Chapter Text
01:05 Incoming 3 s
Unknown number: Uh… Hi 01:06
Is this a crisis hotline? 01:06
Balladeer: Go to hell. 01:06 
This number has been blocked
This number has been unblocked
Balladeer: Okay, I’m listening. 01:19
Who the hell are you? Where did you get this number? 01:19
Unknown number: Uh… I don’t want to be rude or anything, but frankly, you don’t seem to be so good at this crisis support thing… 01:22
Why are you asking? Is it, like, a quality assessment kind of thing? 01:22
It was on a crisis&suicide support hotline sticker on a public bathroom wall 01:22
Balladeer, replying to: Unknown number
Uh… I don’t want to be rude or anything, but frankly, you don’t seem to be so good at this crisis support thing…
Really, now? Have you considered that maybe it’s because I’m not a fucking crisis hotline operator? 01:23
So bearing that in mind, how about you fuck off and never contact me again, stupid prankster? 01:24
This number has been blocked
This number has been unblocked
Balladeer: Hey. You still alive? 01:55
Unknown number: And what if I wasn’t? 02:01
Jerk. 02:01
This could be dangerous if it were someone who’s actually thinking about hurting themselves, you know 02:02
Which… let’s pretend I’m not 02:02
Balladeer: So you are suicidal on top of being crazy enough to call a random number off a bathroom wall. Great, just great. 02:04
Why did you call it anyway? Why talk to a stranger, don’t you have any friends? 02:04
Add this number to your contacts?
This number has been saved as Ms Bathroom Nutcase
Ms Bathroom Nutcase: Hey! It was a legit looking sticker ad! 02:04
Not my fault it turned out to be fake 02:05
Someone actually went into a lot of effort to make it look realistic. You know, I should redirect your question about friends to you. Those you do have seem like shitty ones to me 02:05
Balladeer: Touché. 02:06
But we’re not talking about me, so you can quit your whataboutery, Miss I-trust-every-poster-I-see. 02:09
Contact name changed to Stranger danger
Whatsapp chat with: AnnoyingOrange
Balladeer: You are so dead. 02:06
Contact name changed to: Orange Asshat
Orange Asshat: lol 02:07
that was fast 02:07
why me? why aren’t you threatening Ros too? 02:07
Balladeer: She wouldn’t stoop so low as to think of something this dumb. Keeping up this level of tomfoolery is your forte. 02:09
Orange Asshat: yet it’s not beneath her o comrade mine because she was the one who stuck your number on a girls toilet wall and methinks she enjoyed it way more than i did :) 02:13
Whatsapp chat with: Stranger danger
Stranger danger: Wait. “Miss”? How did you know I was a woman?? 02:11
Are you a stalker and secretly watching this bathroom? 02:11
Balladeer: Pfft. What a vivid imagination. Ever considered creative writing? 02:13
You called me, remember? Your voice just sounds feminine smh, so I took a wild guess, which you have just confirmed. 02:13
Also, you can actually thank the asshole responsible for the poster. He has just kindly leaked the information about it being a women’s toilet. 02:14
The asshole in question doesn’t sound very sorry for the time being, but I will make sure this changes soon. 02:14
So forgive me for taking the liberty to call you a “Miss”. I just figured you would correct me if I jumped to the wrong conclusion. 02:14
Stranger danger: … 02:17
… 02:17
That sounded really ominous, is it my cue to start worrying about her? 02:17
...Fine. It’s your win, Mr. Sherlock 02:18
Or ms 02:21
Or they them, sry I didn’t meanto misgender you I dnot know who you are 02:21
Balladeer: :facepalm: 02:24
Your spelling is something else too. 02:24
I’m a he/him if that’s what you’re concerned about. Not that it matters anyway. 02:25
So. What you said earlier, “which let’s pretend I’m not”. As in “pretend you’re not suicidal”? Does that mean you actually are? 02:26
Stranger danger: … 02:27
Is this a police interrogation? Do I have the right to remain silent? Why so many questions? 02:27
Balladeer: Come on, you called me first. The least you can do is satisfy my curiosity now. 02:28
Traveler: Don’t you think it would be fair to do it both ways then? We can play “Twenty questions” or something. Only yes/no answers, and we both can pass on some, but we lose our turn to ask if we do. 02:31
Balladeer: Fine. “Twenty questions” it is. But I ask first. 02:33
So you found a legit-looking fake crisis support number on a public bathroom wall and decided to call it at one a.m. Right. Just the most normal thing to do. 02:34
What were you doing in a public bathroom at one in the morning anyway? 02:34
Stranger danger: … 02:37
You don’t want to know 02:39
And actually, this is not a yes/no question, so I’m not obliged to answer it 02:40
Balladeer: When you say it like this, it makes me think I actually do want to know. 02:41
Fine, let’s play by your fucking rules. I’ll just guess it. 02:41
Are you doing something you shouldn’t be doing? 02:42
Stranger danger: No, silly, I’m not doing it now, I did something I shouldn’t have done before it. 02:44
Balladeer: Something you shouldn’t have done? Like what? 02:44
Stranger danger: … 02:45
You don’t seem to know how to play this game, do you? 02:45
Balladeer: Alright, fine, stupid rules. 02:46
By any chance, you weren’t indulging in any substances, were you? Are you under the influence of anything right now? 02:47
Stranger danger: Depends. The weather? Sleep deprivation? The cheap vending machine excuse for a coffee? If I can count those in, then yes 02:48
If you meant something more serious, then no 02:48
I wasn’t doing drugs 02:49
Wait, don’t tell me… is all this fake crisis support poster thing just a ruse to lure people into buying drugs off you?? 02:51
Look, if you are a drug user yourself, or worse, a drug dealer, then I’m sorry, but we probably shouldn’t be talking. Unless you want to seek help 02:52
I… Don’t get along with people who are involved with drugs. 02:52
Balladeer: Are you always this quick to jump to conclusions? Is your world completely black and white, or what? 02:53
No, I don’t do drugs, relax, Princess. 02:53
You made me curious about all this “I don’t get along with people who do drugs” deal, but I’ll let it go for now. 02:54
Stranger danger: ,,,,,don’t call me that. Please 02:55
Seriously, I mean it. 02:55
I have a long history with that nickname, and it makes me really uncomfortable 02:56
Balladeer: Jeez, is anything ever simple with you, stranger? Fine, I won’t, I won’t. 02:57
What should I call you then? 02:57
Stranger danger: Uhh... Just call me Traveler. It’s actually a nickname of someone I know, but, like… I don’t have anything else in mind atm, so let’s go with this, okay? 02:59
Contact name changed to: Traveler
Balladeer: Sure, whatever you wish. So, Traveler. Care to explain what you meant by “doing something you shouldn’t have done” before going into that bathroom at one in the morning? Come on, fuck those stupid rules, I’ll give you two free questions for this one. 03:00
Traveler: Oh, lots of things. Being born for example. Being dumb, and useless, and weak. Making wrong choices… 03:03
Balladeer: Whoa, that’s a lot of self-deprecation for one tiny human. One step at a time, please. What wrong choices led you to a public bathroom at night? Were you there because you regret being born? Should I call 110 now? 03:04
Traveler: ...you’re saying “were” as if it’s a finished thing, haha 03:05
Balladeer: Wtf, are you still in there? It’s past three already, what the hell are you even doing there? Get the fuck out, Celestia be damned, go home already. 03:05
Wait, don’t tell me… Are you homeless on top of it all? 03:06
Traveler: Yay, finally you’re asking yes/no questions again! 03:06
Hate to disappoint you, but the answer is no. I have a home, I just can’t get there right now. 03:07
Balladeer: What do you mean you can’t get there. 03:07
Elaborate. 03:07
Does it have anything to do with those “wrong choices” you made prior to visiting this fucking bathroom? Archons, I’m so sick and tired of your charades you have no idea. 03:08
Traveler: But…you texted me first?? 03:09
Though I did call and text you before that, so I guess it’s fair. Riiiight 03:09
Still, the first one is not a yes/no question, you should try harder 03:10
Balladeer: Argh fuck fine! 03:10
Are you planning to leave this bathroom any time soon? 03:10
Traveler: Depends on what you can call soon. I’m stuck here for another two hours and half 03:11
Balladeer: Until six a.m.? What the fuck. 03:11
Traveler: Yes, until six a.m. 03:11
You sure do like wasting those questions like they’re nothing 03:12
Balladeer: Okay, you know what? Fuck those rules. Back to the so-called wrong choices you allegedly made before getting stuck in the bathroom at one in the morning. What were they? 03:12
Traveler: Hmm 03:13
Staying up late last night, tied up in some charity work I was too dumb to finish quickly enough 03:13
Being too sleep deprived and slow today at my actual work 03:13
Staying at work late as a result, but still rushing to get the half past twelve train, instead of just giving up and sleeping in my chair 03:14
Stopping by to get that shitty vending machine coffee because I was basically sleepwalking by that point and was worried I’d fall asleep on the train and miss my stop 03:14
...missing the whole freaking last train instead, then standing at the platform for half hour crying and drinking that shitty coffee 03:14
What happened next is history. I had nowhere else to go to, so I went to the bathroom, sat down on the windowsill, (did not consider using it as an emergency exit door no no), found that fake crisis support and suicide prevention poster and called what appeared to be your number 03:16
Balladeer: Damn, girl. 03:17
I won’t comment on your life choices, which, admittedly, could use some common sense. What’s done is done, we need to work with what we have now. 03:18
So I mean yes, damn, this sounds like a hell of a day. 03:18
And yet. 03:18
Were you seriously considering stepping out the bathroom window just because of that? Really? 03:18
I don’t mean to be dismissive of your problems, but can’t you just get a taxi, go back home, have a good night’s sleep and forget it like a drunken dream? 03:19
Or find a cheap hostel or something. It’s a train station, for fuck’s sake. There should be plenty around. 03:19
Maybe you just enjoy suffering? 03:19
Do you have to stay in a cold, smelly and obviously uncomfortable place like that for another two hours or so? 03:20
Traveler: A woman catching a taxi near a train station in a shitty part of a town, alone, at half past three on a Friday night? Nuh-uh. Thanks but no thanks. I may or may not be lacking a bit of will to live, but I’m not striving to die a horrible death that much 03:20
Same goes for hotels and such. Walking around the city looking for a place to stay right now will be like an open invitation for scum of all sorts 03:21
And there are shady-looking people roaming around the more comfortable parts of the train station at night, so nope, I’m perfectly fine where I am right now. 03:21
Balladeer: Isn’t there any place at least a bit more appropriate for spending the night than a public bathroom? Anywhere at all? 03:22
Traveler: I mean there’s this fancy coffee shop nearby which works at night and has comfy-looking sofas. But I can’t afford going to places like that, so I guess I’m stuck here till the morning 03:23
It’s fine though, it’s not like there’s long left. I’ve already survived through the most of it…..okay, it’s closer to a half of it, but still 03:24
Balladeer: Like hell it’s fine. 03:24
There’s a coffee shop and you’re staying in the bathroom because you “can’t afford it”? You do realize how stupid it sounds, don’t you? It’s just a coffee shop, not a five star hotel. 03:25
Are you completely out of cash and have no debit or credit card on you? You were going to get a train home, so that’s highly unlikely. 03:25
Just get into the damn coffee shop and deal with it later, you’re a smart girl, it’s not like a cup of coffee can eat away at your monthly allowance that much. 03:25
Traveler: I literally can’t afford it 03:27
If I buy the tiniest cup of espresso, I won’t have enough to buy tomorrow’s dinner 03:27
Which is fine, considering I haven’t had one tonight either… 03:27
Balladeer: HOW THE HELL IS THIS FINE. 03:27
Traveler: ...but that coffee shop has cakes and sweets and all kinds of nice looking stuff all over the display fridges, and if I go there right now, I’ll drool all over their tables. And having just one disgusting espresso that tastes more bitter than puke, while looking at all those sweets, knowing I exchanged that coffee for the perspective of having dinner… That will make me way more miserable than a couple of hours in a public bathroom 03:29
So thanks for your kind advice, but I’m staying 03:29
Balladeer: LIKE HELL YOU ARE. 03:29
How expensive is it. Name it. Name the price, and I’ll cover it. I’m accepting this fucking challenge even if it has been a scam aimed precisely at this all along. 03:30
Traveler: ... 03:30
You can’t. 03:30
I’m not telling you anything. Neither the prices, nor my card number 03:31
I’ve already inconvenienced you enough without being a beggar 03:31
Balladeer: HA. Too late. 03:33
Did you know your banking app supports money transfers via your cell number? Well, now you do. 03:34
Check your balance. 03:34
And don’t forget to get that fucking cake, or better two if they can even fit into your scrawny stomach. 03:35
Ugh, even typing it makes me feel disgusted. I hope your teeth will stick together with all that atrocious sugar, and you will have to spend a minute of silence repenting for those blasphemous words about espresso. 03:35
Traveler: What 03:36
Archons 03:36
Are you insane? 03:36
Balladeer: That doesn’t look like “thank you, I’ll go get that coffee”, now, does it. 03:37
Traveler: Quit the jokes, please. It’s a lot of money. I’ll send it back 03:37
Balladeer: Don’t you DARE. 03:37
Traveler: ... 03:38
I can’t just take it. I’ll pay you back. I promise 03:38
Balladeer: Now, that’s more like it. Better yet promise me not to fucking starve yourself anymore and ask for help when you need it, and I’ll take it as a payment. 03:39
This, and maybe a nice normal thank you will do. I’m not that poor for such a tiny sum of money to put a dent into my bank account. 03:39
Traveler: ... 03:40
Thank you. I mean it. 03:40
Balladeer: Now, go get them, those cakes. And keep updating me as you move there. I don’t like what you said earlier about sketchy people hanging around there. 03:40
Traveler: I’m there. The staff are surprisingly nice, they knew immediately I was in trouble and offered me a blanket, and a warm drink with some cookies on the house 04:01
I insisted on paying for the cocoa and leaving a nice tip, because I can’t just spend your money on myself. Is it okay? I should have asked you before tipping them, sorry… 04:01
Balladeer: What you should have done is stop fussing about it so much. Also, you should have bought yourself some cakes, too. Is the money not enough? I’ll send more. 04:02
Traveler: No! No. Please. Stop sending me money. I’m fine, okay? Archons, what is wrong with you?? 04:02
Balladeer: I think this question is better addressed to you. 04:03
Traveler: ... 04:03
A lot of things, actually 04:04
But since it’s not a yes/no question… 04:04
Balladeer: Will you just shut up and go to sleep already? 04:05
Traveler: I can’t, I bet I’ll oversleep and miss the first train. There’s only, like, two hours left. And it’s kind of embarrassing to sleep at the table like this anyway 04:05
Balladeer: Come on, more embarrassing than the eyebags you’re going to be sporting tomorrow? 04:05
I’ll give you a wake-up call. 04:06
Traveler: And sacrifice your sleep because of me? No way 04:06
Also, excuse you, eyebags are a decoration, not a flaw! 04:06
Balladeer: I’m not sacrificing shit. I’ve got to do something, and it will take a while. 04:06
Traveler: At this time of day?? 04:07
Balladeer: Look who’s wasting those questions now. 04:07
Traveler: Right. Questions. I forgot I still have mine. Do I? After you covered my drink, it would feel bad to try and drag information out of you too 04:08
Balladeer: That makes it two wasted questions, you’re down to 18 now. 04:08
Traveler: ... 04:08
I…uh 04:09
I’m not trying to pry or anything, just… 04:09
Do you have some kind of nickname? Not your real name or anything like that, just something I can call you 04:10
Balladeer: Huh. So much fuss and all just for this? 04:10
You’re making me laugh. 04:10
You can call me Balladeer. I no longer go by that name, but it will suffice for now. 04:11
Traveler: Okay. Bal. Sounds easy enough to remember 04:11
Balladeer: What a distasteful way to shorten it. 04:12
Traveler: You don’t like it? I’ll stop, sorry 04:12
Balladeer: No. It’s fine. It just reminded me of something unpleasant. 04:12
I guess I can always try to push a nasty memory out of my mind by replacing it with something equally annoying. So go on. 04:13
Traveler: :( 04:13
Can I have one more question? 04:15
Balladeer: Yes, and that message above also counts as a question. I’m using your cheats to make you go to sleep faster, smartass. Be thankful. 04:15
Traveler: Will you really give me a wake-up call? Half past five? 04:16
Balladeer: Celestia help me. Of course I will, I offered it, did I not? 04:16
Traveler: Will I talk to you again? 04:17
Balladeer: You sure love wasting time, Ms Insecure. 04:17
You will if you want to, I’m not going anywhere. 04:17
Traveler: Are you sure it’s okay? I’m a bother, aren’t I? 04:19
Balladeer: You’re a damn bother to yourself. Will you please go to sleep already? I promise I’ll be here to wake you up, and I won’t go anywhere after that. I’ll talk to you again. 04:19
Traveler: ... 04:21
Thank you, Bal 04:21
Goodnight 04:21
Balladeer: Fucking finally. Goodnight. 04:21