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Nauseating guilt churned through William Wisp’s stomach. Dakota had hugged him, had said nice things. None of which he had really heard or internalized. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve to hear anything nice said to him. Not after what he did.
Rain continued to pour down as he left the library, plastering his hair down, running down his back, soaking his clothes, but he didn’t care. He would have been cold, but he was too numb. Shaking, but he didn’t know whether it was from the cold or fear or something else. It didn’t matter.
Crowds of people walked by, some carrying umbrellas while others dashed off to get out of the rain. No one really looked at him. William was used to that, but he was almost surprised they couldn’t sense it. Maybe it was some of the last threads of religious guilt he held onto, subconsciously believing there was some omniscient being who knew who he was and what he’d done.
But it was strange to him that people walked past him without a care in the world, without knowing that he was a villain. A monster. That he’d hurt people. That he’d killed someone.
He even thought he’d seen a streak of light dart past, a hallmark of Lightspeed. But the flow of people and traffic continued all the same, as if nothing was wrong.
William spotted an alleyway, thankfully empty, and darted into it. He clutched at his chest, thinking about how despicable it was that not only had he done what he’d done, but he’d forced this soul inside him to be a part of it. The soul he never should have had in the first place. Keeping him in like a prisoner.
Rats scurried through the alleyway. Even they wanted to get away from him. There was a large dumpster in the alley that obscured the rest of it from the main street. William sat down on the other side of it, glancing around to make sure he was finally alone.
He closed his eyes and focused deep within himself, trying to find the place the soul would be.
“I know you won’t talk, but I think you can hear me.” He whispered and paused, listening. The cacophony of voices and footsteps and vehicles was muted back here, but still present. Raindrops made a variety of noises as they dripped onto rooftops, the lid of the dumpster, and the ground. Wind whistled. A door opened and closed. But there was no reply from Kemuri.
“I need you to…get. Out.” William emphasized, tears beginning to fall down his face, mixing with the rain. “I don’t know what kind of honor-bound bullshit you’re staying with me for, but all I’ve done is hurt people and scare people.”
He remembered the face of Xavier as he chased him down. Cantrip’s face. His brother. Tide. Vyncent. Dakota. “So this time, I’m not asking if you want to leave. I’m telling you to get OUT!”
The words ripped their way out of his throat, and his tears began streaming. Even through watery eyes, though, he could see a small cloud of smoke come out his mouth.
“So you can hear me.” William’s head dropped down, and he looked at the ground as he spoke. “Okay. Then listen. My friend, the one that beat you. Dakota. He was wrong. Okay. I’m not falling. I fell.”
He saw himself standing at the edge of the cliff. He remembered exactly what it was like to jump. And fall. Standing there and looking down below and taking the first step was the hardest part. But after that and you jumped beyond the point of return, falling was the easiest goddamn thing in the world. Nothing can stop you.
“And down here,” William continued, “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know that I shouldn’t have this. So I’m asking you to leave now, Kemuri, before I start upping the ante.” The knife in his pocket was cold and sharp.
He pulled the bottle out that he’d brought with him and set it on the pavement next to him. Then his hand drifted into the pocket and pulled out the knife.
“You’re going to get out, and I’m going to put you somewhere where I know you’ll help people. Or….” William paused to take a shaky breath. Then, with trembling hands, he pointed the knife towards himself, feeling its cold point sharp against his stomach, even through his hoodie. “Or I’ll send us both back.”
At last, he could feel Kemuri stirring. “We pass on together,” the raspy voice told him.
Shit. If he was being honest with himself, he was half hoping he wouldn’t have to do this. He remembered being dead. He remembered the spirit world. And it sure as hell wasn’t pleasant.
Each time he died, he remembered the moments before passing clearly. The pain. The fear. The way his consciousness slowly slipped away until he was gone. It certainly wasn’t something he relished in experiencing again. But it was what he deserved.
“Don’t you get it?” William pleaded one more time. “I’m giving you the chance to do the honorable thing, and that would be to get out! I should never have taken you! It was a MISTAKE.”
He sobbed as he spoke, screaming, but nothing he said seemed to be convincing Kemuri. This was it. He was going to die. He was so mad. Mad at Kemuri for not cooperating, but mostly mad at himself. “One mistake of so many I keep making. Don’t be stupid! I know this is the right thing.”
His parents would hurt, but they would hear David’s side of the story, and eventually, they would believe they were better off without him. David would pretend like he cared, but realistically, why would he care if William died again? He wasn’t bothered the other times.
Kemuri could have been free, but he didn’t want to be, so he’d have to go down with him. Tide would probably be glad after what William had done to him. Dakota and Vyncent…they’d be upset. They’d be mad. It would hurt them. But eventually, they would be okay. They’d be better without him too, and they’d save Ashe and he’d probably be sad too, but life would move on for them in the end.
And, that was it. The short list of people who would care if he died.
He closed his eyes, feeling the rain fall onto his face one last time. Finally, after all the shitty mistakes he’d made, he was finally doing something good for the world.
William Wisp tightened his grip on the knife, prepared to plunge it into his stomach.
“WILL!” A voice screamed.
He glanced up, squinting through tears and raindrops. A flash of bright red hair. Dakota, of all people, was rushing toward him like his life depended on it. Or rather, like William’s life depended on it.
In one swift motion, faster than William could process, Dakota was kneeling in front of him, grabbing his wrists with one hand, and tilting and taking the knife from him with the other.
“Will,” he said again, this time in a breathless whisper. “What the hell was that? What do you think you were doing?”
“I–” he started, before he started sobbing again, unable to reply. He moved a hand to wipe his face, and Dakota let him, his grip loosening. Then, Dakota shot forward, wrapping his arms tightly around him. He was squeezing so tightly that William thought he might suffocate.
“You don’t get to do that, okay? You don’t get to leave.” William heard tears in Dakota’s voice as well. “I see you. I see you’re hurting. You’re falling. Okay? I see you.”
Dakota released his tight hug, leaning back a little to look at William’s face, but he still kept his arms wrapped around him. “And I’m here. I’ll catch you as many times as you need me to. Both me and Vynce will.”
“I–I–d-don’t–”
“I know. But we’re here. And we’re not going anywhere.” Dakota wiped the tears from his face. His voice was shaking. William didn’t think he’d ever seen Dakota like this. “And we need you, okay, Will?”
“B-but you…I’ll…I’ll mess it all up again…I can’t…”
“Not with the three of us together. We need each other, yeah?” Dakota gave him a small smile.
William just buried his head on Dakota’s shoulder, letting himself have the comfort he knew he didn’t deserve. Dakota rubbed his back gently, trying to soothe him while William heard his careful measured breaths of trying to calm himself down.
After several minutes, Dakota spoke up again. “How about we get out of the rain? We can head back to the library and change into some dry clothes. And…when you’re ready, we’ll talk to Vyncent about this, okay?” He saw William’s expression. “It won’t be long. But we do have to talk about it. I wanna, you know, make sure that you’re safe. And that we’re all safe. We’re a team.”
William nodded, and he let Dakota help him up. The knife was pocketed by Dakota, and they walked back to the library together. The rain was still coming down, and people still walked by, not paying any attention. But Dakota kept his arm around William.
William still couldn’t stop shaking. And he still didn’t think he deserved to be saved by Dakota. But a tiny part of him, no matter how much he tried to deny it, was grateful to be walking in the rain with his friend instead of bleeding out in an alleyway.
“Dakota?” William said, not making eye contact.
“Yeah?” He could feel Dakota’s gaze on him.
“I–umm…thank you,” he whispered, his voice barely audible.
Dakota squeezed his shoulder. “Of course.”
William was still here. Against all odds, against every instinct he’d had, he was still here.