Chapter Text
Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I’m afraid you’re never satisfied
Here we go again
We’re sick like animals
We play pretend
You’re just a cannibal
And I’m afraid I won’t get out alive
No, I won’t sleep tonight
Oh, oh, I want some more
Oh, oh, what are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh, oh, I want some more
Oh, oh, what are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
-“Animal” by Neon Trees
“I…have a really weird favor to ask.”
Sergeant James “Bucky” Barnes arched a dark eyebrow at me. “Wow, that’s a first.”
I let out a soft chuckle. “I know. You wouldn’t think an actress would need the help of a badass Avenger, but here we are.”
And I wasn’t lying. I’d met Bucky Barnes by total coincidence. He’d gone to a production of August Wilson’s Seven Guitars and I’d played the part of Vera Dodson, the main love interest to Floyd “Schoolboy” Barton. I’d been acting for over a decade and loved it, doing all sorts of roles, but stage plays held a special spot in my heart for love of the process. Live acting had all kinds of quirks to it, after all. Bucky had come up to meet me after the performance and raved about the play, but he liked my part in particular. We went and had a drink that night, found out we had a lot in common, and struck up a casual friendship that later evolved into a genuine one. I’d known him just under a year, but by now, we were in a comfortable place in the friendship, hanging out a few times a month and texting during the work week. I always told him not to go out of his way to be with me if he was busy, but he always cheerfully ignored me and carved out time for me in his busy schedule of saving the world.
He sat on my couch in his usual pose—one arm trailing along the back of the couch, the other petting the sleepy black cat, Binx, draped across his thigh. My cat adored Bucky, for Bucky had a cat named Alpine at home, so he loved smelling another cat and also being around a cat person. Bucky was good around dogs, but preferred cats, so it was yet another thing we had in common. He wore a grey t-shirt, black jeans, and boots, his leather jacket hanging in the guest closet by the door. I lived in a quaint apartment in Brooklyn, so it made visiting easier for both of us.
I wrung my hands. “Right, so, you know that part in that play that I auditioned for two weeks ago?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Well, I got it.”
His face lit up. “Awesome, sweetheart. Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling a little bashfully. “I’m glad I got it too, but…therein lies the problem. I got a call this morning that they have cast my opposite, the love interest. It’s Zack Thompson.”
Bucky’s brows shot up in surprise. “Wow. He’s a big deal these days, nice catch.”
“Y-Yeah, but that’s sort of the problem,” I said, color rising in my cheeks. “He’s stupid levels of hot. Just so hot. And they sent my copy of the script this morning too and he and I…are going to be…intimate…”
“Is that a problem?”
“Normally, it wouldn’t be, but…” I sighed. “God, there’s no way this won’t sound fucking awkward.”
I cleared my throat. “First off, stop me if this is way too inappropriate. I mean it.”
Again, he looked surprised, but nodded. “Go on.”
“I…discovered while reading ahead in the script that he and I are going to do something that’s…for lack of a better word, one of my kinks.”
Bucky then licked his lips, shifting slightly, though not enough to wake the cat. “Oh, hell.”
“Yes, exactly,” I groaned. “And normally, I’m fine. I don’t get aroused during love scenes because they’re a logistical nightmare and not the least bit sexy, but since we’re doing something that personally turns me on, I’m—for lack of a better word—too flustered to run the scene with Thompson. I’m worried that once it’s time to start rehearsing, my acting will suffer for it. I’ll be too nervous to do the scene right and it’ll hold up production, so…”
I took a deep breath. “The favor I’m asking is if I can…use you during practice.”
Bucky blinked at that. “Me? Like you wanna rehearse with me?”
“Yes, if it’s okay with you.”
“Why me? I’m not an actor, obviously.”
“Don’t laugh,” I warned.
He held up his hands in surrender. “Wouldn’t dare.”
I closed my eyes. “I want to rehearse with a guy that is super fucking hot so that when it’s time to rehearse with him, I’ve been completely desensitized to having an incredibly attractive guy do something that I consider one of my kinks.”
Silence. I dared to peek at him finally.
He was grinning at me.
“Oh,” Bucky said, visibly choking down laughter. “That’s why.”
“Don’t you dare,” I growled. “If I hear one single giggle, I’ll castrate you.”
“Who’s laughing?” he said innocently. “Not me.”
“Uh-huh,” I said, glaring and folding my arms. “You’re just eating this up, aren’t you?”
“You did call me super fucking hot,” he reminded me. “I’m allowed, sorta.”
I sighed and whirled around to leave. “Forget it, I knew this was a bad idea.”
“Oh, stop it,” he fussed, catching my wrist and dragging me back to stand between his knees. “I’m just teasing you. Everything you just said makes sense. I know your work ethic; you just wanna do a good job on the production.”
“Then you’ll consider it?”
“Don’t need to consider it. I’m fine with helping you.”
I blinked at him again. “But you haven’t heard what the kink is yet. Don’t you want to hear it before you agree?”
“It’s you, isn’t it?”
I shifted my weight nervously. “Well…yeah.”
He smiled. “Then I’m fine with whatever. S’nothing you could do to make me change how I feel about you. Relax. It’s work, right? We’ll treat it like it’s just work.”
“Oh. Um. Yeah, that’s probably for the best, treating it like work.” I was relieved he’d said yes, but surprised it didn’t faze him. He was naturally shy and introverted outside of the house, though indoors, he had a much richer personality than people thought. He was downright considerate and supportive, especially to someone like me that had nothing to do with SHIELD and superheroes. But then again, maybe that was why he liked me at all. I brought a degree of normalcy to his life.
“When do you want to get started?” he asked.
“Well, I start rehearsing with him in two weeks, so pretty soon here, but I don’t want to rush you since you’re going to be new at this. I’ll have you read his lines and then practice the, um, blocking.” I tried to suppress another blush as the mental image tried to surface.
He glanced at his watch. “I have some afternoon errands, but I can come back tonight if you want to get it out of the way early.”
“Up to you. I don’t want to make you change your schedule.”
“No plans tonight, sweetheart, don’t worry.” He then smirked. “Now why don’t you tell me what that kink is, since you’ve been stalling?”
I groaned and buried my burning face in one hand. “I hate you.”
“Mm-hmm.” He poked my stomach. “Talk.”
“Fine.” I flopped down next to him on the couch, still hiding my face so my voice came out partially muffled. “There’s a scene where he runs his thumb along my bottom lip and says, ‘good girl’ before he kisses me.”
I could hear him suppressing laughter. “Oh. Yeah, with a guy that handsome, it’s a problem, alright. I take it you have a praise kink?”
“A bad one,” you whined. “It’s so pathetic.”
“It’s not pathetic,” he admonished me. “It’s human. And I’ll be real—it’s fuckin’ cute as hell on you.”
I peeked through my fingers. “Are you fucking with me?”
“No.” He smirked. “But I could be if you ask nicely.”
“Stoooooop!” I wailed and he just laughed, easing my cat from his lap as he got up. “That’s not fair!”
“Life’s not fair, sweet pea,” he said, kissing my forehead. “Gotta go. You got a copy of the script for me so I can start learning the blocking?”
“Yeah, on the counter,” I mumbled, still blushing up a storm. “Meet me back here at seven. I’ll cook as my way of saying thank you. And I can pay for you for helping me if you want—”
“Forget it,” Bucky said as he pulled on his jacket and then grabbed his copy of the script. Then he flashed me a sly smile. “After all, what are super fucking hot friends for?”
I glowered. “Ha-ha-fucking-ha, Barnes. Go away.”
He chuckled. “Later, babe.”
And with that, he was gone.
Bucky was a meat-and-potatoes kinda guy, so I whipped up two thick cut ribeye steaks, mashed potatoes with homemade gravy, and a Greek salad. I also grabbed a pack of his favorite beer and some mid-level scotch. He couldn’t get drunk, but he liked scotch just for the taste, and I needed to be adequately lubricated (read: drunk) before attempting the first run-through with Bucky playing Zack’s role. I knew tonight could get rather intimate, so I wore a plain black tank top and black jogging pants with two white streaks up the side. Lightweight clothing was a must when I knew damn well I’d get hot and bothered.
I opened the door after he knocked to find him on the welcome mat with the script, plus a half-gallon of butter pecan ice cream. As usual, he looked like a fucking snack and a half in a black t-shirt, dark wash jeans, and boots, a jacket over the ensemble, that casual smile on his lips as he saw me. It had taken months to not react to that smile; like Zack Thompson, Bucky was stupid levels of hot and I never forgot it. I'd simply taught myself to get over it. “Evening, girlie.”
“Evening, Buck,” I said, kissing his cheek and taking his jacket as he removed it. “You didn’t have to bring anything, you know.”
“I know. I just like spoiling you.” He winked, pleased that it had made me giggle, and then headed for the kitchen to put the ice cream away. “Smells good. You really went all out, huh?”
“Guilt is an excellent motivator,” I admitted, pulling down plates and cups. He hip-checked me as he got his plate.
“I told you, it’s fine,” he reminded me. “I don’t mind helping out. Hell, at least I’m not running through a jungle in Brazil or fighting guys on a frozen lake in Siberia.”
“Point taken. I guess I didn’t think of it that way.”
“Trust me, this is nothing after I had to put up with John Walker while we were dissolving the Flag Smashers. Now talk to me about your acting process preparing for a role. I want to know what I should know before we start practicing.”
“Sure.” We sat at my little kitchen table and I gave him the rundown on my acting process, plus the way the intimacy coordinator would work with me and Thompson individually ahead of the scene, then he and I would rehearse while discussing touch points and the emotional choreography of the scene. He asked plenty of questions, further relaxing me as I saw how respectful and open-minded he was about helping me out. He really was such a good guy. I was beyond lucky to have him in my life.
After dinner, I drank three-fingers’ worth of scotch and then did my acting warmups, which amused the hell out of Bucky since he’d never seen them before. I then shook out my body as much as possible and took deep, cleansing breaths. “Okay. There’s no way this isn’t fucking awkward, but I’m gonna try my best to reduce how awkward it gets.”
“This is a no judgment zone,” he reminded me. “You don’t judge me for my past, so I’m not gonna judge you for your present, okay?”
“I know. I’m just…” I cut myself off before I kept blabbering nervously. “Right. So, first things first, being an actor means being okay with…reactions that the body has to stimuli. Don’t get embarrassed if you naturally feel anything during the process. We know it happens and it’s absolutely fine. After all, the body doesn’t notice or care that the touches aren’t real, so be prepared for that. Feel free to call timeout at any time and I’ll listen.”
“Got it. What else?”
“There are a few ways we can try it out to see how bad my reaction is and then adjust accordingly. The key to acting is often introspection and repetition. I guess the closest term I can think of is immersion therapy. I’m hoping that just practicing with you eventually bypasses the nervous part of my brain and just experiencing it safely with someone I trust gets rid of the jitters.”
Bucky nodded. “Do you want to do stoplight colors? Y’know, red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go?”
I stared at him. “Please never say that to me again.”
He arched an eyebrow. I shook myself, then explained. “Sorry, ignore me. I am horrified yet overjoyed to know you know what that is in the first place.”
Bucky grinned. “Are you now?”
“Zip it, you. Yes, colors are a good idea for our first run-through.”
He chuckled. “Fine. Where do you want me?”
I gestured to the den where I’d pushed the flat-screen on its TV stand and the coffee table aside to give us clear space. “You’ll need to basically back me up against the wall and then do the touch and the line.”
I pointed to the bright green electrical tape on the floor indicating his mark. “So start here and cross over to me. I’m going to back up to the wall and then you’ll lean down to do the touch.”
“Got it. Do you want me to kiss you?”
I gnawed my bottom lip guiltily without answering. He lifted his brows. “Ah, need an answer on that one, hon.”
“I’m thinking.”
He laughed as he realized what I was getting at. “Okay, we’ll put a pin that question for later. Ready?”
“Not even fucking slightly.” I stooped, picked up his glass, then drank the rest of the scotch. Then I shook myself out again and took several paces back from him to my mark in the middle of the den. “Okay. Give it to me.”
Bucky smirked. “You know how many times I’ve pictured you saying that to me?”
“Goddammit,” I groaned, which just made him chuckle. “I hate you.”
“I know. What’s the cue for me to start the scene?”
“Oh, uh, just the basics—action to start, cut to stop, colors if I need to break character.”
“Ten-four.”
“Action.” Bucky stood up. I didn’t flinch. He walked towards me with steady steps. When he made it halfway to me, I started to walk backwards until my shoulder blades hit the wall. Bucky followed me and by the time he made it inside my personal space, my heart rate was in the millions and I was utterly flustered. His hand lifted towards my face and I squeezed my eyes shut, squeaking, “Red!”
He instantly took a full step back from me. I covered my flaming face with both hands. “Jesus Christ, Bucky.”
He chuckled softly. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s me, not you. Fucking hell.” I clutched my chest and sagged against the wall, trying to calm down. “You didn’t even touch me and I freaked out. Awesome.”
“Again, you’re human,” he reminded me. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I know, but I’m supposed to be a goddamn professional,” I whined. “Why did it have to be this?”
Bucky smirked. “We attract what we fear, remember? Besides, you’re a really good actress. Something was bound to eventually come around that gave you trouble. I mean, you aced that part in Seven Guitars. It’s okay if you finally found something that challenges you.”
Or massively turns you on, I thought guiltily. But I wasn’t about to say that out loud. “Thank you for saying so. God. Okay, maybe slower? Try walking slower, see if that makes any difference.”
“Sure.” He went back to his mark and I did the same.
“Action.” Bucky made his gait slower, more purposeful, almost like a swagger. I backtracked again, but my stupid gaze fixed on the way his narrow hips rolled when he walked and by the time he made it to me, I yelped, “Red!” again.
“Fuck, I think that made it worse, not better,” I admitted. “You probably don’t know this about yourself, but you have what people call a strut and it’s devastating.”
Bucky chuckled. “Wasn’t aware of that, no. Sorry.”
“Again, stop apologizing. It’s me, not you.” I closed my eyes and tried to think. “Alright, so slow and steady isn’t the way to go either.”
“Can I make a suggestion?”
I nodded, opening my eyes again. “Of course.”
“I think you’re giving yourself too much time to think about it and that’s why you get anxious. What if I ambush you, basically? Make it so fast your brain doesn’t have time to overthink.”
I rolled the suggestion around in my head. He had a point. If I had less time to react, it could affect how flustered I got. “I think it’s worth a shot, yeah.”
“Okay.” He went back to his mark and so did I. I took deep, cleansing breaths until my heart rate went back to normal and the cold itchy feeling in my palms went away.
“And…action.”
Bucky stalked towards me quickly. My stomach dropped into my feet somewhere as I backpedaled and hit the wall, but this time, he made it all the way to placing his hands on my shoulders before I couldn’t help myself. “Red!”
He took his usual step back, but smiled. “You did better that time.”
“Did I?” I mumbled, dizzy and dazed from how flustered I’d gotten. “Yay me.”
Bucky licked the edge of his lips. It was quite distracting. “Can I ask you something personal?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“When’s the last time you…” He cleared his throat. “Y’know.”
“Ah, that’d be…” I frowned. “Shit. About five months ago?”
His brows shot up. “Wow, that long ago?”
“Damn, you’re right. I didn’t realize it had been that long. It’s not on purpose; I’ve had back to back gigs and I don’t date my costars. Maybe I’m a little…” I winced. “…touch-starved.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was starting to think too,” he said, running a hand through his short hair. “I think maybe we’re jumping ahead too much and that’s why you can’t relax.”
“Jumping ahead? Where do you think we should start?”
He paused. “Trying to think of a way to phrase it that doesn’t sound like I’m trying to get some.”
I laughed weakly. “Oh, that ship has sailed, sarge. Just go ahead and tell me.”
Bucky snorted in amusement. “We could just start with touches. I know you’re comfortable around me from how long we’ve known each other, but I’ve only touched you a little bit in the past. You’re not used to me touching you, so maybe we start there. Once you’re used to it being me, maybe we can bypass the other part that’s making you nervous.”
“You do have a point,” I said, brushing my shoulder-length hair back. “When I’ve done love scenes or kissing scenes in the past, I sit the other actor down and we have an open discussion of boundaries, then we rehearse the blocking.”
I fidgeted. “But it…depends on how intimate you’re comfortable with.”
He shrugged a shoulder. “Pretty comfortable in my own skin. Your comfort levels matter more right now.”
I nodded. “Okay, then let’s pause on the blocking. Where’s a good place to start?”
Bucky went back to the couch and sat. He scooted down somewhat with his legs open, then smirked and beckoned me. It was dead sexy and nearly made me faint. I tried not to trip as I walked over to him, my pulse in the thousands, palms cold again.
He rested his hands on my hips. They felt warm and heavy through the thin material, so I suppressed a shiver and forced myself not to move away.
“Easy,” he murmured as he saw my breathing pick up exponentially. “It’s okay. It’s just me. Just Bucky.”
Bucky lifted my hands and rested them on his shoulders. I blushed automatically as the way I stood put his head a few inches below my breasts. He then gently started to stroke up and down my sides, never going any higher than the bottom of my rib cage. “Close your eyes,” he whispered.
I obeyed. It helped somewhat. “Deep breaths, nice and slow.”
Again, I obeyed. “Tell me why you get nervous when I get close to you.”
I licked my lips. “Um.”
“I told you, it’s okay,” he murmured. “Relax. Tell me.”
“I like you,” I said softly. “And I’m nervous because I’m attracted to you and I don’t want to do something stupid that messes up our friendship.”
“Like what?”
I blushed hard. “Kiss you.”
“Do you want to kiss me?”
“Sometimes,” I whispered shamefully.
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Yes. No.” I sighed in frustration. “I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“Do you want something to happen between us? Be honest.”
I licked my lips again nervously. “I’m not sure?”
“That’s why,” he said softly. “I think the indecision is why you get nervous. You’re not sure if it would be a good or bad thing if something happened between us, so you’re kinda caught in the middle. You’re right—being an actress means you have to be in-tune with your own body and your reactions to intimacy. Would it help you relax if you knew nothing was going to happen between us?”
I thought that over for a moment. “Um, it might? If I knew for sure that I wasn’t going to mess this up?”
“You won’t,” he assured me. “I promise.”
“Then yeah, I think it might help.”
“Okay.” Gently, he tugged me forward. Eventually, my legs parted and he sat me in his lap. Naturally, my eyes popped open then. He rested my hands on his broad shoulders and then wrapped his around my hips, our bodies totally flush to one another on the couch. Again, my heart rate tripled, but he just stroked the small of my back with his right hand until the tension started to seep out of me.
“Relax,” he breathed. “Nothing’s gonna happen, okay? You’re safe with me, I promise.”
I swallowed hard. “God, you smell good.”
He smirked. “To be fair, so do you.”
“This is absolutely the most nerve-wracking thing I’ve ever done and I’ve been on a high wire before, for God’s sake.”
Bucky chuckled softly. “Like I said. We attract the things we fear.”
I nibbled my bottom lip. “How long do I have to sit in your lap?”
“Until it stops making you nervous.”
“What if I never stop being nervous?”
He smirked. “Then I guess we’re stuck here forever.”
I snorted. “Smartass.”
I then glanced down at his metal arm around my hips. “It’s not cold. I thought it’d be cold.”
“Nah, my body heat always warms it back up.” He sent me a flirty look. “Just FYI, if you end up doing this with Zack, I’m gonna get jealous.”
That finally broke the tension by making me laugh. “I very much doubt I’ll be in his lap for the rehearsal.”
“Good, a smile, that’s better. Do you want to try the line?”
I bit my bottom lip. “Uh.”
“What?”
“Not gonna lie…I have no idea how I’d react to you calling me a good girl while I’m already sitting in your lap. I might spontaneously combust. Or pass out. Both seem likely.”
“Will you be more anxious thinking about it or doing it?”
Hmm, he had a point. He’d hit the nail on the head about my indecision. “I…guess the only thing is getting over my embarrassment? I mean, you said so yourself--nothing’s gonna happen between us, so I’m just hesitant that I’d make a fool of myself in front of you.”
“I think you’re adorable,” he said. “I won’t make fun, okay? Do you want to try it tonight or give yourself more time to adjust?”
I groaned and dropped my forehead onto his collarbone to hide my burning face. “We probably should test it out tonight, that way I can strategize.”
His chest shook with laughter. “So cute.”
“Oh, hush.” I sat up and took another very deep breath, then fixed my gaze on his. “Alright, go on. Destroy me already.”
His smirk widened. “Dreamt about you saying that too. You have a good batting average.”
I glared. “Bucky.”
He chuckled some more. “Sorry.”
He paused long enough to brush a lock of hair behind my ear, then murmured, “Good girl.”
Dear God.
The level of heat that entered my idiotic body at that one utterance was hotter than the sun.
“Nope!” I cried, burying my face in his chest before he could see my facial expression. “Nope, nope, nope, not even close to ready for that.”
He hugged me to him, laughing. “That’s fair, baby, it’s okay.”
“This is the worst idea I’ve ever had.”
“It is not.” He kissed the top of my head. “Alright, why don’t we take a little break and do an exercise?”
I finally sat up in his lap. “What kind of exercise?”
“Tell me something your boyfriend would do that you liked. A touch, any touch.”
I considered that. “I mean, this is pretty close, but I guess cuddling on the couch watching TV?”
“Perfect.”
He leaned forward enough to grab the remote and flipped on my flat-screen. He slid me off his lap, then tucked me against his side, my legs dangling over his thighs, his arm around my shoulders. It was a close and comfortable embrace, but not too tight. He turned on The Mummy (1999), which was at about the halfway point, as he knew it was one of my comfort food movies. As the familiar lines of witty dialogue and the wonderful action-adventure story carried on, I slowly relaxed one minute at a time next to him.
“Better?” he asked several minutes in, glancing over my relaxed posture.
“Yeah,” I admitted softly, my eyes falling shut all on their own. He smelled like leather and aftershave. He smoothed his Vibranium hand up my nape and then gently played with the ends of my hair, lightly caressing my scalp every so often. I nearly sighed. It was immensely soothing and sexy as hell. “God, why are you so good at this?”
“Gone without for a very long time,” he admitted quietly. “It makes me remember things that girls like more…vividly, I guess?”
“Kudos. I could fall asleep in your lap right now. That’s one of the biggest compliments ever in my book.”
I then frowned, sliding my chin to rest on his shoulder. “Has it been a long time since your last, uh, hookup?”
“A while, yeah. It’s kinda hard to date when you’re semi-famous and all the way infamous.”
“True. It’d be difficult finding a woman that likes you for you and not because you’re just hot and infamous. You don’t strike me as someone that just has sex willy-nilly. You want the girl to like you and that’s extremely valid.”
“Mm-hmm.” Bucky shifted slightly. “You do realize you’re doing that, right?”
“Hmm?”
He glanced down at his chest. I followed his gaze and realized in horror that I’d be rubbing his abdomen absently while we were talking and it was turning him on.
“Jesus Christ,” I said, snatching my hand back. “Sorry, that was incredibly not okay.”
“Easy. Not offended. Just wasn’t sure you knew that you were doing it.” He paused, licking his lower lip again as if considering something. “If you always do that with your boyfriend, maybe I need to audition for real.”
I stifled giggles. “So it’s that easy to win you over, huh? Just need belly rubs?”
“Well, I am a cat person,” he said, nodding to Binx asleep on the other half of the couch. “Some cats like belly rubs.”
We shared the same smile. I realized what he was really saying to me, really asking me, and…maybe it was the time we’d already spent breaking down walls, but I didn’t mind it at all. I rubbed his stomach again. He watched me this time. The tension stretched between us like taffy. It was something I didn’t see a lot, but caught a glimpse here and there with some romantic roles. It excited me to no end, this new avenue in our friendship, however many lines we’d already crossed.
“I like it,” I whispered. “I like being close to you, Bucky.”
“Mm.” He lowered his face, not to kiss me, but to whisper in my ear. “Good girl.”
I shuddered hard, biting my bottom lip. “Fuck.”
“Easy,” he reminded me, sliding his hand down my outer thigh to help me relax. “It’s okay. You’re safe. How did that make you feel?”
“Terrified,” I whispered, my eyes closed, trying to control my breathing as arousal coursed through me like the scotch I’d had earlier. “Too much to handle.”
He pushed my hair away from my cheek. “Too much like red or yellow or too much like green?”
“Green,” I mumbled, my hand sliding up his stomach towards his pecs all by itself. “Probably dangerously green, if I’m being honest.”
He studied me for a thoughtful second as I played with his dog tags, then gently scooped me up and put me in his lap again. “I had a thought.”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think breaking the tension would help?”
“How so?”
“I go back on my word, for one,” he said quietly, lightly stroking up and down my spine.
“Uh,” I said, my pulse racing all over again. “Does that…mean what I think it means?”
“Yeah,” he murmured. “What if we had sex to break the tension and see if it helps you feel comfortable enough to do the blocking and run the line?”
He’d said it. He’d actually said it. It had been hanging in the air for the last few minutes, but he’d gone for it. Holy shit.
“I…” I swallowed hard. “I don’t know how to answer honestly and not selfishly.”
“Selfishly?” he echoed.
“W-Well, it’s just…yes, I think breaking the tension might help, but at the same time, I was attracted to you on sight when we met so my intentions aren’t the least bit pure. It might help, but I also just want to fuck the ever loving shit out of you because you’re handsome and sensual and funny and I like you, so…not really sure how to fairly answer the question.”
He nodded slowly. “You’re worried it’d just be an excuse and you’d be using me?”
“Yeah, that, and…I wouldn’t ever want you to feel that way. You’re not some himbo. You’re not a piece of ass. You’re a really great guy, Bucky. You’re special. To everyone, to me, so I just…I don’t know the right answer.”
He watched me from under his lashes. “Alright, last question.”
I shivered as he lightly played with my nape again. “Have you ever asked your boyfriend to call you a good girl during sex?”
Oh, God. I tried not to panic at the very thought. “N-No, I haven’t. Been too shy.”
Bucky sighed, nodding. “Guessed that. I’m sorry you’ve never felt comfortable enough with a guy to try it, but…”
His thumb rubbed along my lower lip. “You could do that with me, if that’s something you want. Maybe if you experience it with someone you trust, then you won’t be so hung up on it during rehearsal. It’s just a suggestion. You can say no and we can try other things; I won’t be upset or anything. It’s just…you seem like you need to be taken care of. I think some of that anxiety is from being touch starved, so if you were with someone filling that need, maybe it wouldn’t be a factor during your performance.”
Shit. He had an excellent point, really. One I had pushed into the back of my head and buried under concrete for fear of the answer, which turned out to be yes. Yes, he would fuck me and call me a good girl if I wanted that with him. I’d convinced myself he’d never want me that way in return, which made him “safe” in my head. And now he wasn’t and I felt…
I felt…
“What about you?” I said finally after I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You talked about my needs, but what about yours?”
He smiled. “Making a safe place for you is enough for me. I wouldn’t feel used, sweetheart, I promise. I like this—I like us—and I’d like us whether we kept it platonic or we explored the kink together. I just like spending time with you.”
I rested my forehead on his, cupping those gorgeous cheekbones and feeling his five o’clock shadow. “I’m safe to be around you, but…are you safe with me around?”
His pupils dilated then. “Bold of you to assume I want you to be safe for me.”
“Damn you,” I whispered, and then kissed him slowly, passionately, holding it for a long breath. Pleasure saturated me in a hot rush. He’d been hard since I’d sat in his lap and I’d done everything in my power not to notice, but I loved the insane excitement of the kiss and the danger of blurring the line between friendship and sex and intimacy. His lips were achingly soft and plush and he exhaled a hungry groan against my mouth when I found the will to pull away from the kiss.
“Yes,” I whispered back. “Yes, I’d like to fuck you, Bucky.”
He smiled slowly and said the only thing that mattered: “Good girl.”