Work Text:
I need you
I need you
'cause without you, I'm afraid -
that there is no other way for my life to feel complete
'cause you are my source of peace
and I know that you believe in my capabilities,
so I hope that you can see that you mean so much to me
- When The Rain Starts, Infinity Song
~~~~
Most people leave a day or two after a funeral. They put their grief inside along with their carry-ons and make their way home with more weight than is quantifiable by TSA standards. When Eddie landed in L.A., he carried no medals or uniform, no emblem for the 118, and it felt wrong, made him feel empty-handed despite the suit in his bag he’d had dry-cleaned before he left El Paso.
Buck picked him up with a distant smile followed by a quick nod and Eddie knew it was suddenly too real, too hard, that Bobby is really gone. The hug was too short, only burdened by pain, cut off by the car horns that started going off and Buck insisted they get out there.
It doesn't feel like any surprise that he's slipped up after the funeral, lagging in returning to Texas, calling the wrong city home in front of Hen and Karen. Without meaning to. Or meaning to, he doesn't know. But he knows that Buck's been shutting in on himself and he's been too concerned to book a flight just yet.
All it takes is seeing a paper bag to derail.
“Said I was gonna get the groceries.” He doesn’t look up as he takes his jacket off. Buck keeps putting things away. Everything is dialed up to a hundred and the hairs on Eddie's neck stand up, the air uncomfortable.
“Well, I was out,” and Eddie hears that subtle tone underneath it all, the one where Buck is just on the precipice of revealing something. “It’s fine.”
And that’s laughable, but it remains dead silent. He can feel it. Buck preparing for when he's gone, preparing for the hurt, preparing to be abandoned and Eddie's exhausted with the reminder that he's not here, that he wasn't there to save Bobby. Exhausted that Buck thinks of himself so easily erased too.
“It doesn’t feel fine.”
But then Buck brings up the offer from El Paso Fire Department, like he’s been waiting for his chance, and Eddie immediately gets defensive, because it was so like Buck to find any reason to believe that Eddie’s keeping things from him because he wants to. But Buck is hurting, not talking and now the two of them are fighting, rolling in thunder together. Eddie's spilling out words that know exactly where to land to hurt Evan Buckley, just like he knows every corner and crevice of this kitchen, repainted or not.
He was going to tell him. It could have been a moment of joy but Eddie's not thinking about that, he's not thinking clearly at all. Grief claws its way up and he breaks, sharing about being in the dark after he got that phone call and being alone and useless. He chokes a sob, trying not to cry because he'd just wanted Buck to ask him, talk to him.
Instead, Buck's apologizing, and Eddie is trying to contain it all somehow, how it felt — not being there, but then —
"You don't think I did everything I could to save him?"
Eddie just wishes he had the chance, but he knows Buck isn't getting it. Still, he twists the knife deeper, "I don't know, Buck. I wasn't there."
He didn't have the chance to have Buck's back either, but now he's walking away from the kitchen's yellow walls screaming at him to wake up. Wake up.
Standing outside the front door, he breathes. For a moment, he doesn't know where home is. Wishes he asked Bobby which city was the better deal on a phone call, just one last time.
So he calls Christopher instead, even though it's late, even though his mom tells him 'Is that really a good idea?' once he tells her about getting a plane ticket. Eddie goes quiet over the line, the decision finalized, the answer that he's not playing tug-o-war with his kid anymore and she sighs, judgements made but no longer fighting him on it.
He sets an alarm for the morning and pauses before he leaves. Eddie thought about explaining more, but then he thought about the groceries, the way Buck is expecting him to flit in and out like it's nothing. It's still not nothing. He wouldn't do that, but he's feeling mildly petty that Buck thinks this is easy for him.
He leaves a note on folded up sheets that says he's going to the airport.
It's only when he's driving that he realizes he never even thought to take the house keys off the keyring when he moved to Texas. No wonder he feels so unsure. The job offer from El Paso Fire Department settling uncomfortably between his ribs, trapping him between two homes.
~~~~
Eddie starts waving before Christopher and his flight aide even spot him, a grin stretching wide on his face despite the long night tossing on the couch. It feels even better when Christopher grins back and Eddie locks his car when he walks to meet up with them, walking down the LAX arrival gates with a feeling he hadn't expected. Christopher hasn't been here since he first left, since Eddie messed up so bad he almost lost it all.
Eddie thinks that maybe he should have invited Christopher for the funeral too but his schedule made it hard to do, and he didn't want to be the parent who showed up just to pull him out of school again. But now…Eddie doesn't know how else to help Buck.
"You didn't tell him, did you?" Chris asks, once they're driving, his neck turning around like he forgot how much of L.A. there is to take in.
Eddie thinks his eyes might be twinkling, because Christopher looks at him when he doesn't respond but starts to smile like he's proud, like he's just as excited to surprise Buck.
Eddie just needs to say one thing.
"Listen, I might have…I wasn't exactly the nicest to Buck recently."
Christopher just snorts, "You…never really do apologies the simple way, do you, Dad?"
Eddie huffs a laugh at the sudden sass, but only hums when he doesn't have a better comeback.
"I called Tía Pepa too," Eddie says with a slight shrug. "She said she had a stroke recently. I thought it'd be good to see her now that she's healed up. We're gonna swing by to pick her up first."
"Oh," Christopher looks out the window, a muddled frown on his face that morphs into a smile. Eddie doesn't have long to study his son, keeping focus on the 405, but thinks he hears something big in Christopher's scratched voice. "Yeah. That sounds good."
Eddie doesn't push, but he can't help but wonder if Christopher ever thinks of L.A. as home too.
~~~~
"Please, you have to take some of the flan home with you. It was incredible, but I won't be able to finish all of this by myself."
Eddie stands in the doorway with a smile that's caught in its own loop, hasn't really found a way to disappear since he saw Chris and Buck reunite again.
Tonight, the colors on the walls and the furniture don’t seem to matter. He and Christopher are laughing together in the same spot as they have so many times before. He can see Buck in the corner of his eye, talking to his tía in the kitchen, and Eddie thinks everything is going to be okay. He can still feel this lucky, feel joy like he’s supposed to, right? Bobby would definitely want that.
His keys weigh heavily in his pocket. Christopher already said goodbye to Tía Pepa and made his way to the extra bedroom, rushing too quick to get on his Switch but he had been smiling so wide all night that Eddie only got the sense that his impulse did something right this time.
Pepa smacks Buck's arm, "You are not by yourself yet! Believe me when I tell you Eddito is going to sneak two after midnight. "
Buck's laugh is bright, lighter than it has been in days. Eddie drops his jaw in mock betrayal towards Pepa, even though his best friend probably already counted how many flan are left. Eddie’s heart sometimes squeezes in his chest painfully when he thinks about leaving, when he thinks about that yet Pepa mentioned.
"I better take my chances while you're both on the drive," Buck winks, the grin finally meeting his eyes and Eddie is just happy to see it, swallowing back anything he might be feeling in turn for a soft grin when the two of them hug a second time goodbye and Buck is laughing when he urges them out the door, promising to call Tía Pepa.
Eddie doesn’t have the words yet for why that makes him feel partly relieved.
~~~~
On the way to Pepa's, the traffic comes to a stagnant halt, and according to the radio, there's a crash site two miles ahead. Eddie briefly wonders how many engines and ambulances were sent, how severe it is. He also wonders if it’s different in El Paso’s department, if they eat meals together, or care about their coworkers’ kids and his leg starts to bounce in anticipation for cars to start moving even though he knows they never do.
"That was a nice family meal."
Eddie sees the smile in her eyes, the warmth he remembers every time he'd come to visit that was missing from his parents in El Paso. She'd so easily been able to bring Buck out of his shadowy corner and having Christopher there made it feel like home again too.
"Yeah, it was," he swallows back anything more than agreement, curious if there's more.
"It will be hard to do again with you so far away."
Eddie's skin prickles, because he's heard that tone before, that knowingness just before he would hear about some friend's single daughter, very pretty and charming and — and female.
But Eddie isn't ready to talk about why the thought of that unsettles him, makes him want to break the rules and have a place to fall apart where Chris or Buck can't see.
So he just buries it, plays dumb, shrugging with a solution that feels more like a lie on his tongue, "We can always fly out again this summer and have dinner at your place next time. What do you think?"
"Oh, cariño, that's very sweet. But I wasn't talking about me."
Eddie only looks at her, thinks he's not hiding his wide eyes and fear at being seen — and Eddie hasn't been able to find a way to say he's not sure about El Paso, but Chris is happy and that’s what matters in the end. Then Pepa says, "It seems Bobby was very important to both of you. But don't let the pain of loss and grief keep you from the joy of life forever, Eddie. You have to chase it."
Eddie frowns, "Isn't that what I did? Going to Texas for Chris?"
"Ay, ay," Pepa waves her hand, seemingly now eager to change the subject, "Yes, you did. You got your mijo back. But is that enough?"
It has to be, Eddie thinks. That's how it has to be.
But he thinks about how Buck smiled when Eddie told him they'd both be here at least until next weekend and suddenly he can't find it in him to answer. The cars start drifting forward. As they get closer, the subject changes to the market drama that Pepa paid attention to every Saturday with her coffee and paper. Eddie listens with rapt attention at the produce stand's war with deli meats because of interpersonal relationships. He’s not sure if she’s trying to insinuate something there.
When he drops her off, he plants a kiss to her cheek at her door, squeezing her in a gentle hug.
"Thank you for dinner tonight, tía."
"Oh, it's what families do. Buck was a great helper. You know…" She's got a twinkle in her eye that Eddie's mildly afraid of, but he's got no choice but to listen. "He told me it was nice to see you two together again, same as always. But I think that for you, Edmundo, it was nice to see those two together again, am I wrong?"
Eddie's out of defenses, shaking his head, clearing his throat in the process, "You're not wrong, Pepa." But he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He might be more afraid of facing what leaving means than anything else, so he shuts down. "Get some rest. I love you."
She looks concerned, but resigns to let it go, responding with her love and one last hug, followed by a pat on his shoulder that attempts to be encouraging but Eddie thinks his shoulders sink when he gets into his rental car.
On the drive home, the inside of his head is nothing but white noise and highway wind. When he came here for Bobby's funeral, he didn't expect to get a call from Chief Simpson. In part, it made it easier to come to L.A. because he makes his own schedule and there’d be no pressure for him to hurry back other than Christopher, but now — Christopher is here for a week. And a job offer that was supposed to be cut and dry felt anything but. Felt like the methane water setting aflame.
When Eddie gets back, he uses the key he's never let go of, steps inside to hear giggling in the kitchen. He takes off his shoes quietly, soaking it in, his heart pounding in his chest. Everything so familiar and so different. Maybe he and Buck were both dreaming this all up and everyone is okay.
But it's not a blip, it's a lifetime, and Eddie knows his eyes are wet when he looks at Buck and Christopher digging into the pan, laughing at their own mischief like no time had passed. Nothing else made sense, but this? Eddie's grinning before he starts taking off his coat.
"I hope you're sharing that, Buckley."
"Jesus ch—" Buck jumps, cutting himself off when he realizes he's been duped. Christopher is less surprised and more sheepish as he points to Buck for the blame. Eddie can't help but smirk, and proudly thinks of how much better this night feels compared to last night's argument.
Buck smiles to cover up his tracks, "Don't worry, you're in for a treat because Tía Pepa gave me the recipe."
Eddie's laugh is sudden and even Christopher raises his eyebrow at him when he shakes his head, still chuckling, "Of course she did."
"Eddie, I will not give out my recipes to just anyone. They must have my full trust, like a future wife would. They must be able to hold my loved ones in mind and in their heart as well."
"But you don't give me your recipes!"
"…only because you would butcher them." She patted his cheek. "You show your love in other actions."
Chris watches their exchange with a smile and Eddie then sees a frown develop from under the surface, his eyes saddening as he looks at the floor in thought.
“What is it?” Buck asks gently, a hand on Chris’ shoulder with his full attention and Eddie had forgotten how easily the two of them have always moved.
“Nothing,” Christopher says, his eyes too wide, keeping his thoughts to himself. Buck narrows his eyes suspiciously at his son for all the right reasons.
“Come on…”
“I just,” Christopher shrugs, but his face is older, burdened when he says, “I’ve missed it here.”
Eddie’s breathing stops, but Buck handles it better, his face kind with emotion, “Oh, I’ve missed you too, Chris. Believe me. But I think I’m due for a visit to Texas next, yeah?”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Chris says, nodding along. But it’s off, like he doesn’t fully mean it, like it’s a chess competition, and Eddie can recognize that same agreeability he just tried to save Chris from with his own parents being used for him. In an instant he knows that Christopher is still going along with what he thinks Eddie wants too and he feels the world spin.
Buck gives him another smile before excusing himself for the bathroom and Eddie can almost hear everyone saying he’s got to talk to his kid in the back of his head. And this time it works, because he feels like an idiot, like he missed a big fucking sign.
“Chris,” Eddie starts slowly, “Can I ask you something?”
“What, Dad?” Chris rolls his eyes, already able to tell it’s going to be something emotional.
“Is L.A. home for you too?”
But Christopher just sighs, “Home is… together. Like when we came here.” Then he tilts his head, “Are you having flan?”
Eddie laughs, his eyes wet when he looks at the pan with a soaring feeling in his chest. “Yeah, mijo, I’m digging in before it’s all gone.”
Eddie knows the conversation isn't quite over, but he's got a lot to think about before bringing it up again.
~~~~
Buck's at the end of a 48, filling out a form on a clipboard while gesturing with his hands to Hen and Chim about whatever was on the paper. Eddie said he'd be here at the end of the shift, but usually everyone's in their plainclothes by now, lockers closed out. So it already has his interest piqued.
"My captain supported my voice in speaking up?" Buck says, a horrified look on his face. "That doesn't even make sense. Gerrard's not making our vocal cords work."
"Buck, just fill the damn thing out and lie like the rest of us so we can please leave," Chimney grits through his teeth, then he sees Eddie and nods. "Your Eddie Uber is here anyways."
Buck turns his head, a smile spreading on his face when he sees him and Eddie smiles back, then looks at the rest of his team. Former team. Being here like this was strange.
Hen raises an eyebrow at him in greeting but she doesn't seem surprised to see him, if anything she's probably convinced he's going to move back here just for this. He's definitely missed it, but having that extra time to focus on his kid has been worth every minute. And things were better since Christopher's been living with him.
Bobby dying changes everything, shifts the world, and meant that Christopher was alone with his parents while Eddie flew to L.A. for the funeral.
The bell starts ringing and Eddie jumps to action instinctively, then quickly realizes it's not his place anymore.
Ravi groans under his breath, "We were almost out of here."
"Guys, Maddie says an apartment building Athena was just at could potentially collapse. There was no time for evacuation. We gotta go!" Buck tells them looking up from his phone at the text.
Eddie breathes through his nose, because the other option is that he starts moving, that he starts putting gear on, but he's not allowed to do that yet. He's supposed to wait for his chance back in El Paso.
He watches the 118 pull out of the station within twenty seconds, alarms blaring as he stays rooted in place and they go into the unknown without him. The station becomes silent a minute after and Eddie feels the emptiness of it, Bobby’s footprint on this station not forgotten but passed over.
And maybe if Bobby were still here, Eddie would only have to give him one look to say he’s going in to watch after their Buck. But he’s not here and Eddie feels just as ethereal, just as much of a footprint.
He doesn't want to get another phone call.
~~~~
He's home when he sees the news of the building and just hearing over 100 residents are still inside is enough to shock him.
He met eyes with Christopher over the couch, but was surprised to find his son beaming with pride, gathering his crutches and standing up.
"Yeah, Dad, I think they need you."
Because Eddie can't help himself, he drives Christopher over to Karen's and then heads to the scene while making a quick phone call.
He looks for the 118 engine and sees Gerrard yelling into the radio, feels an unsettling concern in his chest.
"Son, you need to take a step back," an officer tells him, holding up the security line and Eddie doesn't hold back this time.
"Let me talk to Athena Grant or Captain Gerrard."
With a raised eyebrow, the guard speaks into his radio. Eddie sees Athena turn a corner and look at him with her hand already raised in question as if to say, 'What's the meaning of this?'
"Let me go in there," Eddie begs, a gnawing feeling like panic rises and tightens up, and then — releases.
"I wasn't there for Bobby, I know that, and I'm sorry but I need to be in there with them, I need to be there for Buck — and I — I think Bobby would want that. Too," Eddie swallows what feels like ash and dust in the air, the bitterness of how Bobby wasn't here to say so, to pull him back in their web.
Athena raises an eyebrow, considering him neither kindly nor unkindly. Eddie worries he's overstepped, presuming to know what Bobby might want at all was a bold move. Frankly, he's always had a hard time reading her so he just waits.
"Well?" she asks, waving a hand expectantly, "Go get suited up. As far as I'm concerned, you're a Good Samaritan in who borrowed some really advanced gear. And Eddie, do me a favor?"
"Yeah?"
"My late husband held open a spot for you with the 118 for a reason. I would wisely consider it," she says pointedly.
Eddie hums at her request, grinning when she only gives him another look, able to tell he was up to something. "Yes, ma'am," he nods, "Thank you."
He refuses to waste any more time, jogging over to Gerrard, who's got that scrunched look on his face. But shockingly, he just throws Eddie a key. "Took you long enough, Diaz. Hurry up. There's a third floor structural beam that's going to sink the whole thing. I want all of you out of there in three minutes."
Eddie acts fast, the movements familiar, exhilirating. He's running towards the blaze in nineteen seconds.
~~~~
If it wasn't for Buck glaring underneath his helment, it's almost like he never left California. Hen jokes she doesn't remember rehiring him and Chimney insists that 'even though this reunion is touching, there's over 3 tons of concrete still threatening to topple on us'.
They can't trust that their lines won't push the structure too far with weight, crashing down around them. No surface seemed particularly stable. So, they have to pair up, holding the line so one of them could descend to get the remaining survivors while another pulls them up.
To no one's surprise, Buck announces he's going down.
Two minutes.
The sinking feeling in his chest doesn't dissipate. He thinks this might be the reason he felt the need to be here so badly, why he hasn't left, so sure that Buck might take on saving all of them like it was the main mission, throwing himself into fire.
Buck doesn't want to lose anyone else, but he keeps forgetting that Eddie can't live without him.
Maybe Buck finds it easier to mask it all knowing that Eddie's going back to El Paso because when Eddie's hand circles around his wrist, he's already wearing that indignant expression so well.
"Together?" Eddie asks, trying not to give himself away.
Buck clearly doesn't expect that, face softening instantly. He's shaking his head in a nod and no more words need to be said. They've done this a thousand times.
They make quick work of two rounds, taking four people up. It goes quickly, efficiently but Eddie doesn't dare think it's too easy. There were minor injuries sustained but they're still missing —
"Faith!" A scream from above, the mother they saved is calling for her daughter. Buck draws from more of the line, the fire in the corner of the room suddenly sparking.
Thirty seconds.
Eyes wildly scanning the room, lifting debris, searching for anything — any sign of life.
"EDDIE!"
Eddie turns around, thinking maybe he found Faith and then there's a vibration under his heels. It happens too fast. Buck's blue eyes widen and Eddie's arm reaches out but it's too late, the floor gives out beneath them.
He feels the moment of free-fall and looks at Buck before they're both falling and then the line tugs, jerking his body in the air but time stills and Buck's line is going to break. All the noise drowns out and Eddie doesn't think, just acts and then, he's falling, reaching for Buck whose eyes are wide with fear, who thinks this is his worst nightmare — because he's already seen Eddie die once, eyes on him until what he thought was the end.
But that's not what's happening this time.
"Duck!" Eddie shouts covering both of their heads when they land and then — everything goes dark.
~~~~
It's not like dying. It's more like waking up from a dream, languid and surreal. Eddie wakes up with a searing pain too slowly, like his bones could creak, or maybe like a few bones might be broken or he has too many bones. It's enough to remember what happened and his eyes open to see Buck shaking only a foot away from him, holding his shirt up to his bleeding arm. There's a little girl Eddie assumes is Faith next to him but Buck doesn't explain that, busy focusing the rudest stare he could muster at Eddie Diaz.
He feels like he might have missed some time.
"You okay?"
"Thanks to you," Buck answers, but his jaw clenches. "Why the hell did you cut your line? Again?" Buck crosses his arms. Faith watches the motion and then looks at him with her mouth open, immediately knowing he's in trouble. Eddie hopes Christopher isn't too mad at him either.
Eddie sits up, immediately grimacing, holding his side, "I think I cracked a rib."
"I think you broke your arm too."
Fuck. Eddie shouts when he tries to move his left arm, then stays still. Buck's right.
"Eddie," he repeats, trying to get an answer.
"Because I knew we'd be okay," he tries to shrug, like it's nothing, but it's not working this time. Buck's eyes redden, filling up as he shakes his head. And yeah, yeah, it's not nothing. "Because," Eddie steps closer, hears voices shouting from above them. Buck's got that look on his face, considering Eddie twice, like he needs to figure out just how to carve a space in Eddie's life right now. "Chris and I aren't moving back to L.A. just to watch you die too. So if I can still have your back any day, well, I'm going to."
That stuns him enough, erases the furrow between his eyebrows and Eddie can finally smile about it, finally huff a short laugh and be proud that Buck is the first to know.
"What?"
"Think I can swing a one-time consulting fee for today though?" Eddie asks him, his tone light, and Faith giggles under her breath.
"You're moving back?" Buck asks, his voice softer than its been in days, like he never thought he'd get to have that again. Eddie's missed him way too much.
"I'm coming home."
Eddie's not drinking the water but he's certainly diving into joy, and he just laughs again, throwing his unbroken arm around Buck in a half-hug even though it stings his rib. Buck's glances at his lips after, laughing with him, and Eddie thinks they have some things to talk about, maybe above ground.
But for now, he has a second to brush his thumb on Buck's birthmark, wiping away a small amount of ash. "I do need you, Buck. We both do."
Buck isn't able to say anything, but Eddie sees enough in his eyes.
The bustling from overhead turns out to be a crane lifting the last slab of concrete that caved and was hiding them away. Sunlight starts beaming over them, along with the silhouettes of a very angry Athena, an exasperated Hen, and a Chimney who looks annoyed that he's going to have to tell Maddie about this.
Eddie grins sheepishly.
It's good to be home.