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Sometimes, when the light of the sunset streamed through the window at just the right angle, Kawi looked magical. He looked like his skin and hair contained the glow of something beyond understanding. Pisaeng stared openly in those moments, admiring the look but also beating down the fear in his heart.
Because in those moments, Kawi looked like he might disappear with the light.
Pisaeng only travelled with the magical snow globe twice – once to the past and once to return to the future. But he remembered the way the light warped and shifted around him. Perhaps it was because Kawi had used it so much more than Pisaeng, or because it had been created for him to begin with, but when the sunlight turned Kawi ethereal, Pisaeng could swear he saw the light smoking and twisting around Kawi. Just a little bit.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Kawi always promised him. “I’m happy with my life the way it is. There’s no more need to time travel.”
“Don’t leave me,” Pisaeng always whispered back as they hugged.
“I won’t. Never again.”
Pisaeng would likely never hear the whole story – all of the lives that Kawi now had living in his head. According to the other man, his memories of his life always had to play catchup whenever he traveled back to the future. He’d figure out how everything worked, what had changed, in pieces. Upon returning to the past, he lost a lot of those memories, but some always hung around. Kawi remembered that he shouldn’t drink, that drinking had cost him everything he loved in one universe. Kawi remembered that he loved Pisaeng – that losing him had been the last straw in Kawi’s fight against the truth.
“I’ll never take you for granted. I swear. I lost you once, and that was already too much,” Kawi had said. He didn’t want to go into detail, and Pisaeng understood.
When he’d thought he would lose Kawi to illness, it was the worst time of Pisaeng’s life. He didn’t want to explain the details of that to anyone either. So even though Pisaeng didn’t know all the details, and even though he had no memories from other timelines, Pisaeng was grateful to those other hims, those other Kawis. Without them, he wouldn’t have the Kawi he loved.
Kawi sat on the couch, strumming his guitar and working on new music. His gentle voice drifted over to Pisaeng at the edge of the hall, but the words were half-formed and unintelligible. For all Pisaeng knew, it could be a song about a sandwich. It still sounded sweet.
As the sunlight faded and Kawi remained, Pisaeng’s fears came to rest. With a deep breath, Pisaeng entered the room and took a seat beside his lover. There, he wrapped his arms around Kawi’s waist and leaned his head against the back of Kawi’s shoulder. The songwriter had stopped composing and set his guitar aside as soon as Pisaeng headed his way, which was probably a testament to how often Pisaeng did it. He’d become predictable.
“Everything okay?” Kawi asked.
“I just wanted to hug you because I love you. Got a problem with that?” Pisaeng said, soft but slightly snarky.
Kawi chuckled and shook his head, but he also put his hands over Pisaeng’s and gently caressed the skin there.
“Was it the light again?” he asked, a little more serious. When Pisaeng didn’t respond, that was answer enough. “Next time, come over and run your fingers through my hair while it’s happening. See and feel for yourself that I’m not disappearing.”
“I know,” Pisaeng assured. “It just makes me appreciate what we have.” He pulled back slightly so he could look into Kawi’s eyes. “I love you so much, Kawi.”
His boyfriend’s smile was somehow so young and so wise at the same time. “I love you too. Everywhere and all the time.”
Raising a suspicious eyebrow, Pisaeng asked, “Even in the timelines where you were still in love with Praemai?”
Kawi’s smile became unstable as he debated this idea and started to laugh. “Listen, I love you in every timeline that matters, alright? I’d have loved you in all of them, but I haven’t always been this smart, you know?”
“Don’t I know it,” Pisaeng teased.
“Oi, now!” Kawi protested.
He tried to pinch Pisaeng’s nose, but Pisaeng dodged and then shifted them until he could force Kawi down onto the couch. Then Pisaeng rubbed their noses together. He kissed Kawi twice and then soaked up the answering smile from his lover. Slowly, he lowered himself to lie half beside and half on top of Kawi on the couch, enjoying the rise and fall of his chest.
“I need to make dinner,” Kawi reminded Pisaeng after a moment.
But the other shook his head against Kawi’s chest. “Not yet. Stay with me a moment.”
Kawi let him. Pisaeng often fell asleep that way – one hand wrapped around Kawi and one hanging limply, and Kawi pet his hair the entire time. This time, Pisaeng held his boyfriend close and promised to always treat him right.
As the sunlight reminded him, tomorrow was not a guarantee, and time travel was no longer an option. They had to do their best with the time given to them. Pisaeng turned his head into Kawi’s chest, took a deep breath, and relaxed so much that he started to fall asleep as usual.
“I love you,” he whispered again without opening his eyes.
Quiet but fond, Kawi murmured back. “I love you too, Pisaeng. But don’t fall asleep here. I really do need to go cook.... Pisaeng..... Pisaeng?... Oi, I said don’t fall asleep. I will roll you onto the floor. Don’t tempt me. Pisaeng?”