SYNECDOCHE MEW YORK

by rosemarinae

Summary:

starring DAVE STRIDER | KARKAT VANTAS | DAVEPETASPRITE^2 | JUNE EGBERT | JADE HARLEY | ROXY LALONDE | DIRK STRIDER | ROSE LALONDE

Dave Strider gets invited to watch Davepeta film a movie.

Chapter 1: SCENES 1-4

INT. BEDROOM - LATE MORNING - APRIL 6TH

Dave and Karkat lie in bed together watching a film on Karkat’s husktop. Sunlight filters through the curtains, its glare reflecting off the computer screen and again off Dave’s sunglasses. Karkat is complaining about the movie.

KARKAT: OK, LET ME MAKE SURE I HAVE THIS RIGHT.
KARKAT: DAVEPETA IS PLAYING YOU, THE AI-GENERATED YOU IS PLAYING NEPETA, AND THAT WEIRD TEREZI LOOK ALIKE IS FUCKING WHO EXACTLY?
DAVE: its our inner child im pretty sure

Dave sighs, though Karkat doesn’t seem to notice. Karkat’s prolonged cinema outbursts-cum-interrogation sessions aren’t exactly infrequent, but that doesn’t make handling them any easier. Dave finds himself often reminded of a poorly mixed Mystery Science Theater. At least this time he had the decency to pause, Dave thinks.

KARKAT: YOUR INNER CHILD? AS IN, YOU AND DAVEPETA, OR FAKE YOU AND FAKE NEPETA, OR WHAT.
KARKAT: THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUSLY CONVOLUTED.
DAVE: its supposed to be ambiguous i guess?
KARKAT: OF COURSE. I’M AN IDIOT FOR NOT FIGURING THAT OUT. WHAT THE HELL DOES TEREZI HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR INNER CHILD?
DAVE: idk dude its my first time seeing the movie too
DAVE: and were only like

A brush of Dave’s finger against the trackpad on Karkat’s husktop.

DAVE: forty minutes into a three hour experience
KARKAT: IT’S BEGINNING TO OCCUR TO ME WHY EXACTLY WE HAVEN’T WATCHED THIS MOVIE BEFORE NOW.
KARKAT: WHY DID YOU EVEN AGREE TO LET THEM USE YOUR LIKENESS? I SURE AS FUCK WOULDN’T WANT TO BE IN THIS TRASH.
DAVE: uhhh i mean i kinda didnt
DAVE: davepetas agent or whatever emailed me asking if it was ok to “generate a soul copy using patented knightrogue essence”
DAVE: i just sent back a green alien emoji and apparently that qualified as consent to use my image
DAVE: which is legally and ethically dubious but i guess davepeta knew i wouldnt give a shit cause theyre me and they wouldnt
DAVE: so i guess i dont either

Karkat rolls his eyes–it’s a well practiced motion.

KARKAT: IF YOU SAY SO.
KARKAT: IT WOULDN’T HURT IF YOU WERE MORE ASSERTIVE,THOUGH.
KARKAT: LIKE, IF YOU JUST SAID YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE IN THE MOVIE, THEY WOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT.
DAVE: i really dont care though
DAVE: like its literally not even me you know
DAVE: just some shitty recreation that cant even get my voice right
DAVE: theres probably tons of online porno films of all of us with the exact same technology
DAVE: whats one more
KARKAT: GROSS. IS THIS MOVIE PORN? I’M NOT GOING TO WATCH PORN WITH YOU AT ELEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING.
DAVE: im like eighty percent sure its not porn
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT SURE ENOUGH FOR A MOVIE NEITHER OF US EVEN WANT TO WATCH.
KARKAT: I’M GOING TO GO MAKE BREAKFAST. DO YOU WANT EGGS?
DAVE: sure
DAVE: ill be there in a second

Karkat lifts the covers and crawls out of bed, stumbling through the open door into the hallway. Dave doesn’t watch him go. The husktop screen dims with inactivity.

DAVE: man i look like ass in this movie

[SYNECDOCHE MEW YORK]

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING - APRIL 8TH

Dave lies sprawled out on the couch, his legs placed on Karkat’s lap. Something flashy and noisy is playing on the television. Both men are looking at their phones, though only Karkat seems to be reacting in any way to what he’s seeing. Blue and red text is cast back at the camera off Dave’s shades.

TG: so its like
TG: look ive watched a lot of anime ok
TG: like a lot a lot its more or less dirks sole activity that he thinks we should bond over
TG: “bonding” he doesnt talk and he fuckin shushes me whenever we watch it
TG: even though hes literally already seen everything we watch like he fuckin prescreens it like common sense media
TG: gotta make sure there arent too many swears for baby dave hell grow up to be a drug addict
TG: jokes on you motherfucker that already happened and its awesome
EB: dave.

Karkat growls at the screen. The corner of Dave’s mouth turns downwards. Other than his fingers, he’s completely still.

KARKAT: I FUCKING HATE THIS GAME.
DAVE: yeah

TG: sorry
TG: the point is that i fuckin know catgirls alright
TG: catgirls and i are well fuckin acquainted we are on good terms
TG: im like scully and catgirls are like mulder weve got rapport in that way
TG: and its just like
TG: idk now that im talking to real life catgirls on a regular basis its getting increasingly ridiculous that ive got a catgirl clone of my own that ive never once spoken to in my life
EB: wait, never?

Karkat’s grip on his phone tightens. He starts tapping his foot and the movement of it shakes Dave around nigh imperceptibly.

KARKAT: THIS IS SUCH HORSESHIT. YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS WAS POPULAR ON YOUR EARTH?
DAVE: for like a month before it exploded yeah
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE IT WAS THE METEORS? I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF HUMANITY BLEW ITSELF UP IN A THERMONUCLEAR DETONATION BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID PALMHUSK GAME.

EB: dave, it’s been like… eight years.
TG: i know
EB: you were both groomsmaids slash bridesmen at rose and kanaya’s wedding.
TG: i know
EB: they literally made a sweet bro and hella jeff movie that you were in.
TG: i keep telling you that wasnt me
TG: i was explaining that to karkat the other day its fuckin cgi
TG: earth Cs got some crazy shit these days
TG: i mean its like 5000 years of technological development like have you heard of catGPT
EB: you have to have talked at some point! you would have had to go out of your way not to talk to them for like a decade.

A crash. Karkat’s thrown his phone at the ground. It’s not an uncommon occurrence– in fact, there’s another cracked phone on the ground not four feet from the one he just threw.

KARKAT: FUCK THIS SHIT.
KARKAT: FUCK THIS GAME, AND FUCK JUNE FOR RECOMMENDING IT TO ME.
KARKAT: SHE PROBABLY KNEW THIS WOULD PISS ME OFF, TOO. FUCKING DOODLE JUMP. I’M GOING TO KILL HER AND THEN MYSELF.
DAVE: speaking of june
DAVE: shes gonna have a party for her birthday next week

A scoff. He crosses his arms, tapping his finger on his elbow.

KARKAT: IT FEELS LIKE IT’S ALWAYS THAT WOMAN’S DAMN BIRTHDAY.
DAVE: ikr
DAVE: save some for the rest of us
DAVE: but like
DAVE: were gonna go right
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY.
KARKAT: WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BE THERE, ANYWAY? JADE, ROSE… JASPROSE, OF COURSE.
DAVE: yeah im pretty sure its gonna be dyke city but thats cool
KARKAT: DAVE.
DAVE: what i can reclaim
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T, BUT IT ALSO LITERALLY DOESN’T MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST.
KARKAT: IS YOUR BROTHER GOING TO BE THERE?
DAVE: idk
DAVE: he just shows up to shit without being told

Karkat’s finger taps a bit faster.

KARKAT: NO SHIT. HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY PLANNED A HANGOUT WITH HIM?
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, WITH A CALENDAR AND A SET TIME, LIKE A FUCKING ADULT?
DAVE: no he pretty much just shows up like i said
KARKAT: I KNOW.

He sighs. Karkat’s gaze turns to the screen, grip around himself tightening.

KARKAT: I DON’T MEAN TO GIVE YOU SHIT. I JUST, LIKE. FUCK, DAVE.

Karkat’s arms wave about, gesturing at the room around you. It’s a mess. Stray laundry litters the floors and furniture, dust crowds on every flat surface. It could certainly be less hygienic–there are only a few dirty dishes–but Dave winces at the sight of it all regardless.

EB: well, either way, i think you should talk to them.
EB: i’m going to invite them to the party, so maybe you could hit it off there?
EB: i’ve got to go, though. jasprose and i have a dinner date.
EB: see you soon! :B

It really is disgusting in here.

KARKAT: SHOULDN’T WE ACT LIKE ADULTS AT SOME POINT, DAVE?
DAVE: dude where did this come from
DAVE: ive seen some weird ass existential crises from you but i think a doodle jump inspired quarter life crisis is a new low
KARKAT: IT’S NOT A FUCKING CRISIS!
KARKAT: I’VE JUST BEEN THINKING, ALRIGHT?
KARKAT: WE GIVE JUNE SO MUCH SHIT FOR THE YEARS SHE SPENT GIRLROTTING, AND YET HERE WE FUCKING ARE DOING THE SAME GODDAMN THING.
KARKAT: WE SHOULDN’T JUST SIT HERE FOREVER, LOCKED AWAY IN OUR TINY HIVE APARTMENT.
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’S TIME TO GO OUTSIDE FOR A CHANGE. ENJOY THE SUN THAT DOESN’T FRY OUR SKIN. BREATHE THE CLEAN UNPOLLUTED AIR.
DAVE: yeah i like
DAVE:
DAVE: sure. yeah we should
DAVE: maybe after junes party though
DAVE: its sounding like it might be a whole thing and i just like

The television quiets– whatever was on was now concluded, and we see a countdown before something else starts. Karkat sighs and gets up, walking for the other room.

DAVE: cmon man
KARKAT: NO, YOU’RE RIGHT.
KARKAT: IT’LL BE A CLUSTERFUCK, I’M SURE.
KARKAT: AFTER THAT, THOUGH.

He leaves the room, and there is a brief silence before an episode of Puella Magi Madoka Magica plays, though there’s nobody watching it.

EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – EARLY EVENING– APRIL 13TH

Dave and Karkat are walking down the sidewalk, single file with a few feet worth of space between them. It’s a little brisk– Dave’s left hand is buried deep in his hoodie, while his right flicks at his phone. Karkat’s arms are crossed and his gaze is aimed directly at his feet. After several minutes of silence, the two arrive at their destination: an plain and unremarkable house.
We can barely make out the sound of conversation and C-tier 90’s indie rock from inside.

Karkat knocks on the door four times, loudly and in quick succession. June opens the door.

DAVE: juuuuuune

Karkat’s glare pierces the back of Dave’s skull.

KARKAT: JEGUS, DAVE, YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING CRUSH HER.
KARKAT: HI, JUNE.
JUNE: hey– oof– karkat!

Dave sheepishly withdraws, his hands retreating to his pockets. The music–”Time Trap” by Built to Spill–grows louder, and we don’t hear what’s said. June smiles obliviously as the conversation goes on. Karkat withdraws almost immediately, chatting briefly with Kanaya before taking a seat by June’s counter, just far away enough from one Dirk Strider to avoid conversation. Eventually, Dave walks back over and sits between them, and the gap closes.

DAVE: sup bro
DIRK: Sup.

The two perform a perfunctory fist bump. Dirk hesitates for a second, aiming one in Karkat’s direction, but Karkat doesn’t look at him. Neither Dave nor Dirk appears surprised by this.

DIRK: How’s it been hanging at the Vantas-Strider Household.
DAVE: pretty chill
DAVE: definitely more chill than all the bullshit thats been happening here
DAVE: its lesbian city

Karkat’s nail digs into his arm.

DAVE: but uh yeah man we havent been doing much
DAVE: watching movies shooting the shit yk the usual
DAVE: we saw that one thing davepeta made fuck whats it called
KARKAT: WE WATCHED LIKE FORTY MINUTES OF IT.
KARKAT: IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL IT WATCHING. MORE LIKE WE WERE SUBJECTED TO IT.
KARKAT: IT WAS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE, NOT TO MENTION A COMPLETE VISUAL CLUSTERFUCK. THE COLOR THEORY WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE, THE PACING WAS INTOLERABLE, THE SOUNDTRACK MADE ME WANT TO POP MY AURAL CLOTS AND RENDER MYSELF DEAF…
KARKAT: I JUST HAVE NO CLUE WHAT DAVEPETA WAS THINKING.
DAVEPETA: B33 < you could always ask!

The camera zooms out, revealing a floating Davepeta eavesdropping on the conversation, appearing entirely unfazed by Karkat’s harsh words. Karkat falls halfway off the stool.

DAVEPETA: B33 < pawnestly karcat im always open to constructive kittycism! youve got my numpurr you can call anytime
KARKAT: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
DAVEPETA: B33 < awww! what about you dave
DAVEPETA: B33 < whatd you think

Dave adjusts his shades.

DAVE: i mean i didnt get the full picture
DAVE: but idk i liked the direction well enough
DAVE: although it was pretty fuckin off-putting seeing a computer generated version of myself in a movie
DAVE: like im all for avant garde self expression obviously youve seen the kinda shit i like to make but like
DAVE: personally speaking you know its just kind of
DAVE: weird
DAVE: especially when said version of yourself is dressed up like a catgirl
DAVE: shit i mean uh

Davepeta puts their paw to their mouth and giggles heartily. Karkat pushes himself a little further away from them, shrinking in his seat.

DAVEPETA: B33 < h33 h33 its okay, i know exactly what you mean!
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats exactly why i did it though
DAVEPETA: B33 < the point is to make it difficult to claw the line between the characters and ind33d the actors!
DAVEPETA: B33 < are we diffurrent? the same? some clawmbination thereof? who knows!
DAVEPETA: B33 < obviously its a bit more mewanced than that but i dont want to purrattle on for too long
DAVEPETA: B33 < you should watch the rest though
DAVEPETA: B33 < if youre so inclined
DAVEPETA: B3o < dirk, didnt you give it five stars on litterboxd?

Dirk leans back a little. Karkat settles with his head cradled in his arms on the counter, the noise of the party muffled.

DIRK: Four and a half, actually.
DIRK: I don’t like to give any movie five stars.
DIRK: It’s putting myself in a corner as a critic.
DIRK: If a movie is five stars, does that make it perfect? Is there nowhere to go?
DIRK: I don’t like to think of myself as an arbiter of which films are well received and which aren’t–despite the correlation between my ratings and subsequent box office results–but if I’m making even the slightest impact, I want to encourage improvement in the genre.
DIRK: Giving a movie five stars is a free pass. It’s like saying there’s no need to do any better.
DAVEPETA: B33 < haha yeah man ok!
DIRK: It was a good movie, though. I thought the metaphors were on point, if perhaps a bit unsubtle. Could have used a bit more respect for the craft.
DAVEPETA: B33 < harsh words but id be a hypokit if i said anything
DAVEPETA: B33 < you know how i get on movie nights
DAVE: you two have movie nights

Davepeta blinks, seemingly having forgotten Dave was there. Their smile remains untouched, though.

DAVEPETA: B33 < fuck yeah! watchin mewvies with dirk is the cats meow
DAVEPETA: B33 < i gotta take hella notes to keep up though
DAVEPETA: B33 < hisscussion afterwards goes almost as long as the flick itself most days
DAVE: right

Typically, Dave’s movie nights with Dirk involve fewer than fifty words exchanged about the movie itself.

DAVE: do you think uh
DAVE: and sorry if this is like a total obliteration of yalls personal space or whatever but like
DAVE: would it be cool if i joined sometime

Something resembling a smirk crosses Davepeta’s face.

DAVEPETA: B33 < totally! if thats ok with you dirk its more than chill with me

Dirk shrugs affirmatively, and Dave fidgets with his phone.

DAVEPETA: B33 < s33 you there then!

The rest of the night passes by in a blur. Karkat relegates himself to the role of occasional straight man, Dave makes a fool of himself reflexively, (though not enough to draw much attention away from whatever the hell is happening with June, Kanaya, and the Roses) and eventually the two of them walk back home as silently as they arrived. This time, though, neither are illuminated by any screen.

INT. DAVE’S ROOM - LATE NIGHT - APRIL 13TH

A faint haze fills the air. The room is dark to the point of invisibility, save Dave’s desk– his King of the Hill-branded bong sits there, Bobby’s smiling face glowing with the light of the screen. Dave’s breathing is uncharacteristically slow, and he’s smiling. We can hear Roxy clearly though Dave’s LED gaming headphones.

ROXY: yea so janey took us to this hella fancy place
ROXY: u kno how it is with her she only wants the best for her bday
ROXY: even tho im p sure theres not actually liek
ROXY: a difference btwn the food? but the waiters r dressed up in the CUTEST fancy suits
ROXY: callie was sooo excited it was super adorbs
ROXY: she gets like that every time even tho jane takes us out to those places like twice a month lmao
ROXY: btw can u give me the stun seed
ROXY: im abt to totally punk this fool
DAVE: uhhh how do i do that

Roxy’s Delcatty digs in its bag and pulls out a yellow seed.

ROXY: shared inventory biatch
ROXY: watch n learn my friend

Her plan goes off without a hitch: the seed goes flying towards the enemy Dewgong, and she follows up on the assault with a Double-Edge, ending the battle. A jingle plays, and Dave’s Cyndaquil levels up.

ROXY: stick with me n were goin str8 to the top
ROXY: max level within the week im tellin u
ROXY: doubters in shambles
DAVE: i didnt doubt shit
DAVE: youre the expert at this game
ROXY: ur dam rite

Dave takes another hit from his bong, then returns his attention to the game: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Unleashed Deluxe: Explorers of Boundless Skies And Infinite Darkness. Years ago, the game had released to poor reviews and widespread audience disapproval, but Roxy’s discovery of the former flop (and her subsequent tweets about it) swiftly incited the creation of countless community servers, filled to the brim with new fans.

ROXY: its ok ur not on the grind like i am
ROXY: u could b tho
ROXY: u could climb the leaderboards n take ur rightful place as my right hand man
DAVE: haha yeah

Roxy coughs, having taken another hit herself. Her own bong is covered in various stickers, all worn and scratched away from frequent use. Buried underneath them, Bart Simpson’s face peeks back out at the camera. Dave can’t see it, but Roxy purses her lips in concern.

ROXY: u alrite?
ROXY: i mean liek ik u can get kinda quiet when ur stoned but u p much havent said shit all nite
ROXY: vibes have been kinda weird yk?
DAVE: um
DAVE: yeah i mean i guess im just lost in my thoughts
DAVE: its just been kind of a long day
ROXY: o rly? have u been busy in the music mines xtracktin (lol) some hella fresh beats
DAVE: nah i dont really like
DAVE: do music that much anymore

The Delcatty walks out of the combat zone. Roxy sighs.

ROXY: r u sure ur alright
ROXY: u can talk to me you know im like
ROXY: i kno were mostly just gamer friends these days but im your mom
ROXY: or um shit sorry i know u said thats not a thing you wanna call me now but like
DAVE: its chill
DAVE: you can call yourself whatever you want i just feel like im being kinda gross
DAVE: like it was cute when i was a teenager but im a grown ass man now you know

The Cyndaquil on the screen curls up into a ball and goes to sleep.

DAVE: its just weird
DAVE: i know im like a traumatized gay person so im inevitably going to be weird but theres kinds of weird you can be and theres kinds of weird you cant
DAVE: i dont know exactly where the line is but im sure as hell not about to start trying to toe that shit
DAVE: not to sound like thom yorke but i dont want people to think im a creep
ROXY: ur not a creep dave
ROXY: idk who would even think that
ROXY: u gotta be nicer to urself
DAVE: sorry
ROXY: dont apologize! im not like
ROXY: i know i just called myself ur mom but im not tryin to scold u
ROXY: ive just been exactly where ur at and like
ROXY: it doesnt help anything
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: i know

Roxy falls silent. The music in the background drones on, just a bit too loud.

DAVE: im gonna call it here for tonight
DAVE: thanks for the free levels
ROXY: ok…
ROXY: im down 2 play any time ok? doesnt have to be a game i like either or even like a game at all we can just like
ROXY: yk hang out
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: ill keep that in mind
ROXY: love u dave
DAVE: love you too

Chapter 2: SCENES 5-6

EXT. UPSTATE MEW YORK - AFTERNOON - WINTER

Davepeta and Dave stand on a rooftop overlooking a small town off the Interstate, their backs to the camera. A desaturating filter drains the life and color out of the city lights and those of Davepeta themself, rendering the mood still and somber. The two speak quietly and slowly.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i just dont know what to do anymore
DAVEPETA: B33 < its like the walls are closing in on me
DAVEPETA: B33 < on us
DAVEPETA: B33 < its all so fl33ting
DAVEPETA: B33 < how do you do it
DAVEPETA: B33 < how do you k33p breathing

A shot of Dave’s face, as stoic as ever. Dave takes a deep breath in, then out, His form shakes eerily.

DAVE: idk
DAVE: you tell me

The camera cuts back to the city view, and Dave and Davepeta have switched positions. A shot of Davepeta’s face this time, though they don’t say anything. Finally, we see Davepeta standing alone on the roof, with only the howling of the wind for company.

Dave sits hunched in his chair, watching the credits roll.

KARKAT: I’M GOING OUT FOR DINNER WITH KANAYA, DID YOU WANT ME TO BRING YOU BACK ANYTHING?

In an instant, Dave closes the movie on his desktop and spins around to face his boyfriend, sunglasses crooked on his face. If Karkat notices, he doesn’t say anything.

DAVE: im good
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T THIS MORNING, BUT SOMETIMES YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
DAVE: i really dont want anything its fine
DAVE: ill probably grab something on the way back from dirks
KARKAT: ARE YOU REALLY DOING THAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE DONE WATCHING SHIT AT HIS PLACE.
DAVE: idk
DAVE: probably
DAVE: the movie sounded pretty interesting
KARKAT: YOU ASKED TO GO BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW WHAT YOU WERE WATCHING.
DAVE: davepetas probably got good taste
DAVE: ive got good taste
KARKAT: DEBATABLE.
KARKAT: WHATEVER. HAVE FUN. I’LL PROBABLY BE HOME WHEN YOU GET BACK.
DAVE: cool

Karkat takes a step further into Dave’s room, then turns around and leaves. Dave sinks in his chair as soon as Karkat is out of sight, spinning back around to face the computer. He places his face in his hands.

EXT. DOWNTOWN DOUBLE DALLAS - EARLY EVENING - APRIL 21ST

The sun is beginning to lower in Double Dallas’s central business district, its light bouncing off the glistening skyscrapers and irritating the eyes of commuters and tourists below. Dave weaves between them, only half aware of his surroundings with his attention split between the city around him and the phone in his hand. Pedestrians, cyclists, and various motorized vehicles join together in a cacophony of foot and rubber against concrete. Vendors peddle their wares throughout the crowded boulevard, crying out to draw in whoever might be interested. We hear none of this, though– Dave’s headphones block out all but the faintest hint of the sounds of traffic and commerce, instead replacing them with Yves Tumor’s God Is A Circle. A human tourist recognizes Dave, elbowing her companion and pointing. Dave ignores her.

EB: did i tell you about the argument i got into on reddit the other day?
TG: top 10 most terrifying notifications to receive from a trusted friend
EB: har har. i don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want me to.
TG: no i dont give a shit tell me about the guy you ratiod into oblivion
EB: a girl, actually.
TG: im sorry the girl you completely annihilated with facts and reason

Dave nearly bumps into a carapacian, only barely stepping out of their way. He continues on unfazed.

EB: it was just some one who didn’t “get” why people on the trans cinema sub reddit kept finding trans readings for characters.
EB: she was trans, so it wasn’t really active bigotry…
EB: i think she was just stupid.
EB: she deleted her account, though, so i can’t really check her other posts.
TG: damn egbert you bullied someone off the platform
TG: thats toxic
EB: i didn’t do anything! i posted a well worded and polite response.
EB: other people were pretty terrible, but i can’t really help that.
EB: people get so upset about movies!
TG: unlike you who is the worlds most stoic and reserved woman when it comes to film
EB: you don’t have any room to talk! you’re dating karkat vantas, after all.
TG: yeah ig so
EB: and honestly, you can’t blame me for getting excited.

An excited young troll runs through the crowd, chased by her weary mother. She bumps into an almond vendor, falling down onto the ground, but she gets back up and keeps running. Dave glances at her as she goes.

EB: i mean, there’s thousands of years of stuff to catch up on!
EB: four whole universes worth of movies, and games, and shows, and books if you’re into those i guess.
EB: think of all the things that people have said. or all the ideas people are trying to explain!
EB: jas has been talking about this a lot. it went over my head at first, but i think i’m finally understanding a little bit.
EB: so many themes and patterns keep showing up across history. or histories, plural, i guess?
EB: there’s so much in common, but so much that’s different.
EB: like, did you know there’s three different versions of the movie alien?
EB: jas and i had a triple feature of our earth’s alien, the earth C version, and the troll version the other night.
EB: i was mostly focused on troll and human sigourney weaver, but jas had so much to say about what was the same and what was different.
EB: the alternian version was actually historical fiction, which i totally missed.
EB: i guess what i’m trying to say is that there’s, like…
EB: so much to learn from.
EB: it’s kind of impossible to fully get, but i want to keep trying.
EB: there’s just so much to see!

Dave stops outside the tallest building in the whole downtown– 1203 Strider St. It’s named after Dirk, not him– after all, what eventually became this building was once Dirk’s isolated apartment building. Dave prefers it that way.

EB: sorry, i’m rambling a little.
TG: its cool lol
EB: jas is a bad influence on me, hehe.
TG: nah i mean
TG: its like
TG: nice to see you happy you know
TG: not to be a downer but you were going the fuck through it for a while and its like
TG: idk
TG: seeing you come out the other sides kind of inspiring i guess
TG: makes me feel like i can do better
EB: aww, dave! :B
EB: you’re too sweet.
TG: nah im bitter
TG: cold to the world
EB: nope. you seem pretty sweet and soft to me.

Dave strolls through the lobby and steps into the elevator.

TG: whatever you say
TG: anyway im at dirks so
TG: ttyl
EB: bye dave! have fun.

Dirk opens the door as soon as Dave arrives outside it, glancing past him at the camera he’d installed in the hallway. He ushers Dave in wordlessly, leading him through the cramped and cluttered hallway into his slightly less cramped and considerably more cluttered living room. Dave pulls out his earbuds.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey!
DAVE: sup

Davepeta sits sprawled over the couch, wings almost wrapped around it, completely at ease in Dirk’s man cave of a home. The apartment hasn’t changed much since Dave was last here– indeed, it hasn’t changed much period. It doesn’t reek of teen smell anymore, at last, but beyond that it remains the time capsule it’s always been, mall ninja memorabilia and all. Back when Dave came around more, Dirk had the decency to keep the swords in his room, but evidently they’ve crept back in, gleaming at whoever cares enough to look at them.

DIRK: Are we ready to start?

Davepeta giggles a little.

DAVEPETA: B33 < let the dude sit down furst! sh33sh.

Dave does as they say, sitting down a few feet from his counterpart. Dirk, who has been holding the remote the entire time, presses play. He does not sit down himself. Neither Dave nor Davepeta react to this.

DAVE: so what exactly are we watching here
DIRK: Shh.

Two trolls appear on screen: one, a boy perhaps seven or eight sweeps old, and another, his speech therapist, referred to in the subtitles as his tunnel exploitician. Eventually, the film moves on to a wide shot of the Alternian countryside, where a bronze-blooded troll woman has an encounter with a cerulean legislacerator.

DAVE: (seriously though what is this movie called)
DAVEPETA: B33 < (its alpurrnian but)
DAVEPETA: B33 < (if i reclaw correctly its called “a film in which two troll women, bound by fate, furcumstance, appurreance, and clawnection to a troll man who is the descendant of one, and the matespritz of another…)

Two grubs run about and play with their canine lusus behind the woman and the man. The two adults continue their discussion of Alternian politics in the pre-condescension era. The camera moves fluidly to a shot of a burning barnhouse.

DAVEPETA: B33 < (...struggle with a lack of clawntrol of and slash or say in the mewmultuous hisstory and pawlitics of the troll soviet union; ind33d, this chaos manifests materially in the physical circumstances around these women…)

Two women– one portrayed by the same actress as before, the other new, get into an argument over a misprint in a news publication. The two get very close to each other as they argue, almost entangled with one another in conflict. Dave looks away.

DAVEPETA: B33 < (...repurresented in the furm of elemental forces, pushing and pulling at them, leaving them f33ling helpless as they watch children and matesprits alike compress and contort into the shapes of men–)
DAVE: ok i get it
DIRK: SHH.

Davepeta sighs a little and turns their attention fully back to the movie, where a young troll boy is practicing his culling skills on a frozen mountain alongside several others and his instructor. Dave grips the sleeve of his hoodie, shrinking inwards on himself.

The scenes of the movie pass much quicker. Conversations between matesprits-turned-kismeses-turned-distant rivals fly by, with seemingly real footage of Alternian war crimes scattered between them. A woman and a child take refuge with a stranger. A woman looks in the mirror. Dave coughs. A woman bathes. The sun sets in the west-facing window of the apartment, filling the room with orange light.

There are no credits– the movie simply ends, and the three are left with a black screen.

DAVEPETA: B33 < so what did we think?
DIRK: I mean, there’s a great deal to say about the uncommon casting decisions. In Alternian cinema especially, those sorts of decisions are frowned upon–
DAVEPETA: B33 < i know what YOU think about it silly
DAVEPETA: B33 < i meant our furst time viewer over here

The corner of Dave’s mouth turns downwards.

DAVE: did you all watch this movie already
DAVEPETA: B33 < furreakin ages ago but yeah
DAVEPETA: B33 < now that im making mewvies myself i really wanna revisit my inspirations you know?
DAVEPETA: B33 < and of course that includes getting new purrspectives
DAVEPETA: B33 < so what did you think!!
DAVE: right uh
DAVE: i thought it was…
DAVE: good?
DAVEPETA: B33 < mhmmmm
DAVEPETA: B33c < go on
DAVE: im not really used to watching alternian art films cause karkat doesnt like them
DAVE: goes on and on about “how easy it is to make surface level criticisms of empire from within it”
DAVE: which like i dont disagree with but you know its hard to get my own opinion on it
DAVE: i thought it was like
DAVE: idk
DAVE: relatable

Dirk crosses his arms. Davepeta leans in a little closer. Dave holds back a flinch.

DAVE: like idk im not a troll and only grew up on shitty earth the first but like
DAVE: i get the feeling of being completely boxed in by your society and the people around you
DAVE: like there werent any sad adult women in my life to weep miserably at the sorrow of it all but idk maybe it couldve gone better if i had like
DAVE: role models
DAVE: and also didnt grow up neck deep in performative masculinity and shit
DAVE: but you probably know all that
DAVE: you kind of made a movie about that exact thing already

Davepeta’s wing thumps against the back of the couch in a seemingly reflexive motion. This time, Dave does flinch.

DAVEPETA: B3o < did you watch the rest of it??
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: it was pretty good
DAVEPETA: B33 < hell fucking yes!!
DAVEPETA: B33 < this mewvie was a huge inspurration on me im so happy you picked up on it
DAVEPETA: B33 < the pawlitical clawmentary in this one is abscat and pawmplex as always so i get relating more to the purrsonal aspects of the story
DAVEPETA: B33c < you knowww though
DAVEPETA: B33c < i happen to be workin on a second mewvie these days and its a period piece
DIRK: You are?

Dave jumps again at the sound of Dirk’s voice.

DIRK: That’s news to me. Which time period? Which universe? Are you filming yet?
DIRK: Why hadn’t you mentioned it before?
DAVEPETA: >B33 < early clawndescension era, alternia, yes, and because i knew mew would ask one william questions about it!!
DAVEPETA: B33 < what i was going to say though is that dave i think you should come watch the filming one day
DAVEPETA: B33 < if you want
DAVEPETA: B33 < im always happy to s33 what mewve got to say
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: yeah uh totally
DAVE: i can do that
DAVE: karkat probably wont mind

A glance is shared between Dirk and Davepeta, but nothing more is said about it for the rest of the night.

Notes:

as always, you can find me on tumblr. thanks to jane, lily, and jo for helping with writing... couldn't do it without you all.

Chapter 3: SCENES 7-8

INT - WAREHOUSE FILM SET - MIDDAY - APRIL 23RD

The clamor and cacophony of a movie set resounds throughout the warehouse, barked commands struggling to be heard over the sounds of construction. Dave weaves his way through the chaos with minimal struggle, though he does appear completely lost. Eventually, Jade Harley catches his eye, and he waits for three men carrying a large wooden board to cross before walking over to greet her.

DAVE: sup
JADE: oh dave!!! right davepeta told me youd be here i cant believe i forgot
JADE: ive got a lot going on these days you know how it is…
DAVE: its no big deal
DAVE: i couldnt do half the shit youre doing anyway
DAVE: some days i feel like im not equipped to be assistant director to putting toast in the toaster let alone a whole ass fuckin movie
JADE: wellll, technically im just script supervisor and set design lead
JADE: but let me tell you something dave
JADE: none of this would have happened without me ;)

Jade is all dressed up for her role as assistant director: she’s wearing nearly cartoonishly large glasses, eschewing her typical circular frames for a more librarian-style look, her hair is tied up with the stereotypical pencil stuck through it, and she’s wearing a dark floral dress that goes down to her knees. Dave shoves his hands in his pockets and doesn’t meet her gaze.

JADE: im super excited to have you here though!
JADE: this whole things been a long time coming, vivis been talking my damn doggy ears off about it for months
DAVE: vivi
JADE: oh hehe i mean davepeta!
JADE: i just call em that cause its cute
DAVE: right

An awkward moment of silence passes–or, well, what passes for silence in the crowded, noisy warehouse. Jade look at her watch and slaps her thigh.

JADE: shit, ive got a meeting in five minutes
JADE: dave why dont you come along with me, i think davepetas probably about to come out of their trailer
JADE: they can give you the run down on what exactly were trying to do here

Jade takes flight into the air, gesturing for Dave to follow her. After a beat of hesitation, he follows her upwards, and the noise quiets just slightly.

JADE: isnt it crazy that weve built all this in like a week?
JADE: i mean with my powers we probably coulda done it way faster but vivi says its gotta be “authentic”
JADE: which i TOTALLY get, i really do! but cmon its not like anyone could tell the difference right?
JADE: dave?

Dave looks down at the set beneath him. A four-story apartment building sits centered in the warehouse, surrounded by building facades and fake cars. A couple shop interiors are entirely constructed or are in the process of being constructed– workers flow in and out of them, rapidly assembling what could from very specific angles be mistaken for a western European city in the old Earth seventies.

DAVE: right yeah sorry
DAVE: its really something alright
JADE: it really is

Jade purses her lips, lost in thought. If there’s anything she was planning on saying, she doesn’t say it, and eventually the two land near a collection of upwards of twenty trailers arranged haphazardly in the corner of the warehouse.

JADE: just wait here, ill go get them
JADE: nobody even uses most of these, they just alchemized a bunch “just in case”
JADE: “just in case” my ass. you only have four named characters in the script!
DAVE: whats this movie called anyway
DAVE: nobody ever tells me what shit is called im beginning to suspect im the victim of some elaborate joke
JADE: ugh, dont ask
JADE: or well you CAN but prepare for a whole lecture on the creative process and “alternian inspurrations”
JADE: that cat is going to make me go gray i swear

Jade marches up to a trailer and knocks loudly on the door three times.

JADE: OPEN UP ALREADY
JADE: WE’RE STARTING FILMING IN TEN MINUTES AND YOU ARENT EVEN IN POSITION YET

She looks sheepishly back at Dave.

JADE: sorry dave, they do this every day

She goes to the next nearest trailer and knocks again, repeating the process. Then another, and another, growling more and more with each empty trailer. Eventually, she barks loudly, and Davepeta materializes in front of her, briefly outlined with the glow of the Green Sun.

DAVEPETA: B33 < sup babe!
JADE: dont sup babe me!! you told me youd stop doing this bit
DAVEPETA: B33 < h33h33 sorry
DAVEPETA: B;33 < i cant help batting you around from time to time

Jade coughs, her ears flicking in the direction of Dave. Davepeta blinks, then flies over to him. Jade lets out a deep sigh, draining the tension from her body before she wordlessly flies off to wherever she’s needed next. Dave watches her go.

DAVEPETA: B33 < dave!! im so glad youre here
DAVEPETA: B33 < this is your furst time on a mewvie set right?
DAVEPETA: B33 < sometimes the timelines get a little tangled up in my head like a mewtiful ball of yarn
DAVE: yeah its my first time
DAVE: it seems like kind of a complete clusterfuck here is that normal
DAVEPETA: B33 < fur me it sure is! and i think for efuryone else too
DAVEPETA: B33 < its kind of an involved purrocess
DAVEPETA: B33 < at least im only directing this time
DAVE: i kinda just assumed youd be the lead actor again
DAVEPETA: B33 < nah it was just wayyy too much to handle
DAVEPETA: B33 < just beclaws im two kitties in a trenchcoat doesnt mean i have the stamina to keep up with all that
DAVEPETA: B33 < its much easier to order other people around from the sidelines you know?

Dave shrugs his shoulders a little.

DAVEPETA: B33 < we really should get going though or jades gonna be furryous

As if on cue, the world flashes green and both Dave and Davepeta suddenly appear in an imitation of a small bathroom, cameras and lights pointed at them. Production assistants hurry the two of them offstage towards Jade, who looks at Davepeta with an intense look Dave can’t quite read.

JADE: were not starting late again vivi
JADE: were doing this now
DAVEPETA: B33 < were makin it–

Jade barks. Everyone on set hurries to their stations.

JADE: everyones ready for scene 23
JADE: are you?
DAVEPETA: B33 < lets do this
DAVEPETA: B33 < action!!

Suddenly, there is an eerie quiet, save for the sound of running water. Dave turns his attention back to the set itself– an empty, sterile bathroom. Eggshell and beige floral wallpaper is cut off abruptly by pristine ceramic tile a few feet from the ground, blending with the white tile of the floor. The pastel pink shower curtain is pulled to the side, billowing slightly as warm air rises up from the tub. Traces of fog gather on the mirror. After several long seconds, a woman walks into frame.

She’s dressed in a white floral blouse, a plain grey cardigan, brown tights, and a black skirt that goes just below her knees. Mechanically, methodically, she takes off the cardigan, placing it on the sink’s counter. Next, she unbuttons the blouse, one button by one, laying it down atop the cardigan. She unzips her skirt, lowering it to the ground and then folding it next to her other garments. She sits down on the closed toilet and peels her tights off her shaved legs. There’s a practiced elegance to it, with each motion flowing into the next.

Reaching behind her back, she unhooks her bra, letting out the quietest sigh as she does so. Finally, she removes her underwear, leaving her completely nude. For a moment, she sits there, staring against the wall. Eventually, though, she stands, and places one foot into the shower, then another, before finally lowering herself into the water.

With her whole body revealed, she looks a great deal like Roxy– narrow frame, small breasts, tightly coiled kinky hair suspended just above her broad shoulders. Dave stares, transfixed, as she applies a black washcloth to her neck, then her arms, then her torso, moving with slow, deliberate movements. Her expression is still and calm, and her breaths are shallow. Her hands move below the rim of the bathtub, and she continues to clean herself for multiple minutes.

In the other room, a phone rings. The woman sighs, reaching for a towel placed folded on the toilet, and rises from the bathtub, gently covering herself with the towel. The cameras follow her as she walks barefoot into her living room, where the phone sits on a side table next to a small sofa. She picks it up, but does not sit down.

WOMAN: Hello?

Whoever is on the other end, they can’t be heard. The woman’s brow furrows.

WOMAN: No, I…

The woman purses her lips as she listens.

WOMAN: Right, yes, I understand. He’ll be home from school shortly.
WOMAN: I was just certain this was my weekend with him.

Her expression doesn’t change as she speaks. Her tone remains steady and measured.

WOMAN: I wish we wouldn’t have to fight over this. We made an agreement in court–

An interruption. Her tone remains soft and removed.

WOMAN: Fine. He’s usually home by six. You can come by around seven.

The woman glances at her front door.

WOMAN: Okay. Goodbye.

The woman places the phone down on the receiver, but the rest of her body does not move. She stands there, dripping water onto the floor, before abruptly turning around and walking back to the bathroom. The sound of her breathing echoes off the ceramic walls of the bathroom as she takes her towel off and lowers herself into the bathtub once more. She grabs the washcloth and continues to bathe.

EXT. CITY OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT

The streetlights flicker with yellow and white, illuminating Dave’s path home as he walks down empty sidewalks past empty cars in a picturesque Earth C suburb. The wind rustles the trees and shrubs of Earth C’s yards and medians, but Dave doesn’t hear it. His earbuds are in, as per usual, but even the distorted sounds of Injury Reserve’s Ttktv don’t seem to reach him.

His eyes are glued to the ground. His head hangs low, staring at the cracks in the pavement where the roots of the trees have grown too large. His phone buzzes in his pocket every few minutes, but he doesn’t answer. One of the houses’ living room lights flicks on as he walks past. A human woman presses her nose to the window and watches him walk by.

The sound of crickets chirping grows louder as Dave approaches his own apartment. He shoves one hand deeper in his pockets as he approaches the door, fumbling for his keys. When he arrives on his doorstep, though, Karkat opens the door.

KARKAT: HEY.

Dave pulls out one of his earbuds.

DAVE: sup

Karkat delivers a perfunctory kiss on the cheek. Dave half-heartedly returns the gesture, just missing his boyfriend’s lips.

KARKAT: HOW WAS THE SHOOT?
KARKAT: HAS DAVEPETA ACTUALLY LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THEIR PREVIOUS ATTEMPT? I DOUBT IT, OF COURSE, BUT IF THEY’RE ANYTHING LIKE YOU, THEY’RE SURPRISINGLY RECEPTIVE TO CRITICISM.
KARKAT: GIVEN A HIGH ENOUGH QUANTITY, ANYWAY.
DAVE: idk i mean its like
DAVE: a very different production
DAVE: i only saw a couple scenes anyway they were mostly focused on getting this one exactly right
DAVE: they had to get a pa to give the main actress lotion because of all the damn scrubbing it was some silence of the lambs type shit
DAVE: besides theyre not even in this one anyway
KARKAT: THANK FUCK FOR THAT, AT LEAST.

Dave slides past Karkat into their living room, brushing up against him slightly. Karkat closes the door.

KARKAT: I ORDERED TAKEOUT LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AGO. I FIGURED YOU’D WANT THE SAME SHIT AS LAST TIME.
DAVE: im not really hungry
KARKAT: RIGHT.

The two of them stand in the living room, several feet apart. Dave leans towards the stairs towards his room. The conversation stalls.

KARKAT: DID YOU WANT TO WATCH ANYTHING?
DAVE: im kinda watched out man
KARKAT: OK.

Another beat.

KARKAT: WE COULD PLAY SOMETHING? IT’S BEEN AGES SINCE WE PLAYED TONY HAWK.
KARKAT: OR, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. I DON’T REALLY GIVE A FUCK.
DAVE: im just tired

Karkat sighs.

KARKAT: RIGHT.
KARKAT: GOOD NIGHT, THEN.
DAVE: good night

Without another word, Dave slinks down into the basement. When he and Karkat had first moved in, this was where he slept all of the time– eventually, though, the space between them closed, and Karkat’s room was turned into their shared room. His studio, as Karkat calls it now, still has a futon in it, and some nights Dave sleeps there. Most nights, these days.

Dave flops down on the futon, curls up, and goes to sleep.

Notes:

my tumblr

Chapter 4: SCENES 9-11

INT - AMERICAN RESTAURANT

Dads argue and waitresses scamper towards unserved tables in a slightly overcrowded Outback Steakhouse. Dave, Roxy, and Callie sit in a booth in the corner, just by the bathroom. The sharp vowel sounds of staff putting on gratuitous fake Australian accents pierce through the slightly too loud background music (Maybe I’m Amazed by Paul McCartney.) Dave taps his fingers on the table rhythmically as he watches people walk to and from the bathroom, opening doors labelled “Sheilas” and “Blokes.” Roxy and Callie are thoroughly engrossed in some game on the ordering tablet glued to the table.

ROXY: check it babe
ROXY: ur sexy gf is abt 2 fuckin destroy the breakout hi score
ROXY: theyll be riting my name in the history books
ROXY: *herstory books srry
ROXY: were gonna have 2 start hiring bodygaurds so that nobody assassinates me 4 the title
ROXY: of breakout queen champion
CALLIOPE: the other patrons of this restaUrant are sUre to be jealoUs, dear.
CALLIOPE: for there can be nothing as valUable or important as a high score! ^u^
ROXY: well ok u dont have to get sassy about it goddam
CALLIOPE: hee hee.
ROXY: dave back me up here
DAVE: what

Dave turns towards Callie and Roxy. Outback Steakhouse’s disconcertingly dim ambience in combination with his sunglasses make his face entirely unreadable. The two across from him share a look.

ROXY: nothin
ROXY: so um whatve u been up 2 l8ly?
ROXY: i heard uve been helpin out with davepetas movie?
DAVE: not really
DAVE: i mean ive been there but im pretty much just there to watch davepetas masterpiece unfold before my mortal eyes
DAVE: or my immortal eyes i guess
ROXY: rite…
ROXY: what is it liek
ROXY: actually abt?
ROXY: jade was tellin me a lil bit abt it but tbqh it flew strait over my head
ROXY: im not rly the movies girl
CALLIOPE: we watched that one film the other day, thoUgh!
CALLIOPE: oh, what was it called…
CALLIOPE: it had that terrible slime creature in it.
ROXY: lmfao do u mean return of the jedi
CALLIOPE: yes!! star wars, right. what an exciting tale. i was a toUch disappointed when it finally conclUded.
ROXY: i luv u bby

She gives Calliope a chaste kiss on the forehead. Dave looks back towards the bathrooms.

ROXY: but thats what i mean were not really livin it up in the arthouse hangin with andy warthog
ROXY: wen we watch movies its the standard popular stuff
ROXY: cept marvel we dont do that anymore at least thank god
DAVE: its kind of hard to describe

Roxy straightens up in her seat and places her elbows on the table. Calliope continues looking straight at Dave’s shades.

DAVE: like i could tell you what its about textually but id be doing it an injustice
DAVE: with this sort of shit you have to think about the themes first
DAVE: which makes me sound like a pretentious fuck i know i bet rose would let out a single dignified laugh at my hypocrisy
DAVE: years of giving her shit and here i am being just as annoying
DAVE: next thing you know im gonna be quoting freud and writing in cursive
DAVE: but um yeah

The two women across the table smile patiently. Dave slides down in his seat an inch.

DAVE: its about a woman i guess?
DAVE: shes a single mother and in belgium or some shit and shes miserable
DAVE: and its the seventies
DAVE: i know this sounds like the most generic pretentious film ever but its like
DAVE: idk
DAVE: its…
DAVE: its a life defined by its absences
DAVE: theres so much empty space there and something about it just makes you think and think
DAVE: whats going on in this womans head
DAVE: what makes her do the things she does
DAVE: why is she letting everything slip out from under her
DAVE: its like she cant do anything to stop it
DAVE: and i mean she cant her hands are tied
DAVE: theres all this shit building up in her head and we cant see any of it its just silence and short stilted conversations with her teen son
DAVE: its like watching a train wreck in slow motion and the rails are misogyny i guess
DAVE: or maybe the rails are society and the fuckin electric wire things that go above trains sometimes are misogyny
DAVE: or like fuckin–

A burst of commotion and noise interrupts Dave’s rambling. It’s the child in the next booth over’s birthday, which of course means several employees are legally obligated to sing a copyright-free Australianized variant on the traditional birthday song. It’s loud enough that Roxy and Callie both plug their ears.

Right when it finally stops, their food arrives, and the conversation turns to one about raw steaks and blooming onions. Dave spends the rest of his evening not eating his food and ignoring looks from Roxy.

INT - FILM SET WAREHOUSE - MIDDAY

Splintered wood, chunks of drywall and scattered nails litter the floor of the warehouse– part of a building has collapsed. Various set workers delve into the mess to extract what they can and dispose of what they can’t. Dave sits atop one of the intact buildings, watching Jade direct the repair and recovery from the corner of his eye as he texts June.

EB: dude, i just had one of the best sandwiches of all time
TG: ok but “the best sandwich of all time” is an award youve given to literally hundreds of sandwiches over the years
TG: like if you held an award show for all of the sandwiches the nomination list would be a fuckin pamphlet
TG: youd be calling out sandwiches one by one for hours
TG: blt. grilled cheese. philly cheesesteak
TG: people would be sending you death threats because you dared to include ice cream sandwiches

The sound of a jackhammer rings out through the warehouse. Dave’s nose wrinkles.

EB: ok. but now i’m serious.
EB: this sandwich is the number one best on earth C. i’m declaring it in red.
TG: dude what
EB: like, you know. it's a thing you say when something is definitely true.
TG: thats bullshit
TG: im always saying shit in red and i can confirm that basically nothing i say is definitely true
EB: i don't know! it's just something jasprose says sometimes.
TG: oh ok in that case
TG: i guess my word is law now
TG: every time i said i was a totally straight man secure in his identity that was 100 percent correct
TG: fact checked by earth C patriots
EB: dave.
TG: cosigned cause that was some real shit i just said
TG: which is an unnecessary clarification on account of it literally all being real shit no matter what
EB: the bit’s not that funny, dave.
TG: not that funny to you maybe
TG: cant i do something for myself for once

Another ear-splitting bark; apparently, someone is doing something they’re not supposed to. Or perhaps they just talked back to Jade one too many times.

EB: hmm…
EB: nope!
EB: you’re just going to have to sit here and listen to me talk for a while.
TG: fuuuck
TG: that sucks i hate doing that
EB: i know. i’m an evil woman. cower as i tell you about my day.
EB: i went on a walk on a beautiful day in rebellevue with my girlfriend. i had a sandwich that was really good, for real this time. i read some manga.
EB: this must be really hard for you.
TG: im fucking dying here egbert
TG: wasting the fuck away
TG: you cant share one more mundane anecdote with me or ill kick the bucket right here and now
EB: just watch me.
EB: after reading the manga…
EB: i started cuddling with my girlfriend.
EB: and i’m doing that right now.

Two feet to Dave’s left, a hammer strikes a nail. Dave drops his phone off the building, and it plummets two stories before landing on its corner and bouncing out of sight. The hammer’s wielder, a carapacian wearing a hi-vis vest, stares apologetically. Dave shrugs and hops down from the building, gently floating to a stop on the ground. He walks towards Jade, who has extracted herself from the crowd to converse with Davepeta just around the corner of a fake pharmacy.

JADE: its just really such a mess today
JADE: i try not to yell at everyone but im just SO stressed out
JADE: i want this to turn out good for you!
DAVEPETA: B33 < babe youre doing wonderfurry
DAVEPETA: B33 < the cast is strong, they can take a hiss or a bark furom time to time
DAVEPETA: B33 < if its too much we can always find you a right-paw man
DAVEPETA: B33 < nothin wrong with having assistants

Dave freezes just around the corner, out of sight.

JADE: but im your right paw man!!
JADE: or right hand woman i guess hehe
JADE: an assistant to the assistant would be silly
JADE: and besides its much easier for me when i know for sure somethings going to get done
DAVEPETA: B33 < everybodys got their limits puppydog
DAVEPETA: B33 < including everyone on set
DAVEPETA: B33 < i know you love to run a tight ship babe but if you keep enfurcing the litter of the claw people are gonna get upset

A beat.

JADE: …the litter of the claw?
DAVEPETA: B33 < cmon yknow like letter of the law
JADE: that one’s a bit of a stretch vivi

Dave can almost hear Jade rolling her eyes.

JADE: but youre right
JADE: i just know how important this is to you
DAVEPETA: B33 < youre more impurrtant to me baby
DAVEPETA: B33c < i mean i wouldnt say its no clawntest exactly but you come out on top nine times out of ten
JADE: god youre so annoying

This time he can in fact hear the sound of Jade kissing Davepeta. Their wings flap once in surprise, but then they hum and lean into the kiss.

This goes on for a moment. Dave glues himself to the wall.

DAVEPETA: B/3/3 < as mewserable as it makes me baby we gotta get back to work
JADE: werent you the one convincing me to take a break every once in a while?
DAVEPETA: B33 < fair point
DAVEPETA: B33 < its entirely up to you but im purretty sure you dont wanna keep everyone waiting fur an hour while we make out
JADE: daves still here isnt he? we could always get him to send us back
DAVEPETA: B33 < then wed have to explain why we needed it in the furst place
DAVEPETA: B33 < shits pawkward enough as it is
JADE: oh dont say that…
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont mean anything bad by it!
DAVEPETA: B33 < its clawnestly a little cute that he likes the mewvie so much
DAVEPETA: B33 < but you know hes just
DAVEPETA: B|3 < goin through it
JADE: i guess so…
JADE: before he started showing up we hadnt talked in ages
JADE: i was a little mad at first but hes just like

Jade’s voice is muffled, buried in Davepeta’s chest.

JADE: ughhhhhhh
JADE: we dont need to talk about this right now
JADE: lets get that last scene filmed and bounce

When the two of them turn the corner, Dave is gone.

EXT - CITY STREETS - MIDDAY

Dim light filters down onto grey and brown buildings on an eerily quiet day in an already quiet city. A woman dressed in a brown coat and a plaid skirt walks swiftly around a corner and past streetlights and parked cars, overtaking the occasional pedestrian. Her left hand tightly grips the strap of her purse and the right is lodged firmly in her pocket. Her breath fogs up her glasses as she approaches a small building plastered with various posters and a metal plaque reading “OU. MATONGE BUREAU DE POSTE.”

The post office is almost when the woman enters, save for a single employee behind a glass barrier and a man sitting on a bench pressed against the wall. Smoke lingers where the wall meets the ceiling. She swiftly approaches the employee, who fumbles to put out her cigarette upon noticing the woman.

WOMAN: Hi, excuse me.
WOMAN: I came to inquire about a letter you should have received about a week ago.
WOMAN: It’s very important, and I–
EMPLOYEE: One second, ma’am.

The woman sighs and crosses her arms as the employee looks through a few bins of paperwork and lost letters.

WOMAN: It’s addressed to–
EMPLOYEE: I remember, ma’am. You were here yesterday.

A cough from the man in the corner. The woman’s eyes dart over to him, then back at the employee. She taps her foot impatiently for a moment. The air hangs still.

WOMAN: I’m kind of in a hurry here.
EMPLOYEE: Of course, ma’am. One–
WOMAN: I’ve given you “one second.”

Taken aback by the woman’s snapping, the employee just stares at her for a moment. She sighs, then turns her attention back to the cabinets. She stands up and walks to a drawer at the other end of the room, then roots through a small pile of mail placed atop it. Finally, she walks back over to her chair, sitting down again.

EMPLOYEE: We don’t have your letter, ma’am. I’m very sorry.
WOMAN: Can’t you check again? It’s very important.
EMPLOYEE: Things get lost in the mail sometimes. You could call the distribution center–
WOMAN: This is ridiculous. It must be in there somewhere. Look again.

Increasingly exasperated, the employee sighs again and pulls out another cigarette. The radiator in the corner hums.

EMPLOYEE: I looked twice already. It’s not there.
WOMAN: It has to be there.
WOMAN: This is ridiculous. I need the contents of that letter immediately, I called and confirmed he sent it.
WOMAN: Did someone steal it?

The employee blinks, holding her lighter to her cigarette. The man on the bench rustles his newspaper.

EMPLOYEE: I don’t think anyone stole it, ma’am.
WOMAN: But do you know for certain nobody stole it? There was a check inside. Someone could have taken it.
WOMAN: How many times do I need to tell you this is important?

The woman’s voice, though not quite loud enough to be considered a shout, echoes in the tiny barren room. It isn’t enough to dissuade her from growing louder, though.

WOMAN: I called him and he said he’d sent it weeks ago, so it has to be here.
WOMAN: You must have it.
EMPLOYEE: We don’t, ma’am. I can’t make a letter magically appear–
WOMAN: You can do something, though, can’t you?
WOMAN: Anything?

The employee just shakes her head, cigarette in her mouth.

The woman slams her hand down on the counter, cries out in anger, and storms out of the building, leaving only the employee and the man inside.

Chapter 5: SCENES 12-15

Summary:

content warning for like. one use of the r-slur and the presence of cops doing cop-typical things

EXT - WAREHOUSE GROUNDS - MORNING

A small assortment of people stand around outside the set warehouse, chatting and looking at their phones. It’s humid and just slightly too cold to be T-shirt weather, and so those who failed to bring jackets move around to generate heat. Dave stands off to the side, leaning against the wall of the warehouse and smoking a cigarette.

Someone walks through the small crowd gathered at the entrance towards Dave– he spots her out of the corner of his eye. It’s Roxy, and she waves at him.

ROXY: heyyy dave
ROXY: crazy seein u here

Dave blinks, then pulls his cigarette away from his mouth.

DAVE: roxy
DAVE: sup

Roxy joins Dave in leaning on the wall, arms crossed. She, like many others, did not dress appropriately for the weather, instead opting for a pink cropped hoodie and jean shorts.

DAVE: is it that crazy though
DAVE: im here basically every day
ROXY: so ive heard
ROXY: ur like
ROXY: RLY in2 this movie huh

Dave shrugs. Roxy doesn’t turn to look at him directly, but her eyes are glued to him. He makes a concerted effort not to meet her gaze as the two stand there silently.

ROXY: i didnt kno u smoked
DAVE: sometimes
DAVE: not at home cause karkat doesnt like it
DAVE: which is a cliche as fuck thing to say
DAVE: im not like a troubled dad trying to put up a strong front for his wife
DAVE: but oh shit look he has problems too hes got a nicotine addiction isnt that tragic
DAVE: cant a guy get lung cancer without it being symbolic for anything
ROXY: can we even get lung cancer lmao
DAVE: im on my way to find out

He puts the cigarette back in his mouth. Roxy snorts, but the smile quickly fades from her face. She opens her mouth, then closes it, then finally opens it again to speak.

ROXY: so like i get this is ttly out of the blue n i kind of sound like a dweeb 4 askin
ROXY: n feel free 2 tell me 2 fuck rite off if thats what u need but um
ROXY: r u like
ROXY: doin ok?

Dave doesn’t say anything, or move much at all.

ROXY: im only askin bc uve seemed like
ROXY: kinda quiet lately
ROXY: and also u havent been responding to texts
ROXY: and also u havent been posting online or like
ROXY: idk doing much of anything
DAVE: ive just been busy

Roxy crosses her arms.

ROXY: busy w watchin the movie?
DAVE: pretty much
ROXY: dave i dont want to pry here but jade and davepeta r actually MAKING the movie and ive seen more of both of them than u
ROXY: so like clearly u have something goin on and like
ROXY: i was just thinking it mite be good 4 u to talk abt it
ROXY: at least a little
DAVE: for not wanting to pry you sure seem to be doing that a lot
ROXY: ok fine maybe i do want to pry!!

She turns her whole body to look at him. Dave’s muscles tense.

ROXY: it hurts to see u this way!! ur missing game nite without even telling me why, ur ignoring texts from basically everyone we know and its liek
ROXY: its rly starting to look like a cry for help dave
DAVE: well its fucking not

Dave flicks the cigarette butt to the ground and stomps it.

DAVE: i dont need your fucking pity ok
DAVE: if i was “crying for help” id actually fucking say something
ROXY: dave…
DAVE: dont dave me
DAVE: im fine
DAVE: ive been fine and i will continue to be fine
DAVE: if youve got a problem with me just say it directly
ROXY: my problem is that uve dropped off the face of the earth bby!
ROXY: is it that fuckin hard to answer a text or at least liek
ROXY: tell me that u dont wanna talk rite now
DAVE: i broke my phone
DAVE: not everything is about you roxy sometimes shit just happens

Roxy laughs bitterly.

ROXY: rite im sry ive been makin shit abt me 2 much
ROXY: defo not just trying to help a close friend whos obviously having some sort of depression crisis
DAVE: im not fucking depressed
ROXY: ofc not lmao
ROXY: what is it then
ROXY: u say ur not depressed and i KNO ur never busy enough 2 stay off ur phone
ROXY: did i do something wrong?
DAVE: goddamnit roxy you didnt do anything wrong i just
DAVE: dont want to talk to people right now
DAVE: i know it sounds fucking ridiculous coming from me but sometimes i get sick of the sound of my own voice
DAVE: sometimes i dont have anything to say
ROXY: but weve just been gettin radio silence 4 a hella long time at this point!
ROXY: like im the voidy girl and even i cant put up with all this nothin
ROXY: u understand y thats concerning rite??

Dave scoffs.

DAVE: maybe the reason why im not answering is because im sick of your fucking concern
DAVE: maybe if you talked to me like a person for once instead of a project id have something to say back
DAVE: its crazy how much youre like rose
ROXY: rose wants to help 2 dave
ROXY: we all just care abt u
DAVE: if you really cared youd leave me alone
ROXY: fine

Roxy kicks off the wall and up into the air, floating a few feet off the ground.

ROXY: im not goin 2 make a whole thing abt u bein a supreme bitch here bc i kno ur struggling
ROXY: even if u wont fuckin say it
ROXY: text me if u wanna talk
ROXY: bye dave

She flies off into the sky. Dave watches, posture still rigid.

He smokes for a moment, staring at the space where Roxy once was.

A cheer from Dave’s left. Finally, someone with the keys to the warehouse has shown up– it’s Jade, seemingly midway through her morning preparations– and so the cast and crew filter in. Dave waits for a minute before following them inside.

INT - SMALL KITCHEN - EVENING

Rain pours down outside the small window in a cramped apartment kitchen. The occasional sound of a knife meeting wood breaks apart the rhythmic patter of rain against the walls and ceiling. A woman stands next to the counter, chopping an onion. She’s dressed in a plain white blouse and high-waisted grey pants, and her face is expressionless. She cuts slowly but steadily, lingering for a moment before and after each cut.

Eventually, she finishes chopping one onion and moves on to peeling the next. Her knife is dull, and so the process takes a while– sliver by sliver, the peel is removed. Bits of it fall to the floor as she holds the onion in one hand and her knife in the other.

Thunder booms from outside. The power cuts off for a moment, and darkness fills the room. When it flickers back on, accompanied by a beep from the microwave and a click from the lights, the woman has placed the peeled onion back on the cutting board. As she begins to chop again, a few crimson droplets begin to run down her fingers and onto the board.

She continues to cut, face unmoving, as the volume of blood increases. It stains the onions red, pooling on the board, but she continues to cut anyway, slow and methodical. Eventually, once the onions are cut thoroughly, she moves them into a pot with the rest of her ingredients, allowing them to cook slowly.

Lastly, she places the blood-stained board and knife into the sink, where she scrubs them clean.

EXT - WAREHOUSE YARD - NIGHT

The city outskirts are dark and quiet, save for the distant sound of a plane overhead. The warehouse, too, is dark, with filming having concluded hours prior. The moon wanes in the sky above. A streetlight flickers, and Dave walks into frame.

He’s tired– even his sunglasses can’t quite obscure the bags under his eyes, his exhausted frown. He pushes himself forward, curved over as though his head is magnetized to the ground. His neck and back are bent. His hair is messily shoved into his hood. Stubble protrudes from his chin. His breathing is slightly labored.

As he walks, he fiddles with a tiny MP3 player he’d lodged away in his sylladex. He plays Injury Reserve’s Outside with one earbud out, blasting it loud enough that it would be audible to anyone around him, were he not alone.

Houses pass by behind him as he walks past gratuitous yards and mini McMansions. A dog chained to a post watches him go, deliberating on whether or not to bark. It decides that it will, though only as he leaves. From a second story window, someone watches him go.

Dave keeps walking for a while. The houses grow more dense in number, though the yards and fences continue. A black car drives past him, then stops. Red and blue lights flash on atop it. As Dave walks past it, a human man with a buzzcut rolls down the window.

COP: Sir? Excuse me?

Dave turns and looks at the cop, who is sitting alongside his partner. Both stare back at him.

COP: Could you explain what you’re doing out here, sir?
DAVE: uh

Dave looks around. Nobody else is there. He straightens his posture out a little and pauses his music.

DAVE: walking home

The cop by the window stares daggers at Dave. The driver crosses his arms and mutters something to himself.

The cop by the window takes a deep breath and rests his arm on the open window of the car.

COP: We’re going to need to see some ID, sir. This is a restricted access community past 8 PM.

Dave opens his mouth, sighs, then pulls his wallet out of his sylladex, fishing through for his driver’s license. He finds it, pulls it out, and hands it over, looking away with his hands by his sides.

The cops look at the ID, then the passenger cop scans it with his phone. The driver taps his fingers as Dave’s information loads. When it does, the driver blinks in surprise, staring over his partner’s shoulder. The two mutter to each other for a moment.

Dave stands still, staring down the road. The passenger sighs, then turns to Dave.

COP: Take off your hood and glasses, sir.

Dave sighs, and slowly removes his hood, then takes off his sunglasses, holding them in his left hand. The cop looks at him, then back at the screen, then refreshes it, murmuring something else to his partner.

A car drives by with its brights on. Dave squints.

Eventually, the driver shrugs, and the cop holding the ID shakes his head. He picks it up and hands it to Dave, facing the windshield as he does so. Dave puts his sunglasses back on, then takes it.

COP: Thank you for your service, sir. Have a safe walk home.

The car drives out of sight.

INT. - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Karkat sits on the couch, pinned in by a TV tray holding a microwave dinner he’s barely touched. He jabs his phone with his finger, typing out something character by character as his other hand fidgets with a fork. The TV is turned on to the nightly news.

Dave enters wordlessly, closing the door behind him. Karkat stares at him for a second, mouth agape, before launching into a tirade.

KARKAT: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?
DAVE: same place im always at
KARKAT: RIGHT. OF COURSE. ON SET.
KARKAT: THE SET A THIRTY MINUTE WALK FROM HERE THAT STOPPED FILMING SEVERAL HOURS AGO. RIGHT, OF COURSE, I’M A MORON. OF COURSE.
KARKAT: HOW WAS THE EMPTY WAREHOUSE? DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING INTERESTING STANDING IN THE DARK BY YOURSELF?

Dave bites the inside of his cheek.

DAVE: i guess i just lost track of time

Karkat shoves the TV tray to the side, nearly spilling his dinner in the process. He stands up and stomps over to Dave.

KARKAT: LOST TRACK OF TIME AND STAYED OFFLINE THE ENTIRE TIME? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?
KARKAT: I’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ALL DAY.
DAVE: my phone is broken dude

To demonstrate, Dave pulls the phone out of his pocket. The screen is shattered. Karkat swats it out of his hand, sending it to join its fallen brethren on the floor.

KARKAT: OF COURSE. YOUR PHONE IS BROKEN.
KARKAT: MY APOLOGIES FOR ACTING COMPLETELY RETARDED! CLEARLY I’M THE ONE AT FAULT HERE FOR NOT BEING MORE CONSIDERATE.
DAVE: dude

Karkat deflates for a moment, a trace of self-reflection evident on his face. Suddenly, though, he takes another angry step towards Dave, reinvigorated.

KARKAT: I’VE BEEN TEXTING YOU FOR HOURS, DAVE. I THOUGHT SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED.
KARKAT: JADE SAID SHE HADN’T SEEN YOU SINCE EVERYONE LEFT FOR THE DAY. SO DID DAVEPETA.
KARKAT: ROXY SENT SOME VAGUE CONCERNING MESSAGE THAT SURE AS FUCK DIDN’T HELP. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY TO HER?
DAVE: it really wasnt a big deal

That remark doesn’t serve to help matters. Karkat’s nails dig into his palms.

KARKAT: RIGHT, OF COURSE. IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.
KARKAT: IT’S NEVER A BIG DEAL WITH YOU. MY FEELINGS AREN’T A BIG DEAL EITHER, ARE THEY?
KARKAT: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IS IT REALLY SO FUCKING DIFFICULT TO TELL JADE TO TEXT ME SO THAT I KNEW YOU WERE ALRIGHT?
KARKAT: IT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY GODDAMN SIMPLE GESTURE OF RESPECT.
KARKAT: I’D DO THE SAME IF IT HAPPENED TO ME. I WOULDN’T NEED TO, OF COURSE, SINCE I HAVE ENOUGH SPARE THINKPAN UNITS AVAILABLE TO REMEMBER TO CARRY A BACKUP FUCKING PALMHUSK WITH ME, BUT I UNDERSTAND IN SOME CIRCUMSTANCES WE HAVE TO MAKE COMPROMISES.

Karkat stops to take a deep breath. Troll biology lends itself somewhat to prolonged rants, but he has to stop for air eventually. It’s only during these times that Dave has an opportunity to respond.

DAVE: dude what the hell is your damage
DAVE: do i have to be reachable 24/7
DAVE: oh shit dave striders actually doing something and going outside and fucking making something of himself lets call the fucking police
DAVE: that happened by the way someone called the actual cops on me like half an hour ago
DAVE: nbd though lets argue about me dropping my phone that sounds like an incredible use of our time

Karkat uncrosses his arms and takes a step closer to Dave. Dave purses his lips.

KARKAT: THIS IS WHAT I’M FUCKING SAYING DAVE.
KARKAT: I SHOULD KNOW THIS SHIT??
KARKAT: WE’RE FUCKING MATESPRITS. OR BOYFRIENDS, OR WHATEVER. I KNOW LABELS ARE HARD FOR YOU, AND I’VE BEEN TRYING REALLY HARD TO ACCOMMODATE THAT.
KARKAT: BUT YOU AREN’T REACHABLE 24/7. YOU’RE BASICALLY REACHABLE NEVER?
KARKAT: EVEN WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. IT’S LIKE TALKING TO A BRICK WALL.

Dave takes a step back, folding inwards on himself.

DAVE: i dont know what youre talking about
DAVE: youre the one who wanted me to do more shit

A bitter laugh. Karkat taps his foot.

KARKAT: I WANTED US TO DO MORE SHIT *TOGETHER*, ASSHOLE!
KARKAT: WE BARELY FUCKING TALK ANYMORE, DAVE. YOU JUST LOOK AT ME LIKE I STRANGLED A BABY MEOWBEAST RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
KARKAT: I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT.
KARKAT: I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU.
KARKAT: I THOUGHT I DID FOR A WHILE, AND I’VE BEEN TRYING SO FUCKING HARD TO HOLD ONTO THAT.
KARKAT: BUT SOMETHING’S MISSING.
KARKAT: AND I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT.
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK I CAN FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT YOUR HELP.
KARKAT: SO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GIVE IT TO ME, I GUESS I’M SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

Dave doesn’t say anything to that. Karkat expects something, though, and so the two stand there, not quite looking at each other. Eventually, Karkat lets out a noise halfway between a growl and a scream. Before Dave can react, Karkat has scrambled up the stairs. Dave can hear as he slams the door to his room.

Chapter 6: SCENES 16-21

EXT - APARTMENT BALCONY - NIGHT

The woman stands alone, looking out over the city. The shops and apartments have turned out their lights, leaving only the intermittent streetlamps to guide the remaining pedestrians. In the distance, busier streets still hum and flicker with the sounds and lights of cars on wet roads. Dressed only in her nightgown, she braces herself against the wind as she stares out towards the lights.

A car drives down the street below her, headlights off. It stops a few doors down from her apartment. A man opens the passenger door and exits; the car swiftly leaves, wheels screeching against the rubber. Someone comes out to greet the new arrival, and the two begin conversing. The woman watches as the men argue over something with increasing intensity, moving closer to each other and gesturing more aggressively. One barks a threat, and the other responds in kind.

For a moment, the two are silent. Then one lunges at the other. Shouts and cries abound as fists fly, making contact with their arms, their faces and backs. From her vantage point, the woman can’t see any blood, but it’s surely there. One of the men gurgles in pain, the sound of it sticking in her mind as she watches the two of them plummet to the ground, one strangling the other.

The man on top says something she can’t quite make out, but it sounds like gloating. He cackles as he manically squeezes the life out from the man below him. His victim flails rapidly for a moment, but then his movements slow, and finally stop. His murderer lingers in that position for several minutes, ensuring the kill.

Eventually, he rises, dusting himself off. He spits off to the side, kicks the ground, and limps down the street, disappearing into the darkness. The other man’s body lies still.

Time passes.

A drop of water falls down from the balcony above her, landing on her shoulder. She cries out, jumping towards the wall. The woman slides open her door, slips through, and pulls the curtains closed, placing her back against the door after doing so. She takes several ragged breaths as she slides to the ground, back to the door.

With the curtains closed, the room is nearly pitch-black.

INT - WAREHOUSE SET - DAY

JADE: are you sure about this one?

Davepeta and Jade sit on the steps outside of one of one of the trailers. Davepeta is holding a clipboard with a considerable number of ragged papers stapled together clipped to it. Jade reads over their shoulder. Aside from the collection of trailers, the rest of the warehouse is empty, save for lines of masking tape laid about. Details, notes, and instructions are scribbled on them with permanent marker. A portable speaker playing Tiger Trap’s Prettiest Boy sits by Jade’s feet.

DAVEPETA: B33 < as sure as i am about anyathing
DAVEPETA: B33 < it might be a little clawntroversial, the furth c cinema market leans a bit more purritan than id like but mew know
DAVEPETA: B33 < whatre they gonna do, not air the catsterpiece of one of the creators?
JADE: i guess so…
JADE: the marketing was just so shitty last time!
JADE: i know you dont want to get into it but that ad was just…
DAVEPETA: B33 < babe we cant talk about the ad again
DAVEPETA: B33 < we made it purrfectly clear that it was me who made the mewvie
DAVEPETA: B33 < nobody who watched it was confused
JADE: you know thats not true.
DAVEPETA: B33 < clawtten tomatoebeans doesnt count sw33theart
JADE: ugh! okay.

Jade sighs, leaning on Davepeta’s shoulder.

JADE: you know i dont want to lecture you vivi… im just worried is all
JADE: youre putting a lot of yourself into your art and i think thats so beautiful
JADE: i think YOURE so beautiful
JADE: and i guess im just scared people will reject you or just
JADE: contort you into something more useful to them

Davepeta extends their wing around Jade, pulling her in closer. She nuzzles their shoulder, and they rest their head atop hers.

DAVEPETA: B33 < thats just how people are
DAVEPETA: B33 < im never gonna be able to commewnicate my clawmplete self to anyone
DAVEPETA: B33 < my selves, even
DAVEPETA: B33 < ive made peace with that
DAVEPETA: B33 < but i still want to try mew know? i want to come as close as i can even if its just like chasing a laser pointer
DAVEPETA: B33 < im never gonna catch it but its just so much fun trying

Jade buries her face in Davepeta’s chest. They mewl in surprise.

JADE: i love you babe

Davepeta looks out at the empty warehouse, lost in thought. Jade dozes off in their arms.

DAVEPETA: B33 < sigh

They paw through the collected papers on the clipboard, occasionally writing little notes. Their pen has a switch on it that allows them to write in either orange or green, and they make liberal use of both.

Eventually, Jade’s ear twitches, and she stirs.

DAVEPETA: B33< that was an unmewsually short nap for you puppydog
JADE: yeah…
JADE: i just thought i heard something

INT - COFFEE SHOP - MIDDAY

A mug of coffee sits untouched on a table by a brown wood and leather booth, steaming slightly. The woman walks in from out of frame wearing, carrying a pastry. She’s wearing a brown dress that peeks out from under her black coat, black tights, and a rosary necklace. She places the pastry next to the coffee and stares at them both, listening to the sounds of soft voices and clinking ceramic in the shop. Her hand sits next to the mug, entirely unmoving. She looks exhausted.

A man wearing a grey hat, a suit, and an untied tie sits four feet to her right, just to the left of an adjacent table. He places his hand on the booth and looks away from her. It’s hard to make out his face.

WOMAN: How many times do I have to tell you no?

The man doesn’t respond immediately. He stretches and takes a sip of his coffee.

WOMAN: It’s been years.

The man smiles.

MAN: And yet here you are.
WOMAN: I’m allowed to buy coffee.
MAN: I didn’t say you weren’t.
WOMAN: I don’t want anything from you.
MAN: Other than money.

The woman grips her coffee mug, but doesn’t lift it.

WOMAN: If I could support my son without you, I would.
MAN: I’m sure.

He takes another sip. The woman doesn’t respond.

MAN: Did the last check arrive yet?

There’s a smugness to his voice. His conversational partner crosses her legs, but doesn’t say anything.

MAN: It should have. Do you need me to talk to someone? You know I can be extremely persuasive.

The woman slams her fist on the table. A bit of coffee spills, running down the side of the mug. The man looks over at her with his eyes, but his head remains stationary.

WOMAN: I told you. We’re not doing this.
WOMAN: I’ve moved on. I don’t need you.
WOMAN: We don’t need you.

The man laughs– not just a single, bitter laugh, but instead an outright outburst, taking a minute to compose himself.

MAN: Are you listening to yourself? You spend so much of your time begging me for money, for time with our son. You need me more than you need yourself.
WOMAN: You disgust me.
MAN: And?
MAN: It’s the nature of women to be disgusted by men. You can’t possibly understand what it’s like.
MAN: It’s not your fault, of course. I try not to blame you.
MAN: Still: to be put in my position–to raise a son in opposition to his mother, instead of with her support–is to be stabbed in the back each and every day.
MAN: I do what I can. I’m proud of him, despite everything.
MAN: He reminds me of me, you know. The blood runs deep in him.

The woman stands up and leaves, storming out towards the door. The man sighs, back slumping. He takes another sip of his coffee and watches the woman’s grow cold.

INT - WAREHOUSE - EVENING

Jade teleports about in the empty warehouse, marking things down on her clipboard and muttering to herself as she goes. Davepeta stands and watches as she disappears from the corner store and reappears by a camera, inspecting it and captchaloguing it. She crosses something out, then blips off somewhere else. Davepeta’s brow furrows, and they call out to her.

DAVEPETA: B33 < jade!!
JADE: yes?

A burst of fire, and she’s standing there before them, gnawing on her pen with her sharp teeth.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i
DAVEPETA: B3/ < nefurmind

Jade tilts her head.

JADE: what? what is it
DAVEPETA: B33 < its not a big deal! youre supurr busy right now
JADE: cmon, you cant do that to me
JADE: if its not a big deal then why did you say something in the first place :P
DAVEPETA: B33 < i just dont want to distact you!
JADE: youre distac– i mean DISTRACTING me right now!!
JADE: just spit it out vivi

Davepeta dramatically rolls their eyes and sighs with their whole body.

DAVEPETA: B(( < its just dave again
JADE: oh… i see
DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah
DAVEPETA: B33 < we were busy earlier but im just purretty furried i suppaws
DAVEPETA: B33 < hes been here but weve barely talked in w33ks
DAVEPETA: B3? < in fact i dont think ive s33n him much at all in like the past thr33 days??

Jade’s ears flatten.

JADE: i dont really know whats going on there either
JADE: hes definitely around! i can smell him
JADE: maybe a little too much even :/
DAVEPETA: B33< babe…
JADE: sorry! sorry, thats mean

She pouts a little, shoulders slumped.

JADE: i dont just know what to do about him

Davepeta puts a paw on her shoulder.

DAVEPETA: B33 < not to make it worse or anything but um
DAVEPETA: B33 < appurrently he got in a fight with roxy?
JADE: is that why she didn’t show up??
DAVEPETA: B33 < as fur as i can tell
JADE: thats so weird. i dont even think i could get in a fight with roxy if i tried!
JADE: and i mean she and dave have always been so close
DAVEPETA: B33 < she was just worried same as efurrybody else
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean shes been stressed about dave for ages
DAVEPETA: B33 < her and purrose
DAVEPETA: B33 < which for the record is not a cutesy nickname for jasprose i mean non cat rose
JADE: babe, if i couldnt differentiate between which cat puns referred to which of our friends we would be done by now
JADE: and thats besides the point!! do you know what dave said??

Davepeta shrugs.

DAVEPETA: B33 < he was just acting catty i guess?
DAVEPETA: B33 < hes not exactly the most emewtionally open purrson babe
DAVEPETA: B// < i would know

Jade snorts, leaning into Davepeta’s touch.

JADE: i guess there isnt really anything we can do
JADE: if i actually see the guy im gonna say something though
DAVEPETA: B33 < if youre sure
JADE: ive handled my fair share of strider melodrama over the years, ill be fine
JADE: he might just need someone to be a bit more assertive!

Davepeta chews their lip as they look off into the distance.

DAVEPETA: B33 < maybe so

EXT - COMMERCIAL DISTRICT - LATE EVENING

The sun sets on the emptying streets of an arterial road. The woman arrives before a fabric shop, its shutters lowering. She peeks below them to get a glimpse at whoever is pulling them closed; despite her efforts, though, the window is shuttered, and she sighs, pulling her jacket tight around her body. She braces herself against the growing wind and pushes onwards, walking down the sidewalk as the number of pedestrians dwindles and the number of automobile-bound commuters grows.

After powering through a couple of blocks, the woman arrives at another store. She checks the signage–it says it’s open–and reaches for the door, but it’s locked. A man leaning against the door to the shop’s left grunts in acknowledgement.

MAN: Shopkeeper’s out.
MAN: Been out for a while. He usually gets my mail for me, so I came down to check.

The woman crosses her arms, not looking in his direction. The man smiles.

MAN: It’s a hell of a pain.
MAN: I’m sure he’ll come back soon. You could wait up at my place, if you like.

The woman purses her lips and continues pushing down the street. The man takes a puff of his cigarette and shrugs, his eyes drifting down to her rear as she walks to the corner and waits at the stoplight to cross.

Eventually, she arrives at another store. It’s closed. She grips her fists tightly and continues onwards, walking into a more residential area. One store on the corner has its lights on, but the man in the window shakes his head as the woman walks towards the door. She presses her hands together, hoping to convince him, but he’s already turned away, broom in hand. She straightens her back and turns around, walking down the street once more.

The streetlamps flicker on. The woman keeps walking.

She passes the store with the man outside it. It too is closed, now. The only trace remaining of the man is a cigarette butt tossed onto the ground. The district is closed for the night, and so the woman must return home.

The wind howls as she makes her way back to her apartment. It’s changed direction, and so she fights it still, her coat and skirt flapping about as if they’re trying to escape her body. She looks straight forward, taking one step after another, until her building enters her view.

A light is on in her apartment. She stares at it for a moment, perfectly still. Then, slowly, she continues walking toward the building. She arrives, keys in hand, and opens it– then, she walks through the narrow lobby and towards the rickety elevator.

She presses the button for the third floor and waits. The lift moves slowly, and the lights and shadows from the first and second stories slide down her face as the cables pull her towards her destination.

She steps out of the elevator, takes twelve paces towards her door, and opens it.

It’s unlocked.

INT - WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING

Jade prowls alone through the completed set. She holds her body low to the ground. Her ears are alert, occasionally twitching in a direction, sending signals to Jade. She follows, sniffing occasionally, stalking around fake bricks and plastered drywall. She’s moving swiftly, dedicated to the pursuit.

A sound in the distance– someone tripping, perhaps? Jade’s feet leave the ground and she darts towards it, making a sharp turn and rocketing down an alleyway. She arrives at her destination: a small park, decorated with plastic plants. Her target isn’t in sight, but the scent is there, and she sniffs at it.

Her ears twitch again, and she looks upward. There, sat in a tree, is Dave Strider, trying and failing to keep his heavy breaths quiet.

Jade doesn’t say anything at first. It becomes clear rather quickly that Dave has nothing to say himself, though, and so she rolls her eyes and speaks.

JADE: dave, cmon
JADE: get down here

Dave purses his lips and jumps down, feet brushing against the bark. Now that she can see him better, Jade realizes he’s a complete mess. His hair is all over the place, his clothes are disheveled, and the tiredness in his eyes is visible even through his glasses

JADE: what…
JADE: i mean i dont even know what to say
JADE: why?

Dave shrugs.

JADE: dont fucking shrug at me?
JADE: are you serious with me right now
JADE: weve all been so worried with you and youve just been, what
JADE: living here???

Dave looks down.

JADE: well?? say something??
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: ive been living here
DAVE: i guess
DAVE: didnt think of it that way til now but i cant really argue

Jade stares at him in disbelief.

JADE: you are being so completely ridiculous right now
JADE: this isnt normal dave
JADE: this is insane
JADE: would it kill you to show some–

Dave’s body is pressed up against the tree, rigid and tense. Jade takes a deep breath, holds it, then releases it. When she speaks again, her voice is quieter, but her tone is no more compassionate.

JADE: how long, dave
DAVE: hard to say

Jade opens her mouth to interrogate further, but Dave tilts his head upwards. Jade follows it, looking up to see another Dave in the rafters, watching them from above. Jade holds her head in her hands.

JADE: oh my god.
JADE: i thought i smelled two of you but i thought i was just out of practice, or that it was a trauma response or like
JADE: okay. its fine. whatever

A bit of anxiety creeps into her voice. Dave’s hands are gripping the cuffs of his hoodie.

JADE: this stuff is dangerous, dave!! did you think about this for even a fucking second?
JADE: please tell me you have a good reason for this.

Dave starts to shrug again, but catches himself.

DAVE: it wasnt really a good reason
JADE: well THATS reassuring to hear

She scoffs, and turns away from him, beginning to pace. Both Daves watch her as she walks back and forth, tail still, ears flattened.

JADE: please just tell me why

Dave looks up at his other self, then back down at the ground.

DAVE: you wrapped filming
DAVE: i wanted to keep watching
DAVE: so i went back
JADE: thats not a fucking answer dave
JADE: youre saying nothing right now
JADE: youre saying nothing to me
JADE: in the past, even when i was as pissed off at you as i could possibly be, youd at least talk enough for me to understand what it was you were mad about
JADE: youd go on some ridiculous tangent and reveal like two of your deepest secrets to anyone who was even slightly paying attention
JADE: and it was cute! and sweet! and im going to be honest totally obnoxious most of the time but it at least made you a person i knew how to be friends with
JADE: even if it took some work
JADE: even if the thing you were talking about was something stupid and ridiculous like it usually was
JADE: cant you just tell me why?
JADE: or anyone? at all??

Jade stops in her tracks, punctuating the question. Dave doesn’t move when he speaks.

DAVE: i dont know how

Jade’s whole body deflates, the anger and tension draining out of her body.

JADE: well
JADE: ok then
JADE: you cant keep doing this though dave
JADE: you can come to the wrap party next week, junes gonna be there and i think itd be good for you
JADE: but after that i think were going to need some space

Dave nods slowly.

JADE: go back to when you came from too, ok
JADE: im gonna be making sure there arent any more duplicates than there should be
JADE: im up to my ears in dave as it is

Jade disappears, and Dave is left alone with himself.

Chapter 7: SCENES 22-23

INT - MANOR FOYER - EVENING

It’s loud and bright in the Strider-Leijon-Harley residence. A few too many people are squeezed into the first floor of their already-crowded manner, clustered around esoteric furniture combinations. The hosts themselves have set up shop in one of two conversation pits, talking to a rotating cast of characters that shuffle about the place. Dave sits alone on something which can only be called “a cat tree for people,” holding a red solo cup in one hand. He looks down at his lap and fidgets with the zipper on his hoodie.

JUNE: hey dave!

Dave makes a noise that could be generously called a squawk as June sits upon one of the platforms above Dave on the tree. June giggles in response.

JUNE: been a minute since we’ve hung out, huh?
JUNE: it’s kind of cool to see what you’ve been up to.
JUNE: although it’s kind of weird not knowing anyone here…

Dave shrugs.

DAVE: yeah idk i never really met anyone either
DAVE: its kind of hard to make friends with someone when theyre doing their job
DAVE: and youre just kind of sitting around watching it
DAVE: rule number one of asking people out is you dont do it when theyre at work
JUNE: i don’t know if that applies to friendship, dave.
DAVE: nah im serious thats a faux pas
DAVE: you cant be drawing lines between friendship and romance its all the same shit
DAVE: which obviously means its weird to try to make friends with people at work
JUNE: obviously.
JUNE: where is it ok to make friends, then? if that’s not too obvious a question, i mean. i’m just trying to learn here.
DAVE: its ok entry level questions are to be expected
DAVE: you havent even done any of the reading yet
DAVE: if you want a more detailed answer you can check out sun tzus the art of friends
JUNE: that one wasn’t your best work, dave.
DAVE: what do you want from me im drunk

June sighs, kicking her feet a little in the air.

JUNE: i’ve been a little lonely, lately.
DAVE: brave words from the woman with three girlfriends
JUNE: oh my god, fine. with the exception of my three girlfriends, i’ve been a little lonely.
DAVE: nice save
JUNE: i’m serious, though!
JUNE: jade’s been so busy, and you and i haven’t talked in like a week.
JUNE: it would be nice if you both could spare a bit of consideration. your good friend june is in desperate need of friendship.
DAVE: uh huh
JUNE: save me dave… i’m so lonely and in need of friends…

Dave finishes the rest of his drink, squeezing the cup a bit in his hand. June giggles at her own joke and looks out at the party, where she notices an empty space in the conversation pit.

JUNE: oh shit, now’s my chance. nice talking to you dave! you should come over some time!

She flies through the air towards Jade and Davepeta, squeezing herself between two random carapacian socialites. Jade teleports multiple people about in the pit so that she can be next to June, who she hugs. Dave does his best to appear as though he’s not watching, looking back and forth.

Eventually, he notices someone in the crowd: the lead actress of the film, the woman who looks like Roxy. She’s wearing a long, flowing crimson dress that goes down to her ankles, with dark lipstick to match. Her earrings look like glistening rubies. Dave watches as she walks from one conversation to another, kissing friends on the cheek and shaking hands. She approaches the conversation pit, kneeling down to greet Davepeta and Jade; the latter of the two introduces June, who smiles wide and shakes her hand.

June and the woman look over towards Dave for a moment. He crushes the cup in his hand.

As soon as the two look away, Dave retreats to the bathroom, nearly bumping into multiple guests in the process. His breath grows heavy as he throws his cup into the trash and ducks into a hallway. Two women have already retreated there, whispering to each other, cradled in each others’ arms. They disentangle a bit to allow Dave to pass them, brows raised. He stumbles past them through the hallway and into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

The bathroom is decorated about as eccentrically as one would imagine; though the specifics are still unsettling. It seems to be “bathroom-themed”-- a framed picture of a sink hangs on the wall, the shower curtain is covered in minimalist outlines of kitchen sinks and tiled floors, and the bath mat has a picture of a plumber fixing a leaky pipe on it. The bass is turned up way too high on the music, and it shakes the walls a little.

Dave looks at the mirror. Stuck to one of its corners is a picture of a cartoon toilet, smiling back at him.

DAVE: jesus christ

Dave falls to the ground, leaning against the back of the door. He takes off his glasses, holds them in his lap, and closes his eyes.

His breath hitches for a second, then he swallows, and sighs.

DAVE: fuck this place

Dave stands back up, takes one last look at the mirror, then opens the door. At the end of the hallway is a door to the mansion’s backyard.

EXT - MANOR BACKYARD - NIGHT

It’s much quieter out here. Uncultivated foliage blocks out any noise from the surrounding neighborhood, and a fountain of Ben Stiller spitting water is just loud enough to block out the clamor of the party, joining with the crickets to form an almost serene soundscape. Various abstract art projects–or perhaps piles of garbage–are gathered in a circle around said fountain, connected to it by stone lines pressed into the ground.

There’s a flash of orange and green light, and Davepeta appears, sitting on Stiller’s shoulder. Dave presses his right hand to one of his temples– he’s got a headache.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey
DAVE: sup

They flutter down from the statue, wings flapping dramatically.

DAVEPETA: B33 < howre you liking the party?
DAVE: shrug
DAVE: its fine

Davepeta nods. They take a seat on the rim of the fountain, and pat the spot by their side. Dave doesn’t move.

DAVE: isnt kind of weird for the host to be hanging out alone at their own party
DAVEPETA: B33 < oh i just wanted some furresh air
DAVEPETA: B;33 < and besides im not alone am i

They gesture for Dave to sit again. He sighs with his whole body and walks over, sitting four feet away from them. They scoot closer.

DAVEPETA: B33 < you know, i nefur got a chance to ask mew how you felt about the mewvie
DAVEPETA: B33 < its been a bit diffurcoat to track you down these past few days!
DAVE: yeah ive just been thinking
DAVEPETA: B33c < of coarse
DAVEPETA: B33 < did that thinking lead to any inpurresting conclawsions?
DAVEPETA: B33 < ive made my stance on kittycism clear you know
DAVEPETA: B33 < im kind of a slut for it
DAVEPETA: B33 < *davepeta winks mostly nonseductively at their unfeathered human half-counterpart*

Dave recoils a bit. Davepeta giggles.

DAVE: yeah i mean
DAVE: idk
DAVE: theres not much to say without seeing the full product but like
DAVE: it made me feel things i guess
DAVEPETA: B33 < well thats important!
DAVEPETA: B33 < im glad my arts making you f33l things dave thats basically the whole point
DAVEPETA: B33c < but if its not too impurrtinent of me to ask id be very curious as to what f33lings it made you f33l

Dave shrugs.

DAVE: idk i havent seen the full thing yet
DAVEPETA: B33 < but you could
DAVE: last i checked you hadnt even started editing
DAVE: i assume editing isnt too pedestrian for you now right youre not gonna just put all the raw footage together
DAVEPETA: B33 < its gonna take furever yeah, im thinking the final purroduct will be thr33 and a half hours long
DAVEPETA: B33 < but itll get done at some point in the future
DAVEPETA: B33 < and youre the hero of time right? should be no pawblem

Silence, for a moment. Davepeta waits patiently for a response.

DAVE: is that what this is about
DAVEPETA: B33 < is what what its about?
DAVE: dont pull that shit on me im sure she told you
DAVEPETA: B33 < ive got no idea what you mean
DAVE: its not something im fucking proud of ok
DAVE: everyone fucks up sometimes
DAVE: and it wasnt even that extreme of a fuckup like it was a completely stable time loop
DAVEPETA: B33 < of coarse.

Clearly, they expect Dave to say something else. He doesn’t, though, and the two just listen to the fountain. Through one of the mansion’s windows, Dave can just barely see June and Jade chatting away, as animated as ever.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im just saying
DAVEPETA: B33 < no time at all for you to go grab it
DAVEPETA: B33 < way easier than watching the same scenes get filmed ofur and ofur again
DAVEPETA: B33 < so theres got to be another reason

Dave stands up suddenly, still facing towards the mansion.

DAVE: you tell me
DAVE: it sounds like you know exactly whats going on at all times so why dont you just fucking clue me in on the situation for once
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats not how it works

He spins around to face them, face impassive but with a bitter tone.

DAVE: not how what works
DAVE: is there a rule to fucking with me
DAVE: some code for smug dipshits that outlines exactly how you can and cant fuck with me
DAVE: being condescending is a ok but make sure not to actually communicate anything straightforwardly thats a rookie mistake
DAVEPETA: B33 < im just trying to help, dave
DAVE: right sure
DAVE: being passive aggressive and weirdly fucking flirting with me is helping my bad
DAVE: if its acceptable to you your liege could you tell me exactly what it is youre trying to help with
DAVE: because i cant tell
DAVE: you just made some slow boring movie that makes me fucking miserable inside
DAVE: kind of seems like the opposite of helping
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean the movie wasnt fur you but i was hoping–
DAVE: hoping what
DAVE: that itd make me more like you
DAVE: that itd “fix” me
DAVE: dont you dare make a stupid fucking cat joke about that i swear to god

Davepeta blinks, mouth open slightly.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i wasnt– dave, im just–
DAVE: god can you stop fucking saying it like that
DAVE: its that exact same tone of voice
DAVE: first roxy now jade now you saying dave like im the most pathetic piece of shit youve ever seen
DAVE: at least roxy didnt try to fucking shame me over it and fucked off when she realized i didnt need her bullshit
DAVE: jade invited me to this nightmare of a party so that her boyfriend could get in on the action
DAVEPETA: B33 < are you being serious right meow

Dave grits his teeth

DAVE: yeah actually i am
DAVE: is this your first time seeing what you look like while serious
DAVE: wouldnt surprise me
DAVEPETA: B33 < im not YOU, dave!!

Davepeta stands up too, wings out.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im not here to torture you dude!!
DAVEPETA: B33 < im someone who knows what youre going through because ive been there
DAVEPETA: B33 < just beclaws we were the same purrson over a decade ago doesnt mean im your purrsonal ebeneezer scrooge ghost here to drag you off to hell
DAVE: ok great
DAVE: you know what im going through right then why dont you TELL ME
DAVE: im all ears

Davepeta hesitates. Their flashing colors dim a little, and they look away.

DAVE: well
DAVE: come on
DAVE: im listening
DAVE: use your bullshit heart powers to tell me exactly whats wrong with me give me my missing piece
DAVE: unless you cant
DAVE: because thats not how people work you cant just be told what the problem is and fix it
DAVE: sometimes the problem is just you and theres nothing to do about it
DAVEPETA: B<< < its not you dave
DAVE: oh sure youd say that
DAVE: if the problem is me that means its you too
DAVE: at least ive got the self awareness to know that im a fuckup instead of playing pretend and telling everyone im a catgirl
DAVE: its fucking embarrassing you know
DAVE: seeing you do all of that shit
DAVE: its not like i blame you if i had a chance not to be me id take it
DAVE: id love it if i could pretend not to be miserable

Davepeta flares to life again.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im NOT miserable!!
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats what im trying to tell you!!
DAVEPETA: B33 < fur w33ks ive been delipurrating ofur whether or not i should tell you
DAVEPETA: B33 < and CLEARLY i fucked up somewhere but i just dont want to have to do this again, especially not if youre going to take it all out on me, and–
DAVE: can you please just fucking say it

Davepeta sighs.

DAVEPETA: B33 < youre a girl, dave

Dave freezes in place. The sound and color around him dulls, save for Davepeta, whose colors seep into the ground around them. His breath stalls out. Gears freeze in place. His fingers shake.

He takes a deep breath.

DAVE: are you fucking kidding me

Davepeta reaches for him, but he takes a step back.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i know its a lot to take in, i didnt want it to come out like this
DAVE: i thought i “wasnt you”
DAVEPETA: B33 < youre not? im not a girl
DAVE: yeah and neither am i
DAVE: if i was trans id know by now
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats not really how it works–
DAVE: i know thats not how it fucking works but ive thought about it ok
DAVE: do you think i just dont have theory of mind
DAVE: when damn near everyone you know is trans you think about it at least once
DAVE: ive thought about it a lot even
DAVE: its just not something that would work for me
DAVEPETA: B33 < but how do you know??
DAVE: im looking at proof right now

Davepeta stares at him, mouth agape. Dave purses his lips, reflecting, but doesn’t say anything.

DAVEPETA: B33 < you are such a little shit
DAVEPETA: B33 < i know you dont mean that is the thing
DAVEPETA: B33 < have mew clawnsidered that ive got access to your meowmories from infinite timelines?
DAVEPETA: B33 < not that i n33d it
DAVEPETA: B33 < i s33 the way mew look at me and jade
DAVEPETA: B33 < you want it so bad its tearing you apart

Davepeta crosses their arms and looks away from him. Dave can see that their eyes are watering a little. Orange and green lights flicker in the air. The stars go dark.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i was doing all of this as a purrtesy
DAVEPETA: B33 < i thought that if i talked some sense into you youd stop hurting yourself and all our furriends
DAVEPETA: B33 < but i guess what they say about neighbeasts and water is true
DAVEPETA: B33 < fur most people, anyway

Dave sighs.

DAVE: dude what are you talking about
DAVEPETA: B33 < i really didnt think i was going to have to do this!
DAVEPETA: B33 < maybe i still dont
DAVEPETA: B33 < but youve pissed me off bad enough that i dont care
DAVE: is that a threat
DAVEPETA: B33 < if you think it is then i guess so
DAVEPETA: B33 < s33 you on the other side, strider

The remaining color drains from the backyard, save for Davepeta’s blinding glow. The rest of the light fades too, leaving the two of them alone in the void. Dave can’t speak– he can’t even move. He can only stare, transfixed, as Davepeta shines brighter and brighter. They walk over to him in slow motion and place their hands on the sides of his head. With their touch comes searing pain that Dave cannot react to.

Davepeta stands on their toes and kisses Dave on the forehead. Everything goes black.

Notes:

sorry for there being a bit more of a wait for this one! i have a one chapter buffer, and chapter 8 is long. chapters 9-11 are going to be on the longer side as well, and i've got a bit more lined up to do in march than usual, so updates might be slower from here on out. rest assured i'm hard at work, though!

if you'd like, you can follow me on tumblr. hope you've been enjoying!

Chapter 8: ---

For a while, you are very cold.

Or maybe cold isn’t the best way to describe it. Thermodynamically speaking, “cold” doesn’t exist; it’s just the absence of warmth. What that entails for one whose existence is entirely bereft of warmth is kind of unclear, though. Not having a body– you don’t have a body, by the way–doesn’t really help things. You can’t feel time, or yourself, or anything, really. Except the aforementioned paradoxical cold.

The cold and the nothing.

This sucks.

There is a light. Red, like an emergency lantern, or like the lights in a part of town frequented by sex workers.

Is that where that comes from? Who gives a shit. You’re starting to feel things again, and it burns. It’s not a body, not quite, but searing pain and gentle pleasure alternate, coiling through whatever it is that current constitutes “you”, one after another. The light grows brighter, or maybe just closer, and you begin to hear sounds. Honking horns, countless footsteps. The chatter of a bustling city. You feel it the same way you’d feel anything else– there’s no division in sense, it’s just information piercing your very being.

“You know, staring through the window for multiple minutes is considerably more conspicuous than walking into the store casually.”

You don’t respond. Can you speak? Is that a thing you can do anymore? It’s cold again, and there’s wind.

“Not that I care either way, mind. You’d just made quite a fuss about it earlier.”

Still nothing. Who is this woman? She sounds familiar. Very familiar, even, though a bit older than she should be. Your stomach turns over, and a dull headache builds near your temples.

“You really were going on and on about the paparazzi. I don’t blame you for it, of course–the both of us are cultural magnates, after all–but at some point the fixation on being watched wraps back around into a perverse exhibitionism…”

Her name is on the tip of your tongue.

“...which shouldn’t surprise me, I suppose. A director such as yourself is inevitably going to be well acquainted with the dynamic between the actor and the voyeur, even without getting into the implications of your own work specifically; you know, I do hate to bring up Freud so often, but…”

No, okay, you remember. Really shouldn’t have taken that long. Since when was Rose a MILF?

Rose snaps her fingers in front of your face, and whatever the hell you were thinking about vanishes in an instant. “Okay, seriously. What’s going on.”

You blink twice.

“cant a girl have a panic attack in peace,” you mutter, glaring at her.

Rose rolls her eyes. “She can. It’s just rather cold outside, and if said girl is rather set on having a panic attack, I’d prefer she did it inside.”

Your head swivels as you anxiously survey the busy Manhattan streets. Perhaps SoHo wasn’t the best choice for your first post-realization jaunt out for clothing. Rose had raised an eyebrow when you brought up “that place on spring street with the price tags in the thousands,” but she only reminded you that basically every store in the area fit that label. You knew where you wanted to go, though, and she followed you here.

You wouldn’t say it, but you’re very glad she came.

“fine,” you sigh. “lets just get this over with.”

The store itself is pretty small. It’s “vintage,” which means that the lack of effort put into presentation is considered a selling point. Wordlessly, Rose wanders off to the rack of dresses in the back, gravitating towards the darkest colors available. You follow a few feet behind her, feigning interest in a jacket or two on the way over. Rose pulls a hanger down and pushes it against your chest, head tilted slightly.

“It’d probably fit, no?”

The dress is completely black, long-sleeved, and soft. You reach out to pinch one of the sleeves between your fingers, then let go, pushing the garment away from you.

“im not goth rose,” you say, annoyed. And then, before she can offer her obvious rebuttal, you continue: “and im not going to be goth.”

She sighs, melodramatically, pouting a little. “It’d look good on you, you know. A bit of black lipstick and you’d be the talk of the town.”

You glare at her. “literally the entire point is that im not the talk of anyone at all.”

“Right, of course,” she says, only half paying attention as she sorts through the remainder of the selection. You look at the dresses she’s left behind, and one catches your eye.

“can you grab that one,” you say, pointing.

Rose frowns. “Just because you’re having a mental health crisis doesn’t mean you can’t use your own hands, you know. I’m not your butler.”

“rose please”

She looks over at you, looking you up and down, evaluating you for one thing or another. Rose looks at you that way a lot, these days. You don’t know what to make of it.

“Fine.” She takes it from the rack. You look at it for a second, then snatch it from her.

“does this place have a changing room” you say, scanning the room for your answer. Rose nods towards the corner, and you stomp forward in that direction, dragging her along by the sleeve. She’s too taken aback by your behavior to say anything, and so the two of you walk into the hallway silently.

A distracted teenager sits on a stool, texting on her Nokia. Rose pushes you past her– if she notices you slipping past a curtain and into the booth, she doesn’t matter. Rose leans against the wall, examining her nails. Occasionally, though you don’t see it, she’ll glance worriedly back at the booth, then back before anyone could notice.

You give the mirror a wide berth as you peel off your jacket, then your shirt. The long johns under your jeans make for serviceable leggings. The bra you’d convinced yourself to wear feels awkward on your flat chest, but you do an admirable job of not thinking about it as you slowly, carefully pull it over your head, putting your arms through the sleeves. Your sunglasses get caught on the fabric and clatter to the ground. You finish putting on the dress and look down for them, picking them up, and…

You fail to avoid looking at the mirror.

“rose,” you whisper. She’s close enough to hear you, and she responds with a hum.

“can you come in here,” you manage to get out.

“Please tell me you don’t need help zipping it up,” she whispers back.

You don’t say anything. She sighs and slips into the booth with you, closing the curtain. When she turns to look at you, she freezes.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she says.

You’re crying. Of course you’re fucking crying, you had to look at yourself. It’s everything you can do to keep silent as Rose places her hand on your shoulder, nudging you towards the seat in the booth. She pulls out a handkerchief from her purse and hands it to you. You bury your face in it.

She sits next to you, patting your knee as you sob as little as possible, hiding yourself from her in the few ways you can. Mercifully, in an unexpected display of tact, she says nothing for a while.

Eventually, she stands up and speaks, but you can’t hear her. Or rather, you can hear her, but the sounds don’t coalesce into words. You ask her to repeat herself, but this time the sound doesn’t reach your ears– then she disappears entirely, along with the room.

An unpleasant dizziness overtakes you for a moment. When your head clears, you’re back in the void again, with your own thoughts and feelings and your own memories.

Color buzzes in the corners of your vision. Instantly you become convinced that there’s something in the back of your head, worming its way through your brain, changing and mutating it to suit its own purposes. You can almost hear it burrowing around in your skull, eating your gray matter, killing you and replacing it with itself. You try to scream, but again, you don’t have a body.

Right, you don’t have a body. You focus all of your attention on that instead, ignoring whatever flashback slash memory slash brain death-induced hallucination you just experienced. It’s much easier to be nothing at all.

At least, that’s what you tell yourself.

The fact of the matter is that being nothing is kind of terrible? It was almost tolerable for a moment, there, but the memory of having been something else keeps eating away at you, unraveling you slowly.

How did you get it to go away last time? You just got tired of it, and thought about something else, and then…

Neurons start to fire. This time, it’s the sound that reaches you first– music playing just a bit too loud to hear, the cheap effects of an Xbox being played on in the other room. It doesn’t take nearly as long for you to remember this time– you know this place. Okay, the strategy backfired. Being nothing is definitely better than this. You’d really like being nothing instead, if that’s an option.

It isn't though, it would seem, and now you are a teenager again.

– turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 01:43 AM –
TG: dude
TG: have you heard from the mailman
TG: im in desperate need of some mailman action
TG: not to be confused with milkman action which is just like a cliche innuendo
TG: why the fuck is the milkman the one always getting laid
TG: like it cant JUST be because hes carrying milk right
TG: theres gotta be some other societal reason for the mass panic and hysteria that insecure american men experience as soon as a dude dressed in white carrying cow juice shows up on their doorstep
TG: like i just dont get it
TG: i mean if i was an american housewife who was ass deep in the stepford lifestyle i wouldnt spring for the fuckin milkman
TG: or the mailman either
TG: like id definitely be able to do better than that
TG: now that i think about it though i guess its like
TG: what other dude are you even gonna see
TG: like youre busy cleaning shit and sticking your head in the oven or whatever you dont have time to be on that eharmony grind
TG: and here i am lying in wait for the mailman to come and take me to the 7/11 because i dont feel like walking
TG: rose is right i gotta learn some empathy
TG: im a feminist now btw did i tell you that john
EB: i leave the computer for five minutes, and this is what i come back to.
TG: are you surprised
EB: a little!
EB: normally when i’m away for five minutes you at least make it to twenty messages.
EB: or at the very least you don’t manage to actually say what you were trying to.
TG: its late what do you want from me
EB: oh yeah, it’s past midnight over there, huh?
TG: your addition skills never cease to amaze egbert
EB: it was a rhetorical question, dipshit.
EB: anyway, no, i don’t know where the mail man is.
EB: mail person? i don’t think they’re actually a man.
TG: im pretty sure mailman is gender neutral
EB: it literally has man in it, dave.
TG: so does human but you dont see me calling people huwomen now do you
EB: you don’t say humen as a plural either!
TG: thats just because its too close to hymen
EB: what’s–
TG: i know you know what a hymen is john you cant pull this shit on me
EB: drat.
TG: you cant make me explain female anatomy to you three separate times
EB: it’s really funny, though!
EB: you’re not very good at biology, you know. you should probably study more if you’re going to be an archeologist.
TG: shut the fuck up + youre thinking of paleontologist + i dont really care about that anyway i just think dead shit is cool
TG: youve met aradia right she gets it
EB: i think so? there are a lot of trolls…
EB: i mostly just like talking to karkat.
TG: just karkat huh
EB: yes. definitely. only karkat. he is a good friend of mine.
TG: not any of the girls
EB: i don’t know what you’re talking about.
TG: dude i talk to terezi you cant pull this shit
TG: shes the leakiest faucet ive ever seen shes just spewing gossip left and right
TG: water bills gonna be crazy with all the hot goss im privy to
EB: what did she tell you???
TG: your deepest darkest secrets
TG: i know everything dude its over for you
EB: seriously? you have to be fucking with me.
TG: no dude im serious i know everything
EB: …
EB: i can’t believe she did that. she said she wouldn’t tell anyone!!
EB: i thought if anyone would, it would be vriska, but terezi?
EB: god. whatever.
EB: so, um.
EB: what do you think?
TG: think of what
EB: what terezi told you about me.
TG: she said a lot of things man idk
EB: that i’m a fucking girl, okay??
TG: uh
EB: god. i knew you were going to be a dick about this, but i really didn’t think it would be this bad.
EB: i don’t know if i can do this right now.
TG: no wait
EB: yes?
TG: um
TG: so like
TG: ok are we doing a bit right now
EB: what??
TG: ok cool so the answer is no actually
TG: im gonna be real with you i was pretty sure we were both in on an elaborate joke and im kinda having to like
TG: refactor in the past couple minutes of conversation
TG: so like can you give me a second
EB: sure, dave.
TG: cool
TG: actually i might need more than a second can you give me like
TG: five minutes
EB: i was going to go to bed.
TG: yeah i know but like genuinely its gonna be five minutes
TG: just
TG: brb
-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --

TG: ok
EB: that was six minutes, dave.
TG: cant you round down
TG: ok so
TG: when you say youre a girl do you mean you were always a girl
TG: cause girls lie about not being girls on the internet all the time i get it
TG: honestly its kind of a miracle that i was never that weird about rose or jade being girls people online are fuckin devious
TG: but like
TG: i mean ive seen you in person like a million times and i guess i could have just been making some assumptions but im just like
EB: i didn’t always know i was a girl.
TG: right
EB: but i was talking to vriska and terezi, and they helped me figure it out
TG: that youre a girl
EB: yeah. i mean, i thought i just wanted to be one? but, um, later i was talking to rose, and she said a lot of things about, like…
EB: well she just said a lot of things in general. i think she was really mad about some guy named boulevard or something. it kind of went over my head a little.
TG: sounds like rose
EB: but the important thing was that you can just be a girl if you want to?
EB: apparently a lot of people do it.
TG: so like a transvestite
EB: i guess?
EB: but like, maybe not in a sexy way.
TG: are transvestites sexy
EB: aren’t they supposed to be?
TG: a lot of people arent the things theyre supposed to be
EB: that’s what i’m saying, though!
EB: i’m supposed to be a boy, but i’m not. i hate doing it.
EB: for a while i thought i just didn’t like being young?
EB: like, when my dad called me a man, i was just upset because i was too young to really be one.
EB: but i’m fifteen now! which doesn’t make me a man, really, but the closer i get the more i want to throw up.
EB: being a girl just sounds easier.
TG: right but like
TG: theres tons of shit that would be easier that we cant do
TG: if i could fly i wouldnt need to bother with tracking down the damn mailman every time im trying to go somewhere but that doesnt mean i can just do it
EB: but flying is a real scientific thing!
EB: not when people do it, but like planes and stuff.
EB: being a girl is kind of just made up.
EB: at least, that’s what rose said.
TG: ok but like
EB: i really don’t want to argue about this with you.
EB: since i figured it out, i’ve been so much happier? even though i’ve had to avoid you because i knew you’d act just like this…
EB: can’t you be happy for me?
TG: i
TG: sure
TG: whatever
TG: it seems kind of unfair to me but thats my problem i guess
EB: unfair to who? women? that’s bullshit, dave
TG: not women i mean
TG: again i know women have it really hard ive been like
TG: paying attention to the shit rose says im a feminist i said that but its like
TG: fuckin
TG: ok
TG: dont take this the wrong way
TG: but like
TG: why do you get to be a girl and i dont
EB: um.
EB: do you want to be a girl, dave?
TG: i dont think that really matters
EB: if you want to be a girl that matters a lot!
EB: that’s, like, the whole thing the mail person was doing. we get to do whatever we want, dave. if you want to be a girl you get to do that. you don’t have to be a dick about it.
TG: i dont know
EB: well…
EB: ugh.
EB: i really shouldn’t be having this conversation.
EB: can you talk to rose about this? she beat some sense into me and i bet she could beat some into you too.
TG: oh yeah sure and get psychoanalyzed
TG: thats gonna help
EB: you have to talk to someone, dave.
EB: and i don’t think that can be me. you really hurt my feelings.
TG: man im sorry
EB: yeah, ok. good night, dave.
TG: wait
– ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –

The window closes, and the room grows dark.

You wish you could throw up, but you can’t. These memories aren’t yours. You don’t exist. Vomiting is a luxury afforded only to those who let themselves have bodies. You just have to live with the pit in your metaphorical stomach and the spinning of your metaphorical head. You can’t even muster any sort of concrete thoughts, any words or opinions on what is happening to you. Only sheer emotion and sensation remain.

You want to see more.

It feels terrible. Worse than anything you’ve ever felt. But it’s all there is. If you can’t watch, you don’t get to feel any of it. You know you can’t be these people, that you can’t have the things all of these other Daves have. The circumstances are different.

When you can see it, though, you can pretend for a little while. You get to be someone else, someone just close enough to “you” that the illusion sticks.

And so, despite the knowledge that it will only make you feel worse, you try to listen.

This memory smells like Jade. You lose yourself in it.

Jade lies stomach-down on her bed, feet kicking the air. You’re sitting on the ground next to her, leaning your elbow on the bed as you two listen to music blasting out of her amp. It’s her turn to pick the album (as it often is), and so you’re listening to some weird indie pop band from Louisiana you’ve never heard of. It’s alright– more importantly, it’s Jade’s music, which means you like it thanks to association alone. Sailor Moon plays muted with subtitles on the television– the brown haired girl is doing something cool, you guess–but neither of you are really paying attention. Jade found a whole box set of the show in John’s closet a few months ago, which prompted a conversation between the two of them about privacy (in addition to a great deal of laughter from you, though thinking about it now leaves a pit in your stomach for reasons you don’t really care to think closely about).

JADE: hey davesprite

Jade’s voice brings your train of thought to a halt. You try not to let it show.

DAVESPRITE: yo
JADE: if you had to be a sailor moon, which would you be

Jade was paying attention, apparently. At least, she was paying enough attention to ask a dumb hypothetical.

DAVESPRITE: pretty obviously the tuxedo guy
DAVESPRITE: the eye mask is kind of like the gay equivalent of sunglasses
JADE: davesprite.
DAVESPRITE: theres not anything wrong with that! im just stating a fact its kind of gay
DAVESPRITE: also like hes like the only dude and wears cool suits
DAVESPRITE: or i mean like one ok suit hes not really on the strider level of suit expertise but it was the 90s
DAVESPRITE: they didnt have access to our modern fashion technology
DAVESPRITE: shit was hard before alchemy entered the picture i have no clue how they managed it
JADE: thats kind of a boring answer

You look over at her.

DAVESPRITE: hey fuck you
DAVESPRITE: whats yours
DAVESPRITE: if its jupiter just because shes green im docking points
JADE: its not just because shes green!!
JADE: makoto is tall and kind of awkward…
JADE: and shes really cute
JADE: those are plenty of good reasons
DAVESPRITE: yeah ok
JADE: it is also because shes green hehe
JADE: but thats still better than just picking the only boy!!
JADE: i expected better from you
DAVESPRITE: damn alright
DAVESPRITE: venus then
JADE: just cause shes blonde? :P
DAVESPRITE: no cause shes on top of shit
DAVESPRITE: she sees something that needs to get done and she makes it happen
DAVESPRITE: thats what im about
DAVESPRITE: raw efficiency

Jade rolls her eyes, turning her attention back to the television. Shit. You’ve lost her. This happens a lot; often, you’ll say something wrong, even if you don’t quite know what it was or why it was wrong, and Jade ends up a bit disappointed. You managed two wrong answers in a row this time, and so the conversation is on life support. Time to break out the tried and true emergency tactic.

DAVESPRITE: and shes pretty cute i guess

Her ears perk up. You don’t really get it at all, but being honest about these particular kinds of feelings always gets her attention.

JADE: hehehe
JADE: should i be jealous?

You look away, feathers ruffled.

DAVESPRITE: its not like that
DAVESPRITE: you know my hearts all for you baby
JADE: uh huh.
DAVESPRITE: im serious though its not like im attracted to a cartoon character
DAVESPRITE: im not the barenaked ladies
DAVESPRITE: its just like
DAVESPRITE: idk its pretty cool that shes that cute and a total badass you know
DAVESPRITE: all of the sailor moons are kinda like that but shes like especially sicknasty
DAVESPRITE: but like even when shes kicking the monster of the week to the curb she stays cute
DAVESPRITE: she stays slaying while shes slaying if you catch my drift

Jade taps her fingers on the bed. It’s one of her many tics– one of your favorites, up there with fidgeting with a plushie or playing with your wings. Usually this one means she’s thinking.

JADE: you could be cute like that too you know

You cough out a laugh.

JADE: im serious!
JADE: weve got the tapes after all we could definitely get some sailor outfits out of the machine in no time
DAVESPRITE: yeah but like
DAVESPRITE: im not

She stares at you expectantly, but you can’t manage to say anything. At least, not anything that wouldn’t upset her. So you close your mouth again, and she rolls her eyes.

JADE: it was just a suggestion!
JADE: its just…
JADE: as a little girl i always wished i could dress up with people
JADE: or do another girls makeup, or make someone else some clothes…
JADE: it was really lonely
JADE: and i know youre not a girl but i dont really see why it matters all that much? even if you really think it does
JADE: you really dont have to do anything though, im sorry for making you uncomfortable

You turn your head back towards her, and oh, Jesus Christ, she’s got the sad puppy dog eyes on. They’re not looking at you directly, thank god, but even indirect exposure is enough to fill you with guilt.

DAVESPRITE: i could do makeup i guess
JADE: really!?

You’re already regretting it, but you nod.

DAVESPRITE: yeah i mean dudes wear makeup all the time
DAVESPRITE: id just be like gerard way or whatever

There’s a green flash, and suddenly an entire case full of makeup falls on the bed, shaking it slightly. Jade teleports you up next to it, opening the case eagerly.

DAVESPRITE: oh so you meant like right now
JADE: yeah why not? its not like were doing anything else today
DAVESPRITE: cool no yeah uh
DAVESPRITE: were doin this
JADE: were making it happen >:)

You chuckle nervously as Jade pulls various instruments and vials out of the box, rifling through it until she pulls out a bunch of powder.

JADE: ok, lets start with the foundation
JADE: luckily i prepared some for your skin tone earlier
JADE: alchemizing orange foundation felt a little silly…
JADE: but it turned out to be the right call!
JADE: what a coincidence!
DAVESPRITE: you are an evil woman jade harley
JADE: you love it

Jade plucks your sunglasses from your face and places them by your side, then moves in to cover your face in powder. You do your best not to react.

JADE: i dont even know if foundations really necessary when youre a glowing sprite…
JADE: this is just how ive always done it
DAVESPRITE: you covered your face in cheeto dust
JADE: no! hold still!

You roll your eyes and close your mouth as Jade finishes applying the foundation. She returns her attention to the case.

JADE: ok, eyeshadow time
JADE: im probably going to have to put a lot on to block out the glow…
JADE: and dark colors will probably work best too
JADE: youre gonna look a little goth, hehe
DAVESPRITE: as long as you never tell rose i dont care
JADE: your secrets are safe with me!

She pulls out a pencil– that’s eyeshadow, you guess–and brings it to your face. Your eye twitches.

JADE: im serious davesprite you need to hold still
JADE: for a boy as inexpressive as you you sure do flinch a lot!
DAVESPRITE: i–
JADE: DONT say anything!! jeez you really dont listen

You shut your mouth and hold very still as Jade applies the eyeshadow, then the eyeliner. Jade snarls a little at each involuntary movement, but your lack of complaining earns enough of her favor to spare you the fate of further admonishment.

JADE: mascara time…
JADE: youve already got really pretty eyelashes so this is going to bring them out big time
DAVESPRITE: thanks i guess
JADE: youre very welcome

She leans back in, and you do your best not to blink (except when she tells you.)

JADE: god the lighting in here is terrible
JADE: everythings bright yellow, youd think itd be easy to see!
JADE: or maybe not, with the contrast…
JADE: its a little cliche, but could you lie down?
DAVESPRITE: oh god
DAVESPRITE: is this the part when you bring out the knife
JADE: you are such a baby!! i just want to get a better view
JADE: come on. i dont want to hear you complain if i mess something up
DAVESPRITE: fine

You lay down and Jade hops on top of your stomach, straddling you.

DAVESPRITE: oof

Jade readies her weapon and leans in, delicately coating your eyelashes in mascara. The intimacy of it is enough to freeze you completely, brain stuck halfway between panic and a complex tangle of emotions you absolutely categorically refuse to approach with a ten foot pole.

JADE: ok, time for the lips!
JADE: i think black would be a good lipstick choice
JADE: any input from the peanut gallery?
DAVESPRITE: arent you allergic to peanuts
JADE: good point! black it is

She pulls out another black pencil.

DAVESPRITE: ok i might be stupid but i know thats not lipstick
DAVESPRITE: youre fucking with me now
DAVESPRITE: youre pulling an egbert-tier prank
DAVESPRITE: im gonna look at the mirror after this and im going to look like a clown and youre gonna parade me around the ship and laugh
JADE: im not fucking with you! its lip liner, you put it on so your lipstick doesnt look messy
JADE: youre not going to look like a clown. in fact i think youre going to look like quite a pretty lady!
DAVESPRITE: not funny
JADE: hehe sorry

She lines your lips carefully, then pulls out the lipstick tube, coating your lips in a deep shade of black. Eventually, she leans back, looking at you as though she’s evaluating a work of art.

JADE: hm…
JADE: you know i was going to go for a bit of bronzer but i think you look pretty good without it!!
JADE: bronzer on orange probably wouldnt look like much anyway…
JADE: here why dont you take a look

She slides off your stomach, pulls you upright, and then retrieves a pocket mirror from her sylladex, holding it up to your face.

JADE: what do you think?

You look at the mirror for a while.

JADE: pretty good right?
JADE: its my first time doing this… im pretty happy with the results
JADE: and by the looks of it you are too!!

You turn away from the mirror, but your eyes remain anchored to the mirror.

JADE: oh jeez i got some lipstick on your teeth huh

Right, you were smiling. You lick the black smudge off your tooth, then close your mouth.

DAVESPRITE: its cool
DAVESPRITE: whats a bit of poison after all that torture
JADE: right, torture
JADE: i suppose you dont want me to do it again then?
JADE: if its that agonizing for you
DAVESPRITE: nah
DAVESPRITE: for you babe i can put up with it

Jade just rolls her eyes and leans in to kiss you. You close your eyes.

The distance never closes. She’s gone. Or, more accurately, you are.

It’s not fair. It isn’t fucking fair.

Nobody ever extended you that courtesy. You never got to have “formative experiences.” You were scared and alone in the house of a madman, then you were scared and slightly less alone with your sister and a few aliens, and then you were scared and also there was Karkat. Nobody understood how scared you were. Most of the time, anyway. And when they did…

Well. It’s your own fault, isn’t it. Wallowing like this. Beating yourself up because there’s nobody around who will do it for you. Deciding to be nothing instead of something.

It’s easier, right? So you shouldn’t complain. Take what you can get. At least here you can’t self-sabotage yourself in a way that matters. At least here there’s not anyone who will tear out your thoughts and throw them back to you in a voice that’s only half your own. At least here nobody except yourself can hurt you.

At least here you can hurt yourself as much as you like.

Glimmering crystals begin to flicker around you, one by one. They look like shards of glass, or knives in the dark, reflecting some unseen light right at you. You focus your vision on one– it’s too far to see, but there’s definitely an image there.

One of them rushes by you, narrowly missing you as it flies past. You don’t manage to see what’s inside. Just red, blue, and green.

Another flies by, grazing you. You don’t see anything this time either, but you know– that was you in there, doing something with… Kanaya? You can feel where it cut into you. It stings.

One lodges itself in your arm. You try to cry out, but instead you’re overcome by the memory: Karkat playing with your hair. It’s long, and soft. Your skin is softer too. He says something, but you can’t make it out, because there’s another shard in your thigh. It’s Rose’s voice, talking to someone else while you’re present. She calls you her sister.

You move to yank the shard out of you–there’s enough of “you” to do that now, even if you can’t see it–but it’s stuck too tight, fused with your skin. The one in your thigh is the same.

Another, now. In your lower back. You’re at the pharmacy, picking up a prescription. You grit your teeth when you say the name “Dave Strider.”

Another. Just below your collarbone. Jade is naked and her hands are around your throat. A whine escapes your lips.

A big one cuts open your stomach. It’s June, this time. Cradling your body in her arms. She buries her face in your breasts and smiles.

One bursts apart in your neck. You choke on the sound of Rose and Kanaya’s wedding vows. You’re in a dress, stood several feet to their right.

Three hit you. You’re not sure where. Karkat’s voice. Roxy’s. One that must be yours, but softer, more deliberate. Needles. Pills. Sometimes an absence of both. People you don’t recognize looking at you in ways you couldn’t imagine. The touch of a hundred bodies almost your own, but not quite. Better. Pleasant, even. As you bleed out, you almost believe that you could have this.

It could be yours, right? Some of this is impossible, but not all of it. Not most of it, even. You could do it, right? If only you weren’t dying, you could have tried it. There was so much, right there, and you missed it.

It wouldn’t have been hard. At least, it wouldn’t have been harder than this.

If only it weren’t too late.

If only you weren’t a dead man walking.

Next time, maybe.

ROXY: dave?

You jolt awake, scrambling upright. The motion of it makes you dizzy, and the bright light of the early afternoon sure doesn’t fucking help.

ROXY: r u ok??

You squint, looking at the ground and feeling around for your sunglasses. You find them and put them on. The weight feels strange on your nose.

ROXY: jesus dave did u get drunk
ROXY: i know im not rly in a place to talk but getting drunk is p much the worst choice u could have made given ur current circumstances
DAVE: can you stop calling me that
ROXY: uh

Roxy blinks. Having finally come to your senses, you realize that she’s kneeling right beside you. She’s wearing a pink hoodie and black leggings. It’s cute.

ROXY: liek yea i defo can but um
ROXY: is there likeeeee
ROXY: somethin else i should call u?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: um
⠀⠀⠀⠀: get back to me on that
ROXY: cool

Roxy stands up, stretching a little.

ROXY: r we cool enuf 4 me to ask any follow up questions or r u gonna get pissed again
⠀⠀⠀⠀: can i get back to you on that also
⠀⠀⠀⠀: like some other time
ROXY: by that do u mean ull actually talk 2 me abt it at some point or do u mean that ur never gonna bring it up again and ur gonna get really weird if i try to
⠀⠀⠀⠀: ideally the first thing
ROXY: thats a better answer than i expected!
ROXY: do u want help getting up

You look down at yourself. Your hoodie and jeans are covered in dirt (and a little bit of drool). You nod, and she extends out a hand, smiling nervously. When you grab it, she pulls you upwards, floating a bit off the ground for extra lift as she does.

ROXY: so um

Before she can get out another word, you tackle her in a hug, nearly knocking her and you back to the ground. She squeezes you back after a moment, eventually prying you off of her. You look away.

ROXY: wow
ROXY: r u sure u dont wanna talk about anything? cuz that was uh
ROXY: im pretty sure i can count the number of times youve hugged me instead of the other way around on 1 hand
ROXY: and if were not counting today i could prolly count it on zero
⠀⠀⠀⠀: later
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i promise
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i just need to think

Roxy sighs, and then nods.

ROXY: noah fence but maybe u should shower while ur at it
ROXY: cuz uh i mean–
⠀⠀⠀⠀: yeah ok i get it
⠀⠀⠀⠀: talk to you later roxy
ROXY: yea
ROXY: love u
⠀⠀⠀⠀: love you too

You take off into the sky. Roxy watches, then flies off elsewhere.

Chapter 9

– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:11 AM –

TG: yo ik ur prolly still snoozin but
TG: u were askin 4 updates on the strider couch sleeping sitch n so here i am 2 provide

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! --

TG: yea dog i kno that
TG: why tf r we still usin this ass program
TG: like theyve got irc clients on phones now like we can still be oldheads with software that doesnt completely blow chunx
TG: that 1 was p gross sry
TG: anyway
TG: things r…
TG: well i mean the situation is um
TG: ughhh this sux so bad
TG: ok. u kno what
TG: im goin 2 b a terrible friend here and actually tell u whats goin on even tho its defo max private beeswax
TG: mostly bc shes gonna have to tell u anyways and tbqh u mite already kno?
TG: ur seer bullshit idk why u even need me to “keep tabs on the situation” ur entire thing is bein able to keep tabs on whatever tf u want from the comfort of ur own bed
TG: but yea uh
TG: “she” is the pronoun in question here
TG: she wont tell me exactly what happened 2 make that shit happen but shes a girl now
TG: thank god amirite
TG: she hasnt given me a name which is fair we cant all have one at the ready
TG: i s2g it better not be like
TG: ruth or ruby or some shit
TG: sometimes ill be writing out jake and my phone will autocorrect it to jane
TG: and ill write out jane and of course it autocorrects to june
TG: sry u kno im bad at staying on track
TG: the point is that shes like
TG: shes definitely doing better
TG: except im p sure shes not doin better at all?
TG: or better in sum ways and worse in others
TG: ugh idk u would kno better than me
TG: shes actually SMILING sometimes now and shes talkin 2 me more than she has in months and also shes been showering every day so u kno count ur blessings n all that but
TG: sometimes she seems a bit 2 excited
TG: or like
TG: excited 4 the wrong things
TG: idfk its been ages since i went thru the whole gender rigamarole
TG: and clearly theres a whole lotta other shit baked in there
TG: so maybe im just worried 4 no reason
TG: i really hope u can talk 2 her soon
TG: itd be nice to get someone elses opinion
TG: callie says she thinks shes fine but callies also like
TG: kiinda the absolute worst at this
TG: luv her 2 death but the girl wouldnt know manic depression if it looked her in the eyes
TG: sometimes it does lmao
TG: but um yeah
TG: she said she had shit 2 do today, didnt say what it was
TG: im just glad shes getting some sunlight
TG: dont got much else 2 say
TG: hope ur doin ok
TG: been a while since we hung out
TG: love u ttyl

– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –

It’s a bright and sunny day outside. A little too bright and sunny, even. If you turn your head the wrong direction, the sun will creep in through the space between your glasses and your face, and so you walk down the sidewalk with your head tilted awkwardly. The hot weather doesn’t help with the unpleasantness; at some point in the past few weeks, it became early June. You’d be able to handle it a lot better were it not for your recently acquired anxiety around being perceived. Well, “recently acquired.” It might be more accurate to say that you’ve recently understood it, and understanding it makes the feeling several times stronger.

You should probably talk to Roxy about starting estrogen. Maybe after six months of it you’d be in a place where you can wear just a T-shirt and jeans without hating yourself. It’d be winter then, but still. Wouldn’t that be nice. You could probably wear something else, also. A skirt, maybe? The thought of making any serious changes to your wardrobe kind of makes you want to throw up, but it might help with the whole “being a walking convection oven thing.” Skirts seem like they have good ventilation. Maybe too good, if Marilyn Monroe is any indication.

The point is that it’s hot and you wish either that it was less hot or that you hated yourself less. What comes next would be a hell of a lot easier if either of those things were true.

You knock on your front door. Assuming it counts as yours, still. You haven’t been here in a few weeks, and you wouldn’t exactly call your present relationship with Karkat “stable”. You could certainly call it a lot of other things, though. Not very many of them are good. Or even neutral, really. A few, though. He’s still cute, despite everything, and–

KARKAT: DAVE?

You very definitely do not flinch or make any sort of facial expression at the sound of Karkat’s voice saying your name. Or, well, not your name. If it makes you want to punch something every time you hear it, it probably shouldn’t be your name.

KARKAT: ARE YOU OKAY?

Right. Okay, yeah. You can do this.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: sup
KARKAT: …HEY.

Karkat narrows his eyes at you, peering through the cracked door.

KARKAT: I. UH.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: do you want to go to a planetarium
KARKAT: WHAT?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: oh its like an earth thing
⠀⠀⠀⠀: sorta thing you do when youre not an intergalactic empire with free access to whichever stars you want i guess
⠀⠀⠀⠀: its a big dark room in a dome that they make look like the night sky so that you dont actually have to go out and look yourself
KARKAT: I KNOW WHAT A PLANETARIUM IS, ASSHOLE. I READ WIKIPEDIA.
KARKAT: I’M JUST…
KARKAT: HOW FAR IS IT?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: idk like a twenty minute walk
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i could fly you if you wanted its nbd
KARKAT: NO, IT’S FINE. WAIT HERE, I’LL JUST BE A SECOND.

He closes the door, leaving you out in the heat. You lean against the wall of the house, taking the shade that you can get. In times like these, you can’t help but wonder why you decided to get a house without a porch. The Cantonian style of construction (yes, that’s actually what they call building cylinder houses, it’s hilarious) seemed amusing when you were a teenager, but living in a big tin can has a considerable number of disadvantages. You probably wouldn’t have used a porch anyway, though.

Karkat opens the door, sunhat equipped. He groans as he steps out into the light.

KARKAT: UGH. I FEEL LIKE MY ABDOMINAL SAUSAGES ARE BEING SKEWERED AND ROASTED.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: skewered AND roasted
⠀⠀⠀⠀: wheres the skewering coming from
KARKAT: THAT PART’S NORMAL. AT LEAST ONE OF MY ORGANS FEELS LIKE IT’S BEING STABBED AT ALL TIMES.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: man you gotta see a doctor at some point
KARKAT: WHAT I ACTUALLY NEED IS TO GET OUT OF THE FUCKING SUN. HOW DO YOU PUT UP WITH THIS?

You walk off in the direction of the planetarium. Karkat follows two steps behind.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: idk man its a mystery
⠀⠀⠀⠀: its a miracle our species even survived
⠀⠀⠀⠀: going out into the sun wearing black sweaters and cargo pants was the number one killer in the early holocene
⠀⠀⠀⠀: nobody could even hold their woven baskets or simple tools cause of all the sweat made their hands too slippery
⠀⠀⠀⠀: thats why we all lived along rivers it was the only way to fight off dehydration from all the lost fluids
⠀⠀⠀⠀: thats why its called a sweater actually cause it turns you into one
⠀⠀⠀⠀: a sweater i mean. like someone who sweats you get it
KARKAT: I DON’T NEED TO TAKE THIS SHIT FROM YOU. WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU WENT OUT WITHOUT A HOODIE?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: no comment
KARKAT: THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF. YOU’RE JUST AS BAD AS ME.

You don’t say anything in response. Karkat opens his mouth to say something once or twice, but thinks better of it, and so the two of you walk down the street in silence.

Karkat’s hand tugs at your left sleeve right before you cross a crosswalk.

KARKAT: IT’S THIS WAY.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: how do you know
KARKAT: I LOOKED IT UP BEFOREHAND. YOU’RE A SHIT NAVIGATOR.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: rude as fuck

Now you’re following him, a step behind and to his left. If you trail too far behind he tends to yell at you for being too quiet.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: theres multiple ways to arrive at a destination dude
⠀⠀⠀⠀: maybe im just hyped up on the spice of life
⠀⠀⠀⠀: ever thought about taking the scenic route for once
KARKAT: NO, AND NEITHER HAVE YOU.
KARKAT: LOOK AT THAT! THE BUILDING’S RIGHT HERE. I’VE SUCCESSFULLY MINIMIZED THE AMOUNT OF TIME WE HAVE TO SPEND OUTSIDE OF AIR CONDITIONING’S COMFORTING EMBRACE.
KARKAT: YOU’RE WELCOME.

Sure enough, there it is. It’s actually a pretty small building by planetarium standards, only about three stories tall. Beggars can’t be choosers, though, and it’s as good a venue as any for an impromptu date-type social gathering. Plus, it’s as Karkat says: the most important thing is that it’s air conditioned. Presumably.

Karkat walks through the front door, holding it open for you behind him without looking. Inside there are several chairs and a small desk. An extremely bored-looking teenager stands before a computer at the desk, nose-deep in their phone. Nobody else is present.

You walk up to the teen and ask about the 12:30 showing. Without looking away from her phone, she grunts and nods towards an open set of double doors. Through them is the planetarium itself. You shrug and walk through, and Karkat follows you.

KARKAT: WHAT EXACTLY IS THE POINT OF THIS, ANYWAY?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: the planetarium
KARKAT: YEAH. LIKE, I GET ON OLD EARTH YOU DIDN’T HAVE ANY BETTER OPTIONS. I SYMPATHIZE.
KARKAT: BUT EARTH C HAS HOLOGRAMS. AND THE CAPACITY FOR ACTUAL CHEAP SPACE TRAVEL, ALSO?
KARKAT: IT’S JUST ARCHAIC FOR NO GOOD REASON. NOSTALGIA FOR NOTHING.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i guess thats one way to look at it

The two of you sit down near the back wall. The chairs are kind of uncomfortable, and Karkat fidgets and readjusts for a good while.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: but i dont think thats everything
⠀⠀⠀⠀: you know the camera obscura
KARKAT: WHAT?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: you dont huh
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i thought you were a wikipedia warrior
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW LITERALLY EVERY ARTICLE ON WIKIPEDIA. DO YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT ME TO HAVE AN ENCYCLOPEDIC KNOWLEDGE OF ALL THINGS?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: just sayin if you cant take the wikiheat get out of the wikifire
⠀⠀⠀⠀: anyway
⠀⠀⠀⠀: basically like two thousand years ago in china (thats an earth country btw) they figured out that if you let a tiny amount of light through a small hole it reflects an image through it
⠀⠀⠀⠀: like a really shitty projector
⠀⠀⠀⠀: this was like thousands of years before anyone would figure out electricity so people probably thought it was witchcraft or whatever
⠀⠀⠀⠀: but like ok when i was a kid i snuck into a science museum and they had one
⠀⠀⠀⠀: shit uh a science museum is–

Karkat sighs, exasperation leaking out of every pore. Along with the sweat. Now that you’ve acclimatized, it’s become pretty clear that this place is only technically “air-conditioned.”

KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD. I KNOW.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: well ok you didnt know what a camera obscura was so i wanted to be sure
KARKAT: IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT SOMETHING IS I WILL ASK, HOLY SHIT. THAT’S A BASIC COMPONENT OF SOCIAL INTERACTION. I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVE TO KEEP EXPLAINING THIS TO YOU.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: right
⠀⠀⠀⠀: my bad
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, ANYWAY.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: yeah so my point is that even though i spent my entire life looking through a computer screen like
⠀⠀⠀⠀: this thousand year old light trick still seemed cool as fuck
⠀⠀⠀⠀: even though humans figured out how to do a way better version of that shit like way before i was born
⠀⠀⠀⠀: idk
⠀⠀⠀⠀: this shit has value is what im saying
⠀⠀⠀⠀: theres multiple ways to depict something and theyre all cool in their own ways
⠀⠀⠀⠀: even if theyre kind of stupid and old
⠀⠀⠀⠀: or kind of confusing
KARKAT: IS THIS ABOUT DAVEPETA’S MOVIE AGAIN.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: uhhh
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i mean i guess
⠀⠀⠀⠀: to be honest im kind of trying not to think about them right now
KARKAT: OH, DID YOU FINALLY GET SICK OF THEM? BIG FUCKING SURPRISE. I KNEW THEY WERE OBNOXIOUS FROM THE SECOND I LAID EYES ON THEM, BUT I GUESS BRIGHT FLASHING LIGHTS ONLY WORK AS A WARNING IF YOUR BONEDOME ISN’T HALF A MILE UP YOUR OWN ASSHOLE.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: ok first of all i didnt get sick of them they got sick of me
⠀⠀⠀⠀: so owned
⠀⠀⠀⠀: second of all do we have to get into another argument about this right this fucking second

As if on cue, the employee from earlier coughs, then hits a button in the center of the room. At some point, she’d walked past to turn on the projector, connecting it to a beat up laptop on the table next to it. The night sky is projected above the both of you, alongside some credits. She then walks past the two of you, side eyeing you both, and closes the door. The two of you are alone as the show starts.

It quickly becomes clear that the sound is turned down way too low-- you can barely hear the song playing from the laptop's speakers. Planets of the old Earth solar system whir by in silence, their models rendered with all of the technological skill and talent of the year 2008. You think again of the science museum. You were pretty young at the time–maybe ten or so–but you knew by that point that you were probably a bit too old to be doing this sort of thing. At least, your bro certainly would have thought so. Still, you slipped in alongside a field trip that was visiting that day.

It was fun. Definitely worth the treatment you got upon returning home late.

KARKAT: (WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY GOT SICK OF YOU?)

Karkat whispers. He’s bad at it, and there’s also nothing to whisper over, but he does it anyway.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: man i just said im trying not to think about it
KARKAT: RIGHT, OF COURSE.
KARKAT: SORRY FOR SHOWING CONCERN. I KNOW YOU HATE IT WHEN ANYONE GIVES EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF A SHIT ABOUT YOU.

He stops whispering. Didn’t take long.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: karkat
⠀⠀⠀⠀: please
KARKAT: PLEASE WHAT?
KARKAT: PLEASE STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS?
KARKAT: PLEASE STOP ASKING QUESTIONS?
KARKAT: YOU WERE GONE FOR WEEKS. I CAN’T JUST REPRESS SHIT THE WAY YOU DO, DAVE. I SPENT EVERY ONE OF THOSE TWENTY-TWO DAYS AGONIZING OVER WHERE YOU MIGHT BE.
KARKAT: I SENT OUT SOME REALLY DESPERATE MESSAGES. I WAS GENUINELY ABOUT TO CALL A FUCKING SEARCH PARTY WHEN JADE TOLD ME YOU WERE LIVING IN THE GODDAMN RAFTERS OF THE SET.

Come the fuck on, Jade.

KARKAT: AND THEN OF COURSE YOU WENT TO A PARTY. NO UPDATES FOR KARKAT VANTAS, HE’S NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO HEAR ABOUT ANY OF THIS DIRECTLY. NO, HE ONLY GETS TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON ONCE IT MAKES IT TO THE GROUP CHAT.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: theres a group chat
KARKAT: OF COURSE THERE’S A FUCKING GROUP CHAT! EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF, DAVE!
⠀⠀⠀⠀: im not going to kill myself dude
KARKAT: WELL THAT’S GREAT TO HEAR. I TOTALLY TRUST YOU!
⠀⠀⠀⠀: man i like
⠀⠀⠀⠀: im trying to do better ok
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT THIS IS? DOING BETTER?
KARKAT: TO BE HONEST I PREFERRED IT BACK WHEN YOU WERE GONE!
KARKAT: AT LEAST WHEN YOU’RE NOT HERE I DON’T HAVE TO PRETEND THAT NOTHING’S WRONG!
⠀⠀⠀⠀: do you really think that

Karkat sighs, and puts his hand on yours on the armrest between your chairs.

KARKAT: I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME.

You look up at the screen. It’s not old Earth’s solar system anymore– it’s the planets of your session. You swallow.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: well
⠀⠀⠀⠀: ok
⠀⠀⠀⠀: do you want the good news or the bad news first
KARKAT: THE BAD NEWS.
KARKAT: WAIT, THERE’S GOOD NEWS?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: from a certain perspective
⠀⠀⠀⠀: and honestly the good news and bad news are pretty much connected so like
⠀⠀⠀⠀: you know what ill just do both at the same time
⠀⠀⠀⠀: im a girl and also i think we should break up

Karkat freezes. He doesn’t even move his hand from yours, but it curls halfway into a fist. You pull both of your own into your lap.

He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. Your jaw is clenched.

KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i think so
KARKAT: YOU THINK SO??
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT EVEN SURE WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS AND YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME OVER AN “I THINK SO?”
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i mean its more complicated than that
KARKAT: FINE. EXPLAIN IT TO ME, THEN.

Now it’s your turn to be silent. Karkat stares at you, arms crossed, eyes watering.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: were like
⠀⠀⠀⠀: bad for each other dude
⠀⠀⠀⠀: we spent the past ten years of our lives talking about and doing jack shit
⠀⠀⠀⠀: it was fine on the meteor but we were kids then
⠀⠀⠀⠀: we were thirteen and we behaved the exact same way we do now except with like 50 percent less homophobia
⠀⠀⠀⠀: like come on man you called yourself a retard the other day

It was over a month ago, you realize, but that’s beside the point.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: you said it yourself we never actually did anything at all
⠀⠀⠀⠀: we were just manchildren locking ourselves up in a sweaty apartment
⠀⠀⠀⠀: im just trying to grow as a person for once in my life
KARKAT: AND THAT MEANS ABANDONING ME?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: jesus dude we can still be friends
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i want you in my life still
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i just need to figure myself out for a little bit

Karkat stands up. Skaia’s light–or a poor render thereof– paints him in light blue and white.

KARKAT: OH, SO FUCKING OFF AND STALKING YOUR HALF-NEPETA CLONE AND JADE DOESN’T QUALIFY AS FIGURING YOURSELF OUT?
KARKAT: I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT WAS WHAT THAT WAS. SORRY!
KARKAT: IS FIGURING OUT YOU’RE TRANS SEPARATE FROM “FIGURING YOURSELF OUT?” WAS THAT A THING YOU HAD TO DO WITHOUT TEXTING YOUR BOYFRIEND?
⠀⠀⠀⠀: dude all of that was basically the exact opposite of self discovery
⠀⠀⠀⠀: im not proud of that shit ok? there were some things about myself that i didnt know how to cope with and im trying to do better
KARKAT: AND DOING BETTER MEANS BREAKING UP WITH ME. RIGHT.

You sigh, sinking back in your chair a little.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: were going in circles
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i dont have to justify myself to you
KARKAT: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: im fucking serious
⠀⠀⠀⠀: ive figured out what was wrong with me and im taking action
⠀⠀⠀⠀: isnt this what you wanted
KARKAT: I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS.

Karkat begins stumbling through the dark towards the doors in the back up the planetarium. He trips on a step, then hits his head on one of the armrests of the chairs on the way to the ground. You rush towards him.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: oh fuck dude are you ok
KARKAT: FUCK OFF. DON’T TOUCH ME.
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: you hit your head dude
KARKAT: WE BOTH KNOW YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: i very obviously do you might have a concussion
KARKAT: NOT ABOUT MY HEAD, MORON. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME.
KARKAT: YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY, I THINK. I TOLD MYSELF THAT YOU WERE DISTANT BECAUSE YOU WERE REPRESSED.
KARKAT: I KEPT TELLING MYSELF THAT YOU HAD AN EXTREMELY TRAUMATIC UPBRINGING. YOUR CULTURE ENCOURAGED YOU NOT TO SHARE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, TO HIDE YOURSELF.
KARKAT: EVERY TIME YOU DODGED A QUESTION OR SAID SOME INCONSIDERATE BULLSHIT I KEPT TELLING MYSELF THAT, OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
KARKAT: I DIDN’T WANT TO IMPOSE.
KARKAT: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

Karkat picks himself up and dusts himself off.

KARKAT: I DEALT WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH AND MORE.
KARKAT: I WAS THE VICTIM OF A GENOCIDE, AND YET I’M TAKING YOUR CHILDHOOD INTO ACCOUNT FOR MY MENTAL GYMNASTICS AND NOT MY OWN!
KARKAT: IT’S COMPLETELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS!
KARKAT: I’M NOT DOING HALF THE SHIT YOU’RE DOING TO YOURSELF, OR TO ME. I COMMUNICATE MY NEEDS AND WANTS OPENLY.
KARKAT: IT’S YOU THAT’S THE PROBLEM.

He looks back at you. There’s a bruise growing on his forehead, but the tears have stopped.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK THIS IS FOR THE BEST.
⠀⠀⠀⠀: uh
KARKAT: GENUINELY.
KARKAT: I HOPE YOU MANAGE TO FIGURE YOURSELF OUT, DAVE.

You sigh.

⠀⠀⠀⠀: liz
LIZ: its liz
KARKAT: IT SUITS YOU.
KARKAT: GOODBYE, LIZ.

Karkat opens the doors, walks through, and lets them slam shut behind him.

– gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 1:14 PM –

GG: hey june!!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] is an idle chum! --

GG: i know youre there june. you cant pull this trick on me
GG: my doggy senses reveal all >:)
EB: ugh.
EB: jade, it’s so early.
GG: it so incredibly is not june
GG: its afternoon
EB: one o clock barely counts as after noon.
GG: its literally more than an hour AFTER NOON
GG: its in the word!! one twenty fourth of the entire day has passed since noon happened
EB: one twenty fourth isn’t that much, though. a glass that’s only one twenty fourth full is basically empty.
EB: you’ve got to look at these things from a philosophical angle, jade.
GG: youre spending too much time around rose
EB: you know, everyone keeps saying that to me. it must be because you’re all jealous.
GG: you and i both know i could snag rose in a heartbeat if i wanted
GG: either one of em. maybe both at the same time!
EB: gross.
GG: i dont want to hear it!!
GG: youve made out with both of them in front of me before. that gives me the right to make any jokes i want about it
GG: its just me coping with my own discomfort june
GG: kind of problematic of you to attack me for my coping mechanisms :/
EB: oh my god. what do you want.
GG: hehe sorry
GG: i was just going to ask if youd heard from dave recently
EB: how recently? i saw him at the party last week…
GG: i guess by recently i meant today
GG: ive heard rumors through the grapevine that he might be headed your way pretty soon?
EB: well, ok. that’s pretty normal.
GG: yeahhh, i dont know. it MIGHT not be a big deal but you know how hes been lately
EB: um. i guess?
GG: june hes been super depressed
EB: well, yeah, but isn’t he always like that?
GG: hes definitely been more depressed than normal
GG: like way more
GG: its not really my place to get into it but hes been assuredly unwell
EB: well, if you’re assured.
GG: sigh
GG: i was just talking to roxy and she seemed worried?
GG: but like a different kind of worried from how shes been about him
GG: its hard to tell with her! i usually think im pretty good at reading people but all i got was that she was keeping something from me
GG: its too bad that i cant smell lies over the phone
EB: can you smell lies at all? that sounds fake.
GG: its true! lies smell like cardamom and sewer water. its like a fear response
EB: now i know you’re making things up. jasprose just said she can smell lies with her kitty nose, and she says they smell like battery acid.
GG: shes probably just smelling herself
EB: hey! be nice to my girl friend.
GG: fiiiine she smells like beautiful flowers or something
GG: sorry im kind of busy right now, i cant manage my normal levels of sibling banter :/
GG: can you just promise to keep me posted on the dave situation?
EB: of course! i really don’t think it’s a big deal, but if it makes you feel better i can let you know whatever you’d like.
GG: thanks so much june…
GG: be gentle with him ok?
GG: he and i had a bit of a fight a little while ago but im still really nervous for him
EB: jade, i’m literally the nicest girl in the world. he’ll be fine.
GG: hehe yeah :)
GG: ttyl june! stay in touch
EB: bye jade!

– gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] –

Notes:

sorry for the long wait on this one! i got very ill for a week, then went on vacation... it's been a tumultuous month or so. this next month will probably be on the busier side too, but i'm really hoping to get the rest of this done in the next couple of weeks. (4/13 was the plan originally; i might still hit it, but it's not a sure thing.)

anyway. i hope you enjoyed! as always, you can follow me on tumblr if you so choose.

Chapter 10

– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 1:30 PM –

TG: hey karkat
TG: ik weve got a group chat 4 all this and u said u didnt want 2 b bothered
TG: but i figured i should check in just in case yk?

– carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked tipsyGnostalgic [TG] –

TG: well shit

– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 1:32 PM –

TG: jaaaade
TG: any upd8s
GG: oh hi roxy… none yet im afraid
GG: june said she hadnt seen dave yet, but shes offline now
GG: so maybe theyre talking right now?
TG: mhm mhm
TG: makes sense
TG: r u followin the karkat sitch as well
GG: oh jeez what did he do this time
GG: dave i mean. karkats been very strong this whole time i dont know how he does it
TG: yeah well
TG: this may b crazy wild spekie (thats what im callin speculation) but uh
TG: there mite b breakuppage happening
GG: come the fuck on, dave!!!
GG: whats his problem!!
TG: yeah idk he was just talkin about how that relationship was rly toxic or whatev
TG: he also said hed be goin on a d8 2day which seems max contradictory but what do i kno
TG: but yea idk if that relationship is actually as bad as she claims but she certainly THINKS its that bad which i guess is all u need
TG: *he whoops typo
GG: it just seems like a really bad time to do that!! oh my god
GG: ughhhh
GG: he can be so self destructive
GG: hopefully he doesnt fuck things up permanently… id be so sad if they broke up
GG: what did vivi say to him!! they havent said a word to me about the party since it happened
GG: i think he hurt them really bad
TG: yea dave is zuipperpipsed abt it 2
TG: it rly did a number on him tho whatever it was
GG: it did a number on davepeta too!!
GG: he cant just go around yelling at everyone and making a complete mess of his life
GG: its so unbelievably inconsiderate
GG: which isnt unexpected from him but jeez!!
TG: i mean hes going thru a lot
GG: you dont need to make excuses for him roxy, hes a grown man
GG: he should be able to handle this shit himself
TG: idk
GG: its just not fair.
TG: shrug
GG: well i
GG: sigh
GG: ive got a meeting i need to get back to
GG: you can always text june if youre curious though, i told her something was up
GG: she doesnt seem to really understand the gravity of the situation but thats june for you
TG: sry 4 distacting from the meeting
TG: hope it goes well
GG: thanks. talk to you later, roxy

– gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] –

You knock twice on June’s doorstep, panting in the sun.

The rushing wind of a fifty mile flight wasn’t quite enough to fend off the summer heat, and so you’re drenched by the time you land on June’s doorstep. The thought that you should probably text in advance only reached your mind when you were five minutes away, and waiting around for a (typically sluggish) response from your best friend would mean spending more time in the sun. She probably isn’t out of bed this “early” in the day; thankfully, though, Jasprose is a light sleeper, so she could at least let you in, feline temperament permitting.

All of this is to say that it’s a surprise when June opens the door no less than twelve seconds after you knock. She’s still in her pajamas, though, so perhaps it shouldn’t be that surprising.

JUNE: dave!
JUNE: what an unexpected surprise!
JASPROSE: As opposed to an expected surprise? You’ve got to work on your redundancy, June.

Jasprose floats behind her shoulder. You nod at her– she waves back.

JUNE: oh, i’m sorry, i didn’t realize the grammar police had pulled up to our home.
JUNE: come back with a warrant, maybe?
JASPROSE: It’s not grammar, June, it’s semantics. You’ve got to brush up on your linguistics.
JUNE: we argue about semantics all the time, jasprose. i’d sound like a broken record if i called you out on it every time you were annoying.
JASPROSE: So now you care about redundancy. Curious! :3
JUNE: sighhhh.
JUNE: come in, dave. we were just having breakfast.

Gratefully, you step inside into air conditioning’s cool embrace, sitting down on the couch as soon as you can. June offers you a glass of water, and you take measured sips of it as she and Jasprose bicker and playfight about nothing in particular. Your stomach churns.

JASPROSE: Did you want something to eat?
JASPROSE: Our selection is as limited and arbitrary as ever, but it’s yours to peruse.
LIZ: im good thanks
LIZ: im not falling for the kibble in cereal trick again
JASPROSE: Oh, come on. That was one time.
LIZ: it was one time because i didnt fall for it the other times you tried it
JUNE: owned.
JASPROSE: Oh, so when Dave argues about semantics it’s fine, but as soon as I have an issue with your phrasing…

Jasprose trails off, looking at you. Did she notice something? You thought you were pretty good at concealing your reaction to being called that name, but she’s a weird magic cat, and also maybe your sister, and dubiously psychic. It’s impossible to know for sure, but– shit. It’s nigh imperceptible, but you know that two pixel smirk anywhere. She knows. You are one hundred percent sure of this. This was a mistake.

JUNE: that’s because dave is our guest, jas. guests get a free pass for annoying pedantry.
JASPROSE: Oh, and I don’t? Unbelievable. This reeks of–
JUNE: please don’t say–
JASPROSE: –misailurogyny.
JUNE: oh my goddd.
JUNE: we cannot do this bit again. i’m not ready.
JASPROSE: It’s not a bit, June! The persecution of catgirls, cat women, and any other femininely-inclined feline is a serious issue facing our society. I’d hoped that you would have learned the basics of allyship by now, but apparently not.
JUNE: don’t you have a stream to get to?

Jasprose checks a spot on her wrist where a watch would be.

JASPROSE: Very true! I wouldn’t want to keep Vriska waiting.
JASPROSE: Goodbye, June. Goodbye, esteemed guest. Enjoy your afternoon.

She kisses June on the forehead, then flies up the stairs. June sighs melodramatically, her face buried in her phone. Nearby, a Bluetooth speaker turns on, playing a song you’ve heard June play before.

LIZ: is jasprose hanging with vriska now

June sighs even more melodramatically, resting face down on the table.

JUNE: unfortunately.
JUNE: she shows up as a guest on vriska’s streams. apparently she’s got a lot of fans.
LIZ: and youre jealous

June raises her head, tone indignant.

JUNE: i’m not jealous!!
JUNE: why in the world would i be jealous of vriska.
LIZ: please tell me that was a joke
JUNE: fuck you, it wasn’t!
LIZ: im pretty sure youve been jealous of vriska serket more often than any other woman in the universe
JUNE: not since i figured out i was a girl!
LIZ: youre literally jealous of her right now
JUNE: am not.
LIZ: why dont you like her hanging out with vriska then
LIZ: vriskas cool i hang out with vriska sometimes
JUNE: no you do not.
LIZ: you got me im never going to have a 1 on 1 conversation with her again in my life if i can help it
LIZ: but you two are friends right
JUNE: i guess?
JUNE: we definitely were, at some point. when we were dating, and also a bit after.
JUNE: it was nice to have a confident trans woman around who knew what she was doing, and she really liked being a mentor. even if she was mean a lot of the time, and didn’t really ever know what she was talking about, we still had that.
JUNE: but then i got more confident on my own, and so i guess i didn’t really need her any more.
LIZ: couldnt you have just talked to rose about it
LIZ: shes trans
JUNE: i know she’s trans, dave.
LIZ: wait did you know then
LIZ: i think i remember her telling me it took you a million years to figure it out
JUNE: oh my god, yes, i knew then!
JUNE: i found out at her wedding, it came up in her vows.
LIZ: fuck i remember that
LIZ: shit how could i forget you turned to me and whispered loud as fuck in my ear something like
LIZ: “wait rose is trans sexual??”
LIZ: and then karkat heard and started punching you while fake whispering even louder about how you cant just say that
LIZ: and then afterwards kanaya came over and s–
JUNE: wow can we talk about literally anything else? great. thanks.

June looks away, embarrassed. It can be hard to tell with her if you’re actually hitting a nerve until it’s too late. You take a sip of your water.

JUNE: i guess i was just worried that rose would push me too much.
JUNE: which, in retrospect, was probably what i needed, but i was too scared to figure that out.
JUNE: i was really lucky that jasprose fell into my lap. i don’t know what i’d do without her.

You look down, silent. June finishes her cereal, then walks to the kitchen to put her bowl in the sink. She walks back into the living room and sits next to you on the couch. You still don’t say anything.

JUNE: so, um, is karkat coming?
JUNE: not that i’m not ok hanging out one on one and all, but you two are kind of inseparable!
JUNE: i was a little surprised when you showed up on your own.

You open your mouth, then close it, lips pursed.

JUNE: dave? are you ok?
LIZ: yeah im good
LIZ: just uh
LIZ: god this shits hard
LIZ: like i was impressed when you did it but like im really in a place to appreciate how much this shit sucks now
LIZ: having done it before doesnt make it any easier too
LIZ: practice makes perfect is a lie they tell kids so that they stop whining about sucking at things
LIZ: sometimes its not actually true apparently

June tilts her head in confusion. You take a deep breath, hold it, and then deflate, sinking into June’s couch as you do.

LIZ: sorry im stalling
LIZ: which i know is obvious its basically all i do
LIZ: just waiting until the thing im supposed to be doing just falls apart
LIZ: goddammit im doing it again ok
LIZ: basically im a girl

One of the things you really like about June is that, as long as you’re paying close enough attention, you can see her think in real time. Her head tilts slightly, her eyes unfocus, then she responds.

JUNE: huh?

Just because she thinks about something for a while doesn’t necessarily make the output any more valuable.

LIZ: what do you mean huh its pretty self explanatory
JUNE: no, i mean, i get it.
JUNE: i guess i more meant huh as like, a general noise of surprise?
JUNE: i’m not confused, or anything. i guess it makes sense.
LIZ: does it

She shrugs, and you frown a little.

JUNE: i think so!
JUNE: i mean, you never really seemed to like being a guy? except when we were kids, and you were pretty obviously lying about that.
JUNE: like, you talked about being a guy the same way you talked about little cal, or your brother.
JUNE: i didn’t really get it at the time, but it makes sense that you would stop being a guy eventually.
LIZ: yeah but like
LIZ: ok i mean if it was so obvious why didnt you say something
LIZ: like im pretty dogshit at taking advice but i wouldve at least thought about it
LIZ: or like maybe taken my own thoughts about it even the slightest bit seriously
JUNE: i don’t know.
JUNE: i can’t see inside your head, and you never really said anything about it after i came out, so i just kind of forgot about it?
JUNE: you seemed like you were doing okay as you were.
LIZ: are you kidding me

A faint breeze drifts through the room as June jumps a little. You raised your voice, apparently.

LIZ: what part of locking myself away in a nest of trash and wearing the same clothes every day for several years is giving okay to you
LIZ: i mean fuck ive been trapped in the directors cut torment nexus for most of the past couple months
LIZ: theres no way that jade didnt tell you something was up everyones been snitching on me left and right
LIZ: and i mean fuck you should have put two and two together at some point
LIZ: your best friend stops talking to you for a month maybe that means theres problems going on
LIZ: everyone else figured out that i was fucking miserable why couldnt you

More thinking. June fidgets with the TV remote for a while, but you just stay silent. You can’t really think of much else to say–or, at least, much else that you should say.

JUNE: i mean, it really does make sense in retrospect.
JUNE: and i’m sorry if there was something you wanted me to do that i didn’t do on my own?
JUNE: but, like, i don’t know, dave.
JUNE: or, um. is there another name you’d prefer?
LIZ: liz
JUNE: oh, i like that. it’s cute, but also kind of spunky.

You continue to remind yourself not to say the things that you definitely cannot say to her. You swallow, and remain silent.

JUNE: i guess what i’m trying to say is that i’m stupid some times.
JUNE: a lot of the time, even!
JUNE: i don’t really know how people feel unless they tell me, and even then i don’t really read in between the lines as much as i should.
JUNE: at some point, i guess i realized that i just had to be as honest as possible and just hope that everyone else does the same?
JUNE: so if there’s something you want from me, you have to tell me, or i’m probably not ever going to get it.

You bite your cheek. Anything to keep your mouth closed at this point.

JUNE: which sucks for everyone involved, i think. i don’t really like being this way, but them’s the breaks!
LIZ: youre not stupid june

Mission failed.

JUNE: no, i didn’t mean it as a bad thing! people are just bad at things sometimes, and i’m bad at understanding social conventions.
LIZ: ok but that doesnt make you stupid
LIZ: were all terrible at understanding social conventions
LIZ: like even before the apocalypse happened we were all social outcasts we wouldve been neck deep in the arrested development bog no matter what
LIZ: but then we got traumatized and so now we might as well be fossils six feet under
LIZ: slowly being converted into natural gas so that some future civilization can burn us to kill the planet in some sort of shitty metaphor for the cycle of violence
JUNE: you really do sound like rose sometimes, you know.

You look towards the staircase. Very distantly, you can hear Jasprose arguing with Vriska on stream. At least, you assume that’s what she’s doing; either way, she’s distracted. Which is unfortunate, because if she was here, you’d shut the fuck up about this, but–

LIZ: so like
LIZ: unrelated to all of that
LIZ: weve known each other for a long time right
JUNE: obviously.
JUNE: is this a set up for a your mom joke?
LIZ: what
LIZ: no
LIZ: how would that even work
JUNE: i don’t know!
JUNE: usually when you make an obvious statement it’s a set up for a your mom joke.
JUNE: “we’ve known each other for a long time, but not as long as my dick that was in your mom last night.” something like that.
LIZ: dude i know your mom and im not interested
LIZ: last week she was talking about there being a cheeto in the white house
LIZ: earth c doesnt even have a white house its green
LIZ: which now that i think about it is kind of a loaded color whyd they do that
JUNE: i don’t know, liz! you sure seemed interested in her back in the game!
LIZ: man i dont know why we have to talk about this shit
JUNE: you started it!
LIZ: i didnt even want to talk about your hot mom in the first place
LIZ: DONT say anything that one was on purpose
JUNE: whatever you say

You sigh dramatically. June giggles to herself, snorting a little. Your heart rattles in your chest.

LIZ: so weve known each other for ages
LIZ: like half of our lives
LIZ: more than half at this point i dont remember exactly when we started talking but as far as im concerned ive known you for all the time that matters
LIZ: and despite how much of a huge loser you were and continue to be youve been a real inspiration to me
JUNE: d’aww!
LIZ: and like especially when it comes to girl shit youre just a really emotionally strong person who im really happy to know
JUNE: d’awwwwww!!
LIZ: can we stop with the fucking daws please
LIZ: ive spent enough time in fl studio i dont need reminders
JUNE: that one wasn’t funny.
LIZ: they cant all be winners june im under a lot of pressure here

June giggles again, then puts her hand on your shoulder

JUNE: what pressure? we’re just hanging out.
LIZ: im spilling my guts here theres gonna be a lot of pressure
LIZ: might as well be planet fucking jupiter with all of these dense gasses–
JUNE: this one’s not funny either, liz.
LIZ: so when you said you were trying to be honest that was just an excuse to be rude as fuck about my awesome quips
JUNE: if that’s what you want to believe, then sure.
JUNE: you should go back to saying nice things about me, though.
LIZ: yes your majesty
LIZ: youre a cool girl and i dont think i couldve figured this shit out without you
LIZ: i mean i couldntve figured it out without a lot of people even if some of those people are complete dipshits
LIZ: but like you helped me the most
LIZ: and also arent a complete dipshit which helps
LIZ: like a partial dipshit at most maybe 20 percent
JUNE: that’s the nicest thing you’ve said so far!
JUNE: keep going.

This woman is going to be the death of you.

LIZ: youre killing me here june
LIZ: but just for you ill give you one more
LIZ: you ready for this
LIZ: im not sure you can handle it
JUNE: i can take it just fine, liz.
LIZ: well ok
LIZ: this doesnt leave this room but i think youre pretty and im kind of jealous i guess

June laughs this time, bending over a little bit. You sit there awkwardly watching until she stops.

JUNE: sorry, sorry. i know you’re serious, and i am really touched, honestly!
JUNE: i just never thought i would hear that from you.
LIZ: yeah well im full of surprises today i guess
JUNE: i guess so.
JUNE: it’s nice! you should keep it up.
LIZ: ill keep that in mind

June rubs a tear from her eye. She’s still smiling.

JUNE: why say all of this, anyway?
JUNE: not that i’m complaining, obviously. i’m just curious!

Well, here it is. The last turn off this road. When you get like this, it doesn’t really feel like a choice, or even a series of choices. The steering wheel is broken– you can either brake and shut down completely, or roll down the hill towards whatever catastrophe awaits at the bottom.

LIZ: because
LIZ: i love you

Now that you think about it, you’ve been picking catastrophe a lot recently. You’ve really got to get better at self-reflection.

June rolls her eyes.

JUNE: you’ve really got to work on your jokes, liz. it’s been miss after miss today.

Okay, you’ve been given one last chance. Take the out. Please take the out.

LIZ: it wasnt a joke
LIZ: im serious

God fucking dammit.

LIZ: i love you and i think ive loved you for like ten years
LIZ: in the way that i loved anyone before like until a couple days ago everything was through like seven shitty instagram filters that made my true emotions completely unintelligible but like
LIZ: i can see clearly now and i love you

June frowns.

JUNE: um.
JUNE: can you, like, give me a second?
JUNE: that’s kind of a lot to process.
LIZ: sure
JUNE: cool. uh, be right back.

June walks into the kitchen. As soon as she does, you put your head in your hands. You fucked up unbelievably. This is maybe your worst fuckup of the day, and that’s saying something, considering you broke up with Karkat two hours ago. Was that a mistake? Probably not, right? I mean, who’s to say that he’d like you as a girl, anyway, and you’re not even sure that you like him as a girl. Not to mention–

Your pocket vibrates several times in quick succession. Desperate for a distraction, you check it.

– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 2:22 PM –

TG: heyyyy girl
TG: hows ur day goin
TG: nbd if ur not up 2 sharin im just curious as always
TG: yk thats kind of dangerous 4 me i realized
TG: have u heard what happens 2 cats that r curious. im cat adjacent i gotta look out
TG: anyway just checkin in hope things r cool with karkat
TG: OH also rose was tryin 2 talk 2 u
TG: ik things r wierd af btween u 2 but i think u should prolly at least say hi
TG: not my business tho
TG: ur busy af i bet so ill ttyl!! gl w ur d8 :3

– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –

Okay, that was a shitty distraction. For a moment, you entertain talking to Rose about something asinine and unimportant. It’s been a while, you know, and so maybe oh god oh fuck June came back into the room. She walks over to you and sits a comfortable distance away from you on the couch, then places her hand on your shoulder.

JUNE: hey, um.
JUNE: so, i just wanted to say that i know it takes a lot to say something like this, and i think it’s really brave of you to be honest with me.
LIZ: (oh my god)
JUNE: i’m serious! it takes a lot, i know that first hand.
JUNE: and i care about you so much as a friend, and i do think you can be really cute sometimes, but i just–
LIZ: can you please talk to me like an adult
LIZ: this is therapyspeak bullshit

June’s eye twitches.

JUNE: i’m just trying to be respectful of your feelings, d– liz. sorry.
LIZ: come the fuck on june
JUNE: you know what?

June stands back up.

JUNE: fine. i guess i’m being kind of a hypocrite.
JUNE: i don’t… i don’t understand?
LIZ: whats there to understand
LIZ: like theres plenty of reasons to like you june i just said a bunch of them
JUNE: not that. i get that.
JUNE: and, like, now that i think about it, it all makes sense?
JUNE: that’s how it always is with me, i don’t get it until it’s too late. whatever.
JUNE: but why say this now??
LIZ: well-
JUNE: i don’t really know what’s going on with you besides the girl thing, but jade said you were really depressed! which, i mean, we all are, but i think she meant extra depressed.
JUNE: and i’m sure the girl stuff was a big part of it. but that’s definitely not all of it. it wasn’t for me.
JUNE: i just don’t know what you stand to gain from this. it feels like you’re fucking with me.
LIZ: i-
JUNE: and, like, you’re dating karkat! aren’t you two monogamous? does he know about this??
LIZ: we were monogamous yeah

June’s eyes widen.

JUNE: “were”??
JUNE: did he break up with you?
LIZ: fucking excuse me
LIZ: i broke up with him
JUNE: oh my fucking god. you can’t be serious.
LIZ: we werent good for each other
JUNE: according to who, liz! karkat is the sweetest person i know. you two seemed so happy together. i don’t get it.
LIZ: you didnt live with him
LIZ: its different

June throws up her hands and rolls her eyes.

JUNE: fine. whatever.
JUNE: you’re single again. congrats!
JUNE: i just don’t get why you’d tell the girl who is dating your SISTER that you’re in love with her!
JUNE: i mean, fuck, i’m dating your sister TWICE even. in what world would that work? i’m not going to just drop everything for you.
LIZ: jesus christ june i didnt think you felt the same way
LIZ: you said to be honest
LIZ: and you were being so nice and i just didnt want to lie to you anymore
LIZ: so i said how i feel
LIZ: is that such a fucking problem
JUNE: no? yes? i don’t know!!
JUNE: it isn’t a problem in theory, i guess, but you broke up with your boyfriend! did you break up with him for me??
LIZ: no
LIZ: i dont think so
JUNE: well, that’s reassuring, i guess. assuming you’re telling the truth.
JUNE: how long have you two been broken up? nobody told me about this.

You look down at your lap.

LIZ: a couple hours

June buries her face in her hands and groans.

JUNE: this is such a disaster.
LIZ: sorry
JUNE: no, don’t be sorry, i just…
JUNE: i don’t know. maybe i’m not being fair to you.
JUNE: but i think i need to be alone right now.
LIZ: june im sorry
JUNE: we can talk about this later. please just leave.
LIZ: i
LIZ: ok

Shakily, you stand up. You can’t bear to look back at June, and so you don’t. You leave without a word.

Notes:

here's another one! follow me on tumblr etc etc. i also wanted to say that i really really appreciate all of the comments i've received on the fic so far-- i do read and treasure them all even if i don't always respond. it's very kind of you all to leave your thoughts for me to peruse :3

Chapter 11

Notes:

heads up: i added it to the tags but for the next couple chapters there's going to be a considerable amount of suicide discussion. it's liz-typical pseudo-irony for the most part but i thought it was worth mentioning regardless

The day only got hotter in the thirty minutes or so you were inside. A strong breeze picked up in the meantime, but it only serves to blast you with more hot air, pushing through your hoodie before getting trapped between the fabric. You need to take this thing off. You’d take your skin off, if you thought it’d help. It’d be nice to just peel yourself like an onion, layer by layer, until all of the sweat and hair and grime was gone and you were just a skeleton. It sounds a lot easier than being human. Easier than being a deadbeat god.

You fiddle with the zipper for a moment as you walk out into the woods near June’s house. The shade eases your discomfort a little, but it’s not enough. Taking the hoodie off isn’t quite enough either– any sort of physical relief is offset by the sight of the hair on your arms and the moisture on your T-shirt.

You hurl the jacket off into the woods. It’s one less sensation to worry about.

LIZ: god im such a fucking idiot

You mumble under your breath, subvocalization turned vocal. It’s a habit you can’t quite seem to kick.

LIZ: genuinely i dont actually know what i expected
LIZ: i didnt expect anything i guess i just hurled myself at mach speed at another of my most important relationships
LIZ: two for one today im the fuckin al qaeda of self-destruction
LIZ: days still young im sure i can hit the pentagon if i try

What relationships are left to destroy, though?

LIZ: good point
LIZ: osama wishes he was me
LIZ: social obliteration speedrun explained
LIZ: god im so fucking obnoxious its a miracle that anyone put up with me as long as they did

You lean your back against a tree and wipe the sweat from your brow.

LIZ: this is just how it should be
LIZ: at least now i cant fuck anything up more severely
LIZ: honestly rock bottom is underrated i dont know why it gets such a bad rap
LIZ: things literally could not get any worse

With a sigh, you slide down onto the ground, legs splayed out in front of you. Dirt stains your jeans.

LIZ: now what

It’s not a bad question. You could go back to Roxy, assuming you can stomach the pity and judgement that will inevitably be sent your way. You could message Rose and pray she doesn’t say anything about the months of silence.

LIZ: shes definitely going to

Well, it’s either one of those two things or wallowing here in the forest forever. Or you could go back to June’s with your tail between your legs. You cry now, after all. In dreams, anyways. You could pull the same shit with her that you did with Roxy. You know, trick her into thinking you have emotions and actually want to get better.

LIZ: come on man
LIZ: i did want to get better
LIZ: i mean fuck
LIZ: i do

Very convincing.

LIZ: i dont need to prove anything to you

Who else is left to prove anything to? It’s just you here. Alone, in the woods, your face and clothes damp with sweat.

LIZ: i dont need to prove anything to anyone
LIZ: i dont owe anyone shit
LIZ: im depressed remember
LIZ: that means im off the hook
LIZ: free reign to fuck off into the woods for as long as i want while everyone else just shakes their head sadly
LIZ: worst case scenario they try to throw me in a psych ward and i just rewind back before it was ever built
LIZ: im a squirrely motherfucker theres nothing to be done about it

That definitely sounds sustainable.

LIZ: shut the fuck up
LIZ: maybe ill just kill myself have you thought about that
LIZ: once everyones sick of me i can just do them a favor and cut my head off
LIZ: dirk would love that id be following right in his footsteps

Oh, right, Dirk. You could always go talk to him.

LIZ: im not going to talk to dirk right now are you fucking insane

Good question. Are you?

LIZ: i fucking guess but not that much
LIZ: can you imagine what hed say
LIZ: like at least rose is a trans woman hes like
LIZ: i mean i think hes trans too idk but hes fucking weird about it
LIZ: nominated most likely to use the word autogynephiliac 5025
LIZ: stole it out from under roses nose
LIZ: if i get one more lecture about labels from him then im gonna do it for real

The ironic suicide threats don’t quite hit the same when you made an unironic one not forty-five seconds prior.

LIZ: i cant take this
LIZ: if im gonna be talking to myself like this i might as well just call rose up and ask what insurance she takes

That might be a good idea.

LIZ: its not a good idea its a terrible idea
LIZ: its a one way ticket to vulnerability city
LIZ: you dont come back from there
LIZ: they turn you into a punching bag who journals and takes antidepressants and watches fucking ghibli movies

Like June?

LIZ: she doesnt journal

And yet she came to mind.

LIZ: no shit she came to mind im half a mile from her house
LIZ: shes my best friend or at least she was until i destroyed that like i destroy everything
LIZ: all thats left are these stupid fucking glasses on my face

You could always take them off. It’s not too bright here.

LIZ: fine

You do so. It is, in actuality, quite bright, but the visual overstimulation is more manageable than the tactile overstimulation. You taste salt on your lips.

LIZ: maybe i should stop wearing these

Really? They’re your brand, you know.

LIZ: being dave strider was my brand
LIZ: i ditched that already why not the glasses

The light sensitivity, for one.

LIZ: theres other sunglasses i dont need to be larping as ben stiller at the grown age of 24

At this point you’ve owned them far longer than he ever did. You’re more popular than he ever was, too. They’re your glasses.

LIZ: theyre dave striders glasses
LIZ: gifted to him by john egbert in a rotting corpse of a universe

That’s a little melodramatic.

LIZ: maybe thats who i am now
LIZ: im a melodramatic little bitch it came free with the gender reveal

So much for your cool guy cred.

LIZ: youre the one who wants me to go to therapy

She isn’t an actual therapist, and you know it. Even if she were, she’d be a bad one; no good therapist takes that much joy in crafting “theories.” She cares about you.

LIZ: so did june
LIZ: that shits conditional

You’re really eager to use the past tense when talking about her, aren’t you?

LIZ: theres no coming back from that shit
LIZ: even if i do its not gonna be the same
LIZ: well be awkward and weird and distant the way jade is with me
LIZ: or the way vriska is with june
LIZ: or the way basically everyone except roxy is with jane
LIZ: man i really dont wanna be like jane
LIZ: theyd eat me alive on bluesky

Maybe wait more than half an hour before recycling your mean-spirited jokes. It’s a bad look to prod at an acquaintance that often.

LIZ: nobodys listening anyway

Are you sure?

LIZ: what
LIZ: do you think june came out here
LIZ: “oh, liz, i realized i’m deeply in love with after all. i just broke up with my three girlfriends, let’s run away together.”
LIZ: sorry thats inaccurate shed get halfway through saying dave first

That’s a little uncharitable, no? She slipped up once. You did the same when she came out.

LIZ: yeah but i can tell
LIZ: she still sees me as dave
LIZ: they all do
LIZ: im sick and tired of it
LIZ: im going to be someone else and theres nothing they can do about it

Such resolve is uncharacteristic for a girl who claims to be at “rock bottom.”

LIZ: yeah well im full of surprises
LIZ: im not going to be some predictable breadtube sack of shit anymore
LIZ: even if it means everyone hates me now
LIZ: june can shove these glasses up her ass

This emotional current seems pretty impermanent. Maybe you should cool down.

LIZ: oh sure and the gender thing is impermanent too
LIZ: nah fuck that
LIZ: you want to see permanence?
LIZ: watch this

You grip your sunglasses tightly with both hands. They creak as you squeeze tighter and tighter, the plastic and metal digging into your palms. And then… crunch. Pain shoots through your hands as chunks of glass wedge themselves in your skin. You loosen your grip and stare at the black shards and droplets of blood. The husk of the glasses falls to the forest floor.

LIZ: there
JASPROSE: Is littering another of your new favorite pastimes?

Jasprose floats six feet to your right, your balled up hoodie held under her arm. She tosses it at you, and it hits you in the face.

JASPROSE: Alongside your wide array of self-destructive behaviors, I mean. It fits in pretty well! You’re externalizing your internal disarray by ruining the environment.
LIZ: i was kind of trying to have a moment here

Jasprose floats down to the ground next you, sitting cross-legged. Her tail swishes back and forth.

JASPROSE: So I heard! I couldn’t hear whomever you were talking to, though. Care to enlighten me?
LIZ: absolutely the fuck not
LIZ: if you cant pick it up from context clues thats on you dog
JASPROSE: Cat, but I’ll let it slide just this once.
LIZ: thanks for sparing me your majesty
LIZ: can you fuck off now
JASPROSE: Mmm, nope.

She smiles. You bury your face in your hands– or, at least, you try, but the shards in your hand poke you and a bit of blood smears your cheeks.

JASPROSE: You’ve really fucked things up to a tremendous degree, huh?
LIZ: yeah thats pretty clear
JASPROSE: It was rhetorical, dipshit. And besides, there was a but coming.
LIZ: was there
JASPROSE: There was, but I had to make room for your inevitable half-hearted retort. Can I speak without being interrupted constantly now?
LIZ: i–
JASPROSE: Great! Thanks.

You start picking the glass out of your palms, wincing as you do so.

JASPROSE: You’ve fucked things up to a tremendous degree, BUT, you haven’t fucked anything up permanently.
JASPROSE: I honestly don’t even know where you got that idea from.
JASPROSE: Or, well, I do–it’s pretty clearly the depression talking–but it’s a ridiculous concept, and you really ought to stop entertaining it.
JASPROSE: June still likes you way too much to stop talking to you. Jade’s dating a half-version of you, which means she likes you well enough to eventually come back around. Roxy didn’t ever stop liking you, even? Seriously, you’re just conjuring social conflict out of thin air here.
JASPROSE: Karkat might be out of your reach, though. I won’t sugarcoat it.
LIZ: b-
JASPROSE: My point, though, is that you’re going to be just fine. Better than before, even! All it would really take is an apology or two, maybe some flowers… or just some herbs in general. In my humble opinion, catnip would be a great choice, especially for June–
JASPROSE: Oops. I’m getting sidetracked.
JASPROSE: The too long; didn’t listen is this: you’re fine, and you should stop worrying so much.

You stare down at your hands. The bleeding’s stopped.

LIZ: so like
LIZ: when junes having a nervous breakdown
LIZ: which i assume she still has like weekly
JASPROSE: Closer to biweekly now, but yes.
LIZ: biweekly as in twice a week or as in every other week
JASPROSE: If it was the former, would I have told you about it right this second?
LIZ: i dont fucking know youre the one without a filter
JASPROSE: Touche. It’s the latter. She’s doing a lot better these days, you know?
LIZ: as i was fucking saying
LIZ: when shes having one of her biweekly nervous breakdowns
LIZ: does telling her that actually shes totally fine and that its dumb to worry help even the slightest amount
LIZ: like does that do anything at all to help

Jasprose strokes her chin thoughtfully. You roll your eyes at her, and she smirks.

JASPROSE: On occasion. Usually it’s the cuddling that helps more, though.
JASPROSE: We could try that, if you prefer.
LIZ: im good actually
LIZ: what im trying to say here is that being told that im being overdramatic and throwing a fit over nothing kind of just makes me feel like an even bigger sack of shit
LIZ: like im serious its like someone went to the shit factory and–
JASPROSE: Maybe don’t finish that one.
LIZ: if you dont want to hear my shit metaphors maybe dont make me feel like shit in the first place
LIZ: this is why i didnt want to talk to rose in the first place
LIZ: any roses dont worry youre included in the rose moratorium
JASPROSE: I’m flattered.
LIZ: its my pleasure

Jasprose sighs, uncrossing her legs. Her tail flicks a bit more, and her glow dims.

JASPROSE: You did really hurt her, you know.
JASPROSE: I heard the whole thing. Cat ears, and whatnot.
JASPROSE: It’s not that I think you actually did anything wrong, necessarily– it certainly wasn’t the right time to have that conversation, but the subject matter itself was inevitably going to come up at some point.
JASPROSE: I think you knew that it would hurt her, too.
LIZ: …
JASPROSE: Or, at least, you didn’t really think about it.
JASPROSE: I’m upset with you. A lot of people are right now!
JASPROSE: And while you definitely deserve more empathy than you’ve gotten, you certainly aren’t making it easy.
LIZ: what do you want from me then

Your tone is sharp. She winces at the sound of it, then crosses her arms. Her ears flatten a little.

JASPROSE: I just want you to try a little harder, maybe? To be honest, I haven’t quite figured out exactly what it is that I want.
JASPROSE: I want everyone to be happy, I suppose, but that’s not really a thing that I can manifest.
JASPROSE: Fifteen minutes ago, what I wanted was to make you feel terrible for hurting June, but it seemed like you had that covered.
JASPROSE: Maybe you’re right.
LIZ: oh really
LIZ: what exactly am i right about
JASPROSE: Don’t get smug. You’re still being a bitch right now.
JASPROSE: I know how it sounds, coming from me, but you’ve been extremely self-absorbed as of late. To some extent, it’s a good look on you, but…
JASPROSE: I don’t know. Tone it down a little, perhaps? All things in moderation, and all that.

You deflate a little.

JASPROSE: Anyways. Yes, you’re right. I should fuck off.
JASPROSE: I’m definitely not the right person to be talking to you about this.
JASPROSE: But you do need to talk about it. And not just to yourself, in the middle of the woods.
JASPROSE: Promise me you’ll talk to Rose about this? If you do, I’ll leave you alone.
JASPROSE: I’ll put in a good word with June later, even.

You purse your lips. It’s not a bad offer.

LIZ: (you would say that)
JASPROSE: Hm?
LIZ: nothing
LIZ: ill talk to rose
LIZ: and im sorry for being a bitch i guess

Jasprose stands, stretching her back dramatically.

JASPROSE: Pro tip: when apologizing to someone, try to avoid sticking “I guess” onto the end. It helps sell the sincerity.
JASPROSE: But thanks. I appreciate it.

She extends her paw to you. You take it, and she pulls you up off the ground, though she doesn’t let go just yet. She smiles at you, then puts her other hand’s finger to her lips, thinking for a moment.

LIZ: uh

Jasprose pulls you in for a hug, squeezing you tightly as she pulls you an inch into the air, floating as she often does. You make a quiet squeaking sound as she compresses your ribcage.

It doesn’t last very long, and soon your feet are again on the ground.

JASPROSE: Congrats on the gender, and on the name. It’s a good one.
LIZ: thanks
JASPROSE: Is it short for anything? I always thought Elizabeth was a rather elegant name.
LIZ: nah
LIZ: its just liz
JASPROSE: Oh well. See you around, Liz.
LIZ: bye

She disappears through a fenestrated plane, and you’re left alone again. Purple and pink sparkles hang in the air for a second or two, commemorating her disappearance. A gust of wind comes through, blowing them away alongside bits of fallen leaves and specks of dirt.

The sound of near-silence is a welcome one. You take a deep breath.

LIZ: god that was a lot

It could have been worse. Are you ready to talk to Rose now?

LIZ: i literally just did

Technically true, but the result clearly wasn’t the same. You need to talk to a Rose who hasn’t been pissed off by you in the past hour.

LIZ: and also one that talks slightly less
LIZ: i know im the pot and shes the kettle there but man i couldnt get a word in

Rose Prime might not be much better in that regard, you know.

LIZ: im painfully aware
LIZ: i think im just gonna take a second

Yeah, alright. Not too long, though.

LIZ: not too long

Despite having just stood up, you sit back down, taking a deep breath and holding it as you do.

You close your eyes, then release it. You take in another, hold it, then release. Your heart rate slows. The tension drains from your body.

It’s the first time you’ve felt any sort of peace in… well, who knows how long. A while. You try not to think about it; in fact, you try not to think about anything at all.

Several moments pass, and you fall asleep.

Notes:

two more chapters! this one's a small one but the next two are both going to be quite long. i hope you've enjoyed so far

Chapter 12

Rain falls from grey skies onto grey cement. It’s cold and humid, and the air clings to your face and hands, coating them in a fine layer of moisture. Your umbrella only does so much to spare you– others’ hurried footsteps send droplets bouncing up from the concrete onto your ankles, expertly vaulting over your boots. It is, all in all, a deeply unpleasant experience, and so you hurry down block after block, searching for cover–an awning, an overhang, something.

Instead, you find only the uniform flat walls of countless unremarkable buildings, impossible to tell apart. The people, too, blend together: half grey and black suits, half black and grey dresses. Together with their own umbrellas, you and they form a procession, each and every one of you walking in the same direction, linked in lockstep, just slightly downhill. The pattering of the rain and the rhythm of boots hitting the ground are indistinguishable too. The cacophony is ceaseless, and it suffocates you. Still, though, you march in unison. There’s nowhere else to go.

A loud sound. It’s warm and electric.

You jump in surprise, and the force of those behind you pushes you out into the street. It’s only now that it becomes clear to you that the road itself is completely empty, and perfectly smooth, with no sign of cars and no history of use. The scale of it all rapidly becomes apparent. Thousands and thousands, marching onwards towards a destination you can only now see: the dull, off-blue color of a frozen ocean.

The bell rings again. (It’s a bell, you’re sure of it.) You hear it in your right ear, and not your left. Imperfect stereo. Without thought or intention, your head turns ninety degrees. There’s an alley there, obscured by the wall of pedestrians. Just barely unaware, you cross the street and stop in front of the other side, the alleyway’s entrance only eight or ten feet away, with only a river of flesh between it and you.

Ring. Just for a second, before you forget again, you come to your senses, or at least what feels like them. Your head is like a beehive filled with smoke. All your thoughts are dazed, panicked; it’s the hive mentality, intelligence without intent. There’s something there, something to be understood and prodded at and picked apart, but you can’t see or smell or taste it. It’s just that lovely sound, calling you ever closer.

You push through the people in your way. Their bodies feel like metal, leaving bruises where you collide. Nobody pays you any mind, and soon you’re within the passageway’s comforting embrace.

It’s narrow enough here for it to be dry everywhere but the ground, where puddles form by the walls. You lower your umbrella and walk forwards, the warmth growing from without and within as you take one step after another, carefully, cautiously avoiding the puddles. They’re spreading now, underneath you, dry land sloughing off to reveal its wet inside. You pick up the pace. There’s not any time left.

Where’s the sound? Where’s the sound? It’s somewhere. It has to be here. It felt so nice, didn’t it? You just need to hear it again, and–

The alley is a dead end. A woman stands there, facing the wall. She’s barefoot, and she’s wearing a sundress. Completely dry, of course. Even her frizzy hair hasn’t captured a single raindrop.

You call out to her. She twitches slightly, but doesn’t move.

You move closer. The rain grows louder. It runs down the walls. She doesn’t answer. She’s got to answer, right? She hears you, you’re right there.

You reach her– or, rather, you reach a space three feet behind her. You can’t close the gap. All you can do is cry and beg.

Her hands ball into fists.

Desperately, you reach out for her shoulder. She doesn’t have to say anything to you. Can’t you just see her face? The memory could be enough. You just need to see it, to memorize its contours, its lines. In thirty years you can fill in the wrinkles and smile lines, that’s fine. You can always come back to it, so long as you can see it right now.

In an act of mercy, or perhaps mere exasperation, she turns around.

Her face is hollow. Not empty, but instead containing precisely nothing at all. No sound, no voice, no perfect picture to think of late at night. Nothing to dream about. Nothing to love. There’s only you.

The alley contracts. The wall rushes forward, pushing the hollow woman against you as you’re both ejected from the refuge, hurled out into the street with the rain and the apathetic masses. Your head hits the ground hard with a deafening crack like thunder. It doesn’t hurt, but your body freezes. It’s not taking any more requests.

A lone tear runs through the grey sky. Loose threads dangle down from it, tickling your face. You can’t reach them, though. Your arms won’t move. Your legs won’t move. Your lungs won’t move. It’s all still. There’s only the rain and the sky you can’t touch. That’s all there will ever be.

And then you feel a sharp pain in your stomach, and color rushes in.

ROSE: Liz?

Oh. Did you fall asleep?

ROSE: I’ve got to say, out of all the locales one could have chosen for an outdoor nap, a suburban forest in the middle of a heat wave is perhaps one of the worst.
LIZ: hi rose
ROSE: Hi.

She’s holding a long stick in her right hand. Did she poke you with it? She must have. Rude.

ROSE: I’d ask what happened to your hands, but the trash surrounding you paints a pretty comprehensive picture.
LIZ: i thought youd be proud
LIZ: youre always talking about showing instead of telling
ROSE: That principle doesn’t apply universally, you know. And the historical roots of it are actually rather interesting. I’ve been doing some reading, and actually–
LIZ: dont care

Rose pouts a little.

ROSE: I’m trying to extend an olive branch here. I very well could have continued prodding about what appears to be the aftermath of you destroying your most treasured possession, but instead I provided a tangent for you to riff on.
ROSE: Like old times, if you will.
LIZ: i wont
LIZ: or i mean ok thats a lie im definitely going to take occasional detached jabs at your monologues in the future thats kind of our thing but right this second im not in the mood
ROSE: We could change roles, then? You monologue, I jab?
LIZ: not feeling that either

She sighs.

ROSE: So much for a modern take on Socratic dialogue.
ROSE: What do you suggest instead, then?
LIZ: how about
LIZ: exchanging as few words as possible until we get somewhere with ac and running water
LIZ: maybe some tylenol if youre feeling generous
ROSE: I’m sure that could be arranged. My philanthropy knows no bounds.
LIZ: perfect
ROSE: Does my place suffice?
LIZ: sure
LIZ: lets go

For the second time today, Rose takes your hand, lifting you upwards. The two of you fly off in silence.

– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 4:14 PM –
TG: junebug whats up
TG: how r u
TG: um
TG: ok no i cant do this youve talked to dave recently right
EB: Hi Roxy! June isn’t looking at her phone right now.
EB: As far as Liz updates go, Rose is likely your best bet.
TG: o
TG: ok so like
TG: ughhhh
TG: come tf on lizzie y r u doin this
EB: That’s how these things go, I’ve found. Especially with girls as repressed as her.
TG: yea i guess so
TG: so shes with rose now
EB: Presumably. I sent Rose her way, anyhow.
TG: idk why every1s completely ageric 2 keepin me in the loop
EB: Ageric?
TG: u dont kno allgeric to tagoballs?
EB: What?
TG: gagobears?
EB: I really don’t follow.
TG: nvm its stupid and doesnt matter
TG: luv u jaspy thx 4 the heads up <3
– tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] –

ROSE: So.

Rose and Kanaya’s dining room is ridiculously large. A long table stretches the length of the whole room, serving up to twenty people. You’ve never seen more than eight gather here, and so the never-used far end of the table always served to intimidate you. The experimental, repetitive music Rose put on doesn’t really help, either. It’s like eating dinner with electronic ghosts.

ROSE: Between my mother’s penchant for gossip, my feline counterpart’s lack of consideration for boundaries, and my place as the goddess of fortune and knowledge, I think I’ve largely pieced together the events of the past few days.
ROSE: Just in case, though, could you walk me through everything? I’d greatly appreciate it.

You’re wearing an oversized T-shirt and shorts that June left here at one point and trying not to think about it. It was worth being able to wash the sweat and dirt off of you, but it would have been incredible to wear just about anything else. (Rose offered some of her own clothes, given that the two of you share similar sizes, but that was even worse.) You tap your fingers on the table, eagerly awaiting the introduction of extra strength Tylenol into your bloodstream.

LIZ: i guess i can give you the cliffnotes
LIZ: im not about to get into detail about any of it though
ROSE: An outline’s more than enough.
LIZ: cool
LIZ: so

Your mind unfocuses a little as the words spill out. You’re careful enough to cut corners, still–, you delicately sidestep mentioning Karkat eating shit in the planetarium, you skip over the bulk of the conversation with June, and you definitely don’t mention arguing with yourself in the woods for fifteen minutes, but you figure that she probably knows enough to embarrass you for years to come regardless. At least she doesn’t know about whatever it was that Davepeta did to you.

LIZ: and then i had a weird dream and you poked me with a stick
ROSE: A weird dream?
LIZ: yeah i dont really remember it

It’s true. All that lingers is how it made you feel, which is something you can’t quite put into words anyway. Surprising, given your typical loquacity.

ROSE: Hm. I suppose it’s probably not important.
ROSE: Most psychology is fake to some degree, but dream analysis lies on the phonier end. I’m doing my best to move past it.
LIZ: didnt know that you gave a shit about fakeness when it came to psychology
ROSE: Not always. I wouldn’t want to damage my credibility, though. You might stop taking me seriously.

She smirks a little. You very pointedly do not react.

ROSE: Anyways. I expect you’re already extremely aware of the degree to which your behavior today is completely ridiculous, so I’ll avoid scolding you.
LIZ: ok thanks
ROSE: I’ll even postpone lecturing you about ghosting me for several months until you’re feeling better. Consider it a sign of my boundless grace.
LIZ: yeah totally
LIZ: everyone knows the best way to be graceful is to crush whoever youre talking to with a bulldozers worth of passive aggression
LIZ: youre basically the olympic figure skater of debate class everyones in awe
LIZ: let me get down on my hands and knees im truly honored by your presence
ROSE: Tone it down a little.
LIZ: you first
ROSE: Fine.

Rose places her elbows on the table to support her head, leaning in towards you a little. Her back slumps.

ROSE: I’ve just been worried, Liz.
LIZ: how do you know my name again exactly
ROSE: Jasprose “accidentally” told me, but I already knew. Seer powers, remember?
LIZ: right and shes the one who doesnt respect boundaries
ROSE: It’s not as though I control what I see. Believe me, if I could make Sburb mechanics and their consequences any less transphobic, I would.
LIZ: is it still transphobia when its all trans women involved
LIZ: like at that point i think its just being a dick
ROSE: Lateral violence generally qualifies, yes.
ROSE: It’s a nice name, though. It suits you.
LIZ: damn is that just the default answer in a can everyone whips out
LIZ: like if i called myself something flowery and arcane would you grit your teeth and tell me its perfect
LIZ: yeah actually im alouette beaumont strider now tell me that one suits me
ROSE: I mean, a bird name certainly wouldn’t be a bad choice, what with your history of avian association.
LIZ: is that a bird name i thought i just made that up
ROSE: It’s French for “lark.”
LIZ: dont know what a lark is either i think youre just trying to weasel your way out of this
LIZ: do it tell me alouette suits me with a straight face

Rose rolls her eyes.

ROSE: It doesn’t.
ROSE: “It suits you” is just an easy and kind thing to say when someone shares something very vulnerable. It’s a relatively harmless social convention.
ROSE: That said, though, I do truly mean it. It’s a name befitting of a cool girl such as yourself.

You look down at the table, arms crossed.

LIZ: thanks i guess

The table creaks a little as Rose leans forwards a little more.

ROSE: Oh, don’t be like that.
LIZ: be like what
ROSE: It’s nice, isn’t it? It feels good to be a cool girl. It’s validating.
LIZ: i dont know what youre talking about
ROSE: Hmph. I suppose you don’t need to admit it for me to know it’s true. Your eyes are very expressive, you know.

You’re painfully aware. A lifetime of having them obscured has left you woefully underpracticed in terms of keeping them still.

LIZ: so like
LIZ: is that all you have to say
LIZ: sorry about all that shit with june and karkat but your name is cute
LIZ: cause like yeah my name is cute and maybe it does feel nice to think about that but its a drop in the bucket compared to the pacific ocean of fuckups today
LIZ: feeling a little nice about my name isnt even a silver lining its like copper wiring being stripped out of an abandoned mcdonalds
LIZ: its barely worth having done anything at all

Rose tilts her head a little.

ROSE: Is there an alternative you would have preferred?
LIZ: like what
ROSE: You could have stayed closeted. Many women do, at least for a time.
ROSE: I did, though I was only a girl then.

You roll your eyes, and Rose glares at you a little.

LIZ: yeah but who did you even have to come out to
LIZ: did you even talk to anyone who wasnt your mom as a kid
ROSE: I had a tutor for a time; but yes, you’re right, I only had my mother to tell.
ROSE: Still, it took me quite a while. Years, even.
LIZ: shit really

The corner of Rose’s mouth turns downwards, and she pulls her arms back into her lap.

ROSE: Yes, really.
ROSE: It’s terrifying! I had no reason to expect my mother to take me seriously– everything I’d seen online told me that coming out would be a complete and total catastrophe. I was convinced that she was going to kick me out once I told her; in fact, it was only my growing disdain for her and that house that helped me to come out in the first place.
ROSE: The worst case scenario didn’t seem so bad. Either I escaped, or I got to be a woman.
LIZ: im guessing she didnt kick you out
ROSE: She did not. If anything, I found her to be too supportive. I felt suffocated.

You think about Roxy’s reaction to you coming out. It was muted at first, but once you told her that you were definitely a trans woman specifically, well…

LIZ: yeah i think i know what you mean
ROSE: Is that so?
LIZ: well i told roxy first

Rose chuckles a little.

ROSE: She means well, you know.
ROSE: I couldn’t appreciate it back then, but with hindsight I can see that it was that unconditional support that allowed me to present myself as confidently as I did.
LIZ: yeah no im not dunking on roxy
LIZ: kind of a dick move to shittalk someone whos letting you crash on their couch
ROSE: Oh, that reminds me: did you intend for that to be a long-term situation, now that your relationship with Karkat has been terminated, or…
LIZ: if we talk about karkat right now im going to commit seppuku on your dining room table
ROSE: Don’t be like that.
LIZ: im serious youre never gonna get the blood out of the carpet
LIZ: even if you do youll never be able to look at spaghetti with tomato sauce the same way again

Rose opens her mouth to speak, but her phone vibrates in her pocket, distracting her. She pulls it out.

ROSE: Speak of the devil, and she shall appear, slightly belated as it may be.
ROSE: Roxy’s asking about you– are you not answering her texts?
LIZ: genuine question whens the last time you heard of me answering a text message from anyone at all
LIZ: sometimes i dont even open the app i just leave the notification there so that i can look back at it guiltily instead of responding
LIZ: i got disqualified for that actually they were gonna give me the guinness world record for most people left on read but apparently that doesnt count
ROSE: That’s not something to brag about.
LIZ: im not bragging its my biggest shame
LIZ: i shouldve opened those messages and then still not responded to them
ROSE: I’m telling her that you’re safe in my dining room, and also that you’re sorry for not responding. Is there anything else you’d like to forward?
LIZ: uh

You swallow.

LIZ: tell her i said thanks for looking out for me i guess

Rose raises an eyebrow, but she types out the message and sends the text.

ROSE: This really is a big deal for you.
LIZ: thanks chairwoman obvious
LIZ: i thought you were smart but if youre only just now figuring that out i might have to move you down a few pegs on the iq ranking
ROSE: Okay, perhaps that one was earned, if slightly problematic.
ROSE: I knew it was a big deal. Your actions alone are enough for me to be sure of that.
ROSE: But now that I have you before me, and I’m actually hearing you speak for the first time in several months…
LIZ: i was at junes party
ROSE: Oh, my apologies. I’d assumed that you wanted that entire day struck from the record. After all, there was that line about cheetoes and presidents…
LIZ: point taken lets go back to not talking about that
ROSE: I’ll add it to the list.
ROSE: What I was getting at, though, is that you’ve grown a lot recently. You’re being honest on purpose, as opposed to honesty slipping out of you haphazardly whenever it serves to embarrass you most.
ROSE: Now, though, you’re actually telling people how much they mean to you.
ROSE: Granted, you’re doing it in a stunted and circuitous manner through a proxy, but still. It’s an accomplishment.
ROSE: I’m proud of you.

Well, alright. That seems like a bit much.

LIZ: now whos being gross
ROSE: Oh, have I jinxed it?
LIZ: yeah no its over
LIZ: im detransitioning now
LIZ: back into the closet for another 24 years
LIZ: maybe 48 year old liz wont fuck it up too bad
LIZ: now that i think about it maybe thats not a bad idea
LIZ: getting to skip straight to milfhood sounds like a pretty sweet deal
ROSE: Well, I suppose you haven’t changed that much, then. Your fixation on all matters maternal remains as firm and as relevant as ever.
LIZ: are you telling me you dont look forward to being a milf rose
LIZ: because if so i dont buy it you already dress like morticia adams which if you didnt know is 20 something code for “i want to be a goth mom so bad its killing me”

Rose pushes her palm to her forehead.

ROSE: You are aware of what MILF stands for, yes?
LIZ: obviously im not ten years old
ROSE: Right, of course. So you understand, then, that describing your sister as a MILF, even hypothetically, could easily be interpreted to mean–
LIZ: ok actually im done talking about this
ROSE: My restraint only goes so far, you know. If the list of topics I’m required to avoid grows much larger, I’m bound to slip every now and again.
ROSE: What exactly makes this subject verboten, Liz?

You sigh loudly, tilting your head upwards as you do.

LIZ: im not answering that

Rose crosses her arms.

ROSE: I suppose I can’t make you.
ROSE: If you’re going to shoot down all my lines of inquiry, though, I’m going to make you decide the topic of conversation.
ROSE: You agreed to talk with me for a reason, no? Jasprose gave me the impression that it didn’t require much convincing.

Not much from her, anyway.

ROSE: So. What’ll it be?

She makes a fair point. You did agree to talk with her, and while you didn’t necessarily commit to any specific subject matter when you were talking to Jasprose, the implication was certainly that you’d talk about the events of the past few days beyond an abridged dissociative recap. Now that you think about it, there’s another silver lining to the past few days: you only really have to be vulnerable about one thing. If it’s interesting enough, it’ll capture her attention, and you’ll be spared the consequences of the rest. For a while, at least.

LIZ: well
LIZ: you were in a dream i had

This appears to take her by surprise. It does feel nice to be able to throw Rose off her game a little, you think.

ROSE: Go on.
LIZ: i thought dream analysis was fake
ROSE: It is, but my curiosity is stronger than my integrity. Tell me about the dream.
LIZ: well it was less of a dream and more of a memory
LIZ: which is an extremely loaded and ominous statement that im not going to explain at this time please hold all questions until the end
ROSE: (Hmph.)
LIZ: but we were in new york city i think
LIZ: the old one not the earth c one
ROSE: Nova New York?
LIZ: did they really call it that
ROSE: Yes, but it’s not important. Keep talking about the dream.

She’s leaning forwards again. You’d make a remark about her being sort of intense, but at this point the interruptions are starting to bother you as much as her.

LIZ: right ok
LIZ: so it was you and me at a clothing store
LIZ: we were in our thirties i think and apparently i was a girl there too
LIZ: i found a dress there and i went into the changing room and like
LIZ: when i saw myself in it it was like i was cut in half
LIZ: i genuinely thought i was dying
LIZ: it was like all my life there had been this giant rubber band wrapped around my stomach tied the time i was born
LIZ: or when i landed i guess
LIZ: and every year i walked further away from it
LIZ: but it pulled tighter and tighter, ever so slowly
LIZ: and i guess i didnt notice until just then
LIZ: it finally came loose from where it was stuck and smacked me in the back
LIZ: and the place where it hit me still burns like hell

Click, click. Rose taps her nails on the table rhythmically, lost in thought.

LIZ: that was the whole memory
LIZ: there were others but they didnt have you in them really so you probably dont care

Your light jab at her ego doesn’t really seem to register. The both of you are silent for a moment.

ROSE: What makes you call it a memory, exactly?
LIZ: do i have to answer that
ROSE: It would make things a lot easier if you did.

Your breathing quickens a little. The phantom pain tingles under your skin. You remind yourself that there isn’t any glass there.

LIZ: wish i had a way to explain it that didnt make me sound like a dumbass
LIZ: but it was a timehearty thing

Rose tilts her head in confusion, but then it clicks.

ROSE: Davepeta?
LIZ: thats the one
LIZ: i conveniently skipped over this earlier but after our fight at the party they like
LIZ: man i dont even know how to describe it
LIZ: it was like a baseball bat to the cranium but instead of a bat it was gender dysphoria and instead of my head it was my soul
LIZ: i saw a lot of different versions of me

Your nails dig into your arms, and you shrink a little in your seat.

ROSE: Were they all women?

You nod.

Rose’s tone remains careful, though not quite clinical. You’re grateful for that, at least– she’s definitely gotten better at not turning her friends into patients. Not that much better, but still.

ROSE: How long did it go on?
LIZ: a while
LIZ: linear time didnt really exist so it was hard to tell
LIZ: normally im attuned to that shit but i dont think i was even really a person when it was happening
LIZ: all i could do was feel

Rose frowns, though her expression remains contemplative.

ROSE: I–

Her phone begins to vibrate again– another series of texts.

ROSE: Christ. I really should turn this thing off, let me–

Rose sighs when she sees who’s calling.

ROSE: Shit. I’m sorry Liz, I completely forgot. Kanaya and I are having some coworkers from the caverns over for a meeting today, and Kanaya’s going to bring them here any minute.

You bite your cheek. Rose gets out of her seat, and you mirror her.

LIZ: its cool
LIZ: i can head out well pick this up later
ROSE: That might be best, but–

She makes eye contact with you. Something goes through her head that you can’t quite track.

ROSE: Actually, it’s fine. I’ll just greet everyone, and then we can head upstairs.
LIZ: rose really its cool i can just fuck off
ROSE: No, I want to talk about this some more. It’s important.

She lightly places her hand on your arm.

ROSE: You know where my office is, right? Up the stairs, second door on the left?
LIZ: yeah i got it
ROSE: I’ll just be a few minutes. I need to quickly tidy things up and say hello to everyone, but my presence at the meeting itself is largely pointless.
ROSE: You could say hi to Kanaya first, if you like, but she won’t be alone, and–
LIZ: id rather shove my head in a blender than talk to random strangers right now yeah
ROSE: I thought that might be the case.
LIZ: see you in a minute i guess

She pats you on the shoulder, and you walk towards the stairs. As you reach the top, you hear the front door open– so much for Rose getting some cleaning in–and you pick up the pace, scurrying towards Rose’s office and closing the door behind you, nervous energy bouncing back and forth in your chest.

It’s messier in here than you expected. Against the left wall is a futon carrying various pillows, blankets, and laundry tangled up in a heap. On the right is Rose’s desk, where a laptop with a dirty screen sits surrounded by a coterie of dirty dishes, pill bottles, books, and the post-it notes that failed to adhere to the bulletin board on the wall above the desk. A lone window lights the room, the evening sun illuminating the specks of dust that float in the air.

You’re not sure that you’ve been in here since Rose moved in. You’d offered to help her move her furniture, and she accepted; of course, the infinite storage capacity of June’s father’s wallet made the actual process of moving the furniture rather trivial, and you mostly just stood around and watched uselessly as Rose ordered June to move various pieces of furniture left and right.

You take a deep, shaky breath, and sit down on the edge of the futon.

It’s not like you hadn’t thought about it at all in the past few days. The memories creep back in as soon as there’s nothing holding them back, slow yet sturdy. Once it happens, it’s useless to resist, and so you don’t try. You just sink into them until something distracts you or you fall asleep.

The latter doesn’t really seem feasible at the moment– your heart is slamming around in your ribcage, and your breaths aren’t quite shallow enough to asphyxiate you just yet. It’s impossible not to be at least a little angry at yourself; after all, these are good memories, even if they aren’t yours. Shouldn’t you be encouraged? It’s not like most of these are things you can’t have. You’re doing the work to get them right now, even.

Or, at least, that’s what you tell yourself to calm down. It’s not working right now, though. A day ago, it was easy. You had momentum, and you didn’t actually have to talk about it in detail. Roxy was happy to entertain unrelated conversation, and you could just push it all back. Seal it all up for later. But it’s later now, it would seem. You took the cat out of the bag, and it’s biting and scratching.

LIZ: i really dont need this right now

It’s how you feel, though. Doubt coils in your stomach. If this is how it feels to be a girl, to actually talk about who you are, then what’s even the point? Why drag yourself through a bed of nails just so that you can patch up all the puncture wounds later? Shouldn’t you just cut your losses?

LIZ: it hasnt even been a week yet man

It can’t be constructive to call yourself “man.” It’s basically self-harm.

LIZ: like i just said its been three fucking days
LIZ: cant i get a grace period for the vocabulary shit

Maybe. How long would it last, though? That’s the point you’re getting at, even if you won’t admit it: you don’t have the stamina for this. It’s exhausting, and it’s only going to get worse. Rose is going to push you, and you’re going to break and do some insane stalker shit again, except this time you won’t have people looking out for you.

LIZ: you dont believe that

Don’t you?

LIZ: like an hour ago you were saying the opposite
LIZ: youre flip flopping like youre hillary clinton dude
LIZ: maybe the only reason im exhausted is because youre a contrarian dipshit who wont shut the fuck up

It’s only you in here, dude. Look inward.

LIZ: whats your argument
LIZ: im the problem? thats what ive been fucking saying glad you finally caught up
LIZ: i cant even hate myself the same way for more than an hour
LIZ: im like a washing machine on a trampoline and youre like a cinderblock inside
LIZ: im not stable at the best of times but its a team effort to wreck the fuck out of my insides

There’s another problem: your metaphor quality is at an all time low.

LIZ: you know what fine
LIZ: i hate myself so fucking bad
LIZ: its just constant
LIZ: i just want to not be myself for five seconds
LIZ: thats what all that shit on the set was you know i just didnt want to be me
LIZ: eventually it stopped working and now im not even just myself anymore
LIZ: its me and whatever the fuck you are which is even worse

Harsh.

LIZ: i dont want to hear it
LIZ: and i dont want to talk about it anymore either
LIZ: god rose really would have a field day if i told her about you youre just like her

How so?

LIZ: i thought you were me
LIZ: shouldnt you know

Sometimes it helps to say it out loud.

LIZ: here you fucking go again
LIZ: didnt you just say that i cant do any of this
LIZ: what do you care about helping

Isn’t that why you’re here in the first place? To get help?

LIZ: yeah it is but clearly you dont think its going to work
LIZ: and you know what youre right
LIZ: this is stupid and im a moron for doing it
LIZ: im leaving

Leaving to go where? Your thoughts are still going to follow you. You can’t get rid of yourself.

LIZ: maybe not but smoking weed is close enough
LIZ: if not then im sure earth cs got some crazy drugs i havent even heard of thatll do the job
LIZ: and if they dont i can hit myself over the head with a brick until i cant think anymore and youre gone
LIZ: anythings better than this

You walk towards the window. With trembling fingers, you unlatch and open it, letting warm evening air into the room. For a split second, it grounds you, but then you feel the sweat crawling out of your pores and any relief is gone.

You stick one leg out of the window, and then the door opens. You turn to face Rose, who is holding two cups of coffee. She stares at you with an expression you can’t quite read, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, she walks through the door and closes it, placing the coffee on her desk.

She sits down on the futon and pats the spot next to her. You hesitate. She waits patiently.

LIZ: ughhhhhh

You pull your leg back inside and close the window, then the curtains. The room grows dim.

ROSE: Come sit down, Liz.

You pointedly avoid her gaze, but you comply with her request, pushing a pillow to the side so that you can sit a foot to her left.

ROSE: I do apologize for taking so long. I have a habit of extracting myself from these kinds of gatherings, and Kanaya was a bit…

Rose looks to the side.

ROSE: Frustrated.
LIZ: i can leave if its a problem
ROSE: You’ve demonstrated your willingness to do so, yes.
ROSE: This is important to you, though. It was important for you to talk about this with me.
ROSE: Unless I’m mistaken?

You fidget with the pillow– its ends are frilly, and they slide between your fingers.

LIZ: i guess its kind of a big deal
ROSE: I thought so.
ROSE: Would you like to talk more about your dream? Or your memory, rather?

You swallow. Now’s your chance to put your money where your mouth is, Liz. Prove yourself wrong.

LIZ: not really but i think i have to

Rose nods.

LIZ: so i wasnt a person in the dream
LIZ: i was just an empty vessel
LIZ: and each time i saw a version of myself i got to feel full and whole
LIZ: not just some collection of gut reactions and shitty opinions but like a cohesive thing
LIZ: a machine that works and moves like its supposed to
LIZ: sometimes it hurt really fucking bad but it felt real
LIZ: at least until it left until i was empty again
LIZ: and i just went back and forth between being and not being and every single other version of me was so much brighter
LIZ: not all of them knew they were girls yet but they were on their way you know
LIZ: but eventually they were all gone and i was empty again
LIZ: i never noticed that i was empty before the dream
LIZ: or i did but i didnt know what it was
LIZ: i didnt know there was a point to that empty space inside me
LIZ: id been a shell for years and now i knew
LIZ: and i thought i knew how to fix it

You’re silent for a moment, so Rose speaks up.

ROSE: Is the fix transition?
LIZ: thats what i thought
LIZ: i was still miserable but at least i had hope right
LIZ: yeah im empty but now theres something i can do about it
LIZ: i just need a new name and a new gender and everythings going to be fine
LIZ: and like it worked a little
LIZ: like maybe two percent
LIZ: but even that much was enough for me to ruin my life
LIZ: between june and karkat and the fucking voices i have in my head now its becoming clear that i just dont have it in me
LIZ: i missed my chance and now theres too much wrong with me to fix

Your grip tightens on the pillow.

LIZ: im just broken forever
LIZ: and now i know that im broken forever and i just have to either live with that or throw myself off a bridge
LIZ: kind of on the fence right now not gonna lie

Rose sighs softly, then gently places her hand on yours. You turn to look at her– she’s staring off at the wall.

LIZ: i mean uh
LIZ: its cool im not actually gonna do that you dont need to like
LIZ: worry or put me on suicide watch or anything its chill
ROSE: I’m already worried, Liz.
LIZ: fuck
ROSE: Not because you said you were going to kill yourself.
ROSE: That doesn’t exactly help, mind you, but it’s not as though I’m unused to suicide threats.
ROSE: I’ve made a great many myself.
LIZ: ok well calling it a threat is a gross mischaracterization
LIZ: it was closer to a joke than a threat
ROSE: So you don’t want to kill yourself, then? Or are you suicidal strictly for ironic purposes.

You look down at your lap.

ROSE: Sorry, I don’t mean to scold you.
ROSE: It’s just… everything you’ve said is rather familiar. A bit too familiar for my comfort, even.
LIZ: yeah i guess we did kill ourselves together that one time
ROSE: It’s not even that.

Her grip tightens on your hand a little.

ROSE: I was suicidal from a very young age; in fact, I don’t know that I could tell you exactly when it started. It was just an inarguable fact of my life.
ROSE: One of my earliest memories is Google searching which of my mother’s various medications was most likely to kill me painlessly. I recall a faint sense of pride at being able to spell “acetaminophen” from memory.
LIZ: thats a little cute
ROSE: It sort of is, isn’t it?
ROSE: I do have a strange sort of nostalgia for that point in my life. Before transition, suicide felt like an easy answer to any question. To kill oneself is to cast aside all of one’s problems. It’s like overturning the chessboard instead of risking losing the game.
ROSE: Even after the Tumor killed us, I couldn’t quite shake the impulse. The threat of a doomed timeline dissuaded me from making any further attempts, but I couldn’t convince my brain that it wasn’t a valid option.
ROSE: I still can’t, sometimes. Often even a minor inconvenience is enough for me to entertain the notion, if only for a moment.
ROSE: Estrogen helped. So did bottom surgery.
ROSE: Talking about it helps, too.

You pull your hand away from hers, crossing your arms.

LIZ: its not helping though
LIZ: its making it worse
LIZ: like its great that it got easier for you eventually but you werent even a teenager when you figured out you were a girl
LIZ: im 24
LIZ: like even if were not talking about biology here theres another decade of bullshit bouncing around in my head that you just didnt have to deal with
LIZ: its just too late for me

Rose scoots a little closer to you. She’s looking at you again. You bite your lip to stop it from quivering.

ROSE: Liz. Do you really believe it’s too late?
LIZ: i dont know
LIZ: i feel like i do
ROSE: June only started transitioning a couple years ago. Did she only just barely make it past the cut-off point for “too late?”
ROSE: Is twenty-two just soon enough for womanhood to work for her?
LIZ: i dont know
LIZ: its not an age thing its just a feeling i have
LIZ: i just know its too late and theres nothing i can do

Rose leans in a little. There’s a trace of annoyance in her tone.

ROSE: Is there nothing you can do, or is that just something you’re telling yourself because it’s easier?
LIZ: im just not strong enough

Rose stands up from the futon. Clearly you’ve pushed her past her limit. Typical. Now she’ll leave, and then you’ll climb out the window again because you’re a coward, and–

Hm. Never mind. She walks across the room and inspects her desk, scanning it for something. After a moment, she grabs a pill bottle and walks back over to you, sitting back in her spot.

ROSE: I think your problem–well, one of them at least–is that you’re conceptualizing transition as one monumental task.
ROSE: It isn’t. It’s a series of small ones, and I’m going to prove it to you.

She opens the bottle, and takes out a tiny blue pill. She places it in her palm and extends it to you.

ROSE: Here.
LIZ: is this
ROSE: Yes. Estrogen.

You stare at it.

ROSE: I won’t lie to you. One dose isn’t really going to do anything on its own.
ROSE: But taking a pill is easy. Trivially so, for most.
ROSE: Regardless of how weak you claim to be, this is something you can do. It’s something you could do every day, even. Twice a day, if need be.
ROSE: It’d be a miniscule amount of labor.

Your mouth is dry.

ROSE: They say you’re supposed to take it sublingually, but it actually doesn’t matter much either way. Swallowing it decreases the rate of consumption, but not the overall amount that you receive.
ROSE: I personally don’t bother– it’s an unpleasant sensation, after all.

…It really wouldn’t be difficult. It’s right there. Even if you break it down into a series of motions– take, place in mouth, swallow–it’s not really all that complicated. No amount of spiraling can convince you otherwise.

But you don’t want to test that hypothesis, so you take it.You snatch it out of her hand, quickly, and swallow it before you can think about it. It’s gone in an instant.

Neither of you say anything for several moments, but eventually Rose speaks up.

ROSE: How do you feel?

How DO you feel? You close your eyes. You focus on the fabric on your skin, and the sound of Rose’s breathing. There’s an air vent underneath the futon, and cool air brushes gently against your ankles. There’s someone mowing the lawn outside. There’s Rose, and there’s you, and there’s the estrogen bottle in your hand. Even in these three days alone, you’d managed to spend so much time catastrophizing about this. It felt impossible to do anything at all.

But then, without much fanfare, you took one of the biggest steps you could. And it was easy.

Perhaps that’s not fair. It wasn’t easy. It was incredibly fucking hard, because you only could have done it by surviving this entire conversation. You only barely managed it, but you did it. You actually did it.

You proved me wrong. Good work.

A sob bursts free of your mouth, and you can’t hold it in anymore.

ROSE: Oh, sweetheart.

You do everything you can to slam on the brakes, but now it really is too late. Your self control is gone, and you shudder with the force of it. For a moment, you think you’ll be able to hold yourself together, but then she puts her hand on your shoulder. The dam bursts.

You collapse into her arms, face wet. There’s nothing you can do but watch as your tears stain her dress, wet against her neck and shoulder.. Rose doesn’t seem to mind–though her body is tense with surprise at first, it quickly softens. She squeezes you tightly with one arm, and her free hand runs her hand through your hair gently.

ROSE: It’s going to be alright. I promise you that it’s going to be alright.

You cry even louder at that, shaking as she rubs your back. You can’t help it anymore. It’s the momentum– no amount of anxiety around vulnerability will stand in the way of this much built up anguish. It doesn’t matter how embarrassing it is anymore. You don’t have a choice but to feel it, and so you do: you keep feeling it, and the tears keep coming. Rose just holds you there, helping you drain it all out.

Over several minutes, you sort of awkwardly slide down her torso, and eventually readjust with your head resting on her lap. She keeps petting your hair as the sobs subside and the flow of tears slows to a trickle.

Rose repeats herself.

ROSE: It’s going to be alright.

You don’t know if it’ll last, but in that moment, you believe her. You believe her even when you eventually sit back up, and after she offers to let you stay in the guest room that night, and when you fall asleep. For those few hours, at least, that belief is enough.

Notes:

only one more! hope you enjoyed. if all goes well, i'll have the next chapter out on 4/13. no promises though, it might end up being longer than anticipated (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

Chapter 13

ROXY: dont be a h8r liz
LIZ: im not being a hater its just common sense
LIZ: im using my rational brain to come to these conclusions

A soft breeze blows through the air, carrying wayward leaves along with it. You and your friends walk with the wind to your backs, ushered gently forward. Your eyes scan the horizon– a handful of smaller skyscrapers can be seen off in the distance, as well as a temple or four to the gods. It’s a little off-putting, being in a place where so much is dedicated to your worship, but what did you expect? It’s Salt Lake City.

ROXY: they say that on reddit too but that doesnt make it anythin other than grade a bona fide h8ing
LIZ: did you just call me reddit
ROXY: i mite have
ROXY: what r u goin 2 do abt it :3
LIZ: it takes one to know one motherfucker
LIZ: only one of us here has a dedicated subreddit and it sure as fuck isnt me
ROSE: I wouldn’t be so sure, Liz.
ROSE: Last I checked, you had a small but devoted community on that website dedicated to analyzing your social media accounts.
ROSE: Apparently, your months-long pause in posting is indicative of a deep inner conflict within you, one that is sure to be resolved on a date deciphered from a complex equation put together from your past twelve “Stoned Sunday” Twitter threads.
LIZ: no way thats sick as fuck
LIZ: its like my own personal qanon this is the best day of my life
LIZ: can you send me a link i gotta see this
ROSE: No, I can’t. I made it up.

You let out a dramatic sigh of disappointment. Roxy cackles and Rose snickers, but Kanaya–who has been here the whole time, but has remained silent–doesn’t say anything. She just looks at her phone.

LIZ: seriously though its not being a hater to point out that four months is a crazy short amount of time to edit a movie
LIZ: its three and a half hours long that shit takes forever
LIZ: theres no way to do it that fast without dropping the ball somewhere
ROXY: no way 4 YOU 2 do it
ROXY: davepetas a veteran tho
LIZ: theyve literally made two movies and one of them is this one
ROXY: it was a rly good movie tho! that coulda been all they needed
ROXY: liek they could just be rlly efficient and only filmed xactly what they need
LIZ: im one hundred percent confident that is untrue
ROXY: o yea? how do u kno

You turn to her and raise an eyebrow. Roxy flinches with realization and turns away.

ROXY: rite my bad
ROXY: but ok hear me out
ROXY: maybe they went to like a cinema monastery (cinemonastery) way hi up in the hollywood hills
ROXY: the ghosts of like scorsese and hitchcock and whoever else were all gathered there and taught them everything there is 2 kno
ROXY: abt the movie majykks
ROXY: and then they came back and with 1 single keystroke the movie came out of adobe premiere innocent and pure n completely perf in every way
ROXY: n so now the movies gonna be the best thing ever made
ROSE: They’re also a god of time, so that may have played a part in things.
ROXY: yea or that

You sigh. It’s been a little while, but the thought of time travel has once again become an unpleasant one for you. Or maybe it never stopped being unpleasant, but now you’re actually thinking about your past in relation to your current self? It’s hard to tell, these days. One might think that being a goddess of Time would grant you better memory of the past, but your recordkeeping this past decade or so has been pretty poor. It’s another thing you’re working on, you guess.

ROXY: neway im bein a bit of a bitch abt it but i do think were maybe puttin the cart b4 the horse w all this stuff abt the movie suckin
ROXY: we havent seen it yet! thats the whole reason were here
LIZ: when did i ever say the movie sucks
ROXY: im like 99 percent sure u said it was going to
ROXY: n i quote
ROXY: gargle balls
LIZ: i said the editing was going to gargle balls dude thats totally different
LIZ: the rest of its probably going to be pretty good
JADE: wow liz, that was almost a compliment! im flattered!

You jump at the sudden sound of Jade’s voice, but a quick examination of your surroundings explains her appearance: you’ve arrived at your destination, the Pundance Film Festival. It’s not a good name, but apparently Davepeta couldn’t think of anything better.

JADE: ive gotta say though i dont think theres any ball gargling on tonights agenda
JADE: well i guess it depends on how much the critics like it! who knows, maybe rodjer eebert and i might have a private evening together ;)
LIZ: gross

Jade greets Rose and Roxy with a hug. She gives Kanaya one, too, which seems to surprise her enough to jolt her back into the conversation. You awkwardly nod in Jade’s direction, and she smiles at you, fangs bared.

JADE: im really glad you guys could make it though, its super important to vivi that everyone come
JADE: and you all look great too!! really dressed to impress
JADE: i love your dress liz!

You look away. It’s not as though the flattery is unappreciated– you’re wearing a long, tight-fitting sleeveless black dress, held up by one diagonal strap on your left shoulder. Other than that, you’re wearing fishnets and a pair of hand-me-down boots Rose suggested you wear. Also at Rose’s suggestion, you’re donning some of her jewelry– a couple wristbands and a ruby pendant that matches the thin red frames of your new cat-eye sunglasses. It’s the fanciest non-suit getup you’ve ever worn, and you’re still not sure exactly how to feel about it. Jade’s compliment certainly serves to nudge your opinion towards approval, though.

LIZ: thanks
LIZ: uh yours is cool too

Jade smiles wider. Her dress is rather pretty– it’s a deep shade of, well, jade, with a tight waistband and long flowing sleeves. Now that you’re thinking about it, all of you are leaning into your iconic colors: Roxy is wearing a pink and black polkadotted sundress, as well as a dramatic pink sunhat; Rose is wearing a long black dress that somewhat resembles your own, but with the added flair of long plum-colored opera gloves; and Kanaya’s dress is a black long and flowing sheath dress with a dark green ribbon tied around the waist.

It occurs to you that you don’t remember ever paying this much attention to others’ outfits before, let alone your own. It’s a bit embarrassing to conform to gender stereotypes in that way, but there’s an excitement to it all that motivates you. Perhaps before the subject only served to make you more miserable, but now… well, each outfit is a reminder of a new possibility. It’s nice.

ROSE: Liz? Are you coming?

You realize that you’ve been standing perfectly still thinking about outfits for multiple entire minutes, and now the conversation has moved indoors. You blink twice and follow Rose into the theatre lobby.

The lobby itself is quite a bit larger than you would have expected. The absence of tacky posters and cardboard cutouts shouldn’t come as a surprise–it’s a fancy theater for aristocrats, after all–but even still it serves to put you more on edge than you might otherwise be. Actors, executives, and other elites of the Earth C cinema scene socialize and mingle with those who worked on the film itself. You recognize a few of the faces, though you certainly don’t remember any of their names. You also recognize Dirk, who is apparently here, and who is also walking towards you. Great.

DIRK: Sup bro.
LIZ: man we like
LIZ: just had a conversation about this
DIRK: Shit, right, sorry. Sup sis.
LIZ: its not the same dude youre just gonna have to live without convenient shorthand for “woman im friends with”
LIZ: you can manage
DIRK: I understand completely. Let it be known that I take this blow to my record of allyship with total grace and dignity, and that I resolve to be a better ally in the future. I fucked up to an unimaginable degree, and–
LIZ: if youre doing a bit right now its not working
DIRK: Ok.

It’s been really weird talking to this guy recently. He’s never been the best at communicating at the best of times, but now that you’re a woman his ineptitude has gone from “a little irritating at worst” to “a breeding ground for microaggressions.”

DIRK: I think if you gave me a little bit more time it would have entered “so obnoxious that it wraps back around to being funny” territory, but I guess it’s my fault for not getting there fast enough.
DIRK: My bad.
LIZ: i dont know why my gender has to be a federal fucking issue with you every time dude its like
LIZ: it literally doesnt have to be a big deal
DIRK: Right.

He isn’t even like this with June or Rose, is the worst part. It’s just you. Something about his blood relative specifically being a girl just does not seem to gel with whatever is going on in this guy’s brain. It’s agonizing.

LIZ: like im a woman now and we can all just be normal about that
LIZ: everyone else is being normal
DIRK: Am I being abnormal? Like, more abnormal than usual?
DIRK: I was under the impression that my weirdness about this was about on par with my weirdness about everything else.
LIZ: it might be but like
LIZ: dude i just do not have the patience for this right now can you just go read whipping girl or something instead of getting on my case
DIRK: Right, sorry.
DIRK: I just have one more question, though.

Dude.

LIZ: ok whatever
DIRK: And when I ask this, I need you to understand that I’m asking from a place of total and complete good faith. I’m like the opposite of an internet troll right now. A genuine, honest-to-god good samaritan trying to be as woke as he can in this messed up world.
LIZ: just ask it man
DIRK: Right, yeah. I know “bro” and “dude” are off limits, but is “you guys” fine? I don’t always feel like a “y’all” kind of dude, and sometimes I want to mix it up. That should be cool, right? It’s not misgendering?
LIZ: im going to go talk to jade now
LIZ: bye dirk
DIRK: Ok. Bye.

A conversation with Jade doesn’t actually sound much better than one with Dirk, but your options are kind of limited. Rose, Kanaya and Roxy have filtered off into the crowd somewhere, and you know Jade’s hearing is good enough for her to have overheard you using her as an out from that conversation. It’s either you commit or hurt her feelings, and you’re really trying to minimize how much you do the latter these days. For the most part, that’s meant avoiding her, but if tonight is any indication that’s not going to be a possibility forever.

So you go over and say hello.

LIZ: hey
JADE: hi liz!
JADE: i didnt mean to eavesdrop but umm
JADE: that was kind of a rough conversation with dirk huh
LIZ: i–
JADE: dont make a joke about me saying rough
LIZ: i wasnt gonna
LIZ: i mean i was going to comment on it because like
LIZ: i thought youd dropped that word for good
LIZ: one more casualty in the war against setting everyone up for easy dog jokes
LIZ: mourned in a graveyard alongside bark ball and bone
JADE: i only did that because YOU wouldnt stop making those jokes!
JADE: everyone else understands that youre supposed to stop teasing people when they tell you to stop!

You fiddle with one of your wristbands.

LIZ: yeah ive been kind of a dick
LIZ: im working on it
LIZ: im sorry

Jade blinks and tilts her head a little.

JADE: oh um
JADE: i mean its not actually that big of a deal, i was just playing up my annoyance a little
JADE: dont make those jokes but you know its ok

You nod, and Jade rubs her neck.

LIZ: so uh
LIZ: movies right
JADE: yep! they sure are… something

You look down at the floor, and Jade sighs.

JADE: this sucks liz.
LIZ: i know
JADE: i really dont want things to be like this!!
JADE: its been months, cant we just have a normal conversation like normal grown adults
LIZ: i mean im with you on this one
LIZ: were fucking it up pretty bad

Jade sighs.

JADE: maybe its because im still kind of mad at you?

You open your mouth, then close it. Recently, you’ve been making an attempt to actually internalize some of the observations you make about others. One key discovery you’re trying to integrate into your behavior is that people don’t really like to be interrupted. Another is that sometimes people aren’t done talking when they stop talking, which sounds kind of fake. Like, you can take time to formulate your thoughts instead of just letting them tumble out of you one after another like a broken gumball machine, it turns out, and that’s probably what Jade is doing right now. So you don’t say anything.

JADE: you apologized and all, and i really appreciate that, but i dont know…
JADE: its weird! youve changed so much recently and im really happy for you
JADE: but the last thing i remember from you before that change is you being a real shithead!
JADE: so now its like ive got these two competing versions of you in my head and i just cant square that circle
JADE: i dont know.

You wait a little bit. It seems like she’s done.

LIZ: i mean like
LIZ: have i really changed that much

Jade raises an eyebrow.

LIZ: ok yeah stupid question
LIZ: ive changed a ton obviously
LIZ: its at the point where sometimes i dont really think of my past self as me anymore
LIZ: sometimes ill see a picture of myself and for a second im just looking at some weird loser with a pair of tacky glasses before its like
LIZ: oh shit thats me
LIZ: or like its a person that most people think of as the person who became the me i am now
LIZ: but its not like theres two separate versions of me that showed up in sequence
LIZ: like im not dave 2 the squeakuel right im like episode one billion of the liz strider show
LIZ: youve got the episode with the depressed stalker dude hiding in the rafters and the ova with girl in the cool dress in front of you and then theres like a million points in between

Jade frowns.

JADE: i didnt see most of those points, though
JADE: weve barely talked recently
JADE: its like i missed the liz train and now im supposed to catch up!
LIZ: thats what binge watching is for i guess
JADE: i dont know if binge watching is for me…

You cross your arms.

LIZ: ok maybe im losing the plot here but is that you metaphorically saying that you dont want to be friends with me anymore

A bit of a whine creeps out of Jade’s lungs, and her ears flatten.

JADE: no! i really do still want to be friends
JADE: what you did was weird and bad but it wasnt something i want to end a whole friendship over
JADE: i guess its just that i dont know where to start?
JADE: clearly things are going to be different now, because youre different
JADE: and i mean im different too! even if were not talking about gender weve both changed soooo much since we were thirteen
JADE: i dont know how we fit together anymore!
JADE: i dont know what it looks like for liz and jade to be friends

You tap your fingers rhythmically on your arm.

LIZ: thats the sort of thing you figure out by being friends
LIZ: i assume anyway i havent talked to a single new person who counted as a friend since i was sixteen actual years old
LIZ: the closest thing i have to an earth c adult bestie is one of the baristas whos always smoking weed at the local coffeeshop
LIZ: and thats not a friendship thats just like a mutual respect
LIZ: actually maybe just a one way respect i just really love how he doesnt give a fuck
LIZ: im in my giving a fuck arc now but before i woulda killed to be that cool and apathetic
LIZ: i missed my chance jade ill never be as cool as that guy
JADE: do you even know his name??
LIZ: i probably did at some point but i forgot
JADE: ok yeah that definitely doesnt count as making new friends!!

Jade rolls her eyes.

JADE: you really need to get out more liz… its not healthy to just sit around and talk to the same people all day!
JADE: honestly its a little embarrassing…

You bite your cheek. Here she goes.

JADE: its not like i dont understand of course, i definitely struggled to meet people too, but i was sooo much happier once i got my shit together!

You should probably say something, you know.

JADE: i could probably introduce you to some people… it might be a little weird, most of my friends are also friends with vivi, but im sure we could work something out!
JADE: maybe a group hangout would be a good way to stretch those conversational muscles
LIZ: ok so this is actually a pretty awesome segue into the meat of what i was trying to get at earlier
LIZ: we can both agree that our friendship was pretty shitty right
JADE: i dont know… we had some good times
LIZ: ok but we can agree it was flawed
JADE: yeah…
LIZ: and if were going to still be friends
LIZ: (which is something i want to do still to be clear i dont want to give the wrong impression)
LIZ: were going to have to actually address those flaws or its just going to be the same bullshit again
JADE: i totally agree!
LIZ: cool were on the same page
LIZ: so with that said can you cool it on the whole moralistic lecturing thing

Jade frowns. You look away from her puppy dog eyes. It’s not a thing she does intentionally, you don’t think, but it’s that exact expression of hurt that stopped you from bringing this up the past few times it was an issue.

LIZ: i get that i fuck up sometimes but im not a child
LIZ: were nearly the exact same age why we cant go one conversation without you scolding me
LIZ: ive talked about it with our friends too and everyone says youll just complain about me like im immature and misguided and shit
LIZ: which to be fair maybe i am those things but im working on it
LIZ: and rubbing my nose in the dirt doesnt actually do anything to fix it
LIZ: it just makes me feel bad

Her frown deepens. You continue pointedly not looking at her eyes.

JADE: i didnt know it was bothering you that much… im sorry liz
JADE: i just want to help! and it seems like you need a lot of it sometimes, and–

The sound of broken glass travels across the room. Jade’s eyes narrow as they quickly scan the room, finding the source of the sound in less than a second. You follow her gaze to see two carapacians engaged in what is rapidly becoming an all-out fist fight.

JADE: goddammit, i told vivi not to invite both callous socialite and righteous craftsperson
JADE: this happens every time
JADE: sorry liz i gotta go take care of this. we can talk more later, ok?

Without waiting for an answer, she teleports across the room between the two with a bark. You lean against the wall and take a deep breath. That could have gone worse, you guess.

In the fifteen minutes or so since you entered, the lobby has nearly reached its capacity. All of the fancy white couches are filled with guests and the pristine clear tables are covered in counters and wine glasses. The ceiling is a bit lower than it should be for a room of this size after all, this is only the lobby, and the theatre has yet to open.

Reflexively, you look at the crowd again. You’re lucky (or unlucky, depending on how mean you’re being to yourself in a given moment) enough to be taller than most of the guests here,

You check your phone. There’s only thirty minutes until the show is set to start. You feel a little too warm in here.

ROXY: do u think dps running late

Roxy’s sudden appearance by your side startles you out of what was likely the start of an anxiety spiral.

ROXY: i know theyre part god of time but like being half god of time makes u hella late to everything
LIZ: youre going to have to explain this one to me
ROXY: yea i figured
ROXY: so its like theyve only got control of half of time
ROXY: and the half theyve got is the back half
ROXY: which ofc encompasses the future n also being late 2 shit
LIZ: i dont even know how to yes and you with this one its just not anything
ROXY: yeaaa thats tru
ROXY: i kinda just wanted u to forget i called davepeta dp
LIZ: you fucked that one up then
LIZ: kind of a gross thing to call them
ROXY: i guess so!

Roxy puts her hands behind her head and leans against the wall next to you.

ROXY: so howre u doin
ROXY: its been a minute since we talked 1 on 1
LIZ: right this second im trying to stop thinking about the last two conversations i just had
ROXY: yea u didnt look so hot comin out of whatever it was u n jade were talkin abt
LIZ: i couldve handled it if i hadnt been pinballed from a conversation with dirk right into the jade awkwardness zone
ROXY: that fuckin guy
ROXY: ill talk to him again if u need me 2 liz
ROXY: ill threaten him even im not afraid to kill 4 my poor transfeminine daughters
ROXY: or daughter ig since hes pretty much normal 2 rose
LIZ: its just me hes got a problem with

Roxy bumps you with her shoulder.

ROXY: i think hes got a problem with himself mostly
ROXY: but if he keeps making HIS problem UR problem then IM gonna have a problem if u kno what im sayin

You giggle a little, and Roxy smiles.

LIZ: thanks roxy
LIZ: like i mean it i dont think id have made it this far without you

Roxy looks away, uncharacteristically embarrassed.

ROXY: idk abt that
ROXY: i do my best but u dont gotta make a big deal abt it yk
ROXY: thats what familys for
LIZ: we were literally just talking about dirk being a dick
LIZ: family doesnt make it any easier to help people
LIZ: like yeah my genes are half yours but that doesnt make us the wonder twins
LIZ: or like a wonder mother daughter team i guess theres not really a lot of maternal bond focused superhero teams
LIZ: what im saying is that youre not uniquely attuned to my bullshit bc were family youre uniquely attuned to my bullshit because you care and you try really hard
LIZ: and im really glad that you do

Roxy hugs you tightly, squeezing the air out of your lungs. You’re overwhelmed by the scent of her perfume (and the lack of oxygen) for a moment before she releases you.

ROXY: ur way too nice 2 me lizzie
ROXY: i just cant take it
LIZ: im just saying shit that i shouldve been saying the whole time
LIZ: youre the nicest person i know roxy they should be throwing parades for you and shit
LIZ: or like different parades for better reasons because the ones they have now are just kind of weird
ROXY: it was kinda cute at first but yea idk if parades r 4 me
LIZ: ok then they should be throwing small somber celebrations for you
LIZ: maybe like a silent vigil
ROXY: but im not dead??
LIZ: well just like in advance
LIZ: like when you die in a billion years or whatever theres gonna be a lot of mourning to do so why not get a head start on it now
ROXY: ur so silly
LIZ: a little bit yeah
ROXY: ur extremely silly

You roll your eyes. Roxy returns to her place next to you on the wall.

ROXY: not 2 mix in a lil seriousness w/ all the silly but it does rly mean a lot 4 u to say all that
ROXY: ive been doin ok for a while but every1 else is goin tf thru it
ROXY: i do my best to help but theres only so much one ttly rad girl can do
ROXY: its easy to doubt myself but um
ROXY: u tellin me that im helping means the world
ROXY: luv u lizzie <3
LIZ: love you too

For a moment, the tension drains from your body. It’s nice to resolve a conversation in a way that doesn’t make you hate yourself for once.

ROXY: o shit i see june
ROXY: im gonna say hi
ROXY: do u wanna come with?

Well, so much for that. Your mouth is suddenly dry.

LIZ: im good
ROXY: rite rite
ROXY: well um
ROXY: i dont have to go talk to her if–
LIZ: nah

You say that a little louder than you mean to. You clear your throat and look away.

LIZ: its chill
LIZ: see you once the show starts
ROXY: yea ok!
ROXY: bye liz

Roxy half-jogs over to the other half of the room. You can’t actually see June from here, but you also aren’t looking too closely. Your new sunglasses aren’t quite as opaque as the previous ones, and you don’t want to risk accidental eye contact.

You check your phone. The festival is set to officially start in twenty-one minutes. Are the doors ever going to open? Are you doomed to have one awkward, emotionally draining conversation after another in this infinite purgatory? Was this Davepeta’s sick, evil plan all along?

A loud screeching noise crackles through the lobby, cutting short whatever conversations may have been taking place.

DAVEPETA: B33 < ##tention efurrybody! t#e festival will clawmence f##y soon! plea#e proc33d to your seat# po#thas#e!

They’re barely intelligible, but the message gets across. The doors to the theatre swing open, and the numerous guests begin to flood in. Rose sidesteps out of the crowd towards you.

ROSE: Ready?
LIZ: yeah
ROSE: It’s alright if you aren’t. I know we’ve talked about the subject a ridiculous amount, but you really don’t have to watch the movie. Nobody would blame you.
LIZ: jade probably would
ROSE: That’s her problem, then.
ROSE: It’s your choice.

Here’s your last chance. Do you really want to do this? It’s certainly going to be a trigger for you. You’re risking a lot of the stability you’ve worked hard to build over the past few months.

LIZ: i think i need to do this

Fair enough. Good luck, then.

ROSE: Shall we?

She extends her gloved hand. Reluctantly, you take it, doing your best to ignore the smugness radiating out from Rose. She’s always been this way, but lately she’s taken a special sort of satisfaction in being a source of comfort for you. It’s annoying; however, the comfort persists regardless, so you tolerate it. The two of you walk into the theatre.

You realize upon entering that theatre itself isn’t actually a movie theatre. Really, this should have been obvious–what movie theater has marble and chandeliers in its lobby–but this space is clearly made for opera, or at least for plays or something. There are a number of box seats on either wall, in addition to a large mezzanine above you (which, thanks to the limited attendance, is going entirely unused.) Rose nods towards one of the balconies, and the two of you fly upwards, careful to position your bodies at an angle as to avoid giving anyone below a view you wouldn’t want them to have. You learned that lesson the hard way, unfortunately.

The two of you land in your seats– each balcony only has three. You mostly flop into yours. It’s been an exhausting half hour or so. Rose pats you once on the head as she looks at her phone.

LIZ: isnt kanaya going to sit with us
ROSE: She said she’ll be in later. She had to take a call, apparently.

Her voice is a little cold, and you decide not to push it, instead choosing to occupy yourself by looking out into the crowd.

It’s a little uncomfortable being above everyone else, now that you think about it. You know that the box seats were reserved for “special guests,” but in practice it’s only resulted in putting the various gods of Earth C above its aristocracy. It makes you a little sick to think about, which is why you’re trying not to. Being literally above everyone else makes it kind of difficult, though.

You notice some movement on the other side of the theater. It’s Roxy waving at you, smile wide. You smirk and give a single wave back before realizing who Roxy is sitting next to.

It’s June. And Jasprose, she’s kind of hard to miss, but obviously it’s June who has caught your attention. She’s not looking at first, but then Jasprose nudges her, because of course she does, and then June turns to you, and you stare at each other for a moment.

The theatre most definitely does not go silent, but it might as well have. You feel stunned, petrified; it certainly doesn’t help that you can’t quite make out her expression from this distance. Maybe your sunglasses should be prescription? If you could just see her expression better, maybe your stomach would stop climbing up your throat. Or maybe you’d just die, because it’d be obvious that she was looking at you with disgust.

She smiles wide and waves at you, and suddenly your organs are back in place. Your own smile reveals your teeth, and you wave back more enthusiastically than you mean to. She giggles a little, and you sink back into your seat.

Rose doesn’t look up from her phone, but she smirks.

Maybe you’ll be fine, actually. Maybe the rest of the night will be okay.

DAVEPETA: B#< ##ould one expurremely s##cial guest li# #trider come to the projection tooth pawlea#e

You bury your face in your hands.

You can still get out of here, you know. It’s impolite, but you’ve behaved worse and gotten away with it. There were consequences, sure, but you weathered those well enough, right?

LIZ: i cannot get a fucking break today can i
ROSE: It seems not. Good luck.

It takes every ounce of strength you possess to extract yourself from the chair and fly over to the projection booth. You fly slowly towards it, groaning to yourself the whole time.

The booth itself appears to have been hastily constructed with SBURB tools. It’s just a giant cube wedged into the mezzanine with a glass window in the front. One would think a theater as fancy as this would have some sort of sound control booth or something, but apparently this place is–or was, now that Davepeta’s gotten to it–rather old fashioned.

You land on the mezzanine and knock on the door. It swings open, revealing Davepeta leaning back in an orange and green office chair, arms outstretched.

DAVEPETA: B33 < liz!!! im so delighted youve made an appurrance!
DAVEPETA: B33 < you look splendifurous, by the way B33
LIZ: yeah thanks
LIZ: you look uh
LIZ: busy

That’s one word for it. Davepeta’s outfit looks like something halfway between a bouquet of roses and a kindergartener’s art project– purple and pink pastel frills layered over each other and pointing in every direction, floral patterns layered over each other to form an unintelligible mess. It might look pretty on someone else, but the contrast between their trademark orange and lime and the pastels of the dress reminds you more of a modern artist’s visual representation of an acid trip.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im choosing to take that as a clawmpliment
LIZ: be my guest
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats silly, youre my guest
DAVEPETA: B33 < why dont you come loaf on this chair of mine

The chair beside them is red, instead of their orange and green. They planned this.

LIZ: yeah alright

You sit down. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

DAVEPETA: B33 < sooooo
DAVEPETA: B33 < on a scale from one to a trillion how excited are you for the mewvie
DAVEPETA: B33 < one is “purretty excited” and one trillion is “im litterally dying of excitement please take me to the pawspital”
LIZ: maybe like a three or a four
DAVEPETA: B(( < awww what
LIZ: you set the minimum way too high dude
LIZ: im already doing you a favor by not going into the negatives

They put a hand to their chest.

DAVEPETA: B33 < youre tearing me apurrt liza
LIZ: dont call me that
DAVEPETA: B33 < not even fur tommy hisseau refurences?
LIZ: especially not for those
DAVEPETA: B33 < drat
DAVEPETA: B33 < jade wouldnt let me sneak any into the script you know! i have to get them in where i can

You grab your forearm and look out towards the stage.

LIZ: did you just call me up here to make the room jokes or was there an actually good reason for this
DAVEPETA: B33 < it was only like 5 purrcent fur the room jokes
DAVEPETA: B33 < the rest is serious business!
LIZ: can we skip to that then

Davepeta spins in their chair twice before planting their legs on the ground, stopping the spin and facing you directly.

DAVEPETA: B33 < alright then
DAVEPETA: B33 < serious talk no more chitter catter
DAVEPETA: B33 < my furst serious question:
DAVEPETA: B33 < howve you b33n?

You stare at them, lips pursed.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im being fur real right now!
DAVEPETA: B33 < we havent talked in w33ks and youve clearly b33n through a ton of huge changes!
DAVEPETA: B33 < its impurrtant to me

You scoff.

LIZ: dont you know what happened already
LIZ: you can see everything from every version of me
LIZ: that includes the me sitting right in front of you
DAVEPETA: B33 < i can s33 every version of every liz
DAVEPETA: B33 < and also efurry nepeta!
DAVEPETA: B33 < but that doesnt mean i do see it all
DAVEPETA: B33 < i have to choose to look, and i didnt

Oh, well that’s reassuring. Certainly believable, this birdcat is.

You sigh, and the corner of Davepeta’s mouth turns downwards.

LIZ: fine
LIZ: if you really want to hear ill tell you all about it
LIZ: i woke up in your shitty backyard and nearly blew up my entire social life because i had no idea how to cope with any of the shit you put in my head
LIZ: i still cant fucking cope with most of it
LIZ: its like fifty rubber balls bouncing around in my head at all times
LIZ: and i swear to god if you make a joke about balls i am going to throw us both out the window

Davepeta puts their hands up.

DAVEPETA: B33 < j33z, i wasnt going to!
DAVEPETA: B33 < not efurryone immediately thinks of genitails when they hear the word balls you know
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats just a you pawblem

You roll your eyes, even though they’ve got a point. Not to distract you too much, but there are certainly some implications there worth considering.

LIZ: the point is that ive got a lot of shit going on and its at least half your fault

Davepeta lowers both arms, and starts examining their claws.

DAVEPETA: B33 < if were chalking up purrcentages i think we should take into account the amount of shit i bailed you out of
DAVEPETA: B33 < you were purretty depressed!
LIZ: im still pretty depressed
DAVEPETA: B33 < sure but now youre on estrogen!
DAVEPETA: B33 < depresstrogen (trying to clawpyright that one hasnt gone through yet) is a whole other meowbeast
LIZ: i thought you werent watching my life
LIZ: how do you know about the estrogen
DAVEPETA: B33 < you dont need honed predator eyes like mine to s33 youre growing breasts girl

Embarrassed, you cover your chest with one arm.

LIZ: can you not stare at my tits

Davepeta cackles.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i wasnt staring! just a quick glance here and there B33
DAVEPETA: B33 < and besides i could tell even without looking, ive got a pawerful kitty nose
DAVEPETA: B33 < diffurent hormones make girls smell diffurent!
LIZ: ok so you actually invited me up here to be a creep about my transition awesome

You stand up.

LIZ: im gonna go then if thats what were doing

DAVEPETA: B33 < nono im sorry! ill stop, i was just trying to be affurming
LIZ: i feel like anyone whos met me wouldve figured out i probably dont want to be objectified
LIZ: its kind of a given for someone who is half me

Davepeta stands up as well. They reach out towards your arm, and you step back.

DAVEPETA: B(( < look
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont think i know you as well as i thought i did
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats part two of my serious business, i wanted to apawlogize
DAVEPETA: B33 < im just really bad at it

You roll your eyes again. Your head turns back out towards the crowd.

LIZ: no shit

You look back towards your seat. Kanaya has returned, and she and Rose sit next to each other wordlessly. It occurs to you that you might know exactly who Kanaya has been talking to this entire time.

LIZ: but uh
LIZ: thats a thing weve still got in common so

You sit back down.

LIZ: i guess ill hear you out

Davepeta smiles, and sits themself. You’re really bad at taking your opportunities to leave, aren’t you? It works to your benefit occasionally, but you get so many outs, and you just never, ever take them.

DAVEPETA: B33 < does she ever give you a break
LIZ: who
LIZ: kanaya?
DAVEPETA: B33 < what? no
DAVEPETA: B33 < nefurmind thats what business part thr33 is for
DAVEPETA: B33 < apology furst

Davepeta taps their pointer fingers together, and a green blush sparkles in their cheeks.

DAVEPETA: B33 < it was purrobably a bad idea to try to make you ascend all at once
LIZ: ascend
DAVEPETA: B33 < its a whole ultimate self thing we really dont have the time to get into it
DAVEPETA: B33 < i just wanted you to s33 efurrything i s33
DAVEPETA: B33 < or at least enough of it fur you to fill in the gaps yourself
DAVEPETA: B(( < i think it mostly just pawmitized you though

Turning “traumatized” into a cat pun kind of diminishes the apology as a whole. Just saying.

DAVEPETA: B33 < even if it did help you figure out you were a cute girl all along
LIZ: yeah i
LIZ: ughhh
LIZ: you have no idea how much i want to give you the middle finger right now
DAVEPETA: B33 < i kind of do but continue
LIZ: yeah i guess you do huh
LIZ: so you can really appreciate that im not doing that
LIZ: and instead im saying
LIZ: thank you
DAVEPETA: B:33 < !!!
LIZ: for the apology mostly
LIZ: but also

You think back to that night four months ago. In the time since then, the details have worn away or distorted, and the memories have drawn closer to the territory of dreams, but the feeling remains clear.

Oh.

Don’t say it. Come on. You can think of something better to say than the thing you just thought of saying. Please.

LIZ: i mean

Come on. Do it for me. We’ve got to have a sense of dignity. Aren’t you supposed to be cool?

LIZ: you cant make an omelette without cracking a few eggs

Ugh. Davepeta smiles wide, because of course they do. Disgusting.

DAVEPETA: X33 < h33h33h33h33!!!
DAVEPETA: B33 < you really have changed so much it makes me so happy
LIZ: ok but thats not going to be a regular thing
LIZ: like lets be clear i only said that because im about to apologize for my own behavior and i wanted to do you a solid ok
LIZ: thats just me buttering you up its not like
DAVEPETA: B33 < of coarse of coarse youre still totally cool
DAVEPETA: B33 < i understand B33c
LIZ: youre kind of saying that in a way that makes me think you dont actually but whatever
LIZ: im sorry for um
LIZ: lets see

You look at your hand, and begin counting on your fingers.

LIZ: im sorry for being weird and shitty about you being a composite entity comprised of both a twice dead timeline version of me and a dead troll girl i never met
DAVEPETA: B33 < troll boy actually!
LIZ: adding an apology for misgendering onto the pile
LIZ: while were on that actually uh
LIZ: i mean
LIZ: i was pretty shitty to you

Davepeta rolls their eyes.

DAVEPETA: B// < you were
DAVEPETA: B33 < but im ofur it
DAVEPETA: B33 < i think youve gotten your fair share of squirts from the spray bottle from jade
LIZ: yyyyeah

You look to the side.

LIZ: i dont
LIZ: lets not talk about jade
DAVEPETA: B33 < aww what! but were doin a f33lings jam! no holds barred!
LIZ: yeah thats not really what this is
LIZ: or like ok i guess its technically a feelings jam and if you want to put it down in the books as one i cant stop you
LIZ: but that doesnt mean im just going to be wide open for you
LIZ: im still mad you know
LIZ: i have to deal with the weird rose clone you put in my brain every day of my life im not just gonna move on from that

Davepeta tilts their head, then untilts it as they realize exactly what it is you’re talking about.

DAVEPETA: B33 < oh, that
DAVEPETA: B33 < well, thats serious business number thr33
DAVEPETA: B3? < i was going to ask you about that

Oh, interesting.

LIZ: what do you mean you were going to ask me
LIZ: she only showed up after you did all of that shit are you telling me you arent responsible
DAVEPETA: B33 < brain ghosts arent really my territory! i dont even know how id go about putting rose in your head

You cross your arms.

LIZ: thats bullshit
LIZ: why else would she be here
DAVEPETA: B// < i dont know what you want me to say! mea tulpa? it wasnt me!!
DAVEPETA: B33 < at least i didnt do any magic powers stuff to put her there
LIZ: so what
LIZ: shes not magic
LIZ: its just me?

Davepeta taps their chin.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont know if id cross out magic right away, its unfurtunately real as shit and its hard to get away from with us :/
DAVEPETA: B33 < but i will say that theres plenty of non magical people with voices in their head
DAVEPETA: B33 < its purrfectly normal!

“Normal” seems like a bit of a stretch.

DAVEPETA: B33 < ok, fair point
LIZ: what
LIZ: can you hear her
DAVEPETA: B33 < only sometimes! i can f33l her emotions
DAVEPETA: B33 < same way i can f33l yours, its a heart thing
LIZ: awesome
LIZ: no yeah this is incredible i just have to deal with rose lecturing me for the rest of my life this is great

It kind of sounds like you don’t think it’s great.

LIZ: of course i dont youre fucking mean
LIZ: i hate myself enough as it is i dont need you adding fuel to the fire

Is there really any distinction between my self-hatred and your own, at this point? It wasn’t a lie when I said that it’s all you. I’m you. We’re the same.

LIZ: so what im just half rose now

You kind of always were.

LIZ: i
LIZ: yeah
LIZ: whatever

The projector booth is silent for a while. Davepeta sits awkwardly in their chair, rubbing their arm. Now that you’ve processed the reality of the situation, it’s almost reassuring to discover that even they don’t know what to do about this. Perhaps reassuring isn’t the right word. Satisfying, maybe? It’s satisfying to have a problem that they don’t know how to handle. Shows how much they know, right? We’re a step beyond anything they can throw at us.

LIZ: snnrk

Sure, they were the gender expert for a while, but you’ve handled that. It’s old news. Now you’re squarely in schizophrenia territory, or whatever the fuck this is. No Mary Sue psychic attack is going to fix this mess.

LIZ: pfft

I’m being serious! They aren’t even on our level. This is our shit to deal with. Nobody else’s. If they want to understand it, they’ll have to talk to you like a regular person, and only if you want to. It’s our mental illness to deal with at our leisure.

LIZ: yeah
LIZ: i guess so

That’s right.

DAVEPETA: B// < *cough*

…It may have been a bit rude to say all of that within earshot.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah um

They look down at the sound controls.

DAVEPETA: B33 < well
DAVEPETA: B33 < do you want to watch a movie
LIZ: yeah
LIZ: ok

Interior shot of the woman’s apartment at night. It’s barely audible, but there’s an ambient track playing.

It’s the end of the film. The woman– still unnamed, a decision you aren’t quite sure you agree with–enters her apartment, and finds it to be a mess. Papers are strewn about, dishes are shattered, there’s a knife stuck into a couch cushion. The woman takes the knife as she walks past, and her trembling hands grow still upon her acquisition of the weapon. She places it in her purse and walks with determination towards her bedroom. Clouds of smoke can be seen drifting out from the door.

In one continuous shot, the camera trails behind the woman as she enters the room, zooming out to reveal the man from the coffee shop, shirtless and smoking a cigarette. His jagged blonde hair is a bit of a mess, and he’s a little sweaty.

MAN: Hey.

The woman doesn’t say anything. She places the purse on the nightstand, then begins to undress. She takes her jacket off and drops it on the floor.

MAN: That easy, huh? I knew it wouldn’t be a hard sell. It’s like I said. You need me.

Still, the woman is silent. She reaches for the zipper on her dress, but the man reaches over, bats her hand out of the way and unzips it for her in one motion. We can’t see her face. The camera remains pointed at her back as the man unhooks her bra and the woman takes off her leggings and underwear, leaving her nude.

She turns to her right and walks towards the light switch, turning it off and closing the door. Only a few stray beams of moonlight remain, and they aren’t enough to paint a cohesive picture. We see a stray arm here, a kick of a leg there. We hear rustling, and grunts of satisfaction from the man. The woman does not make a sound.

The man’s grunts give way to soft, low moans. We see light on the woman’s back as she moves up and down in stilted, empty motions, robotic in nature. The man slaps her back, and so the woman moves faster and faster. The man laughs.

The woman is still, save for her right arm reaching for something. The man can’t even get out one word before the screen flashes a dark red and he cries out in pain.

Another flash. An angry shout.

Another flash. A gurgled command.

Another flash. A whimper.

Another flash. Another. Another. An attentive listener can hear the sounds of sharp metal on flesh and strained gasps, but nothing more.

This goes on for a while, but eventually the lights flicker on.

The body is mutilated. Its neck is a mess of tangled pink and red flesh, its eyes have been excised, its torso is punctured several times over. Red ichor pours from its mouth, its wrists, and its torso, though the flow is already beginning to slow, the veins nearly emptied.

The camera zooms out. The bed floats in a vast, blank expanse, adrift in a sea of red. The woman gasps for air atop the body for a minute, then two. Eventually, she turns to the sea. The bed is still as she moves to its edge and leans down to the surface and washes her face, drinking a little as she does.

The camera cuts, and the bed is gone. The man’s corpse floats face down in the sea, and the woman floats next to him, reversed so that only their heads touch. She pushes his head to hers, smiles, and begins to cry.

Notes:

thank you so much everyone for reading! it has been quite the journey, hasn't it. this fic is nearly as long as everything else i've written on this site put together, and it all cohered in only a few months!! sure, that was in large part thanks to my "who needs second drafts" style of writing, (which of course has ramifications that echo throughout the whole work in a way i don't like to think about) but the important thing is that it is done. i'm really proud of it! hopefully this comes as a surprise (otherwise my pacing truly is as terrible as i feared) but my original estimate for this fic was 20k words and 9-10 chapters. originally chapters 8-11 were going to be either one or two chapters, and chapter 13 wasn't going to exist, and everything that *was* there was expected to be much shorter. ditching the screenplay format proved to lengthen things considerably, thanks to my characteristically self-absorbed narration, but i really do think it all worked out for the best in the end!!

i really hope everyone enjoyed. i put a lot of myself into synecdoche mew york and it seems like a lot of people have seen themselves in it too. as always, you can find me on tumblr and basically nowhere else. (i do plan on streaming on twitch soon but that isn't homestuck so you probably don't care.) i do have future homestuck-related projects lined up, but they probably won't be on this site, so follow me on tumblr if you want to know when those things happen. i will leave you all with a list of films i would recommend (all of these are referenced to varying degrees in the fic):

- synecdoche new york (2008) (this one is obviously an inspiration, the structure of the first half of the fic itself is heavily inspired by it)
- the mirror (1975) (this is the movie they watch in chapter 2. it's incredible and the reflections on womanhood in that movie informed a lot of how i wrote liz)
- jeanne dielman, 23 quai du commerce, 1080 bruxelles (1975) (literally every film scene in this movie is a reference to jeanne dielman)
- naissance des pieuvres (2007) (another movie about womanhood! also lesbians. less of an influence on the fic as a whole, but still a really good movie i would definitely recommend.

honorable mentions include i saw the tv glow (2024) and mulholland drive (2001), which are both movies that i do not reference in this fic but are both very very good. especially mulholland drive. honestly if you're going to watch any of these movies watch mulholland drive

anyway. bye! thanks for reading

Notes:

follow my tumblr for future projects (other links are outdated, can't be bothered to fix them)