Chapter 1: A FOOL
Chapter Text
Blue eyes, blue eyes, how come you tell so many lies?
Come up and see me, make me smile
Or do what you want, run on wild
“Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me)” by Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel
Thursday 1 September 1977
They arrived at the Kings Cross Apparition Site at 10.38 a.m. It was uncharacteristically late for him, but he couldn’t imagine going through this morning any other way.
Regulus had apparated before a bunch of times, but he still felt dizzy and sick afterwards. Yes, Regulus, vomiting on yourself will be the best way to start the year, he thought viciously and swallowed hard.
“Alright, cousin?”
Regulus glanced from the wall he had been clinging to. Narcissa looked as bored as always.
“Yes, just give me a minute,” he said and took a couple of breaths in and out. He still felt slightly dizzy, but now he could stay properly. Regulus wasn’t good at saying goodbyes, but he knew he should say at least something. “Thanks for – ”
“If you’re okay now, we have to go,” Narcissa interrupted. “We can talk while we walk.” She started moving without waiting for his answer.
“Don’t you go back?” he asked, suppressing the surprise in his voice, and following her along the platform.
“I should say hello to Aunt Walburga.”
“Oh”, Regulus suddenly felt sick again. Maybe apparating wasn’t the most suitable mode of transportation for him.
Kings Cross was full of high-pitched voices and sweaty bodies. Kids in black robes were everywhere. Someone was rushing to the bright red train with their bags and pets, someone was still chatting with their families and friends with stupid smiles on their stupid faces. It was very loud here, but Regulus could hear only his own heavy heartbeat.
The owl arrived yesterday. The right side of his face felt hot while Regulus was reading the short note that morning.
A small part of Regulus hoped that this year she would change her tradition and stay at home. But he understood that with everything that had happened, she would want to act as normal as possible and show the entire wizarding world that nothing had changed in the Ancient and Noble House of Black.
“Didn’t you want to tell me something?” Narcissa pulled him out of his thoughts.
Regulus looked at her and saw the calm interest in her eyes.
“Yes,” he started hastily, didn’t quite understand what he wanted to say. It happened only with her. Regulus Black always knew what he was going to say. “I wanted to say thank you for – uh.”
“You’re welcome,” she interrupted him again. And Regulus was grateful for it. That was nice of his cousin. Narcissa never let him embarrass himself.
They were similar. Or maybe Regulus had copied her for so long that he didn’t realize where the similarities were and where it was just his good acting.
Regulus Black liked the witch by his side. Narcissa Malfoy – his skin still itched a bit every time he needed to remind himself of her new second name – she was perfect. A child that every mother would want. Perfect manners, perfect skills, perfect appearance, perfect marriage. She could be the perfect heir if she wasn’t the youngest and a woman. Narcissa always had been his favourite Black, only she wasn’t a Black anymore. Regulus lost her too.
Something shifted in the air. Regulus felt her before he saw her.
Walburga Black stood in the middle of the train station chaos like a marble statue. Beautiful and cold. It was crowded here, but no one even approached a foot near her. Maybe it was her heavy magic or just the constant expression of arrogant disgust on her face.
She stood with her back to him. Exactly the same view as Regulus saw her the last time almost a month ago. He couldn’t move.
Walburga Black never looked around. It was something that anxious simple people did. She just waited gracefully until you came to her yourself.
And, of course, she was alone. Regulus didn’t know why he expected to see Orion every year. Father never came here for them.
Them.
Regulus’ eyes began to scan the crowd frantically. His heart raced just at the thought of finding a particular black head. Regulus hoped that he had enough brains to get on the train as early as possible. He hoped Mother would never see him again.
A hand rested on his shoulder and Regulus exhaled abruptly.
“We should go,” Narcissa said. Her hand was still on him. It felt almost comforting. She said ‘we’ again, Regulus thought.
“Yes. I know.”
Regulus didn’t move.
And then the perfect porcelain mask slipped from her face for a moment and Narcissa looked at him with a small smile.
“You’ll write to me, okay?” she asked. Her voice was quiet and – Regulus wasn’t sure – warm.
“As always”. He felt that something tighten in his chest.
“Good.”
Narcissa removed her hand. Her face reverted to its usual expression of a noble pureblood witch and wife. She nodded slightly at him and started walking towards Mother. Regulus’ shoulder felt numb.
Regulus didn’t know what to expect from Mother after their last evening together. Before he was sure he could predict all her actions and reactions, but now all his confidence has flown away.
He spent the whole August thinking and overthinking about this particular interaction. But the different parts of his mind never came to a common scenario. Of course, he knew she wouldn’t throw a tantrum in front of people, but…
Then she saw him, her usual expression didn’t change. Regulus felt as if all his body was tense more in front of her. Walburga Black was shorter than her sons, but to Regulus, she would always be the tallest woman alive. It felt like you were lying on the ground in dirt, then she looked at you.
“Regulus,” she raised her long, slim hand to his face, and it cost him a lot not to flinch. She fixed his hair a little. “Your hair is too long. You need to short it,” she said and Regulus knew whom she saw in him.
“Yes, maman,” he answered, trying to breathe while she looked intensely at him. He hoped his mask worked well.
“Narcissa,” Walburga finally looked away and nodded to her niece.
“Aunt Walburga,” Narcissa nodded in response.
Narcissa’s presence helped Regulus breathe. Maybe after Mother will punish him for this treacherous cousin’s support, but now it didn’t matter.
It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t bad at all. Actually, it felt absolutely normal. As usual. As always. Will everything be like nothing change? Like it always was? But how could it be possible without –
Yes, it was crowded here, but Regulus felt keenly an empty space next to him.
“I’m glad your summer was productive,” Walburga brought him back to the platform.
A kaleidoscope of meaningless dinners and bad dreams flashed before Regulus’ eyes. He owled regularly to Mother through last month as he usually did, not daring to not do so. And she responded with short notes, as usual. Obviously, they didn’t talk about August 3rd. Or his brother. They never talked about anything like that. They never actually talked about anything, really.
“I’m glad for this too, maman,” Regulus said. “Narcissa was a great host”.
“That is a pleasure to hear,” Walburga replied flatly. “Kreacher has already brought your trunks on the train. You should go if you don’t want to be late”. She tilted her head slightly, ordered him to kiss her goodbye.
“Yes, maman,” his guts twisted, but Regulus leaned over anyway and kissed her cheek lightly. “Thank you for coming.”
“Have a good year, son, and please,” she took a little pointed pause, “will not disappoint me.”
“Of course, maman.” She waited for his answer and then turned around elegantly and took Narcissa’ arm. It seemed like now she was Walburga’s favourite Black too.
Regulus waited a bit watching them apparated away and then went to the train.
This year will be different, he heard his brother’s voice inside his head, I promise.
Regulus’s chest felt heavy, as if someone had left stones there. Those cruel promises never worth even a knut. His brother spewed big words to right and left and didn’t think about the weight of them, didn’t think how many of those words got stuck in Regulus’ chest and bent him down to the ground.
Regulus waited all August.
All August, he spent like a miserable child, watching each coming owl with bated breath. And what did he receive? Nothing. No, of course, there were some posts for him – his mother’s short notes, some nonsense from Barty, his school letters. But still, nothing from him.
What kind of idiot do you have to be to still trust Sirius Black? Kreacher was right. If someone tells you they’ll play hide-and-seek with you and then leaves you in a dark closet for two hours, you should stop playing with them. But Regulus was always stupid.
“Hey, Reggie.”
The voice sounded different, and Regulus realized that he was hearing it outside of his own mind. Maybe he would throw up on himself today anyway.
Regulus turned around slowly enough to calm himself down.
Sirius stood in the aisle of the train a couple of steps away from him and looked weird. His skin was pale even for a Black, dark circles under his eyes, his uniform was dishevelled, and it didn’t look like he did on purpose, standing in front of the mirror for a couple of hours like he always did. And even his hair was messy, which was a really bad sign. Was he sick or something?
“Hi,” he said again looking at Regulus. There was something in Sirius’ eyes that Regulus couldn’t figure out.
“Hello, Sirius,” Regulus responded, unable to move. His mind went blank, all his thoughts flew away.
They stood in silence for what felt like an eternity. The train was moving now.
“It’s nice to see you,” Sirius finally blurted out and fell silent again. His mouth twitched, as if he was trying to smile, but his own face didn’t obey to him.
“Nice to see you too”, each word fell from Regulus’ lips with difficulty. And when Sirius exhaled loudly and the next moment he was all over Regulus, his hug felt crashing.
Sirius smelled like wind, a wet dog and cheap tobacco. But most of all, he smelled like Regulus’ big brother. For only one moment, Regulus let himself take a little quiet inhale. Maybe this year really will be different? Maybe they could –
He promised. Sirius promised to send him letters. He promised and he didn’t.
Regulus stepped back.
“I should go,” he said with more much force than he intended and started walking.
“Reggie, wait!” Sirius grabbed his hand and immediately let it go when their eyes met. “Do you wanna ride with us – with me?” he said quickly. “Yeah, it’s a bit crowded in our compartment, but we can find a place. What do you say?”
“I need to go to the prefects’.”
“Oh, yes, of course,” Sirius said with a forced smile. “Maybe after?”
“I don’t – ”
“If you want, of course!” Sirius interrupted him hastily, gesturing actively. “No pressure!”
“I, I think I’ll just ride in mine like usual.”
“Yeah! Yeah, that’s fine. Cool,” Sirius mused his hair with a familiar movement. “See you after the ceremony, then?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Regulus couldn’t stand being here anymore. “Bye, Sirius.”
Regulus walked out into the next carriage without hearing Sirius’ answer.
All of this was too much. At first Mother and then this. Regulus went fast through carriages pushing along the way the students swarming in the aisles. One tried to say something indignant to him and stopped abruptly when he saw that was Regulus in front of him.
How could Sirius behave like nothing was wrong? Like they were always on speaking terms? Like he had said more than a couple of words to Regulus over the whole past year?
This year will be different, I promise, Regulus heard again.
Yes, there was August 3rd. And Sirius came to Regulus himself. And he said all that he said. Yes, but he was clearly not sane that evening. Maybe Sirius just regretted all of those words he had spoken to Regulus? Maybe, after that, he wanted to take it back, but his arrogance did not let him?
Or maybe he just forgot about his promise? This wasn’t the first time. Of course, he forgot – bloody Potter was always more important! Or maybe, even worse, maybe he did remember his promise, but he just didn’t care. Sirius told everything to Potter, and they had a good laugh together at silly, gullible Regulus.
And that’s why he invited Regulus to his compartment. Their compartment! To made Regulus feel uncomfortable around his stupid friends or even do some idiotic prank, like when Sirius told Regulus that he could sit at the Gryffindor table in his first year, and then laugh at Slughorn’s scolding him.
Bloody Griffindors. Bloody Sirius with his cruel promises.
Regulus stumbled into the prefects’ compartment, squeezing the strap of his schoolbag so hard that his knuckles turned white.
“You’re late, Black,” Nyirongo said with a deep displeasure on his face.
“How observant of you,” Regulus frowned walking deeper into the spacious compartment. “Not surprising Dumbledore made you the Head Boy. Such skills.”
There were only three prefects here: Paul Nyirongo – the Had Boy, a large Ravenclaw with perfect grades and perfectly annoying demeanour; Lily Evans – of course she was the Head Girl now – she behaved like one from the beginning of her studies at Hogwarts; and Remus Lupin – is he stuck to Evans? Regulus sat as far away as possible from this ridiculous trio.
“Oh, he’s in the mood,” the Had Boy snorted to Evans and turned around to Regulus again. “So let’s get straight to the point. You missed instructions – ”
“Walking through the train, preventing kids from jumping out of windows and blowing up toilets. Get it,” Regulus said, staring wearily at the scenery passing by outside the window.
“Glad you did,” Nyirongo muttered through his teeth. “Your shift starts at 4 p.m. You can go now.”
The last thing he wanted to do right now was listen to Barty’s and Evan’s stupid chatter for hours, so prefects’ compartment was just fine. At the moment he sat down on the seat, fatigue suddenly overwhelmed him. He had barely slept last night, thinking over and over about the morning and what led to it. Maybe he would even have a nap.
“Thank you very much for your kind permission, but I’ll stay here,” Regulus said dryly to the Head Boy, getting himself comfortable. Evans and Lupin exchanged a look. Ugh, for Salazar’s sake, what had Sirius told them?
“Okay,” Nyirongo sounded irritated. “If you’d like.”
Regulus nodded and returned to the countryside views.
“We’ll probably go,” Evans said. It was amazing that she opened her mouth just then. “I’ll take over for you in three hours,” pause. “Bye, Regulus!”
He didn’t respond, and eventually he heard the sound of the door opening and closing.
“You know,” Nyirongo’s voice came. “You could at least try to be nice.”
Regulus didn’t respond again. The Head Boy was annoying but not stupid, so there was no more attempt to talk.
---
It seemed like the Sorting Ceremony got longer and duller every bloody year. Dumbledore mumbled his usual speech abound bright young minds, bonds of friendship, ‘make yourself at home’ and all that naive crap for hours. Regulus was starving – he hadn’t eaten decent food since Mother’s owl arrived the previous morning, and the lousy first years didn’t end.
“Regulus?” he heard Barty’s voice break through his thoughts. “Regulus, are you listening to me?”
“What?” Regulus muttered irritably. He didn’t avoid his classmates all day so that they could pester him with their nonsense after.
“I asked,” Barty said, ignoring Regulus’ tone, “why you didn’t answer my letters?”
“I was in France at Narcissa’s.” Regulus stopped reading Barty’s letters right after he first mistook them for Sirius’.
“Okay,” Barty said with obvious disappointment in such an answer. “I was just worried about you. After, you know,” he looked around and lowered his voice, “what happened to Sirius.”
“What do you mean – to Sirius?” Regulus felt like he had been doused in cold water.
“Well,” Barty continued in a whisper. “After he escaped from home.”
“How did you know about that?” Regulus suddenly felt everyone was looking at him. “Who else knows?”
“Like, everyone, I guess,” Barty answered with an odd look. “You know better than anyone that purebloods love gossiping.”
Barty continued saying something, but Regulus didn’t listen to him. Everyone was definitely looking at him and whispering. Regulus couldn’t even look back properly without drawing even more attention to himself. So he tried to take his racing heart under control and then slowly glanced around as if he was just bored.
His gaze rested on Cereus Greengrass, giggling with her friends. No, she definitely wasn’t ugly, in fact, she was quite pretty, not in the aristocratic way, but in the way half of the Slytherins drooled over her. Of course, Regulus wasn’t in that half. All the charm of Greengrass evaporated if you spend more than a minute with her. She was a typical ‘true pureblood’ girl – pompous, sadistic and boring as hell. Did the girl know she had become a bone of contention for the Blacks? What were the chances that Regulus would be forced to marry her?
Their eyes met but, to his salvation, the meal arrived at the same time.
---
Regulus cast the heating charms before crawling under the covers. It was cold in the stupid Slytherin dungeons even in early autumn. What a prick thought it would be nice to put children in fucking dungeons? There was always cold, damp, and no sunlight. Ever! Was it a punishment for being a pureblood or a dickhead or both? Because, of course, there were only pureblood dickheads in the Slytherin, right? Or maybe Slytherins became dickheads because they had to live in a place that was more like a prison than a home for years?
It was definitely Godric fucking Gryffindor who put them in dungeons.
It was always some Gryffindor arshole.
Speaking of which –
Sirius never found him after the ceremony. By the time Regulus finished his dinner, Sirius’s usual place at the Gryffindor table was already empty. Regulus wasn’t surprised. One broken promise more, one less.
This year will be different, oh really, brother? he thought venomously, tossing and turning in his bed.
Regulus was angry with Sirius, with narrow-minded gossip lovers (a couple of Slytherins had already managed to congratulate Regulus on his future place in the Wizengamot; Regulus wanted to strangle them), but by nightfall, most of all, he was angry with himself.
He should have known better. Regulus should have sent Sirius away back then on August 3rd, telling him he was a fool for thinking Regulus would ever trust him again. And who was a fool now? Not just once, Sirius made Regulus a fool again and again, and Regulus let him. Pathetic, helpless, worthless.
Regulus even ran away to Narcissa’s with his tail between his legs as if he was guilty of something. But he was, wasn’t he? In Mother’s opinion, certainly. Although Regulus couldn’t do otherwise. If he didn’t, Mother would –
No, of course, she wouldn’t. Even she wouldn’t have gone that far. And if Sirius behaved himself, none of this would happen at all. If only Sirius ever listened…
Regulus pulled out from behind heavy curtains and cast Lumos. Almost 2 a.m. Great!
He was angry, and itchy, and tense. His mind worked at full speed and wasn’t going to stop. But Regulus needed to sleep. Classes will start tomorrow, and he needed to be ready. He couldn’t mess up. He thought about the Dreamless Sleep Potion, but he always felt sluggish the next morning and already promised himself to quit.
There was always another option. He squeezed his wand harder.
After, then his attention was distracted, Regulus finally fell asleep. And his dreams weren’t kind.
The house was dark and quiet, even more so than usual. Or maybe it only seemed that way to Regulus. He walked down the stairs with wooden legs and played over and over in his mind what he was going to say. Regulus tried not to pay attention to portraits’ whispers.
He found Mother in the Small Drawing Room. She was standing by the window, her slim silhouette looking grim in the dim light of morning. Mother didn’t turn around when Regulus entered, but he knew she heard him.
He paused to gather himself.
“I accepted Narcissa’s invitation,” he started without much introduction. Clear, confident, straight to the point. “I’m leaving now and will be gone until the end of the summer. Is it permissible?”
She didn’t move, didn’t answer. Regulus waited, watching Mother closely. Should he repeat his question? But when Walburga waved her hand, just a little sharp gesture, the same one she used to dismiss Kreacher. Regulus’ right cheek twitched involuntarily in pain. Was the pain still real, or was he imagining it?
Regulus waited again, but nothing happened. And as one of his legs was already out the door, Regulus heard Mother’s hollow voice.
“Did he leave?”
Regulus hesitated for a moment.
“Yes,” he answered quietly. Silence again.
He picked up his suitcase and went to his father’s office.
“Malfoy Manor,” Regulus said, and disappeared in a flash of green fire.
Chapter 2: BROTHERS
Summary:
Regulus is having a couple of unpleasant conversations.
Chapter Text
There’s a road I know I must go
Even though I tell myself
That road is closed
Listen, lonely seabird
You’ve been away from land too long
Aw, too long
“Seabird” by Alessi brothers
Friday 2 September 1977
He woke up suddenly, heart racing like a rabbit.
“Fuck,” Regulus muttered in the dark, feeling for his wand. “Lumos.”
Two hours of sleep was not exactly what he had hoped for, but when did he ever get what he wanted? There was no chance for Regulus to fall asleep again. Fortunately, he knew an even better way to clear his head.
Pajama pants were stuck to his legs. This had happened before, so Regulus simply tore them off abruptly with a little hiss. He scourgifyed his sheets, put on his most comfortable clothes, and went outside.
Nowhere on earth could Regulus feel relaxed and calm; only the sky gave him that. And the faster he flew, the quieter his thoughts became. Regulus grabbed his broom harder and continued to gain altitude. The cold wind ruffled his clothes and hair, his ears were popped, his thighs still hurt a bit. Regulus could finally breathe.
It wasn’t allowed to leave the school area, but it was the first day, it was early morning, and Regulus was a prefect and a Black, so he directed his broom towards the land where nothing and no one could bother him. He slowed down a little and stretched his stiff body. It felt nice.
He could fly for hours, but the sun had already taken its place among the clouds. It was time to return.
“Oh, hi Reg,” Regulus heard an overly cheerful voice from behind his back. He stopped for a minute in the inventory room to leave his broom. And this minute was enough to completely destroy Regulus’ good mood from the flight. Was the universe angry with him?
“Potter,” he said drily, instead of greeting, and hurried to get around the noisy boy.
“That’s great, you’re an early flyer too!” Potter said, for some reason, starting to follow Regulus. “Maybe we can fly together sometime?”
“Fuck off,” Regulus spat, increasing his speed.
“Oh, okay,” he sounded – disappointed? Potter stopped abruptly, but he couldn’t close his mouth completely. “Have a nice day!”
This year was going to be a disaster. If every day starts like this, Regulus would have to kill somebody. Or killing himself would be easier?
For Merlin’s sake, why did he have to meet bloody Potter of all people at Hogwarts? And, exactly at the moment, when his faith in the endurance of life had grown a little stronger?
Potter was the worst. He was the epitome of a true Gryffindor - reckless, impulsive, double-faced, with an irresistible desire to meddle in others’ business. He constantly caused trouble, but still everyone adored him, including professors. Even Evans eventually gave up (it was a shame, because, to be honest, Regulus somewhat respected her for her constant disapproval of Potter).
And he was always so bloody happy. Like he was living in some perfect dream world where everyone was a friend and everything went his way. Maybe Potter really lived in this world. If so, Regulus would hate him even more.
But that’s not what makes him so terrible. Potter was so terrible because he was a thief.
Potter was the reason everything went downhill in the Black family. Sirius always wanted someone to share his crazy ideas with. And all his childhood, Regulus tried to be a perfect brother to Sirius. But he was never enough. Not fun enough, not creative enough, not brave enough. Potter was, though. They became best friends from their first meeting on the Hogwarts Express, and a couple of hours later, Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor.
Oh, Mother was furious. She even went to Dumbledore and caused a scene. She demanded that the sorting procedure must be repeated for Sirius, as some pixies had definitely destroyed all the sanity of this decrepit hat. But even Orion's connections couldn’t change the fact that the Black heir was a Gryffindor now. The parents had a nasty fight after, and Regulus didn’t see Orion until the New Year’s party.
This one year at home without Sirius was both the best and the worst. Mother finally noticed him! And at the same time, Mother noticed him. Sirius had always been so big and took up so much space, leaving no room for Regulus. On good days, Regulus hated him for this, and on bad days, he was grateful. It was lonely and dull in the shadows where Regulus lived in, but it was safe. Then, it seemed like Mother suddenly realized she had two children, not one. Sirius was why Regulus lived in the shadows, and he was also why he was pulled out of them.
Mother began bringing Regulus everywhere with her. Dinner parties, tea gatherings, shopping trips, business trips. If he was admitted to some of these events before, it was usually because Mother just forgot he was there. But then she did so deliberately. Regulus understood he was just a patch for the lacerated wound left by his older brother, but he also understood that Sirius was never as good as him at being a proper Black heir. He trembled at these thoughts. And he cried his eyes out afterwards, hiding deep under his bed.
On the winter break, Sirius tried to excuse himself to the parents. He said it wasn’t his fault that he had been sorted into Gryffindor, and that he couldn’t do anything about it. That it was a mistake. However, of course, this wasn’t true. And, of course, Sirius didn’t believe in it even a little bit. He told it to Regulus himself, in an excited whisper, as he climbed into Regulus' bed that first night.
“This is so cool being in Gryffindor!” he said with burning eyes. “Everyone is so nice and fun! I can’t wait for you to join us next year. Maybe we can even persuade Minnie to add another bed to our dorm. It’s gonna be wonderful, you’ll see.”
And Sirius told him all about his friends, their adventures and pranks. And the more he spoke, the more Regulus was convinced that he couldn’t be a Gryffindor. Especially when Sirius’ entire speech was devoted to ‘his favourite person on Earth’, James Potter. James this, James that. He’s so cool. He’s like a brother to me! By the middle of the night, Regulus had begun to plot his first murder.
All his short life, Regulus tried to hold the fire, called Sirius Black. But the fire constantly burned him and ran away. Sirius was never truly his, and then James Potter appeared out of nowhere and stole him completely.
“Do you want to be in Gryffindor, like your brilliant brother?” the Sorting Hat asked him half a year later. “Do you want to be brave and kind?”
Regulus saw Sirius’ bright smile and, for a single moment, he wanted to join him. But then, he saw other young boys beside his brother. He saw their happy and excited faces, a perfect match to Sirius’. And he saw the thief. He watched Regulus with a smug grin. Regulus suddenly realized that he didn’t fit in. He didn’t belong there. The Gryffindor table was huge, but there was no place for one Regulus Black.
“No,” he whispered.
“Slytherin!” the Hat shouted.
The excitement drained from his brother’s face and was replaced with pure betrayal. That’s how Regulus knew the Sorting Hat had asked Sirius the same questions. And Sirius had chosen Potter then, and he would do it again and again after.
Regulus hurried towards Narcissa, trying not to look back at the Gryffindor table. After that, Sirius stopped talking to him for the first time. It might have felt terrible, but the next morning there was a note for Regulus and a new broom. “Dear Regulus, we are proud of you. Use this broom with all Slytherin honour. – Parents,” he read in the note, and made sure he did everything right.
“Where have you been?” Barty said as Regulus burst into their dorm. “Come on, or we'll miss breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry,” Regulus said sharply and locked himself in the bathroom.
---
Friday 9 September 1977
There were rumours all over Hogwarts. Sirius Black ran away from home with a muggle rock band. Sirius Black was kicked out of home because his mother found some girl in his bed. Blacks disowned Sirius because he set Harold Minchum’s toupee on fire. And more, and more. That all was nonsense, but still, by the end of the first week, everyone at the school knew that Sirius Black no longer lived in Grimmauld Place.
Regulus was annoyed and tired. He slept very poorly during those days, and ridiculous questions from everyone and everything about his glorious brother didn’t help. Every year, Sirius managed to attract everyone’s attention, but this year he outdid himself.
And maybe last year, Regulus wouldn’t have been so bothered by all this noise, but after August 3rd –
Sirius was still avoiding him. Yes, they were in different houses and years, but this absence seemed suspicious. Sirius pointedly didn’t look at Regulus; he always sat with his back to the Slytherin table in the Great Hall, and once even turned sharply in the corridor when he saw Regulus coming towards him. Did he think Regulus would start a fight or bother him in public? Did he think Regulus was pathetic enough to chase him? Egocentric bastard.
“Another first week at Hog-farts done, huh?” Evan nudged him with a shit-eating grin as they walked out of Potions. Sometimes Regulus forgot how far his eyes could roll back, but there was always Evan Rosier to remind him.
“I don’t get it,” Barty complained, frowning. “We just passed the OWLs, why is Sluggy torturing us with the NEWTs? Isn't the sixth year just for bugger around?”
“Screw Sluggy!” Evan responded with an obscene gesture. “Are you seriously going to listen to this ancient ponce?”
Regulus has known Barty and Evan since childhood. They were both pureblood heirs and were approved by Mother as worthy company for her sons. At their first proper meeting, Sirius said that Evan’s face looked like a porlock’s arse. Evan was deeply offended and ran away to his parents. Barty laughed at this, but then Sirius said that Barty’s laugh sounded like he had swallowed a toad. Barty answered that Sirius’ hair looked greasy, then Sirius spat in his face, then Barty punched him in the nose and then Sirius was shouting –
So, friendship didn’t work out from the start. But when Regulus was sorted into Slytherin and was forever separated from Sirius, he decided that he needed a worthy company. And then there were Barty Crouch Jr. and Evan Rosier by his side.
“Hey, Regulus,” Evan said with a smirk. “Think you could put in a good word for me with Greengrass?”
“What makes you think I’m the right person for that?” Regulus asked.
“She’s your swot partner, isn’t she?”
“And out of the prefects’ solidarity, she’ll sleep with anyone I choose. Right?” Regulus looked at Evan expectantly.
“Why not?” Evan asked casually. Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Are you still going to win her heart?” Barty cut in with mocking fervour in his voice.
“Heart?” Evan chuckled. “The only thing I’m gonna win is her knickers.”
“All mouth and no trousers,” Barty teased, shaking his head.
“Piss off, Barty,” Evan poked him in the ribs. “I’ll shag her before the winter, you’ll see!”
“Do you wanna a bet?” Barty wiggled his eyebrows. But Evan was already distracted.
“A bet can wait, look who showed up,” Evan said with a quick nod towards a mousy-haired boy hurrying away from them in the corridor. “Oi, mudfucker!” he shouted.
Ciaran Bourke flinched and picked up the pace, but didn’t turn around. He was an inconspicuous fifth-year Slytherin and also Evan’s beloved toy. His pureblood status didn’t save Bourke from becoming a punching bag. Maybe it was his meek nature or his Hufflepuff childhood best friend, but he was one of the favourite entertainment for many Slytherins throughout his stay at school. Everything went even worse when he started dating some mudblood girl last year. Evan took it as a personal insult.
“It seemed like someone had forgotten their manners over the summer,” Barty said, and exchanged a playful glance with Evan. Instead of answering, Evan raised his wand and said,
“Accio the mudfucker’s bag.”
Bourke’s schoolbag jerked back, dragging him along. The boy couldn’t stay on his feet, falling to the floor in a crash of scattered books. Students started whispering, some of them giggling. No one went to help him.
“Oh, how clumsy of you,” Evan said, smiling down at Bourke and extending his hand to him. The boy was looking at it cautiously, frozen in place. Evan snorted. “You know, it’s rude to refuse help, then someone, especially someone like me, offers it to you. Come on, don’t be shy, I don’t bite,” and then with a nasty smirk, “unless some bird asks me to.”
Eventually, Bourke accepted the hand and Evan raised him rudely to his feet.
“Here you go,” he said, patting his toy on the shoulder. The boy’s face twitched slightly with each touch. “Please, be more careful, we may not be there to help the next time. You know,” Evan looked around and leaned down to Bourke’s very ear, “not everyone in this school is as sympathetic as we are.”
“Yes,” Bourke replied quietly, looking down at his feet. “Thank you.”
“Ugh, Evan,” Barty said with disgust, “he gropes his filthy gal with this hand. You could get infected with something.”
“Oh shit,” Evan shook his hand, wrinkling nose. “I guess my generosity has clouded my mind. Barty, mate, can you please?”
“Of course,” Barty pointed his wand at Evan’s hand. “Scourgify.”
“Cheers,” Evan nodded to Barty and turned back to frightened Bourke, a hint of anger in Evan’s eyes. “Did you do this on purpose? Eh, mudfucker?” Evan’s voice low and threatening. “Did you used my kindness to humiliate me?”
“I – no, no, of course, not,” the boy babbled. “I’d never – ”
Regulus stifled a yawn, watching this circus from the sidelines. Ciaran Bourke was weak and miserable. The worst type of person, he didn’t even try to stand up for himself, not to mention his silly little girl. If you were smart enough to fucking a mudblood, you should grow yourself some balls and fight back against twats of Rosier kind. It looked like Bourke begged to be bullied.
Evan and Barty continued their usual game, not even bothering to learn some new tricks. Regulus found himself getting bored.
“You know, mudfucker,” Regulus heard Evan’s voice fading behind him as he walked away from the scene. “People like you are the exact reason why we degenerate as wizardkind.” Regulus rolled his eyes again – Rosier had never been very inventive.
“Oi, Regulus, are you already leaving us?” Barty called out to him.
“Prefects’ meeting,” Regulus threw casually over his shoulder as he kept going.
“Won’t forget about Greengrass!” Evan shouted after him cheerfully. Regulus didn’t answer.
---
It wasn’t even a lie. Regulus had actually had a meeting that evening. He had disliked them sincerely since last year – they were all meaningless and time-consuming. What was the point in repeating the same information and instructions again and again? The heads could just leave the updates in the Prefects’ office, and it was more than enough to attend the first briefing of the fifth year to know everything you needed to know for the next three years. If you are so dense that you need to be explained everything all over again regularly, maybe you should not be a prefect at all.
Despite the fact that all the meetings were a waste of time and the majority of the prefects were annoying, pompous, or both, Regulus didn’t mind being a prefect, not really. There were some benefits. Like sneaking night flights, or the opportunity to use restricted sections of the library, or Mother’s approval. She was a prefect too, and she always said that being a prefect was an honourable position that showed everyone your true worth. Of course, those were different times. Now, the prefect’s position has been compromised, as has Hogwarts itself, with all these spoiled muggle-worshipping politics of Dumbledore. Purebloods were in the minority now, maybe even amongst the prefects. Regulus could state with confidence that most of this year’s prefects were mudbloods or at least half-breeds, including the Head Girl and, presumably, the Head Boy (Nyirongo has been hiding his status, and that didn’t speak well for him).
It wasn’t like all mudbloods were terrible, in contrast to what Regulus’ childhood tutors said. Some of them were not so bad at magic. Sometimes even excellent, Regulus had to admit. Like Professor McGonagall, who was an outstanding witch. Or, for example, Evans – her achievements in Potions couldn’t be ignored even by such sycophants of influential purebloods as Slughorn. Not all of them couldn’t control their emotions, and Regulus never saw any of mudbloods spewing poisonous slime, ever. Certainly, he wouldn’t tell any of this to Mother.
Nevertheless, the prefect’s position has lost its former greatness, Regulus still received Mother’s satisfied nod and a short ‘that is truly delightful’ when he showed her the badge last summer. That could have been one of the most pleasant moments of the past few years for Regulus if he had not been received with Mother’s approval, that nasty, full of hate, Sirius’ silent look.
Why was that shitface seeping into all his thoughts? Regulus tried to pay more attention to the meeting, in an attempt to get the image of his brother out of his head. Surprisingly, everything seemed to be coming to an end. Regulus had to pay tribute to the new Heads – Nyirongo and Evans worked smoothly and quickly.
“In conclusion, we want to make an important announcement,” Nyirongo said. “We’ve been working on this for a while, and it has now been approved. Lily, please,” he passed the floor to Evans.
“We’re very happy to announce,” the Head Girl started eagerly, “that from now on prefects’ duties will be carried out in mixed groups and pairs. It will be the first step in our project to strengthen the houses’ unity.”
“Unity?” Greengrass sneered. “Such a beautiful word for increasing mudbloods’ control,” she said quietly to Regulus, as if they were on speaking terms.
By an unfortunate coincidence, Cereus Greengrass had become his prefect’s partner for this year, and Regulus was not very happy about it. He had spent the last week trying to get her to shut up, but she seemed too dumb to understand his subtle hints. Fortunately, after Regulus snapped openly at her, the girl calmed down a bit. He promised to hex her hair into snakes if she asked him about Sirius ever again.
But no matter how much he disliked her, Regulus admitted that her words made sense. Cereus Greengrass was not the only pureblood prefect in this room who abused their power, and it looked like Evans was going to put an end to it. Regulus had no doubt that it was her idea.
“We will discuss further innovations and your feedback at the next meetings,” Evans continued. “You can find your closest shifts and partners on this list,” she pointed to the parchment in Nyirongo’s hand. “Do you have any questions?”
Regulus had only one question. What the fuck? But the next moment he heard Cereus’ contemptuous voice.
“What if I don’t like this project?” She clearly made sure that everyone understood her thoughts on this word.
“I’m really sorry,” Evans really wasn’t, “but the project,” she clearly made sure that everyone understood what she thought about this word, “has already been agreed upon with Dumbledore. Please submit your complaint in writing after the meeting, and we will include it as part of the official feedback. Is there anything else?”
Greengrass just snorted at this, and Regulus thought maybe the project wasn’t so bad after all; at least it would get him out of her way. There were a few more questions, and the meeting ended.
“Regulus, can I talk to you for a minute?” Evans called to him, then he was about to leave. For Salazar’s drooping bollocks, what did she want from him?
“What?” he asked, not trying to hide his frustration.
“Give me, please, your badge. It needs to be cleaned,” she said, holding out her open palm. “Remus will return it to you on your next shift.”
“Why he?” Regulus didn’t like where this was going.
“Like we said,” Evans replied with forced politeness, as if she was talking with a child. “From now on, we are going on shifts in mixed pairs. Your next shift will be with Remus. Any problems?”
No, this project definitely sucked.
“Yes,” Regulus said flatly, “I’d better eat the whole bucket of flobberworms.”
“What a pity, we don’t have any,” Evans said with mocking sympathy. “Besides,” she returned to her cool politeness, “the schedule has already been approved by Dumbledore. If you have any trouble, you can send him an official complaint.”
“I don’t have any choice, then.” It wasn’t even a question.
“I’m glad we understood each other,” she said with a smile, holding out her palm again. “Your badge, please.”
Regulus knew Lily Evans would be a problem from the moment he found out she was the Head Girl now. She was a problem with even less power; he couldn’t imagine how often he would want to curse her this year. The counting began today.
“Why?” he asked, not wanting to give up so easily.
“Like I said,” she replied, to Regulus’ satisfaction, more irritated now. “To clean it. If you had honoured us with your presence at the first meeting on the train, you would know about this procedure.”
She said it with confidence and sincerity. Regulus did not trust any of her words. The badges were enchanted and did not need to be cleaned. Everyone who paid attention knew that. But further interaction with Evans wasn’t worth continuing, so Regulus removed his badge, placed it in her hand, and left the room without saying anything else.
---
Saturday 10 September 1977
When Regulus arrived in the West Corridor of the third floor the next evening, Lupin was already waiting for him.
“Your badge,” Lupin handed it to Regulus, looking down at him. It was always obvious that the boy was tall, but standing beside him was almost humiliating.
Regulus was in no hurry to take the badge off his wide, calloused palm. Instead, he raised his wand towards it.
“What are you doing?” Lupin asked, squinting.
“Diagnostic spell,” Regulus replied, casting. “I’d like to make sure your delinquent company didn’t curse it.”
Lupin just shrugged his shoulders. “And?”
It was fine. Regulus was even a little disappointed. He waved his wand, and the badge flew from Lupin’s palm to Regulus’ robe.
They walked through the corridor in silence for a while. Surprisingly, it wasn’t even bad. Lupin’s magic felt vaguely similar to Narcissa’s, and he was hardly a talker. Actually, Regulus found himself thinking about Lupin as a quite bearable prefect partner. They had never interacted one-to-one before, but he seemed like the less annoying option amongst those available to Regulus. Lupin was calm and sensible, he respected studying, and at the same time, he had a ready tongue and was one of the few people who could put Sirius in his place. Lupin’s presence felt almost like a relief, especially after Greengrass’ endless stream of chatter.
But all good things come to an end.
“You have to talk to Sirius,” Lupin said firmly without looking at him.
Of course, everything everywhere has to be about Sirius fucking Black. Regulus felt like the hard knot in his chest, which had started to relax, tightened again.
“And what else do you think I have to do, Lupin?” Regulus asked, arching his eyebrow. “Maybe you want me to give you some money or jump off the Astronomy Tower?”
“I know,” Lupin sounded irritated. Yes, the one who started it was irritated! “You think it’s none of my business – ”
“Oh, your brain is finally working again. What a delight!”
“You have to talk to Sirius,” he repeated stubbornly, as if not hearing Regulus’ words.
“I thought we both agreed that it’s none of your bloody business.” Regulus should have stopped this conversation there, should have shut Lupin up and never gone back to it again, but instead, for some stupid reason, he continued. “And if Sirius wants to talk to me, he can do it himself. Not sending his guard mutt to me.”
Did Lupin snort?
“He didn’t know I’m talking to you,” he said.
It wasn’t even Sirius who wanted to connect with him in this idiotic way. Of course not. Sirius had already shown what he really thought of Regulus.
“You know, Black,” Lupin continued quietly, staring at him with his piercing squint. “I don’t like you, and I don’t trust you. I don’t believe that one good action can fix all the bad things you’ve already done. But Sirius does. And for some crazy reason, he wants shit like you back in his life. So talk to him.”
No one ever talked to Regulus like that. He’d been used to endless wordplays since childhood. You hide your disgust behind politeness and a barely noticeable quirk of your mouth; you hide affection in the calm absence of words. And you never tell anyone what you really think or feel, especially about each other. Sirius was the only one who could sometimes speak to him openly. Okay, not speak. Shout. Or whisper. The rage or hurt tore off the learned parables from Sirius’ mouth, and he could tell Regulus how deeply he despised him.
And now Lupin gave him his thoughts openly. Regulus didn’t know what to do with them. Lupin told him that Sirius wanted him back, and he definitely wasn’t lying. Did Sirius tell it to him himself? But why did he tell it to bloody Lupin, not to Regulus?
“He’s the one who’s avoiding me!” Regulus wanted to sound angry, but instead it sounded more like a whine. Regulus bit his cheek until it bled.
“Do you know that relationships work both ways?” Lupin asked, forcing him to stop. Now Lupin was literally hovering over Regulus. “Have you ever thought about how it looks for Sirius?” Lupin’s voice was low and fierce. He looked into Regulus’ face as if trying to find something there. “I thought, you should know him better,” the words felt like they had been stabbed into Regulus’ stomach. “When Sirius thinks he’s fucked up, he runs. But he hadn’t fucked up, not now. So stop being an offended child and talk to him.”
With those words, Lupin turned around and started going away. Regulus was still standing motionless, as if he had been struck by a Petrificus Totalus. He needed a couple of seconds to come to his senses and notice that Lupin had almost disappeared from sight.
“Where are you going, Lupin?” Regulus shouted. “Our shift isn’t over!”
“So report me to Paul!” Lupin shouted back, turning around for a moment and spreading his arms.
Regulus was left alone in the corridor. Something hot and prickly curled inside his chest, and he knew that if he didn’t do anything right now, this something would eat him alive. He waved his wand furiously, and a column of red sparks hit the wall, leaving a dark spot on it. He exhaled loudly. It barely helped.
There were gasps and indignation everywhere. What indecency! What the hell are you doing, boy? Outrageous! We could have been hurt! And so on and on.
“Oh, shut the fuck up, you old daubs!” Regulus said grumpily to the portraits. “Reparo!” The dark spot on the wall disappeared. “Happy?”
Regulus continued his patrol, accompanied by the unceasing exclamations of the portraits. Yes, he will finish his shift like a proper prefect. Besides, he didn’t want to return to his dormitory, not feeling like that.
“Fucking Lupin,” Regulus muttered to himself, his heart still racing. How dare this twat talk such nonsense to him and then just walk away like that? One part of Regulus had already begun to plan a duel with this column of a man.
Don’t like me? Don’t trust me? It’s mutual, bastard! “I thought, you should know him better.” And what is that supposed to mean? Regulus still couldn’t figure out why this phrase had burned a hole in him. Sirius hadn’t fucked up? Lupin obviously didn’t understand what he was saying at all. It wasn’t surprising that he justified Sirius, he was his friend after all, or what it is called. But his confidence and forceful still couldn’t get out of Regulus’ head. What if Regulus was really missing something? What if he really should talk to Sirius?
No, it was stupid. If Sirius had wanted to talk to Regulus, he would have done it a long time ago. He avoided him, he didn’t owl to him.
He said that he gave up on him and abandoned him.
Regulus stopped abruptly.
He promised himself he would never think about that evening. That he would banish these memories to the farthest and darkest corner of his mind and would never, never remember them. He was shaking now.
The corridor was empty. It was curfew time, and his shift was almost over. Regulus leaned against the cold wall and tried to calm his breathing. Images of his brother flooded his mind. Sirius’s talking. Sirius’s shouting. Sirius’s whispering. And the worst and scariest of all – Sirius’ silence.
“Stop it, stop it, stop it,” Regulus repeated in a ragged whisper, pressing the palms of his hands into his eye sockets so hard that they started to hurt. “Stop it, stop it, stop it – ”
“Are you alright?”
Regulus wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh or to jump out of the window. Probably, both. Instead, he felt as if his whole body had turned to stone. He slowly lowered the palms from his face. And although his hands were now made of stone, they were still shaking slightly.
“What do you want?” he heard his own hoarse voice.
“I want to talk,” Sirius replied.
It was all just a bad dream. Regulus dreamed, sweating in his cold bed, and was about to wake up any moment. But a moment passed, and then another, and another. And Regulus was still there, in a dark corridor, looking at his older brother. And his older brother was looking back at him.
Regulus carefully pulled himself away from the wall and started to leave, picking up speed with each stride. He had to resist the urge to run.
“Reggie, please – ”
Something in Sirius voice made him stop.
“Please, can we just – ” Sirius was standing right in front of him now. He looked miserable. “I want to talk.”
“Talk then,” Regulus replied carefully.
“Not here, can we,” Sirius looked around and nodded forward, “the classroom.”
Without saying anything, Regulus started walking towards the closest classroom. Sirius right behind him.
“What do you want, Sirius?” he asked again after his brother had cast a pile of protective spells. Regulus felt empty, as if he was a clay figurine from which all the insides had been scraped out. He definitely wasn’t ready to talk about anything with Sirius, but his feet were rooted to the floor.
“I – ” Sirius shifted from one foot to the other, looking away. Regulus had never seen him like that. “I want to say sorry.”
Sirius was never sorry. At least not to him.
Regulus had wanted to hear those words for so long that it seemed they had lost all meaning.
“For what?” Regulus asked. His own voice sounded alien and distant.
“Come on, Reg,” Sirius was looking at him now, something familiar was finally awakening inside his eyes. “You know what I mean!”
“Don’t have a clue,” someone else spoke for Regulus.
“Okay, fine!” Sirius mused his hair harshly – a sure sign that he was getting annoyed. Something alive stirred in Regulus’ chest. “I’m sorry for being an arse.”
“You’re always an arse,” Regulus said calmly. “Could you be more specific, please?”
“You want me to say it out loud, then?” Sirius began to pace around the room. His voice was getting louder. “I – I’m sorry I avoided you!”
“That’s not new either,” Regulus clenched and unclenched his fist, watching his brother’s nervous movements. Control of his body was slowly returning to Regulus. “Something else or I can go?”
“Why do you always have to be like that?” Sirius growled. “I’m sorry for didn’t write to you.”
“I guess you’ve been busy,” Regulus replied simply.
“It’s not like that!” Sirius shouted now.
Something in Regulus’s chest was no longer just stirring, it was getting burn. And it felt right. Yes, yes, yes. They’ll shout, maybe will cast a couple of curses at each other, and then they’ll go in different directions, and everything will be as before, as it should be.
“Like what, Sirius?” Regulus voice was louder now too.
“I wasn’t busy!” he stopped and looked directly at Regulus’ face. “I was scared!”
“Oh, the great and fearless Sirius Black was scared by a piece of parchment and a jar of ink?”
“No, Reg, I – ”
And then Sirius did the most unexpected thing ever – he began to cry.
That was another thing he had never done. Not in front of Regulus, at least. Sirius never cried, not even when he was little, not even when Mother shouted at him, not even when she beat the shit out of him, not even when Nelly had gone. A couple of times in the distant past, Regulus heard Sirius’ muffled sobs through the closed door of his bedroom. But when he sneaked inside at night, Sirius always managed to clean himself up and Regulus never questioned him about those sounds.
It was Regulus who couldn’t block his eye waterfall. It seemed like everything could bring him to tears when he was a child. He cried when Sirius teased him, he cried when he forgot some word in French, he cried when Nelly had gone, he cried when Mother forced him to watch her punish Sirius. He cried so often, that he couldn’t even remember how many times Mother cast Selencio on him. And it was Sirius who calmed him down afterwards. Sirius was taking him as far away from everyone as possible, hugging him and telling him that everything going to be alright. Another lie. Regulus believed in it every time.
But eventually, Sirius was no longer around and Regulus’ eye waterfall had dried up.
Blacks don’t cry.
And now, there was Sirius in the middle of the empty classroom, shaking and very much crying. Big, ugly tears rolled down his cheeks and chin, and he tried to wipe them away with the sleeves of his shirt and the palms of his hands frantically. He seemed to be losing to his own eyes. He did not try to hide or escape, though.
Regulus looked at him in a daze. His mind absolute blank.
“Fuck,” Sirius muttered, sniffing and sobbing. “Why can’t it just – Ugh!” He growled and stopped trying to remove tears from his face for a moment. “Fuck it! Those bloody tears haven’t stopped all August,” he smiled at Regulus with a tired, sad smile. “See, Reg, I’m a mess!” he spread his arms and sniffed loudly. “I – I promised that – that I’m not going anywhere, but – but Merlin!” another sob. “You’re – you’re not – not making it easy, little brother.”
He sighed with his whole body; he wasn’t crying that much any more.
“Okay,” another sigh. “Okay, Reg, you wanted to know what I was scared about?” It was obvious that it was difficult for him to say – the words came out blurred and shaky. “I was scared that she’d come after me, like the last time,” his voice sounded so small now. Regulus couldn’t move even if he wanted. “And I was scared those fucking tears would never end. And if you noticed,” he chuckled sadly, “I was right! But most of all, I was scared of you,” there was a strangled sound somewhere in the back of Sirius’ throat. “Not of you, but – but that you don’t want me. I was scared to write to you and wouldn’t receive the answer,” Sirius made little pauses again and again. “I started thousands of times, but it was all stupid and not right, and I panicked, and cried again, and – and then I thought maybe it was too late. You know, too late for letters, for us,” his words were drowned in tears, “being friends again. Is it, Reg? Is it too late?”
Regulus’ eyes felt itchy and burning, his throat dry and compressed. There were no thoughts in his mind, not even one. There was only the big, watery eyes of his older brother in front of him, so big, and blue, and desperate. Sirius’ wanted him back.
Regulus shook his head. And then again. And then again.
Sirius sobbed. There was something like a cautious smile on his face. “Could we just, please,” he asked quietly. “Please, try again? Please.”
Regulus nodded. And then again. And then again.
Sirius’s smile grew wider. “Can I - ?” Sirius took a step forward and held out his arms. Regulus nodded once more. And then Sirius embraced him. His trembling body felt warm and nice against Regulus’ chest. “I missed you,” Sirius said, and began to cry with renewed vigour.
Slowly, Regulus’ wooden arms wrapped around his brother’s back. “I,” he finally said, no louder than a whisper, “missed you too.”
Notes:
Thanks for all your kudos and comments <3
And I strongly recommend the song from the epigraph. It's sooooo good!
Chapter 3: A FISH
Summary:
Kinda messy chapter, in which Regulus gets A LOT of condemnation and a bit of support.
Notes:
CW: bullying, child abuse, passive suicidal thoughts, addiction.
Chapter Text
Thinking ‘bout it now, just what might have been
Thinking ‘bout it now, things will never be the same
But I’ll remember everythin’ you said to me
I’ll remember best of all
The love we shared, the tears that fell now
“ I’ll Remember” by The Kinks
Thursday 15 September 1977
Regulus didn’t remember how he returned to his dorm that night. And he definitely didn’t remember them doing much of the talking then, but Sirius acted rather annoyingly from that time. Regulus was starting to miss the days when Sirius avoided him.
His brother was everywhere. He frantically waved to Regulus throughout the whole Great Hall at meals, called for Regulus in the corridors, trapped Regulus after classes. Sirius even showed up for one of his prefects’ patrols and spooked out Greengrass. He tried to act normally then – if Sirius’ behaviour could ever be called normal – but it did not escape Regulus’ attention how big and round his brother’s eyes became when he saw Greengrass. Of course, neither of them said anything about it.
Actually, they didn’t talk about what had happened in the past. It seemed like Sirius was going to pretend that everything between them had always been fine, as if the years of mutual betrayal, fighting and ignoring had never existed. Maybe Sirius could have done that, but Regulus couldn’t.
Every time Regulus saw his older brother, his mind was attacked by all these contradictory and inconsistent memories. “Come on, Reggie,” whined little Sirius, trying to drag doubting Regulus deeper into the forest. “That’s not scary! You’ll love it!” And then there was Sirius bleeding on the floor of his bedroom. He was older now, Gryffindor posters all over the walls. “Go away, Reg,” he said quietly, looking down at the floor. “I don’t need your help.” He looked up and there was another Sirius then, with delirious eyes and shaking hands. The summer moon shone through the curtains of Regulus’ room. “Just the two of us together against the whole world. Remember?” Sirius whispered, his voice row. And then his voice higher and calmer. “Maybe she just went on a holiday?” he said, stroking Regulus’ back with his small hands. “Maybe house elves do it too?” Regulus remembered how his heart, broken into endless pieces, was smoothed out a bit because of that calm voice, and he remembered how the same voice had broken it again and again. “You’re not a helpless child anymore!” Sirius hissed, barely holding back a shout. “You could do something! Say something!”
Different versions of his brother clouded Regulus’ mind and blocked him from understanding what he wanted from present Sirius. He needed to win time to figure this out, so he looked down in the Great Hall, pretended he didn’t hear the calls in the corridors, said he was busy after classes, even if he wasn’t. Although, Sirius didn’t take the hints or just ignored them, because he continued to chase Regulus everywhere, even in his dreams. It was driving Regulus crazy. Especially after Sirius started to persuade Regulus to join his barmy little gang at Hogsmeade weekend. “Come on, Reggie,” he whined, following Regulus once again after a class, “it’s gonna be fun! Everyone gonna like you, you’ll see.” Regulus chuckled. Not that even Sirius himself liked him.
“Black! Get your head out of your arse and focus!” Regulus twitched as the captain’s voice rumbled through the field, reaching him.
It was the first official quidditch practice of the year, and Regulus was supposed to be fast and concentrated, but instead, he continued to zone out. He has done so more and more often these past months. Nights were always terrible, but now even the noise and light of day could not drown out the acid whispers and decaying darkness of his thoughts.
Flying didn’t help that much either. It was a true blessing that his stupid body remembered how to fly without his mind being really involved. Otherwise, Regulus would have crashed already. He looked down. The ground was so far under him. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe if he rose a little higher and then let go of his hands and legs –
“Oi, Black!” Mulciber bumped into him slightly. Regulus instinctively grabbed his broom tighter. Stupid cowardly body. “Are you best friends with your bloodtraitor brother now?” the bulky boy said with a sneer.
“Did a bludger hit your head hard enough you forget your position on the field?” Regulus asked coldly, looking for the snitch. He didn’t remember when and how long ago he lost sight of it.
“Don’t be so touchy-feely, Black,” Mulciber said, barring Regulus’ way. “We are teammates, you can trust me.”
“I wouldn’t trust you even to clean my toilet,” Regulus replied, flying around the pesky beater. Where is this bloody snitch?
“So there is really something going on between you two,” Mulciber was still picking up speed to keep up with Regulus. “Are you going to betray –”
Regulus stopped sharply and Mulciber, who was still hurrying after him, almost fell from his broomstick. “I think you forgot who you’re talking to,” Regulus said darkly, looking down at another boy. Mulciber opened his mouth but not a sound came out of there.
“Mulciber, if you don’t stop flirting with Black,” Dorcas’ rough voice was heard again. “There will be one more vacant beater place in this team!”
After this, the practice became more bearable. Regulus didn’t know should he be grateful to Mulciber or what, but he finally managed to concentrate on reaching the tiny golden ball and practising techniques. It was nice to really focus on something he liked, for exception. Regulus was in the middle of a decent enough Spiral Dive when Captain Meadowes called for the team’s assembly down the field. She watched the whole drill from above and shouted instructions as usual.
“Alright team,” Dorcas said with a frown, crossing her arms over her chest and walking back and forth in front of a line of Slytherins’ Quidditch team. “For the first practice of the year, it was,” she looked intently into everyone’s eyes, “utter disaster. Most of you acted as if you had never sat on a broom before. Parkins, have you forgotten how to hold the quaffle?” The girl opened her mouth helplessly, but Meadowes continued already. “Mulciber, what was that? And I don’t say about anything in particular, I asked what was that in general? Thanks for waking Black up, at least.” The captain looked at Regulus with a pointed raised eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. “Did last year’s victory,” she continued to everyone, “turn your heads so much that you thought like – oh!” She said sarcastically actively gesturing. “I’m the god of quidditch now! I don’t need practices! Is that so?” Dorcas looked at them expectantly but no one responded. “I expect everyone to do extra drills this week and be in better shape for the next practice. Do I make myself clear?” Everyone nodded. Regulus didn’t need to be told that, he went out on the field almost every day anyway. “Dismissed.”
“Black! A word,” Dorcas called out to him after Regulus had already turned around to leave the field. “Should I worry about our match against the Lions?” she asked serenely when no one was near.
Regulus was always amazed by how she could so quickly switch between full rage and calm attentiveness. Meadowes was a very good captain and an amazing keeper. After she took charge last year, she replaced half of the team, forcing everyone to retake the tryouts. As a result of the most non-senseless quidditch drills in Regulus’ life, Slytherin won the Cup, beating Gryffindor. That was the first time Potter lost the Cup. No matter how vile he was, Potter was extremely talented at quidditch, even Regulus had to admit it. But Regulus knew that with Meadowes by their side, they could win again. And they will.
“No, you shouldn’t,” Regulus answered.
“Good,” Meadowes said with a nod. “I rely on you, Regulus,” she added firmly. “I know you can do it.”
Sometimes she spoke to him like that, like she saw in front of her not the present Regulus, but the boy he used to be many years ago. The boy needed to be told he was able to do things. Like in the third year then he failed his beater tryout, and she said that the seeker’s position suited him better. Or like when she said to nine-year-old Regulus, he might not agree with Sirius on everything. He had known Dorcas for almost half of his life, and was surprisingly glad for that.
“Of course I can,” Regulus said assuredly.
“Good,” she replied, light in her eyes. “Not detaining you anymore.”
Regulus was walking down the corridor, his hair still a little wet after the shower, mind full of thoughts about the upcoming match, when he saw a familiar picture in the distance. He noticed Rosier first – his neat blonde hair, his relaxed posture, the unkind grin on his face. He was twirling a wand that was clearly not his own and was talking slowly to a boy pressed against the wall. The corridor was quiet, but not empty. Students were passing by, occasionally glancing at Rosier and Bourke, and then looking away immediately.
“Expelliarmus,” said a tired voice from behind Regulus. The wand flew sharply from Rosier’s hand and Regulus barely managed to dodge its way.
“What the –” Regulus started irritably, turning around, but someone’s shoulder hit him hard, and then he saw Lupin storming towards Evan.
“Detention, Rosier,” he said, not paying any attention to Regulus.
“For what?” Rosier said defiantly, raising his wand.
“For bullying,” Lupin answered simply.
“Bulling? Don’t be ridiculous, I was just helping a good friend of mine with his wand. Right, Ciaran mate?” Evan said, hugging Bourke’s shoulders with his free hand. The wand still tightly squeezed in his other.
Bourke shuddered but nodded eagerly. Regulus stopped for a little, thinking about going the other way, but the dorm was on that side and he wanted to do his essay on A History of Magic while his brain was still working normally, so –
“Filch will be waiting for you tomorrow at six,” Lupin said, as if he hadn’t heard Rosier at all, and then he held out the wand to Bourke. “Here, you can go now,” the boy shifted his frightened gaze from Lupin to Rosier and back. “I said you can go,” Lupin repeated more firmly now. Bourke nodded again and hurried away, without looking up at Evan.
“Do you think you’re a smart one, huh?” Rosier said maliciously and, when Lupin didn’t answer, he continued. “How do they even allow someone like you to have this shiny thing?” He clicked Lupin’s prefect badge with his finger. Lupin didn’t even flinch. “Revelling in your power while you can, yeah, a jealous halfblood bastard?”
“Are you done?” Lupin asked calmly.
Regulus couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Lupin was playing the cold-blooded hero, like he was saving the day with ease, but he would be the one who would cause Bourke to be punished twice as hard afterwards. Maybe he was stupid enough not to understand this, or maybe he was hypocritical enough not to care. Regulus couldn’t decide what he despised more.
“Maybe I should tell the Headmaster that you abused your power against the respected and honourable student?” Evan said, raising an eyebrow.
Lupin looked around for a bit. “Don’t see the one out here,” he said. Regulus understood why Rosier couldn’t shut up, but Lupin could leave immediately after Bourke. Why was he still goading Evan? He definitely wasn’t that type. Oh, Regulus realised, he was detaining Evan so that Bourke managed to get to his room. What dedication!
By this point, Regulus was close enough to them for Evan to notice him.
“Oi Regulus!” Rosier called out to him. “Don’t you want to reassure your colleague?”
They were both looking at him expectedly now. He certainly should have gone the other way.
“Not my shift,” Regulus said, shrugging his shoulders.
Evan snorted in outrage, clearly not expecting such an answer. Regulus didn’t know why – he never really stood up for Rosier.
“You will regret it,” Evan hissed to Lupin, then glared at Regulus and rushed away.
“You know you should be doing this, right?” Lupin asked Regulus unfriendly.
He hadn’t talked to Regulus since their shared patrol, but he expressed his disgust in another way. Almost every time Sirius appeared on the horizon with his wide maniac smile and sweeping gestures, there was a gloomy and silent shadow beside him. Lupin burned Regulus with his eyes in the Great Hall, gave Regulus nasty looks at the corridors, watched intently as Sirius talked to Regulus from a distance. If Regulus finds poison in his food tomorrow, he will bet on Lupin.
“So report me to Nyirongo,” Regulus replied.
---
Wednesday 20 September 1977
There was a fish staring at him with its big unblinking eyes. It had shimmering blue scales and long black fins fluttering in dark water. It was glowing and staring. Regulus didn’t like it.
The Slytherin common room was huge and grim, full of heavy dark wood and emerald-green dense fabric. Regulus wouldn’t be surprised if it was the work of the same designer as the Grimmauld Place. And it felt almost like home – like the creeping familiar way of goosebumps on his back. There was only one significant difference: where manicured gardens grew outside the windows at the Grimmauld Place, there were layers of water behind these windows.
Someone might say the room was fascinating, but Regulus thought it was eerie. When Regulus saw these big windows and a high ceiling ending in a glass dome for the first time, he was terrified. The prefect said it was enchanted and safe, but the word safe never meant much to Regulus. He couldn’t get rid of the vision of all the glasses bursting abruptly and the water of the Black Lake flooding the whole room, and then his lungs, taking away first his breath, and then his life. He avoided staying in the room longer than it was necessary. But he was already eleven and not allowed to be scared. That’s why when Evan teased him with the question “Are you afraid of being there?”, Regulus hexed him and then spent the whole day sitting in the common room, trying hard not to shake.
He wasn’t afraid of the shattering windows and ceilings anymore. Sometimes, he even thought about breaking them by himself. Sometimes, he could even feel the water in his lungs.
Regulus still didn’t like the common room very much, but there was his own place at least. The big, deep chair was facing the room at first, but Regulus moved it closer to the window and further away from others. It took a couple of months in his first year and some of Narcissa’s advices, for everyone to know it was the chair of the youngest Black. Somewhen in the third year, Regulus realised that Narcissa had definitely done more than just give him advices. She had denied it up until then.
Every Slytherin student knew that it was Regulus’ chair. Except for the one little first-year, apparently. When Regulus approached his chair and was already about to get himself comfortable, he finally noticed her and froze in surprise. The girl was reading a thick book, climbing with her feet on the chair, her tiny shoes on the floor. For a moment, Regulus saw himself in her dark curls. But then, the girl shuddered seeing him in the window reflection, and the illusion dissolved.
“Prefect Black!” she cried out, looking up at him with her wide-open brown eyes. “I’m sorry! Have I taken your place?” There was panic at the edges of her words. Regulus frowned. “Oh, I’m so-so sorry!” The girl closed the book in one motion, jumped off the chair and hurried away with socked feet.
“Your shoes,” Regulus said to her back. The girl stopped in the middle of the room, her shoulders tense up. The room became quieter, students glanced at them and whispered to each other. The girl turned around slowly, horror in her eyes. Regulus had become the one whom little girls were afraid of. He suddenly felt sick. “You can take them,” Regulus said and made a step away from the chair.
The girl waved her wand, her body stiff, but arm motion light and clear. “Accio the shoes,” she said faintly, then clutched the shoes to her chest, along with the book, and ran out of the common room. Some girls giggled but immediately fell silent when they noticed Regulus’ heavy gaze on them.
He sat down in his chair, it was still warm, and it felt almost nice. But then Regulus remembered the girl’s eyes and looked at his reflection in the window glass. He looked at the blurred and barely discernible image of a boy, and couldn’t understand whether this boy was scary or not.
The boy was a Black. He wore his mother’s sharp cheekbones and his father’s dead eyes. The older Regulus got, the more often he shuddered when he saw a Black in his mirror. But did others see the same thing? Did they see the promise of suffering looking at him?
Of course, they did. And that was great, really. It’s safe to be intimidating. No one will ever mess around with you if they are scared of you. No one will pose a threat to you.
But was a little girl a real threat to him?
And at that moment, he saw the fish. It was staring at him. Judging him.
Salazar, you are going mad, Regulus thought. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the sounds around him. The common room was busy with voices, the crackling of the fireplace and muffled bursts of Exploding Snap.
Regulus would never admit it to anyone, but he liked noise. Okay, he didn’t like it, but rather he needed it. Sometimes his thoughts were so loud that they were more real than the real world. At those moments, hours really, he couldn’t do anything at all, especially studying, which was the true disaster. The words merged into one continuous mess on the pages of his books; it was torture. But noise helped. He didn’t know how it worked, but it did.
Actually, he came here for this. Regulus managed to get through a dozen other pages of the Astronomy textbook, but when he started to change the position of his stiff body, he noticed that the stupid fish kept staring at him. Regulus purposefully placed his chair exactly so that no one could stare at him. And now this bloody fish –
No, he won’t let it. Regulus slowly raised his wand. He concentrated hard to avoid hitting the glass with the spell. He wasn’t ready to drown right then. Maybe another day. “Flipendo,” he said darkly. The jinx went through the window, causing a small wobble in the glass, and knocked the fish into the algae-covered thickets.
“Didn’t anyone tell her?” Regulus heard the hushed voice of some girl.
“No,” whispered another girl in amusement. “It’s a pity you didn’t see it. I thought she’d pee herself out of fear. This fool also forgot her shoes, can you imagine?”
Regulus stood up sharply and left the common room hastily, accompanied by silent and terrified glances from the girls. At times like those, he wished he had a worse ability to hear.
Regulus just wanted to read and do his homework, and to be left alone. It seemed like it was time to go to the library. He was not a big fan – too quiet for distractions, but too crowded for his taste – but now it felt like a good enough option. Still, Regulus did not think about one particular obstacle.
“Alright, little brother?”
“Go away, Sirius,” Regulus said through his teeth, without slowing down the pace. Of course, he needed to show up exactly now!
“Wow!” Sirius said, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “What made your knickers in a twist, Reggie?”
“I asked you to stop calling me that.”
“Why don’t you like it? I think it sounds rad!” Sirius exclaimed, following him.
“Really?” Regulus raised an eyebrow at his brother. “It sounds like a dog’s nickname.”
“Hey!” Sirius sounded offended. “Do you have something against dogs?”
Maybe a little too offended.
“No,” Regulus sighed. “Doesn’t mean I want to be one, though.”
Sirius just shrugged and continued to chase him, putting his hands in the pockets of his untidy robes. They were alone in the corridor. Regulus liked this way exactly because it was unpopular and usually empty. There were no chances that he would meet Sirius here by accident.
“How do you always find me?” Regulus asked suspiciously.
Sirius stopped and grabbed Regulus’ hand to stop him too. The expression on his face was too serious for, well, Sirius. Regulus’ guts twisted.
“I need to tell you something,” he said, lowering his voice and looking intensely into Regulus’ eyes. Regulus froze and Sirius leaned close to his ear. “I’m a wizard,” he whispered.
Regulus kicked him hard.
“Ouch!” Sirius laughed, rubbing his knee that Regulus had hit.
“Did you, tosser, cast some tracking charms on me?” Regulus hissed.
“No!” Sirius answered vigorously, and then mumbled, “I guess kinda –”
“What?!” Regulus shoved him again. For a moment, he was nine again and couldn’t hex or jinx Sirius properly with magic, so he needed to use the physical force of his tiny child’s body. It felt almost like a hug, but in an angry way.
“I was kidding!” Sirius said, raising his hands again. “Stop hitting me!”
“Stop being an idiot!” Regulus glared at Sirius. “Oh, sorry,” he said teasingly, “I forgot that it’s impossible for you.”
Sirius laughed again. An ugly barking sound. Regulus missed it. He would deny it even under torture, though.
“Why are you stalking me, Sirius?” Regulus asked, continuing to walk down the corridor.
“Stalking is a big word,” he answered in a thoughtful voice. “I prefer – making sure you don’t get lonely.”
“Okay,” Regulus said with a sigh. “Why are you making sure I don’t get lonely right now?”
“Come with me to Hogsmeade,” Sirius said softly.
Regulus frowned, his muscles tensed. “I’ve already said it a thousand times – no.”
“And I’m asking you for the thousand and first time, come to Hogsmeade, with me.”
“Sirius –” Regulus started, looking tiredly at Sirius.
“Reggie, just listen,” Sirius interrupted him. “I realised it’s too soon for us to go somewhere with other people, even if they’re totally brilliant,” Regulus remembered Lupin’s hateful looks and huffed. “So, please, please, please,” Sirius folded his hands in a begging gesture, his voice annoyingly high, “come with me to Hogsmeade. Only me. And you, obviously,” he added. “Please?”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Don’t start crying again.”
“Would it work?” he asked eagerly.
“No!” Regulus crossed his arms over his chest. Sirius frowned, he looked genuinely upset.
“Why?” he whined. “It’s just a silly little trip to Hogsmeade. We can walk through the village, have some butterbeer, if you be nice, I’ll buy you a book and a sugar quill.”
“I won’t fall for your pranks again,” Regulus sounded more wounded than he wished.
“Ugh!” Sirius growled. “It’s not a prank! I just wanna hang out with you, you wanker! What do I have to do to make you believe me? Do you wanna make a blood oath like in childhood?”
Sirius seemed truly irritated and upset. Like he wasn’t lying. Maybe he wasn’t? He even suggested a blood oath by himself, usually it was Regulus’ territory. Blood oaths were safe, blood oaths were reliable. But Sirius wasn’t. Even if he didn’t lie, – and Regulus began to believe in it, – there was always a chance he would break the contract out of his stupidity. So Regulus decided to refuse the oath not because he trusted Sirius, but because he didn’t want him dead.
“Okay,” Regulus said.
“Do you wanna make it now?” Sirius asked with a vague gesture.
“What?” Regulus frowned in confusion. “We can’t go to Hogsmeade until the weekend.”
“Oh,” Sirius exhaled sharply, as if he had been poked with a pin. “I thought you were talking about an oath,” he murmured bashfully.
“Oh,” Regulus echoed his brother. Sirius was really ready for a blood oath, just to spend some time with him. “No, I,” his throat suddenly dry. “I’ll come with you to Hogsmeade.”
There was a small pause and then, “Wicked!” Sirius cried out and hugged Regulus tightly, lifting him above the ground.
“Gerroff, ugh!” Regulus muttered, trying to get out of his strong arms. “You should really stop doing it.”
“It’s a date, lil brother!” Sirius finally released him. “You’re not allowed to change your mind.”
“Fine!” Regulus sighed loudly.
---
Tuesday 27 September 1977
The past few days have been unpleasant, to say the least. Neither flying nor noises worked well. Wherever and whenever Regulus was, his mind drifted deeper into itself, playing over and over again scattered pieces of Regulus’ life. And even if at first these memories seemed fine or maybe even pleasant, at some point they all turned into something with fangs and claws.
He couldn’t stop thinking about the next Saturday. The Hogsmeade day. Regulus remembered the big smile on Sirius’ face, when he was leaving him at the library and his limbs went cold. It was all a huge mistake. Regulus must have told Sirius to fuck off, or run away from him, or ignore him, or hex him. Regulus could have done so much, but instead, he yielded to Sirius again. Like a stupid child. Like he always does. He could never resist Sirius for long. Weak and pathetic.
And now he had no choice. He had already agreed and had to go. Stupid, stupid Regulus.
It’s going to be a complete disaster. There was always a chance that Sirius would betray him like usual. He might not show up at all and make a fool out of Regulus, or might even do some idiotic prank again and, well, make a fool out of Regulus. But what if he wouldn’t? What if Sirius really just wanted to spend time with him? That was the most terrifying thought of all. Regulus knew how to deal with betrayal, he was used to it, but his mind went blank when he thought about the alternative option. And what was this option even? What did Sirius want from him? Whatever it was, Regulus was sure he hadn’t it.
Two of them didn’t spend time like this for years. And Regulus thought perhaps Sirius wanted to spend time not with him, but with the boy, he was a long time ago.
No, that was also stupid. This boy was never good enough for Sirius. Sirius turned away from him as soon as he found better options. In truth, he never wanted to spend time with Regulus voluntarily. He did it because Regulus was the only one around.
And what has changed now? Was it the bloody August 3rd? Did Sirius change his opinion of Regulus after Regulus’ actions? Did he think Regulus could be like his reckless and rebellious Gryffindors now? In fact, it was not out of bravery that Regulus acted, but out of fear. It was a momentary weakness, not a heroic act like Sirius thought. And when he found out the truth, he would have spat in Regulus’ face and –
It was all so fucked up. Regulus wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.
But falling asleep was hard enough. When during the day he could at least distract himself a little with classes, homework, quidditch drills or prefects’ duties, at night he was left alone with all these thoughts.
Regulus could only try to quiet his mind by following his usual routine. After a few nights, his thighs were row, and each time it helped less. At some point in the early hours of Tuesday night, his mind was so exhausted that Regulus didn’t even notice he had finally fallen into a brief, uneasy sleep.
There was a sharp, deafening sound of breaking china and Regulus knew what would happen next. He stood frozen in anticipation.
“Just hold still,” Sirius whispered to him and shielded Regulus with his child body.
“Sirius!” They heard the shrieking voice of Mother. She burst into the room, the wand already clenched in her hand. “What did I say to you?” Mother grabbed Sirius’ arm roughly and bent down to his face, her eyes frantic. “Abominable bumbling boy!”
Sirius was looking directly into her eyes, not saying anything. Silently taking full responsibility again. Always needed to be the centre of attention.
Now or never, Regulus thought. His heart racing, his palms getting wet.
“It was me, maman,” he said in a high-pitched, trembling voice, and took a step from Sirius’ back. “I broke it.”
Mother turned her face away from Sirius to Regulus. She was looking at him as if she had just noticed his presence. But she was looking at him. Everything inside Regulus seemed to turn upside down.
“Is it true?” she asked Sirius, her voice low and dangerous. Sirius’ eyes were full of horror now, he glanced at Regulus quickly.
“No,” he lied and shook his head furiously. “No, he just –”
“It was me, maman!” Regulus repeated stubbornly, his voice louder now. “It was me!”
Mother didn’t look at him again, didn’t hear him. Regulus’ eyes were burning. Maybe if he’s loud enough –
“It was me, maman!” he squealed, stamping his little foot. “It was me!”
“How dare you to lie to me, boy?” Mother barked at Sirius, squeezing his hand harder. “Selencio,” she threw the spell at Regulus, without even looking at him. Regulus stiffened. He felt so small, even smaller than he actually was. As if a tiny bug, so tiny that no one could bother with him, so tiny no one could notice him. He was crying now, but couldn’t hear a sob. “And how could you not keep an eye on your brother?!” Mother continued at the same time. “Worthless!” She shrieked, abruptly pulling up Sirius’ shirt sleeves. “Shameful!” She shouted insults, red flashes went from her wand, leaving neat thin bloody lines on Sirius’ arm.
Regulus watched it through a watery veil. And then he blinked, the perspective of the scene was different. “Liar!” He heard his own spiteful voice. Sirius was in front of him, bent down on the floor. His eyes full of tears, his arm in blood. “Show-off!” Regulus was waving the wand in his hand violently, leaving more and more marks on Sirius’ hand. “Insolent! Bent! Arrogant” Sirius was lying on the floor now, the blood was everywhere. “I hate you! Hate you! Hate you!”
Regulus woke up, shaking. The iron still in his nose, in his throat. He took a deep breath not to vomit. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t.
He has to stop it. Fuck sluggishness, fuck classes and everything, he just needed to shut his cruel mind and sleep properly for at least one night. It was stupid and presumptuous to think he’d handle it without the Dreamless Sleep Potion. Regulus hated himself so much at that moment.
He didn’t brew the potion at home on purpose. After he almost failed his OWLs last summer because of the nasty side effects, Regulus decided that he had to quit and find another solution to his sleep problems.
Regulus didn’t remember much of July and August 1976. He took the potion almost constantly, didn’t able to cope with everything after Sirius –
And when the fifth year started, Regulus was quite out of his mind. But it didn’t stop him then, and the whole past year was one big blur for him. At the end, Regulus could barely write his own name on the test parchment. He couldn’t allow it for himself again.
But it’s just for one week, he told himself now, still a little shaking in his bed. Just to go through the Saturday. And when, and when he could quit again. Of course, he could. He hardly used it for months, so it wasn’t that hard. Just to go through this bloody week.
There was a problem. Regulus Black was an excellent potioner, but even he couldn’t brew a potion in one day that takes almost a week to brew. He could have asked Kreacher to buy it for him, but that was too risky. Regulus frankly didn’t like the option that seemed to be the only available one.
For all the past five years at Hogwarts, he was in the hospital wing twice – both times against his will. The first time, because Barty had caused a panic after Regulus passed out in their dorm in the third year; and the second, because Regulus was hit by a bludger during the match, which was not a big deal, really, but Pomfrey got so fussed up about it.
He didn’t want to humiliate himself in front of the righteous nurse. Regulus knew she wouldn’t simply agree to give him the potion, and he would have to beg her for it, have to grovel and be pathetic. He was sick just by the thought of it.
But the choice was poor. This or he could throw himself off the Astronomy tower very right now.
He decided to go to the hospital wing after breakfast. After breakfast, he decided to go to the hospital wing after classes. After classes, he decided to go to the hospital wing before dinner. And before dinner, he threw up in the toilet on the first floor, and then told himself he wouldn’t survive another night like that. He cleaned himself up and finally went to the hospital wing.
Fortunately, Pomfrey was alone. Unfortunately, she was still the same strict, narrow-minded witch as he remembered her. At first, she tried to sneak into Regulus’ business and find out why he needed the potion, but quickly gave up.
“It’s a very strong potion, Mr Black,” she said stubbornly after Regulus refused to explain why he needed it. “I can’t give it to any student without a special prescription. Do you have it?”
“No,” he answered, trying hard not to sigh and not to roll his eyes, “but I took it earlier and everything was fine.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help you then. Maybe if you tell me more about your condition –”
“You know, I can brew it myself, right?” Regulus spited, unable to contain his irritation.
“Why wouldn’t you do it in this case?” the nurse asked, matching Regulus’ tone and pursing her lips.
Regulus sighted, his cheeks hot. “Look, I haven’t slept properly for a couple of days – that’s exactly why I need it – so if you could just give it to me, I’d appreciate it.”
Pomfrey frowned, her eyes worried. “If you have poor sleep, I could give you a simple sleeping potion, it will help.”
For a moment, Regulus saw Sirius’ blood on his hands. “Thank you,” he said stiffly, “but I need the dreamless one.”
“I see,” the witch said calmly. Salazar’s flabby knob, was it a pity in her eyes? “We all have bad dreams sometimes,” she continued slowly and carefully, as if talking with a child. “Did you know I can help it with the mind healing –”
“No!” Regulus snapped. Pomfrey abruptly shut her mouth and Regulus took a deep breath to calm himself down. “I don’t need it,” he said quickly. “It’s nothing, just a tough start to the year, okay? I need to get a good night’s sleep and everything will be fine.”
“Okay,” the nurse said gently after considering something for a minute. “I’ll give you one bottle, alright? I suppose you already know the instructions?”
“Yes,” he answered with relief. “Yes, I knew exactly how to use it.”
“Good,” Pomfrey said, and went to the cabinet in her office. She returned with a small vial of purple, scintillating liquid. Regulus couldn’t take his eyes off it, but the nurse was not in a hurry to give the vial to him. “I know you are the reasonable one,” she said insinuatingly, intercepting his gaze. “Take no more than one sip at a time and if you would feel anything off, you should come to me right away, okay?”
“Yes, okay, of course,” he lied, taking the potion bottle. His hand shaking slightly. “Thank you,” Regulus managed, at this time more sincerely.
Pomfrey nodded, still looking at him with the same look full of vile pity. Regulus tried not to think about it. He was in anticipation of a beautiful nothing. All that remained was to go down to his room, and he could finally forget himself, at least for a little while.
The dark figure blocked his exit.
“Lupin,” Regulus said, gloomily. It seemed the lanky boy hadn’t expected to see Regulus here either. He looked even more unfriendly than usual.
“Black,” Lupin said through his teeth and took a step aside to let Regulus pass. But when Regulus came around, he bumped his shoulder again. Regulus didn’t have time for these stupid childish games, but he was fed up with them and lack of sleep wasn’t helping.
“If you have something to say to me,” Regulus snapped, “just say it!”
“Okay, I have something to say to you,” Lupin snapped back, turning around sharply. “I know you somehow managed to make Sirius believe you again,” Lupin said, looking down at Regulus viciously, “but I’m not buying it. And if you, miserable prat, make him hurt again,” his low voice almost a whisper, “I’ll rip your throat out with my bare hands. Am I clear, Black?”
What a surprise, yet another nonsense, Regulus thought. He wanted to laugh at Lupin’s ridiculous face.
“You know, Lupin,” Regulus said with a huff, “you’re not as scary as you think you are.”
“Oh, you don’t wanna see me scary,” Lupin said slowly, looking intensely at Regulus. Something golden and dangerous gleamed in his eyes, something almost animalistic, and Regulus realised with wonder that Lupin meant it. Regulus didn’t have a chance to figure out what to answer, because there was the voice of the nurse from the depths of the room.
“Oh, Remus, you’re late!” she said and then noticed Regulus. “Anything else, Mr Black?” Pomfrey asked him carefully. He didn’t miss a flicker of discomfort on her face.
“No,” Lupin said, getting ahead of him, without taking his heavy gaze off. “Mr Black is already leaving us.”
Regulus snorted in indignation and left the hospital wing. By the time he got to the dorm, his hand was hurting; Regulus was clutching the vial so hard. He took the potion and then skipped almost the rest of the school week.
Chapter 4: HOGSMEADE
Summary:
Regulus goes for a walk
Notes:
TW: mention of a relative's death, mention of child abuse (not explicit)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Well I don’t know why I came here tonight.
I’ve got the feeling that something ain’t right.
I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair,
and I’m wondering how I’ll get down the stairs.
“Stuck In The Middle With You” by Stealers Wheels
Saturday 1st October 1977
He had been trying to get out of bed for the second hour. Every time Regulus was about to get up, something heavy and slimy stopped him. What were the chances that Evan or Barty had cast sticking charms on him while he was asleep? No, not likely. They were too scared of Regulus.
Saturday crept up unseen. The potion worked well. Regulus took it, closed his eyes, and the next moment, when he opened them again, it was morning. Days were a blur, though. He somehow managed to attend classes, even went to eat a couple of times, but most of the time he just lingered around with a heavy head.
Today must be different. Today was the Hogsmeade day. And Regulus had to get himself together. He needed to survive this day. After, he’ll take the last part of the potion and tomorrow he’ll be back to normal. (Regulus has already started brewing a new supply of Dreamless Sleep, just in case.)
Regulus was standing in front of the mirror, retying his tie over and over again (it turned out to be either too loose or too tight), when the door opened.
“Ah, you’re up!” Barty said cheerfully. “Here, I’ve brought you some food.” He dropped the plate of pastries on Regulus’ bedside table. The same plate had been there just a few minutes before. Regulus vanished it absentmindedly when he finally managed to unstick himself from the bed.
“Thanks,” Regulus said tonelessly, without turning around.
“Coming to Hogsmeade today?” Barty asked. Regulus could see him in the mirror reflection. Barty was now lying on his bed, a quill already in his hand.
“Yes.”
“Great! Evan and I were talking about Honeyduke’s,” Barty chipped, continuing to draw, “and then we were going to Scrivenshaft’s, I need more ink and then maybe – ”
“I’m not coming with you.”
“But you said – ”
“I said I’m coming to Hogsmeade,” Regulus said. “Didn’t say I’m coming with you.”
“Oh,” he went quiet, Regulus had already breathed a sigh of relief (Barty could be so pesky sometimes), then “So what’s the plan?”
Regulus rolled his eyes. Was it really so hard to leave him alone for once? “Nothing serious,” he said, and immediately grimaced.
“Meeting with someone?”
“No.”
“Okay,” Barty said, stretching out the word. “If you finish your mystery business early, you can find us – ”
“I already said that I’m not – ” Regulus snapped, roughly untying his stupid tie.
“Okay, okay! I get it!” Barty interrupted him harshly. “Just wanted to remind you about your still existing friends.”
Regulus huffed. “As if I could ever forget about you two,” he mumbled to himself, and started to collect his things quickly.
“Maybe we could discuss our Charms homework tomorrow?” Barty asked calmly, ignoring Regulus’ mood as usual. It was one of the most irritating things about him. Barty would always deliberately ‘not notice’ Regulus’ mood or tone, acting as if nothing was wrong. And since when did he start bothering himself with classes anyway?
“Yeah, maybe,” Regulus said, throwing his tie on the bed.
“Take the buns with you, at least,” Barty said, frowning, when Regulus was about to leave already. “You missed breakfast again.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, but shoved the buns into his bag before storming out of the dorm.
---
It was an extremely hot day for October. Regulus had already taken off his robe, but still felt sweat trickling down his back. Ugh, disgusting.
Maybe it wasn’t just the sun that burned him, he was burning from the inside with his own anger. Sirius was late. And Regulus was still annoyed by Barty’s patronizing behaviour. And everyone was looking at him. And Sirius was late.
If Sirius doesn’t show up, Regulus would have killed himself. He couldn’t take the embarrassment.
“Bloody hot out here, innit?”
Regulus twitched involuntary. He was zoning out again and didn’t even notice Sirius approached him.
“Decided to appear, then?”
“What?”
“You’re late.”
“That perfection takes time,” Sirius said, flipping his long hair.
“Oh, I see.” Regulus said in a toneless voice and started walking back to the castle.
“Wait, are you seriously pissed?” Sirius blocked his path. Confusion on his face. “It’s literally only been three minutes!”
“Still.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. Be more punctual next time, deal?”
It was weird at the beginning. Regulus couldn’t remember the last time he had deliberately gone for a walk with anyone. What was he supposed to do? Fortunately, Regulus did not need to come up with anything. Sirius was doing the talking for both of them. He babbled maybe a bit too much, actually. Sirius was still over chatty when he was nervous, Regulus realized at some point, and it made him a little less tense.
Sirius kept telling Regulus ‘the Marauders stories’ (Regulus rolled his eyes so far when he heard the title that his brain hurt), occasionally asking Regulus something. A couple of times he even managed to knock out a little smile from Regulus, to his own surprise.
“…and then I said, of course we can! It’s not that hard to steal…” Sirius was in the middle of another mischief story, when Regulus saw a bird (a goldfinch? Definitely, a goldfinch), flying from branch to branch. It was far away, but Regulus was good at noticing small flying objects.
It was almost like the ordinary one, but it didn’t have black on its head, and it seemed a bit bigger. If Regulus was right, and he was usually, this species of goldfinch didn’t live in Scotland. What are you doing here, little thing?
“… and when we were already in her office – What are you –” Sirius started, but interrupted himself the moment he realized what Regulus was looking at. “Ugh! Don’t tell me you’re still doing that!”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “I still have to write to her about something. And if, obviously, I’m not going to write her about us…” he stumbled, unable to find the right words.
“Made up?”
“Talking again,” Regulus said pointedly, “so I’d write to her about this mysterious goldfinch.”
“Do you want her to fly here to hunt?” Sirius smirked.
“You do know that she doesn’t hunt birds. She collects them.”
“Semantics!” Sirius waved. “I’d rather she killed them than lock them in cages.”
Of course, you had to say something like that, Regulus thought irritated but didn’t say it out loud. It was rather difficult not to quarrel with his brother.
“Besides,” he said instead, keeping his voice steady, “she wouldn’t come here just for an ordinary goldfinch. Even if this particular species isn’t supposed to be in this area.”
“I thought she had disbanded her collection after…” he made some vague gesture, obviously trying to look nonchalant, but his voice trembled a bit at the end of the phrase.
“Uncle Alphard died?” Regulus finished the sentence for his brother. He gave a sidelong glance at Sirius to gauge his reaction.
“Yeah...” he said blankly, looking down at his feet and kicking a pebble absently.
They didn’t know Alphard well. In fact, they both saw him exactly two times. The first one Regulus was too little to remember, and the second one when he was eight. The name of Alphard Black always brought with it much tension at the Grimmauld Place. It wasn’t like his name sounded a lot; Father sometimes mentioned him in passing at family gatherings in some dismissive or disdainful manner, but Mother always quickly changed the topic with a forced smile.
Sirius and Regulus early realized that it was pointless and even dangerous to ask about Uncle Alphard. Only Nelly occasionally answered their questions. But she did it with great effort and briefly, referring to the fact that it upsets Mother. And everyone at Grimmauld Place knew that it was no good to upset Walburga Black.
It was not a big surprise that Sirius was thrilled when Mother announced one morning that Uncle Alphard would stay with them for a couple of days. Sirius always loved mysteries and Alphard Black was the biggest mystery of all. The little brothers spent half the night before his arrival chattering excitedly about what their uncle would really be like. Would he be like the other Blacks – majestic, boring and unsafe? Would he be unpredictable and short-tempered like Mother or cold and distant like Father? Or maybe he would be like some really bad monsters from Nelly’s stories? At that moment, Sirius and Regulus already knew that Alphard had been disowned by their family. He must have done something truly terrible to deserve it, right?
Before Uncle arrived at Grimmauld Place that autumn, Regulus and Sirius received strict instructions from Mother. They had to behave and never mention that Alphard was staying at Grimmauld Place to anyone. Ever. Especially to Father. He was away on a business trip at the time, as always.
Regulus expected to see whomever, but he certainly wasn’t prepared for real Alphard. Regulus remembered him as a slim, elegant man with twinkling eyes and a broad smile. Yes, he was clearly a Black – with his high cheekbones and inky black hair. Alphard looked much like Mother and Uncle Cygnus, but above all, he looked like Sirius as if he was an adult.
Alphard Black was a big weirdo. First of all, he brought presents for Sirius and Regulus, and not some uncomfortable dress robes or heirlooms – toys. Regulus liked the most the new wizard chess set with the animal figurines: one part in the form of nifflers, and the other – kneazles. Regulus thought that it was stupid, – nifflers and kneazles weren’t enemies or anything – but still it was a very nice chess set. Sirius, of course, immediately fell in love with the nose-biting teacup – it looked like an ordinary teacup, but it tried to bite your nose off if you drank from it. Sirius tried all day to give it to Kreacher but he – to Sirius’ great disappointment – refused each time. “Hope, Bella or Barty won’t be so suspicious,” Sirius said to Regulus, then.
More weird than the toys themselves was the fact that Alphard played with the kids. Sirius immediately agreed with everything that Uncle suggested, saying that Alphard was the best, but Regulus looked at all of this with great caution. It definitely was some tricky test. It seemed like at any moment, Mother or Father would jump out from around the corner and say that they weren’t behaving themselves like proper Blacks and now would be punished for the rest of their lives. But hours passed and nothing bad happened. And eventually, Regulus found himself playing chess with his uncle in front of the fireplace, while Sirius was lying on the carpet and whined that he was bored.
Regulus never saw an adult like this. Alphard was kind and a little childish. He laughed loudly and fervently – Regulus wasn’t sure he had ever heard such a genuine laugh from anyone else except Sirius. He spent all his time with them, playing and talking about everything. Okay, mostly Sirius talked, but Alphard didn’t scold him for it, not even once. He behaved with Kreacher as if they were old friends, though the house elf never responded to him directly and always wore the sore or scornful expression on his face at Alphard’s presence. The same expressions they found on the faces of the paintings. Numerous ancestors grimaced and shouted silently at Alphard (as the Black brothers assumed, Mother somehow Selencio’ed all of them). Regulus tried hard to enjoy what happened and not to be concerned.
And yet, Alphard Black wasn’t the biggest weirdo those days. Mother was. She was unusually calm and gracious. Mother didn’t shout at them, didn’t correct them every minute, didn’t even talk to them with bad words. She allowed them to play with their uncle, leaving them under the supervision of Kreacher and not paying any attention to the noise or mess. Sirius was so shocked that he assumed that Alphard had put some really strong spell on her and was eager to check it.
On the third evening, he came to dinner in deliberately sloppy clothes. Sirius put his elbows on the table and, when even that didn’t cause a reaction from Mother, he dropped a piece of juicy meat on his shirt. “Be sure to clean yourself up after dinner,” was all that Mother said. Sirius was stunned and became strangely quiet after that. “I can’t believe it!” he exclaimed in a whisper, climbing into Regulus’ bed at night. “She didn’t care! Will it be always like that now?” Regulus didn’t share Sirius’ enthusiasm, he saw how tense Mother was, how she clenched her hands, how thin her mouthline was. She looked like a volcano, ready to explode at any second. Of course, he didn’t tell it to Sirius. He would either not believe him or be upset.
These strange days ended as suddenly as they began. On the fourth evening, they played in the living room and Alphard promised to take them to get ice cream tomorrow. But there wasn’t tomorrow. Regulus heard the shouting in night and in the morning, everything returned to normal at Grimmauld Place. There was no trace of Alphard Black; the toys had gone straight to the fireplace or been destroyed by Mother’s rage. Regulus fell asleep that day with silent tears, and Sirius – bleeding.
They talked about Alphard so rarely after that Regulus even doubted if he had dreamed about this visit. Nelly wasn’t around already at that moment, so there wasn’t anyone who could confirm that he wasn’t crazy. Sirius didn’t help either. He acted strange when they talked about Alphard, and every year, they talked about him less and less. Truth be told, they talked less and less in general.
They never saw Alphard again, but after his death last summer, he left a considerable part of his fortune to Sirius. Regulus wondered all year whether Sirius was somehow connected to Alphard after all. It wasn’t like Regulus could simply ask Sirius about it.
Alphard Black was still a mystery, and Regulus had collected pieces of information about him throughout those years. But most of these pieces were rumours and gossips from relatives or other pure-blood wizards and witches, and Regulus could not decide which one he should believe.
And, of course, there were those conversations with Mother. Those extremely odd and uncomfortable moments, when Regulus found her in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand and a faraway gaze in her eyes. At those moments, she might tell Regulus some incoherent, feverish scraps of stories about her past or even call Regulus ‘Alph’.
And he vividly remembered that terrifying episode at the Bird House last summer, and those quiet weeks after, when he found Mother in the Small Drawing Room. She didn’t talk to him then, didn’t even react to his presence. She just stared with unfocused eyes into the void, some old photos near her.
“Yes,” Regulus responded, still watching his brother stealthily, “but she started it again. You know, she was really heartbroken then.”
“Oh,” Sirius huffed viciously, “didn’t know you could break something you don’t have.”
“She’s not –” Regulus started furiously.
“Can we please not…” Sirius interrupted him with the same amount of irritation, but then breathed loudly and continued more calmly. “Can we talk about something else?”
“…okay.”
They were silent for a while. When Sirius spoke again, his voice was already light. “So,” he said with a smirk, “what about other birds? Do you have any?”
“You mean like owls or, um, ravens?”
“Yeah, like that.”
That clearly was some joke, but Regulus had no idea what it was about. “I still use my old owl, Owlbert,” he answered cautiously.
“Nice one, Reg,” Sirius shoved him playfully. And then he laughed hard, noticed the confusion on Regulus’ face. “You’re not kidding? Merlin, I’m talking about girls, you dummy little brother of mine! Are you seeing anyone?”
“What? No!” Regulus spouted hurriedly.
“Aw, blushes suit you. Why not? Your sour face scares off every girl?”
Regulus glared at his brother.
“Yeah, that face,” Sirius laughed. “I can give you a couple of tips if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, piss off,” Regulus shoved him.
It wasn’t like Regulus hadn’t any experience at all. But it wasn’t much, especially compared to Sirius, the Hogwarts heartthrob, Black. To be fair, Regulus was asked out by girls starting from the third year, but he wasn’t interested. Regulus never understood what all the fuss was about. It seemed like everyone had gone crazy one day, shoving their body parts into each other.
Mother told him a year ago that he should be careful with girls. And then Regulus replied that she had nothing to worry about, because he was interested in education and not girls. She didn’t say anything, but looked at him in a strange way. Regulus realized then that he had given the wrong answer somehow. And when even Evan and Barty started casting funny looks at him and nagging him, Regulus tried a couple of attempts (unsuccessful, in his opinion).
The girls were fine. Not horrible or obnoxious, just vapid. Kissing was also strange – wet, boring and uncomfortable. Regulus considered that maybe the girls were wrong and with the right girl, this would be different, but he couldn’t find the right one.
He even thought about Dorcas at one point. She was smart and tough, and he had to admit, she was quite good-looking. And even Mother could approve of her. But Regulus had too high an opinion of Dorcas to drag her into this vulgar affair. So he just gave up trying and decided that he had done enough for his status. Besides, it was not his right to choose a wife, especially not now. Regulus glanced nervously at Sirius.
“What about you?”
“Me?” Sirius sounded caught off guard.
“Yes. Dating some girl?”
“Oh. No, I took a break from girls. I mean, from dating. A bit tired with all of that attention, y’know.”
“Fair enough,” Regulus said with relief, when they were talking about Sirius again. “Your ego definitely needs breaks to keep from bursting.”
“Oi, my ego could take anything!” Sirius smiled. “So. Butterbeer? Books?”
Sirius looked at Regulus expectantly. They had been walking along the main street of Hogsmeade for some time now. It had become more and more apparent that other students in the village were looking at them and whispering. What were the chances that Mother would find out? What were the odds that she already knew? It wasn’t like Regulus had ever been really forbidden from talking to his brother, but now... Regulus felt a chill down his spine.
“Plans change!” Sirius grabbed Regulus’ hand and dragged him off the main road and whispers.
“Where are we going?” Regulus huffed.
“Into the woods!” Sirius announced dramatically and pointed with his free hand to the darkening nearby bulk of the Forbidden Forest. Regulus stopped, abruptly.
“No, we’re not.”
“Yes, we are!”
“No.”
“Come on Reggie!” Sirius whined. “That’s not scary at all, I promise!”
“I’m not scared!”
“What’s wrong then?”
“Remind me, what is this forest called?”
Sirius narrowed his eyes in confusion, “Uuuuh, Forbidden?”
“Oh! Not the Forest For Beautiful Afternoon Walks? Not the Legal To Visit Forest? Not the Fully Safe Forest? Not the –”
“I get it! Get it!” Sirius rolled his eyes. “So what, you’re not going because some wussy adults said you’re not to?”
“You know, some rules have a point, right? This place is forbidden for reasons.”
“Merlin, Reggie!” Sirius said with suffer on his face. “Relax for a bit, it’s just a forest.”
“Thank you sincerely for the invitation, but I still have some homework to do. I can’t let myself be eaten alive.”
“I guarantee you won’t. It’s safer than you think.”
“So you’ve already been there?”
Funny expression on Sirius’ face, “And you’re not? Ever?”
Regulus felt heat creep up his neck and cheeks. “Fine!” he spat and walked towards the forest. “But if some vicious beast tries to devour you, I will not interfere with it.”
---
The forest was majestic. Quiet, alluring and alive. It seemed like the forest was breathing, full of life you couldn’t see, but could feel. Regulus was mesmerized, looking around and listening intently to the soothing rustling and murmurings of the trees.
The sun broke through the leaves in thin gold streams, leaving its warm kisses on Regulus’ face, when he looked up. And that felt so surprisingly good. He wasn’t even bothered by Sirius’ half-hearted attempts to scare him with silly howls in his very ear or ‘Look! What is THAT?!’ with bulging eyes. Seriously, he could have done that better.
But Regulus soon noticed that Sirius was different here. He was more calm, more relaxed, and, as Regulus would say, peaceful. Sirius quickly ceased acting like, well, himself and began to tell Regulus about the forest and its inhabitants with a quiet, thoughtful voice. He told about animals and creatures who were friendly and kind, and about those who are better not to run into. He told about secret trails and caves, that no one knew about.
Sirius walked through the woods, as if he had lived there for a long time, softly touching the bark of trees or stopping Regulus from stepping on something only he could notice. Sometimes, Sirius would make odd remarks such as ‘respect the forest’ or ‘be gentle with vines’, as if he were some wise old man. Regulus would smile softly at this, amused at his brother’s sudden change. It was nice to see him like that.
“Remember, we were once going to run away to live in the forest, in France?” Sirius asked suddenly
You wanted. I just went along, as always, Regulus thought.
“Yeah, we thought that we could survive on a couple of sandwiches and a torn tent,” Regulus replied with a slight smile. He was a little alarmed, though, at the fact that Sirius had brought up their childhood. Regulus was sure that his brother aimed to leave the past in the past.
“But we had a really good plan!”
They were remembering together the brilliant details of the plan. Like leaving pillows under their blankets so that no one would notice them missing, or stealing a family heirloom wand (it wasn’t technically stealing, considering that it was meant to be Sirius’ someday). They avoided the reasons that led to the plan.
“Yeah, that was a really good plan. What could have gone wrong?” Regulus smirked.
“Nelly, of course!” Sirius threw up his arms. “She caught us in the kitchen in the middle of the night, as if we were some burglars. And she saw through our grand plan at the same moment! And then she raised her finger,” Sirius repeated the gesture, grimacing, “and exclaimed…”
“Not on your nelly!” they said in unison, mimicking the manner of the stern house elf. Sirius and Regulus smiled stupidly at each other.
“Oh, Godric, she was so dramatic sometimes!” Sirius said, playfully rolling his eyes.
Was. Regulus felt like a smile slid down his face. Sirius seemed to have noticed it too, as he hurriedly blurted out,
“Oh, shit! I’m sorry for –”
“It’s fine,” Regulus interrupted him, looking away.
“Do you want to t –”
“No.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
Of course, Regulus sometimes recalled Nelly. She slipped into his child memories, and he couldn’t control it. It was fine if he didn’t think about her for long. But talking about her, hearing her name from someone else, finding confirmation that she really existed, that was still, well, uncomfortable.
“Sometimes I wish we did, though,” Sirius said quietly.
“What?”
“Escaped. Together.”
“Oh.”
Regulus didn’t know how to respond to this. It was a good thought, like a fantasy or pleasant dream (If only Regulus could have pleasant dreams). But it could never be real.
“Y’know,” Sirius said cautiously, after they had been silent for a couple of minutes. “Alphard has left me a decent fortune. So, I could support us both, if you –”
“Sirius, stop.”
“You don’t have to –”
“I said, stop. We will not discuss this.”
Sirius opened his mouth, but immediately closed it, frowning, and walked forward faster.
Will it always be like this? A handful of smiles and mountains of tense silence after? Regulus was considering walking away right at that very moment, but then he remembered again Sirius’ summer promise – ‘this year will be different’ – and for the first time he thought maybe he could influence it too. Regulus tried to absorb the sounds and smells of the forest to calm himself down. The sun was still warm and gentle, and it helped. Regulus speeded up a little to catch up with his brother and wondered what he should say.
“I didn’t mean to snap at you,” Regulus said. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Sirius replied, still not looking at Regulus. “I remember we agreed not to… Sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
Sirius looked at him now, a wary little smile on his face. “That way. I want to show you something.”
They were making their way through the dense undergrowth then. Sirius didn’t use his wand, explained that the locals didn’t appreciate it. Regulus thought about asking Sirius something that had been tormenting him for a long time. It wasn’t the best time to bring it up, but Regulus might not have another opportunity. Anyway, it was Sirius who mentioned him first.
“Did you see Alphard after that autumn?”
Sirius turned around so quickly that a branch hit him in the back of the head.
“Bagger!” he rubbed his head, hissing. “I – no, not really. We were, um, we owled to each other sometimes.”
“Oh. Since when?”
“He – he wrote to me in the, um, in the second year when he knew I had been sorted into Gryffindor,” Sirius sounded ashamed. But that didn’t help Regulus not to feel an unpleasant twist in his chest.
“Why didn’t you ever…” Regulus couldn’t finish his question.
“I was afraid you were going to…” Sirius didn’t look at him again.
“Tell Mother?”
“…yeah.”
“…fair enough.”
Regulus knew he had no right to accuse Sirius of anything – he did tell Mother much he regretted now. But it hurt, still.
“I won’t tell her,” he said, sincerely. “Promise.”
It didn’t matter, actually. Not now, with all that has happened. But he felt like he just had to say it.
“Thanks,” Sirius said, looking a bit relieved. And then he added sheepishly, biting his lip, “You can ask anything you want to know.”
Sirius talked about Alphard with a bright warm smile, remembering his letters and gifts. It turned out that Alphard had provided his eldest nephew with all kinds of muggle items – books, music albums, clothes, and even a ‘motorbike’ for Sirius’ sixteenth birthday. A ‘motorbike’, Sirius explained, was a muggle vehicle, with two wheels and ‘burning sexy energy’. The motorbike was delivered to the Potters (like many other things) and has been there ever since. Sirius had a plan to make it fly. Regulus said that it was stupid and dangerous, but Sirius just shrugged him off.
Regulus found out that Alphard had escaped from the family in his early 20’s, when his father had died, and he had been supposed to take over as head of the Blacks. Alphard disagreed with the politics and traditions and did not believe in ‘all these pure-blood bollocks’ (Regulus was not sure whether this was Alphard’s wording or Sirius’. Either way, it made him uncomfortable, but he didn’t say anything about it). So Alphard ran away as far as he could. He has lived in the USA ever since, mainly amongst muggles.
Regulus felt a dull longing when he thought about the years he hadn’t known his uncle. But, based on Sirius’ stories, he and Alphard had very little in common. So, Regulus decided, there was nothing to regret here. Alphard would probably not have liked Regulus anyway.
“He knew Jim Morrison! Can you imagine it?” Sirius exclaimed. Regulus guessed that it was some muggle celebrity or something. “Alphard said that Jim was a decent bloke, but a bit depressed when drunk. Ugh,” Sirius howled all of a sudden. “Why did I skip breakfast? I’d kill for some pie right now. Anyway...”
Regulus silently took out a bun from his bag and gave it to his brother, who was still talking.
“…wanted to take me to the gig... Oh!” Sirius saw a bun and looked at Regulus, his eyes full of delight. “You’re a lifesaver!” he said, with a full mouth. “He even invited me to come visit him and Tony after I graduate.”
“Who’s Tony?” Regulus asked, because Sirius mentioned that name not for the first time.
Sirius stopped chewing and looked at Regulus with an incomparable gaze. “Um,” his voice sounded strained, “Tony was his, um, partner.”
“Like a business partner?”
“Like, um, a life partner.”
“Oh.”
These rumours were true, then.
“Tony still writes to me sometimes,” Sirius said, obviously trying to sound casual. “Said he still wants me to visit.”
“So, you’re okay with it?”
“With what?”
“Um, Alphard was a, um,” filthy disgusting queer, Mother’s voice sounded in Regulus’ head.
“Gay?” Sirius said a bit angrily. “Yes, I’m okay with it. Are you?”
“Guess, he did worse things,” Regulus shrugged.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius snapped.
“I’m just saying, his way of living was not…conventional.”
“Conventional by whom?” Sirius narrowed his eyes dangerously at Regulus.
“By…our society.”
Sirius huffed. “What society are you talking about?”
Sirius understood perfectly what society Regulus was talking about. But apparently, he had grown tired of their little truce and was looking for a big, old-fashioned fight. Regulus struggled to keep everything he was thinking to himself.
“I didn’t mean anything bad,” Regulus said through his teeth. “You do know how pure-bloods treat wizards who befriended muggles, let alone those who sleeps with – especially same-sex muggles. They’re just facts.”
“I don’t give a shit about facts,” Sirius scoffed. “Do you believe in all that crap?”
“It’s not my place to judge.”
“Oh, how convenient!” he laughed viciously. “Let’s pretend it’s your place to judge. What do you say? Do you believe in all that pure-blood supremacy thing?”
“Sirius, can we not –”
“No, Regulus, we can’t. It’s simple. Do you believe in it? Yes or no?”
“No,” Regulus lied, darkly. “No, I do not.”
“Don’t you?” Sirius narrowed his eyes again, but it wasn’t vicious anymore. Disbelieving, maybe.
“No, I do not,” Regulus repeated, stonily. He was accustomed to lying.
“Fine, then.” Sirius said, blankly. “We’re at the destination, by the way.”
With all that heated discussion, Regulus didn’t even notice the landscape had changed. They were now by a small lake. On one side, there was a little cliff from which the water flowed down into the lake with a melodious rustle. The water was calm and clear. It was a peaceful and beautiful place with a slight hint of nostalgia.
“It looks like…” Regulus started.
“Yeah, like in the forest near our house in France.”
They sat by the water and ate the remaining buns in silence. Clouds ran across the sky above the lake.
“Sorry I was –” Sirius murmured.
“It’s fine.”
“It’s just really important for me, y’know.”
“I know.”
They were silent again.
“Are you going to visit Tony when school ends?” Regulus asked, looking at the water.
“Yeah, I think I will.”
“What’s he like?”
“He’s fine. A bit nerdy. Guess you’d like him.”
Regulus huffed lightly. “How nerdy?”
“He’s a muggle scientist or something. He studies plants, writes a book now. Well, really smart lad. And quite good-looking for a fifty-something, I have to say,” Sirius smiled softly.
“Doesn’t know a nerd description includes handsomeness now.”
“Yeah, so, I’m afraid you’re losing that title.”
“Oh no, how can I ever survive now.”
Sirius shoved him. Regulus shoved him in response. They smiled at each other.
“Alphard was very happy with him,” Sirius said, his smile a bit sad now. “Said, he helped him to understand what a home should be like.”
“That’s… sounds nice.”
“Yeah,” Sirius said, thoughtfully. “I’ll bring the photos next time. They’re funny, not moving. I have one with Tony in his office. A bright room full of books. You’d like it.”
They talked more. About Alphard, and Tony, and Sirius’ not yet flying motorbike, and exams, and Regulus’ prefect duties, and quidditch, and Slughorn’s new wig, even more ridiculous than the previous one. At some point, they ended up lying down on the ground, with their robes removed like blankets. They were looking at the clouds and told each other what they looked like. They hadn’t done that in a long time.
“Here!” Sirius pointed to the sky. “This one looks like a pig.”
“Yeah, indeed. Looks just like you.”
Sirius bumped him with his knee. “Idiot. See that one, looking like a big dick? It’s you.”
“Yeah, the same size as mine.”
“Did it grow? Marvellous!”
Regulus nudged him.
“We should do it again,” Sirius said, smiling.
“What? Looking for my dick in the sky?”
“No, I mean… hanging out together.”
“Oh. Yeah, we should.”
Notes:
My beloved Black brothers <3
Chapter 5: EVAN(S)
Summary:
Friendship is hard, yeah?
Chapter Text
Mm, I’m tellin’ you, now
The greatest thing you ever can do, now
Is trade a smile with someone who’s blue now
It’s very easy, just-a
“Friends” by Led Zeppelin
Thursday 6 October 1977
“Hey Regulus!” Evan called out to him, leaning out of the bathroom. He was already in his pyjamas and was talking around a toothbrush. “You were with Greengrass, right?”
It was well past curfew when Regulus returned to his dorm. Greengrass had tired him out with her chatter so much that he even assumed he wouldn’t need the potion tonight; his mind was blank. He had to give her some credit. Her endless monologue was a perfect distraction from tangled thoughts about Sirius, and what he would do if he knew Regulus had lied back then, in the forest.
Regulus raised an eyebrow at Rosier.
“Did she mention me?” the boy asked, grinning.
“Yeah,” Regulus replied, putting all the necessary textbooks into the bag for tomorrow. “Said you’re extremely annoying.”
Barty chuckled from his bed. “Start preparing your galleons, Rosier,” he said cheekily. There was a wet wham and then Barty’s disgusted voice, “Ugh, you used this towel to wipe your arse, don’t you dare throw it in my face.”
“Already did,” Evan murmured to Barty, approaching Regulus. “Did she really say it or is it just you being your moody self?”
“Can’t remember being your owl. Ask her yourself. ”
“Don’t be such an arse. Could you help your friend just once?”
“Help with what? Sticking your dick into some girl? No, thanks.”
“Prude,” Rosier rolled his eyes, and then said playfully, “Maybe I should ask your brother for help?”
Ugh, not that again. Evan had pestered him ever since he heard the rumours about the Black brothers’ trip to Hogsmeade.
“ Think you’re so hopeless that even he couldn’t manage it,” Regulus responded darkly.
“Nice one, Regulus,” Batry’s cheerful voice popped in.
“Shut up, Barty.” Evan scowled. “So,” he returned his attention to Regulus, “how was the walk with Sirius?”
“Weren’t you going to bed?” Regulus said, irritated. He was too tired of all this shit.
“I could survive without a few extra minutes,” Rosier shrugged, nonchalantly. “Are you two friends again?”
“Is your personal life really so boring that you’re trying to poke your nose into mine?”
“Oh, come on, I just want to know what’s going on between you two,” Evan wouldn’t let up. “You haven’t told us anything!”
“Yes. And apparently you are too dumb to take a hint.”
Roiser shut up for a moment, his eyes turned to ice. Then he asked slowly and calmly,
“Do your parents know?”
“You’d better go to sleep,” Regulus said. Anger made his voice low and dangerous.
“Or what?” Rosier looked at him with a challenge.
“Or I could help you with it,” Regulus was gripping his wand by that point. Evan glanced at it, and his face reverted to its usual mocking expression.
“Calm down, mate,” he said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I was just asking as a friend.”
“As a friend, you can leave him be, Evan,” Barty said harshly.
“Didn’t ask for your help!” Regulus snapped at him, and Barty turned his face to the parchment he was holding, seeming offended.
“Merlin’s bollocks,” Evan was staring at Regulus like he was a lunatic. “What’s wrong with you?”
Regulus grabbed the first book that came to hand and left the dorm in a huff.
Of course, he could have just climbed into his four-poster and cast a Silencing Charm, but Regulus was boiling with anger and didn’t trust himself not to hex Rosier in some particularly nasty way.
Was this just another stupid attempt to make him lose his temper, or was it a real threat? Rosier was definitely the type to feed information to Regulus’ family to curry their favor. He wasn’t even sure if Rosier hadn’t already owled them. Maybe that was why Evan kept digging for details about the Black brothers’ relationship.
Or maybe Rosier was just being a prat.
The common room was deadly quiet at that hour, and it definitely wasn’t helping Regulus with his spiraling thoughts. He stared out the window at the calm waters of the Black Lake, the Arithmancy book he’d taken lying abandoned on his lap, his thoughts far away.
Regulus wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he snapped out of his daze at the sound of a soft thump. He turned sharply but saw nothing.
Frowning, he stood and scanned the room – and that’s when he saw her.
The girl was curled up on the couch in the darkest corner of the common room, sleeping peacefully. A small slipper lay on the rug nearby. She was the same first-year he’d scared off couple of weeks ago. He often found her here, always alone, more often than not with a book in her hands. Every time she noticed him, she’d tense, look away, or even flee. But he’d never seen her asleep here before.
Now he stood over her, weighing his options. Should he wake her? It wasn’t very safe – sleeping alone in the Slytherin common room. Yet she clearly hadn’t dozed off by accident – not in pyjamas, wrapped in a absolutely un-Slytherin yellow blanket. Maybe her dorm wasn’t safe either.
Absentmindedly, Regulus slid his hands into his robe pockets. One closed around a familiar vial.
Not my problem , he decided, turning toward the stairs. The girl remained behind, undisturbed.
---
Friday 7 October 1977
“How was your day?” she asked, smiling.
Regulus pursed his lips. “Why?”
“What why?” Evans quirked an eyebrow in confusion.
When Regulus saw the latest patrol schedule, he wasn’t pleased. He’d been paired with Lily Evans for two weeks straight – and of course, it wasn’t a coincidence. Maybe Sirius had asked her to spy on him. Or maybe it was just the natural Gryffindor urge to stick their noses where they didn’t belong. In any case, now he was stuck with the Head Girl.
“Why are you asking me that?”
“That’s what friends do,” Evans replied casually.
“We’re not friends.”
“Okay…” She sounded like he’d said something utterly ridiculous. “Maybe not yet, but I’d like to be.”
“Why?”
“Your favourite word, innit?” Evans huffed. “You’re Sirius’ brother. He cares about you, so I do too. And if we start spending time together –”
“Why would I ever spend time with you?” Regulus grimaced.
“I thought you’d made up with Sirius. Didn’t you?”
‘Made up’ was too strong a word. They nodded at each other in corridors now. A few times, Sirius had walked him to classes, and they’d flown around the pitch together on Wednesday mornings. Sirius’ latest obsession was convincing Regulus to attend his birthday party – a ludicrous idea for obvious reasons. But Sirius was too stubborn, and perhaps too naive, to admit it.
“And how’s that connected?”
“Look, you might think it’s not, but –” Evans waved her hands, speaking faster. “I’m his best friend’s girlfriend, and his very good friend, and the best friend of his b– another best friend. So you should know we come as a complete package, love. And you’re going to have to put up with it.” She finished with a shit-eating grin.
“You know you’re annoying?”
“Yeah, I’ve been told,” she said cheekily.
This year’s going to be fucking hard, Regulus thought. If this was the price of talking to his brother again, he wasn’t sure it was worth it.
They continued their patrol in silence – though Regulus doubted it’d last, given how Evans kept shooting him cryptic glances.
“So,” she said eventually, “tell me, Black, what’s your favourite colour?”
Greengrass was definitely not the worst partner. At least she didn’t try to chat – just prattled nonstop.
“Why?” Regulus asked wearily.
“Ugh, come on!” she groaned. “We’re stuck together till patrol’s end, whether you like it or not. So we can spend this time in the oppressive silence, or you can answer a few of my silly questions.”
Silence wasn’t Regulus’ favourite thing, and he thought silence in the disapproving presence of Lily Evans might be even more unbearable. He sighed deeply.
“I don’t have one,” he muttered. “A favourite colour.”
“Everyone has!” The Head Girl smirked, freckled face triumphant.
“Fine. Green,” he snapped, picking the first thing that came to mind.
“What a surprise!” She chuckled. “Green? Really? That’s like James saying ‘red’! Except his favourite colour is red, so – bad example. Anyway, if you weren’t in Slytherin, which would it be?”
His gut twisted. “I can’t not be in Slytherin,” he hissed.
“Okay, okay,” she said with a funny look, clearly holding back ‘weirdo’. Evans didn’t continue and didn’t look at him. He felt like blood was rushing through his veins.
“Blue,” he mumbled.
“What?”
“I... suppose I like blue,” Regulus said, regaining his composure.
“Oh!” Her face lit up. “That’s brilliant! It would make your eyes pop!” she said excitedly, staring directly at him. Regulus shivered uncomfortably. She was standing too close – he quickened his pace to put distance between them.
Evans fell silent but kept glancing at him with that expectant smile, scurrying to match his stride.
“And yours?” he asked grudgingly.
“Glad you asked!” she chirped, then leaned in conspiratorially. “Green. Just don’t tell James!” She giggled.
Regulus rolled his eyes. To his own surprise, a faint smile flickered across his face.
“Blimey!” Evans gasped. “You can smile! That’s new.”
“I didn’t,” he snapped, scowling.
“Yes, you did,” she sing-songed. “My eyesight’s perfectly fine, thank you very much."
“Unlike your beloved Potter’s,” Regulus muttered before he could stop himself.
“Oi!” She exclaimed. “Rude to mock a man for his glasses!”
An uncomfortable twist coiled in his stomach – that hadn’t been his best line. But Evans was still grinning. Just teasing, then.
“Oh!” She clapped her hands. “I know a story you’d like!”
“Doubt it.”
“Let’s find out! Remember a couple of years ago when James and Sirius had green hair for nearly two weeks?”
Of course, he remembered. It had been rather amusing watching Sirius skulk around the castle with his woollen Gryffindor hat pulled down over his eyes – the only time he’d ever hidden that ridiculous mane of his.
“That was me who hexed them!” Evans announced proudly.
“You?”
“Yeah! James was showing off infront of me again, and when I mentioned studying with Severus, he said something rude about him and Slytherins in general. So I thought I’d teach him a lesson about houses unity. Then I hexed him.” She gave an innocent shrug.
“And Sirius for what?”
“For laughing too hard at James. Wasn’t very supportive of him, was it? So he got a dose of Evans’ justice too.”
The Colour-Changing Charm was simple enough that removing it shouldn’t have been difficult. Yet if two Gryffindors – who, while stupid, weren’t complete idiots – couldn’t undo it for a fortnight, this particular hex must have been clever indeed. Regulus felt an unexpected flicker of respect for Evans.
The corner of his mouth twitched upwards again. The girl definitely noticed, but this time didn’t comment.
As they patrolled the corridors, Evans continued her tale. Much to her disappointment, Potter had quickly stopped trying to restore his nest of black hair, even thanking her for helping him “develop a tolerance for green”.
Sirius, however, had been another matter entirely. Regulus only remembered subtle changes in his brother’s behaviour at the time – wearing that hat, perhaps being slightly less ostentatious. But according to Evans, Sirius had reached spectacular lows. Each day brought new madness in his attempts to remove the hex: by the second week, he’d nearly blown off his eyebrows, developed a full-body rash, recoloured his hair in “Rich Slytherin Green”, and picked fights with all his friends. Though the boys begged Evans to lift the curse, Sirius – too proud to ask himself – remained stubbornly rude, leaving her unmoved.
It was strange for Regulus, but even when Evans was talking about his brother’s suffering and whining, she didn’t sound cruel or ridicule. It was just amuse in her tone, and maybe even a bit of fondness.
“So they never worked out how to undo it themselves?” Regulus asked.
“Nope,” Evans said, clearly relishing the memory.
“Not as clever as they think, then.”
“Oh, they’re clever enough – which makes it doubly annoying. But I’m cleverer.” She flashed a devious smirk.
“Certain you’re not a Slytherin?”
“Well,” she said, tossing her hair, “green has always been good on me.”
At some point, Lupin approached Evans and mentioned Sirius had threatened more than once to shave his head. They both knew it was an empty threat – but also knew Sirius’ legendary impulsiveness. Lupin worried that if Sirius actually did it, he’d instantly regret it and might try to jump out a window. Regulus winced at the mental image.
“So I took pity on him and gave him back his ‘gorgeous raven hair’ – his words, not mine,” Evans said. “He sulked for days, of course, but we eventually talked it through. After that, he actually respected me more. Kept pestering me about how I’d made the hex so stubborn, even said I’d make a decent Marauder.” She smiled fondly. “Think that’s when we became proper friends.”
As she continued, Regulus reluctantly admitted to himself that he was rather enjoying Evans’ stories. In them, Sirius wasn’t the dashing hero he pretended to be, but a vain, dramatic boy with ridiculous – sometimes perilous – ideas. Yet there wasn’t a trace of the venom in Lily’s words Regulus was used to hearing from his parents or housemates when they spoke of Sirius. Strangely, Lily managed to balance teasing and affection without contradiction.
Regulus had never considered before that someone could not only experience completely contradictory emotions towards another person, but also not be in real conflict with themselves about it. It was truly confusing.
It took Regulus out of guards.
In Regulus’ world, everything was black and white. You were either perfect or worthless. You loved unconditionally or hated absolutely. You either accepted someone (ignoring every flaw), or cut them off (burying every good memory).
These past years – especially these last months – he’d lived in constant attempts to escape from his own mind, too conflicted and frightened to choose. But perhaps... he didn’t have to. Maybe it was acceptable not to pick between his parents and Sirius. Between loving his brother and disapproving of some of his stupid actions? Between being a Black and not believing in everything that a Black should believe?
But he did believe in it, right?
He looked at Lily.
“–and I told those pricks if they went through with it, they’d either kill themselves, or if they survived, I’d finish the job myself!”
Regulus realised with a start that he’d stopped listening. His stomach churned with unease.
“If they’re pricks,” he muttered, “why are you friends with them?”
Lily raised an eyebrow as if he’d said something profoundly stupid. “They’ve got flaws, obviously. Sometimes they’re so immature and thoughtless I want to scream,” she sighed, rolling her bright green eyes. “But they’re good people. At heart. I love them! They can be really sweet once you know them properly. Take Potter–" A small, warm smile tugged at her lips. “I used to think he was selfish and arrogant, but he’s actually the most caring person I know.”
“What about the arrogance?” Regulus smirked.
“Oh, I was spot-on there,” she chuckled. “Though to be fair, he’s earned the right to be a bit full of himself. That brilliant bastard.” She shook her head, smile fond. “Shame he wastes most of that brain on stupid pranks. But honestly? It’s impossible not to fall with James Potter once you really know him.”
“Oh, I’ll do my utmost to resist,” Regulus deadpanned.
Lily stared at him for a beat – then burst into warm, genuine laughter. “Knew you could be funny when you’re not being a complete arse.”
“And I suppose you could be tolerable when you’re not forcing me to partner with Lupin.”
Her smile tensed, and she looked at him apologetically. “Oh, sorry about that. It’s just–” She fidgeted with her robe sleeves. Regulus already regretted his words. “Sirius was in a terrible state back then. I don’t know the details – not that either of you Blacks would want me to – but it was awful to watch. We were all worried. James said to leave him be, but Remus thought that’d only make things worse. He believed if you talked to Sirius, he might stop... running.” She gave a timid shrug. “Seems he was right.”
Regulus’ heart raced. Overwhelmed, he stayed silent until Lily finally ventured,
“Our shift is actually over. So, I think we should go in our dorms.”
Only then did he notice they’d been alone in the corridor for ages. Stars glittered through the windows – long past curfew.
An unpleasant tug twisted his stomach.
“And I’m sorry for forcing you again, to pair with me,” Lily added, still avoiding his gaze, voice unsteady. “I just wanted you to feel welcome. But if you’d rather switch partners –” She met his eyes now, anxious. “–just say the word. I’ll sort out all the further details.”
“...No ‘special permission from Dumbledore’ this time?” he asked, recalling the last prefect meeting.
“No,” she smiled a little sadly.
Regulus shrugged, regaining his composure. “Suppose I can tolerate you a few more weeks.”
She beamed up to him, returning to her old self. “Brilliant! Maybe you’ll even join our study group? With your help, we might get Sirius to revise for his NEWTs!”
“I study alone.”
“Alright, alright, Mr Lone Wolf.” She rolled her eyes playfully, although the traces of unease still there. “Knew someone like you once.”
“What happened to them?”
“He’s in a pack now,” she said cryptically. They’d reached the corridor fork – Gryffindor Tower to the left, Slytherin dungeons to the right. “See you next week, then?”
Regulus nodded.
For a moment, they just stood there. Then Lily smiled, warm as candlelight.
“Night, Regulus.”
“Night, Evans.”
Notes:
Oh, Lily, my beloved! I've been waiting for her to become a real part of this story for ages! I hope you will love her as much as I do :)
Account Deleted on Chapter 1 Sun 09 Mar 2025 09:56PM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 1 Mon 10 Mar 2025 09:10AM UTC
Comment Actions
LittleIacy on Chapter 1 Tue 18 Mar 2025 01:26AM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 1 Tue 18 Mar 2025 07:14PM UTC
Comment Actions
enby_with_no_personality on Chapter 2 Tue 08 Apr 2025 01:01AM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 2 Tue 08 Apr 2025 08:13PM UTC
Comment Actions
BlackStar1702 on Chapter 2 Thu 10 Apr 2025 05:59AM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 2 Thu 10 Apr 2025 07:13PM UTC
Comment Actions
BlackStar1702 on Chapter 3 Tue 06 May 2025 03:51AM UTC
Last Edited Tue 06 May 2025 03:52AM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 3 Wed 07 May 2025 08:26PM UTC
Comment Actions
leapingbat on Chapter 3 Wed 21 May 2025 03:09PM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 3 Wed 21 May 2025 08:48PM UTC
Comment Actions
LittleIacy on Chapter 4 Mon 30 Jun 2025 11:36PM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 4 Wed 02 Jul 2025 07:38PM UTC
Comment Actions
BlackStar1702 on Chapter 4 Tue 01 Jul 2025 02:24AM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 4 Wed 02 Jul 2025 07:44PM UTC
Comment Actions
BlackStar1702 on Chapter 5 Mon 18 Aug 2025 08:23PM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 5 Tue 19 Aug 2025 07:53AM UTC
Comment Actions
LittleIacy on Chapter 5 Thu 28 Aug 2025 11:25PM UTC
Comment Actions
MaggieLupin on Chapter 5 Fri 29 Aug 2025 12:50PM UTC
Comment Actions