Chapter Text
Getting better is not easy.
And Bakugo doesn’t mean ‘better’ as in healing from a physical wound. You don’t even think about that shit, it just happens. No… he means all the other stuff.
Emotional trauma takes a toll larger than any wound he’s ever dealt with. And he’s surprised at being so aware of that now, given how his past exposes a glaring lack of empathy and self-awareness.
He and Izuku were shoved together by fate or whoever else after the war. The other’s company became a necessary anchor, and as a consequence, they’ve had to watch each other go through the painful molting that is required to heal.
Only for them, it’s not only healing from what happened during the war. No. This pain has an added few layers of trauma. It includes bullying, abuse, loss of a dream, failed life plan and shouldering inhuman expectations for Izuku.
It includes anger management issues, a deep-rooted lack of self-worth, an inferiority complex that manifests as a superiority complex, and feeling like he needed to defy everyone’s low expectations of him and he failed by dying for Bakugo.
When they cry together in that hospital and try to smile and laugh it off later, only they know how deeply hurt the other is. They may not grasp it just yet, but at the very least, they know it won’t be as easy as smiling through it. It’s gonna get ugly.
But somehow, even when their past relationship had been tainted by abuse and rejection… Bakugo and Izuku became each other’s rock through it all. They’d give the support the other needed and knew always what to say… if their bond was noticeable before (even when Bakugo liked to pretend it wasn’t real), then now it was simply undeniable.
Going all the way to the beginning…
Their friendship was wholesome, during their stay at the hospital. They didn’t have to confront the outside world, so they felt safe enough to seek comfort. They didn’t have to remember their past. Bakugo could delude himself into thinking that after he apologized under the rain, it was all said and done.
That’s not how it goes, though…
Once they got out, it’s as if the world rushed between them and pulled them miles apart. They’d only ever talk whenever they were casually and coincidentally in the same room those first few days. They wouldn’t seek each other out, no. It’s as if they were both desperately trying to forbid themselves to see each other.
When they did talk, the tone of their conversations took a dark turn. They shared all of their darkest thoughts. For Bakugo, Izuku was the only person in this world that could possibly understand. It was the same for Izuku. But little by little, what had become a dynamic of emotional dumping and running every once in a while, became a little more than that…
“You know… I think I lied before…” came Izuku’s detached voice one night.
Kaminari and Kirishima were waiting for them to finish some stupid project back at the dorms, but Bakugo had gotten a nasty smoking habit he had no intentions to shake just yet. He preferred the real deal to remind himself the kind of disgusting bullshit he was putting in his body for not being strong enough to deal with his issues.
Izuku always came with, so they could have moments like this one… where emotional bombs were thrown and the aftermath didn’t harm anyone else.
“When?” Bakugo prompted when the silence stretched on too long. He could tell Izuku was barely hanging on today, but all he could offer recently was a lot of silence that he hoped was comforting.
Gulping, Izuku turns down to his fidgeting hands hanging off the handrail, “Before. Back in the hospital. I told you I was grateful I got to have a quirk for a little while…” Bakugo’s heart constricted painfully, but the green-haired boy didn’t notice. “I think I would’ve rather not have a quirk ever…”.
It was only reasonable for Izuku to think that way. The guy had been through so much and in the end, the one thing he wanted he had to lose. It wasn’t fair. Bakugo works his jaw. In some ways, he understands and respects All Might’s decision. It couldn’t have been anyone other than Izuku, the one to end this war correctly. But at the same time, did that old man know he was ruining the nerd’s life?
“I know it doesn’t make me a bad person… that’s not what makes me sad” Izuku sighs, and from his periphery, Bakugo can tell he’s started tearing up. “What makes me…” a silent sob rattles the boy’s frame, “I guess in the end, having a quirk for a while didn’t make much of a difference, did it?”
The sarcastic bark of a laugh that Izuku produced was something the blonde could only conjure up in nightmares. It had his full attention.
“I’m still a quirkless nobody that sometimes wants to kill himself” the freckled boy says, voice broken and tears streaming down his face. The declaration leaves Bakugo breathless.
It really does break him. Once upon a time he’d wished that exact thing onto Izuku, and now, he got to see exactly how his words took effect. You reap what you sow…
In moments like that, Bakugo never knew what to say.
He felt hypocritical just sharing how much he wanted Izuku to live. For one, because he wished the same death for himself sometimes, too. And also, because how could it possibly help Izuku to hear bullshit about wanting him alive from the same bastard that told him to take a swan dive off the roof?
——
Even when their conversations definitely turned darker and darker, their past wasn’t mentioned at first. And Bakugo would be damned if he brought it up. The apology had to be enough, he’d told himself. That was water under the bridge…
That first month out, their occasional conversations were, overall, vague. Casual, almost. They’d cry, share some fucked up shit, clean up tears, clear their throats and go back to class or homework. The blonde wanted to believe so bad that this would be the new normal.
But those dark conversations? They started escalating. That ‘water under the bridge’ was gonna circle back to drown him in a minute.
He’d forgotten an apology is just the first step of the journey.
“I still think about it” Izuku said one day, apropos to nothing. The tone of his voice was better suited for a rainy night in the middle of the street, but right now it was sunny as all hell, and they were on UA’s roof. “Every day…”
Bakugo turns, a forbidden cigarette in his hand. Aizawa catches them most of the time, but he sometimes allows the blonde to finish it, so he’s always willing to take a chance. He needs it. He’s been stressed as all fuck, and people asking why he’s “so quiet all of a sudden” is not fucking helping. Words just refuse to come out, okay?! How difficult is that to process?! He’s still angry and glaring! Just… sans the yelling.
Izuku continues, “Every day I think about… taking a swan dive to see if… maybe…” Bakugo’s blood runs cold, and his head snaps to his best friend with a lump in his throat. He catches the boy looking down to the garden, a good three floors down, with something akin to longing.
“Maybe I could have a good quirk, you know? Be a normal hero, do my part… I wouldn’t have all these people thinking this is somehow a happily ever after” the boy explained, hands fisted, “I could be worth something instead of feeling this… this…”
Words stopped being enough to describe the feeling, and Bakugo understood. The blonde was wracking his brain searching for something useful to say, but nothing would come up.
After a few quiet sobs, Izuku asked barely above a whisper, “Why would you say something like that?” His voice breaks at the end and his eyes get watery. “Why would you put it in my head?!”
Goddamn. Katsuki knows he doesn’t have an answer to that. “I-“ he starts, but it feels pointless. “I don’t…” anything he came up with felt like an excuse. And he was aware there was no excuse big enough to cover this mistake.
“You don’t know?” Izuku finishes for him, indignation brewing in the folds of his face for a second before Bakugo nods. That gets a huff out of the freckled boy, “That’s it? You don’t know?” The blonde cant look him in the eye, he keeps his gaze trained on the garden below. “You don’t think I was suffering enough being quirkless?! You had to go and-!” a violent sob destabilizes Midoriya for a moment and he pauses to get back his composure.
Digging his hails in his palms, to induce enough pain to remain grounded, Katsuki breathes “I’m sorry” like a prayer. As Izuku got a hold of himself, those words were all Bakugo could say. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”
“I get it!” screamed Izuku, clearly annoyed by the chant. “Fuck!” he exclaims, wiping at his face. It’s so odd to hear him cuss these days…
“I regret saying it” Bakugo gets out, feeling immediately like an idiot. “I don’t know what I would do if you… I never-“
Midoriya huffs again dismissively and turns his face away, “Why bully me, huh?” His voice had turned low and calculated. “Was it fun?”
For a change, Bakugo felt genuinely intimidated, “I was… trying to feel superior”. The reasoning felt so fucking stupid. “I was being a selfish idiotic piece of shit, I wasn’t thinking”.
Izuku’s face snaps back to stare right into Katsuki’s soul. “Did it work?” the question caught him by surprise, and he must’ve looked confused because green-eyes reiterated, “Did you feel superior?”
“No” Bakugo replies simply. In all his efforts, what he managed to do was feel more and more inferior as time went by. If not for his flaws, then for the mistakes he’s made trying to feel superior.
“Good” was all Izuku spit out, turning back and leaving on his own.
Panting and overwhelmed, the blonde was left in shock.
——
After that, a strange and not-quite healthy dynamic developed between them. Their closeness was back, a billion percent. They didn’t move unless they were together, they did homework together, ate together… the whole class learned pretty quickly that they couldn’t find one without the other. In front of their very eyes, the duo had become inseparable and, believe ir or not, a fun dynamic to hang out with. In public, their friendship became stronger a month or two after the war, and they couldn’t be happier that the stupid one sided rivalry was over.
But when it was just the two of them… that’s where their ‘fun dynamic’ would crumble. Izuku would be harsh, critical and dismissive. The guy was clearly angry at everything and everyone, and having no one he trusted enough to communicate this, it was his best friend the one that experienced the brunt of it.
Bakugo on his part would be quiet. It felt like he was in a constant stupor, his arms and legs feeling like they were weighed down and too slow for his liking. His behavior was quite subdued, his face softened, and when it came to Izuku’s meltdowns? He just took them. No questions asked. It felt fair, even.
Their friends never missed their known and loved personalities, but it was in those quiet moments when everyone left that this new dynamic would fester.
Izuku was upset, frustrated and felt impotent. Bakugo felt guilty, disappointed, ashamed and terrified. It’s as if they’d swap personalities as soon as everybody left.
“Oi!” Izuku snaps his fingers in front of Katsuki’s face, bringing him back to reality. “Listen to me, dammit, I’m talking!”
Bakugo blinks back to reality, staring down at the cutting board. There’s an onion on it that he doesn’t remember grabbing. This recipe doesn’t call for an onion. They were supposed to be making something else.
“I said what the fuck are you doing?! Don’t add the onion, you moron, you’re gonna ruin it! The recipe says no onion!” Izuku chastises, seeming like this is his fifth, maybe sixth time saying the same thing. It happens more and more that the blonde just gets lost in thought and has a hard time snapping out of it.
Nodding, Bakugo puts the onion aside. He hesitates for a moment, trying to figure out what he can use those bits on… maybe another recipe. It’s just half an onion, but he should probably use it today so it doesn’t go bad.
Midoriya huffs, frustrated, “Don’t just stand there! Do something!”
Now annoyed by the incessant yelling, Katsuki turns back on his friend, an exasperated look clear on his face.
It makes Izuku scoff and throw his hands up, walking around the breakfast bar they’re using. “Right. Make me the bad guy for getting frustrated. You’re the one not even moving”.
Before things can escalate, Kirishima walks in, and the switch has been successfully flipped. “Hey guys! Whatcha makin’?”
Izuku turns to smile half-heartedly (as he does nowadays) “Hey Kiri! We’re supposed to be making some fancy potato thingie but it’s a little more complicated than I thought” he laughs awkwardly.
“Complicated my ass, I got it! Okay?! Just grab the cheese and start grating, nerd. And if that French bastard comes around and tries feeding you again I’m blowing both of you up” Bakugo states in that usual gruff voice of his. Not a hint of the guilt that eats him up at night.
With a salute, Izu turns to do as he was told, “Yessir”.
“Ooh, can I try when it’s done?” Kirishima asks, hopeful.
“Sure!” exclaims Midoriya.
“Fuck off” grumbles Bakugo.
The duality makes the red-head chuckle, but he bids them goodbye with a raised hand and heads back out, “I’ll make sure nobody bothers you”.
Once the door swings closed, it’s back to empty silence.
“We should make shit for at least four people. Everyone always wants some and you always make too little” Izuku comments. “Is this enough cheese?”
Katsuki turns, assesses the three massive blocks of cheese and he shrugs. You know, as if to say, ‘I’m pretty sure that’s enough’ or ‘it should be enough’.
“The fuck does that mean?!” demands Midoriya, annoyed.
Sighing, Bakugo opts to be direct, “It’s fine. I’m not eating any”.
Izuku stares back, befuddled. “This is dinner” he states, but the blonde just stares back, “You haven’t eaten anything”. Again, duh. There’s a scoff and then, “What? Too good for some potatoes now?”
Opting to not reply, Katuski goes back to chopping potatoes.
——
It wasn’t all bad, that’s not what Bakugo’s implying.
Truly, their friendship was a lifesaver in the middle of a stormy ocean. They’d sleep in the same bed and calm each other down after nightmares. They’d know each other’s triggers and warn everybody else, they’d do each other’s homework if the other had a break down… they were there for each other.
But a part of Bakugo knew that this wasn’t healthy anymore. They’d get anxiety if the other wasn’t in the same room; they’d hole up together for days on end and talk to nobody. By the beginning of third year, he’d heard the teachers talk about “Midoriya and Bakugo’s codependent relationship”.
Aizawa insisted it was temporary, but Bakugo himself wasn’t so sure anymore.
At this point, he didn’t want his life to ever change. He dreaded having to get out of school and have to face the real world alone. He and Izuku have talked about apartments, but whenever they fight, Izuku will say “See?! This is why I should just move out alone!”
The idea terrifies Bakugo. So he’ll take stability while he can have it and be grateful it didn’t come sooner.
They’d been in Izuku’s room, solving some stupid equations that made no sense, when a knock snapped them out of their focus.
“Guys?” came Kaminari’s voice, poking his head in.
The nerd smiled, “Denki! Come in!”
“Sorry dude” he smiles apologetically, eyeing them both curiously. Probably because these days, catching a sight of them outside is rare. “Just came to give you some paperwork in case you wanna apply to the exchange thingie for six months” Pikachu explains unnecessarily. “I’ll go ahead and leave yours too, Baku-bro”.
That makes Katsuki huff, “Not interested”.
“Cool” Denki awkwardly remarks, “You can just write that where it says if you wanna participate or not bro”.
“Got it. Go away” Bakugo demands, essentially shooing off his own friend. It always feels so intrusive when other people come in their space.
Pikachu takes it in stride, anyway, “You’re welcome dudes!”
“Bye Denks!” Izuku calls behind him as the door shuts, enthusiasm leaving his body the moment that lock clicks again. They go back to the silence and the homework until, “You really don’t wanna?”
Bakugo looks up, questioning eyebrow quirked.
“Apply for the exchange program, dumbass! What else?!” Midoriya huffs.
The blonde’s eyes flick to the table where the paperwork lays and back, firmly shaking his head.
This seems to anger Izuku for some reason, “Why not?!”
There’s a million reasons why not, but above all else, “The fuck’re we gonna do if we’re not sent to the same place?” In his opinion, at this point in his life the last thing he fucking needs is a new town with new people and new evils and not enough intel to properly protect himself.
“We can’t be sent to the same place, it’s not allowed” Izuku says matter-of-factly. Probably some of the info Aizawa dumped on them today.the blonde wouldn’t know, he didn’t pay attention to all that shit.
“Exactly” he shrugs, going back to his homework. “Better just stay here. We’ve got a system”. And they do. From sleeping in alternating rooms to doing their collective laundry, they’ve found a way to subsist together that works. They have a system. A balance… Why mess with it?
This settles Izuku momentarily, and they go back to their homework. The question, however, unsettles something deep within Bakugo, because he spends the rest of the day hyper aware of his surroundings. It’s why he catches the nerd scratching at his own wrists a while later, and he reaches out to stop that. “You’re gonna get nasty scars” he states calmly.
For Izuku, it was a declaration of war. He swats at Katsuki’s hands, even throwing a couple kicks to keep him away, scratching rebelliously at his wrists again. “So what?! It’s my skin! I’ve got a billion scars already, what does it matter?!”
“So what?!” Bakugo huffs, “So I have enough having to justify to everyone why you wear long sleeves in summer! Just let it heal!”
——
A couple weeks later, things have been as they usually are. Not good, not bad. Not much of anything. They’re getting ready to sleep in Izuku’s room this time, when the nerd sighs loudly, as if trying to get Bakugo’s attention.
As soon as the blonde turns, Izu comes out and says it, “I got accepted”.
Katsuki’s mind is completely blank. He just stops searching for a pair of shorts altogether and stands up, face filled to the brim with questioning cues.
“For the exchange” Izuku almost whispers. The world screeches to a halt. “I’m going to Spain. For six months”.
What follows is a silence so deafening, it hurts Bakugo’s ears. He’s paralyzed on that spot in the middle of this All Might themed room, unable to take a proper breath.
The silence seems to irk Midoriya too, because he sits up, annoyed and defensive already, “Say something, for fuck’s sake! Anything!”
It’s as if the words jumpstart a panic attack. Not full on, Bakugo’s way too emotionally constipated for that, but his breaths come quick and shallow, and his vision starts swimming.
“Seriously?!” Izuku huffs, sounding disappointed, “You’re gonna have a panic over this?! It’s just six months!”
For the first time ever since the war, the only thought on Bakugo’s mind was that he needed to get the fuck away from Izuku Midoriya right the fuck now. They couldn’t be in the same room if he wanted to ever breathe deeply again. So, without a second thought, he walked out of the room and went to lock himself on his own.
Of course the nerd followed, he wasn’t just gonna take that reaction lying down. But being as he couldn’t yell where everyone could listen out in the hallway, after a while he went back into his own room.
That’s when the texts started.
>> Izu: Seriously?!
>> Izu: Youre being overdramatic
>> Izu: Youre always all ‘oh I’m so sorry I was a bitch when we were little Izuku’
>> Izu: But when it comes to actually being a GOOD FRIEND
>> Izu: And BEING THERE FOR ME
>> Izu: And SUPPORTING ME
>> Izu: All you’ve got is nothing?! You just up and leave?!
The notifications came one after the other, but Bakugo did get the gist of it. It’s why he decided to throw his phone aside and at the very least have his crisis in peace. And so he did. Next morning, ashamed and afraid of what he’d done, he read the rest.
Turns out, an hour after the initial text-dump, Izuku started texting again.
>> Izu: This is exactly why I wanna leave
>> Izu: I can’t stand this
>> Izu: I’m so fucking mad all the time and you just don’t say anything
>> Izu: I can’t take this anymore
>> Izu: I can’t keep being like this
>> Izu: I need a break
>> Izu: You need a break
>> Izu: I’m not trying to be mean, Kacchan
>> Izu: I just can’t be here right now
>> Izu: I can’t go out and be in school and do all this shit and know I’m still a quirkless nobody that wants to jump off a cliff
>> Izu: I didn’t do it to hurt you
>> Izu: I was mad before, please come back
>> Izu: Please
>> Izu: I’m sorry
That morning, Bakugo waited for his best friend out in the corridor, and without another word, they went to class. They didn’t discuss what happened. Things were back to normal.
Except that the goddamned exchange was now hanging above their heads. It was a wordless agreement that each would deal with their part of it separately. On his own, Katsuki tried his best to deal with his panics whenever he thought about being left alone. And every once in a while, after particularly horrible nightmares, Izuku would say stuff like ‘I don’t think I can leave without you’.
But they both knew he could. He could leave. He needed to. Japan seemed to have healed wounds that the two of them felt so fresh still, it was suffocating to be surrounded by people that forgot so easily. Bakugo understood. But for some reason, he didnt feel like leaving was the answer for him.
So he’d stay. And Izuku would go. And the world would keep spinning.
——
They had around two months to get ready for the exchange. After the initial disagreement about it, and everything going back to normal, they worked separately on assimilating that the exchange was a fact. It was happening.
In Bakugo’s mind, two months were more than enough to make his peace with that imminent solitude awaiting him. The texts from that day ran on his mind in loop: ‘I can’t be here right now’ ‘I need a break ’. There was always that traitorous part of him that was tempted to sabotage this whole exchange thing, convince Izuku he couldn’t do it.
It’s true, he’s been selfish all his life. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and he always strived to be the one to fear. Empathy was for those that were asking to die. But after everything he’s put Izuku through… maybe this is the time where he decides to be selfless for once and just let Izu go. Out of everyone involved in the war, his best friend was the one that lost the most. He deserves that break.
When the day comes, as un-ready as Katsuki felt, he was the picture of nonchalance. By this point, he’d become quite the adept actor.
Midoriya was bid adieu with claps and cheers and tears, and everyone made sure to send him their good wishes. When the whole fanfare at UA was done with, they grabbed the two suitcases into Bakugo’s car.
They drove to Mrs. Midoriya’s next, where an entire river of tears took an hour to wash them back out. It was touching and sweet and way too much to handle. The blonde had enough foresight to get out of there quickly and leave them to it, to avoid getting emotional himself.
Goodbyes over with, Izuku joined him in the car and they headed straight for the airport.
Bakugo was unsure if he’d get a heartfelt goodbye or not. After all, he’s one of the things Izuku was running from. It’s clear he won’t exactly be missed. To be honest, he doesn’t want a goodbye. It’s best if things are left tense, isn’t it? That way, texts will be sparse, and he’ll get a real taste of that solitude he’s so afraid of. He’ll get to confront himself head on and get over it quickly enough.
He hasn’t said one word on the road. Afraid of being manipulative, selfish or hurtful, or all of the above, he’s opted to just shut the fuck up. Who knows? Maybe one last stupid word is all it would take for Izuku to get mad and not return. Ever. Silence is his best bet.
A couple miles out from the airport, the nerd asks to pull over near a field that extends as far as the eye can see. Over it, a couple beautiful mountains and the sunsets peaking in between. The request is odd, and Katsuki’s a little scared of what’s happening, but Midoriya just gets out of the car and settles his back against the closed door.
Confused, Bakugo follows. They stay there, just staring at the sunset, and still words aren’t coming. Should he say goodbye? Is that manipulative?
Reaching down, Izuku laces their fingers together and sighs, prompting the other boy to nearly have a stroke.
All this time, in all of their comforting and coexisting, not once had they ever crossed the line. It was all strictly friendly. Platonic. They slept in the same bed but on separate sides, never once touching. Or rather, they touched when necessary, but things as hugging and holding were only for extreme cases of panic attacks and such.
Lacing their fingers was… new.
“Say something” Izuku demands quietly.
Right. Like he hasn’t tried to say something for the past three hours? It’s not that simple. Bakugo just leans his face to the opposite side, ashamed that he can’t think of anything.
“Say something” the nerd begs, and this time, his voice quivers.
What can he say? The blonde just wants to rip this bandaid already and cry over this loss in peace. He doesn’t want to drag this out any more than he needs to. He doesn’t wanna talk about it. If he’s gonna lose his only anchor in this life, he wants it to be quick.
“Please…” now the idiot is properly crying, or at least he sounds extremely emotional, which gets Bakugo’s attention. “Tell me you’re gonna wait for me” he pleads, squeezing his eyes shut and lowering his head, lip trembling. “Tell me it’s gonna be okay…” he sniffs, “Tell me that you don’t hate me for leaving”.
“I don’t hate you” Katsuki said clearly, he didn’t even think about that one. He could at least say that.
Turning with hopeful eyes filled with unshed tears, Izuku almost seems like the dumb little idiot that came into UA a couple years ago. “You don’t?”
Bakugo shakes his head and gulps, “Go. Experiment. Be free from all the shit memories here, Izu. Take a breath”. It feels like pulling out teeth, “You deserve it”. The nerd smiles brightly, tears spilling one after the other in an endless loop of heartbreak. “I’ll be here when-“ he sighs, “I’ll be here if you ever come back”.
Izuku throws himself at Katsuki, hugging him tightly, “I’m gonna miss you so much”.
The words make the blonde’s eyes sting, but he pushes the sensation aside. “Yeah… me too”.
Pulling back and wiping his face down with his sleeve, the nerd starts his ranting, “You’re gonna text me, right? Everyday? It’s only seven hours later, we can manage! We text everyday already, it’s not like it’s gonna be hard”.
“Sure”
“And let’s call! Or video call, that’s better. I know you don’t love the camera but humor me, okay?” Izu continues, not moving back an inch.
“Yeah, whatever” Bakugo mutters, still feeling like he can’t process what’s happening. He feels wrong.
Midoriya either doesn’t care or doesn’t notice, “I already figured out the perfect time! If I get to my morning class a little late we can talk for like an hour after you finish classes!” When the blonde only seems to roll his eyes at that, Izuku insists, “Promise!”
“Fine! Goddamn…” Bakugo gulps, “I promise”.
At that moment, the green-haired teen smiles up at Katsuki with an unreadable expression, and stares with intent. After a few moments of uncomfortable staring, he mutters between them, “You’re my best friend, Kacchan”. That’s what he was thinking? Fucking duh. “Nobody’s ever gonna take your spot”.
That’s gotta be laughable. Does Izuku not realize that’s the whole point of this? Leaving and finding something better than the recycled hurtful bullshit he has back at home? “Don’t worry about that, you idiot. Just go and take care of your stupid self. Don’t even think about me or anyone else in goddamned Japan. Focus on you”.
Izu laughs and rolls his eyes, “Yeah right”.
That’s all he says. Bakugo doesn’t understand what those two words mean, but regardless, his best friend leaves Japan as planned.
——
Believe it or not, those six months were… not as bad as Bakugo thought they’d be. Or at least, they got better as time went by.
First week was agony. Truly. He grew afraid of falling asleep, became a recluse, stopped going to class and refused to talk to anyone. Aizawa came in at one point and tried to talk, but Katsuki knew he seemed completely despondent. He had nothing to say… After three days of not sleeping, he really had nothing to give.
It was also hard at first because Izuku didn’t really keep up his enthusiasm to remain in touch. At least not that first week. That day he landed in Spain, they didn’t hear a word. Those calls the bastard seemed so desperate for? Not necessary, apparently.
Bakugo was devastated.
On that first week, where Midoriya was still adjusting to his new life and friends, their communication was scarce, and so Bakugo got away with a lot when they texted. His responses were robot-like. Rehearsed. Clearly fake. It was evident he was trying to just uplift Izuku’s spirits without saying how he really felt.
His best friend wasn’t gonna get the blonde out of this one. He was on his own. Alone.
… or so he’d thought.
He’d forgotten that, even in spite of two-ish years of mostly neglecting them, he still had friends. They were there. They cared, they worried, they were terrified Bakugo wouldn’t snap out of this.
So, with all the faith in the goddamned universe, they barged in his room one day. It was the perfect storm kind of scenario. Izuku hadn’t written all day yesterday, was probably asleep already, it was 7 am in Japan and Bakugo hadn’t been able to sleep even a wink… Today was Tuesday. They’d watch All Might movies on Tuesdays. But not today…
When Mina, Denki, Kirishima and Sero piled in his room and made a vaguely phrased question about what was going on, Katsuki just couldn’t keep it in anymore. He completely broke down. After nearly half an hour of comforting and gently coaxing him, the blonde finally finds the words to explain.
And when he finds them… he tells them everything.
About his past with Izuku, the way things shifted after the war, his issues, their toxic dynamic, how he didn’t wanna worry his best friend and manipulate him into coming back, how he felt so lost now that the idiot was gone.
To their credit, not even the stupidest among them cracked a smirk. Denki understood the gravity of the situation and seemed genuinely concerned. They listened with all their attention, let him tire himself out and even excused all of their group out of classes, explaining to Aizawa what was going on.
By the end of it, instead of saying a bunch of stupid nonsense that wouldn’t change anything, they all held the hurt with him. That’s it. They just… stayed. Mina sat beside him and went in for a hug.
It was so surreal and yet, it was the first time he felt genuine comfort from someone that wasn’t Izuku. He still wondered if now his friends thought differently of him… if they were ashamed, disappointed… if they thought him a failure… but if they did, they didn’t give any signs.
Instead, Kirishima used the spare key ‘Midobro’ left him and grabbed the All Might movies. They made popcorn, brought some real food for Bakugo to have, and after literally sticking four different mattresses in his room, they had a marathon.
Yeah.
It didn’t stop there either. They started to sleep around Bakugo, too. And if they couldn’t, or didn’t feel up to it, they’d make sure he wasn’t alone for long.
Feeling this unconditional support and the ease with which they’d all felt inclined to help, it was healing. Katsuki was genuinely grateful to have the friends he does, and he started actively trying to get involved in their lives, in their conversations, in their stupid meaningless banter.
He started tutoring the four of them. Got them to up their grades substantially, and started to cook for them every day. It was a good distraction and a way to say thanks.
This symbiosis started generating results when one day, when no one could sleep with Bakugo for some reason… it turned out fine. He survived. Then another night, and another night. Eventually, their system shifted, and Bakugo only needed company from time to time. So he’d be the one to sneak into one of their rooms if he ever had a nightmare. And even those eventualities became few and far between as the months went by.
In five months, Bakugo managed to start getting better. Not only about being alone and his sleep schedule, but about other things too…
“Finally!” crackles Izuku’s voice over the phone, “I called like eleven times!”
Bakugo rolls his eyes, “Five. And I was busy. I told you I’d call you”.
“Busy with what?!” came the defensive reply of someone that refused to listen to reason.
“What’re you, a baby?! I’m here!” he snaps lightheartedly, managing a small smirk. Izuku looks good. They haven’t seen each other in a long while, and maybe that’s why every subtle change is so noticeable. But it wasn’t just his appearance. The brooding teen Katsuki knew slept beside him a while ago was nothing like the bright-eyed idiot that was barely containing his excitement. “Fine. What’s the gossip?”
The camera is fumbled every which way before it settles on Izuku’s face, framed a lot closer than before, “Oh my goodness gracious almighty, Kacchan! You’re not gonna believe this! You called it, and you’re not gonna believe it! Remember Catalina?”
He remembers everyone. For safety reasons. If Izu gets even a cold from the same people Katsuki’s gonna make sure to have the full name, age and description of the bastard that made his best friend suffer. “Blonde bitch, hair to her ankles, resting bitch face?”
Midoriya blinks and then looks away shyly, “I mean- I can’t argue that but for the record, I don’t wanna be mean…”
That makes Bakugo smirk, “Right”.
“Anyway-“
It was liberating… Bakugo could talk. Words weren’t as hard to find. Sometimes they even came out naturally. They didn’t talk much about this huge change, though. He and Izu stopped talking about heavy stuff ever since he left. A natural shift, perhaps. Part of the idea was to stop relying so much on each other, right?
If Izuku noticed that their conversations were feeling more and more like how they used to be before the war, he never said anything.
——
With the six month mark two weeks away, as desperate as Bakugo was to broach the subject, he couldn’t bring himself to.
Thank fuck he didn’t even have to. If he’d been pathetically missing Izuku, the nerd-squad of friends were doing ten times worse. Pink Cheeks would approach Katsuki every Monday and get teary eyed while keeping count of the weeks he’s been away for crying out loud. And she’s the one that handles it better than the rest. TurboBoy has been tweaking ever since he lost one of his soldiers.
But it was the stupidest, bluntest, most out of pocket idiot from that group that eventually asked the million dollar question.
“-and he had this HUGE-“ Izuku’s startled out of his tirade, “Todoroki-kun!” The greeting was directed at the not-at-all-subtle dumbass literally poking his head in between Bakugo and his phone.
“More gossip?” Icyhot guesses, as if he hadn’t been listening in for the past fifteen minutes. Katsuki begged TurboJerk to get his boyfriend the hell away from here, but it was useless.
Izuku laughs, “I’m calling you next to tell you the whole story!”
Right. Reward his moronic stalking behavior, that makes sense. “Awesome” replies Half-n-Half, irking Katsuki with the invasion of his personal space.
Eventually he snaps and pushes the prick away, “Fuck off, IcyHot!”
There’s a beat and then the bastard leans in again, right over the blonde’s shoulder, “Anyways, Midoriya. I wanted to ask you something”.
“Do it when he’s not busy talking to me!” Bakugo huffs, trying to move to the other end of the couch and realizing it’s really not gonna help.
Izuku seems amused, “Shoot”.
“When exactly are you coming back?” the trauma child asked, point blank, and Bakugo froze where he sat. He hadn’t been ready for that conversation, he’s been putting off that exact topic for weeks now.
Why? Simple.
He’s heard everything about Izu’s life over there. Everything. And as much as it pains Katsuki to admit it, it sounds like he’s had the time of his life. He’s happy, stable, he’s done so much growing in so little time… he can anticipate already what’s gonna happen. An awkward pause, maybe a meek and awkward ‘oh’, and then an explanation of why he’s gonna extend his time over there a little bit.
Even when they both know it’s not gonna be a ‘little bit’.
The nerd’s pause is long enough that Bakugo becomes aware of his own heavy breathing and how it resonates against the walls of the common room. “Oh…” comes through the phone, and then Izuku moves to scratch the back of his neck. Fuck. “Well, it was gonna be a surprise but I’m realizing Kacchan’s probably gonna have to go get me ‘cause my mom doesn’t have a car and all…” the blonde blinks, not understanding, “But I’m coming back next week. Well. In six days and like ten-ish hours”.
As expected, Icyhot doesn’t realize how important this is, “Why not spend the last week you have over there?”
That does prompt Katsuki to blast his nemesis halfway across the room. “Are you a moron?!” he demands between his teeth. Snapping his head back to the phone, he demands “Are you serious?!”
“W-Was that Todoroki-kun you just-?” Izuku asks hesitantly.
Bakugo shakes the phone pretending it’s his best friend’s neck he’s throttling, “ANSWER ME!”
“It’s for real!” Midoriya announces, smile growing bigger and bigger, “Surprise!”
His euphoria starts to mix in with some familiar bitter feelings, and the blonde’s smile falters, “Why?”
That prompts Izu to scoff, “Oh, I dunno, ‘cause I MISS MY MOTHER AND FRIENDS?! WHY ELSE?!” he laughs hysterically.
“But you love it there” is all Bakugo can think to say.
“Not enough to leave my mother forever, Kacchan, Jesus! I need my home!” the nerd says with such conviction. Katsuki chooses to believe him for a second, smiling at the phone.
In his shock, he doesn’t do much of anything when IcyHot swipes his phone and starts walking to the other couch, “So about the gossip…”
“Wait- where’s Kacchan?”
Bakugo was left in that couch, head in his hands, feeling euphoric and ashamed at the same time. Is he selfish? For being glad he’s one of the many reasons dragging Izuku back to Japan? He can’t wait to see him again, but is he all that welcome when he’s one of the reasons his friend had to leave?
——
Going to the airport was a goddamned ordeal and a half. All of class 3-A decided they wanted to go pick him up, so they crammed into different cars and all rode together to wait for his flight to land. Amongst all of them, the only one dreading that flight touching the ground was Bakugo himself.
He couldn’t even wrap his mind around what that reunion would be like. Everyone including his mother would greet him first, he’d remember his reasons for coming back to this hellhole, and then he’d notice Katsuki there. Waiting.
Would there be a hug? A nod? An acknowledgment? How much had things changed after six months?
Mina assured him nothing had changed, citing that their relationship had healed if anything of a lot of the bullshit that made it toxic. Izuku called him daily on those last few months, wouldn’t miss that call for the world, they told each other everything, and, in her words, “The way that boy looks at his phone… one would think he’s looking at his crush, Kats”.
Understandably, Bakugo didn’t believe a world out of her alien mouth.
He just dreaded it in silence, and hoped to god he didn’t do something embarrassing in the middle of an airport. Like beg for a hello. Or get upset because Izuku didn’t even notice him there. He shouldn’t care about that shit, dammit, he’s Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight. What does he care if a nerd remembers him or not?!
And yet, when they announced that the flight had landed, the great Hero Dynamight started sweating bullets.
That airport scene… it caught him a lot of flack for a couple weeks. Their friends didn’t dare say much of anything in front of Izuku, but whenever they caught Bakugo alone, they started teasing about that ‘rom-com’ reenactment they performed in the goddamned middle of Shizuoka Airport.
As soon as Izuku came out, it’s as if he had a radar for “Kacchans” because the one he spotted immediately was none other than Katsuki, nearly hiding behind everyone else.
But catching each other’s eyes? After months of not being able to do anything more than talk over the phone or text? It snapped something in both of them, simultaneously.
Izuku dropped his luggage and started running, and Bakugo knew to shoulder his way through their friends and step forward. They collided in a very dramatic embrace, and Katsuki even lifted his friend off the floor, refusing to let go even when they were very clearly blocking the way. Izu cried, the blonde couldn’t utter a word the rest of the day….
They only broke the hug because Mrs. Midoriya joined in, and the three of them held each other tightly.
For a couple weeks after that, Bakugo had the uncomfortable task of assuring his idiot friends that that stupid hug meant nothing wild. He’d try to illustrate with his whole arsenal of curse words that it was whatever, but to no avail. At the end of the day, he would just rest assured in the fact that Izu didn’t think it was weird.
It was a bit of an adjustment, this return. Like, it was a bit weird to have his best friend right there and yet choose to sleep alone, for example. They tried to be more independent too, with Bakugo giving the nerd his space to catch up with his nerd friends, catch up with school work, and go stay all weekends with his mom to make up for lost time.
Was it a little odd? Yeah. But oddly enough, the constant texting and daily calls (when they weren’t together) didn’t stop. Katsuki had no clue how to feel about that.
It was all going quite well, until the time came when Izuku met him just outside his room early in the morning, and after gulping and looking shifty as fuck, sighed. “We actually need to talk, Kacchan… For real”. Talk, huh? So early? How did he fuck up now? He was trying to be so careful…
They set up a place and a time, outside of UA, to go by themselves and figure whatever this is out.
Bakugo didn’t think about it up until the day before, and then he freaked like he hadn’t in a good while. Mina was called immediately, being that she was the one always able to give him the best of pep talks (even if they were stupid). She reminded him he did nothing wrong this time. And suggested Izuku probably had a lot on his mind after their break, so he must want to set some things straight so they can move on.
“Come on, Kats, he doesn’t hate you. We both know it. This is something else, something good!” she insisted enthusiastically.
“Something good like dumping our friendship so he doesn’t have to relive his bullying over and over again?” Bakugo mutters, starfished over her psychedelic sheets, wondering why having cucumbers over his eyes is helping. It shouldn’t help. But it is.
Pinky sighs, “No, dummy! Look, you said it yourself. You guys never talked about the important stuff. It was bad and you never got to work through a lot of things… maybe he wants to change that”.
“What am I supposed to do if he brings up every fucking thing I ever did to him?” Katsuki wonders, worried half to death.
Smoothing the wrinkles over his nose, the alien thinks for a second. “Do whatever comes from the heart, Kats. Say what you mean. He just wants some closure, and sometimes all you need is a genuine ‘I’m sorry’. You deserve some closure too, about a lot of stuff”.
Growling but not moving, Bakugo just mutters, “Fuck me”.
Ready or not, the day finally came.
They went to a coffee shop that seemed somewhat empty, because they sold shitty cheap coffee for shitty poor college students that must be in class right now. They sat down and immediately, Bakugo gets that familiar sensation in his throat. The one that tells him words won’t be easy to come by.
“So…” Izuku smiles awkwardly, wringing his hands together. He’s nervous. “Kacchan…” he nearly whispers, expression turning sad for some reason. Katsuki can only gulp. “I, uh…” he sighs, pressing his lips together, “There’s a lot of things I wanna say, but the first one is, um…” their eyes meet, “I’m so sorry”.
Bakugo reels, and swears he hears an audible record scratch. “What?”
“I said-“
“No I heard!” the blonde insists, anger bubbling up even though he doesn’t understand why. “Sorry about what?! Shut the fuck up- what are you even apologizing for?! No!”
Well those words came outta nowhere.
Izuku looks around them, at the student all the way in the back that looked up from her laptop to stare at them, “Kacchan, breathe…”
Katsuki does exactly that, but feels like he’s teetering over some kind of edge either way. “Don’t apologize for no reason, what the hell?” he shoots back, a little calmer, “You didn’t do anything wrong!”
That wasn’t true and they both knew it. Why Bakugo felt so defensive about that little fact, it was something he’d have to look at closely later. Or never.
Regardless of his shock at hearing those words, Midoriya seems determined to say what he came here to say. With a frown that almost seemed weighed down by shame and hurt, he said “I get that you got mad at me for saying that but could you please hear me out here? I’ve been wanting to say this for months”.
The blonde bites the inside of his lip and nods, agreeing to at least hear the idiot out.
With a deep breath, Izuku reset his speech, “After I lost One for All… everything became dull and meaningless. Even when I said what I said to you in the hospital, I knew I felt empty now. I was mad, confused… and it all brought back memories from middle school…
Bakugo lowers his head, a sign of apology.
“Not just- not just because of that , I mean because of everything. Being quirkless back then meant I couldn’t possibly do what I loved and be happy, I couldn’t help anyone. Back then I felt lost, and after the war, that feeling came back times a million” the green-haired teen explained.
It was still hard not to melt into a puddle of self-deprecation whenever middle school was mentioned, but at least this time, he was trying to focus on following whatever Izuku was trying to say.
“It felt like I went back to square one, kind of… so I got bitter and angry” the nerd explains, voice growing rougher, “…and you were there”. Curling in on himself, Izu breaks eye contact, “I used you as my punching bag” he admitted, “And I know in the moment, I thought I was just… I dunno, I thought I was giving back what you gave me. It was revenge”.
A well deserved one, in Bakugo’s eyes.
Another deep breath, and then, “Our friendship was something really toxic, Kacchan” Midoriya declared, turning back up to meet his eyes. “I was hitting you, calling you names, I’d get annoyed if you had nightmares and I treated you like shit when you cried…”
Nothing Katsuki didn’t do first, so he doesn’t really see the problem.
“Remember when I asked why you did all the bullying and stuff and you said ‘to feel superior’?” Bakugo nods, feeling like the biggest jerk. “I feel like I was ten times worse. I just did it to hurt somebody. To hurt you … I wasn’t gonna stop at you feeling my pain, I wanted you to suffer for no reason…”
Getting irked, the blonde shakes his head dismissively as he shrugs, “So? It’s fine. I’m fine”. His point was that, if Izuku wanted to use this as a reason to break off their friendship, then he had to keep looking.
“It’s not fine!” Izu insisted, leaning over the table and reaching out, as if to grab Katuski’s hand, but thinking better of it at the last second. “Look, I told a friend back in Spain some of what I’ve been through… they connected me with a therapist”.
At that, Bakugo does roll his eyes, hard . He was offered a therapist after the war, they all were. And despite denying himself one like most of his friends did, the old hag forced him to at least try one session. And he did. The bastard heard some of what he’d been through and tried to convince him that he’d been a “victim” in this whole war. A victim . Instead of an incompetent piece of shit.
Fuck therapists.
“I know, okay?!” Izuku sighs, rolling his eyes. “I know you don’t like them, but I needed it. I still need it” he states, “I’ve been getting better at handling my own shit, and I feel like myself again”. Well… it’s not like Katsuki can argue against that. “I’m not gonna make you go to a therapist too, it’s gotta be on your own time… I just realized…” the hesitation piques the blonde’s curiosity, “I realized you’re the most important person in my life, okay?”
The silence that follows is uncomfortable.
“After my mom” Izu clarifies. When all he gets back is more staring, he continues. “I don’t wanna keep abusing you, that’s the point. And I don’t plan to go back to you abusing me either, that’s not- I want us to have a normal relationship! I-“ he exhales sharply, “I wanna have marathons and gossip about our friends, and move in together when school’s over like we planned, and fight over what cereal to buy…”
The lopsided smile on his best friend’s face makes Bakugo yearn with desperation.
“I wanna do all that without any yelling or saying mean shit or kicking or hurting each other” Midoriya concludes, staring back expectantly.
After freaking out for five whole seconds about what to say, he settles with the stupid answer of: “Okay. Yeah. We can… we can do that”.
Izuku smiles wider, “I know we can” he declares with certainty, “But I needed to apologize first”. Bakugo tries to roll his eyes again and scoffs, but he doesn’t get away with it this time either, “You did that, too, remember? You apologized . A billion times. And it meant the world to me… even if I didn’t realize. You showed me you were sorry, and I wanna do the same for you”.
“I got the memo. You’re sorry for no real reason. Move on” Katsuki tries to conclude, but all he manages is to get Izu to cover his face with his hands and chuckle. “What?”
“I forgot what it felt like to wanna throttle you” the nerd smirks, peeking between his fingers to find Bakugo smirking too.
“That’s more like it” the blonde remarks.
Izuku stares for a couple more seconds, “I missed you so much”.
For some reason, that earnest statement and the sentiment behind it, feel like they were suffocating Katsuki for a moment. “Yeah… same…”
The conversation lasted hours. This little snippet was just the beginning. Seemed like Izu had a very clear sense of what they needed to negotiate in terms of rules and boundaries to have this thing between them to work even better than before.
Bakugo agreed to a bunch of things, most of which came from the heart: no lying at all, always notifying if he wasn’t feeling right to one of his closest friends, taking care of his sleep schedule and his eating habits, always finding a time to say if something pissed him off instead of swallowing it down.
By the end of it, Midoriya skipped out of that coffee shop like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
On his part, Katsuki didn’t feel as hopeful. Amidst all those vows he made out loud, there was one he made in the privacy of his mind. After all that growing, that maturing, after finding his true self again and realizing what he wants and what he needs…Izuku needed to move on.
Move on from his past, from the bullying, the quirklessness, the sadness and the anger. The distance has helped quite a bit, and he tried to remain hopeful that all the progress wouldn’t be undone now that the nerd was back.
He couldn’t exactly send his friend back to Spain, but what he could do to give him back some of that distance that was so helpful, was stand back.
Izuku needed to move on from their friendship. He’d clearly outgrown it.
So, in an act of what could only be called pure unadulterated self-hatred, he started plotting to sabotage crucial parts of their planned future together, to force Izu to realize that his place in this world was somewhere else.
His success rate? Let’s not talk about that…