Chapter Text
"What's so interestin' about her footprints?" Antonia asked, hovering over me.
"These aren't hers." I told her. Crouching to take a better look at these prints, they were heading north, thankfully we were going east, to our next stop at that deserted town.
"They're not?" She sounded a bit uneasy. Crouching next to me to take a better look as well. "They look the same to me, you're sure?"
"These prints are older and she didn't go that way." I pointed out, "She was gone for less than an hour. These prints are a couple of days old, at least three days I would wager."
"Hm… I suppose you're right. But how do you know these aren't hers?" Antonia didn't like the idea of another monster lurking around, one was already too much for her. "They look awfully similar to me, how do you know she didn't accidentally walk this path before meetin' me?"
"I'm certain we didn't walk this way," Although the woods all looked the same to me, I was sure we didn't walk this way. "And also because they're a bit smaller and not as deep as hers." I said, pointing at Lillian's prints for reference, "But despite the long claws, this beast is smaller than her."
"Let's hope it's weaker too, you reckon this beast is still out?" She asked. "Did she go after it?"
I shrugged, "Most likely, she goes around to hunt and scan the area for any loomin' danger every time when we're about to camp. She'll be back soon."
"She better." She stood and chewed on her fingers nervously. "I don't like this, I don't like it one bit."
"Relax, it's gonna be alright," Or at least I hoped. "This beast is probably starvin' and won't stand a chance against her." I stood and looked around for any other signs. There were no sounds but the wind. Not a single bird or an animal nearby. It might be truly gone, or just waiting for the perfect moment to lunge at us—No, if it was near she would have picked it up already.
"What if it comes back now?" She said, "We're ill equipped to handle a plain bear and this thing is at least twice the size of a bear! And starvin' animals become desperate—so desperate that death doesn't frighten them no more. We're sittin' ducks without her."
"It won't," I told her. "The trail is days old and that beast is long gone, and if it's near Lillian would deal with it." Although I felt like we could take a bear with what we got, but a beast? Both of us practically had zero knowledge on how to hunt these monsters. I didn't want to take my chances with it.
She didn't say anything and continued biting on her fingers. Looking around for anything moving or lurking in the woods.
"She'll be back anytime now," I said, "Let's get a fire goin' till then, in case she brought somethin' for dinner with her."
Antonia sighed, "Right. Fire is a good idea." And went collecting leaves and sticks.
"You seem OK with her presence now." I scoffed, gathering some of my own too.
"At least I would be safer from whatever lurkin' in the woods when she's by your side." The thief said. "Don't expect me to start pettin' her like you do anytime soon." Like she would even allow her.
We gathered the wood and leaves in a pile and sat around it as the sun kept creeping down. I reached my pocket for some matches—just to be reminded I had used them all. "Got any matches?"
"Of course," She took a match box from her backpack and struck a match in the pile. In no time it turned into a blazing flame, I fed the fire as Antonia took something else from her backpack. When I looked I found her rolling a cigarette .
"Want one?" she asked.
"Unless it's your last."
"Don't worry about it, I got enough to last me for a whole month." She said, offering me the cigarette she just rolled.
"Thanks." I took the cigarette. It was neatly rolled—almost perfect. She rolled one for her too and lit it from the fire. I did the same.
"I didn't see you smokin' back there," I said.
"The old man doesn't like it." She took a deep drag from the cigarette. "Smoke bothers him but gunpowder somehow doesn't."
"His house his rules I suppose." But not when it comes to beasts staying the night over.
She sat watching the fire. She seemed nervous but the cigarette helped her relax a bit. "It seems she's not comin' back anytime soon. At least the fire would help deter that beast if it's still around."
"It seems like it," I took a drag of my own as well. Silence fell, only the crackling could be heard as the night enveloped the woods, the fire offered a false sense of security. It might frighten animals, but these beasts aren't mere animals. I wonder if it's the same as Lillian—or if they have gone mad already…
She looked around with the cigarette stuck in her mouth, like something might be stalking us. I laughed when I took another drag.
She looked at me, "What's so funny?"
"Nothin', I just remembered how you called me 'pretty face' yesterday."
"Well, you got a pretty face I gotta admit." She shrugged casually, "Shame that I had to ruin it." A grin found its way on her face as the smoke escaped.
"Really funny."
"Yeah I know," She said, smoking some more, "So, I get why you would have so many guns, but a sword? Seems a bit cumbersome and silly, don't you think?"
"It can get in the way sometimes, but you don't know when you run out of ammunition."
"You should probably trade it for a hatchet. Smaller and easier to use, and stays deadly even when the blade doesn't cut." I noted her suggestion. She took another drag and exhaled the smoke. "So what are you gonna do once you're done? Would you join the free hunter? I could vouch for you—and her too, as long as you keep it on a short leash. But no promises." I rolled my eyes at this remark.
"I'm not sure honestly." I said, staring at the fire. "I might stick with your people for a while and then leave. Do some jobs here and there with you until I get enough money."
"And she'll help you with those jobs? I suppose it adds a bit of protection when you're in the woods."
I nodded, "It does."
"How long have you been with her?"
"I think it was roughly… Two weeks? Maybe three." I lost track of days a long time ago, they started blending with each other and everything felt the same—it felt the same until she came and flipped my whole world upside down.
"Only two weeks?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Somethin' wrong?"
"No, it's just… You too seem to get along really well despite this short time." She said, "I imagined it to be at least a month or two."
"I suppose survival forces you to make some unlikely alliances." I said, "Besides, she's not that bad of a company."
"I'm surprised she hasn't eaten you yet." These remarks are really starting to annoy me. "Beasts and animals only think about their bellies."
"She almost did when we first met," I shrugged, "But I can't really blame her." The bandit girl expression shifted, not liking what I said.
"What's with the name anyway?" she finally asked, it sounded like it had been bugging her for a long while now. "Is Lillian really her name?"
I drew on the cigarette, "I'm honestly not sure, she just chose that name."
"Chose? What do you mean?"
"Well, when we were travelin' together I asked if she had a name and of course she couldn't remember it. I tried helpin' to see which name would ring a bell or help her remember, in the end she picked Lillian because I told her about my—uh… a dear friend of mine." The last word felt awkward to say.
"My fuckin' God." She said, burying her face in her hands. "She picked the name of your childhood crush." She let out a muffled laugh. "God, that must be really awkward."
"Not like that," I told her, removing the cigarette from my mouth. "Lillian wasn't just a passing childhood crush, we actually loved each other and…" It felt really weird talking about her in front of someone, "I promised we would get married once I get back from the army."
"Why did you tell her about it anyway?" She asked with a wide grin, "Or do you just like talkin' about that girl you love?"
"No it's not like that," I waved my hand, "When we stayed at that haunted house I asked her a lot of questions and obviously she couldn't answer, I thought let her ask me somethin' in return. She asked where I was goin' and I told her I was tryin' to go back to Lillian."
Her grin grew wider. "Connor O'Riley, the most romantic outlaw in the world." She chuckled. "And probably the only one"
"I suppose I'm first in many things." I forced out an awkward chuckle.
"You're definitely a different breed, most criminals I met either do it for the riches or revenge." She leaned slightly forward, "Tell me about this lucky gal of yours." More like unlucky to me.
"I knew her for as long as I can remember and she was always there, we both grew up in the same small town in Missouri." I stared at the blazing fire, contemplating it hunger. "Our story actually began with our parents, funnily enough. Our fathers were close friends and helped preserve the union in the war, mine as a cavalry and hers as a doctor. They wanted their children to be as close as they were, and well, we were. Lillian was a year younger than me and she was really shy when we were little, especially with strangers, she wouldn't even utter a single word and was so quiet no one could catch what she said, but with me she was like a completely different person, loud, playful and, well, she was herself with me. It was… nice knowin' that I made her feel comfortable with me to be herself."
"Aww that's really sweet." She said with a wide and mischievous grin.
I rubbed my neck and looked away, "Come on don't say it like that." I couldn't help but smile like an idiot.
"She's lucky to have someone like you in her life."
"Yeah… What a lucky girl she is…"My smile quickly went away, "I haven't seen her for nearly five long years." I said, looking at the fire. "We used to exchange letters all the time, telling how my days were, how much I missed her, she would respond in kind, even writing short poems for me sometimes. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve her." I took a deep drag and exhaled the smoke with a sigh, "I want to come back one day but it might put her at risk, and I fear she might hate me when I finally do. I changed a lot." Why wouldn't she hate me? I disappeared for years and the only thing she heard about me were from the papers that painted me as a traitor.
"I'm sure she still loves you." She assured me, "You both were always there for each other and were destined to be together."
A sad laugh escaped me, "That's what everyone said. I just hope she thinks of me as much as I do." I just hope she remembers me as fondly as I do.
"I'm sure she does, someone like you is hard to forget." Her words gave me some hope—but hope wouldn't do much.
"I hope you're right."
The bandit girl asked if I could tell her more and complied since we got nothing better to do while Lillian was out. I told her about our childhood shenanigans and the stuff we did while messing around. That one time when we went shooting with my father and how the guns almost flew off her hands, that one time when her mom taught her how to bake and ended up with a burnt loaf—which I ate. That time when we dressed my dog William and tried teaching him table manners. Of course he didn't learn anything.
She laughed and commented how cute these stories were, but our conversation eventually died down and the crackling of fire was the only thing that could be heard. Lillian still hadn't shown up.
"What would you do with the beast?" Antonia finally asked, throwing the butt of her cigarette in the flame. She sounded serious.
"Don't call her that."
She frowned a bit "The wolf gal," She said. "What would you do with her? Take her with you to Lillian as well?"
"I… I don't know."
"Wait," She said, straightening her posture, "You're actually considerin' takin' her with you. You want to keep her as your pet—"
"She's not anyone's pet!" I snapped. But quickly calmed down, I shouldn't raise my voice at her, something might be lurking for all we know. "I just don't know… She wouldn't like it if I left her and might go mad. I owe her my life," I said, "and in a way she needs me."
Antonia paused for a moment, thinking. "Do you sleep with it?" She said out of nowhere.
"What?"
"With that beast of yours," She's still insisting on calling her a beast. "Do you sleep with it?" She repeated in a more accusing tone.
"What kind of question is that?"
"You reeked of her stench the moment we met and when you took a bath at the old man's place you smelled normal, but the next mornin' you regained that foul wet dog stench. You sleep with that thing. It makes you feel better about yourself. You even named her after your girl because she likes you and you're so desperate for someone's love—it doesn't even bother you if it came from a monster."
"What—"
"Oh God please," The look of disgust burning in her eyes, "Tell you haven't touched her or—"
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHIN' WITH HER GODDAMN IT!" I snapped again, this time louder, causing her to shut up. "Damn it woman, throwin' accusations like these." I rubbed my face and sighed. Fuck, where is she now, what is taking her so long?
"We didn't do anythin' of what you're thinkin'," At least not intentionally, "And it wasn't me who started it, she was the one who always sought the other's embrace, and every time I was too tired to protest or make her stop, either from sleep deprivation or from the morphine I found in hunter's bag. At first I hated it, but it grew on me—but neither of us did anythin' of what you are accusin' me of. It was all innocent." I rubbed my face, why is she doing this to me, I'm starting to regret going with her. I don't have to explain myself to anyone. "I don't know what's her deal but I think I remind her of someone she once knew and it brings her comfort when I'm near. She needs me as much as I need her. She keeps me safe while I keep her sane—keep her human." But she was right, I didn't only feel safe with her—I felt loved.
Antonia sighed, "Flint is right and you know that." So she wasn't sleeping that morning. "She is a monster and will always be one, that's her nature, who she was is irrelevant now. What you're gonna do if the moment finally comes and she does lose her mind and sees you as her next meal? She's a ticking bomb for crying out loud."
I wanted to say something but couldn't, nothing I could say would change her mind—or change the truth.
"Listen," She went on, "While you're with me no one would hurt you once we reach the camp, the both of you, you'll do this favor for us and be on your way, but if you want to stay… I can't guarantee you can't keep her with you. Havin' this wild card around would be a huge risk to our whole operation and no one is willin' to risk it for you. Take this advice and hang it around your ear: leave this beast behind once we're done, it would bring you nothin' but trouble, go back to your Lillian, The real Lillian, because she's waitin' for you."
"You think?" I said, rubbing my neck and contemplating the fire. I didn't know what else to say.
"I'm sure of it, like you said, your bond started even before you were born, you two were made for each other." Her words were reassuring, I needed to hear it from someone that wasn't me. "But this thing…" She went on, tone shifted like she was speaking of bad omen. "You can't take it with you, if you want to return to the civilized world you must leave it behind."
I didn't say anything, because all I got was "I can't," as much as I wanted to deny it, deep down I knew she was right. If I wanted to go back to Lillian—The real Lillian—I must leave this creature behind—but I can't, after what we went through I can't just ditch her again, she'll go mad—I might go mad.
She sighed, "When the time comes, I trust you'll make the right decision."
I sat in silence not knowing what to say, staring at the dancing fire, nothing could be heard or seen, the flame barely illuminated the darkness, just the crackling of fire and heat and the cold air. All I could say was 'No she won't.' But this childish response won't work—it won't work because she's right. No matter how hard I deny it she's right, that old man is right. I can't take Lillian—this beast with me, I can't live with her forever. I can't stay like this. And I can't take her with me back to Lillian… But I can't just leave her, after all this… After what we went through… I think I grew to like her too… She's not a beast Goddamn it.
"Speakin' of the devil." The thief murmured, I looked up and saw Lillian approaching our camp, dragging a buck with its throat missing and neck broken. The fire illuminated her bloodied ivory ever so slightly—there was more blood than usual, her fur coat was stained too, she must've hunted something for her and ate while she was out there, that's why it took her so long.
She put the buck next to the fire and sat close to me. Antonia didn't say a word, like our earlier discussion didn't happen—but in a way I felt she was glad that she was here, at least that lurking beast was nowhere near us.
"Found anything dangerous out there?" I asked.
Lillian shook her skull, "No."
Antonia seemed relieved. But the disdain she had for the beast didn't go away.
We cut chunks of the buck and roasted them over the fire, the delicious smell of roasted meat filled the air. We didn't speak much as we ate, Antonia avoided looking directly at the beast, despite the safety Lillian provided, she didn't entirely feel comfortable having her around.
"I want some." The wolf whispered.
"You're still hungry?" I asked, a bit surprised.
She shook her head, "I want to taste cooked meat. It smells good."
"Ah I see," I took some of the roasted meat and gave it to her. She ate it happily and licked her maw.
Antonia glanced briefly and didn't seem to approve.
"Tastes better, right?" I asked in a low voice.
She nodded, "It is. Easier to eat too. Thanks."
"No need." I gave her another piece and went to cut another chunk of buck, there was plenty of meat for the three of us. Antonia looked at us with a disapproving look, but this time there was a hint of guilt in her eyes, she seemed to pity this creature now.
As we ate I gave Lillian some meat. We continued with this ordeal until we had our fill, the fire died down and only embers and a small fire were left to provide some warmth in this cold night. Antonia unpacked her blanket and prepared herself to sleep—making a considerable distance between her and Lillian. Remembering how that ambush went I was about to tell to get a bit closer but opted not, she wouldn't do it anyway.
Lillian laid closer to the fire and curled to sleep, and I sat next her. It was too cold to sleep away and Antonia wasn't facing us, saving us from her judgment. I rested my back against her and closed my eyes trying to get some sleep.
"I heard you shouting." Lillian whispered.
"It was nothin'." I whispered back.
She huffed and made herself a bit more comfortable, "Goodnight Connie." She said softly. But I doubt she believed me. I don't know what to tell her.
My hand moved on its own, feeling the warm fur and playing with her hair—what am I doing? Here I am treating her like my pet—but it gave me some ease of mind.
"Goodnight, Lilli." I said in a low voice.
Nothing is certain in this life, but the only thing I'm certain of is that I can trust her. If there's anyone I could trust it's her—and her alone. She won't betray me. I can't leave her.