Chapter Text
(Friday - Barden University gym - present day)
"Ms. Groves, any luck on finding out if this number is a victim or perpetrator?" Loud panting could be heard over the comm.
"Ms. Groves, are you still there?" Root jogged around the gym, up and down bleachers, hours into a ridiculously gruelling cardio workout beginning to grate on her nerves.
"Harold, she's definitely a victim. Half the girls here are plotting to murder their captain over this cardio routine." Exaggerated groan could be heard from Root as she is elbowed in the stomach by Fat Amy who clumsily stumbled by.
"Honestly at this point, if any of these girls want to kill her, I might let it happen. Justifiable homicide, you know." Root blew out an exasperated breath as she tried to catch up to Amy.
*** (3 days ago)
Lionel Fusco took out a sandwich as he sat waiting in his car. "Hey Glasses, why is Banana Nut Crunch auditioning for the Barden Bellas?"
"Detective Fusco, our new number Aubrey Posen, age 21, is a business major at Barden University who spends most of her free time with that women's acapella group. Bellas rehearsals are seven days a week, two or more hours per day. We needed a way to keep an eye on her."
"But why Cocoa Puffs?"
"You wound me, Lionel!" Root shot back. "I'm not too shabby at karaoke, so the Machine suggested that I audition. Tell him, Harold."
"It's true, Detective Fusco. Myself and Mr. Reese can attest to Ms. Groves' vocal skills on karaoke nights at our local tavern."
"But why am I stuck posing as Root's dad? Did the Machine suggest that too?"
"No, but we thought it best that you work with Ms. Groves and Ms. Shaw on this number."
"No fair Harold! I'm not old enough to be Root's dad." Fusco whined. "Wait--why wasn't I ever invited to karaoke night?"
***(2 days ago)
"Ladies, settle down please. We have a couple of announcements to make." Chloe and Aubrey looked at each other, then waited for the Bellas to sit.
"As you may have already heard, Jessica..." Aubrey hesitated, then quickly whispered to Chloe "or was it Ashley?" Chloe mouthed silently, "It was Jessica."
"As I was saying, Jessica had to drop out of Barden for reasons unknown. And because she is no longer a student, she can no longer be a part of any student activity groups. She's automatically disqualified from being a Bella." Aubrey shushed at some Bellas. They were grumbling loudly that Jessica got screwed over by a computer glitch.
Chloe joined in shushing the Bellas, then added: "We held an emergency audition yesterday to replace the spot vacated by Jessica. There were many great candidates, but we picked what we felt was the best candidate to join our current lineup. She is totes awesome!"
Aubrey nodded at Root, "Everyone, please welcome our newest Bella: Caroline Turing."
Root stood up and gave a brief introduction about herself.
*** (Friday - present day)
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't tase our number right this very minute." Root happily thought of the taser she had tucked away under her Barden Bellas scarf in her book bag.
"Oh it's that kind of party, huh?" Shaw's voice echoed over the comm.
"Ah sweetie, are you jealous?"
"Damn it, Root! Why couldn't my cover be a grad student like you? Why did the Machine make me your stay-at-home wife?"
"Because you look so cute at home! Cleaning our guns all day, washing our huge loads of black clothing, and cooking up delicious meals for little ol' me. If the Machine wants you to be my domestic goddess, who am I to complain?"
"Fuck you Root! I'm so fucking bored!"
"Ms. Groves, Ms. Shaw, can we please not..."
"Harold, you're no fun!" Root pouted as she enthusiastically rammed into Amy's back causing Amy to fall onto Beca.
"Duuuude!!! Owww!!!" Beca howled as she landed face down on the floor.
"Not my fault, twig bitch here shoved me!" Fat Amy pointed at Root. Root rolled her eyes in disbelief.
Aubrey frowned at them.
"Girls, take five."
Sighs of relief heard all around as a pile of Bellas collapsed onto the bleachers. Aubrey huddled with Chloe as they walked out of the gym.
Amy clapped her hands once to get everyone's attention. "Alright ya sweaty smelly dingoes!"
Amy wiped the sweat dripping off her headband, "We need to do something about this! Aca-cardio queen is killing us!"
"Not if we kill her first, dude!" Beca smirked. Lily high-fived her.
"Harold, what can you tell us about Beca? She's always clashing with Aubrey, she hates Aubrey's song choices and absolutely hates being here." Root spoke quietly into the comm.
"Ms. Groves, Beca Mitchell is a freshman, age 18, whose father is a professor at Barden University. Ms. Mitchell wants to be a DJ. There doesn't appear to be any indications that she would want to harm our number."
Cynthia Rose stood up next to Amy. "Seriously guys, I know exactly what she needs." A beat as everyone waited for Cynthia Rose to finish her idea. "Girl needs to get some!"
"I can't imagine Aubrey smoking bud with us." The Bellas stared at Lily-- most of them could barely hear what she said.
"Girl might chill if she got laid on the regular." CR continued. "The Hunter can get her done." CR winked at Stacie.
"In any other situation that might work," Amy gestured at Stacie, "but lesbi-honest, the Hunter has no effect on Aubrey." Stacie crossed her arms and grimaced at Amy.
"The Hunter has been flirting with Aubrey since Day One, but where has that gotten us, huh? Anyone see '#Staubrey' trending anywhere? Anyone ever seen Aubrey crack a smile during rehearsals? Yeah, I didn't think so."
"We need a new approach. My money is on skinny bitch over here." Amy grabbed Root by her shoulders. Root shrugged to get out of Amy's grasp.
Stacie hated to concede to any failure by the Hunter, but Amy did have a point. Stacie had openly flirted with Aubrey, inappropriately touched herself in front of her, done everything she could to get Aubrey's attention ever since auditions but Aubrey had resisted.
Stacie had even asked her out a few times at the beginning of the semester and was politely rejected every time. Stacie had been rejected enough times to know not to ask again. Aubrey's excuse each time was that she had a strict rule about not dating any Bellas.
Wanting to know more about it, Stacie found out from Chloe that Aubrey made up that rule after seeing the conflict and division that occurred during Aubrey's freshman year when her captain was dating a Bella.
When they became co-captains, Aubrey and Chloe agreed on three new rules: that new girls recruited had to be super-hot, that the girls must have perfect pitch, and that no captain should ever date a Bella. Stacie had never felt so frustrated. Stacie sighed sadly.
The conversation about how to get their captain laid ended when Aubrey and Chloe walked back into the gym. "Get up aca-bitches! Back to more cardio. Come on, moooove!" Yup, Aubrey was in drill sergeant mode again.
"Harold, did you hear that? They want me to seduce our number." Root laughed as she ran up the bleachers with her fellow Bellas.
"What!? Ms. Groves, please don't do anything I wouldn't do."