Chapter Text
You know when you get the gut feeling that something terrible is going to take place? Maybe not on the same day, but very soon, something was going to happen that may change the trajectory of your life.
Okay, maybe that is too much, but as a certified overthinker, this was how most horrible incidents feel. And trust him, he’s gone through too many grim situations, so in a way, he’s a pro at catching the slight shifts in things.
Besides, an unpleasant feeling had been curling in his stomach since he woke up as if something was off. A small part of him feels like it’s because the first day back was just around the corner— literally, his second semester of his second year of high school starts tomorrow.
He doesn’t even want to think about it. He’s not one to genuinely hate school, just change. A new semester means a new change he has to get used to, and it was hard enough adjusting for his first year. Going into high school alone was a nightmare, having to start from scratch and pray he doesn’t encounter bullies since they always seem to be a thing for someone like him. He’s a good target, apparently. However, it seemed like the gods were on Juntae’s side because he managed to make a single friend, Yeon Sieun, but he was more than enough for him. Then by default, Ahn Suho became someone that he got to know, even if the other boy went to a different school.
After going through his final semester of middle school, and no longer having a friend by his side, there was a major change in how his ‘classmates’ treated him due to rumors about him spreading. Befriending someone like Sieun was like a breath of fresh air. It was enough to make him less anxious.
Still, not everything is all gumdrops and lollipops. Of course, those rumors managed to follow him into high school regardless. He never confirmed or denied them, though, because one, it will not stop people from speculating, and two, the rumors aren’t necessarily false. While he doesn’t like the idea of change because of the uncertain outcomes, this was one thing he wished had changed. Even though people don’t directly ask, “Hey, are you actually gay?” because let's be serious, this is the twenty-first century, and as the years go by, people have started becoming more open-minded, but still, people tend to be weird about it.
Anyway, he felt like something was coming, and something was telling him that this new school year might change his life for the worse-
“Juntae!”
Juntae shoots up from where he was lying on his bed contemplating his life, his eyes widening from being startled out of his thoughts. It wasn’t an angry yell in any way; his mother was definitely down the hall, most likely calling him for dinner.
As if on cue, his stomach growls loudly. He sighs as he stands up and walks over to his closed door. As soon as he opens the door, a small ball of fluff comes running to him and circles around his feet. Juntae lets out a laugh as he bends down and begins petting the soft fur.
“Hey, baby. Are you hungry too? Come on.” His dog, Bella, lets out a cheerful bark, excitedly pawing at his legs. He lets out another laugh as he shuts his door behind himself and makes his way down the hall, his excited puppy following right behind him.
His mother must have sensed it as she finished filling up Bella’s food bowl, the puppy racing over and scarfing down her food instantly.
He makes sure to wash his hands before thanking his mom for the meal.
“It’s your favorite.” She says as they take a seat at the small table.
Juntae grins, she always does this before anything ‘major’ happens to him. In this case, the major event is his second year of high school.
They eat comfortably, and their usual conversations flow. Just the two of them, as it’s been for the past decade. Well, if counting Bella, then three.
“Maybe you can invite Sieun over tomorrow. I can cook a nice meal for you both.” His mom offers. Sieun has been over a handful of times, so his mom is very familiar with him. Plus, she has this odd gratitude towards him due to him being friends with Juntae after everything that happened before his first year of high school.
“Actually, we were going to look into a cram school together. You know how grades are really important this year.”
She smiles at him, one that sometimes makes Juntae’s heartache.
“My smart son. You’ll do well and get into a good school. So don’t get too distracted this year.” She says, the last part more so as a joke, but there’s a hint of truth behind it.
In his last year before high school, right after his fallout, Juntae’s grades dropped. Not horribly, but it was a noticeable decline that matched the decline in his behavior. His mother doesn’t know the cause behind it, he never outright told her either, because then she would be worried, and he didn’t want to put her under unnecessary stress when she was already going through so much. So, Juntae used the excuse that he was distracted, but he knew she could tell it wasn’t all that true.
Juntae gives her a smile, one that he hopes puts her at ease, even if internally, Juntae isn’t.
“I know, I won’t.”
He doesn’t know how true this statement will be. Remember that gut feeling? Juntae now one-hundred percent believes this upcoming school year will put him through the unimaginable.
-
-
Juntae flops back on his bed, just as he was before dinner. Now he had too many thoughts swirling in his head.
How much is going to change this new year?
Will all the changes necessarily be negative? Knowing how his life works, the answer to this is yes.
What if he’s in a class without Sieun? He will be forced to make new friends, which will be hard with his ‘rumors’ still buzzing around. Other guys get all weird and defensive about befriending a boy who likes other boys, and that’s something Juntae doesn’t want to deal with.
And it’s not to say that ‘straight’ guys can’t be friends with gay guys, but in Juntae’s unfortunate case, one nice smile or small gesture thrown his way will have his heart racing. He will make up scenarios in his head that maybe there’s more behind the nice gesture and small smile.
Believe it or not, Seo Juntae is a lover boy.
Seriously.
Romance is something that he craves, it’s something that he wants and yearns for, yet it doesn’t come. Not for him. Juntae has simply learned to accept it, keeping his feelings to himself and enjoying his delusions until the feelings fade enough for him to attempt to move on.
As much as he tries to fight it off, pretend that he doesn’t mind, it does ache seeing other people in love. What should he expect anyway? Life isn’t a manga, boys aren’t falling over their feet to confess their undying love for him. And even if him being gay wasn’t the reason, Juntae doesn’t have qualities that will make people have a crush on him.
He doesn’t even know what to like about—
Juntae shakes his head. He doesn’t want to go down that depressive route of thinking. Instead, he gets up and heads to his closet, pulling out the one thing that calms him when he gets overwhelmed with these kinds of feelings. Placed on the top shelf and hidden in a small container are a set of letters, tucked away from the outside world.
He sits on the floor, staring at the small container he placed in front of him.
While his hopes of other guys liking him are small, Juntae still manages to fall in love, five times to be exact. Then again, he wouldn’t really call all of it ‘love’, but they’re strong feelings for five people. And for him, he ‘loves’ hard, depending on the person that is.
But it’s so hard that he can barely contain himself. The best course of action he found was writing it down. Everyone writes down their feelings. Writing about those he fell for was no different. So, he spills his guts, he writes down everything— every thought, every detail, every confession. He got out his best pens, and his best paper, then sealed those intense feelings away in envelopes.
Stamped, labeled with addresses, and all.
It’s not like he’s ever going to mail them out; that will literally be a nightmare. It will also be embarrassing, but in a way, it’s like sealing away those feelings. It could be almost therapeutic.
Besides, it’s only for him to see, making the situation less embarrassing as he confesses his one-sided feelings. His fingers brush over the five sealed envelopes, reading the names one by one. From minor yet strong crushes, blushing at the memories of when they developed, to the one— seriously, the singular one that still makes his heart skip a beat.
It’s also the love that still leaves tingles in his system, the one that he thinks about the most. Unlike the other four people he crushed on, this one felt the closest to what he believes is love, like he actually felt like he was the main character in a shoujo manga. Each interaction felt like a panel that he had read before.
Juntae holds the letter between his fingers, reading the name scribbled across it, followed by the address. The letter feels thicker than the others. When he started writing, he couldn’t stop, grabbing sheet after sheet, pouring all his thoughts and feelings onto multiple pages until he couldn't think anymore. It was also the very last letter he finished writing, the contents still so fresh that they make his mind feel all fuzzy and-
He quickly puts the letter down as if it stung him, burying it underneath the other four. He closes the container, not even bothering to pick it up from the floor, as he flops down on his bed again, removing his glasses before covering his burning face.
If there's one change Juntae wouldn’t mind, it would be to take away the lingering feelings that he still has for he-who-must-not-be-named. Out of all the crushes, why does his have to still haunt him ? It’s like he can’t escape him no matter what, and it’s even worse when he still sometimes throws a smile Juntae’s way– at least six times last year, whenever they happen to cross paths. Even when Juntae keeps his distance, he still sees him from afar, he still hears his name being thrown around by other students, and it is no help that he is one of the ‘popular’ and well-known students at the school.
Being in love– wait, no. Having a very serious crush on someone who will never be his is the top ten worst feelings to ever experience. It’s like he’s in constant misery. Then the thought of seeing him tomorrow, if he does see him that is, makes him feel a bit crazy.
What if they end up in the same homeroom? That means Juntae will see him almost every day and they will probably end up interacting too. He can barely handle the smiles thrown his way, how would he handle full conversations with him? He will be a train wreck.
Juntae rolls on his bed, burying his face in his pillow before letting out a much needed muffled scream.
-
-
Juntae returns to his room, straightening his uniform before his phone ‘dings’ from a notification. He grabs his phone, seeing that he received a message from Sieun.
Sieun:
I’ll meet you at school instead. Suho wants to see me.
Juntae pouts a bit, but he gets it. Usually, they would meet at the bus stop so that they could ride to school together, but Sieun has another ‘friend’, ehm, Ahn Suho, and Juntae can’t have Sieun all to himself like that. Plus, he hogged all of Sieun’s attention days before when they went out. Also, Juntae is using the word friend loosely for reasons.
Anyway, Juntae sends Sieun a text back quickly.
Juntae:
Okay. See you at school ^_^
He hurried up and finished getting ready, his eyes drifting over to the container that was still placed on the floor. It was almost like it was mocking him, taunting that he was once again going to end up filling it with another name.
No.
He is not going to wish that on himself. Not this year. If some kind of feelings were to develop, then he would rather it be the start of something rather than yet another letter sealed away.
Juntae stares at the box for a moment longer before tearing his eyes away. He doesn’t bother picking it up and putting it back in the closet again. Instead, he grabs his phone and bag before leaving his room.
The ride to school went in a blur and it wasn't long before Juntae found himself at the bottom of the hill waiting for Sieun to arrive. He received his message that he was almost here.
What Juntae wasn’t expecting while waiting was to see the familiar face that made his stomach churn walking up to him. Silky dark hair styled perfectly on a slim pair of shoulders, and a perfect face that makes other boys' heads turn. He instinctively straightens up, and his hands begin to get all clammy on their own.
When their eyes met, Juntae froze in his spot. And before anyone gets the wrong idea, no, he doesn’t like her in that way. He wasn’t feeling uneasy because of that. Sure, she is attractive, but Juntae is first off, very much into guys, and secondly, she was pretty much the cause of his awful final year of middle school.
As soon as she realized she was looking at Juntae, her gaze hardened.
God, she was the last person Juntae wanted to see on his first day back. They’ve done a pretty good job avoiding each other when she randomly pops up at Eunjang, so why now? Sure, it was clear she was most likely not worried by Juntae and was just heading up to the school, but that look in her eyes… it was obvious she was going to say something to him.
He wipes his sweaty palms on his pants once she is standing right in front of him.
A part of him believes it would be rude not to acknowledge her overwhelming presence, but another part of him doesn’t want to deal with the embarrassment of being flat-out ignored if he even tries greeting her.
However, it seemed like he didn’t have to make that choice, so she decided to speak first.
“Juntae.”
He swallows the lump in his throat before speaking. “Haeyi. How are you?”
Nam Haeyi. She is a very well-known, 'popular' girl, pretty known at their school even if she’s attends the all-girls-school next door. She is also Juntae’s ex-best friend. See why this is awkward now…
“Waiting for someone?” She asked, yet there wasn’t any true curiosity in his voice. She also completely ignored Juntae’s question.
Okay then…
“Yeah. My friend. You?” Juntae asked, trying to at least be friendly.
She hums, opening her mouth to speak but pauses. She then grins as she looks past Juntae. He turns around as well, and suddenly he wishes he didn’t.
Remember he-who-must-not-be-named? The same person who Juntae had a total of six interactions with last year? Not only was he the one that Juntae still has minor– very minor!- feelings for, but he was also with Nam Haeyi. Judging by the grin on her face when she saw him, they were one their ‘on again’ phase of their relationship.
However, Juntae feels the warmth through his body and there goes the fluttering again. Juntae felt his stomach literally swoop as he approached them, and when he offered a smile at Juntae, he thought he was going to collapse on the ground from how weak in the knees he became.
“Juntae-a.” He says in a sweet voice.
Juntae needed to get a grip because it was like the sky opened up and was shining over the other male. The sparkling moments in his manga panels seemed to bleed their way into real life. Then his voice, the way he said Juntae’s name, made his brain malfunction momentarily. Still, he clears his throat to respond back without his voice cracking.
“Hyuntak-a… Hi.”
He needs to put himself in timeout for how breathless he sounds when all he’s been doing for the past ten minutes is waiting in the same spot. But this was Go Hyuntak he was talking to, someone he hadn’t held a proper conversation with in months. How can he get Juntae’s heart fluttering like this even after so long?
That's when there was a scoff, which broke the little bubble that surrounded them. He almost forgot about Haeyi there.
“Hello, your girlfriend is here too.” She says, there was a bit of edge in her voice, enough to make Juntae’s mood turn sour instantly. It becomes even worse when Hyuntak wraps his arm around her shoulder, bringing her in close.
“Come on. I’m just greeting Juntae.”
Juntae quickly turns his head when he notices Hyuntak bending lower, and he hears the sound of the quick kiss being placed on Haeyi’s forehead. He lets out a shaky breath because he suddenly wants to leave. Even with Hyuntak’s and Haeyi’s on-again, off-again relationship, they still somehow manage to stick together. Juntae doesn’t get it; he doesn’t get them.
He almost began to turn away and walk to the school building without a word but then there was another presence, a familiar one. Juntae lifts his head up just when Sieun pauses in front of him. Sieun looks at Juntae and then at the couple next to him. He doesn’t say anything, but judging by the look in his eyes, he clearly has questions.
“Sieun.” Juntae squeaks out.
He receives a hum in response, Sieun’s eyes drifting back over to him. “Let's go.” He says simply before he walks ahead, not even sparing the other two another glance.
Juntae stumbles behind him, he gives a small wave, mostly to Hyuntak. He gets a heart-racing grin and small wave in return that almost made Juntae trip over his feet.
Go Hyuntak… He still has Juntae acting like a mess.
“What was that back there?” Sieun asked not wasting any time.
“I don’t even know myself,” Juntae mutters. Sieun is one of the only people who knows about Juntae’s history with Haeyi as well as his history with ‘some’ of his crushes. Plus, Sieun doesn’t really do the whole interacting with people thing anyway, so after Juntae exposes his past with them to Sieun, he doesn’t even try to be cordial. “It’s weird though. She stopped walking to talk to me, I mean I don’t think she seriously wanted to have a conversation but she talked… and then… Gotak, he talked to me too. And smiled at me Sieun, it felt like I was going to melt. What does that mean?!” Juntae rushes out.
Sieun stops in front of the wall where the names and classes for second years are posted, glossing over the papers.
“I think it means you need to calm down.” Sieun mutters.
Juntae pouts, “But Sieun-”
“And, we’re in the same homeroom again this year,” Sieun says cutting Juntae off.
He instantly looked for his name and found it, Sieun’s name not far underneath his. He grins, at least this didn’t change and Juntae at least has someone he knew and is comfortable with in his homeroom. He looks over the list once more hoping to find another familiar name but doesn’t. He tries not to seem too disappointed at this.
More people began to surround the board and that's when they took it as their sign to make it to their homeroom.
“-and it feels like I’m going crazy because he spoke to me first. We were both standing there but he spoke to me… I think I heard angels singing Sieun. Tell me I’m not being delusional.” Juntae whispers as they pick a seat, Sieun taking the one directly behind Juntae.
“You are,” Sieun says as he begins pulling supplies out of his bag. “I hate bringing him up but I thought you were over Gotak after crushing on Seongje from the other school last semester.”
Juntae’s heart skips a beat at the name. He looked around, everyone was in their own conversations, and the class wasn’t filled, but it felt like just the mention of his name would make him materialize out of thin air.
“That was like… puppy love. I was put under a spell or something and fell for the bad boy vibes he was radiating.” Juntae says, trying to be dismissive about it. Sieun stares blankly at him which makes Juntae shift in his seat.
Seriously, who was he kidding? That was a full-on crush he had on Seongje but how could he not? Anyone with eyes could see how handsome he was, plus he was tall, and when he smiled Juntae's tongue would get all dry and he could barely form sentences. Sieun doesn’t like him for reasons that Juntae understands, but after Seongje randomly chose to ‘protect’ Juntae from some random bullies trying to jump him, his heart was officially caught. It was a classic trope of bad boy x nerd, not like he wants to call himself a nerd but let’s be serious.
“Sure.” Sieun’s gaze doesn’t let up though, “Your taste in men is questionable.”
Juntae sputters, “What? No, it’s not. You’re only saying that because you hate Seongje.”
“Go Hyuntak is a prime example.”
“Yeah? How so?”
“You’ve been crushing on that guy since middle school.” Sieun deadpans
“Okay, but at least it's not some straight guy. Remember Hyuntak-a is bi.” Juntae replies with a smile.
He will never forget last year when he first heard the news and how fast it began circulating around school. Then the words came from Hyuntak’s best friend, Park Humin’s– aka, Baku’s, mouth. It was during Hyuntak’s and Haeyi’s ‘off-again’ phase when Baku’s loud voice carried along the halls while he was attempting to cheer up Hyuntak. “There’s plenty of girls, or guys in the sea for your bisexual ass, even though I know you guys will be back together again by the end of next week.”
After actually hearing this with his own two ears, Juntae’s heart swelled a bit because in a way it was comforting.
“Yeah, a bisexual disaster who is already in a relationship with the same ‘friend’ that screwed you over.” Sieun continues.
Juntae frowns. Okay, Sieun was right but he doesn’t have to crush his dreams like that.
“So you didn’t even want to try and manifest with me?” Juntae knew he was cheating when he pulled out the sad eyes to match his pout and he saw Sieun sigh before looking away.
“We can ‘manifest’ later then.” He mutters and Juntae takes that as a major win.
-
-
The week flies by before he knows it. They settled into the first week just fine and they even found a decent cram school they both enrolled in that wasn’t too far from the bus stop they met at.
During the week, Juntae didn’t have any more interactions with Hyuntak, but he did hear the news that he and Haeyi were once again in their ‘off-again’ stage. It’s like they have a few days of happiness before they go on their breaks from each other and it’s starting to feel like they keep going back to each other because it’s all they know. But who was Juntae to give his input, all of his romance knowledge comes from anime or manga.
And speaking of manga, Juntae remembers the promise he made to his mother to sort out the new package of them that arrived earlier in the week. His room was a bit of a mess and the package with his new copies was still on the floor, along with his container of letters that he at least believes is still lying on the messy floor because he refuses to even look at it. It even got to the point that his mother ‘threatened’ to clean his room for him and he just accepted her threat.
Anyway, they are more than halfway through the second week and his and Sieun’s first days of cram school have already begun. Juntae was now balancing the workload already from school plus additional study, which he doesn’t mind too much because he at least has Sieun for some kind of support. This was also his excuse for the mess of a room he currently has zero energy to maintain.
It was now Thursday and Juntae and Sieun were both leaving from their cram school when two unexpected faces were waiting outside for them causing them both to pause.
Ahn Suho and Yeongi. Both of them leaned against the railing in the middle of a conversation.
They were two people that Juntae had become comfortable with over time. Suho has his complicated ‘friends but a little bit more than that’ thing going on with Sieun that Juntae chooses not to question because it’s just them. As for Yeongi… well, Juntae has a slightly more confusing relationship with her, but that’s because of his own mix-up in the beginning. Now though, he believes they’re good enough friends.
The other two spots Juntae and Sieun quickly. He hears Sieun let out a breath next to him but still walks over. Juntae follows behind, greeting them both with a smile. However, right before he could utter a word, Yeongi spoke to him first.
“Seo Juntae.”
He pauses.
Juntae wasn’t quite sure what to make of her tone, it wasn’t aggressive or anything like that but hearing full his name spoken made his skin crawl a bit. He sees that Suho and Sieun are officially in their own world, as expected, so he highly doubts they are listening.
He straightens up a bit, keeping his small smile on his face. “Yeah?”
“You know I’m a lesbian, right?”
...huh?
“I– what?” He felt a loss of words.
What was she talking about? Sure, Juntae doesn’t mind her coming out or anything, kudos to her, but why was she telling him…
She raises her hand and that’s when he notices it. His heart literally drops as soon as he recognizes the rectangular-shaped mail in her hand. His eyes widen and his voice gets caught in his throat.
How does she have it… why does she have his letter? They should all be stored away-
“It means that I don't like guys.” She continues.
Juntae blinks.
“What? I mean- I know what being a lesbian is, and yeah now I know that you are… And, if you're referring to that then I want to make it clear that I do not like you anymore! Or at least I don’t think I really did…? I just thought you were cool from afar, I swear! And you have short hair so I thought you were a guy from a distance. You also never said anything before I wrote that! I’m pretty sure it was just your aura I liked? I don’t know. Plus….” Juntae finally breathes as he looks around before leaning in, “I’m gay.”
“Clearly, if you thought I was a guy.”
“I seriously didn’t think you would see it… I honestly should have thrown it out once I found out you’re not… you know, a guy.” Juntae mumbles.
When he first noticed Yeongi, he only saw her from a distance after she left when she was done speaking with Suho. Then he asked about Yeongi, all Sieun said was, “Yeongi is staying with Suho for now. Family matters.”
Of course, he wrote that letter way before he actually talked to her, and it was already sealed away by the time he found out. And even if he said he was going to throw it out, it’s a lie because of sentimental reasons. His letters are a way to ground him regardless of how small the 'crush' was.
“Sorry…” Juntae says quietly.
She gives him a grin before stuffing the letter into her back pocket, “Don't worry, I think it’s cute you found me all mysterious and was scared to approach me.”
Juntae whines from her quoting him, however, the air becomes somewhat lighter now. He finally calmed his racing heart but his mind was all jumbled because what was his letter doing in her hand right now? It doesn’t make sense to him.
Something unsettling creeps up his spine.
If Yeongi received her letter from him then…
“Oh my god. I need to go!” Juntae rushes out goodbyes as he sprints in the direction of his house.
Please don’t be the case… Please don’t let this be the case...
His heart was pumping because the worst thing Juntae could have imagined ever happening seemed to be happening right now.
He rushes to his home, fumbling with his key due to him rushing. He barely hears his mother's greeting before he yells out, “I’ll be right back!”
Juntae pushed his room door open and as soon as he did, his heart dropped for the second time that night. His messy room was no longer a mess, the floor could actually be seen now. He wants to close his eyes and hope when he opens them his room will be in the same state that it was before he left out today, but he knew that wouldn’t be the case.
And what’s worse… the container that his letters were stored in was no longer on the floor, the little tin was now sitting on his desk.
He drops his bag on the floor as he slowly walks over to his desk, the feeling of dread washes over him. As soon as he opened the top of the container, he felt his stomach drop at the confirmation.
The container was empty...
All of Juntae's letters were gone.