undisclosed desires

by keunillover

Summary:

Gunil wasn’t worried, they’d have gotten lost in a melody together, or simply just talking. Then he opened the door and the first thing he did was shut it again. Shock and disbelief hit him first, surely not.
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Gunil's world spins out of control when Jungsu does the unthinkable, and he can't even put himself first.

Notes:

title of this fic and chapters from muse - undisclosed desires
title of series from the thirty seconds to mars album - love, lust, faith and dreams

I think Gun-il would like them both very much :) Enjoy.

Chapter 1: reconcile the violence in your heart

True anger was not a familiar emotion to Gunil, he’d only encountered it a few times in his life. Not the fleeting sparks of rage that you got when the metro was late, or you ruined your hair in the rain. The bone deep vexation that only something so disgustingly inflammatory could cause. Gunil’s anger had always been inwards, his own failings as the catalyst, he’d gone through the process of learning to forgive himself. There has been a lot of therapy and counselling. The American therapy had been more useful than the Korean therapy, given that American doctors believed in mental health and forgiving those who wronged you, but he was grateful the company had provided it when he still couldn't wrap his head around the mess of his formative years. He’d found forgiving himself easy, but the logistics of it difficult. Gunil had felt the emotions, cried it out, broken his drumsticks, broken his hands bloody at the gym, but he’d also given himself grace and kindness, nice snacks and soothing baths. He sent the apology messages and met with the people he’d hurt, trying desperately not to repeat the word ‘sorry’ and instead changing his actions, making people see that he was sorry. Those mistakes he made were severe, they’d left him lonely, depressed, nearly flunking out of school. From it, though, he gained a much deeper sense of peace, his presence of mind providing serenity to others. This is the illusion he chose for people to see, he was a leader now, he had to share his tranquility to set the mood. So that process of forgiveness might be something he’d have to recall, otherwise he would break and more devastatingly, the band could break. Currently, no one was aware of the tsunami starting inside of him, the tectonic plates had shifted when he witnessed the betrayal first hand. He was trying to press it down, for his sake, for all of their sakes. It was necessary that Gunil maintained the vision of friendship and brotherhood; they were a group to the end and he was their self-sacrificial leader. However, how much more could he offer to them all? Jungsu was cheating on him with Jiseok, not with just anyone, with someone else in their own circle, someone who was also just so dear to Gunil.

Nearly a month ago now, Gunil was at the studio until the small hours of the morning, when his world came crashing down. It was nothing unusual, he’d drum or write songs or spend time at the gym, walk home in the dead of night and crawl into bed next to Jungsu; safe, warm and tired. He didn’t realise Jungsu wasn’t even at the dorm, Jungsu was conscientious and dedicated to his craft, yes, but he didn’t like to sacrifice his rest and with Seungmin he promoted self-care more than anyone else. When Gunil heard his voice through the slightly cracked open door he’d felt a little giddy, excited - Jungsu so rarely surprised him like this. The company knew of their relationship as a necessity, but it mostly all existed behind locked doors in their dorms or sometimes Jungsu's parents' home. Gunil should have known that was the first mistake he made, why should he expect the most passionate person he knows to hide his love? Then he heard Jiseok’s giggle and he still thought nothing of it, best friends, that’s how Jungsu and Jiseok described themselves, on camera and more importantly off it too. Gunil wasn’t worried, they’d have gotten lost in a melody together, or simply just talking. Then he opened the door and the first thing he did was shut it again. Shock and disbelief hit him first, surely not. There just had to be a platonic explanation for Jiseok’s lips on Jungsu’s neck, right? Gunil had imagined the red marks left behind, he had to, he wasn't close enough to see that much detail, but it didn't change that he saw it. Imagined or not. The both of them sat on Jiseok’s tiny practice stool, Jiseok mostly sat on Jungsu actually, Jungsu’s arms wrapped tightly around Jiseok’s tiny waist, his fingertips creeping up the back of Jiseok’s baggy t-shirt. They had never wrapped around Gunil’s larger frame like that, the glimpse he caught looked gentle and tender. A planned moment between lovers, not a tired tryst of passion and frustration after hours and hours of practice. Call it morbid curiosity or self flagellation, but Gunil cracked the door open, plaguing his eyes with another glance. In the thirty seconds not much had changed, but now he could hear as well, his ears attuned to the disaster only he was aware of. It was Jungsu he heard, he knew that slight moan of pleasure and arousal, he had been the one to cause it oh so many times. It made sense, the Jungsu he knew was a big fan of having his neck adorned, but maybe he barely knew Jungsu at all. He looked at them entwined, turned around, put his headphones back over his ears and walked away blaming himself. For the first time in years he slept alone, Jungsu hadn’t sought him out when he returned. Did he know he'd been caught? Was the guilt already consuming him regardless? Had he cuddled with Jiseok instead? Jungsu looked so strong wrapped around him, protective. Was there no part of Jungsu that wanted to protect Gunil too? Gunil had started by crying, sleep coming in ebbs and flows as his brain prioritised rest.

The vision of what he saw was in his dreams, maybe nightmares considering what they meant and how they shook him awake every night. The memories of him and Jungsu had been reimagined and now he was looking at them from the outside, an observer of his own life as his own self had been replaced with Jiseok, like it should have always been this way. The first kiss they shared was replaced by Jiseok's plump lips entrapping Jungsu's instead of his own thin ones. His own memories betrayed and disoriented him every time he closed his eyes. Even when Jungsu returned to his arms the following night, Gunil hadn't forgiven him, but with a comeback and concerts around the corner now wasn't the time. It felt reassuring to have someone in his arms to relieve his stress, even if that person wasn't faithful, even if Jungsu would rather be with someone else, it had to mean something that Jungsu hadn’t ridded himself of Gunil, surely? Jungsu was a familiar weight wrapped around him and it still lulled him to sleep. The dreams didn't stop. Night after night after night, they still awoke him every hour and when they did Jungsu stroked his hair, his cheek. He never asked what was bothering him, Jungsu already knew Gunil wouldn't share. Still Jungsu was there for Gunil. Jungsu still treated him like he still loved Gunil, maybe he did, but Gunil knew what he saw, he had seen it, heard it, right?

So Gunil coasted through, being cordial, friendly and brotherly. Trying not to give Jungsu too much of himself, he couldn't fuck him without thinking if he was the last person to do this to Jungsu? Who was the last person who had made Jungsu feel special, was it him or Jiseok? Had Jiseok ever seen how beautiful Jungsu looked, flushed with pleasure down his whole body? Gunil didn't even have any evidence to prove it was more than a one off mistake he'd seen, maybe he had just seen one tiny mistake and just like his own tiny mistakes, he was letting it take over him. They had always been close, Jiseok always had such a way with Jungsu, they'd been such natural companions, such easy friends. If Gunil lacked anything for Jungsu, of course he would have found it in Jiseok. Naturally perfect, warm-hearted, compassionate Jiseok, Gunil couldn’t even deny his own affection for him. His winning smile made him fast friends with so many. Gunil would struggle to say no to him too, but he couldn’t, he just wouldn’t pass blame. It was his fault, he was lacking something. He could figure out what it was or lose Jungsu, it was too easy for him to let the latter happen.

Luckily, Gunil had never associated the location with his twisted mess of feelings, it wouldn’t have done well for productivity. So here he was at rehearsal. It being all six of them was actually pretty rare, the once weekly they scheduled it if they didn’t have things to practice for. Right now though, they were in this tiny room with each other every day for longer than even felt possible. Their end of year concert was coming up at the weekend, and even though they’d done fifteen other concerts this year and festival after festival during the summer. The company still told them they needed to practice more, one of their excuses being ‘you need more chemistry and interactions, try to plan them in!’ - Let them try and eye-fuck someone across the stage when you’re moving all four limbs in a different directions just to make a beat the other five can follow. Oh how ironic Gunil found it. Still they practiced and it was productive, their old songs sounded better than ever, their new songs ready to impress.

They had just finished practicing Xymphony for at least the seventh time today, but Jungsu had finally done it. He played his part perfectly, hitting every key, his voice soaring through every note and flawless hand offs with Seungmin when they had to switch so Jungsu could sing. Gunil beamed, his eyes crinkled at the sides, and his smile was toothy. He was so proud, it was the first time in weeks he’d forgotten his lingering doubt about Jungsu. This here, his performer, his talented siren, that was who he loved and if he wasn’t just trapped behind this bass drum, he would run to him. Hold him tight and tell Jungsu just how proud he was, how much he adored him and loved him. Gunil would, despite the location, even with their members watching them flower Jungsu in kisses on his mouth and his hands that made his masterful performance happen. His pride was overwhelming, he knew how much quiet anxiety this had caused Jungsu. He had expressed it with quiet whispers as they fell asleep, the threat of not being good enough making him cry on Gunil's shoulders so many times since they wrote the song. Oh, the irony of Jungsu not feeling good enough. The forgetting that came with his pride didn’t last.

“Jungsu-yah!” Jiseok screamed. Hearing him happy did always bring joy, he was just sunshine, but even the sun could hurt. Jiseok threw himself at Jungsu guitar, still attached, like a small missile. Jungsu caught him, of course, “You did it! Good job, I knew you could!”

“Thank you Seokie, you did a good job too,” Jungsu smiled, ever so sincere, never one to take all the credit. In another world he would have been their leader, instead he stood by Gunil and they’d become a duo. Jungsu’s eyes sparkled from across the room, not to him, but to the boy in his arms. Gunil wanted to cry, that look was only supposed to be for him, or that’s what he had thought. Had he missed something key? Gunil almost missed it from his sadness, but so quickly, maybe thinking no one was looking, Jungsu dropped a kiss onto Jiseok’s hair. It was as slight as the flutter of butterfly wings. Hyeongjun spared him a look, empathetic and knowing. Gunil felt the thorns constrict around his heart again, thanks to his one moment of relief from being oh so proud of his love, it just hurt even more.

So he drummed it out, it was all he could do in this situation. What else could be done, he gets up and confronts Jungsu? Not the place or time. He walks out and leaves practice? Not his place as the leader. This was the only option, stomping so hard the batter head of his kick drum splitting. It felt good, it felt like a reasonable outlet, not too unbelievable for Gunil especially as they practiced iNSTEAD! Soon practice started wrapping up, no idea of the time outside in their windowless room, but still Hyeongjun approached him.

“Hyung, come for coffee? Looks like you need a friend,” Hyeongjun’s voice was low, quiet, clearly he didn’t want anyone else to hear, or invite themself.

“Thank you Junnie, I do, I appreciate it. I’ve got to fix this drum skin first but catch you downstairs in twenty minutes?” Gunil smiled, it was false and they both knew it. So Gunil went about fixing what he needed to, yes as a professional now someone would have done it for him, but it made him feel more connected to his drums, more grounded as a musician if he took the time to fix his own instruments. It was calming too, filling him with serenity from the repetitive nature of the task. Twist, twist, twist on the bolts to remove them, put the broken skin to one side, admire the break he made and then twist, twist, twist the other way to tighten the new skin. Give his kick drum a few beats to check the tension is right, and he’s good to go. As he comes back from his productivity trance, he sees Jiseok still here.

“Jiseok-ah,” he tried to keep his voice level, with the small lilt he always spoke to Jiseok with. It had been hard the past few weeks, “Are you sure the strings need to be changed on the Schecter, isn’t it brand new?”

Gunil was genuinely curious, he’d never seen Jiseok change the strings on a new guitar. He’s always trying to make the default work for him, out of respect for the guitar. Jiseok looked up at him, it seems they had both forgotten the other was here.

“Hyeongjun said they’d work well for this one, I thought I’d trust him on this ‘cause I’m playing it for that new solo I’m doing,” Jiseok smiled, he was just so full of sunshine, always their little mood-maker with Jooyeon. Gunil would never get it, how could he just lie to Gunil’s face and still act like this? Was Gunil even still his most admired hyung? He assumed that it would be Jungsu now.

“Oh well, have fun. I hope it doesn’t change the guitar's sound too much,” Gunil had said just enough to let Jiseok know he thought it was weird and took his leave, he didn’t need to be here any longer and his twenty minutes was almost up. Hyeongjun wouldn’t appreciate him being late and well, Gunil was too responsible to be late. What he hadn't been expecting was to find Jungsu still here on his way out. Jungsu coming out of the bathroom wasn't suspicious in itself, it was the wide-eyed look he gave Gunil when they made eye contact in the hallway. Like Gunil wasn’t supposed to be here in his own work space. Jungsu reached out and grabbed his hand, there was no fear of being caught, it was just a side corridor in their own little area of the company building.

“You did so well today baby, I’ll always hate that you’re hidden away behind me,” Jungsu caressed his cheek, Gunil nuzzled into it, he would always adore Jungsu’s affection. Soft and feline, fleeting moments of intimacy that marked you as his. Gunil just knew he wasn’t the only person Jungsu had marked.

“Thank you darling, do you want anything from the convenience store? I’m quickly going to run by 711 with Hyeongjun,” Gunil tried to prolong the touch eternally, burrowing his cheek even further into Jungsu’s hand. He knew where Jungsu was going after this and he desperately wanted to delay that.

“Just you once I’m home, please hyung,” Jungsu was flirting, Gunil found it incredulous that he could flirt right now, but he had to pause. It was all in his head still, Jungsu didn’t know that he’d seen him and Jiseok, heard him and Jiseok in their own world. Unfortunately, the endless reflection had made him realise he was still so in love, he would worship Jungsu if he was asked. He supposed he was in a way, having almost forgiven him for his sins with a simple caress.

“We’ll see,” Gunil stepped into Jungsu’s space, taking a deep breath. He surrounded himself with Jungsu, his scent, his arms and his affection. It felt oxymoronic, Jungsu was causing him his most deep suffering, but still bringing him the most intense joy. He hated being in love and he despised being so forgiving.

“Jiseok is still here by the way,” he was only saying it to be a little bit cruel, he hoped a tiny seed of doubt was planted into Jungsu’s mind. Yes he would forgive, but he wouldn’t forget how he felt and he regretfully craved to make Jungsu feel just a fraction of it, “Don’t practice for too long. I know you got it right once, but you don’t need to overdo it.”

“I know. See you later Gunil, I love you, ” Jungsu pressed a kiss to his cheek thoughtlessly. He wanted to live in this moment for just a little longer, Jungsu expressing his love so simply. Jungsu had to mean it, nothing was different about his behaviour with Gunil, just the excuses and the late bedtimes.

Gunil finally walked away for coffee with Hyeongjun, only ending up three minutes later after wrestling himself out of Jungsu’s arms. When they got outside, it was most definitely late, darkness making it so he barely saw Hyeongjun. Caffeine barely had an effect on him though so he ordered an iced americano regardless.

“Hyung, how are you and Jungsu-hyung?” Hyeongjun questioned, hands wrapped around his hot tea. He truly appreciated Hyeongjun, silently as he’d opened up to them he had become their pillar. He was always subtle and gentle when he opened hard conversations, testing the waters, checking if Gunil really wanted to talk about it.

“Cut the shit Hyeongjun, did you tell Jiseok to change the strings on his brand new Schecter? ‘Cause he's in there right now changing them for some bizzare reason and Jungsu is in there with a deathwish wanting to practice until his hands fucking fall off,” Gunil hadn't realised he was ready to explode and he certainly hadn't meant to explode at Hyeongjun. He'd kept to himself for almost six weeks now, no wonder he'd been so volatile.

“Shit, sorry Jun. Jiseok and Jungsu are bothering me, and I've just been keeping it to myself,” he paused and scrubbed his face with his hand, trying to reset his mask. Not just for Hyeongjun, but for everyone, Gunil hadn't forgotten that they were out in public, just across from the company building. It was no place to be visibly angry about a relationship that would always be a secret.

“Why would I ever tell him to change the strings on a brand new guitar? You buy a new guitar for the guitar and all the sounds it makes, you never change strings on guitars unless they're broken or about to. That green Schecter has such a beautiful sound as well, if he hadn't bought it in green I would have gotten it. If he actually changes the strings he’s fucking banned from ever practising with my pedals again,” Hyeongjun was rambling, he wouldn't have missed the point that Gunil was trying to make but Hyeongjun would always take any opportunity to talk about guitars before anything else. There was a reason they had trusted this seemingly shy, closed off boy to carry their instrumentals.

“Hyeongjun, take the guitar stuff up with Jiseok, or tell me later, please. I’ve been sitting on this for six weeks so unsure of what to do,” Gunil sighed, he was apologetic to Hyeongjun for taking him out of his rant, he made a mental note to promise him a full half an hour of unfiltered guitar talk once this was all over.

“Yes, sorry hyung. I will. I asked you for coffee ‘cause I’m sure you and I saw Jiseok and Jungsu do the same thing, and I was just putting the pieces of your withdrawn state together with that. What do you know that the rest of us don’t?” Hyeongjun’s face twitched as he asked, his observational skills had always puzzled Gunil. Yes Seungmin, Jiseok and Jungsu had over time brought him out of his shell by listening and being gentle and respecting his boundaries, it was something Gunil hadn’t taken much of a part in. He stood back and slowly watched the wonderful Hyeongjun they know now emerge, he gave his encouragement and with his adoring eyes as had Seungmin tended to Hyeongjun like a beautiful flower. He would have always bloomed, but he got there much faster with some love from another. Gunil knew what Hyeongjun was going to tell him, he would never let Seungmin do this to him.

“I think Jungsu is sleeping with Jiseok. In the studio after hours,” his breath came back to him in staccato beats as he finally revealed what had plagued him. It didn’t feel relieving, it felt like drowning as his confession became real.

“I’m sorry hyung, I know it’s not my fault but I am sorry. Fuck him, I hope his solo at the weekend sounds shit and yours sounds better than everyone else’s, you deserve it,” Hyeongjun almost laughed, it was of course Hyeongjun’s way of expressing his disappointment. Gunil didn’t know how much more he could say, but he needed a second opinion and by extension a third because Hyeongjun would not go without seeking out Seungmin’s thoughts.

“I’ve only seen them once and they were just kissing, Jungsu has been so regular with me before and after it happened. Hyeongjun-ah, I feel like I imagined it, I don’t know what’s having a worse effect on me: Jungsu wanting something more from someone else or that I don’t know if it’s real. I can’t just ask him, it would affect everyone too much.” Gunil felt tears prick his eye, he didn’t realise he would cry and he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t do that to Hyeongjun, he was the hyung, he was the leader, he was always the one who had everything under control.

“Hyung, it shouldn’t matter if they were ‘just kissing’. Do you not feel betrayed? Do you not want to do something? Except for your mercurial mood, which only I noticed, no one would have known you’re feeling such anguish,” Hyeongjun was puzzled, that was clear. Gunil had to try and explain it, even if just a little.

“I want to think the best of him, I love him, Hyeongjun, only him. I’ve only ever loved him,” Gunil wiped a tear from the side of his nose and looked at Hyeongjun with his glassy eyes and an expression of resignation, trying to silently tell Hyeongjun they needed to be done now.

“Okay hyung, I don’t understand. I’ll get Seungmin to try and help me do so, but you’re not by yourself and yes I didn’t see what you have but you’re not the only one that has noticed them being closer than usual. I want to say it's Jiseok, but it’s both of them I suppose,” Slightly uncharacteristically Hyeongjun reached out a hand to Gunil, a tiny little bit of physical comfort. Gunil took the hand for just a few seconds, to show his appreciation towards Hyeongjun for his support. Hyeongjun was really their rock, and his intention of just playing guitar for a living had somehow made him perfect for keeping them all together.

“Can we leave it until after the concert at the weekend? It's a big deal for all of us. It needs to be flawless,” he was just so resigned, he was reassured that he wasn’t the only one who noticed, so grateful that Hyeongjun had allowed him to talk. Finally he felt like he hadn’t imagined it. Hyeongjun noticed the tiny things, he noticed when Jooyeon was getting sick days before anyone else before just by the rasp of his voice, and he’d noticed Jiseok and Jungsu by their tiny interactions in the practice room. If Hyeongjun noticed it, it was real, it was happening and Gunil’s world was irrevocably changed. At Hyeongjun’s small nod of agreement as he drained the last of his tea, Gunil pulled himself up from the leather seating, and started the walk to the dorm. Each step felt heavier than the last as he’d remembered Jungsu’s request from an hour ago.

After he arrived back, he’d been surprised to find Jiseok and Jungsu’s shoes sorted neatly with the rest. He felt guilty at having to explain himself and his lateness, but it had faded quickly as he realised he had nothing to say but the truth. What could Jungsu say to that? How many times had Jungsu come home lying to him? He kicked his shoes off and walked straight to his bedroom. He had discovered since walking home with Hyeongjun that it had been the very small hours of the morning. Despite his caffeine immunity, the iced americano at that hour had been a mistake, there was no choice but to be awake and listen to what Jungsu wanted. He was wired, tired and pre-programmed to please in whatever way he could.

He tried not to expect Jungsu in his bed, surely he’d gotten his needs met by Jiseok in the last hour? What use could he have for Gunil right now? As he went about his normal routine, he tried not to look for the gentle rise and fall of Jungsu’s chest, or hear his quiet, soothing breaths. He brushed his teeth twice that night because of the coffee. He washed his face with the cleanser Seungmin got tens of in a brand deal. He put his sleep shorts on, their new apartment was too warm for real pyjamas, but he would never be caught short running to the bathroom at sunrise. Everything was so routine, relentlessly but suspiciously normal.

“Hyung, baby, Gunil, come to bed,” Jungsu had finally made his uncertain presence known, Gunil's stomach dropped, but his heart was elated to make up for the lost altitude. This was Gunil’s bedroom, yet Jungsu was more at home here than his own room.

“I just need to plug my phone in. You were asleep so soundly, I didn’t even realise you were there Su,” Gunil trialled being partially honest with his answer. Of course he’d known Jungsu was there in his bed, he just hadn’t wanted him to be tonight. He did genuinely plug his phone with 7% battery in though, drained mostly in the last hour by it being morning where his Eomma and Appa were in Albuquerque, New Mexico. He had booked the flight months ago, straight after their Sunday concert he would get a little sleep, pack his bag and go home, to see them. Maybe his Eomma, who had been ever so accepting, would bring him even more clarity than Hyeongjun had. Hyeongjun had solidified the truth he’d seen, but just like a boy he wanted, needed his Eomma to tell him what to do. His Appa would be supportive too of course, despite how much longer it had taken him to come around to Gunil's bisexuality, Gunil being safe and happy was so much more important to him than an identity.

“Where have you been? I thought you were gonna quickly run to the convenience store with Jun,” Jungsu questioned, it wasn’t accusatory but genuinely curious in tone, but Gunil thought it hypocritical anyway. How dare Jungsu question what he was doing? He felt the rage flow back to him like that first time he spotted them in the practice room, an increasingly familiar tidal wave threatening to crash over into his actions and words. He had to remember it wasn’t time, he had to keep going and keep pretending for a little while longer, he knew Seungmin would scold him for being too altruistic. Hyeongjun didn’t understand why he hadn’t just dropped Jungsu already and poor Jooyeon didn’t realise anything was happening. Gunil wanted to keep it that way for Jooyeon as long as he could. He wanted to keep them working as a unit for as long as possible. It was imperative that Gunil didn’t let this affect them as Xdinary Heroes and to do that he had to continue putting his leadership first and himself second.

“We stopped to grab some coffee too, just wanted to talk about the concert, let Hyeongjun talk a little bit of his stress out,” Gunil felt awful for lying, he didn’t know how Jungsu was doing it so often and so easily.

“As long as he’s calmer now, I talked Jiseok out of changing the strings by the way, he let me know you were concerned,” Jungsu smiled at him as Gunil climbed into bed, his hands travelled straight to Gunil’s biceps, drawing him into Jungsu’s space. Gunil decided to skip past the thoughts of Jungsu mentioning Jiseok in his bed, concentrating instead on their point of connection. Jungsu’s nails scraped along his skin, it grounded Gunil, narrowed his world view for a few moments until Jungsu spoke.

“What about your stress, my love?” Jungsu drew his face closer and closer to Gunil’s, stopping his lips barely a centimeter away from Gunil’s, waiting for his answer. My love, what Jungsu called him when he wanted Gunil because he knew how tingly Gunil felt from it. Gunil felt his contention so strongly at this moment, he wanted Jungsu, he would always want anything he could get from Jungsu. Jungsu was everything for him, his moon, his sun, his stars, he was always reminded of that when he looked at the sparkle in Jungsu’s endless eyes. He’d given Jungsu everything he had left after leading them all to success but to Jungsu he was just another one he loved. It was the wrong decision, but he wanted it one last time, and everyone always told him to be more selfish sometimes. His guilty conscience on this questionable choice couldn’t possibly match the shame Jungsu was hiding daily.

“Kiss me, Su, please,” it came out in a whimper, the uncertainty creeped into his request. Gunil felt Jungsu’s lips capture his own, and his worries seemed to melt away. Gunil pressed his lips back and they slotted together like puzzle pieces. Jungsu drew Gunil’s bottom lip into his own using his teeth, there was no force or pain, just Gunil enveloped by Jungsu. Soft, warm, inviting, everything Jungsu embodied as a person was present in his kisses too. Had Jiseok noticed that too? Gunil hadn’t meant to think about that right now, but over the previous six weeks it had become almost instinct to remember Jungsu’s silent betrayal to not just him, but all of them.

Jungsu ran his tongue over Gunil’s bottom lip, seeking entry to make their kiss deeper. Gunil allowed him in, relishing in the feeling of their tongues tied together, the taste of Jungsu’s toothpaste overly familiar. Everything was so familiar the way Jungsu pulled him even closer, their entire bodies pressed together. Warmth surrounded him. Gunil wrapped his arms around Jungsu’s waist, pushing Jungsu to be flat on the mattress underneath him. He was able to commit himself completely to kissing Jungsu now, he forced his tongue back into Jungsu’s mouth, running it along his teeth, trying to consume Jungsu. Building a map he would always remember. How quickly Gunil had changed the situation, took the power back from Jungsu. His response was arousing as usual, legs wrapped around Gunil’s hips, his talented fingers tying Gunil’s hair into knots, It was only a gentle tug, but Jungsu had never done this before. Gunil groaned, tiny puffs of air coming out his nose as Jungsu still wouldn’t let his mouth go, their teeth clashed together, their saliva ran down their chins. Gunil wanted more, he always wanted more from Jungsu and he could feel it as his shorts tightened around his cock, he became light-headed as his blood rushed elsewhere.

“Hyung, let me take care of you. I want you to feel good,” Jungsu separated their lips and let his request come out in short, shallow breaths. Gunil could feel Jungsu’s cock filling out against his own, a slight dampness on Jungsu’s boxers like he was already leaking, except Gunil could feel that Jungsu wasn’t quite hard enough yet. Gunil raised his eyebrow in confusion, Jungsu took the hint and explained.

“Ji-, j-just couldn’t wait for you, already took care of myself,” Jungsu stumbled over what he wanted to say, Gunil wanted to walk away at Jungsu’s near confession.

“Thought of me just that irresistible baby?” Gunil tried to joke, but the tiny slip up had taken the mood from him. He had wanted Jungsu to take care of him one more time, almost like a goodbye to their relationship. Gunil wasn’t sure he could even go through with that now.

“Always, you’re so gorgeous. Please can I?” He was sincere in his compliment, his request was a plea. Jungsu’s hand gently moved down his chest and tummy, splayed wide to cover as much surface area as possible. Jungsu’s silent worship of Gunil is what had made him love his softer, plushier stomach. He had never been as harshly cut or well defined as anyone else despite his hours upon hours at the gym and his long periods of dieting. Until Jungsu had peppered him with kisses, with affirmations of beauty between each kiss, Gunil had no confidence. Now he did, now he loved the hard work he put into himself, he enjoyed looking in the mirror. Most of all he enjoyed this, Jungsu underneath him, desperate to give him release. Gunil had to level with himself, it would have to be the last time he let this happen.

“Please, Jungsu,” it was breathless, Gunil ready to give himself over to his pleasure one more time. His head raced, encouraging Jungsu was the opposite of what he should do, it was also the opposite of what he needed too. He should be distancing himself, planning his attack, structuring the conversation he would need to have with Jungsu in the next few weeks. However, Gunil had fallen straight back into Jungsu’s arms instead, it felt like a forgiveness that he shouldn’t have given. Gunil used his strength to flip himself back on the mattress so Jungsu could adore him.

Jungsu spread his arms and his legs, as he caressed and kissed Gunil’s body it felt like he had more than two hands and one set of lips, the sensations were all consuming. Jungsu pressed open mouthed kisses on his neck, tiny bites of his teeth coming and going, conscious not to leave marks that would need to be covered. Gunil tried tying his fingers in the Jungsu’s hair like he had done to him earlier, but it was too short at the back there was nothing for him to grab, so he clawed his nails down Jungsu’s back, leaving marks behind for the next person who gets to observe Jungsu’s beauty. He’d already made the decision it wouldn’t be him anymore. He was trying not to be loud, he didn’t want anyone to hear, there was a lot more sex in their dorm than anyone would imagine but they were respectful of each other and their neighbours, but then he had a nasty thought. What if he was loud? What if he made Jiseok hear him? Would Jiseok think again before trying to steal Jungsu away forever?

“Su, please,” he moaned, if Jungsu hadn’t bit bruises into his pecs to leave a dull pain he surely would have floated away. Gunil was fully hard, his cock burning from the friction of his shorts and Jungsu’s stomach above him. Jungsu listened and spat on his own hand, Gunil shivered from the sight, he wasn’t allowed a moment to process before Jungsu wrapped the same hand around the base of his cock. A satisfaction washed over him, as he got the stimulation he was desperate for. All Jungsu had done was touch his cock, nothing more, but still he felt so close. He threw his head back to stop looking at Jungsu for a moment and willed himself to stop being so desiring. He wanted, needed for this to last, if he could have anything it would be this forever so Jungsu would never leave him. Gunil would give himself to this moment if everything would fade away.

“So big and so wet, you make my hand feel so small,” it was whispered in his ear, with a bite to his earlobe as Jungsu finally started to move his hand, up and down. Gathering some pre-cum with his thumb to make the glide smoother, the increasing lack of friction was delightful. Gunil couldn’t help but push his hips into it, no rhythm or set motion, he just moved and moaned as desperation came over him. This was the effect Jungsu always had, always would have on him. Gunil was furious really, he let himself do this, but he’d never do this again.

“Faster, baby, more, please, I’m so close,” his voice was quiet but his request was met. Jungsu introduced his other hand to Gunil’s cock, which was the firmest it had been. Despite his insistence to make it last, Gunil couldn’t last. He always responded to Jungsu with such zeal and devotion.

“Already? You’re so good for me, my Gunil, you’re perfect,” Gunil loved being called good, he loved being perfect for Jungsu, the praise went straight to his head. More importantly, straight to his cock, he felt his quickening heartbeat in his balls as he came, spurts of white coated Jungsu’s hands. Gunil lifted his head slightly, purposely taking small breaths to even himself out. He didn’t want to be upset but the dissonance of the situation was not lost on him now his head was cleared of lust. He already felt starved, his self-imposed Jungsu ban coming into effect from this moment.

“Gunil, I love you, always,” Jungsu kissed him softly on the lips, ran a wet wipe over his own hands and Gunil’s cock before snuggling into Gunil’s side, his feline facets taking over as his head rested on the warmest part of the bed. Gunil wouldn’t say it back, his decision was made. The band was more important than himself, no moments of greed would change that. He thought of letting them down. How disappointed would Seungmin be if he didn't have adoring fans? How much more melancholy would Hyeongjun appear without a guitar in his hands? Would Jooyeon even live if he couldn’t sing to whoever would listen? Gunil couldn’t do it to them. He would fix it so they could continue, if he broke his own heart along the way, well it was already halfway there.

He was hot and sweaty once again, this time from the blinding lights and thousands of people who watched them crammed into Olympic Hall. Gunil was aware that few of those eyes were trained on him but he had never minded, he sat behind his drum kit with Hyeongjun on right and together they carried the rhythm and the melody. Regardless of what else happened, Gunil would always have fun, playing music people wanted to hear with his friends. He could barely see past the front of the stage although he knew Jooyeon and Seungmin were to his left. Jooyeon’s strong voice carried to every corner of the venue despite the illness that had creeped into his throat. Seungmin shined in his red velvet suit and his phosphorescent orange hair, every single keystroke, movement and breath calculated to make their audience lose their minds, Seungmin did nothing without thinking how it would have maximum, devastating effect. Gunil tried to keep his gaze on Jooyeon, the drums and the bass had to go together after all, he could do this with his eyes closed though, his muscles would move on their own. His eyes were trained on Jooyeon for the reason that he couldn’t stand to look at who was on his right.

Jiseok and Jungsu, together, in a world that just didn’t include Gunil. All throughout the evening, every single time Gunil allowed his eyes to wander from Jooyeon and Seungmin they seemed to be entwined. Jiseok dancing with Jungsu, Jungsu running off to hug Jiseok. He loved to see his other members toying with one another as they played the songs they had written together, it would always come with a little jealousy as they ran free, but this was his place, watching them be wonderful from afar. Sometimes they would visit him, remind him he belonged just as much. Yet as much as Seungmin visited his drum kit to laugh with him, or Hyeongjun supported him and whispered his funny observations in his ear, the sight of themstill drew his attention. Jiseok at Jungsu’s keyboard at the only moments Gunil would want his regard. They looked saccharine, Villains likely thought it adorable the way Jungsu delicately showed Jiseok which keys to press to layer the melody over Gunil’s drum solo. Jungsu looked at him still, smiled with pride as Gunil had his moment of glory, but his hand was still on Jiseok’s shoulder and in spite of his beaming grin, Jungsu’s focus was really for Jiseok. Gunil turned his attention away from them just as Hyeongjun wandered over to see what was going on. Gunil could have snapped. Anger wasn’t an appropriate emotion for this moment, this event, all he could do was play his drums with a little more force. He was relieved when it was over, those last few bangs of his drumsticks released the tension in his shoulders.

So he continued with the concert. He pretended not to see every moment Jiseok and Jungsu chose to share, but it was impossible to ignore them, it was palpable and complicated the way they brushed over each other, it made them seem inseparable. To keep going he had pressed forward in an almost dissociative state, splitting the Gunil he was from the leader and drummer that Villains needed to see. He managed to piece together the separate parts before his ment, sewn back together with an imperfect, weak stitch. He’d thought about it briefly the night before, Jungsu had slept soundly beside him, what could he say when his heart, usually so full of love and positivity, had been shattering in billions of pieces for weeks. There was an image he had to maintain, and three friends he still adored. So the prose flowed out of him, his passion and intensity in all forms filled the silent space of the concert hall as his name was cheered.

Gunil talked about all of them in turn, Seungmin first, hiding his face behind the letter he'd written for Villains on his postcards as Gunil talked about how Seungmin’s tears contributed to his heartbreak. Gunil embarrassed him a little, yes but he was truthful in wishing Seungmin to be more open with them. When he spoke of Jiseok he had to be positive and upbeat, he remembered the boy who was so happy to work with him, a little starstruck because he'd followed Gunil on YouTube and he formed his thoughts based on that, not the Jiseok that betrayed him.

“Seriously, our Jiseok is also a really great and reliable friend. I'm really grateful that Jiseok is here, he has been so busy this year. He's really worked so hard, but I'm really very proud of him for growing up so much. And seeing him practice every night, a week or even a few weeks before the concert, when I was a trainee, I would tell him to please practice, but now seeing him practice on his own makes me so proud. Seriously, I'm so grateful for you Jiseok. I'm really grateful that you trusted me and followed me,” Gunil wanted each and every word to be truthful, and it was, it could be twisted by those who were in the know as Hyeongjun gave him a suspecting glare, but it was kind enough and friendly enough that no one would give him a hard time. Then Jooyeon, who had been with him the longest, simply just teased him for being sick and not being very grown up when they first met. Jooyeon had grown, but he still knew this would hurt Jooyeon the most. Jiseok and Jungsu were his best friends, he spent the most time with them. Before he got to Jungsu was Hyeongjun, a very sincere, strong Hyeongjun who became more and more his friend with every passing day. He knew Hyeongjun would not accept his hug now, but maybe if he asked quietly later, Hyeongjun would amuse him with a brief, platonic embrace. Gunil took a deep breath before he looked at Jungsu, his eyes became full of tears at just a brief glance.

“Our Jungsu is really such a cool person. I'm just joking, but when fans come to our fan-signing and say, ‘Gunil, if you could choose a boyfriend among the members, who would it be?’ I always say Jungsu without a doubt.” Gunil would never share that Jungsu had been his boyfriend for three years, since before their debut. He hoped his choice of words reminded Jungsu of their shared time, how much his mistake would cause him to throw away, and not just between the two of them, but everyone. When Gunil had pondered the words he might say last night, he thought his words for Jungsu would be a grand confession, a longing plea for Jungsu to choose him. Instead he just felt passive, resigned to and accepting that Jungsu had hurt him.

“He's really someone I can learn a lot from, and I think our team was able to do well because of Jungsu. He's the type who doesn't talk much about his struggles. He's the type who tries to overcome them alone, so I get a little upset every time I see him. There were so many times when I felt sorry because I wanted to lighten the load a bit but couldn't. But, our Jungsu really, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that you've worked so hard. Oh, and there's something I suddenly wanted to ask you! Why did you suddenly send me a KakaoTalk the day before yesterday saying that I love you? When I received that I was so flustered and said, ‘Oh, Jungsu suddenly confessed his love to me like this? So I sent him the heart emoticon and replied ‘Oh, I love you too',” he was embarrassed, flustered that he’d said so much yet Jungsu almost looked through him. He was giving his whole self to Jungsu in front of thousands, as if they were the only two in the room, but Jungsu still stared ahead.

“Isn't that a breach of contract?” Jiseok tried to ask with amusement in his voice, but he was ignored. Finally as Jiseok spoke, Jungsu turned back around and smiled, the only person to respond.

“But I was really touched by that-” Gunil continued, Jungsu moved closer to him, finally affirming that he’d been paying attention. The next interruption was more welcome than Jiseok’s flat jokes.

“I love you, hyung,” Jungsu reached his hand out and grabbed Gunil’s hand without a mic in it. How many times had Jungsu said I love you, hyung to Gunil? Every single time he’d been elated, floating, ready to throw everything he was at Jungsu to make sure he felt the love returned tenfold. Until now. Gunil felt flat, his heart didn’t beat any faster, his stomach didn’t swell with butterflies. They were just words, nice words that still gave him some contentment but the same he would get from Seungmin saying he loved him.

“Are we just going to shake hands?” He tried to keep the mood light as he pulled Jungsu into a hug. It was clunky and awkward, they didn’t fit together any more. Gunil’s head didn’t slot into Jungsu’s shoulder, his arms hadn’t pulled Gunil in by his waist. It sparked nothing in him and he was numb. Jungsu patted his hip, as eager to leave this strange clasp as Gunil had been to enter it.

“We support your relationship,” Hyeongjun added, it was dry and sarcastic, it could have almost made Gunil laugh if he hadn’t worked out all his emotions over the last few weeks. Jungsu recoiled as they parted, his eyes trained on Jiseok, attentive to the fact it was Jiseok’s turn to speak next. He patted his eyes with his t-shirt and shared a glance with Seungmin, paired with one of Seungmin’s sweet, reassuring closed mouth smiles.

Finally it was over, the bright, flaming hot, colourful lights of the stage were swapped for dull and fluorescent white as they signed autographs and took photos and finished their vlog backstage. Hours more of being switched on, hours before he escaped to the airport and climbed up from the hell that had been created for him. It seemed at every corner, in every room he entered, Jungsu and Jiseok were there, hugging, talking, it was nothing suspicious or implicating. Best friend activities for ‘best friends’, but why were they so present? Why did it follow him? Why didn’t Jungsu notice when he walked in the room?

Finally he caught Jiseok alone, not attached to Jungsu like codependent children. Jungsu must have gone to the bathroom or to say goodbye to his parents, without him or Jiseok. Jiseok smiled at him, and without thinking Gunil returned the grin with the same intensity.

“Hyung,” Jiseok came and ran over to him, arms outstretched. He was definitely the most physically affectionate of them all, he couldn't go more than a few minutes without wrapping himself around someone. Jiseok yearned to feel their love and support through touch and caress, you never had to say anything to Jiseok, you just had to hold him tight. His smaller size made him perfect to grip him close and forget he was even nestled into someone's chest. Jiseok's target had always been his hyungs, Jungsu and Gunil, he loved their comforting squeeze the most. So Gunil let him, his arms that dwarfed Jiseok's own wrapped tightly around Jiseok's waist. He pressed himself closer than Gunil should allow, than even really possible and grinned up at him, his eyes pleading with innocence.

“Hyung, did you have fun today? You looked like you had fun,” his joy was infectious, it spread regardless of consequence. Gunil wanted to trust him still, Jiseok, his personal sunshine turned his nightmare over the past few weeks. Even still, Gunil took an arm from his waist to fix a stray hair on Jiseok’s head, a natural response to having such a precious being in his arms was to nurture it, Gunil was the same with all of them. He stroked Jiseok’s hair, sighing, he could already feel himself forgiving Jiseok. It was much easier than forgiving Jungsu, between Jiseok's radiance and the buoyancy he brought to every situation, forgetting his involvement in this moment was so easy. The illusion was shattered when he observed Jungsu through the door frame, simply just talking away to Seungmin, who had Hyeongjun trailing behind him ready for his alone time. That was the reason he couldn’t forgive Jiseok for now, even though he felt compelled to, Jiseok was the other half of the reason Jungsu had caused him pricking, sharp pain in his heart.

“I did Jiseokie, you know I always have fun. You looked like you had fun with my Jungsu, it was cute to watch,” the last part was a lie, he would have found it cute a few weeks ago now it had twisted his stomach in knots of anger. His grin was still present, but as he’d spoken his eyes had soured looking at Jiseok, sincerity slipping away from him. He wanted Jiseok to worry, to feel a minute fraction of the anxiety he had caused Gunil. “You have to be careful though, people might get the wrong idea if you keep spending so much time together. It’s all about being subtle, okay Jiseokie?”

Immediately he regretted his words, now Jiseok would have the mind to think Gunil was condoning the very thing causing him pain. Jiseok had the audacity to laugh, finally wrapping his arms around Gunil’s shoulders to squeeze him into a vice grip. Gunil felt how slick Jiseok’s hands were as his palms rubbed against his neck, he was sweating. Jiseok had heard Gunil’s statement and started sweating, he shouldn’t have anything to worry about? Gunil 's words clearly made him worried. Jiseok was hiding his face, embarrassment or longing? Gunil couldn’t tell.

“I won’t take him away from you, hyung,” he whispered in Gunil’s ear, he let go of Jiseok instantly, shaking himself off and took a long step back. Jiseok still had his innocent smile plastered to his face, pretending he was free of sin. Gunil’s head started to race, his eyes darted from side to side to plot an escape, his breath quickened. He needed to leave Jiseok immediately, all the positivity he had tried to feel for Jiseok gone with a simple remark. Jiseok always had a way of getting exactly what he wanted, usually through modest, polite childishness and playful pleading with lots of affection, but that was purely manipulative. Gunil’s skin crawled as he caught a glimpse of Jiseok. His conflict between loving his sweet Jiseok and the Jiseok that had stolen Jungsu was gone, he festered with anger and sadness and it was too much it turned into panic. As he ran out the room, leaving Jiseok likely confused, he didn’t know where to go. He couldn’t run to Jungsu, his one comfort was gone, but he knew he shouldn’t be alone anymore. Gunil wandered the venue aimlessly, trying to find someone to hang around, attach himself to with small talk until he could disappear into his room and then to the airport. He hadn’t felt this since his teenage years, he was stretched thin, ready to snap and break and tear himself or something apart. His extremities were tingly, fingers and toes felt miles from his hands and feet, but his core was so heavy, pulling him into the floor. His blood thumped in his ears, deafening, all he could hear was his heartbeat, faster than the adrenaline from the stage ever brought about. He felt like he could see himself from above, abandoned and lost, the rise and fall of his chest didn’t match his lack of breath. If he threw himself into fire to match the intensity of his emotions it would be less painful, less devastating. He could spark with anger and smoke with jealousy, allowing his thoughts to darken as he ran out of oxygen.

He needed a bathroom, or a cupboard, somewhere small, compact. Something he could squash himself into to feel whole again, pull together all the parts that were shattered but just about still attached. The bright lights blurred into one off-white streak that spotted his vision, the only break when someone's dark hair passed by his eyeline. They all ignored him, passed him by without a thought, they all had a purpose. What was his anymore? Gunil felt relieved when someone grabbed his hand, the dizziness and lack of direction in his head calmed just a little with the reminder that he was here. He was real. Gunil was real. They were speaking, but his ears were underwater, he could hear the sounds, but he couldn’t make it out. They squeezed his hand, once then a pause, again, another pause. It was predictable, he tried to match his breathing. In during the squeeze, out during the gaps. The sense he lost came back to him, touch first, suddenly he could make out the callouses on the fingers holding his. Then the smell, clearly it was the fragrance of the person closest to him, slightly citrusy like a freshly cut orange, leaves as if it was the start of spring but mostly just musty cotton from sweat and nicotine. Gunil could narrow it down, it had to be Hyeongjun or Seungmin, only those two would smell like cigarettes, Hyeongjun from smoking himself and Seungmin from his proximity to the other. Next his eyes unblurred, each light was one individual bulb again, the person holding his hands and smelling so close was Hyeongjun. Upon seeing Hyeongjun’s mouth move and the shape of the words on his tongue, finally he could hear.

“Hyung, hyung. Gunil-hyung,” it was only a whisper, quiet, repetitive words. Gentle, the metaphorical waves lapped at his feet calmly again instead of threatening to take him with them. Hyeongjun’s eyes were a little blown from the cigarette he would have just gone out to smoke, but they were reassured and confident. He knew how to help Gunil, Hyeongjun would help him, “Can you come with me hyung? Don’t want to leave you out here.”

Gunil could only nod in agreement, his brain hadn’t quite regained his ability to piece sentences together. His feet almost moved of their own accord as Hyeongjun guided him, only one hand attached now as they walked through the winding corridors. Hyeongjun’s grasp was different to Jungsu’s it was strange to experience something different, the calloused, hard skin felt like holding a matchbox. His long fingers wrapped almost all the way around the back of Gunil’s hand, much further than Jungsu’s had ever reached, still squeezing and releasing in the predictable rhythm that controlled Gunil’s breaths. He blinked rapidly at the change in lighting, a smaller, darker room suddenly being his new surroundings.

“Hyung, sit here between me and Seungmin, please,” Hyeongjun was just so soft, softer than Gunil had ever heard him be. One hand still held Hyeongjun, and the other quickly became entwined finger in finger with Seungmin’s as he sat on the sofa he had been guided to. Gunil wished he could comment on how cute it was when Hyeongjun and Seungmin clasped their hands over his lap to join them into a circle. Their pretty, long fingers matched with painted nails and knotted together in perfect balance, unlike the contrast of his own short fingers against theirs on each side of his. Without a single communication between them, Seungmin somehow matched Hyeongjun’s breath-guiding pressure perfectly. If his brain was a cloudy sky, the sun was finally peeking through.

“Thank you, Hyeongjunnie,” words finally formed in his mouth without turning to dust. His eyes closed and he let himself return to his head, the conversation he had with Jiseok threatened to wipe itself from his memory, but it couldn’t before he spoke to Seungmin. Hyeongjun was one simple thing, angry and ready for justice, yes, but happy enough to take Gunil’s lead because he didn’t quite understand. Seungmin however, was quietly emotional, he festered until it became too much and Jungsu was his oldest friend of them all. This would make him angry and it would only take one tiny push before he exploded.

“You’re okay hyung, I shut the door. We’ve got you, talk to us, talk to Seungminnie,” Hyeongjun explained, the grip on his hand loosening but not leaving all together. His breathing had returned so the rhythm had stopped, but the soft caress of them both hadn’t vanished. A wave of gratitude came over him, two of his bandmates might have betrayed them, but there were still three others who could rescue him.

“Gunil, tell us to stop at any time, okay, we’ll let it go and drop this whole thing until you change your mind I promise, you need to talk to us on your own terms,” Seungmin’s eyes softened, still sharp and clever, but full of compassion. “You're so sad, even Jooyeon has noticed and Hyeongjunnie has filled in some of the gaps but I want you to talk to me hyung.”

“I don’t know where to start,” he hung his head, stared at the navy trousers he’d been made to wear today, trying to focus on the weave of each individual thread. Did he start with Jungsu and what he’s done, or his own feelings and how it made him feel? Maybe even the conversation he’d just had with Jiseok? “I kept telling myself I had to keep it in until after these concerts for the sake of us all, and it’s been so difficult. Watching Jungsu and Jiseok dance around and play today, it should have been joyful and fun, but it hurt and all I could do was play my drums a little harder. Now they’re over, I don’t know what to do. Seungmin, I don’t want anything to change.”

“Something needs to change though, doesn’t it? You can’t keep being miserable and closed off. The longer you leave this Gunil, the higher and higher you’ll end up building these walls you think are protecting you, and eventually it will make things change anyway. Even Jooyeon, earlier, broke his vocal rest just to ask me ‘why is hyung so sad recently?’. If Jooyeonie can notice, it won’t be long until the staff do and villains do and Gunil, I know you’ll just let it get worse as long as it stays the same for everyone else,” Seungmin untangled their hands so he could wave his hand through Gunil’s narrowed vision, prompting him to stop being rude and actually look in the direction of the person speaking to him. Except for Seungmin’s bright orange hair though he struggled to make out any features due to the tears that had suddenly filled his eyes. He blinked and they started to spill. Gunil had no words to say, so he let Seungmin continue on.

“What you don’t realise hyung, is that you being so hurt is already changing things. Rehearsals have felt so monotone and pointless without your cheerful encouragement and no one else can quite bring the vibe back up. You were so serious on stage today, and yes, your playing was incredible but it felt like there was a tension, like you might scold us if we didn’t match your perfection. Yes, we have to sound good, but we have to have fun too, you’re losing the fun. You’re only letting yourself be our leader and you are so good at it, but what about Gunil? Where’s Gunil gone?”

“Seungmin,” he sounded raspy and breathless. He tasted tears on his lips, “I have to be your leader, I have to help you guys first, that’s my job and my role here. If I don’t put my issues aside, I can’t help any of you guys with your own, and that's what I have to do. I need to be available for you five, I have to have everything under control. I’m your hyung, it’s different because that’s what’s expected of me,” It brought him no relief to say this, and he wanted to stare at his trousers again, pretend Seungmin and Hyeongjun weren’t here and that his self-imposed countdown hadn’t expired. He pulled his other hand from Hyeongjun’s and pressed his palms into his eyes, willing the tears to stop, trying to force them back into his eyes. He couldn’t cry; crying was an activity he did alone.

“Hyung, you can’t be our leader if you’re miserable. Also, stop trying to hide from us, you’re allowed to cry, especially about this. You haven’t cried about this yet have you?” Seungmin was able to see right through him. He was so relentlessly positive, who else would Hyeongjun bring him to? Gunil shook his head at Seungmin’s question, embarrassed. He could feel them both shuffle a little bit closer to him by the weight of the sofa cushions shifting. Seungmin’s arms came first, one wrapped around his shoulder and the other petting his hair; then, surprisingly, Hyeongjun’s arms wrapped around his stomach, his chin resting on Gunil’s shoulder. He could almost feel Hyeongjun’s compassionate smile against his neck. He appreciated Hyeongjun reminding him he was there, it wasn’t just Seungmin and his over-optimism, there was Hyeongjun with his much more realistic world view just there as well. Gunil knew how difficult it still was for Hyeongjun to offer his affection, so he took his hands away from his eyes and gave Hyeongjun’s forearm a grateful squeeze to say thank you. The dual embrace was almost overwhelming, he felt too cared about, too well observed.

“Thank you for letting me cry,” it was hard for Gunil to form words again, wracking, devastating sobs turning into hiccups as the calm breathing rhythm that Seungmin and Hyeongjun helped to set vanished. He violently gasped for oxygen, his mouth filling more with salt and fluid than air. Hyeongjun even rubbed his back, small soothing circles, he briefly wondered, how many times had Seungmin done this for him? If Seungmin used his empathetic disposition to soothe Hyeongjun’s worries, of course he would want to do the same for Gunil.

“Oh hyung, you worry about us too much. I know you want to be our leader, we want you to be as well. We need you, just as much as you need us you know. We’d fall apart without you, seriously. I wish you’d come and found us earlier, we love you so much hyung. We need you to love yourself and put yourself first. If you put yourself first, you can protect us from being hurt more. Let us protect you, please, you’re so rightfully hurt because of Jungsu-hyung and I know you feel this responsibility for us but we’re all adults, we’re all friends. You can come to me for protection and strength as well,” Seungmin was carding his fingers through Gunil’s hair, soft, reassuring, “We need you, all of you, Gunil-hyung, not just your altruism. We don’t need you to sacrifice yourself, we need you to focus on yourself.”

“I can try, maybe. It’s so hard, even now I don’t want to hurt Jungsu and Jiseok back by being an absent leader, both of them still need me,” Gunil loosened himself out of Hyeongjun and Seungmin’s hold a little, he could sense Hyeongjun’s relief to have his arms back as he took Gunil’s cue to let go. Seungmin didn’t though, or he chose not to, even using his thumbs to help Gunil wipe away the tears that stained all of his face and neck.

“Hyung, what if it was Hyeongjun and I?” Seungmin paused, taking a second to imagine and neglect the situation he’d thought up, Gunil knew that Seungmin was changing his approach, appealing to the very part of Gunil that had taken over, “If Hyeongjun was cheating on me with Jiseok, how would you feel?”

Gunil had to take a breath, fill his lungs up with oxygen because the words had brought him so many emotions. He had to listen to Seungmin, he had changed, things had changed no matter how much denial he threw at his situation, with his realisation his tears stopped flowing, leaving his face sticky and itchy. Hyeongjun passed him a wet wipe, Gunil didn't really want to know why they'd had wipes in here with them. Gunil and his overwhelming, pointless emotions ruining their fun most likely, they all knew what the two of them liked to get into each other after performance. It was just another facet to add to his ever growing guilt. Even still he used the wipe to clean his face of the dried salt, the remnants of his makeup coming off with it. In every single way, he felt stripped bare, Seungmin had brought down every defense he'd held up, the walls he’d crafted, crumbling and crashing down, the bricks adhered with chalk, not cement. He now wholeheartedly understood the point Seungmin was trying to make, if it was them, any of them, he wouldn't allow it to happen. He would argue and fight and pray for their happiness and aid in the protection of them against their worst selves. That’s what Seungmin and Hyeongjun and Jooyeon and even Jiseok and Jungsu needed Gunil to do for himself, now.

“Oh, sorry Seungmin. I only just got it. I need to put myself first, for once don’t I?” Gunil was shy to ask, selfishness even for self-preservation was so foreign, it felt as new as English had to him when he moved to America. “I don’t know how Seungmin, I don’t know what I need to do.”

“Okay, hyung, I’m glad you’ve come to that realisation. Don’t do anything until you’ve been home to your family, that will help you, you’ll remember everything that matters and everything that is precious. Like how you’re precious to us, Gunil. Let us give you some strength, I’ll talk to Jungsu while you’re away. He's been my friend the longest, and when you come back we’ll hug you and support you to move forward. It’s only going to work to fix it if we all work with each other, towards the same goal. The goal that you thought you could achieve alone. Go home, eat your Eomma’s soup, joke with your big brother and remember what being Gunil without Jungsu and Xdinary Heroes is like and it’ll make it easier I promise. Even if none of this works, you deserve to be happy hyungie, you’re so precious to us and to me and I’d rather have a session drummer playing behind me if it meant you were okay. I love you okay, we love you so much,” Seungmin clasped a hand around his cheek and pressed, tender, forgiving.

“I love you Seungmin, you too Hyeongjun,” he pressed his cheek into Seungmin’s hand, a silent thank you. It couldn’t be that difficult to put himself first, he had learned to forgive himself all those years ago, surely this was a similar process, lots of grace and kindness, values he had lacked in his attempt to keep the band going. He stood up to leave, he wanted to strip his clothes, shower to wash away his worries, figuratively and literally. Seungmin and Hyeongjun automatically slotted back together like the last two pieces of a puzzle, if Hyeongjun was the mysterious moon, Seungmin had always been the unsuspecting sun, brightening everything in his path. Gunil cast his eyes away, he thought that sort of love had been so secure for him, but he’d forgotten to lock the door and Jungsu had walked out with the key. All he could do now was rebuild himself.

The car containing Gunil, Jooyeon and Hyeongjun had gotten stuck in traffic and left behind on the way back to their dorm, leaving Seungmin, Jungsu and Jiseok a full ten minutes ahead of them. Ten minutes Gunil could have used packing before his flight - he’s pretty sure he got everything done the other day but he wanted to double check. He knew he had his passport back from their manager, he knew he had packed underwear and socks and his Appa’s favourite kimchi, so what else mattered? There were shops and old clothes in dusty drawers, he lacked the energy to care. He was just so pathetically drained, barely listening to Jooyeon finally share all he’d held in for his last three days of vocal rest, Hyeongjun entertained Jooyeon instead, periodically prodding Gunil’s leg to stop him from falling asleep. Another reason to be grateful for Hyeongjun.

“Hyung, we’re back. I had to let you sleep a little, you need some energy to get to the airport,” Hyeongjun tapped his shoulder from the outside of the car and quickly guided him inside. Inside, he'd expected calm. Jungsu shuffling around making food for them all, Jiseok close behind him pretending to help, Seungmin lounging comfortably on their couch waiting for Hyeongjun. What met him instead was loud and abrasive on his ears, threatening to send him into a panic for a second time that day.

Seungmin banged and thrashed on Jungsu's bedroom door with his whole body, it must be locked, or Jungsu must have pressed furniture against it because Seungmin was using more than enough force to break it and burst through the lock. Jiseok was nowhere in sight. He must be in there with Jungsu. Gunil took a long, deep breath and walked right past Seungmin to his own room, hoping he'd be momentarily invisible as he shuffled past. He wasn’t invisible, but Seungmin didn’t drag him into it, just cast his furious, red gaze to Gunil for a moment. His expression softened into an apology as he allowed Gunil to glide past. Not an hour ago he had told Seungmin he would put himself first, he wouldn’t sacrifice everything to be their leader, that included letting them fight their own battles.

“Oh, I swear to God, Kim Jungsu. You need to get out of this room now and face your mistake like a grown man. You want me to tell Hyung what you said, what you did?” His voice rang out deep and slow, despite calling Jungsu a grown man, Seungmin spoke like he was trying to provide consequences to a petulant child. Gunil lingered at the mention of his name, but he had to remind himself this was between them, down to what happened in their car. Gunil might be the subject matter, but this wasn't his wrong, this wasn’t his issue. He was curious though, what was so shameless and unabashed that Seungmin’s calm demeanour about Jungsu and Jiseok had changed in the course of an hour-long car ride.

“Gunil-hyung,” Jooyeon and his taller frame came right up beside Gunil, there was a worry in his voice. Gunil realised. He was the only one with no context at all, Gunil had purposely left Jooyeon out of this as long as possible. Jiseok and Jungsu were his best friends, the three of them always so happy together, Gunil didn’t want to strip that from him. “What’s happening? Why is Seungmin-ah so angry, why is Hyeongjun just nodding at him? What have Jiseok and Jungsu done?”

Jooyeon wasn’t observant by any means, especially not in comparison to hypervigilant Hyeongjun and positive problem solver Seungmin, but once he’d been pulled into something his ability to start putting the pieces together was impressive, always smarter than really anyone gives him credit for. He stuck by Gunil’s side, waiting for answers, looking at Gunil with his sweet, puppy eyes, not just waiting but begging. Gunil reached up to run a hand through Jooyeon's surprisingly soft blonde hair, to say ‘later’, he had to see this play out first.

“Open this fucking door Kim Jungsu. You as well Kwak Jiseok, you’re both in there, thinking this is fucking funny? It’s not fucking funny, I can hear you laughing,” Seungmin’s amplitude had increased again, Gunil wanted to cover his ears, he couldn’t take the argument they were going to have. Hyeongjun stood stoic behind Seungmin, his facial expression lacking anything, but he was ready to support Seungmin, a reassuring hand on his back. No one moved, no one spoke while Seungmin desperately clawed at the door handle, willing it to unlock, but he couldn't; they were the only ones with keys to their own rooms. If Jungsu locked them out it was a choice, it wasn’t even like Gunil had a key, they’d always slept in his room. A surge of sadness as he realised why Jungsu had probably never given him a key.

The silence was cut by the twisting of a lock, the pull of a door handle. Jungsu walked out, solemn, his broad shoulders hanging low, the tension was a knife’s edge as he refused to cast his eyes upward towards any of them. Then the silence returned, no one spoke, they just watched Jiseok walk out behind him, sheepish, grasping in front of him for Jungsu’s hand. The intimacy they had shared was more obvious on Jiseok, his pupils blown wide, his lips wet and swollen, his clothes crumpled as if he’d rushed to put them back on. Gunil could feel the shift as everyone finally saw what he had all those weeks ago, there would always be before this moment, and then after for all of them. Jooyeon placed his head on Gunil’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug. He didn’t know who it was for more.

Seungmin approached Jungsu immediately, stepping between him and Jiseok, separating them bluntly. Jungsu was technically just the taller of the two, the broader of them both as well but between Seungmin towered above him. A predator ready to hunt, kill if necessary.

“What have you done?” Seungmin’s voice stayed level, his anger subsided now Jungsu left his sanctuary. Gunil was still scared, where would they go from here?

“I made a mistake, I’m sorry Seungmin. Truly,” it was honest, his voice was soft, but it was completely insincere. The audacity to offer an apology to Seungmin, then to Gunil, infuriated them both. Gunil still held tight in Jooyeon’s grasp, desperate to get out, to fall to his knees and ask where was his admission of guilt from Jungsu, when he was the one deeply, cuttingly hurt. It was a selfish thought, to think that he was the only one, but he deserved the apology the most.

“A mistake would have been the first time, and you apologise, and you beg, and beg, and beg for the forgiveness of Gunil, and he would still give you more than you would ever deserve for this,” Seungmin was gritting his teeth, spitting at Jungsu, moving ever closer, invading his space. “You have made a catastrophic, life-defining, error. If you were me, you wouldn’t come back from it, you’d walk out that door and never show your adulterous, cheating face again. This is not the Kim Jungsu I trusted when we were the only two trainees left. You’ve embarrassed yourself and for what?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know, just please. I am sorry, I don’t know,” his words came out with tears attached. Jungsu was crying, looking from side to side, frantic for someone’s support but Seungmin had cut him off from the one person who would give him any sympathy right now. Pushing him further and further down the hall, away from Jiseok. Gunil released himself from Jooyeon to follow, but he couldn't cut in, not quite yet.

“It’s not good enough, I know why. We both do, you said it yourself in the car, Gunil isn’t fun enough for you, there’s not enough ‘spice’ for you. You think that beautiful man can’t give you everything you’ve wanted so you strayed, and you should regret it. Jiseok can be wonderful in his own right, but he’ll never match what Gunil would give you in the circumstance that you have created for yourself,” Seungmin had pressed Jungsu against a wall, and they almost touched, but Seungmin’s face spoke of the disgust he held right now. “Kwak Jiseok, don’t think I’m not noticing every single second of your silence.”

There was a beat of silence, and another and another. Hyeongjun walked over to Jooyeon, who was holding his head in his hands, gripping his hair, confused and torn. Hyeongjun gently guided his hands back to his side, smoothing his hair out. Gunil wished it was his job to look after Jooyeon right now, it would be easier than monitoring Jungsu and Seungmin’s back and forth, slipping back into his leadership qualities so soon after he said he would shed them for his own sake.

“I don’t know what you want me to say Seungmin, you want me to tell the truth or to lie? You want me to say I liked hurting hyung? ‘cause maybe in a way, I did,” Jiseok finally contributed. The shattering ache in his heart couldn’t be worse, but it stabbed into his lungs, his stomach at Jiseok’s admission.

“Yeah, you can stay out of it actually, Jiseok. How can you enjoy hurting him? Gunil-hyung? He would give everything, and he has and he always makes sure you are happy and you enjoy hurting him! All that cum from all the cock you love to suck has gone to your fucking brain, you disgust me right now.” Rather than face the insult head on, Jiseok ran, a piercing bullet bouncing off the walls, scrambling for an escape. He found it behind his own bedroom door, refusing to make eye contact with Gunil as he passed. Gunil couldn't feel what Jiseok had said, there was betrayal in there, shoving it's way down and down under all the other layers.

“Don't speak to him that way, this is about me and my mistake, don't you dare drag Jiseok into this,” Jungsu's voice had venom dripping through it now, his mood changed from teary innocence, to defensive, protective spite. How strange he would admit guilt to ensure Jiseok wouldn't be implicated. Gunil stared at him, eyes blank and devoid, he didn't want to believe he was hearing this. Where was this protection for him, for his emotional state? Had he ever known Jungsu at all?

“There you go again, calling it a mistake. It's a fucking waste is what is it, of your talent, of hyung's love. Will you actually admit what you did? Have you not noticed hyung's been completely unlike himself, ‘cause it took one look at the two of you to understand? Gunil-hyung has known all this time and not once did you stop and think about him,” they were toe-to-toe, eye-to-eye, equal parts aggression and toxicity from both of them. If any of them were going to trade insults, tear each other apart, it would be these two. The two of them are bleeding hearts, sensitive and empathetic and prone to keeping it all bottled up until it explodes like a shaken soda bottle. Of course they'd explode at each other. They stood at a crossroads, Gunil waited at the junction for the green light, the sign that this was over, hoping it would come before the car crash waiting to happen. The hurt in Jungsu's eyes meant there were still tears poised to spill. Seungmin’s eyes sharp, eyebrows furrowed with bubbling rage.

“Oh Seungmin, tell me you wouldn’t do the same. If Hyeongjun stopped being good enough, you would do the same,” Jungsu held his head high, almost proud of his point. Gunil took a side step towards Seungmin, ready to intervene, this is where it would explode. Jungsu had dared to compare his situation to Seungmin’s, purposely provoking him by bringing up Hyeongjun. Gunil focused his thoughts like a laser beam onto the situation in front of him, Jungsu had just confirmed his worst, most outrageous fear and he had to push it away. He was supposed to be watching, but he needed to look to Hyeongjun, Jungsu had just hurt him too. Jooyeon had a tight grip around Hyeongjun’s shoulders, his knuckles white, if he wasn’t there Hyeongjun would fall.

Gunil shouldn’t have looked away. The sound of a whip crack assaulted his ears as Seungmin’s palm connected with Jungsu’s cheek. It was too late, but Gunil grabbed his wrist, a tight vice-like grip trapping his hand in the air before he could do it again.

“Let me go hyung,” Seungmin spat at him, a command he had to obey, as Seungmin shook his wrist violently from Gunil’s grasp.

“How dare you? How dare you! You’re a fool Kim Jungsu, a stupid fucking fool. Hyeongjun and Gunil are twice what you will ever be. You haven’t got a shred of honesty in your entire body, you would lie your way into anything if it makes someone who you wanted them to be. Who do you want Gunil to be? Who my Hyeongjun is shouldn’t concern you,” there was a blank stare, from both of them. Seungmin desperate for a response, Jungsu in shock with a blazing red palm print on his face. He had a fleeting fear of checking on Hyeongjun, he didn’t want any more violence, but he whipped his head round quickly and Hyeongjun was free of Jooyeon’s grasp, still close but he had his autonomy returned. Hyeongjun was as scarlet as Jungsu’s swollen cheek, only it was every inch of skin that could be seen.

“Say something, Jungsu, fucking say anything. You don’t get to imply they’re not enough, that the two people in this band who have given us more than they ever had to give aren’t enough for you. Or are you that selfish you have to have everything and more?” Empty question after empty question came from Seungmin’s mouth, falling out in a blind rage, tears welling up as his emotions overflowed. Seungmin raised his hands and shook at Jungsu’s shoulders, rattling his cage, pleading with him to free his words. Gunil could feel the back and forward force from his stance, like a pendulum rocking, keeping time for the eternal seconds that passed on. Eventually Hyeongjun joined at the other side of the junction, waiting for the green light like Gunil was.

“I don’t want everything, I want them to stop giving everything but nothing. This is about them both if you have to bring Hyeongjun into it-” Jungsu was interrupted.

“I didn’t bring Hyeongjun into it, you did, but continue to tell me what is so wrong about my boyfriend and my new favourite hyung,” it was the most reasonable thing Seungmin had said since they’d arrived home. Yes, it was meant to cut Jungsu because he was Seungmin’s oldest friend but Gunil wasn’t hurt he was only now becoming Seungmin’s favourite hyung surprisingly.

“All they give is their music, they give and give and give cause they’re so scared of anything more, they’re not as important as we are to this band. They languish at the back, hoping one day they’ll be more than selfless to us,” Jungsu words bit at them, but finally they were honest. He was breathless, defeated. In a blink Seungmin and Jungsu weren’t in his sight anymore, Seungmin had pushed them to the floor, his shaking finally forceful enough.

“Now you have nothing to say? I’m right Seungmin-ssi, you want more too,” Jungsu pressed verbally, physically he accepted his fate on the floor.

“No I don’t. I just want them to put themselves first, and I know Hyeongjun can, maybe you just don’t see it because you don’t love him enough. Hyung will get there, especially if he gets rid of your undeserving ass,” Seungmin collapsed on to Jungsu, trapping him, soaking his white shirt with patches of tears.

“Stop this, both of you. It’s enough,” he shouted like there was a crowd of hundreds. Gunil had to shove at Hyeongjun a little, get him off Seungmin, he hated to think it, especially now they had both been wounded but Hyeongjun’s physical strength was no match for what needed to be done. With both hands Gunil forced himself to grab Seungmin’s collar and pulled up, a mother scruffing her cub. He passed a now upright Seungmin to Hyeongjun, they were each other’s to deal with now. Gunil had done all he could.

He stalked over to the kitchen, opened the freezer, grabbing two ice packs. He gave one to Seungmin for his hand, with a smile. The other was for Jungsu, his swollen cheek growing larger, Gunil hated that he cared, but still he pressed it into the damage with a gentle pressure, not letting go until Jungsu firmly wrapped his hand to keep it there. Their fingers brushing with the smallest spark of intimacy.

“You’ve got two weeks, sort it out. I won’t help, I have enough to think about and this is bigger than Jungsu and I now. I’m so tired. I’ll talk to you all individually when I get back. Don’t kill each other,” it was a scathing final remark as Gunil finally locked himself behind his bedroom door, instantly slumping into his suitcase. He needed to go home, heal all his open wounds with his Eomma and Appa.

Chapter 2: ii - recognise your beauty is not a mask

Summary:

3 months later
[FANS] 건일 added a new post
2 hours ago

3 months after Gunil found out about the betrayal and the hurt, things still haven't been resolved, so he's made a rash choice. Now he has 24 hours to deal with the fall out of this too.

3 months later

[FANS] 건일 added a new post
2 hours ago

My dear Llainz,

As I'm sure you've seen from the company's statement on Twitter, I will be enlisting in the military very soon. I know this will be a shock to you all, yes I am so much older than my younger brothers, but my deadline wasn't for a little while longer. My decision was made with a heavy heart, but it feels like my time to do my duty. I want to come back to you in 18 months as a better, more mature, well rounded Gunil who doesn't let my emotions overwhelm me.

My experiences as a leader have been fragmented and emotional these past few months. For my brothers, the band, and for you Villains, I need to take a break to focus on something else so I can grow and develop. I will come back a better musician because I get to be in the military band. I'll share some trumpet videos with you on my return. I want to come back as a better leader because of the discipline and sacrifice I'll have to have in my new role.

I'm sorry that for once I don't have as many words as normal, I know you Llainz normally tease me for talking so much but this was so difficult to write as I don't want to leave you all behind for so long. Seungmin-ah and Hyeongjun-ah will take good care of the band and you while I am gone. I hope you can trust them as much as I am. Please spread your love to Jungsu, Gaon-ie and Jooyeon-ie too, I will miss them all so much. I'm not sure of the logistics of the live performance in my absence, but please support whoever sits in my chair, I'm sure they will play my parts better than myself.

I wish I could tell you all in person but, as I write this for you, I leave so soon. I will return to you, better than ever in 18 months.

I love you,
Gunil

Gunil had been staring blankly at his phone on and off since it was published; he hadn't sent it to the managers or the company. He had typed sincerely from his heart first in Korean, and then in English. He wanted as many as possible to know that his decision had been heartwrenching. He knew it was a little formal, a little too polished, but for once he was a little speechless and dumbfounded. He'd sat in silence since pressing post, despite Hyeongjun and Seungmin bumbling around him.

Every few minutes, just as he thought he could look away, focus on what he was supposed to be doing, his phone would light up, a call from Jungsu, a text from Jiseok, a simple sad face emoji from Jooyeon. He hadn't told them, it was too much. Gunil couldn't have faced Jooyeon's sad expression, the way he would have resembled a kicked puppy. Jiseok and Jungsu, well, they had caused this, he hadn't ever considered them part of his decision making. Only Hyeongjun, Seungmin, his parents and the relevant people at the company knew of his decision. His distance from Jungsu, Jiseok and therefore, unfortunately Jooyeon too, had felt almost infinite since they'd moved into separate dorms after his return from his Albuquerque. It hadn't lessened the tension, but it was better not having to try and live with each other - he didn't have to painfully imagine what was going on behind the closed door of Jungsu's bedroom every time he walked past. Instead he was just faced with the loud activities of Hyeongjun and Seungmin, but his noise-cancelling headphones worked well enough to combat that, or practicing his trumpet so they knew of his disapproval.

He was a far cry from playing that trumpet now, Seungmin was rifling through Gunil’s bedroom “helping” him to pack. Seungmin was doing it all for Gunil, he was sitting motionless on the living room rug, watching Hyeongjun chain smoke out the window, focusing on the smoke curling across the outside of the glass. He had been going up and down the stairs to smoke outside, like he’s supposed to, but Seungmin cut him off from that after the fifth cigarette and Hyeongjun threatening to go to seven-eleven for beer. He’d burn himself out of cigarettes eventually, but letting Hyeongjun have beer when there was this much pressure and stress building on him wouldn’t be good for any of them. Gunil had seen it first hand the past few months, Hyeongjun stumbling in at the small hours of the morning on Seungmin’s rescuing arm, Gunil waiting in the open-plan kitchen with water and a snack. He felt guilty, but they had both told him firmly ‘We need you to love yourself and put yourself first.’. That’s exactly what he was doing, he was just so sorry that it had led to this, to him going away, leaving them behind.

“Hyeongjun, take a break please, you’ll have a dead lung by the end of today if you keep going,” Gunil managed to squeeze out, his own chest was tight, like there wasn’t enough air to fill his lungs.

“Don’t care hyung, let me cope, please,” Hyeongjun was almost begging. Gunil couldn’t deny him this, not when he had caused it all. “Probably a good thing if I can’t talk anymore, I’m only going to fuck it all up.”

“Jun-ah, you’re not. I promise. I chose you because you’re so mature and wise, you understand everyone more than you realise. Seungmin already agreed to do the talking for you as well, but you understand this band, you understand what we’re about and what we want to do. Jungsu would turn us into pretty little perfect idol dolls tomorrow if I’d left it to him. You know Jiseok and Jooyeon are too immature,” Gunil sighed, rubbing his forehead.

It had been a hard decision deciding who to leave in charge of them all. The company had pushed for Jungsu, he was the next oldest, he was the most mature on paper, he would have made the most sense for Villains. However the vision of Xdinary Heroes didn’t need Jungsu to bastardise it, to turn them into the polished, robotic idols some people wished they were. Hyeongjun would keep them alive, their mission, their music - Hyeongjun understood it the most, he was the driving force behind so much of why they were what they were. Seungmin would take care of Hyeongjun, and therefore take care of them all.

“I know hyung, I’m not angry at you at all,” Hyeongjun finally exited the window, a handful of cigarette butts for the bin in tow. After making sure he hadn’t put them in the wrong bin, Hyeongjun sat cross-legged next to him, going as far to rest his head on Gunil’s shoulder, “I’m not angry at you, or with you, or even because of you. I just don’t know how to do what you do when we’re so fractured.”

“You can call me or text me whenever you need, I’m not going to evaporate off the face of the earth. I’ll just not be here, and I’ll be spending all my breaks with you and Seungmin unless my parents are around. Logically I’m only going to be an hour away, just a different part of Seoul. It’ll be okay, sweet Hyeongjun,” Gunil ran a hand through his hair, regretting it when he realised Hyeongjun hadn’t brushed it today.

“I know hyung, I understand why. I just selfishly don't want you to. You and Seungmin are my rocks, I rely on you both so much,” Hyeongjun sat back up, taking Gunil's entangled hand with his head. “Sorry about my hair, I'll shower and get Seungmin to brush it before dinner. I know you hate it when I smell like cigarettes.”

With that Hyeongjun stood up, shaking his head to untangle Gunil’s hand, not going towards the window but toward the bathroom for that shower he just mentioned. Gunil was secretly proud with a small smile on his face knowing Hyeongjun hadn’t gone back to the window with his cigarettes. Now that he had no company in the living room, he laid fully on the rug, staring at the ceiling. With the sound of the shower whirring up, he felt so lonely. He'd already counted the ceiling tiles (Of which there were 216, he was sure) when Hyeongjun had been smoking, and inspected each vent of the air conditioner for dust and grime. He felt so alone, and truthfully Gunil was lonely. He had been since he'd come back from America and officially told Jungsu they were through, for obvious reasons. It had broken his heart, he'd spent as much time in bed as his schedule would allow, Seungmin bringing him water, Jooyeon stopping by to try and cheer him up with cuddles and video games. He hadn't been able to take his embraces, through no fault of Jooyeon's own he smelled like them, but the endless hours of Jooyeon trying to teach him how to play League of Legends had been distracting enough. Hyeongjun simply made sure the room was the right temperature for him to sleep, making sure his laundry appeared washed and folded back in his wardrobe.

He was suffering, he had been suffering since that day he saw them in the practice room, but it had taken him eons to allow himself to grieve what he'd lost. Jungsu had been, still is his everything, one day he'd hope that when gay marriage was legalised in Korea it would have been them, together, on the steps of the wedding hall in traditional family hanboks or crisp white suits. Rice and petals thrown by loved ones floating around them as they shared in the joyous moment, a blend of the Korean wedding and lavish western weddings he'd attended as a teen.

Maybe his heart was still broken, it certainly hadn't felt like it had even started to scab over. Him and Jungsu hadn't really spoken, only cordially for practice and schedules, briefly about the matter at hand once he'd returned from his parent's home. Jungsu just hadn't listened about how hurt he was, how it felt like there were a thousand knives in him and Jungsu was twisting them all. All Jungsu cared about was Jiseok and pleasing him. It was painful, but Gunil was glad for clarity and the truth - Jungsu's priority was Jiseok. All he'd thought since then is ‘how long for?’. Gunil would never be brave enough to ask, he didn't want or need to know.

This has been his only option, there would be no other way for him to move on. He was brought back to attention by Seungmin coughing in the doorway of Gunil's bedroom where he’s been packing all of Gunil’s belongings away - holding a pair of shoes he'd forgotten he owned.

“What are you doing with these shoes hyung?” Seungmin asked, almost holding them at arm's length. It was clear Seungmin didn't approve of them, and to be honest, Gunil couldn't even remember owning or purchasing them.

“Oh, I was going to leave them for you Seungmin, they're no use to me during basic training and the only other person who has the same size feet as me is Jungsu,” there was a little bit of sadness to his voice, mentioning Jungsu, but Seungmin could see he'd clearly meant it as a joke.

“Hm,” Seungmin paused, clearly trying to think of a witty comeback, “I don't really think they're my style. You could offer them to Jooyeon, he's only a size smaller than you.”

Gunil genuinely let out a small chuckle, he knew that was Seungmin's way of saying that they were the ugliest shoes he's ever seen and Jooyeon would only wear them because he didn't have to buy them.

“It's okay Min, you know I'm kidding, just chuck them or put them in the box for the storage unit. I'm not bothered. I'll let you decide, fashion king,” He decided to sit up, knowing he should be helping Seungmin. It was his stuff and his departure, yet here he was, useless. They were mostly clearing out the room so Jooyeon could choose where to be or their manager could crash after a long day of schedules, “Do you want some help? Sorry for being useless.”

“Don't worry about it hyung, I’ve had a good clear out of some of those awful, ugly clothes you have. Plus it’s helping me to process you're really going tomorrow. Hyeongjun smokes out the window and I'm just trying to be helpful.”

“You’re such a good person Seungmin, look after Hyeongjun and Jooyeon well, please,” he groaned, trying to sit up. It was a subconscious decision, he had no reason to sit up really - Hyeongjun was in the shower and Seungmin didn’t want or really need his help. Before he had the chance to lie back down and confirm there were in fact 216 ceiling tiles, his vision was obscured by someone. Not Seungmin or Hyeongjun, but someone else. Gunil needed to reach for his glasses before he would be able to tell.

“Gunil, what’s going on?” He didn’t need his glasses anymore, he’d know that voice, even in its firm tone. Kim Jungsu and Kwak Jiseok had wormed their way into his dorm; that was the consequence for knowing each other's key codes. The beeping of the keypad must have been what made him sit up.

“Why am I finding out from bubble messages, from fans, that you’re doing your enlistment?” Jungsu hissed, Jiseok cowering behind him.

Jiseok hadn’t spoken to him in months, not unless it was work related, short comments and discussions about music and rehearsals, nothing more. It has been a little bit sad, seeing as Jiseok used to be his personal ball of sunshine, so bright and warm, and now he seemed fearful to look at Gunil, like an intruder in his home.

“And then you have the audacity to ignore my texts and calls about it! I didn’t want to march over here but you left me no choice.”

Gunil wanted to blow up, how dare Jungsu be angry at him, like this wasn’t still all Jungsu’s fault. But he couldn’t, not with Hyeongjun in the shower and Seungmin minding his own business.

“Jungsu, it’s not really your business considering everything, I’m leaving for eighteen months, Hyeongjun is in charge, end of discussion. Get out my hair please, I don’t want you here Jungsu,” Gunil just sighed and finally got up from his position on the living room floor trying to herd Jungsu and Jiseok off back in the direction of the door they just came in.

“What do you mean ‘that’s it’?” Jungsu demanded, air quotes included. “We haven’t talked about anything, you just told me we’re through and you’ve barely looked at me and Jiseok since. You can’t just leave like that Gunil, some of us need closure,” Jungsu pushed him back into the living room by trying to enter his personal space. Being shorter than Jungsu used to be cute, but now it felt threatening, like he was being entrapped by a monster.

“You cheated on me, you broke my trust, broke my heart, we’re through here. Simple enough.”

“Then the audacity you have to leave Hyeongjun in charge-” Jungsu continued. He hadn’t even registered what Gunil said, it didn’t matter to him. This was about Jungsu and Jungsu’s feelings and his own sense of entitlement. “You should know I’m the only one suited to this, to make sure we make it through the next eighteen months because you’re doing something selfish that you didn’t even bother to discuss with everyone.”

“It’s not selfish, you’re just being focused on yourself. I discussed it with the people who matter, you’re not one of them anymore. Hyeongjun will look after everyone, Hyeongjun will be mature, and he will keep this group and our vision intact. I don’t know if I can say the same about you Jungsu, “ Gunil explained, trying to be calm but it was challenging him to not just scream in Jungsu’s face, spit included.

He should have known at the first mention of Hyeongjun’s name that Seungmin would come to observe what was going on, he was so fiercely protective of Hyeongjun and their beautiful partnership. He was currently just leaning on the doorframe, out of Jungsu’s sight, waiting for him to finish. The last time Jungsu had dared to say a word against Hyeongjun, they broke out into a fight. Gunil was fearful it would happen again, but he had no control over that.

“I’m the oldest though, I’ve been at this company the longest, and except for how I’ve treated you. What have I done wrong? What does Hyeongjun have that I don’t, god he barely fucking talks, how is he supposed to lead us? At least I’m not scared of the whole world! You didn’t even think of that, did you Gunil? You just wanted to hurt me!”

“Hurt you?! Think about the hurt you have caused, you’re so fucking dense Jungsu. I’m so done with you, I’m going to talk to Jiseok because he’s part of this and you’ve not let him utter a word to me outside of the practice room for months,” Gunil waved Seungmin over, almost to say ‘you can go at him’, he couldn’t talk to Jungsu, not here with everyone watching and listening.

He softened his tone, “Jiseok, I know you don’t want to but please come and speak with me in my room.”

Jiseok followed like a lost dog, head bowed, scraping his feet along the floor, but at least he followed. He hadn’t really planned what to say to Jiseok, but it was yet another thing he couldn’t just leave hanging for eighteen months. Yes, he was thinking of others yet again but he didn’t want to leave Jiseok without his sunny disposition for so long. He couldn’t let Jiseok go without taking some responsibility, but he needed to shine again. Gunil let Jiseok into the room first, hoping he would sit on the chair or the bed instead of awkwardly hovering in a space that should have hosted them both for snacks and late-night chats instead of this.

Gunil shut the door gently, not slamming, not even closing it the whole way. He didn’t want Jiseok to feel trapped like he just had with Jungsu.

“Jiseok, why? I want to let you talk, but I just want to know why?”

“I-I don’t know hyung,” he stuttered, playing with his hoodie strings, he still hadn’t made eye contact with Gunil. He could be speaking to a brick wall, yes, a very cute one, but a brick wall all the same. “Can I still call you hyung?”

“For now, yes you can, I don’t think you’re as much to blame as Jungsu, but let's see how this goes. I don’t want to hate you as much as I’m starting to hate Jungsu right now, but Jiseok do you remember what you said to me the last time we actually spoke?” Gunil asked, he was curious.

“I don’t, I’m sorry hyung. Everything has been such a mess, I don’t know at all,” His tone was honest.

“You said ’I won’t take him away from you, hyung’, but at that point you already had Jiseok, and I knew that. I’d already seen the two of you together, it hurt, I had a panic attack because nobody knew how much it hurt, and then to Seungmin you said you enjoyed hurting me. That was awful to hear, how can you do that to me? I don’t want to make it about me but from you out of everyone, Jiseok, it hurt so much, it twisted me up for weeks. I went to church and I prayed and prayed for God to make it all go away because you had enjoyed hurting me and you took my Jungsu away and you didn’t even have the guts to say sorry, or really acknowledge what you’d done. Please Jiseok just say something,” Gunil had to stop for breath because of how much he just talked. He had more to say but he didn’t want to be a broken record, he didn’t want to scare Jiseok off.

“I didn’t want to hurt you, at all, I admire you so much still, but being with Jungsu is just so fun and so wonderful. I think I love him, you know what that feels like,” Jiseok explained.

“I did know what it felt like until you had the absolute audacity to rip it away. Jiseok, you knew we were together, you of all people knew just how much I love him, how dedicated I was to him, but for who knows how long you were there just ripping him away from me. It was so stupid of you, Jiseok, I want to forgive, I want you to be my little Jiseok-ah again, but I don’t know how that’s supposed to happen when you’ve taken half my life from me. Jungsu and the band, that’s all I had, my family isn’t here, my friends aren’t here, it was just the band and my relationship with Jungsu. You knew that and you still made that choice to hurt me and tear me apart,” Gunil felt like crying, he was pouring everything out. It felt like it was falling on deaf ears, he just wanted Jiseok to say something reassuring, but was there anything he could even say?

“Gunil, I wish I hadn’t. I know that now, but it’s done, you’re leaving. So can me and Jungsu just be happy?” Jiseok begged, finally lifting his head up.

“If you want to be, be my guest, but you’ve lost your ‘hyung’ privileges. Think about what you’ve done, how the rest of the band have to operate with this going on. Fine, whatever, but don’t be surprised when people stop liking you so much,” Gunil was honest, even if it was brutal. Gunil didn’t want Jiseok to be mean, not when he had always been nothing but a sweetheart, he was speaking like Jungsu had told him what to say, but he couldn’t forget Jiseok’s part in this. “Do what you want, I’ll be gone for a while, but Jiseok I don’t want you turning into this, you’re being mean and vindictive. It’s not like you, I can’t forget your part in this, in bringing me down to this level, but my main battle needs to be with Jungsu. Just keep being kind please, don’t let Jungsu bring you down.”

“I’m sorry, that was really mean of me, I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t mean it, please Gunil-h-” Jiseok stopped himself from calling him hyung, but he was also cut off by the sound of something crashing outside the door. Had Hyeongjun fallen in the shower? Was Seungmin throwing things in anger? There wasn’t anything more he could say to Jiseok without going around in circles and feeling stupider than he already did, so he walked out without a word to investigate. When he opened the door, he should have expected what he saw: yet another fight. More intense this time, worryingly intense. Jungsu should have really learned better than to talk badly about Hyeongjun where Seungmin might possibly hear, but it was clearer and clearer to him that Jungsu hadn’t learned a lot.

“Never talk about my boyfriend like that again, Hyeongjun might not say much but his words are worth millions more than yours. He’s not a lying, manipulative, daddy issues bitch,” Seungmin was growling, spitting, venomous. He had Jungsu pressed up against the wall by his forearm on his throat, spit droplets genuinely landing on Jungsu’s face, his arms too immobilised by Seungmin’s force to wipe them. Gunil wasn’t the only person interested in the thrashing, Hyeongjun with conditioner still in his hair had poked his head out the bathroom, trying desperately to protect his modesty with the door. He didn’t say a word, just shook his head and slammed the door. The sound of the water pressure increasing was expected. Hyeongjun would just want to drown them out, let the water run into his ears and dull his senses.

“Your boyfriend isn’t even as good of a guitarist as mine, Jiseok could run circles around Hyeongjun if you and Gunil would only let him,” Gunil was dumbfounded, he didn’t know what shocked him more, the bold faced lie about Jiseok and Hyeongjun, or Jungsu calling Jiseok his boyfriend. It didn’t matter though, at least Hyeongjun wasn’t listening at that moment. He would take it personally, he would let it sink in and eat away at him. What he didn’t notice because he’d been staring slack-jawed at Seungmin turning red was Jooyeon standing at the door, a bag of Gunil’s favourite shrimp crackers in his hand, his eyes welling up with tears. No one had thought about Jooyeon in all of this. It had been orbiting around Gunil, Jungsu, Jiseok - Seungmin and Hyeongjun pulled into it because of their love of Gunil. Jooyeon, though, they’d tried to keep out of it. He didn’t need to be hurt.

Jiseok interjected. “Even I know that’s a bold faced lie. I get he’s angry but Hyeongjun is twice the guitarist I’ll ever be.”

“That’s the first thing you’ve said that makes sense today, Jiseok,” Gunil said, calmly, walking over to Jooyeon to usher him over to the couch, grabbing a tissue for his tear-filled eyes.

“It’s happening again, hyung, everyone is fighting but this time you’re leaving and I just wanted to say goodbye,” Jooyeon sobbed, trying to slot his head into Gunil’s shoulder despite the height difference.

“Oh, sweet boy, me, Seungmin and Hyeongjun are going for a barbecue later, join us, okay?” Gunil smiled, depositing a floppy, teary Jooyeon on the couch and turning his attention back to Seungmin and Jungsu, still spitting poison in each other's faces.

Suddenly Hyeongjun appeared beside him, part fear, part curiosity in his eyes, wrapped in a towel from the waist down, another around his hair, red ribbons of water falling down his shoulders. He really hoped he hadn’t heard Jungsu say that about him, but from that expression, it looked like he had.

“You’re just a liar Kim Jungsu, all you do is lie and lie and lie, you lied to Gunil, you’re lying to me, how long until you lie to Jiseok? I don’t even want to be in this group with you anymore!” Seungmin’s volume had increased again if that was even possible, his forearm completely cutting into Jungsu’s trachea now. Gunil should step in, he wanted to, but this wasn’t his battle anymore, they were arguing about so much more than him at this point.

“Well leave, like Gunil is then! Run away from us and don’t come back. Take your useless boyfriend with you as well,” and that was it. Everything exploded again, giving Gunil a sense of deja vu. Until recently he hadn’t realised Seungmin could be so violent, but he had never made Seungmin angry like this. It seemed to happen in slow motion, Seungmin’s fist connecting with the side of Jungsu’s nose, an audible crack. Then a knee between Jungsu’s legs, right in his balls. A low blow, yes, but a well deserved one, something Gunil wished he had done himself. Seungmin took a step back and watched Jungsu collapse to the floor.

“I’m not a coward like you, enjoy your pain. It won’t dare to match the pain you caused hyung,” Seungmin scoffed, walking over to Hyeongjun, grabbing him in a hug. He whispered something that Gunil couldn’t hear, hopefully something reassuring. Then they were gone, locked behind Hyeongjun’s door.

“I think you should just go Jungsu, I really do. You as well Jiseok,” He was seething, anger bubbling up, he was supposed to leave tomorrow, but it felt like even more of a mess then a few hours ago.

“No, you and I still need to talk, Gunil,” Jungsu squeaked, clearly in pain, he didn’t know if he wanted to clutch his crotch or his nose.

“Fine, meet me at Ediya next to the barbecue place in an hour. Jiseok, go get some ice for him.”

“What about me h-Gunil?” Jiseok asked, putting his arm around Jungsu and trying to guide him out the door.

“I have nothing more to say to you right now Jiseok, I’ll text you if I get a chance, okay? Work on yourself first,” Gunil went and sat back next to Jooyeon, who was still glassy-eyed, having observed it all.

“It’s going to be okay, Jooyeonie, come for barbecue, we’ll talk and laugh then okay?” Gunil ruffled Jooyeon’s hair and smiled at him, it was supposed to be reassuring.

“Okay, but can I stay here until we leave?” Jooyeon’s voice was meek, like when he’d just come off vocal rest.

“Of course you can, I’ll go warn Hyeongjun and Seungmin that they’re not allowed to fuck. I know Hyeongjun, despite being angry and hurt by Jungsu’s choice words, just found Seungmin punching him really hot,” Gunil laughed, getting up to knock on their door.

An hour or so later, Seungmin and Gunil stood in the cold and wet outside the blue door of the Ediya Coffee he’d agreed to meet Jungsu in. Despite living in the same building they had made their way here separately, Seungmin driving them all and Jungsu getting a taxi. Seungmin had already taken the opportunity to change the door code, making Jooyeon promise to not share it with Jungsu and Jiseok, and bless him, he swore on his Eomma’s life he wouldn’t.

Seungmin was fussing over him, brushing his hair, dyed back to black ready to be cut in the morning. It made him feel like his first date with Jungsu all over again, where he had confided in Seungmin and he’d fussed over Gunil all the same. This was much different, this wasn’t a date at all, it was pretty much the opposite of that. Two people that were through with each other, finally putting their issues to rest.

“Seungmin, it's okay, I won't let him talk over me. You're acting like my Appa,” Gunil sighed, Seungmin really was acting like his Appa too - brushing the shoulders of his jacket and smoothing his sleeves.

“I know you won't, but I still think you're being too kind to him. We'll be round the corner at your favourite barbecue place when you're done, I'll make sure Jun doesn't drink all your beer,” Seungmin chuckled and walked away, not even giving Gunil a second chance to justify himself. Hyeongjun was definitely going to drink his beer, but they'd just buy him another. Gunil was sure he was making the right decision, surely it was better for him to leave on an amicable note, maybe even a good one? Opposed to leaving on the back of Seungmin and Jungsu's fight and his wretched conversation with Jiseok, he could leave knowing he tried. That when he comes back to them in eighteen months time, the scars might not run quite as deep anymore, they could be a cohesive unit again, instead of this fractured, twisted mess. It would never be how it was, how could it be when the chemistry of their group had shifted so much? But Gunil had a spark of hope that this conversation would make it just a little bit more okay.

Gunil pushed the door to the coffee shop open. It was easy to spot Jungsu's bright smile and the americano he'd already bought for Gunil. It would be so easy for him to fall back in love with just this one gesture. It wasn't a difficult order to get right, it was quite literally the plainest thing on the menu, but the intimacy of still being known by Jungsu, still being seen and noticed by him, lit a tiny little spark in his heart, one he needed to extinguish before it fanned into an all-consuming flame.

“Thank you for the coffee, Jungsu,” there was no need for pleasantries, they'd only finished their shouting match an hour ago. Even if Seungmin had been more involved than Gunil. “I don't know where to start.”

“Koo Gunil, not knowing where to start, that makes a change,” it was clear the joke Jungsu tried to make didn't land, there was no room for humour in this situation. “Sorry, hyung-”

“Don't call me hyung, not yet, I don't think it's really appropriate.”

Gunil didn't let him finish, was he sorry for what he'd done, or for trying to crack a joke, hopefully the former, but probably the latter. “Just don't try and pretend this is friendly, please.”

“I'm so angry at you, you know,” Gunil continued, not even letting Jungsu have the chance to reply. “I've not been as angry as I could even begin to be. I didn't want to hurt everyone else, but now it’s just us alone and I have so many things to say to you, Kim Jungsu, but I have no idea where to start with all these spiralling thoughts. How dare you break my trust? I put all of my trust into you Jungsu. I loved you,” it felt like venom dripping off his tongue, finally putting that word in past tense, but it was true. He didn't love Jungsu anymore. Well, no more than he loved his other bandmates or their friendly managers.

Gunil still wasn't done. “I gave everything to you, my whole heart, everything that I was, you know things about me I wouldn't have told anyone else. I don't think you can even begin to conceptualise the damage you have done to me in the most awful way. With Jiseok too, not just anyone Jungsu! But Jiseok!” His voice verged on a shout, attracting looks from the other patrons of the coffee shop, mostly the tourists though, Korean people kept to themselves. Gunil took a deep breath, to regulate his volume, to gain back control. He hadn't meant to let Jungsu speak, not yet, but Jungsu took the opportunity anyway.

“It wasn't supposed to be like this,” Jungsu was almost whispering in contrast to Gunil’s loud tone. Those were the words he'd said the first time, when they'd finally ‘officially’ broken up. They meant nothing to Gunil.

“How was it supposed to be then? Tell me your side, I'll try my best to listen fully, but if words come out of my mouth, I am sorry, sincerely.” That last comment was a little bit hypocritical, but if they were putting their cards on the table, then that's how he felt.

“I-I've always had big feelings for Jiseok, I guess. They were always there, with the big feelings I ha-have for you,” Jungsu was stuttering, was it an attempt to get his story straight? Or an actual sign of emotional distress?

Jungsu still had feelings for Gunil, that was news to him. “I should have told you that straight away, when we first started dating, I know I should have now. I was just so overwhelmed by you, though, you captured me, and slowly those feelings about Jiseok faded away, well, just into the background.

“Gunil, god, you're so kind and caring and you have such a beautiful soul. I still believe all of that now. I know that sounds like an attempt to get back in your good books, but it's not. Part of me still loves you just as much. I guess though, I am responsible for the mess I have made and until mine and Seungmin's first confrontation, I didn't realise that. I should have seen you being distant, I should have seen you pulling away and tried to fix it then, in the moment.”

“Jungsu, you're not getting to the point, you're trying to shirk the responsibility again, like you always do. I still don't want it to be your fault, but you need to see that this is,” Gunil interjected, he couldn't stomach this conversation ending with Jungsu still thinking he was the victim. Gunil was the victim, the band was the victim, everyone but Jungsu, who caused this, was the victim, and like with so many things that have gone wrong in their time together, Jungsu was trying to find anyone else to blame. Gunil knew part of it was Jiseok's fault, but Jungsu should have never entered anything more than a friendship with Jiseok, not while still being with Gunil.

Jungsu sighed, loudly, a few drops of his hot coffee escaping the cup from the force of his breath, “You're right. This is my fault, entirely, you're right. God, I should have seen it before. I'm so sorry.”

Gunil felt some relief at finally hearing Jungsu say that. It wasn't calming though, it still enraged him. “Are you really sorry, or are you just sorry you got caught? How long would you have kept it up if I didn't catch you? Do you even know when I caught you, or how long it tortured me for?”

“I don't know, I'm sorry I don't know,” Jungsu was sighing again, his body language caving into himself, he wasn't open and bubbly like he had been when Gunil got here and spotted his coffee. Jungsu looked scared, and what for? Surely the worst had already happened?

“Why are you scared? I am the one that's dealt with this, you've still had Jiseok. I'm the one going for my enlistment months, maybe even years early. It's because of you Jungsu. This wouldn't have happened if not for you and your big, stupid heart,” Still now, Gunil was affording him compliments. “You've always been so close-minded toward yourself. When I loved you, I forgave that and found it sweet. Now, though, it's a hindrance.”

“I'm sorry, Gunil, I'm just so sorry,” Jungsu was looking down, fearful of making eye contact with Gunil.

“Okay, you're sorry. I know that, but I need to know why, regardless of your big heart that can just love and love and love. Why did you do that to me, why did you hurt me like that? Why am I the one taking all the blame? God, do you think I wanted to leave Hyeongjun in charge? He would break apart if Seungmin wasn’t here to hold him up. It should be you, I wanted it to be you. You're their hyung, you have the most experience here in this stupid idol life, but still I don't know if I can trust you.”

“It was a mistake at first, I promise it was just a mistake,” Jungsu directed his speech toward the wooden table, not at Gunil. It was mildly infuriating.

“We were practicing together and he hugged me ‘cause we’d finally cracked the melody, and our heads pushed together and I can’t remember who moved first but we kissed and Gunil, I swear, it felt like the first time I kissed you all over again. I couldn’t help myself, I lost control. I just kept chasing after that feeling with Jiseok, instead of chasing it with you again.”

“Look at me when you say that Jungsu, because it feels like you’re saying I wasn’t enough, and this isn’t the first time you’ve implied that. What have I ever done to give you that idea?”

“You are enough, I promise, you’ve always been enough for me,” Jungsu’s breath was heavy, desperate, he was trying to spin too many plates and too many tales. The truth was still not escaping his lips.

“It can’t be both, I can’t have been enough for you and you still had to chase that feeling with someone else. You’re contradicting yourself. If I was enough, maybe you still would have made a stupid mistake with Jiseok but it wouldn’t have had to continue. I know at this point I wasn’t enough for you, but I just want you to admit it, so I can leave in peace.” This conversation wasn’t going as Gunil had planned, he’d thought they’d be leaving it in an amicable way, but with each passing comment it had started devolving more and more into an argument. It wasn’t only Jungsu’s hardheadness though, Gunil knew his anger was contributing to this too.

“I don’t hate that you’re right, but I hate this feeling of loss-”

“You hate being called out Jungsu, you always have. I know it reminds you of how your dad tells you you’re never good enough when so often you are more than perfect. This time though, you fucked up, completely,” Gunil spouted, he was getting bored of talking in circles with Jungsu, he hadn’t wanted to push Jungsu like this, but it was his only option to get out of this loop.

“Okay, is that what you want to hear?” It was Jungsu’s turn to almost shout, anger replacing his shame and embarrassment at the mention of his father’s torment, “It’s all on me, I kissed Jiseok and I kept kissing him and I loved doing it and I love him. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I would never, but god, you just work and work and work, and you left no time for me and we had to pretend we were nothing more than colleagues and friends and, Jiseok, well he promised me more, he promised me transparency once I’d dealt with you.”

“Deal with me? This is what you wanted all along, for me to leave so you can have your precious Jiseok? Don’t do this to him as well, he’s softer, more pliable than me.” They should probably leave the coffee shop now, their verbal assaults bordering on a public nuisance. Instead, Gunil took a breath and made a hand motion for Jungsu to take one too. Yes, it was heated but they both understood the need to cool off a little. They were nowhere near the company building, but at any point someone who knows them as idols could walk in and see them in the middle of their sparring.

“No, no, no, not like that. Gunil, how do I fix this, tell me how I fix us?” Jungsu begged, if they were in private it felt like Jungsu would be on the floor, bowing in a keun jeol. It would be the only keun jeol Gunil could expect from him now, gone were the imagination of sharing one on their wedding day.

“I can't tell you that, you broke it, so you have to fix it. I don't know what your expectations are, it can never be how it was. I refuse for it to be how it was again. Jungsu, I will never love you that way again, so please take that expectation away before you even concoct a solution.” Gunil took his coffee and drank the rest of it, they needed to take this conversation somewhere else before they did start shouting and crying.

“Jungsu, let's press pause and go to the park over the road. We need to stop talking in circles. No one can see us argue there and it's clear we need to feel a little more emotionally free,” he stood up and turned around to make his point clear, if Jungsu chose to follow, well that was on him.

Gunil stopped as suddenly as he started when he got to the convenience store next door. There had been a bruise from Seungmin starting to appear on Jungsu's cheek and under his eye. It would probably turn black and blue in a matter of hours. Gunil couldn’t help himself, as soon as the thought appeared he was at the freezer grabbing an ice cup and then the checkout asking for a plastic bag so he could ice Jungsu's face. He was still trying to fix things, just after he told Jungsu it wasn't his problem to fix. There wasn't another thought as Gunil tapped his card to pay, just hoping Jungsu would show up so the ice wouldn't go to waste.

He strolled over to the park, no sense of urgency or rush. If Jungsu was going to show he would be there by now, sitting on a bench somewhere. Gunil waited for the traffic lights to turn to red so pedestrians could cross, trying to clear his brain. As much as he wanted to be, he couldn't be angry for this to have the resolution needed. His hand turned cold from his grip on the ice cup, if he didn't spot Jungsu soon it would be melted and useless, much like how he felt.

“Gunil…” He heard a small whimper as he passed the first bench inside the gateline of the park. Jungsu had clearly been crying already. Somehow, it still pained Gunil to see Jungsu so hurt. “It hurts, everything hurts and I'm so sorry.”

“Here,” Gunil said, sitting down next to Jungsu, having decanted the ice into the plastic bag so he could rest it on his cheek, “Seungmin got you hard in the nose, I can't completely say that you don't deserve it but doesn't mean I don't want it to get better.”

The tears started streaming from Jungsu's eyes, his skin turning red and blotchy from the combination of salt and ice, Gunil was sure it must burn but that wasn't the pain causing him to cry. Gunil could only hope that finally Jungsu was starting to understand.

“Why do you still care, why are you looking after me? I got punched because of what I did to you, yet you're taking care of my pain,” Jungsu cried and cried, folding his head to his knees, the sounds of sobs echoing in the empty park around them.

“You might have hurt me, but you don't deserve to hurt, not forever. I can help with this physical pain, but the emotional turmoil, that all needs to be on you. Jungsu, I don't love you anymore, but I still care, you're still my bandmate, I'm not going to stop caring because you were stupid and vindictive. We just have to work through it, that's why I'm leaving, you need to work through it with everyone else before we can start again,” Gunil explained, letting gentleness creep into his voice. “You've not just hurt me, you know. Jiseok is going to crash and fall eventually, he's too gentle for this. Seungmin has made his feelings very clear if you take a look in a mirror. God, Hyeongjunnie, he's being so strong because I've had to leave him in charge, but he's so hurt, he's been chain smoking and getting drunk and putting himself in dangerous situations because of you and what you said about him. You need to fix that. You didn't just hurt me with your actions, you've hurt Hyeongjun with your words and if you're not kind to him I will come back and make your other eye black. Don't try and undermine his leadership just because you're older. Then little Jooyeon, he's just so damn sad. I don't know if you've seen it, but I've seen Jooyeon through some difficult times and never have I seen him this awfully sad. You did that, you and Jiseok toying with the group dynamics. Jungsu, you have 18 months to fix it with everyone else, that's why I have to go. I can't constantly facilitate you guys getting along, you have to learn yourselves.”

“Gunil,” Jungsu's tears wracked through his body now, if Gunil didn't have an undercurrent of anger flowing through his nerves he would probably reach out and hug Jungsu. He definitely needed it, but he wasn't sure if it was his place, so he placed his hands in his lap, wishing he had some tissues to at least pass over.

“Oh god, you're right, why are you always so right,” Jungsu's head raised up and he locked eyes with Gunil, “I need to make it right with everyone and I don't know how to do that and I would normally come to you, but I can't because you're rightfully leaving. I'm so sorry, I fucked it up, I fucked us up and our band up and everyone up just to be selfish. I should have just spoken to you, I should have just told you I wanted more, that I'd kissed Jiseok. It should have just been once, because now I'm losing you and everyone is losing you for a little while. I fucked it bad, my dad is right, I can't do anything right.”

“Hey, don't think like that, you still do so many things right. Yes, you've fucked this one, and it is a pretty big thing, but we're all mature adults, we'll work it out,” Gunil reassured.

“Thanks Gunil, for not being completely just angry at me, for not throwing a fit. This is why I love you, you're always so caring and thoughtful. I know you'll never love me back again, I don't deserve it after everything I've messed up, but thank you so much. You've made me see the error of my ways,” Jungsu wiped his eyes and snotty nose with the sleeve of his hoodie, yes it was a little disgusting but he had no other option. “It's going to be okay, I'll make sure it’s okay. I'll get some therapy, I'll apologise to everyone sincerely.”

Jungsu stood up, no parting words, no goodbye, just holding his ice to his face to call a taxi back to his dorm. It was bittersweet to not even say goodbye, but how was a conversation like this supposed to end. ‘Goodbye’ didn't seem big enough, ‘I love you’ wasn't true anymore and ‘I'll miss you’ was complicated. Instead, Gunil decided to call out.

“Jungsu,” Gunil's voice stuttered, just as Jungsu turned to leave, “Jungsu-yah, when I get back, let's work on being friends again?”

“Oh, hyung,” Returning the honorific that Gunil nearly hadn't used and had avoided for the best part of six months. “I think that would be nice,” Jungsu turned back around and caught Gunil in a hug. There was no lingering romance or passion, but it didn't feel cold and sterile either. It was just a warm, friendly hug from someone who had wronged him, someone there was still just a little bit of hope for, and most importantly someone who he had compassion for again.

Notes:

Sorry this took so long, it was definitely harder to write than I thought. I started it multiple times, where we picked up right where we left off, where Gunil went to see his parents for an interlude. However, this was the way that the story managed to get completed.

In future I do want to write more, maybe some spin offs about Hyeongjun battling being leader despite Jungsu's defiance. Jungji working out their own shit - because they've caused all of this crap, but will they even really last? I have an idea for another fic in a completely different au that I want to write first before I come back to this au.

Shout at me on twt keunillover (I'll let you it, it's only priv for my job), or on strawpage (anon).

Notes:

I've worked on this for 2 weeks and originally thought it would be a 5000 word one-shot. Chapter 2 is planned and plotted, but I needed a break from writing this to immerse myself in something else for a week, so I thought I would cut what became a very long 'one shot' into something you could read now. I'm sorry Gunil is so sad, I wish I could say it was going to get better for him.

So much love you my darling hellofroggy (much-beloved author of undefined and the muhaez "anon" series) for editing and proofreading and letting me talk about this for weeks, sorry there are probably more weeks to come as I publish chapter 2 and then move on to a sequel. ❤️

Shout at me on twt keunillover (I'll let you it, it's only priv for my job), or on strawpage (anon), or just leave a comment :)

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of love, lust, faith and dreams