If I'm Gonna Know You, I Gotta Control You.

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Explicit

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Homestuck

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English

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Part 1 of Vent Works Next Work →

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Published:: 2025-05-02
Updated:: 2025-06-24
Words:: 3,140
Chapters:: 5/?
Comments:: 8
Kudos:: 15
Hits:: 473

Summary:

Projecting onto Dave because holy fuck I miss my groomer and I think I might kill myself .
If you're one of my two friends who have my account on here, you can read this but it's literally just me projecting and has a lot of stuff I never talk about with you guys.

Notes:

This fic was written by a victim of sexual assault as a coping mechanism. Names of real people will not be used. Enjoy it or don't, I just need to let out my feelings here. If anyone knows any tips for coping with this shit or dealing with stockholm syndrome please tell me /srs

Chapter Text

Every day is the same. Not in the sense of, "My life is so boring!" More like, "I have consistent breakdowns because I start sobbing the moment anything reminds me bad shit." Honestly, you're pathetic. You need to get over yourself, you got molested by the same girl twice. So many people deal with that daily, you have no right to complain. Especially because you still defend her, who the hell does that? It's not any better than supporting one of those Minecraft Youtubers who are attracted to minors like two opposite ends of a magnet. You gain nothing from this but a bunch of fake affection and a shit-ton of guilt. For Christ's sake, she's four years older than you. What 12 year old dates a 16 year old? Degenerate ones, that's who. You know she's grooming you. You are very aware of this fact, yet you choose to brush it off like nothing. Sure, she asks you to send her pictures of you naked and she shows you her fresh self-harm cuts but it's okay! She means well, you swear.

Enough moping around. You can mopes later when you inevitably have another breakdown and play Fruit Ninja on your thighs. Your Bro isn't home right now so you have the house to yourself. 'House' as in small two bedroom apartment. Whatever, you have plenty of things to distract yourself with, like pestering your boyfriend, yeah let's go do that.

TurntechGodhead [TG] began pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: hey dude

TG: are you online rn or are you too busy bullying kids on chat forums

CG: WHILE I APPRECIATE YOU RECOGNIZING MY SKILLS, NO, I AM NOT.

TG: okay cool lmfao

TG: do you wanna come over or something

TG: bros not home

CG: NOT LIKE I HAVE OTHER PLANS I SUPPOSE.

TG: sweet

TG: see you

TurntechGodhead [TG] stopped pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG]

There you go, free distraction from your thoughts and quality boyfriend time, it's a win-win situation. Now you just have to wait for him. He was so much better than anything she could ever be. Even though he was loud and opinionated, he would never intentionally bring you harm of any sort. You could trust him, you didn't feel obligated to like him, you just did. It was nice to have someone who didn't constantly talk about getting off to you or breathe down your neck for pictures of you. You loved Karkat and you knew he loved you.

After 30 excruciatingly long minutes you heard a knock on the front door. You opened it and, as expected, were met with the troll. You gestured for him to come inside. You both made your way through the small apartment and into you room. You left your bedroom door open since Bro wasn't home. The two of you sat on the edge of your bed. You were chatting about random things, school, games, friends. If you said you forgot about her in the moment you would be lying. It always lingered in your head one way or another. You tried to push it all down, you weren't with her now, you were with Karkat, you're safe here.

Karkat seemed to have noticed your dissociation. He gently put his hand on your shoulder, bringing you back to reality. "You okay?" He asked, concern evident in his tone. You nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine, sorry about that." He definitely didn't believe the blatant lie but decided to drop it for now.

You both decided to watch a movie in the living room. You let Karkat choose one of his shitty rom-coms, even though they did suck. You sat on the couch, cuddled up against him. He was warm, he was comforting. You loved him to death. You didn't have the heart to tell him about her and what she had done to you. What if he thought you were gross? Repulsive? A bad partner for sending her all those pictures? He would hate you, no one could love someone as disgusting as you if they knew the truth. You just had to keep it all bottled up just like the rest of your emotions. Your cool-kid facade would continue for as long as it needed to.

Eventually you fell asleep while lying on Karkat. Karkat didn't mind, gently stroking your hair while you rested. You needed the sleep for sure, you only got 4 or so hours on a good night. Deprived would be an understatement. Your Bro came back from wherever he was, he didn't disturb you or Karkat, just went to his own room. By now the movie had ended and you were still sound asleep. Karkat nudged you awake, to which you groggily rubbed your eyes. "You missed the whole movie, idiot," Karkat teased. You just nodded, waking up properly always took you a minute. Karkat's face got a bit more serious, he cleared his throat before speaking again, "Dave, are you okay? I know you said you're fine but you've been so distant and out of it lately. I'm worried about you." His hand ran through your hair again as you thought of what to say. If you were honest he would hate you, if you lied he would be able to tell. You just sighed, finally replying, "I don't know anymore."

Chapter 2 Chapter Text

"You don't know?" Karkat raised an eyebrow at your vague attempt of a response. You just shrugged, you wished you could just spill it all, 'No I'm not fine I've actually been getting groomed for a while and also got molested by the same person twice! My mental health is crumbling and I might kill myself!' But no, you couldn't say any of it, not if you wanted to keep your boyfriend. Karkat wanted to press about it but knew you wouldn't give a straight answer. "Just, if you ever want to talk I'm here for you, okay?" You could tell he was genuinely worried and you felt like an asshole for brushing him off like this. "Thanks, but, I'm fine, don't worry about me, dude." You forced a small smile. "Okay then, well, I better get going before Kankri gets all worried. I love you, dumbass." He kissed you on the cheek before gathering up his stuff and leaving out the front door.

You were once again alone with your thoughts. You retreated back to your room, shutting the door quietly. Your laptop was flashing with a Pesterchum notification, god, you didn't have time for her-- Oh, it was only Rose. You felt a bit of disappointment and relief at that. You might as well answer her.

TentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Hello, Dave. Karkat has recently informed me that you may not be doing the best mentally at the moment? He seemed very concerned, would you like to talk?

TG: hes spewing some bullshit right there

TG: im perfectly fine

TG: the only thing wrong is my lack of sick beats to drop on you right now

TT: Denial is common when going through troubling times. You cannot lie to me, Dave.

TG: oh whatever fuck you

TG: if something was bothering me i wouldve totally said it

TT: And since when have you ever opened up to someone willingly?

TG: okay fine maybe im not that okay right now but im not going on a sob story rant on how my life sucks

TG: oh boo hoo the white boy has problems get out the fucking notebook for this therapy session

TG: if you want me to open up about feelings then go pester me at 2 am when im crying on the floor

TG: hypothetically crying that is

TT: I am inclined to share Karkat's worry. You seem a lot more self-depricating and depressed than usual.

TT: I'm not going to force you to do anything but if you do want to talk I can keep it between us.

TG: maybe

TG: ill probably end up friendless if i talk about my problems

TT: I assure you that is not true. I will leave you alone for now but my offer still stands.

TT: Goodbye, Dave.

TentacleTherapist [TT] stopped pestering TurntechGodhead [TG]

You weren't about to vent to Rose, what a stupid idea. Venting is cringe and for losers who want attention. Some people even write whole ass vent fan-fictions! This is unfathomably dumb and you hope to never encounter people who do that.

It wasn't like you enjoyed keeping your problems to yourself, you aren't that masochistic, but you figured no one wants to hear about them and they would think less of you for it. You had plenty of issues that you very much needed therapy for, but were you going to get said therapy? Fuck no. You can deal with all this yourself. Healthily deal with it? That's a lot to ask.

You lay on your bed, staring at your ceiling for what feels like an eternity. You could be doing something productive but you can't find the will to get up right now. What's the point? You roll onto your side and put on your headphones. Maybe you can just escape all this with sleep like you always do.

Chapter 3 Chapter Text

Sleep is a pathetic attempt of escapism. Your dreams still haunt you just as much as the real world. Everything feels like a constant reminder that you were never good enough to defend yourself from her. Trust feels like a foreign concept now, something you don't know if you'll ever re-learn. Guilt swallows you whole everytime you fuel her sick desires by playing along with whatever she wants. You don't know how to get yourself out of this mess. Do you even want to? Everything feels faded and out-of-body. Dissociation occured often with you, you've grown used to it by now. I mean, the feeling of not being yourself and just floating in an endless abyss of your thoughts has been there since she did it. You always told yourself that if anything like that happened to you that you would tell someone, you would fight back, but you didn't. You thought being educated on the issue would guarantee that you would never have to suffer through it. God you were so wrong. You didn't even notice that you had been crying this whole time.

A soft knock on your door interrupted the self-depricating moment you were having. "Come in," you mumbled, putting your headphones back onto the bedside table. Dirk entered the room quietly, turning on one of the lamps so there would be light but not enough to hurt your eyes. You two shared a room so it wasn't weird to see him but he was usually out a lot later. You didn't like how he had caught you mid sob-fest either. You tried to wipe your face of any tears, but it wasn't helping anything.

"Dave, why are you crying?" Dirk asked, his voice was pretty flat like usual but you could detect a hint of concern. You didn't want to answer that, but it was inevitable from your brother. "Just, not feeling great today," you mumble yet again. Dirk cocked his head, "Today? I can tell something's been bothering you for months now." You didn't want to say anything, your brother was the last person you wanted to hear this besdies Bro. You had to sooner or later though. "I hate myself, Dirk."

He just looked at you for a solid minute. It was hard to tell what he was thinking with his shades blocking his eyes. The silence was excruciatingly loud. You thought back to everything that had made you feel like this and they weren't things you really wanted to share. "You willing to elaborate on that today? I have time to listen," Dirk said with a bit more sympathy than usual. He may seem like some cool, edgy dude but he still cared about his brother quite a lot.

"Maybe, I don't know. I think I fucked up my life before even reaching 13," You mumbled, a few stray tears making their way down your cheek. Dirk sat on the edge of your bed, placing a somewhat comforting hand on your shoulder. "You can talk to me about it."

Chapter 4 Chapter Text

Recounting your memories is tough. Not to mention it took even more guts to say it all out loud. You suck it up though, telling someone is probably the best thing you could do right now. Bottling it all up just reinforced your suicidal ideation.

It began when you were 11, you had been depressed at the time. Your self-esteem was low and that's when you started indulging in self-harm. Long story short, Bro found out and you went to the psych ward for a while, it was some attempt to get you to quit hating yourself but it backfired completely.

You were very socially awkward so you didn't make any friends until someone came up and introduced themself. She was really fucking hot in your opinion, but you didn't say that out loud. She had been your first new friend here.

Within the day you two had become very close, sharing interests and just getting along really well. You also had some pretty shitty separation anxiety so you two convinced the staff to let you guys share one of the rooms. Harmless enough, you found it comforting and you also had a sweet new close friend. You got attached very easily, if someone gave you an ounce of physical affection or praise, you would become glued to them.

She honestly had been a bit creepy, you should've saw the warning signs sooner. She flirted with you occasionally, but you took it in a joking manner. You had to admit it did fluster you a bit though, she was really pretty.

It all ended that night, if you had known this one action would fuck you up for god knows how long you would've tried harder to fight against it. The staff left the room after they did a check to make sure neither of you were hurting yourselves. She started making advances on you that were really fucking weird. It was all a blur. You told her no, she persisted. You were practically frozen then, you could've screamed, kicked, cried, but you just froze and dissociated as she touched you in such wrong ways. You felt pathetic and gross for not doing anything to stop her besides a few "No"'s

When she was done there were no verbal acknowledgements of what had happened. She did kiss you though, that just made it all the worse. You didn't want to tell anyone what had happened, she hadn't threatened you but it still felt like an obligation to keep this as a secret. A really gross secret.

You tried to continue the next day as normal, pushing down all thoughts of last night. Unfortunately she would pull the same thing this night too. You sort of just accepted it, you didn't really want her to do it but this super gorgeous girl wanted you and it felt like a really fucked up confidence boost. You definitely fet sick afterwards though, that was inevitable.

The following day you would get discharged from the facility. There was a mix of emotions inside of you. You had even asked to stay longer at one point, but they said you seemed 'mentally well enough' to leave, probably because you lied anytime you were asked anything by the staff. They gave your Bro a whole safety plan thing that really just said, "Don't let him have sharp objects and make him take these useless prozac pills." Neither of those things you would listen to.

Home was better in a sense but you still missed her in a strange, overly-attached, way. She had been your closest friend there, how could you not want to see her again. She had given you her Chumhandle so you could add her after she was discharged, but that might take a while. You decided not to tell anyone about her at all, you knew what she did was wrong and thar if you told somebody they would try to make you get away from her. You weren't letting that happen.

Chapter 5 Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

When you were done explaing, Dirk just nodded. No big reaction, he knew you didn't want that. You both sat in a comforting silence, his hand on your shoulder as tears dripped down your face. You still hadn't told him about your chats on Pesterchum though, that would probably be too much though.

"Thank you for telling me this, Dave." Dirk's voice was soft, not wanting to cause anymore stress than you already had. You gave a small, "Mhm," while looking down at the floor of your room. What else was there to say? You admitted to being sexually assaulted by a girl 4 years older than you, wasn't much to add. "Please don't tell Bro about this," you said quietly, the last thing you needed was that. Dirk nodded, your secret would be safe. You breathed a sigh of relief at that, feeling a little bit better. Dirk ruffled your hair a bit before he said something, "It's okay to still like her, It's okay to not be a 'perfect victim.' What isn't okay though, is putting yourself into danger because you still like her, I don't want this happening to you again, I'm worried about you." You didn't expect such a sincere talk with your brother but it wasn't unwelcome. You nodded at his words despite the fact that you weren't sure if you would listen to his advice.

From then, he left you alone, which is what you wanted. He had gone to the living room to presumably work on his robot junk. Leaving you alone in the room once again. You think you probably told Dirk too much, but you had never said anything before so it did feel a bit relieving. That didn't mean you would tell other people though. Rose, John, Karkat, Jade, none of them would know about this, you couldn't predict how they would react and that was scary. You didn't want them to find you gross for it, but you also didn't want them to feel so bad they start treating you differently. It was also just a difficult thing to bring up while trying to not sound like an attention-whore. Which, you were an attention-whore, but you didn't like admitting it.

You really wished you could just feel better, you didn't want to go through years of therapy just to feel a sliver of hope in your life. None of it was fair, she got to be happy while you were stuck in this state of constant mental pain. You suppose that's just how life is, nothing was ever fair.

Notes:

Extremely short, sorry guys
I havent updated this in a while but I want to more often, its good at helping me with my feelings

Series this work belongs to:

Part 1 of Vent Works Next Work →

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elias0413, Tat0, becharleyisawesome, Athena413, thelovecatz, and Zolgo3 as well as 9 guests left kudos on this work!

Comments

BIZARRO (Guest) on Chapter 1 Mon 19 May 2025 02:16AM UTC

Dude, i havent read this yet, but please dont commit.
Idk who you are, but please don't give up on life.
I, myself, am feeling hopeless – i don't see no light at the end of the tunnel, but i'm still carrying on 'cause it's eventually gonna get better. You just gotta believe it, man. It's true. Your life isn't worth throwing away, you can still do good and live to feel/see nice things in this world.
And it starts with you. Seek out support, please!!!
You're not alone. You're not.
Because you have these feelings for her, it's more demanding, but you have to seek out for better friends. If you can't manage irl right now, then try online, might be easier. If you wanna, i can give you my discord tag or sum, just to talk it out.
I cope with my depression by listening to music, if that helps. Lady gaga does wonders for me, seriously.
I don't have or have ever had stockholm syndrome, however i have been sa'd too (as a child). Please DO NOT give in if the offender tries anything else, and find someone to talk to, is my advice. If you keep this sheiße to yourself it's worse.
Stay safe, please. I know it's hard, but please try to.

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Sonkinsnonk on Chapter 2 Mon 05 May 2025 04:35PM UTC

I don’t think there’s really anything I can say to make anything that you’ve experienced any better. Tags show how fucking terrible, and your misery is clear. when it happened to me I thought I was gonna die, and so I just, I just started texting people, and trying to talk to anyone, and yeah, it feels like nothing will ever improve, not ever. You can be mad. You can try to cope. And that’s ok. Anything you do that keeps you alive is infinitely better than giving in. I don’t even know you, but I know where you are, and I want you to stay alive. things keep going. And it hurts. And things are gonna hurt; but what happened wasn’t ok. Mixed feelings are normal, it seems she was your best friend. If you loved her, your brain will take time to comprehend how terrible your experience was. Now it’s confused, and you should try to give it grace. But you shouldn’t feel disgustin. It’s all on her, and I sincerely hope you can work through it. I might not know everything, but I can assure you time will go on, and someday you’ll be able to breathe again. It’s not ok now, but I hope you can handle it, at least until the world has some color again.

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1. aethersTarot on Chapter 2 Mon 05 May 2025 11:08PM UTC
  
  This actually means so much to me, thank you a lot
  
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2. 1. Sonkinsnonk on Chapter 2 Mon 05 May 2025 11:51PM UTC
    
    It’s just the way things are. Don’t hate yourself, honestly. Take that hate and fuel it, or at least try. Just keep making it through the day
    
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Zolgo3 on Chapter 2 Wed 07 May 2025 03:53AM UTC

Ah yes, the fun experience of being attached to someone who hurt you. Of having to sort through the nauseating mix of love and hate that comes with all the worst kinds of trauma. Of being unable to let go of people who are objectively terrible for you.
The classic <3
Truly, the human brain is without flaw /s
I wanna say it will get better, because more than often it does. But saying “there’s land nearby” when you’re surrounded by ocean is something that only does so much.
With any luck, you will be able to move past her, eventually. Or, at the very least, find safe ways to cope with the mark she’s left on you, such that you can leave her ass behind and live safely with the scars. It’s probably not gonna be pretty, but you’ll make it, and you will find people who support you the way you need them to. Just try and stay alive. You deserve that much.
I’ll be real, you’re probably gonna be fucked up for a while, maybe forever. It’s not the kind of thing that just goes away; it’s more like a weight that gets lighter and lighter as you learn to live with it, until eventually, maybe, it’s barely there at all. And the biggest challenge is going to be coming to terms with the fact that being fucked up is okay, and that you’re not a bad person for any fucked up shit you’re dealing with, or anything you’ve been through, or any thoughts you can’t help, or any ways you try and cope with all that. That’s a hard but important thing to remember, and it’s the truth.
So, I guess, try and remember that, okay?

Last Edited Wed 07 May 2025 04:01AM UTC

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1. Zolgo3 on Chapter 2 Wed 07 May 2025 04:36AM UTC
  
  You’re definitely doing good writing this tho. Fanfiction and art in general is a good tool for separating out and working through your personal feelings, which is really good when your feelings include dealing this kind of nauseating mix of hate, and love, and fear, and admiration, and desire, and disgust, and all the good and bad feelings that mix together in ways that make working through abuse like this a total fucking nightmare.
  Trauma art baybeeeeeee!! It works!!
  Being able to pick things apart and work through feelings in a controlled space will help you, possibly more than anything, if you let it.
  I’d keep it on the down low, ofc, because unless you’ve been through this kind of thing a lot of people just. Genuinely don’t understand, and people have a lot less empathy for the abused that don’t fit their preconceived mold, but know there are people who get you.
  You’re not a bad person for still being attached to her.
  You’re not a bad person still wanting to defend her, even if you know you shouldn’t.
  You’re not a bad person for missing her.
  You’re not a bad person for still being attracted to her. You’re not a bad person for wanting her back.
  You’re not a bad person for feeling like nothing without her.
  You’re not a bad person for being miserable, or hurt, or any degree of fucked in the head.
  You’re not a bad person for being messed up. Or, for having been messed up.
  You’re not. You’re not! And fuck anyone who says you are!
  Maybe you’ll stop and grow to hate her proper. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll never be able to bring yourself to hate her, no matter how objectively terrible to you she was, and you’ll always have some weird feelings for this girl.
  It doesn’t matter. Not really. Not as much as you or most people think. The important thing, the thing that actually matters, more than anything, is that you’re able to move the fuck on; that you’re able to put that behind you and keep living your life without her tying you up. That’s what matters most. That you’re able to get to a place where she can no longer hurt you, one way or another, and finding ways to keep yourself sane and alive. That you can leave her and what’s happened behind and never look back.
  Even if that means you’re gonna be stuck for a while trying to fix and fill the fucked up hole she’s left in you.
  Even if it means you’re stuck dealing with and living with leftover feelings you really don’t want.
  Even if you have to rely on messed up coping mechanisms just to get through the day; that’ll get you judged, and that you’ll probably have to go through a whole separate thing to deal with, or learn to live with, just because you have to deal with shit you never fucking asked for.
  Even if, no matter how hard you try, no matter how terrible the shit she’s done to you is, or maybe perhaps because of that terrible shit, you’ll always have some fucked up part of her in your mind. Or in your heart.
  And I know that sounds impossible, unlivable even, especially right now, but trust me, you’ll be able to do it. Give it time. Keep the self loathing at bay. Get a system that helps you cope. Get what you need to out of you. Just do whatever you gotta do to feel like a person again. Trust me, you’ll be okay. Just give it time. I promise, you’ll be okay.
  
  Last Edited Wed 07 May 2025 05:18AM UTC
  
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davekatenjoyer (Guest) on Chapter 4 Wed 14 May 2025 02:09AM UTC

I'm so sorry something so horrible happened to you. please know that someone WILL miss you if you do off yourself. I know this is just some random person an ao3 that was looking for a davekat fic, but I genuinely feel empathy for you, whoever you are. I hope you get better, and please talk to someone about this if it gets worse. what happened to you wasn't okay, and I hope you can heal from it. Writing more fanfics instead of cutting or considering suicide is a better way to cope. Please don't take your own life. Sending love and care. <3.

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afflictedAssignment (Guest) on Chapter 5 Thu 10 Jul 2025 12:20AM UTC

hey! i may not have experienced your exact situation, but i am recovering from long term sexual abuse from someone i had held in high regard/deep affection, so here's my two cents (:
don't frame yourself out to be the villain or the problem - you aren't. you never were. i say that in full confidence, and even if you blame yourself, i am someone who never will. saying no is more than enough. you don't have to be over-powered as an experienced black belt in twaekwondo by someone bigger, older, stronger, etc. to qualify as guiltless. never lie to yourself and say it was your fault.
at the end of the day, this is someone you trusted, and they took advantage of that. you don't even have to verbally say no to withdraw consent or make it very clear that you don't want something - we, as people, emote constantly, whether we're aware of it or not. your body is broadcasting how you feel about things in a million different ways. someone does not have to be dedicated to you or head over heels in love with you to read your body language and respect the boundaries you're putting out. as an example, i had a classmate for a lab who, entirely of his volition and without me ever saying a word to him, would knock on the table so the vibrations would give me advance warning of him approaching to say hi to me. i never spoke to this man outside of that class and we were merely acquaintances, but he would see how i would jump or flinch when he popped up in my space without my realizing, and he made adjustments to accommodate me.
good people do things like this. they read your language without you ever having to say a word, and they respect those boundaries. this is how it's supposed to be. you do not have to tell someone 'no' for them to know that pushing you is going against what you're comfortable with. saying 'no' is phenomenal - that is so very hard, and it takes a lot of courage - and it's entirely understandable to freeze up when someone disregards that because the first question you're asking is 'why?' why is someone doing this to you when you would never do the same?
it's not because you're bad, or didn't do enough, or weren't strong enough. it's because they're a piece of shit and purely self-motivated. that's it. that is not your fault in any regard.
i have told people no, and i've frozen up when they ignored that. i HAVEN'T told people no because i was afraid of learning that they wouldn't respect it. these are difficult situations. often times, there is no right answer. you are not responsible for the terrible things this other person chooses to do. it is not your fault. do not convince yourself otherwise. i know it takes time to come to terms with that. i made a million and one excuses for my partner - but the one thing that i kept getting stuck on was the fact that i know i would never do the things he did to me to another person. this still took me two to three years to process. i am here to be an outside voice and give you a vote of confidence so that, hopefully, you won't be beating yourself up for it as long.
on the note of perfect victims: there is no such thing. perfect victims only exist in media to make people comfortable and to sanitize trauma and the awful things that cause it. it is to make it more palatable so someone who has never experienced what you're going through can say 'oh no!! that's so awful! im so sorry ):' with very little feeling behind it and feel like a good person because they've 'supported' you. so long as you fit in that box, you're perfect. this is an impossible feat, and it is not how you heal. good friends and people will point out your destructive coping mechanisms and try to help you find healthier alternatives or lend an ear. people who are not good for you will call into doubt the way you've reacted and imply terrible things about you. do not listen to them. it is not easy to move past traumas like these.
i myself am the furthest thing from a perfect victim. my temper has become short-fused and i will get so impossibly angry over the smallest things when i used to be a very mellow person. i fantasize about violently protecting myself constantly. i use both of these things like a shield. i became hypersexual, and that is a very difficult thing for me to marry with the fact that i am on the ace spectrum. i have fits of extreme disassociation/depersonalization. not everyone is going to understand this. how you react manifests differently - but you are not in the slightest made better for what happened to you, nor are you wrong for the ways your brain tries to heal itself and make sense of what happened. you do not need to be perfect.
on the topic of healing: do make space for yourself. this looks like taking a step back when people are overwhelming or demanding!! do not feel bad about not being able to be there for everyone all the time!! you need to make space for yourself before you do for others. otherwise, you will make yourself feel worse when you reach a breaking point and are forced to take a step back because you can't take it, not because you are making a decision to keep your peace and recover. be kind. do things that make you feel safe. create. you are doing such a good job with writing, and i am so very proud of you for that. it's such a smart coping mechanism, and a healthy one, too. get it all out. i draw and i write, and i have silly little blorbos to project on. they make me feel so much better, and they help me process things and how i feel long before i understand it. it's given me advance warnings of intense mental breakdowns, and i've learned to watch what im writing and what shape my tone takes in it so i know what's going on with me. now, paying attention to the sorts of snippets/drabbles i write make it much easier for me to
1. recognize i need to take a step back from everything and focus on myself for a couple days - or a couple weeks. healing takes time. be careful with yourself, because you are the only you that you have. you are so important and precious, and always worth loving - and do the things that bring me comfort (watching markiplier, drawing, reading, writing, laying on the floor. very calming).
2. evaluate how im hurting and where it's coming from.
3. do something about it! sometimes that means talking to someone you know will react in a healthy/sympathetic manner. other times it means i rant to myself for a bit to self regulate. maybe i find a trusted friend i can just sit with. walks are my favorite (just be safe!) when im angry or have all this negative desire in me to just be hurt. a while back, i made a little nook in my closet to hide in and i strung up fairy lights in it and under my desk. id go there when i didnt feel safe or the paranoia was getting to be a lot. these things really do help.
this stuff is hard. it takes a very long time, sometimes. i was upset last october (im old, i fear. this feels very recent for me. such is aging) because other folks who went through similar things seemed to only need a year, whereas ive needed five and counting. that's okay. i forgot that even though there is a community out there with folks who have gone through similar, it does not mean they are me. it does not mean i need to heal as quickly or as slow or the same way they are. everyone is different, and everyone gets a slightly different hand. it is okay to take time, just prioritize yourself. even if you don't like it, you know what is good for you. if you don't, it sounds like you have some friends that you trust to reach out to, and maybe they can give you a bit of a nudge to get back on the right track.
healing is not impossible, and it will get better (: my good days are better and brighter. i know how to cope with my bad days a little better. i know how to handle myself a lot better, too. these are all things that make me feel good. i think you're on the right path with writing. please keep going!! i find some comfort in your story, too. hopefully you can find comfort in mine, and others like us (: good luck chief 🫶 it will be okay. you are not alone.
(aside: if any of this made you uncomfortable or felt like a lot, i am so sorry!! please let me know, and i can make edits accordingly or remove my comment if need be !! (: it is no issue)

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