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Buck doesn’t believe he was ever meant to hear the words. He did though, and he wishes that he could change that fact. Because when he was hearing them, he felt like his chest was caving in, as if Eddie had physically hit him in the chest instead of feeding the potential renter what they wanted to hear.
“No ties here, everything that matters is in Texas.”
It rings in his ears over and over again. His mind is taunting him, not allowing him to just let it go. Buck feels childish, he feels exhausting. It’s ridiculous and he’s even aware of it, and he thinks that being aware of it makes it so much worse.
Because he knows Eddie doesn’t think he’s exhausting. They’ve been friends for years and they’ve moved past that. They have.
But hearing him say that nothing is keeping him here makes him feel like he’s been buried alive. There’s panic and the lack of oxygen that makes his vision darken right there in Eddie’s backyard.
Which honestly makes it worse because it’s not going to be Eddie's backyard for much longer. But he swallows the panic down, Buck cannot freak out right now, especially not right here for this reason. The only thing his reaction is going to do is cause an argument, it’ll make things worse.
Buck doesn’t want to argue with Eddie so he straightens his shoulders and exhales. Inhales and exhales until his chest feels lighter, until his vision is clearer and he can blink back the tears, and hide the panic in his chest until he gets back to the loft.
He doesn’t even get the chance to go back inside and pretend everything is fine before his phone is ringing. Chris’s ringtone echoing around the otherwise quiet, fenced in backyard. Buck barely even notices that his hands are still shaking because he still isn’t completely back to normal before he’s answering the phone.
“Chris? Hey!” Buck grins into the phone, because no matter what he’s feeling right now. Talking to Chris is always a gift, even if it’s majorly awkward sometimes. And really, it’s the only positive of Eddie's sentence, Chris is what matters.
“Buck—“ Chris sniffles and Buck's heart cracks, the smile falls off of his face as quickly as it forms, “Can you come get me?”
“Come get you? Chris—? What’s wrong?” Buck asks, words stammering a little at the sound of Chris’s sadness.
“I hate it here!” Chris explodes and Buck almost pulls the phone away from his ear. It's so loud, “They’re treating me like a baby! And I’m playing chess Buck— chess!”
“You hate chess.” Buck swallows as Chris makes an obvious sound of agreement. The kid is unfortunately quite good at it, Bucks played with him in the park a couple of times and he still doesn’t get it, but Chris sure does. He’s damn good at it, but he doesn’t like to play it.
Imagining a smaller version of the boy he’s come to internally think of as his son, ask to be pushed on the swing instead of playing chess.
Buck knows.
“They want me to play in a tournament! Abuela told the neighbor I was her son!” And Buck's breathing hitches, Chris sounds absolutely devastated, “I’m not Buck!”
Buck steps away from the backdoor, loosening his grip on the knob and into the grass, “Sweetheart, of course you’re not.” He says softly, sadly, “You’re their grandson and that’s all, Eddies your dad and Shannon’s your mom—“
“And you’re my other dad Buck so please come and get me.” Chris states, it’s sure and stern and Buck wonders how tall the boys gotten since he last saw him. Especially as his voice cracks in the middle of the sentence.
Bucks faced away from the door as he feels the tears form in his eyes again, “Chris— I have to tell your dad, I can’t just take you—“
“Yes you can! Tell him, I don’t care, I want you, I want to come stay with you.” Chris’s voice gets quieter as his sentence finishes and he hears the back door open behind him but he ignores it. He cannot look at Eddie right now.
“You want to come stay with me?” Buck asks, feeling Eddie get closer to him, “Are you sure?” His own voice cracking because he can’t help it.
And as mad and overwhelmed as Chris is, somehow the kid still has an eye roll in there, he can’t see it, but Buck can tell by the tone of his voice when he replies that it’s happening, “Yes Buck.”
Eddie's hand wraps around his arm and Buck turns rapidly, meeting Eddies confused and worried gaze. Deciding right there what he’s going to do.
“Okay Superman,” and the wet snort he gets through the phone is what helps him keep eye contact with his best friend who just told strangers that Buck means nothing to him, “I’ll come and get you.”
Eddie's eyes widened, shock written all over his face but Buck ignores him for the moment because Chris is talking, “There’s a flight available in an hour, I’ll pack.” And Buck lets out a wet laugh.
“Chris, I won’t make that flight buddy, but I'll get the next closest one, okay?” And Chris sighs but Buck keeps talking, “Do you want me to bring your dad? So he can talk to your grandparents.”
“No.” And Buck can’t help the flinch at the venom in that boy's voice, but he gets it, he does. “Just you, I don’t— I don’t want to see him yet.” And Buck nods, still avoiding eye contact with Eddie.
“That’s fine, but I’m going to have him call them okay? So they know I’m coming.” Buck states as he sees Eddie's shoulders drop out of the corner of his eye.
“That’s fine I guess.” Chris says, sounding like Buck just took an ice cream from him. Teenagers are brutal sometimes, he’s going to have to get used to that.
Buck can’t help but snort, it’s an ugly sound but he doesn’t care, “Glad you approve.” And Chris hums, “I’ll text you when I board okay? Give me a few hours.”
It sounds like Chris is nodding, “A few hours, got it.” And his voice gets quieter again, “Thank you Buck—“
“No thanks needed,” Buck replies immediately, “I’ll always be there for you.” Chris sniffles again, but he sounds calmer now and that’s all that matters to Buck.
“I know… love you..” Chris mumbles, sounding increasingly embarrassed at even saying it but Bucks chest swells, and his heart hammers and he finds himself smiling.
“I love you too Chris.”
Chris hangs up and Buck is left staring at his phone. There’s a feeling in his chest, was Buck saying he loves Chris back that embarrassing for the boy? Well he better get used to it, Buck is going to be saying it all of the time now.
“Buck?” Eddie's voice rings out and Buck finally tears his eyes away from the picture Chris insisted would be his contact and looks into Eddie's eyes for the first time since he came out here.
Buck sniffles, and blinks before he opens his mouth, and closes it again with a swallow. Eddie steps closer, but before he can reach out and touch Buck, something he usually craves, but now interrupts to share this news and says, “Chris wants to come and live with me.”
Eddie's hand pauses in mid air, “What?” He asks, sounding just as affected, if not more than Buck was when Chris told him.
Then Buck briefly forgets what Eddie said and all of the words come pouring out of his mouth, “Chris said they treat him like a baby, and they’re making him play chess— Eddie—“ Buck gets closer to the man, after his hand drops, “Eddie— Chris hates chess.” His breathing feels uneven, “Your mom told the neighbor Chris was her son, he’s not very happy there. I told him— I promise I corrected—“
Eddie is staring at him wide eyed, his own chest is heaving but Eddie makes the final step, settling his hands on Bucks shoulders and squeezing, making his words falter, his mouth hanging open with a half formed word.
“Go get him.” Eddie pleads and that’s not at all what Buck expected, he minorly shakes Buck's shoulders, “I’ll — I’ll call my parents, you go— go book a flight.” Eddie’s nodding, “I’ll— I’ve got to get these people out of here.” And he drops his hands and childishly, Buck misses it immediately.
Eddie looks like he’s on autopilot as he steps away from Buck and turns to go into the house, presumably to get the people he said those awful words to out of the house and really Buck won’t miss them at all. Not when just seeing their faces makes him think of what Eddie said.
“Eddie—“ Buck starts and Eddie’s pulling out his phone so Buck moves and grabs his wrist, “Eddie— take a breath.”
And it seems like Eddie just sags, “Please go get him Buck.”
So Buck swallows the words he wants to say and just nods, “Alright.”
So he goes, well, not right away. Buck goes back to his loft first because honestly the idea of being around Eddie right now makes his skin crawl and the thought makes him feel selfish and a little crazy. Because he’s getting on a plane to go get Christopher, it shouldn’t matter that Eddie basically said he meant nothing to him.
It shouldn’t matter now.
But damn it does.
It matters because he thought Eddie… no— he knows Eddie cares about him. It’s a fact, just a mere fact, and if his brain would just leave him alone he’d be able to focus on the fact that Tommy’s car is parked outside of his loft. And honestly it kind of pisses him off, noticing it along with everything else he’s noticing, then he immediately feels like shit about it.
Tommy is meant to be on shift, that’s what he told Buck yesterday. His truck parked there does not look like he’s on shift, and with everything going through his brain right now, he already knows he can’t handle this.
But he needs to pack enough to change clothes at least, and take a shower so Eddie’s parents don’t think he’s a dirty person or that he smells weird or bad. Even if he’s pissed at them too, he still wants to make a good impression.
Chris called Buck his dad. He has to wear a nice shirt.
Now though, he walks into his loft and Tommy is just there. Immediately in his space and grabbing his jaw to pull him into a kiss and usually that would be fine. Buck loves being grabbed by the jaw but right now it’s not happening, there’s no swoop in his gut, nothing at all.
Buck places his hand on Tommy’s chest, pushing him back. “I’m going to get Chris from Texas.” He decides to just say it, get it out of the way, “He’ll be staying here.”
Tommy gapes at him, “You’re what?” The man blinks as if Buck hasn’t made it pretty damn clear that Chris is his number 1, no matter what. Not that there’s a list he keeps, but it should be pretty obvious. There’s pictures of the kid on his fridge. “You can’t just go get him, you’re not his dad.”
Buck scoffs, “I can actually, and I’m going too, my flight leaves in—“ He pulls out his phone and brings the website up, “Two hours.” And turns the phone around so Tommy can see it, as if Buck needs to prove himself in some way.
“Can’t Eddie— his dad, go get him?” Tommy sounds upset and Buck really just doesn’t get it, he told Tommy, he literally went to the awful birthday party with him, he knows what’s going on. Even if Buck honestly wishes he didn’t at the moment.
“He wants me to come and get him.” Buck shrugs because really it’s as easy as that, “And Chris is still upset so he wants to stay here with me, no big deal.” And he moves past Tommy because he really needs to get ready to go, he wants to actually get to the airport without needing to run through it.
Tommy grabs his wrist, “You’re serious, you’re just going to let that kid stay here?”
Buck blinks, and then he blinks again to make sure he processed those words correctly, “Obviously, he wants to stay here, then he stays here.”
“You can’t just house another guy's child Evan.”
“I can actually, Eddie already said yes, he also told me to go get him. So—“ Buck replies, dragging the word out because he doesn’t quite understand how clearer he could get about the conversation they’re having.
“Yeah that’s not happening.” Tommy states and Buck can’t help it after he realizes what just happened.
Buck laughs right in Tommy’s face.
Laughs so hard because he’s feeling a multitude of emotions right now and if he doesn’t laugh at the audacity of that statement he’ll start crying. But the laughter is enough for Tommy to let go of him so it’s a win really. The sound he makes echoes through the loft, he imagines he’d be able to hear it clearly upstairs. But he can’t help it.
“Oh that’s hilarious.” Buck wheezes, feeling the tears forming in his lashes, “You think I give a shit about your opinion on this?” And it's the shock on Tommy’s face that finally reels him in, it must be, he barely cusses, there’s just so many words he uses instead. But he thinks that was enough. “I was just letting you know, we don’t live together, you don’t get a say on who I bring to my loft.”
“You think I want to come over here when you’ve got the kid here?” Tommy sounds so offended and Buck can’t even bring himself to care.
He shrugs again, “Then don’t, Chris is my priority. He will be staying as long as he wants so that’s just something you’re going to have to deal with.”
“Whatever Evan, you can’t seriously be choosing him over me.” Tommy scoffs and Bucks expression narrows.
“Oh my god,” Buck groans, not even bothering to correct him on his name because that’s obviously never going to happen, “Are you jealous of a teenager right now?”
Tommy rolls his eyes, “You were jealous of a grown man so-“ and Buck gasps in offense.
“Holy shit!” Buck exclaims and he thinks that all of these emotions are going to send him into an early grave, “I am going through a lot of shit right now, can you just do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone? I don’t have time for this.” He sneers out, “I’m picking up Chris, he’s staying here, that’s final and if that’s an issue, — actually I don’t care if it’s an issue, leave.”
Bucks chest is heaving when he’s done and Tommy reels back from the words before his face hardens, “I always knew it wasn’t my attention you wanted.”
Buck just sighs and squeezes his eyes shut, yeah thanks, he fucking knows that now, “Get out Kinard.”
It would hurt a lot more that the man just turns and walks out if he didn’t want to throw something at him before the door clicks. Everyone would be so proud that he refrains.
His fists are still clenched tightly together, and he has to stand in place in the silence of his loft until he feels like he can breathe again. There’s a lot of things that happened today that he really didn’t need pointed out to him but he drags himself to the shower anyways.
Letting the water pour over his body as if it’s going to wash off the way he’s feeling.
The only official positive is that he’s bringing Chris here, he’s bringing him home. And that means Eddie isn’t leaving so maybe two positive things, if he doesn’t think about Eddie’s words to the renters that will no longer be around to try and rent a house Eddie isn’t moving out of.
So he focuses on Chris coming home instead of his own feelings for Eddie and Eddie’s words. It might be best to just not think about Eddie at all.
That’s a great idea.
Nodding to himself as he gets out of the shower and walks to his room and gets dressed. Feeling more so like a person with clothes on that probably won’t be looked down on by Eddie’s mom. Maybe, he hopes anyway.
But he simply just grabs a few things he might need on the plane or while driving to their house and just goes. Getting in his jeep and letting out a sigh of relief when he sees that Tommy’s car is in fact gone.
The drive is quiet, even with LA traffic making all of the noise, he lets that silence wash over him and by the time he sees Eddie’s name pop up on his radio where he’s calling him from his phone, the pain in his chest has settled a little. Enough to focus, so he presses accept with his finger.
“Hey Eds.” Buck says into the emptiness of his jeep and hears Eddie exhale on the other side, coming out through his speakers, probably the only reason he hears it so he doesn’t say anything.
“Hey Buck, Chris will be ready when you get there.” His voice is quiet, rough, sounding a lot like Buck did earlier when he was yelling at Tommy.
“I’m guessing they didn’t take it well?” Buck chances to ask. Even though it makes the line go quiet again for a few moments.
But then Eddie’s voice is back, “No— not really.” And he imagines Eddie pinching the bridge of his nose, “But it’s happening whether they like it or not, they know you’re coming, he’ll be ready.”
Buck exhales at the news, “Good— that’s good, Tommy didn’t like it so much either.” Buck bites his lip as Eddie huffs a laugh at the other end of the line, which honestly is the exact reaction he wanted, “I’ll be at the airport soon, I’ll text you when I land.”
“God,” Eddie says suddenly, “I can’t thank you enough for this.” It’s quiet and it feels awkward, even as the affection from being thanked rumbles in his chest, that he’s doing something good.
But it still doesn’t control the words that leave his mouth, “Well we’ve got to get what matters back from Texas right?” And Eddie’s breathing hitches and Buck bites his lip again, harder than he usually would because why would he say that?
“Buck-“ Eddie starts but he lets go of his lip and lets out a laugh because no, he refuses, the laugh is a quiet sound, more of a huff for anything.
“It’s fine Eddie, just focus on Chris, you’ll know the moment I’ve got him.” Buck states, shutting that conversation down.
It’s never felt so awkward between them. Well, it has but that’s in the past. This is now and he thinks it’s meant to be a happy moment but Buck had to go and say what he said and now Eddie knows that he knows and —
“Okay… be safe Buck.” Eddie’s voice interrupts his spiral. Which is great because he’s driving and that can’t happen going down the expressway.
“Always.”
Buck hangs up and immediately feels like a dick about it. It’ll definitely come back and bite him in the ass, Eddie will absolutely bring that up and make him look at him, in his big brown eyes and Buck will want to sink into the ground and be planted there so no one could see him.
Buck thinks about it until he’s boarding the plane. Actually, he thinks about it the entire flight. Everything that’s gone down, because how could he not? Even if he wants to ignore it, he’s practically vibrating in his seat. Hearing Eddie's words when he wasn’t supposed to, literally sitting on a plane because Chris wants to come and stay with him. That’s still enough to make him cry.
Then breaking up with Tommy, because Buck definitely did that. And being confronted with the feelings he is very aware of for Eddie, thank you very much. He knows. It doesn’t need to be pointed out, he’s been really good at ignoring it for who knows how long.
But Tommy went and pointed it out, but what does he know? He’s jealous of Christopher, a child. Or a teenager, whatever. So really, he’s not upset about the breakup, not after that.
He is upset though. That’s a fact.
Bucks’ certain that everyone on the plane can feel his angst like it’s leaking out of him. The nice older woman beside him hasn’t said a word to him, but she’s talking to the guy on her other side so he can only imagine what his face must look like.
But the lack of conversation is nice. It helps the 3 hour flight from LA to El Paso pass by quicker. Even if he’s decidedly not going to worry about the fact that it went by so fast because he was dissociating.
It’s fine.
—
The uber is nice and she agrees to stay at the house and bring them back to the airport. Since Buck did get the return flight for a couple of hours after he landed in El Paso and it makes a weight get off of his shoulders when she agrees. Even if she has to drive right where he asked her to come.
She’s getting a great review and an even greater tip for that.
Especially since she doesn’t really try to talk to him, and it makes Buck feel terrible that it’s a good feeling. Buck loves talking to people, but right now, it feels like too much work.
So he texts Eddie that he landed and is on his face and breathes through the fact that he’s going to have to talk to Eddie’s parents and then come home and not take Chris to Eddie.
Buck doubts Eddie’s dealing with that well.
Or at all.
But he watched the uber driver’s phone as they went, watching the minutes until they arrived at the Diaz’s house dwindled the farther they drove. Minutes ticking down as music played low in her car. A car that had an empty trunk that he gets to shove a few of Chris’s suitcases in.
Those are going to be fun to carry. But he’ll have Chris with him so honestly he won’t mind. Seeing Chris will be the only thing today that he doesn’t mind. Even as his heart rate picks up the moment they pull up to the house and he swallows, the inside of his mouth dry.
“There you go!” She smiles into the mirror, “I’ll be right here when you get back.”
Buck can’t help but smile back at her, “Thank you so much again.” And she waves him off and he shakes his head with a chuckle and gets out of the car.
Walking up to the house he didn’t expect the door to fling open and Chris to be standing there and he feels the emotions well up in his chest at seeing him smile. His eyes are both red and a little swollen but he’s smiling at Buck, and he smiles back just as wide.
“Buck!” Chris yells and he walks up the porch and catches the kid into a hug, holding him close. Breathing him in, god he missed him so much.
“Hey buddy.” Buck whispers and only lets go once Chris does. He can’t help himself, he’d hold the boy forever if that’s what he wanted. But he feels Chris’s grip start releasing and so Buck lets him. And he hadn’t realized that he closed his eyes until he opened them to see Helena Diaz standing at her wide open front door.
Her eyes are sharp, and her face is narrow. Honestly she looks exactly how Buck expected her too, she kind of looks easy to draw.
But Buck stands straight up, and smiles at her, “Hello Mrs Diaz, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Buck.” He reaches out his hand and she looks at it for a moment before surprisingly taking his own in return.
Her mouth is pursed, “I know who you are, Buck.” And he hides a wince, of course she does. But really he was just being polite.
“Can we go now?” Chris asks and Buck sends a look towards him before seeing Ramon out of the corner of his eye, and he’s holding two suitcases. Less than he thought but whatever, certainly they can get the rest later.
“Don’t you want to say bye to your grandparents?” Buck asks and Chris rolls his eyes, wow, he looks just like Eddie when he does that.
“Whatever.” Chris shrugs but does move towards the two of them and really that’s all Buck can ask, he’s not going to make the kid say bye, but he probably should at least encourage it.
So Buck just smiles as Chris hugs Helena and she whispers, “are you sure mijo?” As if Chris wasn’t sure, but the boy nods and then lets go. It’s one of the shortest hugs he’s ever seen in his life.
He wouldn’t want to be one of them.
The hug with Ramon is shorter, and Buck has to hide a wince as Chris moves himself out of the hug after a single pat. A part of him doesn’t want to know what all they’ve actually done to deserve that but he’ll listen if Chris wants to share.
Ramon looks hurt by the lack of hug but he picks up the suitcases and brings his gaze towards Buck and he wishes it wasn’t so similar to the way Eddie looks when he’s hiding how angry he is.
“Let me bring these to the car for you.” The man states, and Buck can tell by the tone that there isn’t any room for argument so he just nods.
“Sure, of course.”
Buck sends one last wave to Helena who looks like she’s going to start crying and Buck really wants to leave. If she’s going to do what his own mom does. So he turns to Chris and gestures to him to make his way down the porch with a grin.
“He needs —“ Helena starts but Chris interrupts her.
“God I’m not a baby!” Chris exclaims and Buck does wince then, but doesn’t turn, just keeping his eyes on Chris as he makes his way down the stairs. His crutches clacking against the wood. Buck goes down the stairs behind him and they make their way towards the car, Ramon following right behind them. His presence feels physical and Buck elects to ignore it.
They make it to the car relatively easy and Chris opens the car door so fast Buck almost thinks he’s going to hit himself with it. But the boy slides in easily and immediately shuts the door.
Buck ignores Ramon’s gaze again and pops the truck on the car with a swallow, “They can go in there, thank you for bringing them.”
“Esto es un error.” Ramon mumbles but does what he’s told and Buck sucks his lip into his mouth to hide how much that hurt, because he understands him.
“If it is what Chris wants, it’s never a mistake.” Buck murmurs back in English, as he shuts the trunk down, easy because this isn’t his jeep and he won’t be disrespectful that way.
Buck finally meets Ramon’s eyes and the man does look furious now, but Buck is out of fucks to give, he doesn’t care. “I’ll have Eddie text one of you when Chris is settled, have a good night.” And Buck steps back.
“Buck.” Ramon calls and Buck turns around, and he thinks that the man is going to be rude again, his face looks like he swallowed a lemon but he finishes his words, “Keep him safe.” And Buck's eyes widen slightly.
“I will.” Buck replies and Ramon nods before the man turns and walks back towards the house. Buck watches him go for a moment, deciding to not look at Helena who's definitely still standing at the door like a stray dog, then he moves towards the car and gets inside with Chris.
The woman greets him and Buck sends her a smile and they’re on their way back to the airport.
The car ride is not as awkward as Buck thought it would be. Chris is quiet but apparently he’s told their driver that Bucks his dad so frankly he doesn’t care about whatever else happens tonight because that’s enough to bring back some consciousness he’s lacking.
But he still takes out his phone to text Eddie, sending a simple: We’re headed back to the airport. Teenager acquired.
Buck doesn’t send a picture like he normally would, he doubts Chris would go for that.
And they both thank the uber driver when they get to the airport and it’s the quickest he’s ever seen Chris move and just seeing it makes Buck smile and shake his head while he’s grabbing the suitcases from the trunk.
For the first time, Buck is thankful he’s flying twice in one day, even if he dislikes flying on his good days, just preferring to drive himself around the country. But for Chris, he'd do this everyday if needed. Especially when Chris is waiting for him at the doors, calling out a; “Cmon Buck!” As he does.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Buck replies good-naturedly and it’s as if no time passes at all before they’re sitting in their seats and Chris is watching out of the window of the plane while Buck sits in the middle, taking up all of the leg room left over.
It’s dark out but Chris stares as the flight takes off and Buck can’t look away from the way the teenagers shoulders relax, his entire body sagging against the seat. His arm barely misses his crutches where Chris has sat them against the wall of the plane.
“Thanks for coming to get me Buck.” Chris murmurs and Buck reaches over and pats the boy's head, and it must be relief with the way he’s not shaken off like he usually is. Even as the curls atop his head are ruffled underneath Bucks fingers.
“You called, of course I came and got you.” Buck replies easily, this is the easiest thing he’s ever done.
Chris swallows as Buck pulls his hand away, “Is— is dad mad I didn’t call him?” And Bucks glad he pulled his hand away, so Chris doesn’t see the way his fingers curl into his pants.
“No Superman, he’s not mad.” Buck states with a sad little tick of his lip, “I think that your dad is just happy you’ll be closer.” And Chris finally looks away from the window and he can’t not tell the kid, “When you called.. your dad was in the process of renting the house out.”
Chris blinks behind his glasses, “He was what?”
Buck can’t help the quiet laugh he lets out, the rest of the flight is so quiet, “He was going to come to El Paso.” Buck sees the water filling Chris’s lashes and he doesn’t want the kid to cry, especially since Chris is just like his dad and he really doesn’t want to see the anger, and maybe it’s selfish but he can’t do it, “He told them that everything that matters was in Texas, so you coming back, even if it’s not home, was enough for him to completely let that idea go.”
Chris does not in fact cry, but the boy does sniffle. The sound turns into a scoff, “Dad hates Texas, and I hate surprises.” Buck snorts, “That would’ve been stupid.”
“Maybe.” Buck says, “But he just wanted to be close to you, even if you were mad at him.”
“That’s even more dumb.” Chris frowns.
“Chris—“ Buck keeps his voice low but the boy interrupts him, talking just as quietly.
“No it is, I was never going to be gone forever.” Chris states as if it’s obvious and that’s more of a relief than Buck expected it to be, “and what matters is in Texas?” The boy air quotes with his fingers, “That’s a shit excuse.”
“Language.” Buck says softly, needing to remind himself that Chris is almost 14 now.
The teenager rolls his eyes but sags against the seat again, “I’m just saying, dads family is in LA, I don’t want him to come to Texas and be miserable for me, because it was miserable for me.”
That breaks Buck's heart, “Well now he won’t have too.” Buck pats the boy's leg this time and relishes in the small smile he gets from it, “But Chris, you’re the one that means the most to your dad, he’d do anything for you, even if it means being miserable.”
“That’s stupid, just because I’m mad at him doesn’t mean I want him to — I don’t know, suffer too?” Chris says, but the rest comes off as a mumble, “I just wish he wouldn’t have brought her home.”
Buck inhales, “Yeah buddy, but I think this is something you should talk to your dad about, when you’re ready.” He clarifies, “You’ll get to see all that therapy he’s been going to.”
“He’s going to therapy?” Chris questions.
“Oh yeah, I even took him last week.” Buck does not mention that he’s been with Eddie quite a lot these past few months. “He’s trying.”
“That’s good.” Chris mumbles and Buck gets it, he does. It’s a complicated situation and he’s not trying to sway the teenager. Buck just thinks that he deserves to know, who knows, it might help the two of them in the long run.
“But— you can stay with me as long as you want, even if you have to sleep on my pull out couch.” Buck says, trying for a grin and is pleased to get one in return.
“Thanks Buck.”
“Anything kid.”
Maybe this will work out, and Buck can ignore everything that he’s feeling because Chris coming back to LA, it seems that at least that is falling into place. The other stuff can’t wait.
When they do get back to Bucks loft, Chris is dead on his feet and if he didn’t think he’d get the stink eye if he asked to carry him then he would. He does not ask, because he knows better and just lets him go into the loft on his own and pulls out some pajamas from the bag for him while he uses his downstairs bathroom.
Wordlessly he hands them to the teenager and lets him change. Getting a blanket and a pillow before he’s going to pull out out the couch, keeping an ear open in case Chris does decide that he needs help, but eventually he hears the clacking of crutches and when he turns around from laying the blanket down, Chris wraps his arms around his waist.
Buck feels like he’s in shock a little, but he doesn’t hesitate in wrapping back around the boy he’s come to think of as his own son, but he doesn’t say anything and Chris doesn’t either, just hugs him for a moment and then lets go. But that hug was longer than the two he gave to his grandparents combined so Buck tries to not feel emotional about that.
He’s not sure if he succeeds because he’s pretty certain if Chris continues to roll his eyes they’re going to get stuck like that. But he sucks in his lip to not comment on it as he lays down.
“Let me know if you need anything okay?” Buck states as he sits Chris’s bags on the ground, they’ll unpack all of that in the morning when Buck doesn’t feel like he’s going to fall over.
“Ok—“ Chris starts and is interrupted by a yawn that makes Buck chuckle.
“Night.” He waves a hand and gets a half reply in return.
It’s good enough for him as he makes his way up the stairs, his bad leg twinging with the effort from sitting for so long. But it’s not bad enough that he can’t shower so he does just that. Letting the water run over him and clean off the weird feeling that planes and airports always give him.
The moment he steps out he feels less grimy, more clean and he can only imagine how much better he smells. But a pair of shorts and a tank top later he’s laying in his bed and clicking on Eddie's number and letting it ring against his ear.
Eddie picks up on the second ring, “Hey,” the man breathes out and he doesn’t sound normal at all but is clearly trying to be.
“Hey,” Buck murmurs, “We’re back at the loft, he’s asleep.” The rush of air that comes through his speaker is almost enough that he feels like he needs to pull the phone away from his ear, but he doesn’t.
“That’s— that’s fuck,” Eddie sounds terrible but Buck hums in response before actually saying any words, to give Eddie a second in case he wants to continue. But that doesn’t happen.
“Mhmm, he said he’d think about talking to you soon, but— not right now. Soon I’m sure.” Buck says and Eddies breathing hitches,
“Really?”
“Yeah man, he doesn’t hate you, you know?” Buck says and he’s the one rolling his eyes when Eddie doesn’t reply this time, “Eddie, he’s just upset and really he just seems like he’s sad.”
Eddie exhales again and he hopes he’s not working himself up to a panic, Buck can’t get to him right now, but really that’s probably for the best. “He has every right to be.” Eddie's voice finally replies.
Buck hums again, “He does.” And Eddie huffs a surprised laugh that makes Bucks mouth tuck up, “But I’d rather him be here than there, that’s for sure.”
“Me too.” Eddie sighs, “How’d that go by the way?”
Buck winces just thinking about it, “Let’s just say I doubt Chris is going to want to see or talk to them for a while.”
“That bad?”
Buck is nodding before remembering that Eddie can’t see him, “He uh, barely looked at them when we were leaving, and.. uh… they were the saddest excuses of hugs I’ve ever seen.” Eddie sighs, “But he did snap at your mom, so I might be a little proud of him.”
Eddie huffs a wet laugh this time, “What happened?”
Buck turns on his bed, bringing himself underneath the blankets, “We were leaving and I let him go down the stairs on the porch in front of me and I think she was going to say he needed help and he snapped at her, ‘I’m not a kid!’” Buck chuckles a little, “Think it was the fastest I’ve seen him get to a car.”
“Sounds like he’s been wanting to say that for a while if he snapped.” Eddie says through a chuckle that makes Buck sleepily smile into the pillow.
“I’m going to try and get him to tell me what happened.” Buck finally states, feeling a little more serious, “But— he told me a few things and I’m not sure if I should tell you or let him say it to you.” He doesn’t want to betray Chris’s trust by talking about what they talked about on the plane, but he also wants Eddie to know.
“We can talk about when you’re not falling asleep.” Eddie says and Buck realizes that it’s been a few minutes, hopefully Eddie isn’t repeating himself.
“Okay.” Buck murmurs and Eddie hums and the sound makes his eyes close again, “But we’re all happy you didn’t move to Texas.” Mumbling it out as he drifts off.
And vaguely he hears Eddie's voice when he does fall asleep, “Me too cariño.”
—
Having Chris in the loft changes basically nothing to his routine. The only difference is that Buck wakes up easily and Chris absolutely does not. He barely says a word until there’s food in his stomach and his teeth are brushed. It’s such a contrast from when he was little that it makes Buck smile instead of being sad, looking at this kid becoming a teenager.
He can deal with the grumpiness because he gets to see him in person instead of through a phone screen a few times a week.
But Buck calls Carla that morning as well, so she can come hang out with Chris when he does go back to work. Even if the teenager clearly thinks he’ll be fine, Buck does not agree, he’s not leaving him alone for 24 hours, especially since he has to go back to school eventually, the break is technically happening but if he’s going to be staying for the little remaining amount of the summer with Buck, he won’t be alone.
Buck was always left alone, to take care of himself so he doesn’t really care if Chris argues with him about it. He’d rather that than something happening. But funnily enough, he just gripes about it and it makes Buck laugh so the plans in motion when the time comes.
Chris gripes about a lot of things but does them anyways. Like going to the store with Buck and helping him put away those groceries and actually giving input about what he wants to eat this week, especially since Buck plans to prepare some of those meals in advance so Carla doesn’t have to do as much.
It’s smooth, even as he talks to Eddie on the phone. It’s hard not seeing him but at the same time it helps him. Because he can’t think about what Eddie said if he can’t see his face and they only talk about Chris.
He feels like Eddie wants to bring it up but Buck keeps barreling over it. They don’t need to talk about it, Buck thinks that they have enough going on without talking about it. Plus they never talk about anything ever anyways, why start with this?
Buck will eventually get over the fact that he means nothing to Eddie.
It’s fine.
It’s immediately not fine the moment he walks into the station and Eddie engulfs him into a hug that’s so tight Buck forgets that he needs oxygen. They’ve shared many hugs over the years but this one feels like Eddie wants to just fuse with him, or pick him up to somehow hug him tighter.
He lets himself be hugged, and hugs back because he wasn’t expecting this and he’s not going to turn down affection. Plus, even with the lingering feelings in his chest, weighing him down. This is the longest they’ve gone without seeing one another in years. Three whole days doesn’t seem like a long time, but with the rollercoaster of emotions, it sure feels like it was.
They still run like a well oiled machine together when they start going out on calls. Seamlessly working together through accidents, fires and minor calls that don’t really require everyone.
It’s nice, it’s really nice.
Buck just wants to know why Eddie keeps touching him.
Not that they didn’t touch before, Buck knows he’s a pretty tactile person. He touches, can’t seem to keep his hands to himself. A pat here, a nudge there. But he’s so used to being the one that touches people that it’s easy to notice when someone is touching him. Because people don’t really touch him all that often. Especially since he broke up with Tommy.
Eddie isn’t really like that though. Not in the way Buck is. He does touch, little things but what he’s been doing is different and the longer it goes on, the more obvious it seems to him.
At first he didn’t really notice, Eddie settling a hand on his shoulder, or his arm. That wasn’t anything to notice, he didn’t think anyways.
But it shifted pretty quickly, to the hand settling on him to stay there. Talking to him as if his hand wasn’t burning into the skin of his arm. Staying behind him as he walked up the stairs into the loft of the firehouse and putting that same hand on his back.
Buck had almost launched himself over the railing and broke his own arm when it happened.
It seems to get worse, or better, Buck hasn’t decided yet when they don’t see each other for a couple of days. When Buck fills Eddie in on what he and Chris did on his first 48 off after he started staying with him. Telling him how they went to the museum and had lunch. Then we’re both extremely lazy the second day, watching movies together.
Eddie guides him by the small of his back out of a burning house that same day, while Buck is coughing but still perfectly capable of seeing the opening in front of them. The feeling of his palm pressing against his turnout coat is hotter than the flames taking his entire house down.
It’s confusing and all consuming but he still doesn’t say anything. Eddie is reenrolling Chris in school for fucks sake. It’s confusing because he’s questioning every little action and a part of him thinks that he’s doing it because he’s thankful? Buck has not a clue, and he doesn’t want to ask because he might stop and that’s worse than being confused.
Naturally it comes up even if he isn’t the one to say anything.
“If you get any closer Buckaroo is going to have to sit in your lap Eddie.” Chimney teases them a week after the fire, while they’re sitting on the couch at the station, Buck watching videos on his phone and Eddie looking over when Buck shows them to him.
Buck feels Eddie tense next to him. And the words are out of Bucks mouth before he has a chance to catch them, “Maybe I’m not sitting on his lap to be respectful in public Chim.” Buck grins, all teasing right back and if anything, Eddie tenses farther.
“Ew.” Chimney deadpans and fans his hand around and it makes Buck chuckle and lean into Eddie, forgetting for the moment how he’s been feeling lately because it is funny.
Only when he looks over, Eddie isn’t laughing.
And the worst thing possible happens on their next shift, because this is still the only time he gets to see Eddie now, he doesn’t touch him.
It’s all Chimney's fault.
Buck sends him a glare when Eddie walks around him and touches absolutely nothing on his body and Chimney at least has the ability to wince when he does. It’s pathetic really, how it immediately affects him the first time it happens and they’re back to only talking about Chris.
He feels insane, babbling on and on about the movie he and Chris watched and the chips they made from scratch because Buck had what they needed to do so and it’s a little more healthy than popcorn.
Buck had thought he’d convinced himself it was fine, that Eddie said what he said because he was showing Buck that maybe it wasn’t true. And Buck was starting to believe it and Chris is laughing more and seems happier. He thought they were moving forward.
The moment someone called Eddie out, all of it went away and now Buck feels like that maybe it didn’t really mean anything at all and he was just overthinking it, like he always does.
Once again though, he doesn’t get to say anything because it’s that night that Chris decides that he wants to talk to his dad and that’s more important than anything Buck finally feels ready to say.
So he calls Eddie and invites him over for dinner and leaves the moment the food is ready and Eddie is walking through the door of his loft. Buck stands there, watching Eddie look at Chris and the expression is enough for Buck to smile, because he really thinks that they're going to be alright.
Buck settles a hand on Eddies shoulder and ignores how he startles, “I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” He whispers to the man and Eddies gazes turns to him.
“You’re not staying?” Eddie questions and Bucks eyes leave Eddies and take a glance at Chris who’s staring at the both of them and he shakes his head.
“Nah, I think you guys need to do this alone.” Buck says and pats Eddie's shoulder before letting go and walking out of his loft before he tries to do something dumb and stay there.
Buck doesn’t go far, only gets in his jeep to go and pick himself up something to eat, eating in his jeep and watching the water he can see in the distance. It’s quiet and he doesn’t feel settled but he also doesn’t feel like his body is going to just implode so there’s a positive.
And he stays there until his phone pings and Eddie is telling him to come back.
Two hours flies by when you’re not paying attention.
But it feels like he just left when he walks back into the loft, though this time he doesn’t get far at all before Eddie is caging him into his own front door and pressing them together.
“Ed—-“ Buck says, shock written all over his face as his head snaps up to meet Eddies own certain expression. The man’s eyebrows are pinched and his brown eyes look so intense Buck fights to look but doesn’t stray.
He hears the shower running upstairs and guesses that Chris is up there, but it still doesn’t explain what’s going on. Well it doesn’t until Eddie speaks, voice like gravel.
“I’m going to say this one time.”
Buck blinks at him, “What?” Questioning the situation and everything that’s happening right now.
Eddie does not repeat what he just said, “You mean everything to me.” Bucks breathing hitches in surprise, and his hands clench uselessly by his sides.
“I don’t—“ He starts and Eddie presses closer.
“I lied to those people but I shouldn't have said it at all.” Eddie simpers, and Bucks eyes widen, “Chris is my heart and I would do anything to have him home with me again, but he’s here instead, with the rest of my heart and I made you feel like I don’t care about you.”
“I’m your—? Eddie, I would’ve.. you don’t need to do this.” Buck stammers, feeling entirely out of depth here.
“I’m doing this right now so it doesn’t get pushed under the rug.” Eddie starts again, “I want you to know that if I would’ve gone to Texas I would’ve fallen apart without you. That’s a fact.” And Eddie breathes while Buck feels like he can’t catch his own, “I would’ve left without you, but I wouldn’t ever be able to live without you.”
And that— that’s what gets him.
“I would’ve gone with you, if you asked.” Buck states and Eddie's mouth curls.
“I know, our son has made it quite clear I’ve been pretty stupid, and dumb, he also said dumb.”
The words make Buck let out a wet laugh, his eyes watery, “He told me all of that already on the plane here.”
“I’m sure,” Eddie hums, “But I couldn’t figure out why it hurt so much to leave LA, and then you went and picked up our son because he called and it became much clearer.”
“Clearer —?” Buck trails off because he needs him to say it, even if he did just call Buck part of his heart, which is enough to send him over the edge of emotions but he really hopes it’s not platonic. It doesn’t sound like it, Buck isn’t that oblivious, but he needs to hear him say it.
Eddie doesn’t look at him like the clarification is annoying though, if anything his gaze softens from that molten lava, “It finally made me realize that I’m in love with you, you matter to me.”
That’s…
“I’m in love with you too.” Buck whispers, his face feels swollen and he hasn’t even started crying. Honestly, he should get an award. “I— all I’ve ever wanted was to matter and when he called me, nothing was more important than that.”
Eddie finally smiles, bringing their faces closer together, their noses lightly touching, “You put him first, even after you heard me say those awful words, that I don’t expect you to forgive me for, because they were hurtful and I don’t want to ignore it.”
Buck thinks he might melt into the floor, seep right through the hardwood and meet his downstairs neighbors for the first time, “How about you start apologizing by kissing me?” He asks, a little shy and a whole lot a cheek.
Eddie doesn’t even answer him before lips are meeting his own and Buck lets out a soft, surprised groan as he’s completely pressed against the door, Eddie's hands gripping his hips as their mouths slide together. Saliva forming as Eddie shoves his tongue into his mouth.
It’s perfect and he’s breathing through his nose so it doesn’t end so soon, finally bringing his hands up to grip at Eddie's jaw and tilts his head to deepen the kiss, making Eddie let out a groan of his own.
Buck feels like he could do this forever, to stay right here in this moment, feeling Eddie's mouth against his own.
“Really? I thought this would take until at least tomorrow.” Chris’s voice calls out and Buck gasps, pushing Eddie a little who is just grinning at him as Buck so clearly tries to look normal.
“Your dads pretty impatient.” Buck exhales, his gaze roaming over the other man who just laughs.
Chris scoffs as he makes his way down Bucks stairs, “He did almost move to Texas on a whim.” And that makes Buck laugh, and suddenly they’re all laughing, and this time when Eddie reaches out he doesn’t hesitate.
Buck takes his hand and lets him drag him over to Bucks couch, and they all sit down and he finally feels like himself again. Even if not all of it is fixed, and Chris hasn’t said a word about going back home.
But he’s here in LA and Buck doesn’t have to forgive Eddie right away, even if he loves him. Even if he’s kissed him senseless and he feels complete with them right here. As Eddie runs his thumb over Bucks knuckles.
They’re headed in the right direction.