Chapter Text
BAZ
Auditions are held at the end of the school year, just before summer break, as usual. Honestly, I was surprised when our director announced we would be doing Once Upon A One More Time. Not only is it a jukebox musical featuring nothing but Britney Spears songs, but it’s also a highly queer show. While secondary school theatre directors aren’t strangers to acceptance and allyship, getting pronouns correct (most of the time) and actually doing a show with openly queer characters are two different things.
One aspect that worried me when I first read the script was that two of the male characters are romantically involved. That’s not why I was worried. It’s nice to see our director is willing to do shows that aren’t a bunch of heteronormative bollocks. What’s got me on edge is intimacy training.
In the past, actors were expected to just grin and bear it when it came to onstage intimacy. Directors pushed two actors together and said, “Now kiss”, and those who were uncomfortable were shamed. These methods have died down considerably in recent years, giving actors more privacy and communication tools, or even professionally trained intimacy coordinators. However, when there are two men onstage, suddenly the theatre reverts to the “Now kiss” mantra.
“You’re both blokes, it shouldn’t be a big deal!”
That is why I was pleased when I saw that intimacy training for Clumsy and Prince Erudite had already been put on the schedule. It’s nice to know Miss Possibelf isn’t a complete hypocrite.
(Of course, she’s the same director who claims that Snow always getting cast as the male lead is a total coincidence, so truthfully, that’s still debatable.)
I thought my audition went well. My Prince Charming was as good as I could’ve done him, and I thought my Narrator was nuanced and satisfying. Reading for Clumsy had been fun, if a little pointless (I’m not exactly a comedic actor, and no one in their right mind would cast Tyrannus Basilton Grimm Pitch as a dwarf ). The look on Snow’s face when he was called to read for Prince Erudite in that scene had been priceless. I’m pretty sure he didn’t even know they were romantically involved beforehand. (I doubt he read the script before auditions.)
He looked like a lost puppy the entire time; it was unnervingly endearing… I made sure to give him my most passionate lovelorn look to make him even more uncomfortable. It wasn’t as hard to do as I would’ve liked.
Niall and Dev both did quite well as was to be expected of them, and Niamh’s rendition of “Times Are Hard For Dreamers” had been enjoyable to listen to. (I heard from Wellbelove in passing that Niamh has been taking vocal lessons, so it seems those are working out well for her.) Speaking of Wellbelove, she was… as blonde as usual. Truthfully, I’m not sure she has much going for her as an actress other than her beauty. Most of her characters blend into an amalgamation of “pretty woman” and not much else. Which, in many ways, is an insult to Wellbelove’s abilities. I’m sure she could do quite well if she were trusted with a more complex role than the “love interest”. She had done well at the audition. Her boyfriend , however, had been an utter catastrophe. Nothing new there.
First, he had shown up late: to an audition! The lack of professionalism would have him laughed out of anything that wasn’t secondary school theatre. He’d whispered an apology to the girl whose monologue he had interrupted. (Someone named Pippa? I wasn’t paying her much attention.) Then he started laughing loudly at Bunce, who was doing nothing out of the ordinary as far as I could tell. She was just sitting behind the director's table, looking at the schedule like any stage manager does at auditions, yet Snow laughed as though he’d just been told the greatest joke he’d ever heard. Finally, when he and Agatha had gotten called up to read a side together (typical), they both seemed very uncomfortable. This was the oddest of Snow’s blunders that day. No matter what happened, Snow always felt comfortable with Wellbelove (a little too comfortable at times if you ask me). The way he avoided eye contact and refused to touch her throughout their scene was entirely out of character for him.
Not that I’m complaining, the less I have to watch those two make insufferable goo-goo eyes at each other, the better. I hope their little tiff lasts another month! Perhaps two! Maybe then I’ll finally know a moment of peace in this department.
Much to my surprise, the most standout performance of the entire audition came from someone I’ve never seen before: Shepard Love. I only remember his name because “Love” is undoubtedly one of the oddest surnames I’ve ever heard, and Love’s American accent caught everyone quite off guard when he introduced himself. He’s a handsome enough boy with boxy glasses and a patch-covered jacket. I took note of the titular purple, pink, and blue of the bisexual flag pinned onto his left arm, and the way he seemed comfortable almost immediately in the unfamiliar space. Love behaved as though he had been on that stage a million times before, instead of his first time ever seeing it.
He was tooth-achingly charming. Even I was impressed by his confidence, and I’m not impressed by anything. (Other than Snow’s ability to eat an entire stick of butter on his own, but that’s more horrified disgust than anything else.)
Shepard’s smile was reassuring and wide, and he practically glowed as he introduced himself. When he read for Prince Charming, he exuded a slightly annoying masculine energy that fit Prince Charming to a T. If I were casting the show, I would’ve given him the part on the spot. Of course, he is new, so giving him such a crucial role would be a bit of a risk. However, I would say his candor indicated he’s got enough experience in acting to qualify him for it.
Of course, that would be in a perfect world where casting is based on ability instead of favoritism or typecasting. I already know what the actual cast list will look like: Agatha as Cinderella, Simon as Prince Charming, and me as the evil Narrator who learns the error of my ways. Perhaps Shepard will get Erudite or Clumsy, I’m sure he’d do a fine job with either of them.
Two days after callbacks, I receive an email from Miss Possibelf with the cast list. I open it, scanning for my name, and I’m surprised to find that it is not the one sitting next to NARRATOR. (I’ll have to congratulate Niall later.) I keep looking for my name and nearly spit out my tea when I finally find it.
PRINCE ERUDITE: Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch.
I re-read the text several times. Waiting for it to change or fade into something that makes more sense. It doesn’t. (Of course, it doesn’t; it’s an email, not magic.) A cold panic sets into my mind. What will Father say? What will Niall and Dev say? Will Daphne even let the kids come to the show? Or will nobody come at all because their son’s playing a queer little prince in tights?
It wasn’t until after I read who Clumsy was that I fully lost my mind.
SIMON
It’s bollocks! It’s absolute bullshit, that’s what it is! I can’t do it! I won’t do it! He’s literally evil. And I’m about 99% sure he’s also a vampire! How am I supposed to do anything with him onstage other than beat the ever-living shit out of him?! That’s what we always do! Well, not always-always (some years Baz plays supporting roles) but most of the time! And obviously, we've never been… well…
No! I have to refuse the part. It’s that simple! I just can’t do the show this year! What a shame! Should’ve thought about that before sticking me with Baz!
I’m pacing the length of my bedroom back and forth. I’m pretty sure the whole house can hear my muttering, but I don’t care; this is too weird to care if Mum or Gran or Uncle Jamie hear me stomping. As I swivel my way about, I catch a glimpse of the photo I have from my first year in theatre: I was a knife in Beauty & The Beast. I was right shit at it, I’m sure. I could barely do a box-step for magic’s sake. Nevertheless, looking at my dopey first-year grin makes something sentimental bubble behind my eyes. Damn it… Why can't I have a normal hobby? One that doesn’t require vampire kissing.
I pick up the photo and trace my little smiling self wearing an uncomfortable-looking wooden knife strapped to my back, and I sigh.
This is my last show. I can’t skip out on my last show. Not for Baz. Besides, I don’t wanna let Miss Possibelf down.
I mean, I love theatre! It’s brilliant! I get to run around in stupid clothes and say dumb shit, and nobody bats an eye, but this just feels like… too much.
I mean, I wouldn’t mind playing Clumsy. It would mean I get to wear a sick outfit (I’ve looked up the costumes online and I love the trousers). And he’s fucking hilarious. He just falls over a bunch. (Classic).
But kissing Baz?!
It’s insanity! I’m not even sure Baz is capable of doing anything other than biting my head off! And I don’t want to test it out by getting too close to that mouth…
I pull at my curls. It’s something I do when I feel like things are out of my control. Penny says that I’ll go bald by 30 if I keep it up, but it helps Goddamnit! (Mum says I need to stop cursing like a Normal, but I really don’t know why we can’t use a healthy helping of both styles of cursing when the need arises.) (Also, “Magic damn it” just doesn’t have the same ring to it now does it?) I need to think of something. Some solution or way of making this better. But my brain isn’t giving me anything!
“Is it really so difficult for you to use your own brain, Snow?”
Merlin, I hate him.
I let out a long sigh, pulling my hands out of my hair and staring at them.
What’s wrong with me?
This shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?
I try to think of why this is upsetting me so much, but my mind comes up blank.
Other than the obvious: I don’t want to kiss Baz. There’s no other reason I would feel so… uncomfortable with this. Unless… Shit, am I secretly homophobic?!
I mean… I did get all weirded out when Baz wore a crop top that one time, but that was mostly shock that Baz could wear crop tops. (Apparently it was on some dare or something, but I highly doubt Baz is the type to take a dare.) (Wait! Did he feel the need to lie because I made him uncomfortable?!)
Shit!
I’m a total homophobe.
Should I ask Penny? Penny would know.
Before I can think better of it, I’m already calling her.
As soon as she picks up the phone, I ask,
“Penny, am I homophobic?”
There’s a long silence as I hear Penelope thinking (probably making mental “What We Know” and “What We Don’t Know” lists) before she responds.
“I feel like I’m the wrong person to ask. I don’t think you are, but it’s really up to gay people to decide what counts as homophobia. What happened?”
“I don’t know. I got uncomfortable seeing Baz in a crop top.”
“That was like two years ago! You apologized! He called you an ignorant numpty, and you called him a ‘right Tory prick’ .” I can practically hear the air quotes over the phone, “I thought we were over this?”
“Yeah… It’s not that, actually! Um… you saw the cast list, right?”
“Mhm, I’m the stage manager; I helped write it.”
“Right, so me and Baz…” I can’t even finish the sentence. Merlin and Morgana, I’m such a homophobe! How did I not see it sooner?!
“Is that what this is about? Simon, it’s completely normal not to want to kiss your sworn enemy. That’s not homophobic; that’s just common sense.”
I try to hide how relieved I am by her reassurance, but I’m sure she probably hears my sigh over the phone.
“Why did she cast us as love interests at all? Isn’t that like… weird or something? She has to know we hate each other.” It seems like everybody knows me and Baz hate each other. It’s pretty bloody obvious! Written in stone and all that. No one in their right mind who sees us fight would cast us as lovers.
“Apparently, you two had really good chemistry during auditions, and you are both eighth-years now. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to put childhood rivalries behind you at this point, Simon.” She was using her mum voice on me. It’s really annoying. Especially when she says stuff that I know is probably right.
“Fine… Whatever, look, I gotta go. I still need ta tell Mum about the cast list, and Gran’ll already have a cake ready by now. Bye, Pen.”
“Bye, Simon! Try not to be too thick about it, yeah? It’s a good role, and you’re one of the main characters. Baz can’t possibly make it that weird,”
——————————————————————
Baz is making it right weird. Because he isn’t making it weird at all! He texted me congratulating me on the part. (Something he does with everybody in the show every year.) (It’s extremely pompous and I hate it.) At the first read-through, he read his lines normally (and he actually did quite a bang-up job with them, much to my disappointment). He looked at me like he was actually in love with me for magic’s sake! I mean, I know he’s a good actor, but it’s just a read through he doesn’t have to put his all into it. Even that’s not out of the ordinary, though; he always comes to the read-through with all his lines memorized beforehand and an outline for his character ready.
I can’t handle it one bit. Why isn’t he freaking out about this? Did he forget we’re sworn enemies? Or is he such an ass he doesn’t care?
Soon we move back into Watford housing, and I’ve never dreaded something more than seeing that pompous ass in the same room as me every day. I just know he’s gonna lord this over me all year somehow.
“Don’t be so ridiculous, Snow, you’re nothing special. Why would I bother you all year with anything?”
I smack my head into a pillow to shut up the invisible Baz in the back of my head. It doesn’t work. (It never works.)