Chapter Text
Jayce
It began when he was seven, after the storm that nearly took his life. From that day forward the wind made his heart race and the cold strangled his throat. It started with trembling hands and ended with him struggling to breathe. He would hold his crystal against his chest and beg the magic to warm him up.
It helped, but not enough. And this was only the start. Jayce had been infected, and the panic spread like a disease. Soon his thoughts moved so fast he became out of breath. His stomach, flipped, twisted and churned for no reason at all. And his heart thumped so painfully hard he feared it might break his ribs.
Getting out of bed became scary. Leaving the house was a nightmare. Jayce was terrified all the time, even when he couldn’t figure out what there was to be afraid of. Joy was replaced with dread. Fun was replaced with fear. Even talking to his friends made Jayce want to throw up.
Life was too hard. Everything was too hard. He just wanted to stay home and sleep in his mother’s safe arms.
Ximena tried her best to help. She hugged him and promised his feelings would pass. She would distract him with stories and tell him all the reasons she loved him. But this was beyond her abilities. He was trapped in a shadow; a dark cloud that festered in every corner of his mind.
The doctor asked Jayce lots of questions. Does worrying ever make your tummy hurt? My tummy hurts so bad I have to stay in bed some days… Does it ever feel like something bad is about to happen? I feel like really, really bad things are going to happen every day... Does talking to your friends make you feel better? Seeing my friends makes me feel even worse now…
She ended up giving Jayce some special tablets. She said it would make his bad feelings go away.
And it did.
He stopped having bad dreams every night and started smiling when he played with his toys again. Jayce built towers out of blocks and wasn’t so worried about them toppling over. He smiled and laughed without fear holding him back.
Colour had returned to the world and all Jayce wanted was to explore. He fell back in love with learning. He imagined and created. He built his own toys and found joy in figuring out how numbers worked.
But of course, that peace would only last for so long.
When Jayce finished junior school, he was on top of the world. Sure, Winter still made him nervous, but a jacket and scarf was enough to brave the cold. His team had gotten silver in the Piltover Football Contest. He had friends everywhere he went. He was top of his year in science and maths. His understanding of magic, or more precisely, the arcane, improved every day.
Jayce couldn’t wait to start making real progress toward being accepted to Piltover Academy.
So, when he started senior school, and nothing went to plan, it was a shock to the system. A nasty one.
The courses were much harder, with double the assessments and exams. He had to read chapters upon chapters of books for every class. He was assigned dozens of homework sheets a week. Jayce couldn’t even play football because practice was scheduled for the same time as his elective engineering class.
Then to top it all off, a few months into his eighth year, his bad feelings came back. Maybe it was all the changes that catalysed it. Maybe it was his growing body reacting differently to his tablets. Maybe he was just cursed. All Jayce knew for certain was that his tablets were not doing their job anymore.
No matter how much sleep he got, he woke up exhausted. His stomach aches were back and even worse than before. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking the worst in every situation. Understanding a concept more slowly than usual led to a panicked meltdown about losing his intelligence.
He had so much to do without even factoring in his research into the arcane. Which he had already fallen behind on.
Jayce probably would have told his mother about feeling so awful again, if it hadn’t been for the whispers around school. A student in her final year had jumped into the fissures because she had the same bad feelings as Jayce. Everyone said she was stupid. An embarrassment to her family. People laughed when they found out she’d been taking tablets. They said she was better off dead than infecting the school with her craziness.
Jayce didn’t want people to think he was crazy. Was he crazy? Did his mother secretly think he was crazy? She said she loved him… but was there a limit to her love? Maybe one tablet was okay but anymore was too much… What if she decided she didn’t want him anymore? What if his classmates found out about his… craziness…? Were crazy people even allowed into Piltover Academy?
He was smart enough to know that it was better to be safe than sorry. So, he kept his mouth shut and soldiered on.
He studied every day from sunup to sundown. He mastered every elective his school had to offer. He learnt to work in the forge and build his own prototypes. He fixed broken tools for his mother. He designed a heater for his room in the winter. He upgraded mechanisms in the forge. He won awards for his successes. He studied the arcane. His whole world revolved around work.
There was a fire inside him that burned to achieve his ambitions. There was no room for failure. There were no second chances. Jayce lost friends from his laser focused obsessions, but he brushed them off as necessary sacrifices. He didn’t have time for parties and relationships. He had to study. He had to be perfect. He had to be the best.
Jayce was fifteen the first time he wasn’t the best.
Maryanne Jennings. She beat him in a mechanics competition. She got gold and he got silver. She won and he lost.
Is this the end? What if this is just the start of my failures? What if this means I’m losing my touch? What if this is as far as I get? What if I’ve reached my limit? What if I can’t keep advancing? What if… what if… what if…
Jayce smiled and shook the principles hand. He congratulated Maryanne. His mother gave him a hug. He pretended he wasn’t struggling to breathe.
Jayce came home and locked himself in his bedroom. He collapsed against his door. He gasped. He cried. He shook. He begged the arcane to save him. It didn’t. Every time he thought he had a hold of himself, he’d look up and see the blueprints covering his walls. The shelves overflowing with books on the arcane. The ribbons hung above his bed. And it would start again.
I should have tried harder. Why am I so stupid? How could I let myself fall short? What is wrong with me?
Inevitably, the thoughts drifted back to his tablets. Back to the craziness he clearly couldn’t contain. The insanity that was leaching all his intelligence as it grew. The fact that everyone else was normal and he was this.
He balled his hands into fists, screwing his eyes shut so hard it hurt.
Why do I have to be like this? It isn’t fair. This isn’t fair!
Jayce stopped taking his medication three weeks later.
It doesn’t work anyway; he reasoned. I have more important things to spend money on.
He didn’t tell his mother. Every few weeks she continued to give him the money; he spent it on speciality tools, parts for his designs or flowers for Ximena when his guilty conscious demanded retribution.
Less than a year after this decision, Jayce did it for the first time.
He was locked in his bedroom. It was nearing three in the morning. The motor was just about finished. He was just scratching his name into the metal. Signing his work, just as he’d done hundreds of times before. But he was tired. He wasn’t confident his design would win. He couldn’t stop the what if’s stealing his focus.
And his stupid shaky hands kept making the blade slip. Scratching up his work like a toddler was in charge of writing. He got angry. He balled his hands into fists on instinct. He forgot he was holding the blade. It hurt. It was distracting. The warm dribble of blood down his arm silenced his brain, so he squeezed it again.
Interesting…
Just like any good man of science would, Jayce experimented a few times.
One morning, when it felt like getting out of bed would kill him, he drew on his thigh. Miraculously Jayce suddenly found the energy to sit up.
One evening, he was struggling to focus on writing a report, so he picked up his blade and drew. Like magic Jayce finished his assignment within the hour.
The results spoke for themselves.
What sort of scientist would I be if I don’t apply my findings?
Jayce came to rely on his ‘findings’ to get through his final years of senior school.
It’s just skin, he reasoned. It heals. It doesn’t matter.
When he was hauled up in the library alone, it kept him company. When it was late and his eyes started drooping, it kept him awake.
I’m going to bring magic to the world one day. This won’t matter in the long run.
When he fell short on a grade, it helped him stay calm. When he hit a wall and wanted to quit, it helped him reset.
Scientists are all crazy. As long as I create greatness, no one will care.
Jayce lost any spark for life outside his work; he had no one outside of his mother. But that didn’t matter, he was making so much progress, and progress was really all that mattered.
Jayce graduated from senior school in the zero-point-five percent. He secured a place at the Academy and received an official offer of sponsorship from Counsellor Kirraman herself.
I did it. I made it. This is my chance.
Jayce began his studies with his mind already split in two. By day he mastered engineering. By night he researched runes. Jayce merged the principles of physics with the laws of arcane, filling notebook after notebook with his theories. He worked tirelessly to stay on top of his official studies and personal ambitions.
It was beyond exhausting, but the art on his thighs kept him together.
Jayce saw less and less of his mother as the years flew by. She told him she worried but he brushed it off. He was fine. Who cared if he was burning the candle at both ends? He was making progress and that’s all that mattered.
He could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel he’d been exploring since he was seven. He couldn’t rest now. He needed to make it. He needed this all to be worth it…
***
“Jayce Talis. You are accused of illegal experimentation and endangering the citizens of Piltover. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Jayce stared blankly at his feet. His shoulders hunched and hands clasped together, he was doing his absolute best to stop himself from trembling as hundreds of pairs of eyes stared him down. He could feel their judgement. He could feel their anger.
Don’t cry. Its fine. Just do what Heimerdinger said. It’s ok. I can come back from this.
Jayce blinked, swallowing a shaky breath. Hands squeezing together so tightly that his fingers were turning white.
“The materials were… far more dangerous… than I was aware of, and I… I now know my actions were against academy regulations…”
He paused, taking another breath. Ignoring the tightness in his chest.
“W-What I did endangered people. It was reckless, and for that, I’m sorry...”
His unsteady voice echoed around the chamber. He could hear his own heart thumping in his ears. His head was spinning. His stomach was all twisted in knots.
“I ask the councils forgiveness… and I hope that… I can continue my studies…”
Silence. No one said a word. His pleas for his future vanishing into the darkness of the councillor’s glares.
Please. Please. I have to keep my place. I need to keep working.
“As Jayce’s patron of many years, I can speak for his character. I believe that one day he will be a great contributor to our society.”
Jayce bit the inside of his cheek, holding his breath. Yes. Please. Listen to her. They had to forgive him. Heimerdinger said he could swing them around. This can’t be the end.
“He destroyed a building,” Counsellor Hoskel snorted. No… I’m sorry… please… “Is this the sort of contribution we can expect?”
“If you were a scientist, you’d know you can’t make a prototype without breaking a few wrenches.”
Jayce kept his eyes glued to the floor as the counsellors muttered amongst themselves. His eyes starting to sting as whispers of incompetence flew about the chamber.
“He could have killed someone… it was an accident… this will cost thousands in repairs… the boy is clearly a fool… mistakes are part of progression… an example needs to be made…”
Jayce’s head was spinning. His collar was strangling him. Heimerdinger was going to fix this… he had to… Jayce couldn’t fail now…
“Do you have anything to show for your work besides an explosion?”
Jayce’s face burned as the question hung in the air. He kept his head down, stubbornly blinking back the angry tears threatening to spill over. He had plenty to show for besides an explosion. He was close. He knew it. He’d been working on this for over a decade, doing something never done before!
Jayce swallowed.
Do what Heimerdinger said… follow his plan…
“I… uh… no…” he muttered. “It came to nothing…”
“So, you’re saying it was meaningless?”
Jayce faltered. Meaningless? His work wasn’t meaningless!? He’d dedicated his entire life to this! This research was his everything! He would be dead if it weren’t for the arcane! He wanted to help people the way it had helped him! In what world could that ever be meaningless?
A sliver of rage slipped through Jayce’s mask, and before he could stop himself, he looked up.
“It was revolutionary!” he shouted, before realising what he’d just done and who he’d just yelled at.
No… no… I’m sorry… shit… I…
Medarda raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Revolutionary how?” She leaned forward with narrowed eyes. “All I see is a boy meddling with things he doesn’t understand.”
Jayce swallowed, wringing his hands together.
She… she doesn’t know what she’s talking about… I understand… I’m not stupid…
“The academy seems to have loosened its standards… This is a fine line. If we condone this, what’s next?”
Jayce stiffened. Loosened their standards? I’m a top student!
“He’s ridiculous really… The council has more important matters to deal with…”
Jayce ground his teeth. More important? My research is for everyone’s benefit!? This will change the world!
“The academy needs to be held responsible… One boy isn’t worth compromising our integrity… He cannot go unpunished… He’s an idiot at best…”
Time stopped as the counsellors argued.
They’re really considering it… they’re going to kick me out…
Jayce’s heart raced, the pounding in his ears even louder than the shouts around the room. His vision blurring as his throat seized up. He couldn’t get kicked out… He couldn’t lose this… This work was his life… His everything…
Where was Heimerdinger? He said he’d take care of it!
I did as he said, what’s he waiting for!?
Jayce screwed his eyes shut. Yanking his hands apart and balling them into fists. He couldn’t just watch his entire life get toss aside! He had to do something! He had to say something! Heimerdinger had lied! He wasn’t going to fix this at all!
“I was trying to create magic!”
Nothing.
Around the entire room.
Silence.
Not a shift of fabric.
Not a whisper.
Not a single sound.
Jayce took a sharp breath. Followed by another, and another. Avoiding Heimerdinger’s eye and searching every other counsellors face for something he could work with… but they were in shock… all wide eyed and jaws dropped… until at last…
“Magic?” Hoskel spluttered, as Shoola scoffed.
“Arcane talents are something you’re born with. They can’t be fabricated.”
You’re wrong! I can make it work! I’ve nearly done it!
Jayce rubbed at the crystal on his wrist. Forcing himself to stay calm.
“Actually,” he breathed. “I believe it is possible.”
“Has anyone even tried it before?”
“I-” Jayce started, but Bolbok cut him off.
“The arcane is the curse of our world. My race was nearly destroyed by it.”
Jayce shook his head. The arcane wasn’t a curse! It was a gift! It had saved his life! It could be used for good! I know it can work!
Jayce stood up straighter, hardening his expression. “Surely, we, the pioneers of science can use it for good.” He argued, pushing his voice out across the room. This was it. He had to convince them. “We’re the champions of discovery. Why fear it when we can master it. This is the city of progress; think of the wonders we could create. Let me prove-”
“Enough!”
Jayce’s eyes widened as Heimerdinger’s shout cut through his speech. His gaze locked on Jayce. His eyes narrowed.
Oh no…
“You don’t understand what’s at stake….” Heimerdinger kept speaking, but Jayce heard none of it as the world shattered around him. His mind drowning in dread as he suddenly felt numb to the world. Heimerdinger never yells… It was all he could think. I’ve really screwed up… He’d made things worse for himself, hadn’t he?
The hole in his chest deepened as the counsellors continued mutter. His body going numb. His eyes blurring. His breathing threatening to stop.
I’m such an idiot…
He barely heard his mother intervene. He just stared into space as it the weight of this trial drowned him. Some words stood out… not in his right mind… impossible dream… foolish… unwise… they banged around in his head like explosions.
She thinks I’m crazy…
All those years of wondering… he had his answer… his mother really did think he was…
And she’s telling everyone about it…
Cold dread seeped through Jayce like poison. It spread across his boy, wrapping his chest and tightening with an immovable grip. The world was getting darker. The marks on his thighs ached. His throat squeezed. His eyes stung.
They all think I’m crazy… even mum…
“I move that Jayce be summarily expelled from the academy and remanded to the care of his parents. All those in favour?”
It’s over…
***
Rubble and dust. That’s all that was left of the place he’d chased his dream in for the last six years. Six, long, wasted years that had amounted to nothing. Every one of his blueprints were gone; the walls once painted with his ideas, nothing more than cracked, empty concrete slabs.
This place… had been his entire life… his entire world…
And now it’s just gone…
Scraps of his old inventions were scattered across the floor; twisted, broken scraps of metal that would never become what Jayce had dreamed they could be. The designs he’d slaved over, annotating, adjusting and reviewing, for months on end were shredded across the room. Singed from the explosion and blackened with burns.
Not even the faintest hint of a memory of Jayce Talis remained in this room. He’d been erased. All his work. All his hopes. All his dreams. All his reasons to live. Everything. It was all gone.
“Not in his right mind… this boy is clearly a fool… impossible dream… he’s ridiculous really… foolish… he’s an idiot at best… unwise… dad says you’re a misfit… we can’t be friends anymore…you’ve done enough…”
Jayce blinked, staring blankly into space as tears rolled silently down his face. He couldn’t feel his feet on the ground. Or the cool night air. Or the scratch of his clothes. He couldn’t feel anything. Fuck. He wanted to feel something… anything… anything at all…
But there was just nothing.
Jayce opened his eyes, staring down at the road a few floors beneath him. It looked solid and cold. He wanted to smack down onto it.
Fuck…
Jayce bit his lip as he choked for a breath he couldn’t find.
Everyone’s right… I’m crazy…
He stepped closer to the edge. Unable to see anymore, through the haze of tears clouding his vision.
I’m such an idiot…
His lower lip trembled as he stepped closer again. Barely audible gasps leaping out of his throat. His body apparently not wanting to do what his mind wanted.
I’m sorry mum…
Jayce leaned forward to-
“Am I interrupting?”