A Future Without Me.

by SalemLost

Summary:

Basically, Dazai Osamu is really fuckin depressed and wants to kill himself because the world seems so happy when he's not there.

 

...But on afternoon that he was going to kill himself on, he ends up pre-occupied doing...something else, or actually- SOMEONE else.

Notes:

I was sad so I was gonna write him fucking dying, but like...I guess he's not gonna now?

Chapter 1: An Unexpected Development.

Dazai Osamu stirred awake, his eyes opening to be met with the light of the sun peeking in through his blinds. He wearily rubbed his eyes, and licked his dry lips.

His mouth was unbearably dry, and he wore the same clothes from the day before. It’s reasonable, considering he pulled his jacket off and tossed it to the ground. Abandoning the idea of wasting precious time on hanging it up on the coat rack.

He did not bother to undress himself last night, as he can’t remember what time he fell asleep, the only thing he remembers is drowning himself in liquor. His only escape from the terrifying world outside.

He takes note of how his bedding and vest smells undeniably of alcohol, he scans the room to find the culprit. Pushing past the several empty bottles, his eyes land on a spilt bottle of liquor.

However, Dazai Osamu does not bother to pick it up, instead he drags himself into the bathroom. He begins to apply deodorant, until a flash of sickness hits his stomach. Leaning over the toilet, he is certain today will not be fun.

An orangey-yellow liquid, similar to the colour of apple juice- makes its way up his throat. It makes an ugly splatter inside of the toilet bowl, and he can make out a few undigested green beans.

He sits there, on the floor, and a sudden flash of pain shoots straight through his heart. The organ inside of his bosom throbs as his disgust in himself grows. He grips his abdomen as another wave of nausea hits, and he regurgitates more liquor into the toilet bowl.

He has thrown up several times before, considering his heavy drinking. Although, this time is different, as he spots a red liquid swirling around inside of the bowl.

He simply flushed the toilet, and he wept silently to himself. He could swear he heard a girl outside his window, singing.

The words she sang, tainted with an undeniable sorrow, “Where does this little path go? Where does this little path go?” There are many unhappy people in the world, and surely she is one of them.

He clicked open his cellphone, the date scrolled across the screen. It appeared that Dazai was not obligated to head into work today, and so he did not. He pulled his coat on and headed for the stairs of the apartment complex.

From the corner of his eye, he could see Atsushi waving to him while Kyoka sat behind him. Atsushi seemed to expect a wave back, and so he did exactly that.

Raising his arms dramatically in the air, he put on a false and deceiving smile. Atsushi seemed to chuckle to himself, before heading back inside of the apartment with Kyoka. 

He began to wander the streets of Yokohama, finding his way to the pharmacy. When he walked in, a woman leaning on a crutch greeted him. This woman was clearly unhappy, possibly as unhappy as he was.

“What seems to be the problem today, sir?” The woman spoke with a solemn expression.

“It appears I’ve gotten alcohol poisoning, yet I still wish to drink.” His voice rang out inside of the petit shop.

“You mustn't, my husband drank himself to the point of death, despite his pre-existing illness. You could very well die too.” The woman pleaded, a hopeful look in her eyes.

“I feel very on edge, I’m afraid.” Dazai heard his pitiful voice, and shook.

“I will get you some vitamin b supplements, but please, cut out some of the drinking.” The woman smiled softly, one could describe her as charming with such a smile.

Dazai nodded, before walking out of the shop. He immediately made his way to the shop across the street. The young lady working there greeted him, as she knew him quite well.

“Please quit smoking, ah, but I suppose you’ll buy these dastardly things anyways, won’t you?” She sighed, puffing her cheeks and resting her arms over top of the counter.

It is quite possible that he would’ve turned away if she hadn’t added that last bit in there, but as Dazai has a strong need to do what’s expected of him, he bought the package of smokes.

He did not take pride in what he does, but as he was born into a cruel world, his only escape is liquor, smokes and women. To leave such a world is something he dreams of.  

He began to walk back to his apartment, exhaustion settling into his bones once more. As he walked up the staircase, he noticed a blonde figure standing outside his door. 

“Kunikida? What do you need?” Dazai called out, finally reaching the last step. 

“I came to see how you were, but it seems you're already up. The agency is holding a get-together, if you wish to attend, you're invited.” Kunikida looked down at his watch briefly. 

“I think I'll pass, thank you for the invitation Kunikida.” Dazai spoke calmly. 

“Whatever, hey and make sure you clean up those empty liquor bottles, glass is dangerous.” Kunikida pointed at the bottles which were displayed on the floor in front of the window. 

“Aww, Kunikida cares about me!” Dazai teased, putting on a silly expression. 

“Tch, of course I do, waste of bandages.” Kunikida sighed, patting a hand on Dazai's head. 

Dazai turned to watch the man leave, as he was quite shocked by this new development in his colleague’s behaviour. 

As Dazai unlocked the door to his apartment, he thought about how Kunikida had been acting suspiciously mushy. 

Shutting the door behind him, he kicked his shoes off. “Whatever could Kunikida be up to~?” He thought to himself. 

Dazai quickly became bored, laying down on his bedding, he picked up a random book. 

The story of Romeo and Juliet is what he found. Flipping through the pages, he found his boredom replaced with curiosity. 

“Dying so that one could be with another? Finally being free together in death?” His voice rang across the empty room, he was unsure of why he was talking to no one. 

Dying for someone you love, what a silly idea. Such love was something Dazai couldn't ever hope to understand, the only intimate relations he had were with prostitutes. He couldn't hope to fall in love, as it was a foreign concept to him. 

Dazai would never understand the pathetic feelings of mankind, the idea that one becomes so unbelievably infatuated with one person, to the point of losing their shame. The idea of letting yourself become vulnerable in front of another human. 

These concepts were so foreign to Dazai, that it made him feel empty. Perhaps he had no love in his heart? Perhaps it was a result of his lack of humanity. 

“No Longer Human”  

Dazai knew well that he was far from human, he was a selfish and greedy monster devoid of kindness. 

“Human concepts terrify me to no end.” 

Dazai glared at the clock, seeing as he's only woken up an hour ago, a bitter taste came to his mouth. 

“It's already four o’ clock, and yet I just woke up. How useless.” Dazai mumbled. 

He decided he would check out the ‘get-together’ Kunikida mentioned. Standing up, he dusted off his pants and prepared to head outside. 

He continued walking, an uneventful walk, and once the agency came into view, he halted. He sauntered up the few steps at the front of the building, and clicked open the door. 

Lucy greeted him, and he waved back. Dazai quite liked Lucy, seeing as she didn't expect much. She said a simple greeting, and didn't press for further conversation. 

He steadily climbed the stairs to the agency floor, a few secretaries said their good afternoons and he did the same. Human interaction, so unbelievably dry. 

Once he reached the door to the office room, he swung it up, dramatically announcing his arrival.

Atsushi was quick to move, as he ran up to Dazai. Squeezing him in a tight hug. 

“Dazai-san!” Atsushi called out. 

“Now, now Atsushi! If you're not careful, you could squeeze me to death!” Dazai called back enthusiastically. 

“Oh, sorry!” Atsushi apologised, he looked like he was about to say more, but was interrupted by Kyoka. 

“Atsushi, why does Akutagawa call you babygirl?” Kyoka asked, keeping a steady, monotone voice.

“How about we talk about something else for now?” Atsushi walked with Kyoka over to Yosano. 

They began chatting about something unimportant to Dazai. He tuned it out, in favour of focusing on a certain blondie. 

Dazai took a seat in the corner of the room, he listened in on Kunikida’s conversation. But soon found it had nothing of value to offer. 

“I suppose I'll have to find an answer for his strange behaviour another day.” Dazai felt slightly disappointed.

He let the sound of laughter and joy waft into his eardrums. A truly quaint, yet joyous atmosphere. 

An atmosphere, that would be better off without his existence. An atmosphere, full of people, who would be better off without his existence.

The entire agency, they could all live happy lives if it weren't for Dazai ruining it all. Dazai found happiness in imagining a future for them, that did not include himself. A future without him, is the best future one could ask for. 

He began to imagine dreamlike houses, small cottages, cutesy apartments. Homes that would inhibit all his friends. Their laughter rang out through the dreamscapes. 

A small white house, sitting on top of a large lavender field. A porch, decorated with a small table and a few chairs. On this table were picnic foods, and on the chairs, Akutagawa and Atsushi. In the lavender field, sat Kyoka, a sleepy cat resting in her lap. The sun shone brightly down on the little family. 

In such a dream, Atsushi could find happiness, Akutagawa could find peace, and Kyoka could find forgiveness.

Alas, this would never happen. For as long as Dazai remained breathing, this earth would be tainted by sorrow. Or perhaps, it would not make a difference whether he lived or died. Hundreds of people live and die everyday, such is the circle of life. 

Ranpo, Poe, Yosano, they would get along nicely. Perhaps even Fukuzawa would tag along. Fukuzawa, his daughter, his son, and his son's strange, rich, emo boyfriend.

Dazai chuckled at the idea of calling THE Edgar Allen Poe, Ranpo's strange, emo boyfriend. 

The happiness of his colleagues brought him both joy, and sorrow. The idea that the whole earth- perhaps earth is an overstatement, his whole world would be better off without him, brought him a great deal of unhappiness. 

Dazai, Dazai, Dazai, Dazai. Dazai, a man of which is hated by several enemies, yet loved by several friends. Friends, of which he will never understand their love for him. 

Friends, of which he is glad to have seen one last time. Their joy will be the last thing he sees of them, before they are finally free of him. 

Osamu, Osamu, Osamu. Osamu, a man who wants nothing more than to end it all. A man who is too focused on his own suffering, to the point that he does not see those who suffer right in front of him. A man who is terrified of connection, and so he runs. A man who never wishes to be known, and so his fear of vulnerability causes him to do irrational things. 

Shuji Tsukishima, a pitiful man who sees women as objects. A pitiful man whose own grievances took control of him, and left him to hurt many. A pitiful man, with a pitiful life, in which his only escape is poisoning himself. 

A man who so frequently visited the Ginza line. The things he did, will haunt him forever. Many people are miserable in this world, yet Dazai thinks himself to be the most miserable. 

Despite himself having shelter, when many do not even own a bed. Food, when many children go hungry. Friends, when many children do not have anyone. 

Dazai Osamu. A name he used to hide his past. Dazai Osamu, a name who will never know what Shuji has done. The prostitutes Shuji spent the night with, the poisons he puts into his body, the women he left behind, the people he troubled. 

The little girl he left in that apartment with her mother, losing a father figure again. Horiki, of which he drank himself into a stupor with. Flatfish, of which he forced into housing him. 

Shuji Tsukishima still lives to this day, he is wearing the disguise of an agency member. He will never be able to change himself or the past. 

There is only one thing that had kept him alive, which was a promise he had made. A promise to Odasaku, save some orphans. 

A promise of which he made good on, with the addition of Atsushi, and to an extent, Lucy and Kyoka. It was indirectly Dazai who saved the two girls, as Atsushi was the one to save Lucy and Kyoka, and Dazai was the one to save Atsushi. 

His promise, finally fulfilled. Now, he may finally rest. 

Last night, he bought a large quantity of sleeping powder. Consuming too much could be fatal to a human. Since his body is that of a human’s, surely, he will finally set this world free of him?

‘Dazai’ took one last look at the room around him. He mentally waved his friends goodbye. Goodbye Atsushi, Yosano, Ranpo, Fukuzawa, Kenji, Kyoka, Tanizaki, Naomi, even Kirako. 

Dazai stopped. “Did I count that right? Atsushi one, Yosano two, Ranpo three, Fukuzawa four, Kenji five, Kyoka six, Tanizaki seven...The two clerks...Who am I missing?” 

Dazai's eyes flickered around the room wildly, before he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

“Hey, Dazai!” Kunikida said gruffly. 

“Heyyyyyy Kunikidaaa~” Dazai drew out, a nefarious undertone to his voice. 

At least I got to bother Kunikida one last time.

“Where are you going? You just got here.” Kunikida questioned. 

“Was feeling bored, so I thought I'd go buy a horse!” Dazai made up some bullshit lie, so ridiculous no one would believe him.

“A horse!? You know you can't own one in the Agency apartments!” Kunikida looked shocked. 

Except of course, Kunikida.

“I was just kidding, it's kinda boring here, so I was just gonna go home.” Dazai shrugged, still maintaining a silly expression. 

“Let me come with you, surely you still haven't cleaned up your house. It's most likely still a mess?” Kunikida pressed further. 

Now, this was strange. Although Kunikida was right, he often checked in on Dazai and ended up just pointing out how messy his apartment was. 

But this behaviour was definitely different, Kunikida has never actively sought after Dazai like this.  

Of course, Kunikida seemed to expect Dazai to say yes, and so he did.

“Sure, why not? I have nothing better to do!” Dazai lazily put his arms behind his head, and began walking.

“Hey! Wait up Dazai!” Kunikida pushed open the door, which had almost slammed into his face.

Kunikida finally caught up to Dazai, who was surprisingly a fast walker.

“You know it’s not nice to walk away from a conversation? Also, why are you walking so quickly? You seem like the type to be a slow walker.” Kunikida rambled loudly.

Although Dazai kept a pleasant smile on his face, the majority of Kunikida’s yammering wafted in and out of his ears.

“Perhaps I walked faster this time, just to mess with you?” Dazai said smugly.

“Of course you would do that.” Kunikida sighed loudly.

The two walked side by side, although Kunikida walked slightly ahead. Dazai thinks about the fact that Kunikida probably knows the directions better than he does, considering the fact that Kunikida visits at least twice a day. While Dazai rarely leaves, unless it’s mandatory.

“Kunikida frequently visits you, correct? You two seemed to have formed a close partnership.”

Earlier when dreaming of his colleagues' futures, Dazai had completely forgotten Kunikida.

“Hey Kunikida, indulge me a little.” Dazai suddenly came to a halt.

“With what?” Kunikida became interested.

“Earlier today, I was thinking about what everybody’s futures would look like. The thing is, I completely forgot about you.” Dazai made a dramatic motion with his hands.

“Wow, typical of you. What are you getting at?” Kunikida placed a hand on his hip.

“Just what kind of future would you have? Would you live in a big house with your ideal woman and ideal kids?” Dazai chuckled, grinning widely.

Dazai had expected a biting remark, maybe some yelling. What he received was nothing of that sort. Kunikida’s eyes softened, and were filled with what seemed like uncertainty.

“Perhaps, my plans have changed. The future is the future, it will decide what happens in my life. I do not have control over the events which unfold.” Kunikida solemnly admits.

“Perhaps change is good, Kunikida. I've lived my whole life never knowing what would come tomorrow.” Dazau begins walking again. 

Kunikida does not respond, instead he walks beside Dazai, lost in his thoughts. 

“I'm glad you two can work together so well, at this point I can't mention you without the other popping up.” 

Dazai watched Kunikida very closely, the sun shone down brightly, casting streaks of orange and yellow through the blond's hair. 

“What a strange and peculiar man, his behaviour is quite perplexing.” Dazai began to smile. 

“Dazai, we're here.” Kunikida was staring at him expectantly. He was part way up the stairs, looking rather confused. 

Dazai quickly joined him, and the two reached the top of the staircase. He unlocked the door and held it open, a childish grin which showed all his teeth spread across his face. 

“After you, Kunikidaaa.” Dazai grinned wider.

“Thank you, sorry for the intrusion.” Kunikida carefully pulled off his shoes and placed them to the side of the front door. 

Before Dazai had entered, Kunikida was already in the kitchen. He could hear the noises of dishes clanking. 

“Kunikida? Is there anything you need?” Dazai called out, rolling onto his side. 

“No, thank you for the offer.” Kunikida politely declined, before going back to rubbing a sponge over a spoon. 

“Wow, giving me the princess treatment huh?” Dazai attempted to crack a joke. 

“I suppose that is what people call it.” Kunikida simply agreed. 

Dazai narrowed his eyes, Kunikida was strangely out of character, and it was seriously starting to concern him. 

“Kunikida, do you have a fever? Are you about to die?” Dazai asked bluntly. 

“Huh!? Wha- no! Whatever gave you that idea?” Kunikida sputtered.

“Because you're acting weird. You're uncharacteristically calm and nice. You must be dying, and that's why you're going easy on me.” Dazai dramatically rolled onto his back, feigning death. 

“No, I can assure you I'm perfectly healthy.” Kunikida finished drying a plate, and put it back into the cupboard. 

“Strange...” Dazai grumbled to himself. 

“Dazai, you really need to buy yourself more dishes.” Kunikida pointed out, placing the last dish on the drying rack. 

“I don't need more dishes, I don't have anyone else that lives with me.” Dazai shrugged, opening a random magazine. 

Kunikida sighed, sitting down on the floor next to Dazai. They sat in silence for a good bit, before Dazai broke it. 

“One moment, I have to change.” Dazai looked down, realising he was still in his alcohol stained clothing. 

As Dazai sat up, he thought how stupid he was. “How could you forget to change, you remembered when you woke up, yet you still chose to go out looking like that.” 

Dazai grabbed a white collared shirt, some shorts, and walked into the washroom. He silently undressed and slicked on his new clothing. He left all the bandages on. 

Once he emerged, he sat down crossed-legged on the mattress. Kunikida sat right beside him. 

“Sorry for the wait.” Dazai apologised, bouncing his leg. 

“It's alright.” Kunikida laid back, his head touching the mattress. A lough sigh escaped his lips. 

Dazai laid down too, rolling on his side to face him. 

“What's wrong Kunikida? You've been down all day! Are you sure you're not catching a fever?” Dazai pressed further. 

“It's nothing, I'm fine.” Kunikida stared at the ceiling. 

When Kunikida gave such a vague answer, Dazai pushed further. Bringing his face closer, he began to pout. 

Kunikida turned his head, looking Dazai in the eyes.

“Puppy eyes won't work on me, Dazai.” Kunikida said flatly. 

“Dangit, it's worth a try.” Dazai giggled. 

Kunikida began to smile softly, which confused Dazai greatly. Kunikida was clearly hiding something, and Dazai suddenly felt an irresistible urge to do something about it. 

Dazai sat up, Kunikida following suit.

“What's the matter, Dazai?” Kunikida asked, worry painfully obvious. 

Dazai brought his face very close to Kunikida, and narrowed his eyes at him. Kunikida’s cheeks had a light dusting of pink to them. 

Kunikida attempted to back away, but Dazai placed a hand firmly on his thigh. 

“What's the matter, is that you're hiding something from me.” Dazai inched closer by the second. 

Dazai's hand removed itself from Kunikida’s thigh, and took a place on the floor behind the blond haired man. Dazai closed all the distance between them, until their chests were touching. 

“You seem feverish.” Dazai pointed out. 

Kunikida did not have words, his face was flushed and he began sweating. 

Dazai began to shift his position, when his knee hit something hard. He thought it might have been Kunikida’s belt, until he looked down. 

At that moment, Dazai recalled one of his acquaintances in highschool. His ‘friend’ predicted that many women would fall for him, a curse that unfortunately came true. 

One thing that his friend did not mention, was the idea of a man falling for him. Of course, Dazai had been in several intimate relations with men, just as he had with women. 

This however, was an interesting development. 

He could not hide his shock, and his eyes widened. 

Kunikida’s pitiful voice came in a quiet whisper, “I'm sorry, Dazai.” 

“Don't be sorry, I was just surprised.” Dazai said calmly. 

“How so?” Kunikida questioned.

“I just...didn't expect you of all people to have errr attraction to men, or anyone at all really.” Dazai admitted. 

“This is what's wrong, I thought I would marry a woman and have a happy family. Now, I'm not sure what I want anymore.” Kunikida placed his head in his lap. 

“Do you understand how I feel?” Kunikida sighed exaggeratedly. 

“Not exactly, seeing as I've had just as many intimate relations with men as I have with women.” Dazai said nonchalantly. 

“You mean...you've had sex with several different people, including men?” Kunikida’s face flushed once more. 

“Yep. You haven't?” Dazai smirked. 

“No, I was saving myself for marriage...Marriage that might not happen now...” Kunikida lamented. 

“So basically you're just a loser virgin who got his first erection. To a man as well.” Dazai teased. 

“Stop making fun of me, Dazai.” Kunikida said bitterly. 

“Do you want any assistance, or no?” Dazai asked, as if he wasn't casually suggesting he'd sleep with his colleague. 

“What!? But wouldn't that make our friendship weird?” Kunikida fidgeted with his fingers. 

“Not at all, just try not to fall for me!” Dazai joked, sticking his tongue out.

“That's just it though, it's already too late.” Kunikida whined pathetically. 

“One night with me will make you sure you don't want a relationship with me.” Dazai boasted, as if that was something to have pride in.

“If you say so, but if we're going to do this, I want to do it right.” Kunikida took both of Dazai's hands in his own. 

“You mean, not just me giving you a blowjob or something like that?” Dazai became confused. 

“Yes, not just that. We both should benefit from this, you should feel good too.” Kunikida nodded his head. 

“Sure pal, but I don't think that's the best idea. You do know I have a penis right? You just discovered your attraction to men. Knowing most guys first time with another guy, they usually feel grossed out.” Dazai explained. 

“Doesn't matter, I won't back down.” Kunikida said, suddenly determined. 

“Alright, if we're gonna do this properly, then go get a condom from my coat, grab the bottle of lube too.” Dazai pointed to the wall, which his coat hung from. 

Kunikida barely needed to walk, because of his height he could easily reach the hanger. He pulled out a packaged condom, and a small bottle of lube just as was asked of him.

“Should I take the bandages off?” Kunikida placed his hand over top of the bandaged thigh, which he lifted up. 

“No, leave them on.” Dazai's tone became dark. Kunikida simply nodded, and moved on. 

Kunikida began pulling down Dazai's shorts, which was a surprise to the brunet man. 

“You're taking mine off first?” Dazai asked, an expression of genuine surprise. 

“I'm under the assumption that I should prepare you first, no?” Kunikida continued to pull off the garments. 

“I'm surprised you know that.” Dazai chuckled. 

“Dazai, the majority of the Agency is sexually active and attracted to the same gender.” Kunikida said in a monotone voice. 

“Fair enough I suppose.” Dazai shrugged. 

Kunikida slowly pulled down the brunet's boxers, revealing a thin and pale pelvic region. 

“You're quite thin, Dazai, have you been eating enough?” Kunikida dragged a finger across Dazai's boney hips. 

Dazai shuddered, as his hips and stomach were sensitive. “Are you going to fuck me, or are you going to complain about my health?” 

“Both.” Kunikida placed a thumb overtop of Dazai's entrance. 

Kunikida clicked open the bottle of lube, and squirted a generous amount on his fingers. He began to slowly push a finger in. 

Dazai gripped his blanket, and took a deep breath. His legs squirmed slightly.

Kunikida pressed a second finger in, barely being able to fit it in. He could not believe that he was really doing this, right now. 

He began to make scissoring motions with his fingers, to loosen up Dazai's hole.

Dazai's breaths became heavier, as he hadn't slept with anyone in quite some time now. He gradually got used to the feeling of his asshole being stretched, he had to admit that Kunikida was pretty good at this. 

Just when he had thought he was used to this, and that his body was relaxed, Kunikida pushed his fingers all the way in, up to his knuckles. 

Dazai felt his whole body shudder with pleasure, as Kunikida poked at his sensitive walls. 

“Your prostate should be around here.” Kunikida mumbled, before pushing in further, and hitting spot on. 

“Fuck! Ngh...” Dazai squeezed his eyes shut as he felt his legs tremble, and he gripped the blanket as tight as possible. 

Kunikida was wearing a devious grin when he opened his eyes. Pulled his fingers out, in favour of unzipping his pants. 

Once Kunikida had finally freed his cock from its fabric prison, Dazai closed his legs. 

“Kunikida! You are... bigger ...than I expected.” Dazai felt a bit worried, unsure of whether it would fit or not. 

“Don't force yourself to speak, you'll lose your voice between all the screaming and  crying.” Kunikida rubbed lube over his cock, closing the small bottle with a click!

Dazai could feel his heart skip a beat at that, even though it was meant to be helpful, it seemed more like he was being teased.

Kunikida lined his cock up with Dazai's entrance, gently pushing in. 

As his asshole was slowly penetrated, Dazai couldn't help but shake a little. This was the biggest he's ever taken. 

“Ah, ngh...Kuni...” Dazai choked on the noises that escaped his throat. Dazai felt his face heat up from embarrassment, as he was usually quiet. 

Between the beautiful noises coming from Dazai's mouth, and the lewd, wet, slapping noises coming from Dazai's ass, Kunikida couldn't help but feel more turned on. 

Dazai tried to form coherent words, but everytime he did, unintelligible moans would come out. It certainly isn't pleasant to admit it, but because of Kunikida’s size, every sensitive wall was being hit. His entire ass was being stimulated, “Fuck, I might cum from this alone.” 

How embarrassing, a virgin might make him cum untouched. 

While Kunikida continued to thrust, he took Dazai's neglected cock into his hand. He began to pump up and down with his hand, which in turn got him more beautiful noises. 

“Ngh...fuckkk, kuni- ah! Too much, I'm gonna...” Dazai attempted to get words out, but it was unsuccessful. 

He had never gotten this amount of stimulation before. He wasn't used to people wanting to ‘do him right’ like Kunikida did. 

He felt his hips buck, and his legs shake. An unbearable heat and tightness formed in his stomach. He knew his release was soon. “How the fuck am I already about to cum, I thought I usually lasted pretty long.”

“Dazai...I'm close.” Kunikida breathed out, his voice husky. 

“Ah!” Dazai's eyes rolled back, and he could feel the warmth from the tip of his cock spill onto his stomach, and over Kunikida’s hand. 

In the midst of his high, he felt a knot in his stomach, and then the inside of his ass felt hot, and wetter than usual. It took a moment for him to realise that Kunikida had spilled inside of him. 

“You...forgot to put...hah...a condom on, didn't you?” Dazai spoke through breaths, his body sore and still squirming. 

“Yes, I'm sorry.” Kunikida admitted. 

“It's alright.” Dazai laid there, his voice was quiet. His ass felt like it was ripped open, and he was covered in sweat, cum and lube. 

Kunikida massaged Dazai's pubic region, pressing down on the belly bulge. He felt his cock spasm from the touch. Dazai shuddered as Kunikida continued to massage his stomach.

“Kunikida...what are you doing...” Dazai breathed out, confused.

Kunikida sat back to appreciate his colleague’s appearance. Dazai was laying with his legs open, and his fists full of blanket. His eyes were half-lidded, and sweat drenched his whole body. 

Kunikida slowly pulled his cock out, and Dazai whined at the loss of contact. 

“I'll clean up, sorry, I just need a moment.” Dazai breathed out, his previously cocky demeanor nowhere to be found. 

“No, I'm cleaning up. I'm the one who just messed up your insides.” Kunikida picked up his colleague, and began to walk inside the bathroom. 

“Kunikida, what are you doing?” Dazai sighed, still genuinely confused and a bit tired of his friend's antics. 

“I'm getting a bath ready for us, I need to clean you up.” Kunikida threw Dazai over one shoulder, freeing up his hand so he could play with the temperature dial. 

“I don't need to...don't take the bandages off, I’ll switch to dry ones later.” Dazai grumbled, still slightly out of it. 

Soon, hot water began to fill the tub. Kunikida stepped in, taking a seat at the very back of the tub. Dazai sat in between Kunikida’s legs, with his back to the blond man. 

Dazai felt strange sitting there. He could feel his cheeks heating up, as blushed crept up his face. He didn't know how to respond, all he knew was that he felt good right now. 

The feeling of Kunikida’s hands rubbing soap into his back felt great, and his back wasn't as sore anymore. Dazai began to feel embarrassed, as he wasn't used to this kind of treatment. 

He hung his head low, burying it in his knees. The reality of all of it finally sunk in, and he couldn't be more ashamed. 

“I just slept with my best friend, who is also my colleague that has a partnership with me, meaning I'm gonna have to work with him a lot more after this. I just came embarrassingly quickly, and he's being so nice to me right now. I don't know how much more I can take. Kunikida is a great guy, and logically I know it's selfish of me to keep him to myself like this...” 

“...but he's being so gentle, I've never felt anything like this before. Why is my heart beating so quickly? This is selfish...but what if I want to be selfish, just a little longer?” 

“I just want to be selfish a little longer, please...” Dazai whispered tiredly.

“Dazai, are you okay? What do you mean by that?” Kunikida ran his fingers through the brunet's chocolate curls. 

“Nothing...sorry I was thinking out loud.” Dazai mumbled. 

“You're not selfish, Dazai...I don't know what you were thinking about, or what kind of experiences you've had before this, but you're not being selfish.” Kunikida planted a kiss onto Dazai's exposed neck. 

“Usually, the deed is done, then I clean myself up and the other person is already out the door before I have my pants back on. I'm not used to aftercare.” Dazai explains, twirling a strand of his hair around his finger. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't know that. You deserve to be taken care of, especially after how sore you must be. I don't know what kind of assholes you're sleeping with, but they're idiots.” Kunikida continued to massage Dazai's back. 

“Customers and other prostitutes.” Dazai rolled his eyes, attempting to keep his thoughts inside his head.

“Dazai...I'm so sorry.” Kunikida’s voice was suddenly tainted with horror. 

“...What for?” Dazai felt his heart speed up, worry contorting his face. 

“The water made your bandages come loose, and I saw...” Kunikida wrapped his arms around Dazai's torso, resting his head in the crook of Dazai's neck. 

“I see. I'm sorry you had to look at something so horrible.” Dazai said flatly, his heart throbbed as if he were about to cry. 

“What happened to you...who did this to you? Did...did you do it to yourself?” Kunikida’s grip tightened.

“I don't...let's talk about something else.” Dazai felt his body shake, and he began to feel sick. 

Dazai felt crestfallen, now that someone had seen his disgusting body underneath the bandages, he's sure Kunikida would be afraid. His heart no longer fluttered as it did before, and he felt tears come to his eyes. “I'm an idiot, why did I think someone could love me when I look like this.” 

A small peck on his back made him jump. “Kunikida, are you...kissing my back?” 

“I'm kissing every scar, so they will feel better.” Kunikida continued to press dedicated kisses into the disgusting nashes which covered the brunet's back.

“Why? Why would you kiss something so...” Dazai trailed off, choosing to keep his mouth closed.

“Something so? So what? I don't know what happened to you...Or why your back is covered in scars...but I can see that whatever happened must've hurt. I don't personally understand why you cover them with bandages, but...it's clearly something that makes them a little more bearable.” The gentle words fell from Kunikida’s mouth. 

“Can I assume that they're all over your body? Underneath all the rest of the bandages?” Kunikida asked in a soft voice. 

“Yes...these hideous things cover my entire body. They ruined me.” Dazai whispered bitterly. 

“They're not hideous, and you aren't ruined either. Those scars are proof that you survived something, they're proof that you're still alive after all of it. It makes you strong, to have endured all that.” Kunikida lifted Dazai chin, bringing them to eye level.

Dazai's face had tear tracks, red covering his eyes. “Stop being so nice...” 

“No. You deserve all the kindness in the world.” Kunikida pressed Dazai's head into his chest. 

Dazai curled further into the crook of Kunikida’s neck. Wrapping his legs and arms around Kunikida’s torso. 

“Don't say such nice things, I'll start falling for you...Then you'll have to break my heart.” Dazai continued to sob. 

“I will never break your heart.” Kunikida places a kiss into Dazai's messy chocolate curls. 

“...Promise?” Dazai said so quietly, it could barely be heard.

“I promise, Osamu.” Kunikida said softly, brushing his hands through Dazai's hair. 

---------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile back at the Armed Detective Agency. 

“Ranpo, what's wrong? You've been staring at that picture of Dazai and Kunikida all day.” Yosano sounded genuinely concerned. 

“My homo senses are tingling, where are they.” Ranpo muttered. 

“They went to Dazai's house. Wait- your what..?” Yosano sat down. 

“They fucking, ohh they fucking.” Ranpo concluded. 

“What are you..? Oh wait, sorry Ranpo, gotta check this message.” Yosano opens her messages. 

The phone clicks open, revealing a text from Kunikida. 

“My apologies Yosano, but neither Dazai or I will be able to make it into work tomorrow, we've both fallen ill.”

“...”

“Ohhh, they fucking for sure-” 

“For sure, for sure.”

Chapter 2: An Unusual Display Of Feelings.

Notes:

(Beginning note: I'm currently in the middle of writing the scene with the nurse and kunikida, roughly 5330 words in. I cannot blend Japanese and English well. The use of english words and japanese honorifics is very hard, my apologies if they sound weird. I couldn't say something like "Nurse-san" so I'm using "Kangoshi-san" which is how you refer to a nurse. Oisha-san is a doctor, but I decided to specify the doctor's name, Kawakami-san is how you'd refer to her. Although the nurse is older than Atsushi, he will say "Nakajima-san" because it is polite as a nurse. Atsushi refers to Ranpo and Fukuzawa with “senpai” because they are the oldest in their workplace.)

Dazai rolled over, the navy bedsheet tangling further around him. He felt himself begin to drift off once more, until he became horribly aware of the pain in his lower back.

"Fuck..." Dazai groaned, burying his head further into his limp and barely stuffing-filled pillow.

He wasn't sure what time it was, or why he was awake, all he knows is that it's early and he's in pain. His plans of laying in bed and not getting up until afternoon were swiftly ruined, as the clanking of metal pans made him sit up abruptly, throwing the blankets off of himself.

"What the fuck!" Dazai shouted, his voice ringing across the fairly empty living room-bedroom cross breed.

When he turned to see what was happening in his kitchen, beyond the little fake marble-top island counter, his eyes flickered with a mix of fear and warmth.

Staring back at him, concern painted on his face, was Kunikida. His usually neat blond hair now messy and sprawled across his shoulders and back. Dazai could feel his cheeks heat up, for whatever reason.

“Kunikida..?” Dazai began walking over to the island counter.

“Goodmorning, Dazai.” Kunikida absentmindedly twirled a strand of blond hair around his finger

“What are you doing?” Dazai looked down at the several different fresh ingredients spread across the counter tops. Salmon, rice, tofu, egg and washed vegetables.

“I’m making breakfast, please sit down.” Kunikida set the chopsticks he carried in his hands down on the counter, quickly turning his whole body to face Dazai.

He hooked his left arm around Dazai’s waist, bringing his right up to Dazai’s pale cheek. He rubbed a thumb gently across the brunet’s face, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.

Dazai felt himself grow hot, embarrassment swirling in his heart, along with dear and warmth. He quickly turned, to hide the rose bushes of blush which had blossomed across his pale face. He sat down at a chair which had been pulled up to the island counter.

“Yeah...sure...thank you Kunikida.” Dazai fiddled with his thumbs, unsure of how to behave.

Dazai sat there, the minutes ticking by. Eventually, he heard the clinking of bowls and chopsticks, Kunikida bringing them over to the island counter.

He carefully set them down, and joined Dazai on the seat next to him.

“Thank you...You seriously didn’t need to do this.” Dazai marveled at the food, his stomach grumbling.

“It’s not a problem, make sure to eat lots, it’s good for you.” Kunikida pushed a bowl which had been piled well over the rim, stacked with rice upon rice, upon salmon upon egg.

“Kunikida, this is way too much...thank you though.” Dazai pushed the bowl away from himself.

“Nonsense, you have to make up for how little you’ve been eating. Liquor can’t be your only source of calories.” Kunikida placed the bowl back in front of Dazai, now with an extra bowl added.

This bowl was wooden, and when it was shoved, it shook the contents inside, swirling the hot soup and splashing a little droplet on the counter.

“I can’t finish this, though.” Dazai’s eyes furrowed upwards, while he picked at his arm.

“Whatever you don’t finish, I can always package for later.” Kunikida brought his chopsticks full of rice to his mouth.

“I see...Thank you.” Dazai began to slowly pick away at the rice, stirring the raw egg into the fluffy white grains.

The two ate in silence, the sunrise peeking through the open window, casting a golden glow over the room, speckles of sunlight gathered over the various shiny surfaces that sat in the kitchen.

Dazai noticed the splatters of sunlight which had been broken apart by the shadow of the various leaves dotted across the tree branches, that rested over his food. Through the ray of sunlight, you could see the steam from the freshly boiled rice.

He reached his hand out, placing it in front of the sun which peered through the window. A light warmth tickled the delicate skin on his palm. The light of day brought him a comfort that he could not express properly.

“Kunikida, thank you for breakfast.” Dazai stood up, half-finished bowl in hand.

“You’re welcome.” Kunikida squinted down at the half-full bowl, and frowned.

Dazai began arranging tupperware to put it in. Kunikida watched him wrap the food up, and sighed loudly. Recently, Kunikida had noticed how skinny Dazai really was. His ribs poking out through the pale skin stretched across his chest. It worried him more than Dazai usually did.

While he was deep in thought, Dazai had sat down beside him. Dazai parted his soft pink lips, and a gentle voice came out.

“Kunikida.”

Kunikida snapped his head over, turning to face the brunet. “Yes, Dazai?”

“I, uhm. I just wanted to say, I’m sorry.” He looked down, the sun beating down on his chocolate curls.

“What would you be sorry for?” Kunikida questioned, anxiousness slipping into his voice.

“I’m sorry for yesterday. It was immature for me to break down like that, I’m an adult, I should have control over my emotions.” Dazai gripped his wrist tightly, in a sort of self-soothing method.

“Don’t say something like that. Everybody needs a break sometimes, sometimes people have too many feelings to have any control.” Kunikida placed his hand overtop of Dazai’s.

“There you go again.” Dazai’s eyebrows furrowed, an unreadable expression overtook his delicate features.

“What do you mean? Dazai, are you okay? You can tell me anything, you know.” Kunikida was as gentle as ever, the calm words spilling from his mouth.

“With that.” Dazai slapped Kunikida’s hand off of his.

“I don’t understand...What’s wrong?” Kunikida rubbed his own hand, an uneasiness settling inside his stomach.

“Just stop it Doppo! I can’t do this! With your stupid kindness and stupid patience.” Dazai exclaimed, tears welling up in his eyes, threatening to fall.

Kunikida sat there, unsure of what to say. He hadn’t dealt with someone like this before, he hadn’t ever been in this kind of situation. Dazai had never called him by his last name. Not even in the beginning, not even when they were strangers.

“Dazai...What the fuck are you on about?” Kunikida let the words fall from his mouth.

“Stop being so fucking nice to me! Just leave me alone!” Dazai screamed, standing up and turning his back to Kunikida.

Kunikida clenched his fists, balling them up. “Fine.”

He stood up, grabbing his things and heading towards the door. Just as he reached for the handle, he halted and turned his head to look over at Dazai from over his shoulder.

“I’ll leave you the fuck alone, Dazai.” Kunikida said, the bitterness and malice slipping into his voice.

And then that was it.

Kunikida walked away.

The door slammed.

Now, Dazai was alone again.

Just like he always was. Just like how he wanted...

Right?

 

Except it didn’t feel right this time. He’s pushed people away his whole life, so why now? Why does it hurt the most now? When he should be used to this?

“Why do I want him back?”

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

12 Nihonōdōri, Naka Ward, Yokohama, Japan.

 

“Kunikida, are you sure you’re alright?” a voice called out to Kunikida, but it fell on deaf ears.

“KUNIKIDA!” It called once more, yelling this time.

“Eh? Sorry, can you repeat that?” Kunikida looked up, to be met with Yosano.

“Geez, you’ve been spacing out all day. Why’d you even come to work, you called in sick! You can’t just suddenly decide you’re well enough to go to work.” Yosano sighed, rubbing her temples.

“Sorry Yosano, it won’t happen again.” Kunikida apologised, feeling genuinely guilty.

“Listen, you never get off task, but right now you can’t stop spacing out. You might want to go home, I’m not entirely convinced that you’re well enough to be working.” Yosano fretted over her colleague.

“I’m not sick, I’m just thinking about something...Sorry about getting in the way.” Kunikida sighed, placing his chin on his hands.

“Does it have something to do with Dazai?” Yosano suddenly began smirking.

Kunikida jumped, wide eyes staring back at Yosano. Which only seemed to prove her right.

“Aha! I was right! Atsushi get over here!” Yosano exclaimed, holding her hand out.

Atsushi dragged himself over, suddenly in a gloomy mood. He opened a pouch of bills, pulling out two-thousand yen and placing it in her hand.

“There you gooo...” Astushi sighed, before walking back to his desk.

“Wait. Were you guys betting on me!?” Kunikida shouted, blinking his eyes in disbelief.

The entire room seemed to awkwardly look away or scratch their heads.

“So ALL of you were in on this? You guys are really testing my patience.” Kunikida sat back down, and breathed in a large breath. He shook his head, before a soft smile came to his face.

-
-

Eventually the Agency got back into their regular work flow, the day flew by, and now it was the afternoon. Kunikida glanced at the corner of his screen, four thirty pm.

He shut his laptop and sighed, pushing it to the corner of his desk, he brought a bottle of water to his lips. The orange light of the approaching evening shone through the large windows, the sun beating down on his dirty blonde hair.

Kunikida looked around at the room of people cleaning up, Yosano hauling a box around and Atsushi holding a stack of papers while Kyoka followed behind. Ranpo sat in the back, which was unusual considering how he always went home as soon as possible. That is, unless he had a hunch.

Ranpo began to walk over, halting in front of Kunikida’s desk. "I assume you know what I'm here for?" He crossed his arms.

This level of seriousness from Ranpo-san was never a good sign. Kunikida hung his head low and sighed. He answered reluctantly.

"There's something you found, I presume?"

"Yes, walk with me."

-
-
-

Currently, Kunikida’s stomach was tied in knots. He was extremely concerned about what Ranpo was about to show him. The two walked down the stairs and reached the bottom floor.

"Should we sit down?" Kunikida pointed to a booth in the cafe.

"No. We're going straight there." Ranpo brushed him off.

"...What did you find? Is this not something that requires careful discussion? How urgent is this? Shouldn't we let Fukuzawa-san know?" Kunikida felt his grip on his notebook grow tighter.

"Doppo-kun, we're visiting Dazai-kun. It's very urgent." Ranpo continued to walk.

Kunikida jogged to catch up with the ravenet. "I'm assuming you've probably found out about Dazai and I, but- I don't need you to intervene."

“Doppo-kun, no-” Ranpo began.

“I don’t need any help with this, I can assure you I have it under control!” Kunikida continued, ignoring Ranpo’s protests.

“KUNIKIDA! Shut the fuck up and listen to me, this isn’t about you.” His eyebrows furrowed, eyes opening wide.

"That's not it at all, Doppo-kun. Dazai-kun is in danger." Ranpo wrapped his hands around his arms, subconsciously comforting himself.

"...what?" Was all that left Kunikida’s mouth.

"I have a hunch that something terrible is going to happen if we don't check in on him. More than a hunch I suppose, an educated guess." Ranpo explained.

"Just because you have a gut feeling? I know you're usually right and I shouldn't judge your intuition...but this is only a guess." Kunikida pressed further.

"Doppo-kun. It's more than a guess! I've analysed everything! The points add up too well! Fuck sakes!" Ranpo yelled, his eyes widening.

"What adds up!?" Kunikida yelled back in frustration.

"Dazai will kill himself today, and succeed." a deduction.

".

.

.

Ranpo, where is your evidence?" Kunikida crossed his arms, it's natural to be sceptical of such a bold claim, right?

"You and I both know that I'm right. I can tell you're not so certain of yourself right now. This is urgent, I can't waste so much time explaining something so obvious to you." Ranpo began to become inpatient, the irritation slipping into his tone.

"I'm not going with you until you tell me." Kunikida halted, refusing to budge.

"You're incredibly selfish, Kunikida. But fine. I don't need your fucking help." Ranpo turned around to get one last good look at Kunikida, he felt a sour taste on his tongue.

As he watched Ranpo begin to disappear from view, he felt an overwhelming sense of disgust swirl in his stomach. Looking down at his hands, a pair of calloused palms, and fingernails bitten and picked with worry, stared back at him. The worry that he had pushed down and hidden suddenly flared up, his ribs felt uneasy and his throat burned with words he wished to say.

He had never needed to prove that he was a good person before, he never had to give excuses to people, he was never questioned. He never knew what it felt like to be called selfish before. He had never wanted to prove he wasn't so bad before.

His feet began to move without his permission, and before he knew it he was sprinting after Ranpo.

-
-

When the agency's apartment complex came into view, Ranpo was nowhere to be seen. Kunikida hurriedly mounted the thin metal staircase. Upon reaching the top, Dazai's apartment was waiting for him. He reached for the door, which hung open, swaying briefly in the breeze.

He carefully walked in, making little noise. The room was dark, and the only source of light was the setting sun behind him. He watched his shadow grow taller as he stepped in. He lifted his head.

He saw the trail of blood before he saw Ranpo. He felt his whole body shiver, and his attention moved to Ranpo. He was hunched over on the ground, cradling something in his arms.

Kunikida heard staggered and heavy breaths, which occasionally hitched. Wait.

Wait, was Ranpo crying..?

"...Ranpo?" Kunikida called out, his voice barely above a whisper.

Ranpo quickly turned to look at him, but his face was clear, no tears. That's when Kunikida saw it. Now with Ranpo's head out of the way, he could clearly see what Ranpo was holding.

A bloodied, mangled mess of a barely breathing human. Dazai lay there, trembling. A mix of tears and blood coats his face.

"Oh god. Oh fuck." Kunikida whispers, kneeling down beside Ranpo.

"Is he..." Kunikida intertwines his hand with Dazai's, which is sickly and pale.

"Call an ambulance, Kunikida." Ranpo speaks, his voice is stern.

"...okay." Kunikida barely registers his voice, or the hand he uses to pull out his phone.

He flips it open, dialing one-one-nine. The phone buzzes, the call connects. A woman speaks. He's not sure what that woman is asking. He knows what to say, he's called the ambulance and fire services so many times. He just needs to answer her questions. He opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes out. I can't answer her questions.

"...Please, I need an ambulance...Please send someone quickly." My voice breaks and hitches.

I squeeze Dazai's hand three times, just to make sure he has something to ground him. His dark and empty eyes bore into my head. I feel tears well up, and they threaten to fall. I hear the sounds of sirens wailing in the background, I don't care. They begin to lift Dazai's body onto a stretcher, I don't stop holding his hand. We're brought into the ambulance, I can't stop crying. Ranpo speaks with one of the young men who is hooking wires that I don't recognise up to Dazai.

I have a limited amount of medical knowledge, I don't know what the purpose of these wires are. The young man is asking Dazai questions, he's barely able to speak but tries his best. I can't understand what he's saying. I can't hear. Everything is static.

I don't remember what happens next.

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

Osamu woke up in pain.

When he sat up in the hospital bed, wait, hospital? He clenched the patient's uniform at his stomach, and slapped a hand over his mouth. He felt bile rise in his throat, fuck I feel nausesous.

Just then a nurse walked into the room, he pulled a stool up to the bed and sat down. He smiled warmly at Osamu.

"Dazai-san? Can you hear me?" He asked calmly.

Osamu shook his head, still holding back the vomit.

"If you need to throw up, you can use the emesis bowl." He handed Osamu a pink, kidney shaped bucket.

Osamu immediately grabbed the bucket, hunching over it. Osamu could barely make out the noise over his own projectile vomit splashing, but he noticed the nurse scribble something down.

He lifted his head up to breathe, right before his stomach began spasming again. Although this time, nothing came out. There was nothing left in his stomach to throw up.

"Dry heaving too?" The nurse looked up from his clipboard.

"I feel like shit." Osamu's voice was hoarse as he tried to speak.

"Can you describe some of your symptoms, Dazai-san?" The nurse questioned, looking back down at his clipboard.

"I feel light headed, my throat is sore, my head feels like it's on fire, I feel nauseous and ugh, I don't even know. Everything hurts." Osamu holds his head in his hand, he notices how wet his face and hands are.

"Euk! And I can't stop sweating!" Osamu exclaims, wiping his hands on his patient's gown.

"I see, thank you for your time. The doctor will see you soon." The nurse smiles, before reaching for the door.

-
-

Before long, Osamu can hear chatter in the halls, and the sound of footsteps approaching. The doorknob turns and a woman walks in. Is this the doctor? The nurse from earlier follows behind her.

"Good Morning Dazai-san!" She greets Osamu cheerfully.

"Goodmorning, are you a doctor?" Osamu points to the woman's name card.

"Yep! Can you open your mouth for me? Need to check your temperature!" She brings a thermometer to his mouth.

After a few seconds, her face turns sour. "Just as I thought."

"Is there an issue, doctor...uh..uhm-" Osamu squints at the namecard once more, attempting to decipher it.

"Kawakami, doctor Kawakami. Dazai-san, you have a fever." She writes something down in her notebook.

"Thirty-nine degrees, but it's expected to rise over the course of a few days, as the drug passes through your system." She explains.

"Wait, how high?" Osamu asks, his eyes widening.

"Oh? Do you not use celsius? It's one hundred and two in fahrenheit." She looks at him with a puzzled expression.

"No, I mean how high will the fever get?" Osamu feels the worry pool in his stomach.

"Since you overdosed on ibuprofen, a fever isn't unexpected, especially a high one. I say roughly forty celsius, or a hundred-four farenheit. Don't worry though, the fever is fighting the infection in your body, it will run its course and you'll be better in no time." She elaborates, looking down at her notes.

"I see, thank you Kawakami-san." Osamu thanks her, fiddling with his thumbs.

A wave of silence falls over the room, before Dr. Kawakami looks back up at him.

"Have you experienced any diarrhea or heartburn?"

"No."

Dr. Kawakami writes it down in her notebook.

-
-

“All right! We’re all good! Dazai-san, your patient-care plan is polished and good to go! It’ll start tomorrow. Since your fever is expected to rise tomorrow, you’ll be in bed for most of the day. It’ll probably take about three days for your fever to go down, after that you’re welcome to have visitors!” Dr. Kawakami hands him a piece of paper with freshly photocopied ink on it.

“Thank you Kawakami-san.” Osamu looks down at the paper.

“A physician should see you later today.” And with that, Dr. Kawakami leaves.

Leaving him alone, or almost alone. The male nurse still lingers in the room, sitting on a chair reading a book, occasionally glazing in Osamu’s direction.

“Sorry to bother, but may I ask why Kawakami-san left, but not you too? I thought you would’ve followed her.” Osamu fakes a small chuckle, tilting his head in a calculated manner.

“I’m the nurse that is supervising you and checking up on you, Kawakami-san does the official documentation and diagnosing. I have to get her approval before I make decisions.” The nurse explains, his monotone voice echoes through the room.

“I understand that, but don’t you have other patients as well?” Osamu asks, genuinely confused now.

“You’re under my supervision currently because you have high priority. Considering your injuries are mostly internal, your condition could change at any moment. Not only that, but you’ve been placed under suicide watch for the majority of your stay.” He flips through the pages of his book.

“I see. Thank you for your time.” Osamu says quietly, in a forcefully calm tone.

Osamu, to put it short, has no fucking clue what’s going on. Or at least, he only has fragments of it. Quite frankly, he’s reasonably scared. One moment he’s at death’s doorstep, the next, he’s in some hospital bed. So what the fuck happened. Why can’t I remember?

Fear is a weakness, Osamu. Keep it together, and try to remember.

He readjusts himself on his bed, attempting to get comfortable. Taking a deep breath, he turns his head to look out the window. It’s morning, and the sun is beating down as usual. He looks down at his hands.

Think. Morning. What happened yesterday morning? Try to remember as much as you can. I woke up, and the sun was peering in through the blinds, annoyingly. I sat up. I heard...metal clanking..?

Oh fuck.

Osamu’s eyes widen. He, unfortunately, remembers what’s happened in the past two days. The events which unfolded replay through his mind like a broken record. His pathetic words.

In an attempt to stop feeling as vulnerable as he did, he pushed Kunikida away. Kunikida never wanted to hurt him, and he didn’t do anything wrong either. This was all Osamu’s fault.

I’m so fucking pathetic. I’m afraid of my own feelings, disgusted by them even. I couldn’t handle being vulnerable in front of someone, so I lashed out. I threw a tantrum like a fucking child. I’m a grown man, and I can’t even deal with my own emotions in a responsible and mature way. What the actual hell is wrong with me.

Relationships are a regular part of a human’s life, yet I can’t seem to maintain them.

Not romantic, not platonic, not familial. Nothing. Everytime someone gets close to me, I feel the urge to flee. It’s as if I enjoy the concept of loving, but only the concept. I love in theory, but never in practice.

I frequently fantasise about relationships, and being in one. But alas, they are dreams and only dreams. I could never really be in one, because I would ruin it. I only hurt people, I could never actually love someone. I’ve hurt so many people, really that’s all I am. I’m an abuser.

I hurt people, and I leave. I don’t belong in the Armed Detective Agency, with all the wonderful people, who would never harm a soul unless forced to. They are all amazing individuals, with their own strengths and weaknesses. I’m nothing like them. They are so lively, and human. They are the good side of humanity, and the bad side too. Just as people should be.

A balance of good and bad, that’s what makes humans so beautiful. Humans are perfectly imperfect, their emotions are both their flaw and their most attractive feature. Intense emotions make for entertainment, and the world would be quite boring without them. The duality of man, truly incredible. For example, the cruelness of a human’s nature is made up for by their kindness.

 

Kindness, or “Humanity” is what keeps a person from going insane, it’s exactly what makes them unable to commit monstrous acts. Unable to cause harm, unable to be selfish without eventually feeling guilty. Occasionally, humans are born without humanity.

So, what’s a human without any humanity? Their main function? A failure. A monster. A freak.
I would confidently say that there’s quite a few monsters in the world. Myself included.

...

I’m starting to really regret surviving.

Where did I go wrong? What should I have changed, so that I would’ve died?

-
-
-

Dazai Osamu’s apartment, May 25th, 200X, at 3:05PM.

Osamu rolled around on his mattress, hugging a pillow tightly. It had been a few hours since he argued with Kunikida, currently he was bed-rotting.

He was stuck at an impasse, trying to decide what the next course of action would be. Two events plagued his memories and they had his attention split in two.

He was overcome with guilt and sadness when he thought of his argument with Kunikida.

And it brought him great shame to think about the ‘activity’ him and Kunikida participated in last night. His face was dusted with pink, and he could feel a heat pool in his stomach.

I’m gross. Why am I thinking about that? Especially after I treated him this morning. It’s rude.

Despite this, Osamu did not have even a morsel of control over his brain. His head kept replaying last night. It made him feel unbearably warm, which only made him more revolted by himself.

I’m so fucking attention starved that it’s all I think about. I’ve never been touched like how he touched me. So gentle, yet rough at the same time. He was kind, he took care of me. He made sure I was okay. He held me. He said he loved me. He’s thrown away his ideals for me. For me. For my pathetic and disgusting self. A repulsive creature such as I is not worthy of such devotion. In the end, I hurt him.

That’s all I do.

That’s all I’m good for.

I bring pain everywhere I go. I want it to stop. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much.

He stands up, pillow in hand, and drags his weak, cumbersome body over to the washroom. Creaking the door open, he walks in and takes a seat in the bathtub. He places the pillow behind him, and lays back. It’s pathetic, and desperate. But he just needs some sort of comfort.

He wants to mimic the feeling of comfort he felt when he laid in this bath with Kunikida. Except Kunikida is gone, and all he has to replicate the press of Kunikida’s body is this stupid fucking pillow. For a moment, he’s back in the arms of Kunikida. Before the guilt quickly eats this dream away, devouring it whole.

The emptiness of his body is a painful reminder that he’s completely alone. Kunikida is gone. He really is all alone. He’ll be alone forever. The realisation sets in, and tears form in his eyes. Eventually, his throat begins to burn from holding back tears and he chokes on his own sobs.

Poor, poor Osamu. A pathetic and miserable man, hugging a pillow in a bathtub. Clinging to any love he had left, tears refusing to let up. His face red, and snot running down his nose.

If only there was a way for him to be free of this suffering, without seeking out Kunikida and hurting him more. Without bothering his colleagues.

If only I could disappear for a little while, sleep for a bit.

His eyes flickered to the open medicine cabinet.

Maybe there is.

He pushed the cabinet doors open further, the hinges making a loud creak. He shuffled through the bottles of medicine. Trying to figure out what to take.

My head hurts from crying so much.

His gaze shifted to the bottle of Advil sitting on the bottom shelf. Unscrewing the lid, he dumped a few onto his hand. He didn’t really count how many before tossing them into his mouth. Seven? Maybe eight?

He didn’t care. He swallowed them all dry. His throat burned. He noticed the glint of metal in the corner of the cabinet, and decided to inspect it. It was a knife.

Gripping it by the blade, he didn’t pay any mind to the skin being grazed by its serrated edge.

He still felt so fucking guilty about everything. It all hurts. He needed to discipline himself, he needed some sort of punishment. He needed relief.

He held up his arm, and gripped the knife tightly.

*

I put the blade up against my skin. The blade is dull, so I have to put a lot of effort and strength into the slashes. I see the droplets of blood begin to prickle at the edges of each gash. The skin surrounding the wounds is pink and burns. The pain blooms across my whole arm, and I feel my chest tense up. Then I breathe out a sigh, I feel refreshed, like I’m breathing new air.

My head is no longer muddled with such intense emotions, I feel them spill out of me alongside the blood seeping down from my forearm. I already feel calmer, but I need more. I slash for what feels like several hours of bliss, when it had really only been thirty minutes or so. Before I know it, my whole body is a bloody mess. Gashes cover all the skin on my limbs.

I snicker to myself, thinking of how I must look like a cutting board or a slice of cherry pie. My stomach greedily grumbles. I don't think I deserve food. I settle for the cherry filling that covers my pie crust skin. I lap it up with my tongue. It tastes metallic, like copper.

I get bored of eating cherry pie very quickly. I go back to tracing lines on my skin. I trace the knife on my neck. More blood came out than I expected.

I walk over to my living room. I lay down on the floor, It’s comfortable there. It gets hard to think, and to see. My vision starts diming.

I think the blood loss is getting to me. I silently think, in my last moment of consciousness, what would everyone think if they saw me now?

Briefly, I remember being held. I curled into that warmth and protection.

The last thing I hear is sirens wailing.

*

Osamu stifles a yawn. “God, it's boring here.” He can’t help but think.

He looks up at the television in the corner of the room, it buffers briefly but eventually turns on. The news sprawls across the screen, before it’s replaced by some random drama show.

Nothing better to do I guess.

-
-

"...Kunikida." Atsushi's voice says softly.

"Yes? Atsushi-kun?" Kunikida responds, tapping his foot.

"Is Dazai-san going to...die?" Atsushi speaks quietly, barely above a whisper. As if the words were taboo, like saying the words would curse Dazai. Saying it would make it more real.

When Kunikida looked down at Atsushi, puffy red eyes met glossy ones. Kunikida's expression softened, he acted calm, but the redness gave away how much he'd been crying.

Atsushi however, hadn't cried a single tear, at least not yet. His eyes were watery, he was clearly trying extremely hard to keep the tears in.

"I...I'm not sure, kid. But we both know Dazai, he's strong. He'll pull through, he'll pull through. We just have to believe in him." Kunikida placed a hand on Atsushi's head.

Atsushi fell forward into Kunikida's chest. He wrapped his arms around him, and finally let go of the tears. Kunikida felt his eyes water again as he brushed a hand through Atsushi's white locks.

"I'll believe as much as I can." Atsushi's voice hitched, barely being able to speak through the tears.

Just then, Kunikida watched as a nurse made his way across the room, stopping in front of them.

"Doppo-san, Nakajima-san?" The man tapped his pen on his clipboard.

"Yes?" Kunikida looked up hopefully.

"Dazai-san's condition is stable. He's awake, and was able to converse with a doctor. He'll be visited by a physician later today. You can expect visitation rights on the twenty-eighth."

"Thank you, kangoshi-san." Kunikida hugs the crying boy in his arms tighter.

"You hear that Atsushi-kun? He's gonna be okay." He adds, rubbing comforting circles into Atsushi's back.

"Mhm..." Atsushi mumbles, but doesn't look up just yet.

It's understandable, it's been a rough day. Kunikida decides that he'll leave the boy alone, and let him rest for a little longer. He was originally planning to get back to the agency and finish a report that was laying half-finished on his desk, but work could wait.

-
-

The two sat there for a little while. After a bit, Atsushi got up but when Kunikida asked where he was going, he just said he was going home. He had decided to take the day off work, Kunikida didn't blame him.

Kunikida dragged himself out of the hospital, and began heading home. He passed by the agency building, and was standing face to face with the intersection that he and Dazai would split when they walked home together. The left led him to his home, the right led to Dazai's.

I shouldn't be doing this. A voice in his head told him.

Yet his feet continued to move, denying all ideals and logic.

I'm supposed to be logical, what is happening to me?

He reached Dazai's door.

He pushed it open, the door hinge creaked. It was unlocked. He took his shoes off, the door closed behind him. He flicked on the light switch.

Faintly, he smelled the presence of bleach. Bleach was most likely the only thing strong enough to get the blood stains to come out of the wood floor.

The apartment was just as empty as it always was. Whether Dazai was there or not, it was always so, so empty. Dazai's presence made no difference, because it was always as faint as a ghost, probably why he was so good at sneaking up on people.

As Kunikida walked, he reached a closet down the hall. Opening it, a few belongings fell out of it. One of those being a locked book, with a set of keys attached to it.

A set of many keys, probably more than thirty. Kunikida could only assume that this book was important, which is why it was so heavily guarded. It would take anyone who wasn't Dazai, at least an hour trying to find which key unlocked it. Dazai would probably be back by then too.

Except he was stuck in the hospital. Giving Kunikida plenty of time.

A part of him warned him that this would be a breach of boundaries and privacy, and that this was wrong. Another part of him was worried sick, and desperately needed to know what was going on inside that man's head.

His curiosity ended up being stronger than his moral compass and sense of justice.

With shaking hands, I grab a random key and try to fit it into the keyhole. It doesn't work. I look at the several keys, which vary in size and shape. I look back at the keyhole, I inspect it closely. The shape of the lock narrows down which key it could be to a few silver ones.

None of them work. It doesn't make sense. Could Dazai have taken it with him? Did he put these keys here as a distraction? How the hell am I supposed to find it? Did I get the shape wrong, should I inspect it again?

I pull out my phone and its small screen lights up. I shine the light inside of the locket. A small metal glint shines within it. I try to pry it out with a random toothpick I found on the ground.

A small key falls out. A secret compartment inside of the lock itself holds the key. I knew that Dazai was mysterious, but my stomach begins to twist nervously at the thought of what is hiding in this book. It has to be important if he went through this much trouble to hide it.

I place the key inside the lock, it twists open. I hear a clicking noise. The yellowed pages unveil themselves before me.

Mismatched red, blue and black inked writing covers the page. I don’t know how to feel when looking at the diary. The pages contain secrets I was not ready for. I feel bile rise in my stomach, and my heart begins to throb. I've come to understand Dazai a little more, but how the fuck am I supposed to feel?

How am I supposed to help him? How can I make sure he knows how much I love him?

Kunikida sat there, tears streaming down his face and a sick feeling in his stomach. Clenching the pages which Dazai had spilled his heart onto in his hands. He could no longer bear to look at the pages' contents, the paragraphs on why Dazai saw himself in such a horrible way. Paragraphs on how revolting Dazai was, on why he was disgusting and a monster.

The paragraphs on why Dazai was wrong.

I love him, and he's going to understand whether he likes it or not. I'm gonna make him understand just how wrong he is about being unlovable, undesirable and disgusting.

My love for him is never-ending, it is an uncountable and infinite source.

That day, Kunikida set out on a mission, a very, very long mission.

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

Atsushi sighed, tiredly looking down at the reports in his hands. He couldn’t focus on his work at all, and to be fair most of the agency couldn’t either. Today was May twenty-eighth.

Dazai-san could finally have visitors, and the agency planned to visit in turns after work.

Fukuzawa-senpai has already visited him, but Ranpo-senpai, Kunikida-san and Yosano-san will visit him along with me in just ten minutes! I’m so excited to see Dazai-san again, but I’m pretty nervous as well. I mean, did he really try...killing himself and almost succeed? He makes jokes about it all the time, it’s his whole thing really- but I never thought that it’d actually happen.

I feel like somehow this is my fault, the signs were right in front of me but I just ignored them. Poor Dazai-san, he was suffering and I did nothing. Even if I did try to help, I probably would’ve been useless anyway. I’m a horrible apprentice, aren’t I?

“Atsushi-kun!” Yosano called from the corner of the room, pulling open the door.

Atsushi quickly scrambled to grab his things, before stopping at the door with Yosano.

“Kunikida-kun, ya coming?” The doctor calls out to her coworker.

“I’ll be there in just a moment, Yosano-san.” Kunikida holds a book in one hand, and his messenger bag in the other.

“Alright, Mr.perfect and Mr.weretiger, you ready?” Yosano places a hand on her hip and smirks.

“Yep!” Atsushi taps his fingers together excitedly.

Kunikida simply nods to show he’s acknowledged what she said. He turns to Atsushi-

“Atsushi-kun, remember that ‘Dazai-san’ might have some injuries, and it’ll be painful if you hug him really tightly. First ask the nurses if it’s alright to touch him, okay?”

“Of course!” Atsushi beams, hopping from one foot to the other.

Such a peaceful and calm walk. Almost too calm.

Notes:

Ranpo's spidey sense are tingling.