Chapter Text
MAY 31ST, 1986 5:05pm
As Steve looks upon the party and company all crammed into his living room, he cannot help but feel immense gratitude that they are able to do so. Even as the noise reaches its peak volume, all thanks to Dustin and Mike yelling over each other with Will mediating. Something that Steve is not afraid to admit is becoming overstimulating. When he starts to consider yelling at them, his brain reminds him that just two months ago, they were actively battling Vecna, not sure if they would be alive to see tomorrow, and he quickly finds himself abandoning that short-lived anger.
In the wake of the intense battle, Hopper’s post-Russian resurrection, the Byers’ move back to Hawkins, and the group’s gradual recovery, the party decided to have bi-weekly movie nights at either the Byers or the Harrington residence. After the first month of the kids and Eddie arguing over what movie to watch, Steve had decided he had enough, and they started to rotate whose choice of movie they would watch. This week happened to be Dustin’s choice and Steve expected either a sci-fi or horror film, with horror being the most likely option as Dustin is aware of how little Steve likes them and loves to mess with the babysitter.
Finally ready to join the party, Steve passes out popcorn and sits down in the only remaining seat, which happened to be on the couch between a smirking Robin and a blissfully unaware Eddie Munson. Ever since he had come out to his best friend, she had been determined to get him a boyfriend. He honestly cannot tell if her motivation comes from genuine love and support or a desire for payback after the Vickie incident.
Eddie barely seems to notice him sitting down, too busy engaging in a vibrant conversation with Nancy and Jonathan, something he tries to ignore to spare his ego as he settles into Robin’s side. While he is glad that the older boy no longer looks at him as if just his presence is an insult, it does hurt his feelings when he does not seem to care that he arrives. Something that Robin pointed out to be very similar to the heartbreak he felt when Nancy, before their relationship, would hardly look his way. This train of thought is interrupted by Joyce’s voice saying, “Okay Dustin, what movie did you pick for tonight?”
The kid in question proudly presents a nondescript, slightly scuffed, black tape. “We are going to be playing roulette tonight” he announces cheerfully, finally concluding his argument, as the excitement overwhelms his need to verbally abuse Michael Wheeler.
“What do you mean by that?” asks Hopper as the freshly turned fifteen-year-old pushes the tape into the VCR.
“Well, I found this tape at the bottom of my mom’s movie collection but neither of us can remember what is on it, so we are gonna find out” he replies excitedly while fiddling with the remote until the screen begins to light up.
As he sets up the TV, Max seems to be unable to stop herself asking “What if it’s your mom’s sex tape or something, are you sure you wanna take that risk?” and even though she phrases it like a question, her facial expressions make it exceedingly clear that it is meant more so as a dare.
At this, Dustin’s face vividly morphs into one of shock and horror. “You take that back!” he yells, “You’re just trying to ruin my fun!” crossing his arms across his chest and glaring at the redhead.
It is then that Steve decides to end the argument before it escalates into a migraine-inducing episode, as it often does. “Firstly, language Max” Steve interrupts, raising a brow “and secondly, are you sure you want to waste your movie choice on this Dusty? If it ends up being inappropriate, you know that I am going to turn it off and give your choice to whoever is next in line, right?” He knows the kid is too stubborn to actually change his mind on this, but he would rather remind him of the possible consequences so if he gets an attitude from him later, he can reply with an extremely satisfying ‘I told you so.’
Dustin turns his attention to the older teen, staring into his eyes and in a deadly serious tone he states, “I am willing to risk it and to be completely frank, I cannot contain my curiosity any longer Steve.” In Steve’s opinion, this does seem to be the truth as if he were any more excited the kid would practically be vibrating. As soon as the sentence leaves his mouth, the screen cracks to life, filling with the noise of static. Any further conversation is halted by motion on the TV screen as the ‘movie’ starts.
The sound of a bat striking a baseball with a sharp crack is heard, as an image centering on a baseball field and the bleachers full of cheering people emerges from the black of the screen. Across the bottom, the words ‘North Denver 1979’ appear.
At this, Steve felt stiff, even before realizing exactly why. Distantly, he can hear El ask where North Denver is, and Hopper patiently answering her original question, and the reasonable subsequent questions. Their conversation, however, only registers as background noise to Steve, as all his critical thought is halted by the nauseating feeling of his heart dropping into his stomach. ‘ I mean surely there is no way that this is about him, I mean how would that even be possible, right? Plenty of films take place in Denver!’ As internal panic is filling every thought in Steve’s head, he neglects to notice Eddie and Robin with their concerned eyes trained on him. Any hope Steve had that this had nothing to do with him dried up the second his own twelve-year-old face was centered on the screen.
The kids huddled around the screen remain, thankfully, blissfully unaware of the conflict currently occurring inside their babysitter’s head as do the older adults. However, Chief Hopper’s experience is different as upon seeing that this takes place in North Denver in 1979 cannot help but be reminded of his late nephew who had been kidnapped and brutally murdered around the same time there.
For a brief moment, it's as if he can see his nephew's face, the wild and curly blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He feels himself clench his jaw as he prepares himself for the worst, that being that someone decided to make a crime documentary about the serial murderer responsible for his nephew Vance’s death, colloquially referred to as The Grabber.
The shot focuses on a young boy's face as he stares down the field; he digs into the dirt and takes a deep breath before throwing the ball. His pitch is missed by the batter, and the ump calls out “Strike one!” as cheers are heard from the onlookers.
The voice in Steve’s head could not help but repeat that ‘ it’s not me. ’ that ‘ it couldn’t be. ’ that ‘ it doesn’t make sense, logically. ’ However, the longer the footage rolls on, the clearer his own face becomes the deeper the feeling of dread within him becomes.
Clearly, logic would not help him out as nothing about this situation is logical in the slightest. When Steve realized that he could locate his beauty marks and moles, he knew deep down that this young boy on screen could only ever be him. He quickly understood that something was deeply, irreversibly wrong here and that nothing could stop what was coming.
At the sight of Bruce’s face, Steve feels his eyes tearing up uncontrollably. He had not seen his face since he was twelve years old, and it touched a wound that he had been ignoring the rawness of for years. Through the slowly increasing fuzziness of his surroundings, he can feel someone squeezing his hand gently, but he does not seem to notice who is doing it or why they would be doing so.
A young girl with long, chocolate brown hair is shown as she attentively watches the game. “Come on Finney, come on” she mutters under her breath anxiously.
Digging his foot into the dirt, the young boy, Finney, pitches again, “Strike two” the ump yells.
“Yes Finney, Nice Finney!” the girl yells, cheering him on from the side lines.
Silent tears began to slowly drip down Steve’s cheeks. His mounting grief that had been left ignored had begun pouring out, and it was not going to stop. At the same time, Jonathan is contemplating the screen as he has this gut feeling that he recognizes this young boy from somewhere. The slight wave to his brown hair and his sandy blonde highlights feel too familiar. Those moles, it was superficial and dumb, but he could not ignore the thought, ‘ Hasn’t he seen those moles before? ’.
His head tilts slightly as he racks his brain for an answer. Reaching over to the remote and pausing the TV he asks, “Am I crazy or does this kid look familiar to anyone else?”
Nancy studies the boy’s face where it is paused on the screen before responding “You know what, now that you say it, he does look really familiar, but I have no idea where from.” There was something in the way his features tighten when he concentrates that feels like a trigger pulling on whips of a memory in her mind, and yet she is unable to see the full picture.
When after a few minutes Nancy cannot come up with why she finds him so recognizable, a slight frown decorates her features as a slight crease in her brows becomes known. She does not like not knowing things, and not being able to figure out exactly who this kid is, makes dread settle heavy in her stomach.
While the older teens and adults murmur as they try to figure out why this random actor seems so familiar to them, Robin finds herself focusing on much more important things, in her opinion. Specifically, the tears falling gently down a stunned Steve Harrington's face.
The same Steve Harrington that Robin has only ever seen cry in world-shattering situations, like when the two were kidnapped by Russian soldiers in Starcourt or the many subsequent nights in which he would arise from vivid nightmares screaming.
Whether it is healthy or not, the reality is that her soulmate does not cry, and especially not in front of the kids.
Ever since they began to orbit around him, Steve has made consistent efforts to always appear strong in front of the kids. She is confident that deep down, Steve really thinks that his only role in their lives, the only value of his presence, is as their unshakable protector.
So to Robin, the mere sight of tears rolling down Steve’s cheeks is startling enough, even without context. At first, when he had begun to tear up, she had reached over and begun squeezing his hand in a subtle attempt at grounding him; but when that did not work, she found her hands beginning to shake as her anxiety only increased.
In response, Steve does not appear to do anything, he does not seem to blink or even breathe. He seems to make himself small, knees to his chest and arms loosely holding himself around his middle, as if preparing to hide from something no one else could see. His skin’s usual sunkissed appearance has changed for a sickly pallor.
This escalates to Robin’s current emotional state, summarized as: now freaking the fuck out. The feeling of oppressive panic begins rising up her throat in the form of burning bile. Robin thinks that she has decent coping skills developed to deal with the near-constant anxiety that has invaded her life since middle school; but nothing could have prepared her for the horrific helpless feeling that comes from desperately wanting to help her person but being wholly unable to. She cannot believe this is happening to her. Her. Robin. The girl that weirds people out with her near constant, quick chatter, now finds herself unable to speak.
Robin makes a quick glance around the room to see if anyone else has noticed the sudden and dramatic change in Steve's demeanor. Just as she starts somewhat bitterly concluding that she is the only one to have noticed, she makes eye contact with a wide-eyed Eddie Munson.
The metalhead is also frozen in his own brand of freakout, one that is characterized with more confusion than Robin’s own as he stares at Steve like a twelve-year-old who was handed a college-level math problem to solve.
For Eddie, this entire situation feels completely unreal. Ever since the Vecna incident, he has been trying to mature past his previous worldview, a change that can be largely attributed to the reformed jock in front of him. Still, there are moments in which Eddie finds himself actively needing to fight against his first Instincts. This moment is a perfect example of this type of situation, as never has he seen Steve Harrington look anything other than completely in control.
This is one of those moments, the ones that his younger brain would have excused as a flaw or weakness in Steve’s character. A younger version of Eddie, would have taken this opportunity to ridicule the teen for being this affected by a movie that's barely minutes in. Young Eddie would have already cracked a joke by now, something cruel that is meant to sting. Whatever this is, it feels way too personal and raw to joke about.
Now, Eddie knows that Steve Harrington does not cry. He does not break. Not for flesh-eating bats. Not for an Upside Down hellscape. Not for Vecna.
His eyes appear glassy, full of tears, and faraway. Almost similar to the 100 yard stare that Eddie has seen on his uncle, stemming from his time in the army during the Vietnam war. Such a strong reaction from him now, with no identifiable triggers as to why makes Eddie feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious beyond belief. Anxious in a way he does not fully understand. And yet, he cannot seem to stop his urge to reach out, to help.
Eddie hates the quiet of it all, the stillness from someone who usually is anything but. Steve is usually always fidgeting, always moving, always doing something for someone, usually the kids. So to see him so silent, like the lights are off and no one is home is deeply unsetting. He has got to snap him out of it. He needs proof of life.
Eddie’s hand hovers awkwardly in the air above Steve’s. This is not what he does, not usually at least. Still, he gently reaches over to Steve’s hand, giving him time to pull back. When Steve does not move to pull away, he tightens his grip on Steve’s hand, but the younger teen doesn’t so much as blink at the contact. After having her observations validated by another, Robin then decides to push past the lump in her throat and call out “Steve?” she calls quietly, voice still shaking.
Robin felt a lurch in her stomach the moment Steve reacted. Her heart stuttered and intense nausea racked her senses. While she knew that reaching out to him and grounding him would likely help, she found herself unable to move. She was frozen in the fear of her realization. As this is the moment when deep down, she knows that whatever this is, it is on par with Starcourt, if not worse.
Steve’s reaction to hearing his own name is even more puzzling. Upon hearing it, he suddenly snaps out of whatever trance he was in and immediately shoots up from his position on the couch lunging straight for the VCR and attempting to remove the tape. Understandably, the suddenness of this action startles everyone. No one other than Robin and Eddie had noticed Steve’s breakdown before he lunged. No one else had seen it coming. Now, everyone cannot help but notice the unwiped tears from his face.
Jonathan, who had been moving to the remote to restart the movie, freezes in place. He finds himself utterly bewildered as to how he missed the escalation in Steve and he cannot help but feel ashamed at not noticing sooner. How did he miss the tear tracks down his cheeks, shining clear and bright when they catch the light of the TV screen. How did he miss the sharp stiffness of his frame, when Steve usually emulates the relaxed, confident, ‘cool guy’ look. He can feel the shame bubbling up in his stomach and settling like a rock. Jonathan has always prided himself on being able to notice the little things.
Whether that skill comes from needing to read his alcoholic father’s moods or trying to understand Will with his subtle emotions does not matter. It has been a skill of his for as long as he can remember. 'So how the hell could he miss such important details and still call himself an observant photographer?' He desperately wishes there was something he could do to help, something he could say to make it all better, but that is not realistic. 'What do you say to someone who is actively coming apart at the seams?'
Nancy, always caring for Steve deeply, begins to move towards him to try to help, to try to understand what the hell is happening. She stops however, hesitating because she’s afraid any wrong move will only send him further down the spiral.
Ultimately Nancy decides that doing nothing and staying seated where she is will do more damage than making a misstep while trying to help. So, she takes a deep breath and begins to cautiously inch closer, as if she were approaching a wounded animal. A detail that does not go unnoticed by Jonathan as he watches her gingerly leave her seat at his side, who cannot help but agree with that comparison when looking at the tense and unpredictable energy that characterizes Steve at this moment.
At first, Steve merely pushes the eject button, but nothing happens. No tape is ejected. He can hear the whirring of the machine but the tape stays firmly in place. He tries this a few more times, and his desperation and panic leak out more and more as each try fails.
When after many attempts the VCR refuses to eject the tape, the stupid thing that sent him spiraling in the first place, Steve only grows more frantic. In a blind panic, he ignores the cacophony of voices calling to him and moves to rip the tape out by hand. He needs it out. Everything needs to stop. He cannot let anyone see what he knows will be on this tape. In his core, he recognizes that he couldn’t survive the embarrassment of anyone he cares about seeing him like that. Seeing him that helpless. Especially not the kids.
Before he gets the chance, he feels the small hands of Nancy Wheeler firmly and gently pulling his hands away from the player. She then guides him into a kneeling position before placing their joined hands in her lap. Now, she kneels beside him on the ground before the TV screen, knees barely brushing his as she cradles his hands. Thus, the first coherent thought in Steve's mind since the appearance of his twelve-year-old face on the TV screen that does not revolve around fear is the feeling of the plaid pajama pants Nancy wore today.
It is only once Steve’s consciousness floats back and reconnects to his body that he realizes the party is all sitting around him anxiously and with bated breath.
Only then that he notices the confused tears brimming in Dustin’s eyes.
Only then does he see the subtle fear and worry building up in Max, only betrayed by her body language.
Only then does he note the way the Chief is clenching his jaw, how his shoulders tense as if he’s bracing himself to speak up.
He sees how Joyce is gently frowning and her restless hands touching the lower half of her face as she bites her nails and rubs her chin, likely desperate for a cigarette to help calm her nerves.
He sees El’s head gently tilting in confusion as she starts looking around for someone to provide her with answers as to what is going on.
He sees how Eddie’s eyes widen and his body tenses, the quiet fear coloring Jonathan’s features, and the nervous way Lucas follows Steve with his eyes as he tightens his grip on Max’s hand and slightly angles himself in front of her.
He sees Mike’s conflicted gaze staring at him with a mix of confusion and fear, but his is restrained. Distant as if he needs to keep it all locked down tight.
However, what Steve can sense more than anything else is the warm body hugging his back, her smaller but infinitely strong arms squeezing him tight and repeating the phrase “It is me, Robin, you’re safe Stevie, you’re with us, take a deep breath in....... and out” in a soothing, whispering voice as her warm breath brushes up against the back of his neck.
He can smell the cherry chapstick Robin loves and suddenly feels as though life is in technicolor again, instead of the nebulous black and white it had been in just moments before. As the seconds tick on, Steve can feel himself gradually relaxing into his best friend’s chest and his breathing cautiously stutters to a slower pace.
Even though he is much calmer than he had been minutes ago, he takes another moment to sit in the stillness. He takes a couple deep breaths, feeling the cool, humid air associated with an Indiana May filling his lungs before being released back out. This is not the dry and crisp air of a May in Colorado; nor is it the stale, heavy, and clammy air of a molding basement. It is only after a few minutes of repeating this action, of grounding himself, that he finally looks up, first making eye contact with the intensely caring eyes of one Nancy Wheeler.
Steve glances around at the party and after drinking up the concern and confusion, all he feels is this intense feeling of embarrassment. He racks his brain for anything he can do to shift their attention, to distract them, to get all the eyes with their penetrating stares off of him.
So Steve does what he always does and puts on his mask, becoming the confident and charming young man he has adapted to be. He lets a captivating smile take over his features and forces himself to relax into the persona “Well… that was dramatic” he states in an attempt to joke away the problem. When this does not have the desired effect, his appearance wavers slightly before correcting itself as he chuckles nervously.
No one is laughing.
The Mask is on, but no one believes it, not tonight, and more than likely, never again.
Steve can feel Robin’s arms tighten around his middle where they had been resting since he began to calm down. This action does not surprise him in the slightest as ever since the incident with the Russians, Robin had been extremely protective of him.
What did surprise Steve however, was hearing her voice as while she is protective, she generally avoids confrontation. “Before everyone snaps at him, I think everyone should take a couple deep breaths, since yelling at him won’t help or make him likely to open up, alright?” she states in a clear and strong voice, and from the glance of her face Steve managed to capture her pointing a ‘no-nonsense’ glare at all the faces around the room.
For the next few glorious moments, all Steve can hear around him is the soothing, deep breaths of all those he loves.The calm before the storm of unavoidable conversation waiting beyond this brief respite. All Steve can hope is that he manages to get through this without going overboard. Without breaking down again.