Protocol problems & other disasters

by SpiderGwenX

Summary:

When the Valorant agents get together in a group chat created by Raze to vent about their missions and microwaved eggs, things quickly spiral into hilarious drama, accidental flirting, and some very pointed roasting.

Chapter 1

Summary:

Phoenix’s “microwave incident” might just be the least of his worries when his teammates start teasing him about a certain smug Yoru. Watch friendships, crushes, and rivalries unfold one meme and roast at a time.

PROTOCOL AFTER HOURS (Group Chat)

Created by Raze
Members added: Killjoy, Phoenix, Jett, Sage, Clove, Iso, Gekko, Deadlock, Fade, Brimstone, KAY/O, Sova, Yoru

11:56 am
Raze: ok listen up
Raze: we need a space to complain, overshare, and scream that isn’t mission logs
Raze: welcome to hell ❤️

Phoenix: love being included but also feel personally attacked already

Killjoy: that’s because you nuked an egg this morning.

Sova: The explosion was… concerning.

Jett: bro I thought Breach was testing new tech again

Phoenix: y’all need to relax
Phoenix: it was ONE egg. microwave went pop. big deal.

KAY/O: POP = UNCONTROLLED DETONATION
KAY/O: DIAGNOSTIC: HUMAN ERROR. AGAIN.

Sage: You left the shell on, Phoenix.

Fade: do we need to ban him from the kitchen

Deadlock: seconded.

Phoenix: wow. no trust. no loyalty.

Clove: no microwave privileges either.

Yoru: no brain.

Phoenix: 😐
Phoenix: okay, fair, but that was still uncalled for

Brimstone: I’m not even mad anymore. Just tired.

Raze: new rule. you break the microwave, you buy the next one.

Killjoy: agreed. also can we all change our names in here?
Killjoy: I’m not yelling at “Jett” like she’s my teammate. I’m yelling at “wind girl” like she’s my stress dream.

***
Killjoy is now lockdown
Raze is now blastie
Jett is now wind girl
Phoenix is now hotwings
Sage is now healing god
Clove is now immortal
Fade is now sleep paralysis demon
Deadlock is now locksmith
Gekko is now wingmans dad
Iso is now ISOlation
KAY/O is now MICROWAVE DESTROYER
Brimstone is now dadstone
***

wingmans dad: some of these go way too hard

wind girl: who let phoenix be “hotwings” tho

hotwings: it’s my truth. my essence. my identity

lockdown: your essence is flammable

immortal: not gonna lie, best part of this is watching phoenix and yoru fight like they don’t literally room together on missions

wind girl: ohhhhh so that’s the energy

sleep paralysis demon: enemies to lovers speedrun??

hotwings: y’all need to chill 😳

Yoru: i’m muting this stupid chat

blastie: no you’re not we LITERALLY saw you typing

locksmith: and then deleting

healing god: suspicious behavior tbh

hotwings: ok now i’m muting BYE

 

***
[Down bad central – spicychicken, lilwings, boomcore, ghostmode]
(Phoenix, Gekko, Raze, Clove)

12:05 pm
spicychicken: GUYS
spicychicken: I THINK I accidentally flirted
spicychicken: and now I’m panicking

boomcore: you what 💀

lilwings: who with? please tell me it’s yoru, we’re placing bets

spicychicken: NO I DIDN’T MEAN TO
spicychicken: I just said something dumb about him being fireproof or whatever and now everyone thinks I have a CRUSH

ghostmode: well… do you?

spicychicken: NO
spicychicken: maybe?
spicychicken: idk, he was being all smug and annoying and his hair was doing that thing

boomcore: the thing?

spicychicken: you know, that messy spike thing he gets when he’s annoyed

lilwings: 💀 dude, you are so down bad

ghostmode: does he know?

spicychicken: NO AND HE WON’T
spicychicken: he already calls me stupid like three times a day, I can’t be also in love with him

boomcore: honestly this is the best drama this chat has seen in ages

lilwings: also, you’ve got competition, KAY/O totally nuked you in front of god and brimstone this morning

spicychicken: I don’t even care about the microwave anymore
spicychicken: now I just want Yoru to notice I exist… without roasting me

ghostmode: sounds fake but okay

 

***
[Team gay panic – Yoru, Fade, Deadlock]

12:07 pm
Fade: he likes you, you know

Deadlock: honestly, you’re blind if you don’t see it

Yoru: omg, shut up

Fade: you’re blushing. i can tell by how slow you’re typing

Yoru: shut up x2

Deadlock: just admit you think he’s kinda hot sometimes. no judgment here, promise

Yoru: he tried to microwave an egg. like, really?

Fade: so you’re into smart guys now?

Yoru: honestly, i’m just here trying to shut this chat down

Deadlock: yeah, well his shirt was tight yesterday. we saw you checking

Fade: multiple times

Yoru: ugh, i hate you guys

Fade: you just hate that we’re right

Yoru: i’m leaving this chat

Deadlock: nope, you can’t. you’re literally the reason we started it

Yoru: screw all of you

Fade: aw, look at him all flustered

Yoru: blocked.

Chapter 2: Protocol after hours: Emotional damage edition

Summary:

The chaos of “Protocol After Hours” escalates as Phoenix suffers a public meltdown over a smirk, a shoulder bump, and one tragically misplaced “you too.” Meanwhile, Yoru is suspiciously silent and maybe. Just maybe...into it. Everyone else? Just here for the emotional carnage and snacks. Chat logs alternate between chaos, conspiracies, and romantic denial. :)

[Protocol After Hours – Group Chat]

4:42pm
blastie: okay okay quick poll
blastie: how many of us would let yoru punch us just a little bit. like just one solid punch. respectfully

wind girl: 100% yes

wingmans dad: uh?? respectfully no??

hotwings: y’all are FERAL

immortal: you say that like you don’t want it more than anyone

hotwings: i—okay but that’s different

healing god: is it?

locksmith: phoenix literally stared at yoru for a full five seconds today and walked into a door

hotwings: THE FLOOR WAS SLIPPERY

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: DIAGNOSIS: SIMPING

 

***
[Down bad central – spicychicken, lilwings, boomcore, ghostmode]
(Phoenix, Gekko, Raze, Clove)

5:02pm
spicychicken: i’m gonna die i think

boomcore: what happened

lilwings: wait don’t tell me you flirted again

spicychicken: HE SMIRKED. AT. ME.

ghostmode: oh no

spicychicken: like full smug smirk. like he knew.
spicychicken: and then he bumped my shoulder and walked off and said “watch it, dumbass”

lilwings: romantic tension so thick it’s a new utility

boomcore: you’re in too deep bro

spicychicken: I SAID “YOU TOO”

ghostmode: …you said “you too”

spicychicken: HE SAID “WATCH IT” AND I SAID “YOU TOO”

lilwings: oh my god

boomcore: i’m crying real tears

ghostmode: no coming back from that one

 

***
[Passive observers club – Clove, Iso, Fade, Deadlock]

5:10pm
ghostmode: phoenix is spiraling. again

ISOlation: over yoru?

locksmith: of course. it’s his daily activity

sleep paralysis demon: he said “you too” when yoru told him to watch it

ISOlation: bruh

locksmith: tragic

ghostmode: someone needs to help him before he combusts

sleep paralysis demon: i vote we do nothing. it’s more fun this way

ISOlation: agree

 

***
[Lesbian HQ – Killjoy & Raze]

5:38pm
lockdown: how long do you think before phoenix just confesses by accident

blastie: he already did he just doesn’t know it

lockdown: they’re like… two idiots orbiting a single shared braincell

blastie: and yoru keeps pretending he hates it but bro is flushed

lockdown: have you seen how hard he tries to be the last one to leave rooms phoenix is in

blastie: that’s love in 4k

 

***
[Protocol After Hours – Group Chat]

7:30pm
sleep paralysis demon: new poll: who’s in the worst denial

immortal: phoenix

locksmith: also phoenix

hotwings: EXCUSE ME

healing god: you’re not helping your case

wind girl: this man said “you too” to “watch it”

wingmans dad: 😭😭😭

hotwings: ok i messed up ONE time

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: HISTORICALLY INACCURATE

dadstone: you’ve messed up many times

blastie: anyway while he’s spiraling, do we think yoru likes him back or is just mean

lockdown: 100% likes him. have you seen the way he punches him slightly softer than everyone else

sleep paralysis demon: tender violence. adorable.

 

***
[Gay panic – Fade, Yoru, Deadlock]

7:44pm
Fade: he said “you too” and you didn’t even insult him for it. suspicious.

Deadlock: he was weirdly quiet after, actually

Yoru: i was processing

Fade: processing what? the fact that he’s a walking trainwreck?

Yoru: no the fact that he looked at me like i put the stars in the damn sky

Deadlock: 😳

Fade: oh you’re DOWN bad too

Yoru: i hate all of you

Fade: we love you too boo

 

***
[Private Chat – Sova & Sage]

8:12pm
Sova: I believe Phoenix and Yoru are attempting courtship. Very… chaotic courtship.

healing god: “attempting” is generous

Sova: It’s like watching two wolves try to dance and bite each other at the same time

healing god: that’s surprisingly...accurate

 

***
[Protocol After Hours – Group Chat]

8:30pm
dadstone: mission debrief in 30 minutes. don’t be late.

blastie: understood, dadstone

lockdown: father detected

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: PARENTAL UNIT ACTIVE

wind girl: someone tell phoenix to put on matching socks this time

hotwings: one time. ONE TIME.

immortal: the socks were different lengths

wingmans dad: you wore one ankle sock and one knee high

hotwings: fashion is about expression

sleep paralysis demon: you’re expressing you need help

 

***
[Haunt & Roast – spicychicken & ghostmode]

9:50pm
spicychicken: do you think he really doesn’t know?

ghostmode: i think he knows and he’s just as much of a mess as you

spicychicken: that’s comforting and horrifying

ghostmode: that’s love

Chapter 3

Summary:

Phoenix is spiraling, Yoru’s pretending not to care, and everyone else is just here for the drama. Feelings are getting messy, confessions are slipping out, and more than one ship might be setting sail.

[Protocol After Hours – Group Chat]

8:46am
wingmans dad: okay real talk how are phoenix and yoru not together yet

lockdown: because they’re allergic to communication

immortal: no thoughts. just glances, insults, and emotional crises

blastie: it’s called foreplay

hotwings: STOP SAYING THAT IN HERE

healing god: you literally flirt and then run away. it's classic schoolyard crush behavior

wind girl: honestly it’s impressive how consistent you are

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: CONSISTENTLY EMBARRASSING

hotwings: i feel BULLIED

sleep paralysis demon: good. consider it character development

dadstone: you have 14 minutes to be at debrief. if you’re late i’m assigning you all to Breach’s next test lab trial

locksmith: consider me sprinting

wingmans dad: not getting flashbanged 10 times again no thanks

 

***
[Lesbian HQ – Killjoy & Raze]

10:07am
blastie: so anyway i caught sage smiling at jett earlier

lockdown: like a “you’re cute” smile or a “you just did something dumb” smile

blastie: yes

lockdown: 👀

blastie: also jett leaned in and brushed something off sage’s shoulder and sage blushed so hard she dropped her clipboard

lockdown: WE’RE BACK IN THE GAME BABY

blastie: nanobomb winning while hotwings dies of cringe

 

***
[Simp Suffering Support (SSS) – Iso, Gekko, Clove, Fade]

10:42am
ghostmode: i’m making popcorn for the phoenix-yoru chaos

ISOlation: i’m preparing a powerpoint titled “just kiss already”

lilwings: should we do a bet pool? like how long until one of them cracks?

boomcore: we tried that and everyone picked “next week” three weeks ago

ghostmode: okay but NOW we have soft punching, eye contact, AND shoulder bumps

ISOlation: he looked at him like he invented oxygen. we’re getting there

 

***
[Gay Panic – Fade, Yoru, Deadlock]

1:17pm
Fade: you know he talks about you in every chat right?

Yoru: you’re lying

Deadlock: he really doesn’t shut up. it’s adorable

Yoru: i don’t know what to do with that information

Fade: maybe something besides emotionally combusting?

Deadlock: wild idea: flirt back. lightly. like. use one (1) compliment

Yoru: i’ll consider it

Fade: THAT’S PROGRESS FOLKS

 

***
[Protocol After Hours – Group Chat]

2:41pm
blastie: i propose a phoenix recovery fund

wind girl: what’s it for

blastie: emotional damages. therapy. maybe a new microwave

hotwings: I AM FINE

immortal: he says while sweating

sleep paralysis demon: someone ask yoru how he feels about phoenix

hotwings: DO NOT

healing god: i already did

hotwings: WHAT

wind girl: 😭😭😭

lockdown: spill immediately

healing god: he said “he’s loud. and stupid. and… weirdly endearing sometimes”

blastie: Y’ALL HE’S CRACKING

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: UPDATE: SHIP STATUS – 87% CHANCE OF MUTUAL CRUSHES

dadstone: and 100% chance of lateness if you’re not on site in five minutes

 

***
[Down Bad Central – Phoenix, Raze, Gekko, Clove]

3:34pm
spicychicken: guys i think i forgot how to walk

boomcore: what happened

lilwings: don’t tell me yoru breathed in your direction again

spicychicken: he looked at me and smiled. smiled

ghostmode: alert the media

spicychicken: he said “you actually look decent today” in like… a soft voice

spicychicken: am i dying

ghostmode: you’re in love

lilwings: fatal condition

boomcore: incurable

spicychicken: help

 

***
[Lesbian HQ – Killjoy & Raze]

3:52pm
blastie: i swear sage and jett are doing this slow burn on purpose

lockdown: i saw jett give her gum and sage gave her this soft little smile like she just handed her a wedding ring

blastie: we’re living in a romcom and the main plot is yoru and phoenix failing to flirt

lockdown: the b plot is nanobomb’s inevitable marriage

blastie: and the c plot is jettsage saying two (2) gay words every month

lockdown: i love this soap opera

 

***
[Protocol After Hours – Group Chat]

4:10pm
wingmans dad: wait are sage and jett like. a thing?

wind girl: what no. maybe. why

immortal: 👀

blastie: 👀

lockdown: 👀

healing god: nothing to see here. carry on.

hotwings: bro y’all got so quiet so fast

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: DECEPTION DETECTED

wind girl: okay whatever i MAYBE like her and she MAYBE likes me

sleep paralysis demon: someone finally said it

hotwings: this group chat is cursed

dadstone: it’s cursed because none of you have shown up to the debrief yet

wind girl: OH CRAP

 

***
[Gay Panic – Fade, Yoru, Deadlock]

4:41pm
Fade: he’s late. are you going to wait for him?

Yoru: no

Deadlock: you literally haven’t left yet

Yoru: i’m pacing for unrelated reasons

Fade: pacing = love

Yoru: i hate all of you

Deadlock: love you too ❤️

 

***
[Post-Debrief Cooldown – Jett, Sage, Killjoy, Raze]

5:30pm
wind girl: okay but phoenix literally sat next to yoru and pretended not to notice

healing god: he had to turn his whole chair because he couldn’t look him in the eye

lockdown: tragic

blastie: comedy

wind girl: he bumped their knees and then apologized like he’d committed a war crime

healing god: and yoru didn’t even scoff. he just went “you’re fine” in that low voice

lockdown: oh they’re doomed

blastie: doomed in love

Chapter 4: Pride, Panic and Questionable Flirting

Summary:

The agents take a break from saving the world to celebrate Pride together at a local festival. Glitter flies, flower crowns are worn, and chaotic flirting reaches new heights. Between slow dances, crop tops, and more than one near combustion, it’s safe to say Protocol is a little more colorful this month. literally and emotionally.

Notes:

HELLLOOO GUYS, IN HONOUR OF PRIDE MONTH ALL MY CHAPTERS THIS MONTH WILL MOST LIKELY INCLUDE PRIDE MONTH RELATED STUFF. HOPE YOU ENJOY!!

Protocol After Hours – Group Chat

8:40am
blastie: ok listen up queers and allies

blastie: pride month is HERE and i am organizing the most chaotic most rainbow-filled protocol outing in history

wind girl: is this sanctioned

blastie: technically no
emotionally yes

dadstone: …what does this “outing” entail

lockdown: you’re not gonna like it, sir

blastie: PRIDE FESTIVAL. downtown. full glam. bring flags, glitter, and enough hydration to survive my playlist

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: WARNING: SPARKLE LEVELS UNSTABLE

immortal: do i get to wear eyeliner again

sleep paralysis demon: you never stopped

immortal: true

wingmans dad: i already made flower crowns for like half of you please take them

healing god: phoenix you are not allowed to light anything on fire this time

hotwings: rude assumption
but yeah fair

 

***
Gay Panic – Fade, Yoru, Deadlock

9:12am
Fade: yoru what are you wearing to pride

Yoru: why would i tell you

Deadlock: because you want to impress a certain fire hazard

Fade: and because we know you’re gonna ask us to fix your eyeliner anyway

Yoru: i hate you both

Fade: heart emoji

Deadlock: love u too boo

 

***
Haunt & Roast – spicychicken & ghostmode

9:43am
spicychicken: i feel like i’m gonna combust

ghostmode: you combust every time yoru breathes near you

spicychicken: HE’S WEARING A CROP TOP

ghostmode: oh
oh no

ghostmode: that’s game over, bro

spicychicken: i’ve already accepted my fate
if i die it better be in his arms or from heatstroke

ghostmode: probably both

 

***
Lesbian HQ – Killjoy & Raze

9:51am
lockdown: i convinced brimstone to let us bring the whole team

blastie: you’re a legend

lockdown: he said “as long as no one gets arrested this time”

blastie: no promises

 

***
Pride Festival – IRL

Raze is in rainbow overalls and LED sneakers
Killjoy’s shirt says “Girls Who Code and Kiss Girls"
Sage has a bi flag cape
Jett’s hair is streaked pink and blue
Clove’s outfit shifts colors in the sun
Fade looks like a dark goddess in black glitter
Phoenix is in mesh. and glitter. and fear.

hotwings: WHY DID I AGREE TO THE GLITTER
immortal: bc it brings out your eyes
hotwings: you can’t just SAY that
immortal: i can. and did

Yoru’s in a black crop top with a tiny trans flag patch

He says nothing but watches Phoenix dance like he’s memorizing it
And maybe he is

 

***
Down bad central – spicychicken, lilwings, boomcore, ghostmode

12:23pm
lilwings: did yoru just wipe glitter off his cheek using phoenix’s sleeve

spicychicken: I’M GONNA SCREAM

boomcore: the intimacy is insane

ghostmode: someone play i kissed a boy on loop

 

***
Protocol After Hours – Group Chat

1:35pm
blastie: everyone still alive?

wingmans dad: i lost kayo somewhere near the roller disco

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: STATUS: LIVING MY BEST LIFE

wind girl: can we talk about yoru and phoenix slow dancing in front of the food trucks like they weren’t just calling each other names last week

healing god: romance comes in strange forms

sleep paralysis demon: it’s called gay yearning sage

dadstone: just… please don’t let them set anything on fire

hotwings: too late

locksmith: he bumped into a torch and yoru caught it before it fell

immortal: i think i blacked out from how hot that was

blastie: pride 10 out of 10
no notes

lockdown: can we do this every year

blastie: yes. and next time
we’re getting custom shirts

 

***
Private Chat – Yoru & Phoenix

8:16pm
hotwings: thanks for catching that torch earlier

Yoru: it was either that or let you combust in front of children

hotwings: romantic

Yoru: you looked good today. in the glitter

hotwings: you always look good. even when you’re being mean

Yoru: shut up

hotwings: shut up back

Yoru: next year. same time?

hotwings: it’s a date

Chapter 5: Glitter, Flags and Flushed Faces

Summary:

The agents head to a Pride festival full of glitter, churros, and chaos. Secret crushes come to light, Deadlock outs Fade’s embarrassing confession, and someone catches her blushing in real time.

💬 Protocol After Hours

2:14pm
Blastie: alright queers and allies, pride festival tonight. who’s coming?

Wind Girl: lesbians will be THERE. obviously.

Lockdown: i’m there. gotta support the bi squad too, y’all know how it is.

Healing God: bi and proud. also i’m bringing snacks because priorities. anyone else want chips?

Immortal: i’m in. also i swiped some pride pins and i’m wearing them all at once. feelin unstoppable and fabulous.

Hotwings: someone just called me “zesty” at the market and idk if it’s a compliment or an insult. either way, i’m owning it.

ISOlation: bro, that’s literally you in a nutshell.

Wingman’s Dad: i’ll be there rocking my pan flag pin. matching with neon because we’re that predictable duo.

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: i’m the walking genderfluid flag and honestly? no complaints. flair on point.

Dadstone: proud of all of you. just don’t get arrested, please. i want a good story, not a headline.

 

7:12pm
Wind Girl: where is everyone? i’m here early and kinda overwhelmed by all the glitter.

Blastie: stuck in traffic but almost there. blaring pride anthems in the car, so mood is good.

Lockdown: at churros stand. neon and gekko are being extra loud, like always. it’s obnoxious but also kind of adorable.

Healing God: pics or it didn’t happen.

Lockdown: sending now.

Lockdown sent: [image: Neon and Gekko laughing under twinkling rainbow lights, both sporting matching pansexual flag pins]

Immortal: absolute dorks. their energy is unmatched.

ISOlation: where’s clove?

Immortal: with me. we’re near the flower crown booth, totally vibing, lowkey stealing petals.

Hotwings: did anyone see sage and jett? last I checked, Jett was trying to convince Sage to slow dance. guess who’s failing?

Blastie: honestly, same. Sage is playing hard to get but we all know it’s a soft no.

Healing God: excuse me, i’m just emotionally unavailable right now, leave me alone.

 

7:46pm
Lockdown: btw, saw fade and deadlock holding hands by the pride flag booth. very sneaky, very cute.

Healing God: omg send pics.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: no.

Locksmith: fine, but delete after. don’t get us caught.

Lockdown sent: [image: Deadlock and Fade smiling shyly, holding hands, wrapped in rainbow flags, soft glow from the booth lights]

Blastie: AWWW THEY’RE SO CUTE.

ISOlation: everyone stop, i’m trying not to cry. love is love.

Hotwings: yoru and i are lowkey just standing close and throwing shade at everyone else’s flirting because we’re smooth like that.

Wind Girl: typical GAY move. love it.

 

8:15pm
Immortal: also killjoy and raze just demolished the dance floor. no one can keep up with those two power lesbians.

Lockdown: we run this pride.

ISOlation: sage and jett finally found each other and are holding hands like it’s the biggest secret.

Blastie: my bi heart is full.

Wind Girl: seriously, pride is the only place where glitter and feelings mix so well.

Hotwings: agreed. and yoru still won’t admit he wants to dance with me. stubborn as hell.

Deadlock: Fade totally turned bright red and basically stammered through a “so uh, I like you a lot, and uh, maybe we could, like, dance sometime?” like a nervous mess. I’m never letting
her live that down.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: omg shut up. I was only nervous okay?? it’s not like I planned to nearly trip over my own feet while saying it.

Locksmith: but you did say it, and that’s exactly why I love you…awkward dance moves and all.

ISOlation: wait, wait. someone got a pic of fade blushing??

Lockdown sent: [image: Fade bright red, looking embarrassed, Deadlock grinning beside her]

Hotwings: hahahaha omg iconic

Wind Girl: y’all are such dorks, I live for this

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i hate all of you. except deadlock.

Hotwings: lesbians.

Wind Girl: gay.

Lockdown: this is why pride is the best

 

8:50pm
Dadstone: okay everyone, group photo in 10. bring flags, smiles, and all the glitter you got.

Blastie: ready to flood social media with rainbow love and good vibes only.

ISOlation: same. this is gonna be iconic.

Immortal: pride month forever. can we make this an annual tradition?

Lockdown: can’t wait for next year. same time, bigger crew, more glitter.

Hotwings: and less traffic, please.

Wind Girl: honestly, could use a personal glitter cleanup squad too.

Blastie: same. someone get me a mop and a glitter vacuum.

Chapter 6: Post Pride breakfast chaos

Notes:

Small refresher on the nicknames!

Fade: Sleep Paralysis Demon
Deadlock: Locksmith (Iselin is her real name)
Raze: Blastie
Killjoy: Lockdown
Sage: Healing God
Clove: Immortal
Killjoy: Lockdown
Iso: ISOlation
Jett: Wind Girl
Brimstone: Dadstone
Gekko: Wingman’s Dad
KAY/O: MICROWAVE DESTROYER

(Neon and Yoru both don't have nicknames yet so if there are any suggestions feel free to drop them!)

Protocol After Hours

9:23am
Blastie: good morning to everyone except fade and deadlock who are mysteriously not at breakfast right now

Wind Girl: lesbians are awake but where the hell are they actually

Lockdown: i have counted the chairs at this table and they are the only two missing. very suspicious

Hotwings: suspiciously gay if you ask me. and i always ask myself that

Healing God: i made pancakes for all of you. but no one gets any until they show their faces

Immortal: someone film this. i feel like they are hiding something good

Wingman’s Dad: where is neon by the way? she swore she wanted churros for breakfast and then just disappeared

ISOlation: bro you left with her last night do not pretend you do not know where she went

Wingman’s Dad: we went to find churros and totally forgot the time. i swear. we just talked. maybe kissed a little. maybe

Hotwings: pansexual chaos. love to see it

 

9:30am
Dadstone: unless deadlock and fade are hiding in the vents i expect them downstairs in five minutes

Lockdown: if they are in the vents that is dedication to the sneaky lesbian lifestyle

Wind Girl: WAIT WAIT WAIT look at this

Wind Girl sent: [image: Fade tiptoeing past the common room doorway with her hood up, covering her face. Deadlock right behind her holding her hoodie, grinning like she just won a prize. Both of them are trying not to laugh.]

Blastie: OH MY GOD CAUGHT IN THE ACT

Immortal: this is the best thing i have seen all week. you can feel fade’s soul trying to escape

Healing God: fade i thought you were supposed to be the scary mysterious one. what happened

Sleep Paralysis Demon: shut up shut up shut up it is NOT what it looks like

Locksmith: it is exactly what it looks like. someone fell asleep halfway through the movie, while
we were cuddling AND while holding my hand. very romantic right

Sleep Paralysis Demon: ISELIN i swear to god i will END you

ISOlation: wait. wait. did she just call her iselin?? like her real name??

Wind Girl: AWWWW that’s so soft i’m dying

Blastie: oh my god they’re officially disgusting now. real names AND hand holding??

Healing God: raze you say that as if you and Kj don’t do it all the time too

Blastie: yeah..but its differentttt

Hotwings: this is going in the gay history books. fade you’re finished.

Locksmith: but you wouldn’t end me. and that’s why i love you.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: iselin shut UP i swear—

ISOlation: no no you can’t take it back. you said it. you called her by her real name.

Immortal: someone write this down. this is officially the cutest meltdown i’ve ever seen.

Immortal sent: [image: Fade with her face completely hidden in her hands. Deadlock beside her with the biggest grin ever. Fade’s ears are bright red.]

Hotwings: i cannot breathe. this is better than breakfast

Blastie: fade blushing. deadlock grinning. names dropped. this is feeding me spiritually

Wingman’s Dad: neon says “bless the gays” from across the kitchen

Immortal: lesbians winning as usual

 

9:50am
Dadstone: pancakes. now. or i am throwing them out the window

Hotwings: brim throwing pancakes like grenades is the energy i want to start every morning with

Lockdown: did anyone check the kitchen ceiling? someone duct taped the trans flag up there last night

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: that was me. pride is vertical

ISOlation: fade and deadlock’s gay panic distracted everyone from the real crime

Healing God: they are downstairs now. looking like they ran away from a crime scene

Healing God sent: [image: Deadlock and Fade sitting at the kitchen counter. Deadlock looks smug as ever. Fade is hiding behind her coffee cup.]

Immortal: the walk of shame is so real right now

Wind Girl: no one is safe here

Blastie: my bi heart is full. by the way Jett you and Sage disappeared last night too huh

Wind Girl: Sage wanted to see the moon. very innocent. very not suspicious

Healing God: i was absolutely not slow dancing by the fountain. definitely not

Hotwings: so everyone got soft except me and Yoru

Wingman’s Dad: bro you literally called yoru mysterious and cool in your sleep. that counts

Immortal: i have audio proof. you said his jawline could cut glass apparently

 

10:12am
Wingman’s Dad: neon says you are all embarrassing but also cute

Lockdown: wait are you two holding hands under the table again

Wingman’s Dad: no comment

Blastie: lesbians still undefeated though. KJ and i ruled the dance floor last night

Lockdown: because we run this pride

Immortal: this is the gayest breakfast i have ever seen and i want it to happen every day

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: pride. pancakes. petty gossip. life is complete

Dadstone: this is why i love this team. and why i am going to need more coffee

 

10:45am
Wind Girl: next year we are doing this again. bigger flags. more glitter

Healing God: and a proper glitter cleanup squad please

Hotwings: and someone confiscate the duct tape from MICROWAVE DESTROYER

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: NEVER.

Blastie: i vote pride breakfast becomes a new tradition

Lockdown: agreed. and someone bring more churros next time

Immortal: and flower crowns

Wingman’s Dad: and tea to spill in group chat

Sleep Paralysis Demon: and less public embarrassment please

Locksmith: but i love you for it

Sleep Paralysis Demon: stop. oh my god

ISOlation: gay panic is the breakfast special today huh

Dadstone: alright queers. group photo before the pancakes are all gone

📸 [image: the whole team squished into the kitchen. everyone is smiling with pride flags and pins everywhere. Fade is still hiding behind her cup. Deadlock is grinning beside her. KAYO is holding up the duct taped trans flag like a trophy.]

Hotwings: perfect.

Chapter 7: Breakfast Chaos part 2

Summary:

this is sort of the same as the last one but different at the same time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Blastie: okay but like... why is deadlock feeding fade pancakes right now. someone explain that to me.

Wind Girl: lesbians are thriving. it’s too early for this level of gay.

Lockdown: not the pancakes... deadlock actually cutting fade’s food like they’re an old married couple.

Hotwings: OH MY GOD she just called her iselin again. fade you are soft and exposed and we are all witnesses.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: shut UP. i literally hate all of you. stop making this a thing.

Locksmith: but you called me iselin twice now. once in public. and now at breakfast. this is permanent.

Immortal: oh my god fade’s ears are going red again. stop. i’m gonna scream.

Wingman’s Dad: neon says this is lesbian excellence and she supports it.

Healing God: deadlock feeding fade pancakes at the breakfast table while fade dies inside is the best content i’ve had in years.

Blastie: okay but how does it feel to be the scariest one here and still get soft like this huh fade?? explain yourself.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i swear i will hex every one of you.

Wind Girl: yeah yeah threaten us later. right now own the fact that you went “iselin i swear i’ll end you” last night like the world's sappiest gay.

Hotwings: fade is love. fade is soft. fade is wife material.

Locksmith: she is. and i love her for it.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: iselin stopppp oh my god i can’t breathe

ISOlation: she said the name AGAIN. third time. fade you are doomed forever.

Lockdown: hold on i’m making this an official server status. “fade: secretly soft for iselin”

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: update complete. status logged. cannot be erased.

Dadstone: i did not survive three wars for this chaos at breakfast but here we are.

Blastie: you secretly love it old man.

Dadstone: i do. but also someone clean the juice you just spilled raze.

Wingman’s Dad: neon and i are judging everyone. it’s peaceful here.

ISOlation: bro you were the one blushing last night because she kissed your cheek.

Wingman’s Dad: shut.

Wind Girl: clove and iso were literally slow dancing behind the food truck last night. like do you two think we are blind.

ISOlation: bro it was one dance.

Wind Girl: and the second?

ISOlation: shut.

Hotwings: this whole breakfast is just gay court.

Healing God: not me sneaking pancakes to jett under the table because she pouted.

Wind Girl: i did NOT pout. i asked nicely.

Blastie: you literally made puppy eyes at her sage. you’re not slick.

Lockdown: lesbians feeding each other on my watch... bless.

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: documented. stored. archived.

Dadstone: we’re never going to finish breakfast are we.

Immortal: i never want this to end.

Wingman’s Dad: neon says this is the softest pride weekend ever and she demands it happen every month.

Hotwings: i demand more pancakes.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i demand silence and less bullying.

Locksmith: you love the attention Hazal.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: ISELIN WHAT THE HELL. DONT USE MY REAL NAME IN FRONT OF THEM.

Wind Girl: OH MY GOD DID DEADLOCK CALL FADE BY HER REAL NAME TOO?!? fade i bet she whispers it in your ear when no one’s around.

Lockdown: omg imagine fade actually blushing and hiding behind her hoodie when deadlock calls her cute.

Immortal: i do not have to imagine. she is doing it RIGHT NOW.
Immortal sent: [image: Fade hiding her face behind her coffee cup, Deadlock grinning proudly beside her, obviously teasing. Fade’s ears burning red.]

Hotwings: peak gay panic. this feeds my soul.

ISOlation: i live for this drama.

Wingman’s Dad: neon says “fade and deadlock supremacy”

Sleep Paralysis Demon: you are ALL dead to me.

Locksmith: but you love me.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: ...maybe. shut up.

Dadstone: i will pay someone to finish this breakfast in peace.

Hotwings: ten bucks says you secretly love the chaos old man.

Dadstone: fifteen bucks says i throw these pancakes like grenades if it continues.

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: warning: pancake projectile imminent.

Lockdown: unrelated but... is that the trans flag still duct taped to the ceiling.

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: pride is vertical.

Healing God: i refuse to remove it.

Blastie: same. sacred pride relic. stays forever.

Hotwings: so anyways i saw jett and sage sneak off holding hands behind the fountain last night.

Lockdown: lesbians caught in the wild.

Healing God: okay maybe we slow danced a little.

Blastie: i KNEW it.

Windman’s Dad: meanwhile gekko and neon came back holding three churros and one brain cell.

ISOlation: that one brain cell was doing its best.

Wind Girl: sage caught iso staring at clove during the fireworks.

ISOlation: i was not staring.

Healing God: you literally sighed and went “wow”

Hotwings: bro. simp.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: can we talk about anyone else except me and deadlock now

Locksmith: no.

Wind Girl: absolutely not.

Lockdown: fade and deadlock forever. you’re doomed.

Blastie sent: [image: Deadlock pretending to crown Fade with a pancake while Fade glares, red in the face, holding a fork in defense.]

Hotwings: i am crying. this is pure art.

Dadstone: last warning. group photo or i flip the table.

Healing God: he will. save the pancakes.

Wind Girl sent: [image: the whole team squished together in the kitchen. pride flags everywhere. pins stuck to clothes. neon flashing a peace sign. gekko grinning. clove with a flower
crown. iso leaning into them. raze and killjoy cheek to cheek. jett poking sage’s cheek. fade hiding behind her coffee cup. deadlock beaming beside her. kayo holding the trans flag duct
taped to the ceiling like a prize. brimstone holding a spatula in defeat.]

Hotwings: perfection.

Immortal: this is going on the server.

Lockdown: this is going in the next year’s pride slideshow.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i hate all of you.

Locksmith: but you love me.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: maybe. shut up.

Dadstone: i love this team.

Chapter 8: Post Pride Panic

Protocol After Hours

Blastie: okay real talk, does anyone else feel like the post-pride crash is hitting hard or is that just me

Wind Girl: no it’s real. i feel like i partied for a week straight and now i’m just a glittery ghost

Lockdown: my legs hurt from dancing. my arms hurt from waving a flag. my soul hurts from all the emotions

Hotwings: my brain hurts because i’m trying to forget that fade BLUSHED AT BREAKFAST

Sleep Paralysis Demon: LET IT GO

Locksmith: never. hazal baby you literally went pink. i saw it with my own eyes

Immortal: and we all saw it. thanks to me. you’re welcome
Immortal sent: [image of Fade mid-sip, pausing with wide eyes, clearly realizing she’s being watched. Deadlock is smirking beside her, pancake on her fork.]

Healing God: still the highlight of my morning

Blastie: that and kayo narrating it like it was a documentary

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: THE SAPPHICS DISPLAY HIGH LEVELS OF AFFECTION. FASCINATING. OBSERVE AS ONE FEEDS THE OTHER A PANCAKE

Wind Girl: i can’t breathe

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i can’t breathe. i was trying to have a normal moment and now it’s part of queer protocol history

Lockdown: babes there was nothing normal about deadlock calling you by your first name twice

ISOlation: three times now

Wind Girl: if she says it again we legally have to start printing it on mugs

Hotwings: i already wrote “Hazal ❤️ Iselin” on the whiteboard above the toaster. it’s canon now

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i will burn the kitchen down

Locksmith: you love me too much

Sleep Paralysis Demon: unfortunately yes. now stop talking

Immortal: can’t wait to retell this entire saga at next year’s pride. fade’s downfall

Wingman’s Dad: neon is writing a ballad. she says it’s called “pancakes and panic” and it’s a tragic gay romance

Healing God: i want front row seats

Blastie: can she do a dramatic reading during brunch

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: PERMISSION TO COMPOSE A DRAMATIC SCORE USING EMPTY POTS AND PANS

Dadstone: permission denied

Wind Girl: brim let them cook. literally

Dadstone: speaking of, where is everyone. group breakfast is officially a thing and half of you are MIA

Lockdown: killjoy and i are in the lab. fixing the glitter cannon from last night. it exploded. again

Blastie: it EXPLODED because you pressed the rainbow button five times in a row

Lockdown: because the rainbow button is labeled “MORE GLITTER.” you can’t expect me not to test its limits

Wind Girl: she’s got a point

Immortal: iso and i are in the lounge. trying to get glitter out of his hair. it’s not working

ISOlation: help

Wingman’s Dad: neon just texted me from the garden. she’s trying to “ground herself” by standing barefoot in the grass and judging everyone from a distance

Hotwings: i’m judging you all from bed. yoru’s next to me pretending he’s not watching puppy videos

Wind Girl: he is definitely watching them

Healing God: i’m in the kitchen baking apology muffins because i used up all the pancake mix

Dadstone: apology accepted. carry on

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: I AM STILL IN THE CEILING. PLEASE SEND HELP OR COFFEE

Lockdown: wait are you still duct taped up there

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: YES. PRIDE IS STILL VERTICAL

Blastie: leave them. it’s symbolic now

Sleep Paralysis Demon: can we please not talk about me anymore. i beg

Locksmith: hazal.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: iselin no

Immortal: oh my god she did it again

Wind Girl: we are witnessing sapphic warfare in real time

Hotwings: i am thriving

Wind Girl sent: [image of Fade dramatically flopping over the couch, hoodie over her head. Deadlock standing above her with a mug that says “i ❤️ hazal”]

Blastie: that mug is real. i touched it

Lockdown: i made it last night. surprise

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i hate everyone

Locksmith: but you love me

Sleep Paralysis Demon: maybe. shut up

Healing God: jett just walked into the kitchen wearing my hoodie and said “this counts as breakfast” while eating whipped cream from the can

Wind Girl: why are you exposing me like this

Blastie: because it’s adorable and gross

Lockdown: classic lesbians. domestic chaos

Immortal: speaking of chaos, neon just texted me this
Immortal sent: [image of Gekko and Neon sitting in the grass. Neon has sunglasses on and is holding up a “judge free zone” sign. Gekko is smiling and eating a churro.]

Wingman’s Dad: i swear we are fine. we’re just sun powered now

ISOlation: clove is putting a flower crown on my head. i feel like i’m in a sapphic indie film

Immortal: you ARE

Hotwings: wait did clove and iso finally soft launch

Wingman’s Dad: define “soft launch”

Wind Girl: matching flower crowns and slow dancing counts

Sleep Paralysis Demon: is no one else going to mention the fact that hotwings and yoru are literally spooning on the couch right now

Blastie sent: [image of Phoenix half asleep, head on Yoru’s shoulder. Yoru staring at his phone while clearly pretending not to enjoy it.]

Hotwings: i was cold

Wind Girl: the gay tension is not cold sir

Healing God: i think yoru’s trying to act aloof but he just tucked a blanket around phoenix

Immortal: oh my god

Lockdown: gays. everywhere. thriving

Dadstone: i love this team. but i also love silence. finish breakfast or i’m putting glitter in the coffee machine

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: DO IT COWARD

Wingman’s Dad: neon says “brim being done with all of you is the only straight energy in this room and even that’s suspicious”

Wind Girl: we stan a suspicious dad

Sleep Paralysis Demon: what happens now that pride’s over

Locksmith: we keep being queer

Blastie: and dramatic

Immortal: and loud about it

Healing God: and soft

Hotwings: and chaotic

Wind Girl: and a little glittery forever

Lockdown: and next year we go even bigger

ISOlation: same time. same team

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: TRANSMITTING EMOTIONAL ENDING IN THREE. TWO. ONE.

Healing God sent: [image of the entire group squished on the couches. Flags draped over shoulders. Empty plates and mugs around. Everyone laughing or half asleep. Fade tucked into
Deadlock’s side. Kayo finally out of the ceiling, still holding the flag.]

Dadstone: alright queers. let’s clean up before the next disaster

Hotwings: i call dibs on the leftover syrup

Wind Girl: i call sage

Healing God: you already have me what do you mean

Wind Girl: i just wanted to say it

Locksmith: hazal’s asleep on me. i win

Immortal: you always win

Blastie: next year someone better propose at pride. i need drama

Lockdown: too real too fast

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: EMOTIONAL DAMAGE DETECTED

Wingman’s Dad: neon says next year we bring glitter cannons that work. she’s designing one now

Lockdown: i want in

Dadstone: lord help us

Healing God: it’ll be fine

Hotwings: famous last words

Sleep Paralysis Demon: fine. but no more pictures of me blushing

Wind Girl: no promises

Immortal sent: [image of Fade curled up under Deadlock’s arm. She’s holding a mug. Her eyes are closed. Deadlock is kissing the top of her head.]

Hotwings: oh we are so never letting you live this down

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i hate you all

Locksmith: but you love me

Sleep Paralysis Demon: maybe. shut up

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: BEST DAMM PRIDE EVER

Chapter 9: Laundry day (and emotional damage)

Protocol after hours (Groupchat)

Blastie: okay real talk who keeps stealing my socks

Hotwings: check the dryer goblins

Immortal: nah that’s just yoru. man wears mismatched socks like it’s a personality trait

Hotwings: it’s not stealing if he does it on purpose

Wind Girl: wait no because i found my sports bra in the tactical gear closet last week. who even put it there

Lockdown: …phoenix

Hotwings: what the hell do you mean ME

Lockdown: you used the closet as a drying rack because the laundry room “smelled too damp.” my science equipment still smells like fabric softener

Healing God: honestly a win for the lab. lavender scent is calming

Wind Girl: not when my bra was hanging on your drone like a flag

Blastie: I AM SCREAMING

Immortal: fade’s hoodie is still in there too btw. the black one with the crow.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: do not touch it.

Locksmith: baby it has been in there for three weeks

Sleep Paralysis Demon: DO NOT TOUCH IT.

Wind Girl: are you telling me you have like thirty identical black hoodies and you still get mad when one’s misplaced

Sleep Paralysis Demon: correct

Hotwings: you’re impossible

Immortal: no she’s just gay.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: shut up

Locksmith: hazal, i will personally wash it for you.

Sleep Paralysis Demon: iselin stop saying my name in front of them

Blastie: SHE SAID IT AGAIN.

Wind Girl: bro at this point we should start a swear jar but for whenever deadlock says hazal

Hotwings: fade would be broke in a week

Immortal: correction: deadlock would be rich in kisses

Sleep Paralysis Demon: I AM LOGGING OFF

Lockdown: you say that every time and yet here you are

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: LOGGING OFF IS IMPOSSIBLE. THE CHAT BINDS US ALL.

Dadstone: i am about to bind you to actual laundry duty if you do not stop spamming

Blastie: dad please we’re suffering

Healing God: no because actually? the washing machines are possessed.

Wind Girl: explain?

Healing God: i put a normal load in, right? towels, socks, training gear. when i come back it’s all glitter. like every single item is coated in rainbow glitter

Lockdown: …my cannon did not do that.

Immortal: that sounds exactly like something your cannon would do

Lockdown: okay maybe it did. but only a little

ISOlation: i just want clean clothes. is that too much to ask

Wind Girl: yes. this house is cursed

Hotwings: yoru tried to hand wash his stuff in the sink. sink clogged.

Blastie: i saw it. looked like a crime scene in there

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: BLOOD?

Hotwings: no. just red dye from his shirt.

Immortal: ayo but he was so angry about it. he went “this is why i do not share housing with idiots” while literally plunging the sink with neon’s hairbrush

Wind Girl: i would like to die.

Healing God: neon was screaming from the hallway the entire time

Wingman’s Dad: SHE STILL IS. SHE JUST TOLD ME THAT BRUSH WAS “HER ONLY GOOD CURL DEFINER”

Hotwings: bro she is about to kill him

Blastie: can we livestream it

Dadstone: no.

Immortal: you’re no fun

Lockdown: can confirm, we just had a glitter explosion in the lab again.

Wind Girl: why are you and raze like this

Lockdown: because science

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: BECAUSE QUEER

Blastie: true

Sleep Paralysis Demon: can we please go back to the socks thing. my good pair is gone

Immortal: define “good” socks

Sleep Paralysis Demon: the black ones.

Immortal: …bro all your socks are black

Sleep Paralysis Demon: THESE WERE DIFFERENT

Locksmith: they were softer. she likes them when she’s anxious

Hotwings: aw that’s kind of sweet

Wind Girl: wait how do you know that

Locksmith: because she steals mine and then pretends they’re hers

Sleep Paralysis Demon: iselin i swear

Immortal: OH MY GOD. FADE STEALS SOCKS FROM DEADLOCK. CONFIRMED.

Wind Girl: relationship milestone unlocked

Blastie: next it’s hoodies then rings then marriage

Sleep Paralysis Demon: stop talking

Hotwings: no because imagine fade in deadlock’s jacket it would be like a weighted blanket with arms

Immortal: she probably already does it

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i said stop talking

Locksmith: but hazal darling you look adorable when you do

Wind Girl: SHE SAID IT AGAIN

Hotwings: HAZAL COUNT: 7

ISOlation: wait what’s the record

Blastie: yesterday was 9

Immortal: today we break it

Dadstone: today you all do laundry or nobody eats dinner

MICROWAVE DESTROYER: THREAT DETECTED

Healing God: fine. group laundry. meet in the basement in ten

Hotwings: this is either going to fix everything or kill us

Wind Girl: both

📸 Immortal sent: [image of everyone crowded in the laundry room. Killjoy glaring at a washing machine, Raze holding a plunger like a weapon, Phoenix sitting on the dryer, Fade hiding
her face in her hoodie while Deadlock holds a laundry basket for her.]

Immortal: lesbian domesticity speedrun

Wind Girl: fade is literally blushing again oh my god

Hotwings: HAZAL COUNT: 8

Sleep Paralysis Demon: i will set the machines on fire

Locksmith: but hazal then your hoodies will smell like smoke again

Sleep Paralysis Demon: …damn it

Blastie: WE HIT 9. WE DID IT.

Immortal: record matched. now someone push for 10

Lockdown: deadlock just say it casually in conversation

Locksmith: i would but she might actually kill me

Sleep Paralysis Demon: correct

Wind Girl: gay chicken but with her real name

Immortal: i’m begging

📸 Wingman’s Dad sent: [image of a sock taped to the fridge with “missing” written above it. Underneath someone doodled a little gravestone.]

Hotwings: goodbye fallen soldier

Blastie: not the sock memorial

Immortal: this is art

Wind Girl: this house should not be legal

Dadstone: agreed.