Chapter Text
Iruma, Asmodeus Alice learned to his horror, was wrong about something.
Previously, when engaging in idle thought experiments of how he would react to such an unlikely and purely hypothetical situation, Azz had determined that he would either A), make adjustments to reality until Iruma’s opinion was correct again, or, B), commit himself to sweeping this fact under the rug with all the single-minded determination of a high-ranking politician’s favourite spindoctor. Not that it mattered, however, he’d determined with a blissful smile on his face, seeing as Iruma-sama was of course entirely infallible.
That day, Azz’s reality shattered into tiny little tragic-irony pieces - and neither of his two airtight strategies seemed at all suitable for dealing with a situation where Iruma was not only (horror upon horrors) wrong, but also needed to be corrected at any cost.
This particular flaw in Iruma’s usually impeccable logic revealed itself during a rather slow group study period, in which Azz had attempted to coach both Iruma and Clara in evil essay writing, monsterology, satan studies, and maths; only for Clara to get distracted and run off to play something with Lied, while Iruma and Azz remained behind to strategically exchange information about their classmates and recent events at the school.
(Other people would perhaps call this ‘gossiping’, but other people would be grievously wrong, seeing as Iruma would never engage in something so low and undignified.)
They’d talked about the Music Festival, and had somehow arrived at the topic of romantic entanglements, and who in their year might have a crush on whom. Azz did not normally care about such matters, but thanks to Mother he had something of an eye for it, and gladly put his insights at Iruma’s disposal.
“You know, sometimes I’m a bit jealous of Nee-san,” Iruma finally admitted, in hushed tones, a perfectly fetching blush on his cheeks. “She’s really popular, a lot of people like her, and many… like that. It must be a nice feeling, to know someone else has a crush on you.”
“I’m sure it is,” Azz said diplomatically. He knew that a minimum of four girls and two boys were crushing on him this very moment, but as none of them came even close to Iruma-sama’s perfection, he quite honestly wasn’t impressed. But, well, these things were subjective - and Iruma, who was of course crushed on more heavily than a fine nether-china service being stepped on by an overweight evilephant, might well feel different about-
But then, “Azz-kun,” Iruma said, all huge eyes full of visible resignation and the certainty that the odds were not in his favour, “do you think anyone will ever have a crush on me?”
Azz blinked, and waited for a punchline.
It did not arrive.
Slowly, gradually, he realised that Iruma was serious about this; and that he, wrongfully, believed that nobody at the school was romantically interested in him.
“...if you’ll excuse me,” Azz said, and briefly went to his internal happy place - a fond memory of the villa by the mountains Mother took him to in the summers of his childhood, surrounded by softly sloping meadows that were always overflowing with wildflowers, complete with the tame snakes he used to teach tricks - where he stood and screamed for a while.
“I think, Iruma-sama,” he continued, after having composed himself and squashed down the impulse to set fire to something, “with how wonderful and lovely you are, it is quite possible that someone already has a crush on you. Is perhaps even irrevocably in love with you. A someone who is quite close to you, perhaps.”
“That’s kind of you to say,” Iruma smiled, sad and wistful, yet determined to be brave nonetheless, “but I really don’t think so. That seems very unlikely, considering it’s me you’re talking about, and I’m not all that wonderful. Maybe someone will grow to like me romantically in a decade. Or two. Or maybe never? Yes, never seems like a good bet.”
“Hmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!” Azz said, and set his desk on fire.
In the ensuing screaming - punctuated by an attempt of Clara’s to beat the fire out with a fire extinguisher from her pockets, Sabro’s attempts to summon kelpie and getting water on everything except Azz’s desk, and finally ended by Kalego stepping in and shouting at the fire so angrily that it went out by itself - the topic of conversation was dropped entirely, and not brought up that day again.
Which did not mean, however, that Azz had given up on correcting this little misapprehension of Iruma’s.
Oh no. To the contrary.
“Iruma-sa- stop struggling, Oni-san! Iruma-sama, there’s someone I’d like to introduce you to,” Azz said, and then “OW!” as his shin was quite viciously kicked.
“Um. Okay?” Iruma looked up from his plate of hellnoodles, which appeared to be his thirteenth - meaning he was barely halfway through his lunch, provided he’d filled up on breadsticks. “Hi?”
Eiko went limp in Azz’s headlock, staring at Iruma with something half horror and half awe, and a LOT of mortification.
“This is Oni Eiko.” Azz gestured to her with his free arm, which sported a quite impressive bite mark. “You saved her life during our Glorious First Meeting. And she has something to tell you.”
Eiko let out a high, panicked sound, and attempted to stomp on Azz’s toes.
“Oh!” Iruma flushed. “I- hello, Oni-san…?”
“IT’S NOT LIKE THAT I JUST ADMIRE YOU I LIKE TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOU AND I WILL KILL ASMODEUS-SAN AND NOBODY WILL EVER FIND THE BODY,” Eiko squeaked at a frankly surprising volume. “ANYWAY I’M A BIG FAN OH DEVI I CAN’T BE TALKING TO YOU I WANT TO DIE”
“Oni-san!” Azz hissed, while, Iruma hesitantly muttered “....thank youuuuu?” and slurped up a forkful of noodles, looking quite terribly confused. “I told you to confess your crush to Iruma-sama, so that he may know he’s greatly desired!”
“Confess to him yourself!” Eiko hissed back, twisting her flushed head up to glare at him, looking like a very, very angry devimato would look at its gardener after finding out he was cheating on her with the rhubarb and had auctioned her planter off on evilbay. “How dare you betray our sacred bond of comradeship!”
(“What is Azz-Azz doing with that girl?” Clara sidled up to Iruma, placing the fourteenth plate of hellnoodles in front of him. “She looks very red.”
“I think Azz-kun might have a crush on her?” Iruma mused, and was then even more confused at Clara laughing so hard she fell on the ground and rolled under the table, cackling all the while.)
Azz geared up to inform her that it was all to ensure Iruma’s happiness, when Eiko did an odd little twisting thing with her hands, pulled his arm over her shoulder, and slammed him onto the ground. A quick whisper of ”you’re amazing I’m so sorry Asmodeus-san will PAY for this” to Iruma, a quick and opportunistic camera flash as she leaned in to quickly take a selfie of the two of them, and then she was gone.
“Well.” Azz got up with as much dignity as the situation allowed, dusting off his coat and wondering why Clara was under the table. “For the record, she has a crush on you.”
“I’m sure she does, Azz-kun,” Iruma said in the gentle, placating tone he would sometimes use when Azz was particularly insistent on something, and which meant that he did not believe a word Azz was saying. “If you say so.”
“I do say so.” Azz pouted, watching Iruma get started on plate number fifteen. “I know it for a fact.”
“Uh-huh.”
“You saved her and she has been crushing on you ever since.”
“Of course.”
“We meet bi-weekly and discuss your perfection.” Azz tried, with increasing desperation. “She and I have a lot in common. This girl that has a crush on you, and I.”
Iruma nodded, earnest and absolutely clueless.
Clara, who had just surfaced from under the table, took one look at Azz’s devastated expression, and promptly dissolved into laughter again.
“Iruma-sama.” Azz steeled himself. Desperate times, desperate measures. “I lo-”
Iruma blinked up at him. Azz had to pause and go for a mental swim in those flawless blue orbs for a few moments, before rallying himself and returning to the task at hand.
“You believe nobody could harbour romantic affections for you. But the fact of the matter is that I l- I lov- I…I…”
“You?” Iruma prompted, with all the patience of a saint, but also the keen time-awareness of a schoolboy who only had a limited amount of deminutes until the next lesson started and he would be expected to pay attention.
“I,” said Azz, again, squaring up his shoulders, ready to lay down the fundamental truth at the core of his heart, and provide himself as proof that Iruma was not unloved and never would be. “I…”
“...disagree,” Azz demon-chickened out, his shoulders un-squared, fundamental truths un-laid, and love un-proven.
“I know, Azz-kun, and it’s very nice that you do,” Iruma soothed him, patting his arm. “But really, you don’t have to continue trying to convince me. I’m fine with nobody having a crush on me! I can hardly blame them for just not loving me (my parents certainly never did, either), seems like that’s a pretty natural set of circumstances.”
“No,” Azz managed to get out, and was at least pleased to expand his vocabulary further beyond the personal pronoun.
“I’m grateful that you’re trying so hard to reassure me, but please stop.” Iruma had now moved on to patting Azz’s hand. Azz would vow to never wash it again, but Mother was firm on such things, and would not hesitate to sic David aimed with a bar of soap at him. “I’ve accepted the reality of it already, and I doubt anything good will come from pretending otherwise, hm, Azz-kun? So, let’s drop it, and we’ll go find Clara and see if she wants to play something after magibotany class, okay?”
“No,” Azz feebly tried again; but when it became clear from the increasingly-firmer hand-patting and the stony set of Iruma’s smile that ‘no’ would not be taken for an answer, he amended it to “...of course, Iruma-sama”, followed by a miserable sigh.
Times were desperate indeed. If Azz wanted to right the most grievous wrong in existence (Iruma underestimating his well-deserved popularity), then he would almost definitely need some like-minded assistance to do it.