Caring Far Too Much

by EnderHasEntered

Summary:

Marinette has picked up a bad habit.

Notes:

Takes place after the events of the London special.

Warning for talks of self-harm.

Chapter 1: Secret Keeping

All Marinette Dupain-Cheng did was care. She cared about each and every one of her friends. She cared about her family and her fashion. She cared about every secret she was holding in for the sake of others.

 

There were dozens of secrets the average person kept. If they kept dozens, Marinette kept thousands. While it may not seem like it, she was an excellent person for others to confide in. She could keep large secrets for however long they needed to be kept. For example, she knew that Juleka and Rose had been dating for several months before they even considered telling the rest of their friends.

 

But there was only one person who knew just how well Marinette could keep a secret, and her name was Alya. Only Alya knew the feelings Marinette could keep secret from everyone else. Of course, there were things Marinette didn’t even tell Alya, the things that destroyed her soul more than a cataclysm.

 

Although she was still reeling from Gabriel Agreste’s “heroic sacrifice,” she at least had someone else who knew. There was always someone who shared whatever secret she was keeping. For every secret she held, someone held the burden with her. All, of course, except for one.

 

In the weeks following Monarch’s defeat, Marinette had picked up a bad habit, a horrible habit that only Tikki knew of. Marinette had begun hurting herself. What had started as just slight recklessness had devolved into full-blown cutting.

 

She liked the control, needed it even. It wasn’t really about pain, it was about creating a problem she could solve. A small wound was easy to take care of, simple to fix. It wasn’t difficult like her relationship with Adrien, or complicated like her fights as Ladybug, it was simple.

 

But maybe that was the problem. It was so easy, so simple, that she just couldn’t stop. The instant gratification of a new wound made her feel more calm than any breathing exercise someone could recommend. It worked too well, that's what led her here.

 

Ladybug was dealing with an ordinary akumatization when the villain kicked her stomach. Her suit dulled the pain, but that only made her worry. Ladybug felt like her abdomen was being ripped apart. Chat Noir must’ve noticed her falter, because he quickly drew the villain’s attention.

 

The fight didn’t go on much longer, but every moment of it stuck more dread into Ladybug’s head. Of course, Chat wanted to talk to her, she was off her game. She passed it off by saying it was just that time of the month. Chat promptly became awkward, but he did say he hoped she’d feel better soon.

 

When she finally sat in her desk chair and detransformed, she really wished it was just that time of the month. The force of the kick made some of her wounds reopen. The light scabbing popped itself open, letting fresh blood flow. A healing wound being ripped hurt far more than making a new cut. Marinette didn’t feel in control of them now, she just felt stupid.

 

Tikki begged her to talk to someone about it, but Marinette didn’t really hear the words. She quietly applied disinfectant and covered the worst with bandages while Tikki tried to reassure her that people could help her. Marinette suffered in her own buzzing mind for a moment before cutting Tikki’s speech off to retransform.

 

At least as Ladybug, the pain was bearable.

 

–

 

Ladybug swung around Paris for hours. The beautiful city was bathed in warm orange light as she landed on the Eiffel Tower. The sunset usually calmed her, but today she just felt nothing.

 

When Chat Noir landed a few feet away, she didn’t react. It was probably patrol time.

 

“ Feline any better M’lady?” Of course, the first thing Chat said was a pun.

 

“I’m alright, Chaton.” Was all she could muster. They both stood in silence for a moment before Chat Noir stepped closer to her.

 

“Ladybug, are you… okay?” He sounded hesitant, like he wasn’t sure he should even ask.

 

“It’s,” she began to dismiss him, but asked a question instead, “Chat, have you ever hurt yourself? On purpose, I mean.”

 

She couldn’t see his reaction, but she heard him back up slightly, presumably shocked at the question. He took a moment, but eventually responded.

 

“I can’t say that I have.” Ladybug couldn’t quite place his tone. It was somewhere between somber and accepting.

 

“I can.”

 

Once again, the pair fell into silence. Ladybug could feel the hesitance in Chat Noir’s footsteps as he came to stand beside her. She only looked off the rail at the few citizens below. Chat leaned over the rail with his arms, looking out at the wondrous sky as he waited for his lady to be ready to talk.

 

“I never wanted any of this.” Ladybug started. “I didn’t want to be Ladybug, or a guardian, or a leader, I just wanted to be myself.”

 

She could feel the emotions starting to bubble in her chest as she continued, “Even before all of this, I struggled to be myself, but now? Now I can never fully be myself with anyone! I’m always protecting someone, always lying to someone, and it’s just so…” Ladybug unballed her fists, trying to calm her emotions again, “exhausting.”

“I just want things to go right for once. I want things to work out exactly how I want them to, but that isn’t how the world is. I feel so out of control all the time, but I’m supposed to be a leader . I just…” One of Ladybug’s fists hovered in front of her abdomen, “want to feel in control.”

Chapter 2: Lashing Out

Summary:

Alya is worried about Marinette.

Notes:

Warning for self-harming behavior.

Chat Noir didn’t know what to say. To him, being a hero was his truest freedom, but to Ladybug, the responsibility was eating her inside. Chat Noir always saw Ladybug as an adaptable person, always able to bend to what the situation needed, but it seemed more now that she was breaking rather than bending.

 

Chat found his secret identity to be more of an inconvenience than anything else, something that made certain conversations difficult. As Ladybug poured her heart out, he began to realize just how much more she was carrying on her shoulders. She didn’t just have her civilian life to worry about, she had to think of him, her team, the kwamis, and so much more. 

 

Her ability to adapt was her ability to be what others needed from her, but she spent so much time being what others needed that she wasn’t being who she needed herself to be. That was the problem with being the best, you had no one who could understand everything you’re going through.

 

Chat Noir set his head atop Ladybug’s gently. “I did hurt myself once.”

 

Ladybug’s eyes rounded. If Chat’s head wasn’t on hers, she would have turned to look at him. Chat Noir stared into the still setting sun.

 

“After New York. I had nightmares for weeks, and after a while it was all just too much.” Chat traced a small spot on his hip, “I made a burn where no one could see it, I guess I just…”

 

Chat closed his eyes and sighed, “felt like I deserved to be in pain.”

 

Ladybug leaned on Chat’s shoulder. For a solemn moment, they just needed the comfort of each other.

 

“You’re the only one I’ve told, actually. Plagg found out eventually, but…” Chat made a gesture with his thumbs, unable to find the words to continue.

 

“I guess that makes two of us.”

 

–

 

There weren’t many people in the bakery aside from her friend group and her parents, but Marinette couldn’t focus. Her friends were talking up a storm about whatever latest gossip Alya heard while she sat quietly and nodded like she was listening. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy hanging out with them, she was just so distracted that she really couldn’t engage.

 

All of her swinging around as Ladybug yesterday made her muscles ache. She didn’t usually ache so much, but then again, she wasn’t usually Ladybug for more than a couple hours at a time. What really hurt was her stomach. She’d made a new cut before this little outing, which wouldn’t normally be too big of an issue, but she’d been startled by Alya’s text and went a bit too deep by mistake. Ladybug may have the miraculous on her side, but Marinette couldn’t magically make her wounds feel better.

 

“Girl, are you paying attention?” Alya broke Marinette’s thoughts in her usual snarky way. She waved a croissant in her direction.

 

“Hm?” Marinette’s head turned slightly before she registered the question, “Oh! Sorry girls!” Marinette gave them a sheepish smile.

 

“Are you thinking about Adrien during our girl time, again? ” Alya said the question like she already knew the answer. The others had a mix of excitement and smugness on their faces.

 

Marinette knew exactly where this was going. Every time Adrien was brought up with her friends around, they insisted on giving her advice on her relationship. It didn’t matter that her parents were working only a few feet away, they’d embarrass her anyway. Today, however, she was not willing to indulge in the back and forth about her boyfriend.

 

Marinette stood up abruptly, “I’m going to the restroom.”

 

While there was a restroom downstairs, Marinette went through the effort of going upstairs to their home’s bathroom. She always liked their’s better. She fixed a few out of place hairs and adjusted her shorts. She winced when the waistband grazed a cut. She took a deep breath in and held it for a moment, trying to clear her mind.

 

She sighed, deep breaths never worked for her. She considered going out as Ladybug, but that would mean ditching her friends without notice. Plus, she had zero excuses left to leave this time. The only universal excuse was an akuma attack, and the new Hawkmoth was never convenient for her, it seemed.

 

Her only option was to return to her friends and sit through their, honestly offensive, remarks about her and her relationship. She never directly acknowledged it, but she really didn’t like the way they spoke about her. “Clumsy” and “overeacter” were among her least favorite labels. Still, she fixed her purse and opened the door.

 

…Only to jump back at the sight of Alya waiting on her. Marinette overcorrected and fell forward, luckily being caught by her best friend.

 

“Did you need to use the restroom?” She asked sheepishly from Alya’s arms.

 

Alya made a face, one of concern. “I just,” Alya bit her lip slightly and looked away from Marinette, “I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

 

“I’m okay, is something wrong?” She stood upright again and readjusted her bag. Alya still didn’t meet her eyes, she even began to fidget.

 

“I’ve been trying to wait for you to be ready to tell me yourself, but,” Alya took a deep breath and placed a hand on Marinette’s shoulder, “I’m worried about you.”

 

Marinette’s face only portrayed confusion, but she could already feel knots of anxiety tangle in her stomach. “Why are you worried?”

 

Alya’s eyebrows scrunched, “Marinette, you’re my best friend, I know when something’s wrong. You’ve barely spoken to anyone this week, and you just dodged talking about Adrien!”

 

Marinette’s own face scrunched. She didn’t like the insinuation that she was incapable of not talking about her boyfriend unless something was wrong. “I’ve just been busy, Alya. And I’m allowed to not want to talk about my boyfriend sometimes.”

 

“Busy with what ? You had me cover for you yesterday but never told me why! And you never pass up an opportunity to talk about Adrien.”

 

Marinette could feel her anxiety being swept away by rising frustration. Alya’s insistence that she knew Marinette better than she knew herself was quickly growing annoying. “I don’t need to fill you in on everything I do as Ladybug. And I certainly don’t need you to criticize my relationship every time we hang out.”

 

Marinette brushed Alya’s hand off her shoulder. “I’m not up for this, tell the girls I’m sick or something.”

 

She could hear Alya ask her to stay, but she ignored it as she walked to her room. Her frustration was bubbling too close to akumatization; she needed to calm down fast.

 

Sitting in her desk chair, she untucked her shirt and lifted it to show her stomach. She had plenty of sharp tools for designing, plenty of things at her disposal. She could hear Tikki fly out of her bag.

 

“Marinette, this isn’t how you deal with strong emotions!” Tikki pleaded to her. Marinette wasn’t in the mood to argue.

 

“Not now, Tikki.” She reached across her desk and pulled a craft knife out of the cup it usually stayed in.

 

1, 2, 3.

 

She took a deep breath in. They burned, and she could feel the blood starting to bead on the new wounds. Something in her urged her to make a few more.

 

4, 5, 6, 7.

 

The last one was the deepest, but still not as bad as her slip up from earlier. Her next deep breath was caught by a knock on her door.

 

A light, concerned knock signaled her mother. “Marinette, sweetie, are you alright?”

 

Right, if Alya told her friends she was sick, her mom would obviously be worried. Marinette cringed inwardly at her lack of forethought. “Yes mom, I’m okay. I just wanted some time alone.”

 

“Alright honey, let me know if you need anything.”

Marinette had never been more grateful that her parents always knocked. She’d pulled her shirt down when she heard the knock, but that wouldn’t have hidden what she did. The shirt was white. Well, white and red now. She leaned back and groaned. There was no way she’d get the stain out and no way she could pattern over it without it being awkward. This shirt was now scrap.

Chapter 3: Worrying Yourself Awake

Summary:

Adrien doesn't know what to do.

Marinette peered out at the night sky from her balcony. She sat with her hands in her lap while she leaned on the cold, metal railing. Sleep had become nearly impossible for her after everything that happened. She could only sleep in short bursts, and was often plagued with nightmares in the few hours she could manage. Not being able to stay asleep had been an issue for her since she became Ladybug, but the problem had been severely exacerbated lately.

 

Even if she could stay asleep, she could no longer get to sleep in the first place. The constant ache and sharp pain every time she moved forced her awake every time she got close. She ran her hand over her stomach absentmindedly. She could trace every wound and fresh scar even without seeing them.

 

When did this get so bad? She hardly had an inch of space on her stomach that wasn’t marred in some way. She was running out of space to work with. What would she do then? She didn’t have anywhere else on her body that she could hide effectively. 

 

Guilt and shame spiraled in her chest. She had gone on a date with Adrien today, nothing fancy, just picking up some food and going to the park. It had all gone so well until he was walking her home. He put a hand on her waist, an innocent and loving gesture that said he wanted her near him. And she flinched.

 

He didn’t know. He couldn’t have possibly known there was a fresh cut right where he’d placed his hand. Her audible wince made him pull away immediately. He apologized like he’d done something wrong, and Marinette felt her soul dying at the crushed face he’d made.

 

She wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him that he’d done nothing wrong, and it was all her fault, but how could she? How could she take the blame without showing him such a horrible part of herself? It pained her that she couldn’t just explain herself to him.

 

Her stomach screamed at her. She was gripping it tight in her thoughts. The pain she could cause made her sigh. She hated to admit that it made her feel calmer.

 

She needed get away.

 

–

 

Adrien couldn’t sleep. He sat on his bed with his legs crossed while he stared at his hands. For as long as he’d been oblivious to Marinette’s feelings, he wasn’t blind enough to not catch her switch in demeanor. His thumb pressed into his palm a bit harder.

 

He’d seen the switch before. The two women in his life that he was closest to had the same flip in persona when they felt defensive. He supposed a lot of people did, but that wince, that sharp inhale…

 

How could he ask her about it? She was always walking on eggshells around him, trying to only present the most perfect version of herself she could. He never expected her to be ‘perfect,’ but she always expected that of herself. In the time he’d spent being her friend, he had become quite confident she was dealing with OCD. 

 

She wouldn’t handle any crack in her facade well, he knew that. She worked hard to portray herself as a friendly, helpful person who, despite her disorganization, always got things done when she needed to. She was a reliable person. She was someone you wouldn’t hesitate to confide in. But a reliable person needed someone to rely on as well, and she didn’t have that.

 

Adrien had been a little worried about her for a while now, but he figured it was just her usual nerves when it came to him. Alya’s concerned text proved it wasn’t. If he was right, and Marinette had fallen into the same habit as Ladybug, it was only going to get worse without treatment.

 

He was in over his head. He had no idea how to help someone dealing with this kind of problem. He was just a teenager.

 

Maybe he could ask Nathalie in the morning, but that still left him with the here and now. He knew he wasn’t getting any sleep tonight, he was too worried. Anything was better than this silence, and he knew just the guy he could be instead.

 

–

 

Ladybug wasn’t expecting to see Chat Noir so late, but there he was regardless. He stood on a rooftop, leaning on his staff with his hands and head atop it. He looked thoughtful.

 

“Hey, kitty.” Her voice was soft in the quiet night. Her near silent landing wouldn’t wake a single citizen but him. His ear swiveled slightly, but he didn’t turn to face her.

 

Getting closer, she could see the sadness in his eyes. He was definitely thinking about something, but she didn’t know what could make him so somber. “Couldn’t sleep?”

 

He shook his head slightly, mumbling, “Too worried.”

 

Ladybug took a seat on the edge of the roof and stared out into the starry sky. “Want to talk about it?”

 

Chat took the offer and sat next to her, putting his hands on the roof behind him to stare at the sky like she was. You might assume they were stargazing if you couldn’t hear them.

 

“I think my girlfriend is hurting herself.” Ever blunt, this cat. Truthfully he had no clue how to word his thoughts, so he just went for complete honesty.

 

“What makes you think that, Chaton?”

 

He shook his head, “A lot of things, m’lady. A lot of things.” A sad smile crossed his face. His breath hitched slightly, and before either of them knew it, he was crying.

 

He buried his face in his hands while he sobbed quietly. Ladybug draped an arm over him and pulled him close. He hid in her chest, looking for any way to avoid being seen like this. Ladybug just held him in her arms.

 

“I’m just so worried about her- I don’t- I don’t know what to do-” 

 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to solve everything in one night.” She ran a hand through his hair, gently scratching as he sobbed. It burned to know one of her best friends was so upset.

 

Was this how Adrien was feeling about her, too?

Chapter 4: Little Bug All Alone

Summary:

Marinette has a breakdown with a cat on her roof.

Notes:

Read tags.

Marinette took in another deep breath, trying to stay calm. She was on her balcony again, sucking in bursts of cold night air. The day had been uneventful, yet she still felt panicked. She had the urge to silence her emotions, but she resisted the pull tonight.

 

She sat and leaned against the rails to stare up into the stars. She and Chat Noir had defeated so many villains under these stars. Marinette hugged her knees. She missed Chat Noir. She’d seen him yesterday, but she always felt so lonely now.

 

She missed the way things were before she was guardian, before there were other miraculous to think about. She missed when it was just them against Hawkmoth, things had been so simple then. She made silly plans to talk to Adrien and defeated villains with dumb motives. She wasn’t so hopeless then.

 

Marinette picked her head up at the distant sound of boots on a rooftop. It wasn’t often that Chat Noir roamed the roofs of Paris at night without Ladybug, but his bell gave him away easily. She could hear the jingle and spot the shining gold long before she could make out the rest of his black suit against the dark night.

 

His bright green eyes caught hers staring as he quirked his head to the side in a silent question. She watched him extend his baton to propel him towards her rooftop. He landed light as a cat and spun his baton as he put it away.

 

“Hey Purrincess, what’s got you up so late?” He smiled as he spoke, but tiredness edged his words.

 

Marinette didn’t answer, she simply laid her head down on her knees. She heard Chat sigh and step towards her. She could feel him sit and lean against the rails like she was. “One of those nights?”

 

She made a vague noise of agreement. She did want to talk to him, but she was just so tired. Chat made conversation devoid of responses. “Yeah, me too.”

 

“I’m worried about this girl I know,” oh she knew, “See, a friend of hers’ told me something troubling.”

 

What? Okay, maybe she didn’t know. Chat Noir continued, “She’s been distancing from her friends and jumpy with her boyfriend.”

 

Was he going where she thought he was going with this? She lifted her head enough to stare at the floor of her balcony. She hoped he wasn’t. 

 

“And from where I’m standing, it looks like she might be… doing something awful to herself.” Chat’s voice lowered as he spoke, like he was begging Marinette to contradict him.

 

She turned her head to look at him. He was pleading with her through his eyes to say something, to tell him he was wrong. She just didn’t have the strength anymore. She only sighed and turned her head back to the ground.

 

She could feel quiet tears stinging her eyes as she and Chat Noir sat in silence on her balcony. Her shaky breathing betrayed her as she tried to force the tears away. She wanted so badly to be alone, but she would also do anything for Chat to stay. It was all too much.

 

Chat leaned against her slightly. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, as if waiting for her to start. When she didn’t, he broke the silence softly.

 

“You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to, but I want you to know you aren’t alone.”

 

His words clawed a sob from her throat. The dam finally broke and she sobbed into her knees. It was like every pain she’d pushed down with a blade was welling up again, as painful as ever. She could feel each wound on her stomach move slightly when she gasped for air. It hurt so much, but the mental anguish was just too much to bear. She was just so exhausted.

 

“I- I’m so tired Chat-!” She choked on her words as they spilled out. “I don’t- I don’t want to do this anymore!”

 

She pulled on her bangs while she buried her eyes in her palms. Chat laid an arm over her shoulder, hugging her from the side. He listened to her carefully.

 

“Everyone needs me and I- I can’t- I can’t handle it anymore!” She was yelling her frustrations out with little regard for the sleeping citizens of Paris. “I feel so selfish but I- I can’t do it anymore and-”

 

Marinette sobbed uncontrollably. She couldn’t form more words to describe her pain with the pure anguish burning her from the inside out. She could feel Chat Noir squeeze her shoulder lightly.

 

“You’re not selfish, Marinette.” His tone was comforting, but resolute. He spoke with the knowledge that what he said was true. “You shouldn’t have to carry it all for everyone else.”

 

He didn’t know just how much she was carrying, he didn’t know quite how many people were depending on her, but Marinette’s chest burned at his words. It was exactly what she needed to hear.

 

“I’m just a kid - why, why do I have to carry so much?” She asked no one in particular.

 

“I don’t know, Purrincess,” his comical nickname didn’t lighten her mood, but she appreciated it regardless, “but you don’t have to carry it all alone.”

 

“I’ve been doing it for so long, I-” Her voice dropped, “I don’t know how not to…”

 

Chat was quiet for a moment as he processed her words. He didn’t have all the answers, he was only human, but he wanted to help. “You don’t have to share everything all at once, but you do need to share things.”

 

He was right, she did need to share things. She held so many secrets and lies that she felt like they might split her open at the seams. But where could she even start? What secrets could she tell without destroying the world? She didn’t know what secret could cause the web to unravel and she couldn’t risk testing them.

 

“But what if I hurt someone? What if I try and it just- messes everything up?” She stared at Chat with blurry vision. Tears flowed down her cheeks shamelessly. “What if it’s too much for them and they get akumatized? I’m the only one who can do this!”

 

He looked into her eyes, a somber crease in his brow. She could hear the breath he took in before he spoke. “This is too much for you , Marinette.”

 

It was as though her world cracked. It hurt because it was true, it was too much for her. But what could she do? She couldn’t stop being Ladybug. She just wanted to be forgotten by the world. She wanted to curl up in a corner and die. She wanted to…

 

“I just want to die…”

Chapter 5: When You're Ready

Summary:

Alya checks in.

Alya bit her nail. Normally, she kept any nervousness she felt on the inside and kept a calm exterior. Today, she couldn’t help but fidget. Marinette was acting weird . For such an oddball, she was acting completely out of character.

 

Alya knew the defeat of Monarch was stressful for Marinette, but over the past few weeks, she’d gotten worse , not better. The other day, she snapped at Alya, and today she wasn’t at school.

 

Nino placed a hand over hers, squeezing softly. She smiled a little at him and stopped biting her nail. When he’d seen just how worried she was, Nino had reassured her that Marinette would come to her when she was ready. Still, she could see a slight worry in his own gaze when she laid out why she was worried– omitting the obvious. Although they didn’t spend much time together without Alya and Adrien, Nino and Marinette were good friends.

 

The day passed agonizingly slowly for Alya. She wanted nothing more than to hear Marinette was okay, but she wasn’t answering her phone. The moment school let out, she diverted from her usual walk home to head for the bakery. Nino waved as she turned and said to tell Marinette they were all thinking of her.

 

Sabine gave her a warm smile when she walked in, but Tom had his focus on a particular batch of dough. Alya wasted no time.

 

“Hi Mrs. Dupain-Cheng, is Marinette home?” Sabine’s smile faltered.

 

“Yes dear, but she’s not feeling well today. Did she… not tell you?”

 

Alya’s brow creased as her frown deepened. “No, she didn’t. I’m worried about her.”

 

Sabine didn’t reply, but somehow Alya knew she felt the same. Anyone who knew Marinette at all could feel how different she was acting, and it wasn’t from boy problems.

 

Alya cringed at the thought of boy problems. She’d severely misstepped the other day when she’d insisted Marinette always wanted to talk about Adrien. In hindsight, Marinette had always made a small comment or two about not wanting to talk about Adrien when the girls brought it up, but she’d honestly been under the impression it wasn’t entirely serious. She took those comments as Marinette being a little embarrassed, not so deeply uncomfortable. She hoped she’d have the chance to apologize today.

 

Sabine let her continue to Marinette’s room with no other words. They both loved Marinette and just wanted to help with whatever was wrong. Alya took a deep breath and knocked on the hatch to her best friend’s room.

 

“Marinette? It’s Alya, can I come in?” Her tone was as soft as she could manage while still being heard. For a moment, she couldn’t hear a response. She was about to knock again when she finally heard Marinette’s “Yeah.”

 

She pushed the hatch open and caught sight of Marinette at her desk. She sat despondent in her chair with a knife she used to cut fabric in her hands. She stared at it blankly.

 

Alya said nothing as she closed the hatch. She didn’t know where to begin. Honestly, she’d half expected Marinette to turn her away. Marinette took a deep breath and looked up. She looked right into Alya’s eyes, a rare thing for the anxiety-riddled girl.

 

“Alya I… I need to talk to you.”

 

She sat down on the chaise and folded her hands in her lap. She tried her hardest to sound empathetic, “I’m listening.”

 

She could see Marinette grapple with her words, trying to find the best phrasing for what she wanted to say. It was a sight Alya was deeply familiar with, but she didn’t push Marinette to spit out her thoughts. Finally, she sighed and gazed at the floor.

 

“I’m sorry for how I acted the other day.” Alya was going to apologize as well, but Marinette kept going. “You didn’t deserve the way I spoke to you, you were just worried. I’m… realizing a lot of people are worried about me.”

 

Alya nodded, sensing there was more to this. Marinette continued, “I didn’t mean to worry anyone, I just-” she sighed again, frustrated with her words. “I’m not… handling things as well as I’d like to.”

 

Alya nodded again. When Marinette didn’t continue, she took her turn to speak. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have insisted things were wrong because you didn’t want to talk about Adrien. You’re well within your right to not want to discuss your relationship all the time. There were… There were a lot of other things worrying me, I just– didn’t know how to bring them up.”

 

Alya pressed her thumb into her other palm. “I don’t know what’s wrong, but I want to help. You’re my best friend and it’s really difficult to know you’re struggling alone. That– that isn’t to make you feel guilty, I just–”

 

“It’s okay Alya, I understand.” Marinette had a small, sad smile. She frowned again as she began speaking once more. “I’m… I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but… I have spoken to someone about it.”

 

Alya nodded, feeling relief wash over her. Even if Marinette wasn’t confiding in her , she was confiding in someone . She smiled, “Okay. I’m here when you’re ready.”

 

---

 

Marinette sat on her roof yet again. After last night, Chat Noir had promised to come back and talk with her more on what she could do. She smiled, he was such a sweet kitty, helping people even on his own time. She hoped it wasn’t interfering with his life too much.

 

Boots gently landed behind her, the sound of papers ruffling accompanying them. Chat was friendly and soft, “Hey Purrincess, I brought some ideas!”

 

The papers had various resources and tips on telling friends and family about your struggles. She was scared at the thought of telling someone else, but Chat reassured her that she didn’t have to do it alone. The thought of Chat Noir standing with her as she spilled her heart out to her parents made her laugh a little. Still, he insisted he’d be there if she wanted support.

 

By the end of their talk, she had a few ideas floating around on what she could do. On impulse, she snagged a loose paper in her room and sat down to write.

Notes:

Okay so I got excited and wrote the rest of the story lol, you lovely commenters did that :)

Chapter 6: Letter

Summary:

Marinette writes and delivers a letter.

Marinette’s letter was messy. There were entire sentences she scribbled out and rewrote. Her handwriting was clumsy and a bit difficult to read with how much she was shaking at the thoughts she was writing down. She considered rewriting it on a fresh sheet of paper, but something about the messiness felt right. It was like the scrambled thoughts reflected her inner turmoil far better than any precisely written paragraph could. She inhaled deeply and read what she’d written in full.

 

Dear Mom and Dad,

 

I know you’re you’ve been worried for me for a long time. You always worried about if your clumsy little girl could make it in the world, and for a while, I was. But lately, I’ve been struggling. It started as small impulses to make myself feel a little better. Making too many plans or causing problems on purpose. But now, it’s gotten so out of control that  But now, I feel the need to seek control so strongly that I do illogical things, things I can’t rationalize. I’ve been having thoughts that people would be happier without me. Thoughts that I only mess things up, no matter how hard I try to do them right. When the thoughts are When these thoughts all  When I can’t handle the thoughts anymore, and I feel like I’m going to crack under the pressure, I hurt myself. Really hurt myself. It started as just 1 or 2 small cuts, but it’s spiraled so far out of control that I feel like I can’t survive without it. I know it doesn’t make sense and I don’t want to need this, but I just can’t stop. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve realized I need help. I wanted to keep this to myself so badly, but I can’t do this alone anymore. I love you and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you for so long. Please don’t hate me

 

It was messy, disorganized, and difficult to read, but it was raw and real. It didn’t leave room for her to downplay or backtrack. It was truth, as painful as reality is. Marinette could feel tears roll down her cheeks as she thought about the letter. It made her so scared to think about giving it to her parents, yet she was filled with so much motivation to do so. It was late, Chat Noir wasn’t here anymore, and her letter was a mess, but she stood up and opened the hatch to the rest of the house anyway.

 

Her parents were on the couch, watching whatever show was playing this late. They didn’t turn to her until she stood by the TV. Sabine reached for the remote and turned it down with quiet concern written on her face.

 

“What is it, honey? Are you alright?”

 

Her hands trembled and fresh tears started to well up as she looked at her mother. She clutched the letter tight and fought the tears. Her gaze darted to the floor and she extended the letter forward for them to take. They took the letter, and she stood silently shaking as they read it.

 

She could hear her mother gasp as she read. Marinette tugged the bottom of her shirt, biting the inside of her cheek. She heard the paper be set beside them and braced for whatever they had to say to her. Her parents were never once unaccepting of her, but something in her mind screamed at her that she would be in trouble. 

 

She jumped at their sudden hug. Her father’s arms draped over her shoulders while her mothers wrapped loosely around her waist. She sucked in a shaky breath and let out a sob. This was so much more painful than telling Chat Noir. At least with Chat Noir, she wasn’t close to him as a civilian. This, she could never run away from.

 

Her knees gave out, but her parents gently lowered her to the ground. She hugged them back, clinging to them like they might disappear. Maybe they would. Maybe she’d just doomed the world again. Maybe she really was a failure who only made things worse.

 

Maybe she was just a teenager needing to care about far too much. Her throat burned with choked tears that had been held inside for so long they had to claw their way out. Even in the embrace of her parents, she still had the stinging concern of being akumatized. Even in a moment purely about her pain, she could not let go of the worry of hurting others.

 

Each tear that rolled down her cheek was another moment an akuma could be coming her way. She wanted to let go of that concern and let herself feel, but she just couldn’t. For as heavy as her tears were, they were only a fraction of what she had tamped down over and over again.

 

She wanted to run. She wanted to stay put. She wanted everything and nothing. Her lungs heaved for air yet all she wanted was to never take a breath again. She could not picture tomorrow. 

 

Finally, her tears slowed as her body ran out of energy to react to her emotions. The tightness she held her parents with softened, and she curled in on herself. Her parents followed her, never ceasing their  loving hug. They were saying something that she couldn’t focus on. She appreciated it regardless.

 

In this tired, somber pain, she could just feel a glimmer of hope. It was far away, farther away than any idea she’d ever had of the future. It was so far and so fleeting that she could delude herself into not feeling it at all. It would be so simple to give up that hope and drown in the waters she’d been sinking in for so long, and yet, she wanted to breathe. She’d fought so hard for every tiny bit of peace she’d ever had, and as painful as it was, she didn’t want to give up fighting.

 

Whatever tomorrow brought, she’d be there.

Notes:

Last line is a reference to the song Drive by Incubus

Chapter 7: Epilouge

Summary:

Marinette reflects on the past year.

Marinette smiled. One full year of therapy today. She could honestly say she was proud of where she was now. She still struggled, she still relapsed, but she was doing better. Alya, Adrien, and Nino now all knew what she’d been going through– minus the Ladybug thing– and supported her through getting help. She didn’t tell the girls exactly what had been wrong, but they knew she’d been in a bad state and needed help.

 

Now, after a year of learning about herself, she could say that she was human. She wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t a failure. She wasn’t flawed, she wasn’t flawless. She was exactly who she needed to be.

 

Marinette sighed and leaned her head on Adrien’s shoulder. He smiled and leaned his head on hers. They were heading to the beach today and Marinette had decided to wear a new swimsuit, one she’d hesitated on many times. Adrien squeezed her hand and she smiled brighter.

 

He’d been so supportive of her, she couldn’t thank him enough. He’d never told her she wasn’t recovering fast enough or was making a big deal of nothing, he simply waited for her to meet him at her own pace. He was her rock, solid and calming.

 

She did end up telling her therapist about Ladybug (after several months). Having a professional help her cope with everything she had to keep secret with Ladybug lifted her burden more than she could express. 

 

A few months back, she’d had a horrible relapse that ended in her confessing to her therapist the truth about Monarch. She’d actually expected Bunnix to come through her burrow and make Ladybug prevent it from happening, but she didn’t. Bunnix never came.

 

She’d seen Bunnix a few times since beginning her recovery, and each time Bunnix looked happier to see her. The conversations they had outside of battle were sincere and happy. Alix was one of the very few people who truly knew just how much she’d gone through, and she was always grateful for their talks, however brief.

 

Tikki seemed much happier than she was before. Sometimes, Marinette felt guilty for how much she’d put Tikki through, but Tikki always assured her that it was okay. She’d hug her holder with her little body and say that all she wanted was for Marinette to be happy.

 

After what felt like a lifetime of despair and loneliness, she could say that maybe, just maybe, she was finally happy. She could appreciate the things she had without feeling like she didn’t deserve them. She could smile without it feeling heavy. She could trust that the people around her cared about her. Marinette closed her eyes, enjoying the moment she had with her boyfriend.

 

When they reached the beach, she and Adrien separated to change. She could feel the thoughts spiraling in her mind as she stared at herself in the mirror above the sinks. She took a deep breath in and stepped out in her nice, new(ish) two-piece. Pink and striking and unashamed to show her scars. She waved to her friends with a glowing smile that held nothing but sincerity.

 

She’d made it this far, she could handle a few stares and questions.

Notes:

And it's done!! Thank you so much for reading this story!! When I started this story 4 months ago, I had no plans of finishing it or even updating it because it was simply a vent piece I made during a difficult night. I deal with OCD that's crippled my life for a long time, and I've always kinda seen myself in Marinette. It would be so easy for me to write a version of this story that doesn't end happily, but that wouldn't feel right. For everything that Marinette struggles with, I've always seen her as a hopeful character who's story won't end in despair.

If this helps just one more person avoid relapse for a little longer, than its done its job. This fic helped me avoid relapsing in the dark moments of my life, and I hope it can do the same for others. I'm now over 200 days clean from an addiction that nearly claimed my life, and while I can't say I'll never relapse again, I can say it doesn't control my life anymore.

There is a way out, chat. It won't be pretty or comfortable, but it is there. It's waiting for you when you're ready <3

Notes:

Thank you for reading. I wrote this to get some of my own feelings out as I cope with my OCD. I may write more of this story, but no promises.