Aaron Minyard’s Guide to Not Caring (Caring Too Much)

by lemongiirl

Summary:

Kevin watched him closely. “So. You staying?”
Aaron hissed through his teeth. “Fine. But one more word—”
“Yeah, yeah.” Kevin waved a hand. “Terrifying threat from a man the size of a medium pizza.”
Aaron groaned. “Shut the fuck up.”
Unsurprisingly to literally every single fucking person on the planet, Kevin did not shut the fuck up.

Or: Aaron Minyard’s daily struggles and pretending feelings are optional.

Chapter 1: Prologue

“It’s okay to move forward from things we once enjoyed,” Bee had said, a gentle look in her eyes as she sipped her hot chocolate. “It’s all part of growth.” Her voice was soft but believing. 

Not that Aaron had asked, but somehow, she’d answered the question he hadn’t dared to voice.

“I’m scared for you,” Katelyn had said the last time they spoke. “You’re always in your head now. You pull away like you don’t want me near you anymore. I’m scared this is how it’s always going to be; Me begging to be let in, and you shutting me out.”

Her voice cracked. She looked sadder than he’d ever seen her.

Aaron had that effect on people—drawing out their light, leaving them with the weight of his silence. Katelyn had been bubbly and radiant when they met. Full of laughter and warmth, she gave him everything he’d never had. So he took. And took. And took.

He knew what he had to do.

Katelyn didn’t get angry when he ended things. She looked at him, her eyes hollow, her shoulders heavy, and deep in her bright blue gaze, he thought he saw something else.

Relief.

So Aaron broke up with Katelyn. 

His depression clung tighter, chewing at his bones. Studying became impossible. But the court, the Exy court, was close.

When the urges came, the unbearable pressure in his chest, he ran drills until his lungs gave out. He pushed harder. Exhaustion was a welcome friend. If he could tire his body out enough, maybe the restlessness would stop. Maybe his mind would quiet down.

Waymack gave him pointed looks. Warned him about his grades.

Aaron didn’t care.

The court was near. It was the only thing that numbed him. Isolation wasn’t the solution, but it had always been there. Always waiting. He didn’t need Betsy’s advice.
Loneliness wasn’t a stranger. It had always been his oldest, and maybe only, friend.

Notes:

Hi.

Chapter 2: Chapter 1

You'll be the saddest part of me,
A part of me that will never be mine

***

The dreams all started and ended the same.

Aaron remembered that it hurt.
Looking at him, hurt .

Lifeless eyes bored into him as he curled tighter and tighter into himself, aiming to shrink away, trying to make sure the next punch didn’t land where it already ached. The Browns and blues of his body, mapped out on his skin.

His mother was especially engrossed in that dream lately, and Aaron still couldn’t figure out which memory brought it crashing in so vividly.

Thilda was an angry woman. Furious, often. She didn’t need a reason. Aaron had learned that early. His mere existence was enough. Just being was enough to push her off the edge. She would curse at him with venom in her throat, eyes wild in search of her next fix.

“I should’ve never given birth to a disgusting pig like you,” she hissed, just before the glass flew through the air.

Aaron flinched so violently he thought his heart had exploded right out of his chest. He clutched at it, dizzy and breathless, fingers searching for a hole that should have been there.

“Give me back my stuff!” she shrieked.

She didn’t care about the sobs. Didn’t care about the apologies. “I’m sorry, Mom,” he whispered again and again, but her hands answered with more slaps.

But the worst part wasn’t the pain. No, Aaron welcomed the pain.

The pain was bright. Spectacular. Like fireworks bursting under his skin. When her hand met his skin, it crashed through him, shattering through bone like waves against a cliff. At least it was something. At least it meant something.

When he was little, still young enough to believe that if she was mad, it must have been his fault, He’d retreat into his mind. He’d try to convince himself that the fireworks were real.

If he imagined enough fireworks, maybe he could drown everything else.

So, no, the pain was never the worst part. The worst was always him —the boy in the corner. The mirror image. His twin. Watching the scene with such brutal detachment, as if Aaron wasn’t even there. That apathy was what shattered him. That cold, cold indifference. The way Andrew looked at him, like he was ashamed to share a face with him.

“Look at me,” Aaron begged in the dream. “Can you see me? She’s going to kill me, Andrew. Don’t you see me?”

He’d scream it, over and over; save me, save me, please.  Screams never made past his lips. He would search those cold eyes, desperate for something, a flicker of recognition, of brotherhood, of love. But there was nothing. 

And sometimes, in those dreams, Aaron wondered if he was already dead. Just a silver flash of light, taking up all the space, just a ghost of a boy.

“How can you look at me,” he would ask the silence, “really look at me and not see me?”

The dreams always ended the same. With his eyes closing, whispering: This is it. She’s really going to kill me now. Oh God. 

She. Is. Going. To. Kill. Me.

Mom, please.

But “please” never echoed back.

He tried not to think about it anymore. Like the time Andrew had held a knife to his throat and made sure he understood that “please” would never mean anything again.

Didn’t matter what angle he took, the dream never changed. Sleep was too much of a comfort for someone like him anyway. He was used to the dark. To the quiet hum of night. It was also the only time he could sit in silence, staring at the wall, drifting in his mind without interruption.

Aaron sighed, jerking out of his thoughts. Retreating so far into his own mind never ended well for him. Looking down at the notes scattered around him, he realized he couldn’t even remember what he’d been studying, or how he got so lost in thought. He stood and made his way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

He really should quit those.

There’s only so much caffeine and so many energy drinks you can consume before it starts catching up to you. Yes, it enables focus, power, and alertness. But the heart, once steady like a lighthouse, grows erratic. The caffeine calls the adrenal glands to war, again and again, until they grow weary from sounding the alarm. He did study the effects in class. Headaches and anxiety become frequent companions. So really, Aaron should quit.

Soon. Just not today.

He sank onto the couch and packed up the notes, giving up on his failed attempt to study. He knew where he could go now, the only place that might calm his buzzing bones.

Back when things with Katelyn became rocky , his attention deficiency had flared up again. He couldn’t sit through his classes, and sleep became a chore. Aaron tried to seek comfort in old, poisonous ways, such as his old dorm. 

He remembered the last time he visited his brother’s dorm. After living at Matt’s for a whole semester, Aaron had grown estranged from the other dorm. Andrew didn’t come looking for him either. It was mutual. Andrew didn’t want anything to do with him, and Aaron didn’t go where he wasn’t wanted.

Knocking on a door at midnight is never a good sign. The paranoid occupants inside knew that well. That’s why back then Josten opened the door with caution, and when his eyes landed on Aaron, his expression turned sour.

“What do you want?”

Josten was never shy about expressing his deep dislike for Aaron. He was never shy about anything, really. He marched into people’s lives, lied, lied again, and kept lying. Dragging the mafia into their world and batting his blue eyes like he didn’t know what he’d done.

“Nothing from you,” Aaron replied curtly.

Josten didn’t move from the doorway, so Aaron brushed past him and stepped into the room.

Andrew was by the window, smoking. He looked up once, decided there was nothing worth seeing, and turned his gaze to the wall. Kevin was sprawled on the couch, half-asleep, an Exy game playing on the TV.

“Oh, hi, Aaron. Came to watch the game?” Kevin asked, his green eyes assessing him with mild curiosity, a hint of excitement in his voice—the kind he reserved for all things Exy related.

“Sure,” Aaron said.

In reality, he was there for the familiar, detached closeness of Andrew.
But he’d die before admitting that. Once the game started, Andrew and Josten retreated into the room and never came back out. Not until Aaron finally got the message and left.

It was fine.

He never went back to their dorm again.

So now, in the middle of the night, woken by yet another nightmare and a failed attempt to catch up on his studies, Aaron had only one choice left. The Foxhole Court.

Late-night Exy practices had started back in the summer. After the trials and endless nights in Colombia, Aaron had tagged along with the others for night sessions. It was a great distraction from everything.

So, after going back to Palmetto, the night practices continued. He couldn’t stomach being alone with both Josten and Kevin at the same time, with Andrew lurking about. So he went there alone.

The walk from campus wasn’t short, but tonight the silence stretched around him like a protective cloak. The air was thick and still. No sounds beyond the soft, rhythmic squeal of his Converse against the damp pavement.

When he arrived, the court came to life as the lights switched on. He changed quickly. He started with laps. Just running until his chest was hollow and aching. Then came the racquet work. The same drills. Over and over. Obsessively fixing the smallest things. Because if he could master this — just this one thing — maybe everything else wouldn’t feel so out of control.

***

After an hour, the door cracked open suddenly. Aaron paused, body tense, breath frozen.

Kevin. Of course.

He strode in like the floor belonged to him. No hesitation or sense of intrusion.

“What are you doing here?” Kevin asked. His voice sounded more demanding, rather than serious.

Aaron rolled his eyes. “I know you’re a little slow, Kevin. But I really didn’t expect you to ask such stupid questions.”

Kevin frowned, his green eyes squinting. “Don’t be a smartass.” 

“Too late.” Aaron tossed the racquet from one hand to the other. “What, lost your shadows? Did they let you out unsupervised?”

Kevin’s jaw twitched. “I can train alone.” Kevin spat out, agitated. His voice was a little raspy, like this was the first time he’d talked today. Which wasn’t true. All Kevin did the whole day was talk and talk and talk—mostly insults toward everybody else who didn’t meet his unbelievable standards that only he, himself, passed.
And if he wasn’t complaining about Exy, he was talking about Exy.
It was always about Exy.

Except in the summer, when Aaron couldn’t sleep and would sit blankly on the back porch, sometimes Kevin would join him and start talking about history. Which was, for the most part, definitely better than Exy. 

Aaron never asked why Kevin was keeping him company, and Kevin never asked if he was listening.

Those quiet nights were never acknowledged by either of them, and Aaron definitely wasn’t going to start acknowledging it now.

“Sure, you can,” Aaron mocked and picked up his racquet, ready to leave the court. He was a bit annoyed since he was nowhere near the exhaustion he usually left this place with. “Make sure to text them where you are, unless you want your protégé coming with the mafia on his heels.”

It was a weak comeback, but Aaron was sleepless, tired, and annoyed. Running on five cups of coffee. Sue him.

“Wait,” Kevin jogged up to him. “Stay. We can practice together. I can actually teach you how to hold your racquet correctly.”

If Kevin Day had anything, it was fucking audacity .

“Fuck you.”

Kevin tilted his head. “Aww. Did I bruise your fragile feelings?”

“If you open your mouth one more time—”

“I’m just saying, if you’re going to waste time here, might as well learn something. Unless you like embarrassing yourself.”

“I fucking hate you,” Aaron said, with enough venom to poison a lake.

He took a step, ready to go, but hesitated. He wasn’t done. Not yet. And Kevin, for all his noise and arrogance, didn’t believe in silence. Maybe that’s what Aaron needed. Something unyielding. Loud enough to drown himself in.

Kevin watched him closely. “So. You staying?”

Aaron hissed through his teeth. “Fine. But one more word—”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kevin waved a hand. “Terrifying threat from a man the size of a medium pizza.”

Aaron groaned. “Shut the fuck up.”

Unsurprisingly to literally every single fucking person on the planet, Kevin did not shut the fuck up.

No, he wouldn’t recognize what shutting up meant even if it smacked him in the face. He kept talking, complaining, demanding, and snarling. He just kept fucking talking .

By the time Aaron could almost counter him, he wanted to strangle him just for being so fucking loud. Just once, fingers around his neck, veins popping, pressure building until—

But, because he was such a great person, Aaron let Kevin breathe.
At least for now.

His hands ached from holding the racquet too long. His muscles were burning. His brain was quiet.
Only Kevin kept talking.

“And of course, if you were actually to pay attention at practice, you’d notice everyone’s moves before they storm past you,” Kevin carried on, not bothering to look at Aaron.

Aaron headed to the changing room, tuning out Kevin’s blabbering.
He showered and changed quickly, feeling Kevin’s presence here and there.
When he was ready, Kevin stood up from the bench he’d been occupying in the changing room, his bag already on his shoulder. Because he showered super quickly like a fucking psycho.

“I’ll text Andrew to pick us up,” Kevin said.

Aaron bristled. “I can walk.”He wasn’t really feeling like facing his brother today, or any other day, to be honest.

He wondered if Kevin had texted Andrew about Aaron being here. His brother might ask him questions. Most probably not. Andrew never cared about Aaron outside his physical well-being, and that was only because of the stupid deal.

Yes, Andrew killed their mother to get rid of someone who hurt Aaron. And then he doubled down and hurt him twice as much by not giving a single fuck. Now that the deal was over, he didn’t even glance Aaron’s way.

Spiteful bastard.

“You can barely keep your eyes open, dumbass. You’ll probably fall asleep in the middle of the way,” Kevin laughed humorlessly. 

Aaron snorted bitterly. “If only it were that easy.”  He walked outside. The night air clung to him and made him shiver. He should’ve brought a jacket.

“You’re not sleeping?”

Aaron glanced at Kevin, caught off guard. Kevin didn’t ask things. He informed . This was new. Why did Kevin care if he slept or not? It’s not like he ever gave a fuck before, when Aaron was roaming around like a ghost.

“You can’t be a zombie on game days. You’ll ruin everything.”

What a fucking asshole.

“Leave me alone, Kevin. You are such a piece of shit.” Aaron glared and started walking. “As if you’re not out here in the middle of the night yourself.” He turned to face Kevin. The queen tattoo was glowing, reflecting the streetlights. “Did you even sleep today?” Aaron demanded.

Kevin was the biggest fucking hypocrite around. Aaron had noticed his sleeping arrangements in Colombia. He was the second-biggest insomniac Aaron knew. Just spending his nights watching Exy games on the muted TV or reading books with his black glasses on.

Those glasses actually did look decent on him. The first time Aaron noticed, he was caught off guard. He stared so long that Kevin turned around to ask what he was staring at. “Your fucking face,” Aaron had snapped.

Kevin’s glasses weren’t ugly, and really, nothing about him was. Which made him all the more infuriating.

Everyone knew Kevin Day was hot. With his stupid height and his stupid green eyes and that disgusting media smile. Lean body which flexed when he yawned or stretched and—No. Fuck that. He was not going to join the club of Kevin Day fanatics.

“I sleep enough,” Kevin replied matter-of-factly. “I could play Exy in my sleep.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Go fuck yourself.”

He started walking again. Kevin lingered for a second, but then followed, like a shadow in denial.

“I could use a walk anyway,” he muttered, like he needed to justify being beside Aaron.

“Text Andrew,” Aaron said. “I don’t want him coming at me with a knife.”

Kevin laughed. “Andrew would never hurt you.”

Aaron looked up at him. Did Kevin really believe that? That Andrew wouldn’t hurt Aaron for the sake of Kevin? His paranoid brother would do anything to keep his deal with Kevin clean. 

“Trust me, your bodyguard wouldn’t even blink an eye before chopping my fingers off for hurting his precious child,” Aaron said, animated. Just thinking about Kevin standing behind Andrew, pointing fingers at Aaron, and Andrew coming at him in defense was actually a really funny scenario.

“I’m not a child,” Kevin replied angrily. “And besides, Andrew would kill me before he raised a finger at you.”

Aaron barked a laugh. “Sure. Let’s test that theory sometime.”

Kevin looked like he wanted to protest, but thought better of it. They fell into silence while walking to campus. Kevin’s presence was not awful. Not tonight. He was quieter now, which made it easier to share the sidewalk with him. Like he’d used up all his noise. Just looking ahead and sometimes stealing glances at Aaron. As if Aaron couldn’t see from the corner of his eye.

“Guess I’ll see you at practice in the morning,” Kevin said when they were out of the elevator and on their floor. He went to his dorm door but hesitated before opening it. Aaron was watching carefully, trying to assess what Kevin was trying to say.

“You can try chamomile tea. It doesn’t work for me, but I read that it helps a lot of people when they can’t sleep,” he said carefully. He was afraid to see Aaron’s reaction to his suggestion.

Aaron wanted to reply that he’d tried every single method his medical textbooks suggested. Everything that could’ve helped. But his nightmares didn’t care about tea or warm baths or breathing exercises. They were keeping him company.  Never leaving him alone.

In the end, he remained silent. Opened his dorm room and left Kevin hovering in the hallway without a word. It was, somehow, one of the nicer nights he'd had in a while.

 

*** 

 

Before morning practice started, Matt found Aaron at the dorm and forced him into playing video games. Aaron had a controller in his hand, ready to destroy Matt’s character. After all, video games were his specialty.

“Stop cheating, you little piece of shit,” Matt whined.

“With your poor finger work, Matt, gotta say, I pity Dan,” Aaron said, grin planted on his face.

Another hit, and Matt’s character was knocked out. Aaron won yet another round.

Matt was the easiest person to get along with. He was like a big teddy bear, always pestering Aaron for movie nights and forcing him to eat his shit-tasting pancakes.

They were actually really delicious—but Aaron loved teasing him.

Matt was also the only person in this building who really understood Aaron. They would sit and talk about their addiction for hours, and it felt good. Really good. Someone finally knew what it felt like to miss the highs. He was also the only person Aaron told about the breakup. Matt had tried to come up with a plan to help Aaron win Katelyn back, but once he noticed Aaron didn’t want that, he just stayed quiet and supportive.

“It’ll all work out well for you,” Matt had said. “You’re actually cool.”

Aaron didn’t believe that, but Matt said it with so much certainty, he didn’t correct him.

“Face your defeat, Matt. You gotta drive me around today,” Aaron said, raising his eyebrows.

“When am I not?” Matt smiled his soft smile, stretched his arms with a loud groan, and got off the couch. “In fact, we have to leave now to get to practice on time.”

Aaron wasn’t dreading it. He’d slept a full three hours before Matt knocked on his door. He’d just won every round and was full of chocolate pancakes. Practice would probably do him good.

“Let me grab my stuff and wake Nicky.”

Aaron walked over to Nicky’s door and knocked.

“Come in,” Nicky yelled from the other side. Aaron poked his head inside.

“Matt and I are heading to practice. Wanna come with us?” he asked.

Nicky was already dressed—jeans, a crop top with a jacket, and red Converse. He was holding his phone, clearly on a call with his fiancée.

“No, I’m catching a ride with Andrew,” Nicky said with an apologetic look. “You sure you don’t wanna come with?”

“Nah, I’m good with Matt,” Aaron answered. “See you.”

When they arrived at practice, the first thing they heard was angry Kevin yelling at a freshman. Aaron really hated hearing Kevin bitch and moan—but he hated freshmen even more, so he just rolled his eyes and headed toward the changing rooms.

His brother’s bored eyes found him quickly. Andrew was sitting on the bench, probably waiting for Neil. His gaze flicked to Aaron.

“A little birdie told me you were out and about last night.” Andrew’s apathetic voice was so strange to hear after weeks of silence.

“Teach your birdie a tale about a long tongue,” Aaron mused, starting to change.

“Riddles need a brain to digest.”

“Mm, you would know, seeing you can never travel your point across the room,” Aaron said, already tired. He didn’t want to do this.

“Your low IQ is starting to catch up.”

“Better not bother then,” Aaron said, grabbing his things to leave for the court.

“I do not bother,” Andrew said, bored as ever.

“Clear as day.” With another sigh, Aaron walked out of the changing room.

Talking to Andrew, never mind the topic, always seemed to drain him of everything. His 3-hour sleep energy suddenly seemed to deflate. 

He sighed again. It was going to be a long day.

Notes:

This chapter is lowkey all over the place
anyways, props on y'all for going through it <333

Chapter 3: Chapter 2

Notes:

The songs of the chapter are:
So Cold - breaking benjamin
BRUTUS by Buttress;
Let Down - Radiohead.

If you find your family, don't you cry
In this land of make believe, dead and dry
You're so cold but you feel alive
Lay your hands on me one last time

**

A few months ago, when it was still warm and the sun sat high in the faded blue sky — when there was still a flickering hope roaming through Aaron’s body — he would subject himself to his twin’s judging silence and averted gaze. He would sit in Betsy’s office, with a cold, untouched chocolate mug in front of him, and Andrew on the other side. 

Betsy would talk and talk, with her gentle looks, small smiles, and pleasant conversations. She would try to lull the brothers in. Try to dig and dig and dig to find what she could find. Aaron would sit and breathe. As she often reminded him to do. When the words would not come off his lips. When he would choke and choke on the sharpness of it all. 

Andrew, back then, had been just as distant as ever. He would sit still, and sometimes, he would sip the chocolate. Other times, he would entertain himself by poking and poking at Aaron’s wounds. Soon, he would get bored. This is boring he would say. He is haunted by the ghost of dear Mother. He would say. 

Aaron wanted to scream, or crawl back into his skin and never come out. Aaron wanted to be cruel and give back just as much as he was getting. Forever pushing and pulling. 

Aren’t you? He wanted to ask. Aren’t you still thinking about it all? 

Then he wanted to throw up. Disgusted with himself. Disgusted with the rawness of it all. 

After Thanksgiving, Andrew was a muted thing. He was quiet, withdrawn, and unforgiving. In the moment of weakness of it all, he showed the greatest strength, and Aaron would forever look up to him because he could never look him in the eye. Not when the other was unwilling to do so.  

There was something about Andrew, the constant storm stirring deep inside him. His mind, the gutter, and the chamber of best and the worst, and Aaron knew. He was the boy who had been through hell and back. Still to this day, it hurt Aaron deep in his core. The unthinkable that was Andrew’s past.

He was glad his brother was alive, well, and had the only thing in the world that brought him calmness and softened the sharp edges. Even if that thing was in the name of a redhead liar. 

His twin’s phenomenon was not easy to disentangle. He was chaotic and calm. 

He was everything Aaron ever wanted to be. 

Aaron never claimed he was not a selfish person. In that selfishness, he often found himself angry and resentful for the ostracization. 

You put conditions on the relationship we could have had. He would think but never say. Andrew would look at him. All I ever wanted was to be your brother, and all you ever insist on is that you never want anything.

The silence in these sessions was getting overbearing. Constantly thinking of what he wanted to say, to show, but never mastered the courage to do anything. 

Before all the secrets unraveled, Aaron thought it was Andrew who wasted the brotherhood they could have had. Now, he knew better. Did it remind you of them when she hit me? He wanted to ask. He wanted to crumble, die, and cry. Maybe beg, forgive me, brother, for I’ve been so blind. But he never opened his mouth.

You don’t like to bring attention to your perspective on things, Aaron. Betsy said once. Andrew’s corners lifted with a cruel smile that did not reach his eyes. He knew that selfishness was eating Aaron’s flesh. Knew that it was crawling on his skin, poisoning his mind. Andrew could always call his bluff. 

It did not surprise him when the sessions ended just as suddenly as they started. Maybe Andrew grew bored of Aaron’s quiet guilt and resentment.

Maybe he grew weary of the possibility of Aaron opening up. 

 

* * * 

Winter was dry so far. Aaron could feel the chill in his bones as he made his way to the dorms. The library closed at 11, so he packed up his textbooks and headed to the dorm. Exhausted, but restless, his body buzzed with pent-up energy. Maybe he could go to the court early today. 

“Aaron!” he heard his name being called and turned. It was Kevin. Freakishly tall next to the other students. Coming to Aaron with a fast pace. His hair was ruffled. “Going to dorms?” He asked as he stopped next to him. 

“Yes. What are you doing here?” Aaron did not mean the bite in his voice and grimaced.

Kevin shrugged. “Midterms are for everyone, no?” 

“I guess,” they continued walking side by side. 

“Are you going to come to practice tonight?” Kevin’s cheeks were getting red from the cold. 

Aaron paused. “Are you not practicing with Neil?” 

Kevin scowled. “No, the idiot decided now was the best time to catch up with the whole semester. No Exy for Andrew and Neil for a week.” 

“As if the little maniac can stay away that long,” Aaron commented. Which was a fact known to everyone who had spent at least five minutes with the redhead. 

“I guess Andrew has a point when he calls Neil a junkie,” Kevin said as he placed his hands in his jacket pockets. Cold was never kind to his hands. 

“That’s fucking disgusting.” Aaron fake gagged. “I don’t need to know their awful pet names.” 

When Aaron glanced up at Kevin, he was watching. Brows furrowed and lips biting. He was staring, assessing, like he did when he focused on Exy games. All attention and alertness. Is he afraid of me? Aaron thought. Does he think I will endanger them? 

He did kill a person to be fair. He knew some people on campus avoided him. Turned and murmured when he walked by. He knew most of his so-called friends from the classes had stopped talking to him for the very same reason. Not that he did care. He would swing that racquet a hundred more times if he could. He would kill every single one of the people who hurt his twin. 

People on campus did not know better, but Kevin was different. Was he scared, despite knowing the deepest and darkest secrets of the whole reveal?

“What?” Aaron demanded harshly. He was getting agitated. 

Kevin strode ahead, putting four long steps between them. “Nothing.” His voice was annoyed. 

“Fuck off.” Aaron marched up to him. Fuck Kevin Day and fuck his long legs. “What is it?” Aaron tried not to show desperation in his voice. 

Do you think I’m a monster, too? He wanted to ask. 

“Fucking drop it, Aaron.” Kevin rolled his eyes. “I’m in no mood to argue with you.” He added quietly. 

Aaron did not drop it. “What would we be arguing about?” 

“All you do is argue with me, over any fucking thing.” Kevin continued without looking at Aaron. 

“Oh, that’s rich, coming from you!” Aaron continued walking to Kevin at a fast pace. “You literally bite my head over any little mistake. You judge my meal intake, you judge my sleeping arrangements, you judge my every fucking move, and I am the one arguing?” 

Kevin stopped and turned sideways to look at Aaron. “It’s different when it’s Exy!” he hissed through his teeth. Face angry and agitated. “I comment on your play because I want you to be better, and the team to be better, and if everyone got their shit together, we could win Championships!” 

“Oh, you are the last person to talk about getting their shit together. You ?” Aaron pointed his finger at Kevin's chest. “You can not even go a full day without drinking, and you are physically unable to be alone for a few hours without having a proper breakdown.” 

Kevin’s face changed in an instant. His angry, annoyed expression closed off in a second. Eyes going dark, lips straight line. 

“Right, because you are such a collected person,” Kevin mocked. “Aaron Minyard lecturing other people about breakdowns. I drink sometimes, but even I would never fall as low as you.” 

Something was burning inside Aaron. Something he could not name. Fuck this shit. He wanted to go home; he wanted to shake Kevin and ask him what that was earlier. Are you scared? Just tell me. He wanted to scream, he wanted to punch his face and make him bleed and make him cry and beg, and he wanted to disappear. 

“You are already there. Only, you are the only one who does not realize that, and others don’t give enough fuck to tell you.” Aaron felt the cruelty of his words. 

The wind was getting stronger, and it looked like the sky was about to fall on them. Kevin stood in silence. Expression unreadable unless you were agile enough to look in the greens of his eyes, and read the thoughts and feelings fighting each other. 

Aaron realized at that moment, Kevin was not present. He was not on the street with Aaron. Maybe he was back years ago in Castle Evermore. 

He was with another short boy. A boy full of cruel words and a cruel smile. Unnerving the scared and young Kevin. Maybe saying We’re brothers now, Kevin. No one will love you as much as I do. Then breaking his hand. Crushing him with the heavy racquet. Shattering not only his arm but also him to bits. 

Pieces that were still trying to build themselves back. A gentle, slow, and delicate thing that was still occurring. Kevin is trying to assemble himself back from the abuse and oppression of his young years. 

Aaron wanted to cry. Am I just like him? He wanted to ask. “Let’s go.” He said instead. Kevin crashed back to himself. It was a noticeable change. Eyes coming back to the present, and mouth turning downwards. 

Without a word, they started walking again. Kevin was visibly shaken, and Aaron wanted to guide him out of his shell. How do you come back from that? Aaron wanted Kevin to bite back. Maybe hit. Maybe intimidate. Maybe curse him. 

Kevin did neither. He kept walking in silence. They went to the dorms without a glance of acknowledgment. 

That night, Aaron trained almost until it was time for the actual practice. Kevin never did come. 

 

* * * 

It was getting dark. Aaron was hunched over his anatomy textbook when Nicky came into his room. 

Cheerful as always, Nicky started pondering him with useless topics. Jumping from sentence to sentence until Aaron finally had enough. “What do you want, Nicky?”

Nicky smiled awkwardly. “How can everyone always tell when I’m brushing around the topic?” He whined. “It’s so unfair that I have no poker face”.

“I think that’s good, Nicky,” Aaron said thoughtfully. “You being transparent with your emotions makes it easier to trust you.” 

“Aw, you are too sweet for your own good,” Nicky said. 

Aaron huffed, disbelieving. “So, lay it on me.”

Grimacing, Nicky said. “Andrew wanted to know if you are coming to Columbia this weekend at least.” 

“You know that is not true,” Aaron said shortly. “You were the one who wanted to know if I wanted to come, so you can ask him if I can come. Am I wrong?”

Nicky smiled sadly. So sadly, he suddenly looked older, weighted down with the burden of two troubled kids. “No, baby, that is not true.” 

Aaron furrowed his brows. “He asked?” 

“I mean, no.” Nicky put his hair behind his ear. “But he hinted at it. He said we have to go grocery shopping because there were no more Monsters at home.” 

Aaron was the only one who drank Monsters. 

He felt a whiplash of emotions. “I don’t know if I can come, anyway. I have to study for midterms,” he said instead of focusing on his racing heart. 

“You could always just study there,” Nicky suggested. Aaron shrugged and tried to focus back on his book. “No, nope! None of that right now, Aaron!” Nicky said and pulled Aaron to get up. “You’ve been in your room for hours. Your brain will bleed if you study any more.” 

“I have midterms, Nicky, you know I need to study.” Aaron keened. 

“You can have a short break,” Nicky said, not taking his bullshit. “Besides, I miss playing with you. Aaron, you have no idea how awful opponent Matt is,” Nicky fake sobbed. 

“You always lose against him,” Aaron reasoned. Smiling at his cousin's dramatics. 

“Well, it’s because I’m getting distracted by his biceps tensing. Have you seen that man?” 

“Nicky, don’t be gross,” Aaron whined. “He has a girlfriend!” 

“Well, one can appreciate beauty.” Nicky threw his hands in the air. 

Aaron got up. His muscles ached from practice. Kevin was extremely demanding that day. Dan had to physically remove him from the court, and Wymack assigned him to tape-watching duty.

They went out to the living room and settled on the couch. Playing with Nicky was fun, and it released some tension clenching in Aaron. He did not have the energy to think about anything. Focused on the game. 

“You know, sometimes I get that feeling too,” Nicky said suddenly, eyes still glued to the characters of the game. “Erik is so far away, and when I’m having a bad day, it’s hard to remember that he loves me–or that I love him, so, so much. Aaron, you have no idea.” He talked softly and quietly. So unlike Nicky, Aaron did a double-take. “But, I trust him. I trust that no matter what happens, how bad the fight will be, or how long we won’t talk or see each other, we will always find our way back. Because that’s what happens when you love someone.”

Aaron continued playing. Not daring to disturb the silence. Nicky signed and continued. “I think, if you guys give it time, you will eventually find your way to each other.”

Aaron inhaled sharply. “You really think so?” He pressed the pause button on the game. “I mean, we even tried a fucking therapy, and it did not work.” He whispered. 

“Yes, baby, I think so.” Nicky gave him a gentle look. “You both care so deeply, there is no other possible outcome.” 

Something inside Aaron broke and healed at the same time. He averted his gaze and resumed the game. Without further talk, they continued playing until Nicky retreated back to his room, in favor of sleeping. 

Aaron stayed on the couch for a long time. Thinking about all and none. Silence surrounding him, like a comfort blanket. 

That night, when sleep finally took him, he dreamt of swinging his racquet.

Only it wasn’t Drake this time.

It was Kevin.

Over and over and over.

Notes:

hope you liked it <3

Chapter 4: Chapter 3

Notes:

Song of the chapter:
Back to the old house - The Smiths;

I would rather not go
Back to the old house
There's too many bad memories
Too many memories

 

*** 

Opening up was a hard thing to do with memories like his. Aaron wanted to, sometimes. With Katelyn, he wished to be bare, completely exposed with all his past, and say, Look at me. Still like me now?  

He never wanted to be approved more than he did with Katelyn. She was fierce and gentle. She liked to make him laugh. Aaron liked to tease out the loveliest sight of a flush on her cheeks. 

I sometimes can’t close the bathroom door. He warned once when he was staying over at her place. Oh, Aaron . She said, So sad and angry on his behalf. 

You could have died. She would whisper, afterwards, of grasping bits and pieces of the stories from his youthful years. He would never have let it come to that. Aaron would soothe. That does not make it better, sweetheart. Her eyes, so blue and beautiful. Her touch, comforting and reassuring. I know. 

Conversations would start and end shortly. “What was she like?” Kate would ask. After they were a tangled mess on the sheets. Euphoric feelings calming down. 

“I don’t remember much,” He would say instead of saying Sometimes, she was sweet, and sometimes she would frighten me. I used to hide under my bed. She would hum at his answer. Not daring to push more than necessary. 

“I had a friend. Her name was Alice. We were close until we were not.” She would get a longing look in her eyes. So full of remembering and sadness. “Did you have many friends growing up?” She would ask to switch from her memories. 

He would think of long, lonely days when he would roam the streets to get away from home. He would think of school hallways, walking around unnoticeable, and he would think of boring lunch breaks, where he would stroll outside, knocking off rolls of dirt for something, anything to do. “I got by,” he would say instead. 

She would look, and look, and look. Her face would alter with the need to question and talk, and he would look away. Guilt rising in his throat. 

Opening up was not easy with memories like his. 

 

*** 

Midterms came with chaos and long days of studying. And it went with a quiet buzz and the aftermath of countless missed hours of sleep. 

Aaron looked in the mirror after practice. Skin still hot and aching from long hours of drills. His bones throbbed with protest, unwilling to support the tired body. 

Neil and Kevin, overjoyed with the fact that no one had further engagement and could fully throw themselves into practice, pushed and pushed and smiled. Got highs from plays. More with each other than with others. 

They demanded and required and did not let up until Wymack called them off to go fuck themselves somewhere else.  

Aaron wanted to stop, even in the beginning. I can’t do it. He wanted to protest. But he did not say anything. He obliged and pressed and ignored Nicky’s concerned stares when he stumbled a few times. Then Matt changed him. He was so ready to hit the benches and just let his body rest. He was already thinking about falling into his bed, willing to risk the nightmares just to get a couple of hours of sleep.

Heading out of the shower, Aaron quickly changed. He usually walked back to campus or went with Matt. Tonight, he wanted to do neither. He could not bear to be cramped in Matt’s truck with Renee, Allison, and Dan. With their awkward stares and small talk. 

“You okay?” Nicky came to stand beside him. A gentle smile on his face. His hair was wet and curling around his neck.

Aaron nodded. He quickly packed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. 

“Wait,” Nicky stopped him and smiled. “Why don’t you come with us?” He suggested softly. 

“I’m okay, Nicky. Really.” Aaron reassured. 

“I know, but I want you to come anyway. I’m probably gonna crash the minute I get to the dorms, and we have not been spending time together as much.” He threw his hands around animatedly. “Can you believe these guys? The moment we get to rest from schoolwork, they decide to overload us with practice. Honestly!” 

Aaron could not help but agree. “That’s what you get, I guess.” 

Nicky made a move to pick up his bag. “Come with?” He pleaded. 

“That's okay?” Aaron asked to make sure. He had not been in his twin’s car in months. He was unsure if he was still welcome there. Maybe Andrew would not even let him in the car. Aaron never knew what his twin might do. 

“Sure, Aaron!” Aaron nodded, and Nicky smiled so brightly that his eyes crinkled. “Let’s go!” 

Aaron awkwardly paced next to Nicky. Head full of upcoming scenes. What will happen? Will he kick me out? Will he accept me in the car? Will he say something? Will he ignore me?

The most probable outcome was the latest, and Aaron was not disappointed. When they got to the Maserati, Andrew was leaning against it, smoking. He did not move his stare as they made their way. Looking at Aaron as if daring him to do something . What he could do, Aaron did not know. 

They were twins separated at birth and had never been in sync. They would match sometimes- say the exact same thing, mirror each other’s expressions, or go for the coffee mug at the exact same time. But never in sync. One burning with the desire to align, and one having no desire at all. 

So, in reality, Aaron has never been able to guess his brother’s moves or thoughts. Have you? He wanted to ask Andrew. It was pointless. His brother could read him like an open book. While Aaron struggled to touch the cover of Andrew’s book, his brother finished reading him the moment they met. No , the moment he received the letter from Aaron. 

Smoke curled around Andrew when he stubbed the cigarette butt on the ground and slid into the driver's seat without a word. Nicky comforted Aaron with a back pat and went in the car as well, intensely watching Aaron to make sure he would not run off. Oh, and what a tempting thought that was. 

In the end, Aaron got into the car. They waited silently, and Neil and Kevin came out. Neil settled next to Andrew, with a suspicious glance at Aaron. Kevin... Well, Kevin looked frozen for a couple of seconds. Mouth parting slightly and brows furrowing. He returned to himself quite quickly, the thud of the door the only noise he made.

Aaron was squeezed between Nicky and Kevin. It was such a strange ride after months of absence. His legs were nervously bouncing. Nicky put a hand on his knee to soothe him .  

During the whole ride, Kevin did not even say a single word. Aaron did not know why he was the only one who noticed it. Maybe times have changed, but back then, Kevin would not shut up on the car ride after the practice. Talking about drills, and this and that . Always Exy. The little liar would rile him up on purpose by pointing out the mistakes during the practice, and he would get so physical when talking that Aaron would half sit on Nicky’s lap to avoid being crushed by him. 

Now, there was dead silence. Aaron found it unsettling. He wanted Nicky to start talking, so Kevin could follow along, but none of the people in the car dared to disturb the stormy silence for the entire car ride. 

Aaron should have just walked

 

***  

Friday was coming to life slowly. Aaron sat outside in the parking lot, staring at a quiet, dead street. The chill was running through his pajama pants and old hoodie. He couldn’t sleep, and there were no exams left to throw himself into, so he sat outside, killing time by daring himself to freeze to death.

In a couple of hours, he would have to pack up and go to Columbia with others. His nerves jittered. Last time he was in there, he was alone. Hitchhiking with Matt. He walked into an empty house, put himself in his bed, and went dead asleep for 16 hours straight. That was two or so months ago. When he woke up, the house was full. Nicky was making pancakes while humming. “ We came to get you, baby,” Nicky said gently. “ You hate being here alone. Why did you come?” But Aaron just wanted to sleep, and it did not matter where he slept. 

He went out to the back porch for the rest of the day and stared aimlessly until Nicky called him to go. That was that. 

He did wish he could sleep this time around, too. Sometimes, Columbia was his biggest fear, and sometimes, it was the only familiar home he’s ever had. Welcome home, boys! Nicky had said when they moved in, looking hopeful and young. Still getting to know the cousin he did not know existed, and was trying to melt the awkwardness with Aaron, whom he had not seen for years. 

But sometimes, Columbia was a nightmare. Nightmare where he would wake up to check the door. Don’t be locked. He would mutter. Sometimes, he dreamed of himself, in a small bathroom, lying in his vomit and crying and begging to just let me out, I won’t do it again. Andrew. And sometimes he never really made it out of that bathroom. Still locked, his high crashing all over his body and his throat, itchy from all the crying, and his hands, bloody from trying to open the door, and why won’t you just let me out .

Columbia weekend seemed like a bad choice. Not that Aaron really did have one. The choice. Nicky could bat his pretty eyes and smile at him gently, and Aaron was a weak man. Still feeling guilty of stealing Nicky’s life from him was always the deciding factor in the end. He could do anything his cousin asked. 

 

*** 

Matt was freshly showered. In his comfy clothes sprawled on the couch and smiled softly. Aaron was sometimes caught off guard by how handsome Matt was. With his locks and honey eyes and kind, kind smile. 

“You can call me anytime,” Matt said seriously when Aaron said he was heading out with others. “I’m probably gonna be hanging with Dan. No previous engagement.” 

And, oh, did Aaron appreciate this boy. The boy whom he enabled to be drugged. The guilt had never really settled in his body. Matt, ever the martyr, never really held it against him. And he said At least I got to go to rehab, man. Not everyone is given that choice, and Aaron felt the flush rising in his cheeks and looked away. 

“Sure, Matthew,” Aaron rolled his eyes. Playfully, Matt smiled. He said he really liked it when Aaron was annoyed. It made him look like a Russian doll with red cheeks and furrowed brows. “Oh my god, shut up!” Aaron grumbled. 

Matt laughed, wetly. “Did not even say anything!” 

 

*** 

After a very painfully awkward car ride, Aaron quickly retreated to his room for the day. He left the others in the living room. Nicky was the only one who acknowledged him on the way. 

“You going?” he asked and quickly glanced his way before turning to the cooking show others were watching. 

“I’m gonna sleep,” Aaron replied. Nicky raised an eyebrow. It was still midday.

He wanted to get ready for bed and sleep. He quickly changed into his pajama set and headed to the bathroom. It was a quick afair. He had just finished brushing his teeth when the lights suddenly went out.

Aaron flinched violently. His whole body jerking backwards. His thoughts started racing, and his heartbeat quickly turned frantic. It’s probably just a stupid lightbulb. If he could walk to the door right about now, it won’t be locked. He should just take 2 steps forward, open the door, and he will be out. The door won’t be locked. 

Standing very, very still, Aaron clenched his shaking hands. His mind was not willing to take a step. Stuck in total darkness and total fear. Was there light last time? He desperately tried to remember. There was no recalling of that awful time. All he remembered were the words he would puke and the blood covering his hands as he desperately tried to take down the whole door. He remembers waking up in his own vomit, hawling as his body desperately tried to get clean of the contents in his stomach. He remembers tears, and very long, long hours of begging. Fuck, he can’t remember. Was there a light? 

After minutes or hours, Aaron was not sure, the lights turned back on, and the door opened to Josten, who made a surprised gasp. 

“Why the fuck are you standing in the dark bathroom alone, you psychopath?” He asked viciously. 

Aaron tried to open his mouth to answer something, more likely a curse word directed at the annoying redhead. He tried to move and storm past him. Now that he saw the door was wide open and it was not locked, but he could just stand and stare and shake and shake.

“Aaron?” Neil paused. Assessing his face. He must have seen something because he went out, and seconds later, he was back with worried Nicky and Andrew on his heels. 

“Aaron,” Nicky soothed gently, “Are you okay?” Aaron stared at Nicky. A gasp tears out of him, half-sob, half-breath. It’s open. He tries to convince himself. He should take a step forward.

Nicky tried to move forward to him, but Andrew was quicker. He grabbed Aaron’s neck and looked him in the eyes. Same eyes. “Breathe,” He commanded. His grip digging, thumb pressed under his jaw. Aaron blinked once. “I’m not interested in your mental breakdown.” Andrew continued sternly.

Aaron’s vision swam. He wants to say Don’t touch me. He could not open his mouth.

“What the fuck, Andrew?” That was Kevin. When did Kevin get there? Aaron wanted to look at Kevin, but his eyes were locked on Andrew. The grip on his neck was painful, and he wanted out. “Let him go. He does not need you pushing him right now. Look at him - He’s not okay!”

Out of this bathroom, out of his brother’s claws. 

“Andrew, come on,” That was Nicky now. Slowly moving to their vision not to tick Andrew. His hands held in front of him. “Let him go, I’ll take care of him.” 

“You’ve been doing a shit job of that lately, noticed?” Andrew asked. Eyes still locked on his twin. Nicky softly hummed. Nodding. 

“I know.” He came to stand next to Aaron. “Just give him to me now.” Andrew slowly looked his way. Calculating something. Aaron could not really hear the rest of the conversation behind his thoughts. Once he was free of his twin’s gaze, his eyes found Kevin. 

Kevin was standing next to the door. His face was scrunched in a frown. Eyes tense and locked on Aaron. 

Somehow, the grip on his neck loosened, and he was in his cousin’s arms in seconds. “Let’s go,” Nicky murmured. 

Aaron was led up the stairs and into his rooms. In seconds, he was in bed, and covers were thrown over him. He felt Nicky lie down next to him. “What happened, baby?” 

Aaron snuggled closer to Nicky. His warmth spreading over. “The light went out,” He answered. 

“Oh, Aaron,” Nicky said. “Sleep now, okay?” Aaron nodded. He was exhausted and drained of every possible emotion. “I’ll be here,” Nicky softly played with Aaron's hair. 

They opened the door, but part of Aaron would always be stuck there.
He buried his face in Nicky’s shoulder and fell into darkness.

*** 

Aaron woke up gasping. The nightmare lost in seconds. He was glad not to remember. 

Nicky was no longer by his side, and the bed was cold. Disoriented, he reached for his phone to get the time. 03:29 am. He slept for a solid 7 hours. There was an unanswered text from Matt asking how the weekend was going. Aaron quickly replied and stumbled out of bed. 

He padded down to hallway. The house was quiet. He guessed everyone was sleeping. The couch was empty. No sign of Kevin. He went to the kitchen and boiled water. When the tea was done, he went out to the back porch and sat down on the staircase next to Kevin. 

If Kevin was surprised, he did not make a show of it. Aaron offered a mug. Piece offering.  

“Can’t sleep?” Aaron asked. His voice sounded weird to his ears. 

Kevin took the mug and looked at Aaron. He shook his head and looked away. We’re doing this the hard way, then. Aaron thought. 

“I just wanted to say,” Aaron started and paused, trying to find the right words. Hating this whole situation. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said all those things. I was stressed and angry, and I took it all out on you.” 

Kevin stilled. He probably was not expecting Aaron to apologize. Aaron did not blame him. “It’s okay, I guess.” He shrugged. “I already knew you were an asshole when I started talking to you, so I had it coming.” 

Aaron felt the blow in his stomach. He quickly got up. Hurt and confused. Asshole? He was trying to apologize, but what good did come out of it? 

“No, wait.” Kevin grabbed his arm when he tried to go back inside. “Come on.” He led him back to the porch. Aaron sat back down. “I did not mean it as an insult,” Kevin explained. “I just mean, I already know you are not very careful with your words, so it was nothing shocking.” He looked away. “To be expected, really.” 

Aaron was stunned. “Are you trying to pick a fight?” He asked in a rush. Because he might as well head back in and try to sleep some more. Or study. Or do anything more valuable with his time. He was tired of fighting. Don’t be such an asshole, Kevin. He begged in his mind. 

“No.” When Kevin shook his head, his tattoo glowed under the back porch light. “I think we did that already. Quite nasty too.” He took a sip of his tea. Dark and hot. Just how he liked it. Satisfied, he turned back to Aaron. “I’m sorry too. I should not have said what I did.” 

Stunned silence stretched. Aaron was desperately trying to hold his lips close, to not ask what he was dying to hear. Did you think I would harm my brother? Or are you scared of me? 

He looked out and stared into the night. Quiet and calm. Sipping his tea. “So, what was it yesterday?” Kevin suddenly asked. 

“I think you can recognize the panic attack, Kevin,” Aaron said. Not really in the mood for this conversation. 

It was still strange to him. He suddenly felt so stuck in one place and could not control his own body. It was so easy to just take a step and open the door, and go out. The stupid mind had to keep him rooted in one place. One place he hated the most. 

“Why would you think that?” Kevin asks. His voice was empty of venom. 

“Since you have them so fucking often. Jesus, Kevin.” Aaron huffed. He really did not want to have this conversation right now. 

Kevin considered him for a moment. “I hate when that happens.” He said quietly. So quiet, he would not even be heard if the words were not whispered in the dead of night. “It’s like I lose control of everything. That’s what he always wanted, too. To control me.”

The wind outside got stronger, and both of them shivered at the same time. Aaron hugged his hoodie sleeves. Kevin took another sip of his tea. 

“I get that,” Aaron said. Kevin slightly shifted to look at him. “Losing control over your body is the worst.” 

“Dad.. Coach said that I should give Betsy another chance.” Aaron grimaced. He was never a fan of her. “But, I don’t think I can do that. Talk to her about everything,” he explained. “I don’t think she’ll understand.” 

Kevin’s fingers tightened around the mug. Aaron felt the words claw at his throat. I understand. He wanted to say. I have never told anyone about it either. They make her out to be a bad guy. I don’t like it. “That suckes.” He shrugged. Tiny, helpless motion.

“Yeah,” Kevin said. Green eyes flicking under the porch light. “Yeah, it does.” 

“It’s better when you don’t have to do it alone, I guess,” Aaron blurted out and shocked himself. Kevin smiled. Very soft and gentle. He looked somewhat smug. Aaron rolled his eyes and nudged him. “Are you gonna finish the tea or what?” 

Aaron thought, maybe losing control is not that bad if someone is right there to hold you through it. 

Notes:

Hi, I have only one exam left, and procrastination is my only driving force so idk what I'll do

Chapter 5: Chapter 4

Notes:

Song of the chapter:
Exit music (for a film) - Radiohead (during twinyards ;));
Dear your holiness - Bayside.

Hey mom, they all left me all alone
Someone save me, someone save me
Hey god, I'm out here on my own
So now will you save me?

I think its funny you've been quiet for so long
When you're quiet no one proves you wrong
And dear your holiness
Your armies safe and sound
Down here dying for you

The last day of the weekend started with Aaron waking up in the morning. He was rested. Having slept for almost two days. After hanging out on the back porch with Kevin until sunrise, he retreated to his room and hardly left it. Once, Nicky made him get out so he could eat. Not bearing to be stuck with his twin in one room, he ate half of his scrambled eggs and went back into the room. He also made progress in studying. 

They would be getting ready to leave at noon. He had time to sleep some more, but the fresh feeling of the nightmare was still creeping down his bones.  He got up and made his way down to the kitchen. 

The living room was empty, as was the kitchen. Aaron did not have a problem with that. He started the coffee machine and opened the fridge to make something for himself to eat. 

“He lives,” Aaron spun around to see Andrew leaning against the doorframe. Armbands in place and hair looking a little muffled. 

“Morning shithead,” Aaron grumbled. His twin's mouth twitched in disapproval. Andrew made his way to the freezer to take out a giant ice cream container and sat down. While spooning his ice cream, his gaze remained locked on Aaron.

Feeling uncomfortable, Aaron wanted to go out. As he closed the fridge door and started for the living room, Andrew stopped him.

“Explain.” The words were stern, leaving no room for argument. What he had to explain, Aaron did not know. He watched Andrew, seeing if he would continue, but of course, he did not. 

“Nice elaboration.” Aaron sighed when he got no reaction. “What do you want me to explain?” 

“Stupidity is not a good look on you.” Andrew continued licking his ice cream. 

“Whatever fucker,” Aaron huffed. Resigned to go out. 

“Bathroom. Explain.” 

Aaron stopped in his tracks. Turning around, he curled his lips in a cruel smile. “I thought you had no interest in my breakdowns.” He searched Andrew’s eyes for reaction, but his twin remained unfazed. 

“Ah, bitter child strikes again. Call the drums.” Andrew threw his spoon in the sink and stood in front of Aaron. “My patience is running low.” 

“Don’t bother with me.” Aaron furrowed his brows. He wanted to get out. “Just go on with your days as you were doing. No need to pretend to be interested now.” 

Andrew smiled cruelly. “You can not live without seeking attention.” He looked Aaron up and down. “Your whole life, you’ve been whining for me to pay attention, and when I do, I see nothing worth looking at. Dead Mommy and track marks do not make you hard to read."

Aaron blinked. What was it that Betsy always said in sessions? Breathe, Aaron. How do you do that?! It felt like he forgot he had autonomy over his body. Why should I breathe? He thought What is the point of always trying to breathe?

“Okay.” Aaron nodded. “Okay, Andrew.” He rubbed his palms together. Itching was coming from within. “I get the picture. I do.” He looked his twin in the eyes and nodded once more. Not expecting any reaction. “I might not always have gotten it, but I know now. We are thought and thought. You do not have to bother with me, and I won’t be bothering you as well.” 

He turned around and left the kitchen. 

Columbia remained the worst place to unpack family business.

 

***

Somewhere between the endless practices and study sessions, the winter granted them a snow cover. Fat snowflakes were falling from the sky nonstop. For a couple of days, even walking out of the dorms seemed dangerous. 

This kind of weather was new for South Carolina. People seemed excited for the snow. Even the upperclassmen made a date out of it, dragging Josten like an excited new toy to try building a snowman next to the dorms. Snowman looked fucking ridiculous. Aaron was glad no one asked him to join; it would have been extremely embarrassing. 

It all started fucking ridiculously if you asked him. Matt wanted the dorm for himself that day and was building a foundation instead of simply asking Aaron. Going like it’s such nice weather for studying in a cozy cafe, ain’t it, mate? Eventually, Aaron got tired and asked him to speak like a fucking normal person, okay, Matt? And Boyd just said he and Dan had a date and wanted the dorm empty for tonight. 

It was fine with Aaron. It really was. Except, he fucking had nowhere to go. The library was closing early, and walking out seemed like such a fucking headache. To make matters worse, he was running on 2 hours of sleep and had a couple of assignments due, because his professors were fucking mean individuals. 

Huffing and puffing, and totally not making a big deal out of the whole ordeal, Aaron went to his most visited place - Foxhole court. It seemed like a really safe choice. It really did at that time. Lounging on the sofa and working on his assignments, he forgot to watch the clock.

It was long past due time, and Matt asked him to return to when the mismatched trio came in. They all stared at him, well, except Andrew - he glanced, raised an eyebrow, and started for the court. Josten started to run his mouth, but Kevin just stared at him, surprised. Aaron was equally surprised. 

Kevin and Aaron had not practiced together after the fight and eventual make-up. Aaron was coming to the court in odd hours to avoid others, and Kevin still seemed a little stiff and distant. More than usual. It could be noticed in small ways, like how he watched Aaron during practices, and instead of correcting his mistakes and making a public show out of it, he turned to Joster or Wilds to correct him. Like, he just walked past Aaron on his way from the Library to the dorm and never tried to strike up a conversation with him. 

It was strange in a way that was not. Aaron and Kevin never did have a close relationship, but they did have something. Now, it was back to nothing. 

After Josten ran out of breath and insults, he trailed after Andrew like a stray cat looking for food. Disgusting way. Aaron just tuned him out for most of the talk and did not even bother to reply to any of his sour comments, because he was really tired. Kevin hung back and looked at Aaron. He was looking worse for wear. Red eyes, hollow cheeks, and everything. 

“Are you sick?” Aaron asked. He was not sure why he struck up a conversation. 

Kevin shrugged and looked at his open notes. “Why are you studying here?” 

Aaron smiled. It did not reach his eyes. “Busy night for couples, I guess.” Kevin stared. After the silence stretched, Aaron coughed awkwardly. “Matt wanted the dorm for himself for a little while,” He started explaining, “And I had to study, so, you know.” he looked around like it would explain. “The court is usually empty during these hours.” 

“Library closed at 6 today,” Kevin said more to himself. Aaron nodded. “Are you gonna join?” He nodded towards the court. 

Aaron shook his head. “No, I really have a lot of studying to do.” 

Kevin nodded, and that was that. Aaron went back to studying, and Kevin went for the practice. Time passed fast with neurobiology and chemistry as companions. Aaron was not even aware of others finishing their business until, freshly showered and changed, Josten materialized in front of his notebook. 

“You are coming with us.” He said. Aaron blinked to adjust the light off the screen. He inhaled deeply and went back to his studies. Josten seemed fine with his answer, more like a non-answer, and left him alone. 

Aaron was very close to finishing his chemistry quiz when another intruder came. Quiet demeanor and sick puppy eyes. “Seriously, I think you are catching a cold,” Aaron said matter-of-factly. 

“Come with, Aaron, before I freeze to death,” Kevin said, clearly in no mood for actual conversation. He did seem to be shivering. Aaron took pity on him and decided to give him his stored pack of flu teas. 

“I still have some studying left; you can go without me.” He answered. 

Kevin rolled his eyes. Bending, he took Aaron’s pen, holding it between his long, thin, slender fingers. “And how exactly are you gonna get back?” He raised an eyebrow. 

“The same way I would, if you were never to show up here, Kevin.” Aaron deadpanned. 

“Andrew is waiting,” Kevin was twirling the pen elegantly, the way you would only if you had a long practice with it. 

“He does not have to,” Aaron shrugged. “You can run along now, Kevin. I’m not going until I’m finished.” 

Kevin opened his mouth like he wanted to say something more, but he shook his head and left with the simple don’t freeze on your way. And that was that. 

The streets were lit by the sun when Aaron left the court. The snow was melting under his boots, but at least he had no assignments due. 

 

*** 

Scrolling to his contact list, Aaron found Kevin’s number and opened chat. Almost no messages for months. He quickly typed Come over. He briefly hovered over the send button. Worst comes to worst, he would get ignored, and it was something he was used to. He sent the text and quickly went to the drawer where he stored all his flu pills and teas. He took out a couple for Kevin and went back to the phone. 

Kevin did not answer for almost an hour. Aaron was trying to study, but he found himself checking his phone almost obsessively. He huffed. Kevin probably was asleep or ignoring Aaron on principle. After all, the message was unfortunately worded. Come over - sounded like something suggestive, and frankly, Aaron and Kevin never had that kind of relationship. 

Aaron was getting ready for bed when there was a knock on the door. He quickly got up and went out. Finding the dorm empty was a bonus delight; he opened the door, and there was Kevin. 

Clearly sick. Dark hair sticking to every corner and sleep bags under his green eyes. He was frowning. Seemed like breathing was hard on him, and he was about to fall over any second. 

“Why did you not go to Abby?” Aaron asked the moment he saw Kevin’s state. 

Kevin’s frown deepened. He opened his mouth, but a quick coughing fit interrupted him. Doubling over. Aaron ushered him inside and made him sit on the couch. He went to get the tea and pills and went to the kitchen. 

Kevin was looking at him, surprised when he came back with hot tea. Handing a water cup to him, he took out pills as well. “Did you take anything today?” He asked. Kevin shook his head and swallowed the pills Aaron gave him dry, completely ignoring the water cup. Aaron scowled at him but slid the tea closer. “Drink this fully, the pills will kick in in a couple of minutes. You probably have a fever too. We need to check it.” 

After checking the fever, which was unsurprisingly high, and drinking the tea fully, Kevin was muffled in the blankets, his socked feet touching Aaron’s tights. He looked close to passing out. Aaron was playing with the console, but was constantly checking on Kevin from the corner of his eye. 

“Head hurts,” Kevin whined. Aaron turned off the volume on the game and looked at him. Kevin had closed his eyes, but was frowning deeply. 

“I can’t give you more pills yet, but I can get you another tea, maybe a hot drink will help,” He suggested. Kevin opened one eye, messy hair falling on his forehead, looking at Aaron with a sheepish smile, and gave a tiny nod. Aron suppressed a smile. 

Getting another cup of tea, he quickly went back. Kevin was trying to sit up. He winced when he moved his head. Aaron adjusted the pillows so he could sit comfortably. Kevin tucked his feet beneath Aaron’s tights.

“You should skip practice tomorrow,” Aaron said, looking at Kevin. “And you should see Abby first thing in the morning, too.” 

Kevin started to shake his head, but hissed in pain. He closed his eyes slowly and opened them again. “I can’t. It’ll pass by the morning.” 

Aaron rolled his eyes. “You were sick yesterday, too,” He made a point to raise his eyebrow. “It does not pass on its own if you don’t let yourself rest.” 

“I’ll be fine,” Kevin said, pushing the empty tea cup on the table and lying back. He pulled the covers almost to his eyes and fell into a slow breathing. Aaron sighned. He unpaused the game and continued playing on mute. 

He must have dozed off, because a knock on the door jerked him awake. His back ached, and he stretched, whincing in pain when getting up. Josten was on the other side of the door. Aaron scowled. 

“Kevin here?” Josten asked. Looking Aaron up and down. 

Nodding, Aaron stood back. “He just fell asleep,” he said when Josten eyed Kevin’s awkward sleeping form on the couch. “He had a fever.” Aaron looked at Josted full on, in judging mode. 

Redhead rolled his eyes. “He’ll live.” He said and went to wake Kevin. Shaking him, Kevin only slumped further into the cover and grumbled. Josted shook him and jumped back, just in time to avoid Kevin’s limbs smacking him in the face. “Get up”

“Don’t even think about taking him for a practice,” Aaron hissed. “He needs rest.” 

Josten frowned at him. Kevin was getting up, his hands to his temple. “Aaron?” He asked. Bleary eyes and a mouth turned down. “Can I have more pills?” 

Aaron gave him two more pills to swallow. “Take water too, easier to dissolve.”

“Okay, now that that’s taken care of, let’s go to bed, princess,” Josten said sarcastically. Kevin went after him, stopping by the door. 

He turned around, Aaron’s blanket thrown around him. He smiled slowly, “Thank you, Aaron”. 

Aaron shrugged. The door closed with a click.

Tossing and turning all night, Aaron could not settle in his bones. His temperature rising.

 

*** 

Aaron woke up knowing it was going to be a bad day.  

He was slowly losing the sense of time.

Cold was never kind to Aaron. He remembered times when he would shake and shake in a house without a heater, his mother nowhere to be found for days, for weeks, sometimes for months. 

He remembered unpaid checks and the electricity guy looking at him sadly. Tell your mom to pay this first thing in the morning, and don’t freeze tonight, okay, son? He remembers the highs, dragging his heavy limbs in the bed, drugged out of his mind, staring at the ceiling, and wondering if the wetness on his cheeks will turn to ice soon. 

He remembered visiting Nicky’s family. His mother was angry, slapping him in the car, and his ripped Jacket falling off his arms. He remembered Maria's stare at his malnourished and underfed body, hard and disapproving. The boy needs more food, Tilda. He remembered counting the ribs sticking out of his skin and laughing, while Nicky looked at him sadly. Oh, Aaron. Nicky said as a freshly turned teenager. 

Functioning was hard between the memories and the present in winter, and somehow, it’s the coldest winter they’ve seen in years. Aaron constantly jerked to consciousness in places he did not recognize. In class, he suddenly became aware as the professor directed questions to him. The class filled out, and Aaron stayed behind as per request. Take care of yourself more, Aaron, the professor suddenly reminded him of the heavy gaze of Maria from all those years ago. He slipped out of the room. 

It continued at the practice. Suddenly bending forward, popping the entire weight on his knees, and dry heaving. Dizzy and breathless. When was the last time you had a proper meal, Minyard? Wymack’s gruff voice cut through him. Sitting at his office. Looking around. Swimming in and out of consciousness. 

Abby stared at him, his arms connected to the needles. For a horrifying second, he thought of being drugged. “No, no, no,” He chanted.. 

“It’s okay, Aaron.” Abby combed his hair, “It’s only IV.” 

He slipped in and out of sleep and nightmares. He saw his mom by his side, smiling at him. “It’s all gonna be okay, baby.” His mom soothed.

“Mom?” Aaron whispered. 

“Oh, Aaron.” Nicky. 

Aaron sleeps again. Dreams are hard to distinguish from reality. 

“It’s just a common flu, but the fever is high. He needs liquids and rest. Food, too, god knows when the last time the boy ate.” Abby's voice woke him up

He woke up in Andrew’s car. Silence frozen. Nicky ticking to his side. “Go back to sleep, baby.” 

He woke up for the last time in his bed to Matt placing water beside him. “Oh, sorry, did I wake you?” He asked. Aaron looked around. 

“What time is it?” 

“Just 7 pm,” Matt said. “I’m living for practice soon, but Abby said you should drink water.” 

Aaron gulped the whole cup in one go. Matt left with apologies on his lips and asked him to go back to sleep. Nicky came around, too, before leaving. Fixing him sandwiches and a recap of the day. Abby says it’s nothing serious, but you should rest today. The fever is down. 

The last guest was Kevin. He came in his ridiculously big Pajamas, hoodie, and glasses. “Heard you are sick too.” He said as he stuck his head in the room. “Sorry, probably got it from me yesterday.” 

Apologies did not taste well on Kevin’s mouth. He stood by the door, uncertain. Aaron fought off the sleep. He lifted his heavy blanket. Hesitation radiated through Kevin. 

The air was hot and still as Kevin slipped beside Aaron, getting comfortable in the sheets. He took off his glasses and hugged the pillow. 

Aaron curled up to himself, feeling every inch of Kevin’s hoodie sticking to his pajamas. 

“Sleep,” Aaron said, and lost consciousness to the darkness.

Notes:

Andrew is not that evil; Aaron is just an unreliable narrator.

Chapter 6: Chapter 5

Notes:

Song of the chapter -
Ella Fitzgerald - Dream a Little Dream of Me.

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

 

*** 

Aaron learned in class that every face in a dream is one he has already seen in life—the stranger passing on the street, the barista handing over coffee, the loudest voices at the end of the cafeteria. The brain stores them all, even without attention, and recalls them at night. It cannot invent new faces. Which meant the blurry face in his dream had to belong to someone he had once encountered, unnoticed. 

So the blurry face in his dream had to belong to someone he’d met. Someone who had slipped past his attention and into the folds of memory.s

When he woke, though, it was already gone. The shape dissolved as quickly as he tried to chase it. All that was left was the faint unease that he’d missed something important.

Aaron stretched, his head still a little heavy from yesterday’s fever. His body felt sluggish, bones waterlogged, but the heat that had been burning him up seemed to have finally broken. Kevin didn’t look much better—dark circles under his eyes, hair falling in messy strands—but he was upright, composed, already scrolling through his phone like he hadn’t nearly melted with fever twenty-four hours ago.

“You’re disgusting,” Aaron croaked.

Kevin’s eyes flicked over. “You’re not much to look at yourself.”

Aaron huffed, leaning back against the headboard. For a moment, they sat in silence, the kind that wasn’t jagged. The room felt muted, softer, like the world was giving him a break.

Aaron’s stomach twisted with words he didn’t want to say. He looked away, out the window, at the gray winter sky. “Back then,” he started, low and hesitant, “the fight we had. You know the one.” 

Kevin finally looked at him.

Aaron’s chest tightened. “You said some shit about Andrew and Neil. And then—you looked at me.” He swallowed. “Like you thought I was about to swing at you. Like you thought I’d… be like…” he could not finish the sentence to find the reference he was looking for. 

Kevin had looked at him like he thought Aaron was gonna hurt Andrew. Like he was truly capable of hurting him. 

Kevin’s expression didn’t shift, but the air thickened between them.

Aaron pressed his lips into a thin line. He hated how small his voice sounded. “Did you really think I was capable of hurting my brother like that?”

Kevin exhaled slowly, setting his phone down on the nightstand. “No,” he said after a long pause. “I thought you hated what they had. I thought you hated them for it.” His mouth twitched, almost a grimace. “And I didn’t want to see it. Not from you.”

Aaron blinked. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Kevin’s gaze sharpened, but his voice softened in a way Aaron wasn’t used to. “It means you’re loud when you’re angry, Aaron. And I thought that anger was aimed at them.” He looked away, toward the window now. “I don’t think that anymore.”

Aaron’s jaw worked. He wanted to push, to demand what Kevin thought instead. But the words stuck, heavy, in his throat.

“Good,” he muttered finally. “Because if you thought I was like… that, I’d kill you.” Scowling, Aaron looked away. “I just hate Josten, because he is him, and sadly happens to be Andrew’s soulmate, or whatever.”

Kevin’s mouth quirked—the ghost of a smile. “Terrifying.”

Aaron glared at him, but the heat in his chest didn’t match. Something unsaid lingered between them, fragile and strange.

Kevin reached for his phone again, casual as ever. “You should get dressed. You look like you wrestled a raccoon.”

Aaron threw a pillow at him. Kevin caught it one-handed without looking. Smiling. 

For a moment, the room felt lighter.

The quiet stretched after Kevin’s half-smile, and Aaron felt as if he stared at him any longer, the air would go brittle. He shoved the blanket off and dragged himself out of bed, moving with the graceless stiffness of someone who’d been wrecked by fever just a day ago. His legs still felt heavy, but compared to the ache that had hollowed him out yesterday, this was practically paradise.

He dug through the mess on his desk for clean clothes. “You’re not still sick, are you?”

Kevin raised an eyebrow without looking up from his phone. “What do you think?”

“I think you look like shit,” Aaron said flatly, tugging a sweatshirt over his head.

“You’re a terrible judge of appearances,” Kevin replied, slipping the phone into his lap. His voice was as sharp as ever, but Aaron noticed the way Kevin’s shoulders moved a little slower than usual, the way his throat bobbed with an effort.

Aaron hesitated, then dropped into his chair, arms crossed. “You didn’t drink last night, did you?”

The question landed sharper than he intended. His tone made it sound like an accusation, but his chest was tight with something else—something he didn’t want to name.

Kevin’s head tilted. His mouth quirked, almost amused. “What, are you my babysitter now?”

Aaron scowled, heat rising to his face. “No. I just don’t feel like watching your hungover corpse again.”

Kevin’s eyes lingered on him for a beat longer than necessary. “No, I haven’t drunk in a week, actually,” he said, voice quieter, almost shy.

Aaron blinked. He felt the emotions pooling in his body. Proud and swift and almost gentle. He shoved his hand into the drawer instead and pulled out his handheld console. “Good. Then you won’t embarrass yourself when I destroy you at Mario Kart.”

Kevin gave him a look like he was half a step away from laughing, but he didn’t protest when Aaron shoved a controller into his hand.

It started as a distraction. A way to burn the leftover fever fog out of their systems. But within twenty minutes, Aaron was hunched forward on the edge of the bed, swearing under his breath as Kevin somehow dodged three consecutive shells, and Kevin was muttering to himself in French every time Aaron got lucky with a power-up.

By the third race, Kevin was swearing in English, too.

“Stop aiming at me!” Kevin snapped, leaning dangerously forward, knuckles white on the controller.

Aaron smirked. “What, do you want me to give you a participation trophy? It’s not my fault you’re garbage.”

Kevin’s eyes narrowed, but there was no venom in them. If anything, there was heat, sharp and focused—like Aaron had accidentally become another match he needed to win.

“You’re infuriating,” Kevin muttered.

Aaron’s grin widened as he crossed the finish line first. “And you’re predictable.”

Kevin groaned, dragging a hand over his face. “How do you even have the energy for this after yesterday?”

Aaron shrugged, setting the controller down like a victor tossing aside his sword. “Guess I’m just built better.”

Kevin muttered something under his breath that Aaron didn’t catch.

Aaron barely looked up when Matt stuck his head in the room. They were on the 5th round.

“Whoa,” Matt said, taking in the scene. “This is—wow. Cute date, guys.”

Aaron’s head snapped up. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Matt grinned, unbothered, and leaned against the doorframe. “You, Kevin, video games, cozy lighting. Don’t let me interrupt.”

“Boyd,” Kevin said evenly, without looking away from the screen. “If you don’t leave in the next ten seconds, I’ll make sure you run extra drills tomorrow.”

“Aw, he’s blushing,” Matt said, eyebrows raised.

Aaron threw a pillow at him. Scowling. Matt ducked out of the doorway just in time, laughing as he disappeared down the hall.

Kevin sighed, finally setting his controller down. “Your teammates are unbearable.”

“They are your teammates, too.” But Aaron didn’t disagree.

Nicky showed up not long after, balancing two mugs of tea like a waiter. He froze when he saw them side by side on the bed, controllers in hand, the TV lighting their faces.

“Oh my god,” Nicky whispered, eyes wide with mock reverence. “It’s happening.”

Aaron groaned. “Don’t you have someone else to annoy?”

“Not when I walk into my cousin’s room and find him on a—” Nicky paused, looking between the two of them, then grinned. “—bonding experience. A rare sighting. Like catching Bigfoot on camera.”

Kevin took one of the mugs from him without comment and sipped. “Leave.”

Nicky winked at them before taking a seat on the couch. A tight squeeze. 

Aaron rubbed his temples. “I hate everyone.”

Kevin’s shoulder brushed his when he leaned back, their arms almost touching. “Me too,” he said, and it was the first thing that had sounded like genuine agreement all morning.

“Aww, don’t be like that, guys! It’s bonding time, let’s play while I tell you what happened at the practice today!” Nicky filled them with every unnecessary event that took place that day in Palmetto

They ended up playing until the clock made it impossible to ignore practice any longer. Aaron wasn’t sure how time had folded in on itself, how Kevin had gone from an opponent to an anchor, steady and immovable beside him. He only knew that when Kevin stood, stretching his long frame, Aaron felt an unexpected pull in his chest, like gravity had shifted.

He ignored it. He was good at ignoring things.

 

*** 

Kevin stayed over while Nicky made food, complaining about the lack of green until both Aaron and Nicky snapped at him in unison: Oh my god, shut up, Kevin. He sulked with a miserable expression, poking at his plate as if the vegetables might magically appear, whining all the while.

When they finished, Nicky dragged Kevin back to the living room for more games, chatter spilling like static. Aaron stayed behind in the kitchen to do the dishes, hating every second.

He heard the knock at the door, muffled voices, and then new footsteps entering. He didn’t expect his twin to walk into the kitchen. The air thinned instantly. Aaron turned back to the soapy plate in his hands, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Not looking worse than usual,” Andrew said.

Aaron’s heart jumped before he could stop it. His body hadn’t gotten the memo that he’d given up on Andrew days ago.

“You drove me back yesterday,” Aaron muttered. He remembered waking in Andrew’s car, fever-drunk and disoriented.

“You were stupid enough to show up to practice with a fever.” Andrew’s tone was flat, but Aaron could feel the weight of his stare. “You don’t eat.”

Aaron scowled, rinsing the plate. “I just ate.”

If Andrew could produce any kind of reaction, he would have rolled his eyes. Aaron was sure. “First time for everything.” 

Aaron set the plate down harder than necessary. “I eat plenty. Don’t trouble yourself.”

“It didn’t look like it yesterday.” Andrew fiddled with his armbands, voice low. “Is it because of the cheerleader” No question mark, just fact.

“Don’t talk about her,” Aaron snapped.

Andrew smirked, thin and cutting. “You forgot to mention the breakup.”

Aaron froze. He hadn’t forgotten. He just didn’t want Andrew to know. He never wanted Andrew to know.

“Humor me, brother.” Andrew leaned into the words, mocking. “You broke the deal because of her. You stopped going to the sessions. You started sneaking in practice at night, like a mouse. Have a breakdown in a bathroom and throw a proper tantrum, how we are through and through.” Andrew full-on mocked Aaron on the last phrase. 

Aaron’s teeth ground together. “That’s your assumption.”

“Observation.”

Aaron shook his head, suddenly exhausted, like the air itself was draining him. “What do you want, Andrew?”

He feels out of breath. Tired like he ran the marathon. Talking with Andrew always drained him in the worst way, but today, he was totally unprepared for the punch. 

For a moment, Andrew only studied him, eyes sharp and unreadable. Then: “Come to Bee’s.”

Aaron’s chest tightened. “You told me not to come.”

Andrew tilted his head, gaze flicking down to Aaron’s fists clenched in his pockets. “And now I’m telling you to come.”

Aaron closed his eyes and pulled in a breath that didn’t fill his lungs. Hollow. Always hollow.
What was he supposed to make of this?

Andrew dragged him in when it suited him and shoved him out when he was bored. That was the rhythm - push, pull, discard. The first time Aaron had given it a chance, he let himself believe something might shift. That they could stop clawing at each other long enough to coexist. That maybe things between them could soften into something almost human.

It hadn’t.

Aaron could never loosen his guard, not in front of Andrew. And Andrew never stopped pressing on the bruises just to see if they still hurt.

So why now? Why should Aaron give it another go? He’d already decided, after the weekend at the family home, that he was done. That he could live the rest of his life without trying again. But here Andrew was, poking at him anyway, like a knife testing the edge of a scar.

“I have to think about it,” Aaron said finally.

His twin did not stay after the answer; he left the room. Aaron took first proper breath after the encounter. Flexing his hands, he took them out. Looking up, he found Nicky lingering by the door. Sad puppy eyes fixed on him. 

“You heard, then?” Signed Aaron. 

“It’s a good thing,” Nicky said and pulled him closer. Throwing his arms around Aaron’s shoulders. The hug was sweet and satisfying. Something broke within Aaron. “Trust me on this, baby. Everything will work out.” 

Nicky’s whispers calmed the unsteadiness of Aaron’s body, and eventually they went out to the vacant living room. 

Kevin was gone with Andrew. 

 

*** 

Practice was brutal. With this close to an actual game, even the dust in the air was tense.

The court smelled of sweat and varnish and something metallic, as if the walls themselves had soaked up years of fights. Aaron felt every sound in his bones: the slap of shoes against the floor, the hollow thud of the ball, Kevin’s clipped voice cutting sharp enough to peel skin.

His body wasn’t ready for this. It hadn’t been ready yesterday, hadn’t been ready all week. Fever and rest hadn’t vanished overnight; they’d just retreated to the edges, waiting. His limbs felt hollow, like they were full of air instead of muscle, and his skin sat too loose over the sharp planes of bone. He caught his reflection in a passing window and thought he looked like a bag barely holding its shape.

“Move your feet!” Kevin barked.

Aaron flinched more at the sound than the meaning. He pushed himself into the next sprint, legs aching with every strike against the ground. His stick wavered, the pass falling short.

“Again,” Kevin snapped, already repositioning the ball.

Across the court, Allison groaned audibly. “You’re kidding.”

“I don’t kid,” Kevin returned, blank as stone.

“Could’ve fooled me,” Matt muttered, sweat dripping down his jaw as he bent into position.

Nicky, panting dramatically, threw an arm around Aaron’s shoulders as they reset. “He’s evil to everyone.” He squeezed once before jogging off, winking at him over his shoulder. “But don’t worry, you look like death warmed over, so maybe he’ll go easy on you.”

Aaron didn’t laugh, but the knot in his chest loosened just a fraction.

The drill restarted. Kevin’s voice chased them around the court, sharp corrections and clipped demands. Aaron’s body lagged behind his will, each motion a half-beat too slow. He felt clumsy, breakable. When Neil intercepted his pass, his stick jarred against Aaron’s fingers so hard his knuckles went numb.

“Again,” Neil and Kevin said together.

“Jesus, give him a break,” Allison snapped, hands on her hips.

Kevin’s jaw flexed. “You don’t win with breaks.”

Aaron ground his teeth and reset. He wouldn’t give Kevin the satisfaction of watching him fail. Even if every breath scraped, even if every muscle trembled like it might split open.

The next few rounds blurred. Neil darting like a live wire, Andrew catching shots with detached precision, Matt’s easy laugh turning brittle as fatigue dragged at them all. Kevin never stopped, driving them forward, demanding more, like perfection was the only air he knew how to breathe.

By the time Wymack’s whistle cut across the noise, Aaron thought his legs might collapse under him. His arms dangled heavy at his sides, stick nearly slipping. Sweat stung his eyes, and his chest felt like paper-thin over the frantic thud of his heart.

“That’s it,” Wymack called. “Cool down before you drop dead on my court.”

Matt collapsed onto the floor with a dramatic groan. Dan smacked Kevin’s arm on her way past him, muttering something that sounded like tyrant . Nicky dragged himself upright, grinning even through his panting.

“Good hustle, cousins,” he told Aaron as if they’d just won the lottery. “If you don’t die tonight, we should celebrate.” He leaned down, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “And if you do die, I’ll make sure you get a tasteful headstone.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, too drained to bite back. Still, something about the absurdity of it cut through the fog in his head. Kevin was silent as he collected the scattered balls, jaw tight, shoulders stiff. He looked ready to argue with the whole world if anyone gave him an opening.

Aaron stripped off his helmet and sat on the bench, the cool air of the court brushing damp against his overheated skin. His body ached like it was one sharp knock from breaking apart completely.

Content wasn’t the right word, but it was close to his being right now. He was tired down to the marrow, yes, but the weight of it anchored him. He’d given everything his body had to give.

When  Aaron made it to class, his body felt like someone had rung it out and left it to dry. He dropped into his seat, bones grinding like old hinges, hoodie tugged over his head as if fabric alone could keep him upright. His pen hovered over the notebook, but the lines blurred. He couldn’t tell if it was exhaustion or if his eyes just didn’t want to focus anymore.

The professor started, voice droning, chalk squealing against the board. Every sound pressed heavily against Aaron’s skull. His hand shook as he wrote, the words uneven, letters slanting like they were sliding off the page.

Halfway through, his fingers went slack. The pen rolled from his hand, clattering onto the floor. He cursed under his breath, leaning forward, but someone else bent down first.

A slender hand scooped it up. “Here.”

Aaron blinked, disoriented, as she set the pen on his desk. Long hair slipped over her shoulder, framing a face that was familiar only in the way some people seemed to be echoes. Her smile wasn’t bright, not like Nicky’s forced sunshine, but small, steady, the kind that asked nothing in return.

For a second, Aaron forgot where he was. Katelyn used to smile like that, patient when he was at his worst, grounding him with something quiet. His chest twisted, sharp enough he had to look away.

“You okay?” she asked softly.

“I’m fine,” Aaron muttered.

She didn’t push. Just slid back into her seat, notebook open, pen tapping once against the margin. When the professor rattled off a definition, Aaron found himself blanking, mind stalling out. Before he could force his hand to move, she tilted her notebook toward him, angled so he could see the neat handwriting: the answer written clean across her page.

Aaron scrawled it down before he could stop himself. He wanted to bristle, wanted to say he didn’t need help, but his body was too tired to hold the lie.

The lecture dragged on. Aaron’s vision blurred more than once, and each time he faltered, he noticed her pen moving, writing just a little slower than before, waiting for him to catch up.

When class finally ended, he shoved his notebook into his bag, ready to disappear before anyone could catch him. But she touched the edge of his desk, just enough to hold his attention.

“A few of us are putting together a study group next week,” she said. “Library, evenings. You should come.”

Aaron stared at her. The words didn’t make sense at first, not when all he could see was the tilt of her smile, the ghost of memory it tugged out of him. Late nights bent over Katelyn’s books, her laugh soft when he complained, her hand steadying his when he got frustrated. His throat tightened until he had to swallow against it.

He wanted to say no. That was his instinct, always. Shut it down before it could go anywhere, before she could expect something from him he couldn’t give. He didn’t do groups, didn’t do chatter in bright rooms, didn’t do people.

But she didn’t look like she was just offering.

Aaron tightened his grip on his pen, knuckles white. “Maybe,” he said, quiet.

Her smile widened, still soft. “I’ll write down the time.”

He shoved his bag onto his shoulder before she could hand him anything. Still, as he left the room, the ache in his chest followed him out into the hallway.

 

*** 

Aaron dreamed of the face again.

Blurry, half-lit, always turning away. He chased it through a crowd where sound drowned itself out, voices bleeding into bass, light strobing across bodies. The harder he ran, the further it slipped from him, dissolving into smoke and shadow. He woke gasping, chest hollow, as if he’d lost something vital in the night.

His alarm dragged him the rest of the way out of bed. Game day.

He showered on autopilot, water too hot against skin already sensitive, then tugged on the uniform. The orange jersey clung to him damply, still carrying detergent from the wash. Walking through campus toward the bus, he couldn’t miss the surge of color: students in bright orange jackets and scarves, faces painted, banners waving. The campus buzzed like it was alive, one pulsing heartbeat carried in shouts and chants.

Aaron kept his head down. He wasn’t here for the noise. He was here because he had to be. Still, something in the air pressed against his skin, that old reminder that Exy mattered here in ways he could never escape.

The first quarter was adrenaline, pure and biting. His legs felt shaky at the start, but he forced them into motion, teeth clenched against the protest in his muscles. His stick cut sharper than usual, passes landing cleaner, his body moving like it wanted to prove something. Kevin’s commands barked across the court, clipped and merciless. Aaron found himself responding faster than he expected, pulled into the rhythm before he had time to think.

By the second quarter, the burn set in. His lungs clawed for air, sweat slicking down his spine, jersey sticking damp against him. Still, he held his ground, sharper than he’d been in weeks. Neil was everywhere at once, reckless and precise, Andrew a wall in the goal, disinterested but impossible to breach.

Aaron nearly collapsed when the halftime whistle blew. His helmet felt heavy in his hands, like it could drag him under. He stumbled toward the bench, vision narrowing to static at the edges.

“You’re sitting out,” Wymack said flatly, before Aaron could argue.

The protest caught in his throat. He wanted to fight it, wanted to say he wasn’t weak, but his legs trembled under him as he lowered onto the bench. Wymack’s word was final.

Matt slid in beside him, grinning despite the sweat dripping down his jaw. “Not bad, Minyard. Really not bad. You’re sharper tonight. Kevin’s probably foaming at the mouth with joy.”

Aaron raised an eyebrow, unconvinced.

“I mean it,” Matt pressed, hand lifted for a high five. After a beat, Aaron lifted his hand, palm slapping against Matt’s. “See? That’s progress.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, but his lips twitched before he could stop them.

Out on the court, the game surged forward. From the bench, Aaron had a different view: his twin in the goal, sharp and controlled, but his gaze flat, detached. Neil was weaving through chaos like it was his natural state.

And Kevin.

Kevin moved like the court was his stage, each play precise, merciless. The ball bent to him, passes flowing like water, shots sharp enough to carve the air. His body carried Exy the way it was meant to be played: no hesitation, no flaw.

Fourth quarter, Wymack shoved him back in. His body screamed at him, every muscle frayed, but he tightened his grip on the stick and forced himself to move. He stumbled once, caught himself, teeth bared.

He played through the pain. Through the burn in his lungs, the ache in his legs. Every step felt like borrowed time, but he gave it anyway, until the final whistle blew and the court erupted.

Foxes won.

Noise surged from the stands, a wall of cheers crashing down. Helmets flew off, sticks lifted, voices overlapping. Aaron barely had time to brace before Nicky’s arms wrapped tight around him, pulling him into the mess of orange and sweat and laughter.

“Group hug!” Nicky shouted, as if anyone could hear him over the roar.

Aaron tried to push back, but Matt’s arm hooked over his shoulders, Dan pressing in, and suddenly he was swallowed whole. Heat and noise, bodies pressing, his own exhaustion drowned in their victory.

His chest heaved with each breath, lungs still aching, but for once the weight didn’t feel suffocating.

 

***

The foxes made a whole gathering out of it. Shuffling in the girls’ room and passing the alcohol around. Even Andrew was present. 

The party had already started by the time Aaron drifted into the girls’ room. The space was too warm, lit in strands of yellow fairy lights Renee had strung up weeks ago. Music bled from someone’s phone speaker, not loud enough to drown conversation but steady enough to blur the edges.

The Foxes filled the space like they owned it, like they always did. Matt had taken over the center, retelling a play from the game with gestures so wide he nearly smacked Dan in the face. She ducked and laughed, throwing popcorn at him. Allison perched on the arm of the couch with a bottle in hand, hair glossy under the string lights, rolling her eyes every time Matt exaggerated another detail.

Aaron sat down on the far end of the sofa, nursing his drink. He wasn’t sure what it was—Nicky had shoved a cup into his hand before he could ask—and it buzzed low in his veins. The laughter rolled around him in waves. Dan leaned into Matt’s side, Neil lounged on the floor like he was immune to gravity, and Andrew leaned against the wall nearby, unreadable as always. Every so often, Neil’s gaze flicked toward him, like a tether, and Aaron tried not to notice.

“You should’ve seen Kevin,” Nicky was saying now, hand cutting the air like a sword. “The man was on fire. He looked like a sex god machine out there.”

“I always look like a machine,” Kevin muttered from where he’d claimed a chair in the corner, one leg stretched out, hair damp from his shower. The words were flat, but his lips curved at the edges when Allison smacked his knee and told him to shut up.

Allison launched into a story about something from class, her voice loud and sure, and Nicky punctuated it with exaggerated gasps and “no way”s that made half the room laugh. Aaron barely caught the details. The alcohol fuzzed the edges of his focus, and every time the laughter swelled, he felt smaller, as if the air kept closing him out.

Still, there were moments. Nicky passed by him at one point, dropping a ridiculous cowboy hat on his head just to see him scowl. “Yeehaw, cousin,” he whispered before darting off again. Aaron shoved the hat away, but the faint smirk tugging at his mouth lingered longer than it should have.

Later, Allison leaned across him to steal the bottle on the coffee table. “Thanks, Minyard,” she said absently, like it wasn’t strange to acknowledge him without venom. Her perfume clung to the air.

Eventually, the weight became too heavy. He slipped away when no one was looking, ignoring Matt’s half-drunken “aw, c’mon, stay!” from the couch. The hallway outside was quieter, air cooler against his skin.

By the time he collapsed into his own bed, exhaustion had already dragged him under.

*** 

 Jerking out of sleep, Aaron chased the dream, pushing to slip away.

The memory sharpened like glass, sliding into place. The face wasn’t some stranger at all. It was Kevin. Kevin, with his head tipped back under the club lights, green eyes brighter than he’d ever seen them, body moving with a rhythm that wasn’t Exy drills but something lighter, freer. For a second in that dream, Kevin hadn’t looked like a boy breaking under pressure. He had looked… happy.

Aaron’s stomach turned. He hated that his brain had stored that look, treasured it enough to make a dream out of it. Hated it, and yet — he couldn’t let it go now that he remembered.

 

Notes:

yall have no idea how fun it is to giggle over fluffy kevaaron during my work time instead of actually working. hehe xdd

Chapter 7: Chapter 6

Notes:

Songs of the chapter -
I know - Placebo
No Surprises by Radiohead.
Exit Music by Radiohead.
Aerials by Soad
The beach by the neighborhood

I know you cut me loose from contradiction
I know I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition
I know it's asking for your benediction
I know

*** 

Aaron thought the problem with his life was that it was someone else’s idea. 

His mother always said Aaron was stupid, and he never doubted her. He was a scrawny kid with no friends and an addiction. Not exactly smart on his part. So she always made sure to remind Aaron to study, to not be utterly stupid, like your father. And Aaron always kept his promise to her, studying himself sick sometimes. 

To his uncle, Aaron was not boylike. No boy should be this skinny. What are you, a lady? He would say. Aaron tried to stuff himself sick, too, but his body was used to storing the food in panic mode, not knowing when he would get to eat more. 

Nicky thought Aaron was lonely; It scares me sometimes, baby, the loneliness you carry inside you. He whispered in the dead of night, hugging Aaron close. It used to happen a lot when twins first moved with Nicky, Aaron would find himself crawling into his cousin’s bed more often than not. So he tried to be less lonely, talk to people, and if not others, maybe, at least Nicky. 

Growing into himself, Aaron had decided it was better to feel lonely by yourself than with other people. Like, sitting next to Andrew always left Aaron feeling lonely. Loneliness full of unshed words he wanted to give. Words tasted different when they lived inside you. 

“You always want to know how others are feeling, but never want to return the favor.” That’s what Andrew said when they walked into Bee’s office. 

Growing into himself, Aaron had also learned to hide how he felt. No, it was not true; there was no learning involved. He was born knowing how to hide what he felt. It was odd, not many people in the world asked about his feelings, so he seemed like some kind of mystery to them. But more often than not, Aaron was a mystery to himself, too. He would lack in explanation of the things he did and felt. 

Mystery to him was why he agreed to come to therapy with Andrew again. He spent the previous night tossing and turning in bed, restless. Why did he allow himself to be subjected to the sessions, which he previously knew to be ineffective? Why did he get in his twin’s car, fiddling with his fingers, in a tense silence? Why was the pool of nausea forming in his stomach? But, he had learned - Sometimes, you do things and you do them not because you're thinking but because you're feeling. Because you're feeling too much. And you can't always control the things you do when you're feeling too much.

“Do you want to explore this now, or leave it for later?” Betsy’s soft voice spun him out of his thought. 

Aaron thought really, really hard to form the sentence the best way he could. “Everyone expected something from me. Something I could not give.” He started, looking out of the window. “And when I did not meet the expectations, which was always impossible, you could never meet her expectations, she would just push and push.” Words tasted bitter in his mouth, but they were pooling out of him, unable to contain. “I do not mean physically, because it was not something unexpected, but she could just cut with words and make me feel- make me feel so worthless.” 

He cut off briefly, not wanting to share. But words were not something he could control today, not really.

“She would pick up on things. On the days I felt good, she would be extremely harsh, and on bad days, she would be sweet and try to coax out the feelings from me, only to throw them in my face later. I had to be extremely careful with what I felt, with her.”

The silence in the room felt suffocating. Aaron had to close his eyes to fight off the memories trying to surface. Memories he kept inside, he always kept inside. The thing about trying hard not to think about something is that it makes you think even harder. 

“Thank you for sharing that, Aaron,” Betsy said, searching his eyes. Aaron did not want to look, but the things in his life rarely went how he wanted to. “When you say she pushed you, what do you mean by that?” 

Aaron shrugged. He thought he had already answered that question. He wanted to close the topic forever. Noticing this, Betsy nodded. 

“We can come back to that topic later.” She scribbled something down in her open notes. It was silent. 

Aaron finally looked over his twin. Andrew was staring. His face was emotionless, but in his eyes, there was an intense look, looking at Aaron like he was trying to look for something. Something deep inside him that he was not ready to show yet. 

I’m an open book for you. He wanted to say. You can search all your life, and you will find nothing you have not known before . He wanted to say.

Silence in the room stretched. 

It seemed like even Betsy was thinking carefully about what to say to the twins. But the thing about therapies was that they had to be careful.

“Andrew, would you like to share with Aaron why you think that?” Betsy started the conversation. Bringing it back to the original statement. 

Aaron knew his brother had a special relationship with Betsy. Loyal enough to turn up to the sessions without a miss, and talk to her through everything he thought. It was a good thing. He was glad Andrew had someone in his life whom he trusted. So, he knew the look they shared seemed deeply personal, like having a conversation, without actually talking. Betsy knew Andrew in a way Aaron never got to know him, in a way Andrew never allowed him to know. And it all tasted sour for Aaron. Knowing that his brother would never reveal parts of himself. 

“He’s been going behind my back.” That’s what Andrew decided to say. Aaron nearly rolled his eyes, but he held back. 

Betsy nodded. “What do you mean by that, Andrew?” 

“He had a panic attack in the bathroom.” Andrew turned his accusing eyes to Aaron. Raising his eyebrows. “I was not aware he had panic attacks.” 

Aaron clenched his fists. “Does that happen often, Aaron?” Betsy asked.

Instead of answering, Aaron shrugged. 

Andrew scowled and looked away. “You see what I mean.” He said to Betsy. 

“I think it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed during situations like this,” Betsy said. “I would like to ask, why do you think it bothers you that you don’t know things about him?” 

Andrew was still, not really moving. A hot chocolate cup was cold and forgotten in front of him. “Nothing bothers me.” 

“But you still would like to know about Aaron, you booked this session so you could talk, why do you think that is?” 

Betsy was not really discreet, to forward in Aaron’s opinion. It could trigger Andrew, but surprisingly, Andrew just signed. 

“I made a deal to keep him safe. I can not protect him if I don’t know.” 

Aaron whipped his head towards his twin. Surprise bleeding out of his features. He could feel his ears ringing. 

“The deal is off.” He said monotonously, to remind himself more than to Andrew. 

“Don’t you think I know that” Deadpanned Andrew. “You got your cheerleader.” 

“Andrew,” Betsy started, eyebrows relaxed unlike the twins. “Would you like to elaborate on what you mean when you say that?” 

“Deal is off for Aaron,” Andrew said. Aaron, stunned and rendered speechless, could only nod along. “Not for me.”

 And oh. 

                     Oh. 

                                     Oh. 

 

Aaron hated the half-satisfied look on Betsy’s face. You could only notice it on the slightly lifted corners of her mouth and the little wrinkles around her eyes. He hated it. Hated being here. Hated the words that were leaving his twin. Which was a rare case, Aaron used to long for Andrew’s words. 

“You don’t want to bother with me,” Aaron said, the words rolling off awkwardly on his tongue, after thinking them repeatedly. He noticed, if you think about words enough, they start to sound weird. “That’s what you said when we broke the deal.” 

“I don’t want anything .” 

“Andrew, if you don’t like to share more about it today, we could end here and pick this topic back up in the next session.” Said Betsy. Aaron scowled at her. 

He’s not making sense. How can we finish here? 

Andrew got up without acknowledging any of them and left the room. Aaron was still stunned on the couch. Looking at Betsy. 

“You did great today, Aaron.” Betsy smiled at him. Aaron hated it. “I think it’s very brave that you let us see the part of yourself today that we did not know existed.” 

“I’m sure you have all that information in my records,” Aaron scoffed, “I hardly told you news.” 

Betsy hummed and tilted her head. “The thing about not talking is that, if you don’t talk, people often make assumptions about you. It’s always nice to give a glimpse of what you really think and who you really are. Don’t you think so, Aaron?” 

“I don’t really care what others make of me.” Aaron lied. To himself more than to Betsy. 

“That’s a very nice way of living, I think,” Betsy said sweetly. “You have more control than you think, Aaron. If you want people to see who you really are, your words are the way you can guide them.”

Aaron got up and left without further acknowledgment. His twin’s car was long gone from the parking lot. Melted snow stuck to his Converse when he made his way on the pavement.

Even the sky looked miserable today. Fucking miserable and fucking heartbreaking.

 

*** 

Aaron thinks that therapy is overrated. It does not make you feel better; in fact, it makes you feel worse. 

You see, Aaron thinks, all the therapists around the planet think that if you dig deep inside and get to know yourself, somehow you’ll magically feel better. You’ll be healthier and happier. That’s a load of bullshit. The way Aaron sees it, if you dig deep into yourself, you’ll just discover that you are a sad, ugly, and selfish piece of shit. How do you live with that then?

All therapy does is make you feel worse about yourself than you did before you walked into the room. Aaron knows he’s just a bunch of curse words and sadness, but no, Betsy needs to dig deeper and find out, Why do you think you feel sad, Aaron? Or why don’t you want to talk to other people, Aaron? And honestly, fuck that. 

Fuck therapy. 

He’s never left that office feeling lighter, or driving into fucking sunset. Before, when Andrew and Aaron were starting the therapy, and he would get so incredibly upset, he needed to distract himself to not do anything stupid, like crying, he would hang out with Kate. 

Kate knew all his right and wrong times. Like, after therapy, she would just hold his hand in a cafe, push the book between them, and say Read. Never asking questions, not really. She knew Aaron was incapable of answering anyway. 

Therapy was like a withdrawal in a way. All these amazing, spectacular feelings that your body barely holds after the high just break you and make you feel disgusting. In need of a scratch, like you want to open your own body and take out the organs one by one, to just bring back the electric fire inside you that you thought could light up the entire universe. 

That’s how Aaron thinks anyway. All the thoughts he only thinks when he’s alone, and in a mess of his own brain, are displayed in front of him. It’s like withdrawing and wanting to rip open your body. To just not be there. 

He couldn’t shake the session off his skin. Like Betsy had peeled something raw inside him. So, Aaron thought he could study to distract himself from everything that happened today, in that room. That’s when knock came to their door. Matt being out and Nicky in class, Aaron was alone. Frowning, he set down the book on the coffee table and made his way over to the door. 

Kevin’s hair was damp from the shower, and it curled on his neck. Very few driplets were disappearing in his hoodie. The green one, which matched the color of his eyes.

Aaron scowled. Remembering the dream that he’d been having lately. Kevin, carefree, young, and beautiful. It’s not like Aaron did not know Kevin was beautiful. Everybody and their mom probably knew that. But it’s one thing to know it distantly in your mind, and another to see it so vividly on display. To think about it. Wow, Kevin, not the exy star Kevin Day, but Kevin, just a boy Aaron used to share a dorm with, a boy who talks about history in secret, a boy that whines when he has a flu, a boy that eats all the greens in the world, and sleeps with his face in the pillow, Kevin, he is Beautiful. 

Shaking his head, Aaorn got rid of the stupid thoughts. The hell he cares if Kevin is pretty or not. Loads of people are pretty. Aaron does not give a shit about them. 

Scowling, Aaron said. “What are you doing here?” more bite into his voice than he intended.

Kevin looked at him with a matching scowl. “Andrew’s in a bad mood.” Like it explained things. Aaron raised his eyebrows. “They kicked me out,” elaborated Kevin. 

“What a fucking psychos,” Aaron fumed. “That’s your room, too. What the fuck.” 

“I guess,” Kevin shrugged. “Can I hang out here instead?” Aaron let him in, going back to the couch. 

Kevin slid off his bag and took out his laptop, a couple of blank papers, and books. “We can have a study session.” Kevin’s smile is a gentle thing. 

Aaorn shrugged. “What are you studying?” 

“East asian history,” Kevin’s eyes lit up. Aaron liked that Kevin was so passionate about his studies. Same way, he was about Exy. “It’s really cool. China specifically, they have this grave of an emperor, like, imagine this—an emperor dies, and instead of just a tomb, he gets buried with a whole army made out of clay. And not, like, copy-paste soldiers either. Every single one is different. Different faces, hairstyles, and even their armor have tiny details. It’s like they sculpted an actual snapshot of a whole army two thousand years ago and then froze it underground. And the wild part? They weren’t even meant to be seen . Nobody was supposed to walk in there and be like, ‘Oh, cool art exhibit.’ It was all just for the afterlife. Like the guy legit thought, ‘yeah, I’ll need twenty different kinds of archers when I’m dead.’ Tell me that’s not the most hardcore way to plan your eternity.” 

Nerd. That’s the first thing that came to Aaron’s mind to say, but he snapped his lips shut. “I don’t know why anyone wants to be remembered for an eternity,” Aaron says instead. 

“Because being forgotten seems very sad, don’t you think so?” Kevin looked at him.

“Not in my world,” Aaron said. “I would hate knowing that people, other people I don’t know and have never seen me would randomly think about me like that. Oh, see, that’s the guy who has thousands of soldiers in his grave. Sounds like shit to me.” 

“I want to be remembered when I die,” Kevin murmured, like he was thinking about it for the first time. 

“Oh, trust me, you will be remembered.” Aaron laughed. “I can already imagine how you’ll go down in history books - Kevin Day, Son of Exy. Your stupid picture on the whole page, and 75 papers dedicated only to your award list.” 

Kevin laughed, a beautiful sound.  “How will you go to history books, then, Dr. Minyard?” He asked.

“Only one of us is going down in history books, Kevin, and it sure isn’t me.”

“Loads of doctors get remembered for their achievements.” 

“Not like athletes, no.” Aaron shook his head. “You guys have memorials, special places in your names, and every new guy in the sport with talent gets measured up by the previous talent. No doctors are remembered after they stop working.” 

“But you will be, very talented and remembered doctor, won’t you, Aaron?” 

“That’s not what I’m aiming at, no.” Aaron shrugs. 

“I will remember you, don’t worry. The most talented doctor-athlete, Aaron Minyard.”

“I guess miracles do exist, because you just called me talented.” Aaron laughed in disbelief. 

“Yes, in medicine.” Kevin clarified with shit eating grin. A beautiful sight, really. “I wish you cared more about Exy; you would have such a bright future. You have the means.”

“Not interested, fuck you very much.” Aaron deadpanned. 

“But you’ve been practicing recently, and you’ve been improving.” 

“Yes, but that’s not because I care about Exy.” 

“I get that, but whatever the reason is, Aaron, this last game was incredible, you were actually very good. The way you were, fast, prepared, and calculating. It was a sight to  see, if you just decide to, I think you can be very, very good.” 

Groaning, Aaron went back to his books. “Don’t cream your pants.” 

“You’re so disgusting.” Kevin scowled. 

“Yes, well, I’m done talking about Exy now, Kevin. Go back to your history and study.” 

At the mention of his study, Kevin looked down at the book in his hands and smiled. Smiled. They were studying quietly, only on occasion, if Kevin would read something he found interesting, he would start stating random facts, and entertaining Aaron. It was a good distraction from Bio. 

At some point, Kevin abandoned his laptop and scattered notes and went fully into the book. Aaron's guess was, he was done with the assignment, but interested, so instead of studying only what was required, he went into the full book. 

It was comfortable, Aaron with his legs crossed on the couch, balancing the laptop on them, and typing, and Kevin leaning back to the couch sideways, his socked legs tucked under Aaron’s tights. Kevin even had his pair of black-frame glasses, and when he took it out of the bag and put it on his stupid face, Aaron scowled and typed with more force than necessary. 

Aaron was halfway done with his assignment when Matt came in. He grinned at them both and threw his bag near the door. Aaron internally rolled his eyes. 

“Dude, or dudes, I’m so beat.” He squizzed his gigantic body next to Aaron. “Wanna play?” 

Aaron hesitated. He was more than ready for a break, but did not want Kevin to feel left out since he was reading, and the noise would disturb him. As if reading his thoughts, Kevin looked up from the book and checked the clock. 

“I’m gonna go back, I think the storm has passed.” 

Aaron knew a thing or two about the storms, and if his twin was anything to know, he knew going back right now was not safe for Kevin. 

“No,” Aaron looked at Kevin. “I have to study some more. We can study in the room.” He looked back at Matt. “I really have to study, you can wait for Nicky tho, he’ll be back in a few.” 

Aaron and Kevin gathered their stuff and went to the room, shutting the door to Matt’s whining. Aaron got comfortable in his bed, and Kevin did the same on Aaron’s bed. 

They were studying for quite a while. A comfortable silence surrounded them, both lost in their own thoughts. Aaron almost flinched when Kevin’s phone rang. Frowning, he looked at the other man, who was lying on his stomach, a book placed on the pillow, reading intensely. 

He left after the call. Aaron guessed that the other occupants of the dorm asked him to come. Kevin just smiled at Aaron, a sweet smile, and left with his things. It did not matter, but studying suddenly didn’t seem like a good choice for Aaron. 

Nicky sneaked his head into the room, lightly knocking. “Did I just watch Kevin leave you room?” He asked with a smug smile. Aaron rolled his eyes. “You guys have been spending a lot of time together, haven’t you?” 

“Why do you look like a proud mother?” Aaron hissed. 

“That’s because I am. My baby is finally getting his first friend, and I am so proud.” Dramatics remained being great deal of Nicky’s personality. “Anyway, want to come with me to get coffee?” 

Aaron hated the idea of going out in the freezing weather. Nicky looked at him and whined. 

“Come on, baby, don’t let me go out alone.” 

“Fine, but we are also getting energy drinks.” He groaned, getting up.

“You should really tone down on those, Aaron.” Nicky tutted. 

Aaron agreed in his head. 

The walk was almost half an hour, and Aaron almost froze to death, but Nicky was good company. Talking about anything and everything. When Nicky got his coffee, and Aaron got his energy drinks from the side fridge, they quickly left. 

“So, heard you had a session today.” Nicky started, a fake, cheerful smile on his face. “How’d that go?” 

Aaron hated that he was immediately brought back to the room with his twin and Betsy. He hated it. Really, really hated therapy. 

“Just about as well as you can imagine, but Andrew said something weird, and I don’t know what to make of it, Nicky,” Aaron said suddenly, unable to control the thoughts and words. 

“Really, what did he say?” 

“He said that even tho the deal is done, and I got Kate, it’s not done for him.” 

Nicky hummed quietly and looked ahead. They were walking silently for a while. 

Aaron tried really hard not to think about it. If the deal was still on for Andrew, that meant he still had a say in everything Aaron did. Not that it was much of a problem now. Kate was no longer in the picture, and Aaron sure as hell was not keen on the idea of talking to other people. 

But Andrew did not go back on his word. When the deal was off, he said he would no longer bother with Aaron, and even tho Aaron wanted to shake his head, and beg to just be my brother, without the deal . He did not. He respected that his twin wanted nothing to do with Aaron. Hell, even he, himself, did not want to acknowledge his own existence sometimes, of course, Andrew didn’t. 

It was confusing. Being a brother was confusion. 

“Baby,” Nicky started suddenly, “Don’t you think that two of you actually want the same thing, but are unable to communicate it?” 

“What do you mean?” Aaorn frowned. 

“I think Andrew wants to be part of your life as much as you want to be part of his, but he thinks the only way to do that is by making a deal.” Nicky smiled sadly. “Maybe, he thinks, you don’t want to do anything with him outside of the deal, and that’s why he keeps going with it. To have an excuse to be in your life.” 

“I think that’s a fucking hopeful way to look at it.” Aaron shrugged. “But, fucking untrue. You were there, Nicky, even during the deal; he made it impossible to have a relationship. I did too. I know I was not the best person to be around back then, but fucking hell, it’s all so fucked.” 

“Don’t worry,” Nicky reassured him. “I believe it’s all gonna work out. I mean, look how far you’ve come.” 

“Fuck off, what are you, a life coach?” Aaron laughed. 

“Excuse you, I would make an excellent life coach!” Nicky said dramatically. “In fact, I think I should just drop out and start my own podcast. Erik could be the hot eye candy to lull the people in.” 

“Sure, only pervs would watch.” Mocked Aaron. 

“Pervs and you, right, baby?” 

“Not a chance in hell, Nicky. Not a chance in hell.” 

Aaron was grinning when he saw it. His whole face fell. “Kevin?” He called out. 

Kevin was stumbling around the door, without a jacket, only in his short-sleeved shirt. Aaron ran up to him. 

Something was wrong. 

“Where are you going?” He grabbed Kevin’s elbow, and Kevin snatched back. 

Taking a good look at his face, he saw red eyes, a slow frown, and unsteady feet Kevin was standing on. “Are you drunk? What the fuck, Kevin, slow down.” 

Aaron grabbed him again and made him stop. “‘M going to practice.” Kevin slurred. 

“Like this?” Aaron was shocked. 

Something was very, very wrong. 

“Let me go.” He tried to fight the dead grip. “I’m going to the practice.” 

“I left you for an hour, what the fuck?” Aaron could not get his thoughts in order. He knew the most important thing now was to take Kevin back to the room, away from the court, away from the danger. 

“Nicky, help.” Aaron looked at his cousin, and together they dragged Kevin into the elevator. “Hey, look at me.” Aaron caught Kevin’s chin to look him in the eyes. “What happened?” 

“Andrew is mad.” Kevin’s lip wobbled. His eyes were filled with water. He looked fucking miserable. 

Something squeezed Aaron’s heart, and he was unable to get air into his body. He hated seeing Kevin like this. He was doing so good. So good. He hadn’t drunk in almost a week and a half, and what? Andrew got mad at him and then left him unsupervised to drink? 

What the fuck. 

Aaron almost fumed with fury. “Okay, easy, Kevin.” He said when Kevin stumbled out of the elevator.

“Did he do something?” Nicky asked. Struggling under Kevin’s weight on his shoulders. “Are you hurt?” 

“My feelings are hurt.” Kevin could barely get the words out straight. 

“ Oh, Kevin.” Nicky was sad. So much sadness in him, Aaron got a whiplash. What were they doing? All of them, with their unresolved problems, just laying it on Nicky, who could barely hold his own baggage. 

What the fuck was going on? 

“Okay, Kevin, fuck, it’s okay. Let’s just go to sleep, yeah?” Aaron cooed like he was talking to a child. 

Kevin did look like a child now. Transparent tears running down his cheeks, hands shaking, and eyes red. 

“I want to practice,” Kevin cried harder. 

“I know, Kev, I know.” Aaron soothed him as Nicky helped Kevin onto Aaron’s bed. “It’s okay. You can just sleep now and practice in the morning, yeah?” Aaron took Kevin’s shaky hand in his own. 

Drunk Kevin was like the real Kevin that he kept under all his guards, coming out. A little child. Broken little child. Aaron was not sure why Kevin crying and making himself small hurt so much.

“Will you come with me?” 

“Of course.”

Aaron helped Kevin get comfortable under the covers. “Bring him water?” He pleaded with Nicky. His cousin left immediately. 

Kevin’s tears were drying up on his cheeks. Aaron helped with his sleeve. 

“He’s mad at me. I think,” Kevin murmured. Words sloppy. 

“Andrew?” 

“Uh-uh,” Kevin hummed. “When I went to the room, it was so tense. And Neil was watching the game, so I thought, okay, Kevin, let’s try to start the conversation, so it’s not awkward. And I started talking to Neil about the game, and he was distracted, and constantly looking at Andrew, and I thought, okay, so maybe I should not talk. And then Andrew got upset, not that you notice it, when he’s upset, but Neil got up with the jacket, probably going with him for a smoke, and I said, Okay, I’ll just watch the game and tell you what happens later. And I think it was the last straw, I was annoying him with my talking, and he said,” Kevin coughed, “Neil said to just shut up, Kevin. For once, just shut up. And I got mad, because I was not even trying to talk to him, I just said I’d watch the game. And I said something to him, I think something mean. But I really don’t remember. And then Neil, he started to run his mouth, and yeah, it’s Neil, and he can not control his mouth, but why was he fighting with me? I didn’t even do anything. You know? And so, Neil said, that was the reason no one wanted to talk to me, and I said, Many people want to talk to me, fuck you. And he smirked, and said, Really, like who? And I thought, and I really thought hard, and no one was coming to my mind, but I said, Well, I was just at Aaron’s. We were talking really fine. And then, Andrew got by the couch really fast, like I did not notice how he got there, really fast, and he was really mad, really, really mad. And said, he’s just pitying you. He does not want to talk to you. And I thought, well, they are wrong. Because you want to talk to me, right? I always want to talk to you.” Kevin coughed again, catching his breath. “And I came here, to, I don’t know, ask you, and you were gone. So, I went back and I drank. I didn’t really want to, but it was just there, you know? And then I thought, okay, I’m going to practice now. And that’s how you found me.” 

“That fuck. God, I’m going to kill him.” Aaron continued fuming. 

“Who, Andrew?” 

“Him, too.” Aaron agreed. “But mostly that ginger fucker.” 

“Okay, I’m down.” Kevin smiled. He was way too drunk, and his emotions switched from crying to being happy instantly. Aaron smiled back. 

“How is he?” Nicky came with the water. 

“I’m fine, Nicky,” Kevin answered. Nicky looked at them both and sighed. 

“So, what happened, Kev?” He asked. 

“Andrew’s mad at me,” Kevin replied, yet again, his voice wavering. 

“He’s not mad at you,” Aaron frowned, “He’s just a spiteful bastard, okay, Kevin? He’s mad at me. Today,” Aaron paused, thinking about his words. “We got into a kind of fight, and he’s mad at me, and that shithead took it out on you. Don’t let it get to you, okay?” 

“‘M kay.” Kevin agreed, snuggling into the pillow. “But, Neils mad tho.” He chirped, “like really, properly mad.” 

“Oh, that fucker can go fuck himself, no one cares what he thinks, right?” 

Kevin’s lazy smile was a sight to see. 

“Yes, Kev, fuck him, really.” Aaron said excitedly, making Kevin smile even brighter, “That dysfunctional fuck does not get to be mad at you for talking, are you kidding me? All he does is talk, and talk, and talk. He’s a professional blubberer.” Kevin giggled. 

Aaron liked how happy he was making Kevin feel. 

“Well, I’m with Aaron on this one, Kev,” Nicky agreed. “You know the two of them, they probably had something going on. It’s not your fault, okay?”

“‘M okay,” Kevin said. “I think I’m going to sleep now.” He hugged the pillow with one hand. Aaron let go of the hand he was still holding and got up. 

“Drink water first, okay?” He handed the water to Kevin, who did not complain. 

Nicky took the empty cup to the kitchen. Aaron put the energy drinks in the drawer, too lazy to take them out, and got into his pajamas, getting into bed next to Kevin. 

“Aaron?” Kevin asked suddenly. Facing away from him, still hugging the pillow. 

“Yeah?”

“Was I right?” He asked, his voice sleepy. “You want to talk to me, yes?” 

Aaron heard his own heart breaking for Kevin. Suddenly, he hated everyone in the world who made him feel small and insecure. Who put the doubts in his head? Stupid question. Aaron knew growing up in a cult did a lot of damage to Kevin as a person.

“Yes, Kev, I want to talk to you all the time, too,” Aaron replied. 

Before sleep took him, Aaron’s mind wandered to all the weird places. He thought about Andrew, how upset he was. He thought about therapy, about how Nicky believed they could make it work. He thought about Kevin, Kevin, who was sleeping next to him, and murmuring in his sleep from time to time. He thought, How insecure Kevin was. He thought about his own insecurities. 

He thought about what a fucking broken place they grew up in and how it messed them up. The world’s backwards like that. The ones who should hate themselves don’t, and the ones who shouldn’t can’t stop.

Crawling closer to Kevin, Aaron slept dreamlessly for the first time in a while.

Notes:

Okay, can anyone tell I've been re-reading Benjamin Alire Sáenz recently?
This might be my favorite chapter of all, btw.
And thank u so much for reading.

Chapter 8: Chapter 7

Notes:

Bet you already guessed it, but songs of the chapters are:
1. Martha Wainwright - bloody mother fucking asshole;
2. Cage The Elephant - Cigarette Daydreams (during TWINYARDs)
3. Radiohead - no surprises. (ha, surprise!)
4. Pixies - Where is my mind (Durink Neil/Aaron)
5. The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever

These are just the songs I listened to when writing, feel free to mix it up as u wish <3

Poetry has no place for a heart that's a whore
And I'm young and I'm strong
But I feel old and tired
Overfired
And I've been poked and stoked
It's all smoke, there's no more fire
Only desire
For you, whoever you are

 

Aaron would like to know if life will ever get easier. Like, all those thoughts racing in his head will quiet down sometime, or all the feelings he feels will ever stop being so intense. Because he’s tired, okay? Sometime around right about now, he would like to just breathe easily and not feel like the world is splitting his heart in two. 

Because that’s how he felt now—with Kevin curled up beside him, breath warm against his throat, the scent of vodka and mint shampoo hanging heavy in the air. And yes. Aaron was the one who deliberately let Kevin sleep here for the second time. But at least, back then, Kevin was already awake when Aaron woke up. Not dead to the world, like right now. Kevin was peaceful in his sleep. A rare sight, really.

Grunting, Kevin groaned and opened one eye. “Aaron?” 

“Mhm,” Aaron hummed. 

Kevin’s morning voice was deep. His hair soft and falling close to his queen tattoo. Maybe, Aaron thought, longer hair suited Kevin better, since the ends were curling and it looked like that fucking Hollywood hairstyle. But fuck that. 

“Head hurts,” Kevin mumbled. 

“That’s what you get for a hangover, Kevin.” And really. Kevin should be aware of it now, shouldn’t he? Going down the path of alcoholism, he should know the pros (none) and cons (hangovers, blurred vision, fast-tracked death).

Kevin said something that was muffled by the pillow he was hugging. Aaron groaned, getting up to get water for him. Kevin drowned it in one go and said a quick thank you. Stretched and immediately winced because of a headache. 

“Wanna go for a run with me?” 

Aaron hated the idea, but because Kevin was here, hugging the pillow, looking soft and kind of pissed off, Aaron thought he could bear to be active for once. 

“Fine, but only because I promised you last night.”

Morning run is really not the ideal way to start the day. 

 

*** 

After Kevin won the competition for the world’s quickest shower, once again, and Aaron got into his sporty outfit, they ran around the campus. Encountering only a couple of stray students. 

Kevin slowed down because of him a couple of times; his breathing was even, compared to Aaron’s heavy and very loud screeching. After, Kevin led him to some sort of health guru place, where everything was green and organic. Aaron hated it. 

He only got one black coffee, while Kevin got something looking disgustingly orange. Huffing, Aaron almost snapped at Kevin when he went on and on about the healthy benefits of vegetables. But he held back, because even tho Kevin was coming off as a righteous teacher reading a lecture to a kid, he knew Kevin was really trying to straighten out Aaron on health’s way. To which Aaron had to say, fuck that shit. 

He was a drug addict for fuck’s sake. Since before he knew what the word addict meant. A healthy lifestyle was not something made for him to try. 

“What’s the plan for the day?” Kevin asked when they were heading back to the campus. 

“Well, I have a couple of classes before practice,” Aaron shrugged, “And after practice, I think I’ll have so much studying to do, I won’t be able to get a wink of sleep tonight.” Kevin hummed. “What about you?” Aaron asked.

“Allison and I are going to the mall after the practice,” He said. “And then I’ll have to study too.” 

Aaron was aware that Allison and Kevin were closer this year than in any previous year. He could tell by the way they would hang back after practice, alone on the court or in the lounge. Kevin sometimes even accompanied Josten when he went into the girls' room to get his make-up done. And, once, as Nicky told Aaron, Allison even convinced Kevin to do his make-up. They had hung a picture of Kevin with full glam, faint green eyeshadow, and hair pushed back with a cat’s ears hairband, smirking to the camera, in the lounge. It only stayed until Kevin came to practice and vanished the picture. Looking pissed off and embarrassed at the same time. 

He also knew, because there was a bet going on that Nicky tried to involve him in, that Allison and Kevin often stayed over. Well, only Kevin, because Andrew could barely tolerate upperclassmen on a good day, at a distance. 

Kevin and Allison looked good together. Two rich and beautiful people. It totally made sense on paper, but somehow, Aaron could not believe it to be true. That’s what he told Nicky, too. That they probably were not together. Because, knowing Kevin, it just did not make sense for Aaron. Nicky called him oblivious, and that was that. 

“Maybe you wanna come with, Aaron?” Kevin asked. 

Aaron shook his head. Going on a morning run with Kevin seemed like an apology enough for him. Aaron did not know why he felt responsible for Kevin’s fight, but Andrew’s lashing out after his session seemed like a reason enough, and he could do nothing with the guilt sitting heavily in his stomach. 

Kevin seemed like he wanted to say something more, maybe ask Aaron again, but he closed his mouth. Opening it up next second to fall into a ramble about his classes, and random history facts he found interesting. 

Like, “Aaron, did you know that in ancient China, before surgery or wound cleaning, they used heated wine to sterilize?”

“What’s with you and your newfound obsession with China?” Aaron laughed. 

“Well, east asian history is the main subject this semester,” Kevin shrugged, “And it’s pretty interesting.” 

Aaron agreed. Even though he had no interest in history himself, he did enjoy hearing random facts a little. 

After saying goodbye to Kevin, Aaron got ready and headed to his classes for the day. He felt rested, and as much as he hated to admit, morning run did give him a boost of energy. 

He was focused on the board, writing down the notes, when someone slid into the seat next to him. Aaron glanced over. 

“Hi,” The girl smiled. It was the same girl who asked him to join the study group. Aaron fought the frown on his face. 

“Hi.” 

“Did I miss much?” She asked. 

“Nope, we just started,” Aaron replied. 

“Nice, thank you.” Her smile was sweet and kind. Aaron felt bad for bolting out on her the other day. 

Awkwardly smiling, he asked. “Do you still have an open place in your study group?” mentally hating the wording, his voice, and the way his eyebrows rose a little. 

“Yes, Aaron.” Her smile widened. Aaron was not sure how she knew his name, but he sure as fuck did not know her’s so he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “You can give me your number and I’ll text you dates and times.” 

“Sure,” Aaron gave her his phone. She quickly wrote the number down under the name of Tessa and gave it back. 

“I’m glad you changed your mind,” She offered at last, and both of them concentrated back on the professor. 

Classes dragged, and when Aaron made it to the practice, almost everyone was changed and ready. Matt gave him raised eyebrows.

“Where were you, man?” he asked. 

Groaning, Aaron started changing. “Classes,” he answered. 

“How did you get here?” 

“I walked.”

“Your poor muscles, dude, take it easy on the practice.” 

“Like it’s up to me,” Aaron grumbled. “Did you wait for me for long?” He asked Matt apologetically. Matt usually drove Aaron to practice. 

“Nah, man, 10 minutes max, and Nicky said you’d probably already be here.” 

Matt and Aaron made their way to the court together. Kevin was going off to one of the freshmen, and when Aaron passed by, he just raised his eyebrows as recognition. Nicky was with Josten and Andrew. Aaron did not even glance their way. Girls were huddled together, in all armour, waiting to start. 

Wymack shouted across the court to get their shit moving, and Dan and Josten went into motion of ordering drills to others.

Matt was so right. Aaron’s poor muscles. By the time the practice finished, he could barely stand on his feet. 

Shower relaxed his skin. He emerged with the determination to maybe, if he was so lucky, nap before studying. Him and Matt were alone today on their ride, since Dan and Reene both went with Allison and Kevin to the mall. Aaron could barely keep his eyes open the whole ride. 

“You’re pretty beat, dude.” Matt laughed. “Did Kevin keep you up late last night?” 

Aaron whipped his head to the driver’s seat to get a good look at Matt and his playful expression. “What are you talking about?” He hissed. 

“No need to get angry, my man, we do share a room. I saw you two in the morning.” 

“But you were staying with Dan last night,”

“Yeah, had to get stuff in the morning, and saw you two cuddling together. It was a, really, really cute sight. Dan thinks so, too.” 

“Dan was there, too?” Aaron whined. 

“No, I showed her a picture.” 

“Get that disgusting smug smile off your face, Matthew.” Aaron groaned. “He was just drunk, and he had a fight with Josten and Andrew.” 

“Uh-uh, and you offered your bed. That’s cute,” Matt cooed. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Aaron said, putting his head in his hands. He could feel the blush rising on his neck. “He needed help, so I helped him.” He murmured, “And what picture are you talking about?” 

“You and Kevin, cuddling. I took it this morning. Wanna see?” 

“You are such a creep, I swear you have a folder full of my asleep pictures.” Aaron groaned again. Matt already had a gallery of Aaron sleeping in every humiliating position possible. “Delete it right now.” He demanded with a deep voice for a good measure.

“Hey, stop that, right now.” Mock scolded Matt. “It’s okay. It’s a cute picture. I can send it if you want.” 

“Delete it. Do not send shit, and do not show it to anyone.” 

“Too late,” Matt smiled. Coughing awkwardly, he glanced at Aaron. “So, you two, it’s a thing?” He asked. 

“Oh, god,” Aaron moaned in pain. “No, Matthew. We are just friends.” 

“Friends who sleep together?” Matt offered. 

“No.” 

“Hey, I mean, it’s cool. I still think you can do better, but nice catch for Kevin.” Matt briefly raised his hands from the wheel. 

“As if,” Scoffed Aaron. 

Matt seemed silent for a moment. Glancing at Aaron with a shit-eating grin, and then started. “Aaron and Kevin, Sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G” 

“I will gut you in your sleep,” Aaron warned. 

“Gee, and they say your brother is violent.” 

“Don’t forget, I know how to kill a man.” Aaron deadpanned. 

“I don’t know about that, but I might die from your cute blush; it’s blinding me.” 

“Oh my god, quit this, right now.” 

To Aaron’s further misery, Matt did not stop the jokes. Did not even tone down, and he seemed to really like the tune of the song, so he kept singing " Aaron and Kevin, sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G”.

“Want me to carry you up the stairs?” Matt offered once they were standing in front of the elevator that was taking too fucking long, and Aaron sighed for the 11th time. 

“There’s no fucking way I’m going up those stairs, Matt.” His legs were killing him. 

“That’s why I’ll carry you.” 

“Okay, calm down, big guy.” Aaron slightly stepped back, and when he saw the mischievous look on Matt’s face, he added. “No, Matty, No.” 

But Matt grabbed Aaron and threw him over his shoulders. Starting on the stairs. It’s not like it was hard compared to their height differences. Aaron let out a high-pitched squawk after being lifted in the air and hit Matt on his back. 

“Put me down, oh god.” Matt was shaking with laughter, and Aaron could feel his entire face flushing from embarrassment. He kept hitting Matt’s back, but was not prepared for the tickle on his side. 

Hysterically laughing, he kept fidgeting. “You are going to drop me.” 

“Not gonna happen.” 

They successfully made it to their floor, and Aaron was breathless from laughing so hard. “Put me down,” He whined once again and threw into a fit of embarrassing giggles. 

“Let him go, Boyd.” 

Hearing Andrew’s warning, both of them sobered up. Aaron quickly slid down Matt’s arms and took a look at Andrew. He was standing on the staircase, clearly on his way to a roof. His face storm of emotions, and giving none away, if not for the flash of his eyes. Aaron quickly stood in front of Matt, shielding him from Andrew. 

His twin’s hand was on his armband. Aaron’s whole face heated up with embarrassment at being seen like that, and the scene Andrew was about to cause. 

“No.” He said, and eyed the silver flash of the knife. “No.” He said again. “We were just playing around.” 

“You told him-” Andrew started, but Aaron cut him off. 

“I know what I told him, we were just playing around.” 

Andrew considered him for a long moment. He got close to Aaron and took his jaw in his hands, examining his face. Aaron’s heart was beating painfully fast, and he could barely conceal the flinch. 

Andrew finally let go of Aaron, seeing nothing on his face, and got close to Matt. The silver flash of the knife made Matt raise his hands in surrender. “It’s all cool, dude, chill.”

Soon, the knife was pressed against Matt’s shirt, and Aaron let out a distressed sound. “Let him go.” He demanded. His hands were shaking by his side, useless. 

Andrew could barely reach Matt’s abdomen, for fuck’s sake. The whole thing was fucking ridiculous.

“Touch him again,” Andrew said to Matt, threat visible in his voice. 

“What the fuck, dude?” Matt did not really seem scared, more like shocked. “I’m not going to do anything to him; you can calm down.”

“Andrew, let him go!” Aaron got dangerously close to his twin and could feel Andrew tensing. Finally, Andrew let Matt go, and the knife disappeared between his armbands. 

“I see everything,” Finally, Andrew said to Matt. 

He turned to look at Aaron dead in the face and said, “Roof.” Disappearing up the stairs fast enough. 

Aaron sagged in Matt’s arms. Finally taking a breath. 

“Fuck,” He realized he was shaking all over. “Fuck, god.” 

“Hey, it’s okay, dude, don’t freak out on me now.” Matt shook him slightly. “Aaron, my man.” 

“Fuck Matt, I’m sorry.” He murmured miserably. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, dude, don’t worry,” Matt said sympathetically to Aaron’s freak out. “I'm used to it by now.” 

“Fuck.” 

“You better go,” Matt said, “Text me if you need anything.” 

 

*** 

Aaron barely dragged his limbs on the steps. The roof was deserted, aside from Andrew and Josten sitting close by the edge. The wind wildened their hair, and both faces were flushed. The smell of rain was thick in the air, clouds swallowing the skyline.

Andrew was smoking lazily, and Josten held the lit cigarette in his hand, not taking a drag. Aaron sourly remembered the cravings he’s been having. If he could smoke again, maybe he would be calmer and not as fidgety as he was lately. 

Josten turned his head and looked at Aaron with curiosity in his eyes. Aaron merely rolled his eyes, disregarding the redhead. Andrew wasn’t even glancing at Aaron, staring at the distance like it owed him something.

“Go away,” Andrew said finally, voice flat. Aaron nearly turned back down, ready to leave and never come out again, when Josten flicked the burned-down butt to the parking lot and got on his feet.

He snarled at Aaron on the way. “Idiot.” 

Aaron was ready to throw the punches, but the little liar disappeared immediately behind the door. Aaron sat next to his twin, taking Josten’s place. 

The wind cut sharply against his face, bringing the sting of rain. His heart was stupidly dancing in his chest, Nicky’s words from yesterday bleeding into his brain.

Andrew wants to be part of your life as much as you want to be part of his. 

Highly unlikely, but then again, this was Andrew. No one knew what was going on in his head. Aside from maybe Josten, and honestly, fuck that. 

“What?” Aaron snapped. Andrew flicked ash down on the concrete.

He took out the cigarette and held it out to him along with the lighter. To say Aaron was shocked would be an understatement. His fingers shook as he took it, wind tugging at his sleeves. The lighter kept clicking uselessly against the wind until Andrew let out a small sound of annoyance and cupped his hands around the flame for him.

Finally, lighting the cigarette, Aaron took a drag and could almost physically feel the smoke burning down his throat, curling through his lungs like an anchor.

“Boyd,” Andrew said suddenly, voice low. “Explain.”

“What’s there to explain?” Aaron asked, surprised.

Andrew’s jaw twitched. “Don’t be smartass,” He grumbled. 

It was almost like he was willing to have a real conversation with Aaron, and honestly, it was confusing. They went months without saying a word to each other, and suddenly, his twin was up and about in his business. 

Defensively, Aaron just shrugged. “Nothing was going on. I was tired, and the elevator was not coming. He said he would carry me up the stairs. End of the story.” 

“You asked him to let you go.” Andrew pointed out. Still refusing to look at Aaron. 

And fuck. 

“I hate that your first instinct is to protect me from that,” Aaron whispered. “Because nothing was going on. We were just joking around. And, don’t get me wrong,” Aaron turned to Andrew. “I understand why your mind went there in the first place, but fuck Andrew. You held a knife against him, ready to cut him open. Without even listening to me.” 

Andrew tensed beside him. Hand frozen halfway to his mouth. Aaron should not have mentioned anything.

“Funny,” he said after a beat. “I got the impression he wasn’t harmed.”

Aaron barked out a laugh that sounded more like breaking glass. “What, are you expecting a thank you for not slicing him open?”

“I don’t expect anything from you.”

Those words hit like a sucker punch. Aaron turned away so Andrew wouldn’t see his face. The rain picked up, cold needles prickling his skin. He took another drag, tasting ash and anger.

He wanted to ask What do you mean, Andrew? But, he was not Betsy. And he was surely not ready for the answers. 

“You didn’t tell me about the cheerleader.” Andrew started out of nowhere. 

“We are not that kind of brothers who share break-up stories, now, are we?” 

“You broke the deal for her, and now what?” his twin raised eyebrow. Voice low.

“You had Neil, too,” Aaron shot back, flicking the cigarette over the edge. “Don’t be a fucking hypocrite.”

Andrew grew quiet. “Do I need to kill her?” 

Aaron felt the raindrops running down his cheeks, soaking his shirt and clinging cold against his spine. “It’s gonna rain. We should go back,” he muttered. Then, quieter, “Don’t you dare touch her. She is no part of this, and you need to leave her alone.”

Andrew hummed. “Go away.” He said, looking at Aaron for the first time. Hair getting wet from the rain, eyes hollow, and a cigarette almost burnt in his fingers. “Get Neil.” 

Aaron stood, every muscle trembling with adrenaline and something else he couldn’t name. His chest was tight, throat raw.

Josten was sitting on the staircase, texting on his phone. He looked up at Aaron, and his face changed instantly. 

“It’s you. Oh, joy.” Josten mocked. 

“Fuck off.” 

“What, did you cry again?” Josten asked. 

“Keep your ugly nose out of my business.” Aaron hissed, bumping into him on purpose and getting down the stairs. 

“What business, you miserable fuck? You can’t even say a word to Andrew, too busy pitying yourself.” 

Aaron’s pulse jumped. “What the fuck do you even know?”

“Oh, I know plenty.” Josten was on his feet now, voice hard enough to rattle. “You don’t even bother to make an effort for him.”

“Make an effort? For what, exactly? He does not care about efforts.” Aaron tried to keep walking, but Neil’s footsteps slammed behind him, each one a hit to the back of his skull.

“What, you don’t think he cares about you?” Josten’s words cracked like a whip. “Have you ever actually used your brain? For all the studying, you’re so fucking dumb. Everything he did, he did to protect you. He protected you from Drake. He went to juvie because of you—because that sick fuck said—” Neil cut himself off, breath shaking before he came back harder. “He decided to stay the moment he saw you were in trouble. He was ready to die if it meant keeping your mother away from you! He did everything to protect you, do you get that? Do you even know what it cost him to expose himself in that court like that? And what, you’re too busy wallowing in self-pity to open your fucking eyes?” Aaron’s throat felt raw, but Neil wasn’t done. “He’s been here all this time, trying. Grow up, Aaron. You are not thirteen anymore. You are no longer stuck in a house with your addict, abusive mother.”

Josten looked him up and down, catching his breath. “You’re so busy proving you don’t need him that you’ve never once wondered if he needed you.” He added, voice low and disgusted. Aaron’s hoodie was heavy with rain. It was choking him. “I don’t even know what he sees in you. If it were me, I’d drop you a long time ago.” 

And then he was gone, footsteps pounding back up the stairs, leaving Aaron in the silence that followed.

Aaron stood there, frozen in place, unable to say anything. 

What do you mean? He wanted to scream until his throat bled. He wanted to rip his body open and tear out his heart, just so it would stop beating so loud. He wanted to march up to Andrew and demand the answers - Fuck, just talk to me. For once, talk to me. 

By the time he forced his body toward his room, tiny raindrops sliding down his cheeks tasted like salt.

*** 

“How come it’s always you who ends up finding me here?” Aaron’s voice was a little hoarse and tight. 

Kevin made a surprised sound, “Pure coincidence for other times; Determination for today. I was looking for you.” 

The deserted Foxhole court looked rather lonely. Or, Aaron thought so today. The lights illuminated the place, and it was all  seats waiting to be filled out and hollow emptiness. Fucking miserable, if you looked closely. 

Aaron was lying on the floor, tired bones aching, sweat breaking out from his skin. Kevin, however, looked fresh and beautiful . Dressed in his casual clothes, he stood over Aaron with a small shine in his eyes. 

“Why were you looking for me?” 

“I haven’t seen you around much.” Kevin shrugged, pulling Aaron to his feet. 

Aaron felt the sensation of eyes going dark and stars sparkling. Tired, he waited a couple of seconds before opening them again. Vision clear now. Kevin was looking at him with a frown. 

“You okay?” he asked quietly. Eyes so full of worry. 

“Yup, just stood up quickly.” Aaron dismissed him and started for the changing rooms, Kevin following behind. 

“Anyways, Allison says I have to invite you.” Kevin continued. 

“Invite me where?” 

The changing rooms were cold, and Aaron took off his clothes quickly, facing Kevin’s back. Taking a towel with him, he made his way to the shower rooms. Hot water immediately relaxed his muscles, and Aaron barely held back a satisfied groan. 

“Beach, we are going today. She says it’s a tradition, but that’s bullshit.” Kevin’s voice was a little hard to distinguish with the running water. 

“Why’d you go on a beach in winter?” Aaron called back. 

“I don’t know. She says we should.” Aaron could swear Kevin was shrugging. “And she says we have to bring you with us.” 

“Why?” 

“Allison wants what she wants, and she never explains why.” Kevin all but whined.

Aaron turned off the water, slipped the towel around his waist, and opened the door. Kevin was leaning on the opposite wall. His eyebrows shot up when he saw Aaron emerging and quickly avoided his stare. Looking at the ceiling, his queen tattoo was glowing in the light. 

Aaron started pulling on clothes. “Is Matt coming?” 

“Nope. Just Renee, Allison, and me.” Kevin said. “And, well, you. If you decide to.” 

“Why would you go on a beach in winter, in pure dead night?” 

“I don’t know. But you should come.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I want you to?” Kevin’s smile was a gentle thing. Small, soft, and pulling at the corners of his eyes. Almost shy. 

And how could Aaron ever say no to that? 

“Okay.” 

 

*** 

Allison’s pink convertible was parked next to the court. Aaron has never been in her car, and to be honest, he was not sure why he was there now. 

Kevin slowed down next to him as they made their way to the car and looked at him. “Where were you yesterday?” He asked, almost whispering. “I came over to yours, but Matt said you were out.” 

“I was at a library.” Aaron really was. Until they asked him to please leave, we are closed. He did not wanna be around dorms, could not stomach looking at Matt, and the idea that he might have to talk to Andrew or Josten again. He knew the tension was all over the place, and instead of thinking about it, he decided to temporarily live at the library. 

Allison honked as they got close and yelled. “Move on with it, what are you, the tortoise and the hare?” Aaron rolled his eyes. 

Renne was sitting on the passenger’s side. smiling softly in their direction. Only the ends of her rainbow hair were visible under the pink beanie. Her cheeks were tinted pink with cold, matching her beanie. 

Allison, on the other hand, looked perfect as ever. Her long platinum blonde hair was in curls. She had a fur white hat and matching gloves. She flicked her hair in a practiced motion when they opened the door. 

“Get in, losers, we’re going to the beach.” She smiled. 

Aaron thought no ride could be as awkward as Andrew’s lot. He was right. Because this ride was surprisingly not tense. Renee, Allison, and Kevin were talking about the beach, occasionally asking Aaron things. Some were more rude than others. Allison , more rude than others.

“I heard you broke up with McKenzie,” She looked at Aaron in the rearview mirror. 

“Eyes on the road.” Renee reminded her sweetly. Allison huffed, but turned her eyes back on the road. 

Aaron shrugged. Definitely not in the mood to discuss Kate with her. Or, anyone, for that matter. Kevin fell silent beside him. Looking at him from the corner of his eye. 

“Okay, mister mysterious,” Allison smirked. “We do have a bet going on, though, so you owe us to settle the winnings.” 

“What the fuck,” Aaron mumbled. He almost forgot how obsessed foxes were with each other’s personal lives. “I owe you shit.” He added for good measure. 

“Aw, Minyard. Don’t be so secretive, I have a good money riding on it.” 

Aaron looked at Kevin, who was already looking at him, and wondered why he had agreed to come with him. Kevin smiled sympathetically and mouthed Bitch at Aaron. Aaron smiled despite himself. 

“I saw that, Day!” Allison laughed. Aaron was a little surprised they were at ease. 

“Well, I hardly said news.” Kevin looked bored. 

“True,” Allison agreed, “But whispering in public is rude. If you want to call me bitch, you have to do it in my face.” 

“Noted for next time.” Kevin flicked his fingers. 

Aaron was surprised at their dynamic, looking at Renee, who smiled at him. “You’ll get used to it.” She reassured. 

Kevin and Allison's bickering was surprisingly sassy. As the road stretched, they went back and forth, calling each other names and making rude comments. But, for some weird reason, Kevin looked at ease. His shoulders were relaxed, mouth constantly upright, in a smirk or genuine laugh, and eyes bright. 

Aaron liked this version of Kevin. Which was not surprising, because recently, Aaron liked almost all versions of Kevin. Even the Exy-obsessed Kevin.

The beach was wet and disgusting. But, thankfully, the upperclassmen came prepared. Renee laid a blanket over the sand, and Kevin carried a full basket.

Allison had alcohol and gave it to Aaron and Renee. Kevin got a glare in turn when he asked for one beer. Aaron felt bad. 

“One fuck up is enough for the week,” Allison told him sternly. 

“Bitch,” Kevin murmured. 

“Well, this bitch is helping you, so you better shut up.” 

Renee took out some healthy drinks and handed them to Kevin. “Bought it for you,” Renee said, “I have more if you want.” He looked at Aaron. 

Out of newfound solidarity for Kevin, Aaron agreed. Drinks tasted like shit. 

“So, why are we here, freezing our asses off?” Aaron asked when everyone was looking at the waves. 

It was nice. The sound was calming, the breeze a little biting and cold, but somehow it was beautiful. Aaron wished there were stars out, but the sky was covered with dark clouds. 

“Well,” Allison started, “Kevin has been talking about you.” She pointedly looked at Aaron, assessing him. 

“I have not,” Kevin protested. 

“Yes, you have. And it was very annoying. Aaron this, Aaron that. Disgustingly cute tho. Can’t believe Kevin has friends now.” She emphasised the word ‘friends’ as if it were a mockery. “You see,” She started, eyes mischievous, “I claimed Kevin as my pet project, turned out there is a lot of potential. So, now, it’s my turn to test you.” 

“Allison,” Renee warned softly. 

“Okay, maybe pet project is not the right word, but whatever, he is mine to play with for now.” 

“Oh, that’s not…” Renee started, then gave up midway and took a drink.

“Mind you,” Kevin pointed out, “You were the one who slipped into my bed in the middle of the night.”

“Well, everyone has their weak moments.” Allison rolled her eyes. “Irrelevant to the subject.” 

“Sure, your majesty.” Kevin snorted. 

“So, back to the main point of the night, Aaron.” Allison’s eyes were like a hawk, pointed at him. “Let’s get to know each other.”

“We already know each other,” Aaron grumbled.

“Nope, we do not. I only know you as a puppy trailing along—” she flicked her wrist, searching for a word that would irritate him— “ Psycho helplessly. Hopefully that’s not the same as knowing you.”

Kevin huffed a quiet laugh like he couldn’t help it. Allison sent him a look that said Don’t. He pressed his lips together and stared out at the water.

Renee’s voice floated over from the dune where she was fitting short tubes into the sand. “If you two are starting that game, give me two minutes. I want to see his face.”

“What game?” Aaron asked.

“Truth or truth,” Allison said, smug already, like victory was inevitable. “Fair, fast, and no whining.”

“Hard pass.”

“Not optional,” she said, because of course it wasn’t with her. “Ground rules: no weaponizing later, Kevin. One skip per person. No lying.” She tipped her chin toward Renee. “She’ll know.”

Renee didn’t deny it. She just smiled, hands steady while she twisted a fuse into place. “I won’t tell on you,” she said, “but I will be disappointed.” Her eyes were soft on Aaron.

Aaron made a face at that. Wind nipped through his jacket, and he pulled it tighter, watching the surf chew at the shore. The sand under his shoes squeaked. He could have said no and walked away. 

Allison spun one of the sparklers between her fingers like a conductor’s baton. “We’ll start easy,” she said. “That way, your sulking doesn’t ruin the vibe.”

Kevin snorted again, quieter.

“Color,” Allison announced like a judge, pointing the sparkler at Aaron as if it were a gavel. “Favorite.”

“Gray,” Aaron said, deadpan.

Allison made an offended noise. “Tragic.”

“It’s neutral,” he said.

“Exactly,” she said, pleased for some reason. “Mine’s chrome. Shiny and unignorable. Kevin?”

Kevin didn’t look away from the water. “Cadmium green.”

Allison blinked. “Pretentious.”

“Specific,” Kevin corrected, mouth tugging. “Your turn to ask.”

“Fine,” she said. “Truth for truth.” She pointed at Kevin now. “How many times this week did you think about drinking when no one was looking?”

Kevin’s shoulders ticked up; Aaron saw it. He also saw Allison’s face settle, all that glittering ease click into something firm and careful.

“Every day,” Kevin answered.

“How many times did you do it?” Allison asked, gentler.

Kevin shook his head once. “Once.” He looked over at Aaron like that fact wanted an audience. “Aaron found me.”

Aaron’s jaw went tight. “Good,” Aaron said. He cleared his throat. “My question.”

Allison set her sparkler down unlit, hands empty. She looked very pleased with herself. “Make it count.”

“Why’d you invite me?” Aaron asked because it had been chewing at him since the locker room. “Really.”

Allison considered him. “Because Kevin gets predictable when he’s about to scare himself,” she said. “You are inconvenient to his worst habits. And you’re quieter than the team, which he needs. So do I.” Her mouth curved. “Also, you make faces. It’s entertaining.”

Renee straightened at the dune, brushed sand from her gloves, and returned to them. “All set,” she said. “We can light it in five.”

“My question,” Allison said lightly, turning back to him. “What did you want when you were twelve? Before all of this.” She waved toward the court back on campus like Exy was a building they could point to.

She could have asked something stupid. Aaron hated that the question landed. He shrugged like it didn’t matter. “A door that locked.”

Allison’s gaze flicked, quick and understanding. She didn’t say sorry, and he was grateful. “Your skip is still available,” she said. “If you need it later.”

“Keep yours,” Aaron said.

“Like I ever use mine,” she said, almost laughing.

Renee held out a box of matches. “We can light the small ones first. There’s a lull in the wind.”

They stood, trudging down to where the sand was packed wet and hard. The ocean breathed in and out. Allison bent with Aaron to shelter the match, heads almost knocking. Her perfume was faint under the salt—something sharp, citrus. “I am a good person,” she said idly, as if picking up a conversation he wasn’t aware they were having, “in the way that matters when the room is burning.” The match caught. “Ask Kevin.”

“You are the one who would burn the room,” Kevin said, and then, because he couldn’t help himself, “Renee bought the disgusting drinks.” He laughed a little.

“Correction,” Renee said mildly. “I bought alcohol too, and Allison told you no.”

“Semantics,” Kevin said, but his eyes lit up when he looked at Allison anyway.

The first firework sputtered, coughed sparks, and then lifted—a small bottle rocket stitching a white seam up the dark. It popped, a clean little bloom. Renee clapped her hands once, delighted. Allison’s grin went a little feral. Kevin tipped his head back and watched like he was studying it.

They lit another, and another, voices overlapping: careful, not that close, you’re going to lose your eyebrows, your eyebrows are invincible, shut the fuck up, and back up, there it goes.

Aaron didn’t know when heat gathered in his chest the way the fuse gathered fire, but it was there. The warmth of them, the way Allison stood her ground between Kevin and a cliff edge no one else would admit was there, the way Renee made space for quiet without making it feel like absence. Aaron thought the foxes felt like a pack with their teeth out.

“Okay,” Allison said, eyes on the sky.  “Back to it. Your question, Minyard.”

Aaron tilted his face to the wind. “What’s your favorite thing you own that you bought with your parents’ money?” he asked, because he wanted to see if she flinched.

“My pink beauty,” she said promptly. “My turn again.”

“You get the majority of questions,” he said.

“I make the rules.”

“That sounds fake,” he muttered, but Kevin’s mouth quirked again, so Aaron didn’t push.

Allison moved faster now, like she’d found a rhythm. “Truth for truth—what do you do when you can’t sleep?”

“Practice or study,” Aaron said, and Allison groaned like he’d offended her.

“My question,” he said, turning to Kevin before he could think better of it. “How do I help?”

Kevin blinked. “With what?”

“You know with what.”

The wind took a moment and made it a long one. Kevin swallowed and looked back at the black line of the water. “Stay,” he said. “When it’s ugly. When I don’t deserve it. Make me tea, I guess.” He sounded irritated at himself for saying something that soft. “Hide the good cups.”

Allison’s mouth bent. “He breaks those when he’s dramatic.”

“Just once,” Kevin protested.

“Twice,” Allison said. “Your turn, Day. Make it nasty.”

Kevin didn’t. He surprised Aaron by playing fair. “What was the last text you didn’t send?” Kevin asked him.

Aaron looked down at his hands inside his sleeves.  “Honestly, a classmate texted me to join a study group and asked me to go yesterday, I typed no, but did not send it. Kinda shitty, left her on read,” he said, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

Allison didn’t say anything sharp, “Ever the heartthrob.” 

“Fuck off,” he said flatly. 

Renee lit another fuse and stepped back. Aaron’s body unclenched by a degree he didn’t know it possessed.

Allison shook her shoulders like she was throwing off the cold. “Okay,” she said briskly, not letting the air thicken around him. “Penultimate round. I start.” She looked at Kevin first. “Tell me one thing you’re proud of that isn’t Exy.”

Kevin made a face like she’d asked him to renounce a religion. He thought for a long time. Frowning, he looked away and shrugged. “I don’t know.” He lifted his chin a notch, dared her to be unimpressed.

Allison didn’t give him an inch of mockery. “You got all A’s in your midterms,” she offered. “I am proud of you.”

Kevin’s ears went a little pink. Aaron looked away. Renee slipped a bottle of the healthy sludge into his hand without comment. Kevin accepted it like penance.

Allison turned to Aaron next. “You,” she said. “One thing you want that isn’t about surviving.”

The question hit him in the ribs. He almost used his skip. He thought of the morning run he hated but had done anyway because Kevin asked, the way his life had become a string of doing anyway because someone else asked. He thought of the library, of staying there until closing because the dorms were too loud with everything he couldn’t say.

“Quiet,” he said, surprised at how small it sounded out loud. “Just—quiet. In my head.” He forced a shrug. “That’s stupid.”

“It isn’t,” Allison said. She didn’t pretty it up with more words.

Kevin’s hand found his sleeve and tugged, quick and unthinking, like a check-in. Aaron pretended he didn’t notice and didn’t pull away either.

Renee crouched for the last of the fireworks, bigger ones with thick fuses. “Finale,” she announced softly. “And then we can go before the rain meets us halfway.”

“I love this part,” Allison glowed. Renee lit the first of the finale and came to stand behind them, a bright little sentinel with a pink beanie and patience.

Allison drew a circle in the sand with one finger and then flattened it out. “Last round is ‘choice,’ ” she said. “You pick if you answer or not.” She looked at Aaron. “If you ask me, I’ll answer. Anything.”

He knew a hundred mean questions that would bounce off her like pennies off a tank. He didn’t want to be mean. Not tonight. “Why are you doing this?” he asked instead, genuinely confused, a little weary. “With him. With me.”

Allison smiled, “Because someone did it for me,” she said. “And because Kevin is worth the trouble. And you—” she tipped her head, assessing, “you don’t make it easy to be on your side, but you haven’t made it impossible either. That’s hope. I like hope.”

Aaron stared at the dark line of her eyeliner and the steadiness under it. His thoughts circled back to Seth. Every time he saw those two arguing, shouting matches, and riling each other, with mean words. But each day, Allison stood next to him no matter what.

The first of the finale blew open in a peony of gold, slow-falling sparks like rain paused midair. The second chased it with a crack that startled a laugh out of Allison and a soft curse out of Kevin, which only made Allison laugh more.

“Your question,” she told Kevin, wind stealing half her voice.

Kevin didn’t look at her. He looked at Aaron, steady. “What did you think,” he asked, “when you woke up and I was still there?” His mouth flexed like he already regretted it.

Aaron wanted to deflect. He didn’t. “I thought—” he stopped. The third shell chased up the sky like a heartbeat. “I thought you looked peaceful.” He said it flat so it wouldn’t turn into something else. “And I wondered how long it would last.”

Kevin’s hand touched his sleeve again, knuckles cold.

“That’s disgusting. Okay, Minyard,” Allison said. “Last question of the night. Make it selfish.”

Aaron swallowed. The wind lifted his hair, hissed in his ears. The world smelled like wet iron and sea. “Do you ever think it gets easier?” he looked at Renee, voice low. “The feeling?” 

Renee looked at him. Watched him for a long time. Aaron knew she was calculating her answer. They had similarities. Renee killed one predator, Aaron another.

“Sometimes it changes shape,” she said, not unkind. “And sometimes it gets you. But it gets easier, because you did nothing wrong.” 

The last firework went up screaming. It burst wide, white and violent, and then broke into smaller stars that burned and burned until they didn’t.

Silence chased it down to the sand. For a heartbeat, there was only the ocean. Then, far off, a roll of sky that sounded like something turning over in its sleep.

“Okay,” Allison said quietly, wiping her hands on the blanket like she could rub away the shake that sneaked in under her bravado. “We said no weaponizing. We meant it. We also said no lying.” She cut her gaze to Kevin. “You tell me first when the wanting gets loud.”

“I will,” Kevin said. It wasn’t a promise made to impress her. It sounded like a thing he’d already decided.

Allison reached forward and flicked Aaron’s sleeve, gently. “And you tell me if he doesn’t,” she said. “So I can yell at him on purpose.”

Aaron snorted. “You don’t need permission for that.”

“True,” she said, flashing teeth.

The wind shifted, colder, and with it came the first hard drop of rain, fat and cold against Aaron’s cheek. Then another. And another. The air was suddenly full of it, salt and water and the electric smell left behind by their finale.

“Time to pack it,” Renee said, already moving. She didn’t rush so much as she refused to be slow, gathering the spent tubes, stamping out any ember that dared to pretend it had one more spark. Kevin helped without needing to be told, and Allison stood with her hands on her hips supervising.

Aaron watched them and felt something tilt under his feet, not unpleasant. He wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe a kind of balance. Maybe the beginning of one.

They moved as a unit without talking about it: Renee finished the cleanup and shouldered the bag; Kevin grabbed the blanket and shook sand from it; Allison took Aaron’s drink from his hand and swapped it for gloves, shoving them at him until he put them on. He didn’t say thank you. 

They were going to make a run for the car when Allison stopped, turned back to the water, and said, “Wait. Truth for truth, last one. The kind you don’t get graded for.”

Kevin looked at Aaron, then away. Renee stilled, only her rainbow hair moving in the wind.

Allison didn’t look at any of them; she looked ahead, voice even. “Name the thing you survived that you couldn’t name then.” She hesitated and then added, “It’s losing Seth for me.” 

Renee breathed in, slowly. Kevin’s jaw set. Aaron’s mouth was dry. The rain pinned them in place, beads of water clinging to Allison’s lashes, shining like glitter.

The ocean came up and went back. The sky breathed in.

“Riko,” Kevin whispered. 

“Death,” Renee’s sweet voice was low.

Aaron felt the answer push at his teeth, ugly and naked and true. He had been circling it all night, the way you circle a bruise to see where it hurts most. It wasn’t brave to say it. It was only time.

He opened his mouth, and the storm opened with him.

And when rain poured, it felt like the sky was weeping itself towards the ocean. Big waves were consuming the tears, and Aaron could barely get his words out, one by one.

I think I hate my mom . And then. I think I miss her.

The wind got stronger. Raindrops bit his face, and he thought he tasted salt from all those tears that lived inside him, and it kept and kept coming. Something relieved itself inside him. Something was given a new life.

Allison’s arms came around his middle, and Kevin’s hands on his shoulders, and fuck, yes, something within Aaron breathed for the first time in a while.

Notes:

Pardon the mistakes, because if I have to reread this chapter one more time, I will cry blood.
It just kept fighting with me like a bitch, and I'm honestly so, so tired.
wanted to introduce my girls in the best way I see them. And god, do I love Renee and Allison.
Also, Neil stepping up for his husband was everything I needed. ngl.
MATTTTTTTTTEWWWWWWW is my lover.
And, the kevaaron is blossoming in the air!

Hope you'll enjoy it <3 <3

Chapter 9: Chapter 8

Notes:

Songs of the chaper.
1. Belle and Sebastian - Dress up in you;
2. The strokes - Ode to the Mets
3. Oasis - (What's the story) morning glory?

We had a deal there, we nearly signed it with our blood… An understanding
I thought that you would keep your word;
I'm disappointed
I'm aggravated
It's a fault I have, I know, When things don't go my way I have to
Blow up in the face of my rivals
I swear and I rant, I make quite an arrival.
The men are surprised by the language
They act so discreet, they are hypocrites so fuck them too!

 

*** 

Rain was unforgiving. Soaking up the roads, causing floods, and it was impossible to move around if you did not own a car. Which Aaron did not. Even though he was fond of walking, Aaron really hated walking in the rain. It had nothing to do with rain itself, because how can anyone hate the rain? But the idea of the second round of flu really did not appease Aaron in any way. 

That’s why he was regretting finally accepting going to the study group. It was not like he was nervous. No, he had been in study groups plenty of times. Mostly, initiated by Katelyn, and after the breakup, he did not see those people anymore. Most of his friends at that time were Kate’s friends anyway. Aaron was trying to distract himself from the upcoming session with Andrew. 

Tessa was great. Aaron thought it was really nice how she did not make a big deal out of his drenched jacket, making constant sounds in the silence. Dropplets falling on the floor. Du-du-du. It really annoyed Aaron, if he was honest. 

She even offered him the notes of the other classes, and when a boy named Michael stood in front of the board in the study room, making diagrams of genetics, Aaron finally found how much easier it was to study when someone was explaining it to you step by step. This people were nice and even asked him to join their coffee date, which he politely refused. 

“Glad you could make it today, Aaron,” Tessa said when there were only two of them left in the room. 

Aaron was packing up his notes. Andrew would be there soon. “Yeah, it was fun.” The grimness in his voice could be explained by nerves. That’s what Aaron thought. He wouldn’t wish to sound rude to this girl. 

“See you next time.” 

The smell of her floral perfume remained in the room as Aaron sat on a deserted chair. Disgusted would be the right word to describe the feeling of looking at his drenched jacket. 

Sighing, he opened his phone. 

Did you leave the dorms yet? 

The reply came immediately, which was strange for Andrew. 

Not yet. 

Can u ask Nicky 2 give u my black jacket? Mine’s wet.

Aaorn felt incredibly stupid, clutching his drenched jacket, bag on his shoulder, standing in a shield of the library, alone. Not a single soul was outside, and considering the horrible weather, it was understandable why. 

Aaron thought about getting a car before. Even before their weeks of ignorance, he knew that depending on Andrew was wrong. He had to have a car to move around freely. Mainly, he wanted to take Kate on dates when they were together. He had a whole lot of things planned - surprise pickup, then drive to museums, picnic, or anything really. A car would be handy. But being a broke student really fucked up all his plans. 

Now, not to say that being on Matt’s good side did not come in handy, he drove Aaron to practices, because that boy had a gold in his chest instead of a heart. Really, with foxes, Aaron had to wonder how he maintained such kindness. But both Dan and Matt were people who could give kindness without expecting anything in return. 

The honk cut through the raindrops. Aaron hurried to Mas. 

“Hey,” He offered. Andrew looked at him and took the jacket from the backseat. Aaron was surprised. It was not his jacket; it was Andrew’s windbreaker. Gulping down the questions, he looked at his twin. “Thank you.” 

“Thank me by not passing out from the cold second time this season.”

The drive was fast and mostly quiet. The dread boiling in Aaron’s stomach made him uneasy. Twitching and squirming. He had taken to biting his nails. 

“Stop that.” Andrew’s voice was firm.

“What’s it to you?” Aaron cut his gaze at his twin. 

“Nasty habit.” 

Andrew parked, and when he got out, he offered a cigarette to Aaron. The first drag swallowed his twitchy nerves. Aaron exhaled the smoke and looked at Andrew, who was smoking stoically. 

“So, that’s a thing we do now?” Aaron was interested to hear Andrew's answer. 

“Shut up,” Andrew grumbled and flicked the cigarette on the concrete. 

Aaron laughed. Easy sound escaping from the bottom of his belly. “Okay, so, it’s absolutely the thing we do now.” 

Betsy’s office was warm as ever. Window light illuminating the whole office and yellow lamps cozying it up. Aaron took his place on the couch. Betsy offered them hot chocolate and green tea for Aaron. 

“How was the ride, boys?” She asked after kissing their hellos. 

Twins shrugged at the same time. Aaron rolled his eyes and looked away. Betsy smiled and leaned further in the chair. 

“Do you maybe want to talk about a specific topic for today?” She offered, and when neither said anything, she huffed out a breath. “If that isn’t the case, we can pick it up from where we left off.” 

Aaron frowned. He hid his hands inside Andrew’s jacket. He looked at the window, avoiding the gaze when he spoke. 

“I want to know, what do you mean when you say the deal is not over for you?” He said quietly. 

The silence in the room stretched. Aaron was tempted to look at his twin, facing his stare. Andrew was snapping his armbands. Nervous tick that Aaron had never noticed before. 

“You and me,” Andrew said, averting his gaze, instead looking into his cup of hot chocolate. “I will protect you.” 

“Thank you, Andrew,” Betsy interfered when Aaron's jaw ticked and he huffed out a breath instead of saying anything. “Could you elaborate to Aaron why you think it’s important to have a deal?” 

“Deal means nothing to him,” snapped Andrew. “He broke it anyway.” 

Bitter. The words Aaron swallowed tasted bitter. Instead of saying the first thing that came to his mind, Aaron thought carefully. Detangling emotions from each other. 

“The deal, for me, was a cage,” He started as evenly as possible. Andrew’s hard stare found him quickly, and his hands gripped the cup harshly, knuckles going white. Aaron rolled his eyes. “Not in a way that you think, Andrew. The deal was supposed to be you and me. Together. That’s why I accepted. I wanted you to be with me. I thought we could be good. I think we can still be good together. But, we, both of us, were not ready for each other. You were not ready to let me in, and I don’t think I was either. It was supposed to be us, together, but we weren’t, not really. We did not even form any kind of connection; we were merely strangers.” 

His throat tightened, and Aaron fell quiet for a couple of minutes. Betsy nodded at him encouragingly when he opened his mouth. “You did not allow me to have anyone else but you, but you did not allow me to have you, not really. You were avoidant. It fucked with my head. That’s why I was constantly trying to sneak around. Fuck, I just wanted— It was hard. After mom, I could not even stomach looking at you.” Aaron’s laugh was a sour sound in a dead quiet room. Andrew clicked his tongue. “I, you almost killed yourself, not giving a fuck about me.” 

Andrew stood up, looking at him, hand in his pocket. “This is not over,” He said. Took out his pack and left the room. 

Aaron looked at Betsy, seeking an explanation. “I believe he’ll come back once he gets his emotions in check,” Betsy reassured him. 

Aaron nodded. He was still trying to wrap his head around opening up so much. These were the thoughts that lived with him. Thoughts that never came to life. Thoughts he had never shared with anyone else, and hid even from himself. 

Andrew came with a heavy scent of smoke and furrowed eyebrows. Storm stirring inside him. Aaron curled into himself on the couch. 

“How are you feeling, Andrew?” Betsy asked him. Andrew did not dignify her with a response and shook his head when she offered another cup of hot chocolate. 

“Continue,” He turned to Aaron. 

“What’s more to say?” Aaron asked, “You said I can not live without seeking attention from you; You guessed it,” Cuticle around the thumb Aaron was poking started bleeding, “I want your attention. I want you to want to pay attention to me. I hate being invisible to you.” 

Andrew inhaled sharply. “That’s what you think?” 

“What else would I think? I mean, you did say, dead mother and drug addiction are not keeping you entertained enough.” Aaron snapped. Sliding down onto the couch further, so he would not have to look at him. 

“Mind if I ask, when that was?” Betsy interfered. 

“After he had a panic attack,” Andrew answered. He then looked down at Aaron. “I pay attention to you. You think I have not noticed when you broke up with the cheerleader, or when you went to the court at night, sneaking around with Kevin, or when you left with Boyd for Columbia?”

“Andrew, would you mind revealing to Aaron how this made you feel?” 

“You know that already, don’t you, Bee?” Andrew mocked. Split skin around Aaron’s other thumb cut open, now both bleeding.

“I think Aaron would like to know as well, Andrew.” Bee smiled gently at his twin. 

“Deal means it’s real. It means you are where I want to be.” Andrew said sternly. “And that is next to me.” Aaron thought for a second that his twin was mad at himself for speaking. A battle he won against himself. “But you broke the deal.” 

“Don’t be fucking asshole, you broke it, too.” Aaron had had enough bullshit of blame. “The minute you saw that runway in fucking nowhere town, you broke it. Fuck, maybe even before that, for all I know. But suddenly, I’m the only one who broke it?” He looked at Betsy in need of assistance, but she was watching with careful eyes. Aaron inhaled. “I broke my end of the deal, I admit. I was desperate to get out of it, I—I just needed someone, someone who was not caught up in all this crazy mess, okay? I wanted someone who would look at me and not see an addict kid with a dead mom and brother who wanted nothing to do with me. fucking sue me.” 

Andrew's hard stare annoyed Aaron, sudden anger exploding in his chest. “Don’t fucking look at me like that, okay? You wanted to be out of it just as much as I did. It was stupid anyway. I want to be your brother, still, I do. The question is, do you? Have you ever?” 

Aaron was exposed naked in the room. With all his thoughts lying on the table in front. Fucking have it. He wanted to yell. The sudden itch of leaving this room and not coming back made him flinch. He had to physically press his palms on his legs to refrain from storming out. 

“Thank you, Aaron, for sharing all that.” Betsy’s voice cut the moment she felt the tension rise. Both twins looked at her, annoyed. She smiled at them. “Andrew, would you like to answer Aaron’s question?” 

“Why do you think I came back?” Andrew huffed out, clearly in no mood to conceal his words. “To live with you. From the moment we met, it was decided. You are my brother.” He answered his own rhetorical question. 

“Nicky said–” Aaron started, but was not sure how to phrase it.  “he said to me that he thinks you want to be part of my life as much as I want to be yours.” Aaron felt his ears reddening in shame as he said it. Embarrassment of being needy. “And I want to be part of your life, Andrew.” Andrew assessed him, gaze locked on his red face. “I want to be your brother, fully. I want to be able to talk to you, and I want you to talk to me. Do you understand what I’m saying?”  

Andrew’s face gave nothing away. He was sitting in his silence. Aaron did not think anyone realized how silent Andrew was. Yes, Allison said Aaron was quiet, but Andrew lived in silence. 

“That’s really brave, Aaron. You are doing great.” Suddenly, Betsy spoke, and Aaorn whipped his head in her direction, completely forgetting she was in the room with them. “Andrew, do you need a moment?” 

Disregarding her completely, his twin faced Aaron. “You are my brother.” He said, finally. “You are my family.” He added. “We can start again.” 

“I don’t want to have conditions,” defeat in Aaron’s voice made him grimace, “I want to be your brother without expecting anything.” 

“You can’t keep things from me,” Andrew gave away nothing with his voice. Then, quietly, he added, “Not when you go on sudden road trips with foxes, not when you break up with cheerleader, not when you don’t eat, when you freak out, when you have panic attacks, when you don’t sleep, when you visit the beach to flame the fireworks. I can not protect you if I don’t know.” 

Aaron saw how much it took from Andrew to say that. He was mildly surprised at how much Andrew knew. How direct he was with his feelings, his true feelings. Exhaling, he said to his twin. “You can not protect me from everything, Andrew.” 

“I protected you from her.” He argued. 

“And look where it got us,” Aaron spread his hands around the room, “We need a fucking therapy to be able to talk to each other. You–you can not protect me from my mind, okay? It’s a fucked up place.” Aaron pointed his index finger at his head. “Most of my troubles come from there. You can’t protect me from myself. I need a brother, not a guard dog.” Andrew considered him for a long moment. Even Betsy was looking at him, smile gone from her face, a deep, dark concentration furrowing her brows. Aaron looked at Andrew again. “Don’t you think I want to protect you, too? From what little I know, and what more I have no idea of? But I don’t want to cross your boundaries. I’m asking you to consider mine, too.” 

“Okay.” Andrew nodded. “But no secrets,” he added at the same time. “That’s my condition.” 

An easy smile stretched on Aaron’s features. “I can live with that.” 

“Okay, boys, both of you have been very brave today, and learned about each other. I must say, I am indeed proud of both of you.” A Smile was back on Betsy’s face. “I am glad both of you are willing to open up. It’s a great progress. As you know, a relationship is a process in which every party involved needs to work equally as the other, so we can come back to the topics next Wednesday.” Andrew stayed back while Aaron left the office quickly. He was probably debriefing with Betsy, Aaron guessed. 

Aaron thought, by no means was it easy to open up like that, but god damn, was it freeing. He was feeling weightless. Next to the car, the raindrops were contained in a small flood. Aaron saw his reflection, all red cheeks and furrowed eyebrows. Andrew slid next to him soon and offered him a cigarette. Aaron took it. Both were looking in the distance. 

“Jesus Christ,” Aaron huffed, unable to express all his emotions. 

“Don’t say god’s name in vain.” Andrew’s tone was heavy with sarcasm.

“Oh, fuck all the way off.” 

*** 

As Andrew drove back two of them into the dorms and disappeared into his own room, the day stretched for Aaron. He was in his room, but could not study or play. Mindlessly pacing, he decided to fuck the rain and go for a walk. He put Andrew’s windbreaker back on and headed outside. 

He could get a refill of his energy drinks, so he felt the purpose of walking. Walking alone, without a destination, often made him twitchy. He thought everyone could tell he had no business to go anywhere, no one to walk with him. It was all in his head, Aaron knew, but paranoia does its own thing. Sue him. 

As he made his way, he saw a cigarette butts on the dump concrete. For Aaron, his first smoke of a cigarette came during his pre-teen era, at the back of the school, or the janitor’s room, or at the little hideaway window next to the gym. Anywhere. He used to smoke alone. His mom caught him one time and smacked him so hard for wasting her money on this. She took his freshly bought pack, which he in fact did not buy with her money, and chain-smoked for a whole day, constantly smirking at him. Aaron was not sure, but he could guess she was high. 

Aaron was reintroduced to cigarettes when Andrew moved in. He always had a full pack with him. He would stand next to the window quietly and smoke. He offered Aaron once when they first shared a room for the first time, and Aaron was so ridiculously happy, he swiped the back of his hand on his mouth to hide his smile. Andrew’s eyes glowed, eyebrow raised, but he said nothing. 

After that, they smoked together for quite some time. Andrew always offered it to him, and Aaron always accepted. It was like a little ritual, after school, at night when none of them could sleep. Andrew was constantly watching the door like a hawk. Aaron wanted to stay up with him, so he would fight off sleep and only get a wink when Andrew’s eyes would eventually fall.

Those first weeks together, it was something. Sadly, everything was blurry due to constant changes, and mostly, Aaron was always high, so he could not tell the difference between real and false events. Sometimes, his mind would create memories, bursting on the surface out of nowhere, and Aaron would get frustrated. Is this real? Did this happen, or is it my mind still playing tricks on me? He would ask himself. Mostly, it was indeed his mind playing tricks on him. 

In the summer, as they were avoiding each other in their own separate rooms in Columbia, Aaron asked Nicky if he and Andrew really started learning German together. Nicky got all sappy on him, eyes watering with tears, mouth turning with sad eyes, and confirmed that yes, they used to study together every afternoon. 

Aaron nodded. In his memory, he and Andrew would sit on the floor in the living room, with their own books, and start memorising. Then they would have a contest of who learned more words that day. Nicky was always the judge, asking both of them questions. Andrew won every time, but strangely, Aaron was not bitter. 

Maybe that part of the memory was not real. 

But then again, maybe it was. 

Aaron was not sure he trusted his head. When he told Andrew in that therapy session that his head was fucked up place, he meant it. It was a place where everything was tangled together like a big ball of yarn, really messy. He could not trust himself; therapy was a great example of that. First off, he sat there and blurted off everything to Andrew. Aaron was sure Andrew knew him like the back of his hand, but damn , to actually say how pathetically needy you are was almost like a walk of shame. But he had to admit, it felt strangely good to be able to admit it to Andrew, after years of keeping it all to himself. 

And, Andrew even replied; he’d said You’re my family. And fuck if Aaron was not giddy on it, wanting to smile to himself. 

Maybe there was still a hope for them after all, even though the last therapy failed, this one was a gleaming hope; This one was going well. Yes, Aaron is always aware that nothing in his life ever goes well, but god damn, was he willing to wait for it if it meant he could have his brother? 

He was willing to wait for it. 

Aaron was aware that he opened up much more than Andrew, but as much as he disliked being vulnerable in his presence, Andrew hated it ten times more. And Aaron could understand that. He was finally willing to read between the lines that Andrew was able to give.

He shoved the cigarette away with his converse.  Aaron went into the store. Walking aimlessly in the aisles. After he picked his energy drinks and Nicky’s favorite strawberry lemonade, he stopped in front of the snack section. He eyed the most disustingly sugary-looking snacks, the kind Andrew would have scattered around in his room. 

Without thinking about it too much, he showed them into the cart and walked off. 

*** 

Upon returning to the dorm and cracking open his laptop, Aaron was not even surprised when the door opened and Kevin stumbled into his room. Books in hand and glasses on. Looking like he just woke up from a nap. 

“They kicked you out again?” Aaron smirked.

“Yes.” Kevin sat next to Aaron on the bed, his back leaning against the wall. “But, for a different reason.” 

Aaron quirked his eyebrows in interest. “Not mad?” 

“Definitely not mad.” Kevin agreed. “More like lust-ridden?” 

“Oh, god.” Aaron put a pillow over his head. “Oh, Fuck no. No more telling me about my twin’s sex life. The whole topic is vetoed.” 

Smugly, Kevin pulled the pillow from his hands. “You are so prude.” 

“Fuck you,” Aaron kicked Kevin’s thigh with his foot. “It’s disgusting. I don’t wanna hear about it.” 

“Prude,” Kevin smirked.

The books he took with him lay forgotten next to him as Kevin started texting on the phone. Aaron was bored. Super bored. If Kevin came into his room, this fine, but very boring noon, the least he could do was entertain him. 

Huffing, he kicked Kevin again. “What are you doing?” 

“Texting,” Kevin replied courtly. 

“Texting who?” 

“His sister,” The door swung open once again, and Allison came in. Similar to Kevin, she was dressed in plaid pajama pants and a fox T-shirt. Very uncharacteristic of her. 

“She asked if she could come over.” Kevin looked at Aaron and smiled awkwardly. While Allison got comfortable next to Kevin - in Aaron’s bed - Aaron frowned at Kevin. 

“And you told her yes?” Aaron grumbled. 

“She is right here,” Allison said without looking up from her phone, “And Kevin did not say anything. I came over on my own. You don’t mind, do you, pretty boy ?” 

Aaron scowled and blushed at the same time. Utterly ridiculous.  “I don’t mind.” He scoffed. 

“Hey, I thought that was my nickname!” Kevin looked at Allison wide-eyed, fake betrayal plastered on his face. 

The blond smiled, “It’s not a nickname, Kevin, it’s a state of being.” 

Aaron grimaced. “So fucking cringe.” 

The door swung open one more time, and Renee came in with hands full of snacks. “I brought a bribe.” She announced and smiled sweetly at Aaron. “Hi, Aaron.” 

“Hi,” Aaron’s face twisted in an awkward smile. 

“Why are you blushing?” Allison asked, nudging Kevin to get a good look at Aaron. 

“Am not!” Aaron said, horrified. He could feel his ears burning.

“Are too!” 

“I am not!” 

“Oh, yes, he’s definitely blushing!” Kevin’s face was inching close to his. Aaron rolled his eyes and smacked Kevin on the head. 

“Shut up!” 

Aaron really was not blushing, okay? Like, maybe just a little, because Renee was sweet and intimidating at the same time, and Aaron had no idea how to act around her. Being mean was out of the question, and being nice was not his field. 

As Renee crawled next to Allison, the door swung open yet again. “Dearest cousin– Oh, hello!” Nicky smiled at them with dramatics, wide eyes, and an open mouth. “Oh my god! Are we having a sleepover in Aaron’s room? I miss sleepovers so much!” He excitedly got close to bed but turned quickly. “Oh, wait, let me tell Andrew and Neil.” Hearing Aaron’s groan, Nicky glared at him. “No, mister! No groaning allowed. You know how excited Neil is about sleepovers! He’s got this kicked puppy look on him. We can’t miss him out!”

Aaron grumbled as Nicky left the room as abruptly as he had come in. Chaos stirrer. Aaron looked at Kevin closely. He knew that Neil and Kevin had made up. He saw the way they were barking insults at each other during the practice, all smirking and rolling their eyes. His own gaze quickly found Andrew in the goal, who was watching them, amusement in his eyes. Yes, so they made up just as quickly as they fought. Kevin forgave Neil, because even though he was very good a holding grudges, Josten was always a soft spot for him. 

Aaron was starting to whine for them to get out of his room, well, maybe except Kevin, when the door opened and revealed Matt, who had earphones in his ears. Matt’s face split open with a wide grin as he took in the room and took off his earphones. “Hey guys, are we having a sleepover in our room?” 

Aaron rolled his eyes. Despite himself, he whined. “Tell them to get out, Matt,” Aaron asked the backliner. 

“Matt will not say such a thing. Stop being a crybaby!” Mocked Allison. “Besides, Matty wants us here, just as you do.” 

“I definitely do!” Matt sat down in Aaron’s chair. 

“Well, I do not,” Aaron complained and hit Kevin’s thigh with his foot, because all of this was his fault.

“Quit whining,” Kevin said. Aaron’s ears burned. 

“Fuck off.” He grumbled. 

“Dan will be here in two,” Matt announced excitedly. 

Dan came bearing lots of snacks and drinks. Surprisingly, almost all of them were non-alcoholic. Aaron smiled. 

“We could at least do this in the living room!” he protested as the couple got comfortable on the floor with Aaron’s blanket and pillow. 

“Oh, shut it.” Allison snapped. She had her head placed on Kevin’s thigh now and was looking at her phone. “Dibs on choosing a movie, by the way.” She said. 

“Oh, hell no!” Dan announced. “I can not watch any more disgusting horrors, Allison!” Then she turned to Matt - “You know she did not even let me close my eyes as the cannibal guy was eating the liver of some teen, and the teen was very much alive,” Matt made a scandalized face. 

“Oh, don’t be such a scaredy cat!” Allison flicked her hand. 

“I’m not scared, I’m disgusted,” Dan announced, and tossed chips in her mouth. 

The door swung open for the last time, and with it came Andrew, Nicky, and Redhead. 

Andrew was probably here for the first time since Aaron moved out. He eyed his twin and raised his brows, glaring at Kevin’s socked feet tucked under Aaron’s legs. Aaron scoffed and averted his gaze. As much as he was admitting that he and his twin were on a way of progress, he really did not want to have any kind of embarrassing conversation with foxes present.

“Neil, my sweet sunshine, tell the mean captain that I get to choose a movie today.” Allison raised his head in the direction of Josten. 

“I’m fine with it, as long as it’s not Nicky choosing the movies.” Josten quipped. He, Andrew, and Nicky threw Aaron’s other, his favorite , blanket on the floor and got comfortable leaning on the side of the bed. 

“Hey!” Nicky whipped his head in shock. “You love my romcoms, Neil!” 

“He does not.” Andrew deadpanned. 

“But, you said you liked When Harry Met Sally!” 

“He lied. What a surprise.” Andrew was getting really comfortable with his sarcastic humor, Aaron noticed. 

“Can you all get out of here?” Aaron griped for the last time. In return, he got 3 sets of pillows on his face. “Fine.” He grumbled. 

They put out Matt’s projector and displayed the movie on the opposite wall. It was some nasty horror shit, so Aaron noted to support Dan in solidarity and never let Allison be in charge of movies ever again.

After the movie, they played Never Have I Ever. Because of course they did. It was mostly Allison’s choice anyway. Aaron noticed that she had some weird obsessions with confessing truths via games. 

The first few rounds were easy. Josten started playing dirty immediately - pointedly looking at Andrew, eyes glowing and cheeks red. “Never have I ever eaten an entire ice cream set in one sitting.” 

To say Andrew was pissed as he curled his index finger would be an understatement, but Josten only laughed. 

It continued like that. When Aaron took his turn, he smirked at Kevin, “Never have I ever read an entire book about Chinese history in one day.” 

“Oh, fuck you,” Kevin grumbled. His eyes flashed as he grinned evilly at Aaron. “Never have I ever tripped on my shoelace and landed on my nose.” He announced. Yes, it did happen when they were practicing, back at the start of winter. 

Aaron glared at him and noticed that Andrew was watching him closely, tilted head. No secrets. Aaron would have to talk about all of the night practices with him.

As the night progressed, and Aaron’s eyes got heavy, Andrew offered him Monsters. Which he took out of nowhere. Aaron furrowed his brows as he took the energy drink. Andrew did not look at him until Aaron threw the bag of disgusting sugary-looking snacks in his lap. Andrew took it without a word. 

In the end, Foxes really did make a whole sleepover out of it. Getting snacks on Aaron’s bed, on his table. Dan and Matt fall asleep in Matt’s bed. Kevin, Aaron, and Allison in Aaron’s bed. It was awfully crafted. Neil and Andrew lingered as long as they could, but Aaron was noticing the twitching in his twin; he was not comfortable sleeping in a different setting. So, they stayed for a while, but left one by one; everyone fell asleep. Nicky curled up next to Renee on the duvet on the floor. 

The only thing illuminating the room was the video displayed on the wall, the rainy window. Matt put it on before going to sleep. Kevin was softly snoring next to him, Allison was curled over Kevin, and Aaron was close to the wall. 

A lazy noon turned into a sleepover, where people were enjoying themselves. Hell, for all his whining and scoffing, even Aaron was enjoying himself a little too much there. 

Aaron thought, maybe it was not such a curse to be a Fox.

Notes:

Foundfamily earner in me, just could no longer let Aaron isolate himself. And did anyone catch the Hamilton referencee? And brainrot even made its way in this fic!!!
what u doing
texting
texting who?
my sister!
I had it in my head all day xdd

Thanks for reading! Feel free to share thoughts on this chapter <3 💕

Chapter 10: Chapter 9

Notes:

Song of the chapter:
Hey Jude - (do I even need to say)
Boys don't cry - the cure
No surprises - Radiohead (I know I recommend this on every chapter)

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

*** 

To say that Aaron was surprised when Kevin appeared in front of him in the library would be a lie. You see, Aaron was getting used to Kevin finding him everywhere. In an abandoned court at night, in the library, in his bed, hiding under the duvet, in the cafe, hunched over the books. Kevin had this superpower, gravitating towards Aaron. 

Aaron found it amusing at times, sweet more often than not. Day was a good company. If you’ve ever said that to Aaron, who first met Kevin, he would laugh in your face. Because Exy superstar KEVIN DAY, really was not his ideal cup of coffee. 

Scoffing, Aaron rolled his eyes as Kevin sat down next to him. “Well, aren’t you a ray of sunshine?” Kevin smirked at Aaron’s expression. 

“Oh, fuck off. What are you doing here?” 

“You were not at the dorms, so I thought I’d check here.” Kevin shrugged. 

“That’s why you walked in this horrible weather?” Aaron  frowned, “And of course you’re not even wearing your jacket.” He assessed Kevin’s half-drenched hoodie. “I’m not gonna take care of you when you catch a cold again.” He raised eyebrows. 

Kevin barked out a laugh. “Don’t worry about my cold, Dr. Minyard.” He then took his book out. “I’m kind of bored. Allison asked me to go find you and stop bothering her.” 

“What’d you do this time?” 

“As if I ever do something.” Hypocrite.

“Some day, I wish to be as oblivious as you.” 

“Oh, you are oblivious plenty.” Kevin said, and leaned closer to him, “Who’s the girl staring daggers at me?” 

Aaron frowned as he looked around. A couple of tables in front of him was seated Tessa, girl from the study group. He saw her watching and smiled awkwardly. Her little smile made an appearance. “Just a girl from my class,” He said to Kevin. Turning his face, he found Kevin’s green eyes closer to him, smiling smugly, but his eyes were highlighted with intensity.

“Does she know she’s just a classmate?” Kevin’s breath hot on Aaron’s throat. It let shiver run down his spine. He felt the blush rising to his ears. 

“The fuck are you talking about?” Aaron grumbled. Moving back to leave some space between them. His skin tingling.

Day only smiled and went back to his book. Occasionally glancing at Aaron and the girl. Aaron rolled his eyes, once again, not understanding him. 

Kevin was at the same time the easiest person to see and the hardest person to know. Sometimes, Aaron saw Kevin, and his struggles, and it felt like looking in the mirror. Oh, hello. He wanted to say. We are alike. He wanted to whisper. 

Sometimes, like now, he would look at Kevin and could not figure out what was going on in his head. 

We are as different as alike. He thought. And really, they were. 

Alike, in a way, Aaron did not wish to. He did not wish Kevin to have those nasty habits, which he himself harboured, or the pain of the past, which he himself had passed. Yes, addiction, abusive family member, dependent, emotionally unavailable, panic attacks, sarcastic… check, check, check. 

Different, in a way, Aaron wished to be alike. He wanted to possess the skills of charming people easily, like Kevin did. Just a little wet smile, and yes, he was a goner.  Everyone was a goner. 

Aaron managed to drown a couple of pages, while Kevin sat still, reading his book. It was very uncharacteristic of him not to point out a couple of facts, but Aaron guessed he was probably lost in the interest in what he was reading. Not many people noticed this, but Kevin often lost time and space while reading. He was captivated by his study. It harmonized with his nature to be so doted on studying. Just as he was with Exy. The man breathed Exy for fuck’s sake. 

So, yes, Aaron found that Kevin, at his core,  was as fascinating as he was insufferable. 

When he caught himself looking way longer than acceptable at Kevin’s focused form, the little frown between his eyebrows, and the intense gaze following the words, Aaron looked away. Coming face-to-face with Tessa, who was standing in front of him. 

“Hi, Aaron.” She waved a little. Her hair was curled on her shoulders, and stubborn locks were falling over the books she was clutching. “We missed you yesterday.” 

Bullshit. 

“Yeah, sorry,” Aaron laughed nervously. He had no idea why he found talking with her so awkward. He guessed it was the leftover effect of Katelyn and his relationship. “I had a practice.” 

“No worries,” She dismissed him elegantly, her eyes going from Aaron to Kevin for a second. Aaron glanced at the other man and found him scowling at Tessa. Poor girl. No one should be the recipient of Kevin’s annoyed stares. Aaron nudged him under the table, and Kevin looked down at his book, pressing his thigh closer to Aaron with ferocity. “We’ll see you next time?” She asked. A little bit of hope in her voice. Aaron fought the grimace. 

“Sure.” He said. 

The girl left, looking back and waving once more. Aaron looked at Kevin. “Why did you scare the poor girl away?” He demanded. 

“She interrupted our study time, Aaron. Who walks up to other people in the library, anyway?” He sneered. 

“You did it,” Aaron argued, whispering loudly. 

“Nope, I just sat down next to you quietly. It’s our time anyway.” Kevin defended back. 

He seemed to be in a sour mood, and Aaron wondered what caused it. Trying to distract him, he looked down at Kevin’s book. “What are you studying? This is the longest you’ve kept your mouth shut.” 

“Oh, fuck you.” Kevin rolled his beautiful eyes. “Just history. Didn’t think you’d be interested, it has nothing to do with medicine.” 

“That never stopped you from sharing with me before,” Aaron mumbled. Feeling weird.

“Well, it’s mostly about Japanese religion, Shintoism. They had this badass goddess, Amaterasu, who is the most worshiped one.” Kevin’s spark returned in his eyes. His voice resonated with the enthusiasm he showed for history. He went on rambling about it for a while, Aaron listening attentively. He felt crawling in and out of himself, part of him, happy to be listening to Kevin. Part of him was trying to get out of here. 

Alarm bells loud in his brain. 

Aaron ignored it. They left the library later than they should have. Walking in the rain, turning up in the dorm, soaked. The wet curls falling in Kevin’s eyes. Aaron pulled it behind his ear in the elevator. Kevin reddened in front of him, and Aaron smiled, amused. 

Alarm bells did not stop ringing as he lay awake in his bed that night. 

*** 

Andrew cornered Aaron after practice one day. 

The conversation started stiffly - Christmas. That’s all Andrew said, because he was unable to communicate through words. 

What about it? Aaron replied, just to be a little shit. 

Andrew then told him that he had options. He got to choose. They could stay at Abby’s, since she already offered, and two Exy addicts would not be far from the stadium, or they could go to Columbia. 

Aaron missed Christmas in New York. Matt was so happy to have them, and even with the events that happened and ruined everyone’s mood (JOSTEN). Aaron was sure to admit it was a nice Christmas. 

This time, there was a thick stake that everything would go to shit. Aaron had this creeping anxiety living in his bones these days. Restless, waiting to ruin something. You’re very quiet in your trouble. Renee said to him last time they spoke, all gentle looks, sweet smiles, and a hand offered to pull him up after he had fallen at the practice. If you want someone to talk to, I’m offering my company. She said, and disappeared. 

Aaron was surprised; it was a thing lately. Always got whiplashed whenever foxes offered him a glance, advice, or conversation. Apparently, it was to be expected, Matt, the sweet and caring Matt, said, Of course, man, that’s what friends do. And Aaron stood there, clammed up. 

Foxes, as destructive as they were, were also masters of soothing the wounds, unafraid to look at them, all ugly and broken, straight, without grimacing and saying Well, sucks to be you, I guess; but do you know, one time, I… 

Aaron was almost shocked; he started to fit in with the group of rejects, broken, and helpless people. But boy, was he glad to finally open the horizons to people, and instead of hiding away, let them embrace all the ugliness within him. 

But the despondentness was growing as the days turned more and more miserable.

 

*** 

The winter was racing forward. Christmas was approaching with cold, drenching days. Constant rains washed away any remnants of the snow. 

The gym was heated up, but Aaron could still feel the cold in his bones. He rolled his eyes in the mirror as he watched Kevin scoff at Neil’s poor attempt at bench presses. Aaron himself was lounging on one of the stairs. 

Across from Kevin, Josten, and Andrew were standing together. It was a disgusting sight. Josten was wearing a tini-tiny orange shorts with an oversized Foxes hoodie. Whole legs on display, as he was running on a treadmill, Andrew watching him with some light in his eyes, Aaron hoped to never understand. Aaron grimaced and looked away quickly. 

He gulped down the water as Kevin approached him. “Had enough for the day?” He asked. 

“Somebody did not let me sleep until two yesterday,” Aaron raised his eyebrow. 

He and Kevin were having a gaming session, which then turned into a tournament, because Kevin is just as competitive in video games as in everything. Aaron, at least, could match his enthusiasm, so they stayed up later than they should have. Kevin left for his own bed, while Aaron tossed and turned all night, his heart doing sudden squeezes every time he almost lost his consciousness. 

“Sucks to be you, I guess,” Kevin smirked. “Wanna do the last set before we go?” 

“No, fuck off,” Aaron grumbled. Kevin grinned that foolish grin of his, the one that looked very much different from the KEVIN DAY media smile. Aaron scowled. “You can not convince me, better give up.” 

But, in this life, Kevin Day had never met a challenge he did not win, so now, as well, he dragged Aaron and made him do one more set of workouts. Aaron was properly exhausted as he showered and changed. 

Kevin was shivering in the doorway. Aaron rolled his eyes and took off his jacket. “How can you forget your jacket every day?” He snapped at him and gave him his oversized puffy jacket. His favorite, really.

“I’m not cold,” Kevin argued, but put on Aaron’s jacket anyway. Aaron rolled his eyes. Kevin looked ridiculously handsome. What an unfair world.

Matt drove Aaron to his class that day, and he went on and about. Practice, as usual, was brutal, but it was so close to the break that Kevin was trying to use every possible second. 

At the end, he raced to Aaron, offering him heavy critiques, and when he noticed Aaron’s dejected state, faltering, he took Aaron’s hand in his. “Is everything okay?” asked with a voice so full of confusion. 

“Yes, just a bit tired,” Aaron replied. He tried to smile to reassure Kevin, but it was a pitiful try. Kevin squeezed his hand before letting go and promised a study session at night. Aaron’s skin started tingling with the sensation, missing the warmth as Kevin let go.

Throughout the day, he felt his mind dragging down and zoning out. It was a weird experience; he could not even point out exactly what he was feeling. Exhausted, yes. But, almost like mentally burned out. 

His mind was shutting down mid-sentence, refusing to let him think and concentrate long enough. It felt like the start of a depressive episode, Aaron was all too familiar with. Used to all the time, his brain was preparing the nest for him to spiral for the whole week, and he refused to leave the bed. Cry the wet tears and be utterly sorrowful. 

But these days, he was happy. He was happier than he’s been in a while. Things were not so awful. 

Winter was a fucking pitiful season. 

Fucking pitiful and fucking miserable.

*** 

Uneasiness was born in his heart. Spreading to his internal organs, sucking the blood out of them, then traveling down to his legs and chewing at his bones. Aaron could physically feel the little parasite creeping inside him. It was a feeling he could not shake. Eventually, pressing the heels of his palms on his eyes, he ground his teeth together and rolled on the other side of the bed. 

It was all so stupid. 

Pointless, really.

What was he thinking, that he would spend one merry-happy session with his twin and suddenly everything would be magically fixed? He would shelter the foxes' sudden sleepover, and immediately, he would be a part of the group?! 

He knew, from the youngest of his years, that there was something rotten inside him. Some fucked up wires in his head. 

The air tasted miserable, and Aaron could no longer know what to do.  He was expected at the practice in 10 minutes, but he did not want to go. 

Could not go.

 

*** 

He was mildly surprised and majorly pissed off when Kevin found him lounging outside the library with a cigarette in his hand. Kevin was coming with a storm on his heels. 

“Do you have any idea how many times we called you?” He barked. 

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Don’t care.” 

“What the fuck crawled up in your ass, huh?” Kevin grabbed the cigarette from his hand and threw it aimlessly on the street. 

The flicker of red ash screamed as the rainwater ate its flame. He was pissed, angry, and a great deal of pathetic.

He turned on his heels to walk away, but Kevin’s hand quickly grabbed his. The skin contact burned just as much as the hot iron would. He quickly pushed Kevin away, hitting his firm chest. Shock gaped Kevin’s mouth. 

“What the fuck happened, Aaron?” He demanded. “You skipped the practice, turned off your phone, went full zero on me, and suddenly you are mad? What the actual fuck is going on in your brain?” 

Cold laugh bounced within the outside walls of the library. A bird flew by. “Fuck you.” Aaron pushed Kevin’s chest again, and Kevin was slightly taken aback. “Fuck you!” Aaron hated the tremble in his voice, the sign of wetness around his eyes. “Why can’t you just leave me alone, for once in your life?” 

Kevin pushed Aaron back, furious. “What the actual fuck?” He demanded, “Don’t think for a second your little theatre is going to work on me. Tell me what happened.” Leaning against the wall, Aaron ground his teeth. The headache was exploding above his neck. 

He stood quietly, fishing out the pocket of cigarettes with a trembling hand. Kevin frowned and snatched it away. “Give it back!” 

“Since when do you smoke?” 

“Since when do you know me so well?”

“Since always. Now, stop being a brat, just tell me what’s wrong, okay? Is it Andrew?” 

The audacity of this guy. “What do you care?” he hisses out with venom. 

“Oh, fuck you. People care about you, don’t you get it? I care about you. So, that means whenever you go ghost on me, disappear from the dorm in the morning, skip Gym and practice, I will care. I will freak out and call you seven hundred times, because my mind will go to all the worst possible case scenarios. Do you know what I thought? Do you know how freaked out Andrew was? Do you even care?” Kevin pushed him again, slightly off balance, trembling hands and hectic breaths. “Cut the bullshit and tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Nothing is wrong. Everything is great. Fuck off from my sight line.” Aaron barked back. Why was Kevin furious? What right did he have to be furious?! None at all. “What, you think you are entitled to know everything about me?!” 

“No, I think I deserve to know since I’m your fucking friend.” Kevin spat out. 

“Leave me alone,” Aaron huffed out, suddenly deflating from all his anger. 

“Come on,” Kevin pleaded, “Don’t be like that. Talk to me.” 

“I don’t wanna talk.”

Simultaneously, two things happened: Aaron’s heart stopped trying to crawl out of his body as Kevin took his hand and leaned close, his green eyes shining. So breathtakingly beautiful. And Andrew’s car honked at the same time. Kevin flinched and took his hand away. 

Andrew came pissed off. “Back off, Day.” He barked. Kevin took two steps back. “You–” Andrew locked eyes with Aaron, “–get in the car.” 

Kevin’s silhouette was blurry with raindrops, as Aaron leaned his head on the window. Andrew’s car smelled of cigarettes, and Aaron thought back to the drag he didn’t take as Kevin snatched his cigarette away. His legs were bouncing up and down. 

“You did not come to practice,” Andrew said, 

“You did not pick up my call,” Andrew said, 

“We agreed no secrets,” Andrew said. 

Aaron thought,  and thought and thought. He wanted, wanted, and wanted.

“Brain is broken today,” Aaron said, 

“I don’t think I can talk today,” Aaron said, 

“I want to go home,” Aaron said. 

“We are going home,” Andrew said. “We’ll talk when you can. You’ll tell me what happened.” 

And, what a great question. What happened? Why did Aaron’s brain decide today was a bad day? Out of all the days, this day started normally, he woke up, got ready for the gym, then he was leaving his room. And boom. His brain said You can’t go. And why did the breaths he was trying to take suddenly stop? Why did the floor escape from his feet? Why did he lose his footing? Why did he get back to bed, even tho he was sure Matt was waiting for him downstairs? Why did he ignore all the calls and all the texts? 

You see, it was just a sudden thought, knocking the breath out of him and suffocating him. He was leaving the dorm, bringing a jacket with him, because Kevin almost always forgot his before Gym, and he would freeze on his way to the car, and Aaron was making sure to bring it to him. I don’t want him to get cold again. He thought, and suddenly, a trail of thoughts entered his mind, thoughts he would never dare to have, but his brain was different. His brain was not listening to him; it was an independent organ. Like, it wanted to separate from Aaron, and so it would create all the inconceivables for him. The brain said, Why do you care so much about Kevin. Aaron froze.

Why do you care so much about Kevin? 

Well, he is a friend. Right? Aaron may not have had a lot of friends growing up, but he knew the general rules of friendships. You care about your friends. 

Is that so? The brain said. Aaron frowned. Retreating into his mind, to maybe get away from the thoughts he did not want to have, and maybe dig deeper. But how do you research your own scattered thoughts and feelings? 

At least, he knew the difference between his caring towards Kevin and his feelings for Katelyn. The difference was huge. While Kevin invited the roughness and defensiveness of his rawest essence, it also enabled his fierce protective nature. Kate, however, indulged the feeling of being exposed, the feeling of wanting to be rejected. The constant loop of thoughts in Aaron’s head during the highs and lows of the relationship differed from please, please let me have her to I don’t deserve her. It was insufferable. It was thrilling and exhausting at the same time.

One of the greatest benefits of the drugs was that the feelings they intensified. Awareness, sensibility, affection, intuitiveness, responsiveness - All the feelings he felt, he would feel a hundred times more immensely. He could just probe into the infinite ending of his own body and divide each feeling, examine it, and put it back. Aaron missed those times when he was aware of his body in a way that he had never been after. 

But now, suddenly, the imposter thoughts were crashing into him, bringing the feelings he was unaware of. He felt out of sync with his mind and flesh. 

Okay, no! Aaron thought, It’s just my brain playing tricks on me. He thought, It’s not true. The brain went into overdrive again, conjuring the memories, memories, and memories. Suddenly, it decided to circle back to all the times Aaron and Kevin touched. They did it often, Kevin lying next to him, his feet beneath Aaron’s thighs. Kevin standing next to him, hand lying lazily on Aaron’s shoulder. Kevin playing with him, hitting Aaron’s bare arms playfully. Kevin grabbing his hand when he was quoting the book he was reading. Aaron blushing. All the fucking time.  

Why do you care so much about Kevin? 

It’s a big no! Aaron thought, It’s a perfectly normal reaction. I mean, for fucks sake, he was a kid who had never been touched by affection all his childhood. Touch meant hurt. He was not familiar with such casual touches. So, it was not true, just a perfectly healthy, touch-starved person’s reaction. The brain laughed. Aaron was then given a reminder of the times he and Kevin spent together. Almost always together. Studying in his room, playing next to each other on the couch. Walking to the health place, Kevin liked. Always. Fucking. Together. 

Why do you care so much about Kevin?

But, then again, dear brain, that was perfectly common for college students who breathed and walked Exy. They shared half of the day due to practices, and half of it to study together, because they lived next to each other. Everyone spends that much time together in college. 

Why do you care so much about Kevin?

Aaron refused to let his brain put doubtful narratives into him. He would just not listen to his mind– His brain was loud, messy, and demanding. -Answer me, Aaron —No, fuck you very much. 

So, the moment he left his dorm, he could not concentrate. Aaron could barely coordinate his legs to walk. The brain was cruel. Too loud. Too much. Too fast. With every thought racing past him, he was unable to catch them. It was almost like being locked in a room where a thousand different people were talking at you at the same time. It was purely maddening. 

Aaron would catch some memories from time to time, shinier than others. His brain chanting - Look, look Aaron. Look at yourself with him. See it, feel it, and answer me.

Memories like— a day after a sleepover, when Kevin and Aaron were having a rare occurrence of night practice, and Kevin doubled over– laughing with all his body, as Aaron made a joke. Pure excitement in his face, eyes glowing with tears, poking at the corner. Oh, Aaron, I think your sense of humor might be taller than you. He’d said. Aaron scowled, masking the amusement caused by the foolishness of Kevin. A giddy feeling blossoming in his stomach. 

Or— Kevin coming to his room in the middle of the night. Aaron, as usual, awake because of nightmares. Can I crash here? Kevin looking so helpless and tired. Aaron's heart squeezing. Of course, Kevin. Aaron smiling as the soft breathing of Kevin lulling him to sleep. 

Or— Aaron and Kevin, together in the kitchen, making a disgusting green salad. Kevin was all bossy and a whining mess, while Aaron poked at his sides with the fork. Oh, my god, shut up, Kevin! 

Or— Kevin quizzing Aaron on anatomy, using his own hand as a tool. What’s this one? Ghost of touch on his calloused hand, slightly trembling. That might just be your ugly thumb, Kevin. Kevin smacking his head. Laughing, and always fucking laughing. 

Or— Kevin, alone in the lounge, in the court. Anxiety bleeding off him. Today, it’s very hard. And Oh, Kevin. And Aaron’s arms a solid ground for him to lean on. I’m so fucked up. Whisper, wet, shaky. You are doing so well, Kev. We’ll get past this, don’t worry, okay? 

Why do you care so much about Kevin? 

The brain said, You like Kevin, Aaron.

And fuck, fuck, fuck. 

 

*** 

Aaron refused to move from his bedroom that night, so Andrew kicked Matt out. 

“Is he okay?” Matt asked worriedly, and Andrew stared at him passively, clearly tempted to show his blades. Matt frowned, crouching down to Aaron’s motionless, corpse-like form, and whispered, “Text me, okay?” 

Andrew clearly had had enough because he dragged Matt by his shirt, away from Aaron, and locked the door in his face. 

“Do you need to talk to Bee?” He asked. 

Aaron shook his head. 

What could he say to Betsy? Oh, hey, do you remember how fucked up I am? Can you add one more equation to the list? Turns out I like boys. 

Turns out I like boys.

I like boys. Not every boy, tho. I like Kevin. Bee, how fucked is that? Boys. Kevin. 

Kevin. I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin.  I like Kevin. 

No, shut up. 

You like Kevin. 

Shut up! Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up.

Overwhelmed with his brain racing, his thoughts and feelings battling each other, Aaron bit his lip to keep the tears at bay. Oh, god, what is happening? 

His twin lay beside him. “Brain is loud.” He said. “Yes?” 

Aaron nodded. Andrew then took out the wires of the earphones, dividing each half. “Sleep,” He said, and the melody started playing. His brain was fighting off the song, but Aaron at least could focus on the song. He could pretend the words of a song were the only ones running through his brain. 

On his right, Andrew was also listening to the song, with his other earphone in. He was staring at the ceiling. Keeping him company, and Aaron’s heart clasped. Oh, hello, brother. Do you want to know how broken my brain is?! 

And, so sleepless, they lay side by side.

Notes:

Hello lovelies!

Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings in the comments <3

Chapter 11: Chapter 10

Notes:

song of the chapter
Exit music - Radiohead
Pianoman - billy joel

Wake from your sleep, 
The drying of your tears, today, we escape
We escape.

 

*** 

Aaron was born in pain. He was born with a big, agonizing pain in his heart. He was born lost, and found, and lost again. Lost in the hands of his own mother, lost from his other part. He was born in pain—a changeless companion. 

He was picked as a replacement, as a filler for the guilt. He was picked as an outlet to show off, as an object to control and take out the anger on. He was a forgotten plate, flung and broken, in need of releasing the anger. He was constantly thrown against the wall, shattered to pieces, picked back up, glued with unsteady hands, just so the cycle could continue. 

Aaron was born sick. Aaron was born as an unhappy person and in his short time of living, had not really known the happiness that would light up his world, open an arm for him, embrace him, and correct all his wrongs. 

Wrongs, they were plenty. Growing inside him were all the wrongs his mother wished to correct. But Aaron knew that one broken person can not correct another broken person. One hateful mother can not raise a kind child. One selfish mother could only ever raise another selfish child. One loveless human could not bless another with ripe roots of love. 

So, wrongs were the thorny plants growing inside him, squeezing his heart with sharp edges, ripping the flesh within, and making him bleed. 

There was a point in his life when he realized that he was not friends with God. God, that left him as him. Useless, boneless, bitter, angry child, never ever growing up. 

“Come now, Aaron,” Tilda hissed, rushing towards the church. Little Aaron was hurrying as much as he could. On the verge of fainting and falling over. His stomach grumbling on the way. 

You can have the food once you deserve it. Tilda was always selective about when to reward and when to punish Aaron. He needed to be straightened out, corrected, grow a backbone, and be a good boy. He needed to be a lot of things, mostly new ones every day.  

He was sat next to dejected Nicky for the whole ceremony. Not understanding the big words the pastor was saying, and feeling so wrong, wrong, wrong. 

And God spoke all this words, 

You shall have no other gods before me.  

Nicky was moving his mouth with the crowd, no sound coming out.

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. 

Nicky was trembling.

You shall not murder. 

Nicky was biting his lips.

You shall not commit adultery. 

Nicky was clutching one hand with the other. Pressing and pressing. 

Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.”

Nicky was twirling the silver cross on his neck, the chain making the smallest sounds of despair. 

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination. Do not lie with a male as one lies with a woman; it is an abhorrence. You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.

A single tear was running down Nicky’s cheek. 

And Aaron watched, curious. Leaning yet again, that the words were the things that hurt people the most. How could words, from a man centuries ago, cause physical pain to people in the future? Aaron was not sure. 

He placed his small hand in Nicky’s and whispered Don’t cry, Nicky. And his cousin’s shoulders shook and shook, and he squeezed Aaron’s hand. 

Why are your hands always so cold? And I will be gone for a while, you will take care of yourself, right, big boy?

And, where are you going, Nicky? Lips wobbly and eyes watery, and don’t go, Nicky. 

And the pain was sharp as the back of his mother's hand collided with his cheek as he watched his cousin drive away, crying. 

Tilda said, Boys like him need to be sorted out. No place for abnormalities in this world. As she hit another dose, passing out on the couch. 

Aaron knew that it was God who took his cousin away from him. It was God’s words, causing him pain. And he knew they sent Nicky away, because they thought something was wrong with him. 

Aaron begged to differ, and his mother slapped him black and blue. Aaron never asked, Mom, is something wrong with me, too? Afraid to be sent away. 

 

*** 

Andrew rarely left his side, and Aaron was close to the second day, without getting out of his bed. His twin was an unmovable force, separating him and the life out there, but as Aaron said to Andrew, he could only do so much. No one would ever be able to save him from his own fucked up head. 

 

*** 

The concept of time and space was forgotten as Aaron floated in his own memory lane.

The conversation started with -  It’s a terrible thing, Aaron. To keep a war to yourself. The birds chirped, the last rays of summer sun were kissing goodbye to the trees starting to shed, and Aaron stood, with a heavy stone of words living inside him, pressing him down, squeezing the blood out of his heart. 

“That’s what you want then?” Aaron asked. Voice cold, to conceal the waver within. Hands in pockets to hide the shake. Eyes to the sky to mask the wet battle he was unwilling to lose. 

“What I want–” Katelyn was quiet, level-headed. Soft fire stirring. “–is for you to fight for me, but I don’t think you can do that. I mean, you can’t even fight for yourself, sweetheart.” 

“I want to fight for you, Kate–” Aaron argued, but he knew the war was long lost “–I am fighting for you, you are just not letting me have you.” 

Lies turned acid in his mouth. 

“I’m not saying you don’t want this, Aaron. But, I think you shouldn’t want this more than you want to help yourself.” 

“You are all I need,” Aaron tried again, so resigned, “I don’t need any help when I have you.” 

That’s a terrible burden to unload on someone. Aaron knew, but the thing about little scrawny boys, with a big, capital letters of SADNESS written on their hearts, was that, if they could find something, they would grab it forever, like a mean kid in the school yard, and would not let it go until they broke it. 

“I love you,” Kate whispered, a little secret they were too shy to scream aloud in the universe. “I wish you loved yourself enough, too.” 

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, Aaron. She used to say back then. 

“I love you, too,” Aaron whispered. But, in reality, love was always something heavy for him. Something he had to carry.

The thing about summer is that even though it’s made of heat and sun, it’s mostly about the storms that come and go. Destroying the universe in a matter of seconds.

Summer had come and gone. Summer had come and gone, and the world was ending. 

In the end, it was Aaron who spilled out the words. This is it then. And yes, it was the end and the start. The end of something wonderful, something Aaron only ever allowed himself to want and want and dream in small doses, and the start of a forever winter. He would freeze and freeze, and the words written on his heart would grow and grow. 

The last smile was not really a smile. It was pitiful trying to confess the true ache. And the hurt was so deep that it was way beyond tears, and so their faces were dry.

 

*** 

A month after their breakup, the conversation started with I miss you. And it ended there. Unanswered texts. 

Aaron missing and missing, and aching.

And he felt that the world was settling around him, while he was stuck in the dump rain, washing away. 

Aaron was washing away. 

*** 

“Nicky?” Aaron whispered on the edge of consciousness. “What are you doing here?” They sent you away. He wanted to add. 

“You were asking for him,” Andrew replied. 

“Nicky,” Aaron called out, opening his eyes fully. His cousin had grown up. No trace of the shattered teenager he was, stuck in the horrible house, with horrible parents, and a horrible aunt. No trace of purple marks on his eyes. No trace of a cross on his neck. Oh, love, Aaron thought, you have fought the battle and won. “Nicky, he was wrong, I remember.” He whispered as Nicky took his hand, getting on his knees next to Aaron’s bed. 

“Who was wrong, baby?” Nicky whispered back. 

“Luther–” Sharp intake of breath came from two people in the room, a dead quiet silence making way for his words. “–I remember, when we were at the ceremony, he said all that stuff, and you were crying, remember?” The sadness in Nicky’s eyes was animated, a few stars falling and falling and falling. “He sent you away, and Tilda said, the world did not need abnormalities. But, the only abnormalities were them, I remember now.” 

“Baby,” Nicky’s wet whisper disturbed the stillness in the room, “why did you remember that now?” Very careful. 

Aaron thought and thought and thought, and he said, “She hit me so hard, Nicky. And, you said, 'take care of yourself, big boy, ' and I tried so, so hard.” 

And Aaron could feel the bones inside him breaking and rearranging themselves, and the world ended, and ended, and ended.

“They hurt you,” He said, “I remembered your purple eyes.” He accused. All this time, thinking the only scars Nicky had were physiological, when in reality, two of them were living and shaping up in the same hell. 

“Yes, baby, but I healed. I got away from them, and now I’m fine.” 

“You were broken,” Aaron was surprised when Nicky wiped away tears from his own cheeks, his touch soft and caring. 

“I was. And then I healed.” Nicky repeated, “That’s life, right, baby? We just live between hurting and healing.” 

And Aaron said I was scared for you, Nicky, I remember now. And Nicky lay next to him, hugging the cold away.

*** 

“How often do you have the episodes?” Andrew asked him. Feet tucked under the duvet. His hands were hidden in his hoodie sleeves. 

Shrugging, Aaron lifted his head from the pillow. “You don’t have to stay here all the time, you know, right?” 

“It’s been only three days,” Andrew replied. 

“Still, you don’t have to guard me, I told you, Andrew.” Aaron signed, turning away from his twin, facing the wall, “You can not protect me from my mind.” 

“I never knew about this,” Andrew said after the silence stretched between them. “Since when?” And the question was clear, and Aaron thought and thought and thought, and he could not reach the end line, because the depression was always there, with him, since he could remember the beginning of his time. 

“Always,” Aaron answered. 

And Andrew was furious at the world. He was a furious person by design. Unforgiving, given the nature. He was so furious, he disappeared from the room for hours. To mourn in silence, accompanied by cigarettes. He sent Nicky in his place. 

*** 

“Is your psycho here?” Allison sneaked into his room on the fourth day.

Aaron was rotting away in his bed. He guessed his brother had told something to Wymack, because no one had bothered him - no practices, no doctor visits, no classes.

Aaron was just decomposing in the dorm room. 

“No,” Aaron replied. Voice raspy after not talking for a full day. “What are you doing here?” 

“Heard you are having a pity party,” Allison sat across from him in the bed. “Kevin is making it everyone’s problem.” 

Nope, no. Veto on that name. “I don’t wanna talk about it,”

“But precious, I thought we melted the disagreements away with fireworks,” She smirked. 

“I don’t get you,” Aaron remarked, pulling up the hood that fell over his eyes. “It’s been years since we’ve known each other, and only now you are interested in me.” 

“You can calm your tits, I’m not in love with you.” 

Aaron raised an eyebrow. “Never would have guessed,” He muttered. 

Allison shifted one leg, throwing over the other, and looked at him, “Definitely not in love with you, five-foot-nothings are not my type, but maybe I care just a little.” She said. 

“Why?” 

“Oh, honey, you are on suicide watch here. Pretty pathetic, did you know I hate pathetic? Anyways, this state of yours is making my doll pathetic too.” She rolled her eyes, flicking her hair away. “I mean, he’s been more nightmare than usual on the practices. He made all the freshmen cry; some stormed out. He fought with Wymack, and even your psycho cornered him with a knife.” Aaron’s heart stopped, and stopped, and stopped. “I had to manage guard watch on him, stopped him from drinking three times yesterday alone. Then the French one called, and they were having a little swearing party in French, it was so hot, until Kevin started crying anyway, and so—” 

“No, stop.” Aaron cut her off. “Why are you telling me this?” 

“Okay, listen,” She looked at him dead in the eyes, her composure failing, all tired eyes and hunched shoulders, like a mirror breaking. “I get that he hurt you, that’s why you are here, and whatever he did, must have been shit if you fought with him, and spiraled this bad–”

He did not. He did not hurt me. He did nothing wrong. Aaron wanted to scream, but instead averted his eyes, unable to face the guilt. 

“–But, you are not the only one hurting.” Allison finally finished. And, then because the world was cruel, and Aaron was cruel, and the fucked up universe was cruel, Allison added, whispering, “I can’t– I just can’t lose another one. I refuse to.”

The world was falling apart, and Allison looked heavy with the weight of grief that life had dropped on her shoulders. 

“He did nothing wrong,” Aaron said finally. “I mean- he did not hurt me. It’s just me. Happens most times.” 

And if a gaze could cut skin, Aaron would be bleeding in front of Allison’s furious stare. “Then why would you? –No, you know what, I don’t care. Today, we fix you; tomorrow, we fix him.” She finally said. “I’m so tired of this fucked up place.” 

“There’s nothing to fix,” Aaron said, resigned. 

“Funny, you say that, because I, for one, smell at least one thing you can fix,” She wrinkled her nose, “I mean, when was the last time you showered?” 

And it was so silly to worry about showering when Aaron felt he was drowning that he laughed. And laughed, and laughed. 

“Oh, there he is,” Allison smiled too. 

She raided his closet, threatened to throw out most of the stuff and buy him a whole mall tomorrow, and when was the last time you bought something, little Minyard, because these are from a decade ago, and then forced him into the shower. 

Showering was hard before going in. Once the water droplets touched his skin, it got easier, and Aaron was baffled by how undoable something seemed when you were using all your energy to fight with your brain. 

He emerged in clean clothes, feeling fresh and a little bit better. He even managed to ignore his racing thoughts. Allison was perched on his desk, texting on her phone. She looked up, assessing him, and satisfied with her result, she said, “Welcome to the world of hygiene.” Aaron scowled at her, “We are going out. Get the jacket.” 

It seemed like a very bad idea, and so Aaron protested weakly, but Allison shut him up with one look. “Just food,” she said, “And fresh air, you will suffocate here.” And she opened the windows to air out the room, forced him to change the sheets, and grabbed his jacket. 

Aaron texted Andrew that he was going out with Allison, and the response was an immediate call. 

“Where.” Andrew said, clearly annoyed. 

“I don’t know. She’s taking me out to eat.” Aaron replied. 

“Address.” He said, and the line went dead. Aaron signed. 

“Andrew’s coming too.” He told Allison as they made their way to her pink car. 

“Oh, joy.” 

 

*** 

Breathing, eating, walking, and just being seemed a little less heavy now that he was out than when he was stuck in bed. Aaron knew that. He’s done this cycle so often that it was like second nature. 

So, yes, sitting next to Allison, who was chatting with Nicky, who was throwing nervous glances at Andrew, who was watching Allison with murder in his eyes, was a little bit easy. A little bit normal. 

After Aaron finished the whole menu, and he almost got into a fighting match with Allison, who kept adding more and more fries on his plate, to just fucking stop, I can’t breathe anymore. Andrew asked him out—just the two of them. 

They stood by the car, Andrew offering cigarettes to him in a practiced manner. The smoke was diving into his lungs, curling around the veins, and coming out little by little. 

“Is she the new cheerleader?” Andrew asked.

Genuinely surprised, Aaron choked on his own spit. “No, what the fuck.” He said after the coughing match, fighting for air. 

“You listened to her, whatever she said.” Andrew pointed out, deliberately looking at him to watch his reaction. Ah, brother. You are not even close. 

Aaron shrugged, done with the conversation. Andrew was being ridiculous. He flicked the butt and looked at his twin. “I’m going to classes tomorrow, and back to the practice.” 

Andrew watched him for a long time, raising an eyebrow, sensing the words piled up in Aaron’s throat. Instead of swallowing them down, Aaron looked at Andrew in the eyes, the same eyes, and said, “Thank you.” 

Andrew went back without saying a word. The world felt a little less heavy. 

*** 

Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. 

Stupid, beautiful Kevin was looking at Aaron. Hesitation dropping off from his bones. Eyes uncertain and one hand cradling the other.

Guilt had never felt more bloody in Aaron’s mouth. In the end, Aaron made his way towards him. Kevin watched carefully. Aaron could not tell if Kevin was more pissed at him or worried about him. He thought that Kevin himself could not tell either.

“Hey,” He said casually. Anything, but casually, if he was being honest. 

“Hey,” Kevin returned. He was not wearing a jacket, because of course he was not wearing a jacket and was freezing his ass off outside the gym. Aaron took his jacket off and handed it to Kevin, who suspected it, like he was accepting the poison. “Thanks.” He said. 

Aaron shrugged. Fingers grasping the hem of his hoodie sleeve. A nervous twitch. “How are you?” he asked, like a fucking loser. 

“Fine,” Kevin said shortly. Awkwardness was not melting. 

Aaron groaned internally, ignoring half of his thoughts, and scowled at Kevin. “Fine?”

“Yes, Aaron.” Kevin rolled his eyes, “I’m fine. How are you?” Sarcastic asshole. 

“Fine.” Aaron bit out. They were going the hard way then. 

It was a practiced dynamic, push and pull, and then going back to apologize. He had done this dance before with Kevin. He could do it now, too. He wanted to mend things and move forward from the bad blood he shed before his spiral, because it was the right thing to do. 

He would not let his traitorous brain dictate their friendship. It could scream at him all it wanted; Aaron did not care. He and Kevin were friends, and would be. At least, until Aaron would burn the bridge with no way back, because that’s what he tend to do. 

“Didn’t see you for the past few days,” Kevin said, all nonchalant nervousness and hand cradling the other. Aaron’s heart squizzed. 

“Yeah,” he bit his lip, “I was poorly.” 

“Poorly?” Kevin scowled, “That’s what you call it then?” Oh, and hello, there you are, the most welcome anger. Aaron could do anger. Could do screaming matches. What he could not do was silence and awkwardness. “Coach had to sign you off for days, for half a week you missed practices, school; you blew up on me and then you disappeared, and no one– Not one single person would tell me anything.” And Kevin’s voice broke from anger, and he looked away quickly. Hands coming to his eyes, and Aaron felt the ground beneath him open and drag him down, to the endless fire where he belonged, because what do you say to that? I’m sorry, Did not even cover half of it. 

“Kevin,” Aaron started, feeling small and silly, “I’m sorry for blowing up on you. I was having a bad day, and it was really shitty of me to take it out on you.”

“Yeah,” Kevin nodded, finally turning back, “Yeah, it was.” And his green eyes were so intense, and so shiny that Aaron let out a breathy, nervous laugh. 

“Fuck, this is awkward,” He rubbed his hands together, “Tell you what, if you let me make it up to you, I will try my best. But if you are done, just tell me, and I will not bother you anymore.” 

And the little, tiny hopes in Aaron’s heart screamed in agony, Don’t be done with me; but, regardless of what his heart was screaming, Aaron knew how unfair it was to trap Kevin in this friendship and drag him through it, when he could not even control his mind. When he could barely function days at a time, when he knew, the next spiral would come eventually. And what if next time, his mind would not be satisfied with only just hinting that he liked Kevin, what if it made him do much more stupid things?! He knew it was only fair if Kevin decided he wanted nothing to do with him. 

Kevin furrowed his brows and assessed Aaron. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He bit out finally, and Aaron drew into himself a little, ”What do you mean done with you? I just wanted to know if you were okay?!” He then proceeded to take a step forward, going into Aaron’s space and looked at him with those pretty eyes of his, “One bad day and nasty fight does not scare me away, Aaron,” He whispered, finally. The moment too intimate to disturb with loud voices. He took Aaron’s hand in his, earnestly, like he was trying to transfer all the meaning to him through this touch. “Your fight does not scare me. I, too, have bad days, and you’ve been at the receiving end of most of them, you know. But you–shutting me out without a single word for days, that’s what scares me. Maybe, don’t do it again?”

And the relief was so deep that his face was split with a gentle smile. “I won’t,” Aaron promised, and he intended to keep the promise. “I won’t shut you out, Kevin.” 

And so, the big, heavy load was lifted from his chest. 

For now, he could ignore all the other remaining problems, his big, uncertain feelings, and his mind’s new obsessions. Because Kevin Day smiled like Aaron just told him he won the championships, and a little blush rose on his cheeks, despite the cold. 

“And you will tell me what happened?” Kevin asked, “What really happened?” 

Aaron hesitated. How could he tell Kevin, oh, you know, I just realized my stupid fucking feelings for you. What feelings? Just my big fat crush on you. No, he most definitely could not do that, so instead he said, “I just had an episode, happens sometimes.” 

“Like, depression?” Kevin asked, gently, not to brush Aaron’s sharp edges. 

“Yeah, Kev, exactly like depression.” Aaron sighed, “It’s been happening since childhood. Nothing new. Something happens, I blow up and then spiral for days.” 

“Fuck,” Kevin rubbed Aaron’s palm, warming it up. “I texted and called you. Should have gotten the hint when Andrew threatened me with a knife.” 

“Yeah, heard about that,” Aaron grimaced. “Fucking meddler, he had no right to do that.” 

Kevin squizzed his hand before letting go, and Aaron’s heart did a backflip. Stupid, stupid heart. 

“It’s okay,” Kevin said and looked back. “I’m just glad you are okay. It was really shitty, these couple of days. I thought you were avoiding me. I could not figure out what I did wrong, and fuck, I was going mad. Thought I’d scared you away.”  

Aaron’s heart was bleeding and bleeding with guilt. Kevin, this beautiful, strong, stupid boy, in front of him, seemed so unreal that he wanted to pinch his own skin. Months ago, he couldn’t have even imagined what Kevin would come to mean to him. But the coldest days of winter warmed with this bond they developed. 

“I’m sorry, Kevin.” Aaron pleaded, desperate to make him understand. “It was bad?” He dared to ask then. 

Kevin understood the question immediately. Eyes feeling up with different kinds of dim light. “Yes, but Allison stopped me every time.” He whispered. “She even slapped me once.” He smiled fondly. “Don’t tell Andrew.” 

“As if I would.” Aaron grinned. 

“Let’s head back before they come looking for us–” Kevin looked back at the gym door, scratching his head. “–We’ll talk at home, right?” 

Aaron nodded, smiling. “Let’s go then.” And so the torture began. 

*** 

The catching up in classes was hard, and so came in Tessa, with her neat notes and her pretty smile. She was a sweet girl. It was just that Aaron wished she would stop all the accidental touching with his skin, because it felt too tight, too hot, and too unpleasant. 

She would lean in with Did you get this one, Aaron? And brush his hand with her delicate finger, and her floral perfume would strain his nose, and Aaron wished, not for the first time, that he was brave enough to just tell her there was no need with all this touching and leaning close, but instead, he sat through the study group, enduring all that. 

After very productive hours, he left when the library was closing. Nicky was leaning against the wall, waiting for him with a hot drink in his hand. “Hello, favorite cousin,” He greeted cheerfully, giving Aaron the cup. 

Drinking the hot beverage, Aaron hummed, “Tastes good, thank you, Nicky.” They fell into a walk towards the dorms, “What were you doing in the area anyway? I know you hate the library.” 

It was true, Nicky really hated the library. He preferred studying in his room to avoid the noise and unnecessary restrictions, such as speaking quietly. He also could not sit still for a long period of time, and Aaron has seen him pacing while reading more often than not. 

“I just came to get you.”

“Oh, what do I owe the pleasure to?” Aaron cocked his brow. 

“Just missed you, that’s all.” Nicky strode ahead and turned, gasping, “Did I tell you about that bitch from marketing class?” and so he began to ramble. 

As they got closer to the dorms, Nicky’s rambling grew more chaotic, and he could barely follow one story at a time. A distraction method he used. Nervous habit. So, Aaron just straight out stopped walking. 

“What’s up in your mind, Nicky?” He demanded. 

Nicky, awkwardly smiling, stopped too. “Baby, I know how bad it gets for you.” He started, “But you really scared me this time. I mean, the memory you told me, where did that come from?” 

“I don’t know.” Aaron lied. Caught in a headlight. 

Sensing his defensiveness, Nicky sighed. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, baby, but I was thinking–” Aaron groaned, Nicky rolled his eyes at his cousin’s dramatics, “-no, listen to me. I was thinking, what if you started seeing Betsy for solo sessions too? Not just mandatory, but regularly. Just to dip your toes in the water, see if she can do something about the depression. There are ways that help you cope with it better. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but I was diagnosed with depression back in Germany. The sessions and the pills helped a lot–” Nicky smiled softly, “-I mean, Erik was the biggest help, but yeah. I’m just saying, it does not always have to be this way.” 

Nicky, this amazing, brilliant, bright boy. His cousin, who’s been through so much, was standing in front of Aaron, asking him to look out for himself, and always thinking about him. Always taking care of him. And Aaron suddenly vomited the words, he swore just yesterday, that he would take to the grave. 

“Nicky,” The world was falling, falling, falling. “Nicky, I think I like boys.” 

And the world kept spinning.

Notes:

enjoy yall