Chapter Text
It was hard to completely discern what a normal day was like in South Park. Zombie apocalypses, school shootings, being attacked by giant monsters and even having Satan himself throw a halloween party on Earth were as common as eating, but a peaceful and serene setting was equally as possible in said town.
Thankfully, it would seem that today was on the more uneventful side of the spectre, much to Kenny McCormick's relief.
For him specifically, normal days could sometimes involve having him brutally killed in the most various ways, then waking up on his bed on the next day as if nothing happened. He had been stabbed, drowned, thrown into lava and even eaten from the inside out by rats. Yet, no matter how gruesome, painful or gory any of his deaths were, the following day he would be back at school and hanging out with his friends normally.
As used as he was to end up in all kinds of crazy adventures with his friends, as well as basically beating death whenever it challenged him, that didn't mean he wasn't a fan of quiet, calm days, away from all the the dangerous stuff that seemed to follow him around. In fact, for very obvious reasons, these kinds of days were his favorite, which was why today he was in a particular good mood despite his monotone routine. He knew, however, to never let his guard down though.
Ignoring the sounds of children screaming and gunshots, Kenny calmly got in line to get him lunch, engaging in small talk with the boys there as he did so. He made his way through the cafeteria and sat next to his friends, discussing what to do after school with Stan and Kyle as he ate his lunch. Luckily, everyone forgot that he gave up on participating in the bike parade since he was suddenly killed by Jeff Bezos, otherwise they'd probably be pissed with him even after the truth about Amazon was revealed. It had been a few months since then, but they still talked about it every now and then, so it was still relevant.
For some miracle Cartman was nowhere to be seen, making the atmosphere way more amicable and enjoyable.
As amicable as it could get, that is.
It'd been some time since the whole incident with the internet troll Skankhunt42, but it was evident even to someone unafilliated with the school that there was some lingering resentment there. The girls were insistent on the idea that Skankhunt42's actions spoke for the boys' opinions, and needless to say things got even worse when Butters started the 'Wieners Out' movement in retaliation. Time passed, and the overall agressiveness and radical protests were over, but the two genders (yes, two) were still as distant as ever.
Most boys had gotten over the mass break-up and were no longer feeling depressed over it. Even Stan, who had been dating for the longest time out of all boys had seemingly stopped worrying over it. Despite that, they were all hurt by the whole situation as well, so they weren't trying to fix things either. Perhaps the only boys who truly couldn't care less about the situation were Craig and Tweek since they were a gay couple, and Kyle since he was single.
Kenny himself didn't really hold any grudges or loathing against the girls. His relationship with Sally Turner hadn't lasted long enough for him to have any special memories or leave a hole in his heart. Also, he had never been particularly close to any of the girls in the first place, so one could say he was pretty neutral about that whole mess. The way he saw it, the only unfortunate thing about the gender war was the fact that he could no longer buy homemade rice crackers from a girl next class, and boy, did he miss them.
However, what truly shocked both boys and girls wasn't how the cyberbullying caused people to permanently leave twitter or how images of everyone's mothers ended up with photoshopped penises in their mouth and spread out like wildfire. It was the fact that the gender war somehow gave birth to the most unexpected couple.
Cartman and Heidi.
Not a single person in the school could understand how they ended up together, but it obviously had something to do with how they no longer had any part in social media related issues. It was mindblowing to see the fat racist kid everyone hated kissing a once popular girl in the middle of the hallways, but with time people were able to accept the absurdity of it and mind their own business. After all, in a way, it was thanks to their efforts that the gender war slowly settled down. Everyone was far too astonished to be angry with each other.
It was concerning, however, when with each passing day Heidi slowly became more and more similar to Cartman, both in personality and physical appearence. Heidi went from a sweet, caring straight-A student to a female version of her boyfriend, which needless to say escalated into an outright obnoxious thing for everyone that had to deal with them. The once loving couple now frequently argued in the halls, complained about everything and got into fights with whoever crossed their line of sight. For some time Kyle was insistent that someone should do something about it - mostly thanks to his not-so-secret crush on her-, but everyone agreed that it was none of their business.
Eventually, fate proved that third-party interventions weren't necessary and they broke up, this time for good. Kenny hadn't seen them together since, but felt relieved when Heidi lost weight and went back to her usual self. Having one Cartman to deal with was more than enough.
Speaking of the devil, it was a surprise when Cartman showed up to the cafeteria at last; his Buddha box nowhere to be seen. He went straight to his friends's table, a huge smile on his face.
"Guys, guys! Holy shit guys, you won't believe what I bought!" He yelled as he jumped around, barely able to contain his excitement.
Everyone looked at each other uncertainly, until Kyle eventually decided to see what the fuss was about. "What?"
It then that Kenny noticed Cartman was holding a plastic bag. The fat boy proceeded to shove his hand inside it and pull out something that made their jaw drop.
"There was a promotion at GameStop, guys! I got Rocket League for Xbox One for less than 8 dollars!"
"Less than 8 dollars?!" Stan widened his eyes, suddenly curious both about the game and the price. All boys in the table seemed equally interested.
Kyle was confused. "What's 'Rocket League?'"
"You don't know? It's a soccer videogame where you control cars instead of people. You can use turbo and fly around to make goals, and apparently it's cool as shit."
"Soccer with cars? That does sound awesome." The jew admitted.
"Dude, isn't that the collector's edition?" Craig asked, noticing the small letters above the game title.
Cartman had a smug smile on as people kept looking at the game with astonishment "That's right Craig. It has several DLC packs included AND exclusive cars!"
"No way, this version should cost at least 30 dollars!" Clyde commented. "Did you buy a pre-owned disc?"
"Why the fuck would I buy a pre-owned game Clyde, you fucking idiot?! You think I'm poor like Kenny?!" Cartman growled, earning a frown from Kenny that went ignored.
"Wow, less than 8 dollars! That's super cheap!" Butters exclaimed in amazement.
"How much was it exactly?" Stan asked.
"$7,99! Can you believe it?!" Kyle rolled his eyes. "I'm telling you guys, we gotta gather in my house after school and-"
"Hey ba- ...Eric, what's up?" A gentle voice interrupted Cartman, who turned out to be none other than Heidi's. She offered him an emotionless look, holding a tray filled with food as she approached him.
Cartman's high spirits immediately vanished, and his overly excited expression was replaced with a downright depressed one. He looked down at the ground as if he had been recieving a lecture for the past 20 hours and all his energy was drained.
"Oh hey Heidi, what's going on." He asked, though his tone very clearly suggested he had absolutely no interest in the answer whatsoever. The boys at the table just awkwardly watched the scene in silence.
"What are you up to?" She asked, a bit nervous and unsure how to break the ice but no longer apathic and/or ignorant to ther former boyfriend's attitude much to everyone's surprise.
Cartman's sigh was so intense he exhaled all air in his lungs and had to inhale again. "Nothing, just, talking about playing a gamewiththeguys." He replied, his tone getting even more drained and uninterested as he kept speaking.
"You said you wanted to talk during lunch. You had something important to say." She reminded him when he said nothing more, her tone not as loving and caring as it used to be. "What do you want?"
"Oh yeah, that. Just give a sec with the guys and I'll come find you, mkay?" He said, not stopping to look at her in the eyes once.
Heidi rolled her eyes and let out an annoyed sigh. And with that she left.
As if completely erasing the last 45 seconds from his mind, Cartman's euphoria was back "-do a tournament or some shit like that!"
"T-To-To-Tournament?" Jimmy asked, stuttering as usual.
"This game has local multiplayer for up to 4 people at once. We can make teams and play against each other until there's only one left!" Cartman explained.
All boys looked at each other, silently agreeing to ignore the whole thing with Heidi as well as considering Cartman's offer.
"That sounds great! Count me in!" Butters was the first to voice his opinion, and soon the other boys ended up agreeing as well.
"Awesome guys, it will be cool as fuck! Alright, so let's meet up at my house after school. Bring your controllers and- oh Kenny, since you don't have one you can just watch while we play all day." He added with a smile, much to Kenny's frustration.
Then as soon as he came, Cartman vanished to meet up with Heidi, leaving the boys to discuss their afternoon plans by themselves.
Truth be told, Kenny was fine with just watching since it meant an afternoon away from dangerous stuff whether he played the game or not. All that mattered to him was to have fun with his friends, so he was not going to let Cartman's teasing ruin his good mood or his day. He focused on eating his lunch again, secretly looking forward to spend some quality time with everyone.
Once school was over everyone made a quick stop at their respective houses before heading to Cartman's. Kenny briefly told his mother and his sister that he might be coming late that day, and since he didn't have an xbox controller - much less an actual Xbox One - he simply got his Yu-Gi-Oh deck with him in case anyone wanted to play. He also got some snacks he paid for of his own pocket since he found it impolite to go to a gathering and not bring anything. It also saved him from Cartman's remarks about him being poor, though knowing the boy he would definitely find some way to tease Kenny anyway.
When Kenny arrived at Cartman's home he found out that some of the guys were already there, but several people wouldn't be coming. Apparently, Cartman made a scene and tried to use his 'anxiety' into guilt-tripping Heidi to date him again. His plan backfired, however, when he got bored at Heidi's lecture about a relationship needing effort from both sides, so he rudely pulled his Buddha box mid-conversation and started browsing his phone, revolting a lot of people in the process. So basically, the only people attending either didn't hear of the incident, don't give a damn about it or were just too interested in the game to let this pass up.
Jimmy was there, but he told Kenny that he wouldn't play the game either since he had no motor coordination to play a fast motion game like that. Token, Craig and Tweek were the last ones to arrive, and soon they all gathered excitedly in the living room.
It took Kenny exact five minutes to realize something was wrong.
As soon as Cartman turned on the TV and the Xbox, Kenny couldn't help but notice Cartman had a new Xbox profile that wasn't there a few days ago. He found it weird, but didn't comment on it.
The second time alarms set off in Kenny's head was 10 seconds later.
Nowadays, when you buy a new game - be it as digital media or physical media - you are supposed to download additional data in order to have a fully functional game. Also, games are frequently updated in order to add new content, fix issues and so on. Being a game that Cartman supposedly bought today before school, it was to be expected that they should spend the next 40 minutes or so waiting for it to fully download - and that's considering his internet would cooperate and download at max speed.
But there was no download.
The game started right away without downloading everything. Thankfully, Kyle also found it strange and voiced his doubt to Cartman, who replied that he downloaded the entire data before everyone arrived. Everyone seemed to buy it, but Kenny did not. He couldn't shake away the feeling that something sounded fishy. After going through several literal death experiences he had developed a weird instinct of feeling danger.
"...Maybe I'm just overthinking." He thought, trying to ignore his unease.
But it only grew stronger once he started setting up the matches.
"Hey guys, I was thinking... How about we make this tournament a bit more interesting?"
When these words came out of Cartman's mouth, Kenny was absolutely sure he was plotting something. Everyone stopped what they were doing and listened to Cartman.
"How so?" Butters asked, sounding confused.
"Well, I was thinking about- I don't know. How about, uh, the winning team can give the losing team an order or something. I don't know, I mean- it could be fun, right?" He replied, his voice dangerously innocent.
Normally, Kenny would have agreed, but the fact that it was Cartman of all people suggesting it was suspicious, to say the least. Thankfully, Kyle seemed to have thought the exact same thing, evident in the way he narrowed his brows.
"An order?" Token inquired, somewhat hesitant as well.
"Yeah, an order like- I don't know. 'Do the winning team's homework', or something like that? Maybe 'record a video sucking the winners's balls', I don't know."
Kyle frowned. "You wouldn't come up with this if you weren't sure you could win, fatass. I bet you're up to something." He stated.
Cartman looked at the jew with surprise. "That's not true Kyle. I just thought it could be fun, that's all."
"TIMMEHH!" Timmy yelled. Wait, what was he even doing there?
"Even if you lose?" The jew insisted. Everyone else just watched.
"Haha, there's no way I'll lose."
"You sound awfully certain of that."
Cartman finally snapped. "God damn it Kyle, stop being a pain in the ass! How the hell would I be sure of it if I bought the game today? No one here even knows how to play the damn game yet!"
At this Kyle seemed to run out of things to say. "W-Well..."
"Oh wait. Don't tell me you're afraid of being ordered around?" Cartman teased, his tone mocking.
The jew scowled. "I am not."
"Popopopo, Kyle is scared of losing, popopopo" Cartman started mimicking a chicken, and even Kenny had to admit it was kind of funny.
Butters chuckled. "Hahaha, Kyle is afraid! What a loser!" Everyone else started laughing.
Now it was Kyle's turn to snap. "I am not! Fine, I'll play this stupid game!"
Neither Kenny or Kyle missed the mischevious look in Cartman's eyes as he smiled. "Great! Alright, let's separate the teams! I'll go with Stan, Craig will go with Clyde, Kyle will go with Butters, Token will-"
"Hold on. What the hell are you doing?" Stan asked.
Cartman blinked. "I'm picking the teams, obviously. Are you on drugs or something?"
"Why are you picking the teams?" Craig questioned.
"Because it's my house and my Xbox, so I pick the damn teams! What's with the stupid questions?!" An exasperated Cartman growled, growing increasingly nervous.
"AGH! Why can't we pick the teams ourselves?!" Tweek yelled, twitching uncontrolably as usual.
"Well- I mean, isn't it obvious guys? No one would want to go with Kyle, so I need to be fair and pick the teams at random, or else he'll be left out like Kenny." He explained, visibly losing his composure.
Kyle pointed an accusing finger at him. "You're not picking the teams at random! I bet you're picking nonsensical teams just so you can have an advantage!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Well?"
"Then what do you suggest, huh, Kyle?! Are you telling me that I should let everyone pick who they want to play with?! And have everyone play with their best cards from the start?! Because that's just fucking stupid!"
"Cards? I thought we were going to play Rocket League." A confused Butters pondered out loud.
"Shut the fuck up, Butters!"
Kyle just rolled his eyes while Stan lost his patience. "That's enough Cartman! We don't have all day. Either we pick our teammates or do a raffle, otherwise we're out of here." He declared and all the boys agreed immediately.
Cartman tried to argue, but at that point none of the boys were in the mood to hear another word. Kenny blinked as things got more and more heated, and just stood there awkwardly wondering if he should intervene. He didn't even care about the game anymore; concerned about the prospect of having his day ruined over something so stupid. Hell, they hadn't even started playing yet and the atmosphere was heavy.
"Fine! Let's do a fucking raffle then! Don't say I didn't warn you afterwards!" Cartman yelled and Kenny let out a sigh in relief. Since they were able to reach something like an agreement then maybe there was still hope for his day. He couldn't help being pessimistic when bad things always happened to him though, so he silently wished things wouldn't go downhill from there.
Kenny helped the boys write up everyone's name pairs of numbers in a sheet of paper, cut them into tiny pieces and put them all into a shoe box. One by one, the boys picked up a paper from the box and formed pairs with the person with the same number. Once the teams were formed, they were finally ready to start-
"Uh, hey guys, is everyone satisfied with your buddies? Because we can uh, do the raffle again if anyone feels like it." Cartman adopted his innocent 'good boy' voice again, looking around nervously.
"No, I'm fine." Stan said, moving next to Butters, who was quick to let out a 'me too!'
"Same here." Craig said, holding Tweek's hand.
"We're good." Token and Clyde nodded.
Cartman said nothing for a while, closing his eyes and doing one heavy breath before trying again. "So are you uh, 100% fine with who you got?"
"Nice try Cartman." A frowning Kyle hissed. "You're stuck with me whether you like it or not. And since we're teammates you might as well give up on whatever you were planning to order me to do."
...
"...Fuck."
...
Thankfully, the rest of the afternoon went smoothly, despite Cartman's plan being exposed and going down the drain. Kenny half expected the fat boy to kick everyone out of his house once his scheme failed since that was exactly the kind of thing he would do, but surprisingly that wasn't the case this time. The immortal could only assume that Cartman still had some ulterior motive, but maybe he was just being pessimistic again. Also, he wasn't even going to play, so even if Cartman was indeed planning something against someone, then he was probably safe.
Until, of course, there were different rules in play.
After drawing a tournament bracket of sorts the boys finally started playing the game. Kenny had to admit that the game seemed extremely fun, and everyone was actually having a great time. It was such a friendly and happy environment that if was like as if they were in some kind of TV show. Even Cartman's constant bragging about making a goal or stopping someone from making one was taken as playful teasing, and not even the most one-sided losses were being able to ruin anyone's mood. The matches were chaotic and unpredictable, specially since everyone was new to the game, but that just made the game even more entertaining.
Since there were only four teams, all it took were two matches for the 'tournament' to end, so eventually everyone decided to try going at one on one. Since it was technically a soccer game - albeit a rather unusual one - the minimum requirement for a match was to have at least two people in each team. So they came up with a way turn this tournament into individual face-offs, yet still playing in teams.
Let's say Kyle is arranged to play against Clyde. Each of them are allowed to choose one of the remaining eight players to be their partner for that battle, but these partners wouldn't be evaluated at the end of the match. So even if Clyde and his partner win together, the victory would count only as Clyde's. A win would let them advance through the brackets while a loss would get them disqualified, and they'd all play until only one player remained. At the final match, only the actual player who managed to reach the finals would be able to issue the punishment, but both the loser and everyone else would be bound to follow whatever punishment the winner would decree. Simple and efficient.
And so the real tournament started. Kenny had to admit that this arrangement was way more exciting, even if it meant Cartman now had a chance of going along with his original plan, whatever it was.
Tweek got anxious and lost early on against Stan, but was picked as Craig's partner right in the next match against Clyde. The power of love prevailed and Craig advanced rather easily.
Next was Kyle against Butters. Now, everyone was picking their partners from earlier since it made things easier for everyone. But the fact that Kenny had been just watching this whole time bothered Kyle, so he offered to team up and Stan gladly lent his controller to him. It also got Kyle away from Cartman from a bit since the fat boy was a toxic player. With this turn of events, Butters had to pick someone other than Stan as his assistant, and none other than Cartman himself volunteered almost immediately. His reasoning was simple: "You think I'd pass up the opportinity to kick both the jew's and the poor kid's asses?"
Despite that, Butters and Cartman suffered an overwhelming defeat. Having a knack for videogames that literally got him to lead an army of angels and fend off an invasion from Satan himself, Kenny got the hang of the game rather fast. After watching several matches and learning his way with the controls, he was able to synergize pretty well with Kyle. The goals kept coming one after another and the other boys started cheering for them. Once the three minutes of the match were up and the match was officially, a surprising score of 4 to 0 got everyone stunned.
Except for Cartman.
Kenny once again had a weird feeling that something wasn't right. It most certainly wasn't in Cartman's character to lose a game and be positive about it, specially when he went as far as congratulating both Kenny and Kyle for their 'well-deserved victory'. Even if that technically didn't count as his loss, but Butters's, it was still unsettling to see him act like this. What could the reason be? Was he just trying to shake the attention away from his poor performance in the match? Was he planning something again? Or was a part of him actually decent enough to play a game respectfully?
The final match of the preliminaries was between Cartman and Token. With the last match still fresh in their minds, everyone half-expected Cartman to suffer yet another embarrasing loss, and quite frankly, pretty much everyone secretly hoped for it to happen since they knew he didn't suggest the 'winner gives an order' for fun. Sharing everyone's will, Token and Clyde joined forces to eliminate Cartman from the tournament.
But that's far from what happened.
Cartman's change in skill level from one match to the other didn't go unnoticed by anyone. In fact, if one were to compare his performance from now to the one from last match, it woudn't be innacurate to describe he went from an autistic potato to a veteran pro player. Although still chaotic and messy, it was evident to everyone watching that Cartman was playing better than ever before, doing moves that none of them even deemed possible until then. That, added to the shock of this twist, shook everyone's morale and it didn't take long for Cartman to score the first goal. Then the next one. Then the next one.
It was then that Kenny realized.
Kyle was right. Cartman wouldn't have done all this if he wasn't sure he could win. Suddenly, everything fit into place. The new profile. The fact that there was no additional data to download. And now that absolute beating he gave to Token.
It wasn't Cartman's first time playing the game.
He tried to trick everyone into thinking it was a new game, that they were all on the same level and that the tournament would be fair. But in reality, he had planned ahead. He had been playing that shit for who knows how long, and the only reason he suggested benefits for the winner was because he knew he had an advantage and would most likely win.
...But as much as it made sense, it was still just a theory. He considered voicing his concerns to his friends, but did he even have any right to do so? Not only he could be potentially wrong, but even if he wasn't, he had no way to prove any of it. Besides, he wasn't even personally involved in the game. Usually, Kenny had a policy of not sticking his nose in someone else's business so as to avoid unnecessary trouble for himself. But the fact that Cartman could be hiding an unfair advantage from his friends went against his morals.
It was a complicated dilemma, so he decided to hold his tongue for now. He just hoped he wouldn't regret it afterwards.
"Whoa, Eric, that was amazing!" An astonished Butters chirped.
Cartman shrugged, wearing the fakest smile Kenny had ever seen in his face. "Oh, it was just luck."
Kyle gave him a weird look. The good thing about the jew was that he knew Cartman's schemes better than anyone, so he probably noticed something sounded fishy as well. But like Kenny, he said nothing about the suspicious victory, probably for the same reasons.
The tournament went on normally. Stan went against Craig (and Tweek). Deciding to give Butters a rest, Stan invited Kyle to play, reminiscing their days of playing Guitar Hero together and how good they were as a duo. It was a rough dispute as both teams were equally matched, and by the end of the match they were stuck with a score of 1 to 1. Since the match ended and there was no victor, the game immediately started the sudden death mode: Whoever scored next would win. Unfortunately, Tweek could not handle the pressure of this turn of events and started playing irrationally, leading his boyfriend and himself to their defeat.
With Stan guaranteeing his place in the finals, now was the time for the match that would decide his opponent. Cartman was visibly annoyed at the bracket since his next opponent was Kyle since it was rather anticlimatic for these two to not fight each other at the finals. Nevertheless, they picked their teammates and started what would be ammunition for teasing Kyle for days. Once again Cartman shocked everyone with more than above-average skills, using his to get his car flying somehow and thus scoring aerial goals that no rookie would be able to defend if not with a lot of luck. Sadly, that wasn't Kyle's case and he had to accept the unpleasant reality of losing to Cartman.
"Nananana, I beat Kyle in Rocket League, nananana!"
"Fuck you, Cartman!"
And thus, the match everyone was waiting for finally came. Stan and Cartman would face each other in the final game, and one of them would earn the right to impose a rule to all participants. Everyone was on the edge of their seats. This would surely be an epic battl-
*Ding Dong*
...This would surely be an epic-
*Ding Dong*
"Mom, answer the door!" Cartman yelled as he edited the match settings.
*Ding Dong Ding Dong*
At that point Cartman was nearly about to explode. Seeing how he wouldn't move to answer his own door, Kenny rolled his eyes and went himself. Maybe some of the other guys decided to show up after all?
When he opened the door he found none other than Towelie, still repeatedly pressing the doorbell despite the fact Kenny was standing right in front of him. Towelie finally took notice of the boy; every fiber of it's being as high as a kite.
"Oh hey Eric... Wow, you got thin." The towel said as it pulled a joint out of nowhere and took a huge smoke.
"Mmph mph mmh. [I'm Kenny.]" The boy replied, his voice muffled yet clearly annoyed. Unfortunately, the towel was too high to notice or care.
"Ahh... dude, I'm so high... Is Stan here?" Towelie said as he moved past Kenny and entered the house, seemingly forgetting that the boy was even there.
Cartman noticed the intrusion immediately. "What the fuck is he doing here?"
"Oh hey Stan. Wow... you got fat."
"I'm Stan." The boy rolled his eyes. "What do you want, Towelie?"
The towel took another large pull of it's joint. "Hey... I got a message from your dad. He needs you at the farm or some shit like that..."
Stan narrowed his eyebrows. "What? What the hell does he need me for?"
"...No idea, dude. He just said it's urgent. ...Hey, you guys wanna get high?"
Ignoring him, Stan rubbed his temple. "Holy shit, this can't be happening."
Cartman frowned. "Hold on Stan, you're not leaving now of all times, are you?"
"Dude, what choice do I have? Knowing my dumb fuck of a dad, he's probably so high he could end up doing something stupid and get hurt."
"What about the tournament?!" Kyle asked, not happy with this turn of events either.
Stan sighed. "I don't know."
"Oh great, did you hear that guys? He 'doesn't know'. Well that's great, Stan. It's not like everyone was looking forward to this, so let's just end the tournament here and go home." Cartman mocked, sarcastic.
Stan scowled. "We don't have to end the tournament here. Someone can take my place. Whether they win or lose, I'll take part in the whatever rule is imposed. It's the least I can do."
"Are you sure, Stan? Even if it's Cartman who wins?" Kyle questioned, implicitly emphasizing the danger in letting Cartman do what he wants.
"...Yeah. Whatever." He turned towards everyone. "Who wants to play in my stead?"
Silence.
Stan sighed. It was obvious that was going happen. No one wanted to play against Cartman after his last matches, specially since they would also have to carry a huge burden if they lost. One of them could be the person responsible for turning everyone into Cartman's slave in case they lost, and absolutely no one wanted to be that person or to find out what Cartman was planning to do.
"Whoa, seriously guys? No one will challenge me?" Cartman feigned disbelief with the most infuriatingly mocking smile on his face. "I guess we can count that as an automatic win-"
"[I'll do it.]"
Everyone turned to see Kenny step forward, a determined look in his eyes.
"Kenny, are you sure...? I mean, you're technically not even participating in this. It should be fine for you no matter who loses."
Kyle was right. Kenny had literally nothing to gain by doing this, yet he could end up losing more than just a game. He knew all too well the dangers of giving Eric Cartman the slightest illusion of authority. Yet, he was putting his dignity, his pride and the respect of his friends on table, and for what? To keep the tournament going and be a part of it? To protect his friends from Cartman and his potential schemes? What happened to his policy of not getting himself involved with unnecessary trouble?
Regardless of what was driving him, he felt that what he was doing was right, and that was all he needed. Someone had to take Stan's place, and that someone was him.
"[It's fine. I'll play.]" He said simply, slowly walking towards Stan. None of the boys said anything, captured by the moment. Finally, Stan nodded and handed his controller to Kenny, respecting his resolve.
"Good luck." Stan said, grabbing Towelie's by it's arm and dragging him towards the door. He stopped for a few seconds, slightly turning his head back to the others. "Sorry everyone."
And with that he left, closing the door behind him. An uncomfortable silence took place.
"...What's with the overly dramatic exit? Like holy fuck, do you guys think we're in an anime or some stupid shit like that?" Cartman commented bluntly.
Kenny ignored the fat boy and made his way to the couch, silently customizing his car. "[If anyone wishes to pair up with me, now is the time.]" He said, not turning to face the others. He wouldn't pick anyone himself. He wanted his partner to step up like he did or it would mean nothing.
"You do know that if you lose I get to order you around, right?" Cartman questioned. "It's not too late to quit, you know. Of course, it'll still count as my win either way, but at least you won't have to pay for it like those idiots over there." The boy said, growing increasingly angry when Kenny remained silent.
Finally, he shook his head. "[Shut your fat ass and let's get this started.]"
Cartman didn't like that answer. "Fine, have it your way! Just don't come crying to me after you lose! Butters!" He called suddenly. "Get your controller."
"Oh, um... Ok...!" The boy said nervously as he made his way to the couch.
"Well, Kenny, it seems no one wants to play with you." The overweight boy said, not even bothering to hide his mocking tone. "In that case, you'll have to play with a bot in your team."
Kenny said nothing again, eyes fixed on the screen. He knew he was acting weird all of a sudden and that everyone was probably confused, but he didn't care. If there was one thing Kenny hated with all his being was dishonest people. He believed that victories without effort meant nothing; that there was no shortcut to success and no honor to people who exploited unfair advantages over others to triumph. Which was why what Cartman was doing sickened him to his core, and why he felt the need to kick the boy's greasy ass as hard as he could in his own game. Chances of winning were slim, but he had to give it a shot.
The final match started. Kenny went all-out from the very start, depleting his entire tank of nitro to get to the ball first. He adopted an extremely agressive approach, taking both Cartman and Butters by surprise and leaving no room for a defense. As if inevitable, Kenny soon scored an extremely lucky goal within mere seconds that made Cartman's jaw drop. The boys cheered in amazement, rooting for Kenny with more spirit than the cheerleading team could ever muster.
Sadly, it only went downhill from there.
It soon became evident to Kenny that having a computer programmed AI as a partner was far from ideal. While the bot had a decent level of skill - since Kenny made sure to put it at least on a medium difficulty to keep things balanced - the bot apparently didn't understand the concept of teamwork. Unlike Butters and Cartman, Kenny had no way to communicate with his ally or to at least have any influence in it's actions, so it was the same as playing on his own. The AI would pointlessly run after the ball no matter where it went, forcing Kenny to play on the defensive since the lack of a goalie was resulting in goals for Cartman. Also, the bot would inadvertedly get in Kenny's way of scoring his own goals by trying to score them itself.
It wasn't a match between pairs. It was a three against one.
At that point Kenny realized that winning was highly unlikely. His teammate kept ruining his movements, Butters kept destroying Kenny's car (at Cartman's command) by ramming into it at full speed, and Cartman kept scoring goals at the unprotected goal. At one point the bot even scored an own goal by accident, deepening the score difference even more. Kenny tried desperately to at least get the game to sudden death, but it was in vain.
He lost.
"HAHAHAHAHA! See, what did I tell you, Kenny? You shouldn't have messed with Cartmaaan-BRAH!" An overly excited Eric laughed out loud. Everyone else was silent, trying to process the situation as well as what was to come.
"No way... Kenny lost?" Kyle muttered to himself, though it was loud enough for the others to hear.
"We're doomed." Clyde commented, feeling the sudden urge to run away screaming.
Cartman had a smug smile that went from year to year. "Well, it sucks to be you guys! Now, according to the rules - to which you all agreed to - I get to give an order to you assholes! And just to remind you-"
"We know Cartman! Just give the damn order already." An annoyed Kyle barked.
Eric just kept smiling. "What's with the rush, Kyle?"
The jew had the very opposite of a smile on his face. "We all know what we got ourselves into, so stop wasting our time. The sooner this is over, the better."
"Oh, but I'll have to disagree with you there, Kyle. I want to enjoy every second of this." Cartman started pacing back and forward like a predator taunting it's prey. "Now let's see, what should I have you guys do? Have you walk around in school naked? Nah, too easy. Fail your tests on purpose, maybe? Choices, choices..." He thought out loud, his voice filled with delight.
"...We are so fucked." An exasperated Clyde sighed, and Kenny couldn't help but grimace.
It was his fault.
He took the challenge. He accepted Cartman's terms and was aware of his cheating. He respected his friends's unwillingness to play with him, and he didn't refuse to play with an unconventional teammate in their place. So there was no one he could blame but himself. And it made him feel like absolute dogshit. Not because he lost, but because he failed his friends, even if they were unaware of his feelings themselves.
Eventually, Cartman stopped in place once his eyes locked on the trash can.
"Oh wait. Wait, that's it! I know what I'll have you guys do!" He exclaimed.
The boys looked at each other rather nervously. "Well, then say it already." Craig growled.
He slowly approached the trash can. "As I'm sure you know, the latest Game of Thrones season will be released soon..."
Tweek's eyes widened. "AHHGH! Don't tell me you won't let us see it?!"
"C-C-Co-Come on, Cartman. There's gotta be s-something else." Jimmy tried to reason with him. Even if he wasn't involved with the tournament, that punishment was too much.
"TIMMY!"
"Yeah dude, we all got plans to watch the premiere. You can't stop us from seeing it!" Token explained, but that only made Cartman's smile grow even wider.
"I'm afraid it's a little more than just missing the first episode, my friends." He reached inside the trash can, much to everyone's surprise and disgust. "You see, you guys will miss the movie because you'll be too busy doing something else."
"Like what?" Clyde asked, though he knew he would regret that question.
Kyle faced his friends. "Come on guys, it couldn't be any worse than that. He's just trying to mess with us even more."
"Oh is that right, Kyle?" He taunted and the jew said nothing. "Well, answering your question, Clyde..." Finally, Cartman pulled a crumpled piece of paper from the garbage can and carefully opened it up, revealing it's contents to the boys. "I'm afraid you guys will have to watch the girls's volleyball match!"
As if Cartman had just announced their public execution, genuine terror became evident in their expressions. How could such a catastrophic coincidence even be possible? Kenny pinched himself and hoped he was dreaming, but the painful truth was right in front of him. The dates was the same as the season's premiere. The time was almost the same as the episode's start. It was like as if that volleyball game was a cruel twist of fate created by some higher force with the very specific objective of ruining the boys's lives. Missing a movie they had been waiting for months was bad enough, but being forced to watch girls practice a sport they didn't care about made things a hundred times worse.
"AHHGH! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Tweek freaked out, pulling his hair and letting out a yell that sounded like a wild dog snarling.
"That's going too far, Cartman! Missing the movie is one thing, but watching the girls's volleyball?" An angry Kyle protested.
Butters fidgeted with his hands. "Oh man, I bet they're still mad that we flashed our wieners some time ago. They're going to kill us!"
"That's it. Either change the rule or I'm out. I'm not doing that!" Clyde declared.
"Fat chance, Clyde! You all agreed to this; there's no chickening out now!" An annoyed Cartman yelled.
Kenny watched in silence as the atmosphere grew more and more tense, cursing himself for being the cause of it. He was familiar with the most intense levels of pain; more than any masochist could ever dream of. And yet, the guilt of that loss was consuming him from the inside out, more than any of his death experiences could. He did something he could never redeem himself for, that not even a permanent death-
"Wait a minute... That's... that's kind of gay, to be honest." Kenny told himself, realizing how his train of thought had dangerously derailed into goth territory. If that wasn't the very definition of overreacting to a damn videogame, then he didn't know what was.
He pushed the thoughts away and frowned. The point is, he felt guilty that his friends would have to put up with some ridiculous order of Cartman because of his loss. Sure, they all had their degree of blame by accepting his the tournament rules and still going along with it. But the fact is that Kenny was their last resort, and he failed them. No one was blaming him (yet, at least), but he felt like it was his fault anyway. It wasn't fair for everyone to suffer when he lost the final battle, even if everyone agreed (at first) to it.
Suddenly, Kenny had an idea. If there was still any hope of sparing his friends from that ridiculous order, then he had to at least try.
"[Hey Cartman, I need to speak with you.]" He called, approaching the boy who was currently engaged in a heated discussion with the others.
"Not now, Kenny! If you want some change try juggling in some traffic light!" Cartman hissed, not even turning to look at Kenny as he glowered at a defiant Clyde.
Frowning, Kenny pulled Cartman's arm, who was so distracted by the argument that the sudden motion actually had him getting dragged a few meters away. Everyone watched in amazement and confusion as Kenny took a dumbfounded Cartman into the kitchen.
Once they were out of earshot, Kenny let go of Cartman's arm, who aggressively pulled himself away from the boy. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, Kenny?!"
"[Let them watch Game of Thrones. I'll go watch the girls's volleyball game in their stead.]" He went straight to the point.
"...Hah. Hahahahaha!" Cartman burst out laughing, eyeing Kenny with a are-you-fucking-retarded look. "Nice try Kenny, but the answer is no. You think I'll miss the chance of messing with those guys for no reason? Well, newsflash: Fuck you!" He flipped not one, but two birds.
Kenny's frown deepened. "[Alright, listen: I know you cheated.]"
Cartman scoffed. "Wow. Seriously Kenny? You lose, so you accuse me of cheating? I should have known you were a poor loser. Haha, get it? 'Poor' loser."
Kenny took a dangerous step towards Cartman and stabbed an accusing finger on his chest. "[I know that wasn't your first time playing the game. I know you made a fake xbox profile to hide your actual progress, that you intentionally played like a moron to kick Butters out of the tournament.]"
Of course, Kenny had no way to prove any of his claims and was merely bluffing. However, the way Cartman's expression changed was more than enough proof that he fell for it. Even Kenny was somewhat amazed at how convincing he sounded. Cartman threw an aprehensive glance towards the crowd of boys left behind, who were too busy discussing something among themselves to notice him.
"Do you think I'm stupid, Kenny? You can't prove any of it." Cartman saidas he turned his attention back to Kenny, but but his voice and his eyes lacked the usual mocking, confident tone/look; as well as the agressiveness that was most likely intended with the sentence. And Kenny didn't fail to notice it.
"[Then change profiles on the Xbox and show me that there is no trace of Rocket League in it. No achievements, no savedata or anything of the sort. Show me.]" Kenny taunted, bluffing again.
But it seemed to have it's desired effect. Cartman let out a sigh and frowned. "Alright Kenny, you got me. So what? Are you going to blackmail me now, like how poor people usually do to get drugs?"
Kenny ignored the comment. "[Either send me alone or I'll tell everyone you cheated. No one will play with you again, and most importantly, you won't be ordering anyone around. It's your choice.]"
Cartman's frown deepened, veins popping on this forehead as he experienced pure anger. "You've got to be kidding me. Kenny of all people is blackmailing me? Kenny?" He talked to himself, shooting a glare upwards. "Very funny, God! You just love fucking me in the ass, don't you?!"
Kenny was rather amused at the rant, but decided to press for an answer since it got boring fast. "[Well?]"
"Shut up Kenny, just let me- hey, wait... Wait a minute. What's in it for you?" Cartman suddenly asked.
"[Huh?]"
"Why would you want to go through this alone if you can avoid it, huh?" Eric asked, suspicion evident in his voice. "What are you not telling me?"
That was a good question; one to which Kenny didn't know the answer himself. Hearing it out loud made him realize how stupid it sounded, as he literally had nothing to gain from this. It was quite the opposite, in fact, and there was no doubt that missing Game of Thrones after two long years of waiting. So why was he doing this? Had he developed a masochistic side after experiencing so many painful deaths? Had he lost interest in Game of thrones after so much time without watching it?
"No... The answer is obvious."
It was about honor.
He knew of the cheating beforehand. He kept quiet and witnessed Cartman cheat against his friends, and he picked a challenge against him fully aware that it would not be a fair match. So mentioning the cheating now, when it would benefit him, would make him feel like a cheater himself. Besides, what was the point in calling out on the cheater AFTER he got what he wanted anyway? It was like waiting for a bomb to explode before telling everyone it was there. It was his mistake on not acting earlier, his mistake on picking a challenge he had nothing to do with and his mistake for losing. So it was only natural for him to own to his failures and pay for them himself, and not with the company of his friends.
"[Nothing. I just... deserve it.]" Kenny started, turning his back on Cartman, who watched in silence. "[I challenged you and I lost. I agreed to follow your orders if that happened, even though I wasn't even participating in the first place. And I intend to keep my word.]" He faced Cartman again, a fierce look in his eyes. "[Punish me and leave them out of this.]"
Cartman said nothing for a while, a stunned look on his face. "Wow... That... has to be the gayest thing I ever heard." He commented, sounding amused. "You do know that is literally the most stupid thing that has ever come out of your mouth, right? That you're literally asking me to forbid you to watch Game of Thrones?"
"[Whatever, fatass. Do we have a deal or not?]" Kenny asked, losing his patience.
"...You are as dumb as you look Kenny." Cartman sighed, rubbing his temple in frustration. "Fine, you win. I'll let those guys off for now." He said so with utter distate, much to Kenny's delight. "But if you want to play hero, then you better be prepared to have it hard."
"[What are you talking about?]" Kenny asked, genuinely confused. What could be worse than missing Game of Thrones to watch the girls's volleyball match?
"I'm talking about equivalent exchange, Kenny. I wanted seven people to miss the premiere, but instead I'll have just one. And since you're trying to protect them, it's only natural that you take their part in the punishment."
Kenny raised an eyebrow. He didn't like where this was going. "Your point?"
Cartman held his hands on his back, facing Kenny with a serious look. "I'm afraid you'll have to watch more than just one volleyball match, Kenny. If you really want to do this, you will have to watch their practices after school and whatever other matches they have as well, for the rest of the month." He declared.
"[...Last time I checked you were my bitch, not the other way around. What makes you think you can increase the punishment like that?]"
"Shut the fuck up Kenny, you damn hobo!" Cartman lost his cool again. "It's either that or we have no deal! I'll even tell them myself that I cheated, just to take that pleasure from you. And you can forget about this gay ass punishment you want! So what will it be, huh?!"
Kenny had to admit that he would love to see Cartman dig his own grave out of pettiness, and it sure was hilarious to see his stupid threats. But instead, Kenny said nothing, wondering if the redemption he sought for was really worth what he was getting himself into. A whole month girls's volleyball... Was his honor really worth that much?
...Damn straight.
"[Fine. I'll do it.]"
"What did you- ...Wait, are you serious...?" Cartman's face couldn't hide his disbelief.
Kenny nodded.
Cartman shook his head. "...Well Kenny, you are officially not just the poorest kid at school, but also the dumbest. You should be proud."
"[I have better grades than you, you know.]"
"Those mean nothing!" Cartman pointed a finger at Kenny. "And you better prepare yourself, Kenny. Because if you survive the girls's volleyball matches, I'll give you so many spoilers that you won't even have to watch the episodes at all." He made his way to the kitchen door, and was about to leave but then took a step back and faced Kenny again. "Oh, and Kenny?" He made dramatic pause. "I hate you."
With that he left, clearly in a bad mood, leaving an amused Kenny behind. The boy sighed, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He wondered if he should praise himself for achieving his objective or curse his stupidity, like Cartman pointed out. He knew that it could have been easier for everyone - specially him - if he had called out on the cheating and invalidated the entire tournament, but he simply couldn't live with himself if he had chosen the easy way out. Besides, he felt like it was the right thing to do. He picked a fight he could have avoided and lost, so he would deal with the consequences of his actions and take his punishment like an honorable man.
"...I wonder how this will turn out." He thought before heading out of the kitchen to meet back with everyone.
...
...
...
Prologue END