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Its been what, seven days now. Seven whole days since he left his house, or his room. He's been starving himself, drinking just barely when kind grandma Jade brought him water. She didnt question, she didnt say anything at all. Maybe she didnt care but maybe she knew what kind of burden he wore. Though it was more of a sin that a burden. A sin of.... Well he didnt know either. He just knew it was wrong, it was so so wrong, so freaking wrong it could end with him going to Hell. It scared him, he never wanted this, he never wanted to sin. Why is this happening to him?
Jake laid on his bed, his windows closed so tightly while thick curtains blocked any kind of light that threatened to enter. There was no sign of him getting better, none at all. He was sick, so very sick. He is in love with a guy. Dirk, the guy he "liked" was nothing like him. He is the popular kid that everyone loves, though he has his own burdens, he is pretty cool to be around, he is fun and nice. Even if he isnt really religious, he is kind hearted. Everything was fine until Jake caught sinful feelings for him. That was probably God himself testing him, and he just had to resist those sinful urges, those sinful thought and.... Those kissable lips.
Dirk is perfect, in every way. From his looks to his personality, inside and out. For the short time Jake knew him, they got to learn about eachother alot. Dirk had his own struggles and poor life, but even so he turned out to be so perfect. Jake could only dream of being that perfect. Oh how badly he wanted to kiss every scar on Dirk's body, and to hold him in his arms until they both fell asleep. He closed his eyes and believed that he was there. But so wrong he had thought, please God make him clear. Heaven might fall if he ever holds him in his arms, because it will be like the blood is on his hands. He has to stand alone.
He hated this, every second of this. The more he was distancing himself from the world, the stronger he felt towards the guy. Why? Why did he have to be abnormal? He was so tired of everything, he took his phone to just do anything to pass time and to distract himself from everything that was going through his head and this overwhelming hunger he felt. As much as he tried to, he couldnt ignore the messages from both Dirk and Jane. Dirk had been spamming him for last seven days, last message he sent was 16 minutes ago. He kept checking in daily, wanting to make sure that Jake was okay. He even wrote once that he had contacted grandma Jade to make sure he was okay, and was so relieved to hear that he is. He said that he hopes that Jake gets better soon, and that he is there for him. And so on. It hurt to see those messages, it hurt so bad. He knew it probably hurt Dirk as well, but he kept trying never the less.
As for Jane, she had abandoned everything they ever stood for. She became a sinner, just like him. But she followed a different path, the path of the devil and choose her happiness over Lord. Maybe she did the right thing? Her happiness is what matters, but Jake's happiness always came from the God, and how could he abandon him now? Jane had ran away with a girl she fell in love with, she still contacts Jake, he had promised not to snitch on her, and he wont. He values their friendship too much.
The sight of the messages made him feel even worse, honestly, so he just turned the phone off completely and tossed it to the side. It fell hard on the ground and probably broke its display but he couldn't care less at the current moment. He rolled over, laying his face flat on the pillow and he began sobbing. It hurt, so much. These feelings, being unable to confess or even have it. Its like his whole body was aching, aching for something he never had and was never supposed to have. Something he never experienced, but needed it so bad.
He honestly hated himself so much for this, he felt so helpless, so alone, he felt like God Himself turned the back on him.
The urges, the thoughts, the feelings it was all wrong, so unclear, so sinful, so so so wrong! He felt like the dirtiest person to ever live, he felt so unpure, he felt like a monster.
If only God knew how sorry he was, how he hated himself and how he wanted to get rid of these feelings. If only God could hear his prayers and forgive him, if He could lead him back on the right path and give him the light and courage to continue his life. He felt worthless without that light, without purpose. These feelings cost him everything. He lost everything and he felt so naked.
After long and tiring crying session, he finally managed to fall asleep. His heart that was beating at rapid speed finally calming down and his hazy thoughts resting for a bit. However, his sin followed even in his dreams. The only place he was supposed to be and feel safe at, even it got under the hand of the devil, ruining him completely, destroying his sanity. So he woke up panicked and sweaty, because in his dream, or rather nightmare, he had finally confessed to Dirk, and they hugged, held hands even and were about to kiss. It felt so mesmerizing, so magical, like a scene out of the movie, yet it terrified him, it scared him. Why did he have to be so broken?
That unsuccessful slumber took alot of him, and he found himself craving the food and water even more, but he had to stay strong, for the God not for himself. God was watching, and maybe he will see how hard he is trying, maybe he will lift this curse off of him, make him free again. Make him happy again. How he longed to be happy again, to hug his grandma and his friends, to see the Sun, to feel the warmth filling him. How he longed for a fresh warm food, or a cold drink. He missed it, everything.
He got off of his bed, pacing around room nervously. He felt sick, but like not only mentally but physically too. He felt drained, he felt so tired, despite sleeping for God know how long. Did the 8th day kick in or was it 7th still? He had absolutely no idea, and he honestly didnt care. His head felt even fuzzier than before, he wanted to cry and scream and throw up and... He just wanted Dirk to hold him, comfort him and tell him that everything's going to be alright. That he didnt do anything wrong, that he isnt a sinner, that these feelings arent wrong and that he isnt broken for feeling like this. But he knew it was all lies, lies planted by the devil. He did so much harm to Jake's heart, to his soul. He couldn't recognize himself anymore. His life was ruined.
Maybe it would be best if he killed himself. But yet again, wasnt that a sin?
He was scared of sinning any more than he had already, he was scared of death, he was scared, no. He was terrified of hell. He tried to hard, all his life not to sin, to make sure not to go to hell, yet he threw all that away, sixteen years of hard work flew away, just like his heart flew away to the other boy.
He paced around room more and more, his bare feet started aching from pacing so much, but he didnt care. How long was he even walking in circles? Minutes, hours, days? No idea. But at one point everything just... Went black. Everything faded away, his vision disappeared and he heard slight beeping in his ears, but it was unclear. Maybe, he thought, the moment finally came. God had had enough of him and freed him out of his burdens and pains. Maybe he forgave him, but at the cost of his life. And he wasnt complaining, as long as he didnt go to hell.
Once he opened his eyes, it was... Bright, too bright. He hadnt seen light in days or weeks or something, and this was too bright. Good, that meant he was in Heaven, no?
“Have I.. Died?”
He said just barely above the whisper, though it was a stupid thing to say. He felt like was laying on the cloud, watching directly at the Sun. But the more he regained his vision the more he felt like he was still alive. Above him was a big light and a doctor, he could also hear grandma Jade in the distant background, the sounds all blending in one big blur for his ears. He felt like he was underwater, faint sounds were there but he couldnt make a single coherent word or a familiar sound.
However, his bubble of confusion and disorientation broke, the moment he heard the sound of a voice too familiar. Even though it was just a sob or a squeak or whatever that was, it made him jerk in the bed, his head shooting to the direction where it came from. And he wasn't wrong. With his eyes wide, and doctor calming him down, he watched as he entered the room, his eyes were glossy, way more glossy than he ever saw them, if he ever did. Which he didnt. He had never seen his eyes before, and honestly? They looked so beautiful, even if his vision was mighty blurry.
Without a word spoken between the two, Dirk came to him, and with zero hesitation hugged him, so tightly that he felt like he was flying and dying at the same time. He didnt know what to do, his arms felt numb and his heart heavy. He hated this but it felt so fucking good. It felt like everything good and bad mixed together, he felt like he was flying but the chains still kept him glued to the ground. He felt like he was drowning and this was his only source of air. He felt Dirk's cold tears hit him, fall down on his bare shoulder and roll down, it felt like thorns stabbing everything within him. It all felt too much before he started crying himself.
Dirk spent the night there, although they barely spoke, the silence was rather nice. So many things were said in the silent hospital room, between of the two teenagers who were trying their best to survive. Dirk had talked sometimes, but mostly to himself. Dirk felt like it was his fault, somehow. And on one hand it might seem like it, but it was only Jake's fault and his fault only for feeling like this. Dirk even held his hand in comforting manner, of course, and Jake loved it so much that he started crying. It felt so blissful, so pure.
Even if this was against everything he ever stood for, it felt right. It felt like this was always meant to be, two of them, together as one. Maybe his only sin was that he tried to resist it so hard, maybe God was planning this all along.
He felt like he was reborn.