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So much happened at once that Buck couldn’t even begin to understand it all.
He was on the couch with Eddie and Christopher, laughing, playing a video game that Eddie sucked spectacularly at, and then there was this… Feeling. There was no other way to describe what it was. Like his body decided to just melt before it put itself back together. It didn’t feel like dying, because Buck knows what that feels like, but instead like he was being unwritten, then rewritten all at once. As soon as that feeling left, the house was different.
Not that different. The couch beneath him was the same, and the TV was still where it should be, but it was turned off. Christopher’s switch wasn’t sitting on the TV stand anymore. Not just that, but the light in the room had shifted, like hours had passed without him noticing. Buck had blinked, rubbed his eyes, tried to remember falling asleep on the couch, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t even laying down, or leaning back against the couch. He was sat forward, hands in the position of holding a controller, but there was no controller in his hands. The only thought in his head had been: what the fuck.
Then the key had moved in the door, and in walked Eddie. Before Buck could say anything, or even fully process the fact that he looked different, a bottle of wine was shattering at Eddie’s feet. Buck had jumped off the couch, concern written on his face.
Eddie didn’t move from the doorway.
“Are you alright? You see a ghost or something?”
Eddie wouldn’t move. Buck remembers that look on his face, the paleness to it, the way that he started to move forward like a deer in the woods. He dreams of that look still, haunted by it. Haunted by the fear that that look had sent to his heart, the smell of wine in the air, late afternoon light spilling through the windows.
“Eddie? Is everything okay? Is Christopher–” Eddie touched his face then, a gentle, feather light thing. Buck barely had time to process the touch. The moment that their skin connected, Eddie’s face collapsed.
“Buck–”
Eddie started to sob.
It was instinct to take him into his arms, to pull him close. Eddie collapsed against him, hands pressed against his chest, and he heaved. Buck had never seen him do anything like this, not even the night he had the breakdown. This was so much more, so much worse. Eddie sounded like he was going to choke on the sobs forcing their way out of his body, trying to say something over and over again as they fell to the ground together. It took Buck a while to realize what he was saying.
Buck.
It stopped after a while.
Too long for Buck to remember how long it was, but he remembers that when they finally stood, Buck couldn’t put weight on his bad leg. They’d gotten to the couch, and everything after that had been a blur. Eddie called Maddie, then Bobby, then Hen. Maddie came over with Chimney, who was just as confused as Buck, and they talked for a long time. Hen came over during that, too.
Hen cried. Maddie cried. Then Bobby came over later that night and he cried too, embracing Chim and Buck harder than Buck had ever been held in his life.
He’d been gone for five years, and he didn’t remember a thing about it.
Chim had been too, and May.
Others, of course. Half the world, actually, but Buck didn’t learn the full extent of that until much later.
No one knew what normal was supposed to be, but they tried to find it.
Buck just couldn’t find his phone.
It was a couple days before he even realized that it was missing, honestly. Everyone was at Eddie’s. Christopher came home from college (the kid had been at college); he was almost nineteen and tall, nearly as tall as his father. Christopher cried, of course he did, but more than that, he was just so happy. He talked and talked, and Buck just smiled at him, even as his heart broke. He saw the kid that he used to know in him, because Christopher would always be Christopher, but he wasn’t the same.
None of them were the same.
Jee was eleven. She had a real personality and friends and hobbies and she was going into the fourth grade and Buck had missed it all. He’d missed it all. Chimney had missed it all. Most of the time, when Buck looked at Chim, he was just looking at Jee, watching her run around, listening to her laugh, stroking her hair. He was always with Maddie, glued to her side, Maddie looking at him and Chim looking at Jee. In the blink of an eye his entire world had changed. Buck could have said he couldn’t imagine what that would be like, but he would have been lying.
(Every time Buck looked at Eddie, Eddie was already looking at him.)
It was only when people stopped staying at Eddie’s house that Buck realized his phone was gone. Everyone he cared about was in one place, then they slowly started drifting back to their own houses, trying to return to something. Not normal, but something. Their own lives.
Buck stayed at Eddie’s, and on the fourth day after he’d come back, he asked where his phone was.
“Hey, I was gonna text Maddie, make sure she got home safe, but I– Do I need to get a new phone? Or do we just need to activate service on it again?”
Eddie was next to him in the kitchen, because he was never far from him these days. They were touching as Buck cooked, shoulders brushing. Eddie initiated the contact almost every time, but Buck never moved away. Sometimes he would move closer, when he felt like Eddie was holding back.
(It turns out he was, in more ways than one.)
That contact is the reason that he felt Eddie stiffen next to him. A little crease between his brows, Buck looked over to him.
“Everything okay?”
Eddie hummed a little, shifting so that he could lean against the counter, clearly trying (and failing) to be nonchalant.
“Uh, yeah.” He started to talk, then stopped. Buck couldn’t help it, he smiled.
The days leading up to this moment weren’t normal. Buck felt like he’d been thrown into an alternate universe. Eddie’s little uh and the way that he sipped his beer just felt so normal that Buck could’ve cried with relief. He would, later, tucked into a corner of the couch with his phone in front of him.
He cried over a lot more than just that, though.
“Yeah?” Buck pressed, gently nudging him with an elbow, a teasing smile on his face.
“Yeah I– I have your phone, Buck,” Eddie finally finished, and despite the nerves that he was clearly feeling, Eddie smiled. Small, mostly with his eyes, but it was there. It might’ve been the first smile he’d had on since Buck had come back. It was beautiful. “I uh… I kept in service, so you don’t have to worry about that. You should be able to text Maddie.”
That was a surprise.
“You kept my phone in service?” Buck asked, tone gentle, no longer teasing. Eddie went quiet, looking away from Buck for the first time in four days, and shrugged a little.
“Yeah.”
Yeah didn’t even begin to cover it.
Buck didn’t go looking for his phone right away. Even after Eddie said he had it, he didn’t go to find it either. Eddie texted Maddie for Buck at that moment, because apparently Maddie and Eddie had gotten close. Like, really close. Buck had noticed the silent communication between them a few times while she had been staying at his house, and the only time that Eddie had let Buck out of his sight in those four days had been to hug her in their kitchen, their shared words too quiet for him to hear. It was odd, to see two people he knew better than anyone else in the world suddenly know one another. It was like looking through a window into someone else’s life, if only for a moment.
The next day, Eddie brought it to him.
Buck was sat on the couch, Christopher making lunch for the two of them, when Eddie had gotten up without much warning. He was back in moments, clutching something in his hands, not quite meeting Buck’s eyes.
“Eds?”
Eddie’s gaze had met his own, and there was something there. Something that Buck had seen over these last few days. It was more than just the changes that age that had played a part in on Eddie’s face over time. It was something more. Something Buck couldn’t put a finger on.
“You don’t have to give it to me if you don’t want to.” Buck had no idea why that could possibly be, but it was clear from the way that Eddie was clutching it that it was something precious to him.
A reminder that Buck had been real, maybe.
“It’s yours,” Eddie had finally said, looking down at it for a moment before handing it to him. “I… There’s a lot of stuff you might want to go through on there.”
Buck frowned, confused, but when he looked down at the screen, he saw it.
[250 missed calls]
[635 unread messages]
“Wha–”
“A lot of people used it as a… A way to communicate with you while you were gone.”
Eddie’s voice was tense. Buck couldn’t stop staring, reading the top message from Eddie over and over again, the only one that he could see. It didn’t make sense.
“You don’t have to go through it all but… We missed you, ba– Buck.” Buck slowly looked up from his phone, and there was that look again. Eddie had reached out, the same way he had when Buck came back, fingers brushing across his face gently. Buck wanted to melt into it. He did, later, but in that moment, he had to keep himself together.
“I want to.”
“Okay,” Eddie’s hand had dropped. Buck’s skin felt cold. “Come get me when you’re done.”
Then Eddie had left, collected Christopher from the kitchen, and Buck was alone.
He swallowed, swiped on his phone, and started to read.
June 27th, 2025
[2:25am] Missed call from: Eddie
[2:27am] Missed call from: Eddie
[2:29am] Missed call from: Eddie
[2:30am] Voicemail from: Eddie
“Hey Buck, um, happy birthday….” There was a sniff. Eddie’s voice was slurred, the way that he gets when he’s drunk. The pause went on for so long that Buck thought that the message might’ve ended there, but then his voice came back. It was clear from the sound of his voice that he’d been crying. It was a tone Buck would recognize anywhere. “I just missed you today– I miss you every day, every fucking day. I always turn around to say something to you and you’re not there, and Hen’s going through it too, you know? I see her do the same thing. Today I just– I needed you. I need you now, still, and you’re not here. I wanna be mad, you know? It would be so much easier to be mad that you’re the one that’s gone, that you left me here without you, but I’m not mad. I’m just….” There was a noise that sounded like a sob. Buck wanted to vomit. “I’m so sad. I’m empty. I needed to hear your voice. I wish you would pick up. Please pick up, Buck. Please, please, I need you to pick up–”
It was a while before Buck could keep scrolling through the messages, but somehow, he had managed.
July 1st, 2025
Message from: Eddie
[5:54pm]
Apparently a lot of people are texting the phones of the people that disappeared.
[6:00pm]
I don’t know. Feels kind of dumb to me.
[6:02pm]
Chris suggested I do it, though, and I told him he could, too. He told me he’d do it if I did it, so I’m doing it for him.
[6:15pm]
I just want you to answer.
[6:30pm]
This isn’t helping.
August 27th, 2025
[1:25am]
Chris is fifteen.
[1:30am]
It’s his first birthday without you here since he was seven. He spent half of his birthdays with you until now.
[1:37am]
You would’ve loved a fact like that.
[1:40am]
It’s not a birthday without you. I don’t know when that became true, but it is. Somewhere in the first year, for sure. You were never not family, you know? Even when you were being a dick.
December 25th, 2025
[3:02am] Missed call from: Eddie
[3:04am] Missed call from: Eddie
[3:06am] Missed call from: Eddie
[3:10am] Voicemail from: Eddie
“Please, Buck, please, come on, I need you to be here, I can’t do this without you, I don’t know what to do without you, it’s Christmas, you’re supposed to be home for Christmas, you’ve always been home for Christmas, and Chris– Chris can’t take this– He lost me then Shannon then you and it’s too much for him he needs you I need you back, Buck, please, please, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do–”
January 1st, 2026
Message from: Eddie
[12:00am]
Happy New Year, Buck.
[1:00am]
I don’t want to go into the new year without you
[2:30am]
I don’t want this year buck I dont want to do it witout yu I need you bck okay???
[2:32am]
Hen sys I need to go back to frank but I don’t want therapy I just wnt you to be back here with me in my house and I shouldnt have moved okay? I shouldntve wasted any time I had with you I’m so stupid stupid I’m so sorry I was so stupid I shuldve stayed and I know I cambe back but you felt like I left you but I never wanted to leve you I just wanted our famly back and I want it back now plese please
February 14th, 2026
Message from: Eddie
[1:30pm]
So, I finally went back to Frank. Hen is proud of me, of course. He likes that I’ve been texting and calling you, which is kinda crazy to me but whatever. I didn’t exactly tell him that I’ve been calling you obsessively to hear your voice, or mostly texting when I’m drunk or having a panic attack or you know. Both at the same time. Whatever.
[1:35pm]
He said it’s normal to miss you, obviously. He just doesn’t get it I don’t think. Is it normal to feel like this? You’re my best friend. Frank would tell me to say that you were my best friend, but fuck Frank. You are my best friend.
[1:37pm]
Hen is going through it, too, but I keep looking at Maddie. She’s a mess, Buck. I mean she’s strong, she’s incredible, but she’s a mess. With Chim and you she’s
[1:39pm]
We’ve been spending a lot of time together talking about you and Chim and me helping her out with Jee. It’s been nice honestly. It’s one of the things that helps the most. Getting to talk about you feels good. I miss talking to you. I like talking about you but it’s not the same.
[1:42pm]
Anyway I think I talk about you the same way she talks about Chim
June 27th, 2026
[8:20pm]
[Missed call from: Eddie]
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: A very orange sunset over the beach at Santa Monica]
[8:22pm]
Happy birthday, Buck. I took Chris to Santa Monica for you. We ate pizza and played video games when we got home. We’re gonna go to the zoo tomorrow. It’s like a whole Buck birthday extravaganza. You’d love it. I wish we’d done more for them when you were here.
[8:30pm]
That sunset. I just keep thinking about it. We used to love to watch them together, just cause Chris loved to watch them but I always loved the orange ones the best cause I loved orange on you. Like who the fuck can pull off orange? You could. Of course you could.
[8:45pm]
It felt like you were there kinda. Like I could’ve looked over and you would’ve been sitting there with a dumb grin on your face already looking back at me. I wish you’d just look at the fucking sunset instead of at me and I’d pretend I was irritated but it was really because I just wanted to look at you look at something beautiful because you were the beautiful thing I went to Santa Monica to watch
[9:27pm]
I’m a little afraid I’m never going to see anything as beautiful as you ever again
[11:52pm]
I’m even more afraid that I’m in love with you
July 13th, 2026
[2:15am] Missed call from: Eddie
[2:17am] Missed call from: Eddie
[Message from: Eddie]
[2:20am]
It really realy realy really can’t happen like this Buck what the fuck
[2:22am] Missed call from: Eddie
[Voicemail from: Eddie]
“Just pick up, okay?” His voice isn’t slurred this time, but hushed. It’s the middle of the night, he’s probably trying to keep from waking Christopher up, but beyond that, Buck can tell it’s the sound of his voice when he’s crying. “I know you’re not going to, but… But I need you to, okay? Cause I can’t figure this out on my own. I’m– I was sitting there at– At the beach on your birthday and I was laughing with Christopher about one of your stories, I can’t even remember which one, and I turned to my left and I swear you were there, it was like– Not a hallucination, I’m not having a psychotic break but you– I could feel you, and I was so happy. It was the first time I’ve felt really happy in over a year and I just– I felt like I thought I should when I was supposed to be in love. That’s the feeling they write about, you know? The feeling at the end of the stupid rom coms that Maddie and I watch together and I’ve never gotten it but we– We watched when Harry Met Sally, and I watched them kiss at midnight and I thought, oh my god. That’s Buck. But I don’t want it to be you. Cause if it’s you then I fucked this all up I did it wrong and you’re gone and you’re never going to know and I don't want you to be just another thing that I did wrong in my life when you should have been the one thing I did right, please–”
August 27th, 2026
[Message from: Eddie]
[12:00am]
Christopher is sixteen.
October 2nd, 2026
[Message from: Eddie]
[6:45am]
It’s stupid that I’m nervous for my appointment with Frank like who the fuck gets nervous to go to a therapy appointment jesus christ
[6:46am]
He keeps leading me to talk about you more which is literally the point of why I’m going to therapy but I literally don’t want to talk about you since I had that weird fucking fuckkkk fucking fuckkkkkk
[7:01am]
I don’t want to tell anyone but you that I’m in love with you
[7:05am]
Frank sucks
[7:34am]
He’s gonna make me say that I was in love with you.
[7:35am]
Past tense.
[7:37am]
I can’t do that.
[7:45am] Missed call from: Eddie
December 25th, 2026
[Message from: Eddie]
[5:22am]
Merry Christmas, Buck.
[5:25am]
I would’ve kissed you under the mistletoe I think. Maybe as our first kiss. If I figured it out on your birthday with you here I don’t think I could’ve waited this long though. I would’ve done it right there on the beach in front of Chris and he would’ve fucking hated it.
[5:29am]
That’s a bad idea actually. It probably wouldn’t have been an appropriate kiss to have in front of our child.
[5:45am]
I think about it, you know. Kissing you. You touching me. Your hands and your eyes and the way your chest moved when you breathed. I can’t stop thinking about it. Not since I did it once. It’s like an addiction. I dream about it too. Sometimes it’s so real I
[11:00pm]
It’s so real that I wake up and break because I forget that you’re gone
[11:15pm]
I wish I could forget you’re gone
[11:20pm]
Instead it’s all I remember
January 1st, 2027
[Message from: Eddie]
[12:00am]
Happy New Year, Buck.
[12:02am]
Frank says we have to move forward.
[12:03am]
I’m trying.
March 8th, 2027
[Message from: Eddie]
[4:33pm]
I’m gay.
[4:35pm]
I told Chris first then you. I’m gonna come out to the team tomorrow. Hen will probably make a banner since Chim can’t. I miss you. You would’ve tried to be normal about it and failed spectacularly
May 18th, 2027
[Message from: Eddie]
[3:47pm]
[Image attached: Jee-Yun in the center of the picture in a graduation cap and gown, cheesing at the camera. Maddie is crouched behind her with a bouquet of flowers held up in the air in triumph, a wide smile on her face.]
Jee graduated from kindergarten today how the fuck is she old enough for that to happen
[3:49pm]
Maddie cried through the entire ceremony and I held her hand. Hen and Karen came too and so did Bobby. It was like it was her high school graduation. It was nice to have a win. I heard she graduated with honors.
June 12th, 2027
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: Hen with Karen on her back. Karen has a lesbian flag wrapped around her shoulders. She is wearing glittery makeup with eyeshadow the color of the lesbian flag.]
[10:02pm]
Hen and Karen took me to pride today.
[10:05pm]
I had fun, Buck. I had real fun.
[10:12pm]
There were a lot of guys dressed really scantily. I felt kinda overdressed without my nipples out. I would’ve liked to go with you, I think. You would’ve gotten more dressed up if you were there. Maybe worn a bi flag.
[10:15pm]
Like Chim’s bachelor party, remember? Hen said Chim went with her a few years ago. I forgot about that. He got hit on so many times. So did I actually. You would’ve hated it and I would’ve thought it was cute.
[10:21pm]
I’m just starting to realize that I was never my real self before. I wonder what I would’ve been like if I’d been able to be. Now I’m just this version.
[10:25pm]
Like I’m half a man. I wonder what it would’ve been like to be whole.
June 27th, 2027
[12:00am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[12:18am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[12:34am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[12:40][Missed call from: Eddie]
[12:45am][Voicemail from: Eddie]
“Hey, Buck. Happy birthday.” There’s a long pause. Buck can hear sniffling. His voice is choked up as he speaks. “Is this ever gonna get easier? Frank– Frank says it’s going to. Other people say that it has for them, you know, and with Shannon– I didn’t forget her, I didn’t stop thinking about her, but it did get easier. Christopher and I still celebrate her birthday together but it’s not like this– It doesn’t feel like this, and I– I don’t– I’m just so sorry, baby, I never even got to call you anything but Buck, and now when I think about you all I can think of you as is mi amor, or mi vida, or baby, and it doesn’t make any sense but I–” There’s another long pause. Buck can hear Eddie choke down a sob, sniffle, then take a deep breath. “I wasted our life together. We had almost ten years and I wasted it by lying to myself and to you and my kid… I should’ve told you every single day that I love you. From the day that we met, I should’ve made sure you knew that you were loved and you d– you died not knowing that. You’re never going to know that. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” There’s a stretch of silence. Eddie just breathes. Buck breathes with him. “I love you, Buck. That’s it.”
July 22nd, 2027
[Message from: Eddie]
[5:20pm]
I told Frank I’m in love with you. He’s the only person I’ve told. Only living person I’ve told.
[5:22pm]
You would’ve laughed at that.
(Buck does.)
[5:30pm]
I miss your laugh. I wish your voicemail were longer so I didn’t have to call it so many times to hear it.
[5:44pm]
I have videos obviously. I watch them all the time. It’s not like I can’t hear your voice whenever I want to but there’s something about calling you that makes me think when I get your voicemail that you just might pick up
[6:00pm]
I wish you would.
August 27th, 2027
[Message from: Eddie
[12:02am]
Christopher is seventeen. Seventeen fucking years old. He’s almost as tall as me now. It’s crazy Buck. You wouldn’t believe this kid. He’s texted you, called you and left you some voicemails so you know how deep his voice has gotten by now too. It’s like he’s becoming this little man and he was before but now it’s like. I don’t know how I called him a man before.
[12:08am]
He starts his senior year of high school next week. We’ve filled out college applications. I’m fucking scared. When he leaves me in this house alone I’m gonna be so happy for him but I’m going to go out of my mind. Out of my fucking mind.
October 31st, 2027
[Message from: Eddie]
[7:32pm]
I just dropped Christopher off for his first big Halloween party as a high schooler. People love that kid cause I mean obviously, he’s the best of all of us, of course he’s gonna be popular, but man. It’s kinda scary.
[7:45pm]
I tried saying no at first but I really had no reason not to let him go you know? I don’t want his friends to think I’m not a cool dad
“You’re not.” Buck says out loud.
[7:46pm]
I am a cool dad Buck I don’t care what you say
January 1st, 2028
[12:00am]
[Image attached: Eddie, Maddie, Jee and Christopher with 2028 glasses on, party hats on their head, blowing party blowers into the camera]
Happy New Year, Buck. It’s the first one since you’ve been gone that I’ve been with family. It feels good. We miss you.
February 14th, 2028
[Message from: Eddie]
[9:22pm]
I told Maddie I’m in love with you today. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to tell her. She said the same thing. She said she’s known for like eight years which is insane but whatever.
[9:25pm]
I told her so we could spend Valentine’s Day together. It’s stupid. It’s not like you and I were ever together. I don’t have any right to want company today. I don’t even know if you loved me back.
[9:43pm]
She says that you did.
[10:57pm]
I hoep that you didn’t I dont know if I want you to have loved me or not I don’t know if that makes this worse or better I jsut really dont know if anything cwill make it better buck buck
[11:12pm][Missed call from: Eddie]
[11:55pm][Missed call from: Eddie]
[12:04am]
Guess I’ll never know so it doesn’t matter huh
March 16th, 2028
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: Maddie at Boston Harbor, a large wooden ship behind her, smiling at the camera]
[3:34pm]
We went to Boston for St Patrick’s Day because she was missing Chimney. I planned it for her. She was talking about missing him this time of year because this was when he found her in Boston and she saw Jee again. So I bought us plane tickets. I’ve never been to the east coast. You’d hate it. It’s cold. It’s pretty and the people are funny but you hate the cold. Christopher’s loving it though. I’m scared he’s gonna try to go this far away for college. We miss you.
[3:40pm]
I love you.
June 24th, 2028
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: Christopher in his graduation cap and gown with Eddie standing beside him, a grin on his face and tears in his eyes. Christopher holds a bouquet of flowers.]
[8:22pm]
Christopher graduated high school today.
[9:03pm]
I wish you were here, Buck.
[9:38pm]
This is so hard without you. It would be hard even if you were here.
[9:40pm]
He didn’t have his mom or you. Just me. I think I pulled it together for him. I’ve been trying to this year. Seems like it’s been long enough that I should start to. Maddie’s been a rock for Jee through it all and I’ve been a complete mess I’m so sick of failing my son because I can’t keep it together
[9:43pm]
We raised the best kid Buck.
[9:45pm]
He deserves a better father than me.
June 27th, 2028
[12:01am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[12:06am][Voicemail from: Eddie]
“One, two, three… Happy birthday to you!” The singing starts, but it isn’t just Eddie’s voice. It’s Maddie, and Jee, and Christopher, all of their voices distinguishable through the song, and they’re laughing. They sound happy. “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Buck!” “Dear Evan–””No, no it’s Buck! Dear Buck–” Eddie starts laughing, and so does Jee, Maddie sounding closer when she speaks again. “Happy birthday Evan. We miss you!” There was some chatting, the phone being passed around a little, then most of the voices fade into the background, Maddie and Jee and Christopher’s voices all getting quieter, then the sound of a door closing. “Hey, Buck. Happy birthday, babe. I… We decided to spend it together this year. I think Christopher– God, he’s just gotten so perceptive about me. I forget how old he is sometimes, that he can figure out what’s going on with me. Maybe I’m just not as good about hiding it as I used to be, I don’t know. The point is, I think he told Maddie what was going on with me, he didn’t want me to be alone on your birthday again. I’ve been trying to hide it from him these past few years but… Like I said. He’s always been too smart for his own good……… Anyway. I should get back to them. Thanks for having such an awesome sister. I wish we were closer when you were around. We would’ve bullied you so hard… I love you. Bye.”
August 27th, 2028
[12:00am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[Message from: Eddie]
[12:02am]
Christopher and I leave to drop him off at college in the morning. Funny that his move in date is on his birthday. Feels kinda like a cruel joke.
[9:32pm][Missed call from: Eddie]
[9:45pm][Voicemail from: Eddie]
“Hey Buck… I just dropped Chris off at his dorm. He's… he’s all set up. I tried to get him some stuff to spruce the place up a bit but he didn’t really ask for much. I did get him a bunch of gift cards for different places to eat since he won’t really be able to cook for himself. He’s uh… I told think I’ve told you, but he’s gotten kind of good at the cooking thing since you’ve… Since he knows I can’t take care of myself. He even took on food science as a minor. Knowing you… you wouldn’t have let the whole dorm thing stop him. You’d have gotten him a rice cooker and one of those little mini cooktops and a Hildy coffee maker and you both would have laughed at me about it the whole drive to campus… He’s gonna be hours away from home.” Eddie’s voice paused. There’s some shuffling, a sniff, and when he speaks again, his voice is thick. “I’m so fucking nervous Buck I’m—” There’s another pause, some shouting in the background, Eddie swearing softly before he comes back to the phone. “Sorry, there’s someone being loud outside my motel room. Decided to stay overnight, you know. Just in case Chris needs anything before I go. He probably won’t. He’s so grown up. You should see him. Fuck, I wish you were here. I needed you here, you know? I’ve been– This day was gonna be so happy. It was happy. I’m so proud, I– he’s gonna go so far, but then I’m... Uh… I better go. Try to get some sleep. Gotta head out early in the morning… I love you, Buck.”
August 28th, 2028
[6:40am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[7:07am][Voicemail from: Eddie]
“Hey, Buck. I just started the drive home so I’ll be alone for a couple hours. I put on Taylor Swift cause it reminded me of you but I only got through the first song on Folklore and… I just remember when it first came out and you were so excited about it. That was when we were still all holed up in your loft. It was all that we listened to for two weeks before Hen said she was going to smash your speaker unless you put something else on. It’s a good album. That first song though, man. I think I get it more than I did back then. It only took eight years but… Yeah. I get it. Um, anyway. Just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you, not that I’m ever not thinking of you but– Yeah. You know. Um. If I hang up the phone then I’m really alone in the car, so. Mind sitting with me for a little while? Okay. Thanks. Love you.”
September 1st, 2028
[10:14pm][Missed call from: Eddie]
[10:56pm][Missed call from: Eddie]
[1:03am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[1:12am][Missed call from: Eddie]
September 16th, 2028
[4:03am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[4:05am][Missed call from: Eddie]
September 20th, 2028
[Message from: Eddie]
[2:38am]
Can’t fall back t osleep
[2:40am]
I’m trying to sleep I promise I just haven’t been able to
[2:43am]
Keep dreaming about you and Chris and the orange sunsets and your smile
[3:01am]
They’re so worried about me I can tell the way that they look atme is different they know that I’m alone in this house and Chris is doing so well at school and Im here just here
[3:13am]
I used t obe so good at hiding it and I don’t know whe nI stopped being good at it but maybe I was never as good as I thought I was maybe you just made it all okay
September 24th, 2028
[Message from: Eddie]
[6:29pm]
Bobby sent me home from my shift.
October 1st, 2028
[1:48am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[1:50am][Missed call from: Eddie]
[Message from: Eddie]
[2:00am]
can’t stop fuckin dreaming abt you i don’t kno whatt od i n this empty house i feel like im going insane buck buckk buck cuv buck buck nuck ck
[2:07am]
it wont stop buck i need it to stop i n eed to make it stop and i diont know how to make it sto p
[2:15am]
i need you i need iou i need soeomene in this house i feel like im going to die its just so empty please i’m so empty bcuk just tell me how to breth e again okay i need you to tell me to hold it for four then let it ou to for four then breathe fo r four pbplease tell me how to breahte idont know how to breathe anymore what if i dont wan to breath anymore what if ii’m done brething what if i want to be done
October 2nd, 2028
[Message from: Eddie]
[9:02am]
Maddie and Hen found me in a pile of my own vomit on the kitchen table yesterday.
[9:05am]
Hen’s staying with me for a couple days. Making an emergency meeting with Frank.
[9:43am]
Bobby’s gonna come over too I guess
[7:08pm]
I’m not an alcoholic. Honestly. Bobby doesn’t think I am at least. I don’t think I am either. He just thinks I fell back on an unhealthy coping mechanism cause Chris is gone and I didn’t know what else to do. I’m gonna go to an AA meeting with him anyway.
[11:56pm]
I loved you.
October 3rd, 2028
[Message from: Eddie]
[5:02am]
Saying it didn’t help me sleep.
October 13th, 2028<
[Message from: Eddie]
[3:13pm]
Hen convinced me to finally get certified as an actual paramedic
[3:15pm]
She thought I could use the distraction.
[4:00pm]
She was right.
December 25th, 2028
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: Christopher under the Christmas tree with Jee-Yun, both of them wearing Santa hats, wrapping paper strewn about around them]
[10:29am]
It’s good to have the house full again
January 1st, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[12:00am]
Happy New Year, Buck.
[1:17am]
I just think it’s stupid that Frank wants me to say that I loved you past tense. I think you’d agree with me. I do love you. I love you now in your absence. I loved you while you were here. I love you and I loved you and I will love you. I get that he wants me to move on and try to leave you in the past where you belong but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop loving you. I’m not about to leave you again. You’re going wherever I go forever. If I loved you then I love you and I’ll love you. Present tense.
April 23rd, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: Bobby in his dress blues, Athena at his side, a hand on his chest, smiling softly up at him]
[Image attached: Hen in her dress blues, Karen at her side. They’re both laughing. Karen’s head is thrown back from it and Hen is leaning forward, nearly doubled over.]
[3:20pm]
Bobby’s retirement ceremony and Hen’s captain induction were today. Everyone was crying. It felt good. Chim should’ve been here to see this. He would’ve cried more than all of us combined.
May 9th, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[5:23pm]
Christopher is home for the summer thank fucking god
[5:23pm]
We’re gonna go to Texas for a couple weeks. Spend some time with my parents. It’ll be good for us I think. Get out of LA.
May 13th, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: An orange sunset over a lake in El Paso]
[8:21pm]
The sunset reminded me of you.
May 14th, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: Eddie’s sister Sophia with an infant in her arms, wrapped in a pink blanket. The baby is sleeping soundly and Sophia is smiling down at her]
[1:14pm]
Sophia had a little girl. Her name is Isabel. I love her. I forgot how little they are at this age. I barely got to see Christopher like this. I think I would’ve liked to have another one if I’d had the chance. Maybe a little girl.
August 27th, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[6:21am]
Christopher is nineteen. He’s gonna be twenty in a year. Can you believe that?
[6:43am]
I drop him back off at school in a couple days. I promise not to try to kill myself again this year.
[6:45am]
That’s a joke, Buck. You don’t have to get so serious about it.
(Buck had gotten serious about it, made a noise that sounded like a wounded animal, but the next text made him laugh. It was just like Eddie to do that to him.)
September 8th, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[7:13pm]
They ran a special on the beenado today. I guess it’s been five years since then?? Fucking crazy. We weren’t featured in it but I liked remembering it anyway. That was a fun day before the plane accident. You were always so smart. I trusted you so much. I don’t have anyone I trust that much now.
September 9th, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[3:10pm]
Did you know that honey bees never sleep? I could’ve been one in another life.
November 3rd, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[1:08pm]
I’m going on a date tonight.
[1:10pm]
I wanna throw up.
[7:23pm]
I made it through appetizers and one drink and I had to go
[7:30pm]
I feel kinda bad honestly I just left the poor guy sitting there but I couldn’t do it Buck it just felt so wrong
[8:56pm]
Why did it feel like I was cheating on you? This is why Frank wants me to say was. Past tense loved you. I was in love with you, I did love you, I loved you. So that I can go on a stupid date and have a stupid boyfriend and maybe a dumb husband and for what? So that I’m not lonely?
[9:00pm]
I’m always gonna be fucking lonely Buck
[9:04pm]
Might as well not torture any men while I’m at it. I did enough of that with women for a lifetime
[10:03pm]
You know why I left the date? The real reason? More than just feeling like I was cheating on you?
[10:05pm]
He had blonde curly hair and blue eyes but he sounded nothing like you
December 25th, 2029
[Message from: Eddie]
[8:12am]
Merry Christmas, Buck.
January 1st, 2030
[Missed call from: Eddie]
[Message from: Eddie]
[12:02am]
Happy New Year, Buck. I miss you. I love you. I hope wherever you are that you’re happy.
May 29th, 2030
[Message from: Eddie]
[Image attached: Eddie in his dress blues, a pin on the jacket, smiling just a little at the camera]
[7:02pm]
Well I did it. I got my paramedic license. Hen was right. I needed it.
[7:05pm]
I’m happy, Buck.
[7:09pm]
It feels nice.
June 27th, 2030
[Missed call from: Eddie]
[Message from: Eddie]
[12:02am]
We’re here again, huh?
[12:05am]
It just never stops, time. You’re always gonna be frozen on my couch though, laughing at the show we were watching, a beer in your hand. That’s how I remember you. I hope you know that that’s how I remember you. Beautiful. Perfect. Happy. Sometimes I go back to that moment in my mind and just let myself look at you. I let myself think of what it would’ve been like if I’d reached out and kissed you like I wanted to. I think about if I would’ve ever been brave enough to do it or if I could only ever figure out that I love you once you were gone. Sounds like me, doesn’t it? My fucking luck. Anyway. Happy birthday, Buck. I love you.
That’s the last text message on Buck’s phone.
It’s a week later. One week ago Eddie was texting his phone telling him that he loves him, present tense, never quite breaking past that barrier that Frank had tried to put up for him.
Buck sits on the couch in Eddie’s living room, the place that he had disappeared from five years ago, and more than anything, he feels guilt. He isn’t happy, but there’s always been a part of him that Buck has been ashamed of. It’s the wounded animal inside of him that lashed out when Eddie first joined the team, that was formed over and over again in his parent’s dismissal, in Maddie abandoning him in the hospital, in Abby walking away at the airport, in Tommy breaking up with him in the kitchen. That animal purrs to know that Eddie never, ever moved on. Five years had passed since Buck left, and yet Eddie never got up off this couch to move forward. They were both here, frozen in time, until the moment that Buck stood up again. Only then did Eddie follow.
There are tears running down his face; they’ve been there for some time. Buck doesn’t know how much time has passed. Some of the messages he’s listened to over and over again, just to hear Eddie say that he loves him. There’s one that he keeps going back to, though. One he’s read more times than he can count, until the words beat a rhythm like a song in his mind.
If I love you then I love you and I will love you.
Eddie loves him.
Buck blinks, the room around him swimming into focus. He feels like he did a few months ago, when he was sitting here, trying to come to terms with the fact that Eddie was moving to El Paso. Sitting on this same couch, figuring out the fact that Eddie only realized once Buck was gone. Figuring out that he loves Eddie, and he loves him, and he will love him.
When Buck looks up toward the kitchen, Eddie is standing there, wringing his hands together nervously. Exactly how Buck remembers and yet so different all the same.
“H-How long have you been there?” Buck asks, voice raw. Maybe he’s been sitting on this couch for hours. It could have been days. He has no way of knowing.
Eddie waited for him either way.
“I… I don’t know. Since 2028, at least. Around the breakdown.” Eddie says the words carefully, clearly trying not to put a foot wrong. It’s ridiculous. It makes Buck cry again, fresh tears swimming into his vision. The moment that they spill, Eddie is moving, kneeling in front of him. There are hands on his face, thumbs swiping the tears away, pulling Eddie’s nearly forty year old face into perfect focus.
“Hey, it’s okay Buck, I’m alright, I’m here–”
Buck laughs just a little, because it’s ridiculous. Eddie is comforting him, after all that he’s been through. Eddie is comforting him.
“I’m so sorry, Eddie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to put you through all of that and you–”
“Hey, you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do that on purpose, did you? You’d never leave me on purpose, I–” Eddie’s voice cracks, one of his hands finding Buck’s and squeezing. Buck’s free hand finally moves, shaking as it cups Eddie’s face. His thumb finds wetness and oh. Eddie’s crying, too.
“But I did leave and you…” Buck’s voice trails off. The next time he tries to open his mouth to speak, it’s broken up by a sob.
Eddie doesn’t speak again. Instead, he pulls on Buck’s hand, and Buck follows, always going where he’s led. They end up on the ground together, backs pressed against the couch, leaning all of their weight onto each other like they have no other way to stay grounded. Buck’s wet cheek is pressed against Eddie’s shoulder, and they cry. Buck doesn’t know if he’s shaking or if Eddie’s shaking, so he decides that if Eddie is shaking, he’s going to shake, too. If Eddie is crying, he’s going to cry, too.
“I’m sorry because I’m being selfish,” Buck finally explains, when they’ve been sitting on the ground long enough for his bad leg to start aching. The pain brings him back to reality, reminds him that he does have something to apologize for. More than the things that he can’t control. Before Eddie speaks, he takes Buck’s leg and straightens it out. The pain eases immediately.
“What are you talking about?” Eddie asks softly, a hand on his face, where it always should be.
“I’m– You– You didn’t move on, Eds. You didn’t leave me.” Buck’s face twists up a little, guilt and shame and love all in equal measurements. He doesn’t want to meet Eddie’s eyes, but he doesn’t have a choice. Eddie chases his gaze down, forces them to meet. Forcing Buck’s shame to meet the love he doesn’t deserve. There’s a baptism in his words, in his gaze. Buck’s shame is seen, and it is held like glass in Eddie’s hands. It is washed of its impurities and made whole, because it is Eddie that’s holding it.
“I will never leave you, Evan Buckley. Even if you never come back to me, I will be here.”
Eddie leans forward, their foreheads pressed together. Buck closes his eyes into it.
“Because I love you, and I will love you.”
Later, Buck and Eddie will kiss, and they won’t stop for a long time. They’ll hold each other and sleep in the same bed for the first time in ten years. It won’t be the same as it was then, but that’s a good thing. It shouldn’t be. They are different people now. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other. It just means that they can love each other better.
They will catch up. Eddie will be able to talk about the five years away from him in his own way. Christopher will talk to Buck endlessly, take a week off of school because it takes that long to ease the ache in Buck’s chest from the sight of him. Buck will drive them all back to campus together, and Buck and Eddie will listen to Folklore on the way home. Eddie will cry, and Buck will hold him.
Later, Buck will propose.
They will get married on a sunny day, and they will promise in front of their family that they will never be apart again. They will keep that promise.
Some days will be worse than others, but they will always be together.
But for now, right now, they sit on the floor.
They hold one another.
“I love you, too.”
And that’s enough.