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Tonight, the lake was smooth. Small little far off ripples lapped invitingly at the makeshift shore, and so they indulged it and sat at the edge. They tucked their socks into the hollow of their shoes after taking them off and stuck their bare feet into the cool water and looked out across the lake. Summer was leaving late this year – the weather was slowly cooling and it was still really hot during the day, but the gentle breeze that blew their bangs out of their eyes was pleasantly warm. A frog somewhere nearby croaked softly, and crickets all around sang their nightsong. By all means, it was a perfect night.
And yet.
They could not let themself relax. For a plethora of reasons, really, but the most mundane of all is that there was a pie being made at home. They wished their worst problems consisted of missing one of their mother’s pies, but they had worse stuff going on right now. Specifically being that right now was the one time all day that they had had all to themselves. (They tried not to think about the blood-red heartbeat waiting back home for them. They did not ask themself if it was better for them or the soul to be trapped). The water was nice, though. They kicked their feet in the water a little and sent ripples throughout, disturbing the stillness of the lake and scaring the frog away. It was quieter now.
Overhead, the stars glittered and shone through the swath of night-orange trees and they could not help but think that the stars were watching them. It was the closest thing that they had to comfort, and so they reached a hand up and pretended like they would save them. And because they were all alone and weak, their raised hand shook, and they quickly tucked it into their lap.
“Asriel.” They said out loud, painfully aware that they were all alone.
“Azzy,” they said again, “I miss you.”
A few minutes of silence passed and they knew they were running out of time. They sighed and kicked their legs again, distantly enjoying the sound in the water that made.
“It’s hard without you. It’s just me and mom, but sometimes… I don’t know. It feels wrong to say I’m here when I’m not. Not really. I told you this before, remember? It scared you. You didn’t say that, but I could tell by the look on your face.” They started to trace random lines in the ground and did not look at the water again. “I’m sorry for scaring you. I didn’t mean to. It’s just… I guess that’s the kind of screw-up I am, right?”
They went quiet for a moment again, and pulled their feet out of the water. Rather than putting their socks and shoes back on, they rested their cheek against their knees and stared at the trees to their side. The first few leaves had started to fall and were scattered sparsely across the ground. It was kinda like a natural threadbare carpet.
“I’m not good at being who people want me to be. Really, I don’t think I’m good at all, but if I actually told you that I think it would scare you too. I know you and mom and dad love me, and I love you guys too… but I don’t know if that’s enough to fix whatever is wrong with me.” They sighed and brushed their bangs back over their face. It was a small comfort. “I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t know who I am — never did, never will — but I guess I’ve always known that I’m not worth it. I’ve always just been… going nowhere.”
A hot tear smudged in the corner of their eyes, and it hovered indecisively for a moment. They could almost hear it asking itself if it wanted to stay or go. And then it streaked down their face, and they let it. At least it made a choice – its own choice.
They needed to go home. Their mom was definitely starting to wonder why they were taking so long in the bathroom and they didn’t want to know what would happen if she went in there to check on them and find that they weren’t there. The water lapped softly behind them as they halfheartedly dried their feet off and put their shoes and socks back on, but they did not look back at it. It was too good a sight for someone like them to look at too long.
“I miss you, Azzy. Things are better when you’re here. It makes mom and dad really happy. And everyone else, too, but… they don’t need you like we do. I’m glad you’re coming home soon.”
The stars glittered all the same as they walked back home, and when they got closer they hid behind a nearby tree. They didn’t want their mom or Susie to look out the windows and see them. Not right now.
“I’m sorry, Azzy.” They said, feeling like they were setting something into stone. The air around them grew heavy with finality.
Now, they took their knife out of their pocket. It was here that the small pit of guilt in their stomach grew exponentially huge until they felt like it was gonna come up and out of their mouth, but they swallowed hard once, then twice, and steeled their nerves. This was a necessary evil. Well, they’re a necessary evil themself, frankly, but that wasn’t important to think about right now. What was important was their task ahead of them – slash their mom’s tires. And they only hesitated a little bit before they did it. The rest of their task would come later that night, they knew, so they could crawl back in through the bathroom window and pretend like everything was normal, but a small part of them hoped that someone would see, and ask them why they did that.
It was a silly thought. Nobody had ever really cared enough to see their forest for their trees before, so why would they now? And besides, they had left the bathroom faucet running. No one would suspect a thing.