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Javi stares back at her, he looks happy, his hair is shorter and his face is rounder, the year on the photo says 1995, nearly 3 years from then. He holds a little wood carving in his hand, she’s too far from the photo to be able to tell what it is but he looks proud of it. A couple other photos on the fridge, some of Coach Martinez, a few of Travis, but the ones of Javi stare at her, like they know what she’d done, they knew she’s the reason Javi didn’t get to go home and hug his mom again or complete any more art projects. And it was all Natalie’s fault.
“Here you go dear.” Mrs. Martinez, or Isabel as she prefers Natalie calls her, says as she hands Natalie a cup of tea, the deep liquid sloshes in the cup and Natalie tries to pretend like it doesn’t remind her of Lottie, the house is warm thankfully, like a comfortable warm that doesn’t make her want to crawl out of her own skin.
It’s March now, they’ve been back for a few months and Mrs. Martinez has been nothing but kind to her, she doubts she’d be welcome if Travis was honest, if he’d told her what really happened to Javi, and that it was all Natalie’s fault, she would’ve been kicked out a long time ago. But Travis didn’t like talking to his mom about what happened, said she wouldn’t be able to handle it, not that they were allowed to talk about it, they had all promised eachother to not tell anyone.
“Thank you.” Natalie says a moment too late for it to seem normal but Mrs. Martinez smiles none the less and pats her on the shoulder.
Mrs. Martinez stands there for a moment, her hand resting on Natalie’s shoulder and Natalie looks up to meet her eyes, separating from Javi’s gaze. They have the same eyes, hers are more worn around the center but they’re the same shade of warm brown. “I’m grateful for you Natalie, I’m glad Travis has you to look after him.” She says and her expression becomes a little solemn, “I haven’t thanked you enough for saving him.”
Natalie almost wants to laugh. She didn’t save Travis, she only made him worse really, she’s the reason Javi died, she’s the reason Travis got all depressed and she’s not entirely sure why he’s allowing her around him, in his home, maybe to punish her, maybe to punish himself. If she loved him as much as she thought she did she’d leave him alone and she wouldn’t let his mom think she was some kind of good person.
She wants to say something, to deny that she’s helping Travis but any words she could think of die in her throat when Travis walks in, he looks as tired as he always does, neither of them sleep great, unlike Natalie who falls asleep and wakes up in a sweat with the afterthought of a scream in her throat, Travis can’t fall asleep long enough to form nightmares, he just lies there awake at night and stares at the ceiling until she eventually jolts out of whatever horror movie her brains trapped her in and he rubs her back until she’s back down.
Shes not sure if Mrs. Martinez knows Natalie sleeps in the house, she must hear the screams at night, if she does maybe she’s decided not to care.
“Travis! Would you like some tea?” Mrs. Martinez asks and Travis shakes his head, but she already knew that was his answer, he can’t stomach it, Natalie always tried to ignore what Lottie was doing but whatever it was, it messed Travis up more than anything.
“Natalie, let’s go.” Travis says and waits for her to stand, she gives Mrs. Martinez a smile and places the mug on the table before standing up and walking with Travis out of the house.
Travis starts the piece of shit car his dad never let him drive and they ride a couple miles until the edge of town where all they can see is open flat dead grass and they share a lighter as they blow smoke into the warm spring air.
Travis cut his hair short again, Natalie’s hair is completely brunette now, she cut the blonde off the moment she could get her hands on a pair of scissors, she wasn’t a fan of the brown, she looked too much like her dad and her mom wasn’t helping with all the comparisons, atleast Travis’s mom was smart enough to not have liked Coach Martinez, she never compared Travis to his dad, not that he was much like him.
“Did you get Shauna’s wedding invitation?” Travis asks and Natalie snorts.
“Yeah, to Jeff Sadeki.” Natalie laughs and for the first time in a while Travis joins her. It sounds just as crazy as them being invited to Shauna’s wedding in the first place, she really wanted them at her wedding? It was absurd, but it meant that everyone else was also invited, everyone except Lottie, who was shipped off to Switzerland by her parents.
She belonged there really. She was crazy, she made It up as some fucked up coping mechanism and they all went along with her, maybe they’d put her back on her medication and intense therapy and she’ll go back to the Lottie Natalie used to know. Of course none of them would ever be the old versions of themselves, not after eating and hunting eachother, not after being responsible for so many deaths, not after letting a 12 year old die in place of a 18 year old with no future.
She wonders if Javi would still be into art after they got rescued, maybe it’s how he would cope with everything. Javi could never eat someone, Natalie’s sure he would’ve starved before he ate human meat, but she also would’ve sworn that about herself and yet here she was. But Javi was better than her, he was a kid who whittled a wolf figure for a mother to be in the mitts of a psychotic tragedy. He was a kid who thanked her for the most useless gloves in the world. He was a kid who put his life at risk to save her even though she was picked fair and square.
Javi was just a kid.
“So are we going?” Travis asks, it’s silly how he doesn’t ask if she’s going, but if they’re going, like one can’t go without the other, they haven’t been apart much since they got back so she guesses it makes sense.
Honestly if Natalie never saw Shauna Shipman’s face again it would be too soon… “We’d have to have something nice to wear.” She states and turns to look at Travis.
They’d basically thrown out all clothes that were with them in the wilderness, except Natalie’s leather jacket which she couldn’t bare to part with, but that included Travis’s only nice shirt and pants and Natalie wasn’t exactly on good terms with her mom so she couldn’t just stop by the grab a dress that she doesn’t own and leave.
“Free food and complementary bar.” Travis comments and a small smile creeps onto Natalies face.
“You think I could take a dress from your mom?” She asks, halfway as a joke, but really she didn’t have money to get a dress and her and Mrs. Martinez were around the same size.
Travis snorts but two weeks later they’ve RSVP’d and Mrs. Martinez is handing her a red dress that could almost look like Natalie actually bought it herself.
She doesn’t belong in this room, or in this house, or in the arms of the person she loves, because she murdered the person he loved, and she murdered the son of the woman who’s dress she’s trying on, and Javi’s eyes are all over the place and they follow her because they know what she did and they don’t ignore it like everyone else does.
Of course it’s just her conscious, because Javi can’t really guilt trip her, because his bones are buried in the ground millions of miles away in a part of the earth no living person will ever walk on again. But even with that knowledge, she can’t help but feel ashamed when she sits in the kitchen, or passes the hallway to the bathroom where the outdated family portrait is still hung.
Bills dull face with the rest of his family. Coach Martinez was a dick, his wife was an angel, and his sons were luckily mama boys.
Travis doesn’t like to admit it, but on nights when Natalie is sleeping somewhat peacefully, he’ll sleep in his mom’s room. Natalie doesn’t tell him she knows, because it would indicate that she wakes up when he’s not there and she doesn’t want him to feel guilty about needing to be around his mom, the nights he does it he actually sleeps.
If she wasn’t so selfish she’d find another house to sleep in so he could actually sleep all the time, but unfortunately it seems she keeps putting herself before others.
After Shauna’s wedding, when they’re both too drunk to remember anything in the morning, Travis asks the dumbest question while he twiddles his fathers ring between his fingers, and Natalie told him no, she’s not sure why she did, but he took the rejection and forgot about it in the morning, Natalie doesn’t bring it up, when Travis asks her the vague question of if she remembers him doing anything dumb and she lies and says she was just as drunk as him.
But maybe the real reason she said no was because she knew if they were married eventually the truth about what she did to Javi would come out. Whether in a nightmare or during dinner when they have a son who has the same swoopy hair and artistic ability. She couldn’t risk that.
So she gets a job and packs her bags and moves out of the warm and comforting home Mrs. Martinez harbored, and out of the familiar and longing arms of Travis and every once in a while she’ll come crawling back, but then guilt comes to bite her and she’s offering drugs instead of the yes she should’ve given him that night.