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When the moon was full and visible from Heavy’s side of the room, the white light shined through his window, creating a natural but dim light along his desk. He paused his scrolling through his phone, taking a second to glance at the time on his phone. It was nearing 11 p.m. He sighed, impatient. His battery was getting low. At this point, he would have to leave the house with the rapidly dwindling percentage at forty-two.
Heavy wasn’t a fan of staying up late. Had he opted in for a night like the previous ones, he would been asleep by now. It certainly didn’t help that he’d turned off his bedroom light. All the darkness in his room was giving his body the impression that it was time to be sleepy. But he needed it off to make it seem like he was sleeping. The door making a joint entrance between his room and Dee’s was cracked slightly open. He assumed Dee hadn’t noticed the door being ajar since he hadn’t gone yet to close it. Heavy needed it open at least a little so he could hear.
There were hints of movement coming from Dee’s room. Finally. Heavy felt like he’d been waiting forever, only guessing when he would finally be hearing something of value. He leapt up and shuffled over to the end of his bed, pulling the door open a bit to see what was happening. Dee wasn’t immediately in sight. That was probably a sign Dee couldn’t see him from wherever he was. Heavy was right, as he was sitting on his bed with his back to the door when he peeked in, appearing to be putting his shoes on.
Shoot, he was getting so close to leaving. Heavy got out of bed as quietly as he could and started throwing on his jacket and shoes. The quick and haphazard lace tying would have to do for now. He could fix it later.
By the time he slipped his phone into his pocket, Dee was already exiting the premises through his window. He left, Heavy entered, and he watched Dee until he was far away from the house to notice being followed. Tonight, Heavy was going to find out where Dee always snuck off to so late at night.
The trek towards his choice of getaway proved more taxing as the minutes went by. Dee knew he would be grateful in the long run for having worn a thick hoodie. There wasn’t any wind, but the air was chilly. Fingerless gloves couldn’t do half the job regular gloves could, they were better than nothing. The route he was taking made for a scenic walk, at least.
His eyes switched between looking straight ahead and looking down at the ground he walked on. Walking until he got to the spot he was searching for. A playground not too far from their house. The walk from his house wasn’t nearly as bad as when he had to walk here from school. Dee couldn’t easily find Heavy one afternoon after school, and Heavy had him searching and stomping for thirty minutes because his instructions on where to find him were too vague.
Dee had his preferred spots, but the big, empty playground didn’t seem too bad of a spot to run off to. Not a lot of cars drove by; it was spacious, and it was isolated. And he could burn stuff and bury the evidence in the woodchips.
He waded over to the play structure, throwing his bag atop the platform. Dee pulled himself up by one of the colored beams, now sitting with the monkey bars just above his head. At night, the playground’s bright and blocky primary colors weren’t as much of an eyesore as they were during the day. Not even the moon’s beam or the aligned streetlights could reach far enough to get near it.
Dee decided to slip in his other earbud, previously having one out to listen for movement behind him. No one was around. He no longer had a reason not to fully immerse himself in his music. That was until Dee spotted quick movement out of the corner of his eye. To him, it looked as if something or someone had dashed behind the joint trash and recycling bins. No one was supposed to be around, he corrected himself.
He kept his stare on the bins, eyeing them for any more sudden movement. Then, he turned off his music and reached for a can of pepper spray. He wasn’t stupid, and he wasn’t going to let his outing be cut short just because some idiot thought he was unarmed. Dee knew it wasn’t an animal; it would’ve scampered away already. Someone else was lingering here after dark. Or he was followed.
Any sudden movement could provoke the person hiding behind the bins into attacking. Even though he hoped they would choose flight over fight. Regardless, Dee walked up slowly, inching closer with his weapon in hand.
“I know you’re there,” he said, flipping the switch on the can to ready it. “Just come out. Slowly.”
There was silence, then a sigh of defeat before the person revealed themself from their spot. Dee didn’t do anything but jerk his arm up, pointing the nozzle at them just to be prepared for something unexpected.
“AAH! Wait, don’t! Dee, it’s just me!” Heavy yelped and put his arms over his face in panic, the sudden noise startling Dee. Uneasiness turned to irritation once he saw that he had absolutely nothing to worry about.
“What the hell— Heavy?!” He would’ve thrown the can at the ground with how fast his arm shot back down had he not been gripping it hard out of annoyance. “Did you fucking follow me?”
“Wait, don’t get angry yet, Dee—”
“Don’t get angry?” Dee scoffed and turned to storm off to his spot. “You fucking moron, I almost pepper-sprayed you!”
“Hey, it’s not my fault you were gonna get all trigger-happy with your stupid spray!” Dee spun back around and pointed a stern finger in some direction behind Heavy.
“Go home, Heavy,” he ordered.
His tone was serious and straightforward, and he didn’t say anything else. It was obvious he was expecting Heavy to simply obey what he demanded, not turning back around for any reason.
Go home? But he couldn’t leave now. Not after he’d followed behind Dee in the cold to see where he was headed. His efforts would’ve been for nothing.
Dee would be reluctant to welcome his presence, but he’s just gonna have to deal with it. Despite everything, he wanted to stay now. Once Dee had sat back where he was, presumably comfortable, Heavy walked up from behind and looked up at him. Big, green doe eyes piercing into Dee like he didn’t just get told off.
Dee sighed, giving Heavy a roll of his eyes. “What did I just tell you.”
“You told me to go home,” Heavy said, now climbing onto the platform to sit with Dee. “But I walked all the way out here with you, so I’m staying.”
“No, you’re not.”
“You didn’t even go anywhere creepy or mysterious like I thought you would. What’re you doing at the park so late?”
“Well, I came out here to be alone,” he gestured dramatically at the play structure, “but you’ve pretty much went and ruined that.”
Heavy returned his bothered sigh, which was rich considering Dee didn’t think he was in a position to be doing so. He scooted closer to Dee, forcing him to have to move his bag out of the way. “You always wanna be alone, Dee.”
“Yeah, well, I like my space.” The last bit of space he had left was taken up by Heavy, feeling his face against his shoulder. He seemed to like Dee’s space, too.
“...I didn’t mean to get you pissed at me. You just never tell me where you go when you sneak out.”
“Why does it matter to you? You worried about me or something?”
Heavy stared down at the woodchips, spending his time in silence thinking of an answer that would get him made fun of the least. Though he preferred being around his tight-knit group of friends, he understood the appeal of having time to yourself. That was just it, though. Heavy liked spending time around people. Dee, not so much.
He doesn’t know what goes on in Dee’s head. He’s not entirely sure he wants to. His brain probably hurts from thinking too much. But Heavy believes it wouldn’t kill him to have a little company sometimes. His company. Dee is one of the people Heavy likes to spend his around. And he likes it when it’s just them.
His face grew warmer as he was still thinking of an answer. Or maybe it was just Dee’s body radiating much-needed heat onto his in this cold weather.
“No,” Heavy answered. Quite bluntly. “But it wouldn’t hurt to have some muscle with you when you go out.”
“Oh, sure. My big, strong hero. If you wanted to know where I was going just to tag along, that’s all you had to say.”
“So I can start coming with you?”
“No. This is a one-time thing.” Heavy groaned, Dee nudging him off for a second to grab his bag from behind him. “Be lucky I don’t feel like walking you home right now.”
There was something about the way Heavy had sounded so excited at the idea of joining him when he snuck out that was weird to Dee. Made him feel weird. They spent enough time together at home and during family stuff. What was different about this?
Dee quickly shook off that thought. He came out here to be alone and take his mind off of whatever it was on. First half he couldn’t have, so he would at least have the second.
Dee switched out his pepper spray for his phone, regrettably having to only use one earbud like before. Heavy was inevitably going to want to make conversation with him. Once pressing shuffle on one of his playlists, he shoved his phone into his pocket and began reaching around in his bag for something else. Heavy waited and watched intently, kicking his legs in a both playful and restless manner.
He would admit, he was interested in seeing what it was Dee was going do all the way out here. Hopefully, it wasn’t just sitting around and doing nothing. He had no expectations awaiting, yet his face twisted upon seeing him pull out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. His legs slowed and came to a stop, brows furrowed and eyes fixated on the small box.
A singular cigarette was taken from the pack, Heavy noticing that there were still quite a few left. Then again, he doesn’t know the regular amount of cigarettes that should be in a box. Dee brought the thin stick of tobacco up to his lips and started flicking at the lighter to get a flame going. He eventually noticed Heavy staring at him, but he hadn’t stopped what he was doing. Nor did Heavy’s face change.
“What?” he said. “I’m not gonna not use them just ‘cause you’re here now.”
“Where did you get those?” Heavy asked.
“They’re Mom’s. She asked me to hide them from Dad again, but I decided to keep them.”
“Do Mom and Dad know you smoke?” Dee had finally gotten a light, so he sat in silence while he got it lit, breathed in, then let out of puff of smoke. He did it so effortlessly. Seems like he’d done it before.
“Obviously not. Why would I go and let them know about it?”
“Wow, such a rebel bad boy, aren’t you, Dee.” He ignored Heavy’s jab, taking another puff. As the smoke dispelled, Heavy began to put a hand forward. “Can I try?”
Dee moved the cigarette out of the reach Heavy was attempting to make. “Uh-uh. You’re gonna fuck up your lungs if you try to use one of these.”
“Oh, and you won’t?”
“Yes. I know what I’m doing.”
“You can’t just show me how to do it?”
He raised a brow at Heavy, giving him a look. A shrewd look. Heavy watched as Dee brought the cigarette up to his mouth again. He took longer to breathe in, and Heavy wasn’t certain if he was looking at the cigarette or Dee’s lips. Then, he turned his head to face Heavy and blew a thick puff of smoke right in his face.
“Agh! Dee!” Heavy exclaimed, immediately wafting the air of the rancid smell of smoke. Dee stifled a laugh at Heavy’s coughing and overly dramatic reaction. “God, you’re such an asshole.”
“Still want to try it?” asked Dee. Heavy looked at him, quiet and seemingly contemplating.
“...Maybe.”
Dee scoffed at him, but that was his honest answer. He was one-hundred percent doing that to get a rise out of him. Heavy knew that already. Plus, he’s sure he accidentally inhaled some of that smoke, so he would take what he could get if Dee wouldn’t let him experience the actual thing. He’s sort of relieved. It snapped him out of something he thought about doing but knew he shouldn’t.
Heavy glanced up at the monkey bars above them. As if a lightbulb had appeared above his head, he got the sudden urge to use them to cure his growing boredom, using his leg to push himself up.
“What are you doing?” Dee questioned. Heavy stood up with a wobble, hiking up the sleeves on his jacket.
“Last time I was here, I was in the middle of showing Curlton that I could make it across these monkey bars and back without falling,” Heavy told him. “I had to stop halfway through because somebody called and interrupted me.”
“You left school without telling me and I spent half an hour looking for you so I wouldn’t get in trouble. You figure out whose fault that is.”
Dee had a point. No way was he going to admit that, though. Right now, he was focusing on if he could do what he was challenged to do. And to distance himself a bit from the cigarette smoke smell. It was getting overbearing.
One leap, and Heavy was hanging from the first bar. He inched closer to other side with each grab, going through each bar one by one in quick succession. He struggled a little, exerting labored grunts every time he went forward.
Dee watched him successfully make it to the other side, then all the way back. He was a bit too eager, hand missing a bar and almost falling to the ground with how quick he went. Still, he managed to get back and leap off the bar he started on, throwing fists into the air in triumph. Dee guessed he wanted to prove to himself that he could do it. After all, the reason he’d previously done so was to show such feat to someone else, and that person wasn’t here to bear witness to it. Heavy really only got to show Dee. Whether Dee’s opinion on his accomplishment mattered to him or not, Dee still gave him a smile and a thumbs up when he looked to see his reaction.
Heavy was less unpredictable than Victoria. He knew he was riled up, but he wasn’t sure what to expect when told to “watch this.” Now dangling from the midway point of the monkey bar path, he divulged that he was going to try and pull himself up to the top. Apparently, he had great upper body strength, so he could totally do it. His words.
He wasn’t going to get down now that he was already in the middle of trying, so Dee wasn’t going to stop him. At the very least, he would get a good laugh if he fell on his back. When his first method of swinging his body back and forth to get his legs on a neighboring bar didn’t work, he went a simpler route and tried using all that alleged upper body strength as if he was attempting a pull-up. The sounds of his effort and cursing slowly started to go in one ear and out the other, and Dee’s eyes started to wander.
Heavy’s shirt wasn’t tucked in. It never was. As his body was suspended, the little bit of his stomach not covered by the hiked up fabric was exposed. Dee’s eyes were fixated on the skin that was showing. How it would be showing a little less if his pants weren’t so low riding like they were. He tapped the cigarette free of the building ash, just to give himself something else to look at. He was getting some curious ideas he wasn’t particularly interested in acting on.
“Dee! Look! I’m doing it!”
His attention was forced back up to Heavy, who’d gotten himself past a square opening and was now holding himself up with the bars in his armpits. From there, he put the last of his effort into dragging himself to the top, violently kicking as if he was running up on an invisible wall. That didn’t do much, but he made it up anyway, so did it really matter?
Heavy stood on his knees, supported by several of the bars. Once again, he pumped his fists to the sky, slightly wobbling and having to catch himself as to not fall. He whooped and shouted a random song lyric, presumably marking his victory with some Manowar song by the theme of the hymn he chose.
“Didya see that, Dee?” he exclaimed, voice loud from all the energy he garnered. “Told you I could do it!”
“I never said you couldn't. Just that I would laugh if you fell.” Heavy blew a raspberry at him in retaliation. “Come on, get down before you actually get hurt.”
Heavy swung his legs to hang off the side and jumped straight off the top. He tried making a clean landing, but the height and impact of his fall made him end up on his knees. Good thing he was wearing jeans and not shorts.
“Satisfied?” Dee asked. He took another puff.
“Hell no! I’m all hopped on adrenaline now!”
“The world is literally your playground. Knock yourself out.” He didn’t hesitate to dash off in another direction, more than ready to play to his heart’s content. Not that he needed permission.
Dee took his bag and followed closer to where Heavy was headed. His cigarette was thrown and stomped out into the woodchips, having felt he had enough for now. There were always more if he needed it.
He had ran straight to the merry-go-round. A joyous discovery of it being how insanely fast it could go. Heavy wanted to spin it and jump on, but Dee knew that attempt would end in regret and a bruised Heavy. He got just the speed and rush he was looking for with Dee spinning it for him.
Heavy pretty much ran about the whole playground. Going between almost all of the structures he was able to climb on or use. Which meant Dee followed him around the whole playground. Over the two slides here, he’d come to the conclusion that he preferred the one without the tunnel leading down. Not while it dark as all hell outside. Between the monkey bars, the merry-go-round, and the running up steps to get to the slides, Dee imagined Heavy was going to be out of adrenaline to use by the time he was done. It opened up the possibility that Dee would have to carry his tired ass home, which he wasn’t entirely thrilled about.
He knew Heavy wasn’t going anywhere, but he thought it better to make sure Heavy was always within his sight. He was willful, and that made him reckless. His prior annoyance from that day made Dee never forget that Heavy had a habit of running of on his own. And anyway, he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind that he had to watch Heavy.
Dee took note of Heavy’s hair blowing in the mustered up wind from the speed of the merry-go-round. Laughing as he held tightly onto the support bar of the structure. His spry and playful jumping around. His complaining of his hands still hurting from having to hold on to the monkey bars. The ever present bright look in his eyes making Dee question how he could have so much energy this late. Dee wondered if he was being weird at all; staring too much.
He was just a kid. It wasn’t fair.
Heavy ended up going over to the swings last out of everything. His sprinting around the area had been watered down into a light jog in heading for the seat closest to the swing’s beams. Dee was sure the second he sat down, the last of his energy would dip low into the ground, regardless of if he was swinging high up in the air.
“Dee!” Heavy yelled to Dee, who was leaning against the play structure he sat upon earlier. “Come push me!”
“This isn’t the merry-go-round. You can push yourself,” Dee told him.
“Come onnnnn, don’t be a dick about it. Just get me in the air and you can go back to brooding.”
Dee clicked his tongue, but complaining further wouldn’t get them anywhere. He went and stood behind Heavy, the younger’s shoes tapping on the ground in anticipation, placed his hands on his back, and gave him a few good pushes. He immediately had to step to the side and keep pushing with one hand. Heavy’s legs were swinging up and bending back and putting him at risk of being kicked in the stomach.
“Higher!”
“I’m doing my best!”
Heavy laughed, eyes scrunched up with a giant grin stretched along his face. All the running around he did made him lose steam quicker than he thought. Of course, any other night, he would be sleeping right now. But pure, unadulterated joy was still coursing through his veins. He’d gotten high enough to feel the breeze in his hair again, red locks going in and out of his face. The sound of wind in his ears were akin to the clogged up noise you would hear when the wind would catch in the mic of a phone.
He felt both of Dee’s hands for the first few pushes, and the rest were from only one. Then, he felt neither of them. It didn’t really matter. He was already high enough. But he found himself missing the support. Even if it was gone for only a couple of seconds.
The soles of Heavy’s shoes started scraping on the ground, slowing himself to come to a halt. Dee was standing off to the side, the swing beam now the support of his leaning. Heavy figured he must’ve been looking at him weird because Dee raised a brow at him.
“What?” said Dee. “You want me to keep pushing you?”
Dee walked back over to where he was, hands placed loosely around the chains of the swing seat. He was so close now. Heavy had sat up against up earlier, but it wasn’t like this. His hands were loitering a few inches below from Dee’s. Heavy instead closed the miniscule gap between them and pressed his weight against Dee’s, his head resting on his chest.
“Nope. I’m good,” he said.
Dee was taken aback by Heavy’s action. Over pulling away to sit in the neighboring swing or staying, he ultimately chose the latter, knowing he was already thinking way too hard about something so stupid and simple. Heavy grabbed at one of Dee’s free earbuds to get a snippet of his music.
“Ugh, what are you listening to?” Heavy grimaced. “Sounds like a cheesy love ballad type pop song.”
“Ghost is not pop,” Dee emphasized. He’s already been through this spiel before. “You’re not allowed to complain when you chose to start listening.”
“Can I put on something else?”
“You get what comes next in the queue.”
To Dee, Heavy groaning in response was just wordless complaining. He decided to drop it, anyhow. The park’s night life scene was far too comforting to interfere with. It was quiet between them again, not counting Dee’s playlist coming from either earbud.
Heavy let his head fall over to the side. The fabric of Dee’s shirt was soft against his cheek. In his normal breathing in and out, it was impossible for him to not catch a whiff of what Dee smelled like. He was close; the scent was much clearer and easier to notice. A mixture of cigarette smoke and Dee’s perfume, faintly smelling of vanilla. It was an odd combo to him for sure. Yet, he loved the smell. He wanted to take Dee’s shirt and bury himself in the scent.
Heavy knew it was weird to be thinking about it. He didn’t even elect to get a quick whiff of Dee’s shirt. He would surely notice. When his head angled backward, Dee was to notice that movement instead, looking down while Heavy was looking up. Heavy looked liked he was going to say something, but nothing came out.
“What are you thinking about?” Dee asked, curious. Heavy stared up at him for a moment, inhaling deep and loud through his nose. His face looked silly from this angle.
“I’m thinking about how much you reek of cigarette smoke right now,” he said, “and how you’re gonna hide it from Mom and Dad.” His answer earned nothing more than an exhale from his nose. The most of a laugh Heavy was going to get out of him.
“You forget it’s not the first time I’ve done this. I know how to get back into the house without incriminating myself.”
“Yeah, sure. Like when you told Mom you busted your face by falling out of bed.” Heavy snickered, recalling the memory. “Very believable.”
“She bought it, didn’t she?”
Heavy shrugged. He technically did get away with it albeit by a close shave. “...What about you?”
“What about me?” said Dee.
“What are you thinking about?”
What was Dee thinking about?
Dee was thinking about awful he was. How much of a degenerate his thoughts made him. He was thinking about how big of a deal he was making out of the subtle touches Heavy made towards him, and how stupid it was. He was thinking about how grossly warm he got feeling Heavy body on his. His head on his shoulder, the nudge of his face against his chest. He was thinking about pushing Heavy away on several occasions. Because what would normally be annoying to him was making his stomach hurt and heartbeat so loud he could hear it in his ears. Then, he was thinking about how idiotic that was. How unnecessary. He was thinking about how Heavy was just a kid. How his touches didn’t mean anything. And how it was unfair that Dee had the nerve to blame Heavy for the things he was feeling.
But he’d rather die than admit that.
“Nothing.”
“Ugh, you liar. You’re always thinking about something.” Heavy kicked at the woodchips. “How come when I ask, you give me jack shit?”
“Because I’m really not thinking about anything right now.”
“Fine. I don’t believe you, though.”
He’s not entirely sure he wants to know what goes on Dee’s head. But just this once, especially since he asked, it would help for the sake of his sanity.
Dee checked his phone. Couple minutes past midnight. It was late. He was cold and getting tired. His gloves were doing less than the mediocre job they were doing before. Not to mention Heavy should be home so he doesn’t catch a cold. He was still Dee’s responsibility.
About time they started heading home.
Dee felt a drop of water hit his cheek as he was about to let Heavy know of their departure. Then another, and another, until one at a time turned into five at a time.
“Ack—!” By the time he’d looked up to confirm it, a raindrop hit him dead in the eye.
“Dee! Are you okay?” Heavy stood from the swing seat, turning to fully face Dee.
“Agh, no fucking way...” Dee unzipped his hoodie and held it over him for a makeshift umbrella. It would have to work for now. “Let’s go, Hev. We gotta get out of the rain.”
It only took mere seconds for the sky to start pouring down torrential rain. The intensity had the sidewalks and trees instantly soaked, and the sound of it hitting rooftops was unbearably loud. Heavy didn’t care as much about getting caught in the rain. But he still made an attempt to stay under the cover Dee was making for them. With the direction the rain was falling, Dee found it hard to keep it covering them both successfully. So, despite the argument Dee made, Heavy let him protect just himself while holding his arm to stay close. He didn’t have curly hair and makeup at stake like Dee did.
Dee had voiced the concern of not wanting to walk home in the rain like this. It would’ve been a different story if he’d brought an umbrella or raincoat. The only reason he didn’t is because the weather app said it wasn’t going to rain. So much for not wanting Heavy to catch a cold. He was barely keeping the rain off of his own person.
“Oh, Dee! Over here!” exclaimed Heavy, running off from Dee’s side.
“Heavy! God damn it, don’t run off like that...” he muttered under his breath.
Heavy disappeared behind a wall, having taken cover in an alleyway. A narrow alley with a platform from a walkway bridge up above, creating a dry space along the entire way. The width of the bridge was as long as the alley, comparable to a tall, lengthy ceiling. Dee couldn’t explain the reprieve he got once he and Heavy managed to escape from the rain for what he hoped wouldn’t be too long. Except Heavy had went and gotten soaked anyway, so it didn’t matter much now.
“I hid here earlier when I was following you,” Heavy said. He must’ve did all he could to keep quiet so Dee wouldn’t notice him. No wonder.
“It’s better than nothing.” His hoodie was damp, but he still slipped it back on. “We’ll just wait here until it stops. Can’t be too long. I hope.”
There were several streetlights shining from across the street, shedding a faint glow into the alley. Heavy was able to clearly see Dee’s face from that and the light from his phone screen, opening it up to check the weather status. He failed in his attempt to keep his makeup from the rain’s ruin. His eyeliner and thickly applied eyeshadow was now running down his cheeks, dark and smudgy lines sabotaging Dee to look like he’d been crying. Somehow, he looked even moodier than usual, and Heavy couldn’t help but laugh a little.
“What are you laughing at?” said Dee.
“Hehe, your makeup’s all messed up.”
Dee huffed and shoved his phone back into his pocket. “Ugh, go figure.”
“No, don’t worry. It doesn’t look that bad.” Heavy stepped forward, getting closer, and reached a hand up to cup Dee’s face. He slowly ran his thumb along a dark streak, rubbing away at the edge. “Just a little smudged.”
His eyes were focused on the bit of makeup he wiped away. But his thumb was so close to Dee’s face, that they instantly started to glaze over. Their eyes met. The look behind Dee’s eyes were questioning what Heavy was doing with his hand still touching his face. What he was looking at. The streetlight made it easier to see the little raindrops in Dee’s hair. Yet, not enough to see his freckles.
In all the times they were close in contact, they hadn’t yet been face to face as they were now. Heavy’s face still grew warm all the same, though. Blood rushing in his ears. Teeth biting his lip. Free hand shaking as it came up, Heavy now holding Dee in both hands.
He pushed himself up, reaching Dee’s height, and pressed his lips to Dee’s. A chaste kiss so abrupt, so greedy, that satiated Heavy just for a moment when he’d been driving himself crazy thinking about it. A weight felt like it’d been lifted. He didn’t think about it, and he didn’t pull back until he was pleased with what he got. Only a short eight seconds had passed.
Dee’s own hands were holding Heavy by his arms before he pulled away. His face was blooming red. But the look he gave him. His uneasy breathing matched his anxious expression, almost too conflicted to say anything.
“Wh... Why did you do that?” he managed to say. His voice was low. A whisper, almost.
Heavy’s eyes went wide, and he jerked himself away from Dee, back slamming against the other wall.
“Shit, I...” Heavy ran his hands over his face. “I’m sorry, I— I wasn’t thinking...”
Dee took a deep breath, trying his best to regulate it, but it ended up coming out shaky.
“...What the fuck, Heavy.”
“I’m sorry, Dee, I didn’t mean to—”
“Stop. Don’t give me that bullshit. You clearly meant to, so don’t lie.”
Heavy then sighed, inaudible, but apparent in the way he became deflated. Being drenched from the rain, eyes big and full, and brows pinched. He looked like a sad wet puppy. Heavy wasn’t the only one feeling regret in the moment. Dee felt a pit in his stomach, knowing that he liked it. That he’d also wanted it. But the guilt was only overpowering what little pleasure he gained from it.
Heavy’s head fell, unable to keep looking Dee in the eye. He held each of his elbows, wrapping himself into a protective hug.
“...Please don’t be mad, Dee.” His words made it sound like he was close to begging for forgiveness. “I swear I didn’t do it to make you upset.”
Dee’s shoulders shot up and back down in a curt shrug.
“Then, what did you do it for?” Dee asked. “You can’t just kiss me because you feel like it. We are related, in case you forgot.”
“Don’t remind me.”
Dee raised a brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Dunno why you’re scolding me about it when you do stuff you're not supposed to all the time.”
“That has nothing to do with—”
His head shot back up, Heavy throwing his hands in the air and beginning to pace the alleyway. He wasn’t even angry a second ago. But as kissing Dee was on his mind all night, Dee doing things he knew he shouldn’t was on his mind for weeks. “Dee, you sneak out, you smoke, you keep all these secrets from Mom and Dad, you find a way to get around Dad’s rules. You always do shit you’re not supposed to. But it’s suddenly a problem when I do it? Give me a fuckin’ break.”
“That’s different, Heavy,” he replied sharply.
“Psh, different how? ‘Cause you’re older? It’s not by much. Get over yourself.”
Dee lunged forward with clenched fists, getting in Heavy’s face with challenge behind his stance. He’d struck a nerve. “You little shit. So what, you just kissed me so you could get away with doing something you weren’t supposed to?”
“No! I did it because I like you, you idiot!”
“Well, that’s...! That’s...”
Heavy’s back hit the wall once more. It only sunk in deep for Dee once Heavy stopped arguing. Wouldn’t look at him. He backed up, leaning against the opposite wall again, and Heavy still didn’t look up.
There was no reason to convince himself that Heavy meant something else. This wasn’t a prank, nor a misunderstanding. As much as it would hurt, Dee wished it ended up being either of those. He was feeling too many things at one time. Elation, shame, pity, heartache, disgust. In all honesty, he wanted any or all of those emotions to be traded for anger. He wanted to be angry at Heavy. Or better yet, he wanted to feel nothing. Have no reaction. He wanted this to not be such a big deal.
A deafening thirty seconds went by before Heavy finally looked up at Dee. By the look of it, he was too stunned to say something. Damn it, Heavy thought. He really messed up, didn’t he?
“Don’t think I don’t feel guilty having feelings for my brother. Because I do,” said Heavy. He sniffled. Whether from the cold or because he was teary-eyed, it wasn’t as important right now. “I already know how wrong it is.”
Dee at least wasn’t alone in that feeling. It still didn’t make the situation any less difficult.
“Heavy—”
“No, Dee, please don’t.” He shook his head. “I know that it’s wrong and I know you don’t like me back. You don’t have to say it.”
Dee watched Heavy wiped some falling tears from his face. He was obviously doing a bad job at hiding the fact that he was crying, and he would’ve denied it like he wanted Dee to.
He knows what he should do. He should keep quiet. He should let Heavy think he doesn’t feel the same through his silence. Or he could break his heart into a million tiny pieces and do what Heavy asked him not to. He knows what he should do. And he was still thinking about what he wanted to do.
Dee gave himself a push off the wall, the movement prompting him to look up. As he was closing in on Heavy’s space, his motions wary, he placed an arm against the wall beside Heavy.
An utter of Dee’s name broke through the absence of sound. Instinctively, Heavy grabbed his arm as a hand held him by the chin. A sigh through Dee’s nose could only be heard through the abundant pouring. Dee leaned down and closed the distance between them, finishing what Heavy had started. He showed more hesitance than Heavy did. Several lines had been crossed, and yet he was only thinking about making sure he was doing this right.
Heavy sort of wished he went into his first kiss like Dee had done. Instead of being so desperate to smush their lips together. He found it hard to keep his eyes open, letting them fall shut. His body felt less tense, but his heart pulsing against his ribcage made it seem like it would burst from his chest. Heavy’s hands clung to the sleeves of Dee’s hoodie. Not knowing where to touch Dee or if he would want to be touched anywhere else.
Their noses pressed together in the most inelegant way, Heavy being able to feel just how Dee was breathing, too. His lips were soft. Smooth. He could identify the taste of the cigarette he’d smoked. Just as jarring as the smell.
Dee let their lips part for a second; time used to catch his breath and let Heavy react. The separation wasn’t long, but Heavy didn’t want it to end so soon. Shaky hands reached up, holding his face as they reconnected. Dee’s eyes closed as quickly as they’d opened at the contact. His hands were cold against his face. He would never get over how touchy his brother was. How his slightly chapped lips felt right at home despite this being the first time they made it to him.
Heavy kissed him slowly, remaining more cautious than before. Waiting for any kind of resistance from Dee that told him he should stop. That he wasn’t planning to go any farther than what he initiated. He waited, and Dee didn’t pull back.
Heavy eventually ended it on his own, the next of their lips parting being the last. They stared back at one another with hooded eyes, holding the same dreamy look behind them. Neither of them said a word. What were you supposed to say after you kiss your brother?
Dee was the first to make a move. Stepping back to his place on the wall away from Heavy. He wished he still had music to drown out his thoughts.
He himself wasn’t exempt from being a bad kisser. So he would keep the thought that Heavy too wasn’t the best at it in the back of his mind. Dee didn’t enjoy any less, though. Didn’t want him any less. How was it possible that something that felt so good was incredibly wrong and right at the same time?
“So,” Heavy spoke up first. “You...?”
“...Don’t make me say it, Hev.” Dee found it hard to speak, like a frog having been caught in his throat. “Yes. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t. Trust me.”
Heavy started playing with the zipper on his jacket. His confession was more bittersweet than he would’ve liked it to be, but he was in no position to nitpick. He had almost convinced himself that Dee only kissed him to not hurt his feelings.
“Don’t think I don’t feel guilty for doing that,” Dee told him.
Getting that response. Heavy’s first instinct was to comfort him. Hug him, sit beside him, give him any kind of contact. Anything. And he ultimately slumped down and ended up sitting on the concrete. He pulled his knees to his chest, unable to figure out what to say. This somehow felt ten times worse than just getting his heart broken. Dee couldn’t find a reason not to join him.
The fact that Dee doesn’t know what’ll happen after this already irritates him. The earth might as well be off its axis if he can’t predict every outcome and be sure of every little thing. What were they supposed to do now?
It seemed like the rain had been going on longer than it should’ve. Mother Nature purposefully drawing out the time Dee and Heavy had to take cover to make them sit with this tension, thick in the air. When the raindrops were getting more and more sparse, the only remains of it were dripping from trees and the edge of rooftops, eventually coming to a full stop. Dee was finding it hard to pinpoint if what he was feeling was relief or disappointment. Or both.
He spoke to let Heavy know it was time to go home. Saying that the walk home was awkward would be putting it lightly. Their dragging feet turned what should’ve been a short walk into a longer one. They couldn’t find the right string of words to say to each other. It shocked Dee to feel Heavy’s pinky finger linking with his. Heavy thought it would be out of place to ask outright for something he wanted. Not quite holding hands, but touching nonetheless.
Never. He would never get over it.
They reached home and opted for going through the first floor window, ending up in the entrance way. No way were they going to make the same mistake Dee did trying to climb through his bedroom window. Dee and Heavy were set to part ways once they’d made it up the stairs, hopefully without arousing suspicion. There was so much that needed to be said. So much they needed to talk about. But he didn’t need to take up Heavy’s time more than he already did.
“Wait, um... Dee?” Heavy calling out to him was the only thing holding him at the door, turning his head.
“Yeah?”
“Can I... Can I sleep in your bed tonight? With you?”
Heavy’s room was dark, but Dee could nearly make out the look in his eyes. Pleading. He didn’t want to be alone. And even after Heavy had been stuck to his side all night, Dee found that he didn’t want to be alone either.
“Sure,” said Dee.
It was something he’d find hard to admit to himself. But he was glad Heavy didn’t listen to him. He was glad Heavy didn’t go home.