand what it all meant. Claire would come back, at least for a short time. And even though he hadn't wanted anything else for a while, this time it confused him. The feelings that were spreading through him were pure chaos. But he was able to correctly interpret the anticipation that was noticeable as a warm tingling in his stomach. She had been away for so long and now she would just come here again and work at his side in the hospital ...

"Park, I think Claire will join your OR then, so we can leave Reznick on the bench for now." A quiet sigh left his lips as he nodded. Since the operation on her hands, she hadn't been the same, less confident and hardly active in the operating room anymore, even if she had already been given the go-ahead. "You'll see about everything else then."

She leaned back in her chair contentedly and told the others to leave the room, which they did. Neil stopped in the doorway, already one step out of the room, before he turned around. Audrey gave him a questioning look.

 

"How did this happen?" he asked simply and she sighed. With a quick gesture she told him to close the door again and then gave him a meaningful look.

 

"Well, I got a call from her one evening," she began. "And she wanted information about the patients we had scheduled for a domino transplant. Of course I wondered how she knew about that, but oh well." Audrey nodded in his direction. He remembered that he had briefly mentioned the operation during his phone call with Claire, but he hadn't expected her to take it seriously. He should have known better. "And of course there are a lot of people over there who are depending on a transplant as well and what can I say, maybe it was just luck." She said and waved her hand. Yes, it was probably luck, but maybe it was something more like fate. The chances of finding a suitable donor and recipient in one place had been so low, which is why it had taken so long to find someone suitable. The fact that Claire had now appeared with them out of nowhere like a knight in shining armor ... almost felt like it was too good to be true.

 

"Yes, I guess that’s it," he said finally, his voice not as confident as usual. Audrey noticed it immediately and frowned.

 

"Are you okay? I assumed you knew." Neil nodded dismissively, but said nothing for a moment. He didn't know how he felt, or at least he didn't feel like dealing with it. But he did wonder why he didn't know, why she hadn't told him.

 

"No, yeah. I guess I missed that." Audrey tilted her head and tried to read Neil's facial expressions, but despite having known him for so long, she couldn't. She sighed heavily and stood up, arms folded in front of her chest.

 

"Does that bother you? I expected that to be fine for you, because of Nicole and everything..." Neil shoved his hands in his pockets, his gaze became warmer and his voice softer.

 

"No, of course not." A moment's hesitation took all meaning out of his words. "It will be good to have her back, at least for a while. You saw it, Shaun is over the moon." She nodded, but something in the way she looked at him made him think she had something else in mind. She took a step toward him, her head tilted slightly to the side.

 

"So... if you want, I can change the plan a little and schedule you to go into the OR with her instead of Park." The sincere warmth in her voice made Neil sit up and take notice, but he shook his head as if by reflex.

 

"No, no, it's fine. It's all good, really." He smiled slightly and then nodded to her as he turned to leave the room. On the way out, he could still feel her eyes on his back, but he didn't turn around again.

 

He walked quickly to his office, with the aim of checking his emails. He couldn't remember her mentioning that she would be back. And she should have, shouldn't she? At least there was no obvious reason why she wouldn't. He filtered his emails and skimmed the last messages they had exchanged. With a bad feeling, he realized that he hadn't replied to her for two weeks, but there was no mention of her arrival in the old messages either. The strange thing was that he couldn't even remember opening the last emails, since he usually only opened them when he took the time to answer them. Frowning, he read her emails again; they were the same as always, nothing special caught his eye. He decided to get in touch himself, this time with a text message. As soon as he dug his phone out of his pocket, he stared at the screen, at her name, and sighed.

'Hey, I heard you're coming home at the end of the week.' The message felt unfinished, it lacked any kind of emotion, but he didn't know what else to write, his thoughts were far too confused. In the end, he ended the message with 'I'm looking forward to it.'

 

****

 

He had been looking forward to Claire's visit, so much so that he couldn't think of anything else, even if he didn't want to admit it. Her answer to his message hadn't been particularly meaningful: 'I'm looking forward to seeing you all too.'

This message triggered something in him, but he couldn't say exactly what.

 

This week the mood in the hospital changed, it became more turbulent, more restless. The anticipation of the upcoming operations was noticeable among all the staff, six organ removals, six organ transplants, all in one day, it was exciting, a matter of all or nothing. So many people would be helped that day if everything went well. But it wasn't just the anticipation of the operations that kept the hospital awake, it was also Claire's return. She had a lot of friends here who missed her and couldn't wait to see her again. And even those who didn't know her were excited to meet her, she had become something of a legend - the heroine of Guatemala. It was an exciting hustle and bustle and Neil was all the more relieved when Friday finally arrived. Shaun's anticipation in particular was electrifying - of course he didn't hide it and talked almost exclusively about Claire. It was only to be expected that this feeling would rub off on Neil. He had worked particularly hard the rest of the week, spending extra hours at Cooper Blade - out of pride and also because he wanted to show Claire what he had achieved with her help. He was already feeling much better and with cautious optimism Neil promised him and his family that he would be able to leave the hospital in the middle of next week and hopefully wouldn't have to go back so quickly.

 

"So, has everyone internalized their part, or do we need to go over it again?" asked Audrey, looking around. Everyone who would be involved in the operations had gathered in the residents' lounge and had spent the last half hour going through the plan again. Now everyone knew which patient they were assigned to and what they had to pay attention to. Although Lim was a bit vague when it came to Neil's part in the whole thing. Everyone had been given the task of keeping the patients stable until Sunday and then operating. It was unusual, operations were not usually scheduled on Sundays as the rooms were reserved for emergencies. However, there were more rooms and doctors available on the last day of the week than on any other day.

Nobody said anything, they nodded in agreement and Audrey sighed contentedly. "Okay, that's good. As some of you have already noticed, the patients arrived at the hospital an hour ago. I gave Dr. Wolke and Dr. Allen the glorious task of repeating all the important tests." She grinned slightly. "They will keep us updated and all we can do is keep our fingers crossed that everything goes well now." Neil nodded absentmindedly as he leafed through the documents. It was a good plan, a very good one. It just had to work.

"Okay, so the only one we're still waiting for." She paused briefly before raising her gaze. A broad smile spread across her face. "Ah, there she is."

 

"Hey." A voice said behind them, making them all turn around. And there she was, standing in front of them, still holding a small travel bag and smiling. Claire, as if she had never been away, as if she hadn't changed a bit. But she seemed different, her expression was not the same, it was as if her gaze wanted to tell a story about what she had seen and done, but didn't. Her smile was still radiant, captivating everyone as always. For a brief moment, no one said anything, they just stared as if they weren't sure she was really there. Then Shaun jumped up and ran to her.

 

"Claire is back! She's here!" he shouted as he fell into her arms. It was strange to see him so completely full of joy, but it was also infectious. Claire laughed heartily as she hugged him, as surprised as she was excited. Audrey also stood up and walked around the table with her arms outstretched. Shaun, who had finally let go of Claire, was still jumping on the spot, the light in his eyes had not faded. Now Audrey hugged Claire, it was calmer, but just as warm and Neil could see the emotion in Claire's face. She was beautiful, just as he remembered. The way her eyes crinkled when she smiled, the little giggle that left her lips - it was just like it had been back then and Neil wondered how he could ever forget her beauty. The memory he had of her did not do justice to her image.

Neil considered getting up too, but he didn't trust his body. It was so surreal to see her, he had imagined this moment over and over and now it had come. He just stared at her, his mind almost empty.

 

"Okay, okay. Let's end this for now and enjoy ourselves later." Audrey said as she broke away from Claire and pushed her to the table. There was quiet murmuring everywhere, everyone was saying something to Claire, a friendly greeting, a comment about how good she looked, it was very exciting. Neil watched the two of them approaching and only then did he realize the empty seat next to him. He had been so focused on her gaze, on her green eyes that met his across the room. Audrey went back to her seat and Claire came to stand next to him, stowed her bag behind her and pushed her chair back into place. She smiled down at him - a warm gesture, but there was something more in her gaze, something that he couldn't quite interpret. The smile on Neil's face came completely automatically and her breath caught, as she saw it, her guard slipping just enough for him to see the vulnerability in her eyes. She looked away, but for a brief moment she put her hand on his arm.

"Hey," she said simply as she sat down and removed her hand. The point where she had just touched him felt electric and he didn't know if it was simply because of how excited he was to see her or something more.

 

“Hey.” His throat felt tight, the words caught somewhere between wanting to say more and not knowing how. He hadn't prepared for this moment, for seeing her again after everything. He hadn't prepared himself for the feeling he would feel when he saw her smile again, for the memories that would bubble up inside him at the brief touch of her fingers. The connection they’d shared before still lingered, hanging in the space between them like an invisible thread pulling them closer. The tension between them had become almost second nature, an undercurrent to everything they did, and yet… it felt new now, as if they were feeling it for the first time. He had gotten used to it before, had somehow learned to deal with it without getting too involved. But now, after all this time, it was as if he had no control over it.

She gave him another quick smile before turning away from him. Neil had been sure that everyone would have noticed this moment between them, everyone would be wondering what exactly it was between them - but that wasn't the case.

They were all already looking back at Dr. Lim, having already gotten used to Claire's presence it seemed. It was strange, Neil couldn't imagine ever getting used to her presence again. Taking her for granted felt impossible in those few moments.

 

Neil tried to concentrate on what was being said, to notice the questions being asked, to go over everything again, but he couldn't. Out of the corner of his eye, he allowed himself to look at Claire. Her brow was furrowed, her face, which was usually so carefree, was marked by something he couldn't define. He couldn't help but wonder if being in Guatemala was actually as good for her as she claimed. She seemed older, not in a bad way, but more mature, but her look told a different story. He didn't want to read too much into the brief glimpse he had caught. Maybe she was exhausted from the long journey, or the stress of the last few months in quarantine. It was a strange feeling of closeness to her in the midst of distance. Familiar in a new, nervous way. A feeling he couldn't shake.

 

"So, Claire, I was just about to tell Dr. Melendez," Neil looked up when he heard his name, "that he will be joining you and your patient." Audrey said and Neil frowned.

 

"Uh, the plan was that Park and Claire would operate together." He said, glancing briefly at Alex, who shrugged. Audrey nodded and pointed to the papers in front of her again.

 

"Yes, it was, but little Gonzales' blood pressure kept getting too high during the flight here. It's to be expected, she's very excited, but" She gave him a meaningful look, a single muscle twitched beneath her eye, but otherwise, her face remained motionless "I feel more comfortable if you're in there with her. If anything happens..." Neil nodded cautiously, but didn't question it. If the patient hadn't had any problems with her blood pressure before, which wasn't the case since it wasn't noted in the medical records, his presence in the OR was just as important as in any other. He wondered if there was another reason for the rescheduling, but he said nothing when he saw Claire's brief smile.

"So we're assuming the tests are normal. On Sunday, when-" Claire started, but was interrupted by the sound of the others' pagers. Neil pulled his out of his pocket and looked at the display.

 

"An emergency in the ER. Incoming." He mumbled and looked up, Audrey waved her off.

 

"Okay, you go, I'll explain things to Claire." Neil stood up, and with him Park and Shaun, as well as the interns who were gathered in the room. Neil put his hand on Claire's shoulder for a moment and squeezed it gently before he also quickly left the room.

 

****

The hum of the emergency room was relentless, the kind of chaos that demanded everyone’s full attention. Neil thrived in it, he always had. But today, something was different. He was overwhelmed with his thoughts and could barely concentrate on the patients who were being admitted. Why had Audrey changed the plan at short notice so that he and Claire would operate together? That was exactly what they had talked about and he had assured her that it would not have been necessary. And had he just imagined Claire's strange look? Something seemed to be wrong. He still couldn't understand that she was just there again, even if only for a short time. But she really was. He was glad that the chaos in the ER was slowly dissipating and that everything had been brought under control. It had taken over an hour to slowly get everything under control and Neil could only imagine the chaos on the streets. Letting out a heavy breath, he completed his patient's file and instructed a nurse to page Glassman for a second opinion.

A familiar voice floated above the noise, crisp and commanding, cutting through his thoughts like a scalpel. He turned toward the sound, and there she was. Claire.

She stood at the center of the action, calm and composed as she directed the nurses. Her hair was tied back, her scrubs a little too new, as though they hadn’t yet been broken in. It was her, sliding back into the ER as if she’d never left. Neil lingered for a moment, watching her adjust the monitor on a patient, her movements fluid, precise. He should have expected this. Claire wasn’t the type to sit still. And yet, seeing her here, so soon after her return, tugged at something in him he wasn’t ready to examine.

“Claire?” he called, weaving through the crowded space toward her.

She glanced up briefly, her expression unreadable.

 

“Dr. Melendez.” The tone in her voice, cold and distant, made him involuntarily recoil.

 

“Shouldn’t you be… I don’t know, taking a break or something?” He stopped a few feet from her, crossing his arms. He tried to sound casual, but the edge in his voice betrayed him. It was not uncharacteristic of her to jump in wherever she was needed, but it still seemed a little early to Neil. Although she did not have control over her patients - they were guarded by the residents - she had apparently come to the hospital straight from the plane, had not even unpacked her bag and was now standing in the middle of the chaos of the emergency room, acting as if she had always been here and had never left.

Claire barely looked at him, her focus on the patient before her.

 

“This is me taking a break.” Neil raised an eyebrow. The tone in her voice so completely foreign, so different from what he was used to from her.

 

“This is you taking a break?”

She finally turned to face him, and he caught the faintest flicker of irritation in her eyes.

 

“It’s a car crash victim, Neil. They were short-staffed. What was I supposed to do, stand by and watch?” The logical part of him couldn’t argue with that, but something about the situation still didn’t sit right with him. He leaned in slightly, lowering his voice.

 

“You just got back today. We have enough to deal with the domino transplant. It's okay if you just deal with that for now, we haven't done anything else for weeks. I-“ She straightened, tilting her chin up.

 

"I'm fine." There it was — those two words that shut down any argument before it began. But Neil wasn't convinced. He knew her well enough to know when something was off, and after months apart, there was an unfamiliar tension in her voice, something she wasn’t saying.

 

“You don’t have to prove anything,” he said quietly, searching her face for any sign of what was really going on. “Not to me. Not to anyone.” Her jaw tightened, and for a moment, he thought she might argue. But then her shoulders relaxed just a bit.

 

“It’s not about proving anything. I just… I needed to do something. Sitting around and waiting isn’t my style.”He nodded, although the tightness in his chest didn’t ease. A little taken aback by her dismissive behavior, he felt the words almost get stuck in his throat for fear of saying the wrong thing.

 

“Fair enough. But don’t push yourself too hard, okay?” Claire turned back to the patient, her voice softer now.

 

“Noted.”

Neil lingered for a moment longer, watching as she worked. She was as brilliant and determined as ever, but there was something different about her now, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Maybe it was the time she’d spent away, or maybe it was just the way they’d left things before she left. Unfinished. Maybe she felt it too. The strange feeling between them, that almost everything was the same as always, but in a way everything felt weird between them. He wanted to ask her about Guatemala, about their emails, about the patient she was here for, about… everything. But the timing wasn't right. The ER was no place for personal conversations. As he turned to walk away, he caught her glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, just for a second. And that fleeting moment, brief as it was, was enough to remind him of everything that still hung unspoken between them. Neil paused just as he was about to leave, his feet rooted to the floor. Something tugged at him, an unspoken urge to bridge the gap between them.

He sighed and turned to her again. Looking over the emergency room, he noticed once again, that all of the victims of the accident had already been treated; slowly, calm was returning. Her body visibly tensed as he stood behind her; he didn't want to cross any boundaries, but the need to return to the old lightness that they had lost somewhere between here and Guatemala was stronger.

 

“How long are you staying here?” his voice steady but quiet enough to be just for her. “How many days?” She said nothing, her eyes fixed on her patient, then sighed.

 

“Until the middle of next week, I guess.” Her words more a question than an answer, and Neil nodded. He had known she would stay to do follow-up with her patients, but a small, selfish part of him had hoped they would find time for each other. He hesitated for only a second before stepping closer, dropping his arms to his sides.

 

“When we’re done here, after everything’s settled, do you want to grab something to eat? Or coffee?” He tried to keep it casual, but the weight behind his words lingered in the air between them. Her hands froze mid-motion, and for a moment, she didn’t answer. Neil felt his chest tighten, the silence stretching a beat too long.

 

“I’d like that,” she said softly, her voice cutting through his spiraling thoughts. He exhaled, and it felt like the first real breath he’d taken all day.

 

“Okay. Good.” Claire’s lips curved into the faintest smile, and something shifted in her eyes—something lighter, freer. The weight she’d been carrying since he saw her earlier seemed to lift, just a little. He realized then how much he’d missed that smile. The sparkle in her eyes returned as she turned to him.

 

“But I can’t,” she finally said, but before Neil could ask, a cheeky grin formed at the corners of her mouth. “Not today, at least.” Neil folded his arms, the sparkle in her eyes revealing his crooked smile.

 

“Who got there before me?“ he asked, mock-hurt, and Claire rolled her eyes as she pushed past him to get to the nurses’ station. He followed her without hesitation and watched as she wrote something in the medical record.

 

"Well, Shaun." She said with a warm tone in her voice and Neil was not surprised. As much as Shaun had been happy about her return, it was only a matter of time before he wanted to take her over completely. He couldn't blame him, it had been obvious how much he had missed her and judging by her smile, she had felt the same way. "But we're not meeting until tomorrow, today..." She sighed and turned to him. "Yes, I do need a break." She finally admitted and Neil gave her a sympathetic smile.

 

"Yes, I get that." He said warmly and put a hand on her arm without thinking. Her gaze followed his movement and stopped for a moment. As if she wanted to say something, she held her breath for a moment, but a brief twitch in the corner of her mouth seemed to replace this thought.

 

"But if you’re nice to me, I can offer you Monday. If you are free." Neil grinned at her words and leaned back, his hands in his pockets.

 

"I can't promise that I'll be nice, that depends on how you do in our OR, but I'd definitely have time on Monday."

 

"It's a date then." She nodded and for a brief moment he lost himself in her eyes, in the warm expression that emanated from them. She looked tired but lighter somehow, as if just the idea of ​​this moment, of finally being able to mess with each other again, had taken some of the weight off her. At least that's how it was for him. Her lips opened slightly and it seemed as if she wanted to say something, but like so many times before, she didn't.

 

"So you've already met the new interns?" Neil finally asked, because he wasn't ready for the conversation to end. "What do you say? All idiots, aren't they?" Claire laughed and sighed as she leaned back against the wall, her head tilted slightly back, her eyes directed upwards.

 

"I don't know, I think I'll find out. The next few days are going to be... interesting." She shoved her hands in her pockets and looked at her feet. "I've really missed this, maybe that's why I can't sit still. It all feels so … normal." A slight smile crossed her face, but disappeared as quickly as it had come. "But there are so many new faces, so many new people. I was talking to a nurse earlier and asked her to give my patient a transfusion, until I realized..." She looked over at Neil, already a slight twitch in the corner of her mouth - she knew he would laugh at that. "...that this wasn't a nurse, but a patient who was simply given a change of clothes because her clothes were torn in the accident." Neil laughed, more at the way Claire's expression changed than at the story, and she laughed with him.

It was a sincere and warm laugh that reminded them of times gone by. Countless hours in the resident lounge, when evenings turned into nights while they searched for a solution to a patient and the only thing that kept them sane were sarcastic remarks to Shaun that he didn't understand but that made them laugh all the more. Evenings together in the bar, when they were so drunk that they let their walls down more than usual and told each other stories from the past that they would have been ashamed of when they were sober. It was a warm and sincere laugh that made it seem as if all those memories had happened only yesterday.

She shook her head, still smiling, a few strands of hair coming out of her braid. "So I should definitely get to know the new people," she finally said and Neil grimaced.

 

"Yeah, you probably should." She rolled her eyes.

 

“Nobody could‘ve known that we’ll have a completely new staff if I leave it for a while.” She joked. Neil smirked.

 

“You’ve been gone too long.” She raised an eyebrow.

 

“Four months isn’t that long.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, Neil almost didn’t hear the uncertainty in her voice.

 

“It is when you’re not here.” The words slipped out before he could stop them, and for a moment, they both froze. Neil saw the flicker of surprise in her eyes, quickly masked by something unreadable. Claire looked down, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

He wanted to take the meaning out of his words with a bad joke, but hesitated. It was exactly what he meant and would certainly not have crossed any lines if she had known. But before he could add anything, another voice broke through the tense atmosphere between them, tearing them out of their bubble of the past. Neil felt his stomach twist as he turned to the voice. This was the worst possible time for it. He had almost forgotten her, forgotten that she even existed, that she stood between what had built up between him and Claire in that moment. But when he saw her, the sight teleported him right back to the present.

 

"Hey, Neil." Nicole said as she was almost standing next to him. Neil felt a feeling rise in him that he had never had before when it came to her. Was it shame? Or guilt? He couldn't say, but the lump that formed in his throat when she joined them underlined his discomfort.

 

"Hey, what are you doing here?" His voice more accusatory than he had intended, but luckily she didn't notice and smiled.

 

"I brought some injured from the interstate. Charles and I happened to be there, it was hell out there. So much for a relaxing morning." Neil hardly heard a word that came out of her mouth, out of the corner of his eye he saw Claire tense up and not quite knowing how to handle the situation. "I really thought this would never end. I can't remember the last time I witnessed such a bad car accident." Park appeared behind her back and cast a quick glance in their direction. Neil hoped that he had noticed his look of help as he took a step towards them. He pulled a questioning face for a moment and even though he didn't fully understand the situation, he nodded almost imperceptibly.

 

"Oh, um. Claire, can you come here for a minute, I need your help." Closing his eyes for a moment, Neil breathed a sigh of relief and even though he couldn't be sure, he thought he saw Claire relaxing too.

 

"Oh, wait a minute. Claire? Like Claire Browne?" Nicole asked, raising her hand slightly to stop Claire in her tracks. A confused look crossed Claire's face, but she nodded slightly.

 

"Uh, yeah, that would be me, I guess." Her voice was not as confident as it usually was, and Neil felt his muscles tense as he gritted his teeth. Nicole held out her hand to Claire, her smile sincere and inviting. Alex walked past them, raising his hands apologetically, as he no longer had control over the situation, and then disappeared.

 

"Claire, the doctor who flies patients in from nowhere to give them a new organ. Neil has told me so much about you." Her words cut through the air like a knife, and at the sight of Claire's confused expression, Neil's stomach turned. He had always made a point of not talking to Nicole about Claire much, and he had assumed that he was protecting Nicole, but maybe it was Claire he was protecting. But from the moment it became clear that she was coming back, it was all he could think about and he couldn't hide it from Nicole. Of course he had left out everything that had happened between them privately, but even the fact that he had said a single word about her seemed to have been too much at that moment.

 

"Oh...really?" Claire shook her hand, her gaze flicking between her and Neil. Neil thought about what he could say to defuse the situation, but his throat was tight.

 

"Oh yes of course, I almost feel like I've known you forever." A gentle smile had formed on Claire's face, but it didn't reach her eyes. There was something else in her eyes, but Neil couldn't bring himself to look at her any longer.

 

"Well, that's nice." She finally said, her voice a few octaves higher than usual. "And um...who are you?" There it was, the question Neil knew he couldn't avoid answering forever. Weeks ago he should have just been honest with Claire, told her about Nicole, she would have been surprised, but now... now she would feel even more like he had passed her over, that he had kept Nicole a secret because ... because ... he was a coward? Because he was afraid of her reaction or simply because he had hoped he wouldn't have to tell her?

 

"Oh, sorry, I'm Nicole." She said, apparently just as surprised by Claire's confused expression as Neil hated himself at that moment and wished he could just disappear into thin air. "Um... Neil's girlfriend." She finally said, and Neil only dared to raise his eyes and look at Claire for a brief moment. But that moment was enough. For a split second, countless emotions flashed across her face, but a short time later her mask was perfect again, her smile emotionless.

 

"Oh, yes, right. My bad. Nice to finally meet you." Her voice was warm, but her gaze told a different story. Neil felt his heart pounding against his chest, a million words were on the tip of his tongue, but none of them came out. The silence between the three of them was uncomfortable and Neil knew he had to say something, anything.

 

"Well, I'll go see what Dr. Park needed." Claire said, smiling again in Nicole's direction as she took a step away from them. "Maybe see you later, Nicole." For a split second, her gaze landed on Neil, but then she disappeared with a soft smile. Neil watched from there, suppressing the urge to follow her, knowing he had no right to do so. She had no right to be mad at him, if she even was, but he still felt like an idiot for not just being honest with her.

 

"She seems very nice." Nicole smiled, gently putting her arm around Neil's waist. Neil flinched slightly at her touch, but eventually put his arm and waist around her as well.

 

"Yes, she is."

 

****

 

For the rest of the day, it seemed to Neil that Claire was avoiding him, at least he didn't really see her anymore and when he did, it was only when she was leaving the room. He didn't know how to deal with it, how to deal with her, whether he should try to talk to her or not. After all, there was so much to discuss between them, old and new, and it was long past time for a clarifying conversation. But if she was really avoiding him, then he didn't want to cross a line, but at least he wanted to know whether the meeting on Monday would still take place or not.

Neil took the evening for himself, one of the few evenings he didn't spend with Nicole. It felt good to finally be alone again, the loud noises in his head finally found some order. He knew that he owed Claire an apology for not being honest with her, or at least for hiding that part of his life from her. If she had actually felt something for him before she left, he could only imagine how hurt she must have been in the emergency room today. Although he had given up hope long ago that his feelings for her were mutual, he just couldn't shake the memory of the look in her eyes.

With the glass in his hands, he stared at the screen and considered what he could or should have said. What would he want to hear if he were in her position? At least he wouldn't want to receive a meaningless text in the middle of the night, that's the only thing he knew. Neil sighed and put his phone back in his pocket. As he sat here alone in his kitchen, with nothing but his whiskey glass in his hands, he thought back over the last few months. He stared at the grapes that were in the same glass bowl as always, and they took him back to the past, to the month before Claire left. When nothing else was important but the time with her. He thought about how it had been when she had been with him almost every day, here in his apartment, the hours that had felt so short because he would have preferred to freeze time. Stopped in a moment of time where everything had stopped being complicated, where it had only been them, despite the fact that there had been something between them.

 

He took a grape and turned it between his fingers, thinking of how he had refilled the bowl with a smile after every meeting with her, because she had eaten it every time in the hours she had been here. And then it fell like scales from his eyes, the reason why he had always been with Nicole and she had never been here. Because this had not only been his apartment, but the place that Claire had made a home with her laughter, with her silly habits - even if only for a very short time. Maybe that was why he had never wanted Nicole here, because he had held on too much to what had happened here. Because in those few weeks it had felt like these moments were the future he actually wanted, he needed. Nothing more. Letting Nicole in here would have ruined this perfect picture and maybe he hadn't been ready for that until now, because a small part of him had perhaps been waiting for Claire to return.

But now she was back and even if the situation with Nicole was now easy and natural, the situation with Claire was not. It was confusing and loud, overwhelming and - his past. Nicole was the present and the future... right?

When Neil went to bed that night, his head was full, his thoughts were racing and as he slowly drifted off to sleep, Claire lingered in the back of his mind.

 

****

 

When Neil had imagined what it would be like when Claire came back, he hadn't imagined it to be so complicated, and at first he seemed to be right. When they had talked and joked in the ER, it had been almost like it always was, and that was exactly what he had hoped for. Everything that had happened after that... was different than he expected.

The next day was hardly any different either. He hardly heard anything from the others, most of them were too busy preparing for the next day's operations. The only person he talked to was Dr. Chase, who spent the day in the ER. When they got a coffee during their short lunch break, Dr. Chase was telling him about a particularly exciting case, about a woman who had swallowed her wedding ring by some strange coincidence, and Neil grinned at the appropriate parts of the story, but his attention was not on him.

As inconspicuously as possible, he tried to eavesdrop on the conversation between Aaron and Shaun, who were sitting two tables away. In the hope that Shaun would tell him something about his meeting with Claire, Neil leaned a little more inconspicuously towards them, always making sure to at least follow Chase's story in passing. To his disappointment, Shaun briefly mentioned that he and Lea were planning to have a games night with Claire in his apartment, but that didn't help him much. He had hoped that, since Shaun liked it so much, they might go to a karaoke bar again and he could join them unobtrusively and engage Claire in conversation without being too intrusive. But eavesdropping didn't give him much more information, so he sighed and sank back into his chair and occupied himself with Dr. Chase's detailed description of how he had gotten the ring out of the woman.

 

"Oh, there you are." Alex called and waved to Neil, who was glad to have a distraction that would take him out of the conversation with Chase that had gone on far too long. "I've been looking for you." With a meaningful look, Park told Chase to vacate his seat and he nodded.

 

"I'm going back to work then." He said as he stood up and Neil smiled as he disappeared. Alex pulled out his chair and sighed contentedly when he could finally sit down after many hours on his feet. He leaned back and turned the bright red apple in his hands as if it were a basketball.

 

"What was that yesterday in the ER?" he asked and Neil knew immediately what he was talking about. He thought back to the unpleasant encounter and ran a hand over his face.

 

"I don't know. It was weird." He admitted and Alex tilted his head.

 

"Weird with who? Nicole or Claire?" Neil sighed and leaned back to cross his arms. It was a difficult situation, that was all he knew.

"It's complicated." He simply said and watched as Alex leaned forward, a questioning expression on his face.

 

"Is it or are you just making it complicated?" Neil raised his eyebrow, more defensively than questioningly. Alex noticed his skepticism and shrugged dismissively. "Maybe you should stop complicating everything, because it's actually not that difficult. Your mistake is that you always listen to logic and not your heart." Neil knew he was right, he had always found it difficult to switch off logic when it came to emotional decisions, because he hoped that if he switched on his mind he could influence the outcome. But that was also the reason he had never been honest with Claire - because logically it wasn't right, it was forbidden. If he had just listened to his heart back then, the whole thing would probably have turned out very differently.

 

"I'm not even sure what I think or should think." He finally said, because that was the closest thing to the truth. Park took a bite of his apple and shook his head again.

 

"There's your problem again, you think too much." Neil rolled his eyes, leaned forward and stared into his empty coffee mug.

 

"How am I supposed to know anything if I don't think about it?" Alex laughed a grumpy laugh and then sighed.

 

"You shouldn't not think, but it would do you good to just... be. You're already so uptight with work." Neil gave him a warning look and Alex waved him off. "I'm just saying, I think you're ruining things with Nicole too, because you're looking for things that aren't perfect. But not everything has to fit or be perfect. Love isn't about perfection. Look at Morgan and I." Neil thought about the times he'd seen Alex and Morgan together. Admittedly, it hadn't been often, but whenever he had, they seemed content and happy, even if he never expected that, given how much they'd repelled each other in the beginning. "We're not perfect, we argue, we constantly disagree and she drives me crazy, every single day." A warm smile played around his lips. "But I wouldn't have it any other way. Because my heart tells me that she's the right one for me, even if that doesn't really make sense." He took another bite of his apple and watched Neil's facial expressions for signs of understanding. When he didn't find many, he sighed again. "The thing with Nicole... you're perfect for each other, I think. But that's not what matters and I think you know that too. You've known that from the beginning and that's also the reason why you're not as far along in the relationship as you could be."

 

"It doesn't work because we're perfect for each other?" Neil asked skeptically. Alex hesitated for a moment, but then shook his head.

 

"No, I just think you maybe wanted it to work too much. So you could skip all that confusing nonsense. That's why you slipped into this relationship way too quickly, even though you still had ... someone else in your heart."

 

"That's coming from someone who was still in a relationship with another woman, for what felt like seconds before he got together with Morgan," Neil grumbled, but Park shrugged off the comment.

 

"And since I've been with Morgan, I know where I belong. Do you?" The words that cut into Neil like a knife were hard, but they weren't wrong. He let the meaning sink in for a moment and then sighed.

 

"So you think I should break up with Nicole?" Alex raised his hands defensively, but his eyes were warm and understanding.

 

"I didn't say that. I just think that for someone who is so good with words as a mentor, you're terrible at communicating when it comes to … you." With a softer, more tender voice he continued. "Maybe you love Nicole. Maybe you love Claire, maybe both of them, I don't know." He met Neil's gaze and his eyes were more serious than the words he was speaking. "But I think it's time you finally talked to her."

 

"The thing about Nicole is - " Park raised his hand, interrupting him directly.

 

"I don't mean Nicole. I think you finally need to talk to Claire." Neil gave him a questioning look and he shook his head. "For heaven's sake, talk to her, about everything you felt for her, how you felt when she left, everything. Simply saying it, whatever it is, will finally give you some closure. Otherwise, there will always be the what ifs and she will always be the one that got away, always the thoughts of a possible future you might have had. You will never be able to built a healthy relationship with anyone if you keep rethinking everything.” He leaned back, obviously relieved that he had finally said those words, and Neil couldn't help but wonder how long Park had been thinking like that. But there was a lot of truth in what he had said. He hadn't had problems like that before; he had gotten every woman he wanted. At least the ones he was really serious about. The situation was different because he didn't even know which woman he really wanted. That wasn't him - torn between doing the right thing and doing the thing he actually wanted. He was the guy who knew what he wanted and did everything he could to achieve it.

 

"Well then," he began hesitantly, Alex's warm gaze immediately calmed him down. "Thank you for being so honest with me." Only now did he realize that he had never spoken to Park about Claire or his feelings for her, at least not properly, because he hadn't had to. Now knowing that he had seen something that he had probably closed his eyes to.

 

"I'll never miss an opportunity to give you a piece of my mind, Melendez." They shared a laugh and Neil was glad to have Alex by his side. He was one of the few people he could talk to openly without being judged, he knew that now. They were silent for a moment, both lost in what was bothering them, and Neil realized that he had been far too preoccupied with himself, that he had barely noticed what was going on in his friends' lives.

 

"How... will things continue with Morgan? The whole thing with her hands..." Neil began and Alex's face immediately darkened a little.

 

"Yeah, it's difficult, I don't know." The sound of a pager interrupted him and out of medical habit both of them checked their pagers. It was Neils.

 

"Oh crap, I have to go there. Sorry," he said as he pushed himself up from his chair. "I owe you one." With a tap on his shoulder, he said goodbye to Park.

 

“I’ll remind you of that!” he heard him call as he got up to go to Claire, who had paged him.

 

****

 

The nurse handed him the patient's file and Neil glanced over it briefly so as not to enter the room unprepared. Through the open door he could already see Claire, who was having an animated conversation with the two of them. Little snippets of conversation reached Neil and he was surprised to see that Claire was speaking to the two of them in English. He had not expected the two girls from Guatemala to speak English, but that made things easier. With a confident smile and the medical file in his hand, he entered the room and nodded in the direction of the two girls lying in the hospital beds. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Claire smiling briefly.

 

"Rosita, Maria - I'm Dr. Melendez." He said and the older of the two nodded at him.

 

"My sister prefers to be called Rosi, if that's okay." Her voice was warm and friendly, but still a little difficult to understand due to the relatively strong dialect. A quick glance at the file told him that the younger one would be the one who would receive the organ, while her sister Maria was here for the donation. His smile widened and he nodded.

 

"Of course, so Rosi, Maria, I'm Dr. Melendez and I'll be assisting Dr. Browne with your operations." His gaze flickered to Claire for a brief moment, but it was enough to see the surprise reflected in her eyes. She said nothing, but she stood up a little straighter, almost imperceptibly. "I'm sure she has already answered your questions in detail and was able to calm your nerves a little." He ended the last sentence with a questioning undertone as he focused specifically on Rosita.

 

"Yes, Claire is very clever. She explained everything to us several times." The little sister said happily, Maria smiled gently.

 

"That's true. Rosi isn't afraid at all anymore, Claire was able to calm us down well."

 

"She's the best at that." Neil said, hardly surprised by the warm undertone in his voice. His eyes met hers and for a brief moment he felt something familiar, a warm feeling in his stomach. It was pride. Claire's eyes sparkled briefly as she gave him a grateful smile, then she slipped her hands into her pockets and looked away, which brought Neil back to the present.

 

"Rosi, I noticed that your blood pressure is a bit too high again." He said, looking at the medical file. That was also the reason why Claire had paged him.

 

"Is that bad? For the operation, then?" Maria asked worriedly. Neil looked at the documents again, taking into account her previous values.

 

"Hm. The current values ​​are not critical, but what worries me is that you have been having problems with your blood pressure for a while. Are you currently on medication?" Rosi shook her head and Neil's gaze flicked to Claire for a moment. Her forehead was furrowed, her face lined with concern, but she just shrugged her shoulders.

 

"We weren't aware of any blood pressure problems before the trip here. The symptom is relatively new." Neil nodded and looked at the files again. The mood in the room had changed, he sensed the tension of the others, and he closed the documents in over-excited excitement and smiled.

 

"But don't worry, Rosi. I won't leave your side during the operation and I'll tell you a little secret." He leaned forward slightly, his voice lowered just enough for the others to hear. "I really know a lot about hearts, you're in the best hands with me," he added with a wink, enjoying the satisfied smiles of the two patients. For a brief moment he remembered the conversation with Park in the cafeteria and grinned at the thought of how ironic he would‘ve found the situation - as a cardiothoracic surgeon he was the specialist in everything that had to do with the heart - in private he probably still needed a little help.

Neil leaned towards Claire, his voice a little quieter now because it was only for her. "After the operation I'd like to do a few more tests, just to be sure. I'm assuming that this is all due to stress, but before" He hesitated for a brief, barely noticeable moment "- before you leave again, I want to make sure that we don't miss anything." Claire nodded in agreement, but from the look in her eyes she had already made this decision herself. Nodding, Neil gave her a satisfied smile before turning back to Rosi and her older sister. He made sure that no new questions had arisen and that they could wait for the next day as calmly as possible.

They joked a little together as Claire mentioned a story about Guatemala and they reminisced a little, then Neil said goodbye until the next day and Claire followed him. He tried not to attach too much importance to their proximity as they disappeared out the door almost at the same time. With a clearing of his throat and the file in his hand, he went back to the nurse's station, watching Claire out of the corner of his eye, who followed him directly. After he had given the documents to the nurse, he leaned against the station and grinned.

 

"What?" he asked, following Claire's expression. Her eyebrows were slightly raised, her arms crossed.

 

"You're assisting me?" Neil took a moment to watch her before answering. He had missed that tone in her voice - ironic and cheeky. The corner of his mouth twitched slightly, then he just shrugged.

 

"You're the lead surgeon. These are your patients." He said with a matter-of-factness in his voice that almost hid the pride it contained. Almost. "So yes, I'll assist you. Unless, of course, you can't stand being in the OR with me without me bossing you around." He added with his usual sarcastic tone, making her roll her eyes. It couldn’t hide the smile that crept onto her lips, tho.

 

"No, it's just different." She finally said.

 

"It is." There was something in his words that gave them more meaning, Claire raised her eyes and met his. They said nothing, but it felt like they both understood in that moment. It was different and it felt different since she was back. And Neil knew that Alex was probably right, it couldn't go on like this forever. That he kept questioning what she was trying to tell him with her looks, whether he had had a chance with her and whether they had ever been on the same page. His eyes involuntarily darted to her lips for a split second. In that second … when all reason simply stopped, when his body wanted to do the thinking for him. But before he could give in to the urge of gravity, his mind started working again.

He cleared his throat and involuntarily took a small step away from her.

 

"So, about Monday..." he began, hoping fervently that she was still willing to meet him despite their encounter in the emergency room. "Any plans, what we want to do?" His voice as casual as possible, even though the expectation that resonated in it was unmistakable. But watching even the slightest movement on her face, he couldn't miss the moment when she doubted. It was only a second before her mask slipped back into place, but it was enough to unsettle Neil.

 

"Yes, about that," she began, the tone of her voice not recognizable, but the pause she left felt like an eternity. "Um, no, I'm not sure yet." She smiled slightly, but it didn't reach her eyes. "You can think of something." Neil returned the smile when he realized that nothing would stand in the way of the meeting now.

 

"I'm sure I'll think of something." Claire opened her mouth, but closed it again before the words could slip out of her lips. Instead, she shook her head and smiled.

 

"Let's get the operation over with first, then we'll talk."

 

Neil nodded, but in truth he knew exactly what he was going to do with her on Monday.

 

---

 

 

Notes:

What will they do on Monday? hmm ;)

Chapter 8: A Glimpse of us Part II

Notes:

A bit early because I have to work tomorrow :)

But anyway, let's find out what these cuties are up to.

 

---

 

The operating room hummed with the quiet intensity of controlled chaos. Machines beeped, a steady rhythm monitoring Rosita’s fragile vitals. Overhead lights gleamed against the sterile blue of the surgical drapes. Claire took a steadying breath as she positioned herself at the operating table, hands poised, scalpel ready. This was her case. She was leading the procedure.
The first operation had gone well. It had been a simple procedure to remove the organ from the donor and pass it on to the leading team. They had both known that the hardest part was still ahead of them. Although Rosita was not a high-risk patient, there was still a certain mood in the room as they sterilized themselves for the operation. Neil was sure that everything would go well, but of course, in his subconscious there was the thought of what if it didn't. However, this was only motivation that drove him to do his best. Still, most of the work was in Claire's hands, but Neil had a good feeling, he trusted her and knew that she could handle the situation. It was by no means the first time that she had led an operation, and there was a reason why she was the first in her team to lead an operation during her residency.

Neil watched her closely, there was no sign of excitement in her eyes - only determination. He was always impressed by how passionate she was about her patients. Like an invisible power radiating from her, it was mesmerizing.
“All right,” Claire said, more to herself than anyone else. “Let’s do this.”
The scrub nurse handed her the scalpel. The first incision was clean, precise. No hesitation. The room settled into a rhythm, each movement efficient, each exchange of instruments seamless. The tension, however, was palpable, an undercurrent beneath the orchestrated efficiency.

 

“You went with the subcostal incision,” Neil noted, watching her work.

 

“Minimizes post-op pain,” Claire replied, her voice even. “Faster recovery time, it will be easier for us when we are back.” He nodded, a flicker of approval in his gaze. He knew he didn't need to question her about her decisions or watch her movements as if something could go wrong at any moment. But he did it anyway - out of habit, or maybe just because he had missed teaching so much and couldn't quite get out of his skin.

 

“Good call.”
Silence stretched between them, punctuated only by the steady beeping of the monitors and the quiet murmur of the surgical team. The air felt heavier than it should, even though the operation was proceeding and everything was going smoothly. It felt good to finally be working side by side with Claire again, this time under her leadership. It felt like time stood still in the OR, everything outside of this room lost importance. Neil followed her every hand movement while he himself only held the suction device. It was strange to give up the reins and take a back seat, and he would be lying if he said it wasn't difficult. Several times he had had to bite his tongue to avoid giving the nurse instructions or contradicting Claire. But before he did that, he asked her why she made the decisions she made during the operation, and each time he was persuaded to change his mind. She had it under control, his presence a mere formality.
Her fingers brushed his for a brief moment and he looked up, only to find her eyes already on him. It was only a split second before she looked away again.

"So." He began, as the silence surrounding them became uncomfortable. "How was your evening with Shaun?" He looked up and from what he could tell under the mask, a slight smile formed on her lips.

 

"It was nice, really good, actually." The tone in her voice was loving and Neil couldn't help but chuckle. He knew the evening had gone well, as Shaun had talked about nothing else when he had met him that morning. "We played charades, it was really funny." Neil furrowed his eyebrows.

 

"Charades? The three of you?" Claire looked up from the patient for a brief moment, her brow furrowed.

 

"Of course not." She explained, the tone in her voice suggesting a playful mockery. "Dr. Glassman was there, and Morgan and Alex too." Neil paused, Shaun hadn't said a word about that. He wondered if Alex had made any comments to her about him, but dismissed the thought immediately. After all, it would be pretty unthinkable that he would have taken the time during a reunion party to engage Claire in a conversation about complicated relationship dynamics that he wasn't even involved in. That wasn't who Alex was. However, Neil hoped that he had at least not spoken to Morgan about their conversation in the cafeteria, because then it would actually be a thing of the realm of possibility.

 

"And, you probably ripped everyone off there, didn't you?" Claire laughed quietly to herself, but shook her head.

 

"Suction! ... Well, to be honest, not at all. Lea and I somehow didn't really get along." She said, giggling slightly. "And Alex and Morgan guessed almost every word, it was really scary how well they know each other now." Neil nodded knowingly, he had understood that by now too. He should've probably tried a little harder to be friends with Morgan in the future, since it seemed that things could actually work out between her and Alex in the long term. Maybe Alex was actually right ...
Claire looked up, her eyes sparkled, the wrinkles that formed around her eyes reinforced her playful expression. "Although I have to say, that in the end we defined the rules a little ... ourselves, since Shaun ..."

 

"Well, is Shaun." Neil added and Claire nodded happily. Neil could imagine it only too well. A certain silence settled around them again, this time less uncomfortable, they focused on the operation, a little lost in their own thoughts. Claire sighed, which made Neil look up.

 

"It's really great how Shaun has developed, don't you think?" she asked, still looking at Rosita. Neil frowned slightly, waiting for her to elaborate, but she didn't.

 

"It is, he really is an extraordinary talent," he said and she nodded, but looked up for a moment. Her eyes flashed for a second with an emotion that had nothing to do with those in the OR.

 

"Yes, it is, but that's not what I meant." she began hesitantly. "I mean, as a person. It's hard to believe that this is the same Shaun as the one I saw a few weeks ago." Neil tilted his head and tried to read from her eyes whether this was a good thing or not, but he couldn't. The tone of her voice was also indecipherable.

 

"Well, maybe he isn't." he began hesitantly. "He's just changed, grown." Claire held his gaze for a moment before she looked back down.

 

"Obviously." The word hung in the air for a while, heavier than it had seemed. It sounded almost accusatory, but Neil couldn't imagine that it was directed at Shaun. As if she had read his thoughts, Claire shook her head. "Him and Lea are getting married." Neil froze in mid-motion, his eyes slightly wide as he stared at her with his mouth open.

 

"Really?!" Claire nodded, the small wrinkles around her eyes forming again, suggesting a smile under the mask. "That's great." Neil said, although his voice sounded a little too surprised. Shaun hadn't told him about that either. He had been so fixated on a story that had apparently happened earlier that evening that he had told it over and over again, down to the smallest detail. He had obviously left out all the important things. Typical.

 

"They are getting married. Alex and Morgan are completely in love with each other and you" She raised her gaze and Neil was quick enough to catch it before she looked away again. He had heard the meaning in that word, felt it, because she had left it hanging so openly in the air. And he was with Nicole. He nodded cautiously, not knowing what else to do or what Claire wanted to hear. "A lot has changed since I left. Everything seems to be different now.“ Neil could hear the change in her voice, the pain that resonated in it. She seemed so small and vulnerable, even though her expression remained cold and professional. He sighed quietly to give himself time to find the right words.

 

"Not everything has changed. Time just passed and things happened, that's all." For him, in this moment, things didn't seem to have changed at all. It had been so easy for them to be like this again, to be like them. Going back to the way it was before, like nothing would keep them from that.

 

"That's the same thing." He knew what she meant and there was no denying that outside of this operating room, things were different than they had been just a few months ago. But whenever he had been alone with her, it hadn't felt that way. There was still this attraction that made it almost impossible to stay away from her, even if he had intended to. As if by reflex, his eyes had searched the corridors in the hope of seeing her. He had thought of reasons to speak to her. When he'd shown her Cooper's improvements that morning, he'd gone into unnecessary detail to keep the conversation going. The brief moments when he couldn't help but be taken in by her smile, as if it were the first time he'd seen her smile. It was as if nothing had changed, but she was right. A lot was different now, and he had no right to pretend it wasn't.
"When I left, I knew that things like that could happen, I even expected them to. But seeing it now ... it's different." Her eyes lifted and met his. This time, she didn't bother to hide what she was actually feeling. It was as if he could see right through her eyes and sense what she was feeling. She didn't expect him to move on.
His lips parted, the words ready to come out.

“Shit! Met renal artery,” Claire cut in, her voice shifting into full focus.

 

“What happened?” Neil asked, his voice hard but calm. Claire said nothing, frantically searching the body for the source of the bleeding. Neil suctioned out as much as he could, but it was a mess.

 

“Starting anastomosis.” She said. They fell into professional silence once more. Claire carefully sutured the artery, her movements deliberate, precise. The transplant was progressing smoothly, but then -

“Blood pressure dropping,” called the anesthesiologist.

 

“What?” Her voice panicked for a moment, her gaze darted to the monitor.

 

“She’s bleeding again,” Neil said sharply, his eyes scanning the field. “Hemorrhage near the iliac vein.”

 

“Damn it.” Claire’s breath quickened, but her hands remained steady. “Suction. More lap pads. Clamping now.” A surgical tech moved swiftly to assist as Claire located the source of the bleed. The room, once humming with routine, now vibrated with urgency. Neil's voice cuts through the tension.

 

“You’ve got this, Claire.” She swallowed, nodding as she worked quickly. Seconds stretched unbearably long. The bleeding was significant, but she wasn't about to lose Rosita on her table. There it was. The tear was small but in a dangerous location.

 

“Need 6-0 prolene,” she said firmly. The needle driver was in her hand in an instant. Carefully, she placed sutures, her breath held as she tied them off. The bleeding slowed.

 

“BP stabilizing,” the anesthesiologist reported. A beat of silence. Neil felt the tension leaving his body and watched as Claire's eyes darted to the monitor again, this time less panicked.

 

“Nice work.” He said, his voice softer this time. Claire finally exhaled.

 

 “Not done yet.” She resumed the anastomosis, her confidence returning with each stitch. Slowly, the tension in the room eased, though the undercurrent between her and Neil remained. But for now, they were just surgeons. Just colleagues. As he watched her, he couldn't hide the pride in his eyes. “Kidney is perfusing,” Claire announced minutes later. “We're good to close.” There was a collective exhale from the team. Relief. Neil's eyes met hers over the table.

 

“Good Job, Claire.” She held his gaze a little longer, there was something in it, more than just relaxed tension. It was warmth. Claire swallowed, something unspoken passing between them.

 

“You too.”
And just like that, the moment was gone. The job wasn't over, and neither was what was simmering between them.

 

****

 

Neil watched Claire out of the corner of his eye, but she said nothing. There was silence between them, the only sound was the running water from the sink where they were washing themselves. What had happened in the operating room a few minutes ago was still anchored in his mind. Neil knew that Claire would have control over the situation, but the way she had behaved in there made him feel differently about her. She had panicked and yet she had regained control of the situation all on her own with calm and precision. She hadn't needed him in there.

"You were fantastic in there." That's all he said. Claire shook off her hands and turned to him, her look unreadable.

 

"It looked really bad for a moment." Her eyebrows furrowed, she watched him turn to her.

 

"Yes, it did. And you acted quickly and saved her life." She looked at him, the light in her eyes had returned.

 

"I know." She said with a proud smile, her chin slightly jutting out as she pushed past him. He followed her directly and tried to keep up with her. They walked quietly next to each other for a moment, the feeling between them a mixture of euphoria and pride. It was electrifying and with this feeling they set off to tell Audrey about the success. Neil hoped that the other operations would also be successful, but didn't want to get his hopes up too much. The chances of an organ being rejected despite a successful operation were not necessarily small.
The elevator door closed behind them, Neil folded his arms and waited. Claire said nothing, probably still too hyped up from the operation, Neil decided to take advantage of the situation.

 

"Can I ask you something?" he asked simply and immediately her gaze darted over to him. She didn't look directly at him, her eyes narrow. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and hesitated.

 

"Yeah, sure." Claire's voice didn't match her reserved demeanor, Neil watched her with slightly parted lips, but she stared stubbornly ahead at the metal door.

 

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?" Her eyes darted to him, a look of confusion in her eyes and an emotion that was hard to read.

 

"What are you talking about?" Neil sighed and shook his head.

 

"I know you're only staying for a short time and I know we haven't had much contact lately, but you haven't said anything?" The door opened and the two of them came out at the same time. Claire still tilted her head slightly as she looked at him.

 

"What do you mean I didn't tell you?" Neil paused and frowned. It was actually pretty clear what he meant by the question. He had been pretty sure she hadn't mentioned it. Their last phone call had been weeks ago and he had only just told her about the transplants then. He had immediately gone through her email history again when he had heard from Audrey about Claire's return. She hadn't mentioned a word that she was planning to come back.

 

"I just want to know if there was a reason for -"

 

"Dr. Melendez!" called Dr. Chase, who was already on his way to the two of them. Neil raised his hand in his direction to interrupt him.

 

"Not now, Chase. Give me a minute." But he didn't react, instead taking another step closer.

 

"I'm sorry, but this is important! We have a Code Blue on Harper Petersen on the 7th floor. Dr. Allen has already started CPR, but-" Neil nodded.

 

"I'm coming, I'm coming." He waved a hand in Claire's direction and then quickly followed Dr. Chase to the patient.

 

****

The day of the operation was successfully completed and as far as one could tell, everything had gone more or less as planned, the next few days would be crucial. Neil tried to push thoughts of the patients as far to the back of his mind as possible, since today was his day off. Nevertheless, he was happy to have received the news from Chase that Cooper Blade had been discharged after unremarkable final tests and was now back home.
Neil was standing in front of his closet and thinking about what to wear when his phone rang. He hoped fervently that it wasn't Claire who was cancelling their meeting at short notice and was relieved when he only saw Nicole's name on the display.

"Hey, Nicole, what's up?" he asked as he pulled his favorite shirt out of the closet and arranged it.

 

"Hey, I wanted to ask if you wanted to come over. I saw that they are showing Star Wars; Revenge of the Sith today and you wanted to introduce me to the films anyway.” She asked with some emphasis in her voice. Neil grinned and shook his head.

 

“And you want to start with the third film before you’ve even seen part 1 and 2?” Nicole groaned in mock annoyance.

 

“Well, I’ll take what I can get.” Neil stroked his neck with his hand, still amused, he shook his head.

 

“Believe me, I won’t let you skip the first parts, you’ll thank me later.” Nicole sighed, followed by a short pause.

 

“Are you coming over anyway? I haven’t seen you in ages.” Neil thought about the last time he had been with her and it was probably the Thursday of the week before, at least it was before Claire’s return, but he had also been pretty busy with work, he told himself. He sighed.

 

"I know, and I'm happy to do it any other day. But I told you that I’m meeting my colleague today." There was another pause, this time so long that Neil glanced at the display to make sure the call hadn't been disconnected.

 

"You mean with Claire?" Neil noticed a strange undertone in her voice, but couldn't quite interpret it. Neil curled his lips and paused a second.

 

"Yes, like I told you. She's only in town for a few more days and we haven't spoken for a long time." There was another pause, Neil furrowed his eyebrows, Nicole's behavior was new to him and he didn't know how to interpret it. "Do you have a problem with that?" His voice was gentle, but inside he was upset, he hadn't given her any reason to be jealous of Claire - as far as he knew and from what he had gotten to know Nicole, she wasn't the jealous type either.

 

"No, of course not, I just forgot." She said, her voice cheerful and warm again, as Neil was used to. "So, what are you planning?"

 

****

Neil was early as usual, despite having walked the distance to here. It was a relatively cool evening, as it had rained for quite a while during the day, but the cool evening air was a pleasant change from the current hot temperatures. Neil had already ordered two beers, as he had been used to doing back then, and now he was just waiting for Claire. She came through the door way ahead of schedule and when she saw him, a smile flickered across her lips.

"There you are." He said as he took a step towards her and pushed her shoes towards her. "I thought you were trying to get out of this." Claire rolled her eyes with a smile as she sat down on the nearest bench to slip her new pair of shoes on.

 

"Believe it or not, but this time you don't stand a chance against me." Neil grinned as he thought about the last times they had been bowling together. He hadn't thought it was possible that Claire could be really bad at anything, she seemed more like a jack of all trades. But when he saw her hitting each ball against the rail, he had found her only weak point.
When he thought about how he wanted to use the short time he had with her, bowling was the first thing that came to mind, because he remembered the hours they had spent there together and how quickly they had grown closer because of Claire's embarrassment. Neil hadn't been able to contain himself and had laughed heartily every time she had been euphoric about hitting even one pin. At some point Claire hadn't been able to help but join in the laughter and soon they had crossed all professional boundaries.
Claire seemed to have the same warm memories, because when Neil had suggested it to her, it had only taken her a few seconds to reply with a 'Definitely'.

She stood up and grabbed the beer from his hand and pushed past him with a grin, and Neil let a breath of air escape from his lips as if by reflex. It was nice to see her so free again, without the stress of the hospital or whatever was still on her mind. Here, now, in this moment, it seemed as if they had turned back time, as if they had gone back to an innocent moment in time when neither of them had dared to ask themselves what this was between them or what it meant, or where it might lead. A short period of time when that hadn't been important, when they hadn't yet started to think everything through. It was simple, easy and incredibly liberating and Neil wished he could stay in this moment forever. 
He followed her to a free lane, where she put her bag on one of the nearby benches and took a moment to watch her. She smiled contentedly as she let her gaze wander over the lane and then sighed.

"Ready to fail?" she asked with a wide grin as she put her beer down on the table and headed for the track. Neil snorted and put his drink down as well before following her. Neil knew as well as Claire that she probably wouldn't be very good, unless she had been training in Guatemala in secret, which was ... unlikely considering the facts. So he just smiled to himself as she continued playing her game.

 

"Awful confident for someone so bad at this." He said before coming to a stop behind her, but he left space between them, space for everything that stood between them.

 

"Or maybe I'm just the right kind of confident." She said with a mischievous grin before winking at him. He felt his heart skip a beat at the sight and tried to push away the thoughts of what that meant. Claire reached for a ball and turned it over in her hands for an unnecessarily long time before getting into position. Neil crossed his arms, a slight grin on his face as he prepared for her throw. 
It still seemed surreal to him that she was back here and they were just picking up where they left off, or almost anyway. He looked at her hair, which hung loosely over her shoulders and reflected the bright colors of the lighting effects of the bowling alley. At that moment he caught her eye as she turned back to see if he was watching too. He nodded affirmatively and with a crooked grin as she rolled the ball.

"Damn," she exclaimed as the ball rolled against the barrier as usual. When she turned to him, he immediately noticed her flushed cheeks and almost felt bad if she hadn't looked so cute when she was embarrassed.

 

"Oh, I'm sure it's just nerves." He shrugged and waved her off. "Do you want to try again?" She grimaced for a moment before shaking her head.

 

"Ah, no, you go ahead. I need to warm up first," she said as she took a step toward the table and sipped her beer. Neil grabbed a ball and turned it into the right position before turning to face her.

 

"Hey, I don't want you to get frustrated, we can't all be winners." The brief flash in her eyes made Neil smile before he turned and rolled the ball. Eyes fixed on the lane, they watched as it rolled exactly where it was supposed to. As the pins began to fall, he turned around and raised his hands defensively. "Well, I guess some of us are." Claire rolled her eyes, but couldn't hide the grin for long.

 

"So, seven out of ten isn't really your best performance." She commented with a shrug. "What's wrong? Are we getting old?" Neil's mouth twitched as he reached for his bottle and took a sip. His gaze met hers and her eyes lit up for a brief moment.

 

"Nah, I just don't want you to feel too bad." He mocked before nudging her lightly with his shoulder. She grunted as she grabbed another bowling ball.

 

"Yeah, right." Claire got into position, this time concentrating hard on aiming correctly. Neil sipped from his bottle and watched as she rolled the ball into the barrier with full force. She turned to him, eyes narrowed to little slits.

 

"Don't." She raised a warning finger. "Say a word." Neil raised his hands defensively, a slight smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

 

"Wasn't going to." He had definitely planned to. Claire shook her head with a smile.

Time passed quickly, but the routine hardly changed. Neil knocked over at least half of the pins with each throw, while Claire was happy if she hit at least a few. Despite her defiant comments, she kept her good mood and couldn't help but grin. Neil was already on his second beer when he saw her miss all the pins again.

"You can’t be serious." She exclaimed and Neil shook his head with a smile.

 

"You always turn your wrist at the last moment," he stated. "That's why you miss your throw." Claire tilted her head and reached for a ball again.

 

"No, I don't." Neil smiled warmly as he pushed himself away from the railing he had been leaning against to watch her.

 

"Yes, you do." He set his bottle aside and then stood next to her, his eyes fixed on her wrist. His eyebrows furrowed, but a smile formed on his lips. "If you keep holding the ball like that, you're bound to break something." He said, more as a joke than a statement. Claire rolled her eyes.

 

"It's a heavy ball, Neil. How else am I supposed to hold it?" Neil looked into her eyes for a brief moment, and it was enough to shut down his mind.

 

"Come on, I'll show you." Without thinking about it, he stood behind her and put his hand on hers. He could feel her muscles tense at his touch, her eyes darted over to him for a moment, but he ignored it. He gently turned her hand into the right position and pointed to the lane with his free hand. "And now you just focus on the place where you want the ball to roll - ideally right in the middle." The tension in Claire's body eased, her hand now resting gently in his. "Then you just gain some momentum and" He pulled her arm back a little and swung, her movement precise and guided. She let go of the ball at exactly the right moment and they watched as it rolled into the middle of the pins, taking six of them with it.

"That's it." he added with his usual confident undertone in his voice. He was aware that he was still holding her hand, the warmth radiating from it was calming and in a way addictive. He tried not to let it show how fast his heart was beating, but he was too busy letting himself be taken in by her closeness. Only now did he feel how close he was to her, his upper body only a few inches away from hers. The scent of her hair hit his nose and it was as if he was in a trance. For a split second he allowed himself to imagine what it would be like if he pushed her hair aside and freed her neck. What it would be like if he could place gentle kisses there, feel the goosebumps that would give her ...

 

"Ah, alright, okay, I think I get it." Claire finally said, pulling him out of his tunnel and down from the border that he was dangerously close to crossing. "Let me try." She said and Neil could have sworn that she hadn't had enough breath for those few words. Had she perhaps felt it too? In that brief, innocent moment?

 

"Yeah, sure." Claire gently pushed him aside and gave him another cautious smile before grabbing another ball. Taking a step back, Neil cleared his throat and crossed his arms over his chest. This shouldn't happen, it couldn't. What was it about Claire that made him lose control of himself so quickly? Of all his rules and of his entire body. It was as if she was a poison for which he had no antidote, as if he was completely powerless against what she was doing to him.
Claire rolled the ball and this time it hit eight pins at once. She turned around, a wide grin on her face, and Neil couldn't help but return it.

 

"I told you I'm good at this." Neil snorted, this time careful to keep his distance from her.

 

"Yes, I see it." She rolled a few more balls to prove to herself that she could do it now, but perhaps also to fill the awkward silence that had built up between them. It was as if the moment still hung over them and they didn't know how to handle it. It took them a few minutes to get back into a comfortable mood and Neil grabbed his bottle to sip from it, hoping it would silence his thoughts. Stop overthinking! He thought to himself, trying to appear relaxed on the outside. When Claire turned around with a ball in her hand, her eyebrows drawn together, he suspected that hadn't worked very well. He watched every movement on her face, her lips parting slightly as she ran her hand restlessly over the ball.

"Hey, um." She hesitated for a second before her eyes met his. "I'm sorry I was acting so weird the other day, in the ER." She began and Neil felt himself coming back to the present, the present where Claire was back for just a moment and he was in a relationship ... with someone else. "I just didn't know you were ... seeing someone." She finally said, her voice quieter than before, but her gaze still fixed on him. Neil felt the muscles in his body tense and he wanted nothing more than to escape the situation, he couldn't stand the look in her eyes.
The feeling of regret that spread through him in that moment, the need to explain himself, gave him the certainty that he hadn't allowed himself to have until now. It was the distance that had made him feel that he had let her go, that their connection had been insignificant. It was easy to feel that way when she was so far away from him. But now that he had a small part of her back, he realized what he had been missing for the last few months. He hadn't owed her anything, she had left and, as she had said herself, she had expected something like this to happen. She had consciously decided to leave, leaving him and his emotional chaos behind. He hadn't owed her to wait for a return that might never have happened, in the hope that something could have become of them, even though it hadn't happened after such a long time. He couldn't live like that forever, waiting, just waiting for her to get in touch. 
The thing with Nicole had happened quickly, faster than he expected, but it had felt right in those moments. At least that's what he had thought. Until now. Now that he was faced with Claire, with all the confusing feelings he had towards her and the past that kept coming back to haunt him, he felt guilty and had no idea how to explain it to her.
He straightened his back and cleared his throat, but before he could say anything, she beat him to it.

„Well, actually, that's not true." Neil felt the tension in his neck, his throat dry, the air in his lungs had disappeared, as had the ease between him and Claire that he had enjoyed until a few moments ago.

 

"What do you mean?" he asked, sighing heavily and avoiding her gaze. Claire put the ball aside and slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and shrugged.

 

"When I spoke to Audrey on the phone, she mentioned Nicole's name a few times when it came to you. I don't know a Nicole." Her gaze was distant and unfocused. "So I guess I just assumed it. But I didn't want to ask her or hear it ... from her." Neil couldn't help but wonder if that was why she was so strange when he met her in the emergency room, so distant and cold. He sighed.

 

"Yeah, I actually wanted to tell you, but ..." The words got stuck in his throat. What should he have said to her? That he didn't want to hurt her, or that he was almost embarrassed to admit that he had another woman by his side so soon after Claire's departure? All of these words were on the tip of his tongue, but they didn't dare to come out. If he had said these things, he would have had to say the other things too, the ones that went deeper than that. And even if he knew that he should have done exactly that, he couldn't find the strength to do it.

She watched him closely before her eyes restlessly scanned the room, as if she thought she would find the answers there.

 

"Is it something serious?" she asked finally, her voice warm and loving. Neil looked at her for just a moment before stroking his face. He couldn't say no, not when he had been talking to Nicole about moving in together just a few days ago, not when something was building up between them.

 

"Yeah." He finally said, because that was all he could get out. He didn't want to put himself in the situation again where he was hiding something about the developments in his life from her, only for it to catch her off guard later. She took a step towards him, which made Neil flinch almost imperceptibly. He could feel the knot forming in his throat as she gave him a small smile.

 

"I'm happy for you. That's ... really great." She said, her voice warm and sincere. "I'm glad you're finally happy." Being happy was one thing, yes, theoretically he should have been, happy and content. She couldn't have known what was really going on in his head, since at some point between their friendship and what seemed to be brewing between them, he had forgotten how to be completely open with her.
"Well, whatever." Claire rubbed her hands together and gave him a big grin. "I say I'll go find the bathroom and you order something to eat. I'm starving." She dragged the last part out dramatically and Neil just nodded, a little confused.

 

"Uh, yeah, sure. Same as always?" he asked.

 

"Absolutely." She said, smiling as she pushed past him. In the moment just before she passed him, her gaze briefly flicked up to him and he could have sworn there was something in her eyes that contradicted the euphoria she had just shown him.

 

**

 

It took Neil a long time to place the order, so long that Claire was already back at their table before it was even his turn. He watched her from where he was standing. She seemed normal, tapping her foot, looking at the screen of her phone and singing along to the song on the stereo. It didn't seem like their conversation had burdened her. Maybe Neil had just thought about it too much, maybe it hadn't been as dramatic as he had thought. Claire seemed genuinely happy for him and his relationship. 
She wouldn't have been if she had had feelings for him, right? But then he thought about how it had been for him when Claire had dated Dash back then - even though it was never really serious between them, Neil had felt jealousy every time she mentioned him. And he had even advised her to keep seeing him, despite the fact that he had feelings for her. Was it like that with Claire too? Stop thinking about it again, you idiot. He sighed and shook his head. He had made up his mind to just enjoy the evening with her, to just switch off his head and just ... be, as Park had recommended. If not now, when else would be the right moment? In a few days, Claire would be hours away from him again, everything that happened or would happen today didn't have to have a deeper reason or meaning. The only thing that mattered was to enjoy the time. He made a mental note to stick to it and when it was finally his turn, he ordered the same pizza that he always ordered when he was here with Claire, extra large. And two Cokes as well, so that he didn't have to quench his thirst with alcohol tonight. It probably wouldn't have done any harm if he had allowed himself to get a little drunk to loosen up, maybe that would have made it easier for him to talk. But he didn't want to overdo it either and went back to their table with the drinks. Claire looked up from her screen as he approached her and raised an eyebrow.

"That doesn't look particularly edible to me," she stated and Neil put the drinks on the table before plopping down on the bench opposite her.

 

"The pizza will take a moment. Apparently the oven broke down and now they're busy processing the other orders." Claire pulled a face and Neil smiled apologetically. "He promised me he'd bring the pizza to our table as soon as it‘s ready." Claire sighed and put her phone in her pocket before falling into the back seat. Neil felt her knees touch his and grinned.

 

"I knew I should have eaten something before I came here." Neil's mouth twitched. He tried to suppress the smile that was trying to spread across his face. Claire always got a little grumpy when she got hungry, a trait he'd always found cute, as even the smallest snack made her a different person. He reached for his jacket, which he'd casually thrown on the bench when they'd come here, and rummaged through his pockets. After a short rummaging, he found what he was looking for.

 

"Okay, you're spoiled for choice." He said in a flat tone as he held out his hands to her. "I've got this protein bar here, for one thing. Ideal for when you're a little hungry between meals. Or." Her gaze followed his to his other hand. "A peppermint-flavored chewing gum." Claire grinned and acted for a moment as if it was actually a difficult decision before grabbing the protein bar.
She hummed contentedly as she took the first bite and leaned forward again, her arms crossed on the table. A little disappointed that their legs were no longer touching, Neil put the chewing gum back in his pocket and crossed his arms. He took a moment to simply enjoy the sight of her chewing the bar with her eyes half closed before clearing his throat.
"I haven't even asked you yet - what's it like for you to sleep in your own bed again? I don't know what the beds are like in Guatemala, but I doubt they're as comfortable as they are over here." Claire's gaze settled on him as she ran her finger over her lips to remove the crumbs before answering him. He tried to suppress the urge to follow her movement, but eventually gave in and watched the gentle movement of her thumb. As much as he hated himself for it, he couldn't help but imagine how soft her lips were and how they would feel if he could touch them himself.

 

"Hm. Actually, I haven't managed to sleep in my bed yet." Claire's words made Neil sit up and his gaze lifted, pulling him out of his trance.

 

"You've been back all weekend." He said with a questioning tone as she rolled the paper from the bar into a small ball and pushed it to the edge of the table. She nodded, but shrugged her shoulders.

 

"Yes, that's right. But when I arrived on Friday, I was in the hospital until late in the evening and when I finally got home, I wanted to watch a film to relax." She said with sparkling eyes. "All I remember is an endless intro with probably hundreds of flashes of names I've never heard in my life and then suddenly … it was morning." Taking a sip of her Coke, she grinned slightly and Neil did the same. "I was totally out of it.“

 

"Wow. You've gotten older yourself, huh?" he asked jokingly, referring to her comment from earlier. Claire rolled her eyes and flicked the little ball of paper she had saved in his direction with her finger. Neil watched as it bounced off him and grinned.

 

"Well, and on Saturday I slept on the sofa at Shaun and Lea's because it was already so late." She hesitated for a moment. "Well, and now it's Monday already." 
Neil had noticed that she had skipped Sunday, couldn't figure out why she did it, but everything in him refused to ask her about it. Although he didn't actually believe that she had spent the night with a man, he couldn't be completely sure either, after all, he himself was no better, leaving out personal informations. He tried to suppress the mental images that were coming into his head and instead focused on Claire's exaggerated stretching. "But today nothing and no one will keep me from my bed, just so you know." She added in a flirtatious undertone. Neil didn't have time to react, because at that moment one of the employees arrived with their pizza and demanded Claire's full attention. Neil thanked him briefly, but turned his gaze back to Claire, who was already licking her lips and rubbing her hands.

"If you want to eat something too, I suggest you hurry up, because soon there won't be anything left of this."

 

They ate almost entirely in silence, it was pleasant, with only the other people talking and the balls rolling down the lanes around them. Claire hadn't exaggerated her hunger, as Neil quickly discovered with amusement, when she had finished her half in just a few minutes. Although he was already somewhat hungry, he ate much more slowly and left the remaining two pieces to her.

"You look like you haven't eaten for weeks. What are they doing to you over there?" he asked jokingly. Admittedly, he always found women with a certain appetite very attractive, women who weren't ashamed to enjoy a good meal in his presence. And Claire seemed to enjoy it to the fullest. He watched her nibble on a long string of cheese that had come loose from a piece and smiled. Claire shrugged.

 

"I just haven't eaten this well in a long time, that's all."

There was only one piece left on the plate and as much as he enjoyed watching her eat, his stomach made it clear who should get that piece. He reached out his hand across the table, but before he could reach it, Claire's hand rested on his. She smiled broadly when he looked at her confused, but didn't let go when she pulled the plate closer to her with her free hand.
But Neil's focus was no longer on the pizza, if he was being honest, he had already completely forgotten why he had reached out in the first place. His gaze was on their hands, which were still on top of each other. Claire followed his gaze, her smile disappearing as she raised her eyes. Neil looked up too and caught her eyes. He didn't know if it was just seconds, it felt like forever. It wasn't strange, or foreign, much more, it was the most natural thing in the world. The warmth that her hand radiated made him want more of it, of her touch, but he hardly moved, afraid of bursting the bubble that had formed around them again. 
Her eyes locked with his, his mouth going dry, his heart pounding against his chest, the need to lean across the table to be closer to her. He couldn't explain it, but it felt right that no one looked away. It was as if he could stare through the green of her eyes straight into her soul, see the vulnerability and confusion that lay within her. The thing that was between them, whatever it was, seemed too powerful for them to fight it. And even if they could, they didn't seem to want to at that moment. He watched every movement in her face as he moved his thumb a little, almost imperceptibly, to reduce the distance between them even further. With a small movement, so minimal that it was barely noticeable, he ran his thumb over her skin. The touch sent a jolt through both of them, and they froze, caught in the intensity of the moment. With small circular movements, he continued to test the boundaries of right and wrong. He felt his body tense as her eyes darted to their hands, but calmed down all the faster when he noticed her closing her eyes for a brief moment and holding her breath.

 

For the first time in ages, his head was empty, completely silent. There was nothing to think about, it was just this moment, just the two of them. This feeling that expanded in his stomach, the feeling of warmth and familiarity in foreign territory, like finding something that brought light into the darkness. The desire for more, for answers to questions that had been asked months ago without being spoken, the need to open his mouth and let all the words that had been kept under lock and key escape. The feeling of something new, strange, that made so much sense in the light of clarity and erased the last weeks, months of confusion as if into nothing. 
There had been no answers to what he felt, or who he felt it for, because it had never really been a question. When he looked into her eyes and allowed himself to really see, without fear of rejection, without the walls they had built up over years of working together, nothing else was important anymore. Even the smallest touch, the smallest overcoming of distance from her, and that was all it had taken. He felt it, just as he had felt it before.
The feelings he had waited so long for to develop for Nicole were a given with Claire. The nervous, excited pounding of his heart, the tingling of the part of his body where he touched hers, getting drunk by the sweet scent of her skin, a feeling that had become so foreign to him in the last four months, not because he hadn't been able to feel it, but because the reason for it hadn't been with him. But now, with that very reason in front of him, it felt like starting a puzzle with all the pieces already in the right place.
He knew he had closed himself off from the truth, but he hadn't realized how much. Life with Nicole had seemed perfect because she had given him what he had always wanted, or at least what he had thought he had wanted. But as he watched Claire, her eyes still closed, probably feeling the same thing he was feeling, he realized that it wasn't just the future that was important. It was who he had that future with that was important. It was who his future was.
This moment had only lasted a fraction of a second, but it had changed everything, at least everything in him. The situation itself was the same and he became painfully aware of that when Claire pulled her hand away with an uncertain smile and focused on the plate in front of her.

"Well, I was faster." She said with a gentle smile, taking the pizza, but her voice betrayed her and her mask. Neil wrinkled his nose and smiled too - cautiously and not really genuine.

 

"No problem."
The moment between them had passed like a blink of an eye. It had been so fragile and so tender, he wasn't even sure it really had happened. The only sign that it hadn't really been just in his head were Claire's slightly red cheeks, which she tried to hide. And the uncomfortable silence that settled over them like a heavy coat. 
While Claire bit into her slice of pizza and avoided his gaze, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and focused on it. He couldn't tell if she was actually answering messages or just pretending, but he was too caught up in what had happened to care. He wanted to think about what it all meant and how he should deal with it, but he couldn't, his head still empty. That's why part of him was glad when Claire quoted some irrelevant medical article and asked for his opinion. It gave him the opportunity to get it together and at least made the mood between them comfortable again, which was the most important thing at that moment.

It took a moment, but then they quickly fell back into a gentle rhythm of questions, analyses and theories and everything seemed a little easier.

Neil nibbled on the label of his bottle - a nervous habit as the conversation slowly died down again.

 

"So, another round?" he asked, nodding towards the track. It was already quite late, they were lost in their conversation as usual, but he didn't want the evening to end yet. Claire folded her arms on the table and seemed to think about it for a moment.

 

"Nah, I don't know. I think I've embarrassed myself enough for today." Neil didn't look up from his bottle, but he didn't have to to notice the mocking tone in her voice. His lips twisted into a crooked grin.

 

"Oh, I've seen worse."

 

"You did?" Neil's gaze lifted to meet Claire's, who had raised an eyebrow, her head resting on her hand. Neil shrugged.

 

"Well, not today. But someday, sure." Claire opened her mouth in indignation before giggling.

 

"Oh, shut up." She shouted as she threw some scraps of paper at him. He snorted and gathered the scraps before slumping back into his bench to look at her.

 

"Next time, let's just do something I'm really bad at." He suggested, though it left a bitter taste that they didn't know when that would be. Claire's eyes narrowed.

 

"And that would be ... ?" Neil pretended to think about it seriously before shrugging.

 

"We'll think of something." Claire held his gaze and he couldn't help but smile when he noticed that she seemed to be seriously thinking about it. To tell the truth, there were many things he wasn't particularly good at - singing, for example, but there was hardly anything he would be ashamed of, even if it could have been embarrassing. Especially not after the events of Claire's farewell party. He had too much self-confidence to worry about what others would think of him and he was rarely embarrassed about anything in front of Claire. At worst, she would tease him with sharp remarks, but he knew exactly how to counter.

 

"Hm, how about ..." she began, her gaze still fixed on him. "Knitting." Neil almost choked at the thought before bursting into a gentle laugh.

 

"Knitting?" Claire's face showed that she wasn't particularly serious herself, but she just grinned and nodded.

 

"Yeah, why not? I can't imagine you're any good at it." Neil rolled his eyes, still grinning.

 

"Sure. Next time we'll just knit." He agreed sarcastically, but he left out that he was actually pretty sure he would actually be good at it. He had never told her, but as a child his grandmother had forced him to help her knit. Of course, he had hated it before, but now he was sure that it was one of the reasons he had steady hands. He would most likely still be as good at it as he used to be, and he decided to tell her that, the next chance he got.

Still smiling, he sighed and watched as she dropped back onto the back of  the bench and looked at him. Her mouth opened even before she began to speak, then she tilted her head slightly and looked him straight in the eyes.

 

"What did you mean when you said I didn't tell you I was coming back?" A little surprised by the sudden seriousness in her voice, he folded his arms in front of his chest.

 

"Well, it surprised me a bit, that's why I asked." He answered seriously and shrugged his shoulders briefly to take the importance out of the whole thing. He didn't want there to be another awkward situation between them because of some communication problem.

 

"Yes, I get that, but that's exactly what I mean. I told you. I texted you as soon as I got the go-ahead from Audrey." Neil looked up and searched her eyes for any sign of a joke, but found none, so he frowned.

 

"No, you didn't, I checked again." Claire, who now seemed to be getting a little angry, pulled her phone out of her pocket and spent a few seconds scrolling through her screen before turning the display to him. Neil reached out and grabbed the phone. He realized that it wasn't an email, but a text message in which she had actually said that she would be back, why and when she would be. Neil frowned and, still staring at the screen, pulled his phone out of his pocket as well.

"I didn't get the message." He mumbled and when he went into the chat with Claire, he scrolled through the messages they had written over the last few days. Then he came to her 'I'm looking forward to seeing you all too.' message and all of the messages above, referred exclusively to the cases they had discussed during that time.
"I didn't get the message." He said louder this time and pushed the phones over to her so she could look at them herself. She furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head.

 

"But the message was transmitted." She stated, crossing her arms and looking at him with a tense jaw. "So either you were using a different phone for a short time," she said dismissively, waving her hand in front of her face. "Or the message was deleted." Neil looked at her for a moment, not knowing what to do with this information. Of course he hadn't deleted the message, at least not intentionally. Maybe there had been a transmission error, or maybe ... Neil grimaced at the thought that had occurred to him in that second and that he couldn't or wouldn't allow. His thoughts began to race again, but then a thought came to him.

 

"Is that why you were acting weird in the ER when I met you? Because I didn't answer you?" he asked, and Claire's eyes automatically shot up to his before stiffening.

 

"I wasn't weird." She finally said, looking away.

 

"Oh, you weren't?" he asked gently, but a slight smirk crept onto his lips. He had noticed immediately that something was wrong with her, but at that moment he couldn't figure out why she had been so dismissive. She looked at her hands, her cheeks slightly flushed.

 

"Yeah, well, maybe a little." She finally admitted before sighing heavily. "I don't know, I was kind of ... disappointed. I know I have no right to be, but ..."

 

"No right to be disappointed?" Neil raised his eyebrow before leaning on the table to be a little closer to her. She nodded cautiously as her eyes rose.

 

"Yes, there were no obligations and you were obviously busy." Neil ignored the sharp undertone in her voice at the end of the sentence.

 

"I was disappointed when you stopped contacting me at some point." He said, shrugging his shoulders and trying to make it sound as casual as possible. He had been more than disappointed, hurt, sad - but she didn't need to know that.

 

"Really?" Neil grinned at the surprise in her voice and shook his head.

 

"Yes and you were obviously busy too." He said teasingly and she rolled her eyes with a grin.

 

"I'm still sorry, but with the quarantine and" Neil raised his hand, immediately interrupting her.

 

"Yes, I know. I'm just saying, I was disappointed that you didn't get in touch. It's okay that you were too." His voice was warm, almost as warm as the smile that spread across her face. Neil bit his tongue to stop himself from saying what he actually wanted to say at that moment, but ultimately shrugged. "But I think it's obvious that I'm glad you're here." He said seriously, a warmth spreading through his chest. "And you like being here too, so crisis averted." He added, tapping his fingers on the table. The light that formed in her eyes made his heart skip a beat, her smile another. She nodded contentedly and sighed as she slid the phone back into her pocket. He took a moment to just look at her, ignoring the thoughts in the back of his mind that were trying to piece together the puzzle of that message that had never arrived.

 

"So no more rounds?" he asked one last time and Claire laughed wearily and shook her head.

 

"Nah, I'm good." Neil smiled before clearing his throat.

 

"Do you want me to accompany you home?" Claire tilted her head and thought about it for a moment.

 

"Hm, I don't know, that's exactly the opposite direction from you." Neil shrugged.

 

"Yes, but it is a nice evening. A digestive walk can't hurt." He said with a wink. He would have done anything to keep this evening going. Besides, he had been avoiding speaking honestly to her the whole time and after today's meeting he knew that he absolutely had to.

 

"Well, then gladly. Thank you."

Despite it being summer, the persistent rain had cooled the evening, so Neil put on his jacket before helping Claire into hers. He tried not to let the uneasy feeling in his stomach take over - something had changed in their dynamic that evening and he was pretty sure it wasn't just him who felt it. Park had been right in the end - he needed to talk to Claire.

 

---

 

 

Notes:

Hope you liked it. Next one is going to be iiiintense ;)

Chapter 9: Temptation

Summary:

Oh Oh

 

---

 

Lost without you – Freya Ridings

 

As Neil had suspected, it was a pleasant evening, not many people were out and about and the mild temperatures were calming - not that he needed that at that moment. As soon as they left the bowling alley, it was as if they had left all the tension behind, that had developed between them over the course of the evening.

The walk to Claire's apartment was not far, but neither of them was in a hurry to get home - Knowing full well that the day was drawing to a close and there was no telling when they would see each other again. At least after her visit this week, the 'if' had become a 'when' and that gave Neil a certain feeling of calm.

As she walked beside him, her hands in her jacket pockets, talking so freely about Shaun's engagement, he couldn't imagine letting her go again without regretting it. It had been so difficult the first time, but this time it seemed almost impossible. Claire was right, four months wasn't particularly long and if he had known that her leaving was only for a limited time, it might have been different.

The first time it had felt right in a way, because she was searching for herself and what made her happy. But this time ... it felt like a betrayal. Betrayal of himself if he couldn't finally be honest. Betrayal of her if she left without knowing the truth. Knowing how much he wished she wouldn't leave but would stay here. Here with him.

Neil was well aware that the situation he was in would end badly. Nicole kept creeping into his subconscious and with it a feeling of guilt. He knew he couldn't push it away forever, but that evening he wasn't able to think about her long enough to really become aware of it. Tomorrow, in the daylight, it would feel different, but here and now, in his bubble of melancholy and unexplored territory, it seemed so incredibly meaningless.

He watched Claire out of the corner of his eye, and even if she had seemed so upset in the OR yesterday by the changes that had taken place in the others' lives, her face now reflected nothing but joy and love. Her eyes lit up as she remembered how Shaun had given her the news - Lea and him had planned to tell her later that evening when the moment was right. But, typical of Shaun, it was the first thing he said when he opened the door to Claire. She giggled as she told how she had been completely shocked at first, but tears of joy had soon filled her eyes. Lea insisted that Claire would sing at their wedding, to which Claire had of course agreed, mostly because she’d been so touched by them asking - even if she didn't know exactly how she would manage it.

 

Out of habit, or perhaps to prolong the evening, they turned towards the small park almost at the same time. The park through which they had jogged together countless times. Claire was just about to tell him how Shaun had to act out the word 'wedding' during the charade and that's how Glassman had found out about their engagement, when her phone vibrated. It wasn't that late, so Neil hoped it wasn't an emergency involving her patients, but then he would probably have received a message as well. His gaze only briefly flicked over to her to read her expression as she looked at her screen, but it was enough to notice that it wasn't urgent. He hadn't even noticed that he was holding his breath as it crept out of his lungs.

"What did you actually do to Dr. Chase?" Claire finally asked as she put her phone back in her jacket pocket and shook her head with a grin. Neil grimaced, a little surprised.

 

"What am I supposed to have done again?" She looked up at him out of the corner of her eye, a slight smile on her lips.

 

"I don't know, but since I got back he's been grilling me about Guatemala. You know, how I decided to go, how the work thing worked out. Something like that." Neil frowned, ignoring the playful tone in her voice. Dr. Chase had also asked Neil about several things about Claire's decision, but he hadn't given it much importance - Chase was interested in everything and everyone, and especially in Neil's opinion.

 

"What? Why?" he asked and Claire shrugged.

 

"Well, That’s what I’m asking you. I don't want him to run off now, too." She watched him for a moment, her voice mockingly. Neil rolled his eyes.

 

"I thought I only had that effect on women. Well, that's quite surprising." He said in a teasing tone and Claire smirked.

 

"No, apparently you're pretty hard to deal with in general." She added with dramatic seriousness so he knew she wasn't genuine. He nudged her lightly with his shoulder, which elicited a slight giggle from her. Neil was glad that they shared their sense of humor; in the past he hadn't been able to imagine being able to laugh about the fact that all the important women in his life left him sooner or later. It had taken him a long time to realize that he wasn't the problem, but mostly just the circumstances or life that threw a wrench in his plans.

Neil decided to speak to Chase the next morning to see if there was any truth to Claire's joke.

 

The evening deepened, wrapping the park in a quiet stillness that seemed to belong only to them. Pleasant and familiar, only interrupted by the sound of their footsteps on the wet ground beneath them. The cold air nipped at their cheeks, but neither of them seemed to mind. Neil's hand lingered near Claire's, their fingers barely brushing. It was such a small thing, but it felt bigger than it should have. Many things went through Neil's mind, the way her silhouette glowed in the moonlight, the way their shoulders kept touching as they moved, the way the scent of her hair filled his nose ... there was something about the way this moment felt natural, the way their bodies seemed to seek closeness to each other without them having to think about it.

Claire sighed, breaking the silence between them. Neil looked down at her, but she kept her gaze forward. He waited a moment, but when she still didn't say anything, he nudged her with his shoulder, gently encouraging her to speak.

"I've been in my head alot lately." She said quietly and the corner of Neil's mouth twitched involuntarily. He was glad that he wasn't the only one who felt that way. Claire had always been someone who thought way too much about everything, that was nothing new. Neil would have liked to tell her that he felt the same way. But he wanted to give her the space to open up, so he turned his gaze forward.

 

"Because of what?" he asked gently, although he more or less already knew the answer. He had noticed that she had felt a little lost since she had been back, but he didn't know how much it had actually bothered her. Claire looked away and shoved her hands in her jacket pockets again before sighing.

 

"Hm, everything." Neil chuckled slightly at her meaningless answer, it didn't help him at all to understand Claire, but he felt all the more understood because of it. When the right words were missing, it wasn’t easy at all to find the courage to speak.

 

"Does it have to do with what you said in the OR?" he asked softly, watching her mouth twist. Her pace slowed a little as she furrowed her eyebrows.

 

"I don't know. It's strange to be back. It's ... so different from what I expected, does that make sense?" she asked more to herself than to him, so he said nothing. Claire shook her head slightly. "I was so happy to have found a reason to come back and now I'm here and it ... still isn't the same." He watched her look into the distance, a small frown forming between her eyebrows.

 

"Why isn't it the same? Because you're leaving soon?" Claire shook her head, but seemed to think about it herself for a moment.

 

"No, it's not that. It's just ... I wasn't gone very long, but everyone has changed and I feel like I'm exactly the same person I was when I left." She hesitated for a moment. "Just lonelier." Neil hated the tone in her voice and the way it made him feel. She seemed so disappointed with how her life had turned out, any expectations she'd had of the trip seemed to have shattered before her eyes. Claire had always had a problem with being alone, at least for as long as they'd been friends. It was a feeling they'd shared and why he'd felt so connected to her. Now with Nicole, he didn't necessarily feel that way anymore, but traces of it still made themselves felt when he was caught up in his head.

 

"You said you were happy to have a reason to come back. What do you mean by that?" Claire looked up at him when he asked, the corners of her mouth turned down, her eyes were empty. She only held his gaze for a few seconds before looking away.

 

"I don't know. Maybe I didn't want to admit to myself ... hmm." She hesitated again, whether she didn't know what to say or whether she just didn't dare, Neil couldn't tell yet. "I expected so much from the whole thing and was probably disappointed that it was so different from what I had imagined." Neil tilted his head and let the words sink in. It was a direct contradiction to what she had always said when he had asked her about Guatemala. Every other time she had been proud of how much they had achieved and had insisted that it had been the right decision and that she was happy. Neil had a bad feeling at the thought that she hadn't been honest with him. Even if he hadn't been really honest either, Claire had always spoken openly about what had been bothering her since their friendship began - at least as far as he could tell.

In his mind, she had always been happy and that was what made him feel at peace with the situation - that she had found her way.

 

"What's changed? You were so happy there," he asked gently. He hoped there had been a specific trigger - perhaps the quarantine, that she hadn't been happy anymore, and not that she had been fundamentally disappointed. But her shrug told a different story. She strolled to the railing that separated that part of the park from the small duck pond and sighed.

 

"Nothing has changed, really. The work is great, people appreciate any help they can get." They walked slowly side by side while Claire ran her finger along the railing, wiping away the raindrops that had formed a moist layer on the surface. "And that's great, but sometimes I think to myself ... I can help people here too. My friends are here, and everything else too, really. What difference does it make where I work?" Neil let that thought hang in the air for a moment. She seemed to have completely lost sight of why she had left. After all, that was exactly the reason - because she wanted to make a big difference, and she had done that. Neil sighed.

 

"Your work is important, whether here or there. You will be the reason many people can live and you know that." She nodded as she looked out at the pond, but Neil was not satisfied with her reaction. "You accomplished a lot while you were away and you will continue to do so. You will achieve great things, but if you are not happy there, you can always come back. You are just as important here, both for the patients and for us." Claire looked up and into his eyes and he gave her a gentle smile before placing his hand on her arm. "As I told you, there will always be a place for you here, whether you need it or not." For a brief moment, uncertainty reflected in her eyes before she took a deep breath and returned his smile.

Since Claire made no move to walk any further, Neil also leaned on the railing and listened to the sounds of the surroundings. It was a small but beautiful park, actually too beautiful for the neighborhood where Claire lived. Neil knew that she often sat on one of the benches here when she finished work and didn't feel like going back to her empty apartment. It was a beautiful place, even if he was glad that he was by her side and that she wasn't alone here at this time of day.

She rested her chin on her hand before sighing again.

 

"I wish you could see what it's like over there. We've really accomplished a lot." She said in a quiet voice and Neil grinned.

 

"Well, then it's my turn to visit. I can't expect you to jump on the next plane every time we need help with a patient. I have to return the favor sometimes." Claire grinned, but rolled her eyes. Maybe the thought of a visit gave her a warm feeling in her stomach, like it did for him. There was something calming about the idea of ​​being hours away from this place, visiting the place where she had spent her life over the last few months and seeing what her everyday life was like there. How would it be to get on a plane and just forget everything that had happened or not happened here?

 

"But it's strange, I've always had a weird feeling since I arrived there. At first I thought I had to settle in and just get things done. But ... nothing has changed yet. It just doesn't feel like home. It just felt like I was running away." She turned around, her back pressed against the railing, her arms crossed over her chest. "I miss my friends, I miss this place." The words hung in the air, a weight settling on their shoulders. Something about the way she said them suggested there was more to it.

 

"What were you running away from?" he asked finally, his voice soft and curious. Claire watched him out of the corner of her eye before she turned her gaze to her shoes.

 

"From my past, from the person I was." Neil paused. That was an answer he had expected from her, shortly after her mother's death, but in all the time they had spent together since then, it had seemed as if she had accepted herself and all that she had endured and grown from it. "Maybe I wanted to see who I am without all that, who I can be. Funnily enough, I'm exactly the same." She added in a thick voice. She was definitely thinking too much. A sigh left Neil's lips and he leaned back a little to look her in the eyes. But when he caught her gaze for a moment before she looked away again, he caught another emotion in it, which made him hesitate.

There was something she wasn't saying.

With his fingers he gently nudged her elbow to draw attention back to him. Claire raised her gaze and looked at him with her shining eyes. He tried to read them as they had learned to. In the past, when they had worked together, they had been able to read everything from their eyes, had communicated without saying a word. But things were a little different between them now, as they had both built walls that the other could no longer see past.

She said nothing, but this time she didn't look away. Neither did he. He could see her head working and something inside him tightened. Something was building between them that he couldn't read. Claire sighed and finally looked away, her arms wrapped tightly around her body as if she was protecting herself from what was trying to fight its way out of her.

 

"This thing with us ..." Neil froze in his tracks, his head went still. He knew that whatever she was going to say now would change everything. 'This thing with us'... that had to mean something. He didn't know what to expect and cleared his throat to get rid of the lump in it.

"Things between us have always been complicated. Ever since we decided to be friends ... You being my boss, it was just difficult." Her voice was cautious and quiet, but the emotions that resonated in it were clear. "We knew it wasn't right, but how bad could it have been just because we were friends?" Neil thought back to that time and something about it felt heavier than it should. In theory, none of it should have been difficult - no one had questioned the friendship he had built with Park over the months. Glassman had also gotten away with obviously favoring Shaun every time and it had never led to the kind of problems that it had with him and Claire.

"But I think it would have been good at some point, we and the people around us would have gotten used to it and at some point it would just no longer have been that big of a deal."

After the earthquake, nothing had mattered anymore, the hospital had grown closer together and no one had questioned whether the relationship with Attending and Residents continued on a private level. No one had said anything about Claire staying in his room longer than everyone else. No one had said anything about her lying down in bed with him, as they just held each other as if this was the last chance they got to.

"But we weren't friends." She said quietly, searching his gaze for just a split second. "Not just friends." She corrected herself.

 

And there it was. The confirmation that Neil had been waiting for, that he had longed for for so long. She had felt it too. And even if neither of them could say exactly what it was between them, they had agreed that it was more than they had allowed. At one point, they had felt the same way about each other, no matter how complicated and overwhelming it may have been.

 

"No." He confirmed, his heart beating rapidly. They had been friends, but they had never been just friends, even if it would have made things easier and even if they had convinced themselves that they were. But that evening in the bar, when he had let go of her to keep the necessary professional distance, he had already realized that that was no longer possible and that he hadn't wanted to. When he was about to leave, he had already known that he would not return to his friend, but to something else, something more important. It would probably have been easier for him if only a friend had been sitting there, but he knew how complicated the situation had been. He sighed at the thought and wished he had done many things differently, changed his mind many times. But he had never regretted coming back to her.

 

The green of Claire's eyes hit him like a blow to the heart as he lost himself in them again. He felt his heart beating through his chest, so fast and hard he was afraid it would burst out of his ribcage, and he realized he couldn't remember ever feeling like this. She took his breath away. The space between them felt charged now, their month of unspoken feelings filling the gap like an open invitation. He wanted to tell her, wanted to finally say all the things he'd buried deep down until the moment she came back. But the words seemed so heavy, so fragile. What if saying them now meant something he couldn't take back? Then he thought of the look in her eyes when she'd seen him with Nicole, the pain in her eyes, and instantly he forgot the fear of rejection or of being hurt. He regretted so many things, but this evening wasn't going to be one of them.

 

"But we got over it." Claire said, with a determined look, but her voice weak and uncertain. Neil's face twisted involuntarily and he turned to read her gaze. But she had already averted her gaze again. Neil sensed that she was shutting down, probably driven by the same fear as him.

 

"We did." he answered, taken aback by her reaction. He had made it sound more like a question, although he himself didn't believe a word of it. She had felt it tonight too, he was sure of that. He had known her for too long to believe that. She sighed as she turned back around to hold on to the railing, her gaze met his, but only for a brief moment.

 

"It just got confusing tonight because we were so used to us being something we shouldn't be or should be or I don't know." Neil let the air out of his lungs in shock, felt her walls building up around her and saw no way he could do anything about it. She had opened up and was now retreating again, not uncharacteristically for her.

Claire sighed as if she had sensed his frustration. She looked up at him, her gaze warm this time, and Neil wondered how she could look at someone with so much love in her eyes without feeling what he felt.

"But that's why I often think about what it would have been like if I hadn't left. How different it would be now, or at least how it could have been." Neil ran his hand over his face to give himself time to think. She had opened that door, she did that. He couldn't let her close it again now.

 

"I still think it's good that you left." He began, watching her closely. A bit of pain flickered across her face, but she quickly covered it up with a slight smile. "We don't know if it would've changed things between us if you didn't." At a certain point he had been sure that nothing would have ever changed between them. One of them would have started dating someone else at some point and lightened things up between them. At least that's what he had told himself. Now he wasn't so sure. But it didn't matter anymore.

"And whether you can see it or not, you have changed." Claire snorted as she shook her head, but Neil wasn't going to let her off the hook. "You have. When I saw you in the OR yesterday ... you were brilliant." She watched him out of the corner of her eye, the corner of her mouth twitching.

 

"I thought I always was." She said sarcastically, and Neil thought of the many times she had doubted herself, not seeing the talent she had. He rolled his eyes and nudged her with his elbow.

 

"You were, but now you're a surgeon, perhaps one of the best I've ever seen. You don't need anyone to navigate you or tell you what to do. You know better anyway." He hesitated for a moment before his lips curved into a crooked grin. "Sometimes I worry I've rubbed off on you too much." She laughed, a soft, calm laugh, but the tension didn't leave her body, her shoulders tense. "You've changed, Claire. And you'll see that one day, and you'll be proud of it." There was a brief silence between them, both of them weighing up how much meaning they could give to this conversation. When Claire still didn't say anything, Neil sighed and stretched his back.

"You've changed, things have changed … Things change, that doesn't mean it's a bad thing necessary." She looked up at him, uncertainty and fear in her eyes. Fear of being hurt - Neil knew this look by heart by now.

 

"You mean because you're with Nicole now?" The vulnerability in her voice cracked something inside him, and before he could stop himself, the words spilled out.

 

"No, that's not what I'm talking about. But we were stuck, none of us knew how to deal with any of this. And we needed that in some way. You leaving ..." He met her gaze to underline the seriousness of his words, the tension in her face only fueled him further. He sighed. "I don't think we are confused because of what we used to be. We are scared of what this is now.” He let the words sink in, the air between them became heavy, something pulled them together, like an invisible force that came to life with his words. She didn't look away, something seemed to be working behind her eyes, the frown in her forehead interrupted the perfect view of her here in the moonlight. She opened her mouth, but closed it before she could say anything. Neil let her have this moment, still busy processing the fact that he had said the things that had been simmering on the surface for so long.

 

“I left.” She finally said, a little uncertain, as if she had noticed it for the first time, and a small, soft smile played around Neil's lips.

 

“Well, for what it matters.” He began, his voice barely a whisper when their eyes met. “I didn't want you to go.” Her features softened as she looked at him in disbelief.

 

"Really?" Neil rolled his eyes with a grin before catching her gaze again.

 

"No, of course not." She leaned towards him a little, which made the air between them electrify. It felt like sparkles were flying around them.

 

"Why didn't you say anything?" The question made Neil hesitate. He had asked himself the same question so many times and finally found many answers that justified it. But now, as he looked into her beautiful green eyes, none of the answers seemed to make any sense. Shaking his head, he leaned against the railing.

 

"Because ... it was your decision." He said simply, his voice full of empathy. "And I support you, I always will. I won't stand in your way, and you seemed so sure about it." He paused, seeing her gentle smile. Like many times before, he lost himself in her gaze, his heart pounding in his throat. They were so close, close enough that he could see the small dimple in the corner of her mouth that suggested the hint of a smile. The pale freckles that stretched across her face, the lock of hair that fell softly over her cheek ... His gaze went to her lips, as if by reflex, and something inside him clenched.

"I don't want you to go now, either." He added quietly, watching her lips part slightly. His eyes darted from hers to her mouth, the tension he had learned to deal with became unbearable and he felt like he was losing all control of his body. He held his breath as he searched Claire's eyes for hesitation or doubt, but all he saw was the same mixture of fear and longing that he felt.

 

He could feel his body tensing, longing to be close to her, to bridge that small distance between them. His gaze was glued to her lips, which tried to draw him in as the air left his lungs, trembling and uneven. For just a moment he allowed himself to lean towards her, to give in to the need he had resisted for so long. He knew he would frighten her, make her run, but ... Claire wasn't pulling back. She was still there, looking at him with an intensity that made his pulse race. So he did the stupidest thing he could think of - he leaned closer to her. The air between them was thick with tension, each breath shared like a fragile thread hanging in the air. Neils heart was pounding so loud he feared she could hear it. But her gaze dropped to his lips, then back to his eyes, a silent war waging in her expression. Her hand reached out, lightly brushing against his as by accident, but the contact sent a ripple of heat through him, as he watched her close her eyes. His hand, as if it had a life of its own, rose and rested as lightly as a feather on her hip. She flinched briefly at his touch, her eyes popped open, but it only encouraged her to come closer too.

Under the dim streetlight, their faces were close, just inches apart, their gazes locked with an intensity that spoke volumes without a single word being exchanged. Neil could feel the heat of her breath on his skin, the temptation to close the space between them grew stronger with every passing second. He was fighting the pull, the desire to give in, but when she closed her eyes again, he gave up. His free hand went to her face, gently cupping her cheek, feeling her soft skin beneath his fingers, charged with tension and desire, and she let out a heavy breath. He moved a little closer, his lips almost brushing hers. Almost.

Neil breathed her in, breathed in her closeness and lost himself in her. Claire moved almost imperceptibly, but it was enough for their lips to finally touch. Soft and light as a feather, so light that it was barely noticeable, like a ghost hovering over his lips. For a split second he could sense how soft her lips were, how much desire was in them. He wanted to give himself over to her completely, but Claire flinched back.

 

"Neil ..." she said, her voice no longer a whisper, her breath warm against his skin. But the way she had said it had been enough to make the moment that had taken hold of them, fade away in a breath. He moved back a little, far enough that he could look at her, but not enough to escape what connected them. His thumb grazed her lower lip, and she closed her eyes at the softness of his touch.

 

"I know." He muttered, as he stepped back slightly, breaking the connection before it could fully ignite. His chest felt tight, his breath unsteady. This was not who he was. Even though he had allowed himself to be carried away by the moment, by being close to her, he knew it wasn't right. As easy as it had been to shut out everything around them, to just be the two of them, as they should have been so long ago, it wasn't right. Because there was another woman in his life, someone who was waiting for him, someone who trusted him.

Claire let out a heavy breath, closing her eyes once more before turning away and looking at the pond.

The silence that followed was deafening, both of them silently acknowledging the weight of the moment that had almost changed everything. They turned away from each other, a distance now between them that hadn't been there before, as if their shared restraint had carved a new bounary neither of them dared to cross.

Neil tried to think clearly, but his head was spinning, his heart beating fast against his chest as if it were protesting against his decision. He was torn, and even if he longed for her, already painfully missing being close to her, he was grateful that it was Claire who had pulled the ripcord, because he definitely couldn't do it anymore. But it wasn't meant to be, to feel wrong, at the expense of another person. As always, Claire had saved him from something he could never have forgiven himself for, something that would have contradicted everything he stood for.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye and tried to read her body language, but she gave nothing away.

"Claire," he said, his voice a mixture of guilt and warmth. She turned her head in his direction, but didn't look at him.

 

"Don't." The word came out of her lips like a knife, sharp and cold. Neil sighed and Claire shook her head. "I should go." Neil didn't want the evening to end like this, more confusing than before and overshadowing everything else that had happened. He reached for her, but when she instinctively turned away, he hesitated before letting his hand fall. She lifted her gaze to meet his, her brows drawn together, but when their gazes met, her features softened. "I'm sorry." Her expression flickered—hurt, understanding, something in between.

Neil wanted to say something, but the words caught in his throat. He wanted to say something as she walked past him, as the footsteps moved farther away from him, as they became a faint background noise, as they finally stopped. He wanted to, but he didn't.

 

****

 

The walk back home was a blur for Neil. The streets were nearly empty, their faint hum offering no real distraction from the replaying moment in his mind. That almost kiss, so brief and tentative, lingered like the taste of something bittersweet, both unexpected and undeniable. What had he just done? Neil wasn’t a man who let himself act on impulse. He was deliberate, precise, he had to be, both in surgery and in life. But with Claire … With Claire, the rules he’d built for himself didn’t seem to apply. They never had.

Inside, the silence of his apartment felt heavier than usual, as if it were pressing him to confront the thoughts he'd been trying to avoid. He felt bad towards Claire, towards himself and especially towards Nicole. What had just happened was his fault. Because he made the wrong decisions, almost always when it came to Claire. He had emotionally pushed her away each time, closing himself off to the possibility that what was between them was worth exploring. Each time it had been bad timing, and he had allowed this dance with the forbidden to go on for so long, that the lines between right and wrong had eventually faded completely. It was only when there was another person in his life that he had decided he wanted to take this step with Claire - when there was already another heart chained to him that he would break. Because if Claire hadn't held him back, he would have kissed her and he would have wanted to. The worst part - a small, selfish part of him still wished it had happened. He hated himself for it.

 

Nicole didn't deserve this. She was kind, supportive, and had never given him a reason to doubt their relationship. And yet, here he was, haunted by the undeniable truth, his feelings for Claire weren't something he could ignore anymore. The relationship with Nicole, which had made so much sense until a few days ago, now seemed so inconsequential, so leading nowhere. He could no longer fool himself, what had been between them, what had built up between them, was built on a foundation that had a different name. The feelings he had been waiting for would not come, they couldn't and he knew it. He knew what was in store for him and he knew he would break hearts.

He sighed heavily as he collapsed onto his sofa. If he really was the man he thought he was, would it ever have come to this? Nicole deserved better. Claire deserved better. He had been trapped in his head for far too long, surrounded by unnecessary thoughts that had created chaos where none was needed. If he had been honest just once in the last few month, really and seriously honest - it would never have come to this.

Because no, the feelings had not just appeared when Claire came back. They had been there the whole time, he simply hadn't allowed them. So often he had asked himself why it hadn't felt right with Nicole, why all the things that should have made him feel warm and at home had felt foreign and cold. Now he stood in front of the pile of mess and dirt he had left behind.

He let his head sink back, closed his eyes, the memory replayed on an endless loop - the way she had looked at him, her lips so close, the warmth of her breath against his skin. He could still feel the way his heart had pounded, the way his body had leaned into hers before his brain caught up, yanking him back to reality. He knew there was no going back. For better or worse, he had made his choice.

 

He couldn't be alone with his thoughts and he didn't want to be. So he pulled his phone out of his pocket to call the only person who had to understand how he felt. But instead a message flashed on his screen, like a punch in his stomach.

"Hey, how was your evening? I hope you had as much fun as your two darlings."

Attached to the message was a picture of Nicole and Banjo, snuggled up together on the sofa. Neil felt as if he was seeing his world crumbling in front of him, everything that could have been but shouldn't have been ... a heat spreading through his body, radiating out as if it were burning him. There was nothing he could have said that would have been fair to her. Even if he had been lying to her now, what would be the point if he had to break her heart just a few hours later?

 

Instead of answering her, he dialed the number and waited. The wait for the phone to pick up felt like an eternity, but it wasn't enough to find the words he would have wanted to say when the conversation started. It beeped a few times, long, endless seconds that he spent in complete darkness, listening to the shrill sound of the cell phone. But then the call was answered, but there was still silence on the other side.

 

"Hey." He said simply and there was another silence, just for a few moments.

 

"... Hey." Her voice was quiet and uncertain and Neil sighed.

 

"Are you still awake?" Claire made a noise like a choking laugh and an annoyed groan before she answered.

 

"Of course." They sat in silence, neither of them feeling the need to say anything, everything that was between them was already loud enough. He didn't know what he wanted to say, but she was the only one he wanted to talk to at the moment. Apart from the fact that it was already relatively late and everyone else was probably already either on the late shift or in bed - she was the only one who could really understand him, because she was the only one who felt the same as him.

 

"Look, Claire. I'm sorry-"

 

"Don't," she stopped him before he could think clearly. "Don't do that." Her voice was warm but aloof.

 

"Don't do what?" Claire sighed heavily and Neil suspected she was shaking her head.

 

"Don't say anything. I know you want to explain this, but you don't have to. It is ... what it is. There's nothing to say." She paused. "At least not to me." Neil ran his hand over his face, unable to think clearly. He knew she had already completely rebuilt her walls, making it almost impossible for him to see through them.

 

"I shouldn't have taken you by surprise like that, it ... I don't know." Neil let out a breath that he didn't know how long he had been holding. "But I really meant it." He hesitated. "I don't want you to go." There was a brief silence, not pleasant but not uncomfortable either, just necessary.

 

"I know." She whispered and Neil sighed. There were so many things he still needed to tell her, so many feelings he needed to express. But it didn't feel right, not on this evening that had changed their relationship in a way that neither of them could accept at that moment. "Let's ... just talk again before ... we'll talk later." Neil paused, it was right. He owed Nicole the conversation he was avoiding. Only then could he speak openly with Claire.

 

"Okay,well, I don't want to be the one who keeps you away from your bed this time," he said with a gentle smile, and judging by the sound from the other line, she was smiling too.

 

"Good night."

 

****

 

Neil had spoken to Nicole on the phone the next morning, explaining why he hadn't called that evening. Or at least he had tried to, without going into the real reason. She deserved more than a quick chat and he definitely didn't want to hide behind his phone.

The decision was made for Neil, it was only a matter of time before he could face it. He made a firm resolution to talk to Nicole as soon as possible in order to ... well, to make room for the Claire thing. He knew he hadn't approached the matter correctly and he didn't want to continue down that path. The story he wanted to write with Claire shouldn't start with a dishonest and secret affair.

But it was all more difficult than he expected, even with the clarity he had finally found. His fingers drummed restlessly on his desk, his gaze fixed on the almost empty coffee mug resting next to his elbow. You've made your decision, you know what you want. The worst is over. Neil rolled his eyes, knowing that what was about to happen to him and those closest to him over the past few months, was about to get much worse.

His office door opened without a knock and Neil didn't have to look to know who it was.

Without further warning, Shaun strode quickly toward him and without saying a word, he placed his tablet on Neil's desk and clasped his hands together.

 

"Mrs. Patterson's blood pressure dropped significantly post-op. I reviewed her charts, and there is no clear explanation. Dr. Lim said it could be transient hypotension, but I believe it is something else. I want to run additional tests." Neil blinked out of his daze and straightened. He took a few seconds to let Shaun's energy settle before grabbing the tablet to take a look himself.

 

"And what do you think it could be?" He waited for a direct answer, but when it didn't come, Neil raised his eyes to meet Shaun's, who had been staring at him. Neil frowned. "Uh, is everything okay?" Shaun let his gaze wander over him and Neil leaned back in his chair to examine him. He gave him a few seconds. "Murphy."

 

"Something's different." Neil tilted his head, watching Shaun, who had his gaze fixed on Neil's desk. "You have not finished your coffee. You always finish your coffee. And you are staring at nothing, which means you are thinking about something." Neil shook his head, smirking despite himself. Although Shaun didn't seem to really notice his surroundings, he seemed to be well aware of everything that was happening.

 

"I'm fine." Neil paused. "It's just personal stuff." He admitted, his voice quieter than he intended. Shaun nodded almost imperceptibly and Neil reached for the tablet again. But Shaun shifted his weight, looking uncertrain. Putting the tablet down again, Neil sighed and turned in his chair to face Shaun. "Okay, what's bothering you, Shaun?" Shaun said nothing for a moment and Neil knew even before he did that it wasn't the case that was bothering him. Well, he was right.

 

"How do you know if you're making the right decisions? Not as a doctor, but as a man?" Neil exhaled heavily, recoiling a little from the weight of the question, before crossing his arms. He would have liked to send Shaun away, telling him that he was trying to figure it out himself, but he didn't. Over the past few years, Shaun had turned to him from time to time for advice on his life and Neil appreciated that and didn't want to let him down.

 

"I guess you don't know until you make them. Sometimes you just go with what feels right and hope it's not a mistake." Shaun's face remained impassive, but he shook his head.

 

"I've been thinking a lot. About decisions, and how you know if you're making the right ones. And your answer isn't particularly helpful." Leaning forward, he grimaced and folded his hands on the table. "If you made a wrong decision, would you know?" Neil sighed heavily, the weight of his own thoughts pressing against him again.

 

"Eventually." Shaun nodded slightly, as if that had helped him in some way, before grabbing his tablet and turning around. He turned around again in the doorway.

 

"What if it's too late?" The lump in Neil's throat that he had been trying to suppress all morning spread again and seemed to constrict his throat.

 

"Then you do your best to fix it. And if you can't ... you learn from it." Shaun was quiet for a moment, processing. Then he nodded. Neil tilted his head, waiting for him to say something else, but as he turned to leave, Neil stopped him in his tracks.

 

"Does this have something to do with your engagement?" He hesitated for a moment. "Congratulations, by the way." Shaun turned around, his gaze focused on him for a moment before looking around the room.

 

"I love Lea and I want to be with her forever." He said with emphasis in his voice, but the hesitation that followed betrayed his uncertainty. "I just wonder if I can make her happy. I'm very difficult sometimes." Neil smiled slightly, a sign of sympathy, before thinking about what to say.

 

"Well, but that's not your decision." Shaun tilted his head and Neil shrugged. "Lea chose you because she wants to be with you. Because she thinks you can make her happy. And I think she's a strong woman and can deal with you and your needs very well. The same goes the other way around." Shaun nodded cautiously.

 

"Yes, you're right." Neil wanted to add something, but at that moment both of their pagers went off.

 

****

 

As Shaun and Neil sterilized themselves, the room was quiet. Neil thought a lot about what he had said, what worries Shaun had and hoped that he had been able to help him at least a little. Even if he felt that he was the last person anyone should have asked about something like that, he was still glad that Shaun had done it. At least Shaun seemed to think just as highly of him as before. Well, he didn't know anything about what had happened last night either, but plagued by his guilty conscience, it was good for him that at least he had relied on him. Shaun couldn't have known, but he had probably helped Neil more than the other way around.

The door opened and Claire entered, involuntarily taking a step back when she saw Neil.

"Hey." She finally said as she also went to the sink. She shouldn't have been surprised that Neil was here, after all she had paged him too. An emergency in the ER, not exactly a routine operation, but one that the three of them had already mastered together a few times in this constellation. In a way, he was happy that this situation was forcing him and Claire together again, but the tense atmosphere between them made him rethink that. He had lain awake all night thinking about her and when he saw the dark circles under her eyes, he wondered if she had done the same.

 

"Hey." He hesitated and compulsively thought about what else he could have said. Although Shaun was clearly oblivious to the tension that had built up as soon as Claire had entered the room, Neil still thought it was a bad idea to pour his heart out to her in front of him. "How are Rosi's vitals? Are the test results in yet?" Claire scrubbed her hands and nodded slightly without looking up.

 

"Hm-hm. Looks good." Neil nodded too before shaking off his hands.

 

"Well, then it was probably just the stress." Claire said nothing more and Neil felt his chest tighten at the thought of having to spend the next three to four hours in an operating room with her.

 

**

 

The operation had gone smoothly and the atmosphere had at least been bearable. Claire and Shaun had quickly lost themselves in a conversation that Neil had simply stayed out of and only added his comments when it was medically necessary. He had quietly enjoyed the few moments when Claire and Shaun had laughed together or discussed what they would do next time Claire came back. It gave him a feeling of warmth that he was already missing again as they cleaned themselves in the sink. Neil scrubbed himself longer than necessary in the hope that Shaun would leave the room and give him a moment with Claire and she seemed to have the same thought as she began the cleaning process once again. Shaun took an eternity and just when Neil thought that he would never leave, he did.

Neil sighed and leaned on the sink, Claire turned to him, searching for his gaze.

 

"I've been thinking a lot." She finally said when their eyes met and he just nodded.

 

"Me too." She laced her fingers in front of her stomach and sighed heavily. Neil wanted to say something, so many things he wanted her to know, but he didn't. He wanted to know what she had taken away from the whole situation.

 

"And I'm ... sorry." Neil grimaced as he turned to her, but her gaze was averted. Her expression was cold and emotionless, but the tension in her body was clear. "I ... don't know. It was so weird between us and I shouldn't have intruded like that." The sight of her made Neil's stomach clench, but her words made no sense.

 

"What are you talking about? Claire, what happened yesterday, I -" Claire shook her head.

 

"Shouldn't have happened." Her gaze landed on her feet and for a moment she seemed to be searching for the right words. "Look, I know that things used to be different and that this ... whatever it is was exciting and innocent, but now ... it was just wrong." Neil pierced her with his eyes, trying to read if she really believed what she was saying or if it was just her walls trying to protect her.

 

"Claire, it wasn't just you. Both of us, I mean, I have" She raised her hand, shaking her head again.

 

"I know, but it doesn't matter. I should have known better. I ... don't want to stand in your way." Neil sighed, the desperation bubbling up inside him making it almost impossible to think clearly. He knew Claire all too well and the expression she was trying to hide behind only betrayed her even more. He had looked into that face so many times, read the meaning in it, too many times not to know now that it was a facade. He swallowed hard and crossed his arms as he took a step toward her.

 

"I know why you're shutting down. It's not easy for me either, but" He looked for her eyes but couldn't find them, her eyebrows furrowed tightly as she seemed to process his words before shaking her head.

 

"I'm not shutting down, I'm just being honest." Neil frowned as she avoided his gaze. The tension in his jaw became unbearable, his body unprepared for this confrontation. He knew that any word in the wrong direction would push Claire away.

 

"No, you're not. You're running away." Before he could even finish the thought, she interrupted him.

 

"There is nothing to run from!" Her voice broke and as if by reflex her hand darted to her mouth, perhaps to stop the words from leaving it, but it didn't help. The next time she spoke her voice was quieter and more composed. "This" She waved her hand back and forth between them "doesn't make any sense. At all. We are a mess.” Her words hit him hard, but it was her expression that was unbearable.

 

“That doesn’t matter.” He said gently, hoping to take away her pain, but when her eyes met his, he knew that wasn’t the case.

 

“Yes, it does,” she said with a finality that made Neil back away. “You … have built something here, something serious, you said that yourself.” Her voice was foreign, where before it had been on the verge of breaking, it was now dominated by a coldness that Neil didn’t recognize. “I don’t want to ruin this, I just can’t.” Neil sighed, the weight of her words seemed to crush him, all the air in the room vanished into nothingness.

 

“But that’s not what I want.” At his words she closed her eyes and Neil dared to take a small step towards her. "That wasn't your mistake, Claire, it was mine." His voice was warm and reassuring, but Claire still shook her head as she closed her arms in front of her chest - a protective mechanism. Her eyes were glassy, ​​her gaze piercing.

 

"That doesn't change anything. I - " Neil's throat was tight, all he wanted to do was reach out and protect her, but his body was tense and he was sure he couldn't move even if he wanted to.

"I don't want that. I just don't want to be that person anymore, who ruins everything for others, especially" She hesitated, the confidence leaving her voice a little more with each word. "not for you." Finally she looked at him again, but all the warmth she usually radiated had disappeared. "As I said, I'm sorry, but that ... isn't meant to be." Neil swallowed hard, trying to process her words, to contradict her, to tell her that even if it didn't seem like it, it was right. That it was the wrong time, but that didn't mean it was the wrong decision. He was tired of waiting for the right moment, because it wouldn't come. Because yes, maybe they just weren't meant for each other, maybe there were a hundred different reasons why it was wrong, why this was doomed to fail, but it just didn't matter.

 

"Claire." He simply said, his voice so full of emotion that she backed away slightly. She raised her gaze, held his for a moment. He was sure that she would change her mind now, that what was between them was enough to nip all those doubts in the bud. But it wasn't like that.

 

She shook her head and turned around. Neil watched her leave, the door behind her closing and she disappeared.

 

As he stood alone in the washroom, alone with his thoughts, alone with the weight of her words and the finality in them, he wondered why it felt like that was the end of what was between them.

 

---

 

 

Notes:

What do you think Neil should do next? Should he try to talk to Claire again or let things calm down first? Nicole is another topic in itself. Things are heating up, it's going to be exciting. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 10: Loving and letting go

 

---

 

Part of him knew that getting drunk wasn't the answer, if anything it would only make things worse. The other, much louder part of him, longed for the numbing feeling that alcohol gave him.

He sighed. Just another day wasted. Lately he had noticed that he was reaching for the glass more and more often when things got too much for him - and that hadn't been unusual for a long time either. Although he kept intending to handle the whole thing differently, he ended up in a bar again that evening. Neil tried to convince himself that tomorrow would be a hard day for him - he and Nicole had agreed to meet up and even if he hadn't let on that he no longer saw any point in the relationship, everything inside him tightened at the thought that he would break the heart of the woman who had been by his side for the past few months and had trusted him unconditionally.

The thing about unconditional trust was the thing. He had lain awake all night, going over everything, every single detail of the evening, and one thing that had stuck with him was the text message Claire had sent him that he had never received.

 

Neil hadn't let it show in front of Claire, but he was pretty sure what the reason had been. And he couldn't even blame Nicole. He had thought that he had never given her a reason to be insecure about the relationship or to worry about Claire. But he knew that was only partially true. He had never been able to give himself completely to Nicole, whether she had noticed or not. But part of him was sure that she had known - that he hadn't been with her, at least not in the way he had pretended to be.

Of course, that wouldn't have justified her violating his privacy like that, taking his phone and deleting that text message. Especially since it raised the question of how many more messages she had read and how she had felt about them. Neil knew he should have blamed her, but he couldn't help but take the blame. She wasn't a jealous person, always confident and never doubted if you were honest with her. And he was the reason she no longer felt that way. Maybe it was the alcohol that changed his perception, because no, this relationship hadn't been perfect, but it could have been very good if he had treated her the way she had deserved. Maybe it wasn't her and there was another logical explanation. Neil sighed into his glass. No, there wasn't. It was simply the echo of his actions, like a mirror showing him what he had done wrong in the last few weeks. But he hadn't needed the mirror, not after the previous evening, not after that afternoon in surgery with Claire.

 

Her words had been harsh, so harsh that he doubted what had happened between them. Whether he had pushed her in a direction she had not been willing to go, whether he had misinterpreted the signs. 'It is what it is' she had said, but Neil had no idea what this 'it' even was. Had that been her goodbye? Had it been final? Was it really her who had spoken because she actually believed it or had it been her defense mechanism?

 

In a way, it made Neil sad how impossible it now seemed to him to tell the difference. In the past, he had been able to read her like an open book because they had opened up more and more and had no longer tried to hide what was going on in their heads. At least up to a certain point, and that point had been their feelings for each other. But now, after they had not seen each other for months and it seemed increasingly difficult for them to talk, she had become a stranger to him. Her facial expressions no longer matched what she was saying, her manner so aloof and cold ... he didn't know what to make of it. How should he deal with it - should he leave her alone, or try to make another move towards her? All he knew was that time was running out. Again. Because Claire's patients had come through the operations well and as much as Neil was happy for them both, it also meant that Claire would be leaving tomorrow.

 

Neil stared at his glass as if it contained all the solutions and answers he was looking for. A familiar voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

 

"The farthest corner of the bar, in the middle of the night? That should be interesting." Alex sat down on the chair opposite, his gaze warm, no sign of assessment. Neil grinned slightly and pushed the beer, that Alex had asked for when Neil called him, towards him. Taking the beer, he raised an eyebrow.

 

"I thought you owed me one. That's all you got?" Neil grinned and pushed the menu towards him, which Alex accepted with a broad grin. "Now we're talking"

For a moment it was quiet between the two as Alex studied the menu and Neil thought about what to say. He felt pathetic for trying to talk to Alex again, but he had been a great help to him in the past and sadly there was no one else he wanted to let into his head in this situation. When he had come into the bar a few hours ago, he had thought of Audrey first and foremost, but had immediately dismissed that thought. Audrey liked Nicole and she would certainly be disappointed in Neil and his approach. He didn't want her to blame him, although he very much deserved it. For a brief moment he had even considered turning to Aaron; as an outsider he might have a completely different perspective on the matter and Neil had always looked up to him. But from what Neil had heard, he already had enough problems of his own and he didn't want to impose himself in the middle of the night.

And of course he couldn't have asked Claire either.

So Alex was the best choice overall.

 

"Sorry I called so late. I hope I didn't disturb you." Neil finally said as he sipped his glass. Alex looked up for a moment and shook his head.

 

"No, it's fine. Morgan and I just had a pretty bad fight anyway." Neil tilted his head, waiting for further explanations as he watched every little expression on Alex's face.

 

"Oh. Crap, I didn't know that, sorry." Alex waved him off, put the menu aside and sipped his beer.

 

"No problem, she just needs a little time to cool down. The reconciliation will be all the better for it." He said with a shrug and laughed when he saw Neil's face grimacing. Alex leaned back and stretched. "Oh man, what a day." Neil watched Alex start to nibble on the label of his bottle and leaned forward slightly. The habit seemed quite familiar to him.

 

"How was work for you today? Didn't see you at all, spent half the day in the OR with Shaun and Claire." Alex looked up at the words and seemed to be trying to read Neil's face, but didn't say anything at first.

 

"Well, since Shaun was gone the whole time, I had his residents hanging on my coattails. Do what you will with that information." Neil grinned, a small part of him glad he didn't have to deal with it anymore. "But overall it was okay, we did a lot of follow-up and it seems like the Domino Transplant Project is actually over." He added as he raised his bottle to toast Neil. In fact, there were minimal complications with all the patients - a huge success. Neil wished he felt more like celebrating.

"But oh my god, can you maybe get Chase under control?" Neil raised his eyebrow. Another person who mentioned Chase. Under the circumstances, he had not yet managed to speak to him personally, but he was slowly starting to worry.

 

"What about him?" he asked cautiously, sipping his drink. Alex rolled her eyes.

 

"He's obsessed with the idea of ​​going to Guatemala now and I don't understand where that comes from. Since he hasn't found Claire, he's been on my back the whole time - what do I have to do with all this?" Alex sighed, frowned and folded his arms on the table. Neil did the same. In fact, he wondered what had possessed him to want to leave now. Neil was sure that Chase would be into it and had often thought about suggesting something similar to him in the past, but the fact that he now seemed to be in such a hurry, felt off.

 

"I don't know. I don't understand why it always has to be Guatemala anyway, there really are more than enough countries in need of help. I can't stand hearing it anymore." Neil wiped his hand across his face as he felt the tension spreading through his body. Park watched him for a few seconds without saying anything before wrinkling his nose.

 

"So ..." he began, drawing out the word. "Let me guess who this is about." His voice was free of judgement, but Neil still felt part of his stomach turn. Why did this all have to be so difficult? He sighed, slumped back in his chair and focused on the glass in front of him. He just couldn't seem to find the right words, the situation all in all already far too overwhelming and the alcohol in his system was slowly getting the better of him. Alex seemed to notice his hesitation because he smiled encouragingly.

"You and Claire met yesterday, didn't you?" Neil nodded, but frowned as that single sentence brought back all the memories of that evening that he had tried to push away.

 

"Yeah, we went bowling." He finally answered as casually as possible, but Alex seemed to see right through him. Or at least he seemed to have already drawn his own conclusions.

 

"So, did something happen between you?" Neil didn't look up as he thought about how to answer. A lot of things had happened, that was for sure.

 

"No." He said, but it sounded more like a question than an answer. Accordingly, Alex didn't look away, waiting for a more detailed answer. Neil sighed. "It almost did." He hesitantly raised his eyes, already prepared to see Park's twisted face, but he showed no emotion. That encouraged Neil to be completely honest - with Alex and with himself.

"And I kinda wish it did." Alex let the words hang in the air for a moment, long enough for Neil to realize their meaning and swallow. Park leaned back and watched him, motionless.

 

"Have you spoken to Nicole yet?" Neil immediately shook his head.

 

"No." When he saw the expression on Alex's face, a mixture of curiosity and concern, he nodded. "But I will, soon." Neil watched Alex's reaction and was surprised when he just shrugged slightly.

 

"Okay, so what's the problem?" Air escaped Neil's lips as his head began to spin. Almost everything that had happened in the last forty-eight hours had a bitter aftertaste, and it was no longer easy to judge what exactly was the worst part about it.

 

"The problem is that I went about this the wrong way and now I've scared her off." He hesitated, remembering the look on her face and the tone of her voice when she brought him back to reality. "She pushed me away and has been avoiding me ever since." Alex was watching him closely, so intensely that Neil would have been uncomfortable if he hadn't been so drunk. "Stupid." Neil finished his thought, shaking his head. He felt like the dumbest person in the world and had been fighting the urge to call Claire all evening. He knew that no matter how tense the atmosphere between them was, how hurtful her words would be - hearing her voice would make things a bit better.

Alex sighed.

 

"I'm not a Claire whisperer either," he began and Neil grunted. For a long time he had thought of himself as just that. Stupid. "But I don't know, if she shuts down, I wouldn't necessarily put pressure on her. I assume that it's probably complicated for her too. She probably just needs a little more time." Neil didn't look up, searching for answers in the glass in front of him. Of course, he had already drawn the same conclusion. But he wanted nothing more than a quick, direct solution.

"She said she's been trying to find a therapist in Guatemala for a while." Alex added as casually as possible and Neil pulled a face.

 

"How do you know that?" Neil's voice was more of a quiet grumble and Alex grinned slightly.

 

"Well, I have no problem talking to her." He shrugged. "She just mentioned it in passing when she was with us." Neil pricked up his ears and raised his eyebrow.

 

"When was she with you?" Before Alex could answer, a young, elegantly dressed man came over to them and smiled.

 

"Would you like something else?" Alex paused for a moment, probably because he didn't know it was that kind of bar. Here, where they were sitting, in the back of the bar, it didn't really look like one, it looked more like a dive. Neil pointed to his almost empty glass.

 

"Another one for me." He glanced over at Alex and nodded in his direction. "And whatever he wants." Alex nodded, smiling, and pulled out the menu again to explain his order to the employee. Neil only half listened, and it didn't matter. His thoughts were, as so often, about Claire. Was she really so bad that she needed therapy? Was he the reason for it? Or was she struggling with something else? He didn't judge her for it, but the thought that he didn't know didn't leave him cold.

The waiter disappeared and Alex sighed slightly.

 

"What were we talking about?" Neil just gave him a quick glance and he nodded. "Right, uh. Yes, Claire was with us on Sunday. Nothing special really. Just spent a bit of time together, talked a bit and so on. She had mentioned it once when Morgan said that she was thinking about going to therapy - I know, shocking." Alex waved him off and left Neil alone with his thoughts for a moment. Sunday. So she had been with Alex and Morgan, but he wondered why she hadn't just told him and had kept it so secret instead. It wasn't particularly surprising that they spent time together, Claire and Morgan were certainly not the best of friends, at least as far as Neil could tell, but they had gotten along better before Claire left.

 

"Is she struggling?" Alex raised his eyes and after a short pause he gave him a slight smile.

 

"Who? Morgan or Claire?" Neil snorted before shrugging.

 

"Both, I guess." Park seemed to be sorting out his thoughts, or maybe he just wasn't so sure himself. Neil knew that Morgan was fine from a medical point of view, but he had absolutely no way of seeing past her facade, if she had one.

 

"I don't know, honestly. Morgan shuts down with me too, whenever I ask her that, I haven't quite figured out how to talk to her about it yet." He grimaced for a moment. "And Claire, well. She seemed kinda reserved but not unhappy. But what does that say?" Neil leaned back in his chair and thought about it. He wondered when everything had become so complicated, why no one could talk about anything anymore and everyone seemed to want to sort out their problems on their own. He watched Park for a few seconds longer than necessary, wondering what was going on behind closed doors with him. Before he could ask him, his drink was brought to him and Alex his food. Neil couldn't help but notice Alex's grin as his steak was served to him and he chuckled. It really wasn't enough to repay Alex for all he had done for him recently, but it was a start.

Neil sipped his glass and left Alex alone with himself and his food for a few moments. This brief moment made him sigh, his thoughts now a complete mess. He was sure that he would feel the alcohol the next morning, but he didn't care at that point.

"I actually don't think it's so stupid that Claire wants to see a therapist again." Alex finally began, without taking his eyes off his food. His voice was warm, but the undertone in it said something else. "I was thinking about trying it again too." Neil nodded absently before the words got through to him.

 

"You've been in therapy once?" The sentence came out more surprised than Neil had planned and he pulled an apologetic face when Alex gave him a brief, skeptical look.

 

"Yep, back when I was a Cop. I saw things that I still haven't really processed to this day. A colleague recommended it to me at the time, I thought it was stupid." Alex leaned back against his booth, rolling his shoulders like he could shake off the weight of the past. "But I'd say it helped me. At least when things got really bad." Neil tapped his fingers against his glass, his gaze locked with Parks. He waited for Alex to say something, but he didn't, he just watched. Neil sighed, he wasn't usually one to spill his guts easily, but he wasn't blind either. He knew why Alex said that.

 

"Doesn't always work for everyone," Neil muttered, but there was no real argument behind it. Alex nodded.

 

"No, it doesn't. But neither does drinking." He gestured slightly to Neil's glass, no judgment in his tone, just a simple fact. Neil hesitated for a moment, wondering if he actually had a problem if his friends had already noticed. His index finger tapped nervously on the glass, less out of temptation to empty it than to consider whether it was worth it.

 

"Then why didn't you go anymore?" he asked instead and Alex shrugged.

 

"I don't know, probably because I just didn't have the time, you know how it is." He hesitated for a moment and chewed on his steak a little longer than necessary before turning slightly to Neil. "Sometimes I think that some things would have been easier for me if I had kept going. The thing with my ex wife, Kellan and then the earthquake." Neil felt his chest tighten at the memory, but the brief moment of pain crossing Alex's face made Neil suspect he felt the same way. "When the earthquake happened, I actually thought about it, Claire even recommended her therapist to me. But then Guatemala happened and well, the rest is history." Alex focused on his food and Neil watched him intently. He wouldn't have thought Alex was the type for therapy, although he knew from experience that there was no specific type for that.

Neil sighed and pushed his glass away from him.

 

"Sometimes I forget how young you all are. With everything you've been through ... the world just isn't getting any better." He finally said and sighed again. Alex's humming laugh pulled him out of this thought.

 

"Don't worry, grandpa. World's tough but at least you don't look a day over sixty." Neil paused for a second before joining in the laughter.

 

"Shut up!" The two giggled a little more to themselves and when their laughter died down, the silence was pleasant and the mood lightened. Neil stretched before folding his arms in front of his chest.

 

"If you hadn't stressed me out so much all the time, I probably would have been spared a few grey hairs." He grinned, shrugging his shoulders and Alex returned his grin directly.

 

"Hey, you choose your own battles." He replied and waved him off. For a moment, Neil enjoyed the atmosphere between them, the feeling of finally being able to laugh with someone again without the moment being ruined by physical attraction or confusing feelings. When the muscle under Alex's eye twitched slightly, Neil tilted his head.

 

"About that ..." Alex looked up and Neil gave him a slight smile before wrinkling his nose. "The argument with Morgan ... do you want to talk about it?" A brief grin crossed Alex's face before his body tensed. A nervous giggle left his lips.

 

"I'd say it was a misunderstanding, but oh well." Neil grinned when he noticed the tone in Alex's voice.

 

"Famous last words." He murmured and Alex crossed his arms.

 

"Well, she's been on clinic duty most of the time lately. And when I stopped by earlier, she had just admitted a man with gallstones." He looked meaningfully at Neil and he frowned. "Morgan thought that it could be observed again, but I disagreed." He shrugged. "For me, this was a clear case for surgery." Neil took a sharp breath. Gallstones were really not uncommon and there was often disagreement about which course of action would be appropriate. He also remembered situations where he had clashed with his attending back in the day because of this.

 

"Okay, so Morgan didn't take kindly to you contradicting her about her patient?" he asked, but Alex shook his head and rubbed his chin.

 

"That wasn't the problem." He paused. "The problem was that I more or less said that women tend to be cautious in general." Neil snorted. Ouch. He slumped back in his chair and watched Alex with a slight grin on his face. This couldn't end well.

 

"Very clever." Neil added sarcastically and Alex also gave a quick chuckle before rubbing the back of his neck.

 

"She looked at me like I'd suggested taking away her right to vote." He shook his head slightly and leaned forward. "Then she explained to me in an icy tone that it's not 'cautious', it's 'clinically sensible consideration'." Neil snorted in amusement, since he actually agreed with Morgan.

 

"And then?" Alex tapped his fingers nervously on the table when he met his gaze.

 

"I said that women think more about risk, while men act more on instinct." Neil grimaced. He would not have expected such a generalizing attitude from Alex.

 

"You said that to Morgan? Your girlfriend who stuck her freshly operated hands into a person to save them?" Alex rolled his eyes, apparently very aware of how stupid that sounded. Neil leaned back and took another sip of his drink. "Okay, so I'm no expert, but I wouldn't really think that Morgan 'just needs to let off steam'." He grinned. "I would say you need to duck your head and talk to her. Because ... you're wrong." Across the table, Alex gave him a little pat on the shoulder before rolling his eyes.

 

"Yeah, probably." He finally admitted.

 

"I had a similar situation with Jessica once." Neil began and Alex seemed to think for a moment before his eyes widened.

 

"Jessica, as in your ex-fiancée Jessica?" Neil nodded, amused.

 

"That's exactly her." He leaned back. "Back when she was still working in our legal department, we had an argument about a living will. I said that her department was sometimes too bureaucratic and didn't understand what was at stake for us in the operating room." Alex nodded slightly.

 

"Facts." Neil grinned as he remembered how much he had thought he was right at the time.

 

"Okay, but then I said that it's easy to make decisions from the office when you don't have to get your hands dirty." Alex took a sharp breath.

 

"Ouch." Neil laughed.

 

"She looked me straight in the eyes and said that I shouldn't turn to her if I needed a signature or got into trouble." Neil's heart warmed as he thought back to that time. Things with Jessica hadn't ended well, but he still liked to remember the time when everything was still good between them. And that was it in all the weeks after that incident, when she kept teasing him about it.

 

"Bitter." Alex said and Neil grinned.

 

"Yes, and I also thought that 'our reconciliation will be all the better'." He laughed. "But three weeks later I needed her help because a family wanted to take action against us and well. When I got to her office, she had already signed all the necessary documents, but she didn't speak to me until I sincerely apologized." Neil shrugged. "She never let me forget that I said that." Alex grinned amusedly before holding out his beer bottle to Neil.

 

"Well, that's why you don't sleep with your superiors." Neil raised his glass.

 

“Or with colleagues in general,” he added before they clinked glasses, knowing full well that neither of them would stick to it.

 

„Cheers to that.“

 

****

 

Neil was right, the next day was a nightmare, the alcohol had not yet completely left his system. He and Park had spent over an hour together in the bar, philosophizing a bit about life and yes, also talking about Claire, but on the whole they had used the time to just be two men in a bar.

It had been liberating and also in a way reassuring when Alex had also opened up about his problems for once. It was good to deal with other people's problems and to have the feeling that he could do something for someone.

Even though the evening had helped him to be a little more neutral about today's situation, he dreaded going to Nicole tonight.

 

Rubbing his temples to calm the throbbing pressure, he leaned over his desk and stared at the documents in front of him, not really reading anything. He was lucky that he didn't have any operations today, but he wouldn't be able to do much other work either. There was a knock on the door and Neil grumbled dissatisfiedly before calling 'come in'. He would have preferred to shield himself from the outside world for the rest of the day, not least because he had absolutely no desire for social contact, but also because he was reluctant to show himself in front of the others, clearly affected by an almost sleepless night.

 

"Dr. Melendez. You wanted to speak to me?" Neil only raised his eyes briefly when he heard his voice and pointed to the chair in front of him.

 

"Please sit down, Dr. Chase." He had finally found the time to find out what the whole thing about Chase was all about, although admittedly he couldn't have chosen a worse time. Almost uncertainly, Chase dropped into the chair and folded his hands in his lap to look at Neil carefully. Neil tried to focus on him and took a sip of his water before turning to him.

 

"Do you have something to tell me?" he finally began and watched as the color drained from his counterpart's face.

 

"Excuse me?" Neil leaned back in his chair and tapped his pen on the table, not taking his eyes off Chase.

 

"Do you want to continue to be part of this hospital?" Chase nodded quickly but said nothing, probably not yet fully aware of what Neil was getting at. "I've heard from several sources that you are currently interested in continuing your training elsewhere." Chase looked at him for a moment before waving him off.

 

"Oh, um. That. That's not important. I ... I've just heard so many good things. About the program." Neil raised his eyebrow.

 

"What program?" Chase shifted uncomfortably in his chair, under Neil's piercing gaze.

 

"Uhm. With Guatemala, I was interested in helping out a little there. Of course I didn't want to stab anyone in the back and it's a great honor for me to work with you and I can't imagine leaving without you, but I've heard a few things that I think, well, I think that ... it would be a good step for my training, because here ... Well, sometimes I feel like that.” Neil raised his hand to interrupt Chase's flow of speech. Maybe it was because of the night he'd just had, but Neil was sure that he wouldn't have been able to follow Chase even if he hadn't had a hangover.

For a moment he just stared at him, busy processing the information that had just come out of his mouth at record speed, but he couldn't really make any sense of it. He was all the more relieved when another knock on the door distracted him.

 

"Come in." Neil only raised his eyes briefly, but he didn't have to to know who it was.

 

Claire pushed herself halfway through the door and smiled a little sheepishly. Neil leaned forward, almost perplexed, and let his gaze wander over her. She wasn't wearing hospital clothes, which suggested that she was either about to leave or had just arrived. A glance at the clock, however, only allowed one answer.

"Claire, hey." He said, glad that his voice did not reflect the chaos of emotions he was feeling. With a quick movement, he stood up from his chair, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head, and took a step toward her. A cautious smile was still playing on her lips as she took a step closer to him. Her gaze flicked to Chase and only then did Neil realize that they were not alone. He cleared his throat and folded his arms as he looked at her questioningly.

 

"Hi." She said, folding her hands in front of her stomach. Uncertainty. Her gaze met his, but she quickly turned away again. "I ... just wanted to say goodbye again. We're leaving this afternoon." Neil watched her mouth open, but it was almost as if no words left her lips. He hadn't expected her to come to him again, and the fact that she did warmed his heart. "I don't know. Felt weird not to." Neil nodded slowly.

 

"Right." He shook his head and took another small step toward her, past Chase. "Right, uh, I'm glad you came." For a few seconds they just stood facing each other, staring at each other, neither of them really knowing what the right course of action would have been. The last goodbye, as painful as it had been, had been easier. It had felt right to take her in his arms and hold her, to let her know he was there. But now he didn't feel like he had the right to do that anymore. Her body turned slightly away from him, a small frown between her eyebrows - he was sure that if he tried to close the distance between them now, he would only push her further away.

 

"So, yeah. Bye." She said simply, her voice a little too quiet, as if she wanted to prevent him from reading the emotions in it.

 

"Yeah ... will you let me know when you get there?" he asked cautiously. Even though he had come to the conclusion yesterday in the bar with Alex that it was better to give her some time and space, that didn't mean that it was easy to do so. Especially not when she was looking at him the way she was at that moment.

"Or maybe you want to talk now?" There was more meaning in his words than he had wanted to admit.

She smiled gently, a slight movement of her head, not strong enough to be a nod, before she sighed.

 

"Bye, Neil." His hand twitched as if it wanted to reach out to her, to stop her from leaving. He fought hard against the urge to stop her and clenched his jaw.

 

"Okay, see you later." He finally said, but couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice. And then he watched her leave once more without saying anything. It was better than the last time and he was grateful that she had taken this step, even if it must have been difficult for her. Even though he really couldn't do much with that conversation, it helped him process the one from the washroom and gave him a certain, naive hope. He turned around and sighed heavily, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

How could he let her go every time?

 

"... so... should I come back another time?" Chase asked, pulling Neil out of his thoughts and bringing him back down to earth.

 

"No, talk. Slowly."

 

****

 

The conversation had gone more or less as expected after Claire had left. Neil had only been able to listen half-heartedly, his thoughts had been with her. But when Chase had talked about his plans, about the ideas he had for his future, Neil had seen the light that he had only seen in the eyes of one other person. Four months ago.

In the end, he had only told Chase that he should think about his decision carefully, as there was a risk that it would not be the way he imagined it. After all, he had seen exactly the same thing before. Neil would not stand in his way, but he would also not take responsibility if he was dissatisfied. And unlike with Claire, Neil could not assure him that he would continue to have a place here in this hospital if he would like to return. Neil also mentioned in passing that he did not believe in rumors and that in the future he would please come to him first and not ask all of his colleagues before him. He would be happy to still be his person of trust in the future, but only if he was honest. Chase had, as expected, taken Neil's opinion seriously and decided to think about it again, promising that Neil would be the first person he would tell about his decision.

 

The day already felt so long that it was even harder to get in his car and drive to Nicole. She wouldn't be home for another two hours, but Neil didn't want to miss the opportunity to take a spin with Banjo while he still had the chance.

 

So he parked his beloved car in the guest parking lot in front of Nicole's apartment and went up the stairs with a heavy sigh. He had been here so often in the last few weeks, months, and even though he had now noticed that it hadn't felt completely right and at home, his heart still felt heavy as he went up the familiar stairs and saw the far too colorful doormat in front of her apartment door. She had been something to him, an important part, even if it hadn't been enough. When he found the key under the doormat as usual and unlocked the door, his throat went dry. Then Banjo came along and greeted him as if he hadn't seen him in years, and even though it was a nice feeling, it only made things worse.

 

With Banjo at his side, he walked through the park, perhaps hoping to see Claire again, although that was impossible, she would surely already be on her plane. Nevertheless, his eyes unconsciously searched the park for her. Of course she wasn't there. The realistic part of him was actually glad that she wasn't. As much as he loved Banjo, the sight of him would surely cause Claire nothing but pain and that was the last thing he wanted.

 

Neil wondered if she would really get in touch when she arrived. By that point, the conversation with Nicole would most likely already be over and then he would be ... single. Would that change anything? Would Claire feel even more pressured if he came right in and as soon as she landed, spread the good news that he had broken up with his girlfriend because of her? Neil almost grinned, this scenario was so absurd. How to make women run away in panic - a piece of wisdom from Neil Melendez.

Only then did it occur to him that he didn't even know what he was going to say to Nicole that night. Sure, he knew what he had to say, but how was he going to get it across without tearing her heart into infinite pieces? He couldn't remember the last time he'd broken up with a woman. The breakup with Audrey had been amicable, so it didn't really count. Jessica had left him, and the way she'd done it ... well, he didn't want to follow suit. There was that girl in college he'd dated for a few months, the prom queen. The first time he'd given his heart away, completely and (at least it seemed to him at the time) for good. But as teenage love goes, that hadn't lasted very long, and she'd soon left him for someone a little taller than him, a little more tattooed, and a little more white. The first time he'd had his heart broken.

When he thought about it, that was the closest thing he had ever come to what was about to happen, and the thought of it made his stomach turn. He could still remember exactly how he had felt then, and how he wouldn't have wished that on his worst enemy. And now he was in the position of the heartbreaker.

 

He sighed and almost didn't notice the woman jogging towards him.

 

"Dr. Melendez. Fancy seeing you here." Neil grinned as Audrey came to a stop almost directly in front of him, trying to catch her breath. It made him feel good that she still jogged when she had the time. Almost immediately he noticed that the dark circles under her eyes had now become a little lighter, the grin on her face a little wider. Josh.

 

"Strange seeing you in the wild, boss. Almost didn't recognize you without the hospital walls around you." He joked, and Audrey rolled her eyes. Her gaze fell on the dog at his side and she grinned.

 

"You and that shaggy head. Inseparable, huh?" Neil smiled slightly, but it didn't reach his eyes, which Audrey noticed immediately. She grimaced.

 

"Did I say something wrong?" Neil shook his head and caught her gaze. He was sure she could already read it in his eyes, everything that was raging inside him. But she said nothing, so he just sighed.

 

"No, it's fine. It's just ... one of those days." Audrey put her hands on her hips and studied him for a moment before speaking.

 

"What's wrong? Talk to me." Neil wrinkled his nose, more to buy himself some time, and briefly stared at the ground in front of him, searching for the right words. Then he cleared his throat slightly.

 

"This thing with Nicole ... isn't working." He finally said, his voice surprisingly cold for the amount of pain he was carrying. Audrey tilted her head and narrowed her eyes.

 

"But that's her dog, isn't it?" Neil rubbed the back of his neck, the tension almost unbearable. One of those days.

 

"Yes, obviously." He began hesitantly. "I'm meeting her tonight and I'll probably end it." A hint of sympathy crossed her face, but it remained motionless after that, as if she hadn't quite understood the meaning behind it.

 

"I'm sorry to hear that." Her voice was warm, but her eyes still didn't quite reveal what she was actually feeling. Neil just nodded. "What's not working?" Neil gritted his teeth, he really didn't feel like going down that path when he knew he would have to have the same conversation with Nicole herself in a short time. Although he knew that Audrey only had the best in mind for him, everything in him still refused to be honest with her.

 

"I don't know, sometimes it's just like that," he said dismissively and raised his eyes for a moment. But that seemed to have been enough for Audrey, because she folded her arms in front of her chest. Her look wasn't accusatory, but it wasn't particularly empathetic either.

 

"Still the same thing?" she asked and strangely enough he knew exactly what she meant. There could have been many reasons, maybe they didn't want the same thing, maybe she didn't want children, maybe there was a bigger, more tattooed man for her. But Audrey knew the real reason because she knew Neil.

He held her gaze for a brief moment before he looked away, maybe because he was uncomfortable, or maybe he couldn't handle the feelings reflected in her eyes.

 

"Well, I guess I'm not really over it after all." A humorless laugh left his lips just before Audrey nodded understandingly.

 

"But she left again today." Neil sighed heavily, knowing that this would indeed play a big role in the future, but at that moment it didn't seem that important.

 

"That doesn't change anything." Audrey nodded again, but said nothing else and he felt exposed; in a way it was humiliating that he hadn't gotten over it after so long, even if this it hadn't even really been a thing. Audrey couldn't know what had happened between them in the last few days.

 

"I'm sorry to hear that." She finally said and Neil would have felt offended if there hadn't been so much warmth in it and if he hadn't known her long enough to know what she meant. He was sorry too.

"Let me know if you need someone to talk to tonight." She shrugged. "Or to drink with." Neil gave her a small, sincere smile before he said goodbye. He wasn't really planning on going out drinking with her; apparently she hadn't even noticed his hangover. But it wasn't that difficult - he looked like death himself, haunted by the ghosts of his past and now, hopefully, his future.

He watched her until she disappeared from his sight and then, with a slight sigh on his lips, he set off.

 

****

 

There were a million reasons why Nicole had been right for him. She was smart, intelligent, and beautiful. She fit into his life effortlessly, like a puzzle piece he hadn't known he was looking for. For a period of time, they had both wanted exactly the same thing out of life. She had been willing to give him everything if he had just asked. The truth was, it would have been easy to build a life with her, get married, have kids, the whole package. But there was only one reason why that couldn't be. She wasn't Claire. And no matter how much they tried to make it fit, it wouldn't have worked, not when he was so sure of where his heart belonged. Because Nicole wasn't her.

Neil gritted his teeth as he walked heavily up the stairs to her apartment. Those were definitely not the right words, that much was certain.

When he saw the dim light shining through under the door, it made a small part of him hesitate. He could go in there and pretend the last few days hadn't happened, he could be with her, hold her and ... no, he couldn't. He couldn't lie to himself anymore.

 

His heart was in his throat as he put the key in the lock and pushed Banjo through the apartment door. He let his eyes wander - her bag was still on the kitchen chair, the coffee maker was still running, the newspaper was still rolled up on the table. She had obviously come home not too long ago.

 

"Hey, are you there?" he called carefully as he untied Banjo and closed the door. There was no answer, but as he walked further into the room, he heard her humming softly from the bathroom and sighed. His chest tightened and he could feel his breath being forced out unevenly. Only then did he realize how wet his hands were, goddamn it. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this nervous. There was obviously no way around what was waiting for him, his entire future depended on the next few moments and yet ... he hadn't expected to be so nervous.

He looked for something to do to distract himself from the chaos of his thoughts - how could he ever think clearly in his condition - and changed the water in the dog's bowl. While he was still busy doing that, he heard her footsteps behind him.

 

"When did you sneak in?" she asked happily and before he could answer, she put her arms around him from behind and held him in a tight hug. Almost involuntarily, his hand darted to hers, which she had placed on his chest, and he sighed.

 

"Be glad I'm not a burglar, Mrs. Keys under the Doormat." He felt the light giggle and her breath on his neck and turned to her. She didn't let go of him and gave him a big smile as she rested her chin on his chest. He locked his arms behind her back.

 

"I missed you." She whispered softly, a slight smile crossing her face.

 

"I missed you too." He said as he gently stroked her back. Surely that wasn't the right way to initiate a breakup, but in that moment he felt that it was true.

She may not have been the woman of his heart, the woman of his life, but in the last few months they had grown close and she had become an important part of him. The warmth of her body had often comforted him after a stressful day in the ER, her loving words were what had motivated him. And yet, in the end, it hadn't been enough. Even if it had been incredibly selfish, she had given him something he needed in that moment - clarity. Clarity about the idea he had of life, clarity about the fact that sometimes wanting wasn't enough.

 

She stood on her tiptoes, stretched towards him and captured his lips in a gentle, loving kiss. It felt wrong to kiss her when he thought back to the evening with Claire and how much he had wished that she was the one he could kiss, but in a way it gave him support. The kiss lasted only a few seconds before he pulled away from her with a slight sigh and rested his chin on her head. He knew that the conversation would not be an easy one because he had never wanted to hurt Nicole, but he had not expected how hard it would hit him. Something felt unfair that he had to let her go, that it wasn't working out even though they had wanted it so much. Sometimes life just wasn't fair.

 

After a few more seconds, she loosened her embrace and pulled away from him, still smiling broadly, and reached past him to the coffee machine to pour herself a cup. Neil took the opportunity to put the appropriate distance between them, putting Banjo's water back on the shelf and pulling the chair forward. He watched Nicole for a moment before sitting down. Humming softly, she poured herself her coffee before turning to him.

 

"So, how was work?" she asked curiously as she also pulled the chair across from Neil and sat down. Neil smiled slightly, but shook his head, partly to banish the thought of Claire in his office.

 

"Nothing special, mostly paperwork." She tilted her head as she put her hand on the table, which Neil immediately grabbed.

 

"Really? You look pretty exhausted." Neil's heart began to beat wildly in his chest. He couldn't avoid the conversation any longer, that was the only reason he had come here. A quiet clearing of his throat helped him find his voice.

 

"Yes, no, I was out with Park for quite a long time yesterday." She raised her eyebrow questioningly, but the corner of her mouth twitched slightly. "We celebrated our successful domino project and we probably overdid it a bit." He said half-truthfully and a humorless laugh left his lips. She smiled and sipped her cup, not taking her eyes off him. He involuntarily thought that she had to know. Everything he actually wanted to say. But then she just shook her head with a slight grin.

 

"You deserve it. You've been working so much lately." Neil smiled too, but it didn't reach his eyes. It wasn't work that had taken up his time.

"So, what do you say, do we want to watch the first and second parts of Star Wars today? I went shopping earlier and bought those nuts you like so much." She gestured towards the bag next to her and Neil barely managed to keep from grimacing. That didn't make things any easier.

His smile was warm as he straightened his back and gently stroked the back of her hand with his finger.

 

"Yes, sounds good." He felt his throat tighten and he couldn't find the air to speak. "But I'd like to talk to you first." He managed to say, watching her expression automatically darken. She watched him intently for a moment before putting the cup down on the table.

 

"Will you finally explain to me what's wrong with you?" Her voice was cold, her gaze intense. The directness of her question caught him off guard. He looked up and met her gaze, holding it a bit longer than neccessary. She was so open, so trusting, and he felt the weight of his guilt pressing down on him. So she had noticed after all - that he was no longer himself. Or that he never had been.

 

"I'll try, yeah." He admitted, his voice quiet. She said nothing, her finger nervously traced the rim of her cup. When he saw the pain that flashed across her face for a split second, he sighed, ashamed, hurt. All he wanted to do was protect her from the truth, but even as he sat there, feeling the sincerity of her words, Claire’s face flashed in his mind. The way she had looked at him that night, the unspoken connection between them that had nearly pulled them together. He exhaled heavily.

 

“There’s something that’s been bothering me for a while and I think I haven’t processed a lot of things as I should have … or had to.” Suddenly her eyes warmed, a worry line formed on her forehead.

 

“Is this about what happened to you in the earthquake?” Neil grimaced at the words, but shook his head involuntarily.

 

“What? No.” He gave her a warm smile. “I’m fine, that’s not the point.” She studied him for a moment, her fingers now pulsing nervously on the table.

 

“Then what is it about?” she asked impatiently, not completely managing to hide the pain in her voice. Neil wiped his face with his free hand before taking another deep breath.

 

"It's about us ... among other things." He began carefully, but he could already see the color draining from her face. The sight took away any courage he had mustered.

 

"Okay ... what about us?" Neil's pulse pounded in his ears. He had been going over the words in his head for hours, almost days, trying to sugarcoat the inevitable. But there was nothing, absolutely nothing, he could have said to make it less painful, especially since he had resolved to be honest.

 

"Nicole ... you are so incredibly beautiful and understanding." Before he had even finished the sentence, she pulled her hand out from under his and rolled her eyes, shaking her head. She said nothing, but her body was much more tense than it had been a few moments before. "You are perfect through and through and you mean so much to me, Nicole. But" He hesitated, took a deep breath and finally, for the first time in months, he was honest. "But I can't give you everything of myself. And you deserve that. You deserve someone whose heart is completely yours." Nicole blinked, her expression unreadable at first. Then, slowly, the realization of his words set in and her lips parted as if the air had been stolen from her lungs.

 

"And that's not you." She exhaled shakily, her eyes now glistening with moisture. Neil clenched his jaw. He hated it, hated how much he was hurting her.

 

"No." He said gently. "It's not."

For a moment that dragged on far too long, it was quiet between them, both already knowing what this meant. This was the end, an end that had been inevitable, at least from Neil's perspective. Still, it hurt to see what could have been so much for him break apart between them. It was quiet, so quiet, as if everything had already been said.

But then she saw it - how he was rubbing his hands restlessly and avoiding her gaze.

 

"Is there anyone else?" she finally asked simply, not really much emotion in her voice. It wasn't really a question, the way she phrased it, she definitely had an idea where the conversation was going and Neil's chest tightened. He only looked into her eyes for a brief second, but it was enough.

 

"It's not that simple." He said, but the tone of his voice gave him away. He rubbed his thighs as he sighed heavily. She knew it, she had probably known it all along.

 

"Just say it." She demanded, her arms now crossed in front of her chest, her foot bouncing restlessly up and down. He said nothing, he couldn't. But she deserved the truth, so he raised his eyes and met hers. He recognized the moment immediately - the moment when she understood. Her features went cold, her eyes staring straight ahead.

 

"It's Claire, isn't it?" That wasn't a question either, but a statement, and Neil rubbed his face, shaking his head slowly. Gritting his teeth, he stared at the table in front of him.

 

"Nicole ..." She didn't cry, didn't flinch. She just stared at him, her expression unreadable. Then, she exhaled through her nose, gave a small, bitter laugh.

 

"I knew it." Neil heard it in her voice, even though she tried to hide it. It wasn't a new realization, it was actually a silent fear that had now become true. He said nothing, didn't look up, let the words hover over them like a heavy cloak of guilt and pain. She sighed and shook her head before looking at him disdainfully.

 

"You know, I was starting to wonder when you'd finally admit it to yourself." That made him look up, a tight feeling in his chest almost took all the air he could breathe.

 

"What?" She closed her eyes for a moment, maybe because she couldn't look at him, maybe because she didn't want him to see the pain in them.

 

"Neil, I'm not blind, nor am I stupid. I saw it." She let out a sharp breath, as she opened her eyes slowly. She met his gaze and swallowed hard. "I saw the look on your face when you talked about her. I saw the way you looked at her. The way you looked at me when I interrupted you during ... whatever." Neil pursed his lips as he thought back to the moment in the emergency room. She had noticed. Of course she had.

"I saw how you always stared at your phone when you thought I wasn't noticing. How disappointed you were when she didn't call. I saw how you texted each other." She paused briefly as she stumbled over her words. Neil took a sharp breath. It had actually been her, she had read his messages and probably deleted them too. He wanted to say something, but the look in her eyes held him back.

"Not to mention that you've been avoiding me completely since she came back ... I just kept telling myself I was imagining it." She laughed bitterly as she put her arms on the table and looked at him.

"Did something happen between you? When you met?" Neil hesitated for a moment, gritting his teeth as he considered his words. He took a deep breath.

 

"Not physically, no." Nicole slumped back in her chair as if she needed a moment to properly comprehend the words. He didn't know if his answer was less painful, or maybe more, but he didn't have another one. He wouldn't have described the almost-kiss as 'nothing', but the answer was close enough to the truth that he wouldn't go into more detail. At least it suggested that whatever had happened between them had changed the situation.

He caught her gaze and held it, but he couldn't read it. Whether that made it better or worse, he couldn't say. She blinked hard, kept her eyes closed longer than necessary, and sighed. When she opened her eyes again, they were glassy and cold.

 

"Have you ever really tried with me? Did it ever really mean anything to you? Or was I just ..." Her voice broke and she shook her head. "Was I just a distraction while you tried to figure out what you wanted? Or until she came back?" A hollow feeling spread in the pit of his stomach as he reached out his hand to her.

 

"No, Nicole, it wasn't like that. Really." She shook her head but said nothing. "I mean what I said. I wanted this, I really wanted this and I'm so sorry I can't give it to you." He felt his eyes getting wet, the emotions boiling inside him, sadness, shame, guilt, it was unbearable. "This has nothing to do with you, I promise. I'm the problem, not you." She snorted, the words spoken far too often felt like a lie even to his ears, but there was so much truth in them.

 

"Oh believe me, I know." She said sharply before furrowing her eyebrows. "You lied to me." Neil sighed and shook his head.

 

"No, I-" he swallowed the heavy lump in his throat, knowing that whether subconsciously or not, he had probably lied to her  "- wasn't honest with myself." She nodded slowly, as if she really understood what he had meant. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to." She nodded again, but said nothing.

Nicole looked away for a long moment, her lips pressed together tightly. When she finally looked back at him, there was heartbreak in her eyes, but also something different. Warmth.

 

"You should go." She whispered and nodded towards the door. Neil hesitated, wanted to say something to fix it somehow, but there was nothing he could say. He nodded and slowly stood up, his body feeling heavy. He would have expected to feel lighter, free of what had been dragging him down. But he felt worse than before. His heart was a little broken today, but he had ripped hers apart in the air.

 

He walked slowly to the door, knowing full well that it would be the last time he was here. His eyes met Banjo, who was curled up on the floor. A slight smile crept onto Neil's lips, but it was not a genuine one, but one of farewell and regret.

 

As he reached for the door handle, he turned around once more. Nicole didn't look at him, her body turned away from him.

 

"You deserve better, Nicole." She said nothing, and he understood. He turned, stepped out the door and into the dark hallway.

 

As the door closed behind him, Neil let out a heavy breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. The pain in his chest was unbearable, but it had been right.

As much as Nicole had meant to him, his heart had already chosen someone else - a long time ago.

 

As he walked down the stairs, his heart as heavy as his conscience, he prepared himself for his future. An uncertain future, but hopefully with the woman he actually loved by his side.

 

---

 

Notes:

Sooo.

The next chapter will be long, the longest yet. So prepare yourself, it will stay exciting.
I had a lot of fun writing the next chapters, please let me know what you would like to read in the following chapters - a special topic to be discussed, an interaction between special characters or whatever. Also keep an eye on the tags - we have interesting times ahead ;)

Chapter 11: Where you belong

Notes:

Little disclaimer : yes, it will get better from now on and Neil will finally be able to get some closure.
In order for him to do so, I need to give a little trigger warning. Nothing too serious but nonetheless.
Triggerwarning: Loss and Grief

 

---

 

The next few weeks flew by, or at least they seemed to just blur into a chaos of work and stress. Neil was almost glad about it; the work that suddenly took over gave him the opportunity to focus on something other than the urge to make things right. He knew it wouldn't be the right way and even if it was difficult, it felt right to process all the things that had happened in the last few weeks. Maybe there really was something to 'letting the dust settle over it'.

Neil was in the operating room more often now, mostly he was spared the presence of the residents, more often he operated together with Park or even Morgan, who was now able to do so again. From what Alex had said, she had actually decided to go for the therapy - whether it really helped her or not, Neil didn't want to build an opinion on that. It could just as well have been her regained self-confidence that was inspiring her. Alex seemed reassured, in any case.

Dr. Chase had reconsidered his decision and was still not sure what was right for him. Neil rolled his eyes more and more often when he started talking to him. Sooner or later the conversation would turn back to Guatemala and that was the one topic Neil did not want to deal with.

He worked overtime in the emergency room, just to get back into a daily routine. A daily routine that was so different from what it had been just a short time ago. Neil had almost forgotten what it was like to be lonely. Alone with his thoughts, with his feelings ...

 

It was strange, now that Nicole was no longer a part of his life. It felt almost surreal, the way it had ended. The split wasn’t explosive, but it was painful in a quite, inevitable way. That night he had just left, no grand gestures, no long conversations. Just … over. Even though Neil knew by now that he couldn’t or didn’t want to love Nicole, it had still been more painful than he had expected – her absence. The fact that he was working more now might also have been because he no longer had the opportunity to go to her. The only thing he had left was his empty apartment.

 

Even if it had been the right thing, a small, quiet part of him had often played with the idea of ​​asking her for another chance. The part of him that longed for stability, for security, it could have been so easy. He missed her in a twisted, selfish way. He missed her humming from the bathroom as he lay in bed going over his plan for the next day. He missed her little attentions - how she would write him a loving note every morning or invite him to dinner again and again. He missed her being there whenever he needed her. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized he missed the idea of ​​her. Having someone.

But Claire had ruined that for him. Claire and her green, loving eyes. Claire and her warm smile that made his heart beat faster. Claire and the way she looked at him when she thought he wouldn't notice. Claire and her touches that made his body tingle. Claire and the way he felt when he was with her. Claire and the evening in the park that had changed everything. Claire and the certainty that he wanted more. More than security and habit, he wanted all of those things with her.

 

But Claire had gone back and for a while that had been good, for both of them. When she had arrived she had contacted him, but nothing about her message had been personal or loving. It was really nothing more than a status update, more like communication between colleagues. And then there was silence again. Emptiness and space. At first it was good, for what he needed. He didn't want to rush it again and this time he wanted to be one hundred percent sure that he knew what he wanted. He didn't want to be pushed away by her again. The space had done him good. Until it didn’t anymore.

Neil didn't know what he had expected when she left. She had come to see him and said goodbye and even if this goodbye had been less loving than the previous one, it had still been important to her to see him again. She had smiled when she left. He knew she would also need this time to process what had happened and sort herself out. But he had expected that she would get in touch again at some point - when she was ready. But she didn't.

When he woke up in the middle of the night, he instinctively checked his phone, but there had never been a message.

At work, he kept checking his emails, expecting to see her name - maybe she needed help with a case? But that never happened either. This time was different from the times before, this time her silence felt colder and more deliberate. As if she had directly chosen it.

He had thought about getting in touch on his own initiative many times, to be sure that she was thinking of him too. The certainty that what had happened between them had not only been important for him. That it could be the start of something new and exciting if they allowed it.

He thought about getting in touch so often, his fingers already hovering over the keys of his keyboard or his phone, but what should he have said? 'Hey, I broke up with my girlfriend, now what?'

He hated himself for withdrawing like that again, but the part that had always held him back was still loud and present in his head. Maybe she had already made her decision. 'This is not meant to be', her words. So she saw no point in them. And admittedly, from the outside it was difficult to see the point in them.

Although he was no longer her boss, there was still a certain age difference. Even if he had barely noticed it, or perhaps he simply didn’t mind, it was still a fact. They had been at different points in their lives - Neil had been ready to settle down and start a family years ago, while Claire was still struggling to accept love, at least as far as he could tell. He was at the peak of his career, hers was just getting started. Not to mention that she was miles away now and he had been in a relationship until recently.

Yes, it was anything but easy, maybe they weren't meant to be together. They were complicated and messed up - the way they'd met, him as her boss, should have been decisive enough. It wasn't meant to be. So why did it feel like nothing else made sense? Why did their bodies feel so drawn to each other that they felt like it was gravity forcing them to be together? Why did he have a soft spot for her from the start? It had been different with her from the start and even if they'd fought against it, it seemed like they had no choice but to be brought together. From the moment he'd found her crying in the hospital stairwell and she'd, for whatever reason, allowed him to be close, let down her walls and let herself go, it had been inevitable - that their paths would always bring them together. That whatever they were was special and as inexplicable as it may have been, they had found each other. Whatever that meant in their complicated world, they had found each other.

 

It hurt him all the more that they were on the way to losing each other, probably forever. Was it his pride? His insecurity? He couldn't say. But it hurt him that Claire had left without looking back. This time it really felt like she was running away. Did she just not want to talk to him anymore or was she just as lost as he was?

 

Neil adjusted the pen in his hand, making quick marks on the chart in front of him. His eyes flickered briefly to the clock on the wall 3:17 a.m.

The night felt endless, like the dark stretched on without end. Normally, the night shifts in the emergency room were not for him; it was mostly quiet, most of the doctors were on call and therefore not there. Lately, he had been enjoying these shifts especially. He had the opportunity to go through the documents that he hadn't had the concentration for during the day or to generally not have to do so much with his colleagues. Lately, he mostly avoided them because Shaun in particular was talking about Claire more and more. Neil had gotten into the habit of leaving the room as discreetly as possible whenever the conversation turned in that direction. It was painful to hear stories about her, but not from her. The conversation with Park a few weeks ago was still buzzing around in his head. He had come to the conclusion that it was good that Claire didn't want to give up her therapy, even if she seemed to be doing well from the outside. She had a difficult past and the changes in her life had been increasing more than they were recently. Still, a small part of him hoped that maybe she would get in touch with him again at some point and talk to him.

 

He shifted in his seat, leaning back for a moment, his gaze drawn to the door that separated the ER from the hallway. He could hear footsteps outside, distant, but his mind was elsewhere.

He felt it again, that strange weight in his chest, like something unresolved, a thread dangling with no end. No contact. No word. He had thought, maybe foolishly, that things might have changed when she came back. That maybe they could talk. Maybe there was more to what he had felt when she had been there. But now, that distance ... it was like a wall, one he wasn’t sure how to climb.

Neil exhaled slowly, pushing the thought back down. He needed to focus. He couldn't afford to drift. Not now, not with the night dragging on, every second demanding his full attention. He looked down at his watch, then back to the chart. His pen moved in quick, practiced strokes, a futile attempt to drown out the noise in his head.

 

The door opened, and the footsteps outside turned into a silhouette in the doorway. Audrey stepped inside, her eyes briefly meeting his before she gave him a quick glance.

"What are you doing here?" asked Neil, leaning back in his chair.

 

"Do you keep an eye on the interns?" she asked, and Neil just shrugged.

 

"As far as I know, Allen is sorting things out in the storeroom, the others are off duty." Audrey leaned against the nurses' station and frowned.

 

"Yes, but I mean in general. Does anyone seem sloppier than the others?" Neil thought about it for a moment, tapping his pen on the table.

 

"Hm, not really, but you'd be better off asking Park or Murphy. Not my area of ​​responsibility." He said with a shrug, but when he saw Audrey's worried look, he leaned forward. "Why? Did something happen?" She gave him a quick glance before crossing her arms and shaking her head.

 

"I've been told from time to time that the medical records are incomplete or even filled out incorrectly. That's really bad." Neil frowned.

 

"Isn't it easy to find out who did it? It has to be the person who helped treat the patient." Audrey laughed a humorless laugh before rubbing the bridge of her nose.

 

"That's it, there are several cases, different interns." She shook her head. "I'll get the technicians on it tomorrow morning" She looked at the clock. "Or rather, later today. Maybe there's a problem in the system." Neil bounced his leg up and down as he studied Audrey.

 

“So it’s just the digital files?” Audrey sighed and ran a hand through her hair, which fell messily over her shoulder.

 

“At least as far as I can tell. I’m going to get back to it and check the files in the archives.” She groaned in annoyance before studying him. She didn’t say anything at first, studying him carefully before giving him a quick smile.

 

“You holding up okay?” she asked, her voice quiet but carrying a weight that only someone who had worked alongside her for years could understand. He paused for a beat, his mind catching up with her question. She probably knew the answer before she asked. After their conversation on the day he broke up with nicole, they had hardly seen each other again, even though she had repeatedly offered to go out for drinks together or invited him to dinner with Josh. Not only did his current shift rarely allow for that, but he also didn't really feel like going to a bar anymore. Probably because he knew he wouldn't be leaving anytime soon if he did.

 

“Yeah. Just a long night.” She studied him for a moment, her expression unreadable.

 

“That's not what I meant” she said. He didn't answer, the silence stretching between them as he returned his gaze to the chart. Her presence was a small comfort, one he didn't realize he needed until now. Out of the corner of his eye he could see that she was still staring at him, but he didn't know what to say. All in all it was okay, he wasn't lying to his girlfriend anymore, or to himself. He was just waiting. Or was he? Maybe he just didn't know how to handle the situation yet.

"She'll be back," Audrey added, her voice softer now. Neil's eyes flicked to her, the briefest moment of surprise crossing his face. He didn't know how to respond. He didn't know how to explain the strange, nagging feeling that had settled inside him since Claire left, something that went beyond just missing her. But he wouldn’t say that, not here, not now. Instead, he nodded, the gesture stiff.

 

"Yeah, maybe," he said, his voice more distant than he intended. He didn’t wait for a reply before turning back to the paperwork in front of him, hoping the shift would end rather sooner than later. Audrey nodded before stretching, saying a grumbling goodbye and disappearing. Neil looked after her for a moment. He was grateful that she didn’t force him to talk about all of this. A part of him was still ashamed and he was glad that Audrey didn’t judge him. Maybe he would be able to talk to her at some point in the future. She would certainly understand him. In the last few weeks she had brought Nicole into the conversation every now and then, perhaps to find out whether he missed her after all, whether he could still imagine something with her. But at some point she had realized that he had closed that chapter and in the end she had left it at that.

 

The rest of the shift had been as insignificant as could be expected. So Neil was glad when he was replaced by the morning shift and could make his way home. The hospital was slowly coming to life and he was glad he didn’t have to deal with the chaos that came with it. After fetching his things from his office and making coffee for the others in the residents’ lounge, he set off.

His steps carried him toward the locker room before he even realized where he was going. It was early, the room nearly empty, most of the employees were either still coming or had already left, the hum of fluorescent lights filling the silence. There was something calming about the silence that enveloped this room in the early hours of the morning. He turned down the familiar row, slowing as he neared a locker that hadn’t been opened in weeks.

Claire’s locker.

It was still there, still locked, like she’d just be back tomorrow. But she wouldn’t be. Not tomorrow, not next week. Maybe not ever. A soft sigh left his lips.

His hand hovered near the metal door but didn’t touch it. He wasn’t sure what he expected, that it would be warm beneath his fingers, that it would offer some kind of answer. Instead, all he felt was the ache in his chest, dull and persistent. A weight that never fully went away.

She didn’t even know. That he had chosen her. That he had let go of someone else for her. And now, with no way to tell her, it almost felt like none of it mattered at all. For a while he had convinced himself that he could wait until Shaun’s wedding – she had already said she would be there. He could wait for her to come back. Anything would be better than a phone call, wouldn’t it? But then, the wedding was still over half a year away and he knew only too well how much could change in that time. Maybe she would be the one to come back with someone new, since she was already done with him. Maybe she wouldn't come back at all. Maybe she never would again.

 

His throat tightened, and he clenched his jaw, willing the feeling away. The locker room smelled of antiseptic and old coffee, but for a second, he thought he could catch the faintest trace of her perfume. He could still picture her leaning against the metal door, arms crossed, eyes sharp with whatever point she was about to make. Or the way she’d bite back a smile when she thought he wasn’t looking. It was probably just in his head.

Exhaling sharply, he dragged a hand down his face and stepped back. The moment passed, the walls went back up. He turned and left the locker room without another glance.

 

****

 

The next night was also not particularly unusual. He was on call, so he didn't have to be there, but everything in him was reluctant to return to his apartment. Now he was sitting in front of his work computer, elbows on the table, hands folded under his nose, staring at his screen. The night was already giving way to day, the first warm rays of sunlight flooded the otherwise dark room. The shift was almost over, the sounds of the waking city came through the open window.

 

All night he had been able to think of nothing else - how stupid he felt for letting Claire go. How she had stood in front of him in that office and said goodbye and he had done nothing about it. Even weeks later - nothing. Every time his fingers had already dialed her number, he hesitated. "I don't want this." She had said. "This is not meant to be." She had given him her answer, right? Claire didn't want this, she didn't want him. She didn't want to give this between them a chance. She had left too. But you don't contact her either and you don't want anything other than her. He sighed heavily.

He opened his emails and looked for her contact details. It's not that hard. I mean, it can't be that hard, right? You know what you want. And she can't reject you, at least not directly. It's just an email. He nodded to confirm his thoughts before staring at the keyboard. It felt strange to write her an email, yes, they had done that a lot in the last few months, but it was just small talk. Pouring out his heart and then in written form? He hadn't done that for so long that he was sure he didn't know how to do it anymore. The last time was with his high school sweetheart, to whom he had slipped a love letter. He was romantic, that wasn't the problem. Simply writing down what Claire meant to him wouldn't be impossible, but with everything that had happened? He sighed before he began to write.

 

"Claire,

 

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch for so long.

 

I just wanted to check in and make sure you're doing okay. I know you're focused on the work down there, and I understand that, but I can't help wondering how you're really doing. If you need anything or even if you just need to talk - I'm here. I always will be.

 

I didn't expect what happened between us, and I don't think you did either. I've replayed it so many times, trying to figure out what went wrong, what might've been different if things had just been different.

A lot of things didn't go as planned that evening, but I hope you know that I didn't mean to push you away or hurt you.

 

I gave you the space you needed. I thought maybe, when the dust settled, you'd call, that we'd pick up where we left off. But now I don't know what to think. Maybe you’re over it all. Maybe you’ve moved on, and I’m just holding onto something that wasn’t even there. Or maybe ... maybe you're scared. Scared of what’s between us, scared of what it could mean. And I don't know if I can do anything about that. I just want you to know that the thing with Nicole is over, it's been over for a while.

 

I don't want to push you, Claire. I never have. But I can't shake this feeling that I'm left here with more questions than answers, and I don't know how to make sense of it all. Maybe I'm just hoping you'll come back and make sense of it for me, like you always used to.

 

Anyway, I just want you to know I'm thinking about you. I hope you're safe. And I hope, somehow, you’re okay.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Neil”

 

Neil gritted his teeth as he read the lines over and over again. It said everything he wanted to say at that moment, but it still wasn't enough. Or even far too much. Yes, far too much. Without thinking about it any further, he deleted the message and started over.

 

"Hey Claire.

 

I found that article we were talking about the other day and thought of you.

 

Maybe we could talk again sometime. I miss y-"

 

Oh man, there was no point in all this, Neil realized as he turned away from his screen, dissatisfied. As he stared into the morning sun, he wished for a moment that he could turn back time and undo everything. But when he realized that he had no idea where he could go back to, he dismissed the thought. It wouldn't get him anywhere. He needed to clear his head. He decided to go for a jog after his shift ended, maybe that would help.

 

****

 

It was warm, but not as unbearable as it had been a few weeks ago. It was early morning, the sun was pleasant on his skin, it was still so quiet that he went jogging without music in his ears.

The run had been meant to clear his mind. It was too easy to get stuck in his own head these days, thoughts looping back to places they shouldn’t. Guatemala. Unsent emails. The silence where there used to be something unspoken but understood.

It helped for a while, it always did. The only things he heard were his quick steps echoing along the remote forest path and his regular breathing. It was peaceful. For the first time in a long time he felt completely relaxed, even if only for a short time. Even if his thoughts were already starting to drift away again.

What it would be like if they were to walk here together, how her laughter would sound, so completely out of breath, how her eyes would shine in the morning sun. Just keep running.

The vibration in his pocket almost made him stumble and a quiet curse left his lips. He slowly came to a stop and pulled the phone out of his pocket.

 

>Do you want to do something today? Kellan taught me poker. You can come over and we'll have a boys' night while I rip you off. < Neil grinned.

 

>Can't. Sorry. Night shift. <  It took a moment before he answered and Neil sighed impatiently, feeling his blood pressure already dropping again.

 

>Damn.<  Neil was already putting his phone back in his pocket when it vibrated again.

>Please tell me you're at least free on the weekend.<  Neil sighed, he was glad he had found a distraction, he hadn't wanted to spend the weekend alone.

 

>Weekend is free.< A winking smiley from Alex made him grin.

 

>Awesome, I'll explain it to you later.<

Already sending off the reply, Neil barely had time to register the streak of grey fur before the weight of it hit his legs. A familiar wet nose pushed insistently against his hand, and then there were paws on his thighs, tail wagging furiously. He couldn't help but smile.

 

"Hey, Banjo," he muttered, instinctively crouching to ruffle his ears. The dog whined in excitement, nearly knocking him over in the process.

 

"I should've known you'd still be his favorite."

Neil looked up, to find Nicole standing a few feet away, arms crossed. There was no real bite in her tone, but it was stiff, distant. He couldn't blame her. He hadn't expected to see her again, at least not yet, at least not like that. Her face showed how uncomfortable she was with the situation and he was glad he wasn't the only one. He straightened.

 

“Guess I made an impression.” His voice was cautious and there was little of the self-confidence he usually exuded.

She let out a small huff that wasn’t quite a laugh.

 

“Yeah, well, you always were good at that.”

Silence settled between them, heavier than it should have been. Banjo, oblivious, flopped onto the grass at Neil’s feet, panting happily. Neil couldn’t help but smile a little. Nicole shifted, glancing at her dog before exhaling.

 

“So. You’re still running this route.” Only then did Neil notice how strange it was to see her here. It was quite far from her apartment and not one of her usual routes with Banjo. He had taken him here several times, but she had only been with him once, and that was at a long weekend. She often didn’t have the time, or rather the need, to walk long distances at once, and even from Neil’s apartment it was quite a long way, and from Nicole’s even more so.

 

“Yeah.” More silence.

 

Neil should have expected this would be awkward. First time running into an ex always was. The circumstances didn’t make it any easier. Normally he had no problem having a civilized conversation with his ex-girlfriends, after all he was pretty much forced to do so by his choice of woman, but this felt different. He would have liked to ask her how she was, but the insecure part of him had the feeling that he already knew the answer and didn’t want to hear it.

Nicole tugged at Banjos leash, but he stubbornly stayed put, head resting against Neil’s shin. She sighed, shaking her head.

“Traitor.” That almost made him smile.

 

“To be fair, I just know where he likes to be petted the most.” He said as he found and stroked that exact spot behind Banjo's ear.

 

“True,” she admitted. “Which explains why he used to follow you around the apartment like a shadow.” Neil lifted a brow.

 

“I thought that was just my natural charm.” Nicole snorted.

 

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.”

It was easy, for a second. The banter, the way they fell back into old rhythms. He could almost forget how this ended, almost pretend they were still those people who once made sense together.

Neil huffed, running a hand over the dog’s back.

 

“Pretty far from home, mate, huh? What’s wrong, are you finally ready to lose weight, fat guy?” he murmured. Nicole hesitated. Just for a second.

 

Then casually, offhand, she said, “We moved.”

Neil looked up.

 

"Oh?"

 

“Yeah.” She shrugged. “Needed a garden. For him.” A break. “Even though you’re not there to move in anymore.”

The words hung in the air, deceptively light. But Neil felt the shift instantly.

Because they’d talked about moving in together once. About finding a place just big enough for the three of them. It had been a real plan, until it wasn't. And now, it was hers.

 

“That … happened quickly.” Nicole grimaced slightly at these words before shrugging her shoulders.

 

"You don't say." Her voice was cold and there was a certain ambiguity in it. "I've had my eye on that apartment for a while. You know, the one with the light floor and the fireplace?" Neil nodded slightly when he caught her eye - of course he knew immediately which apartment she meant.

The evening when he had convinced her that she could visit him in his apartment first and then continue to look for apartments, she had shown him the advertisement for that apartment several times. She had been in love with it. In love with the idea that they could have moved in there together. Even when he had already turned away to sleep and had told her several times with a grin on his face that they could talk about it the next morning, she had painted him this picture in his head. She had shared her ideas about how they could decorate which room, how they could spend the evenings in their garden and have a barbecue or read together in front of the fireplace on rainy days.

She had talked about it for so long that he had fallen asleep thinking about it, dreaming about this life with her in this apartment. With the light floors and the fireplace.

 

She remembered it too, it was clearly visible on her face. No matter how hard she tried to hide it, the pain was there.

 

For a second, she just looked at him. Then, slowly, she exhaled. Her gaze flickered to Banjo, who was still pressed against Neil like nothing had changed at all. And when she looked back at him, the coldness had faded, just a little. Not quite forgiveness. But something like understanding. She sighed, gave Banjo's leash a small tug.

 

“Take care, Neil.” He nodded.

 

“You too.” She hesitated, just for a second, then turned and walked away. „You too, buddy.“ Banjo lingered for a moment longer before finally trotting after her. He watched them for a while, even after they had disappeared around the next corner.

For a while, it felt good to have talked to her, even if it hadn’t gotten them anywhere. He hadn’t apologized again, she hadn’t forgiven him, they hadn’t asked how they were, she hadn’t asked about Claire. And yet it gave him a warm feeling. A feeling like everything was going to be okay, like life would go on and that their paths had been destined to cross for a certain amount of time only to part again.

 

Neil exhaled, shaking out his shoulders before continuing his run.

 

****

 

The next and last night shift was much more turbulent than the whole week before. There had been a riot in the city, protests with injuries on both sides. Neil had spent most of his time in the operating room, one seriously injured patient after the next. He hadn't even noticed how quickly the time had passed until he ran into Park in the hallway. Park had been on the morning shift all week and even he had already been in the hospital for a few hours. Neil shook his head when he realized that he had already been on his feet for over eighteen hours without noticing. Maybe he was even glad that he had the next three days off.

 

When he went to get his things from the office, Morgan was just making coffee, while drinking her tea and Neil let himself be persuaded to take another cup and use the time to look over a case of Park's that had kept him busy all morning.

 

"So, the weekend is still on?" asked Alex, sipping his cup as he finally closed the file in front of him. Neil rubbed his eyes and shrugged.

 

"Sure. What are you planning to do?" Alex grinned as Morgan rolled his eyes.

 

"I have tickets for a game and a certain someone doesn't want to come with me." He said, nodding in her direction. Morgan said nothing, but completed her files and sipped her tea.

 

"I thought we could take Glassman with us. An exciting game, a few beers, good company - who would say no to that?" he asked sarcastically, which made Morgan kick him in the shin under the table. When Alex laughed, Neil grinned too.

 

"I mean, if it means I can save your young love, sure." Morgan gave him a cold look and Neil almost choked on his coffee, but just raised his hands defensively.

"But I don't think Aaron is coming. As far as I know, he's stressed at home right now." He added, shrugging his shoulders, and Alex pulled a face.

 

"Shit ... well, just the two of us then?" Neil leaned back in his chair.

 

"Yeah, but I can also ask Audrey. I'm sure she doesn't mind good company. And an exciting game." Alex watched Morgan out of the corner of his eye, but when she didn't move, he agreed.

 

"Deal."

 

**

 

Neil was gathering his things and was just pulling on his jacket when he heard her name in the residents lounge. It wasn’t the first time - it happened in passing, in updates about Guatemala, in conversations he was never part of. But this time, it was different.

„She told me she never really felt at home anywhere,” Morgan said, stirring her tea lazily. “Not until now.” Neil froze in mid-motion and glanced at Morgan to see if she was serious.

 

“She said that?” Park asked, leaning back in his chair. His eyes met Neil’s, but he tried not to show it. He could feel the color draining from his face and turned away as discreetly as possible, adjusting his jacket and rummaging in his pocket. Morgan nodded.

 

“Yeah. She didn’t even mean to say it. We were talking about moving around, living in different places. And then she just kind of … said it. Like she hadn’t even realized it herself.” The words shouldn't have hit as hard as they did. But they did. Because Claire had told him something different. "It doesn't feel like home." "I miss my friends. I miss this place."

He still remembered the way she had whispered it, the hesitation in her voice like admitting it made her weak. He remembered the way she had looked at him afterward, almost like she wanted him to see through her facade.

She had told him that. And now, what - she had changed her mind? Or worse, she just had lied? Was she really happy? He couldn't imagine that because he didn't see a way to be happy now that she was so far away. Now Guatemala was her home?

Park must have noticed his silence because his voice dropped, cautious.

 

“You okay, man?” Neil forced a breath, then a grin, shaking his head like it was nothing.

 

“Just tired.” He said, stretching, a humorless laugh leaving his lips. Morgan didn't seem convinced, but she didn't push.

 

“Right. Well, while you’re ‘tired,’ Claire’s out there thriving.” She stood, stretching. “Makes you wonder if she’ll ever come back.” Neil didn’t respond. He didn’t trust himself to. Morgan left the room as if she hadn’t just dropped a bombshell, as if she hadn’t just destroyed everything he had told himself over the last few weeks. Alex noticed, of course, that it hadn’t left him unmoved and sighed.

 

“I’m sure she didn’t say it like that.” He began cautiously. “You know Morgan, she likes to exaggerate.” He added with a shrug and Neil nodded slightly.

 

“Yeah, sure.” Alex watched him, nodding slightly as he accepted that Neil didn’t want to talk about it any further. Neil’s brow was furrowed, his pulse loud in his ears.

“I’ll see you at the game.” He murmured before leaving the room. He took a few steps, but his thoughts kept him from going any further. As if in a trance, he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

She could have told him. She did tell him. But now, he didn’t know if any of it was real. What had changed that she suddenly felt at home there? And even worse – had she really not had that feeling here? It didn’t make sense. She had been so honest with him, the emotions couldn’t have been faked, she had opened up to him, for the first time in a long time. She couldn’t have made this up.

His fingers hovered over his phone. One message. That’s all it would take.

 

>I heard about Guatemala. About what you said. Did you mean it?<

 

But no. If she wanted to talk to him, she would have. She hadn’t. It was obvious that she didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He had probably hurt her. She probably realized that it was just a mistake. Their almost kiss had probably had a completely different effect on her than on him and she had realized how wrong it was and how glad she was that they hadn’t done it. Maybe he had imagined all of it. Maybe he had been the one holding on to something that was never his.

With a quiet sigh, he put his phone in his pocket and headed for his car, his apartment, his daily routine, like it didn’t matter. Like she didn’t still matter.

Even though she did. More than anything.

 

****

 

The stadium buzzed with life, fans on their feet, cheering as the batter stepped up to the plate. The air smelled of beer, hot dogs, and popcorn, the late afternoon sun casting a golden hue over the field. Neil sipped from his plastic cup, the cheap beer reminding him of a simpler time. He was glad that Park had invited him, he had really needed it. Even if he admittedly didn't seem to be as hardcore a fan as Alex, who had bought baseball caps and foam fingers for all three of them.

After a bit of nagging, Neil had at least agreed to wear the cap 'because of the sun, which usually annoys him all the time'. To his surprise, Audrey had enthusiastically accepted the foam finger too, but he couldn't blame her. Audrey loved baseball and used to watch almost every game when she had the time. She had dragged him to the stadium for so long that at some point he couldn't help but like it too. Most of the time he just let himself be carried along by the euphoria of the others and cheered when the others cheered, but over the years he had also found his favorites and at least looked at the results when they had played. Audrey, on the other hand, had hardly any time for anything to do with it, so she was all the more excited when Neil had invited her. She had actually taken a day off for it, which was very uncharacteristic of her.

 

"Bottom of the sixth, bases loaded," Park muttered, eyes fixed on the pitcher. "If he screws this up, I swear.“

 

"Alright, Park," Audrey said, stretching her legs out in front of her. "What's your prediction? Do they blow it, or do we actually get a decent play?" Park scoffed.

 

"I have faith. Unlike some people."

 

"Faith in a team that hasn't won a championship since we were in med school?" Neil raised an eyebrow.

 

"Exactly," Park said. "That just means they're due." Audrey shook her head.

 

"I don't think that's how probability works."

Neil smirked but let it slide. It was rare they got a day like this - no pagers, no emergencies, just beer and friendly arguments about baseball. The last time they had all been together at the stadium had been four years ago for Glassman's birthday. Audrey had organized it, probably more for herself. It had been a completely different feeling then - Audrey had also invited the newcomers, as a 'team-building exercise.' Neil hadn't thought much of it, only knew the residents by name at the time, and even that not very well. He had sat with Aaron all day, analyzing the players' strategies and trying to block out the others as much as possible. By the end of the game, he had gotten a little more involved with them and had at least made a few jokes with them, but that was all he remembered.

 

"So," he said, glancing at Audrey. "How's Josh?" She took a sip of her drink before answering.

 

"Good. Work's been busy, but he's handling it. He's been talking about some big project his company's launching … honestly, half of it goes over my head." Park chuckled.

 

"You? Admitting you don't understand something? That's new."

 

"Shut up," Audrey said with a smirk. "All I know is, he's happy, which means I'm happy." Neil nodded.

 

"That's what matters." Park leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees.

 

"Speaking of life updates, Kellan and Morgan are gonna meet soon." Audrey tilted her head.

 

"But they've already met. We were at the karaoke night together." Neil grimaced slightly as he remembered the evening and pushed away all the images that came to mind. Alex shook his head.

 

"Yes, but Morgan and I weren't together back then. It's more like official now." Neil raised an eyebrow.

 

"Big step."

 

"You nervous?" Audrey asked. Park hesitated.

 

"Not nervous, exactly. Just ... Morgan is Morgan. And Kellan is Kellan."

 

"Wow," Neil said. "That cleared everything up." Park shot him a look.

 

"You know what I mean. Morgan doesn’t sugarcoat things, and Kellan can be difficult, depending on the mood of the day. I just want it to go well." Audrey smirked.

 

"Are you worried Morgan's going to scare him off?" Park huffed.

 

"Morgan? Maybe. Me, trying to overcompensate? Definitely." Neil clinked his beer against Park’s. A slight smile on his lips.

 

"For what it's worth, I think you'll be fine. Kellan's a smart kid. He'll see you're trying." Park nodded, a little of the tension easing from his shoulders.

 

"Yeah. Hope so."

A loud crack filled the stadium as the batter sent the ball flying into the outfield. The crowd roared, and all three of them jumped to their feet.

 

"There it is!" Park yelled. Audrey cheered, while Neil just shook his head, laughing.

The fans were still on their feet as the runner rounded second base. Park was grinning, arms crossed like he had personally coached the batter.

"See? Faith,” he said smugly. Audrey rolled her eyes.

 

“One good play doesn’t make up for an entire season of mediocrity.” Neil grinned.

 

“Says the woman who still watches medical dramas just to yell at them.”

 

“They deserve it,” Audrey said. “The last one I saw had a doctor cracking open a chest in the middle of a crowded ER with what looked like kitchen scissors.” Park snorted.

 

“Sounds like something Morgan would just try to prove a point.”

 

“Oh, absolutely,” Audrey agreed. “And then she’d say something like, ‘Relax, I know what I’m doing!’” Neil chuckled, shaking his head. Since Morgan was able to operate again, her typical self-confidence had returned and she was often the subject of jokes at her expense. It was never meant seriously, Morgan was brilliant, they all knew that by now, which is why it bounced off her just as much as it had before.

 

“Speaking of work, how’s the hospital holding up without us?” Neil asked cautiously. He had spent yesterday in bed after his eighteen hour shift and that was about everything he remembered.

Audrey took another sip of her beer, leaning back in her seat.

 

“Honestly, I’m just impressed we haven’t gotten a single text about some emergency.”

 

“Lim, don’t jinx it,” Park warned. “I do not need to be called in halfway through my beer.”

Neil grinned and shook his head. Alex was on call and he had warned the whole way to the stadium that he would freak out if he got paged. Audrey just said that this meant he shouldn’t do anything important on call days, but Alex had shrugged it off and continued to complain.

Neil’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and Park’s eyes widened. “Don’t you dare look at it,” he said. Neil held up his hands.

 

“Relax. Could be anything.” He pulled it out, glanced at the screen, and grinned. Neil remained silent for a moment before clearing his throat.

“Spam email.” Park exhaled dramatically.

 

“Good. Now put it away before you ruin the vibe.” Neil shook his head but did as Park said, tucking the phone back into his pocket.

Just then, the stadium speakers blared, and the crowd erupted again as the runner slid into home. Park jumped up, nearly spilling his beer.

 

“Yes! That’s what I’m talking about!” Audrey raised an eyebrow.

 

“You do realize you have no actual stake in this game, right?” Park grinned. “It’s called enthusiasm, Lim. Try it sometime.”

 

It took a while for the stadium to calm down, the Renner celebrated longer than necessary and the fans did not hold back. Neil used the time to look at his phone again and delete the spam emails. From his side, he heard Park continuing to discuss why the Renner was so successful in this game.

Neil smirked but then noticed Audrey’s expression shift slightly. She was still watching the game, but her fingers drummed lightly against her beer cup - a tell.

 

“What?” he asked. Audrey glanced at him, then sighed.

 

“It's nothing. Just … I was back in my office yesterday, and the medical file issue is still a problem.” Neil straightened slightly.

 

“Still? I thought IT was handling it.”

 

“They were,” she said. “But I went back to check, and there are still files missing important information. Some patient histories just … aren’t there. Like they never existed.” Park's easy going expression faded.

 

“That’s not just an IT problem. That’s a liability.”

 

“Exactly.” Audrey ran a hand through her hair. “I’ve been tracking it, and so far, it’s mostly older records. Nothing catastrophic - yet. But if we don’t figure it out, it’s only a matter of time before it affects patient care.” Neil frowned, considering.

 

“Could it be a transfer issue? Maybe something got lost when they upgraded the system?”

 

“That’s what I thought,” Audrey said. “But IT swears everything transferred correctly. And the weirdest part? It's not every patient. It’s random.” Park exhaled.

 

“Great. So we don’t even know how bad it is.”

A cheer erupted around them as the opposing team struck out, but the three of them barely reacted, their focus now elsewhere. Neil leaned back, tapping his fingers against his knee.

 

“Alright. First thing Monday, we go through patient records manually. If IT can’t figure it out, we will.” Audrey nodded.

 

“Yeah. I already flagged a few cases that don’t add up. Maybe if we find a pattern, we’ll know what we’re dealing with.” Park sighed.

 

“And here I was hoping for a relaxing week.” Neil grinned and put an arm on his shoulder.

 

“Welcome to leadership.”

They sat in silence for a moment, the weight of the issue settling over them. Then, as if on cue, the stadium camera panned to their section, and suddenly, their faces were on the jumbotron. Audrey blinked.

 

“Oh, no.” Park grinned.

 

“Oh, yes.” Without hesitation, he grabbed Neil's shoulder, shaking him playfully, while Audrey covered her face, laughing. The crowd cheered, and just like that, the mood lifted again.

Neil chuckled, shaking his head as the camera moved on.

 

“Alright. Fine. We'll deal with the files. But not today.” Audrey raised her beer.

 

“Agreed.” Park clinked his cup against hers, then Neil's.

 

“To the game.” Neil grinned.

 

“To ignoring our problems for one more day.”

Neil just sat back, enjoying the moment. The weight of the hospital, of everything else, would still be there tomorrow. But right now, surrounded by friends, with beer in hand and the game in full swing - this felt like enough.

 

**

 

The game had slowed into a lull, the batter stepping in and out of the box as if he had all the time in the world. Audrey let out a dramatic sigh, stretching her arms over her head.

“You know,” she said idly, “some people would call this the perfect time to go get food.” Park turned to her with a frown.

 

“Didn’t you just eat?” She waved a hand.

 

“That was a hot dog. Maybe I want something sweet now.” Neil smirked.

 

“A snack for your snack?” Audrey pointed at him, a smile spreading over her face.

 

“Exactly.” Park scoffed.

 

“You sound like -” He stopped himself, then smirked. “Actually, never mind.” He glanced at Neil out of the corner of his eye before starting to wave his foam finger. Neil’s eyes flicked toward him, just for a second.

 

“Like who?” Audrey’s lips twitched.

 

“Oh, you know. A certain someone who was very particular about their stadium food choices.” Neil huffed a quiet laugh.

 

“Right. The same someone who once said baseball only existed to ‘sell overpriced nachos and give people an excuse to drink beer at noon’?” Park chuckled.

 

“That does sound familiar.” Audrey grinned.

 

“She had a point, though. You’re literally proving it right now.” Neil shook his head, the smile still lingering.

 

“Claire always did know how to get the last word.”

The name settled between them for a beat, but instead of shifting the mood, it only fueled the conversation. Park smirked.

 

“You know who else has strong anti-baseball opinions? Morgan. You should have seen the look in her eyes when I asked if she wanted to be here today. She hates it.” Audrey laughed.

 

“Oh, that’s right! What did she call it again?” Park groaned.

 

“A ‘capitalist fever dream of wasted potential.’” Neil let out a genuine laugh.

 

“That’s a lot of words just to say she’s bored.”

 

“Exactly!” Park threw his hands up Audrey shook her head, amused.

 

“Morgan and Claire would’ve made a great team. Imagine them sitting here right now.” Neil smirked.

 

“We wouldn’t stand a chance.” Park shuddered.

 

“We’d never hear the end of it.”

The silence fell again and Neil couldn’t help but smile. He could still remember how annoyed Claire had been when they had to watch the game together. At first she had seen absolutely no point in it, but as the day went on she got carried away by the others and cheered just as much when their team scored a point.

She had always teased him when she noticed him checking the results of the last game at work. 'A little fun wouldn't hurt you either, Dr Browne,' he had said and he could have sworn that she had blushed at the words.

One evening when they had been in the bar together and a game was being broadcast, he had taken the time to explain all the rules and procedures to her and, to her credit, she had seemed interested and asked questions for most of the time.

 

"Have you spoken to her yet?" Park asked, half whispering, as he leaned towards him, his hand hidden in his popcorn. Neil shook his head slightly.

 

"Spoken? To who?" Audrey leaned towards him now as well and he folded his arms in front of his chest.

 

"Nobody." Neil muttered casually, looking straight ahead. He didn't miss the exchange of glances between the other two and gritted his teeth.

 

"What, Claire?" Audrey raised her eyebrow. "You still haven't spoken? Why not?" Neil groaned in annoyance. So much for a relaxed afternoon without dealing with his own problems.

 

"It's a bit tense between us. I'll get in touch with her soon." He answered with a shrug, only half truthfully. He felt the tension spreading through his body and tried to concentrate on the game, but Audrey didn't let up.

 

"Why tense if you haven't talked to her? Did something happen between you?" Neil stretched his legs out.

 

"Tzz." He grumbled with a half-hearted smile. Audrey studied him for a moment before sucking in a sharp breath.

 

"Oh my God. Did you sleep with her?" Neil grimaced.

 

"What? No, I didn't." He shook his head and leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees to bring the focus back to the game.

 

"But he wishes he had." Alex added, catching a sharp sideways glance from Neil. Audrey let the words sink in for a moment, her gaze moving back and forth between the two of them.

 

"What, you knew?" she asked Park, who shrugged. She slapped Neil lightly on the shoulder. "You told him but not me? Ouch." Neil sighed heavily and slumped back into his seat before rubbing a hand over his face.

 

"I didn't tell him anything. We met and he guessed." He said reassuringly and waved his hand. Alex raised his eyebrow.

 

"What? I just mentioned her name and you poured your heart out to me." Neil gritted his teeth before giving Alex a warning look. It was true that he had asked for Park's advice, but he hadn't had to go into too much detail for him to understand. He didn't even know what exactly had happened between them. Not directly.

 

"No offense, but shut up, Park." He sighed before turning to Audrey, who had furrowed her eyebrows. "He's a guy, it's just different. It just came up in conversation." Audrey studied him for a moment.

 

"Ouch again." She said, feigning hurt, and slumped down in her seat with her arms crossed. Neil knew that she probably didn't really hold it against him; she had been particularly busy recently and there hadn't been many opportunities for deep conversations. Even if she might take it the wrong way in the moment, he knew she would understand in the long run.

"I just don't understand why you don't talk to her, you're usually one with a quick tongue.“ Neil sighed again and wrinkled his nose.

 

"She told me that she didn’t want this. She ran away, that's what she did. What am I supposed to say?" Audrey, a little perplexed by Neil's caustic tone, opened her mouth to say something when Park shook his head.

"What?" Neil asked and Alex shrugged, but his face was serious.

 

"Whatever happened or was said, but don't blame her for running away. Because you're doing the exact same thing right now." Neil pressed his lips tightly together, his jaw tensed. His grip on his mug tightened, he felt desperation rising within him.

 

"It's not easy for me either. The situation sucks, okay?" he grumbled. "First everyone tells me that I have to stay away from her. Then, when I think that I can actually take a step towards her without crossing professional boundaries, she tells me that she wants to leave." He sighed heavily and shook his head. "And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, because first of all I'm her mentor and I can't stop her, much less can I tell her how I feel because that would be ... intrusive. And then she’d think that I'm trying to take advantage of her." Neil ran his hand over his face, not noticing Audrey's sympathetic look.

 

"Now, honestly. Do you really think she would think that?" Neil gave her a quick look. At first, he had always been afraid that she might be thinking he would try to use his position of power to, well, get her to sleep with him. It wasn't the first time that this had happened to her, not even the first time in this hospital. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel pressured by him.

"Yes, you were her mentor, but you were also her friend. I think Claire knows the difference." Neil sighed and nodded slightly.

 

"You're probably right." Alex shrugged.

 

"Besides, it would only be intrusive if she didn't want it." Neil and Audrey gave him a skeptical look at the same time and he raised his hands defensively. "I'm just saying, it was pretty obvious that she had feelings for you." Neil snorted.

 

"Yeah, exactly. But then she comes back and I pressured her anyway." He shook his head at the memory. "She pushes me away and now, weeks later, she tells Morgan that she belongs in Guatemala. What am I supposed to think, or even say?" There was silence for a brief moment and Neil was sure that the conversation was over. He sipped his beer, which had now warmed up in the sun, and grimaced in disgust.

 

"Have you ever told her directly that you want to be with her?" Audrey asked cautiously. Her face was motionless, but there was sympathy in her voice. Neil frowned.

 

"Well ... not directly." When he noticed Audrey's shocked expression, he raised his hands defensively. "I didn't want to push her any further. I was still with Nicole and somehow it didn't feel right when I wasn't even out of the relationship yet and -" Audrey leaned forward and raised her hand.

 

"Wow, wow, wow. Wait a minute. You haven't spoken to Claire since things with Nicole ended?" Neil grimaced but didn't answer. "Then what do you expect? You don't tell her you want to be with her, or that you broke up with your girlfriend? How do you think that looks to her?" Neil's stomach churned. He had wanted to tell Claire that he wanted his future with her, not Nicole. There were many things he wanted to say to her, but he felt like he was pushing her away more with every word.

 

"It probably looks like you're not particularly serious about her." Alex added, but his voice was warm, not accusatory. Audrey leaned in so close that their knees touched and looked deep into his eyes.

 

"Look, Claire is someone who doesn't make emotional decisions lightly, at least not when so much is at stake. If she's pulled away, it might not be because she doesn't want you, but because she thought she couldn't have you." Alex nodded.

 

"Yes, because you were taken. And Claire has a history with taken men." Neil knew what he meant, but he still gave him a warning look to remind him to be careful about how he spoke about Claire. Alex gave him a gentle smile and patted him on the shoulder.

"I think you've waited long enough. If she doesn't get in touch, then you'll just have to do it." Audrey nodded and pulled Neil's baseball cap further down over his face.

 

"Right, stop whining and shoot your shot."

 

****

 

They were right and Neil knew it too. Claire hadn't contacted him and although he had thought it was because she didn't want a future with him, he had to admit that he hadn't been as open with her as he needed to be either. She probably hadn't even known that he was serious about her. Audrey had a point - he hadn't told Claire directly that he wanted to be with her, nor that he had ended things with Nicole. Maybe Claire had even suspected that he wanted to start an affair with her. Even though the thought pained him, the idea that she might think he was capable of such a thing was not unlikely. At least not based on how he had behaved over the last few months. He had to get that clear, once and for all. He decided to call her as soon as he had the opportunity.

Unfortunately, that probably wouldn't be the case anytime soon. The problem with the files still hadn't been resolved, and as Neil had promised, he was helping Audrey get to the bottom of it every free minute he had.

 

"Murphy, wait a minute!" Shaun turned around and folded his hands before looking questioningly at Neil. "Where is Cooper Blade's file?" Shaun shrugged dismissively.

 

"I don't know." Neil shoved his hands in his pockets.

 

"But Park sent me to you. He says you were the last person to have the medical file in his hands." Shaun shrugged.

 

"Cooper Blade isn't my patient, so it doesn't make sense for me to have the file." Neil sighed heavily. Cooper was in the hospital for his follow-up visit, and even though everything looked fine, the digital files were faulty, so he had to take a look at the documents. It was strange that this file had such errors as well.

The previous evening, Neil had gone through many files until the middle of the night and was pretty sure he had found a pattern - they all had the same attending Doctor. Dr. Glassman. And even if he didn't know what that meant at the time, he was at least happy to have found a clue. Cooper stood out, of course, since Neil himself had been the last person working on that case, not Aaron.

 

"Okay. Can you think of where I could find the file?" Neil asked, visibly annoyed by now.

 

"No." Shaun answered simply and turned to leave. Neil sighed.

 

"Thanks for the help, Murphy." He murmured. "Really ... very helpful." He sighed and wondered who else might have come into contact with the file when he saw Dr. Perez waiting for the elevator.

"Perez, wait a minute." He turned around and folded his arms.

 

"Dr. Melendez. What's up?"

 

"Cooper Blade. The medical file. Where can I find it?" Perez, who was clearly overwhelmed by the question, let his gaze wander down the hall and took a deep breath.

 

"Uhh. Cooper Blade. Was that the one with lung cancer?" Neil frowned before shaking his head.

 

"No, it wasn't." Perez shrugged.

 

"Uh, yeah, I don't know. But I actually only work with my tablet, so" Neil sighed and Perez raised his hands defensively. "But if you're looking for a file - talk to Nurse Solis. She's usually on top of things." Neil raised his eyebrows before exhaling heavily.

 

"Okay, thanks for the tip."

 

It took him a while to locate the nurse in question, but as he approached the nurses' station on the 3rd floor, he could already see her black curls from afar. He tried not to let the frustration of the search show - he was uncomfortable making Cooper wait so long, but he couldn't let him go without checking his vitals against those from last time. He leaned over the nurses' station and smiled.

"Nurse Solis. I was looking for you." She turned in her chair, but her expression didn't change as she looked at him. Strange. She was one of his favorite nurses, she always had a cheeky saying on her smiling lips and her cheerfulness always made him feel like she would be happy to see him. But not this time. She just nodded slightly in his direction before staring back at the documents in front of her. Neil raised his eyebrow.

"Uh, I got a tip that you might be able to help me with a missing medical record." She didn't look up, a quiet, indefinable sound came from her direction.

 

"Which ones are you looking for?" Neil looked at her for a moment before clearing his throat.

 

"Cooper Blade, the boy with-"

 

"With PKTN, I know," she said simply and turned in her chair to go through a few files that she had spread out on the table. After a few seconds she turned back to him and handed him the documents. Surprised, Neil held out his hand to her.

 

"Oh, thank you." She smiled slightly. "Why do you have all these files?" She shrugged and looked away again.

 

"I was assigned to check for discrepancies." Neil nodded cautiously and watched her for a moment. When she said nothing else, he leafed through the file to look at the values. Another strange noise came from Nurse Solis' direction and Neil discreetly raised his gaze. She had now turned completely away from him, her posture stiff. Neil hesitated for a moment before clearing his throat.

 

"Is everything alright?" She didn't look up, but simply waved her hand.

 

"It's fine, thanks." Her voice was thin and Neil got a bad feeling in his stomach. He looked at her, but she said nothing and he considered whether to press her any further.

 

"You seem a little out of it today. If you need anything ..." She said nothing again and Neil decided to leave it at that. He slammed the file shut and was about to leave when she turned to him. Her eyes were glassy, ​​her lips pressed together in a thin line.

 

"I'm sorry, Dr. Melendez." Neil felt his stomach turn at the sight of her and held out his hand slightly.

 

"Hey, it’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?" She leaned back in her chair, resting her head on the back of it, closing her eyes for a moment. She sighed heavily.

 

"It's just one of those days, you know?" Neil nodded, but said nothing else. She opened her eyes and when she met his gaze he saw the pain reflected in them.

"It's nothing. It's just ..." Neil gave her a warm smile to encourage her to continue, but he noticed how difficult it was for her. "Back in the earthquake." She paused briefly and Neil frowned. The earthquake had been so long ago that he almost didn't remember it. Sure, it had been a traumatic experience, the small, light pink scar on his abdomen was a leftover of it, but so much had happened since then that he rarely thought about it. "I lost my girlfriend." She shook her head and Neil could see that she was trying to hold back the tears.

 

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that." He said gently and almost ashamed. Everything had revolved around him at the time, all of his colleagues had been so worried about him that it hadn't occurred to him that someone else in the hospital could be affected. As if she could read his thoughts, she raised her eyes and smiled gently.

 

"It's okay. You were affected yourself." Neil nodded carefully, but he couldn't find the right words. A strange feeling of guilt spread through him that he couldn't explain. She sighed again. "Today is her birthday. Or at least it would've been. The first in twenty years that we won't celebrate together."

Neil wished he could have said something, but he had never had the gift of comforting anyone with his words. He wished Claire were here.

 

"That must be very hard for you. Why don't you go home? You really don't have to work today." Nurse Solis shook her head.

 

"I'd rather be at work right now." She said with a humorless laugh and Neil nodded understandingly. He thought about what Claire would say to her, trying to remember how she had spoken to patients who had just lost someone.

 

"How did you meet your girlfriend?" he asked cautiously and she gave him a gentle smile, but tears had already formed in her eyes.

 

"We went to school together. I've known her my whole life." Her eyes sparkled and a slight smile revealed her dimples. "We were best friends. And then ... we eventually admitted that maybe we were something more." Neil gave her a warm smile and nodded, encouraging her to continue. "We've been together since we were both nineteen. It was almost too good to be true." She raised her eyes and when they met his, there was nothing but love in them. "She was a hopeless romantic and had actually wanted to get married when she was twenty." She laughed lightly and Neil grinned.

 

"It seems like she loved you very much.“ He stated and she nodded, but her smile disappeared and was replaced by a deep frown between her eyebrows.

 

"But I didn't see the point in that. First I wanted to travel the world and then the job opportunity came along ... we were both so incredibly young, I said we had our whole lives together." She shook her head. "For the last ten years I've kept putting her off with excuses. She said she didn't have a problem with it, but I could see how much she wanted it." She ran her hand through her hair. "It's not that I didn't want to marry her, but why rush into it?" She laughed bitterly and put her hand in her trouser pocket. Neil felt the oppressive feeling in his chest, the words penetrating him as if they were small, sharp daggers.

 

When she pulled her hand out of her pocket, she had a small box in it. Turning it between her hands, she focused on the small box. Neil knew exactly what it was, he had owned one like it before and given it away. He felt his throat tighten as she opened it and took out the diamond ring. With a bitter smile, she held it out to Neil.

"And then I bought the ring. Planned the proposal down to the last detail, because I thought that if I made her wait a decade to propose, then it had to be perfect." She shook her head as she slid the ring onto her finger and looked at it. She said nothing for a few seconds, caught up in her memories. "Three days before I …  the earthquake. And well. She just didn't come home anymore."

 

"Anita ... I'm so sorry about that." Was all he could say. She smiled slightly as she stroked the diamond. A tear rolled down her cheek.

 

"And now I've been carrying this stupid thing around with me for almost a year." She laughed bitterly. "I guess a small part of me still believes she'll come back at some point." Anita wiped her hand over her face, tears smearing her makeup, and for a moment she stared at her now black fingers. "And just in case, I want to have the ring she deserved ten years ago." She sighed heavily, slid the ring off her finger and put it back in the box before raising her hands.

 

"Ah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Like I said, it's one of those days." She waved him off and gave him a slight smile. Neil sighed before rubbing the bridge of his nose.

 

"Look, I'm not going to tell you what to do and I'm not going to force you to go home." He smiled slightly. "But I would suggest you find something nice to do today. I don't know, do something you would have done with your girlfriend today." He watched her face twist. "I didn't know her, but I don't think she would want you to spend her birthday like this." Neil smiled slightly as the corners of her mouth began to lift slightly.

 

"Yes, that's true. Maybe I'll go to the beach, she loved that." She said with a slight sigh and Neil nodded.

 

"Okay, I'll sort it out with Lim and you can go." She gave him a warm, sincere smile before she stood up.

 

"Thank you, Dr. Melendez." As she slipped on her cardigan, she watched him for a moment. "Life is short." She finally said, more to herself than to him, and he nodded. "We always think we have all the time in the world, until we don't." Neil gritted his teeth, drumming his fingers on the wooden table in front of him. She was right.

Even as she waved goodbye, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked for the familiar number.

 

>We need to talk. Call me this afternoon.<

 

****

 

Neil paced restlessly through his apartment. It was already dark, the only light was that emitted by his laptop. No, he would not change his mind, but it was a big step and admittedly he felt uncomfortable about it. After work, he had taken the call he had been waiting for and discussed everything that was necessary. Now it was just up to him.

 

His friends were right, it was time to face his feelings. Even if a small part of him was afraid of being rejected, he still knew that it had to be done. Things between him and Claire had become complicated, so incredibly confusing and yet everything was actually clear. He now knew how he felt about her and he was actually sure that she returned his feelings. All that stood between them was his pride, his ego and perhaps his fear of rejection. He shook his head. He had no right to have taken her for granted for so long. Or to have taken his life for granted. Anita Solis had made that clear to him, he had been lucky. Whatever the reason, he was the one who had been given the second chance at a fulfilled and happy life. Whatever the reason, his story had not ended in a hospital bed that evening of the earthquake. All he knew was that it was not a given that he could still live. That he could still love, that he could still feel pain.

 

Things could have turned out very differently. If he had not had that lucky angel by his side that evening, the lucky angel who he was pretty sure had beautiful green eyes, then his life would have ended there and then. His story could have ended in the middle of a sentence, a story cut short and unfinished. He would never have had the chance to tell Claire how he felt about her. He would never have had the chance to hold her, to feel the warmth of her body, her lips pressed against his. He would never have had the chance to build a life with her, to find out what was between them. He would never have had the opportunity to not only tell her every day but also show her what she meant to him. That he loved her.

But now he still had the opportunity to do so.

 

He sighed and went back to his laptop and stared at the same page he had been staring at for the last few minutes.

What had he been thinking?

To act as if he were immortal, as if time and the transience of life had no influence on him. As if he had the luxury of simply waiting to see what happened. As if life wasn't fragile, as if it couldn't be over at any moment.

 

It had been easy to convince Dr. Chase of his plan. He himself would also have a lot to gain from it, could finally become clear about what he really wanted. And Audrey had also been much easier to convince than he had thought. Of course, at first she hadn't been thrilled about having to replace Neil and Chase for a week, and at such short notice. But when Neil said he was going to take his shot, she had put everything in place.

Now it was up to him. He exhaled heavily. It was time and there was no turning back.

 

Without thinking about it any further, he confirmed his booking. Two flights to Guatemala. Departure, already tomorrow.

 

He nodded in agreement and prayed that Claire would not send him away.

 

Notes:

We finally get what we deserve! Neil is trying to get his girl!
I hope you are as excited as I am :D

Chapter 12: What happens in Guatemala

Notes:

Important Note for this chapter:

Because of the storyline, in the next few chapters, a few characters will have to speak Spanish more and more often. Since I can't expect everyone here to speak Spanish, I've thought of something. :D

Whenever a character says something in Spanish, it will be written in italics.

So, for example, if I want to say 'hello, my name is Neil.' then it won't look like this:
Hola, mi nombre es Neil.

But like this
hello, my name is neil

and we will just imagine it being spanish :D I hope this will work for you as well :)

 

---

 

The air in Guatemala was thick with heat, heavier than he was used to, clinging to his skin as he stepped out of the car. It had been a long trip and he was glad to have finally arrived, not least because his thoughts were driving him crazy.

When he had packed his suitcase, not knowing what to pack - what if she didn't want to see him and sent him away straight away? Then he certainly wouldn't stay there for a week, but would run away as quickly as possible - he had been unable to think of anything other than the moment when she would be standing in front of him again. In a place that was completely foreign to him, with nothing between them except the unspoken tension and feelings. Would she be happy to see him? What would she say? Would she perhaps even ask herself what had taken him so long to follow her?

The flight wasn't any better, even though Chase offered him a welcome distraction - in a way, he reminded him of Shaun, the way he listed the most important facts about Guatemala, even those that had absolutely no relevance to their stay. Of course, Chase was grateful that Neil was with him, he couldn't have known that Neil was here for a completely different reason. Neil didn't know how he had come up with the idea of ​​taking Chase with him - maybe it was the teacher in him, maybe it just gave him the excuse he needed to protect himself from the truth; he had boarded a plane to win his girl back. Or well ... to win her over in general. Whether the trip was crowned with success or not, Neil at least knew that he would have left no stone unturned. Even if it was risky, the most romantic gesture he had ever made, and for Claire, a woman who had no idea what romance even was, or didn’t care to know.

 

After they landed, his feelings had changed and the paralyzing fear of rejection had turned into a warm feeling of anticipation. It hadn't been that long since he had seen her, but after their evening together, which had almost ended in a kiss, it felt like a century. While the stubborn part of him had just waited for a response from her, the genuine part of him had missed her. More than he could have imagined. All he did was pray that this visit would change everything.

 

Audrey had helped him organize the trip as best she could. A man from the village with whom she had worked with the last time had picked them up from the small airport and driven them the last hour and a half to the village. Of course, they had committed themselves to helping out in any way they could for the week, not least to get an overview of the situation. In return, they had been promised a small accommodation in the village, about which they had already been told on the phone not to expect too much. Neil didn't really care about the circumstances of the trip. His thoughts were all about Claire and what she would say to him.

 

She hadn't known he was coming. He had thought for a long time about whether he would tell her and, above all, how. And he should have done that - especially because he himself knew exactly how it felt when she hadn't. But the fear had been too great, the fear that she might think he was crazy, that the whole thing might seem absolutely absurd to her. And if he had been honest with himself, he simply didn't want to tell her. Selfishly, he wanted to have that night between the decision and departure for himself. For himself and his thoughts, which had brought him to a place where the clarifying conversation was already behind them. Where he could be with her without having to worry about saying something wrong or what others might think. In his little bubble full of hope, he had imagined what it would be like when they could finally just be themselves. Not resident and attending, not Dr. Browne and Dr. Melendez, just Claire and Neil. Together.

 

But now, standing in front of the place Claire had chosen over everything, including him, he felt the weight of it. The uncertainty, the what-ifs, the reality that she might not want to see him at all. It twisted in his chest, something uneasy and aching, but underneath it, there was hope too. A foolish, stubborn hope that he hadn't let go of, no matter how much he told himself he should.

 

“Hey, Dr. Melendez? Dr. Chase?” A tall man approached them with his hand raised, a smile on his lips.

 

"Hey, you must be Dr. Osma?" Neil greeted him as he held out his hand. He took it with a broad grin and shook his head.

 

"Just call me Mateo. Audrey has only said good things about you." Dr. Chase pulled the travel bags out of the car and said goodbye to the driver in broken Spanish. At that moment, Neil was annoyed that he had not used the long journey to teach him a little of the language. If Chase decided to stay here, that could be a problem.

 

"Okay, Mateo. Thanks. I'm Neil. This is Phillip." He patted Dr. Chase on the shoulder. "Thanks for the nice welcome." Mateo grinned slightly before waving him off.

 

"Friends of Audrey are my friends too." His eyes lit up for a moment and Neil tilted his head slightly. The way of how he had said it made him a little suspicious. He hadn't realized that he and Audrey had been so close when she was here, at least she had never mentioned him.

"We didn't expect to have you back so soon. Claire coming back was such a great gift. What did we do to deserve this honor?" Neil's chest tightened for a moment. Claire would have been an asset to anyone. Mateo certainly wouldn't hold it against him if he knew that Neil wanted to win her back. He cleared his throat.

 

"Uh, yes. We just wanted to help a little. Claire said there's always a lot to do here." He said half-truthfully. He didn't have to come right out and say it. Neil pointed at Chase. "I also have someone here who is very interested in supporting your team here." Mateo looked over at him, a cheeky grin playing around his lips.

 

"Is that so?" Chase, typically embarrassed, nodded slightly and soon found himself in a conversation with Mateo about the areas in which he could be most needed. Neil only listened half-heartedly and let his gaze wander. Behind Mateo stretched a small village, not much to see. He hadn't even seen the clinic yet and that's where he assumed Claire would be at this time of day. He sighed impatiently.

 

"So, Mateo? Where exactly are we going to find our accommodation?" Mateo nodded.

 

"Oh yes, right. Follow me, I'll show you. It's not too far from here." Contrary to Neil's expectations, Mateo didn't lead them into the village, but in exactly the opposite direction.

"As I said, it's nothing special. Unfortunately, we don't have many accommodations for visitors." He said apologetically as they turned into a small alley. Neil let his gaze wander, everything looked as he had imagined, in a way. And yet everything was so different. The heat was unbearable and he wondered how anyone could stand it in the long run. Of course he knew that it was just a matter of habit, but when he felt his shirt stick to his body, he grimaced. Dr. Chase asked a lot of questions about the accommodation and the people who lived nearby and when Neil could no longer stand the non-stop talking, he cleared his throat.

 

"So Mateo, how long have you been doing this?" Mateo kept up his brisk pace as he turned to him and grinned.

 

"Oh, quite a while. You lose track of time here." He answered and turned away again. Neil raised an eyebrow at this meaningless answer.

 

"How did you come to start this project?" Chase asked and Neil noticed Mateo's hesitation before answering.

 

"You eventually realize when you're doing something good and then you stick with it." There was no denying that his behavior was a little strange. Neil immediately noticed that he wasn't being completely open with them, but didn't press him to talk any further. He didn't owe them anything. Even though he found it a little strange that he was reacting so dismissively, he happily accepted the silence that fell over the three of them.

They walked for about two more minutes until they reached the accommodation and Neil immediately realized why they had been warned so often. Not that he was complaining - the wooden walls and the tin roof were more than they had at their disposal back in Africa and he was just glad that he didn't have to share a tent with Chase, as he had with Audrey back then.

"The minibar and the hot tub are on the back terrace." Mateo joked as he opened the door.

 

Neil entered after Chase and they both glanced at each other. The room was small, far too small for two people, with no windows. The air was stuffy and dry. The two cots were too close to each other and Neil grimaced. Not that he had anything against Chase in principle, but he wasn't exactly his first choice if he had to share a bed with someone.

 

Admittedly, it had been far too long since he had shared a bed with anyone, besides Nicole, but Neil was not quite that desperate yet. The last time he had shared a bed with a strange woman had been shortly after his split with Audrey, when, for whatever reason, he had agreed to meet a woman who had spoken to him while he was out for a run. Normally he would not have agreed to the date, not because the woman was not his type, but because he was far too preoccupied with himself at the time. In retrospect, he blamed his heartbreak for agreeing to it and everything that had followed that evening. It had been his first and last one-night stand, and he had not needed to experience it to realise that it was not for him.

Yes, the sex had been good, even if very impersonal. It was less passionate than he was used to, it had gone straight to the point, without foreplay, without many words. And even if he had never said no to this kind of sex in his relationships, or as the woman whose name he had already forgotten had called it, 'fucking', it was still something different. Quick, direct sex - Neil didn't know any man who would complain about it, but the romantic in him couldn't find much to like about it. Sex was more to him than just in and out. And even when it got rough, and that wasn't untypical for him, it was something he wanted to share with his partner and not with a stranger.

He had been almost shocked when she had offered him a blowjob - of course he would never normally say no to that either, but it seemed completely out of place to share such an intimate moment with a stranger. Maybe he was just old-fashioned. Because even though one of his favorite things about sex was satisfying the woman and he had missed it alot at that point, he couldn't bring himself to get closer to her in that way and that was probably why he remembered this sexual experience as unpleasant. Maybe it was also because of what came after.

 

They had spent the night at her place and once she had fallen asleep, Neil had spent the whole time weighing up whether he should go or stay - he hadn't felt comfortable anyway. Even though he was a cuddler, she had made it clear that she had no interest in that sort of thing and so he had spent the night lying on his back staring at the ceiling, regretting that he had agreed to it. Would she want him to go or would she be offended if she woke up the next morning and he wasn't there? Maybe they should have talked about it. In the end - he was old-fashioned, he had decided to stay, got up early and made coffee. Turns out she would have preferred it if he had gone. At least that's what he assumed when she started yelling at him and throwing him out.

 

"Left or right?" Chase asked, pulling him out of his thoughts. Neil frowned, not quite sure what he meant.

"Which bed, left or right?" Neil sighed and shrugged before throwing his travel bag onto one of the beds. Mateo laughed and put his arm on his shoulder for a moment.

 

"Exactly, make yourselves comfortable. I'd say you get settled in first and then we'll really get started tomorrow." Chase lay down on the free bed and Neil grimaced again when he realized how close the beds were to each other. Sleeping next to a man for a week to win over his girl? Probably a deal that couldn't be refused.

 

"Okay, well then. I or one of my colleagues will pick you up tomorrow morning and then we'll show you around a bit." Mateo said as he was already standing in the doorway again.

 

"Oh, wait a minute." Neil began and took a step towards him. "I think I'll take a look around for myself. Where exactly is the clinic?" Mateo put his hands on his hips and grinned, shaking his head.

 

"You're all the same. Unstoppable." He laughed. "The clinic is north of here. You walk about ten minutes, straight ahead. Trust me, you can't miss it." Neil nodded and gave him a quick pat on the shoulder before closing the door behind him.

 

"I'll see what the shower is like." He muttered and opened his bag to look for a decent change of clothes. Of course, he didn't just want to look around, he wanted to look for Claire, and he definitely couldn't do that in his completely sweaty clothes. She had seen him like that many times, especially when they had been jogging together on summer days, but his self-respect wouldn't allow him to face her like that when he was trying to win her heart. To his relief, there was a small bathroom with a built-in shower - if you could call it that - it was more like a garden hose taped to the wall, but it would do.

After he had showered and freshened up, he felt much better and more presentable.

"I'm going to have a look around. I'll see you later." He called to Chase, who then got up from his bed and put his hands on his hips.

 

"Are you looking for Dr. Browne?" Neil winced for a moment as if he had been caught red-handed before he got his features under control again.

 

"Uh, no, I wanted to discuss something about the program again." He said and from his expression he could see that Chase wasn't buying it. He hesitated briefly before shrugging. "You heard it - the tour is tomorrow morning. We can look for Dr. Browne together later." Thankfully, his voice didn't give him away and Chase seemed satisfied as he agreed and went back to unpacking his bag. Neil sighed in relief and closed the door behind him before heading out.

 

The last thing he needed was someone hanging on his coattails, questioning everything he said or did. Claire deserved his full attention.

 

Neil stuck to the vague directions Mateo had given him and followed the path through the nearby village. Always straight ahead, how hard could it be to find? The surroundings were monotonous, but Neil felt a warm feeling spreading in his stomach when he saw the three small children playing with a yo-yo in the side alley, their giggles echoing through the streets. The houses, even if obviously only provisionally built, seemed safe and secure and Neil smiled when he saw the old woman hanging her wet clothes on a clothesline next to her house. It seemed almost peaceful here, everyone seemed somehow content, even if they didn't have much. Neil admired that every time he went on a trip like this - how different other people's lives could be and what had so much more meaning for others than for him. This small village reminded him of his childhood and suddenly he didn't feel so strange anymore, it was as if he was taking a look into his past and seeing how far he had come.

Strange how life turned out sometimes.

 

As he walked down the dusty road, stirring up the dry ground beneath his feet, he wondered how he had ended up here. In a remote, needy village, far from his home town, on his way to win a woman back. Neil grinned and shook his head as he realized how absurd it all was - that all of his life's choices had brought him here.

The way his heart was beating far too fast made him question again whether it had been the right decision to come here. Yes, it had been a stupid idea, but experience had shown that stupid ideas were the ones that had taken him the furthest in his life. And even if those ideas hadn't paid off in some cases, at least they had always been a good story to tell. In the best case scenario, this would be one of those stories he would tell his children in ten or fifteen years, about the adventure of how he had met their mother, almost lost her, and then fought for her. Worst case scenario, it would be one of those stories that Neil would bitterly repeat over and over in a bar for the next few months until he eventually learned to laugh about it. Of course, he hoped for the former.

 

It was the right thing, he realized that again when he saw the slightly larger building stretching out in front of him. That had to be the clinic. Neil felt the tension in his body, stopped for a moment and stared. That was the moment. There was no turning back now. Somewhere behind these walls was Claire, right now. Maybe she was trying to save a life, maybe she was thinking about an operation she had performed with him, maybe ... she was missing him right now. Maybe she was imagining at that very moment what it would be like if he came to her, or what it would be like if she came back. Maybe she was looking for the right words to talk to him right now. Or maybe she was just relieved to be here in this place and far away from Neil right now. Neil gritted his teeth. There was only one way to find out.

 

****

 

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find Dr. Browne?" he asked the first person he saw who was wearing something resembling a hospital uniform. An older woman with long gray hair. She seemed to think for a moment as she smiled and pointed past him.

 

"Yes, I think she's sitting outside right now, you must have walked right past her." She giggled and Neil's heart skipped a beat. He hadn't been able to see much of the clinic yet, even though it was only a relatively small building, his eyes had only scanned the entire area for Claire, was it really possible that he had missed her?

 

"Okay, thanks. I'll try my luck." The older lady nodded and waved to him before she turned around and disappeared. Neil took a deep breath, his hands sweaty, his heart pounding in his throat. Goddamn it. The last time he had been this nervous was before he proposed, and even then it had been a different feeling. Back then he had been one hundred percent sure that Jessica would say yes, so all he felt was excitement, anticipation. The feelings he felt now were a complete mess. Nervousness because he knew it was a stupid idea and that the whole thing could end terribly badly, excitement because it was finally happening, mixed with naive hope. The desire to finally see her because he missed her so much, and at the same time the fear of what it would be like when she finally stood in front of him.

 

He walked to the only door he had passed that led outside and had not been the entrance and paused, trying to prepare himself for every possible scenario that might present itself in the next few seconds. Maybe she would throw her arms around him in joy. Maybe she would be horrified that he was here and would leave him standing there again. Maybe she wouldn't be alone, maybe she would make fun of him for making auch a big deal of the things between them. Maybe she would simply ask him what had taken him so long. Whatever it was, he would find out now.

 

Neil opened the door, the heat from outside hit him like a slap in the face, like a burning cloak that lay directly on his skin as soon as he took a step outside. The sun blinded him, so he covered his eyes with his hand and let his gaze wander. A few isolated tables, some improvised benches and chairs were set up under the roof so that they were at least a little in the shade. Neil took a step into the shade and breathed a sigh of relief, it was still burning hot, but bearable. A few people were leaning against a pillar, smoking and seemed to be discussing a patient, a man quickly shoved the last spoonfuls of his soup into his mouth while staring at his watch. Yes, clearly a clinic.

Neil let his gaze wander to the right and froze when he finally saw her. Her back was turned to him, but it was unmistakably Claire. Claire, with her curls, which Neil could have sworn were much longer than the last time he had seen her, flowing loosely down her back.

Claire, in faded scrubs and dusty sneakers, skin kissed deeper by the sun, leaning over the table in an unnatural pose that made Neil immediately wonder how her back couldn't hurt. She rubbed the back of her neck and he grinned. Well ...

She seemed to be hunched over some documents, a coffee cup in her free hand.

 

His heart clenched - too tight, too sudden. Relief hit first, swift and overwhelming, washing over him in a way he hadn't anticipated. That was her, just like always. As if she had been cut out of St. Bonaventure and simply pasted back in here. Warmth spread through him as he involuntarily took a step toward her.

Then came the nerves, the fear that this moment might end as quickly as it began. That she might turn away. That he had come all this way only to be met with indifference. He hesitated. Part of him wished she would just turn around and pull him out of his trance. But she didn't.

The moment stopped, just for a breath, as she turned her head slightly, just long enough for something sharp and unfamiliar to settle in his chest. The curve of her profile, the way she tilted her head slightly while she was reading, it was all the same, and yet, something in him felt entirely different.

His stomach tightend. His fingers twitched before he forced them still, slipping his hands into his pockets like it might steady something inside him. It didn't.

He inhaled, but the air felt thin. His pulse was in his throat, a steady, unwanted reminder that this was not just another moment, it was the moment that counted the most.

Neil took one last heavy breath - in through his nose, out through his mouth. He swallowed down all the nervousness, all the concerns, all the fears and worries. His feet felt heavier than they should've, like the ground was resisting him. His steps were steady, but not quite natural, like he had to think about them, about walking, about closing the distance, about keeping his posture controlled when everything underneath was slightly off-kilter. It was ridiculous, really - he had walked towards her a thousand times before. But this time, something was different. A muscle jumped into his jaw. He smoothed a hand down the front of his shirt, like something was out of place. He didn't even realize he was doing it at first.

 

The space between them shrank, and his heart kicked up again, not a sprint, just a quiet, persistent knock against his ribs. His throat was dry, and he swallowed once, then again, as if it would‘ve helped. Then another time. He was close now. Close enough that she could’ve notice him any second.

Turn around. Don’t turn around. Don’t turn around. Turn around. Turn around. Turn around.

 

If he had stopped again, he was sure he wouldn’t have been able to go any further, so he moved past her and plopped down into the empty chair across from her.

 

She looked up from her papers for a brief second before lowering her gaze again. The corners of Neil’s mouth twitched and curved into a gentle smile. It had only taken a moment for her to realize who was sitting across from her. Maybe she thought she had simply imagined it. Her eyes cautiously lifted themselves from the files, as if she wasn't quite sure what to expect if she actually looked up. But then their eyes met and Neil let the air out of his lungs, which he had been holding for far too long. For a moment, nothing else existed. No distance, no silence, no missed calls that were never made. Just this. Just her. The tension that had completely taken over his body until a few seconds ago had disappeared. All he felt was relief.

 

It was strange how much you could perceive of a person in a short moment. Her eyes, of course her eyes, which held him captive like always. The small mole, right above her slightly parted lips, the subtle freckles that were much more present than he was used to because of the sun. God, he had missed her so much.

 

"Hey," Neil finally said and was pleasantly surprised by how much self-confidence had resonated in his tone. As if it had been a given that he was sitting in front of her and talking to her. As if everything was as it used to be, as if he had met her in the cafeteria during his lunch break and wanted to go through the next case with her. He didn't show how much effort it had taken him to get here.

He lost himself in her eyes, in the look he had so hoped for. He saw the flicker of disbelief, the hesitation, like she thought she might be imagining him. Her eyes a little wider than normal, her mouth still open, the pen clutched tightly in her hand. Then, slowly, her face changed. The tension eased, and something else took its place.

Happiness.

She wasn’t hiding it, not this time. He could see it in the way her shoulders relaxed, in the way her fingers curled slightly at her sides, like she had to stop herself from reaching out. His breath caught in his throat as he looked at her, so completely relieved to see him, and he couldn’t help but wonder if she had actually been waiting for him.

 

“What … what are you doing here?” she asked finally, her voice slightly shaky, charged with emotion. Encouraged by the smile that spread across her lips, he shrugged.

 

"Well, it was my turn to visit, so ..." he said, barely suppressing a smile. He remembered the moment when he had promised her that he would come here to see what they had built. At the time, he hadn't meant it so seriously, of course he had imagined it, especially when he had realized that she would be leaving so soon. But that he would actually visit her, and so soon after she left, was something he certainly hadn't expected at that moment.

Claire shook her head carefully, as if she was trying to realize what was happening. She was still staring at him, and he wished he could capture the moment forever. He knew it wouldn't be that easy, and that the joy on her face would soon disappear, but at that moment he couldn't have imagined anything more beautiful.

 

"That doesn't make any sense." She said with a gentle laugh, and Neil sighed as he leaned back against the chair. He couldn't come right out and say it, but the words were already on the tip of his tongue, ready to finally be spoken.

 

"Well, that's not the only reason." He said, feeling the smirk crawling back into his face as he saw the light flicker in her eyes. As if she were full of anticipation of what he was going to say. She said nothing, a small frown formed on her forehead as if she was considering whether or not to ask. Neil cleared his throat, deciding that now was not the right moment.

"As you've already noticed, you've got Dr. Chase wrapped around your little finger so much that he had no choice but to follow you here." Claire raised her eyebrow, not quite sure whether he was serious or not. Neil grinned. "You hadn't even left before he told me that he really wanted to help here too, well, that's why he had grilled us all about your decision." Claire leaned forward a little towards him and it was as if this small movement took all the air he could breathe.

 

"Wait, are you serious?" Neil shrugged.

 

"I'm not kidding, he's here too." She tilted her head slightly, dropped the pen from her hand and narrowed her eyes.

 

"He's ... here because of me?" Neil barely managed to suppress a smile, then stifled it with another clearing of the throat.

 

"I mean, what other reason would there be?" he asked softly, the meaning in his words charging the air between them with electricity. Claire's cheeks flushed slightly before she leaned back again.

 

"Haha." This time Neil allowed the slight smile to creep onto his lips, then shrugged.

 

"I thought he should see the whole thing in person before making a decision. And I went with him." She held his gaze for a moment before reaching for her cup and sipping it. It caused a moment of silence between them, it wasn't uncomfortable, but it was overwhelming.

It was as if Neil had to bite his tongue to keep from blurting out everything he wanted to say. It was strange, for ages he had found these words so difficult that he hadn't even allowed himself to think about them, and now that he had realized what he wanted, he couldn't say them fast enough. Her joy when she had seen him had inspired him and strengthened his hope that this visit was actually more than just that.

 

"So, what's the plan?" asked Claire, putting the cup down again. Neil shrugged.

 

"We wanted to look around a bit first. Maybe -" The words got stuck in his throat when he noticed the door he had come out of opening again and Dr. Chase appeared as if on cue. He let his gaze wander and when it landed on them, he smiled, nodded and moved in their direction. Damn. He had specifically told him that he wanted to look around on his own first, in the hope that he could have some time alone with Claire.

 

"Dr. Chase. Already finished unpacking?" Neil asked with clenched teeth as Chase grabbed a chair and sat down at the table.

 

"Yes, I also wanted to look around a bit and see what this place has to offer." He said before his gaze fell on Claire. "Hello, Dr. Browne." Claire smiled slightly and something was reflected in her eyes that Neil couldn't quite interpret. As if she realized at that moment that Chase was actually there and that was the reason for Neil's presence.

 

"Hello, Dr. Chase." He leaned back in his chair, one arm casually over the backrest. Neil raised an eyebrow.

 

"Call me Phillip - we'll be seeing each other more often now." He offered and Claire nodded.

 

"Okay, Phillip, then call me Claire." Chase grinned before letting his gaze wander over her.

 

"You look good, Claire. The sun is really doing you good."

Neil watched the conversation without being able to say anything. Chase was acting really strange, Neil had never seen him so open and confident. And what he had said to her ... was Neil just imagining it or was he seriously trying to flirt with her? It was true, Claire looked good, but even Neil hadn't told her that yet.

Claire also seemed a little intimidated, as she started to giggle nervously, something she always did when she couldn't handle compliments. Normally Neil found that incredibly cute, but at that moment, it bothered him.

 

"Thanks. Well, the sun will do you good too. You're pretty pale. Have you just arrived?" she asked and Neil was glad that she herself had steered the conversation in a different direction.

 

"We landed today in the morning, yes. Then a driver brought us here, we haven't really seen anything yet," Neil began, to get back to the actual topic, but Dr. Chase leaned forward and watched Claire even more closely.

 

"What are those cool shoes?" he asked and Neil's gaze followed his outstretched finger. He frowned, they were ... shoes. Completely normal shoes.

 

"We all have shoes like that here. The shape of the sole is supposed to protect the foot and the material repels dust. People here swear by them, well." She turned her shoes a little and tapped them together to loosen the dust that had collected on them. "I'm not so convinced yet." Neil leaned back and watched Chase for a moment until he drummed his fingers on the table.

 

"So, what are you doing today? I was hoping you'd show" He glanced at Chase. "Show us around." Claire smiled slightly before looking at her watch.

 

"I'd finish this and then check on my patient and in ... I'd say an hour I'd be ready." Neil smiled as he felt the warmth spreading through him. Although he had imagined the circumstances a little differently, he still couldn't wait to get a tour from her. It would certainly be strange to see her here in her element, but he finally wanted to understand where the light in her eyes came from whenever she talked about this place.

 

"Sounds-"

 

"Sounds good." Chase interrupted him and Neil bit his tongue before saying something he would regret. Just like he regretted taking him with him in the first place. It was only because of his insecurity and the hope that he would give him a reason for his trip that didn't make it seem like a completely idiotic declaration of love. That had been the reason he brought him along in the first place. And now he was just putting obstacles in his way.

 

"Okay, I'd say I'll just change quickly and then pick you up. Where exactly are you staying?"

Neil gave her a quick description and grinned when she pulled a face when he told her about the bungalow they would be staying in for the week. They said goodbye and Neil sat for a moment longer. He took the time to realize once again that this was really happening. He had packed his things and flown to Guatemala. For her. And she had been happy to see him. Maybe it would actually be okay.

When she realized that he wasn't getting up, she looked at him. Stared at him. Soft at first. Like she used to so many times before. The way she had always looked at him when he had shared his past or his worries with her. When he had opened up to her or when she had felt understood by him. As if she had been surprised that there was actually someone in the world who didn't judge her, who didn't think she was weak, even when she was close to breaking. She had looked at him with so much warmth and even if she had never said it, he had been able to see how much he had meant to her. And just like that she looked at him again, for a very brief moment.

But then something changed in her expression, as if she became aware of the situation between them and where it had ended between them. It wasn't painful or cold, just distant. As if she was protecting herself from being too happy about him being here. And that was okay, for now.

 

Neil gave her a small smile before he stood up.

 

"See you soon."

 

****

 

Neil and Phillip walked side by side, but the mood between them was different than before. Neil wondered if he had misjudged the situation, maybe he was just overreacting because he was so nervous and so desperate for this day to be a success. Maybe he was jealous too ... he sighed. He hated that feeling of jealousy because it was so foreign to him.

Neil had never been a particularly jealous person, even as a teenager. Maybe it was his ego that made him feel like he would get what he deserved. And when he did, there was nothing that could take it away from him. Of course, that was a naive thought and over the years Neil had learned that it wasn't the case. But he realized that things that were meant to be would be eventually and things that weren't meant to be wouldn't be either. Sure, when his prom queen left him for someone else, he had felt some kind of jealousy. But that was different, as if he simply didn't understand why she had chosen John, the athlete, when he was actually a choice too. It had been obvious to him who had been the better choice and even if it had been painful, he didn't see it as his loss, but as hers.

With Jessica there was never any reason to be jealous, she had met him and fallen for his charm and apart from the family problems, everything was going as it should with her. She only had eyes for him and vice versa, they were one unit - until they weren't anymore. And yes, that was painful too, almost as painful as when he found out that she had quit her job at Bonaventure for a job in Seattle. When he met her again six months later at a joint conference in Vegas, she already had a new boyfriend. Even though Neil was still mourning the end of the relationship at that point, he wasn't jealous. Because she didn't want children and had chosen a man who didn't want any either. He certainly didn't quite understand how she could have a new partner so quickly and he couldn't. He didn't blame her. He was just lonely.

Audrey had always played with an open hand and never made them more than they were. That left no room for jealousy.

But with Claire … he hadn't wanted to admit to himself that he was jealous when he saw her with Dash, so full of joy and affection. Neil had felt the pang in his heart every time she spoke of him, but had brushed it off. It wasn't meant to be. Maybe that was the reason for the jealousy. Because he didn't even have the chance to be an option for her, she would never see him like that, only as a boss and yes, as a friend. But while Dash had just reappeared in her life one day and could easily ask her out, he had just had to accept it, accept that things couldn't go any further with her than this. And of course she deserved to be happy and if Dash had been the one to make her happy, then he would certainly have been able to come to terms with it. But a small part of him still wished he could have had the privilege of being the person in her life who made her laugh, who made her feel like she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Because if he was honest - she was.

The feeling of jealousy he felt now was different, but he hated it just as much, maybe even more. It no longer felt so impossible that things could become more between them, it even felt like it had to be that way. All the more he wanted to get rid of anything and anyone that could get in their way now.

 

"So, what are you saying so far?" Neil asked as they turned back into the small alley that led them to their bungalow. Chase looked at him out of the corner of his eye and shoved his hands in his pockets before shrugging.

 

"Haven't been able to see much yet. I'm looking forward to the tour with Claire. I think it will be enlightening." Neil gritted his teeth and tried to decide whether or not to bring it up. He didn't want to seem like the lovesick, jealous idiot he was. "I think it's a good idea to get to know Claire a little better. We might be co-workers soon." Neil had a hard time refraining from rolling his eyes, but instead he put his arm around Chase's shoulder in a friendly way.

 

"Claire is easy to work with," he replied. "She could work well with any idiot," he added before he could stop himself, dismissing it with a small smirk. Chase didn't answer, but gave him an ambiguous look.

Just as he seemed to be about to answer, a small ball rolled into their path, causing them to stop. A little girl ran after it and Neil grinned.

 

"Dr. Melendez!" she called as she stopped in front of him and waved at him euphorically.

 

"Rosi, it's good to see you." The little girl smiled and Neil noticed how much better she looked than the last time he had seen her. Her cheeks were rosy and her grin was wider, although she appeared to have lost a tooth, Neil noted with a grin. "You're going pretty fast, didn't we tell you to take it easy?" he asked with a warm undertone.

 

"I'm careful." The little girl giggled as she hid her arms behind her back and looked at him with big brown eyes.

 

"I'm sure you are. I'm glad you're doing so well." He said with a smile and she nodded happily.

 

"Claire said that if I feel better next week, I can play flutter ball again!" she called happily and Neil raised his eyebrow, surprised but amused.

 

"That ... sounds great." Rosita nodded happily before tilting her head.

 

"Wait, why are you here? You live on the other side of the world!" Neil gave her a big smile before crouching down to look her in the eyes.

 

"Well, it's not that far away." She narrowed her eyes as if she didn't believe him. "Maybe I'm here to watch you play flutter ball." He added, reaching out to ruffle her hair. Her eyes widened and her small hand darted to her mouth in shock.

 

"Oh! Really? But ... I couldn't practice anymore. I needed to rest! Maybe I can talk to Claire and ask her if I now can play again!" She was so excited that she started to stutter and Neil grinned before raising a warning finger.

 

"Hey, but don't forget what we talked about! The most important thing is health!" Rosi pouted and stuck out her lower lip before nodding grumpily.

 

"Yes, you're right ..." Neil lowered his finger again and leaned forward a little to whisper.

 

"But if you want, we can play together next week and you can show me how it's done. I've never played it before and -" She raised her hands excitedly.

 

"Yes, you'll probably be really bad! And I can teach you! Then we can play together all day!" Neil grinned and nodded before holding out his hand for a high-five. Rosi immediately reached for his hand and giggled.

 

"Okay, then that's the plan. So you take good care of yourself and next week you'll teach me! But brace yourself, I'm really a slow learner." He said dramatically and received another laugh from Rosi before she ran back to her friends, giggling. Neil watched her for a moment before standing up again. Chase gave him a slight smile.

 

"You're really good with children." Neil shrugged, still grinning slightly, and waved at Rosi and the others again when he realized she was whispering to them and pointing at him.

 

"The kids here have it hard enough. So if it makes them happy if I embarrass myself at a game that I have no idea what it is about, then I'm happy to do it."

 

When they arrived at their accommodation, they fell into their old pattern, Chase asked Neil about his opinion on various specialist articles and Neil tried to answer his questions as thoroughly as possible.

 

He collapsed onto his bed and let out a heavy breath as his eyes fell on his unpacked travel bag. He should probably start unpacking, like Chase already did, but something inside him rebelled. As if he would provoke fate if he unpacked. His plan had been to leave again if Claire sent him away. And in that sense, he had already made a promise to Rosi that obliged him to stay there for the week, but he didn't want to push his luck.

So he left his things where they were safe and engaged in conversation with Chase while trying to suppress the nervousness that was once again creeping up on him.

 

****

 

Neil and Chase stood in front of the bungalow, the sun blazing hot, and Neil raised his hand protectively to his eyes as they stared at the small path to their cottage, as if that would summon Claire.

She was already late, and Neil feared that an emergency had come up or that she had changed her mind. The last thing he wanted was to be left alone with Chase and have to admit that she had stood him up. If he hadn't been cooked in the sun first. He kept thinking about whether he should slip into one of the tank tops he had brought with him, but they were actually only intended for his private time. It seemed inappropriate to go on the clinic tour in casual clothes, especially since he didn't think it would change how incredibly hot he was.

Especially not when he saw Claire.

 

She came around the corner with quick steps and briefly raised her hand to draw attention to herself. She had also changed clothes and was now wearing a loose green T-shirt and, Neil was surprised to see, short denim shorts. It took all the strength he had not to stare at her and, in the worst case, start drooling. He could probably count how many times he had seen Claire's legs presented like that on one hand. In fact, he couldn't remember ever having seen them like that before and he was pretty sure he would remember if he had. In San Josè, it got unbearably hot, especially in the summer, but Claire had always worn skirts or pants that went at least above her knees, at least in his presence.

When she was almost standing in front of them, he wasn't sure whether this sight was a gift or a punishment for him. In these moments when he was busy trying not to stare at her like a horny teenager, it definitely felt like the latter.

"Hey, sorry it took so long. Something came up," she said in greeting as she stopped in front of them. All Neil could manage was a heavy nod and a more or less authentic smile. At that moment he was even grateful that Chase was there - he couldn't imagine how he would have been able to control himself if he had been alone with her now. Claire wasn't a particularly tall woman, she was even shorter than him - not that he had a problem with his height - where did those endlessly long legs come from?

 

"Hey, we've been waiting for you." Chase began and Claire nodded happily before raising her hand and making an inviting gesture in the direction she had come from.

 

"After you."

 

**

 

The late afternoon sun cast long shadows over the dirt paths as Claire led them through the village. The air was thick with the scent of wood smoke and simmering food, mixing with the faint metallic tang of the river in the distance. Neil smiled at how comfortable he immediately felt here, whether it was because of Claire or his past, which was very similar to this place, he couldn't say. It was fascinating how lively and peaceful this place seemed when you pushed aside all the misery that could spread here at any time. It was so different to San José, less hectic, people busy with their daily lives and yet still connected in a certain way. Neil understood immediately why one could feel comfortable here.

Homes, painted in bright yellows and blues, stood close together, some with clotheslines strung between them, shirts and sheets swaying in the breeze. Some of the houses were painted with chalk and Neil smiled as he thought of how he and his friends used to paint whole stories on houses and stone paths and then get shouted at by the neighbours so much that they didn't dare to leave the house for a few days. Nobody seemed to mind here.

 

Children ran barefoot, weaving around them with easy laughter, their calls in Spanish blending into the chatter of the village. An older man sat outside a small shop, carving something out of wood, his knife gliding smoothly along the grain. A woman balanced a basket of fruit on her hip, paused to exchange a few words with Claire before continuing on her way. Claire turned around and glanced at Neil out of the corner of her eye.

“Most of the patients we treat live within walking distance, but some travel for hours to get here. As you know, we have the clinic, but for more serious cases, we have to transfer them to a hospital in the city. I'll explain it to you when we get to the clinic.”

 

A group of women sitting outside a house called Claire's name, waving her over. She exchanged quick words in Spanish, her expression warm and familiar. Neil caught only a few phrases, something about someone named Kenai and something about some leftovers , but what struck him most was the way she fit here so effortlessly. He noticed how easily she seemed to be able to speak Spanish these days and pride spread through him. Sure, if you live in one place for a while you learn the language sooner or later, but she made it seem so elegant, the accent she had spoken with just a few months ago was completely gone. If he hadn't known better, Neil would think Claire had never lived anywhere else.

Chase was watching him, but Neil barely noticed, his gaze fixed on Claire.

 

"Everything okay?" Neil blinked.

 

"Yeah, why not?" Chase smirked.

 

"You sure? Because you look like a man who just realized he's not the center of the universe anymore." Neil almost flinched involuntarily when he heard his words. It was strange, if he had closed his eyes he could have sworn that Alex was standing next to him and bombarding him with his teasing remarks. It was an uncharacteristic reaction from Chase and Neil wondered whether he was perhaps less able to hide his feelings for Claire than he thought. But he didn't let it show and shrugged his shoulders.

 

"You're just jealous because you don't understand a word of what they say, but I do." He said with a grin and Chase returned it quickly.

 

Claire came back to them, let her gaze wander between them and raised her eyebrow slightly before continuing the tour.

 

Neil listened as Claire explained the basics - where people gathered for meals, how supplies were shared, the way news traveled faster than the internet ever could in a place like this. Her tone was even, professional, but something shifted when she spoke to the villagers. A warmth, a familiarity that softened her features, made her eyes light up. It was obvious how much the people here already meant to her, which wasn't particularly surprising. Claire was a human being with her heart in the right place.

But with him, after that first moment in the clinic,she was different. Distant. More measured in her words. He had hoped that her initial reticence would wear off and they would lapse into their typical banter, but that wasn't the case yet. As if she still didn't know exactly how to interpret the situation, how to interpret him.

 

She walked ahead, not avoiding him exactly, but not offering him the same ease she gave everyone else. Chase, as usual, had no problem filling the space.

 

“So, do you ever get a break here, or is it just nonstop?” Claire smirked.

 

“We get breaks. Kind of. There’s not much to do besides read, play cards … talk. Problably not really your type of nightlife.”

 

“Hey, I can enjoy a low-key night.” Chase shot her a look. “I just prefer when there’s a bar involved.” Claire laughed. A real laugh, light and easy.

 

“Yeah, no bars here.” She glanced at Neil. “But once I’ve shown you the clinic, I’ll show you where we spend most evenings. And it’s pretty close to a bar.” She added with a playful undertone and winked at Chase. Neil felt his chest tighten and when he saw Chase’s cheeks blush, he sighed.

He didn’t say anything, just kept walking beside them, taking in the village as much as the way Claire moved through it. It was strange, watching her like this. She had always been good with patients, but this was different. Here, she wasn't just a doctor; she was part of something bigger. A community. And yet, he wasn’t sure if she belonged here. Maybe he wasn’t sure if he belonged here, in her world now. Maybe he had no right to drag her away from here if she had indeed found her way.

Claire slowed slightly, falling into step next to him.

 

“It’s different than the hospital, isn’t it?” Neil glanced at her, noting the slight arch of her brow.

 

“Very.” She nodded, her gaze flickering forward.

 

“It’s a lot at first. But you get used to it.”

It wasn’t that he had to get used to the surroundings, he could adjust just fine. He had to get used to Claire, to her new self. And to the way she made him feel.

 

“Do you miss San Josè?” Chase asked, saying what had been on Neil’s mind the whole time. He didn’t dare look directly at Claire when she hesitated, for a brief moment.

 

“Sometimes,” she said finally. “I miss some people.” Her voice wasn’t dismissive, but it still sounded strange to Neil. He didn’t know if she meant him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to ask.

 

Claire lifted a hand in greeting to someone, then turned back to them.

 

“Okay, I'll show you the clinic now, come with me.”

 

**

 

The midday sun hung high, baking the dusty ground beneath their feet as Claire led them toward the main building of the clinic. Neil didn't even remember that he had been here before. Apparently he had been so caught up in his nerves and expectations that he hadn't even noticed his surroundings.

 

“This is where we handle most of our surgeries,” she said, pushing open a door that led into a small operating room. The walls were a pale, sun-faded blue, and the equipment, though older, was neatly arranged. A surgical bed stood in the center, flanked by monitors and trays stocked with sterilized tools. Neil had seen rooms like this before, but he had to admit that they were better equipped than they had been in Africa, and he wondered how things looked like before Claire had had her influence on the situation.

Dr. Chase stepped forward, hands in his pockets, scanning the room with curiosity.

 

“What if something goes wrong during an operation? Are you prepared for that?” Claire glanced at him, then at Neil, who hadn’t said a word since they left the small village.

 

“We adapt,” she said simply. “We’re prepared for emergencies as much as we can be, but it’s nothing compared to the operations at home.” She hesitated for a moment and Neil’s gaze automatically fell on her. Home. By that she had meant their home, his home. As if Claire had noticed it herself in that moment, she shook her head slightly, her posture a little tenser than before.

“We’ve had days where the power cuts out mid-procedure, so we use headlamps and battery-operated suction. If we lose water, we rely on stored reserves and alcohol-based solutions to sterilize.” Chase let out a low whistle.

 

“No pressure.” Claire’s lips twitched.

 

“It’s not ideal, but you get used to it.” Neil was still watching her out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Very impressive.” He finally commented before their eyes met. She smiled slightly and nodded. Neil recognized her look, he had seen it on her face many times before – pride. His heart warmed when he saw her like that, when she finally recognized her potential. Even though Neil was aware that Claire had of course not been responsible for all of this alone, he still saw her passion light up when she talked about the emergency situations. He remembered when they talked about what her specialty could be a year ago, since she couldn’t decide until the end. As much as Neil enjoyed working with her and as well as they got on in the operating room, he always had the feeling that she would be better off in general surgery, but especially in trauma surgery. Especially after Audrey’s story and now that he had been able to see for himself on site, he felt this thought reinforced. In Guatemala she hadn’t had the opportunity to choose a specialty since she was needed everywhere and maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

 

A beat of silence stretched between them, something unspoken hovering in the air. Then Chase, oblivious to the shift, chuckled.

 

“Remind me never to complain about a broken coffee machine again.” Neil raised his eyebrow. It was strange how Chase’s behavior had changed since they had arrived today. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of his motivation for this place or maybe because of Claire.

Claire exhaled, the moment broken. She turned, motioning them to follow.

 

“Come on. I’ll show you where we keep our supplies - when we actually have them.”

As she led them out, Neil stared after her. He wished the circumstances were different, he wished he could have been here with her the first time. How different could things have been between them now?

For just a brief second she looked over her shoulder again and met his gaze. Perhaps she had the same thought.

 

Neil followed a step behind as Claire led them through the narrow hallway, her voice professional as she explained how they managed with limited supplies. She was confident, sharp, completely in control. He wasn’t sure why that unsettled him.

He should have expected it - of course she’d thrive here. But something about seeing her like this, in her element, made the space between them feel even wider. Perhaps part of him had hoped that she would not feel comfortable, as she had described to him when they met. Even if it had been naive to think that he would turn up here like a savior in need and rescue her from misery, and even if he hadn't wanted that, it made it more difficult - that she was actually happy. As if she had found her place in the world. In general, that was exactly what he had wanted for her. But it was all more than just complicated, because this place was, as Rosi would say, on the other side of the world. So far away from his home. So far away from him. At that moment, he didn't think he could convince her to come back with him and he didn't know if he wanted to.

 

"...we try to keep a backup supply for at least a month, but sometimes we have to improvise," Claire was saying as they stepped into a storage room lined with metal shelves. Half of them were stocked, half noticeably bare. Dr. Chase let out a low hum of interest.

 

“So, if a shipment gets delayed, you just-”

 

“- make do,” Claire finished, brushing her hand along a crate of gauze. “It's a constant balance. We ration what we need, prioritize the most critical cases, and hope the next delivery arrives before we run out.”

Neil watched as she spoke, taking in the way she gestured with her hands, the quiet resolve in her voice. He only then realizes the feeling spreading through his stomach - pride. Even if he was intimidated by how comfortable she felt here, as if it were her place, he had to admit that she fascinated him. Once again.

Dr. Chase leaned against a nearby shelf.

 

“And when that doesn’t happen?” Claire barely hesitated.

 

“Then we figure something else out.” She said it like it was simple. Like it wasn’t a constant fight. Neil’s jaw tightened.

 

“That shouldn’t be something you have to just ‘figure out.’”

He knew that was a pointless statement. Of course it shouldn’t have been like that, of course it was unfair how hard they had to fight, just to have the opportunity to help people. There would always be places like this, where they did what they could and it still wasn’t enough. Where one month was better than the next, where one day you save a life that would otherwise have been lost, and the next day you see an entire family die because the necessary resources couldn't be delivered fast enough. It was terrible and unimaginable, but it was reality. That was what made their job so important.

Claire glanced at him, and for a second, he saw it - the flicker of something softer beneath the professionalism. Something that said she knew exactly why he was saying that.

Then she exhaled and turned back to the shelves.

 

“This is the reality of working in a place like this,” she said, her voice lighter now, as if the moment hadn't happened. “You learn to live with the uncertainty.”

He had heard it, her words, not just directed at the clinic, but at him. Her voice hadn't been as sure as it had been before when she said her last words, and he knew it affected her personally. His chest tightened and all he wanted was to finally be alone with her and finally take away all the uncertainties. Dr. Chase huffed a small laugh.

 

“I have to say, it’s impressive.” Claire gave him a small, appreciative smile.

 

“Thanks.”

Neil felt his shoulders tense. It wasn’t anything, not really,but it was effortless, the way she responded to Chase. No hesitation, no careful distance. And that bothered him. He forced his voice to stay even.

 

“You’ve changed.” Was the only thing that came out of his lips, because it was true. He didn’t know when she had changed, whether it had been before her visit or after. But the Claire who had gone to Guatemala, who he had said goodbye to at the airport with a long hug, no longer existed. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing and Neil knew he would like this version of her just as much as the old one. But to do that he had to get through to her again, her cold mask had to fall.

Claire paused. It was just for a second, but he caught it, the way her fingers curled slightly at her sides, the way she straightened just a little too much before turning to face him.

 

“I had to,” she said simply. Her eyes on him, but it was as if she would see right through him. He hated it. He wanted to see her smile again, the one smile she'd given him when she'd been so surprised by his visit that she couldn't keep up her facade. He wanted to see the sparkle in her eyes when he talked to her or teased her.

Neil wanted to say something else. Ask something else. But before he could, Chase shifted, unknowingly breaking whatever had just passed between them.

 

“So, what's next?” he asked. Claire took the escape.

 

“I'll show you where we handle outpatient cases.”

And just like that, she was walking ahead again, putting space between them. But as Neil followed, she glanced back, just for a second. And even after everything, she still looked at him like she wasn’t sure if he was real.

 

Neil tried to focus on what Claire was saying as she led them outside, past a row of makeshift patient rooms towards the main courtyard. The clinic wasn’t large, but every inch of space was used efficiently. He could see the traces of her everywhere - the organization, the structure, the quiet but relentless determination to make things work.

And she had made things work. For the clinic and for her.

Chase walked beside her, hands in his pockets, his usual sharpness softened by curiosity.

 

“And what about emergencies? If someone comes in with something you can’t treat?”

Claire pushed open the door to a smaller examination room and stepped inside, gesturing to the cabinets lining the walls.

 

“Depends on the situation. We stabilize them, then transfer them to the nearest hospital if we can. But …” She hesitated. “Sometimes, we don’t have that option.”

Neil knew what she meant. Sometimes, there wasn't time. Sometimes, resources run out. Sometimes, no matter what they did, it wasn’t enough. It had been too much for Audrey every time she had found herself in this situation. But for Claire it didn't seem to be a problem, rather the opposite. Chase nodded, taking it in, but then he gave her a quick, almost amused look.

 

“And let me guess - you always fight to find a way.” Claire let out a short breath, something close to a laugh.

 

“You make that sound like a bad thing.” Chase smirked.

 

“Not at all. Just predictable.”Neil clenched his jaw.

It was a throwaway comment, nothing serious, but something about the easy rhythm of it - the way Chase was already picking up on the things about Claire that he knew- rubbed him the wrong way. It was something he would have said to her if the situation were different. It was their way of communicating, and he almost felt sick watching Chase get in the way. He hadn’t expected that.

Claire shook her head, amused, and reached for the handle to another room.

 

“Come on. I’ll show you the pharmacy.” Neil stepped forward before she could move past him, forcing her to finally look at him and talk to him instead of Chase.

 

“You seem comfortable here.” Claire’s hand paused on the door handle. She looked up at him, searching his face.

 

“I am.”

Something in his chest tightened. Until the very end he had assumed that Morgan had exaggerated when she had told him about the phone call with Claire. He hadn’t really believed that Claire would describe this place as her home, but the way she had said the two words made it seem like there was no other option. This was her home.

He should be happy for her. He was happy for her. But she said it with a certainty that made him feel like he didn’t belong here, like he had walked into a world where she no longer needed him ... or wanted him. As if she was showing him the world she had built after he had pushed her away. Again and again. As if she wanted to prove to him that she could manage without him.

Chase, again completely unaware of the shift in the air, glanced between them.

 

“You sound like you never want to leave.” Claire’s expression didn’t change.

 

“I don’t.”

She held Neil’s gaze for a second longer before pushing the door open and stepping inside. Neil let out a slow breath before following. And for the first time since he arrived, he wondered if he was already too late. She will send him away; as soon as he’ll take a step towards her, she will push him away again.

 

The pharmacy was small but orderly, shelves lined with carefully labeled bottles and packets. Claire walked ahead, explaining how they kept track of inventory, how often they ran out of essentials, how much of their supply depended on donations. Neil barely heard her. His mind was still stuck on what she’d said outside. I don’t want to leave.

He hadn’t expected an easy answer. He knew she had built something real here. But hearing it out loud, seeing how deeply rooted she was, made something inside him twist uncomfortably. He hadn’t expected her answer to be such a clear no, before he’d even asked the most important questions.

Dr. Chase was still asking questions, completely at ease. Claire answered them with the same ease, slipping into that steady rhythm that made Neil feel like an outsider.

It was frustrating. He had spent years working with her, knowing her, almost having her and yet, right now, Chase felt closer to her than he did.

That realization was still sitting in his chest when Claire turned to check something in the back.

 

“I’ll be right back,” she said, already walking towards the storage area. Neil hesitated. This could be the perfect moment, maybe the only moment, to talk to her alone. Chase pulled his phone from his pocket and Neil watched as he appeared to be making some notes. With a quick movement, Neil followed Claire into the back room.

It was dimly lit, stocked with more supplies, a desk in the corner covered in notes and paperwork. Claire was rifling through a cabinet when she noticed him. She straightened, her expression cautious.

 

“You okay?” Neil leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. He wasn’t sure what he had planned to say, only that he didn’t want to go back out there without getting something real from her.

“You didn’t have to come,” Claire said, watching him carefully. Her voice was uncertain as she returned her gaze to the shelf in front of her, as if she was afraid to look at him for too long. Neil wondered what exactly she meant - shouldn’t he have come to accompany Chase, or shouldn’t he have come after everything that had happened between them?

 

“I did.” He said finally, his voice sure and confident. He knew why he had come.

She inhaled sharply but didn’t say anything. For a moment, it was just them, standing in the quiet, month of unspoken things pressing in around them.

 

"Why?" Neil looked at her, wondering if she really hadn't understood yet or if she just couldn't let herself believe.

 

"Because of you." Claire exhaled, breaking the moment, shaking her head as if to clear it. When she looked at him again, there was something different in her eyes, something warm. Hope. Neil's heart rate increased a little as he sensed the smile that seemed to spread across her face.

 

"Neil ..."

His name on her lips sent something through him, but before he could respond, Chase's voice carried from the other room.

 

"Hey, Claire? You good back there?"

Claire blinked, then took a step back. The shift was immediate, the moment slipping away before Neil could hold onto it.

 

"Yeah," she called back, her voice steady. "Coming."

 

She turned back to Neil, something unreadable in her eyes. Then, before he could say anything else, she was gone. Leaving Neil standing there, his heart pounding, realizing that, no matter how much he had tried to prepare for this, he had no idea how to fix what was between them. Chase wasn't a help either. He gritted his teeth as he followed her out of the back room.

 

By the time they stepped outside again, the late afternoon sun had softened, casting golden light over the clinic. The tour was winding down, and Claire seemed more at ease now - less in guide mode, more herself. Neil noticed the change in her posture, the way her shoulders weren’t as stiff, her expression soft and carefree. And then there were the smiles. Small, fleeting, but there. Like now, as Chase muttered something about his shoes, which were too tight for him.

Claire smirked, shaking her head.

 

“You won’t last a week here,” she teased. Chase huffed.

 

“Yes, I will. Once I have cool shoes like yours, you’ll have trouble keeping up with me.” He laughed and Neil felt the lump in his throat. He hated how confident Chase was around her and wondered where this change had come from. Claire gave him a look.

 

“Sure.”

Neil expected another easy, effortless exchange between them, but instead, Claire glanced at him, something amused flickering behind her eyes.

 

And then, almost absently, she murmured, "New kicks won't help you outrun me".

 

Neil’s breath caught.

It was nothing, just a passing remark. But it wasn't for Chase. It wasn't for anyone else. It was theirs.

 

It had always been their world, ever since they had started this friendship. When she was a completely different person, sad and broken by the world, when they had found understanding and hope in each other. He had always teased her about it when they had gone jogging together and she could never really keep up with him.

For a short time, it was the only thing that had motivated her – him who teased her, encouraging her to keep up with him. It had been a beautiful time when Claire had slowly thawed out and shown her true self, her warm, funny and teasing self. Claire had always been a great person, even when she had to recover from the blows of her past. But when she had regained her strength, it was as if there had been no other option than to fall for her.

In the beginning, he was there for her, simply because he couldn't help it. She had needed him, so he had been there. But over time, she had wrapped him around his finger, it hadn't even taken very long. As soon as they had let down their professional walls between them, it had been child's play for her to sneak into his heart. And he hadn't stopped it, probably couldn't have.

It had all started with a stupid pair of shoes. He remembered it vividly.

 

And from the way Claire's lips curled, just slightly, so did she. For a second, Neil forgot how far apart they had become.

But then Claire looked away, like she hadn't meant to say it. Like she hadn’t meant to let that part of their past slip through the cracks. The moment passed, but Neil held onto it.

Because despite everything, despite their distance, despite the time that had stretched between them - there were still pieces of him she hadn’t let go of.

 

---

 

Notes:

Oh man, this was intense! I had fun with it :)

Let me know what you would like to see happen next (yes, Neil will talk to Claire about everything ;))

I was also wondering if you think the chapters are too long. The next chapter is going to be even longer (and much more intense). So please
let me know if you'd prefer shorter chapters instead. :) I don't want it to be too overhelming

Chapter 13: Stays in Guatemala

Notes:

Today is a crazy day for me, so I want to start off a little more serious, a little more personal. If you don't care, feel free to skip it; it has nothing to do with the ff. And if you continue reading - thank you ❤️

Today is the first anniversary of the death of my best friend. The person I practically grew up with, the one I knew when I met her that I couldn't imagine life without. My best friend for almost 17 years. It is what it is; we all know people whose stories got cut short (especially with this ship, duh), and even though this story is coming to an end soon (?), I'm so grateful that I had the strength to write it. It gave me the opportunity to immerse myself in a world where I could switch off from everything life throws at you. It was the first thing I've managed to create since ... well, yeah. I'm grateful for every single person I was able to put a smile on with this story.

We watched the show together, and she comforted me when I cried my eyes out during the Neil storyline (like what the hell), and I think she'd be happy to know that I've at least found some joy in the tragedy again.

So, if you're going through a difficult time right now, I hope you have your Neil by your side, on whose shoulder you can cry your eyes out in a stairwell.

And if you love someone, tell them. Because even if you think you've said it enough times, you haven't. Even if you had all the time in the world, it will never be enough.

And to my angel in heaven - you know I'm not mad. You stayed as long as you could. You were worth every pain, and I will cherish every memory with you forever. I want you to know that I loved you, still love you, and always will. I think of you every day and hope you're in a good place. Maybe they'll play you a spin-off where our cute babies got their happy ending. No spoilers, please; we'll watch it together sometime. Thank you. For everything.

And now, enough emotional stuff. Now it's time for the fun of the day.

And I really had alot of fun with this one, I'm sure you will too :)

 

As I said, the rule still applies - if something is written in italics in a conversation, then it is Spanish :D

 

---

 

"Okay, there's one more place I want to show you." A gentle smile played around Claire's lips, and Neil couldn't help but return it.

 

"The hangout of the cool kids?" Chase asked, making Claire laugh.

 

"Yeah, you could say that." She led the two through some narrow alleys, so tangled that Neil wasn't sure he would have been able to find his way back on his own if Claire hadn't been there. It was quiet between them, but the village around them was bustling with life. It was a beautiful place, considering the circumstances.

Neil watched Claire out of the corner of his eye and noticed the small smile still resting on her face. He cleared his throat.

 

"So, why did you decide to stay?" he asked cautiously, remembering her words from the clinic. I don't want to leave. The words circled in his head, but the meaning behind them wasn't quite clear to him yet. How final was this decision?

Claire gave him a quick glance before shrugging.

 

"It wasn't really a decision. It just became clear that this is where I'm meant to be." Neil raised an eyebrow, thinking of the words Audrey had said to him.

>Claire is someone who doesn't make emotional decisions lightly. If she's pulled away, it might not be because she doesn't want you, but because she thought she couldn't have you.<

Maybe she felt like she had to be here because she thought there was no room for her with him anymore, and he couldn't even blame her for thinking that.

 

"You sound like Mateo," he said finally, his voice a little sharper than he intended. Claire furrowed her eyebrows before shrugging again.

 

"Mateo has his reasons for being here. And I have mine." Neil nodded, even though he didn't understand her answer. Chase quickened his pace, almost walking in front of Neil.

 

"Mateo told me about your school program. How many kids will -"

 

"Hey, Claire. Where do you think you're going?" a deep male voice suddenly called out, causing all three of them to turn around. A tall, tanned man looked out a wide-open window they had passed and waved Claire over. When Claire recognized him, a wide grin spread across her face and she giggled as she walked toward him.

 

"Kenai, I'm so sorry. I was thinking about you earlier," she said, squeezing awkwardly through the window to give him a hug.

 

Neil and Chase exchanged a quick glance before taking a step toward them, keeping enough distance to avoid disturbing.

Claire seemed happy as she talked to him; they laughed a lot, while the man gestured wildly. Neil was close enough to hear what they were talking about, but he couldn't really follow the conversation. It was obvious they were getting along well, but their conversation jumped from one point to the next. Neil noticed again how good her Spanish had become, how confident she was talking to him, and a small part of him had to admit that he found it incredibly attractive. He rarely spoke Spanish anymore, as the opportunity rarely arose in the hospital, and he had virtually no contact with his family. Excitement and anticipation filled him as he imagined being able to have long conversations with Claire in his native language. Not so hasty, one step at a time.

 

The man disappeared for a brief moment before reappearing and handing Claire a small box.

"Have fun with it, princesa." He called after her, and Claire waved goodbye once more before joining the other two. She gave them a small smile before nodding in another direction.

 

"What was that about?" Neil asked, amused by Claire's surprised expression when he also began speaking Spanish. Her eyes sparkled for a moment, and he wondered if he had the same effect on her as she had on him the other way around. She shook the small box in her hands and chuckled.

 

"We have to take a little detour. I have someone I need you to meet," she grinned as their eyes met. Neil couldn't tear his eyes away from her; the fascination was probably written all over his face. He frowned slightly.

 

"Your Spanish has gotten really well. Almost perfect." Claire raised an eyebrow playfully.

 

"Almost?" A warm wave of joy flooded through Neil's body when he saw her cheeky smile and heard the sharp edge in her voice. He gave her a crooked grin before shrugging.

 

"You speak it almost better than I do. Impressive." Claire's smile softened before she looked away, and Neil let a heavy breath escape his lips as a little bit of tension fell from his shoulders. Only then did he realize Chase was staring at them, looking a little lost as he tried to keep up with them. Neil chuckled. It served him right, being the one feeling left out now after what had happened at the clinic.

He gave Claire a little elbow nudge, which made her look up, and he nodded to Chase, who was walking a step behind them.

 

"Would you like to lend him your dictionary? He seems a little lost." Claire's eyes discreetly followed his movement, and when her gaze landed on Phillip, she grimaced slightly, as if only now realizing he was struggling with the language barrier just as she had when she'd first arrived. Her gaze landed on Neil again, and she shrugged.

 

"I don't know, I think it's kind of sweet," she began. "Besides, it's kind of rude to give a gift away, don't you think?" She gave him a small smile that Neil could swear would make his heart skip a beat.

 

"Well, but you obviously don't need it anymore." She held his gaze for a moment longer than necessary before nodding.

 

"No, I don't." Chase sighed, now obviously slightly annoyed by the situation, and Neil had trouble suppressing a smile. If he'd known earlier that it would be so easy to get rid of him, he would have spoken Spanish right from the start.

 

"What's in the box?" Chase asked, and Claire seemed to take pity on him as she turned to him and smiled.

 

"You'll see in a minute. We're …" She paused for a moment as they turned onto a small street, where she stopped. "There." Neil and Chase looked around, but neither noticed anything unusual. Accordingly, they shot questioning glances at Claire, whose face broke into a broad smile.

 

"Aquí, aquí, ven, ven." She called, and Neil raised an eyebrow before he and Chase exchanged another glance as Claire began making clicking noises and opening the box.

 

"What ..." Chase began, but was interrupted when cats began running toward them from the little corners of the streets, all meowing terribly loudly as they ran toward Claire. She squatted down and pulled small scraps of meat from the box, happily tossing them to them. Soon, a whole crowd of cats had gathered around her and began purring contentedly as they devoured the food. Claire sat in the middle of them, stroking a cat that curled up in her lap.

Neil raised his eyebrows in surprise, but couldn't help but grin when he saw Claire like that. Completely content and surrounded by love ... and hunger.

 

"May I introduce you? These are Esmeralda, Florecita, Rio, Amigo, Rubia, and ..." She pointed to each cat individually, but Neil only had eyes for her. She let her gaze wander, but when she didn't seem to find what she was looking for, she stood up, set the cat from her lap down on the ground, and looked through the cat crowd. Neil noticed the worried look in her eyes.

 

"Are you okay?" he asked, but she paid him no attention. Instead, she bent down, resting her hands on her thighs, and looked under the houses.

 

"So, where is ... ah!" At that moment, she bent down and pulled another cat out from behind a small cardboard box and held it in her arms. "There you are." She stroked the cat's gray fur before glancing at Neil. "Guess who that is." Neil raised an amused eyebrow.

 

"What? How would I know?" Claire smiled and leaned closer so Neil could get a better view of the animal.

 

"Look at him. It's quite obvious." Neil gave her another skeptical look before doing as he was instructed. He looked the cat up and down. His fur was gray and shaggy, his muzzle white, his gaze ... hm. Strangely, the look on his face seemed familiar. He leaned forward a little, the cat stared past him, and Neil let out an unsure laugh.

 

"Uhm." Before he could respond, he was interrupted by a familiar voice.

 

"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere!" Mateo called as he approached them. He chuckled as he looked back and forth between the others.

"You really are inseparable, aren't you?" he laughed, and Neil discreetly glanced at Claire, who was grinning. "I was wondering if you might like to assist me with my surgery. Appendectomy, little boy, starting in about ten minutes." Mateo turned his head slightly to the side as he watched Chase.

"I thought this would be especially interesting for you, Phillip. Audrey told me you've never performed surgery in a place like this before." Chase nodded enthusiastically before looking at Neil and Claire.

 

"Um, Claire's just showing us around." Claire waved a hand, still holding the cat.

 

"It's okay, you've already seen the most important things. I can show you everything else tomorrow." Chase nodded and looked directly at Neil, a questioning expression on his face.

 

"Have fun," Neil replied simply, gesturing toward Mateo. In what universe would he pass up the opportunity to discreetly get rid of Chase? And that definitely wasn't a bad thing for Chase either, so no hard feelings.

 

"Okay, great. What about you, Neil? You certainly don't need any tutoring, but you're welcome to assist me." Neil waved a hand.

 

"It's okay, I'll let you go first." Mateo nodded as he put his arm around Chase's shoulders and pulled him back in the direction he'd come from. And suddenly, Neil was alone with her, just as he'd hoped. The faint feeling of nervousness crept up inside him again, but he wasn't ready to give in to it. Instead, he simply turned to Claire and watched her reaction. She smiled a little sheepishly, but didn't seem uncomfortable, so Neil raised his eyebrow slightly and reached out to stroke the head of the cat still in her arms.

 

"So ... who is that?" he asked amusedly, and Claire's cheeky grin instantly reappeared on her face.

 

"Take a good look at him," she demanded again, and Neil sighed theatrically.

 

"I mean ... I don't know," he admitted, but had to chuckle when she rolled her eyes.

 

"Doesn't he remind you of Shaun? I mean, seriously." Neil snorted before taking another look at him. There was actually a certain resemblance - the look that had seemed vaguely familiar earlier still pierced him, and he shrugged in agreement.

 

"Well, maybe a little bit." Claire smiled gently before putting the cat down and sighing.

 

"I thought it was funny." While Neil couldn't deny a certain resemblance, he still wondered if Claire had been lonely and homesick. Maybe she did just find the name funny, but it was also no secret that she missed Shaun.

 

"Shaun, huh?" he asked as he shoved his hands in his pockets and Claire grinned.

 

"Well, Murphy, but yeah." A warm feeling spread through Neil's stomach as he watched her for a moment, their eyes meeting. She looked happy, actually happy. Neil frowned, realizing something.

 

"What's up with the cats? I thought you didn't like cats?" Claire gave him a mock-shocked look before shaking her head.

 

"I never said I didn't like cats. I just prefer dogs," she said, which made her eyes light up. Neil smiled, less because he knew she was right, but more because he'd gotten the reaction he'd hoped for. He vividly remembered their conversation many months ago, when she'd tried to make him understand that there were both dog and cat people. The fact that he was both wasn't something she'd let stand.

"Besides, even if I didn't like cats, I wouldn't let them starve," she added with a chuckle. Neil laughed.

 

"This is definitely more than just liking. You've got a whole pack around you -"

 

"Pack?" She laughed slightly, but Neil ignored the comment and pointed to the group of cats in front of him.

 

"And you named each of them. You're close to adopting them all, admit it." Claire grinned before shaking her head.

 

"I didn't name them, the children did." She hesitated for a moment. "Well, except for Murphy." Neil smiled amusedly as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, somewhat embarrassed. Her expression became a little more serious, but remained warm. "We try to feed the cats as much as we can. We don't have many resources, and of course, they always go to the humans first." She stroked the ear of a cat that had jumped onto the wall next to her and smiled. "But Kenai, the guy with the long black hair from earlier?" Neil nodded. "He's kind of our chef around here." She laughed lightly. "And he always tries to grab a few leftovers. Like now. So if you want to bet on who adopts the cats, I'd put my money on him." The slight smile never left her face as she crossed her arms.

 

"You all are really looking out for each other.“ Neil noted, and Claire nodded.

 

"Kenai is a really sweet person. He's always there for me when I need him." The small pang in Neil's heart spread throughout his body as he involuntarily wondered what she might need him for and whether he had become her person like he once was. Part of him wondered if she had talked to Kenai about him, but he dismissed the thought when Claire smiled again.

"Unless, of course, the cats need him more at that moment. Then probably not." Neil smiled before silence fell over them. For a brief moment, it was awkward, as if they were both waiting for the other to speak first, then Neil pulled himself together and tilted his head.

 

"Do you want to show me your secret meeting place now, or am I not allowed in?" For a moment, Claire seemed to have let her guard down, because she couldn't help but laugh heartily. It was only a short, warm laugh, but it was enough to make Neil's heart leap out of his chest. He had forgotten how much he had missed that sound. It was rare for Claire to truly laugh from the bottom of her heart, even though she had always laughed a lot with him - at least in the past. But moments like this were rare, and Neil wished he could have frozen this moment forever. He wished he could make her laugh much more often ...

 

"Well, I don't know. Without Phillip by your side, it's somehow not as appealing anymore," she joked, already setting off. Neil chuckled as he walked beside her, walking the narrow path with her.

 

"Well, I was joking about Chase, but you saw it too, right?" he asked, and Claire glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, a smile on her lips.

 

"Saw what?" she asked, but the tone in her voice betrayed that she knew exactly what he meant.

 

"That he was flirting with you. I mean, who is he?" Claire laughed again, but said nothing. "Seriously, I've never seen him like this before. Even on the way here, he was always so ... shy and reserved. The personality change was almost creepy." Claire's eyes lit up for a second, and she shrugged.

 

"Why would he flirt with me?" she asked innocently. Neil rolled his eyes, what obviously amused her.

 

"Yeah, I can't think of any reason," he replied sarcastically, seeing the small smile creep onto her lips.

 

"I'm not the one sharing a bed with him." Her voice was so indifferent that Neil had to glance over at her to see what she meant. The twinkle in her eyes betrayed her intentions. Even if the thought of sharing a bed with Chase, at least almost, didn't make him particularly happy, it was still far better than the images that popped into his head when he imagined Claire being the one lying next to Chase. He grimaced.

 

"Don't remind me," he said, shaking his head. "I'm just praying he's not a cuddler." His words made her laugh, thus achieving exactly what they were intended to.

 

"Aren't you one?" she asked, amused. "I always imagined you like that." When she saw Neil's grin spread across his face at this, she rolled her eyes playfully.

 

"Oh, you did, huh? What else did you imagine with me?" He didn't know how he'd regained his confidence and been able to flirt with her so openly without fear of rejection. Even when she just shook her head and grinned without responding, that had been enough for him. Maybe it was because it was how it was.

In that moment, things felt good between them, almost normal. It was still a little fidgety, as if they hadn't yet found their old rhythm, but it wasn't as distant as before. When he felt their shoulders touch lightly as they walked through the alleys together, he almost expected her to flinch, but she didn't, and that gave him a warm feeling in his chest. He sighed as a small spark of hope blossomed within him. Hope that coming here had been the right decision. But when he saw her out of the corner of his eye and just walked beside her without saying anything, it was actually reason enough for him.

He almost jumped as his phone vibrated in his pocket.

 

"Ah, you have reception here? Impressive." She said, and Neil gave her a small smile as he pulled out the phone. A warm grin spread across his face as he read the text from Park.

 

>Updates?<

It wasn't much, but Neil knew exactly what he was asking, and it warmed his heart to see how much Alex cared about him. That morning, he'd also received a message from Audrey wishing him luck. It put a little pressure on him that they both expected him to come back with positive news, but it also gave him a boost.

 

>Later.<  he simply replied, but immediately after sending it, he realized the message hadn't gone through.

 

"So much for that," he murmured as he put the phone back in his pocket. Claire gave him a quick smile before turning away. Her expression had cooled a bit, and Neil wondered what was going on in her head, if he'd said something wrong or if she was already shutting down again. But then she cleared her throat.

 

"Was that Nicole?" Her voice was emotionless as she kept her gaze forward stubbornly, and Neil simply shook his head.

 

"No, that was Park," he said, and he could have sworn that Claire immediately relaxed a little next to him. "Just wanted to know how things were going." She nodded.

 

"How's Alex doing?"

 

"He's fine." He answered without hesitation, and Claire smiled, which encouraged him to be a little more direct. "He said he wants to start therapy again." Claire seemed a little surprised, but her gaze was gentle.

 

"That's good." She didn't say anything else. Neil gritted his teeth. He'd actually hoped for a more descriptive answer, knowing that Park and Claire had already discussed therapy. When she still didn't say anything after a few seconds, he cleared his throat.

 

"Yes, I think he also wants to see your therapist, the one you used to see." Claire nodded.

 

"Yes, I recommended her to him. She's very nice." Neil frowned before deciding to lay all his cards on the table.

 

"Alex said you're looking for a therapist here too. Are you okay?" Contrary to expectations, Claire's expression didn't change; she didn't seem surprised by the question. She nodded.

 

"Yeah, it's fine. I just thought it couldn't hurt. It's not like I was looking for it really, I was just asking around to see if there was anything like that here." She shrugged. "There isn't. But that's no surprise in a place like this."

Neil nodded thoughtfully. A small weight had been lifted from his shoulders; at least she really didn't seem to be in desperate need of help, which reassured him. Ever since Park had mentioned that Claire wanted to start therapy again, he hadn't been able to help but worry about her. Although he hadn't had the feeling she was unwell all day today - quite the opposite, in fact - he couldn't be sure. Without thinking about it, he nudged her gently with his shoulder.

 

"I meant what I said. You've really changed." Claire held his gaze for a moment before a small frown formed between her eyebrows.

 

"In what way?" Neil thought about how to answer, but couldn't find the right words. Maybe it was simply the distance between them that made her seem so unfamiliar to him.

 

"I don't know exactly." He answered honestly, and Claire rolled her eyes.

 

"Well, in a good or bad way?"

 

"Not in a bad way." He didn't hesitate for a second with his answer, but her questioning look made him sigh. "Maybe it's just the surroundings. It really is strange seeing you here like this." A soft sound left Claire's lips. A mixture of sigh and laughter. She gave him a skeptical look.

 

"You are the one to talk." Neil raised his eyebrow. "How do you think I feel seeing you here? That’s weird." There was so much warmth in her voice that Neil immediately realized it wasn't the only thing she felt. He gave her a crooked smile.

 

"Weird, huh? I think the word you're looking for is great." Before he'd even finished the sentence, Claire was already shaking her head, rolling her eyes, and gently pushing him aside.

 

"You really are too full of yourself." Neil loved the tone in her voice because he knew it by heart. It was Claire. It was so easy to talk and laugh with her when she was like that. So open and free. He wished it could always be like this.

 

"If you say so." He shrugged as her gaze flickered to him again. No matter how hard she tried to hide it, Neil noticed the small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. For a moment, neither of them said anything, and if the situation between them had been different, he probably wouldn't have been able to hold back and kiss her. How much he wanted to kiss her ...

 

"Stop looking at me like that." Claire complained theatrically. Neil raised his eyebrow.

 

"Like what?" He could easily imagine what his expression looked like from the outside - at least if it reflected what he felt. He probably looked like a lovesick idiot.

 

"Like this. You know exactly what I mean." Neil laughed and shrugged, but didn't turn away immediately. He took a moment to take her in, the moment between them too precious to waste. She still didn't say anything, but a small frown formed between her eyebrows, so Neil decided not to overdo it. At least not too much.

 

"Okay, I won't look at you like that anymore."

 

"Good."

 

"If - "

 

"Gah." Neil chuckled.

 

"If you answer me one question." Neil immediately noticed her body tense, her expression becoming more serious, but Neil's smile seemed to calm her down a bit, so she nodded with a sigh.

 

"Fine." Neil rubbed his hands together in an exaggeratedly theatrical way. He wasn't really planning on rushing in just yet, especially not while they were just strolling along side by side. But now that they'd talked about Alex, a thought had resurfaced that he wasn't quite sure how to deal with.

 

"You remember the last time you were in San José, right?" She gave him a sharp look, but it bounced off him. After all, he was trying to tease her a little, too.

 

"Vaguely." She answered sarcastically, and he nodded.

 

"Why didn't you want to tell me you were with Alex and Morgan?" Claire raised an eyebrow, but was still obviously relieved that the question had gone in a different direction than she probably expected.

 

"What do you mean I didn't want to tell you? I didn't make a secret of it." Neil tilted his head, trying to make sense of her look. He wasn't entirely sure if she'd actively wanted to hide it from him, although at the time it had seemed odd how she'd told him about the things she'd done since she'd been home, but had skipped Sunday with Alex and Morgan.

 

"No, but you seemed like you didn't want to talk about Sunday. And I was wondering why." Claire watched him intensely for a moment, seemingly considering it. But the next moment, her eyes widened, her cheeks flushed slightly, and she looked away.

 

"Oh." Neil raised his eyebrow, a mixture of curiosity and nervousness spreading through him. So there really was a reason.

 

"Oh?" Claire shook her head, but still avoided his gaze.

 

"It had nothing to do with those two," she finally said, and Neil wasn't sure whether he should ask further. Or wanted to. But after all, the goal of his visit had been absolute transparency, so all the cards had to be on the table.

 

"What was it about then?" She still said nothing, the only sound between them being their quick footsteps, which became even faster at that moment. Neil raised his eyebrow, and Claire's eyes finally lifted and met his.

 

"I'm not telling you," she said with a cheeky grin on her lips, but Neil could see it wasn't a genuine smile; it didn't reach her eyes.

 

"What? Come on." Claire made a gesture that suggested she was closing her mouth and throwing away the key, and Neil looked at her almost perplexed. She sighed, and when she looked back at him, her gaze was warm, yet uncertain.

 

"It's better if I don't tell you. Believe me." He didn't want to force her to talk about it, but she wasn't exactly making it easy for him. The way she said it ... maybe his fears back then had actually been true. Maybe she really had met a man when she left the others. At least it would explain why she'd seemed so embarrassed - even if she had no real reason to be. After all, she didn't owe him anything, and after everything that had happened with Nicole, Neil almost expected Claire to be more than happy to tell him if she'd been involved with someone else.

He couldn't imagine, for the life of him, who the guy could have been, but then Claire also had her private life, and he couldn't say with hundred percent certainty whether there had been anyone else in her life. Even if there hadn't, a woman like Claire would only have to step out the door and all the men nearby would fall at her feet - it would have been easy for her to find a man for a one-night stand; she would have basically just had to snap her fingers and they would all have been lined up.

He'd realized by now that she'd had feelings for him at that point, but it wouldn't have been the first time Claire had sought out the presence of strange men to distract herself. That's probably why she didn't want to tell him. Neil grimaced.

Everything in him refused to think about it. It probably would have been just a matter of balancing justice, considering he'd also been with another woman during that time, but he'd be lying if he said the thought didn't hurt. Damn, it hurt. He tried to ignore the pressure in his stomach that was spreading inside him, but the silence that had settled between them wasn't making it easy. The ease was gone again, and that only reminded Neil of everything they still had to talk about. Compared to how he felt now, the conversation with Nicole a few weeks ago seemed like child's play. Probably because he no longer had the reins. He'd basically had to present Nicole with a fait accompli, whereas now he would just say what he had to say and hope that Claire saw the whole thing between them in the same way. Even if he no longer knew exactly what the goal of the conversation would be. He had decided to win Claire over and then take her back to San José, where they would finally start building something together. But now that he'd seen her here, in this place, in this community, he no longer knew what the right thing was. Luckily, he hadn't had to decide that alone.

 

"There it is," Claire said after a brief silence, pointing to a large, brightly painted shed and grinning. "The hottest place in town." Neil smiled as well, relieved to be pulled out of his thoughts. The music that drifted from inside to them was traditional and loud. Claire giggled when she noticed his expression.

"Come on, let's go in."

Without another word, he followed her inside and was pleasantly surprised, instinctively wondering what wasn't a bar about that place. A young woman was standing behind a counter, singing along so loudly to the lyrics of the song playing at that moment, that Neil wondered if she realized she wasn't alone. In fact, there were several people gathered there, laughing loudly and seemingly oblivious to everything else around them.

"There's no alcohol," Claire said, looking at him with a meaningful look.

 

"What?" Claire made a sweeping gesture across the room and shrugged.

 

"There's no alcohol here, so it's not a bar," she explained, and Neil nodded as he looked further. There were even darts on the wall in the far corner, he noticed with amazement. He definitely hadn't expected a place like this. Claire seemed to be thinking the same thing at the time, as a satisfied smile spread across her face.

"Impressive, isn't it?" Neil nodded again as their eyes met.

 

"I didn't expect that." Claire chuckled.

 

"It was here the first time we were here. Believe me, we all looked pretty much the same way you did right now." She leaned a little closer to him. "Don't tell him I told you, but Park is incredibly bad at darts." Neil raised an eyebrow.

 

"Really?" He remembered the times they'd been to a bar together as a group and suddenly realized that Alex had actually avoided playing with him every time. He'd always had some kind of excuse ready. Neil hadn't thought anything of it, but now that he knew his dark secret, he decided to use it against him in the future.

Claire seemed to read his mind, as she lightly elbowed him in the ribs, which made him laugh.

 

"Yeah, and Audrey's way too good at it." Neil crossed his arms.

 

"Oh, you don't have to tell me that. That woman has ripped me off way too many times. The worst mistake of my life was when we turned it into a drinking game back in the day. I don't think I've ever had such a hangover since." Claire gave him a long, unimpressed stare before she started laughing.

 

"Maybe you could have told me that earlier." Neil was about to say something cheeky, but she interrupted him by pointing to a small seating area at the end of the room.

 

"Sit down. I'll get us something to drink."

Neil thanked the gods for Mateo, who had kept Dr. Chase busy so he could hopefully spend the rest of the evening alone with Claire. While experience had shown that an appendectomy didn't take very long, he doubted Chase would go looking for them again immediately afterward. At least he hoped not.

 

As he sat down on the wooden bench, he took a moment to watch Claire, who was chatting animatedly with the woman behind the counter. Here, too, she seemed to be blossoming again. The last few minutes with her had been liberating and almost like before, yet it was different when she was talking to the locals. He had never seen her like this before; even in Bonadventure, it had been distant compared to here. And that was despite the fact that she had called her work colleagues in San José her family. Neil wondered if it was the influence of this place. It was a village in need, but to him, it seemed hopeful, almost joyful. Sure, he had only been here for a few hours, but the way Claire moved around didn't give him the feeling that this had been just a stopover for her. He asked himself again if it would have been selfish to ask her to come home with him. After all, he didn't even know if this was still the place for her. He still had to address the conversation with Morgan, but everything in him dreaded, while seeing her laughing so heartily, seemingly completely free of worries. He didn't want to be the reason she was upset again.

 

Before he could think about it any longer, she turned to him and gave him a sharp smile before approaching with the glasses in her hand. The corners of his mouth twitched as he tried to figure out what her look meant, but decided to wait and see. If she was smiling, it could only be something positive. She sat down in the garden chair opposite him and handed him his glass.

Neil eyed the drink skeptically.

 

"What?" she asked with a smirk as Neil raised his eyebrow. He lifted the glass and turned it to examine the contents closely.

 

"I know you said there's no alcohol here. But what the hell is this?" He noticed the milky color first, but when he turned it over, he grimaced at the mushy texture and warm temperature. Claire watched him motionless for a moment before leaning toward him.

 

"Wait. You're serious?" Their eyes met across the narrow table, and he tried to figure out what he didn't understand about the situation, but it wasn't clear to him, so he shrugged. "Oh God, I think I've got the wrong idea about you." She replied, horrified, and Neil raised his hands defensively.

 

"Wow, could you please enlighten me first before you start berating me like this?" he asked seriously, but the small crinkles in the corners of his eyes betrayed how amused he was by the situation. Claire chuckled as she rolled her eyes.

 

"That's a'tole, an absolute classic. Shame on you for not knowing that." Neil grimaced briefly before laughing slightly.

 

"Okay, it seems you just found the one thing I don't know much about. Congratulations." Claire watched him intently as she sipped her glass. She didn't miss his hesitant expression, but she just leaned back contentedly and crossed her arms.

"Now tell me what that is." Claire seemed to think about it for a moment, her gaze lost in her own drink.

 

"Like I said, a traditional Mexican masa-based drink. Yours is chocolate flavored, mine is guava." She explained with gleaming eyes. Neil's expression obviously reflected how he felt, because she just grinned and jutted her chin at him.

"Drink." Neil wrinkled his nose, pursing his lips tightly. He knew exactly why Claire was enjoying this moment so much.

 

**

 

The memory felt warmer than it should have, lingering in the way memories of unspoken things often did. It was one of those late nights that didn't quite belong to work anymore, the kind that blurred the line between what they were and what they weren't. The bar was quiet, tucked away from the usual crowd, the low sounds of conversation and the clink of glasses filling the spaces between words.

Neil pushed his whiskey glass towards Claire, watching her with that amused, knowing look, the one that made her roll her eyes even before he said anything. Already knowing her answer, he leaned back and grinned.

 

"Go on. Try it."

Claire looked at the glass as if it might bite her at any moment and grimaced.

 

"I'm good, thanks."

Exactly as he had expected. Claire hadn't been the whiskey type, he had discovered that relatively quickly. He hadn't expected her to be the typical colorful drink with incredibly cheesy names-loving girl, but he'd quickly come to terms with it and only teased her occasionally. But tonight was one of those nights where he wouldn't let her off the hook so easily. She'd been assigned to Andrews all week, and even though he didn't want to admit it, it bothered him because they worked so well together. And maybe he also missed her direct, stubborn attitude.

 

"What, afraid?" Claire just shrugged and waved her hand as she took the last sip of her colorful drink.

 

"Afraid? No. Wise? Yes." Neil chuckled, raised his own glass, and swirled his whiskey so it caught the light. He took a sip, unbothered, and watched her over the rim.

Claire held his gaze, one eyebrow raised.

 

"You just haven't had the right one yet. A good whiskey is smooth." Claire narrowed her eyes, resting her chin on her hand.

 

“It literally burns.” Neil grinned.

 

“A pleasant burn.” Claire snorted.

 

“There’s no such thing.” Neil tilted his head and studied her for a moment, assessing whether she was serious. When she just continued to watch him unfazed, without saying anything, he set his glass down on the table, his brows furrowed.

 

“If you really believe that, then you haven’t truly lived.” She thought about it for a brief moment before Neil saw the blush spreading across her face. He swallowed the sharp comment that was already on the tip of his tongue and simply savored the view for another second. What wouldn’t he have given at that moment to know what was going through her mind. He was sure there was so much he still didn’t know about her. He'd already been impressed by how much depth and charisma lay behind the insecure facade she'd always presented at work. Surely there were still a few secrets worth discovering. He grinned at the thought.

"When was the last time you had a good whiskey?"

Claire avoided his gaze, playing with the small umbrella that had been in her drink until a few seconds ago.

 

"In college." She murmured, her voice uncertain, knowing that Neil would tease her about her answer in a moment. She was right.

 

"I asked when was the last time you had a good whiskey. Not just any old swill." He chuckled when Claire raised her eyes, a small thoughtful frown between her brows.

 

"The host insisted we drink it. He said it was the best vintage. Whatever." Neil laughed, earning a warning look from her. He shrugged.

 

"I'm sure he said that. And I'm sure it tasted awful." She nodded.

 

"It did." He watched her for a few moments, considering whether to tease her further, but decided - why not? He certainly wouldn't force her to drink it if she didn't like it, and he was pretty sure she still wouldn't. But he wouldn't let up until she at least tried it. Just because.

 

"You know, I didn't take you for someone who avoids new experiences."

She narrowed her eyes at that, catching the challenge beneath his casual tone. After a moment, she leaned forward slightly.

 

"I don't. But I also don't see the point in suffering through something I already know I won't like." Neil grinned.

 

"So stubborn."

He was aware that his voice clearly showed how much he was enjoying the situation, but he didn't care. He had to admit that at first, he had a problem with Claire's constant resistance, or simply not being persuaded to change her point of view; it had often led to problems between them.

Even to the point where he couldn't work with her anymore and kicked her off his team. But then she had remained so stubborn that it had impressed him in a way and reminded him of himself. And slowly, he began to like her manner. He liked the fact that she wasn't afraid to stand up to him. And once his ego had learned to deal with it, he found it seductive in a way. Of course, he would never have admitted it, not even to himself, but since that moment, he saw her in a different light. She was impressive.

 

"So persistent." Claire said, shrugging. Neil's smirk began to also appear on her face.

They held the moment for a beat too long, the air between them shifted into something else, something almost expectant. Then, maybe to break it, maybe just to prove a point, Claire sighed and picked up the glass. Neil watched, a little too intently, as she brought it to her lips and took a small sip.

Her face scrunched before she could stop it, eyes squeezing shut for half a second as she swallowed. Neil was already grinning.

 

“Wow.” He said chuckling, shaking his head. Claire coughed slightly.

 

“Nope. Still terrible.”

Neil laughed, not even bothering to hide his amusement. She scowled at him, pushing the glass back across the table like it had personally offended her.

“You’re enjoying this too much,” she grumbled. Neil raised the glass in a mock toast and smirked.

 

“I really am.” He simply said before drinking the whiskey.

A small smile crept onto Claire’s face, which Neil couldn’t help but admire. This woman was dangerous. She looked so innocent, yet she probably knew exactly how to use those weapons.

“Should I buy you another one of those?” he asked, pointing to her empty glass. She nodded contentedly.

 

“I thought you never asked.”

 

**

 

Neil watched her across the table, the cheeky little grin still on her face. She knew exactly what she was doing. Neil wasn't going to do her the favor of admitting defeat, so he stretched and reached for the glass again.

"With pleasure." He replied mockingly with a small wink. Claire gently extended the glass for him to toast, and Neil knew there was no turning back. So he didn't let on how reluctant he was to admit defeat and raised the glass to his lips. Claire never took her eyes off him, so he maintained his confident facade.

He took the first sip and tried to embrace it. It was ... surprisingly not bad. He'd expected the consistency to be the thing that would bring him to his knees, but it was relatively similar to a smoothie. Neil licked his lips, feeling the smooth taste on his tongue.

 

"And?" Claire asked curiously. Neil watched her intently before answering.

 

"Hmm. Actually, not bad." He began, examining the drink in his hand. "But I'm not a fan of chocolate." Claire chuckled.

 

"I know." She replied simply, holding out her glass. Neil raised an eyebrow, and she dared him to take it. He did as he's been told, and they swapped glasses. "You've never been a fan of chocolate, I know. I was just teasing you." Claire said, sipping from his glass instead. Neil couldn't help but smile as he tasted her fruity drink. He nodded in amazement.

 

"This is actually pretty good." Claire gave him a slight wink that made his heart skip a beat.

 

A comfortable silence fell over them, both focused on their own thoughts as the room filled with more and more people. Neil noticed that almost every new person came up to Claire and greeted her enthusiastically, each happy to see her. He had the feeling again that he'd never seen her like this before. Free.

Even though it was relatively crowded, the air getting increasingly stuffy, it was pleasant to sit here with her, without any uncomfortable tension, without any expectations. Just togetherness.

After she'd finished talking to a young man, she turned a little more in Neil's direction and studied him. Her gaze was hard to interpret; she didn't seem to know exactly what she was thinking at that moment. She cleared her throat quietly and leaned forward a little.

 

"Well, it must have been pretty difficult being off work for so long," she said finally, her voice emotionless. Neil glanced at her, noticing the unspoken question between her words. He took a deep breath. The time had come, the conversation he'd been waiting for so long, the conversation she'd probably been waiting for just as long. Now was the right time.

 

"You'd be surprised. Not as many people rely on me as I thought." He said with a chuckle, knowing full well that it had been incredibly difficult for Audrey to replace him so suddenly. After all, Claire didn't know that Neil had only made the final decision to embark on this trip today last night. His boss, Dr. Lim, probably could have thought of much better, but his friend Audrey hadn't hesitated for a second.

Claire didn't answer immediately; she just hummed and sipped her glass. For a moment, she stared into her drink, and Neil could sense her hesitation. It was strange how easy it was for him to read her face in that moment - just like before. She didn't seem to be making a secret of it. When she looked up again, there was something in her eyes that Neil recognized immediately. She was cautious.

 

"And no one's giving you a hard time because you're disappearing to another country?" Her voice was casual but cautious, and even if she tried to hide the undertone, it was clearly audible. He knew why she was asking. She wanted to know what Nicole thought about him being there. For a brief moment, he considered his answer, but decided to boldly jump in to lighten the mood.

 

"Well, it's not like I plan on staying here for four months and then coming home." Claire gave him a cold look, and he backpedaled a little, shrugging.

"Though I'm pretty sure Park is already counting the seconds until I get back. The poor guy must be completely lost without me." He replied pointedly, earning a warm laugh from Claire. He grinned before taking a sip of his fruity drink. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. For a split second, he couldn't suppress the urge and watched her movement intensely. His gaze lingered on her long, bare legs for a moment too long, so long that images played in his head that he'd rather not have at that moment. At least not yet. He cleared his throat and leaned back as well. When he turned his gaze to her, he noticed that she was already looking at him. Damn. Had she caught him staring now?

But before he could say anything, she tilted her head.

 

"Since when have you two been so close?" Neil hesitated for a moment, trying to remember what they'd just been talking about. Luckily, he remembered after a few seconds, quickly enough that it probably wasn't noticeable that his mind had been elsewhere.

 

"I don't know," he finally answered, trying to remember when he'd started considering Alex a friend. He couldn't pinpoint an exact moment; it had simply developed over the past few months.

"I mean, after you came back from your trip, we started hanging out more often." Claire nodded, remembering that time.

 

"Right, but I didn't really realize you were best friends back then." Her voice had its usual playful tone, but her gaze betrayed no emotion. Neil tilted his head slightly and clasped his hands together.

 

"We weren't, I don't know. I think after you left, we spent more and more time together and just got along well. I like him, he's a good guy." When he looked up, he saw Claire's wide grinning face, the corners of his mouth twitched.

"What?" Claire folded her arms in front of her chest.

 

"So you were trying to replace me." She joked. Neil snorted and shook his head in amusement. There was probably some truth to that, but he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of admitting it.

 

"You wish.“ Claire shrugged with a grin, and Neil chuckled.

"I mean, at least I've had more time for other people since you left. I suddenly had no one to go jogging with or get down with at bowling." Claire gave him a blank look, and he had the feeling she might have taken the remark the wrong way. At this thought, he frowned and cleared his throat to ease the tension that seemed to be building between them.

"He reminds me of you a bit," he added with a chuckle, and Claire raised an eyebrow.

 

"Really?" Neil nodded, amused. In fact, he had seen many similarities between them, which was perhaps why he had gotten along so well with both of them. Once he got to know Alex better, he had opened up more and more, countering his cheeky remarks almost as well as Claire, no longer shy about speaking his mind, and most importantly, being there for him when he needed him. Claire shook her head, giggling.

 

"Maybe go for someone more your age."

Neil frowned, considering how to counter. He knew she liked to tease him about his age, especially on his birthdays when he got worked up about turning another year older. When she was in a particularly cheeky mood, she'd tease him about the gray in his hair, and Neil would always roll his eyes. He knew she wasn't serious. When they'd had serious conversations about how much he felt like he was running out of time in his life or that the best days of his life were already behind him, she always put him at ease and reminded him that age was, after all, just a number.

 

He particularly remembered the night at the bar when, after a successful surgery, she'd had a few too many drinks and was already so tipsy that her tongue was looser than usual. That evening, she'd constantly complimented him on his looks and confessed that she found the gray in his hair strangely attractive. "You aged like fine wine," she'd said, and he wished that evening had taken place later in their relationship; then he probably would have had the courage to engage, to flirt back. Who knows how that evening would have ended. But that had been relatively early in their friendship, before the favorites complaint had been made, and at that point, it wouldn't have even occurred to him to respond to his drunken resident's flirting attempts. Of course, he still hadn't let it stop him and had teased her about it at every subsequent opportunity, making her blush every time.

He grinned.

 

"You're only as old as you feel." He finally answered, quite casually. Claire smiled and nodded slightly.

 

"And that makes you ...?"

 

"Thirty-five, max." She laughed exuberantly at his answer, which warmed Neil's heart. He let a heavy breath escape his lungs. He loved this moment with her. Somewhere, in a foreign country, far from home and all its problems and worries. Just the two of them, laughing together as if nothing had ever come between them.

 

When their laughter died down, Neil felt the tension return to his body. The small, cowardly part of him wanted to delay the inevitable for a moment longer.

 

"Speaking of Park," he began, bringing her attention back to him. "What are you hiding from me?" he asked mischievously, and she chuckled before shaking her head.

 

"Nope." Neil chuckled too, even though he still wondered what she wasn't telling him. He'd get it out of her, though, he was sure.

"So ... Alex wants to go back to therapy. Are there any other ... important life updates?" Neil thought about what he could tell her, but before he could reply, she cleared her throat, her muscles visibly tense. "No wedding invitations lost in the mail?" She tried to make it as casual as possible, but the tone in her voice betrayed her.

Neil was silent, just for a second. It was subtle, so subtle she might have missed it if she hadn't been Claire, but she noticed.

 

"If that's the case, I'm not invited either," he replied cheekily, but noticed the look on her face. She was asking him directly about Nicole now - well, she was tiptoeing around it, but it was obvious what she was asking. Neil hesitated and straightened his back. He avoided her gaze and decided to be completely open.

"And if you're asking about Nicole and I." He raised his gaze and met hers directly. There was something in her eyes that made it almost painful to look into them. Was it hope? Was it fear? Was it love? Something in between? He couldn't tell.

"We're not together. Not anymore."

Her muscles visibly relaxed as the air left her lungs. But she said nothing, and Neil took another sip of his glass - probably out of habit, hoping the alcohol might give him the courage he was missing. But well, unfortunately, it wasn't alcohol.

"It's been over for a while," he added, watching her closely. Her eyes flicked all over his face, as if trying to understand what he was saying and how he felt about it. Maybe she'd see that he'd been relieved to have finally said it. Maybe she'd see the anticipation in his eyes that had come with the words. She sighed heavily.

 

"I'm sorry," she said finally. Neil didn't look away, but he couldn't make sense of her expression; she wasn't giving anything away.

 

"I’m not." He answered truthfully. The corners of his mouth twitched as he noticed the sparkle in her eyes, which she tried to hide by averting her gaze. She bit her lip lightly. So lightly that he almost hadn't noticed. But he had. And he liked it. It made his thoughts wander into a daze of images of warmth, touch, closeness, kisses ...

The silence that fell between them was pleasant, bringing back the familiar tension between them. But it wasn't like lately, awkward silences where each wondered what they could have said, where they hadn't even managed to look at each other. It was the kind of tension they'd fought for so long, and it was now a welcome home.

It was a feeling like finally being able to sleep in your own bed again after a long journey, like rain after an endless dry period, like the scent of spring after a never-ending winter. This time he didn't want to fight it and simply let it happen, letting himself be taken over by the feeling that seemed to draw him to her. The exciting butterflies in his stomach that made it almost impossible to concentrate on anything else, his heart pounding in his chest, his throat drying out, and the need to finally be close to her. He watched as she ran her finger over the rim of her glass, her gaze following the movement as if she were afraid to look at him, to face what was building between them again. Because they both knew in that moment that this was different from all the times before. There was nothing that could stand in their way now. Nothing, except themselves.

 

Neil cleared his throat, eager to lighten the mood a bit, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. Claire watched him closely but didn't say anything for the time being.

 

"Okay, since we're being completely honest now, I want to ask you something." She inhaled sharply, her body visibly tensing, but she tried not to let it show. "And you have to be honest," he added in an unusually serious tone that made Claire recoil almost imperceptibly.

 

"Okay," she said, her voice quiet and cautious. Neil nodded slightly and took a heavy breath, careful to choose his next words wisely.

 

"I've been thinking a lot lately, and one thing just doesn't make sense to me." Claire nodded slightly, but her expression remained serious as she leaned toward him. Neil swallowed his grin, trying to drag the situation out as long as possible.

"Hmm." He murmured, bracing his face with his hand, his gaze never leaving her. It was obvious she wasn't comfortable under his gaze; she shifted restlessly in her chair. Neil took a few more seconds before deciding to relieve her.

"Be honest - you never thought I was an idiot."

Claire grimaced, unable to fully follow his train of thought. It took a moment for her to regain control of her expression, but long enough to elicit a crooked smile from Neil.

 

"Excuse me?" she finally asked, completely perplexed. Neil had known it would have been impossible for her to know what he was referring to, but he swallowed a chuckle and gave a slight nod instead.

 

"You once told me you used to think I was an idiot, back when you were a resident. But you didn't." Claire gave him a long, unimpressed look as she tried to realize what he wanted from her. Her body still visibly relaxed, her muscles considerably looser than a moment before. She stretched her legs forward and leaned back in her chair.

 

"Yes, I did." Neil just grinned and nodded slightly. Claire's eyebrow lifted slightly, and he shrugged.

 

"Not buying it.“ She said nothing, tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. She could certainly see the twinkle in his eyes that always came when he teased her.

 

"You were an idiot." She clarified again, but Neil wasn't convinced. He picked up his glass and sipped, looking at her over the rim.

 

"Then why were you flirting with me?" As soon as he said it, he could see the red color spreading across her cheeks. Got you.

 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Neil nodded smugly.

 

"Sure."

If he had to be honest, he'd never been hundred percent sure what she thought of him - back then, he simply hadn't cared. She was just another resident, admittedly a young, beautiful woman, but not the kind of person he hadn't seen come and go several times over the years. Of course, he still wasn't blind; even though he'd been engaged, he'd picked up on her gestures. The way she giggled when he said something even vaguely funny, the way she played with her hair when she spoke to him, the way she smiled at him - he'd taken it for nothing more than what it was; harmless flirting.

A part of him enjoyed the attention and couldn't stop himself from giving her a wink every now and then. It had been nothing new to him; many young women he'd worked with had flirted with him, which he wasn’t mad at, but he hadn't found particularly appealing either. He knew he was good-looking, but he was always unsure what women hoped to achieve with it. Well, with Claire, it had been different, like everything else. While other people's attempts at flirting had left him cold, he had to admit that he'd felt flattered every time she made eyes at him. And even if he wouldn't even have admitted it in court, he'd had to think about those little moments for longer and longer. Of course, that all came to an end when she stood up to him and he kicked her off her team. He was pretty sure she actually thought he was an idiot at the time, to put it nicely, but that was another story.

 

Neil noticed she was still staring at him, her face unmoved. His grin grew even wider.

 

"What? You thought I didn't notice?" he teased, and she raised an eyebrow.

"I did." He sipped his drink, slowly lowering his gaze. "And I liked it." He knew what that would trigger in her; he'd made comments like that over the past few years - hinting that she had a crush on him or found him irresistible. Of course, it had always been in joke, at least until now.

 

And it had always had the same effect - she'd blush and then say things like,

"You're out of your mind." Yup. He knew this game they played far too well, and he enjoyed every single second of it. He knew she was too; it was clearly visible on her face every time. Like this time, when the corners of her mouth twitched even though she tried to keep a straight face. He slumped back against the backrest and sighed, watching her for a moment.

 

"So ... what's flutterball?" he asked, trying to lighten the mood a bit, and she raised her eyebrow, a smile playing around her lips.

 

"How do you know about it?" He just shrugged.

 

"A magician never reveals his secrets." Claire narrowed her eyes, studying him carefully.

 

"You met Rosi, huh?" Neil bit his lip and raised his hands defensively.

 

"Maybe, maybe not." Claire gave him a warm smile, which ultimately elicited a nod of affirmation. She probably could have gotten anything from him if she just kept looking at him like that. "She looks really good." Now it was Claire's turn to nod, before humming with satisfaction.

 

"It's a ball game we invented a few months ago. Paulo injured his leg and couldn't play soccer anymore, and then he literally lost it." Claire's laughter seemed to fill the entire room, a soft, warm sound that Neil would have sold his soul to the devil for. "So we just invented a game that doesn't require your legs. I'm honestly not even sure I fully understand the rules, but oh well. It's fun."

Neil could imagine it as if he were there himself - Claire inventing a game that the whole village played together. That was the kind of person she was.

 

"You look happy," he noted again, watching her as she spoke. Her eyes sparkled, the smile so wide on her lips that little dimples formed in her cheeks.

 

"I am," she said, and from the tone of her voice, Neil could tell she was telling the truth. "For the most part." He nodded, grimacing slightly as he realized it was now time to ask the most important questions, the questions that would determine his fate, the questions he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answers to.

 

"What's changed?" Claire raised an eyebrow, Neil gave her a gentle smile. "What's changed since the last time we spoke? You told me you weren't really comfortable here. But now you're happy. So, what's changed?"

Claire sighed slightly, her hands open in her lap, but Neil noticed her start to play with her fingers - as she always did when she was nervous.

 

"I don't know," she began, her voice breathless. "I think I just let it happen. I really let myself get involved with the place." She hesitated as their eyes met. Neil nodded slightly, which encouraged her to continue.

"Before I visited San José, everything felt so foreign, probably because my heart was still at home. I couldn't feel comfortable here because there was still so much I was closing my eyes to." She sighed as she looked away. "When I came back, it was like I'd left all that behind because of ... the things that had happened. And when I did, this place felt more like a safe haven than a place I could simply escape to. I wanted to be here. I don't know if this makes sense."

Neil nodded, his gaze stubbornly fixed on her.

 

"It does." He murmured, and Claire gave him a slight, meaningless smile. He sighed and swallowed all the things he could have said, deciding to focus on the important thing.

"Morgan told me about your phone call." Claire's gaze was surprised when it met his. Her eyes were full of emotion, even if Neil couldn't quite place it. "You said this was home to you. That you've never felt more at home than here. Is that true?"

For a moment, she said nothing. A moment that stretched on so long, Neil felt like it would never end. His throat was dry as he searched her eyes for answers, for certainty, but he didn't find it. She shrugged.

 

"To a point, yes, I suppose." Neil's chest tightened, but he tried not to let it show. His erratic nod didn't seem to be particularly convincing, because Claire stared at her hands and sighed.

"It was always so hard for me in San José. There was always something bothering me. My mother, her accident, the guilt." She shook her head, as if trying to shake off the unpleasant memories. "Then there was Jared and ... you." Their eyes met again, and she held his gaze for a second longer than necessary before sighing.

"There was always something weighing on me. But here ... I don't have that. Here I'm just me and I help where I can. I like the people here, but it's different. It's somehow easier for me to belong here. My whole past is gone, I'm just ... here."

 

Neil let her words sink in, leaned back, and looked away. He understood what she meant, but it still felt like a stab in the heart. Things that weighed on her, and he was one of them. At the thought, he gritted his teeth, his jaw clenched. All he'd ever wanted was to be there for her and help her through her difficult times, to make her laugh, and to watch her become a happy and successful person. But he'd contributed to her suffering, simply because he'd been stupid and selfish. He sighed and looked up. Claire was still looking at him, not accusingly as he'd expected, but with warmth.

 

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he said finally, and it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders the moment the words left his lips. It wouldn't make up for the things he'd done, or rather, hadn't done, but she deserved those words.

Claire gave him a gentle smile but shook her head.

 

"You didn't hurt me." Her voice was sincere and free of judgment. Neil snorted.

 

"Well. I'm glad. But I think that's not true." Claire's features softened, and she leaned forward slightly.

 

"I mean it. You just …" At that moment, she was approached by a young man who, if Neil understood correctly, wanted her chair because his friends were sitting at the table next to her. Claire hesitated for a moment before nodding and standing up. Neil gave her a questioning look, but after just a few seconds, she had collected herself and sat down next to him on the bench. The sudden proximity to her gave Neil a tingling feeling in his stomach. It felt right in a way, even though she still kept a certain distance from him. He looked ahead to stop himself from reaching out for her. Claire sighed.

"You didn't hurt me, you just confused me." She finally admitted, and Neil just nodded. He could definitely imagine that the signals he'd sent had been anything but clear.

He leaned back into the bench, their shoulders almost touching, but he kept his gaze forward.

 

"How so?" he asked, needing the truth. Claire played with a strand of hair that had escaped from her tight braid, her gaze fixed on her fingers as if she herself didn't know where to begin. She took a deep breath.

 

"When I left, you had feelings for me, I know that now." Neil nodded, the lump in his throat heavy. "You said I could always come back and there would always be a place for me." Neil looked over his shoulder and caught her eye for a brief moment.

 

"There is." She smiled, but it wasn't a genuine smile.

 

"Yeah, I think I just thought it meant something different." She shrugged. She'd apparently taken it as a promise that he would wait for her, that there would have been a place by his side, no matter how long she'd been gone. And he'd meant it, or at least that's what he'd thought, but he'd realized very quickly that that hadn't been possible. Waiting for her return ... He grimaced.

"When I came back and you were with Nicole, I thought I'd just imagined everything between us. That maybe my feelings had been one-sided, which was why you hadn't told me about the relationship." Neil sighed, but let Claire finish the thought, knowing there was nothing he could say that would have changed the situation.

"And that would have been okay, but then there was ... that situation in the park."

 

Neil searched for her gaze again, but she had turned slightly away from him, her leg bouncing restlessly. It took all his strength not to reach for her knee and calm her down.

 

"Claire, I know - " She gave him a quick smile, which immediately silenced him. He nodded.

 

"It was confusing. I felt like I was getting between you two, ruining something, since you seemed serious about her." She shrugged. "Since you didn't contact me after that, I thought you just dismissed it as a mistake, and I don't know. I was afraid to contact you again because ..." She hesitated, and Neil felt his heart shatter into pieces. The thought that she hadn't dared to contact him ... The fear of rejection that had kept him from contacting her had been much worse for her. Because she felt like he'd already decided against her.

"... because I was afraid of what you'd say. And now ... here you are." Neil sighed and wiped his face with his hand. God, how blind could he have been? He shook his head and turned his upper body toward her.

 

"Claire ..." he murmured, still not quite sure what he should have said. "I understand why you felt that way. I was just ... overthinking. A lot." A small smile crept onto her lips as she nudged him lightly with her knee.

 

"You don't say." Neil shook his head, his brows furrowed.

 

"No, I mean it. I really have overthought this. I'm pretty sure I'm half the reason Park wants to go back to therapy." Claire gave him a warm, quiet laugh, and his muscles relaxed involuntarily. He sighed heavily.

"We've overthought this." Claire placed her hand on his forearm, just for a moment. He felt his skin tingle beneath her touch, his heart suddenly beating much too fast. When he turned to look at her, the light reflected in her eyes. A small smile on her lips.

 

"I know." She said, so quietly he almost didn't hear it. When she pulled her hand back, Neil let the air out of his lungs. He didn't look away, searching her face for even the slightest movement. He felt lighter now that they were a little more open with each other again. It reminded him of the last few months, how difficult everything had been between them.

 

"I don't like it when your walls are up like that with me." He said, almost a whisper. He hadn't had to elaborate; she had felt it just as much as he had, how much she had shut him out, and vice versa. His eyes were still lost in the sight of her; a sweet sadness reflected in her eyes as she exhaled heavily.

 

"Me neither." She replied, and in those few words, Neil could sense that she had let go of those very walls in that moment. She had probably missed it just as much as he had - talking openly with each other, feeling understood by each other. He closed his eyes, the weight of this moment weighing heavily on him.

"Want to talk somewhere private?" he heard her ask, and immediately opened his eyes, caught by her gaze again. He nodded.

 

"I'd like that."

Notes:

I really had so much fun writing this. I'm glad to finally be able to play up their flirty side again. I think the conversation has gone more or less well. But there are definitely still a few things to be clarified, a few secrets to uncover.

And omg, can you imagine how hot it would've been for them to speak spanish together?

The next chapter will have something for absolutely everyone; it's going to be a rollercoaster, in a good way. 😶‍🌫️🤭

Chapter 14: Us

Notes:

I know it says it's the last chapter, but don't worry. Just read the notes at the end.

And yes, it's very long. I couldn't hold back. Sorry (not sorry). 😶‍🌫️

 

---

 

When they stepped back outside, it was considerably more pleasant than before. The sun had already set, taking the day's hot temperatures with it. The night sky was starry, the breeze fresh on their skin, the music growing quieter and quieter, becoming a distant background noise the further they walked.

Neil sighed with relief. It was like a symbol of his inner life. Before, it had been exhausting, almost overwhelming him, but now that the doors were open and the first important things had been addressed, it was as if he could finally breathe again.

It was quiet between them at first, neither of them quite sure what to say, and Neil dared to glance at her. The moonlight was playing with her beautiful features, casting soft shadows over her face. She was breathtaking.

 

"So, where are we going?" he asked timidly, and Claire raised her gaze, briefly examining him. Her eyes sparkled, the moonlight reflecting off them made them shine even brighter than before. He could have lost himself in the view, and he probably wouldn't have even minded if it were the only thing he saw for the rest of his life.

 

"I thought I'd show you where I live," she said, her voice a little reserved before a smile crept onto her lips. "Even though it probably seems almost pathetic compared to your luxury villa." Neil saw the small dimples forming in her cheeks and chuckled.

It had almost distracted him from the fact that she wanted to take him home with her. Nervousness was spreading through him, even though he didn't really know why. It didn't mean anything, did it? She just wanted to talk to him in peace, probably not even realizing how intimate the offer was. He'd just been so caught up in his own thoughts that his mind went straight back in that direction as soon as she said it. She just had that influence on him, she always had.

Neil cleared his throat, trying to clear his head. She was probably waiting for a sharp comment from him, at least that's what her questioning look suggested. He kept his gaze forward, and shortly after, the moment was gone.

He looked up at the moon and it reminded him of the last time he'd walked side by side with her; the night in the park that had almost changed everything. The memory almost made him flinch, especially now that he knew how Claire had felt. He sighed.

 

"Look ..." he began hesitantly, breaking the silence between them. Claire raised her gaze and watched him out of the corner of her eye. "I hope you know that it was never my intention to hurt you or push you away."

 

"You didn't -" Neil shook his head.

 

"I know. But I just want you to know that it absolutely wasn't my intention either. Even if it might not seem like it to you, I've always wanted the best for you." He felt the lump in his throat, almost taking his breath away. It was almost pathetic, really, how hard he'd tried to do everything right and how much he'd done wrong. Their eyes met, and she nodded slightly, but said nothing. Neil swallowed hard.

"I've made a lot of mistakes lately. If I'm honest, I don't really recognize myself anymore."

As soon as he'd said those words, he realized how much truth there was in them. Sure, he'd been aware that the reserved way he'd approached things was completely unlike him, and that he usually wore his heart on his sleeve. But until now, he hadn't realized how much he'd ruined himself. He barely liked himself anymore, and that wasn't like him either.

Claire hesitated for an eternity before sighing heavily and shaking her head. Neil didn't dare look at her, afraid of seeing the pain in her eyes again, the insecurities. But when she almost stopped, he did the same.

 

"Neil ... you're not a bad person. I know that, and you know that too." He caught her gaze, and the warmth in it radiated to his heart. "I never thought you were. Stop beating yourself up, I didn't handle it well either. Like I said, it was complicated." They had come to a complete stop, their eyes locked. There was a strange feeling of familiarity between them. As if all the walls between them had fallen, for good.

Claire was the first to look away, staring down at her shoes.

"I'm going to deny I ever said that," she began. "But I like your cocky attitude much more. So you can stop apologizing. I mean it. You're here now, and that means a lot to me."

Her hand reached out to him, and for a second he just stared, unable to move. But then he reached out and for a brief moment, he held her hand in his. Warm, comforting. Like a bandage on a deep wound that was slowly beginning to heal. He lost himself in her gaze, in her eyes, illuminated by the moon. His heart beat a little faster, a warm, comforting pounding against his ribcage, reminding him of what her touch could trigger in him. The corners of his mouth twitched slightly, wanting to show her how much it meant to him that she could allow him close again, at least a little. His eyes flickered to her lips for a brief moment, so seductive and beautiful.

She looked up at him and gave him a slight, sincere smile before she withdrew her hand and turned to move on. For just a brief moment, he stopped and stared after her before catching up with her again.

They walked side by side again, but Neil felt like he was walking on clouds - lifted by the softness of her voice, by the feeling her smile evoked in his chest. He shook his head again, as if he simply couldn't understand how he'd made her wait so long, so many times he'd let her go, and she'd felt as if he were pushing her away. He was all the more grateful that he was here now, that he'd finally overcome his fears and had the opportunity to be close to her. A gentle smile spread across his face.

"Why didn't you tell me how you felt back then?" he asked cautiously. She hesitated before raising an eyebrow.

 

"When exactly?" He wished she'd been able to gather the strength he couldn't find within himself and take the first step toward him every time. He'd never would've been able to push her away if she'd been open with him. But he couldn't blame her for not doing it, he hadn't either.

 

"I don't know. Before you left." Claire sighed before laughing humorlessly. She shook her head and gave him a skeptical look.

 

"I don't know, maybe because I didn't want to be the girl who fell in love with her boss?" she answered sarcastically, and Neil's heart skipped a beat. Love. He knew he loved her and he knew she felt something for him too, but could it really be love? Was he really lucky enough that this woman had ... fallen in love with him? Yes, there was something, on her side too, but Claire had told him many times that she had never felt love in her life, neither from her family nor from her partner.

 

"Well, no one could have blamed you," he finally said, trying to ease the tension between them a little. Claire chuckled before glancing over her shoulder.

 

"What, because you're so handsome?" Neil grinned at her words, her expression amused and relaxed.

 

"I'm really becoming too predictable, aren't I?" he asked, intending to answer with just that. Claire returned his grin and shrugged.

 

"Maybe a little."

They let the moment linger, the pleasant warmth between them seeming to draw them even closer. Almost involuntarily, they walked close together, so close that they bumped into each other every now and then, and Neil had to restrain himself from taking her hand. He already missed her hand in his. It had been a natural feeling, as if they were somehow meant to be connected. The butterflies that had formed in his stomach at her touch had already made him addicted, and all he wanted was to be close to her again. He was almost certain she wouldn't mind, perhaps because she occasionally touched him as if by accident, as their fingers brushed against each other, perhaps because he saw her slight smile in the corner of his eye.

But the next moment, it was gone; she folded her arms in front of her chest, her gaze becoming more serious but no less warm.

"And maybe I was just scared," she admitted, and Neil frowned in concern.

 

"Of what?" She exhaled, a sound between a laugh and a sigh leaving her lips.

 

"From exactly what happened. That it would ruin what was between us." Claire gave him a quick glance, sadness reflected in her eyes. He sighed and nodded. "You were good for me. I liked who I became when I was with you." Warmth spread in his chest, the corners of his mouth twitched. It was a relief that she had felt that way about him, that perhaps he had actually achieved what he had set out to do - to be a support to her.

He thought back to the time when they had been that to each other - support.

 

"You were good for me too." He said with a gentle smile, which she immediately returned. She knew he had felt that way, he was sure of it. He had made no secret of it back then, had told her directly that she made him a better surgeon ... and a better person. Because it had been true, and he'd noticed it even then. That she'd often been the only reason he smiled during the day, that she'd given him strength when he'd been close to giving up. Even when they'd kept their friendship secret, it had given him so much that he wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world. Damn, how could he not have fallen in love with her, all that time ago? She'd been his light, every single day, and even on the day his life could have ended. His heart clenched at the thought. It was no wonder he'd been so lost since Claire left. She'd been his compass, and he'd lost himself completely, trying to stay away from her.

 

Claire raised her eyes and met his. They shared a smile without saying anything. Suddenly, it was easy to communicate again, without words. She sighed.

 

"I didn't want to ruin what we had with feelings that I was sure would disappear again. It always ends the same way. And I didn't want that for us." Neil nodded understandingly, because he'd had a similar experience. The last thing he'd wanted was to destroy what had been between them. Of course, he'd somehow managed to do it anyway, as he always did.

 

"I know what you mean," he admitted, wiping his face with his hand. "It was the same for me. I mean, I'd already had two relationships in this hospital, and there was always so much pressure. I couldn't imagine it working out. Especially when I was still your attending." Now Claire nodded, and Neil was sure she'd understood why he'd never taken that step toward her. "And even after that ... a relationship strictly by protocol ... I didn't want to expose you to that. Or I was sure it wouldn't have been worth it for a relationship that would probably have ended eventually anyway." Claire laughed, and Neil raised an eyebrow.

"What's there to laugh about?" he asked seriously, but the small wrinkles in the corners of his eyes betrayed that he was ready to drag the whole thing back into the familiar humor. Claire shook her head.

 

"Nothing. But don't you think we're too young to be so cynical?" Neil chuckled too and nodded before sighing. Even before the whole thing with Claire, he had slowly given up hope for love. Of course, his grief had spoken through it; it hadn't been easy for him to see Jessica leave; breaking off an engagement would probably have been difficult for anyone to bear. But for him, a romantic at heart, it was even worse; he felt like this would have been his only chance at true love. Then came Audrey, and for a while it had been a comfort; they had found support in each other. But as soon as something seemed to be developing between them, she had ended it again. She had chosen her career over him. He probably would have done the same, if he had been honest, but that hadn't made the pain any easier. And then Claire came along, and he hadn't allowed that to happen from the start, no matter how much he had wanted to. Nicole had been another glimmer of hope, like finding the light in the darkness, but in the end, that had been more show than substance. Even though he was to blame for that doomed relationship in this case, that hadn't made it any less final. Because Claire had repeatedly resurfaced in his subconscious, never leaving his heart. He had probably simply tempted fate too often.

 

He had been cynical, that was true. He no longer wanted to believe that he deserved love; he couldn't. The past had proven him wrong too often. But now it was different. Neil was no longer cynical, but hopeful. With everything that had happened between them, he was certain that she was the one. The one for him. The one who justified all the pain, all the insecurities. The one he wanted to spend his life with, for whom he would leave no stone unturned.

He knew it hadn't been easy for Claire. She came from a household without love, and it had taken her a long time to even understand how much she was worth, not just in general, but also to the people around her. He had never been able to understand how she couldn't have had someone in her life who had seen in her what he saw. It wasn't even hidden; she wore it openly - her beauty, inside and out. Family situations could be difficult; no child deserved to go through what she had to go through. It wasn't her fault, it was never the childs fault. That made it all the more impressive that Claire had managed to develop the way she did despite the circumstances. That she had become one of the best doctors Neil had ever known. She certainly carried many scars from her past, and he wasn't sure that would ever change. Still, it was more than time she finally experienced what it was like to be loved, unconditionally. Simply because.

He knew Claire hadn't been in many relationships. During her school years, there had always been boys she'd been interested in, but it had never been reciprocal. Until she met a boy she thought was actually serious about her. She had been fifteen when she lost her virginity to him. Shortly after, he'd dumped her and shamed her, calling her a 'slut' in front of his friends. Another person who had betrayed her trust. As far as he knew, she'd dated guys from time to time during her college days, but it had never been anything serious. The first thing that had come even remotely close to a relationship was with Jared.

Claire didn't talk to him about Jared often. When he asked questions, she answered them tentatively, but she never sought out the conversation about him. Neil knew he'd left his mark on her as well, even though she'd insisted that it hadn't been serious until the end. The way she talked about it when she did, though, made Neil sure she'd wanted more with him. And then he, too, had dumped her.

And last but not least, there was him, who, while he'd had only the best intentions, had always made her feel like he'd be the next to leave. Like all the important people in her life before. He sighed at the thought, and Claire gave him a skeptical look.

 

"What?" she asked, a small smile still on her lips. Neil was glad that she didn't seem to be as affected by the conversation as he was, but he still found it hard to ignore the uneasy feeling in his stomach.

 

"Do you still trust me?" he asked hesitantly, watching as her face immediately darkened. He hadn't intended to take the conversation in a negative direction again, but he still wanted to know exactly where he stood with her. He knew she'd trusted him blindly before. She furrowed her eyebrows.

 

"I do." Neil gritted his teeth. The way she'd said it, he'd believe every word, but it still didn't register in his subconscious. Although she'd already told him not to be so hard on himself, he still found it difficult to admit to himself what he did to her.

She noticed he didn't respond and sighed.

"Look, no matter what happened, I trust you. Nothing has changed about how I feel about you. I was never angry at you either. I was angry at myself." Neil felt his shoulders immediately relax as he exhaled deeply. He'd decided not to overthink everything like that anymore, since that was what had ultimately gotten him into this situation. So he nodded and decided to believe her and try to forgive himself for the mistakes he'd made over the past year.

A small grin crept onto Claire's lips before she turned away.

 

"Okay, what now?" Neil asked amusedly as she turned back to him, her cheeks slightly flushed. He raised an eyebrow.

 

"I think I should tell you about the night I was with Morgan and Alex. Maybe then you'll stop putting yourself down." Claire's voice was a little less certain than her expression, and Neil hesitated. The way she said it didn't really suggest that anything bad had happened, something he wouldn't want to know. Curiosity was also greater than fear of the story at that moment, so he gave her a broad grin.

 

"Really?" She looked away again, a slight smile still on her lips, but her eyes were a little more serious than before. She took a few uneven breaths, and Neil could sense that she was wondering whether she had been right to bring it up. But the next moment, she nodded.

 

"Like I said, it had nothing to do with them. It had to do with what happened afterward." Neil managed a slight smile, even though he was sure it didn't come across as serious. Nervousness spread through him again, because no matter what she was about to say, it certainly wouldn't be a small thing, given how she'd been avoiding talking about it with him. Still, it was a good sign that she was open enough to talk about it now, wasn't it?

"It was strange for me to be back. I found out you were with Nicole, and I kept wondering if it was a good idea to meet up with you. After all, I assumed you were happy in your relationship and that my feelings would only cause chaos. And they did." She said with a humorless laugh.

 

"Claire ..." Neil began, but Claire interrupted him with a gentle smile.

 

"Anyway. I didn't tell them how I felt about the situation, but I think it showed a little." She sighed slightly. "But I was confused. I didn't know what to do, what the right thing was. Sounds familiar, maybe." She added playfully, and Neil laughed lightly before shrugging.

 

"Maybe a little." Claire gave him a warm, light laugh before shaking her head and taking another deep breath. Neil could practically feel her body tense, even though they weren't touching. He didn't want to force her to continue, didn't want to pressure her, so he allowed the brief moment of silence to fall over them. She took the time to collect herself, or perhaps she was gathering her courage before she continued.

 

"By the time I left, I was already on my way home. But something inside me resisted it. I wanted to ... I don't know." Her steps slowed down, and Neil adjusted. He wanted to grab her and shake her until every word fell out of her mouth. In the few seconds that she had been speaking, countless scenarios had already formed in his head about how the conversation could have gone. Each one worse than the last.

 

"It's okay. You can tell me," he finally said instead, his voice warm and understanding. She gave him a brief, skeptical look, but nodded almost imperceptibly. A sigh escaped her lips, her arms tightly crossed across her chest.

 

"I thought, 'now or never.' And I wanted to tell you how I felt, even if that wouldn’t have changed anything. I just ... I felt like I couldn't leave it unsaid anymore."

Neil's heart skipped a beat before beating twice as fast. This was actually a completely different direction than he'd expected. The words caught in his throat, too stunned by her confession. He remembered the few days she'd been in San José, remembered his own emotional turmoil. He'd often wondered what Claire had felt. The situation in the emergency room when she'd met Nicole had been awkward, but afterward, Claire seemed like a different person. When they'd met at the bowling alley, she seemed so light as a feather, and even if she'd been disappointed that he hadn't told her about the relationship, she still seemed to understand.

 

"But ... you didn't tell me." Neil realized, the disappointment in his voice like a cold slash through the silence between them. Luckily, Claire didn't take it too seriously, just laughing briefly before shaking her head.

 

"No, I didn't." She gave him a quick look before shrugging. He could see she was distancing herself from what had happened that evening, her shoulders tense, even as she tried to mask it with her neutral expression. "I was outside your house. I stood there for maybe five minutes, debating whether I should actually do it." Her lips were pressed tightly together, and she mumbled a dissatisfied tone, as if she herself didn't like being reminded of that moment. "The light was on, and I thought, what if Nicole is here? And I think I lost my courage. So I left." Her gaze flickered over to him for a brief moment, but she averted it so quickly that he had no chance to catch it.

"So, now you know," she added with a humorless laugh, and Neil sensed her nervousness, even without it being in her voice. He chuckled.

 

"How romantic." She rolled her eyes and pushed him aside slightly, an uncertain smile on her lips. Neil couldn't help but grin from ear to ear. Sure, it hadn't been a pleasant experience for her, and he wished he'd never put her in such a situation, but it still warmed his heart to know that she'd longed for him just as desperately as the other way around.

Claire's steps slowed a little, and only then did Neil notice the small cabin not far from them. Compared to his bungalow, it was actually much larger and better built. Neil had a cheeky remark on his lips, but he swallowed it, as he'd actually been relieved. Surely Claire wouldn't have complained if she were only living in a small cabin like him, but he was glad that wasn't the case, that she actually had the opportunity to feel comfortable here.

Neil watched her out of the corner of his eye, his pace now considerably slower than before.

 

"I get why you didn't tell me." He finally said, her gaze flickering over to him for a brief moment before he exhaled heavily, a cheeky grin on his face. "But I really wish you did."

Claire stopped in front of her cabin, turned her back to the door, and folded her arms. Her gaze upwards was immediately caught by Neil's. She was smirking slightly, but there was something else in her eyes, something cheeky.

 

"Well, I wished for alot of things, too.“ She shrugged and turned to open the door. Neil swallowed hard. What she'd said sounded accusatory, reminding him of all the things he'd done wrong. But the way she'd said it ... he couldn't explain it, but there had been a teasing tone in her voice, it was almost like ... a challenge? For a split second, Neil allowed the thoughts to creep into his head; How he would grab her wrist and turn her around. How he would push her against the door, his body pressed tightly against hers, making all her unfulfilled desires come true. His throat went dry at the thought, his heart pounding in his chest.

But before he could even dwell on that thought, she had already disappeared through the door. He followed her without hesitation.

 

It was difficult to see anything in the room; it was dark, the only light coming through the door. Claire moved purposefully through the room, even without being able to see.

"Close the door," she demanded, and Neil turned around, let the door click shut, and searched for the lock. His eyes had already become relatively accustomed to the darkness, but at that moment, Claire turned on the lamp on the bedside table, making it much easier for Neil. He did as he was instructed and turned to Claire.

As soon as he looked at her, he felt the change in the air.

The only light illuminating the room was the small lamp Claire had just turned on, now framing her in warm, soft light. Something about the sight made Neil's heart race. Her gaze wouldn't leave him, building even more tension, and it seemed as if it would take his breath away. Claire seemed to feel it too, because she cleared her throat and made an inviting gesture across the room.

"So, this is it." Her words pulled him out of his trance, and his eyes began to discover the space.

It was considerably more comfy than the room Neil shared with Phillip. He noted with a chuckle that there were small signs of Claire everywhere in the room: her documents scattered somewhat messily on the desk at the end of the room, a ukulele sitting next to an old armchair. It painted a picture in Neil's mind of her sitting in the armchair in the evenings, playing her songs, lost in thought while she was looking out of the window, just as she always had been when she played the guitar. He smiled gently at the thought. As he looked further, he noticed the dictionary he had given her before she left, lying on the bedside table. He paused. She'd said herself that she didn't need it anymore, so it was probably lying next to her bed for another reason. Perhaps she had missed him as much as the other way around. Warmth spread through him, from head to toe, and he cleared his throat.

 

"You can play the ukulele?" he finally asked, his voice less confident than he would have liked. Claire followed his gaze and nodded.

 

"It's not so different from playing guitar." Her voice, too, lacked its usual confidence. She moved slowly across the room, her hand stroking the comforter of her bed as she walked by, her gaze fixed on the floor. Neil swallowed hard, the tension gripping his body almost unbearable.

"So, what do you say?" Claire asked as she stopped at her desk. Neil noticed she was leaving as much space between them as possible, but he was sure she felt the same way he did, at least if he interpreted her gaze correctly.

 

"It's ... nice." He replied, shoving his hands in his pockets, and Claire gave a slight nod. Neil felt the pull toward her, as if it were gravity pulling them together. His throat went dry, his eyes scanning the room for something to focus on, anything, because he felt like if he kept looking at her, his heart would explode. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Claire leaning against the desk, shifting her weight restlessly from one foot to the other.

 

"So ..." she began, drawing out the word. Neil had no choice now, so he raised his eyes and met hers, letting her captivate him. His muscles tensed, anticipating her next words. "You're here for Chase, huh?" she asked, the words coming out breathlessly. It was as if they'd flipped a switch in Neil as he took a small step toward her.

 

"I think my intentions were obvious," he said finally, the words hanging heavy in the air. It was as if the weight of what he'd said was crushing them, taking away all the air they could breathe. His heart was beating fast, so fast that he felt the next time he opened his mouth, it would jump right out. So he said nothing, his gaze fixed on her. There was a slight smile on her lips, but her body was visibly tense. Even from a distance, Neil could see her chest rise and fall heavily, matching his.

He dared another step, almost by accident, but his movements were almost clumsy. The distance between them suddenly seemed so painful, everything in him wanted to fight it. So, under her meaningful gaze, he took another step toward her. He didn't have to ask her what she was thinking or feeling - her body was an open book. It seemed as if they had made a decision in that brief moment, as if closing the door had left out everything that had previously kept them from being close, the force pulling them together could no longer be fought. No longer thinking about what this meant between them or what had happened between them freed them to surrender to what they wanted tonight, what they had always wanted.

As he took the final step toward her, he was close to her, could read her face, see her dilated pupils and the desire in her eyes. That alone would have been enough for him to completely forget about everything else for the rest of the night.

 

"You’re making me nervous." Claire admitted in a whisper, and her voice confirmed it. He heard the slight trembling, the words that were barely more than a breath. It wasn't fear, it was tension, tension he also felt, tension he finally wanted to be released from. He gave her a warm smile, his hand raised as if in a trance. The pounding of his heart was so strong he could hear it in his ears. Neil gently tucked a strand of hair that had fallen in her face behind her ear, letting his hand slide gently until it stopped at her neck.

 

"You make me nervous too," he said, feeling her rapid pulse beneath his fingertips. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, absorbing the moment. Her skin was warm and soft beneath his touch, her chest rising and falling irregularly. When she opened her eyes again, they met his, and he lost himself in them. They searched for answers, but in that moment there were no more questions, only desire and anticipation.

Neil expected her to say something, but she didn't; she just swallowed hard when her gaze fell on his lips. As if by reflex, he did the same, and it was as if he had no choice but to surrender to what seemed to be calling to him. He looked into her eyes one last time, but in that moment, he found no hesitation - that was all he needed. He took another small step forward, their bodies almost touching now. His finger gently stroked her neck, feeling the tension in her muscles.

She leaned toward him slightly; as subtle as the movement had been, he had sensed it. She longed for his touch as much as he longed for hers.

 

Neil leaned down slightly, their foreheads touching first. The sensation was barely there, just the light pressure of skin against skin, the warmth of her skin sending a slow burn down his back. Then, almost unnoticed, their noses brushed; A silent question, a moment of hesitation. He raised his gaze, making sure she was comfortable, but her eyes closed, expecting, ready. It was only a few more inches before their lips touched, and Neil closed his eyes, resigned to the fact that there was no turning back now. He gave in, and finally, he was close enough to her as their lips touched.

A hesitant pressure, warm and gentle, but enough to heat Neil's veins. His lips tingled at the touch, the feeling electric, spreading like a fire in his chest, strong and uncontrollable. His fingertips felt her heart skip a beat before it began to race. She barely moved, simply breathing him in, letting him be close. He felt her body relax, all the worry falling away at once. She exhaled against his mouth, and he felt it everywhere, the warmth of her breath ghosting over his skin. She lifted her hand and placed it gently against his chest, presumably feeling his heartbeat pressing strongly against her palms. Her fingertips seemed to burn through the fabric of his shirt, aware of every slight movement. Neil gained confidence from this and began to move his lips, demandingly, but slowly and gently. She went straight into it, their lips moving in perfect symphony. Her fingers curled slightly on his chest, anchoring herself, and he let a slow breath escape his mouth as he moved his free hand and placed it against her face, gently pulling her closer.

The softness of her lips, the warmth of her body so close to his, and the way her breath caught as he deepened the kiss a little sent a wave of heat to his abdomen.

His lips pressed against hers in a way that felt like they had always been meant to be.

 

His head was spinning, caught in a haze of growing arousal and completeness. He couldn't have dreamed that this day would end like this. Sure, he had wanted it, but he couldn't have imagined how much the feeling would overwhelm him. There were still many things that needed to be said, but in this moment, they had lost their importance. They both felt it, they both wanted it. Months, years of hesitation, of insecurities, all of it blurred and became a distant memory.

It wasn't as he had expected - the feeling of finally being close to her. It wasn't hasty, but demanding and longing. Discovering and exploring what had been building between them. As her lips moved gently against his, he questioned his sanity. How on earth could a man in the right state of mind make someone like Claire wait so long?

Her movements became more demanding as he gently pressed her against the table, but still so painfully slow that he felt each touch so intensely, and it drove him crazy. He'd never felt anything like this before - her warm breath on his face, her lips gently pressed against his, her hands demanding but steady on his chest; it was almost innocent, a direct opposite to what his mind was telling him at that moment. Claire sighed against his mouth as if it weren't enough for her, and soon her hands were moving, slowly but insistently, up his chest to his shoulders. Neil's skin tingled, burned, as she pulled him closer. Her tongue gently brushed over his lower lip, yearning for more; Neil's body responded immediately, tensing beneath her touch as he felt how much she craved his closeness. Without hesitation, he opened his mouth, meeting her halfway. The kiss deepened, almost desperately crying out for more, stealing his last breath and sending another hot wave through his body to his lower abdomen. They tasted each other, tasted each other's desire, making him moan softly, his breath caught, his body tingled. Their tongues danced with each other, passionately, warm and soft.

He let his hands wander, slowly, carefully, feeling every inch of her skin beneath his fingertips. His hand moved to her lower back, pulling her closer as they continued to lose themselves in each other. Her hand rested on the back of his neck, her fingers lightly running through his hair, goosebumps running all over his body. Their movements became calmer, slower, before their lips separated. He stayed close to her, pressing a few more small kisses against her lips and grinning as she followed his lips almost involuntarily. Neil gently placed his forehead against hers, keeping his eyes closed for a second longer, not ready for the moment to end, simply breathing her in. It had actually happened, no longer just a pleasant daydream or a lonely thought in the middle of the night; they had kissed, actually kissed. And what a kiss it had been. He almost shook his head, it had been so perfect. A small smile played on his lips as he carefully pulled away from her, just enough to look at her.

 

Her lips were slightly swollen, her cheeks reddened, her eyes almost closed and a little darker than before. Neil swallowed hard, unable to suppress the amorous grin. He raised his hand and placed it gently on her cheek, her skin warmed by the passion of the last few minutes. His finger gently stroked her skin as he simply looked at her.

"Nice chat." He managed to say, his voice breathless and heavy. The corners of her mouth twitched slightly, but her gaze said something else. His eyes flickered over her face, taking in every emotion. Oh. He saw it immediately.

No words were necessary to understand what she had to say to him. It flickered in her face, reflected in her eyes. The need, the desperate need of him, of release from what was boiling inside of her. She wasn't finished yet. He had seen that look on many faces, and each time it had triggered something in him. But seeing that very look in Claire's now changed something in him, demanded something from him. It had never meant as much as it did in that moment. The thought that his touch could give her what she craved made the blood in his veins burn.

Neil licked his lip gently, his gaze merging with hers. He had made her wait a long time, and it wouldn't occur to him to do so again.

 

He leaned forward again, capturing her lips in a gentle, short kiss, to which she immediately surrendered, content. He immediately realized that he had already become addicted to her, to her taste, to her touch, to her smell. He couldn't imagine ever being able to pull away from her again. Her body noticeably relaxed at their connection, and she sighed contentedly as Neil pulled away, his lips slowly moving to her cheek, touching every inch of her skin with small, gentle kisses. He moved further down, his lips brushing her neck, feather-light. She moved her head so he could find the right spots, and he gladly accepted the invitation. His hand moved to her neck, steadying her as he explored her throat, beginning to suck gently, noticing how her body responded to every little touch. She gave herself to him completely, putty in his hands, and that alone had been enough to drive him crazy. His hands moved to her hips, gripping gently but firmly, pulling her completely against him, needing to feel her, to let her feel him. He kissed gently over the spot where her pulse raced beneath his lips, and he lingered there for a moment, pressing open-mouthed kisses to that spot, feeling her body move restlessly beneath his hands, hearing every soft sound from her mouth that she was barely holding back.

He felt his arousal build as her hands gently rested against his torso, and he pressed himself against her, pushing her against the table. A soft moan escaped his mouth before he gently bit her neck, just enough to make her gasp. The sound was quiet but dangerous, and it made his body feel electric. He soothed the spot on her neck with his tongue before he began sucking again, her skin beneath his lips covered in goosebumps. Her breath hitched again as her hands found their way to his neck, pressing him closer to her, as if she hadn't expected this, as if she hadn't known he could make her feel this way.

"This feels so good," she whispered as her hands moved to his upper arms and clutched them, his muscles contracting at her touch. He smirked against the crook of her neck, aware that he would make her feel so much better tonight, and that this was just the beginning.

"God." Her breathy voice sent him into a sweet rush of arousal, his movements now guided solely by passion and excitement as he pressed against her, longing for the warmth of her body. His lips moved further to her shoulders, savoring every inch of her skin as they traveled further to her throat. His tongue glided gently over her muscles, making her moan before returning to her pulse point. This time he bit harder, driven by need, already addicted to the sweet sounds that left her lips in ecstasy. Her body jerked, and for a moment he worried he'd bitten too hard as she swallowed a moan. But then her hand moved demandingly to his hair, pulling him closer.

"Kiss me." She whispered and he didn't need to be told twice.

 

Their lips collided, more aggressive and desperate than before. Fast, uncontrolled movements, heavy breaths as he pushed her back and sat her down on the desk. Papers fell to the floor, but neither of them paid any attention as he positioned himself between her legs, which automatically closed around his waist. She pulled him even closer and moaned loudly as she felt his arousal, now openly pressing between her legs. Neil growled against her mouth as his hands roamed her back, exploring every inch of her body. His fingers darted under her top, feeling the hot, warm skin of her back. She was perfect. His lips never left hers, their connection as much emotional as physical. Claire let her hands roam as well, repeatedly stroking his torso down to his belt, and all the air caught in his throat. Her touch was impatient and eager, his mind on autopilot as he felt her fingers glide over his muscles. He could swear he was on fire, and he was savoring every single second. His hand continued to move purposefully down her body, toward her thighs, which were wrapped around him. With a firm grip, he grabbed her thigh, feeling her soft skin burning beneath his fingertips. Skin to skin, the feeling drove him crazy; he wanted to touch her everywhere at once, to get to know every inch of her body, to feel it, to taste it. His breathing became more and more uncontrolled, and the next moment she lightly bit his lower lip and pulled him closer, her hands already stopped on his belt, and that was the moment when everything inside him stopped.

Without hesitation, he grabbed the fabric of her top and pulled it over her head in one smooth movement. He took a moment to examine her, her now exposed skin, her perfectly round breasts rising and falling rapidly, hidden in a bra made of light fabric that perfectly accentuated her skin.

"God, you're beautiful," he said breathlessly, his eyes never leaving her. Claire smirked and eagerly pulled him back to her, their lips instinctively finding their way together, inviting each other to a dance, full of passion, yearning for more. It elicited a soft but eager moan from her as his hands moved slowly and exploratively over her bare skin, leaving goosebumps where they touched. She pressed herself against him, seemingly enjoying the feeling of him so close, and began working on the buttons of his shirts. His breathing became more uncontrolled as she suddenly pushed him away.

 

Perplexed and too aroused to think clearly, he stared at her with a raised eyebrow, his heart pounding in his throat.

In a hasty movement, she slid off the table and began unbuttoning her trousers. As if in a trance, he simply stared at her before Claire sighed in frustration and pointed at him.

"Take it off," she demanded, pointing at his shirt. Neil would have almost chuckled if the dominant tone of her voice hadn't driven him so mad.

 

"At your command.“ He murmured, grinning, and did as he was told, but couldn't tear his eyes away from her as she unzipped her trousers. And suddenly she was standing infront of him, wearing nothing but seductive lingerie. He could have sworn his jaw had dropped to the floor, his throat dry as he stared at her, eyes wide open. Every curve of her body in perfect harmony with her defined muscles. Okay, now he was sure this had to be a dream. She couldn't actually be that flawless; Even in his fantasies, he couldn't have painted a better picture. His mouth began to water; he was almost drooling as he imagined how this body would move, what sounds it might make ...

 

"Damn." She cursed, tearing him out of his thoughts and realizing he was still almost fully clothed.

 

"What?" he asked worriedly, still busy taking off his shirt, but slowing down, afraid she'd back out. Maybe they were moving too fast. Their eyes met, and she shook her head.

 

"I don't have any condoms here," she said, visibly disappointed. Neil chuckled as he pulled his shirt over his shoulders, finally revealing a bit of skin. He noticed her eyes flickering over his now bare torso and her immediately taking a small step toward him.

 

"I mean, I can just pull it out before … " He said with a grin, earning a deadly glare from Claire. Of course, he hadn't meant it seriously, but her reaction had definitely been worth it. The disappointment was clearly written all over her face, and Neil didn't know whether to find it sweet or erotic that she was so frustrated at the thought of not being able to sleep with him. Maybe both.

He watched her for a brief moment before licking his lips, swallowing the cheeky grin.

"Okay, at the risk of sounding cocky again ..." he began, and Claire frowned skeptically. He shoved his hand into his back pocket and pulled out the condom he'd packed before the trip. "... I was kind of hopeful when I came here," he added, holding the condom out to her. He certainly hadn't expected to sleep with her tonight, but he had had a certain naive hope, and he was always better prepared than not.

Claire grabbed the package and threw it toward the bed without hesitation. Neil followed the movement and grinned. As he turned to her, already with another cheeky remark on his lips, he was interrupted by her pressing herself against him with all her might, capturing his lips in an aggressive and passionate kiss. He felt the fire that seemed to burn his veins as his bare skin pressed against hers, almost relieved to finally feel the touch of her hands wandering over his bare back. A soft moan left his lips and his hands instinctively found her butt. She almost flinched as he kneaded it, eager and heated. He still couldn't believe he could finally touch her, without restraint; in fact, he even felt like nothing he was giving her at that moment was enough. He began to gently push her toward the bed and she understood immediately, adapting directly to his movement, almost leading him. When they were almost there, they stopped, her lips moving to his neck, much less gently than he had been a moment ago; with the full use of her teeth, she marked his soft skin. He certainly wouldn't complain; he closed his eyes and concentrated on the burning sensation that traveled from his neck straight to his lower abdomen. Claire's hands gently stroked his chest, down to his stomach, and stopped at his belt. Neil sucked in a breath as she finally got around to freeing him from his trousers. He was grateful; the trousers were now far too tight for him, who was already painfully hard. It didn't take long before she had them open, her lips moving further to his as she slipped them off his hip. This time more gently, she bit his lower lip, almost accidentally touching his member with her palm as her hands moved back to his torso. As if by reflex, he bit his lip, barely suppressing the loud groan as he felt the brief sensation he had so longed for.

 

She chuckled as she pushed him onto the mattress. He simply let himself fall, glad to have a moment to breathe. But when he opened his eyes again, he swallowed hard; the sight above him was far too tempting.

 

Claire was between his legs, her eyes scanning his entire body, her gaze dark and dangerous. Her hand reached for the lamp on the bedside table.

 

"Light on or off?" Neil stared at her, perplexed, as he sat up and grabbed her hand.

 

"Don't you dare," he answered breathlessly, pulling her towards him. He wouldn't miss the chance to see every part of her body that he would make tremble. She grinned and gladly accepted his invitation, finally sitting on him. They both moaned at the same moment their lower bodies made contact. He felt the heat radiating from her, and it almost made him harder when her hands wrapped around his neck. Claire let a loud moan escape her lips and tilted her head back. He gladly took the opportunity and buried his own moan in her neck. This time he kissed her neck more intensely, sucking, gently taking her skin between his teeth and pulling on it, before calming it with an open-mouthed kiss. As if he had known her body forever, he instinctively found the spot that seemed to drive her crazy and gave it his full attention.

Her breathing became uneven as she turned his neck toward him, urging him to continue. Her hands roamed his bare torso, over his shoulders, making his muscles tense. His grip tightened around her ass, pulling her even closer. She understood immediately and began to move her hips slowly. He dug his fingers into her flesh as he finally felt the sensation. Both of them began to breathe more and more uncontrollably, and when they started kissing again, it was messy and intense. Neil felt his body tremble and knew he would finish too soon if she continued to rub herself against him like that for a few more minutes. So he decided to slow down a bit. He let his hands wander down her back, immediately finding the clasp of her bra and undoing it without hesitation, finally getting rid of the annoying fabric. He took a second to look at her, but Claire didn't give him time. Her hand in his hair, she impatiently pulled his head where she needed it, and he didn't need to be told twice. She steadied herself against his shoulders as his hands found their way to her breasts, cupping and kneading them. He groaned as he molded her warm flesh in his hands, his lips moving greedily and quickly from her neck to her chin, down her throat, and finally down to her breasts. He squeezed them, kneaded them, felt them, before finding his way to her nipples. They were already hard, but that only motivated him more. His fingers gently played with them, twisting them, gently tugging, and his mouth immediately followed. He began kissing the soft skin, taking it into his mouth and sucking gently. Claire arched her back, pressing herself against him and the sensation his touch gave her. A loud gasp escaped her lips, her hands entangled in his hair, as he gently slid his tongue over her nipple, twitching it demandingly. When he gently wrapped it between his teeth, her body shuddered in his hands, and that was enough for him.

 

With one smooth movement, he turned her so he was lying on top of her, pressing his full weight against hers. Her body was unsteady, her eyes darkened with lust, a soft smile on her lips.

He could feel the slight tremor in her fingers as she ran them along his jaw, tentatively biting her lower lip. Gently, he reached for her wrist and pressed a kiss to her palm before pinning her hand to the mattress. Neil gave her a gentle smile.

"You okay?" he asked, his voice low and controlled despite the fire burning within him.

Claire swallowed hard and nodded, the desperate need reflected in her eyes. But there was something else in her expression, more than just lust. She needed this. Needed him. And not just physically. He could see it in the way she looked at him, in the way her body arched, as if trying to close the distance between them. Neil knew how she felt because he felt the same way. It was a lot all at once. They'd waited for this for so long, the tension between them had been unbearable for so long, and now it was about to ease. He could feel it in his own body, how much he wanted it, how much he wanted to be one with her, to feel her around him. But he wanted her to be ready, completely. So he decided to take his time.

 

He kissed her gently on the lips, a kiss she immediately wanted to deepen, but he wouldn't let her. He moved his mouth feather-lightly over her face, to her cheeks, up to her forehead, to her eyes, over her nose, down to her chin. Claire giggled softly, but he felt her body writhe beneath him. Bracing himself with one hand on the mattress so he wouldn't put his full weight on her, he let the other slowly wander over her body. His fingertips gently explored every inch while his mouth moved further down to her neck, placing loving kisses there. He noticed every movement of her body and responded. When his hand gently stroked her stomach, she flinched, a soft moan escaping her lips. He smiled slightly against her neck as he continued to explore her, tracing every defined muscle, every perfect curve.

Neil hesitated for a brief, barely noticeable moment when his fingers reached the edge of her panties. He felt the anticipation burning through his body, had to suppress the urge not to pounce on her like an instinct-driven animal. It was probably as much torture for him as it was for her that he took so much time exploring her body, getting to know every sensitive spot. His mouth found hers in a soft, loving kiss, almost tentative again, feeling the pressure of her lips against his. He loved kissing her. Then, in a cautious movement, he let his fingers gently stroke the fabric between her legs, careful to apply almost no pressure, slowly sliding down her. Claire's breath caught in her throat at the gentle touch. Neil smiled and caught the next light gasp in his mouth. He moved his hand a little lower, and this time it was him who was left breathless when he felt how wet she already was. For a brief moment, he gave in to the urge and applied a little more pressure, touching her where she needed it most, feeling her, feeling her reach out to meet his hand. There had been almost nothing he would have liked better than to let her feel his fingers. Almost. But as he felt again how hard he had become, he knew he had to get to the point. He wanted to do what he himself had longed to do most.

Neil slowly moved his hand a little higher, much to the annoyance of Claire, who grumbled in dissatisfaction. A smug smile played around his lips as she proved to him once again how much she longed for his touch. He lowered his head to her chest, kissing the soft skin of her neck, lingering there for just a moment. Claire’s fingers tangled in his hair, tugging gently, urging him to go lower. Neil smiled into her skin before kissing the curve of her breast, his mouth warm and tender as he traced the outline of her nipple with his tongue. Claire gasped, her body arching instinctively toward him, but he held her gently in place, taking his time. But he didn’t stay there long and soon he felt the goosebumps spreading across her body when he reached her flat stomach. She twitched impatiently beneath his mouth and he decided to finally release her. With a quick movement, he finally freed her from her underwear and carelessly threw it away. For a second, he simply stared at her, admiring how she lay before him.

 

The sight of her, already wet, already aching for him, sent a bolt of arousal straight through him, tightening in his gut.

He wanted her.

But more than that, he wanted to give her something no one else ever had. Tonight was about exploring every inch of her, taking the time to savor the moment.

„You are so beautiful.“ He whispered. She looked down at him, catching his eye. He saw the desperation in it, the desperate desire for more. But a small, shy smile played at the corners of her mouth before she looked away, covering her face with her hands. Neil paused; was she actually shy? He couldn't imagine what reason she could have for not showing off her body with pride. He was pretty sure every one of her partners must have complimented her, unless they were blind. Although, really, even then. Whatever the reason she seemed to have lost a small amount of her self-confidence in that moment, he would make sure that in a few moments she would have absolutely no reason for that.

 

Neil watched her with a dark intensity as he positioned himself between her thighs, his eyes flickering with something dangerously seductive. Claire’s breath was shallow, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she stared back at him, her body already trembling with anticipation.

He leaned in slowly, pressing his lips just above her hip, his breath hot against her skin. The feeling of him so close, but not yet touching, had her muscles tight with longing. Neil savored the moment, letting the heat between them simmer as he kissed along the inside of her thighs, grazing her skin with just the lightest pressure, his tongue flicking out to tease her.

“Neil …” Claire’s voice was barely more than a whisper, full of need, a hint of frustration in her tone. She wanted more, she needed more. Neil chuckled softly, his lips brushing over her skin as he moved even slower.

 

“Relax, Claire,” he murmured, his voice rough. „I know what i'm doing.“

Her body shuddered at his words as his tongue finally made contact with the sensitive flesh just beneath him. He wanted to make her wait, make her beg for it. But he couldn’t wait either, couldn’t wait to finally taste her and her desire for him. He barely brushed her with the tip of his tongue, teasing her with the smallest flicks, watching her squirm beneath him, her hands gripping the sheets.

 

“God,” she whimpered, her legs spreading instinctively, desperate for him to do more. Neil smirked but didn’t give in right away. He continued his slow, deliberate teasing, his tongue tracing the outer edges of her folds, never giving her exactly what she wanted.

 

“You are so beautiful.” he repeated, his voice thick with lust. Claire’s breath hitched, her body aching as she nodded.

 

“I get it, Neil. But please.“

He paused for a moment, savoring her desperation, before leaning in again, this time pressing his tongue firmly against her, moving in slow, languid strokes. He let the tip of his tongue glide over her clit, barely brushing it, before pulling away, only to return again with the same teasing pressure. He wanted to learn what made her come undone, to feel her unravel against him. Her hands found his hair, gripping, guiding, desperate. "What are you doing to me?" she whispered, voice strained, and he nearly lost it right there.

Neil flattened his tongue against her, applying more pressure, tasting her with long, soft strokes, enjoying her smooth wet skin under the tip of his tongue. His body was on fire as he finally tasted her, felt her twitch beneath the movement of his tongue. It was one of his favorite fantasies coming true in that moment; he had always imagined what it would be like if she surrendered to him like that. But no fantasy, no matter how dirty, would have done justice to what he was experiencing at that moment.

Neil groaned against her, the vibrations making her jolt. He loved this - loved the way she reacted to him, the way she gave in without overthinking, without pulling away. She was here with him, letting him have her.

 

"You are perfect." Claire gasped, her body arching,and the slow, steady rhythm of his tongue, combined with the teasing, was almost too much to bear, for the both of them. He continued to drive her insane, licking and kissing her, working her up without giving her the release she craved. His tongue circled around her clit again, pressing down just hard enough to make her whimper, feeling her pulsing softly against his lips. Her hips buckled up, her moans got louder, made his blood flow to his member, reminding him how much he enjoyed hearing those sounds from her.

 

„Right there.“ she whispered as he found her sweet spot again. He bit down a cocky comment and instead licked her passionatly. He already knew, no words would have been needed to know where she needed him most at that moment.

She was so damn responsive, so open with him, and it made him starved for her.

He took his time, making sure he hit the right spot, taking her responses in, everytime he moved his tongue in circles. Her moans became louder and he was surprised at how much she let herself go.

 

"God, Claire," he murmured against her, pressing soft, teasing kisses to her inner thigh before returning to the sweet, aching spot that had her shaking. "You taste so good." He said before sucking her clit. “You have no idea how badly I’ve wanted to do this” He pressed his tongue deep inside her, moving slowly as he tasted every inch of her. Claire’s hips bucked up, her fingers gripping his hair, pulling him closer as her voice grew louder, more desperate.

 

“Neil … please … don’t stop. I’m so close. Please …”

Neil lifted his head slightly, his eyes locking with hers as he looked up at her with a predatory grin.

 

„Not yet.“ he said simply and could see her rolling her eyes, whether out of frustration or arousal, maybe both, he couldn't say.

He returned to her with renewed intensity, his tongue flicking and swirling around her, each movement making her tremble with need. He made sure to keep her on the edge, drawing her closer to the breaking point, before easing off just enough to keep her begging for more.

Claire’s body was trembling now, every inch of her desperate for release.

 

“Neil, please! I need to -”

He silenced her by pressing his tongue deep, his lips suctioning around her clit as he sucked, the sensation sending her spiraling. She let out a whimper, her hips bucking up instinctively, chasing his mouth, and god, that did something to him. His fingers dug into her skin, grounding her as he licked into her with more pressure, alternating between slow, torturous strokes and quick flicks that made her whole body tremble.

He could feel her entire body tense, her legs beginning to shake uncontrollably, and this time he didn't hold back. Already knowing the exact rhythm that would drive her crazy, he let his tongue wander over her clit, playing with it until her moan caught in her throat. Neil pushed her over the edge. Her entire body seized as waves of pleasure tore through her, her hips grinding into his face, her hands gripping the sheets so hard her knuckles went white. She cried out, her legs shaking as the orgasm ripped through her.

Neil kept going, licking her through the aftershocks, his mouth never leaving her as he drank her in, savoring every second of her release. It felt like time had stopped, the world reduced to just the two of them, to the heat, the wetness, and the overwhelming pleasure. His tongue only gently played around her, as he noticed how sensitive she had become. He placed gentle kisses everywhere he touched her skin, his hands gently stroking her warm body. As soon as her breathing calmed, her limbs stilled, his tongue began to move faster again, ready to send her into ecstasy again.

 

"Stop!" she whispered, almost begging. Neil raised his eyes, his eyebrow raised, but when they met hers, he understood immediately. She wanted more of him.

Neil pulled away, kissing her thighs softly as he looked up at her.

 

“You’re incredible,” he whispered, his voice low and full of admiration. Claire lay there, breathless and sated, a lazy smile spreading across her lips. He kissed his way up her body, gently but impatiently, until he reached her face.

"Good?" he murmured against her lips. She let out a breathy laugh, still trying to catch her breath.

 

"You have no idea." He smirked.

 

"Oh, I think I do." he breathed as he kissed her senseless. His hand wandered over her body, feeling her still tense muscles beneath his fingertips. He smirked as he felt her breath quicken again, his fingers sliding between her legs again. He couldn't help it, he would never get enough of her. His hand pressed against her, eliciting a soft moan from her. His fingers circled her clit for a precious moment before he slid them inside her. Her back arched as he captured her moan with his eager lips. She was tight and wet around him as he slowly started pumping his fingers. It gave him a certain satisfaction to finally be inside her. Her fingers clawed at his hair, pulling him, needing him. He was already losing himself again in the pleasant feeling of arousal when she wrapped her leg around him. But when he thought she was about to give herself completely to him, she took advantage of the position and rolled over on top of him.

 

Neil had barely caught his breath before Claire flipped their positions, pushing against his chest until he was on his back. He let her, of course he did. He loved that she was just as dominant as he was. His body was still thrumming from the raw intensity of watching her come undone beneath him.

She straddled his hips, her hands splayed against his chest, her touch both firm and teasing. He could still feel the aftershocks of her pleasure in the slight tremble of her fingers, the dazed look in her eyes. The fact that he had been responsible for it only aroused him even more.

His breath hitched as she shifted, sliding down his body with a slow, deliberate grace. Her lips pressed against his chest, his stomach, leaving a trail of soft, open-mouthed kisses as she went.

 

"Claire …" His voice was rough, edged with something dangerously close to desperation. She smirked against his skin, her nails dragging lightly along his ribs.

 

"Relax," she murmured, throwing his own words back at him, and god, that should not have turned him on as much as it did.

Her fingers reached the waistband of his underwear, teasing him, testing his patience. He was already painfully hard, and when she finally pushed his clothes down, freeing him, a low groan escaped his throat.

"Just as I imagined," she grinned as she looked at him, her voice breathless. Anything she would have said in that moment, with her hoarse voice, would probably have driven him mad. But those words alone could have sent him over the edge.

 

The moment her hand wrapped around him, his hips jerked involuntarily.

She hummed, her grip firm but slow, her thumb swiping over the tip, spreading the slickness there. The sheer control she had in that moment made his chest tighten, his muscles coil.

He wanted to touch her, to bury his fingers in her curls and guide her, but the way she looked at him, dark eyes flickering with something almost sinful, made him wait. Then she finally leaned down, and god. The heat of her breath sent a shiver through him before her lips even touched him. But when they did - soft, warm, wet, he barely bit back a curse, his fingers clenching in the sheets.

 

"Claire -" His voice was almost guttural.

She took her time, teasing him, her tongue tracing along the length of him in slow, agonizing strokes. Neil’s head pressed back into the pillow, his breath ragged, his hands tightening into fists because if he touched her now, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

She was enjoying this, enjoying him. And that thought alone was enough to make him unravel.

Then she took him into her mouth, and he was done for. A deep, shuddering groan tore from his throat, his hips jerking before he forced himself to stay still. The warmth of her, the way her tongue moved against him, the slow, torturous rhythm - he was losing his mind.

She adjusted her angle, taking him deeper, hollowing her cheeks slightly, and his hands shot to her hair before he could stop himself.

"God" His voice broke, strained and desperate, a plea he didn’t even realize he was making.

She hummed in response, the vibrations making him curse, making him tighten his grip. She didn’t stop, didn’t let up, her fingers curling around the base of him, working in tandem with her mouth.

At that moment, he knew he had to stop, or this would all end sooner than he'd liked.

 

"Wait," he said simply, and when she raised her gaze, she understood immediately, a cheeky grin on her lips. She decided not to torment him further and instead leaned over him to grab the condom she'd so carelessly thrown onto the bed earlier. Neil felt his heart leap in his throat at the sight of her ripping open the wrapper with her teeth, his head a mess.

He simply watched her, fascinated, as if he still couldn't believe this was actually happening. This thought only intensified as he watched her take the condom between her lips and ... she won't, will she? ... He swallowed hard as she winked at him and slowly leaned back down to put it on.

Neil had to look away, the sight alone too much to bear. He closed his eyes tightly and let a breath escape through his gritted teeth. What was this woman? She really was so much more than any man could ever dream of.

He had to concentrate; the touch of her lips against his member, her warm breath on his thighs ... no, that was enough.

With one swift movement, he pulled her up to him and turned her onto her back again, pressing his body tightly against her.

Neil kissed her forehead softly, his voice thick with desire.

 

"Give me a second," he breathed, knowing that even the slightest touch at that moment could have ended the game. Claire chuckled slightly as she impatiently began to roll her hips against him.

 

"What? Come on." she giggled breathlessly. He pressed her firmly against the mattress, pressing a light kiss against her lips.

 

"I mean it, give me a moment." Claire's features softened, and she paused her movements, letting her hands gently glide over his back.

 

"Hey, I know I'm hard to handle." He gave her a look and she understood. He's gonna show her just how much he can handle her.

He began to capture her lips in a gentle kiss, slow and tasty. She responded immediately, pressing her lips demandingly against him. Neil gently stroked her cheek, realizing this was more than just a fantasy. This was them. She and him. Together. This was real. Their lips found a tender rhythm, passionate but soft. After a few seconds, Claire's breathing quickened again, her grip on his shoulders tightened, a soft moan escaping his lips as he gently pushed her legs apart and moved into position.

Their eyes met, agreeing that they would take this step. She nodded slowly, seeing the question in his eyes, and that was enough for him. He leaned his forehead against hers, feeling her warmth between his legs. Neil pushed inside her slowly, inch by inch, watching her face the whole time. Her lips parted, her breath hitching, and damn, she was tight, warm, perfect. He couldn't have been prepared for how she would feel. It felt right, as if they were made for this. She fit so perfectly around him that he wondered if she hadn't actually been made for him. The romantic in him had answered that question long ago. He let out a low, shaky groan, bracing himself above her, barely holding onto the last shred of his control.

"God, Claire …"

Her hands slid up his back, nails digging into his skin, pulling him deeper, and he had to pause, squeezing his eyes shut, willing himself to breathe.

 

"Neil," she whimpered, rocking her hips against him.

He moved, slow and deep at first, letting her adjust, letting her feel all of him. She met him easily, the sounds she made only drove him on. Every slow thrust had her gasping, every shift of his hips sent a shiver down her spine.

 

"You feel so good," he murmured against her skin, pressing kisses along her jaw, her throat, the curve of her shoulder. "So perfect." As if by reflex, she closed her legs around him, pulling him even closer, letting him slide even deeper. They both let out a deep moan in unison as they became one again.

When he had imagined them making love, it had been something different every time: hot and passionate, greedy and demanding. Fast movements, driven by years of frustration and the feeling of finally giving in. But reality felt better. It wasn't as fast as he expected; it was a discovery, a feeling of each other, losing themselves in each other, savoring every single movement until they slowly surrendered to the wave of pleasure. It was truly that, making love. And he wouldn't have wanted it to change. Hot waves of satisfaction rolled down his back and he knew he wouldn't last much longer.

Claire whimpered, arching into him, her hands gripping his shoulders like she never wanted to let go. He changed his angle slightly, rolling his hips, and she let out a sharp cry, back arching beautifully.

"Right there?" he asked, smug, pressing his forehead to hers.

She barely managed a nod, too lost in the sensation, and he did it again, drawing another broken moan from her lips. He maintained the rhythm, slow but deep, hitting just the right spot. The sweet sounds of her pleasure motivated him as he rolled his hips demandingly against her.

Her nails raked down his back as she tightened around him, her breathing erratic, her body trembling beneath him. He could feel her getting close, could see it in the way she gasped his name, in the way her thighs clenched around him, desperate, needy.

It only took a few more thrusts before he felt her walls tighten around him and she let out a desperate sound, her body began to tremble and she gave in to her orgasm. She shattered beneath him, her whole body tensing, a strangled moan leaving her lips as she pulsed around him. He groaned at the sensation, barely holding on.

His movements became just a little faster; she still felt perfect around him, and it wasn't long before he, too, was tripping over the edge with a deep groan. His body surrendered to the sensation as hot waves ran through him and he collapsed onto her, careful not to put all his weight on her.

 

Their breathing was heavy and uneven as they recovered from what they'd done. Her fingers played with the slightly damp hair on the back of his neck as he gently kissed her cheek. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so complete, so completely satisfied and happy.

"That was the best conversation I've ever had," he joked, and she forced out a soft laugh. They lay like that for a moment, neither of them in a hurry to separate. Their bodies hot against each other, their hands gently stroking each other, exchanging kisses whenever they felt like it. And Neil knew he would never not feel like it.

"I'll be right back," he mumbled after what felt like an eternity, not eager to leave their bubble.

 

****

 

When he had freshened up and emerged from the bathroom, Claire was still lying in the same place as when he had left, but had now turned onto her stomach. Only her bottom was lightly covered with a blanket. Neil smiled at the sight. He didn't know what he'd done to deserve what he'd been offered that night, but he wasn't going to complain. He would show this woman what she was worth; he would prove it and tell her every day.

 

He fell into bed next to her, his eyes never leaving her as he crawled under the covers. She didn't open her eyes, but she looked content, smiling slightly. He simply watched her silently, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly upward. His hand moved to her face, his thumb gently stroking her cheek. A part of him, the one that hadn't yet realized this was actually real, expected her to back away, to regret it. But she didn't. Without opening her eyes, she sighed contentedly and slid a little closer to him. Her hand instinctively found his neck, her fingers threaded through his hair, and he closed his eyes, already realizing he'd become addicted to that feeling.

 

"You look exhausted." He murmured, the corners of her mouth twitching slightly, humming contentedly.

 

"I am," she said as she stretched and involuntarily moved a little closer to him. She opened her eyes a tiny bit. "And a little happy, too." Her words triggered a warmth in his chest that spread throughout his entire body. He couldn't hide the grin that spread across his face. His hand wrapped around her hip, pulling her so close that barely a sheet of paper could fit between them, and he gently kissed her forehead.

 

"I am too. A little." Neil felt her smile against his skin, and he couldn't remember the last time something had felt so great, so right, so meant to be. The more he let himself indulge in the feeling, the more meaningless it seemed with Nicole. He didn't want to compare the two, but the contrast was quite intense. Lying here with Claire now, he realized what closeness meant with someone he loved. How much security and peace it brought, how it felt to be entwined with each other, shutting out the rest of the world. He was pretty sure at that moment that he would never be able to leave this room again - not with her snuggled up to him like she was now, so unconditional and content.

 

"I'm glad you came," she murmured, her fingers gently stroking his back.

 

"Well, I'm glad you came too. Twice." He replied jokingly, and Claire groaned in annoyance before grabbing a nearby pillow and pressing it against his face.

"Hey," he complained with a wide grin.

 

"You know what I mean." Neil rolled onto his back, pulled the pillow away from his face, and looked directly into her face. The small dimples in her cheeks stared right back at him, and he grinned. Without hesitation, he pulled her down onto his chest and wrapped her tightly in his arms. She immediately hummed with satisfaction, which made Neil's heart leap with love.

 

"I know what you mean," he admitted a little more seriously, his fingers tracing small circles on her back. He felt her bare skin pressed against his and sighed contentedly. "I had to. I couldn't let things stay like this between us any longer. I've let them stay like this for long enough, and I regret every single second of it. Especially now." He added with a slight chuckle as he let his hand wander a little further down, lingering on her lower back. She giggled against his neck, her breath sending a hot shiver down his spine. For a moment, neither spoke, both processing the weight of what had been said.

 

"I meant to ask … How did things end with Nicole?" Claire asked cautiously, but she couldn't hide the pain that resonated within. As if by reflex, he pulled her a little closer, so that her head was now resting on his chest. He took his time with the answer, his hand finding the back of her neck and gently stroking her hair.

 

"Pretty much right after you left ... I won‘t lie to you, I thought things could work out with her; I wanted them to." She nodded gently, her finger stroking his tattoo. He smiled slightly as he thought that she was seeing it all for the first time, and he wondered if she still found it so horrible. "But it never really felt right; something was always missing. When you came back, I finally realized what that was." He let the words hang in the air, knowing how difficult this time must have been for her, how much she had questioned what was between them.

 

"And that was what?" she asked. He pressed a gentle kiss to her head before sighing.

 

"You." She said nothing, but her body noticeably relaxed under his touch. He knew words alone wouldn't change what had happened between them, but he wouldn't waste any more time showing her how much he loved her. Every day. At that moment, she turned slightly away from him, rested her chin on her hand, and raised her eyebrow. A small smile played on Neil's lips as he turned back to her. There was no pain in her eyes, not really. She reached out and gently ran her fingertips down his face, over his cheek, to his chin. For a brief moment, he closed his eyes at the touch before a sigh escaped his lips.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I felt about you sooner." The corners of her mouth twitched slightly, but her gaze followed the movements of her fingers.

 

"Well, you haven't actually done that yet." Her voice wasn't particularly serious, but Neil knew she was right. He gently reached for her hand and held it in his. It wouldn't be him if he didn't have another cheeky remark on his lips.

 

"Well, I'd say we're past the friend phase by now." He chuckled, lifting the covers slightly and looking at her naked body. She smiled slightly and made a thoughtful noise before his hand found its way back to her face, where he slowly stroked her eyebrow. He lost himself in her gaze as she looked up at him, and even though the exhaustion of the endless day was slowly making itself felt in his body, that would probably have been enough to make him give himself over to her once more. But for the moment, he held back.

"You feel the same way about me, right?" he asked a little more seriously, but still with a slight smile on his face.

 

"It depends." She answered sneakily, and he let his finger gently brush her lips, where a small smile formed. He watched her for a moment, lost in the sight, in the fact that he could touch her, feel her, and be with her. His heart beat a little faster as he leaned closer to her.

 

"Can I kiss you again?" he asked cautiously. She raised her eyebrow.

 

"Why so shy suddenly?" she asked, a grin spreading across his face as his hand found its place on the back of her neck again.

 

"I'm not. Just making sure." She rolled her eyes as she pulled him closer.

 

"Don't ask," she replied in the last second before their lips touched. It was a feather-light touch, gentle and careful, almost like the first time. Simply feeling each other's contact in slow, intense touches. Her leg closed around his, drawing him impossibly closer as his lips moved gently against hers. He simply breathed her in, tasted her, felt her. It gave him peace, it gave him what he'd been searching for forever.

Before the kiss could deepen, he pulled away at her protest. He placed his forehead against hers, his fingers brushing her lips.

 

"I love you." He whispered breathlessly, his own words spreading through his body like wildfire. It felt right to finally say it, even though he knew those words hadn't been enough for what he felt, but at least it was the closest thing he could get.

She smiled slightly.

 

"I think we are on the same page." She said quietly, but the emotion in it was clear. His heart skipped a beat before beating even faster. "I love you too," she added. She loved him. Probably as much as he loved her. He grinned broadly, so broad that his face was already beginning to ache, before he captured her lips again in a demanding kiss. She kissed him back immediately, losing themselves in each other once more, certain that everything that had stood between them was now gone. That all the words they had been afraid to say for so long had been said. Yes, they had wasted time, a lot of time, but they would use every moment to make up for it.

 

They let go of each other, reluctantly, but both exhausted.

"Well, looks like I was an idiot after all." He said with a chuckle before kissing her head and leaning his head far enough away from hers to look at her. She said nothing, and Neil raised an eyebrow. Claire chuckled and shrugged.

 

"What? I'm not going to argue with you, when you are right for once." She said, and Neil grinned. He'd let her get away with it, because when he thought about how long he could have been able to enjoy this feeling with her in his arms, he wanted to slap himself. A small part of him would probably never be able to forgive himself, but it was history now, their story. And even if he'd like to tell it differently, it was what it was, and he was glad that at least it had a happy ending. He furrowed his eyebrows.

 

"I won't let this get complicated again, Claire. I promise." Claire caught his gaze, skepticism reflected in her eyes, even though she certainly wanted to believe him. She let a breath escape her lungs, something close to a laugh.

 

"It's still complicated." Neil gave her a questioning look. In that moment, there was no question left unanswered for him; everything suddenly seemed to make sense. Claire rolled her eyes in mock annoyance. "What do we do after this week? When you go back? How do you imagine that?" Neil said nothing for an eternity, gently running his fingertips over her shoulder, his gaze fixed on her.

 

"What would you like to do?" he asked gently. Her gaze barely changed, her mouth opened slightly, but she said nothing. "If you want to come back ..." he began again. "I promised you. There's a place for you. You can be back in the hospital, you can be with us, you can develop in the direction you want." Claire sighed, but warmth rose on her face as she thought about it. He saw her mind working, but a small smile played on her lips before she sighed again.

 

"But what about this place? What about what we've built?" Neil thought for a moment; he had been prepared for this question, had expected it. He himself had asked himself the same question over and over again.

 

"Well, I assume Chase can take your role here. I don't know his final decision yet, but if I had to bet, I'd say he'll stay." Claire chuckled slightly.

 

"Are you saying Phillip Chase can replace me?" Neil hummed a soft laugh before stroking her face.

 

"No, he can't. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about." Claire smiled back, before her expression became a little more serious. He gave her a moment to think about it, but when she didn't say anything, he gave her a warm smile.

"Would you like to stay here?" Claire searched his gaze as he said this, but she radiated uncertainty. She apparently wasn't sure yet either.

 

"I don't want so much distance between us again." She admitted, looking away, turning her head to the side and sighing. Without hesitation, Neil gently reached for her face and turned it back toward him.

 

"Well, I'm not leaving without you." Claire raised an amused eyebrow.

 

"Is that a threat?" Neil swallowed a giggle, but only shook his head slightly, his thumb gently stroking her chin.

 

"No, a promise." She grimaced slightly at his romantic words, and he grinned broadly.

 

"How do you imagine that?" she asked, uncertainty in her voice. Neil shrugged and moved a little closer to her.

 

"Well, like this," he replied simply. "Of course, you'd have to explain to Audrey why I'm not coming back, but I think you can handle it." Claire's mouth fell open in shock.

 

"Me, why me?" Neil chuckled.

 

"Well, you're the reason, aren't you?" he joked. He knew it was all much more complicated than he was making it out to be; he had responsibilities there, friends, family. Claire seemed to be thinking the same thing, because her expression darkened.

 

"You have a life there." Neil smiled gently.

 

"You did, too." She sighed. "I know it's not that easy. But we'll make it work. If you want to stay, we'll stay. If you want to leave, we'll go. It doesn't have to be final. We can go back and then come back here. We don't need to know all this now. Everything I need to know, I already know." He said, giving her a gentle kiss on the lips.

He took a moment to simply breathe her in, because then all the questions disappeared, the only thing he saw were possibilities. Surely the realistic part of him was still there, knowing that he had a sister in San José whom he couldn't leave suddenly, just as he couldn't quit without a second thought. But now that he was with Claire, nothing seemed impossible anymore. She sighed gently against his mouth, and he pulled away with a slight grin.

"Don't forget, you're no longer a resident. You can lead the program. Even when we're back, you can accompany the residents when it's their turn to travel. That way, you always have the option to come back here." Claire nodded cautiously, her eyebrows furrowed, but a slight smile on her face. "But I would advise you not to fall in love with one of them. Worst case, they'll want to stay in Guatemala, and then you'll have a problem." He joked, and Claire laughed softly. When she exhaled, she seemed a little calmer, the muscles beneath his fingertips considerably more relaxed than before.

"I'll do whatever you want," he concluded, and Claire nodded before catching his eye.

 

"We still have time to think about it, right? We don't have to decide right away?" she asked uncertainly. He sensed that she wasn't sure what the right thing was yet, and that was okay, he didn't know yet either, but he didn't have to. He smiled gently.

 

"We have all the time in the world."

Claire sighed contentedly and wrapped her arm around his middle, pulling herself closer to him. Her body relaxed in his arms, and he felt like he'd found heaven on earth. For a brief moment, Neil simply closed his eyes, feeling her warmth, her skin against his. Then he chuckled, and Claire looked up at him.

 

"What?" she asked, amused. Neil grimaced.

 

"How weird do you think it would be if I asked Chase right now if he could bring me my stuff?" A slight, humorless laugh escaped her lips before she rolled her eyes.

 

"Very weird. But you don't need them anyway. I like you better without clothes anyway." Neil grinned and gave her a pointed look.

 

"Yeah, but all my condoms are in there too." Claire stared at him for a moment before nodding.

 

"Go ask him."

 

Notes:

Okay guys, that was intense. I think Neil had a lot to make up for, and he did it. 🤭

Why am I ending this fic here? Quite simply, that was the ending I had planned; I didn't think beyond that. But I'd be willing to keep writing, to see where their story goes, if that's what you want. I would do it in a sequel, though, so this fic serves as a prequel, and we can see what happens next. If you can imagine that, let me know and share your ideas. If you want to keep the story here, let me know.

But feel free to give me feedback. I'm already writing a new fic, and it's going to be a little different again. I'd like your opinion for the future writing.
What did you like most about the story? Which characters should appear? Which friendships we might not have had in this story, etc. (Oh, and this was also my first time with smut, so feel free to let me know – too much? 🤢– too little?😈 – what's missing? I'm open-minded; we'll have quite some of that in the next story. 😏)

So yeah, we are not ending the melandaire love just yet. We are just getting started.
I will take a 2-3 week break from posting, tho. I want to have a somewhat regular schedule again, so i need to prepare something first.

Thank you all for reading and we'll see each other in the next one. If it's this one or the other ❤️‍🩹